#she was very distant in january

[irritablepoe]

last valentine's day i wrote a three page long letter and sent it per post and then one day after i sent it she said she wasn't interested. like girl, i squeezed every bit of good will and "i'm not broken just slow"ness into that letter, couldn't you said that earlier???

[acegiak]

Oh cool! The guy who insisted on deadnaming Jennell Jaquays in his very famous article about her wildly influential dungeon design techniques, for years after both her public coming out and his having been informed, has decided, while she was on her deathbed, to rename the technique discussed in the article after himself, replacing the text of the original article and any of his own references to it online. He presumably discusses the technique in the book of dungeonmaster advice he's just published because his article on her technique was a foundational work in the blog that got him the book deal though who knows if there's any reference to Jaquays there given his apparent need to claim all credit.

Jennell was one of the most influential and foundational designers in the ttrpg hobby and her visibility as a trans woman has been incredibly important to so many of us in the space. Losing her has been a tragic loss for our community and now to have her name spat on like this just as we've lost her is horrific. Grief and Rage.

Nonlinear dungeon design is Jaquaysian or Jaquaysed or at most distant, Thracian. Making a dungeon more non-linear is Jaquaysing it. Let's agree that Xandering is just being an unbearably spineless white man, given the Buffy context and this one.

[coffeeshades]

credits to the gif maker!

LOVE IS COMPLICATED - PART IX

—we belong to you and me

summary: the trials and tribulations of falling in love or two idiots who can't get their shit together.

pairing: pedro pascal x actress/singer!reader.

word count: 2.9k

warnings: 18+ (minors dni). fluff. angst. cursing, age gap, mentions of alcohol and depression. feelings of hopelessness, anxiety. no use of y/n, if i missed something please let me know!

a/n: here it goes. happy reading <3

masterlist!

January 26, 2023

Los Angeles, California

The ceiling isn’t even interesting, but it’s better than everything else right now. You’ve spent too many nights staring at the same spot above you, trying not to think, trying not to feel, but the thoughts always come creeping back. Anxiety’s a funny thing—how it picks and chooses moments to make your life its playground, especially when there’s nothing left to distract you.

You think about your depression diagnosis from a year ago. It feels like a dirty word, one that sticks to the inside of your throat whenever you try to talk about it.

Shame has a way of making you feel unworthy, like there’s a crack inside you that everyone can see. And Pedro…well, he was part of that too. Not because he’d judge you; no, you know he wouldn’t. That’s what makes it worse. He’d understand, and you know it. But it was that very understanding, that softness, that made you feel even less deserving of him. It was easier to push him away, tell yourself that he was better off without you, without your darkness looming overhead.

It was stupid. You knew it was stupid. But knowing didn’t make it any easier. For a long time, you felt like shit. The medication and therapy helped, though. You feel better now, mostly. At least enough to move through the days without the weight of the world pressing down on your chest.

On nights like this, when the city outside your window hums with life, you find yourself longing for him. Wanting him with a kind of ache that doesn’t make sense anymore. Not after a year of silence.

Okay, not complete silence.

There were the text messages, the likes, the little online interactions that served as placeholders for the real thing. But the last time you actually heard his voice was on your birthday. He called, and it was brief. Polite. He sounded tired, maybe distant. You’d called him on his birthday, too, but he didn’t pick up. A few hours later, a text: “Sorry! Really busy over here, even on my birthday. Thanks for the birthday wishes. See you soon.”

Except “See you soon” never came. It was nothing more than etiquette.

Sarah came over a few weeks later. You were sitting on your couch, mindlessly flipping through a book, when she dropped the news. “They broke up,” she’d said, leaning against the counter like it wasn’t a bomb that just exploded in your chest. “Pedro and Julia. Months ago.”

Why didn’t he tell me?

That conversation replayed in your head for days. Maybe he hadn’t told you because you weren’t that person for him anymore. The one he turned to when things went wrong. Life just went on without him in it. The strange became familiar, and here you were, on a Saturday night, staring at nothing.

You push off the sofa, grab your phone from the coffee table, and start scrolling through social media. It’s the only thing that takes the edge off, numbing the ache for a little while. But even that was a trap because almost every post you see is about him.

Pedro was everywhere, and you couldn’t escape him.

The world had caught on to how wonderful he was, and now they all wanted a piece of him. The headlines, the photos, the fan posts—everyone seemed to wonder what it would be like to love him, to touch him. The universe was taunting you with his presence, a constant reminder of what you’d had and what you’d lost. Every time you saw his face, you felt a pang of regret, sharp and unforgiving.

February 4, 2023

New York, NY

The invitation had come a week earlier, but not from him. His sister, Lux, had sent the text. “It would be nice if you came,” she’d written, and your heart had swelled in your chest.

“I’ll try,” you’d replied, though you knew as soon as you sent it that you would go. The next thing you knew, you were on a plane to New York, staring out the window, wondering what you were doing. You hadn’t seen him in person in over a year, and you didn’t even know if he wanted to see you. What if time had passed you by? What if everything between you had faded into the background, nothing more than a memory?

The night of the show arrived, and you were a wreck. A bundle of nerves, second-guessing everything. You sat in the audience, people asking for pictures here and there, and you smiled, happily obliging. But when Pedro took the stage, your heart stopped. He was nervous during the monologue, you could tell, but he quickly settled into the rhythm.

His breathing evened out, and he was so…perfect. He talked about his family, about his mother, and you felt the lump in your throat rise when he got emotional. He was always funny in the sketches, but especially when he almost broke character to laugh. You couldn’t stop watching him.

And you hoped—no, you prayed—that maybe he’d see you through the crowd.

When the show ended, people started to disperse, and there he was, surrounded by his family, by friends, all buzzing with pride and excitement. You hung back, watching as Lux tried to get everyone lined up for a photo. “Who’s gonna take it?” someone asked, and you stepped forward before you could think twice.

“I can do it,” you said, and Lux’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Oh my god, you came!” She rushed over, wrapping her arms around you, and you hugged her back, feeling a sudden warmth in your chest.

Nico and Pedro’s nephews followed, pulling you into their hugs as well. For a moment, it felt like old times, like maybe things hadn’t changed at all. But then Pedro turned, his gaze catching yours, and time stopped.

You stood there, staring at each other, and the world spun and stilled all at once. His eyes lit up, soft and warm, like they always had. He looked like he wanted to say something, but neither of you moved.

Five seconds. Maybe less. But it felt like forever.

You smiled, and so did he, a quiet acknowledgment passing between you. Lux handed you her phone, and you took the picture, watching them all gather together, laughing and chatting. You could feel Pedro’s eyes on you the whole time.

After the photo, he walked over, his eyes locking onto yours again.

“How…what are you…?”

“Your sister invited me,” you replied quickly.

“Of course she did,” he said, glancing back at Lux with a smile.

“Congratulations, you were incredible,” you said, the words tumbling out faster than you intended. “I’m so happy for you.”

He looked at you like you were the most precious thing in the world, like you were the moon and the stars. Your heart raced, and you could feel it thumping against your ribs. He smiled, a half-smile, and his voice softened. “Thank you. I think I butchered a couple of lines, but…"

“No, no,” you insisted, shaking your head. “You were perfect. It was perfect.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, his eyes doing that thing they always did when he was holding something back. But then he cleared his throat, looking flustered. “I have to go get changed and say goodbye to a few people, but come to the afterparty, okay? Oscar and Sarah will be there.”

As if you needed a reason other than him.

“Yeah, of course,” you said, trying to sound casual.

He took a step closer, his big brown eyes fixed on you. “Thank you for being here.”

You smiled, trying to keep your composure. “Always.”

And then he turned and disappeared backstage.

•••

Later, at the afterparty, you felt like a ghost, drifting between conversations. You caught up with Oscar and Sarah, the comfort of their hugs bringing unexpected tears to your eyes. It felt good, to be surrounded by people who loved you unconditionally. But you couldn’t help yourself; you kept looking for Pedro. From across the room, your eyes would meet, and the significance of everything unsaid hung between you.

Twenty minutes passed like that. Stolen glances, quiet tension. Until you saw him slip outside to the rooftop, away from the crowd.

Without thinking, you followed him.

He stood there, looking out over the city, his broad back to you, the skyline of New York glowing in the distance. For a moment, you thought about turning around, about going back inside. But then you stepped forward, standing beside him.

“This city,” you started, “is so beautiful from up here. Makes you forget about all the bad things—like the rats and the traffic.”

He laughed—that booming, wheezing kind of laugh you loved so much—and you smiled.

Pedro smiled at you—that same familiar smile that hadn’t changed in all these years. His eyebrows lifted playfully, and for a moment, it felt like no time had passed at all. But as you looked closer, you saw it—he had changed, and yet the essence of him remained.

His hair was longer now, curling just at the ends in a way that made you want to reach out and touch it. His beard, fuller than before, had streaks of gray decorating his jawline and his hair. The lines around his eyes had deepened, like stories waiting to be told, crinkling when he smiled, as if life had both weathered and softened him.

He turned to look at you. “Hi again.”

“Hi."

“You look good,” he said, the compliment slipping from his lips with ease.

You chuckled softly. “Thanks, so do you, Mr. Popular.”

He clicked his tongue, amused. “What can I say?”

The rooftop was hushed, only the chatter and music from the party drifting up from where you stood. The world below a distant hum, leaving just the two of you bathed in the soft glow of green and gold light from the city. The air was cool but not cold, wrapping around you both in a way that felt intimate, protective.

How Deep Is Your Love started playing, and you looked towards the party, a small smile playing on your lips. As if he could read your mind, he chuckled and said, "How fitting. What are the odds?"

For the first time in what felt like forever, you were under Pedro’s gaze—not the chaotic, feverish attention you were used to, with cameras flashing and crowds screaming your name, but something deeper. His attention had always been different. It was quiet, but focused, like a steady hand on your shoulder, grounding you without a word.

For a moment, you couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. The pull between you too strong, a tether stretched thin by years of disconnect but never broken. You felt it—the weight of all that had gone unsaid pressing against your chest. You had to say it. Now, before you lost the courage.

“I was debating whether or not to do this here,” you began, your voice low but steady, “today of all days, but I feel like the right time will never come for us, so I’ll just say it.”

Pedro’s eyes searched yours with anticipation, perhaps fear or hope, watching you with that unwavering focus that made your heart race.

In that moment, you realized, you didn't know where to start.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, the words catching in your throat. “I disappeared like that, and I know I hurt you. I was... I was dealing with so much, and I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t move. Some days were harder than others, and I felt so ashamed. So lost. So sad.”

The word sad hung between you, fragile yet heavy. You could see it in his face—how your words cut him deeply. His lips parted, and you saw the pain flicker in his eyes, the understanding that only he could offer.

“Baby,” he said, the word tender, rich with affection. He took a step closer, his presence overwhelming yet calming all at once. His hand moved to your hair, fingers brushing it aside before resting gently on the side of your head. The touch was so familiar, so comforting, you closed your eyes for a moment, letting the warmth of it wash over you.

“No,” Pedro said softly, his voice breaking just a little. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not doing more. For not being there when you needed me. I’m a fucking coward.”

You opened your eyes, meeting his gaze. “I pushed you away because I thought… I thought you were happy with her.” Your voice cracked, but you pushed through the pain. “And before that, I pushed you away because I thought you just didn't want me. I figured it was better to let you be.”

He let out a breath, stepping even closer, his forehead nearly touching yours. “I got with her because I couldn’t escape you,” he confessed, the words raw and full of regret. “You were always there, in my head, in my heart. I thought if I could be with someone else, maybe… maybe I’d forget you, but I couldn’t.”

You felt the tears sting at the back of your eyes. The truth of it, the weight of his words, felt like a key turning in a lock that had long been rusted shut. You wanted to say more, to tell him everything, but before you could, Pedro’s hand slipped to your cheek, his thumb brushing the corner of your mouth.

“I was afraid that you'd be the only person I ever actually wanted. And now I'm afraid that my one and only chance at happiness has passed me by.” He whispered, his voice low and intense. “And I…I think about kissing you more than I think about anything else, literally in the world. It’s my go-to thought when my mind has a minute to spare.”

You could barely breathe. The air between you felt charged, electrified by everything he was admitting, by the love you had both buried for so long. “I was so scared,” he continued, his eyes glistening. “So scared of fucking up our friendship, scared of what people might say, and scared of losing you because… I’ve never known what to do with pain, mi amor. All I’ve ever done is hide from it. But I don’t want to do that anymore.”

You reached up, covering his hand with yours.

He closed his eyes for a moment, as if your touch was too much, too overwhelming. Then, slowly, he opened them again, his gaze locking onto yours with such intensity it made your heart ache. “I was such an idiot,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “I thought I could live without you, but the truth is, I’ve never been able to. Not for a single day.”

You smiled, your own tears finally spilling over. “Well, that makes two of us.”

"You're my favorite person to talk to," he said, "even when we're fighting."

There was a beat, a single breath in which the world seemed to pause, and then he kissed you. It wasn’t a tentative kiss, shy, or unsure—it was everything. Every moment, every longing look, every stolen glance over the years poured into this one, perfect moment. His lips were soft but demanding, his hands slipping into your hair as he pulled you closer. You knew people could be watching from afar, but you melted into him, because nothing else mattered right now.

When you finally pulled back, foreheads pressed together, both of you gasping for air like you'd been drowning and only just found the surface. His forehead rested against yours, his breath shaky, and in that moment, you saw it all—the vulnerability, the fear, the anger, and beneath it all, the raw, unrelenting love.

Pedro’s voice was thick with emotion as he spoke, “I hate myself for waiting this long.” His hands slid down to your shoulders, gripping them with a desperation that made your heart twist. “I watched you disappear, and I told myself it wasn’t my place. But it was. It always was.”

His eyes bore into yours, deep pools of brown that always saw you, even when you didn’t want to be seen. His hands turned and pushed you slowly to the railing, and you could feel the cold biting into your back even through the thick layers of your jacket.

“I hated myself too,” you admitted, the words spilling out in a rush, messy and imperfect, but true. “I thought about you every day. And I hated myself for it because I couldn’t let go. I tried, God. I tried with everything I had to move on, but it was always you. It was always you, Pedro.”

His lips trembled, and you saw the tears in his eyes—the same tears that were stinging yours. He let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head.

“We wasted so much time.”

You nodded, your own heart breaking at the realization. All the years you had spent avoiding each other, convincing yourselves it was for the best, when deep down, you knew the truth.

You had been running—both of you—from something that had always been there.

“I know,” you said softly, reaching up to cup his face, your thumb brushing against the scruff on his jaw. “But we’re here now. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

He nodded, a slow, deliberate movement. “I love you,” he said, the words a soft confession.

You smiled, face wet with tears, your heart finally free of the burden it had carried for so long.

“I know."

a/n: aaaahh finally!!! these idiots got it right it only took like 20 years lol.

an extra final chapter is coming very soon. i had so much fun writing this. i started writing this silly little fic right after a breakup because i was feeling lonely and it was the best way for me to not feel like that sooo i wanted to thank everyone who read, liked, reblogged or commented, it means the world to me that someone else enjoys something that takes so much of my time. love you all so much!!!

[personasintro]

Mutual Help | #43

↳ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬; in order for you to pretend to be his girlfriend, he helps you with your sexual desires ⏤ he calls it mutual help

⇢ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: jungkook x reader

⇢ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fake dating au, fluff, angst, smut, slow burn

⇢ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: explicit language, Please, be aware this chapter is NOT suitable for sensitive people! It’s also very important chapter in this story but if you’re sensitive person and get easily triggered by sensitive topics, do not read it.

⇢ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 10.4k+

⇠ 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯. | 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐱 | 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 ⇢ 

It had been one of those evenings when they all had decided to meet, well most of them, at Hoseok's place. It hadn't been that long since they hung out together, hence the New Year's Trip that happened at the end of December and ended at the beginning of January. Ever since you left that day, the whole atmosphere kind of shifted. Not because of you though. Because of everything that happened which yes, involved you but it's nowhere near your fault.

This had been the first time they had been all hanging out together after that trip, unfortunately without your presence. Of course, you wouldn't have come either way. Not just because that evening had been your first day working back at the club, but also because Kiko had been there too. 

Jungkook knows you well enough you wouldn't have come even if he asked. Plus, he knows it wouldn't have been a good idea anyway. 

And maybe he was naive enough to think that evening would run smoothly and it really would be just one of those evenings when he gets to hang out and laugh with his friends. But was he wrong... 

"Yah! You already ate all of it!" Seokjin's dramatic voice booms out, causing Hoseok to flinch at the sudden outburst that is aimed at Jimin who innocently widens his eyes and opens his mouth.

Jungkook snorts under his breath, secretly snickering at his friend's red neck. 

"It's been here for an hour and anyone barely touched it!" Jimin finds his voice, frowning at the oldest that starts to complain under his breath while Jimin just scoffs and places the empty ball back on the coffee table. 

Kiko chuckles, catching Jungkook's amused eyes as he shakes his head at them which makes her chuckle even more. His arm is stretched behind her, resting on the back of the couch as she eyes Seokjin and Jimin. 

"Hobi, you've got some more snacks in the kitchen, right?" she asks her friend, causing Hoseok to think for a second before he nods.

"Yeah, I think so."

Kiko stands up, noticing Jungkook's curious eyes as she gives him a smile before she looks at everyone. "I'm gonna make you some more snacks."

She hears a few complaints of how she doesn't have to bother, but she just waves her hand already disappearing in the kitchen. After looking for different ingredients, she finds more popcorn and chips which she automatically pulls out, but that doesn't seem enough for five men that could eat all day. Remembering Jimin saying something about craving for something sweet and Hoseok agreeing half an hour ago, she thinks it through as an idea pops in her head. Checking more ingredients, she lets out a content grin when she finds all the ingredients for pancakes while she hears a distant bickering between what sounds like Seokjin and Hoseok, which makes her laugh a little. She focuses on her preparing everything for the pancakes.

It's quick and easy, her hands moving automatically until she's turning off the stove. Opening a glass jar of hazelnut spread, she notices Hoseok coming into the kitchen as he lets out a grumble, saying something about having to get soda for Jimin which she just responds to with a giggle. 

He grabs the bottle of soda, throwing a few glances at her which she doesn't notice, not until he sets the bottle on the kitchen counter, obviously not joining the guys right away. She chuckles, a soft smile appearing on her lips as she questionably looks at him.

"Jungkook is about to go." he informs her, knowing she knows about his plans and to be honest, he's not even sure why he started like that. He had to somehow start this conversation. It's been bothering him for quite some time now.

"Ah, yeah, he told me." she shrugs, not giving too much attention to it. What else does she have to say? 

"So... you and Y/N are still on bad terms?" he asks unsurely, fully knowing the answer to that and probably Kiko knows that, especially her own best friend because they had this conversation before. Still, she tenses a little at his question.

"I... I guess. I apologized but I know I made a mistake, she has every right to be mad at me." she admits, shrugging even though it bothers her.

"This is ruining you, I can see it. Are you really okay with her hating you?" he exclaims in disbelief, still keeping his voice down though.

Kiko stops what she's doing, letting out a huge sigh before she gives a look to him. "No, Hobi, I'm not," she says slightly bitterly, "I know how much it hurts Jungkook to see us not getting along, but it's my fault and I'm taking all that responsibility for it."

"And like I said, it's ruining you," Hoseok says right away, brows pinched together as a displeased frown makes its way on his usually bright face. "It's hurting you and you're not doing anything about it."

"What else can I do?" she exclaims suddenly, clearing her throat as she shifts her gaze away from him. Hoseok means well, she knows that. But talking about it and him trying to solve all of this is just impossible. 

"Talk to Jungkook." he proposes which makes her scoff.

"I talked to him about it, he didn't want to know anything else and I respect that. I already ruined a huge part of our relationship, I don't want to ruin the rest of it." she tells him and his gaze softens when her voice quivers slightly.

She holds a lot of emotions inside her and like Hoseok said many times, it's ruining her inside. Saying Jungkook doesn't want to know is just an excuse, so she doesn't have to face her biggest fear. But Hoseok knows her well enough to know, it's hurting her but she's desperately trying to cope with it because of Jungkook. Because she loves him and knows she doesn't deserve him.

"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it. You're just telling that to yourself because you're scared," he tells her honestly, tone getting hushed and stern because she's too stubborn to even consider other solutions. "This is not gonna end up good, Kik and you know it."

Her eyes snap to his face, features hardening because she doesn't want to hear any of this. But Hoseok is determined and even though he's coming from a good place because he truly cares for her, she doesn't want to hear it. Just the thought of it pains her, it's hurting her too much.

"Hobi, please," she murmurs, heart hurting from his stern glance he's giving her. "Don't make this any harder."

"You've made this harder for yourself Kik and you know it," he reminds her and she quickly catches onto the sadness and disappointment in his voice. "This is hard for me too. Jungkook is my friend too."

She knows it, she freaking knows it and him talking about it makes her feel like she's about to burst in tears any second. The guilt eating her out alive to the point she can't pretend to be okay. But things are okay when she's with Jungkook. He has that effect on her and although she knows she hurt him the most and he deserves much better. Only he wouldn't be so sweet and never tried to get her back. 

She's selfish probably, she should've told him 'no' when he approached her and tried to win her back. She shouldn't have succumbed to her heart and feelings she has felt for him. She thought maybe it's another chance for her to make things right. But she got into even a bigger mess without Jungkook knowing. 

"I'm sorry..." she whispers, staring down at her feet in shame.

"No, Kik," Hoseok shakes his head, his own heart cracking at the sight of seeing her in such pain, not mentioning the same guilt he's been seeing for months now. That's why he has decided to voice his concerns to her. He can't see her destroying herself.

And that's why he opens his mouth again, determined to talk to her despite her current state of breaking down again. "I'm your friend, I told you I've got your back. I don't mean to sound as if I'm blaming you... but think about Jungkook. You've to tell him, you should've told him sooner."

Disappointment is written on his face this time, not even surprised when Kiko starts disapprovingly shaking her head. But he sees it. The fear. "No, no he doesn't wanna know," 

She sees the way he raises his brow at her, knowing she's in denial and he's about to open his mouth but she quickly continues. 

"Our relationship is good, Hobi, I can't risk ruining it any further. I'm aware everything is my fault and there is not a day I don't think about it, but I love him. I love him so much and now I finally got him back. Please." 

It's breaking his heart to see her beg him, it's hard to stay determined especially when she's on the verge of tears, sounding weak. But if he doesn't stay determined and make her see the truth she's so desperately afraid of, it's going to keep hurting and ruining her. She's never going to be truly happy. Not saying that Jungkook deserves to know the whole truth. 

Kiko is his best friend, but like it's been said, Jungkook is his friend too. It's hard to look him in the face, knowing things Jungkook doesn't know of. It makes him feel bad and guilty. Kiko is not the only one affected. This has and will affect even more people.

"This has gone too far, Jungkook might be okay with it because he loves you... but he deserves to know. It's hard for me too, but I'm not sure how long I can take it." He reminds her gently.

"Hobi!" she exclaims, panic visible in her eyes as Hoseok shakes his head and she knows he's already decided. 

"If you don't tell him, I will."

And that is everything she's been scared of, selfishly feeling betrayal from her best friend even though she realizes he means no harm. She's been hurting him too, the weight of her actions not hurting only her and Jungkook, but him too. 

"You wouldn't do that..." she shakily whispers, tears pooling in her eyes as he feels the need to look away.

"I'm sorry, Kik. I know I promised you, but this has gone too far. Jungkook is gonna hate both of us, but it's better than him not knowing the whole truth while you're torturing yourself every day. You might think you're happy but deep down, it's always gonna live inside you. And the truth always comes out, the sooner it'll it's better. For everyone."

She's shaking her head, hands clutching her chest as she's about to desperately trying to make him change his mind but before she can even open her mouth, she registers a movement from the corner of her eyes hearing another presence in the room. Her heart drops as soon as she's met with Jungkook, his face almost unreadable but yet one look at him, and she knows. He heard them. 

She barely notices the gasp that leaves her mouth, her insides rolling at the thought of Jungkook hearing their conversation that was never supposed to happen. Her already broken state doesn't make it hard for her to cry, which pains both of them and Hoseok knows it has to be done. Obviously, he didn't know about Jungkook listening to all of this but maybe that's for the best. Now she can't walk away from it and has to face it.

And she's about to lose it when she wants to get closer to Jungkook but he stops her immediately, keeping distance between them.

"I can explain," she jumps to say, "W-we were just talking and--"

"I don't wanna hear anything right now," he cuts her off, shaking his head.

She wants to be mad at Hoseok, for talking about such a thing right now when not only Jungkook, but the rest of the guys are here. Anyone could hear and the only person she wouldn't want to hear is standing right in front of her with a hurt yet empty face. Hoseok senses the tension, knowing he shouldn't be here right now and he excuses himself.

And when she tries to talk to him, explaining it even though she's not sure what to say, he stops her. He sees how confused he is by all of this, his thoughts are not settled and her trying to talk to him would just make it worse.

When 'no more secrets' makes it out of his mouth, she gasps and tries to make her way towards him again but he stops her again, but this time with a glare.

"No, whatever Hoseok wants you to tell me, you will. Tomorrow."

And those are his final words before he walks out of the room, her heart dropping and cracking all over again. Her weak legs not being able to hold her as the panic rising inside her makes her cry even more. And the only person who could bring her comfort just left, wanting from her something she's been afraid of.

The brown liquid in a cup does nothing but make Jungkook's stomach churn, it settles weirdly in his stomach as soon as he takes a sip, fully aware he has barely slept last night. How could he? Even though his body was pleading for some rest, his mind was too preoccupied with what he heard. And when his eyes finally closed for a short period of time, both mind and body not being able to take in the countless thoughts and tiredness, his dreams had been filled with different scenarios of Kiko and Hoseok. Together.

Instead of getting some energy from his usual morning coffee, he feels like throwing it up as his stomach protests whenever the brown liquid slides down his throat. Ever since he left Hoseok's place, he hasn't been the same.

On his way to get you, all he could think about was their conversation he wasn't supposed to hear. What has surprised him the most is the guilt in Hoseok's voice, telling him that he's much more involved than Kiko has ever admitted. 

The constant support she has gotten from him, the way he has been always there for her and even in the times when they had been broken up, Hoseok always treated her as a delicate doll – as if she wasn't the one who broke up with Jungkook. As if she wasn't the one who hurt him by breaking up with him and then admitting she cheated on him. 

Jungkook remembers the way his hand gripped the steering wheel tightly just at the thought of the only rational guess he could think of. When she assured him Hoseok is not the one she cheated with, he trusted her because her reaction seemed legit. But now that he heard their conversation and especially heard Hoseok, not just his words but the tone he was talking with. Sad, guilty, determined for Jungkook to know the truth.

He can't possibly be in this relationship when there's something happening behind his back, his curiosity and worry increasing rapidly. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to know any details of how it happened and with whom it happened. The less details he knows, the less it hurts and he can't possibly imagine how it'll hurt once he finds out who she cheated with. But now, after hearing Kiko and Hoseok talking and everything about it, he's determined to know the truth.

The ride to the club you're working at was blurry and not even the sight of you already waiting for him with a tired yet soft smile couldn't take his mind off anything. Still, he tried to appear as if nothing happened, spent almost an half of the ride with you complaining how tired you are but telling him you kind of missed it. You even admitted it took your mind off Haneul which relatively, you've been doing fine without him. Jungkook knows keeping yourself busy makes you feel better for numerous reasons. 

And on your part, it wasn't that hard to understand that Jungkook was acting somehow weird. He wasn't talkative as usual and for a moment you thought that the cause of him being so silent and distant, is because it's already late and he has to pick you up and drive you home. But who were you kidding? Jungkook was the first one that proposed picking you up and you knew that it's not the real reason behind his weird behavior. 

And fuck, he wanted to tell you so bad. He didn't even know what he really thought about it. Is he suspecting Hoseok of being the guy Kiko cheated with? Deep down, he knows he does. It makes sense but there's still a part of him that denies it, thinking Hoseok – his friend – wouldn't be able to do that to him. Does it even make sense? Hoseok and Kiko had never been that close.

As Jungkook felt quite overwhelmed, a lump in his throat almost hurting, he noticed how tired you were and that's when you voiced out your concern, asking him if he's alright, he just waved you off and assured you everything's fine. 

Both of you knowing that's not it and there's something more to his behavior, you respectfully minded your own business knowing if he wants to tell you, he will. 

Jungkook isn't even sure how you would react. Would you think Hoseok is able to do that to him? He knows there's some kind of weird tension between you and him, which undoubtedly is caused by the fact he's Kiko's best friend and he's always there to prove that to you. It's almost funny because both of you are actually the same. You and him are both protecting your best friends, proving it to each other.

Earlier in the morning, he had decided and quickly did it before he could change his mind, he texted Kiko the time he wanted to meet. When she had replied she'll be there, he had felt even more stressed from the entire situation. 

And he still feels like it, even when she's sitting on the opposite side of the dining table, nervously gripping the cup of tea he made her. A little trace of the lack of sleep is evident on her face and she seems just as stressed as he does. He can't bring himself to feel satisfied about it. Even though there's this hidden anger and annoyance inside of him (mostly hurt and pain though), he can't feel better to see she doesn't look any better in the first place. He still cares for her.

Perhaps, this is his fault too. He did give her a second chance, he wouldn't even be in this situation right now if he didn't. Yet, he doesn't regret fighting for their love and giving their relationship a second chance, no matter what anyone else thinks about it. To be fair, it's not anyone else's business either.

Kiko's shaky hands don't go unnoticed by Jungkook as she brings the herbal tea closer to her lips to take a sip. She's making him even anxious, to see her be this nervous and he's not even sure if he wants to hear everything. No, he has to... he's just trying to avoid all the pain he's been avoiding for months. 

He had been happy when they got together. It was something new for both of them, earning back that trust which wasn't easy but easier with the love they have been feeling for each other. Will that love be enough this time? 

"Did you drive here in this state?" He can't help but speak up for the first time after they greeted each other and Jungkook led her to his kitchen.

He still might feel like he's about to burst from all the uncomfortable emotions pooling inside him, but he's still worried when he sees how much she's affected by this. Even when she finally gets the courage to look at him, to see his tired and puffy eyes from the lack of sleep, he doesn't mistake the pain behind her brown irises. 

"No," She finds her voice, it comes out raspy and makes her clear her throat slightly as she looks away. "Hoseok drove me here. He's waiting outside."

Jungkook tenses at the mention of Hoseok, his thoughts and fear proving right so far but all he can manage to do is nod. He's definitely involved in this. He knew from the beginning Hoseok knows more than Jungkook does, but the thought of Hoseok being the guy is far worse. 

He rubs his face, covering his mouth for a second as he looks at her. Their eyes meet, sharing a similar pain and discomfort and he swears, he can't take it any longer. "It's him, isn't it?"

Kiko blinks a few times, her hands shakily putting down the cup. "What do you mean?"

She knows what he means, she knows what he's aiming at and she has the audacity to try to buy more time by beating around the bush. That makes him frown and an unappreciative look is sent her way as he's trying to keep it cool.

However, he faces her confidently with an arched brow, silently calling her out on her stalling. She knows very well what he's about to ask. 

"Hoseok," he says simply, "He's the one you cheated on me with." He doesn't ask, he simply states it as he lets his fearful thoughts that have been haunting ever since he heard their conversation out of his mouth. 

There's a beat of silence, Kiko's pupils widening for a moment as she stares at Jungkook with a slightly opened mouth. Her shaky hands land on her lap under the table, away from Jungkook's stern yet hurtful eyes. 

"No," she murmurs, shaking her head before she gets the courage to finally face him again, this time with desperation clear on her saddened features. "Of course not. I already told you it's not him."

That makes Jungkook scoff a little, shaking his head because how can he be sure she's telling the truth? When he looks at her, he doesn't see any traces of lie or something that could indicate her lying. But still, he has his own doubts and trust issues that are no one's fault but her. 

"Why not?" he shrugs bitterly, clenching his jaw. "It'd make sense." He sounds bitter and petty, he fully realizes it but he can't help it. The thought of them together, hurting him like that and doing something so disgusting behind his back makes him sick. 

"Jungkook, please," Kiko shakes her head, voice rising slightly. "Do you honestly think he'd be able to do that to you?"

"I've never thought you'd be able to do that to me and here we are," he exclaims, outstretching his arms all of a sudden which makes her eyes widen for a moment before they're filled with guilt. The same guilt he's seen countless times and that's why he wants to discuss this problem once and for all. "Now tell me the truth... it was him, right?" 

Jungkook isn't aware of the way her heart drops, all he can see is her looking extremely guilty and sad. She's breaking and a tiny part of him feels bad for it, he still loves her after all. No matter how sad, heartbroken and angry he might be, she's still his girlfriend who he loves despite what's about to come. Surely, it won't be any good news and he's aware of it. It's not something he can prepare himself for. He has to face it. 

"No, I already told you," she tells him desperately, letting out a shaky breath as she closes her eyes for a moment, feeling them burn. "It's not him."

He looks at her skeptically, searching her face that has the courage to look back at him. She knows he's trying to see whether she's telling the truth or not, so she faces him even when tears are pooling in her eyes.

And Jungkook doesn't get it. If it's not Hoseok, why the hell does she seem so guilty about it? Would she feel this guilty if it was a stranger? Or someone from her past he hasn't met? One thing is sure, she feels guilty no matter who it is. However, he can't help but let his mind go wild and the possible options. 

Is it someone else from their friends circle? The thought of it being-- no, he can't even think that. They wouldn't do that to him. They've been there for him through this time. She's not even on Taehyung's good side at the moment.

And something snaps inside him. All he wants is for her to talk, to tell him everything but so far she's just answering his guess. He can't control himself when the next words leave his mouth.

"Then fucking tell me," he slaps his hand against the dining table, a loud thud erupting in the kitchen as he stands up abruptly, closing his eyes as fingers run through his raven hair.

Despite his state, he notices Kiko flinch as she stares at him completely shocked, not expecting him to snap like that.

"Sorry," he murmurs an apology, not being able to look at her as he lets go of his hair. "Just-- just tell me everything. I need to know."

"I didn't want to... I still don't want to tell you," she murmurs, shamefully looking at her hands before she meets Jungkook's empty look. "You're gonna hate me and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that."

"I haven't hated you, not even when you came clean about your cheating. Don't you see that I'm trying? I gave you a second chance, I'm trying to find out the truth I deserve to know." He's not careful with his words, letting his heart speak as his tone turns into an accusatory one. 

"I know... I know," she groans, hiding her face in her hands for a second as a single tear rolls down her cheek. "It's so selfish from me, I'm so selfish but I love you so much, Kookie,"

He tenses at the nickname, hardening his glance which makes her smile a little. It's a sad, almost defeated smile. And he stays quiet, not letting the single nickname soften him as he demands answers. But Kiko hasn't said it to soften him, she has said it purely out of her heart because there's no way Jungkook will love her after this. 

"Just please know I did it to protect you, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt you any further."

"Please, just--" Jungkook almost whimpers, pleading with her to finally start talking because he's growing impatient with each word that leaves her mouth. He's standing, gripping the edge of his kitchen stool as he leans against it, knowing he can't just sit down and stare at her like they're having a casual conversation. 

Nevertheless, Kiko nods quickly and non-verbally lets him know that she's getting to it. 

"Jungkook," It's weird to hear her say Jungkook. He's mostly been Kookie to her, Jungkook sounds distant right now. "When I broke up with you, I wasn't planning on getting back with you. I broke up with you, so you would never have to know the truth. I was better off knowing you hate me for breaking up with you over a stupid reason, than knowing the truth..."

He's heard this before – when they had a conversion when the whole cheating situation came out. That's when he told her he wouldn't be able to hate her. He was hurt, yes. He spent days and nights trying to figure out why she would break up with him all of a sudden. He was so desperate and sad that he had to ask you for help. 

"But then when I saw you with Y/N... I was so hurt by all of it, knowing it's my fault because if I had never broken up with you, you'd still be with me but I had to do it. And then we talked and you confessed that you still love me. I've never stopped loving you Jungkook, so meeting up with you and talking with you about possibly getting back together seemed like the only right option for my broken heart,"

He has this sudden anger inside him, wanting to interrupt her and ask her; Are you the one with a broken heart? You broke up with me. You cheated on me. Of course, rationally it doesn't mean she isn't hurting too. But he's glad she's finally talking, noticing that it isn't easy for her as she brings her shaky fingers to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear every now and then, so he lets her talk while keeping his mouth shut. 

"You gave me a second chance and I thought 'What the hell did I do to deserve this? This must be my chance' and I selfishly took it because yes, I'm selfish but I also love you and I was willing to be with you with guilt eating me alive, if it'd mean I get to be with you again."

"I don't want to hear this, you know what I want to hear from you. The name. The explanation." he tells her sternly, not hiding another prominent frown adoring his extremely tired face. That's another thing she gets to feel guilty about. He has barely slept because of her. His second chance is biting him back in the ass right now. 

"You probably don't want to but you have to," she tells him simply, "I couldn't stay away even though I tried... but it was bound for us to see each other again, like at Jin's and Jia's wedding."

Yeah, that was unavoidable. Two of their friends were getting married, it'd be stupid not to come and attend because they knew one another would be there too. 

"Okay, I get that but what does it have to do with everything?" He knows she's trying to go into depth and maybe if their relationship and his heart weren't at stake, he would be actually patient. This doesn't mean he hasn't been listening though. "As much as it's nice to know you've never stopped loving me, I want to know about the cheating."

All she can muster is to give him a sad smile in return, nodding her head. "Do you remember when we went camping?"

"What about it?" he grumbles in return, growing even more impatient.

On the other hand, Kiko is very patient and even though her misery and sadness is more than clear, she breathes out a small smile. It's barely visible but Jungkook notices it, thanks to his feisty and curious glare. 

"We went for a walk to talk and you wanted to know the reason why I broke up with you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know all of that," he exclaims, frowning. "Where are you going with this? I need the name and explanation, Kiko. Who's the fucker? Who did you fuck behind my back?"

Kiko's eyes widen once again, understanding Jungkook's loud tone and annoyance. Straightening himself, he lets out a huff as he settles a glare back on her. She visibly shifts on her spot, biting the inside of her cheek before she finally looks up at him.

"No one." she whispers.

"What kind of fucked up game is this?!" he exclaims, smacking his hands against thighs frustratedly. He has to turn around, taking a deep breath before he faces her again while she sits behind the table, looking small and fragile. 

He has every right to have this kind of reaction. He feels like he doesn't understand anything. 

"I'm telling you the truth... no one."

Jungkook scoffs at that, "Were you even planning on telling me? Why did you come here? I told you I want an explanation but all I got so far is--"

"I'm telling you right now," she interrupts him, "No one. The answer is no one, Jungkook,"

He's speechless for a moment, staring at her completely dumbfounded with a half-opened mouth as his brows furrowed in a confused glare. He's too shocked and confused to say anything and Kiko doesn't beat around the bush this time, opening her mouth again. 

"I've never cheated on you." she says softly, Jungkook's mind completely shutting down as he just stares at her.

He's not even breathing, quickly gripping the edge of stool as he stares at her with wide doe eyes. "You what..." he whispers, finally taking a short and shaky breath. 

"When you wanted to know why I broke up with you, you told me what Hoseok told you. I panicked because he promised me he wouldn't interfere and say anything to you, it's not his fault though. I begged him not to tell you anything and he has been nothing but a great friend to me. But for a moment I thought you knew, but then you added that you don't know the reason and you suddenly questioned me about cheating."

"B-but you said..." he trails off, too shocked to even finish a sentence. Oh fuck, he swears he's about to faint. He's not sure whether he should be happy or not, but all he can feel is a pure shock that makes him almost unable to react properly. 

"I panicked," She looks down in shame as she says it. "I went along with it because I know the truth would hurt you more."

"So you lied to me? All this time I thought you cheated on me, the hell, Y/N hates you for it and I was suffering ever since you told me that. You even realize what I've been going through?" he exclaims, not believing what he's hearing right now. Is there a chance she's lying right now? She said it herself, she didn't want to tell Jungkook any more details. She could be easily lying and tell him this to make him believe that she never cheated. Would she be able to do that? Fuck, he's not sure. 

"I'm so sorry," she tells him, features curled into a sympathetic gaze which Jungkook responds to with a scoff. "No matter what I say will make up for what I caused you. That's why I broke up with you and wasn't planning on getting back together. I made a mistake, I should've stayed away from you."

"No," Jungkook shakes his head firmly, "You should've been honest with me from the beginning. That's what I deserve."

She doesn't deny it, he's completely right and she knows it. She's not just sad and hurt, but also ashamed that she's being called out by Jungkook at this very moment, fully realizing things are about to get worse. Jungkook is already looking like he's barely holding up.

"I know..." she whispers.

A few seconds of silence follows as Jungkook is completely overwhelmed by the news, feeling like a rock has fallen off his heart. All this time he thought he wasn't good enough, tried not to think about her cheating too much even though that was almost impossible. And for his own sake, he settled on not wanting to know any details. Would she keep lying if he insisted knowing how it happened and with who?

But as his mind starts to process more thoughts and different kinds of possible scenarios, he's remembered of what she has said too. This is no longer just about cheating that proved to be a product of a big and painful lie.

"So, what's the truth?"

Kiko has been waiting for him to ask that but once he does, she's not ready for it as she expected to be. Deep down, she knows she wouldn't ever be ready for this but it's something she has to do.

"You told me the truth will hurt me more, so I'm asking... What's the truth? What's the real reason why you broke up with me?"

You're confused when you're in the middle of sorting out your dirty laundry when your phone starts to ring. Maybe it's Jungkook, you think, wondering what he's up to. He was acting weird yesterday when he picked you up. As much as you wanted to make sure he's okay and maybe pry a little to know if something happened, you quickly stopped yourself because he obviously didn't want to talk about it. Maybe he had a fight with Kiko. After all, she's still a sensitive topic between you two and even though you mostly try to keep your opinions rational, it's been a very dangerous zone mentioning her.

He could tell you they had an argument and you wouldn't even have to hear what it was about before you'd have a bitter remark back. And Jungkook knows that, so he probably decided not to say anything. Plus, it doesn't have to be something serious.

However, being you and your usual nosy self, you didn't miss the opportunity to ask Jimin when he texted you later in the evening yesterday. Apparently, they both acted weird and when Jungkook left to pick you up, Kiko left soon after looking as if she was crying. Hoseok was acting weird too, almost as if he knew what happened between them but never commented on it for the rest of the night. 

Your brows twist into a confusion when an unknown number is calling you, your annoyance rising. It's probably another mobile operator or someone from the insurance company trying to get you to take a mortgage. You're about to cancel the call but you've this weird feeling, something urging you to pick up. It's Sunday, do they even call on Sundays?

With a sigh, you pick up the phone and you're not going to lie, annoyed you make an appearance when you not so pleasantly answer the call with a; "Hello?"

"Y/N?"

You're confused, pulling away from the phone with a scrunched nose and confused glare as you stare at the unknown number. The voice seems familiar but you can't quite pinpoint who it is. "Yeah?"

"It's me Hoseok," he says, somehow sounding nervous for some reason. When did he even get your number? You've never given it to him, that's for sure. There never was a reason to give him your number anyway. 

"You free to talk?"

"Uhhh, yeah?" you ask unsurely, caging your phone between your cheek and shoulder as you start continuing to rummage through your clothes, separating white from colorful clothing. 

"Listen, I need you to come to Jungkook's place."

You freeze for a second, "And why's that?"

"He needs you." he says, sounding more confident and kind of panicky which makes a pang hit you in your chest. 

"Did something happen?" You sound an alarm, dropping down your dirty white blouse back to the laundry basket that's on the floor as you straighten yourself, gripping the phone into your hand. 

"I--just trust me please. You need to come to Jungkook's place like, right now. He needs you."

"You're scaring me, Hoseok." you tell him, but your legs still move you to your bedroom to get you out of your pajamas before you're already pulling out a random pair of sweatpants from your closet. 

"I'm sorry, but I had to call you. Please, just come here as fast as you can." He sounds desperate and what you can't see is the way Hoseok frustratedly rubs his forehead as he stares at the apartment complex where Jungkook lives. 

He's been in his car for quite some time and there hasn't been any sign from Kiko coming down. He knows their conversation will take its time, he's fully aware of it but he knows what Kiko is about to tell him won't end up good. For both of them, but right now, he's mainly concerned about Jungkook. What is about to be dropped down on him will ruin him.

"Alright, I'm coming." 

Hoseok hears rustling and you rushing, the call between you two ending as he lets out a shaky breath. He doesn't feel any better but still, there's at least some kind of hope that you'll get here. 

After all, he wasn't lying. Jungkook needs you, even if he doesn't know it yet. 

Each passing second seems like an hour, at least to Jungkook who stares at his girlfriend with a stern and solid look. He's completely oblivious to the battle that's happening inside her head. She's going to lose him, she knows she will but she has to face the consequences. She also has to come with the terms that's what's going to happen. There's no way she can save their relationship after this. 

What Jungkook is not oblivious about, is her constant shaking fingers that yes, breaks his heart but he has to control his worried and protective side. It's nothing new but he knows she's the one at fault in this and as much as his heart is big and generous, he just wants to know the truth after all.

"Listen," he sighs, widening his eyes when she flinches, not expecting him to say something. It's like she's scared of whatever he's about to say. It makes him even more nervous, but also curious why she's acting like this. 

"Whatever you're about to tell me, I can see it's affecting you and you're worrying me. But I've to know, you understand that, right?" 

She nods weakly, sniffling a little as she looks up and meets his big doe eyes that aren't as welcoming as they were when they met. He looks stern, features hard and sharp but even despite that, there's a hint of concern in his chocolate dark eyes.

But this time, Jungkook doesn't wait around and stares at her, giving her the time. So he presses again, impatience clear in his voice. "Tell me the reason, Kik."

And that's the hitting point when a loud sob leaves her mouth as she starts crying, covering her face with hands. Jungkook's features soften but he doesn't move from his spot, simply watching her body shake as she cries. She's trying to hold it in, pulling hands away from her face as she takes a deep yet shaky breath. And then she musters all the courage to look him in the eyes for god knows how many times.

"I... I was pregnant," 

The words are whispered but Jungkook has heard it nevertheless, his whole body freezing. What did she say? It feels like the blood has drained from his body and the whole world has stopped. He'd have believed it if it weren't for Kiko and her obvious body movement as she starts sobbing. 

"You--what?" Jungkook manages to choke out, feeling his throat tightening and even the simplest thing like breathing makes him feel like he's about to choke.

Kiko's features twist painfully as she sucks in breath before opening her mouth. She has already said it. There's no way of going back. "I was pregnant,"

This time slightly louder, Jungkook's mouth falls open as the same shock fills up his whole face.

"With your baby."

And that makes him almost lose his balance, his hands quickly grasping the edge of the kitchen island. All he can hear is the word 'pregnant', not believing that this is happening. The simple sentence keeps repeating in his head but it's far from simple, he still can't fully process what she just said to him.

He feels ringing in his ears, shutting his eyes tightly when he can't forget another detail in the three word sentence. His voice comes out as desperate, the usual sweet yet deep voice is gone as both of them can hear that it's breaking. He is breaking. 

And again, Kiko braces herself for yet another shocking and breaking news that would surely be the ending call. Full of shame, her own voice breaking when she says; "I got an abortion." 

And that's the final straw for Jungkook because before shock fully settles inside him again, he can't take it and feels a harsh pang in his chest. That kind of pain that he has never felt before. Sadness, betrayal, anger... he can't possibly name all the emotions he's experiencing and feeling right now. 

Jungkook doesn't think of himself as someone who's mentally completely strong, can get through anything in life and is undestroyable. Yet, he's not weak either. Oh, well, it's better to say that he never really had to experience something that would make him feel weak – at least not to the point he felt like going on his knees. But that's changed. Because if it weren't for the tight grip he has on a kitchen island, he'd surely be on his knees right now.

He lets his heart and emotions speak, the utter heartbreak and loss he's feeling makes his eyes sting with tears as they start coming down his cheeks in waves. No sound makes it past his lips though. Once he hears the stool screech against his marble floor in the kitchen, he grows tense and turns around. 

Kiko stops in her tracks, her face mirroring Jungkook as she can't seem to stop crying, but this time they just stare at each other. Kiko stares in pain, Jungkook in a hundred other emotions that's enough to break every single heart that would see him. 

"Why?"

It's a simple question, yet holds so much pain as Jungkook manages to ask, having to look away because he's not sure how much he can look at her without breaking apart. 

Maybe something happened and she had to-- no, he's not going to think about possible reasons of why she did that just to make himself feel better, even if it's not possible. 

"I--I wasn't ready," she tries to say, her voice shaky as she notices the way Jungkook's whole back tenses while his jaw is clenched so tightly that he's scared he's about to crack it.

Betrayal is the first thing that crosses his mind. There are so many questions that keep screaming inside his mind and it causes something to snap inside him. Grabbing his phone that's been sitting a few inches from his hands, he surprises both of them when he throws it against the wall. The device breaks apart as soon as it hits the wall, flying to three different directions.

Kiko jumps in surprise, a surprised yelp leaving her mouth and more tears welled up in her eyes when she glances back at Jungkook who keeps his head low, shaking his head. 

"We weren't ready, Jungkook. It happened all of a sudden--"

"That happens when people have unprotected sex," he snaps, straightening himself as he turns around and glares at her. Despite the anger evident on his face, there's mostly sadness and disappointment that anyone would notice if they knew Jungkook for so long. 

"I was on birth control, Jungkook," she reminds him softly and stupidly, knowing it's completely lame – at least Jungkook thinks that when he scoffs loudly. 

They both knew the risks, obviously both of them weren't planning on having a baby so soon. He wanted to do it step by step. Maybe he's old fashioned but he wanted her to move in with him. He knew he wanted to propose in the near future as well. But if she got pregnant and even if it wasn't planned, he wouldn't be angry and he would act responsibly according to that. 

They are a couple, were dating for over two years back then, but that's not what breaks him the most. Is the fact she did something like that without him knowing. She didn't tell him, she kept it a secret and it was too late to change her mind. It hurts him to think she didn't come up to him and talked to him about it.

"I can't believe you," he whispers, shutting his eyes tightly because a sudden mourn overcomes him. He's not sure how much he can take. "I deserved to know!" he suddenly yells, shaky hands going into his hair as he tugs on it harshly. 

She stares in shame at him, knowing looks are crossing her features but there's nothing she can do. She can't change anything.

It all makes sense. How scared she looked when he asked her about the reason for their break-up. How guilty she looked and said she made a mistake, that she regrets it and will live with it for the rest of her life. 

He suddenly imagines their baby, wondering if it was a girl or a boy. What the baby would look like. Would the baby look like him? Would the baby have his personality? Would the baby be a perfect mix of them both? 

Being a father wasn't his nearest goal but surely was something he was looking forward to and if it happened at the most unexpected time, he wouldn't even think of getting rid of... her or him? 

"You didn't tell me, I had every right to know about that! How dare you make such a decision without me even knowing you were--" He can't bring himself to even say it, pressing his lips tightly while she wipes the never ending tears off her cheeks. 

"It's my body." She tries to argue, trying to find something to protect herself even though she realizes Jungkook is right. She had much more time to think about this than he has. Everything he feels towards her right now, she felt towards herself for months. 

"And it was my baby too!" he yells, trashing his hands angrily. "I can't believe you'd have done something like this. You betrayed me. You--you didn't even tell me you were pregnant, we could've talked about it. Do you think I wouldn't be able to take care of you?"

She shakes her head quickly, desperation curling on her face as she tries to take a step closer to him but he takes a step back.

"Of course not," she cries out.

Now it's not the time to feel insecure but fuck, does it hurt knowing she didn't want to have his baby. After two years of dating, he thought she loved him. That she trusted him and she completely broke his trust, and him too. 

"The doctor told me there's a chance the baby is not healthy. They couldn't run too many tests because I was still early in the pregnancy... it was a risk and--and I panicked," Jungkook scoffs, getting angrier and sadder with each word she says. It's like he can't stand her talking. "Jungkook, I've thought about it every second since the doctor told me that. We weren't ready for a baby, Jungkook, but if the doctor told me the baby is all healthy, things would be different. We would be able to work it out maybe, but--"

"Shut up," Jungkook cuts her off, taking a shaky breath as he shakes his head, "Just shut up," he says angrily this time.

"When-- when did you..."

He doesn't even have to finish a sentence for her to know what she's asking. 

"After I broke up with you," she whispers, seeing another pained look on Jungkook's face.

So when she broke up with him, she was carrying their baby. The baby they made with love without them even knowing. Still, it was proof of their love – expected or not. 

"I couldn't--I couldn't tell you what I was about to do. I knew it'd affect you and hurt you, I knew it'd destroy you--"

"So you came up with a lame excuse. Do you even know what I've been through? What have I done to get you back?" He bitterly chuckles at himself how stupid and naive he was. He was fighting for her this whole time without knowing she fucking betrayed him and hurt him in a complete different manner. 

She looks away, not being able to look him in the eyes as she weakly nods, sobbing. 

"I understand it's your body--but the baby--it was mine too. I had every right to know about it." He tries to sound angry but his voice cracks and he's ready to fall apart.

"I know..."

"You know?!" he yells, ignoring the way she flinches. "You know and yet you've--just--leave, fucking leave." he snaps desperately, hands rubbing his red and puffy face as his palms get wet from the tears that are running down his face. 

He's not sure if he ever cried like this before. One thing he knows is that he has never felt this kind of heartbreak and pain before. This is something completely new to him and he has no idea how to cope with it. But what he does know is that he can't be in her presence. Not when he can barely look at her.

"Jungkook, please--" she cries out, running towards him as she grasps his hands desperately but she gets pushed away easily by him. It's the first time he has ever done something like that. She is shocked but then the shock is gone, fully understanding his reaction. It's breaking her. 

"Get out," he snaps, pointing towards the door. She's crying, loudly and messily and still tries to hold onto Jungkook but he grasps her forearms and shakes her a little. "Get the fuck out!" he yells, pushing her away, still careful not to push her too hard. He really doesn't want to hurt her, he's not capable of hurting her like that but right now, the pain is ruining him.. 

"I don't ever wanna see you again." 

She freezes, her mouth opening before a loud choked sob leaves her mouth. She's staring at him, stupidly hoping that he said it just because he's hurt but no. He's too upset right now and she fears that when she walks out of this apartment, she will never see him again. A tiny part of her is reconciled with that but the other rejects the most obvious. This is what she has been so scared of. Her biggest fear became a reality. She knows it's all her fault, she messed up badly and there's no turning back because one look at Jungkook, she already knows she lost him.

The usual sweet and loving boyfriend that has always loved her from day one, is now standing a few meters away from her completely broken, and it's all because of her. 

And that moment she realizes that there's nothing she can do and the best thing she can do for him, is to leave as he requests. It's enough that he can't even look her in the eyes, avoiding to look even in the direction she's standing. He despises her, hates her probably right now. She wouldn't be surprised.

So she turns around, barely holding herself as she quickly rushes out of his front door after grabbing her coat and putting on her shoes, nearly colliding with someone that almost easily pushes her to the ground, if it weren't for the grasp on her shoulders that holds her balanced. 

The first thing you notice is the way her whole body shakes, loud sobs leaving her mouth as she looks at her, probably not recognizing you at first from her blurry vision and all the tears that are the cause of that. 

"What happened?" you ask shocked, letting go of her hands as she's crying so hard that even you're shocked and completely speechless. Yet, your heart beats fast at all the possible scenarios that happened.

You haven't talked to Hoseok, not even when you rushed out of your car and noticed his own parked in the distance. All you could think of were his words and that you're needed right now. But you've never imagined this – Kiko shaking and crying so much that you're actually worried about her. She looks like seconds from a panic attack and you panic too, cursing that you didn't call for Hoseok so he could come up with you.

But you couldn't have expected this to happen. 

She's shaking her head, trying to rush past you but you block her, staring at her with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" she cries out, bumping into you as she rushes past you, not even waiting for the elevator as she takes the stairs.

You stand there frozen for a moment, but that's until you hear a loud crash coming from Jungkook's apartment, the front door of it still opened when Kiko barged out of there. You quickly rush inside, shutting the door with a loud thud that makes you cringe. You don't even take off your shoes, your heart dropping when you hear another crash that comes out from the kitchen. 

The sight you see when you make it there, it's something you've never seen before and it makes your heart drop all over again. Jungkook is like in a trance, glass scattered all over the floor as he grabs a cup on the dining table before he smashes it against the wall. The dark liquid makes an awful stain on the wall and you gasp, rushing towards Jungkook when he's already taking another vase off his kitchen counter.

"Jungkook! Jungkook!" you yell at him, gripping his wrists tightly as he fights against your hold.

It's only when you get closer to him you realize that he's crying, his eyes red and puffy, causing your stomach to twist. His hair is falling into his face but you can still make out the pain and how much he's trying to turn, so you can't see him. But it's too late.

You almost yelp when he tries to pry your hands off him, him being completely stronger he can do that very easily, but not in his current state. 

"What happened? Jungkook, what happened?" You're surprised when a loud sob comes out of his mouth, completely shattering your shocked state as the simple sound and sight of him makes you cry too as you ask him those questions. It already breaks your heart to see him like this and there's no time to be shocked about it. 

He's crying, a choked up sobs causing his body to shake before he stumbles into the wall behind him and you're trying to hold him, as he slides down the wall defeatedly, with you going with him.

You're not waiting for anything, your body moving automatically as you hug him closer to yourself, his face pressed against your chest as he finally allows himself to cry even more. 

All you can do is to be there for him so you hold him, not uttering a single word because you know nothing you could say would help. You hold him tightly, letting him know you're there for him even though you're not sure if he truly pays attention to you. Hoseok was right, he needs you.

What the hell happened here? Did he and Kiko fight to the point it went this wrong? None of this makes any sense, so you wonder... Did he fight out who she cheated with? Did he figure out who it was? And Hoseok knowing all about this – is he the one who she cheated with? Your thoughts are running wild, frequently distracted by Jungkook who has seemed to calm down in your hold as he has stopped resisting.

However, the constant crying never ends, not even when the loud sobs aren't just as loud anymore. The whole kitchen looks like a mess, glass shattered everywhere caused by Jungkook's anger or whatever that was and you kick a few shards away from the two of you, so you wouldn't cut on it accidentally. It's like a bomb has exploded here and it makes you even more concerned.

"You're okay..." you murmur, your voice shaky as your own cheeks are wet from the tears. Pecking the top of his head you hear him sob again as this time, he holds your arms and squeezes it tightly. 

He's far from okay actually, anyone could tell that. 

Just when it seems as if he calmed down, occasional sniffles coming out of him while his body seems to not be shaking as much, you don't expect him to say anything. You've been sitting there for quite some time, you holding him while he cries it out whatever that has happened between him and Kiko. 

"She... she was pregnant," You barely understand what he's saying, but somehow you catch onto it and your breath hitches. "She never cheated," he speaks out, voice completely broken and raspy from all the crying. He doesn't even sound like Jungkook and that scares you. You're seriously worried about him but you don't dare to move to look at his face.

You're glad he's able to talk, that he's talking to you.

And you don't ask, no matter how much your heart drops at his words, no matter how shocked you're. You let him tell you at his own pace, even though your mind is going crazy. Kiko and pregnant? Was pregnant? The worst scenarios are about to come up in your head but you shake them off, heart painfully crying for Jungkook instead. 

"She got rid of our baby." And that's when he loses it all over again, crying out loud as he says that extremely painful truth that makes you gasp, your own sobs leaving your mouth when Jungkook breaks all over again.

And you're breaking with him, not being able to imagine what kind of pain he's going through. You're completely clueless of what to do and how to ease his pain, knowing it's not possible at the moment and if ever. 

So, just like you've been doing ever since you rushed to his place, you hold him even tighter, your lips giving a peck on the top of his head. Even the mess of scattered glass on the floor doesn't compare to the damage Jungkook's heart is experiencing.

[melluvsuu]

“ 𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐋 . ”

CHAPTER 01 ──── GOOD ASSISTANT ! ‹3

characters : gojo, makima, megumi, nobara, yuji

context : you start to meet this strange lady, odd enough she takes interest in you, and this random white haired guy too. sooner or later you a 'jujutsu sorcerer' and meet sukunas vessel. twins!!

authors notes : this better blow up or im crying...

warnings : ooc, male!reader, male pronouns, reader referred as 'you', chapter takes place in ep 1 of jjk, plus extra non canon stuff, mistakes probably..

,, 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐔𝐓. 𝜚

UNKNOWN LOCATION

JANUARY 7 , 2009 04:32:18

You wake up to the cool sensation of grass beneath your fingers, soft and damp from the night air. It’s dark—so dark that you can barely make out your surroundings. A thick, inky blackness stretches out in every direction, swallowing the horizon. The sky above has doors—different shapes, sizes, and colours, each standing upright without walls or frames to support them. Some are tall and imposing, carved from dark wood with intricate patterns.

“[Name]-kun.”

You blinked, trying to process the voice. “Who is this?”

A figure stepped into view, you can’t make out the details. It’s human, or atleast looks human. Feminine body, and glowing spiral yellow eyes, “My name is Makima. I assume you're [Name]? Correct.”

You narrowed your eyes, “Yes… Where are we.?”

“My ‘domain’. Hell. There’s really nothing here but us, don’t worry about that white albino paintbrush listening in. Let’s chat!”

She sits down near your head as your body automatically seem to get closer to her lap. She rests her hands on your hair, gently stroking it.

“Let’s make a contract–binding vow, shall we? We’ll discuss this topic at a different time, but for now we can just get to know one another.”

You considered her words, the weight of the offer sinking in.“Alright.”

TOKYO METROPOLITAN CURSE TECHNICAL COLLEGE

JUNE 14, 2015 , 07:27:02

“Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey~!” The white-haired, blindfolded man exclaimed, turning toward you with a playful grin.

Who is this guy? You thought, feeling the tight ropes binding you and surrounded by a chaotic mix of talismans. As your vision slowly cleared, you studied him closely—he seemed oddly familiar. Why?

“Why am I here?” You managed to ask, still trying to regain your bearings.

The blindfolded man flashed an infuriating smirk, ” Great, just what I needed…” You thought, annoyed.

“For your execution, of course!”

“My execution?”

“Yup, yours! But…”

“But?” you echoed, your confusion deepening.

You watched as he stood up, crossing his arms with a confident air. “You won’t be executed if you agree to be my assistant, [Name]-chan.”

“What—who the hell are you?” You asked, tilting your head slightly to get a better look.

“It’s me, Gojo Satoru. If you accept my offer, you can live. What do you say, hm?”

You sat in silence as he leaned in closer, his breath warm against your ear. “I really need a strong assistant, [Name]-chan.”

“Ugh, fine! Just don’t touch my ear, you weirdo,” you replied, instinctively leaning away from him.

“Fantastic!” he exclaimed, his excitement palpable.

YOKOHAMA , SANKEIEN GARDEN

JUNE 5, 2018 21:48:29

BANG—!

You stepped down hard on the curse’s head, the sickening crunch echoing in the stillness of the night. Disgust twisted your features as you felt the remnants of the creature’s essence ooze beneath their boot.

“Gross.” You spat. You glanced up at the sky, now draped in deep shades of indigo and very few shades of orange.. It was a beautiful scene, the upcoming stars twinkling like distant memories. You could enjoy this scene…

“[Name]-chan, look here!” Gojou shouted.

Nevermind.

“Gojo-sa—”

“Call me Satoru, silly!” he interrupted.

With a resigned sigh, you replied, “Satoru-san, why did you let me exorcize such a weakling?” They removed their black coat, using it to wipe the blood splatter from their face, feeling both exhilarated and slightly exasperated.

“Well, I like seeing you like this!” he said with a smirk, his eyes glinting with mischief.

Noticing a streak of the curse’s blood on Gojou’s cheek, You pointed at it, a playful glint in their eye. “Something wrong, [Name]-chan?”

Gojou looked at the finger pointing at his cheek, and it suddenly clicked for him—you wanted a kiss! Of course, who wouldn’t want to kiss the great Satoru Gojo? He leaned down, dramatically pressing his lips against the spot, a teasing grin on his face. “Is that what you wanted?”

Annoyance flashed in your eyes as they rolled them. “No. There was some blood on your cheek.” You wiped the blood away, their voice steady. “And we have another ‘mission’, we found Sukuna's finger.”

“Well then, let’s get going! Ooh! I also want to stop by a famous mochi restaurant on our way!” Gojo exclaimed, grabbing your wrist and leading them away with an eager tug.

As you walked toward the train station, you felt a sudden presence behind you. A familiar weight settled as someone clung their arms around their neck.

“[Name]-kun,” Came the sultry voice, dripping with irritation. You recognized it instantly—Makima, she was not pleased. “Why did that man kiss you?” She rested her head against his shoulder.

“I… didn’t expect him to do it, so shut up...” You mumbled, swatting her away with a half-hearted gesture

JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

JUNE 5, 2018 22:02:01

“Under Jujusten Regulation, Itadori Yuji, I will exorcise you as a curse!” Megumi declared.

“Hold up, I’m fine!” Yuji replied, raising his hand in a gesture of reassurance. “Besides, both of us are kinda beaten up,” he added, glancing down at his body where the tattoos—symbols of his connection to Sukuna—began to slowly fade away, like shadows dissipating at dawn.

“We should go to the hospital,” Yuji suggested, his tone shifting to one of concern.

Megumi hesitated, his mind racing, ‘I can’t tell if it’s really him or if it’s the special grade object influencing him, he thought anxiously. Damn, what should I do?’

Just then, a white-haired figure appeared seemingly out of nowhere. “What’s the situation?” he asked nonchalantly, as if he hadn’t just materialised from thin air.

“Gojo-sensei? [Name]-sama? What are you both doing here?” Megumi stammered, momentarily caught off guard.

Gojo chuckled, a mischievous glint in his eyes, although hidden by the blindfold, you could sense it. “Well, I heard from a little birdie that Sukuna’s finger was in the area,” he explained, his tone teasing as he reached for his phone.

He was interrupted as you snatched the device from his hands. “Plus, the higher-ups wouldn’t stop nagging about a missing special-grade object!” Gojo continued, unperturbed. “And I dragged [Name] along while I was out sightseeing. By the way, did you manage to find it?”

“Uh… I ate it,” Yuji confessed sheepishly.

A stunned silence fell over the group. “For real?” You and Gojo echoed simultaneously, eyes wide in disbelief.

“For real,” Yuji and Megumi parroted back.

Gojou strode over to Yuji, bending down to examine him closely. “Hmm, you really did merge with it?” He chuckled as he straightened up, clearly amused by the situation. “Is there anything wrong with your body?”

“Nope,” Yuji replied.

“Can you swap out with Sukuna?” You interjected.

“Sukuna?” Yuji’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Yeah, the curse you ingested,” You clarified.

“Oh, right! I think I can do that!” Yuji said, giving a thumbs up.

“Alright, give him about ten seconds, then take control back,” You instructed, offering a half-hearted smile to lighten the mood.

“But—” Yuji started, but you cut him off.

“Don’t worry; I’m the strongest,” Gojou smirked, his trademark bravado eliciting groans from both you and Megumi.

“Megumi, hold this!” Gojou tossed a bag into his hands.

“What’s this?” Megumi asked, perplexed.

“Kokufuku from Kikusuian! It’s Sendai’s specialty, and it’s absolutely delicious! I highly recommend the Zunda and Cream flavour!” Gojo exclaimed, his excitement palpable.

As Gojo continued to yap on about his trip and the delicious treats, [Name] couldn’t resist the urge to snag a piece of his Kokufuku. It was every bit as good as he’d claimed, the flavours dancing on your tongue.

“Hey! [Name]-chan, don’t eat my food! That’s really rude!” Gojo whined, eyes wide in faux betrayal.

“Hey, behind you!” Megumi shouted, you pulled him back by his collar just as a special grade cursed spirit lunged at Gojo. You instinctively tensed, knowing all too well how this would end—Gojo would emerge victorious once again because, as he liked to remind everyone, he was ‘the strongest.’

“Look, that kid is still alive after being thrown into a building,” You said sarcastically, feeling the exhaustion seeping into your bones.

“Yeah, it’s about time,” Gojou replied, as if on cue.

As if in response to Gojo's words, Yuji’s tattoos faded once more, his body slumping as Megumi let out a sigh of relief. “Colour me impressed!” Gojou exclaimed, hovering above Yuji. “You can really control it!”

“Yeah, but he’s kind of annoying,” Yuji muttered, aggressively patting his own head, “I can hear his dumb voice in my head.”

“It’s a miracle that’s all he’s doing,” Gojou remarked casually, poking Yuji’s forehead with two fingers, which caused him to immediately pass out.

“What did you do?” Megumi asked, his tone a mix of exasperation and curiosity.

“He knocked him out, Megumi-kun,” You replied, leaning back against the nearby railing, fatigue washing over you. “Can I go home, please? I’m tired.”

“Not just yet, [Name]-chan. If he isn’t possessed by Sukuna when he wakes up, he might have potential as a vessel,” Gojou said, the seriousness of his tone cutting through the lighthearted banter.

“I have a question for you! What should we do with him?” Gojou turned to Megumi, his expression contemplative.

After a moment of thought, Megumi replied, “If he is a vessel, Jujutsu regulations demand that Itadori be executed. However, I don’t want him to die.”

“Is that a personal opinion?” Gojou raised an eyebrow, his smirk fading slightly.

“Yes. It’s a personal opinion. Please do something about it,” Megumi insisted, the weight of his words hanging in the air.

“Well, if it’s a request from a precious student, leave it to me! Now, someone carry Yuji. It seems my beloved future husband has fallen asleep!” Gojou declared with exaggerated enthusiasm.

Megumi turned to you, noticing that you had indeed succumbed to fatigue and drifted off, your head lolling to the side. You must have been really tired—or just really lazy.

“—Wait. Future husband? [Name]-san doesn’t even like you,” he deadpanned, disbelief etched across his face.

“Nuh-uh! He does! He let me kiss him before we came here,” Gojou retorted proudly, a goofy grin plastered across his face. Megumi’s frustration bubbled beneath the surface, and he couldn’t help but feel a strong urge to punch Gojou right then and there.

additional notes : if it has mistakes idc,, uhm yeah woohoo

word count : 1.7k

dont steal or repost my stuff that makes me go crazy!

[twohearts-hs]

Always & Forever Eighteen - Marshall Mathers x Reader Series

Words: 4.6k

Pairings: Marshall Mathers x Fem!Reader Series

Synopsis: They loved each other with every fibre and being. They knew that they were meant to be together, but it seemed like every obstacle came in the way. She was twenty-one, he was forty and they knew that it would be hard. Therefore, they promised forever and always as they were meant to be together despite every turmoil that came their way.

Warnings: Swearing, Alcohol, & Angst.

|| Masterlist for Series ||

Hope you enjoy :)

March 2018

Y/N was incredibly successful. In the five years she had become incredibly successful. From graduating with her master’s degree, to having her art headline shows and then securing a job as an art curator. Life was amazing! Life was terrific! Life was working exactly the way she wanted.

Remaining true to their word, Marshall ad Y/N had not talked over the past few years. She had sent an email a few times as a thank you for the birthday wishes, but that was it. There was no catch-up, or small talk.  They simply moved on. Y/N kept tabs on her ex-boyfriend, seeing he was releasing music. The Marshall Mathers LP2 dropped not long after they ended, and then Revival came which was also a very good album despite the uproar. She followed him on Instagram and saw him pop up once and a while which was fine for her.

Additionally, Marshall sent a birthday present every year. She got the Cartier bracelet on her graduation and since then he sent another one on her birthday each year. Each one has a different style. She had four now and she knew she would get a fifth soon.

New York City was her home. However, she had not dated any man since Marshall. She could not bring herself too. Instead, she began seeing a woman. She had a long-term partner, Aemma who was a journalist, but she moved to London in January. She loved Aemma a lot, but not in the way she loved Marshall.

Marshall on the other hand… was just living his life the best he could.

-

It was the beginning of March when Y/N came home. The city that never slept was no quieter tonight, but inside Y/N’s apartment, a rare silence settled as she stood alone, clutching the velvet-lined box that arrived today.

Her birthday was tomorrow. Twenty-six years old and she still had no idea what she was doing.

However, when she opened the box exposing the Cartier bangle. This one was a diamond tennis bracelet in the metal she most desired. It gleamed under the dim light of her living room. Now five…five years without him. A silence testament to the love that lingered despite the distance and time. Her fingers traced the bracelet…he spent a fortune.

Her phone buzzed on the table, pulling her from her reverie. It was a message from Aemma checking on her who is now thousands of kilometres away in London. Y/N glanced down at the message but did not open it. Instead, she found herself putting the bracelet on and pulling out the little note.

Doll,

Happy 26th.

Always and forever.

-M

She smiled at the note. Always and forever just like the first one that was engraved with their saying. The memory of Marshall’s last words to her played on a loop in her mind. He said it with such conviction that she had almost believed, but life had taken them down different paths. Paths that never seemed to converge, no matter how much she wished they would.

As she stood there, lost in thought over the grieving of her favourite relationship, the distant sounds of the city began to fade. She was transported back to when they first met.

Their love had been passionate, intense and ultimately, too powerful to sustain. They burned too bright, too fast, leaving nothing but ashes in their wake. Yet, despite the pain, the heartbreak, and the years apart, Y/N could not deny the part of her still yearned for the fire they once shared.

The bracelets…five of them were a reminder of the past, but also a beacon of hope for the future. She knew she had to move forward, but she could not help but wonder if there was still a chance for them. Could their paths cross again? Could they find a way back to each other?

-

Y/N was back in Detroit. For the first time in five years, she was back in Detroit. It was Meira’s wedding. She saw her best friend two weeks ago in Vegas for the bachelorette but her being a Detroiter for life, she had her wedding in the city.

Her new husband was also in science. Meira became a researcher in stem cells and her husband is a neurological doctor. She was happy which made Y/N happy.

Y/N adjusted the strap of her hunter-green bridesmaid dress. It had straps and a deep-v, making her breasts pop as she glanced around the bustling wedding venue. She was twenty-six now. Her life was coming together, but she did not know a single person at this wedding due to being away for five years. She had no idea who the rest of the bridesmaids were despite meeting them two weeks ago in Vegas.

Meira stood radiant in her wedding gown, surrounded by laughter and joy and her new husband. It was a beautiful day. The wedding was at her family farm outside of Detroit by the lake.

As she mingled through the crowd, she had a glass of white wine in her hand as she talked to people and shared stories. It was nearing the end of the night when she spotted a girl she had not seen in forever. Dark brunette hair, tall and curvy but tiny at the same time. She turned around and Y/N instantly recognised her.

Hailie Jade.

“No way,” she mumbled walking up to her. She was talking to another woman, but their eyes met.

“Y/N!” she exclaimed taking a step forward.

“Hi,” Y/N replied accepting her hug and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Wow, look at you all grown up. You have to be what… twenty-two now?” she asked.

“Sure am. Look at you, all grown up now too. What have you been up to?” she exclaimed.

“Ah, just the art world. Is Alaina here too?”

“Yes, and dad,” she said. “Do you want me to find him?” she asked, looking over the crowd.

“Oh,” Y/N said unsure of what to say. “It’s ok. I will probably run into him at some point.”

“You won’t recognise him. He has dark hair now and a beard. Looking like he is forty-five nearing forty-six.”

Y/N chuckled. “He always ages like fine wine.; I have seen pictures on Instagram. He looks good.”

“How about you tell him yourself as he is heading over here,” Hailie said. Y/N turned around and spotted the man she left behind.

He was dressed in a suit, his hair short and buzzed dark with a beard. His eyes still shined bright, and their eyes meant. He was holding two glasses and when he spotted Y/N, he stopped for a moment, licking his lips and eyes looking at her with disbelief. He did not age at all.

“Go say hi,” Hailie said.

Y/N was unsure what to do. However, as they stared at one another, Marshall got the confidence to walk towards her. The air was thick with unspoken words and memories. Y/N felt a rush of emotions – nostalgia, longing and a hint of sadness mixed with the undeniable thrill of seeing him again after so long.

“Y/N,” he said softly, voice carrying a mixture of surprise and something deeper.

“Marshall,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. She glanced down at her hands, nervously twisting the bracelets on her wrists – gifts from him over the years, a silent reminder of their shared past.

Marshall glanced down to see the series of bangles and he smiled. She wore them…she always wore them. “I didn’t expect to see you here, but now I do because you’re Meira’s best friend from college,” he admitted, his gaze searching hers for any sign of how she felt.

Y/N managed a small smile. “Me neither, but Meira wanted me here and so, I am here.”

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, the noise of the wedding festivities swirling around them. Y/N felt the weight of their history pressing down on her, unsure what to say next.

“I’m glad you came. It’s nice to see you,” Marshall finally said, breaking the silence. “You look amazing. That colour brings out your eyes.”

“Thank you,” Y/N replied, feeling a rush of warmth at his compliment. “I like your new look. Dark hair and the beard suit you.”

They exchange a tentative smile, the years apart suddenly feeling insignificant in the face of their shared moment. Y/N wanted to ask him a thousand questions – about his music, his life, everything they had missed out on sharing – but she held back, unsure if he wanted to go there.

“I should-“

“Can I give you a hug and we can have a conversation?” he interrupted. Y/N nodded. Marshall put his drink down and Y/N did too. They slowly walked up to each other, and she looked over his shoulder seeing Hailie with a smile. Marshall wrapped his arms around her, holding her close as she pressed her head into his neck. They held one another for a moment and then she felt it, the kiss on top of her head. “You’re still so beautiful,” he whispered. “I missed you.”

Y/N pulled away and there were slight tears in her eyes, but she brushed them away.

“I missed you too,” she admitted.

“Are you here with someone?” he asked. “A date?”

She shook her head. “I am alone. I am going to get a drink. Do you want to come?” she said pointing to the bar and he nodded.

“Sure.”

Y/N walked over to the bar with Marshall behind her.

“Can I get a whiskey on ice?” she said to the bartender who began making her drink.

“When did you start drinking whiskey?” he chuckled.

“When your ex-girlfriend was a whiskey person,” she stated with a chuckle. “And also, when you do a lot of events with rich men.”

He slowly nodded but his brows furrowed. “Girlfriend?” he questioned.

“Ex-girlfriend. We broke up in January,” Y/N said with a tinge of sadness, “three years gone.”

Marshall nodded. “A woman?” he said in disbelief.

Y/N thanked the bartender for her drink and turned to look at him. “Surprised me too, but she is amazing. However, I understood when she had to follow her career.”

Marshall slowly nodded, ordering a Red Bull before turning to her. “Speaking of career, how is yours?”

“Good. I finished my master’s and now I am an art curator and I do art myself which are in galleries. I also teach at the university.”     

His smile was wide. “Good girl. I knew you would make a name for yourself,” he said.

Her heart fluttered lightly from those words. Good girl…she melted. Y/N took a sip of her drink and swallowed before biting her lip. “How is the music? The Marshall Mathers LP2 was so good. I was so amazed and then I listened to Revival and that was terrific. I really like how you wrote about the race problems and explored your relationship with Kim,” she rambled.

He nodded. “Thanks. The public wasn’t a fan, but I am glad you are. However, music is good. I am actually writing a new album right now.”

“Wow,” she exclaimed. “That’s amazing.”

Marshall nodded. “Um, how long are you in Detroit?”

“Three days.”

“Well,” he took a step forward so he was closer to her, “would like to catch up with you in these three days.”

“I would really like that,” Y/N said taking another step. “Wanna sit by the water and talk?”

“Yeah, please,” he said.

-

Hailie watched from the corner with Meira seeing them sit on the grass by the water, they were close, shoulders touching as they talked. They laughed and giggled, and Marshall began to play with hair lightly.

“I hope they get back together,” Hailie said looking over at Meira who is smiling.

“They will,” Meira said, “they have to, or else love is not real.”

Evan, Hailie’s boyfriend of two years came up next to his girlfriend handing her another glass of wine. “Who is talking to your dad?”

Hailie looked up at her boyfriend smiling. “The love of his life,” she said with a grin. “This is the first time they have seen each other in five years since they broke up.”

“The Cartier bracelet girl? The muse?” he questioned.

“His doll,” Hailie said. “God, please tell me they go home with each other tonight. My dad needs to get laid,” she chuckled walking away. “Let’s leave them be.”

-

Y/N’s head hit his shoulder as he shared a story, laughter coming from her as he took her hand. “This is good,” he said. “I needed this,” he admitted squeezing her hand.

Y/N looked up to him and saw him looking at her with such love still. “Thank you for the bracelets. They are beautiful,” she whispered. “You make my birthday every year wonderful.”

He smiled, tucking her hair into her ear. “It’s your birthday. Miss, I am twenty-six now,” he whispered. “So old.”

“I know,” she stated. “I am so close to thirty. My mom has been nagging me about when I will pop babies out.”

“What?” he exclaimed. “I mean I had my daughter at twenty-three so twenty-six…you’re a little late.”

Y/N chuckled. “Well, I don’t have a baby daddy so it’s not happening. Plus, I am still too young. I want to have my own gallery one day and Geneva is getting old and she said she might pass it to me.”

“The lady who bought your paintings?” he asked. “How old is she now?”

“She isn’t that old. Late sixties. Her kids have no respect for art. Therefore, she might give to me but honestly, I don’t know how much longer I will stay in NYC. The traffic is terrible, the people are mean, the economy is expensive, and I feel like if I were to drop dead in Manhattan I would get walked over.”

Marshall listened. “Where would you go?”

She shrugged. “Vancouver or maybe I will go to London for Aemma as I do miss her and us,” Y/N admitted. “Or even Detroit. I loved it here.”

His heart skipped slightly. “Come back to Detroit,” he said. “Come back.”

She sighed. “I know, but the art industry is not like it is in New York, Vancouver or London.”

Right, she had a point. However, he wanted to say…come back to me.

“What was your relationship with Aemma like?” he asked the dreaded question.

“It was beautiful. I loved her a lot. I still do actually. However, Marshall I have had four glasses of wine and a whiskey, and I feel like I can be honest. I never loved her the way I loved you. Nor could I bring myself to date another man,” she admitted.

Marshall took her confession to heart. However, she said, ‘loved’…past tense.

“Loved?” he whispered.

It was getting dark and the music behind them was still playing as people danced around. However, Marshall and Y/N were in their own little world at that moment. Hands holding one another as they looked at each with so much nostalgia.

“We were so toxic, Marshall. Have you ever thought that?” she stated. “We fought all the time. You didn’t trust me. You were insecure-“

“Y/N, you had trauma, and I did too. The only successes we had were toxic relationships so that is all we know. However, you hurt me too. You left me,” he said. “You left me, and I needed you.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to leave. I was so happy with you, but I had to pick my career over my own happiness too.”

“I was so angry when you left,” he said. “I was not ok with us ending. I wrote some pretty nasty songs about you. I never released them. I would never hurt you. However, I was hurt.”

Y/N sighed. “I made art of you. I sold it for a lot of money as I couldn’t look at it without being upset. I joined a poetry club where I slammed poetry our relationship,” she admitted.

“Then we are even,” he stated. “Art is our release.”

Y/N smiled. “You look really good, Marshall,” she said.

“I like what you did with your hair,” he whispered, flicking it.

“Wanna hear a dirty secret?” she whispered.

“Do tell.”

“I got a tattoo,” she whispered.

He chuckled. “So naughty. Where?”

“You have flirt with a little more, Mr. Mathers to see it,” she cooed before smirking.

“Oh,” he said astonished. “Well, Miss. Y/L/N, I could invite you home, but you’re more elegant than that.”

“That I am,” she said, getting up. “I should go say goodbye to the bride. I need to go home. I have had enough to drink, plus, maybe a special man might ask me for breakfast tomorrow…” she hinted.

He chuckled. “My house. 9 a.m.?”

“I will be there.”

“Need a ride?”

“Fun fact, I can drive now. I have a rental car. A little Volkswagen.” Marshall nodded, getting up but Y/N put her hand out to help him. “Old man,” she whispered.

“Take that back,” he barked jokingly. “I am not that old.”

Y/N grinned and hit her hip with his before walking back into the tent where everyone was. Hailie spotted her and her dad, walking over with Evan.

“So, is Y/N going home with you, Dad?” she asked with excitement. They chuckled.

“No, Hailie. I am not that girl anymore.”

Her fell. “You’re not single?” she said with clear sadness.

Y/N looked over to Marshall and then back to his daughter. “I am not going to sleep with your dad tonight. We had a good catch up, but my hotel calls me. Plus, I have had four glasses of wine and a whiskey so I can’t give consent,” she said. “Now, who is this man? Hello, handsome.”

Hailie grinned, holding Evan’s hand and looking up to his towering form. “This is Evan, my boyfriend.”

“Hi Evan, I am Y/N,” she introduced hand out to shake his hand. “Welcome to the Mathers family.”

“They have been very welcoming. Shame you left.”

Y/N nodded and shrugged. “Life happens,” she said with a small frown. “However, I miss the Mathers family,” she stated. “They were my family.”

“Y/N, we are still your family,” Hailie said giving her a hug. “You look so good. You look just stunning. I love your hair.”

Y/N smiled. “Thank you, Hay.” She pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I should go. I have an early breakfast so I should go sleep plus if I stay here, Meira and I will probably start doing tequila shooters which will make my panties drop,” Y/N whispered the last part. “And she has a husband to get to and I…”

“You have my dad.”

Y/N chuckled. “Goodnight,” she stated hugging her and seeing Alaina in the crowd and waving at her which made her face show shock across her face before walking over.

“Oh my God,” she exclaimed, hugging her.

“I am leaving but I will be in town. Text me. My number is the same.”

“Do you want me to drive you to your hotel?” Marshall asked. “Obviously, you didn’t drive here as you drank.”

Y/N pondered for a second. “Sure. I am just at the Hilton.”

They bid their farewell to the girls and Y/N gave her love to Meira and congratulated her before seeing the Lamborghini Aventador parked at the venue. That was a new one. Marshall opened the door for her, and she got in. Once in, he looked over to her and she smiled.

“You’re here,” he whispered.

“I am.”

“When’s your next art show?” he asked as backed the car up.

“Three weeks from now. I am doing a show on feminism and the queer community.”

“Where is it? NYC?”

“Yes, at Geneva’s art gallery.”

“I want to come,” he said.

“You want to see paintings of lesbians?” she chuckled.

“I mean, the idea of you making out with a woman does do things to me,” he chuckled.

“Ew,” Y/N commented. “Don’t be one of those guys.” She hit her arm but he gripped it, bringing her hand to his lips. “Kidding.”

“Good.”

“You haven’t told me about yourself…” she said softly.

“About what?”

“Dating?”

He shook his head with a disgusted face. “I don’t date, Y/N. You were the exception. I don’t trust people.”

All Y/N did was nod. It pained her slightly that he did not move on as she did, but he was Marshall and she knew his opinions on women. She was the exception, she was the moment he allowed himself to be vulnerable. Y/N looked out of the window as he drove. This had to be a newer car as she had never seen it.

“New car?” she tried to make conversation.

“Bought it when you left. Needed retail therapy,” he said so casually.

“So, you bought a has to be…two hundred thousand dollar car?” she mocked.

“I was hurt,” he stated, “and this made me feel better slightly.”

Y/N nodded and they arrived at the hotel, Detroit's city lights casting a warm glow over the quiet streets. They walked in comfortable silence, occasionally brushing against each other as they navigated their way. The air was cool, and Y/N felt a mix of anticipation and anxiety bubbling inside her.

Marshall walked Y/N into the hotel and stood there, ready to say his goodbye but Y/N said, “Come up for a moment. I feel like we haven’t talked a lot.”

He nodded and agreed. The elevator ride was filled with tension that neither of them addressed but felt deeply. Once inside her room, Y/N kicked off her heels and offered Marshall a sparkling water.

“Sure,” he said as he sat down on one of the couches. Y/N handed him the drink before walking in front of him.

“Can you unzip me?” she asked. “I am going to change into something more comfortable.”

Y/N stood between his legs, back turned to him as he stood up, towering over her. His fingers graze her shoulder lightly before finding the zip. He pulled it down exposing her bra and back. Y/N thanked him and walked to the bathroom, grabbing a pair of clothes on the way.

She came back in a tank top and shorts, sitting down next to him with sparkling water in front of her. They stared at one another for a moment, not sure what to say.

“I am really happy that Meira found the love of her life. A doctor too…” she gushed. “She deserved it.”

“What about you?” he asked. “Marriage?”

Y/N shrugged. “Depends on who I decide to spend the rest of my life with.”

“Meaning?”

“Marshall, you would never have married me,” she said honestly. “You were clear with that, but I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. However, if I meet someone male or female and they want to marry me and I wanted that too, then sure.”

He was silent until he cleared his throat. “I am still ready to spend the rest of my life with you,” he admitted. “You’re the one for me.”

Y/N’s heart fluttered lightly upon hearing those words. Her heart filled with such love. “We are different people now, Marshall.”

“Then we do it all over again. Get to know one another,” he said.

“I am in New York,” she excused.

“Then come back to Detroit. You have said that you hate New York. What stops you? Aemma?”

“Aemma?” Y/N said. “Aemma was the first relationship I had that was not toxic, Marshall. She taught me a lot about me. I grew up with her and we barely fought. Marshall we fought-“

“I’ll be different. We will be different. You are older, more mature with a career now established.”

Y/N nodded. “You want us to go at it again?” she whispered unsure of what he was asking.

Marshall looked at her, taking her hand and squeezing it before bringing it to his lips. “I would always say yes to having you again.”

“Marshall,” she whispered, “we would never be able to do long distance. We get too much in our heads and we don’t have that type of trust with each other.”

“Come back to Detroit then.”

“There’s nothing in Detroit for me-“

“Your family. Me and the girls. Meira too. You have people here.”

“But my work-“

“There are galleries here-“

“I own my apartment. I would have to sell.”

“Think about it,” he said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked down to their hands and seeing the bangles that he spent a fortune on for her. He loved her and he still does and there was a piece of her that still deeply loved the man across from her.

They started talking about everything and nothing – catching up on the years they missed, laughing at shared memories, and revealing their hopes and fears for the future. As the hours passed, the conversation grew deeper and more intimate. Marshall spoke about the struggles he faced in his career, the pressure of staying relevant in the music industry and the loneliness that often accompanied his success.

Y/N shared her own challenges, the loneliness she felt in a city full of people, the pressures of the art world, and the void left by Aemma’s departure. She talked about her dreams, her aspirations, and the projects she was passionate about. Marshall listened intently, his gaze never leaving her face.  

At some point, they both grew quiet, the silence filled with unspoken words. Y/N’s head was against his shoulder as he held her. It was comfort and warmth and both parties were elated to be touching the other.

Y/N’s eyes began to flutter, drooping down due to the exhaustion of the day catching up with her. Marshall noticed and kissed her forehead.

“Get some sleep, doll,” he said softly, taking the water from her and placing it to the side. “You’ve had a long day.” Marshall moved, getting up and putting his hand out to help her up. “Want me to carry you?” he mused.

“Stay,” she whispered. “Stay the night.”

“We’re not having sex,” he said, “you’ve had a few drinks-“

“Just sleep with me. Next to me in bed. Naked though,” she joked. “You’re in a suit so you have to bed naked.” She was smirking at him.

“Boxers and it’s a deal,” he bantered. Y/N grinned and was about to say something but he interrupted. “And I want you in that tiny tank top, braless with panties. Then we have a deal.”

She nodded. “Deal.”

Y/N got up, pulling her shorts down to reveal her panties before she went to the bathroom to brush her hair, wipe her makeup off and brush her teeth. Marshall shed his suit, placing it on the chair as he waited for her on the bed. Y/N emerged with hair in a braid, and she walked to bed. She pulled covers back and got in, patting the spot next to her.

Marshall got into bed before pulling her tight to him. Her head hit his chest as her hand traced his stomach tattoo. She knew the story of it. She knew the story of all his tattoos.

“Where is your secret tattoo?” he whispered.

“On my hip,” she whispered, “it says ‘she is art’.”

“Roll over,” he said, and she did and he leaned down, pulling the hem of her underwear to the side to see it. “Cute,” he whispered, leaning down and kissing it. Y/N cupped his cheek before pulling him up. He leaned over her, their noses touching before she pressed a kiss to his lips.

He smiled against them.

“Goodnight, M,” she whispered before placing her head on his chest.

“Night, doll.”

-

Sorry for the long time not posting. Summer has been hectic.

Hope you enjoyed! Let me know thoughts.

Much love, Ava <3

[moonchild701]

⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

Wish List

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Summary: Dabi makes a Christmas wish

Pairing: Dabi/Reader (it's mostly just kinda Implied tbh)

Content Warning: Angst, SFW

Word Count: 800

Disclaimer: Character belongs to Kohei Horikoshi

A/N: This is the 1st of 12 fics for a 12 Days of Christmas event. Enjoy and Happy Holidays!

Prompt: Wish List

My Masterlist

⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

The crunch of ice and snow beneath bootfalls echoes within the alleyway.

Dabi's hands are stuffed into his pockets as he makes his way down the path, to the fire escape of the side of a building. The sound of creaking metal fills the still quiet of the chilly night air as he climbs it.

Settling on the roof, he stares out at the distant buildings. Normally this would be dangerous, with all the heroes patrolling, but the air is far too crisp for the average person this high up, so it's safe enough. His quirk keeps him warm, and the height keeps him out of sight.

He'd needed to get away from the others for a while. Toga's constant spiel about the holidays and how they should celebrate was getting insufferable.

When he was younger, when he was Touya, he can hardly remember the holidays being the happy and joyous time people would consider it being.

Christmas somehow felt colder than it should be. Not because of the falling snow or the chilly air, but because of the stifling atmosphere within their house.

You'd think that living under the roof of  man with a fire quirk, it'd be warm and cozy. But then you'd of course remember that it's Endeavor, so, of course.

Though, it wasn't really always like that.

At first, it was normal enough, he thinks. His mother and father would shower their first born in gifts and joy and love.

Their first born they were so happy to have, so proud of, that they'd beam when he babbled at them.

And when his quirk came in, all the more joy, playing with his two younger siblings, taking care of them. He's going to be a hero after all! Heroes take care of people!

Of course that didn't last very long, as they learned that his quirk hurts him; his body not suited to it. And in his father's eyes, a failure. A waste.

And so they had another child, one last attempt at correcting the smear on the oh so great Todoroki name.

When Shouto was born, on that cold January day, the chill of his existence seeped into their very bones. Into the walls of their home, the floors beneath their feet, the ceiling over their heads, pressing in from all sides.

As Dabi, the joy he vaguely remembers are mere fragments, they're so distant in the past.

So when Toga said she wanted to celebrate, his scars itched.

Itched like they were freshly healing, like they were raw.

He doesn't know how to celebrate anymore, doesn't know if he ever really knew.

He doesn't know if he'd be able to pretend to enjoy himself, or how he'd react if he actually does enjoy it.

Because his true wish is to be able to do that freely. But alas, his bastard of a father still breathes, and when he does take his final breath, most likely so would he. So it doesn't seem to be in his realm of possibilities.

Though, he supposes, that's really all a wishlist is for.

Wishing and hoping and dreaming for

things you want, but you know deep down isn't really possible.

Looking at a particular building, an apartment complex, he sees a little family eating dinner through open curtains.

A father, a mother, a young girl and two boys, one older than the other two.

It's what he would've had in an ideal world.

It's what he used to wish for on particularly cold nights, curled up beneath his futon, bandages around the wounds littering his tiny body and the cold indifference in his father's eyes seared into his heart.

The father in the window ruffles his eldest son with a smile just as the first few specks of snowflakes begin to fall, and Dabi thinks maybe having a little wish might not be so bad.

It's not going to come true, he knows, but he still wishes.

On a whim, he reaches out to catch a snowflake like he's seen others do.

And he makes another wish. He wishes that at least the future will be better.

That as much as Toga is a little brat, as much as Twice can be annoying, as much as Shigaraki is an ass, as much as Compress is a showy snob, as much as Spinner is a Stain kiss ass, and as much as Kurogiri has a stick up his ass......he gets to keep them.

As much as he loves and doesn't deserve you, he gets to keep you anyway.

He wishes that he can keep his new family this time, wishes that they'll keep him too. Wishes that at the end of all of this, maybe he can actually be happy.

Who knows? Maybe it'll be a Christmas miracle.

*****

The snowflakes melt before they can touch his skin.

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[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Do you have any idea what happened at the National Theatre with Meghan? The rumour I heard was that she turned up unannounced and used it as an excuse to not meet the Queen. That she was told to leave the venue and that it was the Queen who instructed it to happen. I recall seeing a photo of her leaving the venue but it didn't look like an official engagement - compared to how things are when any other royals leave an official engagement. It's possible she went to the NT just to get PR to put out on Catherine's birthday, the announcement of her patronage was announced the day after Catherine's birthday in 2019. Is it thought this was the beginning off the end for Meghan as a working royal?

There are actual two National Theatre engagements that have fueled the rumor mill. One, no one knows what happened. The other, we have a good idea of what happened.

The first engagement is the January 8th, 2020, appearance, which took place the same day as Dan Wootton's Megxit story broke. This is the one that we don't know anything about. Meghan had a private engagement and was only photographed leaving. She also was not wearing her rings (which did get called out by the blogs and gossip forums). Allegedly Meghan's appearance at the theatre lasted around or less than 10 minutes.

The second engagement was March 5-6, 2020. On March 5th as part of her Megxit revenge tour, Meghan made a private visit to the National Theatre. There wsa no coverage. On March 6th, Camilla "reserved" the day in terms of press coverage because she was giving a speech on domestic violence and the rest of the BRF agreed to give her the media cycle (meaning they would keep low profiles on that day). Meghan broke the deal/embargo by posting her own coverage and footage of the previous day's visit, which ended up stealing the headlines from Camilla's speech. (You can read about at this unarchived link.) Allegedly this was the final straw for Charles and Camilla. (I'm not sure I believe that. It's certainly plausible, though.)

Rumors about the January engagement:

The Queen requested an audience with Meghan. She ignored it and went to her scheduled engagement at the National Theatre. In the middle of that engagement, the RPOs were called about their whereabouts and when they realized she was supposed to be at BP instead, they pulled her out of the National Theatre and took her to the palace.

Meghan didn't actually have a scheduled engagement in January, she just randomly showed up making demands to meet with theatre leadership, who were unavailable, and she stormed out.

The Queen knew Meghan had the engagement at the National Theatre, had her staff cancel it but Meghan still went to the National Theatre on her own. The RPOs had to chase after her and pulled her out. (Justification is that RPOs usually keep a very low and distant profile when the royal is making an appearance. Meghan's RPO was very close next to her as they were leaving, which is not their normal procedure.)

It was a set-up because Meghan refused to engage with palace aides. They waited for her at the theatre and when she arrived, they escorted her to the palace, where Harry had also been taken, to discuss their half in/half out demands in person.

The Queen requested Meghan cancel her appearance to have an audience. Meghan blew Her Majesty off. When The Queen realized she'd been blown off, that was the last straw. She had the RPOs pull Meghan out of her meeting and send her home - literally, the RPOs took Meghan from the theatre to the airport and physically put her on a private plane to go back Canada.

The BRF/Queen had been presented with incontrovertible proof of Archie-by-surrogate, they ordered Meghan back to the palace, and RPOs pulled her out mid-engagement.

Meghan's March 2020 appearance and posting of her own photos/coverage to take attention from Camilla was revenge for the BRF disrupting her January 2020 visit.

[mariacallous]

In mid-January, Phil Gordon visited Guatemala to hand deliver a letter from Kamala Harris to a man who very likely owed his presidency to U.S. diplomatic intervention.

Bernardo Arévalo de León had just been inaugurated as Guatemala’s new leader, despite efforts by the country’s outgoing government over months to derail a democratic transition of power. Gordon, the U.S. vice president’s national security advisor, was in Guatemala to attend Arévalo’s inauguration with a delegation of other high-level Biden administration officials.

The letter congratulated him on his victory and invited him to Washington for a meeting with Harris, according to a copy reviewed by Foreign Policy. But its real significance was spelled out between the lines. A senior administration official involved in the discussions said the letter was a “signal that the U.S. gives full-throated support to Arévalo and Guatemala’s democratic transition of power.”

The inauguration itself took place after midnight on Jan. 15, following a dramatic final effort by members of Guatemala’s outgoing government to halt the proceedings. Gordon and other members of the U.S. delegation were instrumental in ensuring the transition of power took place, having imposed sanctions and visa restrictions, and back channeled with other embassies to pressure Guatemalan President Alejandro Giammattei to accept the election results and step aside.

The democratic transition in Guatemala represents one of the clearest victories of U.S. President Joe Biden’s agenda to promote democracy worldwide, as well as a rare example of Vice President Kamala Harris’s national security team playing a distinct and direct role in shepherding it through, according to interviews with multiple administration insiders and Central America experts. The episode provides possible insights into how Harris’s foreign-policy team would work should she win the presidential election in November.

While it went relatively unnoticed in Washington, where people are largely focused on wars in Ukraine and the Middle East, the U.S. maneuver to bolster democracy in Guatemala was a policy win—in stark contrast to some of the administration’s endeavors in other parts of the world. The Biden administration has faced criticism for embracing autocrats in ways that undermined his stated goals of promoting global democracy. Across West Africa, the United States has failed to stem an “epidemic” of coups that dealt a heavy blow to U.S. interests. In Afghanistan, which the United States withdrew from chaotically three years ago, democracy is more distant than ever.

“Probably the most key player for securing this transition for Arévalo was the international community and specifically the United States,” said Marielos Chang, a Guatemalan political consultant and professor at the Universidad del Valle in Guatemala.

When Biden announced his withdrawal from the presidential race last month and endorsed Harris, one of the many questions posed about the vice president was: What role had she played on foreign-policy issues? Many current and former U.S. national security officials say it is hard to discern where Harris and her small national security team have made a mark—but Guatemala stands as an exception.

Harris became the administration’s point person on Central America’s Northern Triangle region to tackle the root causes of migration, an assignment that later became a point of controversy on the campaign trail—and a source of criticism from Republicans. Migration encounters at the U.S. southern border hit a record high at the end of 2023, and border security and migration remains a major issue for both parties on the campaign trail, particularly for Republicans.

“President Biden gave Vice President Harris one job—‘border czar’—and she failed miserably,” Texas Republican Rep. Michael McCaul, the chairman of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, said last month, echoing similar charges across the board from Republicans that the Harris campaign has sought to push back on.

Throughout her time as vice president, Harris and her national security team worked closely with Giammattei’s government to try to tackle the root causes of migration from the source, even before Guatemala’s transition crisis.

Guatemala is Central America’s most populous country and a key hub for the flow of migrants north toward the U.S. southern border.

One key initiative Harris’s team and other National Security Council (NSC) officials worked on with Giammattei was the “safe mobility office” initiative, to try to establish offices in the region where people could apply for asylum in the United States from afar or learn about the convoluted U.S. migration system before ever reaching the U.S. border.

Gordon met with Giammattei for over nine hours in one of his numerous trips to Guatemala as they hashed out these proposals, according to a senior administration official familiar with the matter. This official and others spoke on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak on the record about internal government deliberations.

The National Immigration Forum, a nonprofit organization that tracks migration issues, has said that “much remains unclear about the offices’ operational realities” but that it is aimed at lessening the burden on immigration systems at the border and deterring people from trying to venture there in the first place.

Arévalo won Guatemala’s presidential election in August 2023 by a comfortable margin on a campaign of anti-corruption reforms. In the wake of the election, “we were starting to see signs that Giammattei’s administration was seeking to block the outcome of the free and fair elections and prevent a peaceful transfer of power,” said Katie Tobin, the former top Biden migration advisor at the NSC.

From there, Harris’s team was well placed to launch the pressure campaign on the outgoing government to accept the election results. It was also coordinated by the top U.S. diplomat at the time in Guatemala, Patrick Ventrell, and other State Department and Treasury Department officials, according to the officials familiar with the matter.

In October, the administration announced sanctions on Guatemalan officials linked to corruption. In November, Gordon traveled again to Guatemala to meet with both Giammattei and Arévalo separately to “reinforc[e] the importance of the peaceful democratic transfer of power,” according to a White House readout of the meetings at the time. Days after his visit, the Biden administration sanctioned another former top Guatemalan official for his role in “ongoing efforts to undermine the democratic transfer of power.”

Then, on Dec. 11, the State Department announced visa restrictions on nearly 300 Guatemalans, including over 100 Guatemalan members of Congress and other business elites, for “ongoing anti-democratic actions” that sought to interrupt the transition of power.

“That sent a really strong message to all politicians, that the United States was not going to be just waiting to see what happens,” Chang said. Chang said that Guatemalans paid close attention to the diplomatic campaign by the United States, and in particular the top U.S. diplomat there, Ventrell. Harris’s personal role, Chang said, wasn’t visible in Guatemala in the same way it was back in Washington in internal government deliberations.

The pressure appeared to be working, and Giammattei and his proxies began backing down. But there would be one last dramatic political battle, and members of Harris’s national security team would find themselves at the center of it.

Biden in January announced he was sending a delegation of eight senior U.S. officials to Guatemala for Arévalo’s inauguration, led by U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) chief Samantha Power. The delegation also included Gordon and Tobin, as well as Brian Nichols, assistant secretary of state for Western Hemisphere affairs.

Lawmakers who opposed Arévalo threw up more roadblocks, delaying the special session of Congress to finish the inauguration and sparking fears of a last-minute coup. Arévalo’s supporters rallying to celebrate his inauguration grew increasingly restive and impatient as the hours dragged on, eventually clashing with riot police and gathering outside the congressional building.

The showdown also intersected with the U.S. election campaign, as one of former President Donald Trump’s top confidants, Ric Grenell, traveled to Guatemala in the days leading up to the inauguration and threw his support behind the efforts to derail Arévalo’s ascent to the presidency, as the Washington Post reported. Grenell reportedly backed hard-line conservatives who sought to block the transition and alleged that the U.S. foreign-policy establishment was trying to “intimidate conservatives” in the country. Grenell, Trump’s former acting director of national intelligence and ambassador to Germany, has emerged as one of the most influential voices in the MAGA movement advising Trump on his 2024 run.

On the day of the planned inauguration, Biden’s delegation went into crisis mode. “We were at the [U.S.] ambassador’s residence during this, for nine hours,” Tobin recalled. “The [USAID] administrator, Phil [Gordon], our charges d’affaires [Ventrell] were all making tons of calls to the outgoing government and incoming administration” and “coordinating with foreign delegations” in response to the eleventh-hour crisis, she said.

“We worked out a unified message as the international community there that we were expecting the Guatemalan government to do the right thing and uphold democratic values,” she added. They weren’t alone. Gustavo Petro, Colombia’s president, who was also in Guatemala for the inauguration and has outsized political influence in the region, vowed not to leave until Arévalo was inaugurated.

In the end, the pressure from Guatemalan protesters and the international community worked. Arévalo was sworn in shortly after midnight on Jan. 15. “That transition almost didn’t happen, until it finally did,” Tobin said.

Shortly after the inauguration, Harris issued a statement “commend[ing] the people of Guatemala for making their voices heard and this important transition.” Her team has maintained close contact with Arévalo in the months since; Gordon met him along the sidelines of the Munich Security Conference in Germany in February and Arévalo took Harris up on her offer for a White House meeting, visiting Washington in March. Giammattei, meanwhile, has been barred from entering the United States over U.S. allegations of “his involvement in significant corruption,” according to the State Department.

“A lot of people have critical views of the United States as not always a good player regarding their actions in Latin America,” Chang said, citing Guatemala among other cases. “With this specific example, however, you can see how the United States can actually help in countries that are struggling with democratic transitions.”

[laurents-laces]

It took me 84 years, but here's the notes for Pacat's Instagram live on January 22, 2022! You can find previous summaries here. This time I added a section for things that involve both capri and dark rise because there was a lot of that.

“It’s funny, I tend to write, as I think back on Dark Rise and then before that, Captive Prince, I tend to write these book ones that kind of don't necessarily reveal themselves until the end or cohere until the end or maybe are written for the re-read rather than necessarily for the first read… I kind of have this philosophy that difficult pleasures are the most enjoyable because you have to work to achieve them, and so you know, I like the idea that you get rewarded at the end of Dark Rise for reaching the end.”

Important Updates

There has been some progress on the capri News™, though it was epically delayed by the pandemic. It’s not a fourth book, hardcovers, Laurent’s POV, or a TV series

There were updates about Dark Rise and Fence too but none of it is news anymore because this happened so long ago. The capri fandom is just unlucky like that

Pacat has a new project! It’s very different and is more adult in tone than his previous works. It’s kind of monster-horror-gore, he’s been wanting to do something with a shounen horror vibe like Berserk or Attack on Titan. It’s coming in the distant future, not soon

Captive Prince

Pacat hasn't heard of the capri fandom term Smaurent (small Laurent) but thinks that the idea of him does exist in the books as he was a very different person as a young child. Pacat likes writing characters who explore the idea that one’s past leaves fingerprints on one’s present self and Laurent is the most extreme version of this that she’s written

A fan said that they think of “Damianos V” as being a roman numeral, so that Damen would be the fifth King Damianos. Pacat really liked the idea

Pacat cried for a really long time while writing Nicaise’s death scene. Got a few strange looks as he sat in the Melbourne State Library with tears streaming down his face for a few hours. Nicaise’s death was planned from the beginning, he was always a bittersweet character to write

Laurent is such a private person. Writing more from his POV would risk exploding the mystery of his character and might kill some of the tension in capri

The capri News is like a missive from Rohan- it's on its way and it'll arrive at some point, just when you need it most

A fourth capri book isn’t completely out of the question but there isn’t one planned for now

The Brazilian capri covers are their own thing but they don’t represent the books well. They have a very dark-ages-hard-masc-medieval aesthetic

How tall is Damen? Laurent thinks that he’s a foot taller and that sometimes it feels like more

Orlant: Rough exterior, heart of gold, didn't deserve what happened to him

Pacat pronounces Vere like Veer (veer off course) but that is not the correct pronunciation that Laurent and the Veretians use so feel free to pronounce it how you want

Pacat wasn’t really involved in the art for the Japanese edition but has been a fan of Chinatsu Kurahana for a long time. Usually the author doesn’t get much input for foreign editions. The Japanese publisher was very welcoming and let Pacat have some input, but he was such a fan of the artist that he let her do whatever her vision was. He gave a bit of a description for clothing but didn’t tweak any character concepts once they were drawn because he likes having different versions of the characters in different media. We shouldn’t think of it as an official version of the characters or as Laurent’s canon hair length

Dark Rise

The submission date for the Dark Heir manuscript was June 2022. At the time of this live, Pacat was just past writing the midpoint of the first draft, heading towards the climax. The climax has been planned for a long time

We absolutely get James's POV in Dark Heir. Pacat had just finished writing one of his chapters when this live happened

How would Anharion describe Sarcean in one word? The answer would change depending on whether Anharion was wearing the collar. If he was wearing it he would say whatever Sarcean wanted him to say

James is not named after the gay king james (James I of England)

We will find out about James’s mother at some point, either in book 2 or later

Pacat’s current favourite Dark Rise character to write is a new character from book two

It was important that the stewards were racially diverse. When Pacat was pitching Dark Rise he had little pictures of the characters to show what the aesthetic of the book is, it was art that he found online. Things might have changed since then but this was three or four years ago and it was really hard to find fantasy imagery of non-white characters. If you wanted to find mages or warriors in suits of armor, all the artwork had white characters. So he wanted to include different types of people in the traditional western fantasy aesthetic

Favourite part of Dark Rise #1 is the ending because it was all of the pieces falling into place

Cyprian’s surname is not St. Clair but saying more than that would be a spoiler

Stewards have family in the outside world

Pacat would love to write short stories for Dark Rise like the ones for capri but she’s a slow writer so it would be some time in the future

Dark Rise/Capri

Justice’s appearance wasn’t specifically influenced by danmei, he has long hair because all the Stewards have long hair. The Stewards have long hair because everyone in the Old World had long hair and the Stewards carry on the sacred traditions of the past. This was inspired by the delightful long-haired-Laurent contingent in the capri fandom because they were so underserved by Captive Prince. No one in capri other than Ancel has really long, butt-length hair so Pacat wanted to change that in a new series

Where do you get inspiration for jewelry like Nicaise’s earring or James’s collar? Pacat has been thinking lately about the importance of creating a strong visual aesthetic for a character. The earring was created as a plot device. It’s long because it had to be very gaudy and noticeable because Laurent would use it as a disguise later, and it has blue sapphires because blue is Laurent’s colour. It's one single earring instead of a pair because it felt more poignant as a memento. The earring was more about purpose than aesthetics, but Pacat paid more attention to aesthetics in Dark Rise. When working on Fence, Johanna is so good at creating characters with an iconic visual look, and Pacat was thinking about that when he created James. He started with the idea of red because it's the colour of blood. The collar started off as a necklace that was a drop of blood, but it was changed to be more interesting and to have more of an impact. Pacat often thinks about the scene from the Hunger Games when Katniss is about to prove herself to the sponsors and they're not paying attention to her so she shoots the apple in the boar's mouth. A lesser author would’ve had her nail the bullseye but Suzanne Collins souped it up one more level, to come up with something slightly cooler or more imaginative. So Pacat goes through his finished drafts and thinks, is there anything I can turn up to 11? And the necklace wasn't at 11. So he thought about making it a choker, then a collar. A choker with rubies looks like a slit throat and that’s a very cool image, so that’s what it was changed to

Pacat is an only child so Tom and Auguste as older brothers aren’t based on personal experiences, but the idea of siblings has a strong importance to her. Dark Rise is dedicated to her half-sister Mandy who committed suicide when she was 15, which was the year Pacat was born

Fence Comic

The process of creating Fence: First Pacat writes the script, then it gets sent to the illustrator Johanna. It goes through a few rounds of notes where the two of them talk about the kinds of things they want to see happen, what would be cute or great in the upcoming storyline, and then Johanna does sketches. Then art edits happen, but usually the art is so incredible that it doesn’t need many edits so the only usual change is to make sure that Nicholas is left handed when he’s fencing. Then Boom (the publisher) looks over it before it goes to inks, then to the colourist Joana Lafuente, then to Jim Campbell for lettering. Jim places the speech bubbles and fits the script onto the page. Where the bubbles are placed and which words are emphasized makes a big impact on the flow of the script. Then everything gets sent back to Pacat for proofreading and editing of the lettering and then it’s done

Pacat worked very closely with Sarah Rees Brennan on the fence novels. They talked a lot about how events would play out, biographical details of the characters, made canon compliance edits, saw the books at every level and loved them. It’s impressive how Sarah can turn on a dime between two sets of opposing feelings when transitioning between emotions. Her books have a lot of wit and charm but also a lot of hard-hitting emotion

There was information about Rise and a preview but I'll skip over that part because it's already out now

Personal

When creating characters, Pacat often thinks of them in terms of dynamics they’ll have with other characters, or what they want to achieve, or what kind of archetype they resonate with, or how to build a backstory that gives them layers. Characters are interesting when they have more than one motivation, when they look one way on the surface but then different aspects of them from the past are revealed

Pacat was an Earth sciences major

Pacat chooses all the fanart friday posts himself and then his assistant Hannah sends a request to the artist

Least favourite book trope: band of misfits who save the world through a hail mary pass. Pacat likes a highly confident crew, not a small rabble of people who fluke their way into saving the world. It's not a bad trope, he doesn't know why he doesn't like it. He doesn't like Firefly because of this trope

He often reads fanfic on ao3 for more of a story than was in the original or more of a dynamic that was underserved in the original. But authors can’t read fic of their own works for copyright reasons

Owns multiple copies of the Lymond Chronicles. Book four is her favourite because the ending is so intense and devastating. Pacat often thinks of that ending when deciding what to do with her own works because most authors would’ve chickened out of writing an ending like that. She read book one for the first time in a restaurant at 9:00am and stayed there until she finished the book. She probably looked like a mess because of all the laughing and crying, and at one point one of the waiters came over to bring her a handkerchief and said “are you okay?” and Pacat said “I’m just at a really intense part right now"

Pacat does brainstorming sessions with friends to come up with ideas for books and looks at art books for inspiration

He’s reading the BL manga Twittering Birds Never Fly

Danmei dramas/web novels are really long so he isn’t familiar with most of them, but he ordered MDZS and he’s looking forward to reading it because he’s heard a lot of good things about it

Pacat doesn’t usually like love triangles, whenever he ships something in a love triangle he ends up choosing the unlucky guy. He liked Gale more than Peeta and liked Edgar more than Heathcliffe

[hannahssimblr]

Sometime later, while disposing of my beer can I overhear a snippet of her conversation with Shane. “... then ask her yourself,” she’s saying, and my ears perk up. 

“What are you two talking about?” Evie jumps about a foot in the air when I speak, which amuses me. “Sorry Evie, didn’t mean to scare you.” 

Her hand is trembling as she touches her hair. “I was telling him that he should ask Claire on a date.” 

I hack out a laugh. Shane? Ask Claire on a date? Never. “Jen has him tortured about that, too. He won’t do it.”

Shane shuffles his feet around. “Ah, it’s not like that. I… I don’t fancy her.”

“You do though.”

“No…”

“Yes, obviously, man.”

“No, even if I did, I couldn’t… She’s too…” He seems ashamed for having the audacity to be attracted to her at all.

“Far be it from me to say anything nice about you,” Evie says. “But she’s been with uglier boys.”

I snort. “You’ll never know how she feels about you until you ask her. It’s not that hard. Text her and say that you want to hang out on your own with her.” It feels like we are ganging up on him, but I believe that guys like Shane, ones who are chronically awkward around the opposite sex, need to be bullied into romantic situations. He didn’t lose his virginity until January, for God’s sake. Mine feels like such a distant memory and is so detached from the intrinsic parts of who I am that I can hardly remember what it felt like to have it. 

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares at the black screen dolefully. “And how do I phrase that?”

I whip it out of his hands and locate his messages with Claire. It’s more pathetic than I anticipated. He’s said hi, she’s said hi back and like a gutless fool, he’s let the conversation shrivel and die right there, at the very first hurdle. I begin typing something else. Curious, Evie comes closer to peek at my work and I playfully shoulder her away. “This isn’t for your eyes, Evie. This is personal business.”

She’s making it hard to compose my masterpiece. The magic words that will make the beautiful, ethereal Claire O’Gorman fall in love with Shane, the guy with the squarest head I’ve ever seen in real life. It’s a challenge, but I can make it happen.

“Let me see!” she pesters, and I twist myself away. This way, that way, even lifting the phone above my head so that she can’t reach it. It’s not that I don’t want her to see it, I don’t care. Honestly, it’s just fun to play this game. I add the final bracket to the smiley face with a flourish and then I whirl on her. 

“You should mind your own business.” 

She pretends to be offended. “Why wouldn’t you show me?”

“Because it’s a private conversation!” Behind my back, I hand the phone back to Shane.

He grumbles. “Ah no, I can’t send this to her. Who would send this?”

“I would send it,” I say, and it’s true. I would send it. Just not in any circumstance where I was searching for a pure, healthy relationship with mutual respect and love. 

“What are we crying about?” Jen says, then her eyebrows fly up her forehead as Shane tilts the screen to her. “Let me have a guess at who typed this,” she jabs her finger at me and tuts, taking the phone out of his hands to delete what I wrote. 

Sit on my face :-) 

Is poetry. They just don’t possess enough knowledge to understand the nuance of my work. 

“Filthy.” She mutters. “Don’t let him send this to poor sweet Claire. Don’t worry, Shane, I’ll help you write something that a woman would appreciate.”

Evie raises an eyebrow at me as they pore over the phone. “Why didn’t you want me to see the text?”

“Because you wanted it too badly.” 

“The only reason I wanted to see it was because you wouldn’t show me!”

“Well, I guess you’ll never know.” I pluck a can of beer out of Kasper’s ink stained school bag and offer it to her. Though cheap, warm beer feels like a slightly insulting thing to present to someone as nice as she is. Still, it distracts from having to explain myself. “Do you want this?” 

She smirks. “Are you sure I’m allowed?”

“Yes, I’ll allow it.” 

She cracks it open and drinks with an ease that seems uncharacteristic. She doesn’t seem like a drinker, and I struggle to remember if she was doing so at the barbeque. 

“I’m surprised you guys will spare me a meagre can of your Tesco brand cider,” she throws me a sidelong glance, “seeing as I’m not allowed to smoke your weed or read your silly text messages.”

“You can smoke our weed.” I gesture towards Shane, texting Claire with his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. “Don’t let him stop you. Just go ask Joe and he’ll give you some.” 

She becomes very meagre and polite again. “Oh, no, I don’t feel like any right now, thanks.” 

“Sure.”

“You’re not smoking either.”

“No, I actually don’t ever smoke. Or do any drugs. I just don’t like the way that my body feels when I’ve had them.” Yes, it’s a lie, but only halfway. I haven’t done cocaine or molly in, like, a year, so I’m basically abstinent, and I don’t particularly like how any of it feels. The complete lack of control, and the inconsistency of the high, is unappealing. Not to mention the fact that I always feel like I have stolen two weeks of joy and meaning from my future self when I do them. The whole, truthful explanation is convoluted and I know explaining it will be overwhelming, so I change the subject. “So, what brought you and Liam into town tonight?” 

She sighs sadly and prods a boardwalk splinter with the toe of her shoe, “We wanted to come in and get something to eat and hang out together, but honestly, I don’t think it went well at all.”

“Oh really, why not?”

“He asked me to go to his debs with him.”

I figure it’s best to feign ignorance and get comfortable against the railing behind us. The wind from Wexford Harbour blows strands of fine hair across her face, and she hooks it behind her ears. 

“And what?” I press, “You said that you don’t want to go?”

“I said that I’ll think about it, and I know that’s not what he wanted to hear.”

“I mean, probably not, but if you don’t want to go, then he has to accept it.”

“Well, I don’t know whether I want to go or not. It just came up really suddenly, and I didn’t know how to answer him, so I just said that, and I think it’s probably as bad for him as if I had just said no. I wish I could go back and have another chance at that conversation, honestly.” 

I watch the side of her face. She doesn’t owe him a thing. “Well, if you were to go back now, would you say yes?”

“Maybe.”

“And for who?”

She frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Who would you be saying yes for? For yourself or for him, because you know it’s what he’d want you to say?”

My question seems to frustrate her. “I don’t know. Him, I guess. I just don’t want him to be mad at me.”

“You know already that’s not a good enough reason. If you don’t feel like going, then just say no, he can deal with it.”

“I know that it sounds really stupid to you, probably, but I really can’t stand it when people are upset around me. I feel like I have to do everything in my power to make them forgive me.”

“Including going to the debs with Liam, even though you don’t want to do that?”

“Well... I didn’t say I don’t want to go with him.”

“Okay, well hypothetically then.”

“Hypothetically… yeah, I would go.”

I chuckle, “You’re an enigma.” 

“Nothing that deep, I don’t think. Just allergic to conflict.”

“Well… do whatever you have to do, but personally… I don’t think I’d give a shit if someone like Liam was annoyed at me. What is he going to do?”

She turns her whole body towards me, eyes wide like my casual demeanour is offensive to her, “be mad and make me feel awful!” She declares. “He already did that this morning and I’ve been feeling ill all day over it, you should have seen him when he opened the Surf Shack, he didn’t even want to let me inside to talk to him, and he was just-”

“But why was he like that with you this morning?”

She hesitates. “I… forgot to text him back.”

“Evie…”

“I know, but I left the texts unread for nearly a whole day.”

“There are messages in my phone that have gone unanswered for months.”

“Yeah, but it’s different when it’s- it’s just different with Liam and I.”

“He’s not your boyfriend.”

“He isn’t.” 

I sense we could go around in circles like this forever, and the fact of the matter is that she seems to have some clear lack of understanding about what she owes to that boy and what she doesn’t. I know I’m not getting anything through to her, so eventually I just let her off the hook.

“Are you cold?” I ask her as a palpable shiver rips through her body. The skin of her forearms is goose-pimpled as that bracing wind whips around us both and rocks the boats moored to the dock. She’s only wearing a tiny pair of denim shorts and a top made from the sort of material that’s almost see-through.

“No, I’m alright. I’ll survive.” She says.

Jen interrupts us before I am compelled by forces that transcend common sense to be very foolish and obvious and put my hoodie on Evie, and it’s just as well. 

“We’re thinking of going to that nightclub in town.” She informs us. “Do you guys want to come?”

“I don’t have ID,” Evie says. “They won’t let me in.”

“Oh yeah, shoot, you’re not old enough. I forgot.”

“Go on without me, though. I don’t mind. It sounds like a lot of fun.”

Jen hesitates, “Are you sure? How will you get home?”

“I’ll get a taxi, I suppose.” 

It’s a ridiculous idea. “I’ll take you home,” I say, and it’s not a big deal. I’m going that way, anyway. 

“Honestly, it’s fine. I don’t mind getting the taxi.” She glances up and down the quays, and the idea of it feels wrong. She’s never been here before, and wouldn’t even know where to go to hail one. 

“Let me bring you home. It’s no problem.”

She smiles at me, relieved, while I pointedly ignore the looks that everyone else is giving me. Especially Jen. I’ll be hearing about this later, I’m doubtless, but for now I will pretend that I live in a world where she can mind her own business. 

When we break from the group and walk towards the other end of the quay, I am conscious of the silence, of the hollow sound our footsteps make on the boards. The waves break in steady succession against the rock bank below us. 

Here, the wind is increasing, and the land is completely exposed to the coast. Even during balmy summer evenings, it never stays warm all night. Evie should have brought a coat with her, and as she clutches her arms around her narrow body, I wonder why she never thought to. 

“You’re cold,” I say, and she nods, finally, in agreement. Her teeth are bared and chattering and the tip of her nose has gone pink.

“Yes, I’m cold.”

“Here.” I decide that I no longer mind being foolish and obvious when there is nobody else looking, so I remove my hoodie and hand it to her. It is huge. She needs to roll the sleeves up so that they don’t hang ridiculously to her knees like she’s wearing the clothing of some sort of ape, and as I watch her do it, I catch myself resisting the urge to help her.

One last shudder leaves her body. “Where did you park your car?” 

“I didn’t bring it.”

“So we’re walking?!” 

I laugh. “No! I cycled. Oh, hang on,” the keys to my bike lock are still inside my hoodie, so I slip my hand inside to get them. I don’t think she’ll mind, but she jumps as soon as my fingers graze her thigh through the material of the pocket. I flinch. “Oh, sorry.” The lock releases easily and I untangle my bike from a pole. It’s a shit heap, bent spokes and broken pedals galore. I gesture to it humorously. “Well, hop on,”

“Okay!” she climbs on after me, perching on the pannier rack while my fingers flex around the handlebars with anticipation. She adjusts herself, and then her arms poke around my sides and hook around my waist. The feeling of her pressed up against me sets off a series of feelings in my body, which I push to the side and staunchly ignore. 

“Tighter than that,” I tell her, and as her arms lock around me, her wrist grasped in her hand, I kick free from the curb and wheel away into the night.

Beginning // Prev // Next

Corresponding LG Chapter [2]

[ohsalome]

Not long ago I finished reading @TimothyDSnyder's book "Bloodlands. Europe between Hitler and Stalin".

I wanted to share some quotes from the chapter on the Holodomor that struck me personally the most. It is difficult to imagine what was happening then. A small but heavy thread:

The peasants who were slowly dying of starvation were believed to be saboteurs who were actually playing into the hands of the capitalist powers who wanted to discredit the Soviet Union. Hunger is resistance, and resistance is a sign of the imminent victory of socialism.

Forced to pass off their swollen bellies as a manifestation of political opposition, they came to the conclusion that the saboteurs hated socialism so much that they deliberately brought their families to starvation.

On 22 January 1933, Balytsky warned Moscow that peasants were fleeing the republic, and Stalin and Molotov ordered law enforcement agencies to stop the flow of people. The next day, the sale of long-distance railway tickets to peasants was banned.

The Ukrainian musician Yosyp Panasenko was sent with a group of bandura players to the countryside to bring culture to the starving peasants. Having taken away the last piece of bread from the peasants, the authorities had a grotesque intention to raise the mood and spirit of the deathly hungry people. The musicians found completely empty villages.

Children born in the Soviet Union in the late 1920s and early 1930s found themselves in a world of death, surrounded by helpless parents and a hostile government. The average life expectancy for a boy born in 1933 was seven years.

One father in the Vinnytsia region came to the cemetery to bury two of his children, and when he returned, he saw that another child had died. Some parents locked their children in the house to save them from cannibals.

Parents gave their children to distant relatives or strangers, left them at railway stations. Desperate peasants who held their babies through the windows of the wagons did not necessarily beg for bread: very often they wanted to give their children away, to strangers who lived in cities and did not suffer from hunger.

Countless parents killed and ate their own children and then died of hunger anyway. One mother boiled her son for food for herself and her daughter. A six-year-old girl rescued by relatives last saw her father sharpening a knife to stab her.

The children's stomachs were swollen, their whole bodies were covered in wounds, scabs, and abscesses. We took them, laid them on the sheets, and they were moaning. One day, the children suddenly stopped talking, and we looked at them and saw that they were eating the youngest one, Petrus. They were pulling off his scabs and eating them. And Petrus was doing the same thing - pulling off his scabs and eating them, eating as much as he could. Other children were sucking blood from their own wounds. We pulled the children away from this activity and cried.

There came a time when there was virtually no grain left in Ukraine, and human meat was the only type of meat.

One Komsomol member in the Kharkiv region reported to his superiors that he could only meet the meat supply plan at the expense of human beings.

More than one Ukrainian child has told a brother or sister: "Mum said we should eat her if she dies". This tragic solution was found by love and care

[baddestbittyontheblock]

dolliewu's january fic recs

ꪶ ꫂ hi everyone, i've decided join in on monthly fic recs. i hope you all enjoy my faves of january!! ꪶ ꫂ

ꪶ ꫂ remember to like and reblog the works you enjoy in order to support each writer!! ꪶ ꫂ

ꪶ ꫂ however, make sure you read the information on each story themselves such as triggers & warnings ꪶ ꫂ

ꪶ ꫂ also, if you’d like me to remove your fic from this list, message me! ꪶ ꫂ

ꪶ ꫂ dividers: @chilumitos, banner: toby cosmico on pinterest ꪶ ꫂ

woso

alexia putellas

❅ against all odds (to wait for you is all i can do) – part twelve (final part) by @thesunisatangerine alexia putellas x photojournalist!reader | mentions of grief, suggestive content

-this wasn’t the first time you caught yourself thinking how difficult it was to have two professional athletes in your life, and it also wasn’t the first time you wondered how their bodies could store so much energy.

❅ aromatic affections by @codiemarin alexia putellas x reader | fluffy smut, fingering, more fluffy than smutty actually

-you´ve had a rough few weeks and alexia wants to help you feel better.

ingrid engen, mapi leon

❅ always want you by @girlgenius1111 ingrid x mapi x reader

-with mapi injured, and ingrid running herself ragged with the team, r does everything she can think of to take some of the stress of them. she neglects herself in the process though, until an injury forces her to slow down. she doesn't take it very well.

aitana bonmati

❅ cope, coffee, and poetry by @repulsiveliquidation aitana bonmati x reader | smut, angst, mentions of cheating. 18+ DNI.

-“you deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry.”

kpop

blackpink

❅ good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere by @jensettermandu g!pjennie kim x fem!reader | mdni, morally grey characters, toxic relation/situationships, domestic abuse, violence, substance use/abuse, mentions of weight/toxic beauty standards, dubcon, a lot of smut (spitting, spanking, bondage, choking, rough sex, etc. appears), age gap (legal), mentions of sensitive topics, not made for glorification of toxic relationships, 12k+

-y/n opened the door to her apartment as the knocking wasn't stopping and groaned at the person on the other side.

twice

❅ like last years vogue by @sanazakis minatozaki sana x fem!reader | rich kids!au, smut, bondage, edging, praising, spanking, strapping, sana has her middle-class shit together, kinda friends to lovers, friends with benefits, money, sex, power, inspired by the wolf of wall street, which if you haven’t watched yet, can be described in three words. money, sex, power. (and drugs, so maybe not three words.)

-and maybe you’re just tired of the limitations of wealth, the grandeur, the opulence. maybe you’re just tired of seeing the same people day in and day out. but without that, there’s only sana — sana who smirks at you like there's a joke you’re never in on, who shows up in spaces she doesn’t belong and makes you want her.

❅ they can't love you like i love you by @sanarkeo dom!idol!nayeon x sub!idol!reader | exhibitionism, humiliation, power dynamics? unnie kink, 4k

-nayeon wants to show her girl off to the world.

aespa

❅ over her by @myouicieloz yoo jimin x reader | a little smut in the end (just a little). reader and yn don’t really talk abt it tbh. skipping meals

-you overhear karina talking about how clingy you are and from then out started being distant and non-affectionate towards her and she eventually confronts you and asks why you keep pushing her away, to which you tell her

peaky blinders

❅ little one by @tommyshelbyslittleprincess tommy shelby x reader

-tommy notices your pregnancy before you do

celebrities

harry styles

❅ taught well by @signoferoda dad!harry styles x reader

-the kids go into protective mode after someone flirts with y/n at the beach

call of duty

simon "ghost" riley

❅ too good by @dammn-dean simon riley x fem!reader | 2.4k

-"love, they are here!” simon’s voice bellowed through the flat to reach your ears.

❅ dad!simon blurb by @ragingbookdragon dad!simon riley x reader

-there’s something about seeing simon riley as a dad that makes her heart swell with love and adoration

❅ dig a little deeper by ^ simon riley x reader | explicit language, blood and wounds, 1.4k

-the pain surged through her side as she managed to pick herself up off the ground, rattled by the blast that had knocked her off her feet and into the dirt.

❅ his girls by @casiia simon riley x fem!reader | the SMALLEST bit of angst, just a lot of overly detailed domestic simon, baby daddy simon who is still in love with you, maybe ooc

-baby daddy!simon who walks with his daughter to school for her first day, he’s has her small disney-themed backpack tugged onto his shoulder, the straps too small and digging into his skin. but he doesn’t care.

❅ older boyfriend!simon by @luvit simon riley x gn!reader | mdni, 18+

-older-boyfriend!simon who tries to push you away at first.

❅ what they would say during sex by @prettybean cod x reader | 18+

-“i know it's big”

❅ simon blurb by @starstruckmiraclekitty simon riley x reader | fluff

-“you’ve fallen for them, haven’t you?”

❅ simon smut by @callmemickey simon riley x reader | smut

-simon riley fucks intensely and passionately.

❅ to be alive in the summer by @halcyone-of-the-sea simon 'ghost' riley x fem!reader | angst, betrayal, intense gore, violence, death, allusions to intimacy, weapons, vulgar language, recovery, torture, happy ending, 8.3k

-betrayal had never been in your cards, and you definitely didn't see yourself being the one responsible for the act. When having to go undercover, first comes the problem of staging your death.

❅ simon fic by ^ simon riley x fem!reader | gore, death, blood, panic attack

-your body shakes violently, blood dripping down like crimson tears from your hands. the overwhelming sense of dread sits with bullet fragment aggression in the delicate make-up of your psyche.

❅ denial by @callsign-prophet simon riley x reader

-you're not his girlfriend, but don't you dare to have a date with someone else. if he only has eyes for you, so do you.

❅ dad!simon by @lundenloves dad!simon riley x reader | fluff, angst

-simon reacting to his oldest daughter having a small crush on a boy at school! overprotective simon having to be scary

❅ secret wife by @moongreenlight simon riley x secretwife!reader

-if there’s one thing gaz knows how to do, it’s shut the fuck up.

❅ lovely by @yawnderu  dad!simon "ghost" riley x mom!reader | fluff

-"she looks just like you."

❅ simon comforts his son during a tantrum by @nsharks dad!simon riley x reader | very brief abuse mention

-“what do we need the cranberries for, love?”

❅ neighborhood watch by @kkvqwrites simon riley x fem!reader | violence, breaking and entering, SA mentioned/alluded to (not on-screen)

-the news had reported some unsolved break-ins. if you thought simon took it overboard with his protectiveness before, you were in for a shock.

❅ talk dirty to me by @yujivrs konig, ghost, and price | praise, slight breeding kink, degradation, dumbification

-their dirty talking styles.

könig

❅ cute blurb by @peaches-creek könig x reader

-you have been tossing and turning for what felt like hours. the gargantuan man that slept beside you has been knocked out, as he has been for hours.

❅ distracting dreams. longer name by @dizzykss könig x reader | marks, fingering, pussy play, semi-public, slight age gap

-könig notices you avoiding him. and it doesn’t take long for him to figure out that it’s all because of a little dream you had.

❅ talk dirty to me by @yujivrs konig, ghost, and price | praise, slight breeding kink, degradation, dumbification

-their dirty talking styles.

❅ the invisible string theory by @halcyone-of-the-sea könig x fem!reader | human trafficking, mentions of unwanted touching, trauma, blood, gore, guns, bullets, protective!könig, soft!könig, nightmares, mentions of bullying, etc.

-you didn't expect the man who gave you his coat to be the same one to bust down the door where you and the other women slept - sniper hood scaring everyone within an inch of their life. you didn't expect him to become so important to you, either. (based on könig's in-game backstory)

[shiftchii]

MHA DR INTRO !

˗ˏˋ ABOUT ME

first name: Haruka 遙 "far, distant." last name: Kona 小楠 "small, little, tiny." "camphor tree." age: 15 birthday: January 30 gender: AFAB agender pronouns: she/they sexuality: asexual demi-panromantic MBTI: INTP blood type: O-

birth place: Near Shizuoka Prefecture current living place: Musutafu, Japan (the same building as Izuku) ethnicity: Japanese nationality: Japanese occupation: U.A. High School, Class 1-A

personality: Calm and inexpressive, yet caring. Silent nearly all the time. Gets louder when comfortable. Organized and clean. Very curious about everything.

main hobbies, skills & talents: - martial arts, combat - parkour - puzzles - programming and technology - sketching - biology and chemistry - guitar, piano, drums languages spoken: Japanese, English, Russian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish

˗ˏˋ APPEARANCE

height: 150 cm / 4'11" weight: 32 kg / 70.55 lb skin: ghostly pale, cool undertone, visible blue veins, scarred build: slender, bony, petite, fragile appearance. sleeper build eyes: downturned, lifeless with eyebags, right red, left green hair: mid-length, messy, jet black with white chunks piercings: right eyebrow, left ear: tragus, 3x upper Helix, industrial, 2x conch, 3x lobe, right ear: tragus, daith, 3x upper helix, flat, mid helix, conch, low helix, 3x Lobe tattoos: num. 13 on left upper arm voice claims: Rei Ayanami, fem voice num. 10 from code vein extra: vampire teeth

˗ˏˋ HERO

hero name: Haru quirk: blood manipulation I can control my own blood, whether inside or outside my body, manipulating it like waterbending. I can make it as fluid as water or as solid as metal, and I can alter its temperature and state at will. By increasing my blood pressure, I temporarily boost my strength and speed. To use my blood externally, I must first inflict a wound, but I can reabsorb and recycle it. I can only control another person’s blood through physical contact and up to 1 liter, but if I consume their blood, I can control it remotely and in larger amounts, mainly using this for blood clotting. I'll talk about my Quirk in depth in another post ^^

[pleasantlyinsincere]

John and Julian (and Cyn) through the '70s

Last edited on 8 October 2023. All edits listed at the end. Text in between [ ] are my thoughts.

Since John and Yoko had moved into Tittenhurst in August '69 Julian often spend weekends with them there.

"And then I'd live for the weekends I spent with my dad and his new love Yoko at Ascot. My feeling toward their relationship was helped by the way I was treated. I was given incredibly expansive toys to play with and there was always something happening." Julian, 1982

Cynthia describes that she was relieved that Julian got on reasonably well with Yoko, but she was concerned by some of the more bizarre stories of what was going on at Tittenhurst park.

"One of the hardest aspects of letting Julian visit John was accepting that Yoko would presumably look after him when he was there. I didn't know what he would make of her cool manner. But in fact he seemed fine with it, and perhaps it was better for him to have a rather distant step-mother than one who was all over him. He never told me that she was unkind in any way, which was a relief. After that first weekend Peter rang regularly to arrange visits for Julian. Much to my amusement Julian had started to call Yoko Hokey-Cokey." Cynthia Lennon: John, p.314

Photos of Julian at Tittenhurst in 31 January 1970. [John and Yoko only returned from Denmark January 27th, so Julian came to see them the first weekend back.]

Rest of the timeline including pics, quotes and audio behind the cut because it got ridiculously long.

23 February 1970

An article is published in the Evening Post talking about Julian and Kyoko. It mentions that in 1969 there were four months that father and son didn't get to see each other and also spent Christmas apart.

Some quotes from John:

"Julian, last time I saw him, was a bit too protected, like all kids are. It took him two weeks to unwind, when he was last with us." "I'm not a daddy with a set of bricks to play with. When I'm with the kids, they just come along with me and be with me, whatever I'm doing." Link to article

March 1970

Over the New Year John and Yoko had spent some weeks in Denmark with Tony Cox, his new partner and Kyoko. That arrangement had worked quite well and it seems it motivated John and Yoko to try to get closer with Cynthia and Roberto also. It seems in the end not much came of these good intentions.

Up until now, when Julian came to spend the weekend at Tittenhurst Park, it was Les Anthony who shuttled him back and forth between his parents. However, shortly after their return from Denmark, John and Yoko made a conscious effort to spend time with Julian, Cynthia and her fiancé Roberto Bassanini. John later remarked: "All five of us ate together and we saw to it that the children see us all together. Maybe six of us will go on vacation with Kyoko. Julian, Cyn and Roberto, so that everyone feels secure. That's very important. In order to have peace, it's necessary to start inside the family." Lennonology, source L'Express [3/23/70]

Instead John and Yoko left for LA 23 April 1970 to undergo Primal Scream therapy with Janov. They stayed for almost five months in the US and returned to England 15 September 1970.

June 7th, 1970

While John and Yoko are in LA doing their therapy with Janov. One of the topics discussed was John's troubled relationship with his son.

The meeting, which Vivian Janov describes as 'a very strong emotional day for him,' had taken place in April, and John was making an effort to maintain communication with his son. From Los Angeles, John posted a card to Julian today: 'I'm sorry I haven't called or written much. I've been a little sick. We miss you a lot, and send you our love... won't be long till I see you'. Lennonology

After the return from the US in September Julian continued to regularly visit Tittenhurst. During those visits he usually played a lot with Les Anthonys four stepchildren, who at the time were also living on the estate.

"Once Dad had a little white shed built on an island in the middle of a lake on the grounds of the house. He had bought these little white amphi-cars that sped across the lake. The three of us all dressed in white to spend the day there. Crazy, but wonderful."Julian, 1982

In this interview Julian describes going over to Tittenhurst just to be an idiot with his dad but also how scary the big house and his bedroom situation could be to him at night.

[The floorplan of Tittenhurst (LINK) actually shows Julian's room just across the hallway from John and Yoko's room but half a stairway down. There's not really a closer bedroom and he may have been put there, so that he has his own bathroom. It being so far away, small (somewhere he or Cynthia call the room a closet) and scary are after all the memories from a child's point of view.]

For the most part the visitation arrangements seemed to have continued in 1971. In the summer, when John and Yoko were filming for the imagine documentary, Julian can be seen roaming the property with his friends.

Saturday, July 17th, 1971 With the cameras rolling, John and Yoko roamed the Tittenhurst Park grounds in a golf cart with Jill Johnston. As promised, Blue Pools delivered the new lake house, and the Lennons spotted location. More footage was taken of the house under construction, the Lennons and Johnston rowing on the lake, and Julian and the neighbor children reading excerpts from Grapefruit on camera and running amok in the fields. Lennonology

Lennonology

Julian Lennon: Tittenhurst was this enormous palace-like place with 99 acres, golf-cart buggies, a lake, a little island in the middle of the lake. It was like a house of fun. It was wonderful. I loved the place.

LINK to a longer version of the quote but in German. Not adding much just both John and Julian sharing a mutual love for Dr. Pepper at the time, playing the mellotron and the children daring each other to enter a 'haunted' building on the property.

It's also at Tittenhurst that Julian meets May Pang, who had started working for John and Yoko as an assistant through ABKCO in NY and had come to England as a messenger to bring film rolls.

"There were a lot of great moments at Tittenhurst that I do fondly remember, you know, giggling and laughing with Dad. And, as they say, shooting the shit. But it was difficult to know, you think, 'OK, well, is this going to stay? Is this what it's going to be, now? Can I count on this? Can I be here next weekend or the weekend after? Is that going to happen?' That was one of the, obviously, the hardest pill to swallow, was the constant change. You know, you thought things were going to settle down, but they just never quite did." Julian, 2018

"I lived an ideal life between then [Cyn and Roberto] and John and Yoko, but it all ended when Cynthia's marriage broke up and Dad and Yoko moved to the States." Julian, 1982

The big cut happens when on August 12th 1971 John and Yoko leave for NY and take up residence in the St. Regis Hotel.

At first their plan was to search for Kyoko, so that she too could come for visits at Tittenhurst like Julian. In September John and Yoko appeared on the Dick Cavett show and briefly talked about their wish that both their children could be with them.

Maybe a Christmas present:

Christie's auction

[In her Lost Weekend doc, May talks about Julian calling and Yoko not allowing her to put the call through to John. She says at that point they hadn't spoken for a couple of years. Then a few weeks later she is in the audience for George Harrison's appearance on Dick Cavett. The show is aired in November '71, so if there is anything to her anecdote she may mean they hadn't seen each other for two months instead of two years.]

26 May '72

"Lennon admits that he is scared to say too much publicly about the case, because it was the initial publicity that had spurred Cox to vanish. He talks about how hard it is for Ono to see pictures of her daughter: I have to hide them. Asked about his own son, Julian, he says: I don't have that 'where the hell is he?' bit. But he reveals that when they were in England, and Julian visited them every weekend, it was difficult for Ono to be with him when her own daughter wasn't there: It was killing her." source

28 May '72

Cynthia quoted in a Sunday paper: "John hasn't seen Julian since he went to America. It is rather a long time. He seems to be occupied with Yoko's daughter now. He does write to Julian, just normal letters, asking how he is getting on at school and things like that. And he sends him presents. He sent him a toy truck at Christmas. I don't keep in touch with John anymore. It's purely through Julian that we keep in contact. Julian loves his father. He follows his career in the newspapers. He goes to a private boys' school where people don't bother who he is. He went to a state school but he had problems there."

14 June '72

Cyn's complaints are repeated in the LA times, where it said that John hadn't seen Julian in eight months. "He seems to be occupied with Yoko's daughter now."

On 22 September '73 John and May leave for LA and only a few days later on 2 October '73 it is reported in the newspaper that Cyn separated from Roberto Bassanini.

Cynthia gave some interviews on her recent separation and the fact that she and Julian moved back to Hoylake, where Julian goes to private school.

"Unhappily Julian misses his father, which is only natural. We only hear from John at Christmas and when the birthdays come around." 7 October '73, Sunday Mirror

"Julian is always asking after him but of course John is in America now. It's been hard for him not seeing John for several years. This sort of thing is naturally upsetting for a child." 7 October '73, Sunday People

According to May's book, while John had broken up with her, she went to the Dakota to be with Yoko. Yoko there told her that she had decided it was time for Julian to come for a visit and May should at least reunite with John for that period to help him with it. May agreed to go back to John for two weeks, but it ends up being more like a year.

Christmas gift '73

To Julian from Daddy Christmas 1973

[Julian has sold an NFT of the black guitar. LINK ]

Shortly after Christmas '73 Julian and Cyn travel to LA to spend his school holidays with his father. They stay at least until the Happy Days taping they visit together on 5 February '74.

During the over a month long visit May writes, that they went to Disneyland three times and had brunch together the first morning. Meanwhile John is still having some wild times. Since Julian is staying with Cynthia, he goes out with May. The Kotex incident and nearly killing Jesse Ed Davis happen at the same time of this visit. May also places Cynthia asking John to have another child together during this trip.

As the visit ends May makes John promise to call Julian regularly.

"It is the right thing to do. I promise you, Fung Yee." He was silent for a while, then John said suddenly, "I really would like to keep in touch with me son." May Pang, Loving John p.168

Julian too, took a lot of positive out of the meetings around this time.

"Mum and I flew out to the States and stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel. At least Mum did, I spend every minute of every day with my Dad and Yoko. " Julian, 1982

In later recollections Julian correctly puts the first visit in the time-frame that John was with May.

“Dad and I got on a great deal better than,” recalls Julian. “We had a lot of fun, laughed a lot and had a great time in general when he was with May Pang.” Julian in The Times, June 13 2009

May Pang: Loving John. About this visit and how it was set up.

In April 74 Julian sends a Thank you tape to John and Yoko for his birthday gift. Even though John is with May at this time, the present it seems was sent from the married couple.

The present in question according to Julian was a guitar, decorated with a mirror, writing and other stuff:

John writes to Cyn 22 June '74 a typed letter asking about Julian's holiday plans. Interestingly as the return address he gives the Dakota. He wants to send May to bring Julian.

19/20-25 July 1974 Instead of being collected by May, Julian sails with Elton John, Tony King, and Cyn per boat from Southampton to New York.

[In her book Cynthia wrongly remembers this as her first visit with John in the US. She also claims this visit was completely her initiative, which as proven by the letter wasn't the case. The whole anecdote is interesting however because she says that it was never the plan to stay with Julian, John and May but stay in NY with Jenny Boyd. Jenny apparently wasn't told about that plan, because in the end she wasn't there to home Cynthia. (May on the other hand remembers that Cynthia was staying with friends but they left without her and she was lonely, so she ended up coming with them.) In the end (and to John probably rightly or wrongly suspiciously) what was planned as just a trip for Julian with his dad turned into Cynthia coming along most of the time.]

Cynthia'a account about how this meeting was set-up and why she was with them during the trip.

Tony King in The Tastemaker simply writes: “John Lennon wanted to see his son, so I took Julian and John’s ex-wife Cynthia along with me.”

August 6th '74

John, May, Cyn and Julian return to LA for John to record Goodnight Vienna with Ringo.

In the summer while working on Walls and Bridges Julian visits the studio. He records Ya Ya with his dad.

Little interview bit with Julian about being in the studio.

August 19th, 1974

John and May take a trip to Denver. Instead of coming with them Julian stays with Cyn in LA.

When the whole vacation is coming to a close, it is decided that Julian should come for another visit for Christmas. John is clear that he wants him to come alone.

Both May Pang and Cynthia wrote about this visit in their memoirs. [Cynthia is clearly mixing up and merging the first and second trip together in her recollection of it.]

Cynthia's account.

May's account.

December 19th, 1974

Julian, accompanied by Apple staffer Steve Brendell, arrived in NY on this day for Christmas with John and May. Mimi was also invited but declined to come.

While they were in NY Yoko also came by because she wanted to greet Julian.

John, May and Julian flew to Florida on December 22. Lennon said he accepted Levy's Florida invitation "because I was so worn out anyway" from back-to-back studio projects "that I didn't know what to do with my son Julian." John figured that at Disney World, "I could sort of sit in a room or something and Julian could play with Morris's kid." John's quotes are from his trial testimony Big Seven Music Corp, 75Civ, 1116; In Stan Soocher Baby You're a Rich Man, Suing the Beatles for Fun and Money

Until 29 December they spent time in Palm Beach and later returned to Orlando (Disney World).

During this visit, Julian was helpful in influencing John and George making up and the thus the dissolution agreement of the Beatles coming along.

Julian remembers his Christmas visit with John and May fondly: “My memories of that time with Dad and May are very clear - they were the happiest time I can remember with them.” Julian in The Times, June 13 2009

May Pang in Loving John on this visit.

Cynthia writes about this visit in her book.

Video from May Pang's Lost Weekend documentary. [She says Long Island but I guess it's Palm Beach.]

In early February 1975 John moves back into the Dakota and resumes his marriage with Yoko.

John gives an interview to SPIN magazine in early spring 1975. In it he is asked about his private life, his recent return to Yoko, what his relationship with May is like now, and also about Julian:

How about you as a father? How old is your son [Julian] now? He is 11 now. All I know is that you took him to Disneyworld … right? Yeah, that was hell. Disneyland was better, the first time, in L.A., I took him there. Because I went with a gang, and there were a few of us who were flying a little. But Disneyworld — I was there on the most crowded day of the year, around Christmas or something. Seeing him is good. What we do is irrelevant. I went through a period of, “What are we gonna do?” and all that crap. It doesn’t really matter. As long as he’s around. Cause I don’t see him that often. How is it for an 11-year-old boy to have John Lennon as a father? It must be hell. Does he talk about that to you? No, because he is a Beatle fan. I mean, what do you expect?? I think he likes Paul better than me … I have the funny feeling he wishes Paul was his dad. But unfortunately he got me … It must be hard to be son of anybody. He is a bright kid and he’s into music. I didn’t encourage him, but he’s already got a band in school. But they sing rock’n’roll songs, ’cause their teacher is my age. So he teaches them “Long Tall Sally” and a couple of Beatles numbers. He likes Barry White and he likes Gilbert O’ Sullivan. He likes Queen, though I haven’t heard them yet. He turns me on to music. I call him and he says, “Have you heard Queen?” and I say “No, what is it?” I’ve heard of them. I’ve seen the guy … the one who looks like Hitler playing a piano … Sparks? I’ve seen Sparks on American TV. So I call him and say, “Have you seen Sparks? Hitler on the piano?” and he says, “No. They are alright. But have you seen Queen?” and I say “What’s Queen?” and then he tells me. His age group is hipper to music … at 11 I was aware of music, but not too much.

Link to the SPIN interview

March 11th 1975

John is interviewed by Bob Harris on The Old Grey Whistle Test. He sends greetings to Julian, Mimi and the rest of his family in England.

30 July 1975

About Julian ... I'm lucky if I see/hear from him myself. She allowed him over here twice last year ... but insisted on coming herself! You can imagine how thrilling that was ... she thought she could walk back in coz I wasn't with yoko!! Now we're back together again she stops him phoning me ... which he did a lot last year ... once a week. He's a bright little boy ... a bit 'sneaky' like his dad ... but he's gonna need that to survive his mother! Our relationship is pretty good --- he knows where I am and what my life is like ... he thinks of me a litlle too much in terms of 'money' etc ... which is what cyn and her mother (so called) have taught him (by example). He will run right to me when he's older ... we all run somewhere ... so I can wait. I got him well hooked on America ... which isan extraordinary place to say the least ... more on that in other letters perhaps. Oh yes the baby is due in November! Conceived feb 6. I tried to send Julia to see julian ... she was given the cold shoulder. When I get to England I'll show you them both. I would love to see yours. Letter to Leila, John Lennon Letters edited by Hunter Davies

After only five months being back with Yoko, communication with Julian has become more sporadic again. To his cousin Leila John complains that it's Cynthia keeping Julian from calling and about her tagging along the previous year. He also claims that he sent Julia to check in on Julian.

Julia Baird in a '83 interview confirms John's claim to Leila, that he hadn't heard from Julian and sent his little sister to check up on him.

"He kept asking in letters and on the phone, 'Please will you go and see Julian? Will you go and see Julian? Will you go see and see Julian? I haven't heard from Julian. His mother's got a cob on. Can you please go and see what's going on?' [...] Anyway eventually Aaron persuaded me that I should go. He was the one that when we got another letter asking, 'Have you been to see Julian yet?', he said, 'Look, he's never asked you to do anything. I think you should go.' [...] We went and John had given us the address, I didn't know where it was. And she seemed very embarrassed to see me. In fact so much so, that I backed off. I just said, 'Is Julian there, please? I'd like to see him.' And she said, 'No, he's gone out.' And I just said, 'Well goodbye, then.' It was very odd, very bizarre."

In her memoir Cyn doesn't mention John sending family to check on them but has an opposing recollection of who was unreachable:

"Initially he did: he phoned Julian as before, every few weeks. But the calls became less frequent, and all too often when Julian tried to phone John he couldn't get through. Yoko, or one of their employees, would tell him that John was sleeping or busy. Discouraged, Julian would wait weeks before trying again. " Cynthia Lennon, John p. 346

1 May '76

Cyn marries John Twist. John and Yoko send a telegram: "Congratulations, good luck, God bless the three of you, John and Yoko.”

According to Cynthia a few weeks later John calls her to invite Julian over for a visit during the school holidays to meet his brother. Yoko and John take the children for a holiday to Long Island. Cynthia also writes that Julian was mugged during his stay in NY, when John told him to go out by himself to buy a harmonica he wanted.

Photos of Julian with John and Yoko in summer 1976.

The only other person I have read mention the '76 visit is John Green in Dakota Days.

As the apartment at the Dakota grew more crowded, John retreated to the quieter and more spacious southern shore of Long Island. He took Sean with him and brought Julian over from Britain. Yoko kept him posted with a barrage of phone calls. "How goes the war, Charles?" he chimed into the receiver. "No casualties so far. How goes the peace?" "Great. It's absolutely beautiful. I've got a bit of sea and a bit of green and my sons, and even once in a while I even have my wife. You should come out here and get some of this. It's delightful." Dakota Days, p.97

[Aside from Cynthia's and Green's brief mentions of the trip, there is very little information on this NY visit. Even Robert Rosen, who supposedly read John's diaries multiple times, has nothing to say about this or the '77 visits. He even claims repeatedly that Julian and John first reunited in 1979 and hadn't seen each other for four years at that point.]

One of Julian's memories that most likely fits this visit:

Julian first played piano when he was thirteen, visiting his father and Yoko in Montauk, Long Island, after Sean, his half brother, was born. Their next-door neighbor had a piano, and Julian and his father went there one day. Lennon played a couple of tunes, then Julian asked, "Can I have a go?" Julian to Rolling Stone, 1985

Another one that Julian doesn't connect to a date but he remembers the new situation after his little brother was born:

[Yoko] was very loving towards me, even after their son Sean was born. Right at the beginning I felt a few pangs. They were there with their own son. Where did I fit in? But every time I went over Dad would lay on amazing treats, and Yoko was always loving towards me." Julian, 1982

In the same interview Julian also tells the story of his dad offering him a joint when he was about 12, so that might have also been the '76 visit, or the '74/'75 Christmas visit.

Cynthia claims she had trouble getting the money she was supposed to use for Julian's school. She asked John to split the trust fund, so that she can withdraw money from it easier. John agreed.

Cynthia publishes the letter in her book John and calls it "cautious, polite and to the point":

"I explained that, as he and Yoko were out of the country, it was impossibly difficult for me to get at Julian's money: 'Nothing can proceed without your signature - it means I'm forever overdrawn at the bank and have to wait on the convenience of your lawyers ... I want the best for Julian, and his standard of life shouldn't suffer because of lack of good management on your part, which has been happening since the fund was set up ... The money, instead of having doubled through good investment, is dwindling through lack of interest on your part ... It's just so important that this whole arrangement is sorted out without animosity or aggravation ... The way things are going Julian's financial prospects when he is 25 will be virtually nil and he is going to want to know why... It is one thing fighting for your rights but totally ridiculous fighting against your own son's interests, which is what seems to be happening.' "

[She says she ends the letter with thanking them for arranging the Concorde flight for Julian last summer. However according to wiki Concorde didn't fly to NYC until November 1977. (That years Christmas John and Yoko do indeed book a Concorde flight for Julian.) So I suspect that her supposed letter is specifically written for her book and not an actual document as the presentation suggests.]

In mid-October Cynthia gives an interview to Woman magazine that also got picked up in multiple newspapers. In it she talks about their relationship splitting after their first LSD trip, John getting upset with Julian when he couldn't eat with a knife, alleges that she was being followed by a private detective in Italy,...

A report on the article in the Burton Daily Mail from 19 October '76 also quotes Cynthia as saying:

"Since then their relationship has been beautiful," she says. "They talk a lot on the phone, there've been other visits and he's going again this year. I believe now that John is completely off all drugs, has been off them for years, otherwise I'd never let Julian go."

[He's going again this year indicates that there was another visit planned in 1976. If that happened or fell through, I haven't found anything about that.]

October 25th, 76

John sends Julian a postcard from Singapore. “What happened to ya?”

Even though the previous few months there was a visit and positive communication about the finances, Cynthia's decision to publicly complain in the papers angered John. He responded on November 26th 1976 with an open letter in the Daily Mail.

"Lennon tells first wife: Stop blaming Yoko," it read: "As you and I well know, our marriage was over long before the advent of LSD or Yoko Ono. Your memory is impaired to say the least. Your version of our first LSD trips is rather vague. You seem to have forgotten subsequent trips altogether. You also seem to have forgotten that only two years ago, while I was separated from Yoko Ono, you suddenly brought Julian to see me in Los Angeles after three years of silence. During that visit you didn't allow me to be alone with him for one moment. You even asked me to remarry you and give you another child 'for Julian's sake.' I politely told you no and that anyway I was still in love with Yoko. Finally, I don't blame you for wanting to get away from your Beatle past, but if you are serious about it you should try to avoid talking to and posing for magazines and newspapers. We did have some good years so dwell on them for a change."

Cynthia answers to the press after this, saying she doesn't want them to throw mud at each other and repeated "All I want to do is forget the Beatles and enjoy my present life". Still, only a few months later in 1977 she starts to write A Twist of Lennon (allegedly gleefully on a typewriter Yoko had gifted Julian). In her later memoir John she writes she was persuaded to do it by her husband John Twist who believed it would make their fortune.

Julian is sent to boarding school for that time. [In her book John Cynthia explicitly remembers that she moved to Ireland to write. However newspaper reports from the time suggest that the move happened later. So, probably Julian wasn't boarding at this time but those months in '78.]

At the same time communication between John and Julian was happening regularly and according to his diaries he got excited by the idea of buying Julian a keyboard.

July 14th, 1977

December 25th 1977

Julian comes by Concorde to stay at the Dakota during his school holidays.

[At the time of Julian's visit John and Yoko were still helped by the FBI to deal with the kidnapping threat and extortion attempt that had been going on for weeks and scared them badly. Also, Tony Cox had made contact by phone and agreed that Kyoko could visit for these holidays but then disappeared again and John would never hear again from Kyoko. I don't know if Julian was told any of this but I assume it probably was one of the more tense christmases.]

Going by Giuliano because neither Cynthia nor Robert Rosen mention this trip by Julian at all, John was very excited about Julian coming getting up early and baking bread for him. Julian gets close to Nishi and thereby brings forth John's competitive streak. John tries out the parental philosophy of wanting to spend time with Julian instead of giving him material goods, Julian goes 'oh, really' and John caves in. When he leaves John draws a portrait of Julian. Source

[Since Robert Rosen, who also read the diaries, doesn't even know about the '76 or '77 visits (and Giuliano too thinks they saw each other last at Disney World), they may not be the source for the above. I thought it might have been from Dakota Days but it's not. John Green mentions the '77 Christmas visit but says the family were going to Florida to meet Julian there because of the security threats. I think Green is confusing this and a later visit, so I will insert his account of what John told him on returning there.]

Julian stays most of January. Goes to see the musical The Magic Show with Yoko and the band Riff-Raff with John. 

In February of 1978 Cynthia and her husband sell their house and move away from Ruthin to Eire to avoid a 'wealth tax'. They leave Julian to be a boarder at his school. Cynthia and John Twist return in December, probably because they missed Julian.

April 1978

[It's not actually dated aside from being from 1978, I just assume the guitar was Julian's birthday gift.]

GIBSON Les Paul 25/50 guitar

"Dad gave me this special order rare model - it was always exciting to receive something like this from my dad. When I visited Dad we would sit down together and he would teach me a few chords and help me improve my technique." Julian in Beatles Memorabilia. The Julian Lennon Collection.

May 19th 1978

A conversation with Cyn and excerpts from her memoir A Twist of Lennon are published in News of the World.

John, Yoko and Sean are in Japan for their summer vacation. Through his London lawyers John tries to stop the publication of Cynthia's book as a serial in the News Of The World.

Tuesday, June 13th, 1978 Having been telephoned in Japan with the details of Cynthia's memoir excerpt in News Of The World, John instructed his solicitors to issue a High Court injunction in an effort to prevent the publication of a planned second installment. Frere Cholmeley & Co., Lennon's attorney in London, described the piece as 'a salacious and gribby little article,' although it was qualified with the statement: 'He does not deny that he held parties or took drugs, but he deplores the publication of intimate details of his married life.' Friday, June 16th, 1978 In the case of Lennon v. News Group Newspapers Ltd and Twist, Lord Denning rejected John's application for an injunction in London's High Court today, permitting the publication of more excerpts from A Twist Of Lennon. For his par, Denning was not impresses with John's argument that the article's publication was a breach of confidence of the marriage: 'I cannot see that either of these two parties have had much regard for the sanctity of marriage ... It seems to me as plain as can be that the relationship of these parties has ceases to be their own private affair. They themselves have put it into the public domain.' Sunday, June 18th, 1978 Having successfully defended the right to publish excerpts from A Twist Of Lennon, today's edition of News Of The World featured part two of their series: 'How Yoko stole my husband.' " Lennonology

When the book actually was released feelings turned out to be much softer than expected. Cyn ends her first memoir with the words :

I still feel very proud of the Beatles and their accomplishments. My life during that period was an education, an education I wouldn't have missed. It has left me feeling enriched, not embittered, enlightened not blinded. All I can think to conclude my story is to say, 'Thanks for the memories, and in the words of the I CHING, no blame.'"

After finishing reading his ex-wife's book, according to Robert Rosen, John was relieved and enjoyed the nostalgia. He said a prayer for Cyn: "Dear God, please show her The Way. Thank You. Thank You."

Postcard to Julian:

[I can't make out the date on the card. Julian's Beatles memorabilia book says it's from '71 but that's obviously wrong with Sean being included and Julian's Ruthin address on it. John makes the reference to being a farmer. They bought their farm in February 1978, so I put it that year. May be wrong though.]

March 21st 1979

Julian is supposed to join John, Sean and Yoko's visiting nieces in Palm Beach.

[John taking a photo of Julian in '79]

There are multiple, very different accounts for this visit, that includes Julian's 16th birthday celebration.

John bought Julian a motorcycle for his birthday.

At one point they went to Disney World, (which none of the accounts of the trip even mention), where this photo of Julian and Yoko's nieces was taken:

Accounts from:

Robert Rosen [Rosen writes that Dan Richter's children came for a visit. Correction: I said before that that because Dan wrote in his book that he never saw John again after 1974, it seemes unlikely to me that his kids would be sent out to John and Yoko five years later. However Dan Richter does confirm that in his interview on the Podcast Glass Onion: On John Lennon episode 16:

"My kids would go down, they had a place down in Palm Beach or whatever it was down in Florida. And they were there at Christmas and bring Julian and they would fly my kids down to play with Julian. And everybody, the sense we got was they were happy!"

This visit doesn't happen over Christmas but it sounds like he is talking about more than one occasion that happened and probably Christmas is one example. Could also mean that Rosen is mixing up the occasion for that anecdote.]

Cynthia Lennon

Fred Seaman

Geoffrey Giuliano

John Green [Green puts this actually to the '77 holiday visit, where he wrongly writes they went to Florida. I think (if his stories are to be believed at all) he confuses John's anger and disappointment upon return with this visit of Julian's. It also fits with being in Florida.]

[I recommend to read all of them. Lots of drama. I may one day make a comparison post between all the account because they are fascinatingly different.]

April 9th 1979

John writes to Mimi saying Julian would be welcome to live with them if he so chose but there had been no arrangements made.

Q: Did you ever plan to go and live with him [John] in New York? Julian: "When I was in my early teens we'd spoken on the phone about the possibility of me going to college over there. I think it was wishful thinking on both our parts because I felt uncomfortable about the situation and I believe he did, too." Hello! Magazine, 1995

April 25th 1979, Postcard to Julian from NY:

Julian declines to join his dad, Yoko and Sean for their family's yearly vacation in Japan.

[July 1979 In the context of getting one of his guitars Julian said that John bought him a Sony Walkman as a gift when they were brand-new. He puts around '73-'74. However according to wikipedia the Sony Walkman was first sold in July '79, so that present would have been sent to Julian around this time, maybe directly from Japan.]

December 1979

On 3rd-4th December there is a two part feature in the Daily Mail called "The Sons of the Beatles" on Julian and Zak.

"When I'm in New York, we go out quite a lot together round some of the art galleries, or to his house at Long Island. When we stay in we have musical jam sessions together singing out latest songs to each other. I still listen to Beatles music. Although I quite like some of my father's solo albums, I much prefer what he did with the Beatles." (quoted from Lennonology p. 508)

Also that month:

"More disturbing to John were the ongoing trials with Julian. The sullen teen continued to vex his father with his on-again, off-again plans to visit over Christmas. At first Julian said maybe, as long as they didn't go to Florida. Then it was a flat no, using school exams and a new girlfriend as an excuse. At the last minute he called saying he would come to New York only if he could bring a friend, but Yoko turned him down. As usual John didn't challenge her. Julian retaliated by sending his father a tabloid article about rock stars' sons, which focused on both him and Ringo's son Zak Starkey, and went into detail about the trials of being the offspring of a Beatle." Lennon in America by Giuliano p. 218

On the other hand John Green does write that Julian spent Christmas '79 with John, Yoko and Sean. He even says that Julian stayed until February. ("John stayed in the Palm Beach house until February, luxuriating in the sun and sea, forging new ties with Julian and delighting in rediscoveries of himself." p.229) [This can't be true however because John was definitely in NY for Christmas and New Years. John and Yoko did buy a house in Palm Beach late January however and were spotted there a few times in February. I can't find a mention of Julian being spotted with them, so it may or may not have happened. I do think between the two of them Giuliano's account is probably more accurate. The Daily Mail article he mentions of Zak and Julian had come out on 3 or 4 December, so that is also believable that it had come up in pre-christmas discussions. But of course it's possible that a visit happened anyway.]

1980

Julian called in February 1980 to set up another meeting with his dad. This time John denied him, surprisingly because he was worried about Julian's schooling. Through Cynthia he had learned that Julian was failing his O-levels, had started smoking, staying out at night drinking, had gotten in trouble with the police for setting up fires and racing through town on a dirt bike. "John just prayed that Julian didn't hurt himself." There is also continued conflict over money. John felt that Julian every time they spoke asked him for more money. "And though John continued to feel guilty about having abandoned Julian and Cynthia, he'd be damned if he was going to be like every other rich asshole father who'd abandoned his family and then used money as a poor substitute for love and companionship." source

In March 'A Twist of Lennon' gets its paperback release and new reviews are printed in the press.

Summer 1980

When John sat for a portrait painting with Sean for the artist Nancy Gosnell, he wondered if she could also do one of him and Julian from a photograph. He wanted to give him a father and son portrait for his birthday, according to Fred Seaman.

September 1980

PLAYBOY: "Your son, Julian, from your first marriage must be in his teens. Have you seen him over the years?" LENNON: "Well, Cyn got possession, or whatever you call it. I got rights to see him on his holidays and all that business, and at least there's an open line still going. It's not the best relationship between father and son, but it is there. He's 17 now. Julian and I will have a relationship in the future. Over the years, he's been able to see through the Beatle image and to see through the image that his mother will have given him, subconsciously or consciously. He's interested in girls and autobikes now. I'm just sort of a figure in the sky, but he's obliged to communicate with me, even when he probably doesn't want to." PLAYBOY: "You're being very honest about your feelings toward him to the point of saying that Sean is your first child. Are you concerned about hurting him?" LENNON: "I'm not going to lie to Julian. Ninety percent of the people on this planet, especially in the West, were born out of a bottle of whiskey on a Saturday night, and there was no intent to have children. So 90 percent of us... that includes everybody... were accidents. I don't know anybody who was a planned child. All of us were Saturday-night specials. Julian is in the majority, along with me and everybody else. Sean is a planned child, and therein lies the difference. I don't love Julian any less as a child. He's still my son, whether he came from a bottle of whiskey or because they didn't have pills in those days. He's here, he belongs to me and he always will."

Playboy: I was under the impression that you still weren't seeing Julian much. Lennon: Well, no, he's comin' here over shortly now. I see him whenever he get's off school. Playboy: Has it been hard for him to be John Lennon's kid? Lennon: Yeah, he has his own... Everybody has a cross to bear, and Julian has that cross, and he'll deal with it. He's a clever boy, and as he gets older we can communicate and he'll understand.

[I wasn't sure what upcoming visit John is referring to since I couldn't find one mentioned anywhere. However there is an article in the Daily Mirror from 8 October 1980 including interview passages with Cynthia that mentions Julian currently being in New York. So without any photographic evidence, he isn't in any of the birthday photos, or anecdotes about it, there still might be the possibility that there was a (pre-)birthday visit from Julian to John and Sean in 1980. Julian himself hasn't been completely consistent on when he last saw his Dad. He has said that his '79 birthday visit was their last meeting (which I think is most likely correct), but he also claimed that he was flying out regularly.]

"According to Cynthia, Julian, now 18, plays guitar better than his father. He has left school and is off to New York to stay with his famous dad." Link to the article

In an interview with Jonathan Cott on 5 December John reflects more on the troubles of being a Beatle's son and on how mistakes in his decision for Julian's schooling changed his outlook on his plans for Sean. [Julian had been going to private school since at least 1973.]

"[...] because he can't possibly be an average child, being the son of famous parents. I tried that game with my son Julian, sending him to a comprehensive working-class school, mixing with the people, but the people spat and shit on him, because he was famous, as people are wont to do. So his mother had to finally turn around and tell me to piss off: 'I'm sending him to a private school, the kid is suffering here.' "

Cynthia writes that by the end of 1980 Julian felt a breakthrough in his and his father's relationship. John played Julian songs from his new album over the phone, asking his opinions. source

Julian himself reflects on his and his dad's relationship by the time of his death like this:

"I know that dad's presence will be around for a long time. He was always joking, always sounded happy, which made me think more of him as a friend than a dad. My earliest memory of my father was when I was about three and he sang happy birthday to me. We were living at Weybridge, Surrey, and dad threw a birthday party for me and brought in a long cake shaped like a train and festooned with candles." Sunday Mirror, 5 April 1981

As early as 1982 negative feelings would influence Julian's memory, saying he didn't get to see his father for five years, that he only heard on Birthdays and Christmas from him or that after the first US visit it was again years before he got to go another time, when it was merely months.

"The Beatles sang 'All You Need Is Love' - and that is all I wanted from Dad. It is difficult to explain why I should feel so strongly, when we shared so little. Never once in all the years he lived in America did he even think about coming to see me. Apart from rare visits, I lived from birthdays to Christmas just to hear from him." Julian, 1982

[Those false memories/presentations may have been the result of his beginning break from Yoko around that time and the conflicts about money, or maybe his memories just adapted to the way it was talked about in his family.]

"It was more of one man to another than the usual father and son relationship, because he had been away from me a lot, and he said he realized that. I was just getting through to him and growing up myself and growing out of the silly giggling I did as a young teenager that really annoyed him, when Dad was killed." Julian quoted in Ray Coleman's John bio, pp.620

"Dad was such an influence in my life, it must have been hard on Mum. She'd do her best with presents at birthdays and Christmas, but I always waited for that special present that was bigger than anything else - from him. Yet he never sent anything spontaneously. He'd phone up and ask what I wanted, and it would arrive. I don't think he was trying to buy me in any way. It was just a chance for him to do something for me. He knew I wanted to be a musician and kept telling me to take a long time to get it right. He removed a lot of the stress I suppose other kids might feel. I didn't do very well at school. I don't think I'm dense, but I suppose I'm a bit lazy. There's only one thing I want - to know for sure that Dad loved me as much as I loved him. Or maybe to have him back." Julian, 1982

Edits: 29 April - December 1974 John trial quote added; September 1980 Playboy interview quote added 6 May - added Julian quote about relationship to his father by the time of his death 7 May - added Old Grey Whistle Test clip March 11th 1975 18 May - added info about 3-4 December '79 Daily Mail feature on Julian and Zak, added all the info I could find on any visits in John Green's Dakota Days and multiple notes on to those mentions. 20 May - added Cyn's quote for 28 May 1972. 23 June - added the Tittenhurst floorplan and the link to an extended quote from Julian about being there in German 8 July - added quote from 5 Dec 1980 to Jonathan Cott 20 July - added Julia Baird audio on trying to see Julian for John 1975 22 July - added info on a possible 1980 visit, 1973 interviews, 1976 info, 1980's quote 30 July - Spin interview '75 added, Cynthia quote from Burton Daily Mail '76 added 1 August - added bits from Julian's 1982 article throughout, transcribed some of the jpg quotes, so that I may add more photos, some photos added 4 August - correction in my comments about the likelihood of Dan Richter's children being with them in 1979 19 August - Box of Smile 8 October - Added some postcards, the guitars, reset some photographs because of the picture limit 12 November - Added the video clip from May Pang's doc

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

[CN] Li Zeyan’s 2024 Birthday: Former Times Date (Eng Translation)

“Perhaps, from the moment we met eighteen years ago, fate had already quietly written our today.”

“Li Zeyan, it was your appearance that made me start to believe in the existence of fate.”

⌚Warning⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for a date, 昔年约会, that is yet to be released on the global server! ♡

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

【Subbed Video】

──────────────────

【Prologue】 

As soon as I arrive at the main entrance of the Riverside Plaza, I notice a woman in professional attire walking towards me with quick steps.

??: Miss MC, hello. I’m Wang Yi from the Publicity Department of the City Hall.

MC: Hello, Miss Wang.

After shaking hands with each other, I take out a pre-signed agreement document from my tote bag and hand it to her.

MC: I’ve already signed the temporary usage agreement for Riverside Plaza’s venue. Please have a look.

She efficiently flips to the last page, confirms the signatures, and hands me a temporary access ID card along with a map of Riverside Plaza.

Wang Yi: I’ve already taken care of informing everyone involved and have reserved the time you’ll be needing.

Wang Yi: On January 13th, there won’t be anyone bothering you here, except for the patrol staff.

MC: Really, thank you guys so much.

Wang Yi: No worries. Director Chen mentioned you have very important memories here… and besides, you are the main person in charge of the promotional video for Riverside Plaza.

Wang Yi: In terms of both emotions and reason, this little help is nothing.

It’s not until I watch her departing into the distance that I begin to earnestly take in the recently completed Riverside Plaza before me––

The use of minimalist lines sketches out several strikingly modern structures, while in the not-so-distant surroundings, an artificial mountain rises, cloaking everything in front of me in lush greenery.

Such a strong contrast momentarily makes me forget what the park where I first met Li Zeyan looked like.

MC: I wonder what his reaction will be when he sees the drastic transformation here.

Saying this, I lower my head to look at the bag full of birthday gifts I’ve brought, and a smile slowly spreads across my face.

MC: But no matter what, Li Zeyan, I’ll definitely make you happy~

Just as these words leave my mouth, my phone in my pocket suddenly rings. I take it out, only to see the familiar avatar unmistakably displayed on the screen.

Smiling, I answer the call and start speaking even before he can say anything.

MC: Hehe, I was just thinking about you, and here you are calling. What’s up~?

LZY: A certain dummy hasn’t made a peep all day, and I’m a little not used to such quietness. What are you up to?

MC: Ah~ Turns out someone was missing me.

Grinning, I sling the “gift bag” over my shoulder and head inside, chatting as I walk.

MC: Me?... I’m preparing a birthday surprise for you right now~

The voice on the other end of the line clearly freezes for a moment, followed by soft laughter.

LZY: How come you’re not keeping me in suspense this year?

MC: Because your birthday happens to be on the weekend this year.

MC: Since we don’t have anything else in our itinerary, you must know that I’m planning a surprise for you!

MC: So, there is no point in keeping you in suspense. I just need to work hard to not fall short of your expectations~

My eyes crinkle into a smile, and I halt in my steps. Then, I take out one of the gift boxes and place it under the bench in front of me.

Just as I’m mulling over where to hide the remaining gift boxes, Li Zeyan’s voice sounds once again, his tone neither too soft nor too heavy.

In the winter breeze, this voice inexplicably brings me a touch of warmth––

LZY: Dummy, you don’t need to work so hard.

LZY: As long as you’re around on that day, it doesn’t matter where we go or what we do.

LZY: Because the most important thing has been by my side for a long time now.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 1】 

MC: Happy Birthday!!

Early in the morning, the second I hear the sound of movement coming from the bedroom, I immediately burst in, carrying the cake with Pudding accompanying me.

Li Zeyan, who has risen from the blanket, watches us as we shower rose petals on him, his eyes widening slightly.

After processing the situation, he laughs somewhat helplessly.

LZY: A certain someone disappeared early in the morning; turns out she was preparing a surprise.

MC: Judging by the birthday star’s expression, bet you must have been shocked by my surprise, huh~

Hearing this, a glint of teasing surfaces in his eyes.

LZY: Indeed, you did give me a good scare.

LZY: I even thought someone was “breaking in.” [1]

MC: Well, I’m certainly gonna hijack all your unhappiness today!

He smiles and pulls my randomly flailing arm, hugging me to his side. Then, he glances down at the cake in my hands.

LZY: Looks like my stomach has already been hijacked by you first.

LZY: You squealed me out of bed at twelve a.m. for a bowl of longevity noodles, and now you want me to eat cake?

MC: These are all my blessings~

At this moment, Pudding suddenly reaches out his paw, lightly smearing a bit of cream on Li Zeyan’s face.

Seeing him momentarily frozen, I can’t hold back and burst into laughter.

MC: Haha, our Pudding is also wishing you a happy birthday~

LZY: After being with you for so long, even he has become more childish.

MC: It’s only natural for a family to become more and more alike~

He nods contemplatively. Then, he bends down and gently nuzzles against me, leaving a cool sensation on my face.

MC: Whoa! Why did you pull a sneak attack on me?

LZY: You said it yourself – it’s only natural for a family to become more and more alike.

Even though his tone is composed, a twinkle of amusement betrays his eyes. The overlapping laughter and soft cream melts and spreads in the sweet-scented air.

After washing up, he slices a piece from the cake and doesn’t forget to put the reddest strawberry in my mouth.

LZY: Your blessing tastes good.

LZY: So, what’s your plan for taking me to do later?

Smiling, I wink at him.

MC: Haven’t you heard? The construction of the Riverside Plaza is already complete~

–

───── [FLASHBACK STARTS] ─────

MC: The next time we come here, it will be called “Riverside Plaza.”

Ten months ago, the park where Li Zeyan and I first met when we were kids was slated for redevelopment by the city hall and was soon to be incorporated into a large urban public space – “Riverside Landscape.”

Before the construction began, we returned there once again after several years.

The park, dust-laden in memories, had remained almost unchanged in its original appearance. It beckoned to us from across the long years.

MC: Though, don’t you think the park seems to have gotten a bit smaller…

Holding Li Zeyan’s hand, I repeatedly measured the size of the sandbox with our footsteps and couldn’t help but feel a sense of incredulity.

MC: I can’t believe it only takes a dozen steps to make a circle now. I remember how I could play the whole afternoon in the past.

LZY: It indicates that a certain dummy has been particularly engrossed in playing this game since childhood.

MC: Well, you’d still be next to me and watch me play~

MC: Speaking of which, thankfully, this little me had big dreams.

MC: That’s how I could become your one and only best friend among so many kids in the entire park!

Hearing my exaggerated tone, he seemed unable to hold back a small laugh.

LZY: That’s your standard for a “big dream?”

MC: Of course! Zeyan gege was so cool back then, and he never seemed to rashly make friends with others. [2]

MC: Mm-hmph, but if I had known you were a kid without dreams, I might not have played with you!

LZY: …who said I didn’t have dreams when I was a kid?

The next second, seeing me immediately cast a curious gaze his way, he seemed to stop talking somewhat regretfully.

I kept swinging his hand, adopting an expression that vowed not to give up until I heard the answer. After waiting for quite a while, I finally got a soft sigh of compromise from him.

LZY: You can listen, but you have to hear the premise too. It was just a casual remark I made when I was little, not exactly a serious dream.

MC: So, you were playing coy earlier. But if CEO Li doesn’t say it today, he won’t be adorable anymore! Tell me, tell me~

LZY: …Pianist.

My eyes widen for a moment, picturing Li Zeyan playing the piano, and I can’t control my eyes crinkling as I smile.

MC: Hahaha, even CEO Li had such a whimsical dream!

LZY: [extremely helpless laugh]  I told you, it was just something I said without much thought when I was a kid.

MC: But when I imagine how you’d look in a tailcoat, it does quite suit your temperament.

MC: So, when we return home today, will I be fortunate enough to hear the playing of the Grand Pianist Li?~

LZY: Nope.

MC: Oh, c’mon, just play it casually; even just putting on a show would be fine too.

LZY: [helplessly amused tone]  Your current dream is not small at all, I must say.

Our light-hearted, trivial laughter and chatter scattered throughout the park, and in a trance, we brushed past our childhood memories.

We strolled aimlessly, and when the curtain of twilight fell, neither of us uttered a word about leaving.

It wasn’t until we saw the construction vehicles approaching from a distance that we tacitly cast our gaze for one last time at this piece of land.

MC: I wonder what this little park will turn into the next time we see it?

LZY: If you’re curious, let’s come and check it out together once it’s completed.

His voice was soft, but he spoke with sincerity.

LZY: In any case, its finest appearance has already been preserved in the passage of time.

───── [FLASHBACK ENDS] ─────

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[Tidbits]:

[1] It’s a small nod to his 2nd birthday date, where MC “broke into his house” to surprise him LOL, though this time it wasn’t necessary b/c she lives here haha~

[2] don’t think I need to again; still just a reminder–  MC used to address Li Zeyan as “Zeyan gege” when they were kids. For those unaware, when a Chinese girl addresses a boy as gēge (an intimate term of address), if not used to address her own older brother, she’d use it to address her boyfriend~ and the reason it got both Victor and MC flustered the first time they reminisced in Preference SP~ It’s similar to how oppa (in KR) and onii-chan (in JP) works in cases like this haha~ (//∇//) 

You can refer to this post for more details: ♡♡

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【Chapter 2】 

In the damp winter haze of the south, two interconnected artificial mountain ranges embrace the brand-new Riverside Plaza.

The lines of modern architecture in the square appear to escape from the shackles of steel and concrete, blending seamlessly with the natural landscape.

I take a satisfying deep breath, allowing the fresh air to instantly fill my nostrils.

MC: Looks so much more beautiful than before.

LZY: The concepts for this renovation are very new, and the execution on the ground is pretty commendable.

LZY: But I recall that this place will only be open to the public around mid-year.

MC: Yeah, you’re right. But it’s your birthday today, so it’s perfectly normal for magical things to happen~

Seeing my wink that hints at my intention to keep it a secret to the end, he helplessly raises his eyebrows.

LZY: A certain someone seems to be leveraging her personal connections for me a lot recently.

MC: If it weren’t for CEO Li’s help along the way, I wouldn’t even have the small network I’ve built up today.

MC: “Always think of its source when you drink water”-- it’s but a fundamental principle in life.

LZY: [laughs softly]  Does your fundamental principle also include sweet talk?

MC: This is called the use of some rhetorical devices to convey a heartfelt expression. Every word of mine is sincere~

Amidst the laughter and chatter, as we approach the place where I had placed a gift in advance, even my footsteps gain a little excited spring.

–

3… 2… 1 –– I silently count as I lead him around the corner, and a delicate gift box appears on a bench not too far away.

I discreetly sneak a glance at the person next to me and see that he seems to be in a daze for a moment. Soon after, he quickly catches on, and a smile of realization spills out from the corners of his lips.

LZY: Looks like a certain someone has already been here in advance.

MC: After all, this place holds very special meaning for us. But more importantly, it’s your birthday today~

MC: Since we have the opportunity to acquaint ourselves with it once again, I want to create some new memories that belong to us~

With the expectation in my gaze, he opens the gift box–– inside is a bottle of wine labeled with the year he was born.

MC: Hehe, your first gift is a red wine meticulously selected by MC~ It’s the best-tasting one I selected among many wines!

LZY: Does a certain someone’s idea of the best taste mean it’s “very sweet?” [3]

MC: Huh? How did you know…

A barely imperceptible curve graces the corners of his lips, though he doesn’t reply to my question.

LZY: So, did you just say this is the first gift?

It’s only now that I remember something, and, akin to presenting a treasure, I pull out a gift map.

MC: That’s right~ There are still nine more gifts scattered in the streets, waiting for their owner to bring them home.

LZY: You’ve prepared ten gifts for a single birthday? [4]

MC: Uh-huh. After all, my feelings outweigh these gifts by far, but at the very least, the figure gives a hint, right~

Seeing me use my hands and feet to gesture exaggeratedly, he laughs in spite of himself and takes hold of my hand.

LZY: [gives a precious laugh]  Well, let’s hurry up then. I don’t want a certain dummy’s feelings that are lying scattered to wait for too long.

–

MC: Jeez…

As I watch him retrieve the final gift box straight from the ice cream parlor, my eyes widen in astonishment.

MC: How did you do that?

LZY: It’s not difficult to guess a dummy’s thoughts.

Noticing a glint of complacency flicker in his eyes, I pout a little, unwilling to resign myself.

MC: If you’re really that good, then take a guess at what’s inside the gift box?

LZY: What if I guess correctly?

MC: In that case, you can put forward any conditions you please~

He lowers his eyes to the gift box, and soon, a hint of interest curls at the corners of his lips. Watching him muttering to himself irresolutely, I swiftly regain my complacency.

MC: I knew it! How could you possibly guess~

LZY: Is it a flipbook comic?

MC: …!

I find myself rooted to the spot in incredulity, falling into serious contemplation.

MC: Seriously? I drew this at the store, so there’s no way I could have accidentally filled in the wrong recipient’s phone number…

MC: And, I intentionally didn’t bring it home… so, there’s no chance you could have seen it beforehand!

MC: Weird, how on earth did you figure it out?

He gives me a playful look, then turns the side of the gift box towards me.

A label reading “Hand-drawn Flipbook Comic” is prominently affixed on it.

MC: …how could you cheat!

LZY: You said it yourself–– the birthday star has the final say today.

He laughs candidly, opens the gift box, and takes out the comic book.

As he slowly turns the pages, the changing sequence of images gradually brings a story to life.

The soccer ball that came flying knocked down the sandcastle. Faced with the girl’s loud sobs, the boy was flustered and at a loss for what to do. Finally, he quelled her tears with a pudding.

Probably because the girl always had something to say, and the boy was always willing to listen–– as a matter of course, the two naturally became playmates.

Seeing that an unforeseen accident took place and caused the two to lose contact, Li Zeyan slows down his pace of flipping the pages.

During that prolonged separation, the girl, just like him, grew up well in her own world.

When his fingertips turns the final page, a sunshower drizzles down without warning, bearing witness to their reunion on the sidewalk of fate. [5]

With yearning, his gaze lingers on the page for a long, long time, as if he is looking back to that day through the paper.

MC: It’s a bit of a pity; this was already the thickest book in the store. I originally wanted to continue drawing more into the future.

He looks at me, his gaze deep.

LZY: We already know how the story unfolded after that.

LZY: As for the story that will unfold in the days to come, we will know that, too, as time goes on.

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[Tidbits]:

[3] It’s a nod to a term MC often uses for Li Zeyan– “世界第一甜李泽言” (world's sweetest Li Zeyan) and the nickname CN fans have for him 李甜甜 (Sweet Li); which is also discussed in the call for this date that she wanted to choose a wine that fits him the best and apparently drunk texted in the process LOL. 

[4] Guess all Li Zeyan stans know the significance of the number “10” ahah the source of all angst, but in the light of this date, it’s also a nod to Li Zeyan’s age when he and MC first met.

[5] Likely not necessary LOL, but a refresher anyway — it’s the reference to S1 CH 1, the impending car crash and their fated reunion ahah— ༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

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【Chapter 3】

MC: I hereby declare that the gift-finding mission is a complete success!

Watching me dancing for joy and ticking off the last empty space on the list, Li Zeyan can’t help but break into laughter.

LZY: Obviously, I’m the one who received the gifts, but you seem even happier than me.

MC: Because once again, your reunion with this land has been branded with my mark!

MC: No matter how that little park’s appearance may change, whenever this place crosses your mind, you will always think of me!

LZY: [laughs helplessly]  Dummy, thinking of you has never had anything to do with time or place.

The next second, as if a realization has struck him, he lifts his gaze to meet mine.

LZY: But how come you didn’t place any of the gifts in that little park?

I scratch my head and unfold the map of Riverside Plaza to show him.

MC: With the artificial mountains they’ve built along with so many public structures, the topography here has changed dramatically.

MC: I couldn’t figure out the location of the little park…

MC: Perhaps it was leveled to the ground, or it might have become a part of the mountains, or maybe we’ve just passed right through it.

As he listens to my conscientious conjectures, a soft chuckle escapes from the corner of Li Zeyan’s lips.

LZY: As expected, you dummy.

—

MC: Does the venue usage agreement also include riding the cable car…

As the cable car slowly ascends, I flip through the thick agreement in surprise.

But before I can find the relevant clauses, my eyes are captivated by the gradually unfolding panorama of Riverside Plaza.

Emerald water and azure stones breathe in and out the refreshing breeze, embracing modern architecture and blending into a highly artistic urban landscape.

MC: It seems like the blessing of the birthday star’s halo really makes things magical, huh?

MC: Then, if I get closer to you, perhaps I can catch some of your magical aura.

As I speak, I snuggle even closer to him, crashing into his gaze fixed on me.

LZY: Even if the halo does exist, it wouldn’t spread through such childish methods.

MC: Well, you never know, and you––

The next second, he leans down and silences my unfinished words with a kiss.

LZY: [in an adorably serious tone]  The success rate should be higher with this method.

Seeing him making jokes in a deadly earnest tone, I can’t help but burst into laughter.

LZY: If a certain dummy keeps giggling, she might miss the place she’s been yearning for.

MC: Huh?

Seeing him lift his chin slightly, I look perplexedly to the left side of the cable car.

In the next second, I spot the small park within the construction enclosure of the Urban Construction Group.

The sense of familiarity hits me right in the face, leaving me astounded and frozen in place.

MC: I can’t believe it’s still here… is it that they haven’t gotten to renovating this area yet?

LZY: Take a closer look.

With my eyes, I trace over the landscape before me, overlaying it with the images in my memory.

The old soccer field from the past has now taken a brand new appearance, incorporating the previous open space and expanding to at least twice its original size.

Meanwhile, the small sandbox seems to have become the best viewing area to watch the game, nestled inseparably against the edge of the soccer field.

MC: It… has been preserved?

LZY: Mm.

LZY: In the future, whenever you want to visit, it will always be here.

All my uncertainties vanish into thin air, and even the excitement turns into a sense of reassurance.

The unexpected surprise makes it impossible for me to resist turning my gaze toward that small area; I can’t seem to get enough of it no matter how many times I look.

The cable car ascends a bit more, and on the construction barrier previously obscured by tree shadows, an inverted triangle symbol that I couldn’t be more familiar with comes into view.

MC: Huh? Isn’t that the logo of LFG?

In my bewildered gaze, he nods.

LZY: I mentioned to you before about the collaboration between LFG and Urban Construction, and this is the project.

MC: So, you are the one who preserved it?

LZY: I was indeed involved in the decision-making process.

LZY: However, the redevelopment plan originally called for a youth activity area, so we retained the outdoor park and added more activity spaces.

I nod thoughtfully, but as I look at the small sandbox, I can’t shake the impression that it doesn’t really fit in with the surroundings.

Seeming to notice my trance, he speaks first.

LZY: [extremely softly]  My selfish desire did indeed take part in this.

LZY: Since the soccer field was already being preserved, there was no reason why the sandbox shouldn’t be preserved as well.

MC: Even if it doesn’t quite fit the planning requirements?

He gently lowers his eyes, remaining silent, but the upward curve at the corner of his lips seems to have long declared the answer.

Partiality towards someone that causes a person to break the rules is always a source of joy, and I am no exception.

It’s just that being loved can subtly give rise to greed, making it impossible to resist the temptation to seek more confirmation from him.

MC: But… didn’t you say before letting it be preserved in the passage of time is enough?

The moment my probing gaze meets the light in his eyes, everything is laid bare in his knowing smile.

LZY: Even now, I still believe that time always leaves its traces.

LZY: But you seemed so unwilling to part with this memory.

He pauses for a moment, gazing gently into my eyes.

LZY: [IN THE GENTLEST POSSIBLE TONE]  So, if you wish to seek the traces of time, I can preserve the entirety of time for you.

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【Chapter 4】 

As the sky gradually imbues with darkness, the cable car reaches the end of its journey.

The words Li Zeyan said just now still linger in my ears, filling my entire heart with elation.

His love is omnipresent, allowing me to crash into it and be embraced by it at every turn, no matter where I casually roam in this world.

I want to hurry up and bring him to the destination; I want to present him with my surprise and give him all of my heart; I want to make him as happy as I am in this moment.

With this in mind, I pull him by the hand and start running in small steps.

His question echoes from behind, sinking into the night again, but I don’t say anything, only smiling at him.

We run all the way to the river side and spot the bubble house coming into view from afar. Quietly, I press the light control switch.

The dreamlike lights embrace flowers, fine wine, swaying candles, balloons and fireworks… At this moment, my innermost feelings seem to spill onto all the existences in the world.

MC: Happy Birthday, Li Zeyan.

Saying this softly, I look up to find his gaze and see his slightly dazed eyes illuminated brightly by the flowing light. But his eyes seem to be infinitely more resplendent than the moonlight.

LZY: When it comes to creating surprises, no one can ever surpass you.

He allows me to lead him by the hand and walk into the “bubble.” Then, he watches me as I take the cake out of the mini refrigerator and light the candles.

The candle flames dance, causing those eyes that have always been fixed on me to become even softer.

Drowning in his eyes, I softly breathe out a relaxed sigh.

MC: To be honest, until I arranged everything here and set up the gifts, I wasn’t entirely sure if this would be a good venue for your birthday celebration.

MC: Upon coming back here again with you today, I suddenly realized…

MC: Perhaps, from the moment we met eighteen years ago, fate had already quietly written our today. 

MC: We just didn’t know it back then.

We didn’t know that we would lose each other, and then we would meet again after going around in circles.

We didn’t know that we would be so favored by fate, becoming such important parts of each other’s lives.

Li Zeyan, it was your appearance that made me start to believe in the existence of fate.

You’re such an incredible person that all my yearnings and adoration seem to naturally and rightfully find their way to you––

Becoming my unique and unmatched destiny.

I lift the cake towards him, as if holding my heart full of sincere wishes in my hands.

MC: The cake from the morning was pawed on by Pudding, so it could no longer shoulder the important task of making wishes.

MC: I hope this unblemished cake can hold all of your wishes.

He solemnly accepts all of my heart and sincerity, gazing at me for a long time, so long that the candle burns down another inch.

LZY: From the very first second of today, I’ve been blessed by a certain dummy with all of her heart and soul.

LZY: The old place where I met you in the past, today has given birth to new memories, all because of you.

LZY: Life wasn’t all bad before I met you.

LZY: But it wasn’t until I was constantly thought of, cared for, and loved by a certain dummy day and night that I realized the happiness fate had bestowed upon me was a million times greater than I could have ever imagined.

LZY: Once a person has known happiness, they will naturally want to preserve everything the way they are indefinitely.

LZY: This is my wish.

He gazes at me with an earnest and profound expression in his eyes, and then he blows out the candle.

MC: Hmm… although I really want to promise you this––

MC: But I’m greedier than you. I want every day of yours to be happier than the one before.

MC: I want to make you the happiest person in the whole world.

He gently lifts my hand and draws me into his arms.

LZY: You already have.

LZY: So, accompany me to an even longer and more distant future, and let’s witness the surprises fate has already written.

In a daze, my memories drift back to the day we first met when we were kids.

Just as I was certain back then that he would show up with a pudding for our rendezvous, at this moment, I am equally sure that I will accompany him to that future.

I gaze at him and nod emphatically.

Beneath the starry sky, we eat cake and drink wine, laughing and making clamors for a while, and then we just cuddle together quietly.

We let time silently slip away before our eyes, because it feels as though as long as we can be just like this, it’s enough to make us happy.

It’s not until the moon quietly shifts its position that the winter night brings with it a nip in the air.

Probably sensing that I’m a bit cold, he enfolds me in his arms, gently rubbing my hands until warmth blooms in them.

But he still appears a little uneasy, his brows creasing into a slight frown as he looks at my light clothing.

LZY: The weather is too cold; let’s go home.

MC: Since it’s a birthday celebration, it’s not considered over until the very last second.

I shake my wristwatch at him; there are still more than twenty minutes until the new day.

Probably because I’m being a bit too insistent, he can do nothing but hug me even more tightly, letting his body heat encase me.

Vaguely feeling a sound of helpless sighing on the verge of escaping above my head, I hurriedly press my finger against his lips gently.

MC: The birthday star is not allowed to sigh!

LZY: [IN THE MOST ADORABLY PLEADING TONE]  I’m worried that you might catch a cold.

MC: I’ve got a solution.

I stand on tiptoes and kiss him. Then, resorting to my old trick, I take his hand and pull him along for a run towards the outside.

MC: Let’s run around, and we’ll be warm in no time!

But this time, after being taken aback for a split second, he steps ahead and overtakes me, pulling me along and leading me to run forward.

There’s something even more enchanting beyond hugs and kisses, and that is – lovers sprinting through the silent night.

The night is so thick with darkness that it engulfs any sense of direction, and I find myself momentarily uncertain if we are running toward the past or moving forward into the future.

Or perhaps, all along, we’d constantly been running towards each other in every passing moment.

Perhaps fate is not willing to treat such a fervent and sincere love unkindly, and so in the boundless night, a winding piano pathway unfolds before us like some kind of miracle.

We both freeze for a moment, then look at each other with a hint of delight.

LZY: Walking on the same path with a dummy, I guess a person is bound to run into surprises along the way.

Stepping onto the pathway, I hear a “clink” sound, so I hop a few more steps, and suddenly, the air is filled with tinkling noises.

I turn around, smile at him, and pull him onto the pathway.

MC: The journey to becoming a grand pianist can take various forms, and the one before us right now seems like a pretty good one.

The next second, I feel a force on my lower back, and I fall into his arms.

LZY: [THE OVERWHELMING JOY IN HIS VOICE x1]  Well, in that case, dance with me.

The entire world resonates with the sounds created by us.

We hold each other tightly in an embrace, stepping on the musical notes flowing from the black and white piano keys.

As the notes intertwine, I close my eyes. Suddenly, I have the feeling as if I’m in a magnificent concert hall, playing a tacit ensemble with the person I love the most.

MC: How does it feel to have your “dreams” come true, my grand pianist?

LZY: [x2] This moment is far superior to any dreams.

MC: Then, how about allowing this moment to become a little more joyful?

As I speak, I gently lift his hand and twirl around with the dance steps.

The notes that do not form a melody fall into our hearts, giving birth to an unparalleled sense of fulfillment.

I find myself unable to resist looking at the person in front of me, only to find him gazing at me tenderly.

MC: Are you happy?

MC: I seem to only remember wishing you happiness, but I haven’t asked you yet. Are you happy?

–

Hearing the girl’s question, Li Zeyan is momentarily caught off guard.

Amid the disorderly notes, they dance with steps that keep getting tangled time and again, laughing together like two dummies.

Perhaps as long as she just stands there, her presence alone will make everything in front of him lovely, making it impossible for him not to be happy.

So, he nods.

LZY: [the overflowing joy in his tone here literally broke the last surviving barrier of my tear flood]  Hm, I’m very happy.

Happiness doesn’t seem to be that difficult. After all, thanks to her, it has become a presence that is attainable at his fingertips almost in every second of every day.

It’s just that when a person becomes accustomed to the existence of happiness, they will naturally grow reliant and insatiable.

“So, hold her hand tightly, until the end of time,” — he thinks to himself.

The girl in front of him checks the time, announcing loudly that the hour hand is about to usher in a new day.

4, 3, 2, 1–– along with the countdown, she leans into him and wishes him “Happy Birthday” for the last time today.

Almost instinctively, he leans down and kisses her.

For all the years to come, may every sunrise and nightfall be as perfect as this moment.

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【Anika’s after-notes】 

those of you who know me on twitter/X or are on the official discord server, you guys may have already seen me having multiple meltdowns on this date. so, you can imagine just how much i still have to yell and scream about lmao, but this time, i’m not gonna write a whole essay that’s what my twitter threads are for lol. it’s one of those writing that is very self explanatory, everything is at your face but in the best possible way, and leaves you little to no room for second-guessing. so, hope you enjoy this treat packed with emotions and infinite beauty, and happy crying ahah~ ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ💕

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