#i have severe weather anxiety and this is me coping

[r0achinfested]

lolz

[burntoutvibin]

Miluji tě víc (I love you more)

Blinking the sleep out of his eyes he stared over at the clock, the red numbers glaring back at him "4:30 AM". With a stretch, his back protesting at the movement, Viktor reached over to grab his phone which was face down on the desk.

Once the device's screen lit up, the odd feeling that had woken him quickly became clear as his eyes scanned over the several notifications on his home screen.

Jayce 10 missed calls Jayce 12 unread messages

Or

Jayce's PTSD surrounding the snow and Viktor being the best boyfriend he possibly can be

Words: 2.3k

Warnings: Mentions of PTSD, panic attacks

------------------------------------

Viktor wasn't sure what woke him from his fitful sleep, sure his desk hadn't been the most comfortable place to have fallen asleep but it certainly wasn't the first time the wooden surface had become a make shift bed. No, something else had woken him up, something he couldn't place his finger on yet, an odd feeling at the back of his brain, the feeling that something was off.

Blinking the sleep out of his eyes he stared over at the clock, the red numbers glaring back at him

"4:30 AM"

With a stretch, his back protesting at the movement, Viktor reached over to grab his phone which was face down on the desk.

Once the device's screen lit up, the odd feeling that had woken him quickly became clear as his eyes scanned over the several notifications on his home screen.

Jayce 10 missed calls Jayce 12 unread messages

Dread settled in his bones as he quickly unlocked his phone, rushing to check the 3 voicemails that had been left by his partner seven hours prior, how had he not heard his phone? Was he truly that asleep.

Placing the phone on loudspeaker, Jayce's voice met his ears as the first voicemail started to play

"Hey V... I uh, I know it's late but it's getting... getting bad out and I just wanted to uh check on you, make sure you were alright and all... anyway give me a call if you can" His voice was laced with anxiety and he sounded unsettled.

"Bad out...?" Viktor mumbled to himself, brows furrowing in confusion for a moment before his partner's words dawned on him.

Snow

There was a chance for snow in Piltover over the next few days, the two of them had planned on being together just in case for Jayce's sake but it seemed as if the snow had other plans and had come early.

Viktor blindly grabbed around for his crutch as he pressed on the second voicemail, nerves beginning to thrum in his veins not knowing how his partner would be coping currently, if he was even coping at all.

"Vik, Vik it's not good, it's getting loud and-and I don't know if I can" Jayce's breath hitched and it sounded as if he attempting to choke back a sob "Pl-Please call me back, please"

The Zaunite swore under his breath as he continued to stumble around his own apartment, preparing to leave as soon as possible and make the trek to Jayce's apartment, weather outside be damned, Jayce needed him and he needed him now.

Grabbing his keys, his shaking thumb pressed over the last voicemail as he headed out the door, his crutch crunching in the snow as he began to walk as fast as his leg would allow him.

The voicemail opened with Jayce's panicked breaths coming through the phone, sending pain directly to Viktor's heart.

"Viktor, Viktor please please please answer I can't I can't do it oh god I-" Jayce was fully hyperventilating and sounded beyond distraught "I'm going to die we're going to die Vik I'm sorry I'm so sorry I can't save-" there was a loud thump and a strangled cry from the other end of the phone before the message cut off, leaving Viktor with a terrible sick feeling down in his stomach. His cold fingers stumbled to find Jayce's number, calling his partner as he continued to speed walk through the piled-up snow, this leg aching in protest at the strain.

Much to his dismay, Jayce's phone rang out and went to voicemail which meant one of two things.

1: His partner was too panicked to answer the phone 2: Jayce wasn't near his phone, possibly meaning he'd left the house in a panic

Thankfully, Viktor was nearing Jayce's apartment building rapidly and would soon be able to see for himself. Pocketing his phone, he hurried his strides slightly closing the gap between himself and Jayce as soon as he could.

A small bit of relief washed over Viktor seeing that Jayce's door was still shut and locked, meaning his partner had not left his home in his panicked state. With shaky fingers, Viktor grabbed his spare key that Jayce had given to him and slotted it into the lock, gently opening the door as to not scare his partner futher.

Stepping into the threshold of Jayce's apartment, somehow the temperature seemed colder then the still snow outside. The entire apartment was dark, lacking any lights and none of it's usual warmth and comforting atmosphere.

"Jayce? Moje lásko where are you?" Viktor called out gently into the apartment, heading towards to the AC controls to begin warming the space up.

A soft strangled noise came from Jayce's bedroom, setting Viktor's path directly to that room. Gently as possible, Viktor pushed open the door with his heart in his throat as to what would be on the other side of the door.

The first thing that he noticed was Jayce's set of drawers had been knocked over, that may have been the source of the crashing noise in the last voicemail. The rest of the room was in disarray due to what looked like a panicked stumbling.

Finally, Viktor's eyes zeroed in on Jayce's trembling form in the corner, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. The taller man was curled up tightly on his side, his head hidden against his knees as his arms braced over his head, harsh and hurried breathing muffled by his knees.

Viktor quickly rushed to his partner's side, grabbing a blanket along the way to drape over Jayce's body knowing that feeling cold would only further make him feel afraid.

"Jayce, Jayce miláčku I'm here now it's alright, I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner" Viktor kept his voice soft but steady, placing a gentle hand on Jayce's messily tousled hair, he had most likely ran his hands through it many times whilst beginning to panic.

The taller man didn't seem to react to his presence, continuing to hyperventilate and mumble under his breath, causing panic of his own to start weighing heavy in his chest, was he too late? Was Jayce too far in his own head for Viktor to be able to help him? Did he need to call an ambulance?

No.

No, Jayce was his partner, his companion, his lover

He could take care of him, they had each other's backs and he would not abandon him now.

Placing his crutch on the ground, Viktor shuffled himself to lay down opposite Jayce on the floor, ignoring the way his brace dug into his side as he collected Jayce's trembling form into his arms, wrapping the blanket around the two of them tightly. Jayce whimpered slightly at the contact.

"Shhh, easy má drahá, I've got you, it's alright, I will keep you safe, come back to me" Viktor breathed, beginning to gently run his hand up and down the notches of Jayce's spine, the other hand coming to cradle Jayce's head to his chest.

The two laid together on the floor for a while, Viktor murmuring tender words into Jayce's ear as he attempted to bring his lover out of his own head, back into the present moment with him, safe, secured, loved

Viktor watched as Jayce's arms slowly came down from bracing over his head to cling onto Viktor's shirt. Progress, small but it was still progress.

"Good job moje lásko, you're safe with me, I will protect you" Viktor pressed a soft kiss to the crown of Jayce's head

Jayce's voice came quiet and broken against Viktor's chest "Snow..." his grip tightened against the fabric.

"I will keep you warm, you are safe with me, we are safe together" Viktor reassured

Jayce’s body began to relax slowly, his legs moving away from his chest and his grip on Viktor’s shirt loosening slightly, his breathing and shaking were still too fast to be considered normal.

Jayce's face pulled away slightly from Viktor’s chest, his yellow eyes still swimming with unshed tears as he searched Viktor's face desperately.

“There you are” Viktor said softly, coming to cup his partner's cheek and allowing the other to lean into the contact.

“V… I'm s-so cold, I don't wanna freeze… please” Jayce all but begged, causing Viktor's heart to wrench.

Tightening his arms around Jayce, Viktor shook his head “I won't let you freeze lásko, I can keep us both warm, can you take a deep breath for me” Viktor questioned, bringing one of Jayce’s large hands to rest over his chest, allowing him to feel the rise and fall of his own breath. Viktor took an exaggerated inhale through his nose, keeping his palm over Jayce's hand to help him focus.

Jayce attempted to take a deep breath to match Viktor's, his breath shaking with effort after hyperventilating for so long.

"And breathe out, there you go lásko, wonderful job just keep breathing like that, we are safe" Viktor allowed a small sense of relief to fill his chest as Jayce continued to match his breathing. Peace surrounded the two as they breathed together, Jayce's body becoming less tense and shaking less with each exhale.

Eventually, Jayce's grip on his shirt loosened as he snaked his arms around Viktor's waist to hold him closer, placing his head underneath the smaller man's chin. Viktor sighed softly and turned his head to place his cheek against Jayce's soft and unruly hair.

"How are you feeling now?" Viktor asked gently, not stopping his caressing of Jayce's back. Jayce nodded against Viktor's throat as he spoke in a croaky voice.

"I'm okay... we're okay" He sounded as if he was reassuring himself but that was enough for Viktor, Jayce was back with him.

"We are, I'll always keep you safe, Jayce"

The pair stayed laid on the floor for a little while longer before Jayce pulled his head away from Viktor's neck, his eyes no longer wet with tears but now looking exhausted and half closed, clearly the PTSD episode had taken it out of him.

"How about we get into bed? It's still rather early and you look like you need a good rest" Viktor offered doubting Jayce would protest much.

"Yeah, yeah that sounds good... lemme help" Jayce mumbled with a small yawn as he sat up, hands automatically going to help Viktor up off the floor. Much to Viktor's surprise, however, the taller man placed an arm around his waist and the other scooping under his legs to lift him up bridal style.

"Jayce no you're exhausted I can-"

"No" Jayce responded in a firm mumble, causing a small snort of laughter to leave Viktor

"You're a stubborn, stubborn man" Viktor rolled his eyes as he placed a hand against Jayce's cheek, even when he was beyond exhausted he was still as gentlemanly as ever.

Viktor allowed Jayce to lift him up onto the bed, being placed down as gently as ever before Jayce moved to help ease Viktor's leg out of his brace.

"We can leave that for the morning lásko" Viktor attempted to bargain with his exhausted lover, only for Jayce to look at him with the grumpiest look an exhausted man could muster.

"You'll be sore, I'm doing it" he shook his head and kept working at the straps and buckles holding the brace together. Viktor sighed and rolled his eyes, his own hands moving down to begin undoing his back brace. Jayce was right, he would be sore in the morning if he slept in his braces, but it was a small price he would be willing to pay to let Jayce rest, his partner clearly didn't agree with his sentiment.

It didn't take long for both of the braces to come loose, Jayce placing them next to the bed as he moved to lay next to Viktor, quickly slotting himself against his side. Viktor's hands automatically moved to begin brushing over Jayce's hair once more.

It was silent for a moment before Jayce spoke in a soft voice "I'm sorry..."

"Do not apologize Jayce"

"But-"

"I said don't, Talis, none of this is your fault we have been over this" Viktor stated firmly, his grip on Jayce's shoulder tightening in emphasis to his words, the latter sighing against his neck.

"I don't know why it's so bad... I shouldn't panic like that"

"As far as I'm aware Jayce, you don't choose to start panicking, you have PTSD"

"I know... I hate it" Jayce mumbled against his shoulder, Viktor feeling him curl in on himself slightly against his side. Viktor shook his head softly as he placed a hand under Jayce's chin, forcing him to look up at him a mixture of lingering anxiety and shame met his gaze.

"Můj poklad, you are so strong and you have nothing to be ashamed of, you went through something traumatic and needing support does not make you weak" His lips pressed softly against Jayce's forehead "I am here, I am not leaving, you are můj chránit a opatrovat" Jayce hummed with a content sigh, his eyes falling closed

"I have no idea what that means... but I'm sure it's so romantic... sweet talker..." Jayce mumbled contently, sleep beginning to pull him under making Viktor smile

"I could say anything to you right now and you'd think it's sweet, zelí" he teased running a finger over Jayce's cheek that was now smushed against his bare chest.

"Yeah... sure..." his partner continued, Viktor had to hold back a laugh so as to not disturb Jayce's beginnings of peaceful rest.

"Sladké mléko, vejce, chléb, káva, kterou má Jayce rád" Viktor whispered in a calming tone, still attempting not to laugh as Jayce fell deeper into his slumber as he listed off his shopping list.

"Takye te milujo" Jayce snuffled in broken Czech, causing Viktor's heart to swell with a warm feeling hearing his native language come from his partner's mouth, despite Jayce's mispronunciation.

"Miluji tě víc"

---------------------------

I haven't written in many many years... so I do apologize for how rusty I am ♥

Comments make my heart happy ♥

Translations:

Moje lásko: My love Miláčku: Darling Má drahá: My dear Lásko: Love Můj poklad: My treasure Můj chránit a opatrovat: Mine to protect and cherish Zelí: Cabbage Sladké mléko, vejce, chléb, káva, kterou má Jayce rád: Sweet milk, eggs, bread, coffee that Jayce likes Takye te milujo: I love you too (not spelt correctly, Jayce is trying his best okay) Miluji tě víc: I love you more

(I apologize for any mistakes ♥) Find me on AO3 ♥ https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnoutVibin

[echo-goes-mmm]

Ambrose and Elliot #20

Masterpost

Previous

Next

Warnings: briefly mentioned past torture

Ambrose said snow would be falling soon, and Elliot was terrified. The weather was colder here than his old master’s land. The wood floors wouldn’t be so bad when winter came, but snow was snow and snow was deadly.

Once, his old master had thrown him outside as a punishment. He nearly died from the cold and ice, and had to beg until he passed out to be let back in. The doctor said it was a miracle of the gods he hadn’t lost any fingers or toes. 

Elliot had more clothes than he’d ever had in his life now, but would it be enough?

He had two blankets, woolen socks, gloves and mittens, a great big coat, everything. But the fluttering hollow of anxiety inside him wasn’t satisfied. 

He got up early, before dawn, to sneak wood into his room. Ambrose didn’t come in often, so he hopefully wouldn’t notice the pile of extra wood in the corner.

What else would he need? 

Elliot remembered the tiny closet his old master locked him in. It was the best place to be in that horrible house when snow fell. It warmed him up because it was so little and stuffy. Ambrose didn’t have a closet that was both big enough for him to sit in and small enough to trap heat.

Elliot stole a blanket from the linen closet and lined his wardrobe with it. If it got cold enough, he could hide from winter inside it.

He began to squirrel away food and water under his bed. It was bad of him, but he needed it. He couldn’t take another winter hungry and freezing. Elliot had gotten two glass jugs and filled them with water. He also wrapped up some smoked and salted pork Ambrose had stored away downstairs. He tucked several apples into a small sack, and stole a jar of pickled veggies and a tin of nuts from the storeroom. Master Ambrose had made dozens of jars and had been smoking and salting meat for ages. He wouldn’t notice anything wrong. 

___________________

Elliot thought he was being sneaky, but Ambrose knew something was off right away. It just took him a few days to figure it out. 

He was going to use those two jugs to make mead, but oh well. Elliot’s little stash was all shelf-stable, so he wasn’t going to discourage him. 

The wood wasn’t a problem either. In all honesty, Ambrose probably should do the same thing. It would save him a lot of trips outside.

Ambrose didn’t have to wonder for long why Elliot was so twitchy lately. He kept glancing out the window at the sky, poking around in the fireplaces, making hot drinks and steaming meals.

He didn’t want to think about why Elliot was so scared of the cold. Ambrose was certain it stemmed from something horrible. Elliot’s quirks were almost always some coping mechanism to avoid pain.

Ambrose didn’t know how cold it would get this year. But Elliot would be fine, even without his secret cache of food. He wasn’t going to try and talk him out of his fear, it didn’t work like that. Winter would always have some level of danger, so there was no use reasoning with him. Ambrose could only hope Elliot would relax when he realized he would be alright.

___________________

The snow fell down gently, in large flakes. It was pretty, but the bubbling anxiety in his chest kept him from watching for long. He got through his chores as quickly as possible and retreated to his bedroom.

He closed the curtains. He didn’t want to see the proof of winter looming outside. The room was warm and toasty and he was content to curl up and wait. If he had to spend all season in here, then so be it.

“Sweetheart,” called Master from behind the door, “I made some hot chocolate. I’m going to toast some marshmallows downstairs. You can join me if you want.”

Hm. That did sound pretty nice. He pulled a blanket over his shoulders and peeked out into the hall. It didn’t seem cold. 

He made his way downstairs, and there was a roaring fire in the dining room fireplace. Ambrose waved at him from a chair sat in front of the fire. He felt a little more settled, and he eyed the steaming mugs of hot chocolate and the tray of cheese and crackers. 

Ambrose was, in fact, toasting marshmallows. He ate one right off the stick, and Elliot found himself smiling as he went to sit next to him.

Ambrose handed him a prepared stick with a marshmallow on it. It was fun to toast them, and Ambrose showed him he could plop one into his mug and it would get all melt-y.

It was pretty hard to remember how scared he was when they were eating snacks and sipping on sweet drinks all afternoon. 

Maybe winter wouldn't be so bad this year.

taglist: @cupcakes-and-pain @secretwhumplair @paintedpigeon1 @whump-blog @whump-em @thingsthatgowhumpinthenight @starfields08000 @littlespacecastle @mylovelyme @whump-cravings @zeewbee @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @keepingwhumpwiththekardashians @fanastyfinder @roblingoblin285 @whumpzone

[mallorykeen]

Riordanverse Fic Masterpost

Last Updated: 7/2/25

Ongoing Wips

Great the Roman LAST UPDATED: 1/2/25

His mom was taking an awfully long time. And those howls sounded closer. And more animalistic.It was so quick that he nearly missed it but there was a scream, high pitched and feminine. Oh no. Magnus ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time while camping with his mom, he accidentally gets recruited as a "Roman" demigod by Lupa.

Completed Multichapters

caledonia

Magnus runs away with Annabeth to Camp Half-Blood.

caledonia valhalla au

Magnus dies on Half-Blood Hill. He ends up in Valhalla.

And He Will Be Pharaoh

Carter's last week before he becomes Pharaoh.

straight for the castle

One day, while on the streets, Magnus wanders into another world.

Gross Old Weapons, Home-Grown Orchids and Family Drama: A Guide

Magnus and Alex have nearly finished doing over the Chase Mansion into the Chase Space, Annabeth is reconnecting with her father, stepmother and mortal half-siblings while slightly pining for her roommate in denial, Randolph is coping with having to move out, Frederick and Helen are desperate to connect with Annabeth and Samirah and Amir are there for the drama.

A Conversation Between Us

Jadie songfic series based off of A Conversation Between Us (2019) by Small Talks

unprecedented weather event

Poseidon finds out about Tartarus. He takes Percy away.

don't wave no goodbye

It had been a slow morning. Quiet, freezing, noisy Until some weird dude came crashing down from the sky. Magnus wasn’t being facetious there either. He had just been sitting there, trying to stay warm in his extremely thin sleeping bag when a teenager just crashed into a dumpster. On fire? Or maybe that was a trick of the light. Magnus happens to be in the alley when Apollo lands on earth. Here's what happens next.

Completed Events

Sapphic Summer Riordanverse 2021

MCGA Week 2021

Sapphic Summer Riordanverse 2022

Sapphic Summer Riordanverse 2023

PJO TV Show Countdown

Riordanverse Flash Fic Fridays

ToApril 2024

Lavinia Asimov Week 2024

MCGA Week 2024

Sapphic Summer Riordanverse 2024

Riordanverse Gen Week 2024

Riordanverse Flash Fic Fridays 2025

Oneshots

Piper McLean Centric

mom, am i still young? (can i dream for a few months more?)

Five minutes later, Jason was on the beach. Still. Unmoving. But not dead. He couldn't be dead. Piper's thoughts immediately after Jason's death.

Champagne Problems

Piper and Jason break up.

Chase Cousins

take me to your best friend's house (oh yeah)

Annabeth thought that was really cryptic but gods always were, weren’t they, cryptic and rarely helpful. After the explosion at Mount St Helens, Annabeth ends up in Boston instead of back at camp.

get down on your hands and knees and pray

Annabeth had now gotten to her feet and was running over. Whether to embrace him or tackle him, Magnus didn’t know but he stayed there, feet frozen to the floor, immobile. "Magnus? Magnus! How - I knew you weren’t dead! I knew it." And now he was getting hugged. Great. Oneshot of Magnus crashing his funeral instead of his visitation.

runs in the family

Three times Annabeth and Magnus were like siblings and one time they actually were.

returned, recalled

Two items show up in Magnus' room one day. A laptop and a dagger.

you've got mail

Five times Magnus sent something weird by raven mail and one time Annabeth sent a reply.

the end of the world as we know it

Magnus and Annabeth go on a roadtrip. They end up with a completely new vehicle, having experienced several explosions, and a goat. It's somehow Randolph's fault.

Thalia Grace Centric

mom, i'll be quiet (it would just be to sleep at night)

Thalia bit her lip, she really didn’t want to be having this conversation. Couldn’t it wait a few centuries until she’d rid herself of those coils of guilt, anxiety and anger, festering in her stomach, that came out to play every time her past was brought up? Artemis asks Thalia about her past.

bury the burden, baby, make us proud

Thalia is back. She isn't sure what she has to come back to. or: metamorphasis is a key trope of greek and roman mythology, but it rarely involves the return of a person, and with no precedent to follow, what do you do?

Gunilla/Mallory Keen

from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow

Mallory and Gunilla go on a date in March 1990 She led the way down the corridor. She really hoped it was going to work, otherwise this was going to be plain embarrassing. Being in Valhalla since 1612 meant she knew quite a bit about the hotel already. That combined with her role as the Captain of the Valkyries and a Thane, well it wouldn’t be good if the Hotel fucked up for her.

dinosaurs, dinosaurs fell in love (but they didn't say goodbye)

Mallory in the aftermath of Gunilla's death.

Piper McLean/Shel

i'll make you a constellation (you're a star in my eyes)

Shel and Piper stargazing on her roof.

La rivière est profonde (S'y noyer avec toi pourrait être adéqua)

It was helpless, she couldn't do anything but wait. Either for Piper to return or for her body to be found. When Piper has to fight a monster, Shel gets worried.

you're coming back (and it's the end of the world)

Piper gets into an accident with a monster.

so tell me why my gods look like you (and tell me why it's wrong)

On your sixteenth birthday, your reflection is that of your soulmate. Piper doesn't see Jason (Shelper)

Alex Fierro/Magnus Chase

walk me down the old brick road (so i can die where i met you)

He turned to Magnus, green hair flying in the wind, “I love you!” Magnus and Alex at the beginning of the twilight of the gods.

i turn my head to meet your sunkissed face

"I love summer.” “It’s so hot I think I’ve literally descended into hell and Satan himself force feeding me volcanic lava,” Little slice of life from Magnus and Alex

oh but everybody talks

Everytime your soulmate hears a song, you can hear it too: fierrochase.

Stargazing

Alex drags Magnus out of his bed in the middle of the night.

Five More Minutes

Alex and Magnus get stranded and go and stay in a hotel.

give anything to miss you again

Alex survives Ragnarok. Magnus does not.

Pink

Magnus dyes his hair.

and my hands were reaching back for you

Magnus is gone. Alex refuses to accept that.

Magnus Chase Centric

blessings of a child

Athena gives Magnus her blessing.

california dreaming on such a winter's day

Magnus struggles with S.A.D. His friends help.

Carter Kane/Zia Rashid

we are almost home (almost home)

Carter's on his last uber run of the night when Zia falls asleep in his backseat.

Clarisse La Rue/Silena Beauregard

there were chains, so I loved you

Clarisse and Silena. Silena and Clarisse. Clarisse without Silena.

Won't Cross Any Lines

They both want more than this (Ruegard).

and i am the idiot with the painted face

After an incident during Capture the Flag, Clarisse and Silena are punished together. They begin to understand each other better.

hold me at the end of a knife (i'll show you what true love looks like)

Silena has a question for Clarisse. Clarisse has the exact same one for Silena.

that i fell hard in your arms (i went and died inside your arms tonight)

Silena dies. Clarisse follows. Neither of them end up where they were expecting to be.

feel more free than i have in years (six feet in the ground)

Silena dies in the Battle of Manhattan. She wakes back up at Camp Half-Blood.

Josephine/Hemithea

Staring

Emmie notices that the new hunter stares at her a lot.

Magnus Chase & Samirah al-Abbas

old friends

AU w.here Magnus and Samirah do actually know each other pre valhalla.

Octavian Centric

i've been watching him for my entire life; i hate the air he breathes

Octavian goes to a meeting with his sponsors, the Triumvirate.

Jason Grace/Percy Jackson

enough of this stuff (it's friday, i'm in love)

After a one-night stand, Jason's forgotten that he's got a drivers test.

Samirah al-Abbas Centric

oh wow, sports

Samirah joins a soccer team.

Artemis/Zoe Nightshade

i'd be the voice that urged orpheus (when her body was found)

Artemis relives Zoe's death three times.

Rachel Elizabeth Dare/Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano

Library Card

Rachel needs a new library card and develops a crush on the librarian: Annabeth.

Annabeth Chase/Piper McLean

It's Always Colder On Your Own

Annabeth and Piper get snowed in together.

in the tide of her breathing

Annabeth dies. Piper (tries to) cope

Halfborn Gunderson/Thomas Jefferson Jr

Forehead Kisses and Late Night Dates

TJ and Halfborn get woken up in the middle of the night by their baby.

Drew Tanaka/Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano

My Flowers Bloom Around You

When Drew meets Reyna for the first time, she begins to develop a cough.

Drew Tanaka/Billie Ng

And They Were Roommates

Oh my god they were roommates. Drew develops a crush on her roommate. Whom she hates. Kind of

Jason Grace & Thalia Grace

there's a million roads to rediscover

Five times Jason missed his sister, and one time he saw her again.

Dionysus & Percy Jackson

water into wine

Dionysus accidentally claims Percy. They both take advantage of it. (five times percy was the son of dionysus and one time he was the son of poseidon)

Apollo & Meg McCaffrey

the feeling came late (i'm still glad i met you)

The problem with a mortal being friends with an immortal, in part, was that their lifespans never lined up.

Hall Nineteen

in the business of misery

Floor 63 creates something horrible. Hall 19 have to deal with it.

Piper McLean/Hazel Levesque

two sides of the same coin

You already know this story. It was always going to end the same way. Even now.

(pipazel bbc merlin au)

Annabeth Chase/Rachel Elizabeth Dare

Ultraviolet

Rachel. Annabeth. and Colours.

Annabeth Chase/Percy Jackson

the silt of our wedding bed. the ashes of our lethykoi

Percy and Annabeth come out of Tartarus. They're in bad shape (major character death).

Leo Valdez/Jason Grace

any way the wind blows

Leo tries his best. It's still never enough. what, then could Jason complain of, except that he had been loved?

Annabeth Chase & Tyson

blue brick

Annabeth and Tyson make Percy's birthday cake.

Charles Beckendorf & Percy Jackson

dog days aren't over yet

Beckendorf and Percy walk Mrs O'Leary in the woods.

Clarisse La Rue & Percy Jackson

tofu and chickpeas

Percy can't stand meat after the Battle of Manhattan. Neither can Clarisse.

Percy Jackson & Sally Jackson

mom i'm tired (can i sleep in your house tonight)

Percy comes to his mom's front doors ten years after he's last seen her.

hollow needle

rating: general audiences

no archive warnings apply

category: f/f

relationship: gunilla/mallory keen

characters: gunilla (magnus chase), mallory keen

tags: alternate universe - canon divergence, post the sword of summer (magnus chase)

gunilla survives the battle with fenris. she visits mallory's room.

[nattousan]

iirc u said you got a new job, what do you do for work now?

do you ever get anxious while working? fi so how do you cope/make the anxiety go away?

so because i have an art background and my sister recommended me, i'm a labtech at [CHAIN DENTURE MAKING STORE]! And, despite having no background in dentistry, they hired me because i have experience sculpting and making molds, as well as just having a generally amicable and teachable attitude. Its cool because a lot of the skills i developed making sculptures have translated very literally into my work making dentures! Which has allowed me a confidence that means that I actually don't experience any anxiety at work. It's like if you were a prolific smashbros player and nintendo suddenly asked you if you want to be a beta tester haha.

Also your timing is perfect anon bc while I don't personally have anxiety, my partner struggles heavily with it, to the point where they had to take medical leave from work. Idk if you already have a job or are looking but from observing them and my own experience, here's some general tips i can offer you:

- anxiety is a confidence killer, the endless fear and "what-ifs" can be paralyzing, seek out work that you know you can do good in, even if it's not your passion. I'll be honest i never thought about dentistry as a career but im using skills that i'm confident in and im allowing myself to ask questions when i don't know things bc thats what the trainers are there for.

- any sort of "i'm useless, i'm a burden, no one will hire me" self talk is literally your anxiety talking and is of the devil. don't listen to it. you gotta separate your anxious brain from your logical brain and assess uncritically what u bring to the table, are you good at organizing? can you work a spread sheet? do you find cleaning things soothing and satisfying? you gotta tailor your job search to your individual proclivities instead of applying to any random listing you see.

- if you already have a job thats giving you anxiety ask yourself two questions: what specifically about this job is giving me anxiety and can i do anything to avoid/correct it? maybe talk to a supervisor about your triggers and what youre feeling, if they're a good supervisor they'll try and work with you, if you get told to suck it up buttercup thats part of the job, welp, start looking for other places to work.

- PLEASE please PLEASE ask for help!!! at least in my partners case, they initially thought they had to go it alone and weather the job search process on their own but when i tell you there was a whole ass career center with COUNSELORS just waiting to help people find jobs, i'm not kidding! there are resources out there !! USE THEM!! YOU DESERVE TO BE HELPED!! check out your local community college or library to see if they have a career center! Mine does and it opened me up to several trade grants i didn't know about! THEY HAVE THE RESOURCES!! GO USE THEM!

- last and probably hardest for anxious people, you gotta find a way to stop giving a fuck about what people think of you! self confidence stems from within and when you're confident people can pick up on it and are more likely to trust you with things and hire you for things. Even if its a fake confidence! nothing has helped me more out in life is me just doing things because "eh, i got this, i'm sure it'll work out in the end" you gotta actively embrace failure as not a world ending event but a part of the process forward.

if you wanna send me another message about the specifics of your situation i'd be happy to tailor my advice but these are a few of the basics i guess. Like i said, I don't have anxiety but am very close to someone who does and hooboy i do not envy y'all. stay strong, soldier 🫡

[puppiesplayhouse]

🐶ａｂｏｕｔ ｍｅ🐶

💫-Big age 22

💫-pronouns he/she im gender fluid when I’m not

little

💫- interests of mine: video games :3

I play overwatch,

mariokart, it takes two, farcry, dead by daylight

💫-I have severe general anxiety, depression, trauma and autism (this is my coping mechanism after five years of looking for a therapist for so many issues I found one before recently someone asks)

💫-tone tags aren’t usually needed for me and I may

come off rough at times

💫-I suffer from migraines as well and don’t have

very good health overall so my responses are slow and typing isn’t my strong suit

💫-im hoping despite my weak health I can be a

Doctor or help doing something medical hands on!

🎀ｌｉｋｅｓ& ｄｉｓｌｉｋｅｓ🎀

ｌｉｋｅｓ

🧸Stuffies!! Theyre a huge comfort to me all

the time.

🧸Animal: Bears!! Especially pandas but I love kitties too.

🧸Drawing: I love drawing my furry oc Puppie when I have motivation and able to! I do furries and horsies

🧸Sensory toys! Slime is my favorite to play with

🧸Food: chicken nuggies is my favorite to eat with choccy shakes

🧸Colors: pastels/black &teal

🧸Song genre: hyperpop/Electronic

🧸Fandoms I’m in : Hazbin Hotel, Star Wars, Furry, Marvel, Furry, Mlp

🧸Favorite movie: Ratatouille

ｄｉｓｌｉｋｅｓ

🫧Food: Veggies

🫧Color: yellow

🫧Weather: Summer

🫧Loud noises

🫧Animal: Butterflies

🧸ｌｉｔｔｌｅ ｍｅ🧸

🌸 Little Age: 3-4

🌸pronouns: she/ her

🌸interests : Coloring, making tea parties!! Pretend

cooking, stickers , dress up, dollhouse, playing doctor , pretend princess, bubble baths, Pacifier (I’d love to show you all depending how well this goes!)

🌸I have an mlp little oc just for when i regress and

want to color! Her name is lullaby c:

🖍ｌｉｔｔｌｅ ｌｉｋｅｓ &ｄｉｓｌｉｋｅｓ🖍

ｌｉｋｅｓ

🐇cartoon: Max&Ruby, Blues Clues (the older ones),

Bluey, Oswald, Oobi, Backyardigans, Maggie & The ferocious Beast, Curious George, Miffy and Friends, Dora, 64 Zoo Lane, Baby Looney Tunes

🐇Song: Dora The Explorer theme song or The backyardigans theme song

🐇Color: Pastel Pink

🐇Animal: Bunnies

🐇Soft fuzzy things! Like fleece blankie or stuffies

🐇Soft voices are so soothing princess songs from snow white are soo calming

🐇Food: crackers and juice or warm milk with

cinnamon

🐇disney movie: Moana &Tangled

🐇favorite Disney princess: Snow White

🐇Audio bedtime stories: Rainy Day Audios

🐇book: Goldilocks and the three bears

🐇song: Hawaiin rollercoaster

ｄｉｓｌｉｋｅｓ

👑-Loud sounds and voices

👑-NAPS

👑-having to do certain things

👑- Having to try new things

ｐｌｅａｓｅ ｄｎｉ

If you support/are : AbleisM , r4cism, ped øphilia, ddlG , anti-agere ,sExism, anti Lg bt,etc

Thankies to anyone who read this far here’s a cookie or a bottle :3

🍪🍼

[blahhhh-dead]

Haha story time: TW! Venting about my shit life lmao :p

I was separated from my class for most of elementary school and given no recess at any time in the day. Instead I was told to redo the same page of long division over and over till I got it right while sitting beside the most disgusting dudes that are no doubt creeps now.

In middle school I went to a charter school that forced nationalism and conservative agendas. At that point I had a counselor but no one diagnosed me with anything because I "seemed fine". The teachers would disclose my medical history willy nilly and never made any real accommodations even though I tried to advocate for my quiet self at age 11.

I became extremely depressed and suffered with severe apathy and passive suicidal ideations choosing to stay in my bed and ignore hunger or anything else. I was the only one trying to help myself and felt extremely alone. I often wished I could go to sleep forever and imagine how cool the after life must be. Started maladaptive daydreaming to cope.

Once I heard a rumor about the school janitor that mind you WAS IN CHARGE OF THREE OF THE SCHOOL ELECTIVES. I asked the actual PRINCIPAL, she told me it was fake and made up. Not long after I left that janitor was arrested as a p3d0. Exactly what I'd heard from that rumor.

High-school I was only diagnosed with anxiety and OCD but nothing else. The school was too small to have so many kids making the halls packed and hard to navigate for the first time. The teachers didn't care and never knew what was happening so I was always confused.

I wore face masks to keep warm from cold weather and avoid being perceived only to be told I had to take them off and see my full face. Surprise surprise half a year later covid forced quarantine.

Several students were openly racist, homophobic and harassed girls but nothing was really done. Yet when I played my dumb anime game on my phone under my desk to cope with anxiety I was immediately found out and berated for it.

My anxiety was so bad I felt phsycal pain and struggled to sleep every single night before school. I was so exhausted I barely managed to retain any information or even stay awake most days.

The only female friend I ever had started telling rumors about me behind my back even though all I ever did was be nice and listen to her problems. My only long term friends at the time slowly drifted away then the moment they found a reason too they started an argument and I blocked them both.

I barely made it past freshman year. By the end I transferred to a home study school and segregated myself from everyone I had known at the time. I also started needing guidance medication because the phsycal discomfort from anxiety was had grown too strong and kept me magically spiraling all the time.

The charter school housed a teacher that deliberately sabotaged my autistic younger sister because she didn't seem autistic enough to actually need help. They kicked her out of the school and made my mother cry. I finally stopped maladaptive daydreaming at least.

Graduated with barely enough credits to get by and was on a few different pills to manage my anxiety and help me sleep, one of which made me hallucinate which is why I stopped trying to sleep normally.

All my life people thought I was fine because I made jokes, kept silent when in pain because I couldn't even fell it myself, and was singled out by teachers for no reason at all. After graduating I was diagnosed with ADHD and wouldn't you know it SEVERE anxiety as well as a mind set that made me spend too much energy trying to be careful and mindful of others and deny my own exhaustion and need for soothing.

I never smoked, never broke into places, never got into any fights, never harassed people, never dated, never even had a kiss or a proper crush, never partied or snuck out, I just existed. Never played catch with my dad, never had a sweet sixteen or quince, never had a best friends or even a real close friend, I just kept existing.

I'm gonna be 20 by the end of the year but I feel stuck in the age I was that freshman year. Yet at the same time I know I'm more emotionally mature then I was and smarter then the other small town idiots. I have close friends, I try and take care of myself but my body struggles from the left over effects of neglect, I take more medication and barely leave the house due to fear of other outside my home and safety net.

And yet I'm so much happier then I was before and even if it's slow I'm working to get better and love myself. To be the bright smiley person I pretended to be for decades

Man is so tire now -_-

once again shout out to the kids that were left behind in school, when the teachers failed us, treated us like burdens who couldn't do anything right cuz we had a pretty bad learning disability.

[thepolymathexcuse]

Weeklies: Further

Happy Monday to everyone!

Our productivity stepped down a notch this past week, but that might have stemmed from a few other things, such as lack of motivation over certain topics due to an inefficient weekly planning and the looming anxiety over the job applications I sent a week prior. My lack of control over social media and phone usage in some moments to cope up with this anxiety also might have been a big factor. However, since we consider everything (and I am not exaggerating when I say every single thing I do) an instrument for learning and growth, I guess our productivity doesn't really define the things we learned this week. So, without further ado, here's our summary of how this wonderful week went.

Last week's new learnings:

A. Online Courses

I finally finished the last training video of the Dr. Mendoza series with the title "Basic Concepts and Impacts of Climate Change in Agriculture, Forestry, and Natural Resources." [1] That means we can move forward to the next phase of this project: distilling the knowledge we learned from the four videos and connecting them in different activities you will be reading soon in this blog. The training title already defines the knowledge contained in this training. It provided definitions and connections between climate change and all related terms like greenhouse gases (GHGs) and global warming, as well as delved into the factors that affect climate change, and how climate change impacts several important aspects of our modern lives such as agriculture, health, natural resources, weather patterns, and biodiversity. Furthermore, what really brought me the most attention was the part that presented the international and national (Philippines) approaches on addressing climate change. Besides having a recalling of the Paris Agreement and the Kyoto Protocol, I was also introduced to other initiatives such as:

the REDD [Reducing Emissions from Deforestation and (forest) Degradation], which is an initiative developed by the UNFCC that works by providing incentives to developing countries to slow down rates of deforestation, which the organization inferred to be the main cause of around 17-20% of the increase in total carbon emissions within 5 years;

NDCs (Nationally Determined Contributions) which allows individual nation-states to provide their conditional and non-conditional commitments in developing their own ambitious plan to reduce their carbon emissions; and

the "cap-and-trade" market based mechanism under the Kyoto Protocol that manages GHGs emissions of participating countries.

Moreover, I learned that the Philippines had its own activities in contributing to combating the effects of climate change. This includes their NDC plan of cutting our GHG emissions by up to a whopping 75%! You read that right. The Philippines really took it to heart when the parties under the Paris Agreement said "ambitious." How are we doing this, so far? The Climate Change Act of 2009 led to the creation of the Climate Change Commission, which is the primary agency of our government reporting under the Office of the President tasked to coordinate efforts relating to climate change mitigation as stated by the law. This then led to the formation of a strategic plan that is contained within the National Climate Change Action Plan from 2011 to 2028. [2, 3, 4, 5]

Another key takeaway for me is this: although developed countries contribute significantly higher percentages to the total carbon emissions worldwide, it is more practical and less expensive to limit the GHG emissions of developing countries instead rather than to completely change the already-established system of the developed nations. The first thought that came to my mind was this: developing countries are already suffering more from the worsening effects of climate change and yet we are still asked to adjust for the sake of these wealthy nations. However, the international initiatives such as the Paris Agreement and the Kyoto Protocol, allows the wealthy countries to provide financial support to the developing nations to compensate for the reduced GHG emissions, which to me, seems like a win-win situation for both parties. But the most surprising thing about these initiatives is that they're completely voluntary, and although as unfortunate as it sounds, it became even clearer to me that the key to actually combating climate change to save our species from eventual extinction really lies in the hands of those currently in power.

B. Scientific Articles

I'm still working my way towards this article on the "Tipping elements of the Earth's climate system" but I'm slowly coming to terms with the concepts contained in the article. It's a slow process but this leads me to realize that I actually do not have the necessary foundation in order to easily understand this topic in greater detail and in a faster rate, because the mathematical derivation of how a tipping element is defined had connections with topics such as bifurcation theory or maybe even nonlinear system dynamics (which is offered in MIT Open Course Ware for free!). [6] Additionally, I had to tweak my learning strategy especially on hard topics like this, and I learned that digital notes is not the way to go. Instead I wrote down in a notebook in order for me to digest the information more carefully and connect the ideas better. Plus, you can never really go wrong with the aesthetics of a pretty handwriting! It also made me realize that I have to revisit my foundational knowledge on chemistry, biology, mathematics, and physics in order for me to fully advance with my areas of interest. It makes me wonder how ineffective of a student I must have been during my years of schooling to actually not have these basic knowledge drilled into me. I don't fully blame myself though because when I told this story to my friend (hi Ana!), it also revealed the areas for improvement on our education system solely focused on the students getting good grades. But I'm already here, so I'm trying to make sense of this article one way or another with whatever I already have. Who knows, maybe in the near future, I'll find time to solidify this foundational knowledge that would greatly benefit me if I ever pursue graduate studies.

C. Other areas of learning Note: Since I consider my thinking as an avenue for learning, I am abandoning the last section on my 'realizations' and instead write about them under this particular section.

I am having a hard time reading through a 567-page thriller novel called Ghost Story by Peter Straub. Reading a hundred pages in a span of a week is too slow for my usual reading. One of the intriguing reasons I could think of as to why this is happening is that I am taking too much time analyzing the book. It was supposedly just a leisurely activity, but here I am trying to analyze the characters' development and connections, how the setting affects the overall plot, the language being used, and the patterns that continually present themselves as I go deeper into the novel. I made it an intellectual activity, and although it might seem weird to others (and completely over-the-top or OA as the current trend refers to it), I actually find this fascinating and I might create an informal analysis about the novel in the future. It got crazy to the point that I even had a nightmarish dream of this Annabelle doll attacking me during the wee hours (at 3:00-3:30, I know, what a coincidence) of Saturday morning, which led me to eventually jump out of bed, and forgo sleep during that morning. That's how terrified I was! It might be because I used the Hemingway bridge technique in order for me to look forward to the next few pages, kind of like how telenovelas or TV series use cliffhangers to hook their audience for the next episodes. I stopped reading the book Friday afternoon at a particularly terrifying page with no actual conclusion as to what happens next. My mind must've been too eager to find out what's next; hence, it stayed within my subconscious and decided to attack me in the form of a nightmare. Well, guess what? Getting up that early on a Saturday morning means I got nothing to do but continue the next few pages, leading to me eventually finishing the novel's second part, which leaves us the last chapter to finish (equivalent to more or less 200 pages). [7]

Doing some of the learning activities within the Dr. Mendoza series led me to realize that the Geographic Information System (GIS) might be analogous with a Second Brain. The GIS software does exactly what a Second Brain does: (1) it captures data and stores it within the software's database; (2) it organizes data in a way that is readable for the system and accessible for the users of the software; (3) it distills data by manipulating it for spatial analysis; and (4) it expresses data through creating aesthetically pleasing maps based on the user's interpretation of the data. This leads us to believe that information or knowledge is just data that is captured, stored, organized, sometimes updated, and used in whatever purpose you desire. This is not a novel thought, but finding some analogy across two separate areas of my learning journey is a fun way to integrate the knowledge I'm learning. It kind of serves as a proof that what I'm trying to do (learning several areas at once) is not in vain.

This came from an Instagram comment I saw yesterday (Sunday, Oct. 20) and it read: "self-growth never ends, we should always be trying to become better people." It reminded me that there really is no end goal in the learning process. Sure, maybe some day, there might actually be an audience for this blog and the success of this blog might be defined by the metrics of how many people visit and read what I write about, but the process of learning itself technically doesn't have an end. Yes, some courses might have learning outcomes and checking off those course goals could lead to a finished course but learning doesn't stop there. In fact, gathering new knowledge only leads you to ask more questions, and therefore, creates even more avenues for learning. In my opinion, if you start to view learning and self-growth as another ambitious goal, you will never get the sense of achievement or satisfaction commonly associated with goals. This might sound depressing, but this doesn't mean you cannot celebrate your own milestones, such as finishing a course or just getting your way through a tough lesson you spent so much time on. No, you can celebrate all these because they are still considered victories, but they don't necessarily correspond to a finish line, because learning has no finish line of its own. Additionally, as we progress towards the future, research and innovation will continue to bring new knowledge that we soon need to learn. Again, this seems like a depressing thought: what's the point of learning anything if I'm not achieving any goal in particular? Well, to me, here's where the journey matters more than the destination. Isn't it fun that we live more every day knowing we tried to step a little bit further into the top? Isn't it comforting that as we gain more knowledge, we eventually become better versions of ourselves? Isn't it exciting that we're learning because we're making ourselves more competent and equipped to face the increasing difficulties of our daily lives? In moments of rest and stillness, you can further comfort yourself by zooming out and appreciating the many steps you've taken, the amount of knowledge you've gained along the years, and just think to yourself: look how far you've come.

This is another random thought while I was scrolling through social media and watching this video on why more people are in the phase of burning out: we really are a broken generation. It sounds awful, but social media, overconsumption of information, and overall the capitalist world we live in brings in many of the stressors we as a species experience almost surprisingly in a collective manner. The theory of evolution encompasses the notion that the more successful species eventually adapt to their surroundings in order to survive. I'm nowhere near being an expert in genetics, but maybe our bodies will eventually form new genes essential for coping with the current stressors of our modern society. That's how previous species overcame extinction and survived through the years: through genetic mutations that allowed them to build a better version of their species. It's a scary thought, but it could also be comforting for the ordinary person: eventually, we as a species will find ways to adapt and survive in our constantly changing world. [8, 9]

I'm also currently reading two books on meteorology, which is another introductory activity for a more detailed course in the future. We had a subject on hydrometeorology when I was in college, and reading through these allows me to recall the knowledge I learned during that time. I learned about the following: the theories on the origins of our planet's atmosphere; how climate affected several extinction events in the past; how geological and biological activity impacts the climate of a specific time period which also by the way, involves a lot of chemistry; early weather forecasting methods and the development of modern ways to tell the weather (I have my eyes on you, Robert Hooke!); and the different ways to classify climate. It also allowed me to recall the primary difference between climate and weather. Climate is highly based on patterns and can be predicted given the right data, but weather is highly variable and random and your prediction for the next three hours may actually change because of a single perturbation. I couldn't think of a better analogy so I'd like to borrow the words of J. Marshall Shepherd quoted from one of the books: "Climate is your personality; weather is your mood." [10, 11]

Finally, it's always fun to chat with some of my friends and the people around me, because they, too, are valuable in my journey of personal growth and polymathy.

Here are some of this week's bops and constant listens:

Southern by Sleeping at Last: I used this as my focus music during my read through of the tipping elements!

New Orleans by Parachute: romantic, because of certain events happening in my life

Important by Ian McConnell: A really creative take on optimistic nihilism, a philosophy I would not be able to embody but still can be a great source of ideals and values for living;

Euphoria by The Ridleys: I danced to this music one night, and I just felt the love overflowing from within me. Ah, what a beautiful memory.

These two odd collaborations by Charli XCX which gave me profound realizations: i think about it all the time (feat. bon iver) and i might say something stupid (feat. the 1975 and john hopkins).

A recently released jazzy instrumental version of one of my favorite Coldplay songs, that gave me all the feels there is to be felt: Sparks (Instrumental) by Evan Jacobson.

May Singil Ang Pangarap by Barefoot Theater and the cast of the Bar Boys musical: Instant regret because this led to a queue of songs from various musicals that I sang so loud one early evening, which eventually led to a sore throat the following days. Hah!

Horizon by yuragi: A shoegaze track from a Japanese band I found from one of my old playlists, which gave me feelings of transition, of becoming, of change, a topic I've recently been spiritually connected to during this current journey of healing.

Gale Song by The Lumineers feat. James Bay (Live from Wrigley Field): A live version of a track from the film score of the Catching Fire adaptation, sang by two wonderful folk artists, was an unexpected surprise to me. I didn't even know this version existed until Wednesday afternoon!

A Model of the Universe by Johann Johannson (from the film score of The Theory of Everything) and Chopin: Nocturne No. 20 in C-Sharp Minor, Op. Posth. (sorry for the long title, I am not well versed in classical music notation!): these 2 tracks are the main reason why I got through pages of the Ghost Story novel! Fantastic background music.

Introduction to the Snow by Miracle Musical and Tally Hall: I found this I think last year from an Instagram reel about self harm, and it absolutely introduced me to a genre of music I didn't know I would appreciate. For me, it reminded me of the seasons of my life: how my journey can sometimes lead to challenging and enduring winters. I don't necessarily know if that was the artist's meaning of the song, but that's how it appeared to me. I searched for the song, and it was a track from a musical! What are the odds!

There's another long read, but I do hope you enjoyed the bits of here and there in my journey of learning and self growth. I'll see you next week!

Once again, I leave you this: keep wandering and chase what excites you!

---

Footnotes:

[1] Basic Concepts and Impacts of Climate Change in Agriculture, Forestry, and Natural Resources; Link

[2] Public Registry for the Nationally Determined Contributions of different countries; Link

[3] Philippines' First NDC; Link

[4] Climate Change Act of 2009 (RA 9729); Link

[5] Official website of the Climate Change Commission; Link

[6] For MIT OCW courses related to nonlinear dynamics of systems; Link

[7] Ghost Story (novel) by Peter Straub. I got the Pocket Books first print edition (1980). Oddly, enough, I salvaged this book for free from one of our cleaning sessions from an agency I used to work in!

[8] Why We're All Burning Out | Byung-Chul Han's Warning to the World, by Einzelgänger; Link

[9] The Price We Pay For Being Productive - A Philosophical Critique of Hustle Culture, by Robin Waldun; Link

[10] Weather: An Illustrated History edited by Andrew Revkin with Lisa Mechaley (2018)

[11] Weather Watching (Patrick Hook, 2006)

[chronic-boogara]

Hello! I love your blog it's so nice looking and spot on with the characters!

But can I maybe request stu with a reader who is super badass like can make anything I not a weapon just super crafty and knows great ways to bunker down and survive crazy situations and one day stuff asks how they are so crafty and stuff and it turns out reader just has severe anxiety and copes with zombie and dystopian stuff like collecting, watching, comics anything sorry if this is to specific lol 😂 well even if you don't answer mine keep up the good work!

OKAY BUT THIS>>>> i have such a bad habit of making reader a helpless damsel in distress😔most def my toxic writing traits. but thank you for enjoying my blog every time someone says that my heart melts into a puddle. love you babe.

sorry this took so long i forgot abt it for a hot second :( i hope you like this , i didn’t want to go too far away from the prompt

•stu never considered himself normal in any sense. he was into the occult , strange things of the world. not like most kids his age

• so when he met someone so like minded it’s safe to say he was head over heels with this person. they were like his soulmate

•when he first tried to make a move he failed because he was too nervous. he ended up just turning right back around

•don’t worry though he’ll come around to asking you out properly it’ll just take him some time. it’s hard being a teenage boy in love.

•finally! he asked you out. he decided to take you to graveyard picnic on halloween which you are totally down for. you’re always ready in case the apocalypse comes anyway.

•the two of you really hit it off!! more dates ensued

•before either of you knew it you two were in a loving relationship.

•stu loves how crafty you are. there’s not much you can’t make and he is just so amazed. any end of the world scenario he can think of you are prepared.

•of course you’ve drawn up a couple blueprints for bunkers for different scenarios. zombies, nuclear war, computer take over or aliens. you’re ready

•sometimes you worry about weather stu thinks your extreme liking towards the subject a bit strange. only to find out he finds the exact opposite.

___

“y’ know y/n, I’ve always wondered why you’re so into all this stuff”. he gestured to the posters plastered across your walls.

you weren’t really prepared for such a question. your boyfriend tended to speak whatever is on his mind without another thought.

you felt your face grow warm with embarrassment. “i’ll tell you if you promise not think of me differently”.

stu was now sitting up from his previous position, a curious glint in his eyes. “i would never do such a thing y/n”.

you sighed. you’d have to break it to him anyways, the time just came earlier than you expected it to.

“i get really anxious…and have a tendency to over think things to the millionths degree. i latched onto things like zombie movies and end of the world stuff it calms me down”. you said , taking a breath after ending the sentence not even realizing you were holding it.

he was silent for a second and you had to fill it. “i know it’s weird”.

he shook his head. “i do way worse stuff in my free time y/n. i think you’re little obsession is cute. it makes you you”.

you shouldn’t be shocked he was so accepting. he was a horror fanatic that could name the most iconic serial killers in ABC order if prompted. but you still found yourself a bit surprised.

whatever higher being was above had really blessed you with the best boyfriend you could ask for.

[writing-for-marvel]

Hai👋 uhm I was wondering if possibly you could write a little thing with y/n staying over at Peter's place for the first time and there ends up being a bad thunderstorm, like power goes out and everything? Then pete finds out reader is absolutely terrified of it? Like full on panic attack? I have severe astrophobia and tend to imagine him being there in all his lovely puppy like glory to try and cope, I love love love your work so much <3💕💕

Through Every Storm

Peter Parker x GN!Reader

Summary: Peter’s touch comforts you during a thunderstorm.

Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING depiction of a panic attack, lightning and thunder

Word count: 722

A/N: thank you so much nonnie for your kind words and your patience while I wrote this, I hope you like the drabble 💕 this is also my submission for @real-jane healing hands challenge (I hope it’s ‘healing’ enough)

Banners by @maysdigitalarts, dividers by @firefly-graphics

Masterlist | Ask me anything! | Library

You could smell the rain in the air before a drop landed on the pavement.

It wasn’t so much the threat of precipitation dampening your clothes and your spirits that bothered you, but the rolling, dark grey storm clouds directly above which carried charged lightning that had the hairs on your arms standing on end.

You fired off a quick text to your boyfriend asking if you could come over. His apartment was a mere few blocks away, compared to yours which was across town, and with the impending storm you didn’t want to be caught out in the open. Having to contend with the loud cracks of lightning and rumble of thunder would be difficult enough, let alone also having to find shelter.

As typical with Peter’s eager personality, he responded almost immediately saying he’d love for you to spend the night, punctuating the message with multiple emojis which brought a smile to your face.

It was only a handful of minutes before you were being buzzed up to his apartment. Your shoes, clothes and hair were slightly damp from the drizzly beginnings of the storm as you entered his place, but that didn’t stop Peter from pulling you into a sweet kiss.

Though it would be your first night sleeping over at Peter’s, you were too concerned about what was brewing in the sky outside to feel any anxiety about sharing a bed with him. Nor could you pay any attention to the movie playing on his laptop.

You had thus far been able to keep your aversion for thunderstorms a secret from him - you hadn’t been dating that long, and if a storm had been predicted, you were careful not to stray any further from your place than necessary.

But today you hadn’t been as diligent as you usually were - though in your defence, no storms had been forecast when you left home that morning.

The rain became gradually heavier throughout the movie, the dark storm clouds blocking out all rays of sun, but with Pete’s comforting presence you had managed to keep your anxiety to a minimum. However, once he left the room to microwave some popcorn, everything went downhill.

With a sharp flash out of the corner of your eye, which was followed almost immediately by a loud crack and the roar of thunder, indicating the strike had been nearby, the power in the apartment went out completely, submerging you in darkness.

Letting out a yelp, you pulled your legs into your chest, rocking back and forth in an attempt to soothe yourself.

“Honey, are you okay? It’s just the power, it’ll be back on soon.” Pete called from the kitchen.

Your chest tightened as the storm continued to fill all your senses; the smell of the rain, the loud clap of thunder and lightning, followed by the reverberations which shook the building. All you could manage to take were quick, shallow breaths, which were making your head dizzy.

When you didn’t respond, Peter poked his head around the wall to find you hyperventilating on his floor.

Would he think you were a coward, or stupid for having such a visceral reaction to something as natural as the weather?

Your greatest fear, perhaps even more so than thunderstorms, was losing Peter.

But Pete didn’t hesitate to rush over to you, almost tripping over the coffee table on his way, with the utmost concern evident in his eyes. His hands cupped your face as he sat in front of you, directing your gaze up to meet his own, scooting his body closer as if to provide a physical barrier between you and the raging weather beyond his walls.

“Try taking deep breaths for me baby. Slowly in and out.” He instructed, proceeding to count aloud the timing of each inhale and exhale to assist you with keeping a steady rhythm, rubbing circles along your back and whispering praises in your ear as you gradually gained control of your diaphragm again.

Though you were still frightened, his tender care and reassurance that no harm would come to you as long as he was around, went a long way to bringing you down from your panic attack.

You fell asleep that night with Peter’s arms protectively around you, not paying any mind to the pitter-patter of rain against the window.

Everything taglist: @imagining-harrypotter @tripletstephaniescp @asgardwinter @demonpoxballad @nagygreta @libbymouse @mayasreadingnook @thecraziestcrayon @hallecarey1 @sea040561 @chrisfucksblog @smallmercies33 @buckysbirdie @moongoddessmox @coolbeans32 @foreverindreamlandd @pitifulbaby @seitmai @fanatic-in-the-lobby @emi11ie @jay-mach @princessphilly @daydreaming-lightly @440mxs-wife @brasspistol @binkszamsstuff

Peter Parker taglist: @rqmanoff @ajeff855 @highlyintelligentblonde @matchat3a @awaywithtime @scarletbich

[worldwithoutmiracles]

my ADHD as an adult woman

so I went to a psychologist finally at 28 expecting an anxiety/depression diagnosis, and within about 2 minutes of me talking, the doc interrupted me and said “has anyone ever talked to you about an ADHD diagnosis?”

since being diagnosed and getting put on meds, I have become more aware of the approximately 1,000 very ADHD things I do daily. I have also had probably 10-15 people I know say either “oh yeah, that makes sense, I always figured you had ADHD” or “oh yeah, I was diagnosed a few years ago as well, I figured that’s why we got along so well”. so apparently I was the last to know.

anyways, here are some of my personal symptoms, for whomever this might interest. I have a lot of masking/coping mechanisms, so there are huge parts of ADHD meme culture I can’t relate to (e.g. I never lose things because I am borderline obsessive with organization, I’m never late because I’m always 45 minutes early instead), but a lot of these are common.

talking a lot, talking all the time, talking in every direction. see how I write. see the number of parentheses I use. see how I exceed the word limit on assignments, every time, all the time.

“conflating emotion and time”. time blindness is talked about a lot, and I’ve definitely got it in spades, but I came across this phrase and found it very resonant. I’m all feeling and no context. the question “what did you do last weekend?” is my nightmare.

high pain tolerance/lack of sensitivity to sensation. I’ve always been able to withstand physical pain and discomfort quite easily - tattoos, piercings, walking barefoot on gravel, waxing, the list goes on. but I also have this thing where I can notice I need to pee, and then not get up from my chair for 5 hours. or notice it’s time for me to eat, but I’ll just ignore it (assuming I’m not close to passing out or throwing up from low blood sugar). I drink a lot of water and my friends joke I’m like a camel because I’ll still just pee like twice a day. these sensations are very muted and just honestly not that important.

can’t use the drawers in the fridge because once I can’t see the food it ceases to exist. same with cupboards that are hard to reach, “secret” pockets in purses or bags, basically anything I don’t have a ritual of checking every day. I’m very intentional when putting things away. I have a system. it’s a fucking stupid, inefficient, idiosyncratic system, and it’s extremely rigid. I do not deviate from the script. if the chapstick goes in the front right pocket instead of the front left, all is anarchy, all is lost.

wordplay, music, or some media fixation going in my head 24/7 as background. during conversations, I will literally be doing anagrams, spelling challenges and wordplay based on what people are saying while I listen to them - it’s the only way I can stay engaged. I memorize lyrics to songs obsessively, and I will also skip around my personal jukebox based on keywords from the conversation.

I check and respond to emails and texts immediately after receiving them. I just have to do it this way or I begin to hate and resent the messages, and by extension, my friends. so I am the most responsive person in the world. sorry.

make a lot of careless mistakes because editing/reworking is death

jiggling my foot while reading to stay engaged

hate socks

like to eat, hate the fact I have to eat every day

have to touch every texture while shopping, especially clothes shopping. my sister jokes by the time we’ve left I’ve touched everything in the store. (yeah, ideally)

never fully unpack my bag while traveling because the idea of spreading out too much and having my things in too many places stresses me out - it would be too easy to lose something or leave it behind. I go through rooms/houses/bus seats methodically before leaving them, several times, and have to pat my phone in my pocket 3-4 times before I believe I have it with me.

literally forget that types of weather exist until they reoccur. first cold day of the year I’ll be shivering in a cardigan and then remember “oh yeah, jackets exist” because they are in my coat closet I haven’t opened in 3 months so I forgot about them (not only forgetting the ones I own, but the literal concept of jackets). on the plus side, I am constantly delighted to rediscover the cute umbrella that I have owned for 6 years.

so physically clumsy. just slamming into every doorway, every counter, shattering every glass, covered in mystery paper cuts and bruises, constantly literally beating myself up and then figuratively beating myself up for being an oaf.

feeling like a burden, feeling like a fuck-up, over-explaining myself, desperately trying to find some explanation for why I’m so “lazy” when I actually care more about some things than anyone would ever dream

leaving every gathering like “god, I am such an overbearing moron, why can’t I just stop interrupting people and shut up for once” and then talking to someone and getting excited and thinking of a joke and shouting it out and let’s do the time warp again!

okay, I literally have to cut myself off or I will write for hours. overall, I like my brain. it’s a noisy place, but it’s taken care of me the best it can for the last 28 years. I just can’t believe that the place I spend so much time in had this dimension to it (ADHD) that I never knew. and having a name for it and a community of fellow neurodiverse people has made more of a difference to me than I ever would have guessed it would.

(if you read all this you’re a fucking saint. also probably don’t have ADHD lol)

[kayleezra]

Tragic Wishes// (Rafael Barba x GN!Reader)

Word Count: 2831

Warnings: mentions of past sewer slide attempts, talk encouraging sewer slide (including suggestions as to how to do it)

Summary: First-person narrative. I open up about my struggles with sewer slide to my parents and don’t get the encouragement I thought I’d get. Luckily, Rafael is there for comfort. 

A/N:  Okay… so this is heavy and I don’t want you to read it if it’s going to trigger you or if the subject is too much. This is me processing what my dad told me when I mentioned it had been two years since my last attempt. And living in an AU where I get comfort from Rafael instead of just crying alone.

IMPORTANT: Just remember that you’re worth life. You’re worth space and people's time and YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! I love you, and I have good taste… so you’ve gotta be pretty amazing!! Also, I’m proud of you, for still being here and surviving day by day. YOU ARE NOT HARD TO LOVE, YOU’RE EASY TO LOVE. 

I never thought that I’d be proud of an anniversary. I have a tendency to downplay any and all of my accomplishments, a pet peeve of Rafael’s. For years I struggled with depression and anxiety, I still do but am lucky enough to be better able to cope. Getting to this point didn’t come without its challenges or painful realizations, things I’m eternally grateful for because I truly can’t understand how I once lived. 

For years I struggled with suicidal thoughts and actions and I thought I’d gotten over it. But, years later it was like a switch was flipped, I suddenly returned to those unhealthy thought processes. I did it without even realizing and, in a disgusting way, it felt like home. I didn’t even think twice about trying to take my life, it was like another daily task to me; my agenda was to do laundry, run errands and then take my life. I didn’t even value my life enough to think that what I was doing was a big deal, it was just a chore that needed to be done. 

It’s been a little over 2 years since my last attempt, I still struggle with the thoughts but haven’t turned them into actions. Since recovering, having a serious talk with those I love about what I did has been a heartbreaking process that fills me with shame and guilt. The only thing that made it easier was that most of my family and friends knew about how severe my mental illnesses could get and affect me. However, telling Rafael was different. 

—-2 years ago, December —-

I look out the window and think about how frigid it is, the city is currently under an extreme cold advisory. Somewhere out in the polarizing weather, Rafael is likely getting into trouble and probably freezing. I hope he can come over before the sun goes down and the night air further lowers the temperature. Rafael and I planned a proper dinner and night-in tonight but I understand his drive and need to help survivors. 

I can’t help but worry about him no matter when or why he leaves as he tends to overwork himself. Rafael always tries to reassure me but I can’t help but worry, I worry about virtually everything. 

In contrast to the cold outside, my kitchen is humid and pleasantly warm from cooking dinner. I even set the table for the occasion, buying wine and truly making the evening special. Dinner is ready by 5:48 pm so I leave it in the oven to keep warm until Rafael comes home. In the meantime, I throw on the evening news and pick up the current novel I’m reading to pass the time. 

At 6:03 pm I hear a rattling outside the entrance. I run to the door and unlock it to see Rafael rummaging through his pockets for his keys. He looks relieved to see the door open and me. I take a step back to allow him in, his shoulders are slumped. He drops his briefcase and kicks off his shoes wordlessly, his silence and stature tell me his day was draining. I hold his face in my hands, studying his face while worry covers my own. 

“Rafi,” I gently encourage

He doesn't say anything, just wraps his arms around me. I don’t yet know what’s happened today to emotionally drain him so much but reassuringly hold him until he lets go. I remove his outerwear; “Go change and I’ll dish out dinner.”

He nods, making his way to the bedroom. I make and place our plates on the coffee table and sit down, forgoing the formality of the dinner table. Rafael joins me on the couch in flannel pyjama pants and a tattered sweatshirt. The apartment is silent for a while, allowing Rafael to eat what is most likely the only meal he’s had since breakfast. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Rafael nods, his eyes still dazed in some faraway place. I wait for him to say anything, giving him the time he needs to share.

“She overdosed,” Rafael says. I know he’s talking about the young teen they’ve been working with and don’t ask anything, he’ll elaborate more in time. He takes a deep breath and clears his throat. 

“She stole oxycodone from her grandmother, took what was left. Her father found her asleep in her bed,” another deep breath is taken, “he knew something wasn’t right. He called an ambulance and they pumped 7 times the safe amount out of her stomach. She was dead for 4 minutes before they got her back.”

I rub his back consolingly, my other hand sitting on his arm, my thumb moving back and forth.

“She’s got severe brain damage, currently on a ventilator, barely responsive. They don’t know if she’ll ever recover more than she is now.”

I gently turn his face to me, kissing his forehead. I run my hands through his hair, wordlessly showing my support.  

“I just- I don’t know why she didn’t say anything to anyone. Her father, a friend, Olivia, hell even me.”

“Shame,” I express quietly.

“What?” Rafael asks breathily.

“In her mind, suicide was the only option. A necessity, there was no longer a choice or fight, it was absolute. The idea of telling someone would burden them with her death.”

“But they could’ve helped.”

“Not to her. At that point, she thought nothing would help and her life was ending no matter what. So telling someone would only give them hope of changing an already sealed fate.”

My words hold a weight that most people aren’t yet acquainted with, not only due to the subject matter but the tone and understanding I speak of it with. Rafael holds his mouth for a moment in thought before looking at me. I can see in his eyes that the dreaded conversation is about to take place, I’ve given too much away to avoid it.

“You’re so… familiar with this,” he says in a questioning manner, his eyes holding fear.

I take a deep breath and try to squash the burning fear in my chest. I’ve had this conversation before and I can do it again. 

“I’ve been in her shoes before”

“You’ve thought about-,” he begins confused.

“I’ve tried, Rafi.”

I think smacking him across the face would've been less painful for the both of us. Telling someone I love and who loves me that I’ve not only thought but attempted suicide never fails to overcome me with guilt. I’ll never adjust to the way the world seems to stop for them, how they try to understand that I was trying to end my life without them ever knowing, that I could’ve been stripped from their life. I allow Rafael to take the time he needs to mull over my words. I’ve spoken the equivalent of hitting him with a semi-truck, it is only fair I allow time for shock.

“You? No,” Rafi denies.

I nod, my eyes already stinging with tears. No matter how many times I tell people, it will always hurt because it means I face those I would’ve made victim to my actions. Tears escape and I can’t help but let out a painful laugh to fill the silence and ease the weight in my chest. Rafael obviously has questions, everyone always does, which is understandable. Like most people, he doesn’t want to ask any questions, he wants to be respectful and not be insensitive. So, I take a breath, trying to stabilize myself before sharing. 

“My last attempt was about 4 months ago, just before we met. It was by far my lowest point, I didn’t care about anyone or anything, I was just… done. Tired. I didn’t want to get up every morning anymore. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. And honestly? I was angry that I was alive.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was able to cope and heal before meeting you. And I wasn’t going to dump this on you so early in our relationship. I haven’t attempted since, I haven’t even created a plan. I still have thoughts but thoughts are safe so long as I don’t act on them.”

“You still think about it?”

Again, I’ve caused another heartbreak. It feels like another stab in the chest and I can no longer trust my voice so I nod. Tears have been consistently streaming but now I know I’m on the brink of sobbing. Rafael sees this and, rather than asking any questions or offering words of reassurance, he hugs me. My face is in my hands while Rafi wraps his arms around me tightly, when I’m able to catch my breath I peel my hands from my face and return the hug. We stay like this, allowing each other to cry.

“I am so fortunate to have you in my life,” Rafael whispers in my ear before kissing my cheek.

—-Present Day —-

“Rafi! You ready?” I shout across the apartment. 

Tonight my parents have invited us over for dinner. It took weeks to align all our schedules so it was nice to be able to see my parents again and for them to spend more time with Rafi. 

“Sí, Cariño,” he responds from behind me, startling me.

He hugs me and I laugh at myself, “You scared me.”

“I see that,” he kisses my cheek and sways us. 

I close my eyes for a brief moment savouring it. 

“As much as I’d love to stay like this we’ve gotta get moving or we’ll be late.”

“Mkay,” Rafi says into my shoulder, leaving a kiss on my should as well before reluctantly peeling away from me.

When we arrive at my parents' house, it smells delicious, which I state as soon as I enter.

“Well, I wasn’t about to make shit food for a visit we laboured over arranging,” my mom yells from the kitchen.

Rafi and I laugh, my mother has never been one to act like anyone but herself for others. We leave our outerwear by the door and join my dad at the table. 

“Mom, did you need help?” I ask, knowing she’ll lie and refuse help, a lovely trait I picked up from her.

“Nope, I’m all good.”

I can’t help but look at a smiling Rafael and my dad, both knowing her just as well as I, and laugh. Wordlessly, I go to help my mom, leaving Rafael with my dad who always has a plethora of legal questions. I swear he saves them for when he sees Rafael, besides the one he texts to me to ask. Turns out, dinner was nearly done so in no time at all we were all sitting at the table, the television is playing in the background. 

We catch up, dinner is light-hearted and fun. Rafael insists I visit with my dad while he helps my mom clean up, he leaves me with a kiss atop my head. My mom brews tea and soon enough we’re all at the table enjoying the contents of our mugs. Our conversation only stops when my mom holds a hand up and cocks her ear toward the television, the tell-tale sign that she wants to hear the tv. On it, the news is broadcasted about a young teen who attempted to commit suicide due to online bullying. The segment mainly covers teary-eyed parents who want to warn other parents about the dangers of cyberbullying and to always check in with their children. 

My mom is the first to speak up once the segment finishes.

“That’s awful, she’s so young,” my mom's face holds heartbreak for the girl and her family.

The girl was about my age when I first attempted and before I can stop myself or think about the consequences I say: “it’s been 2 years since I last attempted.”

I didn’t officially sit down with my parents and tell them about my attempts. I had casually brought some experiences up but never had a proper sit-down. I thought my parents knew given how I’d mention my experiences but admitting it had been two years since my last attempt felt more serious and emotional than my casual mentions.

I assumed, as soon as the words left my mouth, that there would be a lot of worried questions being thrown at me. I was wrong.

“I don’t get the whole ‘attempted suicide’. I mean if you don’t succeed, just try again, there are always other ways to do it,” my dad says looking right at me.

I grow quiet, suddenly finding the inside of my mug very interesting. Rafael tenses, shocked at what my father just said after my admission. Even through his shock, Rafael notices my state and rests his hand on my thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze. When I think we’re out of the woods, and we can move on, my dad continues.

“Try cutting. Doesn’t work? Try overdosing. Doesn’t work? Try a gun.”

I feel sick. I want to leave. My brain is swarming with what my dad said. I may not have attempted in 2 years but I still struggle with ideation and his words fuel them. The toxic part of my brain has always told me to try again with a new method and hearing my father say those same words is crushing. For a moment, I think that my dad is right, I should try again, luckily my rational thoughts intervene. No, I should not make another attempt. I am lucky to have survived and failed my last attempts. I deserve to be here, even if others don’t think so, even if I don’t think so.

Rafael makes a show of pulling out his phone, his brows furrow at the interruption. He reads a text before standing from the table.

“We have to go,” he says.

“What why?” I ask

“There’s been some emergency at our apartment, they haven’t said what just to come over and call for specifics”

“Oh my goodness.”

We swiftly make our leave apologizing for the fast departure. We decide to take a cab home, agreeing it’ll be the quickest.

As soon as we’re inside the cab Rafael reassures my worry by confessing.

“There’s no emergency.”

“What?”

“ There’s no emergency. I just couldn’t sit there and have your father talk to you like that. I know you love your parents and would want a scene but I also couldn’t let that continue.”

His words make me realize how awful my dad's words truly were. I had grown so accustomed to my dad's words that I’d just keep my head low until he finished and not even register how horrendous his words were. My chest tightens at the heart-wrenching reality and I cry. I let tears stream down my face, not only for tonight but for the countless times I allowed myself to endure his words. Rafael holds me and allows me the time to collect myself before speaking.

“He’s wrong. So very wrong,” Rafael pulls away, holding me by the shoulders and looking into my eyes.

“You deserve life and love and happiness, all of it that the world can make. You’re a gift on this planet to everyone to touch. You’re compassionate, empathetic and selfless. I know you don’t believe that but you are. I’ve seen some of the worst monsters and sometimes think the darkness will ruin me, but you? You are my light at the end of the tunnel. I come home carrying the weight of my work and the moment I see you, it’s lifted. And when you smile? My god, when you smile I think the world is perfect. The world may not be perfect, but mine is because it’s you.”

I fall into him, tightly wrapping myself around him. Rafael holds me like he’s afraid I pull away.

After a couple of minutes, my head clears a bit and I realize our current environment. Rafael and I are in a cab where our cabbie has listened to us; learning about a fake emergency at our apartment, listening to me cry and Rafael expressing his persistent love. I giggle to myself. Rafael knows, as I’m still pressed against him, he looks at me questioningly.

“Our poor cab driver had to listen to all that.”

“I’m sure he’s heard worse, in fact, we’re probably the best conversation he’s heard all day, ain’t that right?” Rafael asks the driver.

“Oh you have no idea,” the driver responds, keeping the light mood. 

I stay in Rafi's arms. Smiling. I’ve overcome a lot in 2 years, and I’ll always have someone try to knock me down, including myself. But if I were to add up all the negatives in my life, they'd diminish in comparison to the love I get from Rafi. He’s made me stronger and built me up and continues to help me grow every day and I’d do anything to keep him in my life.

[system-of-a-feather]

You know, it isn't until I see my fiance dealing with a resurgence of depression and anxiety while facing pressures of the economy and job market do I realize just the insane amount our system has grown accustomed to dealing with, shouldering,and coping with mental illness, intense pressure, and intense stress. Cause we had been talking about it, and a bit of high hearted levity that comes up a lot is that A LOT of what he is dealing with is stuff he's heard me go on about since as long as hes known me since our sister long since put the heavy pressure of the economy, capitalism, and the job market on is since we were like 6 or 7 - and so while he's dealing with all of it, he also has a very good "logical brain" side built from dealing with me dealing with it

And today he's driving up from our hometown which is about 6-8 hours of a drive away because even with that logical build up, the pressure and anxiety and shit is getting to him and I'm just like.... 100% valid 100% welcome 100% good play; but also just in awe at how heavy this can be for someone who is not accustomed to it like we have grown.

It's also really insane to think that we've recovered enough that we are now providing our fiance (who had recovered from depression several years ago) a stable rock during a hard time. Like should you have asked us this even a year or two ago, if we thought we would be stable enough that our fiance could rely on us for a sense of emotional security and reprieve, I would have called you insane and yet here we are.

It's pretty eye opening honestly. Though healing we've become insanely strong in a way I guess. Not in the sense of "my trauma made me stronger" - because no it did not, my recovery and my own resilience made me stronger - but just in the sense that we are honestly a well endured and weathered beast.

-Riku

[alpacaparkaseok]

Lost & Found - 12

Pairing: Park Jimin x soulmate (oc)

Warnings: Insecurity, anxiety, abandonment, oc feels like she’s gonna puke which, honestly, same

Word Count: 4.5k

a/n: holy. crap.

anyways, enjoy! 

just remember that if it’s not ok then it’s not the end 

Chapter 12. Bittersweet

series masterlist

“You wanna grab some lunch?” I ask as soon as I get into the car after my appointment with Dr. Mo. She seemed pleased with my progress, and reassured me that I did the right thing in writing Jimin’s letter.

The only thing left to do is wait.

“I thought you’d never ask.” Sunmi begins to drive. “How’d your session go?”

“Good, I think. I couldn’t stop fidgeting the entire time.” I blow a strand of hair out of my face. “Mind if I invite a friend to lunch?”

Sunmi glances at me sidelong, arching a brow. “Does this friend know about your thread and that you’re currently being chauffeured by a Bighit employee?”

I chew on my lip. “Well, yes to the first question and no to the second. But she knows everything else.” I bring my phone up to my ear, listening to it ring. “She actually helped me cut the thread...but she’s a really cool person. I swear.”

Sunmi just waves me off, appearing to be indifferent to adding another person to our lunch party. At this rate, I’ll have to invite Chung-hei as well.

“I was just going to call you! What happened last night? You left in a rush.”

“Wanna come to lunch? I think we’ll just grab something and eat it back at my apartment.” I look at Sunmi, who gives me a thumbs-up.

“And then you’ll explain what happened last night?”

I laugh at her persistence. “Yeah, sure.”

We discuss her order before she promises to meet me at the apartment. “I feel like I should invite my other friend as well,” I admit, looking at Chung-hei’s contact on my phone. “She’s Namjoon’s soulmate.”

Shrugging, Sunmi pulls into a drive through. “Don’t ask me, I’m just the driver.” She pauses. “Oooh, should I get a milkshake?”

“Yes,” I gasp. “Get me one too-”

Chung-hei picks up on the third ring.

“I was just thinking about you!” She chirps. I can’t help but smile at the sound of her voice.

“How adorable,” I drawl. “Wanna meet up at my apartment for lunch? I’ve got a couple of friends coming over that I want you to meet.”

“Sure! I was just planning on taking a break, anyways.”

“Great. You want the usual from the diner on 6th?”

“Ooh, how sexy, you even remember my order.”

I snort, rolling my eyes. “Whatever. See you soon.”

✂

“How far are we going to run today?” Namjoon asks, not sounding entirely thrilled at the prospect of cardio at this hour. It’s an odd hour to be going out for a run, but the weather is warm enough for a jog around their closed off neighborhood.

“I have no idea,” Jimin admits, looking excited to just get to go outside. “Just...a ways?”

Namjoon snorts. “A ways?”

“You know what I mean.” Swinging the door opens, Jimin pauses before stepping out. “Oh, mail’s here.”

Namjoon doesn’t think much of the statement, the mail is always here around this time of day. That is, not until he looks down at the pile of mail and sees a familiar looking envelope poking out from behind another letter.

“Ah!” He shouts, crouching down and scooping up the mess. “Ah!” He shouts again for emphasis.

Jimin looks at him with a half-smirk. “Is there a reason that we’re shouting?”

Unfortunately, Namjoon is unable to do much else besides shout. He backtracks into the house, tossing aside the undesirable letters in an effort to get to the one that really matters. In his excitement, it slips to the ground.

Jimin leans down, grabbing the letter that Namjoon points at with yet another shout. “What?” His stomach drops. “Did we forget to pay this month?”

“No!” Namjoon exclaims. When Jimin shrugs and attempts to hand it over to him, he thrusts it back at him. “That’s yours!”

“What do you mean, ‘it’s mine’?” Jimin asks, frowning. “We split the cost-”

“Jolie. It’s from Jolie,” he pants, finally catching his breath and calming down. “Read it.”

Now, Jimin realizes, would be the perfect time to panic.

Reading the expression of confusion on his face, Namjoon takes a deep breath before leading Jimin to the couches in the living room. “Remember when I told you about going to visit Jolie right after she cut the thread and how I gave her-”

“You gave her this?” Jimin asks, looking down at the electric bill envelope with no shortage of disbelief. “Joon, this is probably just a bill-”

“No, we just got the electric bill three days ago!” Namjoon explains excitedly. “Just, read it.”

Jimin comes to stand before the couch, but he doesn’t sit down. Not yet. He’s too busy fighting the nerves that have manifested, the envelope shaking in his hands as he stares down at it.

“O-ok.”

He perches down on the edge of the coffee table, not even thinking to sit on the couch. Not as he tears the envelope open and slides out a piece of paper that looks suspiciously like notebook paper.

Namjoon is attempting to back out of the room to allow his friend a private moment, but stays just long enough to confirm that this is indeed the long-awaited letter.

When Jimin unfolds the paper enough to see the first line, addressed to him, he begins to greedily gulp down air.

She has beautiful handwriting.

Finding Namjoon’s eyes from across the room, Jimin wears his emotions on his sleeve. The hesitant hope and utter fear of what he’s about to read is apparent, and it’s with a quivering lip that he calls out for his friend.

“Can you stay with me?” He quietly requests. Namjoon nods, hastily coming to sit across from his friend on the couch.

In the silence, Jimin reads through the letter. Namjoon watches as his brows furrow. A hint of a smile touches his cheeks at the very beginning, and he mumbles something about Elle. Then his lips part in a pained, silent gasp.

He’s silent throughout, however as he gets to the final few sentences, he finds himself reading through them again and again. It’s almost as though his eyes deceive him, like something isn’t quite connecting.

I still want you.

I still want you.

I still want you.

I still-

His thoughts are interrupted when Joon reaches out to lightly nudge his knee. “You ok?”

Ok?

“Yes?” It’s a question more for himself than anything. His eyes drift back to the page, to Jolie’s swirling handwriting and the promising statement within.

It terrifies him to the bone, which only makes him frustrated. In his utter confusion, he reads through the letter again, assessing every word.

It’s a question that Jimin hadn’t thought to ask himself before. Now that his soulmate seems within reach, he hesitates. Why?

She still wants him. And while her reasoning is sound, albeit leading to rash and hurtful choices, Jimin finds himself feeling like he’s missing something as those four words echo through his mind.

When the answer comes to him, he gasps it out as though he’d been holding his breath.

“I want to believe her,” he says, looking like he’s just about ready to cry from the frustration. “But I- I-”

Namjoon just nods, an understanding look in his eyes. It’s that look that helps to calm Jimin down, his racing heart finding solace in the fact that it might be normal to find it difficult to trust so readily.

“I can’t,” he quietly confesses. “Not yet.”

“You don’t have to,” Namjoon reassures. “Just take it one step at a time.”

Finally setting the letter down, Jimin rubs at his face. “What step are we even on?”

Namjoon chuckles quietly at his question. “Who knows. This is uncharted territory. But the way I see it, you’re in control now. You decide if you want to move forward with her in whatever way you see fit, or if you’re ready to just leave it behind. Have a fresh start.”

While both thoughts seem to have their own terrifying aspects, Jimin knows that leaving Jolie in the past simply isn’t an option.

“She said she had an aunt here, but Joon, that’s it. I’m all she’s got left.” He doesn’t know why he brings that up now, but his heart aches to think of it. For nearly a year now, she’s been so alone. Going through her grief, hardly coping. “Which may sound a little pretentious, but...I don’t want her to be alone.”

Namjoon leans back against the cushions, and Jimin seems to realize for the first time that he’s sitting on a table. He makes no move to get off of it, simply leaning forward on his elbows with a creased brow.

“Then maybe that’s where you two start,” Namjoon muses. “Neither one of you is ready to just dive into a relationship - that should be the last thing on your mind. But for now...just don’t let her be alone. I mean, the best you can while keeping your distance until, you know, you’re ready.”

Namjoon’s advice soothes the gaping hole in Jimin’s chest, letting him breathe freely for a moment. Just one step at a time.

He realizes, for perhaps the first time in his life, that just because she’s his soulmate, Jimin doesn’t have to immediately hand over his heart. It’s in pieces at the moment as is, partly due to the severed thread hanging from his left hand and partly due to the tangible heartbreak in Jolie’s letter.

No, Jimin can first let it mend. Take his time to heal.

Perhaps they can heal together.

✂

“Ah, I’ve seen you in the news!” Christina snaps her finger as she makes the connection, grinning at Chung-hei who chuckles.

“Yeah, that’s me,” she sheepishly admits. “Please tell me I look even better in person.”

“Oh,” I chime in, “loads better. You looked hideous in those pictures they used.”

Taking a huge bite, Chung-hei vigorously nods. “I know, right?! I seriously almost called them up to ask them where I could send some better photos. If they’re going to be talking about me, they might as well have some good pictures to use.”

Sunmi nearly chokes on her milkshake, fanning her cheeks as she stifles a laugh. Christina smiles fondly at Chung-hei and I.

“Why didn’t you?” She asks, clearly invested in the story now.

Chung-hei takes her question in stride, setting her chopsticks down. It’s a clear sign that she’s going to become fully immersed in the storytelling now. I lean back, ready to watch the show.

“Namjoon’s a protective idiot, that’s why.”

Now I’m the one choking, Sunmi hitting my back even as she grins devilishly. “What?! Did I just hear you say something other than praise about Namjoon?”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.”

Chung-hei levels me with a glare, scooting her chair back to get up. I immediately throw my hands up in surrender. “Ok! Ok! Just keep telling your story!”

The first few minutes between all of my friends had felt like seeing three different worlds collide. Of course, Christina was the odd one out among the other two: her profession made her a bit of an odd candidate. A part of me was dying to tell her story, to help Chung-hei and Sunmi see just how amazing she was. However, all it took were a few jokes at my expense (something that Hei and Christina both have an uncanny ability to do) before the three of them were picking at their food and chatting like the neighborhood gossips that they surely are.

“What was it like?” Sunmi asks, and suddenly I’m thrown back into reality and realizing that I just missed the entire story.

“It was…” judging from the faraway look in Chung-hei’s eyes, she’s talking about when she first met Namjoon. “I don’t know. I always expected sparks to fly or the world to stop spinning, but it wasn’t like that at all.”

I glance over at Christina, gauging to see if we’re veering into something that might make her uncomfortable. She catches my gaze, giving me a little nod that tells me she’s alright. Interested in the conversation, even.

“It just felt like coming home after a long day,” Chung-hei continues. “Like kicking off tight shoes and scrunching up your toes in the warm grass. Like the most common, simple things that life has to offer, that somehow make you believe that everything really will be alright in the end.”

My emotions get caught in my throat as I think about those little things and realize that it’s been far too long since I last drank in the beautiful normal.

“Wow.” I’m not sure who whispers it, but I grunt in agreement.

“That sounds so nice,” Sunmi says with wide eyes. Chung-hei smiles a radiant smile, one that isn’t too wide but reaches her eyes anyways.

“Yeah. It really is.”

The four of us get a little lost in our own thoughts, but eventually Christina clears her throat and shoots me a pointed look.

“So...what happened last night?”

Ah. Right.

Just like that, the reminder that my letter may very well be in Jimin’s hands right now has me fidgeting in my seat, just like I did all throughout my session with Dr. Mo.

With a tight smile, I explain the events of last night. How I essentially poured out my heart in the letter (this earns me a proud smile from Chung-hei), and how I confessed that he was all I wanted still.

The memory of him under those dazzling lights at the concert rush back to me. His white shirt loose on his body, hair swept back mainly because he kept running his hands through it. Full lips parting into a smile just as quickly as they would melt into a teasing pout. The crowd was wrapped around his finger, nearly as tightly as the bright red thread dangling from his left hand.

The thread that I stared and stared at while Chung-hei and I slipped backstage, growing ever nearer. Getting close enough that I swore I could hear his voice, his laugh like a waterfall.

I was drowning in that laugh, unable to come up for air until I found myself practically begging on my knees outside of Christina’s apartment.

“Hey,” Christina gently pulls me from my tormented state. “Are you nervous?”

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly before answering. “Yes.”

Sunmi, who sits beside me on the couch, wraps an arm around my shoulder and gives me a tight squeeze. Chung-hei abandons her food, leaving it on the coffee table and coming to sit on the other side of me.

“You told the truth,” she quietly comforts. “And that’s all you could do.”

I clench my jaw, staring at a wooden knot in the coffee table before me. “I told him that I forgave myself. But I feel like there’s so much I’ve done wrong, I hurt him too much-”

It’s Christina that rises from her chair and pushes everyone’s food aside until she can sit on the edge of the coffee table and reach out to cup my chin. Once I raise my eyes to hers, I see a raging fire in them.

“You don’t look back.” Her voice is made of steel straight out of the fire. “You cannot punish yourself for what’s already happened any more than you already have. Move forward. The only way to heal is to move forward and be better.”

I wonder for a moment how many times she’s repeated that to herself on the days when the shadows seemed a little darker and her past loomed a little larger.

“What do you think he’ll do?” I ask, my voice small.

Chung-hei sighs softly. “He still wants you...but I don’t know. He might need some time, Jolie.”

It stings, but I force myself to nod. My only hope is that he’ll allow me to somehow be a part of the time he needs to take for himself.

Eventually I ease into a semi-comfortable state, my friends chatting it up while I try to focus. Try as I might, my mind wanders back again and again to the letter. Maybe it got lost in the mail. Or maybe it won’t be delivered until tomorrow.

Maybe they really thought it was a bill and won’t open it for days, forgetting about it. It’s probably laying on that stupid kitchen island that Taehyung wants me to use for rolling dough out, collecting dust-

When my phone vibrates, I nearly jump out of my skin. My jolt makes Sunmi and Chung-hei jump as well, giggling lightly.

“Sorry,” I mumble, fishing my phone out of my back pocket. “My phone just-”

Elle’s bf 🙀: Hey...can we talk? Like, call?

I’ve rarely been able to curse fluently, but today appears to be the exception as a string of curses flow under my breath. The sentiment is mirrored as Sunmi and Chung-hei peer over my shoulder.

Christina doesn’t need to see the text to know what just happened. “He texted?”

“I’m gonna die,” I breathe out in response, heart rate ratcheting up at an alarming rate. “Dead, I’m dead-”

“Ok, look at me,” Chung-hei grabs my shoulders and forces a warm smile onto her face. “This is good-”

“Good?!” I shriek, looking down at my phone and back up at her. “How is this good? I feel like I’m gonna puke-”

“Great, but save the puking for after the phone call,” Chung-hei butts back in, taking charge of the moment. “Because right now there’s a boy on the other side of that message trying to be brave, and he needs you. He’s probably freaking out, and he needs some answers and reassurance that his soulmate really actually meant every word she wrote in that letter. And you meant it, didn’t you?”

I find myself nodding along, wishing that I hadn’t just eaten a ridiculous amount of food. Not as my stomach churns at the thought of talking in real time with Jimin.

“Go ahead and text him back,” Sunmi coos, the calm to Hei’s invincible will. “And...you know what, nevermind. I’ll ask about the way you have him saved under your phone later.”

It takes me an embarrassing amount of time to formulate a response, and even longer to type it out without making any typos. Staring at the send button, I groan, unable to press it just yet.

“I really might throw up.”

“I’ll get you a glass of water.” Christina springs up from the couch as Chung-hei begins to rub soothing lines up and down my arms. Despite the warm temperature in the room, I can’t stop shivering.

“If you want us here, that’s fine...but I also think it might be good for it to just be the two of you. So you can talk freely” Hei gently advises, so different from the little pep talk mere moments before.

I stare at the wall, chewing ferociously on the inside of my lip. The thought of my friends not being here makes me feel even more vulnerable, but at the same time I know this is something I have to do alone.

“Will you come back after?”

“Of course,” Sunmi reassures. “We’ll just go on a ride or something while you two talk. Text us when you’re done, and we’ll be back before you know it.”

Christina sets the glass of water in my hand, urging me to drink. With a few swigs that help to clear my head and temporarily calm my stomach, I press send.

Me: Of course. I’m free right now, go ahead and call if you can.

I’m not sure if I want to cry or squeal.

Both. I want to do both.

My three friends get up (Christina taking her food with her, a detail I hardly notice) and file through the door, offering me warm smiles and words of encouragement. Try and I might, I can hardly register them amidst the swirling feelings of panic and doubt crawling through my veins.

The sound of the door closing is what makes the first tear slip out.

Grabbing my phone and staring at the couch before deciding that I’d rather the comfort of my blankets and pillows, I jump and stub my toe against the coffee table when Elle jumps through the kitchen window. She appears to be unbothered, but follows me into my room and leaps onto the bed. She circles my feet before brushing up against my calves, laying between my legs. Resting her chin on my shin, she looks up at me with those big eyes of hers.

Waiting, just like I am.

I’m not sure how long it takes, but it feels like an agonizing eternity before the phone finally rings.

When it does, I scoop it up and stare at if for a moment. I pinch myself for good measure, giving myself one last chance to wake up.

Of course, I don’t wake up. This isn’t a dream. I realize that when my shaky thumb swipes to accept the call and I bring the phone to my ear.

It’s quiet, but I can hear the soft, shaky breath on the other side of the phone. Almost like Jimin was holding his breath but couldn’t quite hold it any longer.

It takes me approximately four seconds to remember that I’m supposed to say hello.

Of course, I fail even at that. “Jimin?”

It’s not the most eloquent way to answer the phone, but I need to know.

“Jolie.”

✂

“Jimin?”

Jimin stands outside on the balcony, facing the large pines that obscure his view of the rest of the neighborhood. When he hears the breathy, slightly panicked voice on the other end of the phone, he realizes that he should definitely be sitting down for this conversation.

“Jolie.” It’s a statement that should have been a question, but he knows - knew, from the single syllable his soulmate had utter, his name, no less, that it had been her.

It had to be her. His name had never sounded so beautiful coming from any other mouth.

When the silence stretches on, Jimin sinks to the ground and sits facing those great pines. The railing obstructs his view a bit, but it isn’t like he’s actually watching them. No, his gaze is a little dazed as he scrambles for something to say.

“I- I got your letter.”

There’s a pause in which Jimin is absolutely positive he hears a sniffle - the pitiful sound making him reach out to grab the metal bars of the balcony railing for support.

“Oh.” And then, “I’m sorry, I’m such a mess right now-”

“No, I am too,” Jimin rushes to reassure her. “I think it’s safe to say that we’re both a bit of a mess.”

He hears a wry chuckle and suddenly he can’t help but smile slightly, basking in the short-lived sound. “Jimin, I…”

“What?” Eager to hear what comes next, Jimin can’t help but widen his eyes as if that will urge Jolie to continue.

“I...t-thank you for the flowers.”

Someone might as well have brought him back to life. Shoulders relaxing and lungs expanding, Jimin blinks and finally sees the trees.

“Thank you for the letter.”

✂

Jimin’s voice is deeper than I thought it would be. His soft, angelic singing voice acts as a good cover for the delicious timbre coming through the phone.

Of course, I may be biased.

“You’re welcome,” I manage to squeak out. “You deserved an explanation. I hope it didn’t leave you more confused than before.”

“No,” he responds, dragging the word out in a way that makes me feel warm. “It was beautiful. I’m so sorry, Jolie, about your parents. I wish I could do something- change it.”

The familiar pang of pain strikes true, but it fails to linger like it normally does. “It’s nobody’s fault, Jimin.” His name is delicious on my tongue, and I fight the urge to say it again. “But I really, just...I know saying I’m sorry doesn’t cut it, but for what it’s worth...I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”

It’s quiet except for the sound of a breeze and distant chirping, leading me to believe that he’s outside. If I close my eyes, I’m right there with him.

“Thank you. I...that means a lot. Thank you.” He takes a deep breath, and I can tell that he’s getting to the reason he called in the first place. “This might sound a little strange, but I need to say it.”

“Go on,” I urge.

“You mentioned - don’t hate me, because you said it was the cheesy part,” I can’t help but snort at his playful manner that peeks through. “But you sounded like you were willing to give this a try…? Give us a try?”

Blinking rapidly to dispel any lingering tears, I nod even though he can’t see me. “Yes. But only if you want to. I completely understand if you feel like you can’t after everything that’s happened-”

“I want to. I- I want you.”

My heart pounding in my ears, I bite down a gasp. “You do?”

“But just...can we take this slowly?”

Letting out a sigh of relief, a tentative smile makes its way to my lips. “Yes, please.”

Judging from Jimin’s little laugh, he’s more than happy with my response. “Good. I just don’t want to be alone anymore, you know? And hey, if I remember correctly, you thought I was funny-

“Woah, I thought Jaemin was funny, not you. You’re gonna have to start all over now.”

Jimin makes a sound of protest that I hope masks the schoolgirl-like giggle I let out at the sound. “Really? You’re ridiculous. Hey! Is Elle there?”

“Oh, she is! She’s sitting here eavesdropping, wanna say hello?”

“Yes, put me on speaker. I’ve missed my cat.”

“Your cat? Really?”

“Yah, put me on speaker already-”

His voice cuts off, and I strain to hear another person that speaks in the background. It’s muffled, but despite the poor quality I can hear the panic in their voice. A moment later Jimin returns, however his joking banter is gone. Indeed, he sounds deadly serious as he tries to calmly speak.

“Jolie,” he begins, and suddenly it’s cold. “You’re at home, right?”

“Yeah,” I answer. “What happened?”

“Stay inside,” Jimin instructs, not answering my question. “Do not leave, you understand me? And don’t let anyone inside. I don’t care who it is, do not let anyone in.”

My blood runs cold at that. “Jimin, you’re scaring me, what’s going-”

“Promise me.”

The pure desperation in his voice leaves me paralyzed, but I manage to speak. “I promise. But Jimin, what’s happening? Is everything ok?”

“I’ll call you tonight, ok? Just- don’t leave.”

With that, he bids me goodbye and the line clicks off. Scrambling to pull up the numer, I immediately call Chung-hei.

It rings and rings, eventually going to her voicemail. I end the call only to begin a new one to Christina.

Again, no answer.

Sunmi’s number is the last one I try, holding the phone up to my ear. “C’mon, pick up, pick up,” I chant, pulling my knees up to my chest.

But it just rings, over and over again.

“Hello, this is Kang Sunmi. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to take your call, please leave a message-”

Ending the call with a violent jab, I start the calls again from the top.

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[capituloperdido1]

ACOSAS

Chapter 4

Happy Wednesday everyone! i apologize for the following chapter, it might be a little slow because i am trying to move some of the plot forward.

I will make it up to you guys with a Mor and Emerie one-shot that will come up later today or early tomorrow! Let me know if you want to be tagged in that.

As always, enjoy and let me know if you want to be tagged!

Warnings: Mentions of violence, anxiety attacks.

Gwyn had awoken at sunrise; she had dreamt of her sister again, the last two weeks had been a repetition of the dream. After the night she had accidentally made a bargain with Azriel, she had begun to cope with the weight of the dream much better.

She put on her Valkyrie leathers on, ignoring the need in her chest to knock at Azriel's door. The shadowsinger had been practically sleeping at her door each night, waiting for her to scream, talk or run out of the door startled.

Today was different, she had awoken conscious that what she had seen in her dream was not reality. She had decided once her eyes were open that she would not bother Azriel, even if his company helped ease the terror in her guts as she thought of the voice of her sister pleading and screaming.

Today, she had decided to go run at the beach.

Gwyn had grown accustomed to roam in the palace by herself, and even leave without anyone to the coliseum and the gardens. The palace at the top of the Lux city seemed to have no one around at any time; that made her feel comfortable, and safe.

Walking down the sidewalk towards the beach, Gwyn admires the view of the dawn's sky in the reflection of the salt-water. There was such beauty on the Day Court, the waters were clearer, the grass and trees fertile and strong, the animals seemed to have brighter colors in their skins. She did not remember much of her time in Sangravah, but she knew that unlike the Night and the Day court, the temple had lacked brightness and color. Or maybe that was just how her mind remembered, she didn't know.

The beach of Lux was as white as every wall in every corner of the city, the sand was soft, the seashells were pink and purple. She wondered how other courts did not become envious at the sight of such magnificent landscapes. Rhysand had the biggest court and Tarquin the best weather, but there was no doubt that Helion had built the court to be the best at everything else.

As she began stretching for her run, she heard the roaring sound of steps behind her. A spark lit up in her chest, hoping for a certain winged-male to come up behind her.

-I see the shadowsinger finally left your side- Amanecer said.

Disappointed, but happy to have some company, she looked at the female with bright eyes, - i think its the other way around, i finally left his side-

Amanecer took seat besides her, her training clothes were the color aesthetic of the court; white, gold and beige combined in her leathers. Her long locks were tied with a black band in the back of her head. -Do you mind if i train with you?- she said.

-Not at all, i am used to having someone around anyways-.

As they stretched, Gwyn began practicing some breathing exercises for long-distance training. Valkyries had developed different breathing patterns for different types of training; each one of them to control your mind and muscles to sustain whatever work they would be put under.

-When Helion mentioned you were training as a Valkyrie i did not believe him- Amanecer said, -It has been centuries since someone recognized them as warriors. After they were massacred, it was as if everyone forgot about them. I thought no one had any records of them, i see i was wrong-.

-Did you know them?- Gwyn asked.

Amanecer smiled, -my girlfriend was a Valkyrie, her name was Fortis, she was also from Lux; she worked in the court with Helion and my mother. I was able to train with the Valkyries, i studied with them and almost became one. -

-Why didn't you?-

-I tried, but i was not able to pass the final test- Amanecer responded.

Gwyn frowned, -I have not heard of a final test in the Valkyrie records i have-.

-That's because this court has most of the records, Helion was able to save their scrolls after they were massacred. We have them in a special part of this library-.

Gwyn felt her eyes open wide and her mouth gaping, -Can i see them?! I have been searching for more stories about them! I want to be able to honor them in our training back home-.

Amanecer's eyes found hers, her smile spreading as she heard Gwyn -I will take you there after we take our run- She said as she stood, - i will also teach you how to continue to focus on your breathing as you exercise, that will help your organs get stronger. It will help you channel the strength of your movements-. Amanecer began running as she finished her sentence, not looking back.

Gwyn followed her, writing down all the questions she would ask the female later in the morning in her mind.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

-Look at this bastard- someone said. -He believes he has the right to see the light, he should be kept here all day. No one should be able to see him, it would shame our family-.

Male laughter startled him a he opened his eyes.

He was ready to dream about it today, he always was ready.

But as his eyes opened in the dream he did not see himself kneeling in the ground looking up at his brothers; he was standing, looking down at a frail boy with long-curly hair and small broken wings.

The boy looked up, his honey-golden eyes and sharp features revealing the face of his brother.

Cassian was looking up to him, blood on his nose, his hands extended towards Azriel as voices besides him laughed.

Azriel heard a bump, and another body was placed besides Cassian. Long, dirty blonde hair and small female body keeled in front of him.

Mor.

Her brown eyes showed despair, they looked at him pleading. She trembled as she saw him.

Both kids looked at him with fear; their bodies bruised and bloody, their hands extended.

He realized as he moved his hands towards them that he was not in control of his own body. That these were not his actions.

In his right hand he had a lit up torch, in his left he had oil.

One male grabbed Cassians hand's, pullling towards Azriel.

Unable to do or say anything, he dropped oil on top Cassians hands, he neared the torch to his tiny hands...

As Cassian screamed in pain, Azriel tried and failed to stop, move away from his brother.

But he couldn't.

It wasn't long until he did the same to Mor, watching her fall into her knees as the pain of being burnt consumed her.

In his mind, he screamed and tried with all his might to move away from them, to stop inflicting pain.

But as Azriel saw Cassian's and Mor's hands being burnt to open flesh, he realized that he was in the body of one of his brothers. He was finally the monster he always thought himself to be.

Shooting upright Azriel lifted himself from the bed, startled and with tears in his eyes. He moved towards the bathroom, looking for cold water that would confirm this was real.

He remember how vivid and real that dream had been, the smell of the room, the feeling of the torch and the oil in his skin. As if the dream had been a reality.

But looking down to his hands he confirmed that it had been just that. A dream.

As he prepared himself a bath, he began recalling every instance of the dream. It had not been normal, the realistic feel, the fact that he was seeing Cassian and Mor so clearly.

He had met Mor as a teen, never as a child.

Something was wrong.

He had begun to suspected when Gwyn told him that the nightmares with her sister had continued, that they got more and more realistic as each night passed. As if with each passing night, the dreams became more the reality; and one day, neither of them would be able to awake from his nightmares.

Azriel had never dreamt of being the one inflicting pain. Whenever he dreamt about his brothers or his mom being burnt, he was on the sidelines doing nothing. He was never torturing.

Something was wrong, and he would find out. Before the nightmares would make him and Gwyn never sleep again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.

Valkyries lived all across Prythian, they had a temple in every court, and all high lords had been forced to recognized them as warriors. According to the books Amanecer had lent her, Valkyries had been around for millennia; they had fought besides the High King, had endured the first wars and some of them had made it to some of the wars of the last five centuries.

To the world, they had been eradicated after a surprise attack in the war of five hundred years. Some of them had survived the war, going into exile from all societies. A few of the high lords of the time, Autumn, Dawn, Spring, and Night had trashed or burnt every record of their existence. Others, like the Summer and Day court, had taken the scrolls and weapons from certain temples in their courts into safe-houses.

There were theories that the attack had been an inside job from some courts that wanted to stop the females from gaining popularity among women in patriarchal societies.

In the night court, according to the law of 300 years ago, spreading the story of the Valkyries was prohibited and would be punished by death.

Some high lords had fought side by side with the warriors; Helion had been one of them. One of the scrolls revealed that the High Lord had mandated that all young women would have training in at least one form of Valkyrie fighting style. He had even made a female unit just for his safety.

As she read, she realized that all of Prythian had done an excellent job of forgetting the power and influence of the female warriors. Amanecer had explained that everything they owned concerning the Valkyries had to be protected because of certain groups that wanted to erase them from history.

The book she currently read revealed several locations around the country where temples had existed. Each Valkyrie temple specialized in one form of fighting, they trained for different weather conditions, enemies and defense strategies according to where the temple was located.

A symbol marked with silver ink marked the temple Gwyn guessed was the principle one, across borders of the Spring and Summer court:

The temple of Ivor is in a forest thick with trees, slippery leaves, and rough vines; with a hot and humid temperature. The combined scent of vegetation, moisture, soil, and decaying plants and wood will be overbearing as you walk towards it. The location of Ivor had been decided in order to maintain people away from it.

Ivor is a place were only few warriors live at, but all warriors must survive.

There is a creature, deep in this forest that will test your bravery and will. Not many are able to survive it.

Only the worthy will pass to Ivor, only the worthy will become Valkyrie.

Heavy and slow footsteps pulled her out of her reading trance, as she lifted her head, she was welcomed with the sight of a winged male with a face looking towards the floor and hair covering his honey eyes.

-What's wrong?- she asked him

He took a moment to respond, walking closer to her and closing some distance between them. -I had a bad night- he said quietly.

She stood, bringing a chair to her current space of work and tapping it so he would sit next to her. -Do you want to talk about it?-

-No.- He said, quiet and harsh.

-Hmm.... would you like to go relieve some stress?- she said, trying to lighten his mood.

-If you don't mind, i would like to go train right now. Maybe that would help- he answered.

She smiled slightly, and nodded. -Go Azriel, i am sure i can be by myself a little longer.-

Without saying anything else, Azriel turned his back to her and walked out of the library and left.

Gwyn tried to go back to reading, tried to involve herself into the story as much as she could. But she was failing to read more than one sentence without thinking back to Azriel and his sad eyes.

She was worried about him.

He took everything that happened to him too hard.

He thought of himself so low.

Sometimes, she worried that he would not be able to move on. That he was not going to ever be happy.

She stood, putting the books in a pile she would likely not come back to until the next day.

She walks toward the door with one goal in mind: she is going to make Azriel smile, no matter what.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The rock weights are heavy against Azriels sweaty shoulders, he squats low for the fiftieth time, trying to feel the pain as he releases all his emotions through the exercise.

He has been training for two hours, running, lifting, jumping and swimming. Doing everything in his power to stop thinking, stop picturing the nightmare in his mind.

He has not been able to.

-Oi! you're going to break your back if you lift more rocks man- Helion says.

He looks towards the high lord, dressed in his typical white robes and golden accessories. He carries a small envelope, he is coming towards him.

-I have good news my friend- he says, extending the paper towards him.

Azriel grabs the paper, and opens it without responding to Helion.

-It's an invitation to the next big event of Prythian, Cassian and Nesta are finally doing it. - Helion says,

Azriel had guessed that neither Cassian nor Nesta were going to come and give the invitation personally. They were probably too busy to stop by and check on them. Besides, the ceremony would be in less than a month; they were seeing them soon.

Azriel was glad that Cassian was not here, if he saw his brother he would probably fall down to his knees and beg him to forgive him. Forgive him for something he had not yet done.

-Thank you, Helion- Azriel said, going back to his training.

-What's got your wings on a twist now? - Helion asked

He rolled his eyes in response, -nothing, stop being such a busy body-

Helion smiled, getting dangerously close to him, -you use to like it when i was a busy body-.

Azriel couldn't help but to look at him amused, -stop flirting, you can't handle me- he dropped the weights and walked towards the water station. -Actually, i do have a question.... Have you had any unusual dreams, as of late? Anything that seems too real, to be true?-

The male looked at him surprised, -well... yeah. The last few weeks I've had terrible nightmares, I've barely been able to sleep-

-When did they start exactly-

-Well... when Rhys informed me that you guys were coming. At first they were just glimpses during my afternoon nap, but lately is every time i sleep. I feel like i am inside of the dream, actually living it. But, i wonder, why are you asking me?-

Azriel served the High Lord a cup of water, pouring one for himself, - Gwyn and i have been having them as well. She has been dreaming about the same thing nonstop. getting progressively worse. In my case, well, i had a nightmare that was out of the ordinary yesterday-.

-So what's the hunch?- Helion said.

-They are not normal, i think someone.... or something is causing them. And i think it has to do with the trove, the fact that we are looking for it. I think we should be careful, if there something that we should've learned by now is that magic is not subjective to what we know. There is so much that exists, so much we don't know about it. And we also have so much enemies, that we should not be surprised if they are doing something to us for trying to get somewhere we should not.-

Helion nodded, - alright, tell me what to do. I will help in any way i can, you're the spy after all-.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Azriel was stretching when Gwyn arrived.

She had guessed that he needed time by himself, but she was not giving up on talking to him yet.

-It seems as if an earthquake passed through this training field- she said, walking towards him.

He smiles as he looks up towards her, -I had to try out the equipment, before you go ahead and break it-.

Her heart flutters as he sees the half smile he throws her way, she had come all this way to make him smile and she had done it in less than two minutes. -I do not break the equipment, it is simply bad quality and using ti properly destroys it. The Night court is just too cheap to buy it-.

He stood, walking towards her as he used a towel to wipe the sweat off his brow. -I will tell your High Lord and Lady that you just called him cheap-

-You would not dare!- she said.

-Try me.-

She dropped her gaze slightly, feeling the heat rising to her cheeks at his proximity. -Are you... feeling better?- she asks, trying to ignore the filthy thoughts in her mind at the sight of the beautiful sweaty male in front of her.

His smile falters, -a little... I needed to sweat it out.-

-What happened? You were really affected by it- she says.

He stays quiet, looking deeply at her.

A minute passes, he does not answer. Instead, he exhales and says -we are working on our bargain today, there is something i want to show you-.

He does not want you to know, she realizes.

She drops the subject and smiles, -where? are we going today?-

-We are going to a board walk around the city, later tonight. It has some shops open, but it won't be crowded- he explains. -then tomorrow we can try to practice going near my mom. If you are comfortable flying towards the Night Court with me-.

-You know i wont back down, sounds like a deal shadowsinger- she said, leaving him to start getting ready for the night.

She wished she had Nesta besides her to get ready.

Nesta could've told her how in the mother she was to put on the dress she had in front of her.

The deep green gown decorated with white flowers had been a gift from her friend, who had encouraged to wear something other than her training clothes and her priestess robe. The dress was long, and it seem to be loose fitted with a somewhat tight bodice. The trick was to tight it in the back, the straps of the dress were supposed to form a corset like back that would be tight according to the body of the person using it.

She was nervous, freaking out even.

She could not believe she was finally going to a city, walking around with people besides her.

Two months ago this would have not happened, she would've never left the library. But now here she was, getting ready to hang out with the man she loved while also wearing normal clothes.

Gwyn looked at herself in the mirror, looking at the dress falling down to her knees, the long crimson hair that she had brushed so it would fall straight around her face. She looked different, powerful, pretty, happy.

Something is missing, she thought as she went towards her jewelry box.

She had not worn the pendant since it had arrived in her room all those months ago in solstice, it was the first gift she had received in the two years she had been in the library.

It was her most priced possession.

As she placed the flower pendant in her neck, she dreamt of finding whoever had given it to her. She had asked Nesta and Emerie about, both looking confused when she mentioned how it had arrived to her rooms.

The necklace was beautiful, the golden flower had a small amethyst stone as the center of the pendant making it delicate and elegant.

She looked at herself again, and smiled.

She gathered her courage and left the rooms, hoping this night would also bring her courage to get closer to the man waiting for her at the entrance of the palace.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The sky in Lux was rather overwhelming, during the day it was bright and it shined excessively. At night, the stars seemed like another sun came into view, many parts of the city did not need to use oil lamps to light up their streets, the stars bright enough.

Azriel hated seeing something so bright when he was trying to be as broody as possible.

Even with all the hours at the training field, he had not been able to forget or evade the pain in his chest as he thought of the dream that haunted him.

He was such a hypocrite, two weeks ago he followed Gwyn everywhere to make sure she would not suffer from her nightmares. But here he was, burying himself in his feelings and ignoring anyone who wanted to help him.

He knew Helion and Gwyn would not judge him by his dream, but he was too embarrassed and angry at himself to tell anyone what he had seen.

He should be smarter, knowing it was just that... a dream.

But it had felt so real.

He had actually wanted to send a letter to Cassian to ask if he was okay.

Mor... he would evade Mor for a little while more. When he saw her again he would probably not talk about his dream, but they would finally have that talk he had needed for so long.

Azriel ran his fingers through his hair, pulling some strands to make himself distract that feeling in his chest that had been messing with him since the morning.

He would start investigating, the dreams were not normal. There was something wrong and he would find out what, before he could see anyone else being hurt by his hands in his dreams.

He exhaled, letting his mind travel to the flashback of the dream. Drowning himself in the pain of being alive.

The doors at the palace entrance opened, and a gust of wind settling him into reality.

Light, fast step sounded nearer as he lifted his head.

-I am so sorry I'm late, i could not find this damn exit anywhere- Gwyn said.

His eyes widened as he took her in.

His shadows darken and begged him to fly towards her, embrace her.

She had change out of her training outfit into a beautiful green dress, her hair down and flowing as she ran towards him.

But what caught his attention was not the dress, or the shoes.

The priestess wore the pendant he had given her in solstice. The golden chain jumping up and down in her neck as she neared him.

He thought he heard Gwyn say something as she stopped in front of him. But he was not listening, focusing his stare in the neck of the woman in front of him.

Something in his chest fluttered, happiness rising in him for the first time in the day.

His stupid male pride growing, Gwyn was wearing something of his around her neck.

A declaration his mind was not ready to understand but his heart pushed forward.

He finally moved his eyes to see her, chocked with how only three weeks of being in a new court has made Gwyn shine so brightly.

She seems happier, stronger, and even more beautiful.

He feels a smile appearing in his face, broad and full as he takes her deep blue eyes looking at him.

She is so brave.

She catches him smiling, and her eyes shine even brighter. A smile of plump lips and white teeth forming on her angelic face.

Right there, makes a promise to himself to try harder, to follow her example.

To do anything to bring her to smile like that again and again until it sticks forever.

TAGLIST: @imsointobooks , @gwynkyrie , @trashforazriel

[star-anise]

I don't know if this is crossing boundaries to ask so feel free to ignore, but do you have any advice for someone with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, an intolerance for ambiguity and a history of social ostracization / access to the In-Group being dependent on Some Unsafe Shit for figuring out where one stands with an online social circle? Like, if one really feels like they're being neglected / put on a shelf, but doesn't know how to address it without receiving platitudes that it's not

(insecurity ask cont.) Really that bad / wasn't intentional / sure they still LIKE one they just kept happening to be busy at the time - etc. Basically figuring a way through the situation if one doesn't want to do what the Anxiety wants, which is cut run and self isolate, but doesn't find the allistic normative reassurance of "oh no we really do want you around sweaty : )" reassuring or helpful in the least.

This is a live topic of discussion in my friend-groups, since my close social circle is like 95% people with a history of being bullied, serious brainweasels* around social shit and rejection, ASD and/or ADHD, and seriously geeky social skills. So my response is not like, “We have a Method! It works! I’m patenting it!” nearly so much as “Um... this is what seems not to have exploded too badly so far.” And I’m answering this publicly rather than privately because other people have useful things to contribute too. 

*(Brainweasel = little nasty thing that eats your brain)

(Like seriously if anyone DOES have A Method I’m all ears because I still do the self-isolation self-destruct way too easily)

Anyway. THE GOOD STUFF (which got really long):

I’ve personally found that it helps to make it really clear to people that if something is wrong, I want to know. I literally say, “My personal definition of Hell is when I think I’m having a happy fun time with a friend who is enjoying themselves, but in reality, I’m annoying them and they secretly resent me for it. Please don’t put me in that situation.”  It’s kind of the opposite of asking for validation--it’s trying to reduce my own emotional hypervigilance, and also shifting the burden of dealing with the problem to the other person. Now, if they find me annoying, they have to do something about it--either spend less time with me, or let me know what’s up.

Asking for things and saying “No is an okay answer!”

Being open about my wants and needs while also letting people know how much I’m willing to compromise. “I don’t know what anybody else is feeling, but for dinner I have a mild preference for pizza,” or “I’m in the kind of mood where I basically want someone to talk to about this creative project for an hour in a really intense, informed, and interested way that also doesn’t step on my creative vision’s toes, or I don’t want to talk about it at all. So unless someone really wants to talk about it, how’s the weather?”

If you can find people who are geeks about feelings and have done a lot of introspection and can be very honest, and basically didn’t think that Twitter thread about asking friends for consent for emotional labour was a bad thing? That’s probably going to help, since when you’re all in the middle of dealing with moderate-to-severe brainweasels that is the kind of wrangling that needs to happen.

Hacking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, if you can do it. I’ve had to explain to several people now: DBT is fundamentally about trying to unlearn you from a system of If I Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out, to having a more flexible, more adaptive set of skills that you can see in a kind of pro/con fashion and decide which of life’s sucky parts you’d rather deal with because it gets you your preferred set of upsides. The problem is: DBT kind of presents itself as a system of If You Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out! So especially for my Autistic friends, doing DBT, while useful, involves considerable arguing with the system, deciding which of it works for you and which of it doesn’t, and hacking it apart and rearranging it in your own idiosyncratic way. This isn’t actually failing to do DBT, it’s using the methods DBT teaches you on DBT itself. 

Finding a therapist who can treat baseline-neurodivergent LGBTQ+ nerds with complex trauma IS difficult, but not impossible. Not every therapist can do it. (I personally am considering giving up finding one in my city, and making use of the temporary relaxation of restrictions on distance practice across jurisdictional boundaries thanks to COVID-19 and phoning up my old therapist a province over.) If you can’t get a personal recommendation, I recommend literally cold-emailing about a half-dozen likely suspects from Psychology Today or Theravive and asking them, “Do you have any training or experience in treating [geeks/adults with complex trauma/queer people/whatever has made therapists act like cats with boots on around you before]?”

To wildly veer back to your original question

Imagine something that someone could do for you that would make you feel warm and loved. Something that would take a minute or less to do. When you’re feeling unloved, say “I’m feeling down, could anyone do [this thing] for me?” That’s literally why I ask people to show me cat pictures--I have times when I feel sad and alone and like the entire world hates me, and that’s a VERY big feeling for anyone to step in and fill, so instead? I ask for cat pics.

This, I should add, required going back into my trauma memories and deprogramming the origin of my Nice Things Are Evil Poison If I Asked The Person To Be Nice To Me brainweasel. Which is part of why I’m so insistent on asking people not to put me in my personal Hell situation.

Like, sometimes with my clients, we literally create a restaurant menu of Things People Could Do If They Wanted To Be Nice To Me, ranging from cheap $5 items like cat pics and memes to $200 bottles of wine that would be getting married and taking out a mortgage together. Sometimes we talk Love Languages just to go through several different sensory modalities. Then, if creating that menu wasn’t scary enough, they start telling their friends what’s on the list. “I really like things with dragons on them” or "I love to know when somebody’s thinking of me even when I’m not there” or “I really wish I had someone to watch movies with”. This reduces the cognitive load if somebody wants to reach out to you but doesn’t know how.

Relatedly: If you’re in a bad mood and doing something to self-regulate, you might consider letting people know what’s going on. People who are merely being civil might interpret “I’m feeling terrible about myself today” as “You are now socially obligated to blow smoke up my ass”; moderating the statement with a positive attempt to make things better, like “I’m focusing on my shoes a lot today because I feel like crap but they make me happy” or “I’m going to go try to shake this awful mood with Netflix” removes that pressure because it’s a problem with a built-in solution, so they’re not socially impolite if they ignore it. If people want to be emotionally closer to you, it opens the door for them to either ask about your problem, or contribute to your solution (”Oooh, I do like those shoes”) (”Have you seen this new series?”).

Okay so

Here’s the other thing

When you’re used to the one being rejected, you can spend SO much energy trying to make relationships work, and when they don’t, you just kind of shut down and fall over

What if (if you scraped together enough spare Cope) you said to yourself, “Whatever is going on--whether it’s them, or me, or whatever--I am not getting my needs met, so I’m going to back away from them a bit and focus on finding something new? They may not be evil or bad, but I’m going to downgrade them on my priority list.”

Like I’m just saying: Think about it. Every once in a while it’s possible it isn’t your fault, but the other person... just isn’t up to being the kind of friend you need right now, and no effort of yours can improve them at this time, so you’re going to let them shape up if they can but start focusing your attention elsewhere.

I realize that’s like the social equivalent of asking a homeless person to dip into their savings and start a business. But, just... sometimes you just need better friends.

Okay, it’s 2am and I’ve run out of ideas. Anyone else?