#brainweasels

[marlynnofmany]

"Is that why I've been feeling so clearheaded lately? Huh! Good to know. Anyway--"

Over the years of extensive cybernetic augmentation you installed various artificial alternatives to your organs and even added some implants to your brain. You’ve just been informed that your organic components have all been dead since last week.

[ragedaisy]

.

[taibhsearachd]

Rambling to my wife about how I've been inexplicably nauseous today, and I don't understand why but it's miserable, and they just casually drop that I sound incredibly anxious.

Because there is a specific cadence I use when my anxiety levels are real high. Apparently. Which is a thing I didn't know about myself and don't know how to detect now that I have been made aware of it.

Anyway highly recommend getting yourself a service human, it's like having a psychiatric service dog but they can use words to inform you of the issue instead of just paws and noses.

[teaandinanity]

Fanart for a certain scene in chapter 3 of Servant to a Different King by @tossawary that smacked me upside the head and said 'DRAW' (I am having such a good time, it is such a treat to read!)

[loversandantiheroes]

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but if you're any sort of creative artist that struggles with mental health and the way it affects your ability to create the way you want to (and perhaps feel you need to), please play Alan Wake 2.

Sam Lake gets it.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

i spent a real long time pretending to be chill about nsfw jokes and stuff in group chats and joining in with it where possible and bringing in weird bad quotes from academic queer theory to laugh at them and stuff and the whole time just feeling strange and ashamed and completely unable to discuss any of those topics *earnestly*

and gradually over time the shame about the jokes lessened but i was still only ever able to talk about those topics *as jokes*. i got good at them. i'm regularly the person lowering the tone of the whole group chat, tbh, though this is partly bc some of my group chats are with (mostly straight) people who are simply Not That Online. and still when it came to Real Stuff i felt only shame and embarrassment. but i'd squash it! i was really fucking good at squashing it! i could make jokes so evidently i was totally fine and normal about all of this. i never considered that sometimes i was the one lowering the tone bc being perpetually out of my comfort zone meant i'd lost sight of boundaries and appropriateness tbh, I was too busy feeling like I was getting away with something that i could pretend so well

and when other people were talking about their experiences or looking for advice i was there. i talked the talk. i did my best. i found the resources and i never ever let the shame show. and once during one of these conversations somebody said to me that they wished they could be that chill and sex positive and it made me realise how fucking good i was at pretending while inside i was still that nineteen-year-old who didn't know where the clitoris was and, even after they learned, wouldn't masturbate on sundays because it felt weird and blasphemous

i spent so long so full of shame. completely and utterly imprisoned by it and saturated by it and unable to escape it no matter how hard i squashed it down and pretended to be all enlightened and chill and relaxed about sex. and we joke about tumblr being the celibacy website, and the internet gets more hostile to "adult" content all the time and this is hardly an exception, but tumblr has still been crucial to breaking out of that mindset. all the yearning and the horny shitposting and the reminder to kill the cop/evangelical youth leader inside your head here has helped me, actually, to realise that sometimes you're allowed to want stuff for real. not just as a joke

and having a place where i feel even a little bit anonymous (even if i do have some irl friends as mutuals) has also been essential to feeling like i can voice some of those wants out loud and not have my whole face and life attached to it. which has also been a crucial step. i can't say that shit to my friends because my friends know me. i can only say it to you because you don't. but that's a step forward from saying it to nobody

[pavlovianfuckery]

me writing raunchy smut: tee hee ho ho *twirls villain moustache*

me writing more tender smut with feelings: *hides face in hands* this is so embarrassing someone kill me now

[jupiterjunebug]

4 and 12!

4. A story idea you haven't written yet

I've been sitting on a Severance inspired au that I thought up actually after reading your Eternal Sunshine au fic haha! Very loosely inspired....i havent watched severance.......

Then I also have the Steampunk circusy au tho I'm thinking I might make it Dishonored inspired because I adore dishonored and it would hive me an excuse to replay it while im entering promo mode (I can only get comfortable writing a chara if I listen to enough of their speech to make educated guesses on how theyd phrase things....voice is the thing im the strictest about with myself and BOY does it make writing guys from a promotion whose primary language I don’t speak. Hard)

12. A trope you're really into right now

Monster/magic is real fics. Whether it just be "yes, the goths are real witches" or full on "these guys that are completely normal in kayfabe are werewolves". My daydream au that im not going to write because it is in no way coherent narratively is one where I've just started incorporating monster headcanons as they click with me.

[advestager]

re: last rb and disregarding its objective coolness factor when i can get past my phobia: good god WHY won't anyone tag their fuckin insects so i can blacklist them!!!! i can't make informed choices abt when my mental health can handle LITERAL TRAUMA IN 4K if i don't know the video is gonna be bugs until it's ALREADY STARTED PLAYING

[baronmpontmercy]

Shakes myself by the shoulders stop! Comparing! Yourself! To! Other! People! It! Makes! You! Feel! Worse!

[rugessnome]

what have i lost by not actively being weird about my blorbos on main lately?

what have I lost.

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

it's one of those nights I catch myself begging 'please' to empty air in hopes that the universe might hear and be a little kinder, a little more lenient, just for a bit. just a bit.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

i fucking hate having memory loss. i've reconciled to missing large chunks of 2015 but i lost 5-10 minutes of today completely and it's fucking me up. it's gone. totally wiped. i remember the beginning of the conversation and the end of it but i couldn't tell you a single thing that was said in it, not even the general vibes, and it was a conversation i was pretty invested in having and i know WHY my brain yeeted it (it was processing a lot of info at that specific moment, i'm tired, it was between two different moments of stress/stimulation, pain) but. it feels bad. it's always really scary to reach for something you should know and find it's completely gone, leaving a void behind. like that was today. I was fucking there. where is it. why don't I know what happened

[fierceawakening]

This is highly interesting and amusing.

I have PTSD and have always struggled with suicidal thoughts and desire to self harm. Sometime in 2016 or 2017 I went on Prozac, first time I tried an antidepressant, and it helped. The last time I went to a head shrinker the woman was dead set on me trying Luvox instead, and I filled the rx but didn't trust her so I continued taking Prozac rather than try it.

I ran out of Prozac recently and DID NOT want to see this woman again to ask her to refill it given that I expected her to just give me a spiel about Luvox... which I had a large unexpired supply of.

So I went what the hell.

It also helps but in a different way, and this is FASCINATING just as an observing my own brain thing.

Thoughts: Kill yourself! Or at least cut. You're worthless. I will give you ALL THE EMOTIONS so you obey.

Me on Prozac: You know, I get you, but I don't quite feel bad enough to try that. Maybe later?

Me on Luvox: I’m not in a good mood, but those things you're telling me to do? They're just... obviously irrational. There's no reason to think of myself as evil. FFS I work at a homeless shelter! No.

Thoughts: I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE EMOTIONS

Me on Luvox: Huh, I'm not feeling a thing.

Thoughts: Um. BOO?

Me: Yeah no that would be silly. I'm not going to do that.

THIS IS FASCINATING

I am not sure which is the greater improvement, or even how I'd tell. They're wildly subjectively different experiences.

I thought on the Prozac I was better at emotional regulation but I'm beginning to think that I wasn't actually, that I was just feeling less bad enough to feel like I could control it, if that makes sense.

On the Luvox I just feel like "the brainweasels are attempting Feel Bads! Frontal lobe shields holding at 72%."

WELL. HUH.

[aflyingcontradiction]

The worst fucking thing is, that dream of a world where "non-consensual death" has been banished is something that I morally have to support because I believe in bodily autonomy. But holy fucking shit it would be a nightmare world for me to live in. The mere thought makes me nauseous. Fortunately it's not realistically going to be an issue I'll ever face but I once again find myself in the position of having to convince my bullshit brainweasels of that and thoroughly regretting my choice to open my tumblr today.

[medinaquirin]

Like seriously, trying to actually reach out for help is terrifying enough, but then having people actually try to help you is more terrifying because you just get to a point where you assume that anyone that does is just trying to manipulate you and take advantage of you or is going to upend whatever shred of normalcy you're fighting to maintain and that is not a helpful reaction!!!!!

Wow everything about the healing process is fucking terrifying.