#i havent been to a party in so long
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i have a party to go to tomorrow and im dreading it, i spent trying on outfits and hating them all please help me
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latest ez design!!! wanted to do a small update (mostly expression practice and deciding that i, in fact, Do want her to have swallowtails)
#NEW YEAR NEW EZ (same ez)#curse of strahd#ez#life is Still Happening so still wont be posting art for a while but had to make the wife at least once#she's still not with the party and still doesn't want to hang out with us <3#strahdart#strahdposting#i havent been here for so long i forgot my own tags
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hey its @ricstarweek2024 :) !! have some slowdancing to start it off
#i got 4 planned#ricstar#ricstar fanart#rictor#shatterstar#julio richter#once again i havent posted in so long.....Life's been slightly hectic#anyway!! ricstar!!!!!!!!!!youv'e got an ALIEN whos LEARNING HOW TO LOVE and a CLOSETED GAY BOY who loves PARTIES and DIRT
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realized i painted half the environments on the first pages of chapter two in the wrong color and it kinda deflated the determination i had to push myself to get the first comic update out asap :/
#ganondoodles talks#i am so good at digging my own graves of creative failure#i can probably play with color correction but its not gonna look organic#idk i can always see that a thing wasnt painting that way in the first place bc it just doesnt fit right#(havent been able to work on anything for the past few days bc my lil brother was here and i just wanted to spend time with him)#(dont see him very often :( played the new mario party together until i couldnt stay awake anymore lol)#i am extremely caught between writing totk rant and concept art for the rewrite and ... comic stuff#i feel like the longer i dont get either done the less its gonna be worth it#and i keep flip flopping back and forth (and with depression artblock kicking my ass too) without getting anywhere#im guessing its gonna go on for so long it will either be far too little relevant anymore or my brain loses its fixation on it#i dont want it all to be yet another ambitious and forever unfinished project ...............#but i cant ever finish anything so i supposed my worry and struggle with all that is in vain anyway
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a simple qif sketch page
#im so tired man aaaa#feel like i havent drawn qif in soooo long#hes one of my go to characters for scribbles tho#a fucked up little guy#i havent been keeping up with the manga since ch60?? i think?? but i do know that shit goes down and im too scared to pick it back up ahaaa#witch hat atelier#wha#tongari boushi no atelier#tbna#qifrey#fanart#my art#hes poor little meow meow to me#and malewife and babygirl#man of many talents isnt he#stuffs him into a piñata and hangs him up at a childrens bday party#hes one of those characters i get so violent about
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going to a small nye party tomorrow and they said we can show up 'from 4.' HUH!? sure!! ill hang out at your house for 9 hours?????
#so what actually is a sensible time to show up lol like 7? IDK!#i havent been to a house party in so long and also my hair is currently RIDICULOUS
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omg the cute autistic/mutual friend at the party I was talking ab way back just moved into our building!!! I legit ran into him omw in and exchanged instas he is SO adorable and cute and I love him like I just wanna be around him so like tf I am SO HAPPY
#im not sure the post is even still up but me n my friends were just having a casual gettogether and i met him n my post was talking ab how#im glad no annoying autsitics have been introduced to me yet bc ive already met like 3 and theyre all either like#smart autistics or adorable autistics or interesting autistics and i have a crush on two of them including the cute autistic this post is ab#like im so HAPPY omg im gonna bug him so much its weird bc idk what u call the type of crush where its like im not searching for romance#but i will do anything to be in ur prescense bc i know id enjoy being friends or partners or whatever the fuck involves KNOWING YOU#idk lol#yutamayo is starting the day off right (#(its 3:47pm)#at the party we were playing Detroit Become Human anf he seems to also be a hyperfixation/skilled autistic bc he SLAYED at the game i just#enjoyed watching him speedplay at that point#and everyone was ig close enough with him to call him by a semiracist nickname bc hes indigenous n his last name wad apparently too long#so i was like NOPE and made sure to spell it out and resay it so i could say his last name properly instead of his nickname#im noy shading them bc its fine to have a close friend thing where ur able to have a joking nickname ab a characteristic like my bestie#calls me “it” sometimes and thats not something i dislike bc we KNOW each other and its the opposite of malicious intent#but yeah i wad likr nah id prefer to know how to say it#then it was like 3am anf there was only like 4ppl left n he was like yeah i gotta go bavk home to whitby apparently he was just gonna#use the electric scooters they have around town but thats like 30min away in the mf a.m#n he didnt wanna crash on our couch which isfine n everyone else was like mkay bye bc yhey wanted to sleep#n i was like NOPE and hunted down bus fare n waited with him at the bus stop for the night bus n made sure he got on it then never saw him#again#until#today#god fucking bless#*introduced to 3 autistics not 3 annoying autistics the post was ab how im gkad i havent met an annoying autistic in my buikding yet*
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Playing through the vampire ascendant storyline for Astarion has been completely wild with Vico as my tav
Not this man telling Vico to kneel before him. Please
I was worried that making him ascendant would ruin the Astarion sub vibes for me but boy is this giving me a Lot of feelings about how much Astarion needs to be put in his place
#the first time i did the long rest scene i kicked him in the balls AS HE DESERVED#the second time we got into an argument and broke up again#the third time i had to go for the middle road & refused to kneel but he stayed in the party#and then i picked the kneel option out of curiosity and immediately wanted to slap the audacity out of him#so lets just say it is giving me Content#Astarion bb you can BE a tyrant. just remember youre a tyrant on a very short leash#akjakajskssjsksk#i havent had time to write bc ive been too busy playing the game but GOD i need to write#astarion#astarion bg3#bg3#baldurs gate 3#baldur's gate 3
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maybe it's time for me to move on.............
#its been two months since the end of an eight month relationship and i havent so much as looked at a hot person in that time#i mean i've got a queer event in a couple weeks and i think thats The Place to meet someone because. realistically my gender is just-#-too complicated to date a straight girl#or a gay guy#so.#i've also learned my lesson about dating people i'm close friends with because that did not work out for me at all#really i just need like. a younger reincarnation of rafael silva to appear because he is the only person who will ever live up to my-#-obviously very high standards (i would date anyone who is morally decent and dresses nice if i thought they were interested)#while we're on this matter actually people who put no effort into how they dress is such a fucking ick#i went out to this thing a few weeks ago and there was a guy my age there and he asked me to dance (it was an Old Persons party hes a-#-family friends its a long story) but he was literally in a hoodie and i was wearing like a 400$ formal outfit#like man absolutely the fuck not this is a Nice Event why are you wearing *denim* what are you DOING#is it a bad idea to go to an event with the mindset of finding someone to be with by the way? because that is kind of how i'm thinking-#-about it but at the same time if i *dont* find anyone there that i connect with then that's fine. i mean all in good time cause at some-#-point i'm going to meet someone. i have enough faith in both my religion and my own person that i will meet someone who i like and who-#-likes me it just depends when that happens. idk i just feel like all my friends in relationships atm are dating to break up but i want to-#-find the person i'm going to marry someday. because i dont want to miss a single second with someone who will be the love of my life#ughhhhh idk#wait i just realised how long these tags are. shit i'm so single lmao#txt !!
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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honestly my biggest wonder about yesterdays drama was like... who even was that? not the person being called out, but the one calling them out. like, its one thing to make a throwaway to make a callout post, but to go on anon and try to pull unrelated people into it? this was clearly someone still in the taleblr server since they had screenshots from literally the same day in their callout
this isnt me taking sides because genuinely i have more important things to worry about than all that, but its different when it comes to this person because like... i just thought yall were different than that? maybe we all dont totally consider eachother friends entirely but i liked to think we were all somewhere around there for the most part
theres only so many of us and we all try to stay chill (to more or less success) because like... theres probably less than 100 of us left, and we're all adults by now as far as i know, and i know age doesnt really equal maturity, but its just so immature to try and stir drama by messaging unrelated parties.
honestly even if the person told me in private who they were its not like id make shit worse by posting about them or something because, again, i have bigger things to worry about, im just curious at this point. its not even an obligation for them to come forward, im just admitting that im curious.
if anything all i have to say is be the bigger person and block and move on when you dont like someone or something someone did. i get that you saw stuff that you found gross and you wanted everyone to feel the same way you did, but the rest of us just want to live our lives. plus i think the people that were messaged arent even in the discord so it was honestly even weirder to do that
ive had my fair share of seeing things that made me feel gross to see or read or know about, like, seriously i found out one of my friends was a pedo last year (and i promptly blocked the cunt). but it doesnt do anything to pull other people into the mess and try to start shit.
basically, just be more mature, cause i know yall are better than that. you dont have to read fics that you dont like, and you dont have to interact with people you dont like. your online experience is yours and the best option is always to block and move on. ive had my fair share of drama, and all it does is ruin peoples days, and not much else.
my biggest point, honestly, is that this is such a small fandom and i dont want whats left to come crashing down because some drama makes everyone left hate it here. i dont care whos right or wrong because literally whatever its internet drama, i just dont want this community to die out.
#taleblr#my post#plus about my ex-friend... im just satisfied in knowing theyre gross and insufferable enough that theyre not gonna have much luck#with relationships of any kind unless they make drastic drastic changes to themselves and their life.#and no i havent read the fic in question here because it just didnt sound like my kind of thing#and im definitely not proship but i seriously think its better to just move on#my thing is like... i dont want people writing about certain topics but i also know that i cant stop people#i dont like things that have been done on either side here which is why im not taking sides#you could argue im an unrelated party but i at least talked to the person a little bit yesterday in the server#i checked up on them after cause i was like 'oh this person i was talking to got banned i wonder what the deal was and if theyre ok'#because from our convo in the server they seemed nice even if they were a bit unknowing of the rules it seemed#and they basically just told me they wanted everyone to leave them alone. so yeah#ill leave them alone and everyone else should too and its just better for everyone to move on#im not going to make any more posts about this after mind you. i dont have asks or submissions on so the only way to contact me#is through my messages if anyone feels like it#or i guess if youre in the discord you could DM me on there too#but otherwise im not going to make any more posts because i just wanted to get this out of the way and move on with my day#i have a huge thing happening later and i dont need this weighing on my mind for it#just be more mature. just block and move on. dont be that guy that tries to bring other people into it that had nothing to do with it#and dont try to make this everyone elses problem#youre allowed to feel disgusted and angry or whatever you might be feeling. but dont make it everyone elses problem#also no i couldnt report my ex-friend because i didnt have the info and also i didnt have evidence more than them admitting to thoughts#and people cant be arrested for thoughts alone as much as you might wish they could#and also they werent ashamed of these thoughts which is why they were disgusting. they only hid them because they knew we would be#disgusted because were normal people. so anyway.#long post
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U know I'm deciding rn. If I'm still single at 30 then I am just Having a goddamn baby
#the sky speaks#can't wait around forever#like i would prefer to raise a kid with a partner. and romance sure sounds nice. but having a baby sounds nicer :/#and while having a kid kind of complicates dating or whatever. why would i personally wanna date someone who doesn't want kids 🤔#I'm not ready for one rn but I'll never be 100% ready bc no one is. but i hope by then i have a steady enough job or smthn. idk#rambling now . currently watering plants at work#have yet to see any cool bugs. too early for them. sad#OH and the animal care tech job didnt pan out but i was encouraged by both the head of department and my moms friend who is a professorThere#to keep applying bc sometimes it just takes rly rly long#my moms friends ex finally got a job there after like 8 months#so imma keep trying#thankfully i have zoo job until november#thats. life rn ig#just chillin. been playing mc lately. havent been drawing enough. still sorta have a crush on this girl at work but also shes SO annoying#OH i did an open mic and it went well :)#i went to a Party (arguably a small get together with alcohol) and didnt die (crazy for me)#and thats that on oversharing hour! thanks for tuning in
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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um lately i have been feeling so weird because my life w jonathan is great and we have nice things and money is never an issue anymore but then like.. i don't know i still feel hollow and empty and lonely and being with him doesn't really make me as happy as it once did and we are getting into arguments a little more often and i can't help but find myself getting defensive instead of trying to calmly work things out
#txt#op#i dont know whats happening i dont know how to fix this i dont know what i want from him#sometimes it feels like we are just in such different stages of our lives#maybe its the age gap finally catching up#bc he's focused on the condo and on longterm saving but i want to like. party and see my friends and spend my money on nice things for#myself n my friends even though i barely make half of what he does#money has been a big talking point lately#i havent told him about the hundreds of dollars ive been spending on my friends i just cant bring myself to#because my friends make me happy and hanging out and going to events makes me happy#but he would just tell me thst could be better spent veing saved in our joint account#which like.... idk#and of course there is the fact that i want to be touched so bad and i know i will probably not get that again from him for a long long time#ok ive said enough bye
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...
#i dunno what i planned to do today. but it wasnt spening 8am-5.30pm weighing samples#just like i didnt plant to spend 11am-6.30pm yesterday weighing samples. but sometimes the universe doesnt let u choose#mostly i feel bad that our undergrad had to do all that time with me when she has all her class work as well and#like i dont care abt the project and ive been with it every step of the way. it was nice talking with her tho#fucking exhausting bc i talked the ENTIRE TIME bc i cant handle lulls in conversation. but ive been assured im not annoying so whatever#god. my boss asked me yesterday if id gotten to relax this last week and its like. i mean compared to the fucking month ive had? yes#but probably not by the standards of a normal person. i definitely havent been getting enough sleep#and tomorrow i habe to go in at 8 and in theory im supposed to go to a retirement party tomorrow at noon#and the guy is a rambler so who knos how long ill b there. and im already socially drained. thrn monday i should start with my other#project again. but i habe to check the machine and im just gonna have to go full on no breaks until mid may#so whej will i get a break? in theory after may 14th. so fucking frustrating#and im not mad at anyone specifically. i just hate this project and cant wait to quit and move#so now im gonna fucking draw more too earnest narut0 fanart and avoid the things i should b doing#bc im fuckine exhausted. literally i was standinf from 9.30 to 3pm with not breaks bc idk i didnt look at the time#and im not running today apparently bc im too tired and the sun is gonna set in 20min >:-[#ay ay ay. 2023 my year of hatred and rage#wah. i don't wanna drive tomorrow 😫#unrelated
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⛈️ //
#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing#so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.#anyway… just… …#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired#ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this#but i have to just. deal with.#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them#to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation#im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well#& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins#joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.
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