#i have no idea if these are any good. im so tired and it's been so long since i made gifs
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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how it feels to read people on this site criticize death of the outsider
#hater corner <- out of love#before i speak tho. its an criticism of the game and not personal connections people form with it. hope this makes sense#i like the outsider mortal and daud and billie of all people freeing him! there is so much potential in this idea#this is a /j but if daud wanted to fuck around and find out whats made the outsider it would be more accurate to his character#than daud blaming the outsider for his own actions. and billie would have her own journey of self-discovery#they could do it together without being reduced to an old man and a caretaker#when i first saw the playthrough i actually really liked it. and i still stand by it being a good game if it wasnt in dh universe. it is fu#and it has interesting themes. but none of them relate to the other dh games. or contradict them#anyway. all of that has already been said and in way better than i ever can#the saddest thing to me is that its trying to sell a story about the characters that we already know and love - and the world we love too#without getting deep into any of it. instead of working with existent depth its creating new lore thats loosely tied to the old one#or overexplaining it when dh1 proves how ambiguity can enrich the narrative#and i dont want to defend it bc of the development hell it went through.its not genuine and its not meeting the standard games before it se#and it the end its just sad. id love a good billie game#talk tag#dh related#sorry for grammar mistakes and typos. im tired
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HELLO here is............ reference art for my liam design/interpretation!!!!!! a lot of these r ideas ive already had and/or included in my liam art already BUT !!! now its all in ONE PLACE!!!! :)
#hfjone#liam plecak#hfjone liam#hfjone backpack#my art#i feel like there was more i couldve added but i sifted thru my liam ref art and couldnt find any#but!!!! im very happy w how i draw him so this was fun to put all in smth :)#esp bc i was able to explain my thought processes on him a bit more!!!! bc i put. SO much thought into how i draw him#its why my design for him changed like every week for a few months a good while back. was adding n adjusting stuff SM#this is not even counting the bone diagrams i made. i am not including the bone diagrams#(theyre just for limbs but ive spent a long time on this already and im TIRED its been over 5 hrs and it is now 2 am)#BUT!! this will be queued for a good time !!!so i may not be awake when this is posted lol!!!#(also i am VERY much willing to discuss my designs if thats smth anyone wants to ask abt.... i have so many ideas)#additional fun fact that i specifically dont draw his shoulder ANY higher than his pocket bc thats as high as it goes on my design#ANYWAY im tired so im gonna queue this now
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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Do you want somebody to care about you (a frriend)?
LMAO i guess?? i have online friends who i love and who care abt me so that isn't really the problem. i havent had any irl friends in a very very long time and ive never had an irl friend who i could actually trust/confide in. Maybe having irl friends would fix me but i think mt mental illness would not actually be fixed by being around people...... i dont know i think you don't really "recover" from what ive been through mentally but maybe friends would be nice <- Im not making friends. the time and opportunity for making friends irl has gone and past. AND im autistic and give off negative and uncomfortable vibes when people see me irl so its not happening unfortunately
#assuming that this was not sent by somebody who lives in my town and is outside my house right now#but i guess if it was. Hmu??#i like talking to people and making internet friends but right now im operating at like 0.5 mental speed and im awful w/ conversations#and keeping up with people which ANYBODY who has been in contact with me lately would agree with#so i cant in good faith say that talking to me would be a good idea. i dont even really know why someone would ever WANT to#as oppossed to the millions of other people they could talk to and know#its like 3am right now and im very tired so i dont know if this even makes sense#i feel like any amount of making friends or having a social life would just be a banage covering up my real problems#which are unfixable. mental illness doesnt not work like that. you cant extrovert ur way out of it#but at least if i had somebody to watch movies with on weekends that would be SOMETHING. maybe not much but something#anyway.... sleeping now 😴😴💤#ask
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today should be a t break day
bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts
but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain
so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either
#text post#no idea where the fuck this came from and it kept me up until fucking four in the fucking morning#but only NEARLY crying my body/brain still won't let me FULLY cry#and i did email my prior doc with a 'can i ask u just abt this one current symptom and if it is abt what i think & ill send u 20 bucks even'#she said no to the twenty bucks but said yeah it does sound like my ptsd has been triggered by multiple things over the last year#and the not being able to cry is a part of it. my body's trying to protect me from feeling anything abt it and breaking down#and part of that means not letting the tears fall so there's no physical acknowledgement of any feelings#which is what i was thinking was going on but it's nice to confirm it with someone who knows their shit#doesn't fix it but at least i know.#the thing is that the triggers are like. good? bc im in a healthier safer environment now with ppl that don't do what my mum & fam do to me#but it means my brain is learning just how much of a lot of it Wasn't Normal and was actually Pretty Harmful and that's.#i want my brain to just accept and get over that already tbh. okay so that's the case it doesn't change anything????#why are we still thinking abt it and having feelings over it at this point bc that feels like a waste of time#there are no apologies I'll get for things that happened from when i was younger and there's no closure it just Is What It Is#I'm tired of even wanting to cry over it when I'd rather be throwing myself into making money & being productive art-wise#it manages to interrupt so many fucking facets of my life like#whatever. anyway considering a music au new draft where ed and izzy meet seth. and immediately offer to kill him for Pickles aksnsjfnfgj
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sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but that’s another story)
i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care
#signed: vika's ghost#also i've caught a cold so there's that too#terribly sorry for being overdramatic i'm just... tired of being tired and i wanted to talk about it a little bit#it's very important for me to talk about everything that's wrong with me. i tend to avoid that but now i'm trying to learn and to make peace#creative drive and ability to hold thought-out conversations keep slipping out of my graps and it kinda hurts more#— in a good cathartic sort of way but painful nonetheless — to remember what they felt like at all#i miss wanting to work on my wip and i miss having the attention span to write out headcanon and i miss having headcanons#and i miss talking to my fandom friends#(i did it just last week but i already miss it. it's one of the things i'd like to be able to do every day)#and i miss the ability to connect with art and i miss the ability to focus on written word and i miss commenting#and i miss discussing ideas and i miss interacting and i miss having fun. god i just miss having fun.#kp my apologies for not making much progress on bb&b; myself my apologies for not writing any of my other wips or outlines or posts;#da gc gang my apologies for not following up on any of the things; every fic writer whose work ended up in my to-read pile IM SORRY#jack & kp specifically i love your stuff#also jack my apologies for taking a While; & the rd gc apologies for never writing out any of the cool au thoughts i'd had after some point#really，i've been meaning to. everything requires way too much effort. everyone is so fun and i miss having fun#take care，remember me fondly，i'll be back，please stand by#if tomorrow morning i find this embarrassing i'll chalk it up to a fever or something.#idc i'm allowed to have it. world won't blow up if i'm embarrassing on the internet once or twice or honestly even forever#vikarambles#vent
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emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean
#what did i do#i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was#just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do#why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what#i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all#sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged#or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt#i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so#different..like no it didnt. or im missing something?#i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood#innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍#ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother#we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i#doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt#Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone#like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door#and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?????????#those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt#ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he#told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT??????#oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it#be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL#I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO#she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE#8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME#mothers when they mother👍
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#I COMMITTED THE CARDINAL SIN OF NOT CHECKING MY GIFS FIRST ON MOBILE YET AGAIN im so...#good thing its only been 15 mins#CURSE YOU TUMBLR WHY ARE MY GIFS ALWAYS SO FUCKED UP ON MOBILE ?????#ill have to see if the size has anything to do with it#in any case. i am too tired for this tonight. mitski will have to wait til tomorrow again... sob...#if any gifmakers out there see this by any chance DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY???#wizardofgoodfortune
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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...
#sometimes i feel very normal and then i interact with ppl lol#i had an in person meeting with my boss for the 1st time in ages and i usually talk to ppl while theyre driving or were walking somewhere#so i forgot how much im like obviously not making eye contact when ppl talk to me while hunched over and fidgeting lol#and when im trying to explain ideas to ppl abt like data stuff im like: i dont understand how what im saying doesnt make sense???#also with a healthy dose of wtf is this person trying to say to me? u r saying words and i dont kno what theyre directed at#we had a lab party and im like v awkward at those things. idk how to interact in groups#ppl r interacting and im watching like u r clearly getting something out of this that i am not#i did maybe secure a place as a patient for one of our undergrads who is in the dental school lol#she was like yea i need 8 patients and i was like lol u can look in my mouth and then proceeded to tell her all the weird teeth problems#ive had. maybe that was weird but she seemed interested so 🤷#i hope she follows up bc i havent been to the dentist in like 3 years#and i still habe my wisdome teeth#lol me at any party: i am waiting patiently until i can leave.#like its weird bc those r the time when ppl bond and make memories and all that but everytime someone calls back to events that ive been#there fore it baffles me bc im like. yea that was a thing that happened. i dont really have any feelings abt it so idk y u r recalling it#fondly??? plus my ears r kinda fucked so it was hard to focus on individual conversations#ay im so scatterbrained. thats what happens when u get little sleep and dont allow ur self to chill. ill just crunch myself into a lil ball#at least my boss tried to reassure me that id get accepted somewhere phd wise. but i will not relax until its official so rip#i just really want 2 specific schools to work out bc one is close to home and the other i can prob get good classes and opportunities#ugh i need to sleep. but im not tired :-P#unrelated
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proing and conning making an IF and it’s like
pros: it’s content that caters to my interests that i wanna see, i can find other people who also like those things, as a long term goal it would be good for me to consistently work on a project im passionate about, i just want more friends 🥹
cons: most of my ros will probably be bipoc and therefore they will probably be: whitewashed, villainized, overly sexualized no matter the context etc, the IF community can be entitled, ngl it can also just be super white
the biggest pro: IM delusional and believe i’m never wrong esp when it comes to my opinions on my characters and world building so good luck to anyone who tries to make me feel anything other than that in terms of baseless accusations/demands
almost forgot the biggest con: coding lmaooo
#like i KNOW i can do it! but shOULD I?? is the world rEADY?? am I ready???#lyriumsings txt#ngl i don’t think i’m some master story teller by any means#in fact i think anything i make wil mostly be popcorn good at best#but it would be MINE#and i could meet so many cool people#also getting from beginning to end would be such a personal achievement#idk why but it would mean a lot to me to just put out a project like that#i’m not home rn i’ve been out of state for like almost 2 weeks#so i’m hoping when i get home i can start outlining in my free time between art#i have so many ideas and idk im finally getting to the point where i’m tired of them being in my head#i wanna share them even if no one else is interested#at least i’ll know i did it#it’ll be a tangible thing that I did all on my own#i can handle racism but i draw the line at coding apparently
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the amount of musical biopics coming out and being produced is concerning atp enough is enough can we get some new stories helloooo
#and this is coming from a bio pic enjoyer thats how you know it's irritating now#studios not even looking for original ideas anymore just remakes reboots adaptations and biopics what happened to cinema...#sorry to be old man yelling at cloud but im annoyed. the only original storytelling im seeing lately is horror and im a scaredy cat😭#also any media with too much killing is hard to watch mirror touch synthesia has me by the throat sometimes 🧍🏽#even the two biggest films last year that were so big they had their own joint name weren't original stories...enoughhhhh#ig barbie can be called original in a way but still an adaptation to me idk#point is...im so tired of seeing the same actors same directors same stories. been so excited reading abt the ny african film festival!#like yaaass original stories new characters new settings THANK YOU. african cinema especially has grown so much like we've come so far#and just having our actual good stories be highlighted on a global level does and would do so much for us and our visibility#i know one day it'll happen yup and I'll be right there to witness it 🙏🏽
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Nobody talks about how utterly humiliating it is to love your family with your whole heart and they dont even. Like you.
#like sorry i need to talk about it because i have no idea how to navigate interacting with my family one fucking bit because i was never.#because i was never . around them . and i have no common interests and any interaction with me is just an obligation to them i think#like this year i was really excited for my 18th birthday and i really wanted to do something but i thought better of trying to plan so#mthing myself because do you know how fuckinh humiliating it would've been#nobody would've shown up. one of my aunts n uncle took a vacation out of state during my birthday. nobody else would've come and it would've#jsut been like. me. and that would've taken time out of everyone's schedules for the kid they dont like#its so embarrassing that im still upset over my fucking birthday when it's been like six months but i was really excited and thats so#terrible for me#i worked on my birthday too. i felt too embarrassed to request it off without a good reason#and then i went to dinner with my dad and my mom got upset because she didn't get much sleep before work#god its humiliating and im so tired#i think after this year i should just stop going to my family's stuff because i never get invited anyway and it's just my dad telling me#what time things are and bringing me along and i dont think any of them actually want me there but i love them so much and i want to see#them but they dont want to see me and i dont think they ever have#and i really want to make an effort to get to know them better and interact with them more because i couldn't for years but i dont know how
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i remember this one time when i was planning on going to my best friend's (we were 'dating' in that little kid way, where we didn't really understand that kind of thing) house
i couldn't have been older than 10 yet i dressed up the best i could, used the lipstick with the plumper in it, put on a little mascara. i knew what men liked, so surely it must be the same. this is what i am meant to do. this is the only reason people like me, right?
it was something aaron taught me
sometimes they're nicer to you if you're pretty
#not to mention that same friends father molested me. possibly several times. so </3#were also not friends anymore. it is what it is. i missed them for a really long time but they were not good to me either#theres a lot i didnt tell them. they dont know about their dad or damien or aaron or any of the men aaron had me 'entertain'#just. realizing that this is something thats been affecting me since i was very small fucked me up#probably why i prefer not to wear makeup/revealing clothes#(not that theres anything wrong w those things. theyre just not good for me bc of association)#sometimes i wonder if their dad did more than touch me but i cant be certain right now#he was such a creep. if he was willing to do that i do genuinely worry for my ex friend & their brother#AND the baby their dad just had with his new wife. i dont trust that man even a little bit#csa vent#trauma vent#actuallyabused#fuuuuuck im so tired of this#the more i remember the more horrified i am at what i lived thru and coped with all by myself. sometimes i dont even know how i survived#like how does a child live through that shit? i just. i have no idea. breaks my heart#i mustve been so scared when their dad did that to me. another man i thought i could trust. i was so little.
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trying to figure out how to pitch this setting to my current ttrpg party in the event that everyone stops doing their stupid JOB long enough to play toys with me again one day...
#or to perhaps gm it for other parties. who can say. if anyone#*glances at audience*would be interested *glances again* at any time maybe we could work something out who knows#its. hrmmm. our party is half newbies very enthusiastic about it and half dyed-in-the-wool dee n dee dudes#and ive been tinkering with the idea of like. a distinct way magic works in this setting and also just kind of#doing whatever and maybe using a different game because dee n dee is suck and the combat is nightmarish#but i dont know how to introduce that even if i HAD dm'ed before and anyway im struggling thinking#'some dms should just write a book instead'. because i like gorget i like what i've made#but its hard to develop around the idea of an animated force that doesnt exist yet and also i just#hrmmmm. puts chin in hands.#i love storytelling and i love worldbuilding and i love CHARACTER CREATION its just#i feel like. i want to share it with people. im not confident in it but i want other people to see it#because i always try to communicate with my art in my weird inept way and i feel like...this is my best chance to be understood#i would like that very much. but i don't know how. and of course if i put it out in the world#it belongs to other people too and if i become Known and Understood then i belong to other people too#which is always scary to me...#what if they dont like it (me). what if they do? what then#i think i have interesting contributions to make to this world...but being part of the world is hard#so much of them time i spend trying to keep the world OUT because it is always touching me and pressing on me and weighing on me#which is important to respect but very tiring and leaves very little room for anything else ever mind the responsibilities#of being a good friend...#ive been thinking about it a lot recently. it feels like there is something fundamental that makes me incapable#of getting close to people or at least uncomfortable with it but i want it so badly and i'm dying without it#i don't know what to do about that but art is my window into the world. so it is important to me.#i forgot what i was saying. do you want to see my introduction i wrote up for the setting awhile ago
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