#i have nothing to say for myself! don’t perceive me!

[thislovintime]

Audio from Connecticut Public Radio, April 25, 2013.

“‘My parents were only-child type adults and their attitude when I was a baby and demanded attention, was, ‘Let him cry, he’ll get over it.’ As a result I’ve always felt a slightly abnormal need for extra affection. Until I was twenty, my life was overwhelmed by the pressures of discipline. The informality of The Monkees and the popularly of the show satisfies me.” - Peter Tork, interviewed by Lou Larkin for Photoplay, September 1967 “I had pathological self value. I really didn’t have a sense of it at all. I didn’t get why. I thought I had been picked almost at random. I didn’t have any sense of myself bringing anything except that character to the Monkees. What I thought they hired me for was that character, and I think to this day that that had a lot to do with it. I didn’t recognize how that sprung forth from whom who I really am. I thought I was faking them out. I thought I was handing them a lie and they were buying the lie — and so how could I value myself? Any time you compliment somebody and they can’t take the compliment, what they’re saying to you is, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ That’s the message that anybody with low self-esteem gives back when somebody compliments them. Which is where I was. All that played into this fame thing. And it plays backwards, too. The reason that I got into the fame game was because I didn’t have any sense of value. I thought, ‘Jeez, if I can get the millions to love me then I’ll be all right.’ I got the millions to love me — and it still wasn’t all right. What a surprise. Ha, ha, ha.” - Peter Tork, Toxic Fame: Celebrities Speak on Stardom (1996) Audio transcript: “No, no, no, I wanted to lose myself (chuckles), it was all about, bye-bye, I didn’t like the guy I was. I… the whole thing about—…do you want to talk about fame and why fame and charisma and why those things? Because I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a long time and we can get, it’ll get kind of serious if we do. The long and the short of it is that I don’t believe that anybody gets to be famous without needing the adulation as a substitute for reasonable affection and love in the early on. And of course you need, you need a certain amount of support anyway, you need parents who are—who provide healthy, physically healthy, and aren’t there for you at some—or at least you perceive them to be. I have to say, I don’t know whether my parents were emotionally neglectful; I know that I felt neglected. It may not be on them at all, it may just be a, you know, a quirk of nature. I’m discovering that I’m not built like a lot of other people In a lot of ways, but be that as it may, the sense of being isolated leads me to think that if I can only get the millions to love me then it’ll be all right, you know. And of course no amount of times that I tell you, or how many, how I go about telling you what it was like would prepare you to walk out and suddenly be in the middle of that. But in fact the rest of it is… I mean, it’s all human anyway. Nothing human is denied anybody human, basically; I really believe this very strongly.” - Peter Tork, Connecticut Public Radio, April 25, 2013

[legallypumpkinn]

Heehee hoohoo I just found something out that really made my jealousy go kaploot hoohoo haha!!

[justrymesblog]

Before you read this, I want you to know that this message might be hard to hear, but it could also be the beginning of the change you’ve been seeking.

Many of us, myself included, spend our lives searching for a savior, an epiphany, or something external to rescue us: a book, a speech, a mentor, a sign. We think that this one thing will open the doors to a better life. We cling desperately to small details, convincing ourselves they’re the confirmation we need to keep going: mirror numbers on a clock, a fallen feather, a butterfly crossing our path. We say, “It’s a sign from the universe, I’m on the right track”—all while staying trapped in a cycle we hate but find so hard to escape.

We often become slaves to the material world. We buy talismans, books, or listen to subliminal audios on repeat, seeking immediate results: “Why isn’t this audio working?”, “How many times do I need to listen to it to see a change?” We even sleep with headphones on, hoping it will speed up the process, yet the change never seems to come.

I understand you because I’ve been there.

It took me years to escape that cycle. Years of feeling lost, stuck, tied to my own thoughts and patterns. I spent months not knowing what to do, always ending up back at the same point. I turned to religions where I never felt truly at home. I prayed in churches, temples, and altars, waiting for miracles that never came. I lived believing that something external would change my destiny, but each attempt only led to disappointment. The reality? Nothing changed—or worse, things got even harder.

Then I realized: the only salvation comes from within.

We are the architects of our lives. Our minds are the most powerful tool we have. There are no limits beyond the ones we impose on ourselves. Imagine something unimaginable—a dream, a reality that seems impossible—and yet, you have the power to manifest it! But here’s the challenge: you must truly believe it. You must understand that you are in complete control.

If you want to be wealthy, you can achieve it. If you desire perfect health, unconditional love, travel, or anything else, it’s within your reach. Nothing is too big or too small for your creative power. But first, you must let go of limiting ideas like, “I wasn’t born rich” or “My life would have been different if I had better advantages.” These thoughts are just chains you’ve placed on yourself.

The first step to change is to take full responsibility for everything that has happened in your life. Yes, everything. It’s difficult, but that’s the key: accepting that you created your current reality, which means you also have the power to transform it.

If you’re tired of living the same way, PUT AN END TO IT.

Dare to change. Break free from everything that limits you. Rebuild your story from scratch. One of my favorite phrases always reminds me:

"When you see no way out, remember: the end is the beginning of everything."

Did you know there are scientific experiments that prove the incredible power of our minds? The CIA has documented studies on practices like remote viewing, where individuals can perceive things beyond space and time. These studies are not theories or pseudoscience—they are real evidence of our infinite potential.

There are also studies about how our thoughts impact matter. Researchers like Masaru Emoto demonstrated how our emotions and words can alter the molecular structure of water. If our words can affect something as tangible as water, imagine what they can do to your life, your cells, and your entire reality.

The limits don’t exist, except in your mind.

Life is as malleable as clay in the hands of a sculptor. And you are the sculptor. The question is no longer “What can I achieve?” but “What can’t I create?”

The time you have is precious. Use it to build the life you truly want, because the only obstacle standing between you and your dreams is you. The key is to believe and to act from that powerful force within you.

Remember: nothing is impossible. The moment to transform your life begins now.

[astrogre]

Astro observations 2

Disclaimer: I would like to confirm that my observations are the niche ways in which a placement may manifest, it is the way I’ve noticed it in others, the people around me, celebrities, myself and in my studies. It is not the doctrine wide broad way the placement occurs for everyone.

Jupiter 7H can have a reputation of wanting EVERYONE. Anyone with a pulse, they like everyone, usually their dating history is so diverse that if you put all their love interests in a room together it would be the most strangest group of people. Drake has this placement and he is known for wanting, going on dates with or having a relationship with Nicki minaj, Ice Spice, Jorja smith, JLo, Kylie Jenner, Tyra Banks, Sza, Hailey Beiber, Serena Williams, literally everyone. Marilyn Monroe also has this placement and people would say the same about her. With this placement it can make the native have interest with a lot of people. You can have plenty of potential partners.

Having 12H placements Sun especially can make you feel like your gifts, talents, purpose or whatever planet topic is in it, was made for others. Like serving an ungrateful, complaining customer that ends up eating the entire plate anyway. You individually may not be selfless but it feels like the planet in the 12H benefits others and not you. It feels like a fire that burns to keep others warm.

Conjuncts to the MC (planets and asteroid) show what you are most known for in the workplace, what you’re like at your best self too. Any placements conjunct to MC show what you are like at the peak of your life and how you act in your career and what are known for in your career. That’s how MC can indicate what your career is because it focuses on who you are at your best and how others see you in the workplace and go off from there. Eg. Aquarius MC conjunct Uranus and Webb may indicate you being tech savvy at your best self so astrologers may assume you’re in tech industry or well known online, but you can still be for an example a doctor that aids in treatment with technology, your MC sign doesn’t mean you exclusively work in the industry the sign represents, it just shows you the way you work in the industry you pursue

Neptune 1st housers may look completely different to their parents. Like you can see a hint of their parents features on their face but they don’t look that much like them. They can be born with features that are contrary to their birth parents like red hair and blue eyes in an all brunette family. Or it can be a subtle difference like they appear as if they’re from a different country, people guess their ethnicity incorrectly like all the time.

With Neptune 1st house There is nothing particularly special about these natives physical appearance in particular, they MAKE themselves special. The way they carry their physical body and animate it, is what makes these people so different and admired. They’re like puppeteers for their physical bodies. This is a continuous pattern I’ve seen, like if you just saw these people on the street sure -you’d think they’re pretty.. but not necessarily “otherworldly”, what makes these individuals perceived as such is the way they control/express their behavior. I have noticed Neptune here makes people VERY controlling over their appearances, it does make me question if Neptune is a subtly secretly controlling planet, if it manipulates subconsciously, like a child conveniently stepping on other’s sandcastles when running on the beach so they don’t have to wait their turn for the buckets, these natives can accidentally bring about their ideal version of themselves to reality and everyone is like who is this??? It’s more so like they customised their avatar in their head and showed it to everyone here in the physical plane. It’s like they made themselves a game characters in a world full of civilian people, that’s why they’re so unique looking, it’s because they wrote themselves .

Unpopular opinion but Scorpio Venus isn’t a fun sexy placement that everyone hypes it up to be. It can make you constantly end up in relationships that have weird power dynamics and are just unhealthy. You may struggle to be in a soft loving relationship because it’s not intense enough but that just leads you/partners to manipulate and themes of control in your relationship. Sure, it may be considered“hot” but not healthy. Not love.

Also another thing I’ve realised with this placement, feminine natives attracted to men PLEASE don’t intentionally flirt with someone. You’re already so intense and magnetic without realising it that if you intentionally flirt with men it’s so extreme like a 0-100, that it can overwhelm/scare them because of how predatory it may feel 💀. If a man isn’t pursuing you, he’s not interested because your always appealing and screaming out a mating call even if your physically doing nothing.

Lilith opposite moon natives can have mothers who impose traditional lifestyle and beliefs on the native. For an example the mother may be controlling and imposing her ideas of humbleness, modesty, and traditional masculinity/femininity on the child. Defensive, like she is everything but a mother herself but subjects you to standards she cannot even amount to.

Uranus 2H feel like everything that makes them feel good and safe can be taken away in an instance. These people KNOW what it’s like to have the things they love abruptly taken from them over and over again by others or by nature, until they may even struggle to value the great things they have anymore. 2H rules your values and self worth, for these natives it gets to an extent where they don’t even value themselves because once they finally start to accept themselves they’re shown a perspective to them that they cannot accept.

It is said that the degree of a placement shows which age that planets energy starts to become active. Not sure how true that is but when you look at your natal chart, try keeping it in mind for yourself and look back to when you first had an experience under the themes of that planet. E.g for sun, when and what age did you feel seen, Venus who and how old were you for your first love or romantic partner

Sun conjunct Lilith. People with this placement may deal with their fathers highlighting the most non conforming features of themselves, the smallest of things you do will be escalated, this can manifest as slut shaming, being degraded for the way you are because you’re not “soft”, making you out to be like a chaotic mess, villainising you. Imagine having a loud snitch exposing your most “cancellable” traits. Britney Spears has this exact placement and I went to test if my hypothesis is true:

For Britney this placement is in the 3rd house which rules communication, hence why her father made comments about her like this, but say if it was in the 2nd house it could be done by a father providing less for his child because he deems them unworthy due to their non-traditional traits. This illumination of shame is done by the themes of the house this aspect is in.

All the Sagittarius influenced natives I meet always play a loud an instrument. I’ve seen it in Sagittarius suns especially and also in sag stelliums. I have no idea why, but they always do. They play things like drums, electric guitar. I’ve also seen that they can play piano and other instruments but it’s actually not their main instrument to play and if it’s not instruments they have an interest in LOUD hobbies, like cars.

Pluto in 11th house can have one of those character AI boyfriends, be in a relationship with their NPC rpg girlfriend/boyfriend, or they can just straight up play otome games and deeply feel like they have a connection to the character, these are the kind to marry their VR chat girlfriend and play mystic messenger.

Also Pluto 11Hs if your dreams and ambitions were to be vocalised to your peers, they may find you egotistical or someone to watch out for. You are a BIG dreamer. It’s giving Azula. I think Pluto 11H natives learn to keep their ideas to themselves if they want to be successful.

Natives with Aphrodite (1388) in 1st house, when describing you people may argue on the appearance or how you may present yourself as, or who they believe you are, alike to when the men witnessed Aphrodite in mythology, they would say “she had beautiful blonde hair and a soft voice” and another man would scream at him and say “nay, she was a red haired bold aggressive woman who goes for what she wants” this is because the men see what they want to see in her, they see their ideal beauty, but can both identify it’s the same person. When they see her in person at the same time they will only see what they think she is and will not be able to see her for herself. Could indicate in your reputation, you are idolised like Aphrodite but only being liked for your beauty/the persona they project on you.

Saturn 3rd house can make you have siblings that whip you up into shape, being a catalyst or aid to your best self, whether in a harsh way or a progressive way it depends on the sign. E.g Billie Eilish has this placement and her brother Finneas is a key aid to her success today by being the one who writes her music, and Kylie Jenner has this in Aries but her sister Kendall was her competition, worst critic, extremely condescending and critical of her body, her image, her skills even making fun of her for having lip injections in interviews etc which forced Kylie to feel insecure changing everything about herself but lead her to the popularity she has today.

Scorpio Mars isn’t a fun placement either, so many say that these natives are blessed, after all, Mars is in rulership, it gives them will power, survival instinct and makes them a shark. But people don’t discuss how being a Scorpio Mars can make you hurt others further than intended, it’s like tactically pulling the jenga block excited for your opponents next go but instead- you make the entire tower fall on your their face, they hurt themselves crying and the game ends bitterly. You won but at what cost? You can overestimate what people can take, and inevitably your loved ones may become the sorry victim of your sting. I think deep down Scorpio Mars natives know how much they hurt people and sometimes wish they weren’t so intense. I always think of Omni man from invincible having this placement.

Was working as an external motivational speaker for a school and this Gemini Sun teacher was so prim and proper, he’d sit crossing his legs and always be making sure students were extremely well behaved listening for anyone talking like this:

I’d say rather strict. He was timely, efficient hated tardiness and I knew he was a bloody mercurial with that prestige desk organisation and flick of fingers while typing (such sass),I thought he was a Virgo but, when I pried to get his birthday (which was very difficult as he was professional and loved etiquette). He was actually a Gemini Sun. Gemini suns you guys have the goofiest of smiles and energy but you can be scary to work under. It’s SO funny how differently Gemini suns treat those on the same authority standing as them compared to the ones they’re supposed to oversee. They’re like 👨‍⚖️🔎⏰ as a boss, but personally like: 🌸😃🌈 to their colleagues. You guys also have very snappy and sassy comebacks to disrespect it’s hilarious to watch outside looking in how you even come up with such remarks. I’ve also noticed you guys can be sucky and adoring towards your bosses, but strangely it works.

Capricorn MC, how does it feel to live my dream?? People with this placement are the most high earning, most dominant or the most respected and well known person in their field. Whether it be politics, modelling, office, technology, teaching, literally everything.. if you have Capricorn MC the way you handle your work is with an extreme amount of meticulous efforts. You go through the small print terms and conditions, execute the process with full clarity which is what makes you guys so successful. You don’t fuck around, Examples of people with this placement are Martin Luther King, David Beckham, Kendall Jenner, Rihanna, Mariah Carey, Heath Ledger, Nikola Tesla, Jeff Bezos, Alexander the Great. Notice how they’re all contenders for the title “Greatest of all time” in the fields they’re in. When they say that Saturns influence makes you established and remembered throughout history, it’s true. With Capricorn MC, you’re probably the first to set a record in the work you do and will be remembered as one of the foundations of the future.

I don’t want to reinforce stereotypes about Pisces moon. However, I’ve noticed that you really shouldn’t jokingly insult these guys. I think it’s because of their inclination to read between the lines and the underlying meaning of words that are said. They really don’t take criticism very well because they pick up the hidden meanings, e.g I once lived with one and he jokingly told me he’s going to lock me out of his room so that I don’t rob him and then I asked in all seriousness“why would I rob you?” And he was hurt and explained it’s because my question suggested that i thought he didn’t have nice clothes. (Which is true, im not interested in menswear nor his style). Perhaps this is a me thing though because im rather forthright with what I say. Maybe Pisces moons aren’t so sensitive, maybe we’re just cruel to them.

Also these natives are incredibly intelligent in terms of understanding emotions. I’ve noticed that they can easily grasp why certain people do certain things which is what makes them known to be “empathetic or forgiving” but it’s really because the concept of deep and complex emotions isn’t difficult for them to grasp. They’re like the Einsteins of human nature. And when I speak of empathy, that doesn’t mean they they can do no wrong, that’s a common misconception about Pisces moon, there are bad people within every placement but strangely Pisces moons if they are “bad” end up being forgiven for it because they garner sympathy from others. E.g Kim Jong-un, Edgar Allen Poe, Kesha, Coco Chanel, Kendrick Lamar, Vanessa Hudgens, Hilary Clinton, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Kanye West, Michelle Obama.

Fama (408) conjunct Mercury can indicate being well known for your ideas and thoughts, they can stand out or perhaps the way you communicate them does. You have an attractive mind that garners attention from many, people love to hear what you have to say, it’s like being lady wistledown from bridgerton. Ben Shapiro is an example of someone with this placement. He speaks very fast and is a famous conservative speaker engaging in debates with political royalty.

Ascendant conjunct Chiron forever being attacked for their appearance really saddens me. These natives can be treated normally but then once they do something that others don’t like, their appearance will be promptly targeted. E.g Margot Robbie (brutally called mid because male viewers didn’t appreciate her in the Barbie movie), Peter Dinklage (think he complained about dwarfism being represented in cinema but I can imagine he must have also grown up with a lot of unkind words), Priyanka Chopra (people coming for her when she married a Jonas brother), Selena Gomez (I don’t even know why but people attack her for her body apparently), Abraham Lincoln (this man wanted to free slaves I bet they made caricatures of him during the 1800s).

Venus in 10H, why is your relationship a Google search away. Everything we know about your love life is against our will. I know you love your partner but please. These natives can end up telling on themselves about the nature of their relationships. Examples: Jayda Smith (red table), Johnny Depp ( his released audio recordings), Billie Eilish (made a whole documentary about her relationship to her ex boyfriend) David Bowie (spoke pleasantly of his wife Iman any chance he got in many interviews), Kristen Stewart (cheating at award ceremonies).

Aries Mercury people are extremely motivational, they really know how to make others do something simply by their words, it can be for the bad or for the good E.g The rock (Dwayne Johnson) , Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Queen Elizabeth II, Amber Heard, Mark Zuckerberg, Al Pacino, William Shakespeare. These natives can make an understaffed workforce win the battle because they remembered what you said, they’re usually quoted and the people with this placement can have really empowering but simple one liners that make you want to beat on your chest like King Kong and seize the day. Very influential and honestly the best people to have a pep talk from.

[tasteracha]

kinktober — day four

kink: body worship with changbin

warnings: smut - MINORS DNI. implied thick!reader (but can be read with any body type). mentions of body insecurity. afab!reader.

when changbin get home from work, he finds you wrapped in a big sweatshirt and a blanket, hood pulled all the way up and your entire body a shapeless lump on the couch. it’s one of those days - not especially bad, but the kind of day that left you not wanting to be perceived. if you could have become one with the couch, you would have. 

living together is new - being together in general is new. you’ve been friends for years and years, but only took the plunge into a relationship recently, falling into each other in fast forward until you were moving in with him after just a few months. him coming home to you every day just felt so natural though, and with the frequency of how often one of you stayed the night at the others it just made sense. 

“hi, beautiful,” he greets you as he flops next to you, bone-deep tiredness clear in the way he melts against your side. he makes your heart squeeze as he nuzzles his head into your chest, and it threatens to beat right out of your skin.

“‘m not,” you mumble out, unable to keep it in. you’re usually so careful about separating your insecurities from him, scared to show them to him even though you know he would be nothing but sweet to you about it.

“excuse me?” he says, sitting up so quick you’re surprised he didn’t get whiplash from it. he left you no time to regret your words as he frames your face with both of his hands and turns your head to face him. “say that again.”

“i just,” you try and look away but he nudges your head back towards his face again. “i don’t think i am. beautiful. i guess i’m not ugly but i’ve never felt like i was something special, you know?”

“no, i don’t.” he says with intense ferocity, finality on his tongue like he was begging you to try and argue with what he knew was truth. “i’ve always thought you were gorgeous, even before we were together.”

“i guess i just don’t see myself that way,” you sigh, wishing you simply hadn’t opened your mouth. 

“every single part of you is beautiful, do you understand?” he rubs his thumbs against your cheekbones before sliding his hands down past your shoulders. 

“these arms?” he squeezes your upper arms with both of his hands, using his thumb to caress the skin there. “i dream about them, the way you wrap them around me when you’re happy or excited, it’s my favorite place to be.”

“but yours are too-“

“this isn’t about me,” he cuts you off, sharply but not unkind. he moves to your breasts, caressing them more gently than he ever had before.

“these? do you even see how many people stare at you when we go out at night?” he asks, pinching a bit at your skin. “it makes me so jealous, makes me want to take you home and keep you all to myself always. no one should be able to appreciate you but me.”

his hands roam further down, slotting themselves over your hips and squeezing with his fingertips. 

“see these? they’re what i use to hold you down when you’re on top of me. how else would i be able to get you in the exact position i want you, hmm?”

your breath picks up as his fingers ghost over the swell of your lower belly, and you have to resist the urge to curl up around yourself so that he doesn’t see you. 

“this?” he leans down to pepper kisses against your burning skin, leaving invisible marks that you can feel as though they were tattoos. “this is perfection. i want to bury my face in your stomach and suffocate in it, this isn’t a flaw to be hidden. it’s not something that you need to get rid of, not something that you shouldn’t have. it’s part of you, and that means that it’s perfect.”

his words are washing over you like tidal waves, wiping out your thoughts and replacing them with his. it’s all complimented by the scorching touch of his hands on your skin, you can feel him everywhere, consuming your entire being. 

“your thighs?” he continues, kneading at the skin around your quads. “they were made to be on a goddess, do you get it? i want to sink my teeth into them and never let go. i want to cover your thighs in bite marks until you can’t see your skin anymore, so they’re all mine.”

he grabs your ass with both hands, his long fingers covering a surprising amount of surface area as they dig into your muscle. 

“and do not get me started on this ass. this belongs in museums, on display so everyone can see what perfection looks like and feel bad about themselves for not being this perfect.”

and it’s a bit silly that you start crying because of that, but you can’t contain your bubbling emotions anymore. salty tears leave your eyes and you move to cover your face, but he stops you before you can.

“i don’t love you despite these things,” he says, caressing your face with the gentlest touch, feather soft. “i love you because of them. i’m sorry that i’ve never told you like this how obsessed with you i am. i think you are the most exquisite person that has ever walked this earth. do you understand?”

“yes,” you breathe out, finally understanding. finally accepting what he was saying.

“good,” he lets a smile creep onto his face, cheeks filling out. “now, will you let me make my pretty girl feel good?” 

you nod, taking in a gulping breath as he slowly undresses you, taking time to run his hands over your skin reverently. when he takes off your panties you’re surprised by how wet you are, the cold air hitting your pussy and making you shiver. he runs a finger through your folds, collecting the slick there and spreading it to your clit. 

“this perfect pussy? how could i want anything else when this is all mine?” he circles around your clit one, two three times before sliding one finger into you, slow enough that it makes you shiver. he crooks his finger inside of you, massaging your walls languidly like he’s mapping out every single millimeter of you to memory. it’s almost more overwhelming than when he bends you over and takes you on the kitchen table, hurried and frantic, because at least then you didn’t have time to think. now, you have all the time in the world to focus on the way he feels inside you, the way his free hand is warm on your thigh where it’s squeezing, the way his own breath catches when you clench around him like he’s the one with a finger inside of him. 

“i could keep my fingers inside of you all day, that’s how much i love it.” he slips another inside and you sigh at the stretch, your muscles tensing when he finds the spot inside of you that sends sparks running through your nervous system. he smiles at you, almost wickedly, before speeding up his movements, accentuating them by pressing his thumb to your clit. almost too fast, you feel your orgasm approaching, much slower than you’ve ever felt it. you can almost see it taking over your body, a golden light starting at your fingers and toes and spreading up your limbs to your core, slow inch by slow inch. you forget to breath, gulping in air when the light finally snaps into place, squeezing your legs around his hand as you ride it out for what feels like straight minutes. 

you come back to yourself in his arms, his fingers stroking the wispy strands of hair across your forehead out of your eyes. he’s looking at you with the fondest smile you’ve ever seen, like he can’t believe that he gets to hold you in his arms like this. 

“don’t hide these things from me anymore, okay? i can’t make you feel better if i don’t know that you’re feeling bad in the first place.” 

kinktober masterlist

[piccolos-bigtoe]

I’m not really sure,,, how I feel about this to be honest,, but I’m trying new things and that’s what’s important. This isn’t explicitly my sniperscout wildwest thing I surpose but I drew it with that in mind. I have the draft for like the first part halfway thru, all I gotta do is finish it then edit it. I’ll probably post some of my notes here of it sometime.

I fr went so hard on the characterization notes,, I’m proud of myself. I’m gonna draw tomorrow probably and try and do their references and notes and stuffs maybe.

This drawing kind of looks a little sad, I think, but don’t worry scouts not actually sad. The way thag I imagine scout is that he is like, very loud and opinionated on everything, even things he knows nothing about, and is usually pretty ‘honest’ about what he thinks (sometimes the annoying “brutally honest” way where it’s not so much honesty ws it is being an asshole), unless it comes to himself. Like when it comes to himself he’d sort of be a liar, whether it’s how he feels or stuff he’s done because even if he wouldn’t ever admit it he REALLY cares about what people think about him… unconventional emotions get hidden with either smugness or anger, and he boosts his ego with stupid lies about feats he’s pulled. He’s like the kind of guy that talks and jokes a lot as an attempt to hide his feelings woah emo…. 🖤

In contrast Sniper to me would be the type of guy that doesn’t really have a lot to say, but he is truly an honest person about himself and what he feels when he does speak, he’s never been one for socializing so he learned to not really care about how others perceive him to a huge extent. He wears his heart on his sleeve almost but like in a more quiet sort of way. Okay,,, I’m ending my rambling I’m getting really sleepy

I’ve never been a huge opposites attract fan to be honest, but I think the way I set up sniper and scout in my mind works for me.

I’ve been in an art rut lately but I think I am coming out of it, I hope, I took a few days break to like, play video games and read and i think it helped,, I finished my first run of Fallout New Vegas a bit ago (NCR ending), and started a new one. I got a multiple companions mod (the JIP one that adds like, a different interface) and it’s pretty cool. I’m rocking with Boone and Veronica and Arcade and Cass and EDE. I’m debating on who to send to stay back at the lucky 38 cause I feel like I have too many people in my group.. Urgh I like them all though…. Boone is my ride or die fr though.. he stays for sure. Same with EDE.

I played it on very hard + hardcore mode expecting some new game + stuff but all I got was this stupid achievement.. boooo. Whagever it’s okau. I had fun.

[jesuistrestriste]

sage i DESPERATELY need Artemis Donaldson angst.

Like you only call him that when your mad or upset with him. Just the thought makes him wanna sob profusely. along with even the hint of a raised voice? oh yeah he’s on the floor crying

art wasn’t sure how the fight even started.

it was a cold morning and you two had decided to stay in for the day and sit down and chat.

and, more specifically, it had turned into a chat about his tennis career and how the trajectory of it had been affecting your guys’ relationship.

it wasn’t meant to be a serious conversation, and it even started out light and with laughter..!

but then you made a comment about how it seemed like his recent losing streak was making him more closed-off, and art… well.. he got defensive.

he didn’t mean to, but he’s been more sensitive about his losses lately. he scoffed and bit back at you, “… i mean… i don’t know… i don’t exactly feel like you’ve been super supportive.”

and you can’t help but stare at him from the other side of the kitchen table, your face now scrunched up subtly into an expression that can only be perceived as bewilderment and confusion. and maybe a bit of resentment.

“uh.. what? you don’t think i’ve been supportive?”

art looks down at his hands resting over the tabletop, his brows raising slightly as his lips part while he finds his words. god, his walls are building back up in record time. he loves you more than life itself, but right now he feels like he’s being backed into a corner.

he feels like he’s being chastised by the one person he craves reassurance from.

“not really. i— okay, like, i know you’re helping me find new trainers and getting me on that creatine bullshit, but.. i need you to tell me i’ll get better, and not just tell me how ‘sad’ it is that i lost…” he scoffs.

you shake your head and huff, your brow furrowed as you feel your heartbeat pick up in pace. he’s never been like this before with you.

“i…” you rub your temple, “im not going to coddle you. that’s not me, it never was. i love you, but im also trying to be a little tough on you here—”

your words reach his ears, but he’s already in his head. his cheeks are flushing red with growing frustration and need, and he shakes his head. he cuts you off.

“nope, no no, no—“ he frowns, looking to your eyes, “i, god, i just need you to be a little sympathetic..! it’s like, i beat myself up enough already WITHOUT you getting on my back—!”

“Art,” you try to calm him down and bring him back, feeling attacked by his words and expectations, but he’s spiraling fast.

“—and it’s so frustrating to get off the courts and have that sinking feeling in my gut because i KNOW that you’re gonna get this disappointed look on your face like you think i’m a lost cause..!”

the tips of his ears are pink and he’s not even looking at you anymore. you scoff, shaking your head as you study his fidgeting frame while his hands raise to gesture to his invisible complaints.

“—i just need you to be a little compassionate with me from time to time, is that fucking wrong?”

“Art—“ you say, your tone firmer and louder, but he’s still rambling on.

“like, fuck! i can’t take it sometimes..! i really can’t, you just— i’m—“ he leans over the table, his elbows propping up his palms so that he can push his forehead into them, “i’m so tired, and i feel like nothing is ever gonna be enough to satisfy you—!”

“ARTEMIS..!”

your stern shout of his full name snaps him so fast out of his stupor that he nearly gets dizzy. it rings through his ears and clings to his throat, sliding down and burning in his chest. you never use his name like that. not unless he’s really, truly messed up..

he lifts his head in an instant, and the look on your face is what does it. the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the guilt, the anger. it’s written all over your features and it’s overwriting all of his perfect memories of your happy, beautiful image. he did this. he made you feel like you weren’t doing enough.. and all because he’s struggling with his own emotions so badly that he can’t bottle them up anymore.

he swallows the lump in his throat, desperately trying not to fall apart, but it’s far too late for that now.

he feels the sting in his eyes and the heat creeping up his neck, and then a choked-off sob escapes his lips before he can stop the tears from spilling. they roll down his cheeks and then he’s leaning back in his chair and covering his face with his hands.

and now your own breathing has stopped. you stand up from your chair and walk over to his side, knowing that he needs you more now than ever. even if he just criticized your character for a good long while. he needs you.

you place a hand on his upper back as it shakes, and his shoulders hitch as he starts to sob harshly. sniffling and hiccuping as he leans in and pulls his touch from his face to wrap his arms around your waist. he pushes his nose into your stomach; aching cries being muffled by your shirt.

“i’m, i’m sorry, im so sorry, im sorry, im sorry” he whimpers, his digits fisting the fabric of your top like he’s scared you’ll pull away soon.

your other hand moves up to his short blonde hair, stroking it as you frown and look down to him clinging to you. “shhh…” you whisper

he just shakes his head against your frame and sobs harder, “i didn’t— i didn’t mean it, i—im sorry, i didn’t really—i didn’t mean any of that, im just so—“

“tell me…” you say gently, tenderly, but it only makes him feel worse. he thinks he doesn’t deserve your kindness after all he just said.

“i’m so… s-sad..” he sobs softly and painfully, like he’s been holding it in for years. like he’s a young kid back at the mark rebellato tennis academy and he just lost an important match for the first time. the disappointment on patrick’s face. the guilt making him cower slightly while the other doubles team shrieks with victory. all of it. everything he’s ever done to make you or someone else feel let down. it’s all coming out now. and he can’t stop it.

his words cause your heart to shatter, and you slowly stroke the back of his head before you lean down to kiss the top of it, “oh, baby,” you whisper, concern and sympathy lacing your syllables. art sniffles.

“i’m sorry.”

you shake your head and whisper down to him, “i get it.. i.. i’m so sorry that i didn’t know you were dealing with all of this…”

“… well, i didn’t say anything.”

“i should have pressed harder when i realized you seemed more quiet around the apartment.”

“it’s not your fault.”

“it’s not yours either, art..”

he squeezes his eyes shut tight, two more fat tears slipping down. he nods, even if he doesn’t believe that he agrees.

two more kisses grace the top of his head, and then he’s pulling back and lifting his face to look up to yours. his eyes are lidded and red, his nose tinted the same hue, and he sniffles once more. cheeks streaked with salty regret. his hands slide up your lower back, his chin on your abdomen, “… thank you…

… i love you.”

[cinefairy]

the comforts of the imagination.

here i am— confused, scared & worried about whether im doing a technique right. here i am, struggling on finding fulfilment of my desires, not realising that fulfilment is already within me and has always been within me. i just haven’t trusted myself yet.

there is no reason to second-guess your worthiness of your desires. your imagination accepts you. your imagination isn’t asking you and will never ask you to be perfect. the great thing about imagination is that it will accept you for whoever you are. the only thing it asks you to do is fulfil yourself how you wish to.

stop worrying about the if/when/how/when why would you worry about that stuff? its a whole other layer that disrupts the peacefulness you could be receiving, its hard to stop the cycle of the comfortability but there’s no other way around it, the cycle has to end.

ask yourself: what will doubting myself bring me? nothing but more doubts.

what will seeking from the outside rather than inside bring me? nothing but chasing something that already exists within you.

what will worrying bring me? nothing but more worries.

now does any of that serve you? does it bring you goodness and peace. the answer is no.

give yourself what you want in imagination and imagination will not deny, it will not stop you and say “you cant have that” it will only accept what you accept.

so there you go, let go of everything that is not serving you & give yourself everything that you please and when i say everything i mean everything. do not hold back (because why would you when you’re free?) why settle for something less of what you truly deserve to have?

don’t shame yourself if you fall out of the state, get back in! that state doesn’t just disappear, its still within you. find it and go back in. it may feel uncomfortable at first and thats okay— when i get uncomfortable at my first newly state i perceive it as me finally stepping out of my comfort zone. i am not used to feeling this way, i am not used to giving myself what i please. it will be uncomfortable but soon this great feeling will be my home. it IS my home. i am just settling in.

you are surrounded by love, you are love, you are safe. imagination will not let you down. it will accept you— so now that you are aware that everything will be okay, that you are safe to imagine the things you’ve so deeply wanted. what are you gonna do?

[genderqueerdykes]

hi um. i’d like to ask you for some advice, since it seems like a lot of people come to you when they need it. i’m a trans girl who’s been taking estrogen for 2.5 years but. i’m just so disappointed and unhappy with what hrt has done for me. i feel like i’ve been completely taken over by doomerism from me constantly comparing myself to other transfems both online and irl, and from spending too much time on trans reddit (i’m sending you this ask instead of writing another vent post on r/mtf). through this i’ve convinced myself that i will never be happy with my body, or that i’ll never have real boobs or a feminine body at all. i really really don’t want to give up hope, but it just seems so far out of reach, and i’m stuck down here in this inky abyss. what do you do in dark times when you need to regain hope, but you can’t do it yourself?

first of all, i wanted to say i'm sorry that you're feeling this way. medical transition is a very finicky thing. there is no way to predict what will happen and when, so it's okay to feel just. completely bummed the hell out when you're not seeing the changes you hoped for yet. i definitely see how it can be crushing, especially when you know your body needs to look a different way for you to be happy. it's important to consider people look a lot different irl than they do in photos and videos. camera lenses can only capture so much. pictures and videos can be edited. it's hard to compare yourself to something like that

& i did want to say that you're definitely not alone! there are a lot of girls in your exact situation. with everyone responding to HRT differently, you'll see girls who get changes right away, and girls where it takes a long time. changes with HRT generally happen very slowly, way slower than the eye can perceive, so it's okay if you feel like nothing is happening. your body just may need more time to adjust

have you ever increased your dose? if not, that is totally an option! you may also want to look into progesterone if you find that you're not happy with your breast growth after some time. it's best to look into progesterone first to make sure it's right for you, as it will affect more than just breast growth, but i wanted to throw it out there as an option! if you're not on an androgen blocker, this could also potentially help you

for both estrogen and testosterone HRT, it can take a minimum of 5 years for people to begin seeing the effects they were desiring. 5 years, minimum! that's a very long time, comparatively, you are very early on in your journey. the effects you want to see may just come along further on down the road. i know it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others. it's good to remind yourself that they are not you, they do not share your genetics. they look like them. you look like you. it's okay that you don't look like those people- they're not you.

it doesn't make you any less of a woman just because you haven't seen these changes yet. there are plenty of women who look just like you, cis, intersex, trans, genderqueer, and otherwise. there are many cis and intersex women who don't "pass", and it doesn't make them any less of a woman: the same applies to you, and every trans girl. dysphoria can be a real pain in the ass and make things harder than it needs to be. it's okay to not be content with where you're at now. it's okay to be frustrated that you're not seeing the changes you want to right now. many, many trans people feel just the same way you do.

you may feel awkward and uncomfortable right now because you're literally in a transitional phase. think about when teenagers go through puberty, about how awkward they look and feel. cracking voices, bodies that are "in the middle" and not fully developed. that's what you're going through at the moment, and its okay. it just takes time for things to fully settle in.

what i would suggest is trying to find ways to do some self care that affirm your gender that don't involve your appearance. validating yourself in other ways is extremely important. building yourself up takes time. if you feel insecure about how you look, it's okay. you can start building your confidence in your identity and gender in other areas of yourself, first, then move on to your appearance. try to spend time with people who respect you for who you are, no matter how you look. try to surround yourself with people and things that affirm you

i hope you start seeing those changes you want to see soon. if you need more advice, feel free to ask! if any other trans girls on E have any advice for the asker, or relate to the experience, please feel free to chip in with some feedback on this ask, or by sending an ask! due to being intersex, i was taking estrogen and progesterone despite not wanting to, so i was not cataloguing what was changing or anything like that, so i can't speak from personal experience there despite having been on E HRT in the past.

take care of yourself for now. try to go easy on yourself, you're still in your coocoon. the day where you emerge as a butterfly is on its way, it just takes a little time. please feel free to come back any time. i hope we can get some good insight for you

[unequivocallyreid]

Disguise It

repost! i was accidentally on priv when i posted this so… doing it again! this is crazy nsfw so be warned 🤗

pairing: spencer x fem!reader

preview:

You couldn’t tell you who moves in first, but suddenly his lips are on yours and your hands are tugging in his hair while his hold you to him. You can feel all of him and it doesn’t seem like it is possibly enough. All you know, is that he breaks away first.

“I don’t know how to handle myself around you. I shouldn’t be here. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Now it’s your turn to grab the man in front of you.

“Spencer, shut up.”

warnings: criminal minds typical violence, case descriptions, smut, light angst, enemies to lovers, unprotected sex w/ talk of contraceptives

please let me know if i missed anything!

Georgia is sweltering in the summer. The silk, sleeveless shirt you wore was starting to cling to the sweat on your back, and your body only heated further upon the prodding you were receiving from your fellow team member. It felt like everything you said was met with a rebuttal from Dr. Reid.

At this point, you’d been a part of the BAU for two years. While you were the youngest of the team, you felt the dozens of cases you helped to successfully close should have garnered you some respect in Spencer’s eyes, but, for whatever reason, he still saw you as an expendable part.

At first, his hostility seemed excusable. You had joined the team, and were struck upon meeting him. He was beautiful and incredibly smart and even more incredibly cold. Shortly after, Penelope explained you had replaced one of Reid’s closest friends, Alex. After some, admittedly nosy, probing, you found out just how integral Alex had been in helping him to grieve the loss of his girlfriend at the hands of an unsub. You were understanding and recognized that you shouldn’t expect the warmest greeting from the man. But over time, it seemed all of the vitriol he had for the undesirable aspects of the job was taken out on you. Every time someone was lost, or a suspect got away, you were there for him to blame. You got it, sure it was hurtful, but you got it.

However, two years later, you decidedly did not get it. Around everyone else, he glowed, and yet when it came to you he was all snide remarks. Still, you couldn’t help but be enamored by him. You saw how he cared so deeply for everyone on the team. How any time he could, he put others well being above his. Hell, he didn’t even like you, but somehow, anytime there was a dangerous situation he found a way to put himself between you and it. You hated how attracted to him you were and you hated that he made you the object of his anger.

This case was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Four women had been murdered in the span of four weeks in a small town in Georgia. All of them with their hair cut and dyed post-mortem. The team was called out three days ago, and aside from a profile that fit nearly half the men in town, you had nothing. With a day left before another victim was expected, Hotch called you all into a small office within the sheriffs department.

“All we have to go on currently is that our unsub is targeting young women he perceives as easy targets. All four victims visited bars the night they were abducted, and they were all found the next morning. We know he is going to strike again tonight. Right now, our only option is to station an officer in one of the bars that he is likely to hit.”

Hotch sighed before continuing, “Y/N, you fit his preferred age and build. We need it to be you.”

Before you could say anything, an all too familiar voice spoke from behind you.

“Hotch, all due respect, but she doesn’t have nearly enough experience undercover. It’s more likely she screw up this whole case than find our guy.”

“Reid, I don’t know-“

You cut Derek off before he could finish his sentence, “Are fucking serious?”

“It’s nothing personal, Y/N. You just don’t have the tactical and logistical skills something like this requires,” Reid says with the corner of his mouth turned up and you see red.

“What is your problem?”

“Y/N,” Derek says trying to settle you with a hand on your shoulder but you shrug him off.

“No. No, I’m so tired of this. Look Reid, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you don’t like me. I’m sorry that I took Alex’s place. I’m sorry I’m good at my job. I know it, everyone here knows it but for you.”

You could’ve stopped there, in fact you should’ve stopped there, but obviously you didn’t.

“You know what, most of all I’m sorry I wasn’t on the team sooner, because if I was someone would have had the sense to not let you work on Maeve’s case. Maybe then, she’d be here and you wouldn’t be so fucking bitter at the world.”

As soon as you said it you wished you could take it back, but you were already half way out the door with tears pooling in your eyes.

Morgan followed closely behind you, catching up and pulling you aside before you reached the front door of the department.

“Pretty girl,”

You cut him off again, “Look I know. I’ll apologize to everyone, but I can’t do this right now.”

“Kid, let me finish.”

You look at him and wipe your eyes, a signal to go on.

“You don’t owe anyone anything. Do I think you made the best choice back there? No. But, you have a right to be angry, just don’t let it blow your chance to prove him wrong.”

“Derek, I know he’s your best friend. You don’t have to comfort me, I’m a big girl.”

Derek pulled you into his chest, “He’s my friend but he’s also an idiot. You said what you needed to and he needed to get his ass whopped. Look, go get ready for tonight. Despite what Reid said the team needs you and those girls need you, do it for them.”

“I don’t really have a choice do I,” you say through a sniffle.

“Nope. So, get moving, sweetness.”

~

The embarrassment of breaking down in front of your team continued to rock you on your way to the motel down the street. Despite your best efforts, you couldn’t stop replaying Spencer’s face over and over in your head. Regardless of his feelings toward you, you cared about him and you didn’t want to hurt him. It was just too much pressure built up over your time with the BAU and you snapped. If you could have helped it you would have.

You didn’t really have any bar attire in your go bag, and you knew that your unsub liked a certain look, so you took it upon yourself to stop by a shop. As quickly as possible, time was literally running out, you found a black mini-dress. The fabric was thick enough to cover the wire you were sure you’d be wearing, and it wasn’t expensive enough for you to feel guilty about purchasing it.

Throughout your time at the BAU, you had never worn anything like this. Lack of social life aside, anytime you went out with the team to celebrate a case or birthday, you wore business casual. Knowing they would all, namely Spencer, see you in something so small made you anxious. If you had chosen a different life, this would have been normal night-out attire for you, but you don’t even think you own a skirt that’s shorter than your knee.

The makeup you put on did nothing to ease your discomfort. It was messy and dark, just like the women he killed were wearing. You looked just like them.

On the drive back to the station, the knot in your stomach felt like it nearly tripled in size. You were scared you’d be reprimanded upon entering, while wearing club attire, like a 17 year old who broke her curfew. As you opened your car door you felt your hands shake. You put on you FBI jacket for modestly and walked in. A quick scan of the room showed no sign of Spencer, which took a bit of weight off of your shoulders. You didn’t think you could handle seeing the broken look in his eyes for a second time that day.

Once JJ saw you she walked over and said gently, “Y/N, are you alright? Are you sure you’re okay to do this?”

Admittedly, you had to force a smile as you replied, “Don’t worry about me.”

Too much was weighing on you. If you weren’t successful, you’d have another body on your conscience, coupled with using the most devastating event in Reid’s life against him. You felt like shit. Part of you knew he deserved it and the other wanted to make everything better for him. It was selfish and made you feel gross, but you had always secretly hoped that you could be the one to bring out the light in him if he ever let you in, but you threw away the slim chance of that when Maeve’s name left your lips.

After attempting to further assure JJ that you were okay, you walked back to the office you knew that you’d find Hotch in. You opened the door and found Spencer and him going over the geographical profile. When Spencer looked up and saw you, he excused himself quietly and fled the room. Hotch said nothing but waved you in.

He ignored the elephant in the room, choosing instead to explain the details of your assignment.

“Morgan, JJ, and Reid will all be stationed around the bar,” he said plainly, but you did not miss his scan of your face, searching for a reaction.

“If things escalate, if you are threatened at any point, they will be there. We’ll hear everything through the wire, and you’ll hear us.”

Still lacking the confidence you held earlier in the day, you reply with a meek “Yes sir,” and move to leave the office.

“Y/n,” he calls out to you before you reach the door. “Don’t let it get to you”

~

The bar feels hotter than it did outside, and the dress you’re wearing feels even smaller. As you wait to be approached, you fail to catch Reid’s eye. He’s been avoiding your gaze for the last hour you’d been there.

Right when you think it’s time to drawback and admit you weren’t the type he was looking for, you feel a rough hand run across your back.

“What’s a pretty thing like you doing at a place like this all alone?”

You can smell his cigarette breath before you can see him, and you have to school your face before you reply.

“I’d say I was waiting for you, but I don’t know your name.” You say, forcing a giggle and slurring your words, and you swear you hear Reid scoffing in your ear.

“It’s Michael, and I think you know just what to say.”

You hear Penelope confirm the name in your ear. The man before you is stocky and looks close to 30. He moves the hand that was on your back to rest high on your thigh.

“Let me buy you a drink, doll.”

You know you have to test him. You have to do something to prove he’s your guy, so you move to stand with faux shaking legs.

“I really shouldn’t, I uh, have to get home.”

A sick smile ghosts over his face and he forces you to sit back down, his grip tightening even more on your leg.

“Fun is just startin’, don’t get cold feet on me now.”

You reach to pull his hand off you, “No, I really need to be home. I, My roommate will worry.”

One hand grabs the back of your neck as the other lifts higher on you leg.

“Darlin, don’t you know your manners?

Hotch tells you to hold off, asking you to push him a little farther before they step in, and as much as your shaking with this man’s hands on you and stale breath in your face, you follow orders.

“You’re hurting me,” you tell him through clenched teeth as his nails sink into your skin.

“I promise you I have a lot more planned, doll. Now be good girl and sit down, or you’re going to have a knife deep in that pretty little waist of yours.”

Before you can follow his directions, you hear a familiar voice say, “Not likely.”

While you were distracted by the man in front of you, Spencer had made his way to you from across the room, and was now pushing down the man onto the bar in front of you. His eyes were dark and he was rougher than you had ever seen him. Maybe unfortunately, JJ came up behind you and pulled you away from Spencer and your staring was cut short.

The man in the bar turned out to be Michael Edwin. He had a history of petty theft and assault charges from bar fights, but Penelope recovered sealed records from his adolescence, which showed two counts of aggravated sexual assault. His fiancé had recently left him, which served as a trigger for the recent murders.

Despite protests, you were checked out by EMS before you could go back to the motel. They wanted to ensure you weren’t drugged and that you didn’t have any puncture wounds from the nails on you neck or thigh. Hotch spoke to you, told you that you did a good job, but in all honesty you just wanted to go lay down in the shitty bed that was waiting for you, and sleep away the events of the night. Fate clearly had other plans.

You were stepping out of the shower when you heard a knock at the front door. You called out to whoever it was, you assumed JJ or Morgan, that you be there in a minute. Quickly, you threw on a pair of shorts and an oversized t-shirt, and let your hair down from the towel that had been holding it.

Opening the door to your room did not yield the results you expected. Standing in front of you, in the same clothes he’d been wearing at the bar, was Spencer. He looked tired and his hair was sticking up like he’d spent the last two hours running his hands through it. He asked to come in. You stepped aside but did not welcome him.

“What do you need Reid? I’m really not looking to fight, I just want to sleep.”

He looked over your frame once, and then shut the door behind him.

“You drive me crazy.”

You cut him off, with a quick “Get out.”

“No, look just please let me talk to you.” You wish the desperation in his voice didn’t draw you back in immediately.

He inches closer to you as you moved away from him and says softly, “You’re stubborn and you drive me crazy. But, you were right today-“

“Please stop,” you bite back, again cutting him off.

“Christ Y/n, just let me get through this.”

He almost waits for you to stop him again before continuing. “You make me feel fucking crazy, and I can’t think and I hate it. I hate what you do to me. I hate the way I feel around you.”

“Spencer, please just go. I don’t need you to tell me that I’m terrible at my job for a second time today. Try it again tomorrow.”

You move to open the door but he grabs you before you can reach it.

“Stop talking, Y/N.”

His hands are on your waist and you heartbeat is in your throat and you know you should push him off of you but you can’t make yourself do it. He’s closer to you than he’s ever been and you can smell his sweat. As much as you want to scream at him, and force him out of your room, you can’t help but feel a warmth pooling in between your thighs.

He is impossibly closer when he says, “Y/n, please.”

You couldn’t tell you who moves in first, but suddenly his lips are on yours and your hands are tugging in his hair while his hold you to him. You can feel all of him and it doesn’t seem like it is possibly enough. All you know, is that he breaks away first.

“I don’t know how to handle myself around you. I shouldn’t be here. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Now it’s your turn to grab the man in front of you.

“Spencer, shut up.”

You pull him back to your lips, and you can feel the moment his resolve breaks. He is everywhere. His hands run up your waist and dip below you shirt, and at first it’s hesitant, but then he’s pushing you toward the mattress and pressing himself onto you.

“You think I don’t see the way you look at me every day?”

You try to reply, “You’re full of shit,” but your sentence dies off as his fingers brush over your nipple. You’re panting into his mouth and you feel him hard against you hip. Without thought, your hips roll into his, desperate for pleasure.

His hands are everywhere, and his mouth follows suit, trailing down your neck and biting hard into your shoulder. His hands become more confident but still shockingly gentle. You imagined he’d be rough and angry, almost punishing, but this is so much worse. He is caring and his lips pause over your heart beat, allowing you to feel the warmth they carry. Tears are forming in your eyes and you do your best to blink them back as his hand grip the edge of your shirt and pull it over your head.

He curses to himself when he sees you, and you feel goosebumps rise on your skin. His fingers roll over the buds on your chest and you cry out, “Spencer, please.”

You don’t even know what you’re asking him for, but he seems to understand. His fingers slip beneath the waist band of your shorts, finding your centre and rubbing gently over your clit.

“God you’re so fucking wet and I’ve barely even touched you.”

You’re lost in his touch, and the way his hands are relentless in their pursuit tells you that he is too. You never expected him to talk like this. Fantasized, sure, but actually having him right above you is almost too much to bear. It is too much, and you don’t understand it, and the tears that were forming earlier become to heavy to hold back. The gentle moans you had been letting pass through your lips turn into sobs and his fingers still as soon as he hears you.

His voice is shaken and small when he asks, “Y/n? What’s wrong, what did I do?”

His question rocks through you and makes the tears well up so much faster than they were before.

“I’m so sorry,” you choke out. “I’m so sorry. I was cruel to you and you’re being so gentle with me and I don’t understand. You, you don’t have to do this for me just because you feel bad.”

He pulls you into him in a way that is different than before, and tries to wipe away the tears you let spill.

“Y/n, that isn’t what this is. I- I should be apologizing to you. I’ve been so terrible to you and you’ve been nothing but kind.”

You scoff, thinking back to earlier in the day, and try to push him away but he holds you closer and forces you to look at him.

“You were right, Y/n. I’ve been so scared of losing more people since Maeve, and when you joined the team it was clear how wonderful you were from the second you walked in. You’re so good and so intelligent, Y/n. I was fucking terrified of how drawn to you I was, so I pushed you away and I was too dumb to realize it was hurting you until today.”

His lips find your forehead, ghosting a kiss over it before continuing, “I’ve spent the last two years failing miserably at not forming an attachment to you, and I hurt you. Please, let me show you that I care.”

You know that you should be mad at him, but you’ve never been able to stay angry at the man in front of you. So, instead of trying to fight the feelings you both had been trying to for years, you let him in.

Your lips find his for the second time that night, and this time you each won’t let the other run off. His hands travel down your body again as he whispers sweet nothings in you ear and pulls your shorts off of you. When he reconnects with your heat, the sensation feels so much greater than before. You push yourself into his hand, and gasp when his fingers find their way inside you. Their pace is languid and exploratory as he curls himself inside of you, finding a spot that makes you feel like you’re on fire.

His lips that were exploring the expanse of your chest find their way back up to yours, and it gives you the courage to press your hand to the tent of his pants. Your action makes him still momentarily but then he presses more firmly into you.

He breaks away from you and says “You feel so good,” but isn’t enough. You whine into his mouth and push your hands to try and undo the buttons of his shirt. He breathes out a laugh and helps you guide it off of him. Still, you’re nothing if not greedy and you want more, so your hands move from his chest to his belt, and suddenly he is bare to you.

As you take him in, you feel your mouth fall open, and you can’t help but reach out to touch him and whisper, “You’re so big.”

This action decidedly pushes him over the edge as a groan falls from his lips and his hands resume their previous mission at a much faster pace. You can feel the pit forming in your stomach as he reduces you to incomprehensible babble and you both know you’re close. His thumb finds your clit and you feel yourself diving over the edge as your orgasm finds you. He nurses you through it, drawing the feeling out, before removing his fingers.

“You’re so beautiful, Y/n.”

You’re overcome with affection for the man above you, and you feel an incredible need to express it, but you can’t find the words. Instead, you do your best to flip him and lower yourself down his body. He watches you in awe, which almost surprises you because how could he think you wouldn’t want him in every possible way.

Once you’ve kissed your way down his chest and over his stomach, you move to put him in your mouth.

He stops you before you can, and your heart drops, scared that the illusion has shattered and he has decided he no longer wants you.

He remedies your fears quickly though when he says, “Y/n, you don’t have to.”

“I want to. I really want to, Spence. I- I want you.”

You swear you see love in his eyes, but push the thought aside and take him in your mouth.

You savor the feeling of taking him in, the way he fills your mouth and touches the back of your throat. You can’t fit him in his entirety and your hand has to pick up the slack, which seems to drive him crazy. Still, something in you wants to give him full control over you. So, when you come up for air, you take his hand and guide it to the back of your head, and genius that he is, he takes the hint. He pushes himself deeper down your throat as his hands tangle in your hair. The rhythm he build is perfect.

“You’re so fucking good, baby.”

The pet name makes your thighs press together, desperate for another release. His mouth is growing filthier by the minute.

“Fuck, Y/n. You like having my cock down you throat don’t you? Just so desperate to please, aren’t you?”

You moan around him before pulling off, feeling needier than you think you ever have before. As much as you want to make him come with your mouth, you need him inside you.

“Spencer, I need more.”

He laughs a little and says, “You’ve got to use your words, Y/n. Tell me what you want.”

The thought of saying it feels more embarrassing than anything you’ve done so far, but your desire outweighs it and you tell him, “I want you inside.”

“There you go, baby. Want me to fuck you, huh?”

You know he isn’t really asking, but you can’t stop yourself from nodding regardless.

Before going any further he asks, “Do you have a condom?”

“I don’t think so. I have an IUD and I’m clean. I trust you, but if you want to stop I get it.”

Without responding, he’s flipped you over and is now holding himself over you once again. For a second, he just looks down at you, but a small ‘please’ falling from your lips is enough to break his daze. He runs his hands down your stomach, grazing over your centre, before grabbing himself and lining up with you. The moment he starts to push himself in, you feel so full you might cry.

Your body is white hot, a feeling you haven’t experienced in any of your other sexual encounters. Hell, most of them haven’t made you come once, but with Reid you’re already bordering on a second orgasm just from him pushing into you. His pace is perfectly slow, and you can see his jaw clenched as he tries to restrain himself.

“I’m okay. You can go harder, I want you harder.”

Your words have the desired effect and you watch as he lets go. He’s everywhere and each stroke hits places that send you into a tailspin. When he rocks into you, his pelvis bushes over your clit perfectly.

“I’m gonna come, Spence. Fuck, fuck I’m coming.”

“God, I can fucking feel it, Y/n. You’re so fucking tight for me.”

If you had any shame left in you, you might be embarrassed at how quickly you came a second time, but all you can focus on is the rhythm of Spencer above you. You can feel his movements growing sloppier and you know that he’s close too.

“I’m gonna come, baby Where do you want it?”

You all but cry out, “Inside, Spencer. Please I want you inside.”

This pushes him over the edge and you can feel him pulse inside you. The sensation is almost enough to make you come again.

“Fuck, Y/n, where did that come from.”

You don’t respond and he seems to notice the dazed look in your eyes as he pulls out of you. Before you can get used to the emptiness, you feel his fingers trace your entrance.

“You want me to fuck my come back into you, huh? Make sure you’re really full?”

You nod, almost subconsciously, and he begins pushing his fingers into you at a relentless pace. You reach and heap his arm to center yourself, but it’s no use.

“Just one more, love. Let me show you how sorry I am.”

Your body is shaking and tears, different than before, well in your eyes and begin to break free.

“Such a pretty, filthy girl. Let go for me, baby. Can you do that? Can you come for me?”

You’ve always been one to please, and you feel the ball of tension in your stomach break free. Everything is white and the only thing you can do is call out Spencer’s name.

“So fucking pretty, Y/n. Come back, baby. I want to see your eyes.”

You didn’t even realize they were closed, but when they open you’re greeted with Spencer’s face above you. He smiles down at you and moves to get off the bed, which causes a jolt of panic to course through you.

“Don’t leave,” you all but yell. “Please, just stay with me tonight.”

He quells all your worries with a sentence, “Just getting a towel to clean you up. I’m not going to leave you anytime soon.”

done! let me know what you think!

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

might be an unrelated ask with how things are going on right now, but the only way i ever see traitor ace theory coming into fruition is if he destroys yuu's way back home because of how his feelings will boil over (since he thinks being vulnerable is uncool). i've always tried to convince myself that his silly tsundere moments are yume bait, though i really can't deny the fact that yuu is literally everything that his ex-girlfriend is not. they've watched a horror movie together from idia's lab sr (and sending grim all alone to get snacks???) in playful stage, they ride a roller coaster, and if you tell him you like it, he suggests going again again (just the two of them without grim???) bro is not slick with how attached he is to mc.

I have my own thoughts on Ace traitor theory (which you can read here)! To summarize, I don’t believe in it. If Ace betrays us at all, I think it will be in a trivial capacity (like he does something stupid that the rest of the group disagrees with, like taunting Malleus to attack him) and without malicious intent.

He may think being vulnerable is uncool, but I don’t think he’d take an action as drastic as destroying Yuu’s route home no matter how emotional he got. (That feels more like the stuff I see in angst and/or yandere fan works.) Ace gets mad and acts out, yes—but it tends to be in situations where he feels like being has been wronged, not to hinder the people he cares about. His character and his actions the entire story have done nothing but demonstrate that he values his friends and will be there for them until the bitter end, even if he whines about it the entire time.

And well 💦 when it comes to “is this platonic or romantic”, I always default to “it’s up to individual interpretation”. TWST will never give a “canon” ship for Yuu because that would impede the self-insert mass appeal design of the blank slate character. Not everyone wants to perceive X (in this case, Ace) as a love interest. Not everyone wants to perceive X (again, Ace in this case) as a friend. Therefore, there’s always going to baity lines to feed the yume crowd (Michard voice: give me your ur wallets) but lines are also kept plausibly deniable (framed as “jokes”/nor serious) or ambiguous enough to be interpreted either way.

In Ace’s Suitor Suit vignettes, he says this about his ex: “She said the thrill rides were too scary for her […] She vetoed all the action and horror flicks. Hanging out was just plain boring, so I stopped contacting her as time went on.” And indeed, Ace engages in the activities his ex refused with Yuu. They’re watching a horror movie together in Idia’s Labwear vignettes, as well as riding roller coasters and other thrill rides in Stage in Playful Land. Yes, you can interpret these as romantic since they sent Grim off by himself to get popcorn and want to ride again by themselves.

However, that’s not the only possible interpretation, and nor should it be. It could just as easily be argued that Ace and Yuu were just hanging out as friends in a “kicking back with your bros” kind of way (regardless of whatever gender Yuu identifies as). Watching horror movies and going on exciting rides are normal things that friends could do together. There is nothing inherently romantic about those acts by themselves. It could also be said that Ace is lazy and constantly trying to get out of work, so of course he’d pass off the job of getting more snacks onto someone else. The ride thing is innocuous too—maybe the others just aren’t feeling another round, while Ace and Yuu are still on that adrenaline high and want another hit of it. And again, it’s probably framed as wanting to do activities with Yuu specifically to help foster that parasocial relationship and create a sense of bonding with the player.

Of course Ace is attached to us and likes to hang out. We’re his friend, and that much has been established since the prologue. We are naturally a lot closer with him by default compared to several of the other guys (with maybe a few exceptions, like Deuce). Whether you see Ace and Yuu’s relationship as anything more than that is up to the individual!

That being said, I’d rather not talk in terms that imply one ship is “better”, “absolute”, or “more supported by canon” than others 😅 Not just for Ace x Yuu, but any ship, really. It unintentionally frames the discussion like a competition and leaves some people out of the talk if they don’t vibe with it or have different preferences, y’know?

[despacito-uwu16]

The Rising Action

Kenji Sato x Journalist! Reader

Enemies To Lovers | Foced Proximity | Pining

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“Hit me like a poisonous dart. You were trouble right from the start. Should’ve ran I guess that’s my fault”. - I do by G-IDLE

⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺

“Ken Sato has received a 3rd strike. One wonders, how hard is it to hit a small ball, I bet a one-eyed zombie could hit a ball better than he can”. You say into your recorder.

“Wow, you are harsh”. Ami says as you end your recording.

“It’s called being honest. I report what I see”. You reminded her. “I mean have you seen the way he played today”?

“Yes Y/N, we’ve been watching the same game. But it got me thinking. When I interviewed Ken, he refused to talk about his family. He refuses to show vulnerability. It’s like he’s wearing some sort of mask. Something is going on with him, and when I know something, I don’t let go”. Said Ami.

“Wow, you are very determined”.

“At least get to know him before you start roasting him”. Ami suggested.

“Note taken”. You lied.

After graduating college, you were hired as an intern at the Los Angeles Magazine. You would stay at the office after midnight to revise and edit articles for other reporters. Eventually, your boss gave you your first assignment. Coincidentally, at a baseball game. You took in every detail of every player, noting all of the small mistakes and flaws of the games. Everyone looked like they didn’t know how to play, much to your disappointment. But it made juicy material for you.

That night, you were writing like you were running out of time. The article you wrote was on some of the players and their failures. The morning after, you got called in to the editor’s office. At first you thought you were about to get fired, but your surprise, he complimented on your writing style, asking you to cover another baseball game. Eventually, you got promoted to journalist within 6 months of working there, naming you the youngest journalist in the field. A year and a half later, you were offered a job at the International Review Journal. They pay twice as much as the last salary and you get to travel for your job. It didn’t take too long for you to accept it, and the next thing you knew, you were on your way to make your mark in the world.

Everywhere you went, your words impacted people and the way they perceive their favorite athletes. All of the readers love you, while the athletes feared and hated you. You didn’t care for the love and hate. What matters is you were unstoppable.

Now here you are in Tokyo, Japan watching the Ken Sato struggle. You felt bad that the Giants were on a loosing streak, but you didn’t feel bad for Ken. It was his ego that brought him here after all. You leaned back in your chair with your recorder in your hand, while watching Ken having a temper tantrum in front of his coach.

~

As you walked out of the stadium, you were fishing out your car keys when you realized something was missing in your bag.

“Where’s my recorder”?

Panic starts to settle in as you looked through your tote bag.

“Looking for this”?

You turn around to see Ken Sato, waving your recording device in front of you.

“Well, if it isn’t the walking loosing streak. I would say great game, but let’s face it, i’ve seen better”. You sneered.

“Y/N L/N, the pain in my ass, Let me guess, obsessing with me as usual”? He asks

“I’m not obsessed with you, and even if I were, I would rather launch myself out of Tokyo on a ten foot pole than fan girl over a baseball fuck up”. You rolled your eyes.

“You have really creative comments Y/N. I think my favorite one has to be when you called me the hare who couldn’t beat the tortoise. But slower and more stupider”. He laughs.

“I also noticed that I’m the only person mentioned in your commentary. Am I just a cover for the fact that you know nothing about baseball”?

“Of course I know everything about baseball. I just like taking notes on the most notable failures in baseball history”. You scoffed

He lets out a laugh that still annoys you to this day. “It’s nice to know I have a fan”.

“Once again, the only person obsessed with you is you”. You retorted.

“Says the person who followed me all the way here from California”. He tossed your recorder to you. “I’ve read some of your stuff online. Judging by your writing style, you should consider a career in fanfiction writing instead of sports journalism”.

“Fuck off Ken”. You said.

While he turned around to walk away, you gave him the middle finger, and he stuck up his in return.

You rolled your eyes as you got into your car.

“What an asshole. And for the record, I was here first”. You aggressively push your car key into the ignition.

You were back in your apartment, editing your article on your gray velvet couch. You took a sip of your pineapple smoothie as you reread the last paragraph you’ve just written.

“Ken Sato, “the best living player”, is now the best living curse. From being on cloud 9 to falling into the pits of underworld, he might as well drag the giants along with him. Tread carefully Sato, consider yourself a dead man walking. If looks could kill, we wouldn’t be Coach Shimura”.

Is this considered slander? Possibly. But to you, it’s called journalism. And the best part of the job is the chaos it causes post-publish.

After rereading and editing, you hit publish. You sat back and watched as the likes and views came in.

Later that night, you were celebrating the success of your latest article, alone. You downed the last of your dirty shirley, feeling content with yourself and the hard work you’ve put in. You were about to ask for the bill, when the bartender placed a martini in front of you.

“I didn’t order this”. You look up at the bartender confused.

“It came from the gentleman in the black blazer”. He points to the man sitting at the end of the bar.

You look over with curiosity to see the man sitting at the end of the bar. Only to be disappointed when you realized the guy was Ken. He got up and walks up to you.

You glare at Ken as he approached you. “What do you want”?

“Can’t a man treat a cute girl to a drink”? He takes a seat next you.

You’ve been down this road before. After you publish an article, the athletes either bombards you with threatening emails or bribe you with money or expensive gifts. Either way, it didn’t faze you.

“If this is about the article, I’m not taking it down or tweaking it to your liking”.

“I usually don’t give a shit about what you personally think of me. However, my career is on the line because of you”. He said, his onyx eyes giving you the death stare.

“Awww, it’s not my fault the world thinks you suck. Go cry about it”. You roll your eyes.

“I’m not begging for you to delete the article. Instead, I’m offering you an opportunity”. Kenji proposes.

You turn your body towards him. “Go on”.

“You come live with me for the next two months, get the Kenji exclusive. You get to ask any question, and you get to follow me around. It’ll make great coverage for the sports magazine”. He leans back in his chair.

“Okay and why would I want to live with you”? You scoff.

Kenji smirks. “You can decline the once in a lifetime opportunity to do this interview, or I can tell everyone about our little escapade during college”.

You glared at him. “Excuse me”?

“Imagine if people found out that Ken Sato, a baseball legend and Y/N L/N, his biggest hater had a one night stand during our junior year. That would seriously affect your following and your career, wouldn’t it”? Kenji condescends, leaving you completely disgusted.

“You’re not the only one who can play dirty Y/N”. He smirks.

Of all the annoying things Kenji does, one thing you did not expect from him is to straight out blackmail you. Another is the fact that he’s right. If people found out you slept with an athlete, you can kiss your promotion goodbye. For once, you were backed into a corner, and there was nothing you could do or say to save yourself. Swallowing your pride, you decided to take the defeat.

“Fine. I’ll come shadow you”. You surrendered reluctantly.

Kenji smiles from ear to ear.

“But if you pull some shady shit on me, I’m ending it”. You threatened.

“Won’t be a problem”. Kenji pulls out a pen and writes something down on a napkin.

“Here’s the address to my house. Arrive at my place on Sunday at 9 am sharp”. He hands you the napkin and hands some cash to the bar tender.

“I look forward to this interview Y/N”. He winks at you as he leaves the bar. You sunk in your seat appalled.

“What the fuck did I just agree to”?

⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺

Likes, Comments and Reblogs are always appreciated :)

⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚⁺‧͙⁺

Tag list:

@imconfusedbutok @deadbydad-writes

@introvertthief @rdjsprincess

@boomboom-tanjiro2019 @moyadorogaya

@holylonelyponyeatingmacaroni @lovingyeet

@ofichan @nina-from-317

@lunaryasha @kocho-catt

@scarasw1f3 @mochminnie

@ritzes28 @aise-30

@ghostatrixx @aphroditis-world

@levi-09 @marshhbs

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[plaidos]

I hate this narrative that trans girls shouldn't want to like. actually transition

I've been on hrt for 2 years and I feel genuinely hopeless and my dysohoria is taking a massive toll on my mental health because it's done next to nothing, and people keep feeling the need to tell me that it's okay to "not pass" because patriarchy bad or something. I never said anything about how I want society to perceive me, especially not men

I shave and epilate, I want to learn makeup, I want all these gender affirming surgeries, I want to voice train, because I want to like my body for my own sake

but people keep telling me that's somehow transphobic or sexist of me

I hate my body so much it makes me want to kill myself but people keep telling me I need to actively try not to pass for the sake of making some progressive point

nobody has to do anything to be valid of course, but it feels like a lot of people are saying I have to not do anything

sorry I just needed to vent

you should kill them. also it’s not misogynistic for YOU to be held to misogynistic body standards that make you feel like you have to (or want to) perform femininity these ways like it is literally exactly the same as cis women who wear makeup and shave. so tell them that you don’t see them criticising cis women for the same thing, so it seems like they actually just have a problem with trans women having agency of their bodies 🤷‍♀️ KILLING THEM!!!

[idontmindifuforgetme]

how do you fall in love with yourself

unlearn the idea that confidence is conceit. i see this belief imposed on women especially, that if they’re very unapologetic about loving themselves it automatically means they’re narcissistic / think they’re better than everybody else. that’s not true at all. you can love yourself while also acknowledging you’re not inherently better than anyone else. you can love yourself while also being kind & supportive to others. it’s okay to be both of these things at once.

let go of the scarcity mindset. women (everyone really, but especially women) get pitted/compared against each other all the time. you see it w female celebrities in the media, but it’s very prevalent in real life as well. this is very much years of societal conditioning & both women & men partake in this behavior. ignore it. rest easy knowing that there can be multiple beautiful women, multiple smart women, multiple funny women in any environment at any given time. there is enough clout to go around; you don’t need to feel like if there’s another pretty/smart girl it means you no longer have the space to also be a pretty/smart girl. instead operate from an abundance mindset: always (alwaysss) be happy for other girls when they succeed, when they’re praised, when they’re loved, whatever. see them not as competition but as inspiration. envy is such a colossal waste of time bc nobody else’s accomplishments have any bearing on your own!!

get to know yourself more. i love the analogy of dating yourself bc it’s true. i went through a rough period of being around my ex 24/7 to the point i didn’t even know myself, and then i spent the post-breakup year hanging around everyone else constantly to numb my thoughts. now i’m spending more time alone than ever & i’m getting to know myself so much. learning about my taste in fashion, music, everything. and i’ve had so much more time to invest in hobbies & skills, which is very instrumental to building healthy self-esteem. ofc there’s a more balanced way to do this, but make sure you’re not running away from yourself!

what do you like outside of everybody’s opinion? don’t interpret this the wrong way—it’s completely fine to be inspired. every single person you know has copied someone else to an extent. but if you find yourself going too far, not trusting yourself to make the simplest decisions, just following trends blindly and nothing else, you’ve left the inspiration territory and started crossing into plagiarism. move from a place of self-direction and really think about what is naturally appealing to you. it doesn’t matter if it’s not popular or nobody else likes it. if you like it & if it makes you happy, that’s all you need.

practice self-love! i had to do this lol but it works wonders. i started intentionally telling myself that i trust my own taste, that i trust my own choices, that if i think something’s cool it’s good enough, talking to myself kindly etc etc. eventually all this stuff will become natural to you & you won’t find yourself having to expend so much energy into simply loving you for you. don’t give up even if it’s hard to believe at times.

don’t give a fuck. seriously. just don’t give a single flying fuck what someone else has to say. there will always be That One Person who tries to tear you down, belittles you, gaslights you etc etc and if you know in your heart you’re not doing anything wrong, just ignore and keep it pushing. you can’t be everyone’s favorite person (nor should you want to be). think of your favorite celebrity. anyone ever. they probably all got subjected to hate. now think of how they’re successful still & how it didn’t take anything away from them. there you go <3

if literally everyone on this planet starts hating you, loving yourself is still the antidote. to clarify, how others perceive us does hold weight. but if legit every single person i know started hating me, and i still loved myself, i’d probably still live a full life bc my perception is all that really matters in the end. i don’t need anyone else to be my #1 fan—i can do that myself just fine. it technically is actually your world & everyone else is just living in it. so enjoy that! stop giving a hard time to the one person who will always be w you through thick and thin (yourself). eat good food & watch good shows & read good books & just have fun. i love u

[chameleonwritess]

Incoming essay about Yuzuru Fushimi and why I believe he is the least normal Ensemble Stars character

Before we begin, I’d like to thank @normalestenstars both for giving me the motivation to actually write this at last, and for the polls that have allowed me to ponder over the normality of each enstars character, along with how normality would even be gauged. I’m aware that the concept will have differed from person to person, and so I’ll attempt to explain my metric of normality in order to explain why, say, Kanata, Wataru, or HiMERU aren’t my ‘least normal’ character (okay, what is it with blue hair and insanity in enstars, bc Tatsumi is kinda making the most insane list too). I'll also put the essay under the cut because... it got long. But if you wanna learn about Yuzuru, you came to the right place!

I was judging normality to be a combination of life experiences through from childhood to adulthood, behaviour, current responsibilities and activities, ways of reacting to situations, ways of interacting with the world, mental headspace and its subsequent projections, and any juxtapositions between those- particularly with regards to internal and external worlds of a character (this might not make any sense… it made sense to me but I’m hardly a most normal character myself).

First up, as Kanata was dubbed the audience voted least normal, I’ll touch  briefly on which specific aspect differed here between Kanata and Yuzuru that made me choose Yuzuru over Kanata. Both by the general audience and by the characters within the world of Ensemble Stars, Kanata is perceived as weird and strange, and his backstory explains that weirdness very well… perfectly well, basically. Of course he’s weird and outlandish given he grew up believing he was a living god. Meanwhile, Yuzuru is deemed as pretty normal by both characters and the general audience. At least on the surface! The amount of enstars fans I’ve heard call Yuzuru boring just confirms this, really. Who would ever dream of calling Kanata boring? But the characters who know Yuzuru better, or for those who finally get to interact with him more than very surface level, they suddenly uncover that oh shit hang on this guy is TERRIFYING and INSANE and what the actual FUCK IS GOING ON??? (See: Resort Live when Adonis is in the water and when Yuzuru dives to fetch him he felt like he was being followed by a wild carnivore and was confused as to how the hell Yuzuru had hidden that kind of aura up until now). Love how I said brief and then reached this length BUT essentially it’s the juxtaposition of Yuzuru’s external perception versus his actual reality that puts him on top of the weirdness ladder for me. Kanata’s weirdness is very in line with his history, giving him an aspect of normality, or at least expectedness, in my opinion (I’m in no way denying that Kanata is NOT NORMAL, though, don’t worry. My only actual denial of any not normal allocations is Wataru… but we’ll get to that in another essay xoxo)

RIGHT now let’s start with the Yuzuru focus. We’re gonna go back to his past to begin with. And no, I don’t mean the military camp, actually (although the very fact I just said those words should hopefully be clueing you in to Yuzuru’s abnormality). I’ll leave a list at the end of this of all the stories I got my facts from, as well as some key Yuzuru focussed readings if you want to learn more hehe. Saying that, I talk about Yuzuru’s past pre-military because it starts off as a wild backstory even before we get to the slightly more unhinged stuff. He was born into a family of butlers, and thus was fated to work for the Himemiyas and serve them… WHAT???? Yuzuru’s family are essentially slaves, and we know next to nothing about his parents. So many enstars characters are highlighted for having abusive families as an aspect of their abnormality and the weirdness with which they were raised, but yuzuru never gets brought up amongst those. How does this scenario even happen in the modern world???? I am SO CONFUSED and we have basically no answers. Does Yuzuru get paid?????? He’s been a butler since he was BORN so… probably not?? Is he essentially a slave???????? I suspect maybe!! We already know the Himemiyas are NOT EXACTLY THE EPITOME OF MORAL CORRECTNESS (see: they run an orphanage that filters into a fucking military training facility) so I would not put it past them. So- backstory and utter weird environment to be raised in? CHECK!!!! Yuzuru might have been raised in the weirdest environment out of all enstars characters except perhaps Kanata. Or joint weirdest WITH Kanata!! He grew up being trained to be perfect and to be entirely subservient. He had no interaction with peers, no downtime, doesn’t even have his own house given he lives at the Himemiya’s mansion. It’s absolutely insane if you stop and think about it for more than five seconds, and no one ever seems to talk about it??? Yuzuru Fushimi, man.

And we don’t know much about Yuzuru during this time (probably for good reason- he is cagey about anything that makes it look like he doesn’t enjoy his role and boy does this time include those feelings!), but we do know from Tori that he was not naturally talented at being a butler, would make loads of mistakes, and would hide in the shadows and cry over it. Yuzuru was just a KID. He’s only one year older than Tori, but he was expected to perfectly master pretty much every skill ever. He’s way too over-competent at seemingly everything, and as easy as that is to attribute to the military training…. a lot of stuff doesn’t make sense for that. He was trained to do e v e r y t h i n g. Child abuse, yay!! That’s essentially what it is when you think about it!! Were his parents trapped like this too?? How did his parents meet?? Are they the ones trapping him in this role, or is it the Himemiyas??? Because Yuzuru certainly seems to believe that his parents hold the authority, but idk how much of that is a biased perspective from what Yuzuru saw and knew as a child.

Okay. I think I’ve set the scene for why Yuzuru is insane and weird as fuck. I’d also like to give a brief breather from the agonising lore (bc it’s military time next) to let you all know that I’m writing this whilst desperately smacking auto-live bc I’m grinding for Ghostic Treat House Yuzuru <3 fine I love you <3

That’s all the reprise you get, trauma time again! So, you’re probably aware if you only watched the enstars anime to gain familiarity with ! era lore that Yuzuru spent time at a military facility with his good childhood friend Ibara (he would stab me for saying that lol). But that’s not all! So yes, Yuzuru was sent to the Himemiya’s military facility, where they were actually trained for wars, given the Himemiya’s army are actively fighting ppl during the events of Primavera (lol so much for me saving references to the end). Did Ibara and Yuzuru actually see the battlefield? Textual evidence would suggest perhaps, because Ibara mentions it being funny how a man who can face enemy forces alone is afraid of dogs. But that could be a metaphor and it may have just been training. Either way, definitely had to learn battle relevant skills and were given brutal training. But that’s still not all! From what we can gather from Yuzuru’s internal musings (although he is a somewhat unreliable narrator like 50% of the time tbh), he was sent to the military facility to learn better discipline so he’d stop acting up and play the role of a butler properly. This, combined with the crying when he messed up, gives two plausible reasons for him being sent. 1. he was considered too incompetent and the military was supposed to train him to be more competent as a butler, or 2. he was acting out big style and they wanted to quite literally beat him into submission so he’d treat his role more seriously. There is a scarier third possibility here, but that’s coming hehe don’t worry (: 

What happened when Yuzuru got to the military? Because so far yeah this is a wild situation but it doesn’t highlight Yuzuru’s utter insanity quite as well as I advertised. Ohohoho, don’t worry. Yuzuru was somehow so naturally gifted at being in the fucking military (whilst not being naturally gifted at being a butler, I remind you all!!) that he rose up to leadership and became an instructor IMMEDIATELY. He was in charge of Ibara, and assumably other people too, despite being the same age as him (and quite probably younger than others). Is it possible he rose through the ranks because of his status? No not really. He’s a butler to the Himemiyas, not an actual family member!! And he’s essentially been cast out by them, so why would they care?? It’s also implied and makes all Yuzuru lore add up if he was just… incredibly and terrifyingly talented with weaponry, fighting, tactics, etc etc don’t ask me what military things are important i don’t know. So I’m choosing to believe that the lore all checks out and that Yuzuru was made an instructor because he was freakishly good. Now about his role as an instructor!! 

Most of our info does come from Ibara which is… likely to be negatively biased, but we also have actual flashback scenes which legitimately support Ibara’s perception. Which was, in short, that Yuzuru’s training was spartan. He was harsh and ruthless and ruled with an iron fist… but he also genuinely cared about his pupils (and again, we infer that he had multiple bc he calls Ibara his favourite pupil. Although funny if he’s his fave by default lmao). The military is also the first time Yuzuru gets the chance to be a kid, which is ironic given he is AN INSTRUCTOR IN THE MILITARY. But he gets the chance to sit and talk with Ibara in between training and attempting to murder each other (which is like the closest thing to playing tag that Yuzuru has ever participated in, I reckon). I could write a separate essay about how important Ibara and Yuzuru are to each other, but that’s for another day (pls pls pls ask me to write it pls i just need the excuse). 

We find out some interesting things from Yuzuru’s conversations with Ibara. He hopes to die on the battlefield to show his parents (haha remember that scary third option…. what if this was their plan HAHAHAH). He wants to die out of spite, and he wants to die for the freedom. He hopes he never has to return and be a butler again. He feels free at the military camp, which is ironic given the intent was to trap him there to teach him a lesson. It’s also ironic, given both Ibara and Yuzuru refer to the training camp as an awful, horrible place. 

That definitely isn’t the end of me talking about Yuzuru and military experience, but it is the end of it in this linear fashion I’m taking to explain why Yuzuru is so fucked up and weird and insane.

So, he returns from the military! Read: he is forcibly taken back to the Himemiya mansion. And when he returns, Tori cries and hugs him and begs him to never leave again because he was so lonely without Yuzuru and scared etc etc. And we know that Yuzuru looked at him crying and decided that actually, this was something worth treasuring and putting his life towards. Tori was worth serving- he cared about Tori and wanted to protect him, and he had the abilities now (and probably always) to do exactly that. Was this inspired by Ibara saying he just wanted something to treasure and dedicate his life towards keeping/obtaining? Yep!!! Same story!!! Yuzuru took Ibara’s goal and went ‘snatched, mine now’ but fr… they had such an impact on each other. So, Yuzuru is ‘happily’ being a butler now. In other words, he’s taking his fate and making it his decision, as much as he can (or probably to convince himself hmmm). But where’s the insanity here, before we reach idol time? Well, here we discover that Yuzuru contemplates murdering Tori multiple times!! As a means of escape? As a reflexive urge to kill that he’s developed/been suppressing all along? Who knows! I still can’t quite believe that this is even canon but yeah!!! It’s not always a joke when Yuzuru says scary things to Tori and threatens him with weapons! He has legitimately contemplated murdering him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yuzuru Fucking Fushimi, folks!!!!!!!!

This section is also where I’d like to discuss Yuzuru’s fear of dogs, because he also had to acquaint himself with King (Tori’s dog) during these years. Do you know the reason why Yuzuru’s afraid of dogs? I hear you ask, because I am inside your walls rn. Was there an incident? At the Himemiya’s? At the military camp? No!!! Tori says he’s literally always been afraid of dogs, and Yuzuru confirms this and gives us an explanation as to why! He says that dogs are inherently ferocious hunters- killers at heart- and yet they wear an innocent, harmless mask of being ‘man’s best friend’, covering up the human lives they have taken and are easily capable of taking at the smallest provocation. He fears dogs because he fears their true nature that they’re hiding behind their perceived harmlessness. They’ve masked their bloodlust with domestic obedience- a facade many dogs have tricked themselves into understanding as reality. When I thought about Yuzuru’s explanation for about five minutes before I started this essay, it suddenly slid into place in a way I’d never studied Yuzuru’s fear of dogs before.

Yuzuru fears himself. This checks out with the dog metaphors he makes of himself, of Ibara, that Ibara makes about Yuzuru and of himself. Obedient lapdog, untrained mutt, guard dog etc. etc. The parallels were right there. Yuzuru is an obedient lapdog for Tori… but he’s a predator by nature. A born killing machine whom everyone trusts without hesitation because of the loyal and obedient facade he parades, convincing even himself is reality. Yuzuru is afraid of the hunter he is and when his true nature might escape. I don’t read it as a ‘being afraid of when others will find out that he’s secretly evil’ sort of situation. More a ‘being afraid of when he won’t be able to stop himself & the mask will disintegrate forever and reveal the hunter within. Being afraid of when he might attack’. Ouch. Yuzuru can I give you therapy pls I’m begging. ANYWAY Tori then gets into idols and Yuzuru is dragged along to fine shows, and when Eichi sees him in the audience (ignoring the fact that his first thought is ‘damn that bitch fine as fuck, i love a guy with blue hair purple eyes and a ponytail, smash’), he says Yuzuru looks wild and rugged (i’m going off memory I cba getting Daydream up just trust xoxo), which is interesting given he’s trying his best to be a loyal butler right now. He’s not quite mastered the mask at this point, I suspect. Other things we know from this era are that Yuzuru helped sneak Tori out to go to karaoke as idol practice. I wonder how he felt getting to sing and dance for the first time.

Fun fact in case you hadn’t noticed by now- I’m not very good at staying on topic bc I loooove to go on random tangents of character analysis. I swear this is still about how Yuzuru is the weirdest enstars character… somehow….

So! We’ve finally reached canon timeline in the chronological part of this essay (HOW LONG IS THIS THING GONNA BE?? I hear you worry because, once again, i am in your walls). Yuzuru joins fine yayyy and he’s a transfer student to Yumenosaki given he’s just following Tori. So… did he even go to school before??? Given he has to follow Tori??? Did he take a year out? I’’m so curious as to Yuzuru’s history because how tf did his childhood work? He passes the fine test easily bc turns out he’s also very naturally talented as an idol. He’s very physically fit so it’s unsurprising. What’s sooo fun to know about his joining fine, though, is that he immediately knows exactly what Eichi is like, immediately gets links with the StuCo and joins Keito’s club to get In There with the top people (networking innit and also… club with bow and arrows. Tsukasa confirms he’s freakishly good wow who would’ve guessed Yuzuru would be so naturally talented with a weapon), and apparently immediately developed an escape plan for him and Tori so that if Eichi ever tried to destroy them, he could take Tori and dip. I wonder if that escape plan is still in place, now! Anyway, we also learn in this era that Yuzuru starts to love being an idol and finds he’s genuinely enjoying it. However, the reasons he’s enjoying it are… not exactly normal. He loves being an idol because he’s surprised that it’s able to spur the human emotions of anger and frustration within him (basically, he’s surprised that being an idol brought out his painstakingly buried emotions). We also learn that he’s extremely envious that Tori and Eichi were able to escape their fates laid out by their parents to pursue being idols, but he immediately tries to suppress thoughts like this. The difference between having money and not, huh? Tori and Eichi could escape. Yuzuru was always going to be trapped :( Yuzuru also starts to experience having friends for the first time (does Ibara count as a friend?? It was way wilder and more insane than that) so essentially Yuzuru’s first ever experience of normal teenager things is when he is 16/17. But at least he gets to have a pillow fight and absolutely destroy everyone! And get yelled at by a teacher!! Proud of him for having fun. 

This era is also where we get Yuzuru completely lying to himself, us, and his peers. Everyone is quite conscious of getting Yuzuru to enjoy his life outside of being Tori’s butler, and he’s very much manipulated everyone (including the audience even though we can compile the evidence to discover otherwise) into believing that he’s always been such a loyal and simple butler with no thoughts of his own aside from those that are wishes to serve his master. We know this isn’t true… and yet Yuzuru tries to convince us and everyone in the story that this is reality, to the point that we get people being proud of Yuzuru for coming so far. We get Tori being proud of him! And feeling guilty for him always sacrificing his life for him. Ugh I love Tori actually. The second I started reading stories about Tori and Yuzuru it hit how much guilt Tori has over Yuzuru’s fate and AGHHHH oops I got sidetracked again. Anyway. Yuzuru’s an unreliable narrator and that’s important to his weirdness, because he hides his true utter insanity from even us as the audience!! He lies to himself, to us, to his peers, everyone!!! You cannot fool me, Yuzuru Fushimi. I see through you. I’ve figured out your utter unhingedness. The complete juxtaposition between the very ordinary bland background character you depict yourself as versus the utter fucking WEIRDO that you actually are <3

Moving onto !! era, Yuzuru introduces himself in the main story by being INSANE and everyone seems to forget about it? The first thing he does is discuss how beneficial it is to show up first to important events and prepare the drinks because you gain the upper hand of knowing you could’ve poisoned them and everyone knows you could have, but that he’d never do that because everyone would indeed know it was him. And that’s one of the joys of being a butler! HELLO??? YUZURU WTF BABE????? But that’s always just glanced over. Also there’s the whole insanity of Eichi reminding us that Ibara is the only person whom Yuzuru shows this other side of himself around, and by that we mean the side where he… openly threatens extreme physical violence. Also frontline watchdogs happens. And we learn that Yuzuru still very obviously cares about Ibara gahhh. Anyway, back to insanity time, Wataei are kinda mean to Yuzuru in this era, because they do end up toying with him quite a bit, and we get a lot of Yuzuru dealing with thoughts regarding the Himemiyas and the impact of ES and stuff, because he can’t even just be an idol, he’s also essentially in charge of Tori’s responsibilities until Tori is ready, AND he’s becoming an actor because wow how surprising he’s really good at fighting roles and getting into character (sarcasm, bc… it is not surprising. hey who wants to hear me scream into a forest about wataru and yuzuru and facades it’ll be super fun I promise). Other insane stuff includes the time Yuzuru thinks Ibara is holding Tori hostage so he walks into a room and straight up STRANGLES IBARA because he knows how Ibara responds to being tortured for info so knows he’ll get the truth here. He also proceeds to reveal he’s learnt vocal mimicry from Wataru and will fuck shit up if Ibara tries anything using that trick (how did he learn that???? Plus Wataru is cagey about teaching new skills so it is either an omg yay wataru and yuzuru getting close moment or a…. yuzuru did you just analyse his ability and somehow replicate it??). Also in this era, we learn that Yuzuru accompanies Eichi with a lot of business related things, because of course he gets to be involved in the big ES happenings, and that he’s become wayyy more petty and rude to Eichi. It’s a big step for Yuzuru, who’s been forced to be so polite to his superiors. Like can you believe it. The Himemiyas’ butler being rude and passive aggressive and turning down THE Eichi Tenshouin?? He’s wild for that, but he knows Eichi well enough to know he’s safe because Eichi loves it. Yuzuru is so good at reading people. Oh yeah the other !! era moment I was going to mention was the time he took both Adonis and Hiiro in a fight. Canonically strong guys with training in martial arts/defensive techniques. And he legit scared Hiiro with how suddenly his demeanour changed from passive butler to ‘don’t hold back on me >:)’ oooo I love the utter thrill he always gets when he can go all out and attack people!! He’s so fucked up!!

And now on the theme of that, we have !!! era, because pretty much all he’s done since this new era began is fight people. In his cross scout with Kaoru, he gets disappointed in himself when Nagisa outruns him. It’s interesting to note that despite the lack of practice of his abilities Yuzuru gets outside of situations often purposefully set up so he can fight (usually by Eichi and/or Wataru like the incident in Fist of Idol Togenkyo), he still assumes himself to be… the best at any sort of combat out of everyone in his current environment. Do you know what I would give to see Yuzuru and Kuro fight??? I would LOVE to witness it, but I know neither of them would be willing to go all out on each other :(. So when Nagisa ends up out-running/outmanoeuvring him, he’s peeved. Like it’s not a surprise given Nagisa is genetically created to be The Best at Everything, but damn, how highly does Yuzuru think of his own combat abilities? It never really hit me until this point. Not only is he trained at combat, but he very much thinks/knows he’s good at it, and essentially takes pride in that fact? He’s such an interesting critter. Then we have the shuffle unit, too, where Yuzuru gets to go all out and apprehend a thief and he VISIBLY has fun doing it, as well as internally discussing as much. But we also have textual proof from someone else (a random director) that Yuzuru’s ‘snap’ is a thing. He can switch between this polite, passive butler and a bloodthirsty beast in SECONDS, and the joy he feels from being a vicious hunter is probably palpable. Other people can see him essentially change mask at the flip of a switch and become someone else entirely, and it’s wild. The fact Niki is the other person who does this is also beautiful because Niki in hunger mode is also a terrifying bloodthirsty beast. Can’t believe he won most normal, even with CrazyB being CrazyB.

I’ve finally covered somewhat of a chronological series of events for Yuzuru’s character that have led to the juicy stuff of why I view him as the straight up weirdest and least normal character. Whilst that was a lot of character analysis to do with who he is at his core, as well as his background and where he’s at mentally and in terms of progression in the story, now is for a beautiful collection of utterly unhinged things he’s said/done that make me go ‘what the FUCK Yuzuru’. Which, admittedly, I do a LOT. 

he MCs for the new year live featuring Trickstar and Akatsuki and decides to fuck around with Keito because he looks too serious. He then gets drunk on the joy of fucking with Keito and just keeps screwing with the scoring system and everything whilst Keito is seething with the betrayal

he used to genuinely think his drawings were lovely, but then according to others they looked like ‘horrifying yokai thirsting for blood’, ‘vegetables committing cannibalism’ or just ‘makes [them] anxious looking at it’ so wtf is actually wrong with his perception???

has said he feels the urge to kill Tori sometimes, but ‘a true gentleman suppresses his anger’…. JUST SIT WITH THAT ONE FOR A WHILE

He’s said he wants to dissect Wataru… medically… bc of his stamina levels

He’s also threatened to take Wataru to a secluded area and cut off each of his fingers with a bradawl. YUZURU??????

Nagisa is surprised at his dexterity when he very competently ties Jun to a pillar

He cleans ES and Yumenosaki in secret because he doesn’t trust other people to do it right. Not the most insane thing ever but it adds to his issues. Also cleaning is his favourite thing to do. Cleaning. This man has a body count and I mean in the murder sense

He loves to draw even though he’s shit at it. It’s just really funny to me that he’s very dexterous and talented at pretty much everything except the one hobby he wants to have

He can pilot a helicopter- only he and Madara are known to be capable of this

He’s the best at archery and at using firearms in Yumenosaki. And most likely ES. But he’s careful not to show off his talent and ‘true nature’ because he’s an idol and doesn’t want to scare people off

He has abs. Multiple characters have commented on this. Koga has felt them up

When he gets lost in thought he tightens his grip ridiculously tight. Figured this out due to him subconsciously tightening his grip on both Ibara’s neck during SS and Tori’s clothes during Resort Live

He speaks overly politely, but with the exact same dialect as Ibara which- i’m gonna lose my linguist status for the way I’m about to butcher this- from what I can gather is easy to interpret in a rude and sharp/passive aggressive tone. I’m going off characters who say Ibara and Yuzuru speak exactly the same, and the way Rei and Eichi highlight how Yuzuru says polite words but they’re very rude and barbed despite the politeness

His dancing is sharp and impeccable and his physical abilities are apparently ridiculously impressive, far above what would ever be expected of a butler (who’s surprised?)

His administrative abilities are incredible because he’s just overall a freakish genius apparently

He can completely hide his presence. He managed to scare Nagisa during the recent Halloween event and Nagisa is a very literal freak of nature who has been lab made to be a perfect specimen with like every skill ever soooooo terrifyingly impressive imo

Now, to conclude this insanity is my main point as to why Yuzuru takes the cake as the most insane enstars character to me. And whilst yes it’s obvious from all of this that he’s absolutely batshit insane, so are many other characters, but the reason my vote goes to Yuzuru over anyone else is because of the disparity between his public perception vs. who he is. And I mean both in game and out of game. I asked my lovely partner whose biggest flaw is not giving a flying fuck about my beloved Yuzuru Fushimi no matter how many times I yell about him what their opinion was of Yuzuru prior to knowing my insanity about him. I’d like to highlight that my partner is a big fan of Ibara, so knew about Yuzuru’s backstory at least, but was otherwise oblivious to most fine lore outside the main story, being a CrazyBP. My girlfriend said that, to them, Yuzuru was just a mild mannered butler who doesn’t come across as a big personality, especially next to the rest of fine. She said he’s very overshadowed when you have 2 characters very in-your-face personality wise and Eichi Fucking Tenshouin in your unit. Further thoughts were that whilst some characters you can soak up information of via osmosis, Yuzuru isn’t one of them.

And this was INSANE to me. Because how is it possible to be an Ibara fan and a NikiP who loves Niki’s kitchen and somehow no Yuzuru lore has seeped into your awareness???? And this is what makes me go oh yeah. Yuzuru is the least normal character from a character perspective as well as within the narrative. How do you write a character THIS INSANE with this many unhinged things being said and done in pretty much any story he shows up in, but the fandom who don’t pay attention to him just,,, completely miss it all and view him EXACTLY AS HE TRIES TO PRESENT HIMSELF TO OTHER CHARACTERS: as a mild-mannered, overly polite butler who loves servitude?? Yuzuru Fushimi has not only bewitched the characters into believing his facade, but he’s thoroughly hoodwinked the general audience of ensemble stars too. No one believes Wataru to be normal and casual, and arguably he’s the most normal of fine (at least in terms of upbringing, consistency, motivations etc….. but also he is literally me and i’ve been told I’m devastatingly Not Normal, so maybe that doesn’t count). No one would claim to call Kanata normal. No one thinks HiMERU or Mayoi or Shu & Mika, or the twins are normal. Everyone knows, at least in part, how insane they are, whether they produce the unit and know the lore or not. But Yuzuru!!!! He has fooled you all!!!! He has fooled everyone, and that’s exactly what he wants to do but exactly what he is terrified of doing, too. He fears the utter insanity inside him, but he’s also desperate for any chance he can find to unleash it and, for lack of a better phrase, go beast mode.

Yuzuru Fushimi, folks. He is one hell of a character and I hope you’ve enjoyed my ridiculously long essay on exactly why he is the craziest son of a bitch in ensemble stars. At least to me <3

And now for an incomplete list of references because I legit forget where half my knowledge comes from, I just read it once and forever absorb it into my brain:

! Era:

RESORT LIVE!!! lots of Yuzuru insight

Noble game. A lot of Yuzuru, specifically within his Butler context

GANG!!!! This is the backstory & ibayuzu lore story and it kills me every time

Flower Fes. Not huge on Yuzuru lore but gives an insight into his beginnings at Yumenosaki

Toyland. Yuzuru’s drawings and feelings about being an idol come up here. As well as Tori’s guilt about Yuzuru

School Trip. Aka Yuzuru unreliable narrator the novel

!! Era:

FRONTLINE WATCHDOGS!!!! It’s the Ibayuzu lore of !! era. !!’s answer to Gang

SS finals. It’s really long so specifically the chapters with Ibara and Yuzuru are where the lore is

Fist of Idol Togenkyo. I didn’t mention it much here but it covers Yuzuru’s acting and fighting quite well

Tempest & Primavera are the fine stories that discuss Yuzuru’s current role in ES and Tori’s life best but I didn’t reference them loads

Fair Waltz. It’s a short scout story but it’s so good for Yuzuru & Eichi dynamic & Yuzuru fighting

Grand Slam. There’s like one chapter during the sports festival about Yuzuru and guns lol

Yuzuru idol story episode 3. Ibayuzu reflect on their past & I cry

Seasoning as you like (Niki idol story). Niki’s kitchen revealing some of Yuzuru’s violent tendencies

!!! Era

Intelligence. Cross scout with Kaoru where the Nagisa incident happens

Ballade of the Lost Ones. Shuffle Unit!!!! Yuzuru goes wild!!!

[slayingfiction]

Weak Words To Cut

Here are some weak words than you can often remove to strengthen your writing. I have made these changes as I edit my own novel, so I included examples from my writing to show you the difference.

When editing and cutting words, we are not talking about dialogue because everyone has a unique way of speaking, and it’s important to keep true to their voice.

Note: these are all general guidelines, and you don’t have to use all or any of them. Creative writing gives you a creative licence to choose how you write. Do what works best for you. Always.

Suddenly: technically speaking, everything happens suddenly, so use the word sparingly or it will lose its effect.

I don’t remember ever seeing a man in such little clothes before, and I suddenly despised the one piece left. I don’t remember ever seeing a man in such little clothes before, and I found myself despising the remaining piece.

Keep: When it disrupts your character’s life, and you want your reader to really take notice.

Cut: if removed and there is no change, then it’s not necessary

Then/Next: this is typically a filler word. All events happen in a sequential state, so it’s not always needed.

Then She was gone, her steps echoing through the halls.

Keep: You want to keep the word typically when something is changing in action, description, etc.

Cut: If removing the word does not change the meaning, then cut it. Typically if this word starts the sentence, it’s unnecessary.

Just: this is a filler word, and can almost always be removed.

I was just a game to him, nothing more.

Keep: if removing it makes your sentence confusing or changes the meaning, then keep it. Usually using the word words well as a limiter word. (Eg. it’s just me and my dogs tonight)

Cut: when it’s unnecessary and changes nothing.

Really/Very: these are weak qualifying/descriptive words, and you can absolutely find a better synonym

Your mother is really nice lovely.

Keep: typically these words are fine to keep when not used to enhance an adjective. (Eg. very next day, really think, very back of…)

Cut: if it’s being used to enhance a weak adjective, cut it and find a better word.

Is/Was: this is usually a passive voice, which isn’t usually the best for fiction novels, active voice is always preferred. Naturally this is a verb that you can’t cut from all places, so here are some tips.

Everyone was too busy focusing on their shopping to notice a human sliding between sales booths. Buyers and sellers occupied themselves with their shopping, too focused to notice a human sliding between sales booths.

Keep: when delivering information quickly its always best to just state the facts, so don’t worry about trying to find flowery words to describe everything.

Cut: If you can show what the person or object is doing instead of simply saying it, then change the sentence.

Started: every action has a start, so don’t write it unless you can tell me why it’s important now to know that’s it’s started.

The boy started to rant in his native tongue. The boy ranted in his native tongue.

Keep: if your scene is being interrupted or is still unfinished, then go ahead. This one is a little harder to see sometimes, so just see how you feel with it in vs removed.

Cut: it’s it’s unnecessary information, and nothing changes to the story or sentence when removed, axe it.

Seemed: again, this is more of a show don’t tell kind of thing

Time seemed to slow slowed as I held Vera tight against me.

Keep: if a character knows something intuitively

Cut: if you can show why the character is perceiving what’s happening

Definitely: this is typically just confirming facts that are already known to be true. Repetition is unnecessary without a purpose.

He definitely saw me, but I wasn’t mad about it. (This instance can for sure be removed, it’s unnecessary. However, I want this emphasis here, so I chose to keep it)

Keep: if it’s your character who is confirming facts as 100% accurate and ridding previous doubt

Cut: remove and nothing changes

Somewhat/Slightly: usually this is used when only trying to use a partial effect of a word, so the easiest fix is to change the word that it’s describing.

I looked away, slightly embarrassed.

Keep: if the words is truly the best way to describe what was happening in the sentence.

Cut: when you can use a better word to describe your action/emotion/whatever to be more accurate or it’s unnecessary.

Possibly/Likely/Probably/May/Might: much like some of the other weak words, these are just filler. Something either is or isn’t, and it’s best to describe here you can.

Probably Not with the way he was speaking to her.

Keep: if your character isn’t sure of something

Cut: if you can describe what’s happening, or it can be removed without changing the meaning

Somehow: this is usually an indicator of missing information

I thought I was an average girl in every way, and now I was somehow the first human to ever survive. (I don’t use somehow often. I am keeping it in this instance because none of the characters know how it happened yet.)

Keep: if your character is missing the information and doesn’t know how something became true or transpired

Cut: if you can explain how something came to be.

Adverbs: this is a great category of words to use in writing, but if used too often, it can distract from the story. A good rule is finding an even balance between adverbs and active verbs.

I squeezed her cold hand tightly in mine and made a promise to save her. Clenching her cold hand between mine, I promised to save her.

Keep: if it improves your writing by making it more clear and efficient.

Cut: if it makes more sense to use active verbs to describe what’s going on.

Totally/Completely/Absolutely: all filler words

He grinned at me, his plate almost completely full while mine was near empty. He grinned at me, his plate still full while mine sat devoid of even a crumb.

Keep: if it’s important to the story to know with 100% certainty, and this word gives the most accurate description

Cut: whenever it’s not needed

Thing/It: missing information/ lack of description

I was just accepting all the things they said as truth. I was just accepting all their fantastic explanations as truth.

Keep: if your character doesn’t know what it is

Cut: whenever you can find an actually description or name the object

Have any more words you think should be added to the list? If something does not make sense or you have questions, let me know down below.

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Happy Writing!