#i have multiple and maybe related chronic pain issues

[jennyandvastraflint]

Damn the medication on an empty stomach makes everything hurt...

There's a REASON medication should be taken with meals and I'm stupid. (aka I can't think beyond "This'll make pain go away" until my body then starts revolting because I haven't eaten anything yet)

[weebsinstash]

something that I think would be, truly one of the worst things about the yandere Batfamily really truly is their power to make any and every problem you've ever had completely go away in no time at all

it can be such an awful feeling to see that you struggled in vain with something that was nothing at all to someone else. You could have significant issues that have followed you all your life and have had traumatic impacting effects on you and these people could come in and sweep that all away. Student loans you've been paying off for years, if not a fraction of your lifespan, still burying you in debt? We are talking fucking decimal points on the scale of Bruce Wayne's wealth. That bad leg from an old work injury? Let's grab you one of the best doctors in Gotham, if not the entire world, fuck, we may even get you a doctor or medicine that isn't even human-made! Y'all want a magic leg? We know this chick who can speak backwards, you want a magically healed leg?

Crippling loneliness? Eternal sunshine and objectively best Robin Dick Grayson is here to brighten your entire world since he knows what it can feel like to be hurting and alone and he's literally like the heart and soul of the entire manor besides Alfred

Chronic pain, an undiagnosed disability, or maybe you're not confident in your fitness? Jason has extensive knowledge of injury recovery, physical therapy, and overall knowledge about human biology and musculature and how everything correlates

Family issues? Daddy issues? Let Resident Troubled Kid Expert Alfred Pennyworth be your new grandpa. He's dealt with more than one temperamental snappy individual, and he'll use his patience, experience, and wit to wear down all your stress and hostility. It's hard to keep being cruel to someone who's nothing but kind to you, and he has plenty of patience and delicious baked treats to hold out until you give in

Honestly just the fact most of them are so fucking young would get under my skin. You could be approaching your 30s and be sitting here at the Wayne family dinner table as their weird sister/mom/girlfriend/whatever and being all "I've just always had these struggles my entire life, I dont know what's wrong with me, I feel like I can't control how I act or feel and I hate it" and someone like Tim who depending on the source material and where you are on the timeline is a literal teenager with extensive knowledge of criminals and psychology is just over here, "oh, that? You have chronic childhood trauma, recurring resurfacing conflict related ptsd, severe abandonment issues, emotional regulation problems that are probably biological, and also you probably have autism, and there's nothing wrong with any of that :)" and then he turns to Bruce and starts talking about how his school is taking a trip abroad to Greece while you sit there processing that everyone around the table has extensively psychologically evaluated you and you probably have your own file on the Batcomputer (you do. It's excessive.)

It's just. The psychology of having all these problems you've struggled with be wiped away by someone else like it's nothing and how, that can result in making someone feel all the more worthless and helpless. Oh, Bruce was able to just make all your problems disappear? Clearly YOU weren't trying hard enough. Tim is able to suss out what's wrong with you? Well YOU'RE the dysfunctional idiot who was born wrong, and YOU were the one choosing the wrong doctors. You're watching all these young teenagers or young adults be vigilantes and travel the world and learn multiple languages and you're like. Normal guy Steve from the grocery store. You know? They take control of your life and make you feel like a side character in it, because everything you do is now attached to them, and all of them and all of their adventures are so... spectacular

And really, someone with a meaner heart, and maybe someone more blunt like, say, Damian, could perhaps come in and make some comment, "see? This is why you needed our assistance in caring for you" and what are you gonna do, NOT act like they basically fixed your entire life in less than a year's time, with the one objection of kidnapping and imprisonment? You're just over here, "um yeah, actually, I'm an adult and I can take care of myself, you don't need to TAKE CARE OF ME???" meanwhile Bruce and Alfred are exchanging knowing looks while you speak as if the old butler hadn't needed to help you call your doctor and other important urgent matters because being on the phone with strangers gave you such intense anxiety. Ok yes sure honey you are a lovely functional adult and your brain is big and beautiful and perfect 🥰 now shut up about going to live back home on your own, go play Xbox with your new brothers or go bake something with Grandpa while the world's greatest detective sits down in the Batcave using the Batcomputer to track down and "have a friendly chat" with that one childhood teacher that gave you that one really specific trauma-

[turtletaubwrites]

Bend Until You Break ~ Masterlist

This completed series means a lot to me, so I've made this masterlist to keep it all in one place, as well as to include asks from those who relate the story, and some resources for those who related to the reader's pain a little too much. I've also included a link to a post where I share my intentions with this story, as well as my feelings about how bad our bad doctor really is. THIS FIC CONTAINS DARK CONTENT. 18+ ONLY. MDNI.

Pairings: YANDERE!Trafalgar Law x Fem!Reader

Ao3 Link

Summary: You have struggled with mystery pains and injuries for most of your life, and had resigned yourself to suffer after every doctor told you there was nothing wrong. But when a world renowned doctor/pirate comes to town to offer aid in exchange for supplies, you decide to give hope one more chance. Maybe you'll finally find a doctor you can trust.

Author's Note: PLEASE heed the tags below, and do not read this fic if you aren't comfortable with these topics. Some of these medical issues may or may not have come from personal experience 🙃

*I am not a doctor, and this is not meant to be educational, or to contain any health advice. Please seek a health professional. Hopefully you'll have better luck than the reader 🙄

Thank you so much @anemptypuddingcup for this request. You helped me write one of my favorite stories 🙏🏼🖤

Part 1 ~ (2679) | Part 2 ~ (4447) | Part 3 ~ (3208) | Part 4 ~ (3451) | Part 5 ~ (2974) Part 6 ~ END ~ (4224) | Author's Notes About the Message & Law's True Nature

If you relate to the chronic pain symptoms and joint issues that the reader has, you might want to learn about hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and hypermobility spectrum disorders. Here's a couple links to get you started: The Ehlers-Danlos Society The Ehlers-Danlos Support UK hEDS Diagnostic Criteria *Once again, I am not a doctor. Please seek advice from a medical professional. I hope that you find one that supports and listens to you. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. I believe your pain. 🖤

Rating/Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content, 18+ ONLY, MDNI, AFAB!Reader, She/Her Pronouns for Reader, Reader-Insert, DARK CONTENT, DUBCON, Dubious Consent, Swearing, Eventual Smut, Yandere, Manipulation, Power Imbalance, Hypermobility, Medical Examination, Medical Trauma, Medical Conditions, Chronic Pain, Injury, Physical Disability, Physical Therapy, Doctor/Patient, Abuse of Authority, Kidnapping, Possessive Behavior, Other Additional Tags to be Added, (Reader is described as having hair "above her shoulders" that she can brush), Needles, Drugs, Arguing, Massage, Praise Kink, Pain, Dissociation, Humiliation, Gaslighting, Non-Consensual Drug Use, (Implied), Birth Control, Menstruation, Discussion of Pregnancy, Brief/Implied Discussion of Sterilization Surgery, Teasing, Dom Trafalgar D. Water Law, Hand & Finger Kink, Blood, Spit, Dacryphilia, Vaginal Fingering, Penis in Vagina Sex, Unprotected Sex, (Be Safe Out There), Multiple Orgasms, Rough Sex, Creampie, Pet Names, Overstimulation, Cunnilingus, Biting, Bruises, Hair-Pulling, Aftercare, Inappropriate Use of Akuma no Mi | Devil Fruit Powers

Asks from People Who Relate to the Story: | Ask 1 | Ask 2 | Ask 3 |

| masterlist | about me | rules | ao3 | ko-fi |

[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

~*~

1. ITMF a fic where the Lans or the neis or the cultivation world in general find out about the abuse wwx takes at jiang sect and the other sects trying to help him @zerokogane

Warming up (to him) by barisan (T, 9k, LQR & WWX, WangXian, Hypothermia, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Temporary Character Death, Medical Inaccuracies, YZY Abuses WWX, JFM Bashing, pre-wangxian, Good Uncle LQR, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort) I have recommendations for the 1st one where Lan Qiren steps in!

Rediscovery, Reconstruction by ExtraPenguin (M, 27k, JFM/WWX, LQR & WWX, WWX/OC(s), rape/non-con, underage, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rape Recovery, bildungsroman, Self-Discovery) tw for csa and rape, this one makes the abuse even worse but it's a wonderful fic about Lan Qiren stepping in to save Wei Wuxian (also has wwx/original character)

Blooming Bruises on my Soul and Body by xxxMiaHikarixxx (T, 13k, WangXian, Living on Streets, psychological abuse, WWX being a protective brother, JC being a protective brother, Good brother JC, Good brother LXC, Happy Ending, Angst With Some Comfort, Physical Abuse, Neglect, LXC is a Wangxian supporter, LWJ is whipped, Hate Crimes, multiple POVs)

🔒💙 Holding shreds by barisan (T, 5k, WangXian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, No Sunshot Campaign, Body Swap, Not for sexy shenanigans, Chronic Pain, Hurt WWX, Hurt LWJ, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abusive YZY, Bad Parent YZY,  Bad Parent JFM, Good Uncle LQR, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, POV WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jiāng Family Bashing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Getting Together, Smart WWX)

~*~

2. Hi! Now that I finished my exams 😭, I'm ready to read a lot of new Wangxian fics! ❤️

So, for the next ITMF, I was thinking in fics about:

A) The Lans (LQ, LXC, LWJ or any Lan) looking for WWX in the burial mounds after he saved the Wens, bc they need his help. And then the Lans decided to help WWX after watching the truth.

B) Or the Lans visiting WWX bc LWJ said WWX didn't have any army and when they understand the truth, they decided to help WWX and the Wens.

Plus if there is a Wangxian weeding 😍. Please happy ending in both cases. 🙏

Thank you so much!! Love this blog 🤗💜

@wangxiansgirl

2A)

Weep You No More, Sad Fountains by athena_crikey (T, 59k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-it fic, Whump, Curses, Fever, Delirium, Stabbing, Loneliness, Confessions, LXC realising sympathy is not support, LQR Being an Asshole)

2B)

Discordant Rhapsody by nirejseki (T, 49k, LQR & WWX, wangxian, JC & WWX, WQ & WWX & WN, LWJ & LQR & LXC, canon divergence, fix-it, hurt/comfort, trauma, politics, protective LQR, protective LWJ, protective WWX, LQR centric, whump, angst)

🔒 the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break by RoseThorne (E, 91k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Fix-It, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Handfasting, Panic Attacks, Getting Together, First Time, Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, /Referenced Torture, Scars, Chronic Pain, Golden Core Reveal, First Time, Switching, sex-related injury, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, LSZ is a Wèi, Good Sibling JC, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days)

~*~

3. hii! i hope you guys are doing well <3! I've been in a nhs mood, and I was wondering if you have any recs with nhs and wwx friendship, fix it, canon, anything works! i read the one in your last itmf i think, and I'm just craving more of those two! thank you in advance! @flexible-racoon

~*~

4. ITMF a dead dove focusing on CQL nieyao's age gap @crypticidentity

~*~

5. Itmf canon-compliant ish fics (not modern setting) where the first thing Wei Wuxian does after coming back from the dead is run straight to Lan Zhan? Thank you!

~*~

6. HIII is there any good arranged married Wwx and Lwj? Or maybe they're married fr and they have A-yuan as their son? @naoenowa

True Gold Fears No Fire by defractum (nyargles) (M, 69k, WIP, WangXian,  Royalty AU, Ancient China, Wuxia, Historical Inaccuracy, Arranged Marriage, Identity Porn, Mutual Pining, Emperor!LWJ, empress!wwx, Eventual Happy Ending, Misunderstandings)

Into the Oubliette by Ruixx (M, 124k, WIP, WangXian, Growing Up, Fix-It of Sorts, Arranged Marriage, Time Travel, Sibling Bonding, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Canon Divergence, Light BDSM, Breathplay, Wwx protection squad, Sunshot Campaign, War Politics, Hostage JYL, Visions, LXC Redemption, general lwj, Internal Sect, Politics, Good Uncle LQR, Lan OC’s, No Golden Core Transfer, Empire Building)

🧡 hypothetically, of course by johnnyfucksup (G, 22k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Character Study, Kinda, Inter-sect politics, a little bit, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Strangers to Lovers, Getting to Know Each Other, Falling In Love, The Mortifying Ordeal of Falling In Love With Your Betrothed, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, very awkward ones at that, Slow Burn Speedrun)

A Wonderful (business) Arrangement by Orchidaisy_55 (E, 58k, wangxian, JC/NHS, LXC/JGY, JYL/JZX, Arranged Marriage, Modern, A/B/O, True Love, First Love, Mpreg, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Domestic Fluff, WWX is LSZ's Parent, mentions of miscarrage, Anal Sex, secondary sex characteristics, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy)

The Ties That Bind by silverclaw (G, 43k, wangxian, A/B/O, Arranged Marriage, Modern, Alpha WWX, Omega LWJ, past toxic relationship, Slow Burn, husbandiest of husband material WWX, mention of mpreg in relation to side-character, hurt LWJ, WWX falls first AND harder, No Smut)

After I Met You by Amandyalmonds (M, 78k, wangxian, Dragon LWJ, Fox Spirit WWX, Canon Divergence, Royalty AU, Slow Burn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Madam Yu's A+ Parenting, Protective WQ, Protective LWJ, Canon-Typical Violence, Unreliable Narrator WWX, Arranged Marriage, Miscommunication, Autistic LWJ, WIP)

Cultivator Lan's Wedding by squishh (Not Rated, 14k, wangxian, LXC/QS, Arranged Marriage, hidden identity, Nobleman Ryu's Wedding AU, slightly more based in historical reality, still xianxia tho, Wife swap, Slow Burn, Bisexual WWX, Demisexual LWJ, No War AU, No Yīn Iron, WWX's canonical backstory - mostly, YZY is slightly less abusive, still abusive tho, JYL not engaged to JZX, Canon-Typical Violence, No homophobia as a form of self-care to the author, Happy Ending, JC and WWX have a much better relationship here, POV Alternating, POV LWJ, POV WWX, Crossdressing, Historical Fantasy, WIP)

🔒 it's just a little white lie by MohnDoe (T, 1k, wangxian, Inspired by a Reddit Post, Modern Setting, Arranged Marriage, WIP)

Not Lost, Just Undiscovered by anancites (E, 107k, wangxian, Modern, Arranged Marriage, Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Idiots in Love, Mildly Dubious Consent)

~*~

7. Fics which go with the lyrics: " These days, I'm way too lonely

I'm missing out, I know

These days, I'm way too alone And I'm known for giving love away, but

I want someone who love me

I need someone who needs me

'Cause it don't feel right when it's late at night

And it's just me in my dreams So I want someone to love, that's what I fucking want "

Song: that's what I want, by Lil nas x

All the ways that you remain by Spodumene (G, 23k, WangXian, Modern AU, Canada, Romance, First Meetings, Cottagecore, There Was Only One Bed, Mention of Parent Death, Getting Together)

~*~

8. itmf fics where wwx hurts lwj (emotionally or physically)

Over the Rotted Bridge by vailkagami (T, 314k, WangXian, Temporary Character Death, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, LWJ dies, Wei Wuxian doesn’t die, neither do (most of) the wens, JYL also lives, Original Character(s), outside pov, YLLZ WWX, Canon Divergence, CQL Verse, Illustrated, Grief/Mourning, Non-Consensual Resurrection, mute LWJ, Hurt LWJ, Slow Burn, canonical death of a child (mentioned), Survivor Guilt, PTSD)

~*~

9. ITMF heavy angst BUT I don't want it to be whump

Twin Demons of Mò by XiaoFeiFei (ArfBarkWoof) (M, 358k, MXY & WWX, wangxian, JL & MXY, XY & MXY, JGY & MXY, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury, Abuse, Death, Twin Demons of Mo AU, MXY Lives, Major Character Injury, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Minor Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Torture, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Canon Divergence, Self-Harm, Found Family, Sexual Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, POV Alternating)

~*~

10. ITMF a fic where wwx died in the past and then lwj waits for him to reincarnate and lives into the modern world where they meet again but wwx doesn't remember until later (or its fine if he remembers too )

based on a photo on Pinterest whose link ill paste cos I can't attach photos for some reason in the ask

Thanks again! Ly guys! @maurader--here

All Old Things are New Again by The Feels Whale (miscellea) (M, 51k, WangXian, XuanLi, ChengQing, Reincarnation, Modern AU, canon still happened, extreme post canon, Sugar Daddy, Kink Negotiation, gentle dom!LWJ, canonical levels of consent play, Modern Cultivators)

the recluse at the end of the moonlit path by beesinspades (T, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Reincarnation, Post-Canon, Jack of All Trades Artist WWX, Immortal! LWJ, Mutual Pining, Light Angst, Reunions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Asexual Character, good vibes, [Podfic] the recluse at the end of the moonlit path by b_ofdale by Beria1021)

🧡 We Were Never Strangers by NeverEnoughWangxian (M, 36k, WangXian, Reincarnation, Modern AU, POV WWX, (mostly), College Student WWX, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Immortal LWJ, Immortal LSZ, Dreams, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Sexual Tension, Sexual Content)

~*~

11. Hello! Any fics where LWJ is shown to bond with animals?

No specific animal, just that it treats LWJ a bit specially or listens to him etc.

Thank you for your work!

in the arms of the angel by ScarlettStorm (E, 37k, WangXian, Modern AU with Magic, Fox WWX, animal rescuer LWJ, Comedy, Smut, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Adhd WWX, the mortifying ordeal of getting your head stuck in a peanut butter jar) it sort of fits bc lwj is in animal rescue & has some powers to make the animals feel calm & safe!

Lan Zhan's University Days (JAFFY) by sami (T, 10k, WangXian, Modern AU, Kinda, cultivated to immortality, University, outsider pov, Wei Wuxian is a chaos gremlin, ridiculous future bullshit wwx vs Local Culture) Sami's Lan Zhan's University Days from ridiculous future bull series. The cows in the farm and in later rfb glimpses with various baby animals

~*~

12. IMTF: I recently finished the WIP “Horseshoes and Hand Grenades” by Phantomhill which was amazing and hilarious. I’m now itmf any fics with the same premise of bringing the original Yiling Patriarch forward into the modern era, preferably without relying on reincarnation for the other characters. Any ships acceptable except self-insert. Thanks! @jensownzoo

结局难更改 (the ending is hard to change) Series by PorcupineGirl (G, 50k, WangXian, Time Travel, Modern with Magic, Modern Cultivators AU, Canon Divergence, Time Traveler WWX, discussion of canonical character deaths, conveniently localized fires, Discussion of Canonical Suicide Attempt, mostly happy but slightly bittersweet ending, Reincarnation, LWJ POV, Established Relationship, Aromantic JC) might fit as it involves WWX ending up in the future instead of falling to his death

~*~

13. Hello all, sorry if this ask is too explicit 😳

I’m looking for fics where Wei Wuxian has a small penis and Lan Wangji has a big one 🍆

Love me some size difference

Thanx in advance

The Damage You Do by stiricide (E, 104k, WIP, WangXian, Modern AU, Dom/Sub, Dark LWJ, Mobster LWJ, Possessive LWJ, Sex Worker WWX, Sugar Baby WWX, WWX adopts LSZ, Dubious Consent, each chapter has sex tag notes on it, BDSM, Sounding, Panic Attacks, Angst with a Happy Ending)

~*~

14. Do you have Yunmeng bros reconciliation fics that have reverse golden core reveals (wwx finding out about jc getting captured in his place). Angst is fine :)

Thank you!!!! &lt;;3 @twlaei

~*~

15. For the next ITMF can i get fics where LZ plays their song before an audience while wy watches speechless? It could be a recital, it could be a party, it could be a wedding...it just has to have lz playing his heart out for WY while an audience is present.

LZ could be singing or playing any instruments like violin, guqin, piano etc.

For example, drag my teeth across your chest (by ana_cp) - violin. // last part in a FF post ~Mod L @imstillthinkingaboutithmm

Talisman by Witch_Nova221 (M, 192k, WangXian, Modern AU, Eventual Romance, Theatre, Rock Band, Childhood Friends, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Spousal Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Stalking, Minor Character Death, Friends to Lovers, Orphans, Mutual Pining)

~*~

16. ITMF for...

Fics when either WangXian or any other pairing (bonus if it's a rarepair or the Juniors are involved) are discovered by someone walking in on them? Even more bonus if WangXian are together and it's them walking in on someone! Thank you! @fomalhaut48

I spy by Anonymous (E, 9k, wangxian, Voyeurism, Masturbation, Rough Sex, of the wangxian kind, Pseudo-Incest, is it uuuuh incest if one spies on their adoptive parents, the juniors get more than they bargained for, Blow Jobs, Face-Fucking)

Countless Roads by SunBlueSun (E, 5k, wangxian, Accidental Voyeurism, Switching, Versatile | Switch Wangxian, Porn with Feelings, Minor Original Character(s), Love, hanguang jun has flowers in his hair, POV Outsider)

Friends with Great Benefits by FrameofMind, Jo Lasalle (Jo_Lasalle) (E, 15k, wangxian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, First Time, virgins, Voyeurism, Accidental Voyeurism, Semi-accidental voyeurism, WWX's canonical heteronormative assumptions, cutsleeve awakenings, Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, (it depends on who you ask))

a new light by museaway (T, 2k, wangxian, Accidental Voyeurism, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, POV Outsider, Canon Compliant)

~*~

17. Itmf wwx is in a slump, depressed, burnt out, breaking down, etc and lwj swoops in with tender loving care to pull him from his slump.

12 Hours In Hell and Paradise (Or: Lan Zhan’s Distinguished Guide to Seasonal Depression) by demonicsalad (T, 4k, wangxian, Modern, Friends to Lovers, Developing Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Neurodiversity, Love Confessions, POV LWJ) Not quite what OP on 17 asked for, it's from LWJ's pov and primarily his struggles, but it is cute fic about both sides of WX battling seasonal depression and comforting each other

总有一天; a place to hide (can’t find one near) by yiqie (E, 76k, WangXian, Modern AU, Pianist, Getting Together, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Hospitals, Overdosing, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Additional Warnings In Author's Note)

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break, ch. 27

Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī & Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī & Wēn Qíng, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín & Jiāng Yànlí & Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén & Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī

Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Wēn Qíng, Wēn Níng | Wēn Qiónglín, Granny Wēn, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī, Wēn Remnants, , Fourth Uncle, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén, Jiang Yanli, Jiang Cheng | Jiang Wanyin, Original Characters, Niè Míngjué, Niè Huáisāng, Niè Zōnghuī, Jīn Zǐxuān

Additional Tags: Pre-Slash, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Secrets, Crying, Masks, Soulmates, Truth, Self-Esteem Issues, Regret, It was supposed to be a one-shot, Fix-It, Eventual Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, wwx needs a hug, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Filial Piety, Handfasting, Phobias, Sleeping Together, Fear, Panic Attacks, Love Confessions, Getting Together, First Kiss, Kissing, Boys Kissing, Family, and they were married, Bathing/Washing, Hair Braiding, Hair Brushing, Feels, Sex Education, Implied Sexual Content, First Time, Aftercare, Morning After, Afterglow, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Torture, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Hand Jobs, Chronic Pain, Biting, Conversations, Self-Sacrifice, POV Third Person, POV Lan WangJi, Bugs & Insects, Adoption, Ancestors, Ancestor Veneration, Golden Core Reveal, Top Lan Wangji | Lan Zhan/Bottom Wei Wuxian | Wei Ying, First Time Blow Jobs, Multiple Orgasms, Switching, sex-related injury, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī Stays at the Burial Mounds, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī is a Wèi, Good Sibling Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Disability, Scheming Niè Huáisāng, Disabled Character, somnophilia

Summaries: Wei Wuxian starts to fulfill the yuefu.

Notes: See end of each chapter

AO3 link

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25-6

---------------

The booth is large enough for Wei Qing to see patients, Wei Ning to brew medicine and keep food warm, and for Wei Ying, Lan Wangji, and A-Yuan to stay toward the back. A-Yuan plays quietly with his toys, and Wei Ying works on his notes about invention ideas, specifically told he can do no experiments here by Wei Qing. 

“We don’t need to scare folks off with explosions,” she says wryly. 

Wei Ying squawks indignantly but doesn’t argue, instead focusing on getting his ideas on paper. Lan Wangji oscillates between meditation and transcribing his notes into something more orderly. 

Her patients range from people with headaches, to women who have their moon or are pregnant, to people with more serious conditions. Wei Qing is kept busy, and by extension Wei Ning is as well. Brewing medicine is a meticulous process and if Wei Ying distracts him, Wei Qing glares at him, so he generally stays distracted in Yiling.

They continue Wei Ying’s musical acupuncture treatments every morning before they leave the Burial Mounds and when they return in the evening. At times, the brighter and warmer sun in Yiling leads his husband to drowse, and he’s happy to lend him a shoulder to nap on. 

Over a week passes before one of the street children, one who seems to be newer to the street, less wary, allows Wei Qing to examine him and give him medicine and salve for a particularly nasty-looking dog bite on his leg, hidden beneath his tattered robes, which makes Wei Ying shudder in empathy. He rolls up his zhong yi trousers and shows the boy his bite scars. 

“I was on the streets here in Yiling, too, for a long time,” he tells the kid, who looks awed. 

He’s maybe four years old, close to A-Yuan’s age, maybe a bit older. The boy eventually gives them the name Zhi. The inflection could have multiple characters, one meaning will or determination, another meaning wisdom, and still another meaning essence, though it’s doubtful he knows which one. 

It takes another week, during which A-Zhi stays near their booth and plays with A-Yuan much of the day while eating multiple meals, before they offer to take him home with them in the evening, explaining they live in the Burial Mounds. 

“What about the Yiling Laozu?” the boy asks in a whisper. “Is he going to eat me?”

“Aiya, if I was going to eat you, I would have already,” Wei Ying says softly. “And I haven’t eaten A-Yuan either.”

The boy bolts, leaving a distraught Wei Ying in his wake, but he returns the next day, a bit shy, but still staying close. When they ask if he’d like to come with them that evening, he bravely nods, following them up the mountain until he tires and joins Wei Ying and A-Yuan in the cart. 

“You’re not ugly, though,” A-Zhi says thoughtfully on the way. “Yiling Laozu pictures are ugly.”

Wei Ying huffs, and Lan Wangji answers for him. 

“The pictures are lies. Wei Ying is very beautiful.”

That gets a bashful whine from Wei Ying, especially when A-Zhi and A-Yuan agree. 

“Many lies are told about Wei Ying,” he tells the boy seriously. “Gossip is often wrong.”

A-Zhi is doted upon by the aunties and uncles, spoiled by Popo, fed plenty, and given a nice place to sleep with Popo and A-Yuan. When he comes with them to Yiling the next morning he is dressed in fresh, clean robes sewn from the bolts of fabric they had dyed green with bamboo leaves. One of the aunties, Qiuyue-ayi, sewed it in expectation of this development, having heard nightly from Wei Ying talking at dinner each night, giving them all anticipation—she is already working on more. A-Yuan happily calls him Zhi-gege.

“You don’t have to come to Yiling with us,” Wei Qing tells the boy.

“I want to play with A-Yuan,” A-Zhi says shyly, “and show I’m not eaten.”

He is clearly a bright child, potentially forced to mature beyond his years by his brief time on the streets as Wei Ying was. They don’t ask him how he wound up there, at Wei Ying’s insistence. 

“He’ll tell us if he wants to, Lan Zhan. Let it be his decision.”

Eventually, when he’s ready, they learn his father was killed by soldiers, likely Wen in the Sunshot Campaign, and his mother died of illness not too long ago, leaving him with no one and nowhere to go. 

They find the street children staying closer during the day and eating their fill after A-Zhi joins them, and slowly they add two more coming with them to the Burial Mounds. 

Aside from A-Zhi, who apparently imprinted on Wei Ying when they shared scars from dog bites, the other two gravitate toward the aunties and uncles. Lan Wangji cannot help but be relieved, as he is not certain they can effectively parent so many children. 

One, a little girl of about seven who suddenly joins them partway home one evening and introduces herself as A-Mei, mostly stays at the Burial Mounds during the day as well instead of following them into Yiling. She sticks close to Qiuyue-ayi, who presents her with a little dress made from the purple-dyed fabric and brushes her hair once she’s bathed. Wei Ying spends the next day at their booth whittling a rabbit hair pin, which she takes shyly with a happy little giggle. She largely stays close to Qiuyue-ayi and only goes back to town with them once. 

A slightly older boy, maybe eight or nine, A-Tao, identifies the character of his name as “like the tree,” which is good information to have because it could also mean pottery or cleanse. He spends several days hanging close to their booth before coming to the Burial Mounds, then mostly stays there and watches the farming and does little chores, like bringing water to those tending the crops, and is roundly spoiled by Popo with food. He’s understandably wary, shying away from them, and they let him sleep in Jifu’s old hut so he can be alone. 

“None of their stories are likely happy,” Wei Ying says softly after they’ve bathed and gone to bed to bask in the afterglow. 

Lan Wangji knows this, but Wei Ying is in part thinking aloud, which he is quite used to, so he only shifts to bring him closer. He knows also that this is forcing Wei Ying to relive a painful time in his life, but he hopes it brings a sense of catharsis. He is saving children from the very circumstances he was in as a child. 

“Even if they had happy lives before, those lives are gone now.”

“We will make new happy lives for them,” Lan Wangji promises, and is pleased when this seems to make Wei Ying settle. 

When Min Cenxi next visits with more supplies she is delighted, and she comes with disciple uniforms and other clothing in child sizes. She introduces herself as their da-shijie and fields questions about Lotus Pier. 

“We’ll teach you to swim, because there are a lot of lakes. And I’m sure Wei Wuxian will plant you with the lotuses so you’ll grow big and strong.”

A-Tao and A-Mei giggle at the idea, while A-Yuan insists it works and even gives siblings to a rapt A-Zhi.

By this time the children know they’ll be going to Lotus Pier eventually, but A-Mei is distraught upon learning Qiuyue-ayi will leave with Min Cenxi and insists on accompanying her, something easily accommodated. 

“Honestly, da-shixiong, I’m not surprised you’re already bringing that poem to life,” she says, which is how they learn that she’s heard it in Yunmeng already. “You’ve always been good with kids. Now for the lotuses.”

She gives him several varieties that Jiang Wanyin sent with her, meaning a pond will have to be built. Lan Wangji is about to resign himself to going without his husband to Yiling daily to protect Wei Qing until he’s succeeded when she reveals that two senior disciples will be staying to accompany her and help around the community. So he will be able to help with the process of growing lotuses after all. 

The disciples will serve as further protection for their little settlement, as well, and Lan Wangji nods his thanks. While the Jin haven’t acted, there is no guarantee they won’t. 

The children look adorable in their little Jiang sect disciple uniforms, A-Mei in her blue practice-appropriate dress, A-Zhi and A-Tao in purple hanfu. There are even several lotus guan for the boys to wear, and A-Tao can’t stop touching his when Popo puts his hair in a proper crown. 

Wei Ying starts building the pond for the lotuses near the cave entrance, between the entrance to the great hall and the Demon-Slaughtering Cave. He is helped by Lan Wangji, who insists he isn’t bothered by a little dirt, and a thrilled A-Yuan and A-Zhi, for whom digging is great fun getting dirty—not in their disciple uniforms, but what have been relegated as play clothes. A-Tao joins in when the Wei uncles insist on helping, and A-Mei just watches them as though judging them all, her countenance similar to Wei Qing’s. Even some of the visiting disciples help out. Popo brings out lunch for them all, cooked by some of the aunties, and they enjoy a small meal of noodles, mushrooms, and pork. 

By the end of Min Cenxi’s stay, the pond has been built and filled with water by Wei Ning, who simply fills a bathtub in the stream several times to do so, and the lotus seeds have been planted. The excuse to celebrate is a welcome one, so a larger meal is cooked, and Min Cenxi brings out some Lotus Breeze. 

Wei Ying asks A-Mei if she remembers her surname, or if she would like to take Wei or Jiang as her surname, and she wants the same surname as Qiuyue-ayi. A-Zhi wants to be a Wei as well, as soon as he hears she’ll be one, but when they ask A-Tao if he remembers his surname, he clams up. 

“If it’s Wen, that’s what we used to be,” Wei Qing tells him bluntly, and then has a crying little boy clinging to her. 

It’s a sad story—his parents pushing him out the back door of the farmhouse, telling him to run to the woods as gold-clad cultivators approached their farm, having heard terrifying rumors of what happened to people named Wen. They took his parents, likely to a labor camp, and burned the farm and slaughtered the animals needlessly, leaving the carcasses to rot. The poor child has wandered from town to town since, terrified someone will realize he’s a Wen and turn him in. 

Lan Wangji can’t help but wonder if other street children have similar stories, their lives ruined by the war and its aftermath. He wonders if the yuefu will draw them to Yiling.

“You’re our tang-di,” Wei Qing tells him, “and it’s up to you, but our surname is Wei now.”

And so they hold an adoption ceremony for all three children, bringing them into the family officially. Wei Ying takes great joy in introducing them to his parents, and explaining to their tablets why he is doing so, asking for their blessing. A-Yuan adorably insists they’re all his siblings, something A-Zhi enthusiastically agrees to. A-Mei shyly offers to be his tang-jie instead, and A-Tao shrugs at the idea, too worn down from crying to make a decision. Likely he will be their tang-ge. 

In the aftermath, A-Tao takes to sleeping with the aunties and uncles in the larger building, happy to have rediscovered distant family, trusting finally that he will not be turned out, and the Jiang disciples are able to take Jifu’s hut instead of sleeping in the great hall, and the uncles get started on building a second bed for them so they don’t have to trade off or share. They try to protest that it’s unnecessary, but the uncles insist, having worked on making small beds for the children so they don’t have to share with an adult unless they want to for comfort. 

A-Mei thanks Wei Ying, calling him gege, and he suggests she can call him Xian-gege.

“A-Yuan called me that before he started calling me A-Die,” he tells her.

“Okay, Xian-gege. You’re coming to Lotus Pier later?”

“Of course.”

She gives him a hug, brief and shy, and then runs to Qiuyue-ayi. 

A few days after Min Cenxi leaves with two of the remnants and the newly-named Wei Mei, several Nie disciples arrive with Nie Zonghui to night hunt the resentful creatures of the Burial Mounds beyond the wards. To start the arduous process of clearing them, with the hope of eventually cleansing them entirely. 

The Nie disciples have clearly been briefed on the situation, and they cook a feast out of a boar they slew on the way, while Wei Ning makes side dishes using supplies they provide. By the time the meal is finished, the children are stained liberally with grease and drowsing happily, likely soon to be bursting with energy and ready to run it off. 

Though they don’t want for meat anymore, such a meal goes a long way in rebuilding strength for the previously malnourished, and is thus welcome. Lan Wangji and Popo join forces to bully Wei Ying into eating enough, and A-Zhi mimics A-Yuan when he feeds Wei Ying from his bowl, too. Wei Ying puts on an exaggerated pout, but eats what he’s given by their children. 

“I know how to feed myself, you know.”

“Are you sure? I thought Xianxian was three,” Popo teases, and Wei Ying laughs. 

They also come with gifts of toys for the children, clearly acquainted with the poem, along with more practical gifts like better tools for farming and woodworking. They pass on a letter from Nie Huaisang, in which he tells them of his success with the yuefu and where it is currently released—Gusu, Yiling, Yunmeng, and Qinghe, carefully avoiding Lanling for now, though it will undoubtedly travel by word of mouth at some point.  

I don’t want Jin Guangshan time to notice it yet. He might scoff, but Jin Guangyao knows the power of such things. 

A cautious, intelligent approach that again reminds him that Nie Huaisang isn’t the know-nothing fop he pretends to be. Lan Wangji reminds himself to never play weiqi with him. 

While the Nie disciples conduct their Burial Mounds night hunt within the warded-off areas, Wei Ying and Lan Wangji rejoin Wei Qing in her daily trips to Yiling, along with A-Yuan and A-Zhi. To their surprise, the street kids seem pleased to see them, showing more interest in hanging around the stall, with new faces appearing for the free food. 

That night two more, a pair of orphaned brothers about A-Tao’s age, named A-Yun, for cloud, and A-Heng, for persistent, join their ranks on the trip back to the settlement, admitting they’d heard the yuefu while loitering outside a wine house in another town, then traveled to Yiling. Already its reach has brought results. 

“Will you really adopt us?” A-Yun asks, wary but hopeful. 

“If you’d like, or you can take the Jiang name when we go to Lotus Pier,” Wei Ying says seriously. ”If you become Weis, you’ll have plenty of aunties and uncles and a popo to dote on you, plus you’d have A-Yuan and A-Zhi as your didimen, if you want.”

“You need not decide immediately,” Lan Wangji adds, knowing the boys may want time to make a decision. “And you may take the Wei name without regarding us as parents if you prefer.”

“Planting with the radishes worked!” A-Yuan crows happily. 

This requires explanation to the other boys, and leaves A-Zhi awed and A-Yun and A-Heng amused. 

The two murmur between themselves the rest of the way home, and Lan Wangji makes no effort to listen in, allowing them their privacy.

The boys recognize one of the uncles as soon as they get to the Burial Mounds, one of the few not from Wei Qing’s branch. It winds up being a family reunion, if a bittersweet one because Bai-shushu confirms their parents died—their mother on the march to the labor camp, and their father taken by the smiling man and never returned. Like A-Tao and A-Mei, they’ll become cousins to A-Yuan and A-Zhi through Bai-shushu. 

“They did a good job, staying together and taking care of each other,” Wei Qing says, watching the boys as they cry tears of grief and joy. 

“And now they have more family to take care of them,” Wei Ying says, smiling softly. “The yuefu is bringing Wen children here, and may bring any Wen in hiding to us as well.”

“If not, it will still bring hope to them,” Lan Wangji adds. 

Wei Qing and Lan Wangji treat Wei Ying’s back before dinner, then wake him so he can eat. Afterward, they help get the children ready for bed and Lan Wangji organizes the mess of notes Wei Ying brought back from town that he has worked on while idle. 

The Nie disciples camp in the great hall, boisterous about the successful night hunt, which involved fierce corpses and several yao. They leave the next day after breakfast with a letter Wei Ying has written for Nie Huaisang, letting him know of their progress. 

The next day is not one of Wei Ying’s good days, so after his morning musical healing session, Lan Wangji lets him sleep instead of waking him to go to town with Wei Qing. He’s had a nice series of good days, so she isn’t worried, telling him to simply let him rest. So Lan Wangji spends the day working on sorting his recent notes and fielding A-Yuan and A-Zhi when they come together to check on “A-Die.”

“Baba takes care of A-Die,” A-Yuan tells A-Zhi, who nods seriously, letting his new brother explain everything to him. “Diedie sleeps after music and needles.”

They are not disruptive, so Lan Wangji entertains their questions and even shows them how to write their names, fascinating them, and eventually Popo comes to collect them. 

By the time Wei Ying wakes, Wei Qing and Wei Ning have returned from town with three children, two girls and a boy. When they leave the cave, they find the lotuses sprouting and are in time to stop A-Yuan from pulling one out. 

They are well on their way to fulfilling the yuefu. 

—————

Getting a new PCP this month and I have a long Covid appointment to see if they think I have it. I just want answers, you know?

Many thanks to adrian_kres, who also writes amazing fics, for being my awesome beta reader throughout this fic.

A-Zhi is named with the character for will, 志, pinyin zhì. Or at least this is the character Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji will decide upon.

A-Mei is named 美, pinyin měi, which means beautiful. Not demon or dark, I promise. Amusingly, apparently meimei, or little sister, sometimes uses this character. I can just imagine someone calling her Mei-meimei with all three characters the same. Or at least Wei Wuxian teasing. 

Qiuyue is named 秋月, pinyin qiūyuè, which means autumn moon. 

A-Tao is named using the character for peach tree, 桃, pinyin táo, the wood of which in Taoism is considered to repel evil spirits. He knows the meaning of his name and doesn’t need one chosen for him. 

A-Yun uses the character for cloud, 云, pinyin yún, and A-Heng uses the character for constant or persistent, 恒, pinyin héng. 

Bai means cypress/cedar tree, 柏, pinyin bǎi. 

I should specify that these aren’t going to be major characters (except maybe A-Zhi) but it felt awkward not to name them. This is largely so we can see how quickly their numbers grow with the children coming to trust them and even learning of a benevolent war-hero Yiling Laozu adopting and taking care of children and traveling to get in on the deal. Especially Wen children. Kind of an interlude chapter. 

ayi = auntie

da-shixiong = first elder martial brother

didimen = plural of didi, little brothers

gege = older brother

popo = grandmother 

da-shijie = first elder martial sister 

shushu = uncle

tang-di = younger male cousin

tang-ge = older male cousin

tang-jie = older female cousin

yuefu = a style of narrative poetry that basically borrows from Chinese folk song traditions—the Ballad of Mulan is an example

zhong yi = undergarments (shirt and trousers)

[irritablepoe]

favourite poe hcs??

:))))

oh anon i don't think you know what you've done

okay i'll list some headcanons and then i'll make a cut and list some further headcanons which contain spoilers for my fic that i haven't published yet, so they'll be major spoilers of what's to come!! you can decide if you wanna read them before ranpo finds these out hehe >:3

(if you don't read the fic that's irrelevant tho, enjoy the hcs ^^)

also pls note these are my personal hcs you ofc don't have to agree with them :3

ok first of all poe is absolutely unscareable, he could watch any horror movie and be deeply fascinated by it rather than afraid

exceptions are when there's a scene where many people talk over each other, he gets very overstimulated by that (also like in general not only in movies)

he can hear heartbeats more sensitively than a normal human being

he has relatives in america but doesn't talk to them a lot, especially since he isolated himself after ranpo defeated him

similar to irl poe i'd say his father left and his mother died when he was young leaving him and his siblings behind - they get adopted by their aunt & uncle, tho henry and poe move out quite quickly to get their own place

used to host big events in his mansion, he is very prideful of his deduction abilities after all and he's actually quite famous for solving multiple big crimes that got a lot of attention (like scandals and stuff)

(that's why he's so bummed out when ranpo defeats him too)

karl lingered outside his mansion before poe took him in; poe realised he was injured and took him to a vet; they bonded over that and karl just stayed bc poe got him food and was comfortable to sit on

always has candy for ranpo everywhere despite not being a big fan of candy

deals with dissociation and intrusive thoughts; has problems with idealization of people (see ranpo)

has been dealing with some sort of substance addiction in his time between his duel with ranpo and his revenge part

has issues with chronic pain bc of that as well

has a raccoon plushie for karl for when he's gone

loves writing with an actual quill but has been made fun of

has some odd knowledge about the human body that might or might not be concerning

hates swimming. i mean hates. loathes, in fact.

loves to rot away in bed and think while drifting in and out of consciousness (sameee)

is always cold (uses ranpo as a heater lol)

can solve basic code

loves bitter tasting things (tea, dark chocolate, strong coffee etc)

is insecure about his face + his body in general that's why he wears his hair like that and so many layers

ok now for the spoilers (if you don't want to read further than this, ty dear anon for letting me ramble about this and ty ty for reading :3)

i love the theory that an ability manifests as a kind of response to either trauma or a major change in their life, so - my theory or hc, whatever, is that poe wasn't an ability user before he met ranpo. obviously the first time they meet ranpo doesn't know about his ability and hasn't experienced it before. poe seems to find confidence in his ability and i think he'd have mentioned it before if he'd met ranpo in a setting that would also be in relation (in terms of mysteries and stuff) to it

i'm very sure or i'd like to think poe manifested his ability as a way of escapism but also as a way of determination (drawing people into his story i mean, you can't get further in being a successful detective writer than this ability yk)

also poe was a detective before they met, i'd guess he still wrote stuff but he switched almost completely once he was defeated by ranpo and barely solved any crimes anymore (maybe only over text or sth idk)

all this results ofc in a feeling of inferiority in poe who before ranpo came along was probably quite prideful - which leads me to believe he thinks of ranpo as a rival that has corrupted his mind but also as someone he is thankful for, which makes all of this wayyyy more complicated than it seems on the surface

poe thinks he's tied to ranpo and therefore cannot say no to him or pretend for long enough that he doesn't care; he actively puts himself in situations he doesn't like bc of ranpo and helps him when he really doesn't have to - he could just walk away. but he doesn't

he also exclusively uses his ability for or against ranpo, we've not seen him use it outside of it and tbh i don't think he's ever used it otherwise (except when it manifested, tho i don't know how it could've manifested tbh. like how do you find sth like this out?)

in my fic henry (his brother) knows at least a fraction of all this and asks for poe to get himself something unrelated to ranpo, which he does, which is why i think poe is also an artist, tho less skilled than in his writing but he finds fun in it

he keeps it a secret from ranpo (he will eventually open up tho)

yea. i think that's it for now, ty again anon and ty for everyone reading so far, i hope i'll not disappoint in putting this into the fic :D

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

intermezzo

circling the lives of two brothers who have just lost their father, intermezzo spoke to my heart.

(just to start, the lack of quotations doesnt bother me at all. in fact, when i read my first rooney book, normal people, the lack of them did not even phase me. it was only after seeing multiple people being offended on the internet i realised that it was such a big controversy.)

the joycean writing style appealed to me and the stream of conscious thoughts made it feel like i was reading the characters journal.

when i started the book i was certain that i would relate to ivan, the younger brother, the chess prodigy. mostly because of his personality (not brilliance). shy, reserved, and an awkward conversationalist. i saw myself reflected in the way ivan carried himself. a lil too familiar with being afraid to exist in the moment and claiming space for yourself. struggling with his falling rank in chess and wanting to succeed, ivan soon finds peace and love with a women twice his age. a person who understands him better than most.

you have all these dreams that you're going to keep getting better and better. and then in reality you just start getting worse, and you don't even understand why.

but as the story progressed, i saw peters perspective more clearly. as the elder sibling he felt compelled to check up on ivan. to talk to him after the death of their father. despite struggling with his own issues regarding mental health and love life, peter still makes the effort to give space in his life to his family. an unreciprocated action.

peters seemingly posh life is disturbed by his ongoing indecisiveness. actually, that may not be the right term, he wasn't entirely indecisive. he knew he was in love with both the women in his life. sylvia, his college sweetheart, and naomi, the twentysomething college student. starting with a sexual connection in exchange for money and material possessions, their relationship grows to be more domestic and emotionally charged. meanwhile, peter is still in love with his ex, sylvia. they don't want him to choose. eventually, they arrive at an understanding. a poly situation thatleaves peter with residing guilt.

after i finished the book, three interactions stuck with me

peter and sylvias arguement: still best friends after their breakup, they have grown to find comfort with each other. when peter tries to make a move, they get into a fight where sylvia opens up about the changes in her life following her accident. it left her with chronic pain. they talk about how sex is not a part of her life anymore and they cannot regress to the way things were. sylvias vulnerability and peters longing lead to the crux of their current relationship, i just want you to remember me the way i was.

his life in danger of becoming tolerable for a minute, why not go out of his way to aggrieve and distress the only person who could put up with him

sylvia and ivans conversation about the hat problem: the puzzle made me think and question language and truth. there isn't much to say except that even if youre not going to read the entire book, find a copy and read this excerpt.

language doesn't fit into reality like a toy fitting into a slot. reality is actually one thing and language something else

peter and ivans fight: most sibling dynamics are chaotic and disturbed. peter and ivan showcase this when they start talking about their dad and how their relationship has evolved since they were children. ivan, who once used to idolize peter, is now resentful and feels overshadowed. peter, the elder sibling who always had to shoulder the burden of parenting everyone in his family without appreciation, is burnt out. their conversation leads to a physical altercation, common sibling behavior.

i related to peter so much because

when things get difficult, you're gone. you're out of the room. and that's alright, i don't expect anything else. maybe with dad i did, but i learnt my lesson. he didn't want me to be his son, he wanted me to be his protector. and yours. so that's what i was. all my life, i was looking out for the both of you. and neither of you ever even had the decency to say thanks

there are more nuanced and complicated themes that occur throughout the plot. grief, resent, remorse, self doubt, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, re-sheltering a dog, polygamy, absent parents.

i would love to illustrate more on this, however i just wanted to talk about peter and his struggle with existing on a day to day basis. unable to make decisions that don't harm the people around him. wanting to be a part of the family but not knowing how to without making a mess or feeling like more is owed. wanting someone to appreciate the efforts you put in. dealing with failure and grief. wanting to be a better person. wanting to make the right choice. wanting to feel safe and loved. wanting. and failing.

this is not a book review btw, just me telling u my favorite quotes and thoughts

[trickstarbrave]

.

I feel like other adopted kids and foster kids constantly long for their bio families whenever I see them talking abt their struggles online. And I guess maybe it’s bc I wasn’t directly adopted but became a ward of the state but was basically always raised by my grandparents (who I am not biologically related to, my mom is adopted)

Past a certain age I never really missed my dad. I am completely over it. I used to get sad but I think I mostly wanted a father to feel normal and have all those “father daughter bonding moments” described by other ppl. I have my grandpa who I often call dad bc he’s the only father figure I’ve had, and I think that’s more than enough. I guess I also missed my dad himself but I’ve forgotten most of the memories ZTFXVXGJBJB

My mom talking abt getting in touch w her bio parents and I do not know how to tell her I don’t rly WANT to meet them bc they’re strangers. I have never at once felt like my grandparents weren’t my real family. My uncle is like my older brother, and tbh my grandparents have been more my parents than my mom ever rly was (not entirely her fault she is deeply mentally unwell and had substance abuse problems, but fails to recognize that was why she lost custody of me and was never really a full parental figure). My mom has even said I’m “the kid they actually wanted to adopt” instead of her and yeah that was. Weird to hear. But I guess that cements we simultaneously have a sibling body and mother and child bond with the sibling one being being strong since she views me as the spoiled youngest sibling. I don’t think I’m necessarily spoiled for that reason I think it was more so bc my mom had serious psychological issues that were effecting me and I nearly died multiple times as a baby and continued to be sick the rest of my life. Then again my mom was also disabled as a baby. I don’t know if I can trust her judgement that she was not spoiled considering her parents have bailed her out hundreds of times and made excuses for her to my uncle and I. So

Anyways that was a tangent this family is my real family. I don’t wanna blend with my dad’s and not just bc his mom is crazy and I don’t wanna meet my mom’s bio family but I guess I will if she really wants me to. Doesn’t mean I need to have a relationship w them. But I don’t really have any desire to. Maybe that’s also the autism or mental illness for me idk

I’m really afraid to like, say it around other ppl who grew up not w their bio family bc idk I’m afraid I’ll get accused as ungrateful or trying to trample on their feelings. Or that I am actually a freak and no one else feels like how I do bc my situation is so weird and convoluted or that I don’t “count” and “wouldn’t get it” bc my bio mom WAS still technically around

On a side note oh my GOD I just realized in grade school when they asked me to meet a woman in the office and she asked me a bunch of questions abt my problems at home that was a social worker. I was being interviewed by a social worker. I think I was actually being interviewed bc I missed a lot of school, came to school w random bruises and scrapes, was underweight, and didn’t react much when getting hurt. None of those were from abuse or neglect tho I was just chronically ill so I missed school and had trouble putting on weight, have a weirdly high pain tolerance, and had poor spacial awareness so I often bumped into things or fell down (I think i still do actually). I literally had no clue until now when I remembered that while writing this post VHCGUVFCHVVHVHBJ HELP

[strangel000p]

*Screaming into the void*

I saw a US doctor today for treatment of chronic physical health issues. I couldn't see my PCP because even though Medicaid (which I am poor enough to qualify for) requires a PCP visit within 60 days of receiving coverage, my PCP is booked solid for more than 2 months out.

The good news first: This was the greatest amount of time I have ever had the full attention of a US physician on a single visit! She was in the room with me asking for context and history surrounding my physical health issues, and addressed my behavioral health history and treatment as well. I got a full 20 minutes of face-to-face in-person interaction with a Dr. (not PA, not Intern, not NP), for the first time in my life.

The bad news: I earned this truly medically beneficial experience by showing up with blood pressure high enough to warrant multiple re-tests of my BP and also an EKG, while my reported reason for visit was chronic pain, injury related pain, and involuntary muscle movements. If my BP had been normal, or even just elevated, this visit would have been a quick in-out like most. My BP was nearly in the range of what is considered "hypertensive crisis" which requires immediate medical attention. 168/120

I have had high blood pressure readings at every doctor visit since my mid 20's. I'm 34 now, and after being written off year after year as having "white coat hypertension", generalized anxiety, and being considered "borderline" for high blood pressure (you're too young for medication intervention), I was finally unhealthy enough to get taken seriously.

I left the visit with a lot of faith in the doctor that treated me, for doing the necessary work to get my health history, circumstances of my life, and a broader understanding of what is going on with me. I did not leave with a prescription for blood pressure medication. I was told to improve diet and increase exercise, no alcohol, limit salt, no smoking (I don't). Monitor your BP at home with a cuff (tonight's reading was 160/106) and bring data to your next visit and we can maybe treat the condition that had us (the medical practice) most concerned.

I got a referral for 2 different forms of physical therapy, and an X-ray of my cervical spine. She cautioned to avoid using NSAID painkillers due to a risk of worsening my gastrointestinal issues, and didn't prescribe anything to manage the pain I booked the visit for, which is usual in my experience receiving US healthcare.

I can go on and on, and probably would if I wasn't getting tired, but in addition to trying to monitor and control my blood pressure, manage my IBD and pelvic floor dysfunction, and behavioral health conditions, I need to find providers that my insurance will cover for physical therapy visits and doctor appointments. I need to find employment, to pay for my healthcare expenses, assuming I'm healthy enough to work. If I work full-time or make more than $13/hr, I will make too much money to qualify for Medicaid.

It feels like quicksand. I might actually die of a heart attack if I can't solve all of these issues on my own. There is no social safety net in the US.

*yes, I probably do have "white coat hypertension" and it is a real thing for people with behavioral health issues like anxiety. I have also gone to a hospital for help with acute pain and been told "there's nothing wrong with you, here's your ER bill" as well as being taken to a hospital only to have my clothes forcibly stripped by 6 police/security officers when asked to change into a gown.

**Yes, a full-time job can and often does provide healthcare benefits and coverage, but that assumes I am able to make it through the 90-day period of being a new-hire without benefits, without missing work, even for health related issues. Absenteeism is a death sentence in employment, even when you do take time off to manage your health with unpaid time off or call-ins.

***I am without a college degree, and right now a majority of the vacancies in the US workforce are labor intensive or have labor demands (standing the whole shift, ability to lift repeatedly or bend and twist). Without a degree, I have yet to attain an interview for any job that offers you a seat and a computer/desk. My pain issues and hypertension have narrowed my job search focus to jobs of this kind, I'll post again if I find a role, but don't hold your breath.

*All attempts to escape poverty will be punished with withdrawal of support systems* It’s the American way.

[royalwhumpness]

I've come to a realization. When people, including myself, use the phrase, "I'm too old now" to pass up on opportunities, it doesn't mean just one thing. It doesn't just mean too old or too broken. "I'm too old." is an often overlooked excuse to not do something and usually there's a deeper meaning behind it.

I've realized I use it because now I'm in too much debt to enjoy a spending spree or to enjoy an activity that would cost a lot of money. I've graduated college, I work, now my life revolves around juggling work and home life and home life can't be as expensive as it used to be.

I use the phrase because in society's standards I'm not young anymore. I'm 31 years old now and people who are 21-27 get to enjoy certain things without being judged for their age. I get "oh wow, you're old" from people only 10 years younger than me. It's pretty debilitating emotionally, especially when you see your identity phasing out of the world. All the references, songs, movies, actors, general interests, everything I've enjoyed as a youth to young adult is slowly being pushed aside and referred to as "classic". Speaking with people now-a-days is like playing catch-up; especially if you don't use common social media platforms, which I don't.

Saying, "I'm too old now." also encompasses a fear of rejection. Thoughts like, "Nobody will expect me to do anything like that now at my age." "I will be judged." "That activity is for young people." plague my mind and those thoughts are heartbreaking. I'm not that much older than most young adults, but the age difference to a younger individual is much larger than how you see it in your 30s. I don't FEEL old, I still feel very young! But I do notice that now I only seem to really click with people my own age based on what I mentioned already: being able to relate. Relating to 20 somethings is difficult for me, so it's harder to want to be involved.

Another reason someone might say, "I'm too old now." is because it's hard to navigate the world freely when you've settled. Whether it's being settled in relationships, jobs, house, location, financial situation, friendships, etc. Settling can make people feel stuck, unable to adventure, unable to feel like they can live their lives as openly as a young adult can. Partnerships can keep people from a social life. Having a house can be a big commitment monetarily, keeping people settled and frugal with money which limits what they do for fun. Money in general is a huge factor as you get older if you're not careful with it while you're young. Money troubles force people to settle.

And lastly, a very common reason someone might say, "I'm too old now" is because the body breaks down, and while 30 isn't "old", my body has broken down so much in just a few short years. I have chronic back pain now that has landed me in the ER multiple times, and now I can't lift heavy objects or be as athletic. PCOS affects my weight 10x more now than it did when I was in my 20s. My metabolism is shot from my youth when I had an eating disorder trying to get and stay skinny. My mental health is an every day battle more so than when it was when I was younger. Having more life experiences can be draining, especially for people dealing with health or mental health issues. You experience more grief as you get older which is fucking hell. Life experiences affect your body and your health, so being broken down by 30 is common, but it's so ignored that people don't even think about it. I wish someone would have told me just exactly how the body would break down by this age, I might have taken better care of myself.

Now I know that this post is the more negative sides of getting old, but that's because the original idea behind this post was hopefully getting everybody to keep in mind all of the possible reasons behind someone telling you they're "too old" to do something even if they're just in their late 20's or in their 30's, 40's, whatever. Maybe instead of brushing aside the individual, talk to them, or listen to them.

[ledenews]

Dr. Srinivasan Addressing Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy on River Talk

The very first line of his biography on the Trinity Health System website states: Dr. (Suresh) Srinivasan’s practice philosophy is to blend medical innovation, evidence-based medicine and compassion to meet each patient’s individual goals.  And go figure, here he goes again. Srinivasan is trained for general surgery, anesthesiology, and interventional pain medicine, and his position with Trinity is in the Pain Medicine Department. The topic for his radio appearance will be Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy, and the interview will be available on River Talk at 4 p.m. on 100.1 and 100.9FN and on AM1290 and AM1430. "I'm really looking forward to the time on air because we always get good information out to the listeners. We change the topics each time, and we've received great feedback," the physician said. "Now this topic is an important one because we have so many cases in this region. That's why I have taken a good look at this condition and the best ways we can relieve that pain. "Diabetes can cause a lot of issues with the human body, especially if it is untreated," Srinivasan explained. "But there are ways to treat the pain and maybe even improve the condition." Srinivasan appeared on River Talk several times in 2023 to offer his insights and perspectives concerning chronic pain and opiate addiction. He has identified several different ways for those who are recovering from addiction to continue experiencing pain relief from past injuries and afflictions. "It is very unfortunate so many have become addicted because of the pain they experience every day, but when they have moved away from those opiates successfully, there are other options," he insisted. "I work with patients every day who are now in recovery and are working with different methods of pain relief. Living with pain every day is very difficult when it comes to working and when it comes to good mental health. "We make mistakes by taking our mental health for granted," Srinivasan said. "That's why I continue my research every day and go on the radio as often as I can." The main campus of Trinity Health Systems in Steubenville. What is Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy?  Diabetic neuropathy refers to nerve damage caused by diabetes. Diabetic peripheral neuropathy is a prevalent complication, manifesting as pain with symptoms like numbness, burning, or tingling. The World Health Organization estimates 422 million adults worldwide have diabetes, with 29.7 million in the USA alone, resulting in a global prevalence of 8.5%. Diabetes can lead to systemic damage, significantly impacting health-related quality of life and potentially posing life-threatening risks. Roughly 20% of diabetes patients develop painful diabetic neuropathy (PDN), a progressive and potentially debilitating chronic neuropathic pain condition.   Treatment of Painful Diabetic Neuropathy (PDN)?  Current PDN treatments involve neuropathic pain medications, such as gabapentinoids, serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, tricyclic antidepressants, opioids, and topical solutions. High-quality randomized clinical trials (RCTs) show limited efficacy and a high incidence of adverse effects with these medications. Although gabapentin and pregabalin are commonly prescribed, long-term adherence can be poor, with over 60% of patients discontinuing within six months.  What is New? Take a step forward in how we treat chronic diabetic nerve pain. The FDA has approved a breakthrough SCS treatment option for PDN patients struggling with debilitating pain and finding no relief with currently available pharmacologic options. Multiple level 1 high-quality randomized controlled studies demonstrate the effectiveness of spinal cord stimulation in treating patients with PDN.  Hospital officials and other officials break ground at the site of Trinity Health System's St. Clairsville Neighborhood Hospital. What is Spinal Cord Stimulation?  Spinal cord stimulation, akin to a pacemaker for diabetic neuropathy pain, consists of a small pulse generator implanted under the skin and two wire leads placed near specific nerves along the spine. Working together, they block nerve pain. While this technology has been used for decades to treat back and leg pain, its efficacy in treating diabetic neuropathy of the feet has been studied more recently. SCS involves a minimally invasive implant procedure that lets you go home the very same day Read the full article

[glitchbirds]

tmi/transitioning related things (mostly centered around surgery in this specific post), mildly nsfw at points. also this is very long

ok why do i find it easier to talk about these things on here, a public account where strangers and vague acquaintances follow me, than on my private twitter where only friends (mostly v close ones) follow me. idk. it just feels less embarrassing (IE: humiliating) if i picture the intended audience as more neutral/mixed and not consisting of multiple people who have met me in person and/or who have known me since middle/high school

also this is very rambly and maybe not coherent. apologies. this has been swirling in the back of my head since last night and im just throwing it into text post form and proceeding to pretend to forget it exists.

i feel like for most of my life i was extremely ambivalent about top/bottom surgery personally because i had such a detached sense of self (let alone attachment to my physical body) that i just didnt care. and as i got older i at least reached a point of like, ok, top surgery is definitely in the cards because i dont like my chest and its more of an inconvenience than anything, but i never really thought of it as like, overtly dysphoria-inducing to have breasts? my main issue was (and still is) always just how other people view their presence on my body. ive tried wearing a binder a grand total of two times, but it was uncomfortable (esp since i am Fat) and just drew my attention MORE to their presence. and this year it finally hit me that a lot of my current issues w/ my chest are resolved if i just… dont wear bras anymore. because just like a binder, bras mean im constantly thinking about the pressure on my chest. so i dont and im significantly better off for it, even though i Am constantly worried by the possibility of people staring. like. i have a big chest unfortunately and (sorry) the nipples are constantly making their presence known. but like. even when i wore bras the nipples constantly showed and i hated THAT too but at least now i dont think about them as much when im in public unless im speaking to someone directly, but then i can at least cross my arms or something.

ftr. the knowledge that just Deleting The Nipples Outright is even an Option with top surgery was a game changer and ive been set on that for years. i honestly think if you forced me to chose between removing the breasts and keeping the nipples, or removing the nipples and keeping the breasts, id have to think about it for a long time before deciding, because i think the latter option would solve way more of my remaining dysphoria than the former. having a chest does not bother me tremendously because again I Am Fat and fat cis men can have large chests too, so it doesnt feel like it automatically makes me read as A Woman to strangers... just in combination with other factors.

(in the end i would probably settle on top surgery and keeping the nipples if i HAD to, if only because i suspect the breasts to have some connection to chronic pain, but it wouldnt be ideal for me. i want these bitches gone.)

as for bottom surgery… WELL. no one on this god damn website(or twt) likes talking about bottom surgery seriously, or at least no one i know, which is unfortunate because it makes me feel like im alone here in caring about it in any capacity. i feel like a lot of my transmasc/trans guy friends only want(ed) top surgery and dont care about bottom surgery, which is absolutely fine and i support that and love that, but it does make it feel very difficult to even acknowledge the possibility that i might want it for myself because its like theres no precedent. (and ofc theres also the possibility that out of my friends there are others who are in the same boat as me and just dont want to talk about it publicly, which. Very Fair because clearly i am also having issues just Talking About It.)

ive also gone back and forth over wanting it for years, and then back and forth about what Kind i’d want, though ive learned over time that phallo is preferred for fat transmasc ppl and its probably what i would lean more towards getting for myself regardless of that. though the fact that its more expensive/can have more complications/requires more surgical procedures and longer recovery time, Does Scare Me A Bit, and that circles back into the aforementioned "i feel like a freak talking about this at all in the first place" feeling... like i dont even know how to talk about having these concerns in the first place because i feel like nearly everyone i know has simply decided to not bother with this and will somehow judge me for wanting it for myself. even though im aware thats nonsense. idk. just the fact that its literally Dick Surgery combined with my usual aggressively high levels of self-isolation = This Is The Most Humiliating Topic In The World To Me. how dare i acknowledge to others that i possess genitalia or that i may wish to alter them in some fashion to feel more comfortable. i feel like if i DID go through w/ getting phallo i would just go radio silent online throughout the whole process for months on end because id be too nervous to even acknowledge its happening.

which, in general is also something i wish i could fix in myself. :/ i have spent the majority of my life becoming more and more private and for the most part i dont think thats a bad thing but it unfortunately is/was combined with a lot of repression and trauma and im just barely beginning to fully untangle some of that and now im in a place where i dont WANT to be as reticent as i am but it feels impossible to really stop; and/or i feel like people ive known for years will be shocked and appalled if i suddenly acknowledge the fact that i am a human being capable of carnal thought. like, man, fucking look at the way im talking about this and dancing around the subjects. look at it. i am twenty five years old. i am a mess.

i think my other major concern w/ phallo that i didnt already note above is connected to this- i dont mind the idea of having skin graft scars, but i DO mind the possibility of someone looking at a scar on my arm and being able to tell. you know? like idk, someone knowing im trans and seeing that scar and suddenly Knowing the state of my genitalia without me even acknowledging it. which is probably. me being extremely paranoid for no good reason, because phallo isnt the only procedure in the world that requires skin grafts, most people in the world are not super well versed in Transmasc Surgery details, i could chose less obvious sites for skin grafts like the thigh, etc. but the thought just makes me deeply uncomfortable. though not AS uncomfortable as it used to make me? testosterone has done a LOT for me the past few months to make some of these things matter less to me and get me over some of these hangups i have had for the majority of my life and i am deeply deeply grateful for that. like i can guarantee i would not be making this post if i was not on T because i would just be too freaked out by the vague possibility of anyone actually reading this fucking Manifesto im crafting here.

idkkkk. it wouldnt be the end of the world if i decide against getting bottom surgery in the near-ish future- or ever- but like. GRIMACING ok let me rip THIS bandaid off, i have never in my entire life been comfortable with penetration . it is either uncomfortable or outright painful. i suspect i have vaginismus or something similar, and i know there are treatments for that and i could eventually reach a point where i Am comfortable with it, but frankly i do not Care. while there are times where i may wish that this was not a problem i have, i am mostly content with allowing a significant portion of my equipment to remain in relative disuse.

so like. idk. frankly it would probably be better for me to go through the whole process of bottom surgery so i actually have Fully Functional Genitals for the first time ever. ftr even typing that sentence makes me want to die i am like at war with myself and my own prudishness even when i am as vague as possible. i am also cutting out a LOT of other details rn because i would probably just keel over from a heart attack if i Did include them.

Ok Well. i have talked for like 1500 words about my problems disorders and publicly humiliated myself enough for one day. if youve read through this whole thing you have nothing but my apologies. and also my gratitude. but mostly the apologies.

[ketchup-monthly]

Sanders Sides D&D 2

Ooh fresh take: Jan is virge’s patron and that’s why there’s beef

Also: Jan is some sort of fae related being

Jan: i need you to do something for me Virgil: no Janus: that's not how this works!! Virgil: watch me :P

Okay so I was thinking of Patton as a cleric cuz ooh healer however, Patton as a Druid makes me so happy

I want logan to have Rage

(Also that could tie nicely in an arc about Logan learning to accept feelings)

but barbarian logan is going to be a scholar again and is gonna be smort

bc hes logan. he cant be not smart

Oh I figured he’d be the bbeg that eventually joins the party (hurt/comfort baybee!)(Remus)

he was the bbeg but then joined the party as a bardbarian or just a bard

plus, actual bard who accidentally casts vicious mockery instead of bardic inspiration

Side note: please include a scene where Remus attempts to seduce the dragon

also with this second au, i can start them at like level 5 so people can multiclass

Pat as cleric/druid

gasp logan as artificer/barbarian

janus sorcerer/rogue

because basically everything but alchemist would work well with barbarian, but alchemist feels very Logan

bc mad scientist being actually mad

alchemist logan making an experimental potion and going "here im not sure what this does but im sure its fine! someone drink it"

Remus does it voluntarily, but Logan usually tries to get Roman to drink it

Virgil will occasionally drink it when he's on his last legs and is just like.....100% done with the party

remus as a wild magic path barbarian and just fucking teleporting or doing something equally ridiculous whenever he rages

Oh my god Remus with rage would be a force to be reckoned with

You gotta describe the first time he goes into a rage really dramatically

obviously virgil is trying to "escape" his patron, Janus (really just do whatever he says to not do out of spite)

Eldritch knight roman

Feywild warlock virgil

hey so in the second d&d au, should roman and remus be actual full siblings but like remus went darkside and like romans just trying to get back at him for putting a dark stain on the family name

hey hey hey what about warforged Logan? (essentially a robot)(so like "i dont feel anything" becoming real)

okay hear me out. elf roman and elf base simic hybrid remus. so like maybe the reason remus went darkside was experimentation? so like. hes elf but special

FALLEN AASIMAR VIRGIL

virgil just transforming in the middle of a combat scenario and like his eyes turn into black pits and flightless skeletal wings appear on his back and like everyone near him has to make a charisma check and like he deals extra necrotic damage

Pat is the one human stuck in a band of misfits

so with it, roman would be a full elf, and remus would be an elf that has tentacles bc octopus

So robot logan

i meant literally he doesnt feel anything

like he has all the emotions, but he doesnt physically feel the need to like eat or sleep or stuff like that

he just.....he pretend he don't have the feelings.....but he do.....he feel so much and he hides it all in his littol mechanical heart <3

plus......if he warforged, then like.....AC huge

he stands in front of friends.....he protecc...."no, i don't have feelings, i am physically incapable of affection" but he do!! he do! he take hits for them because he do!! he care so much

Bro he spouts all this and then he uses a reaction to dive in front of someone and everyone’s just like oh

LIKE ROMAN STILL BEING MEAN TO LO BC HE THINKS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A HEART BUT HE DOES

hey hey everyone needs to grow

and logan standing up for himself and other people stepping in and saying no stop thats not right

plus if canon wont give me roman facing the consequences of his actions towards Logan......

but also Roman learning how to properly handle his own emotions and how he interacts with others

logan who doesn't view himself as anything more than a machine to be useful to others

the party giving logan love and affection until he slowly learns his own worth as a person

Roman and Logan not getting along (maybe Roman has a Lore reason to distrust Warforged, maybe not) and slowly learning to trust each other

when Logan is feeling real down or having some issue, Roman actually comes through to help him, showing how far both characters have come

Okay yes but also can we please give Roman more confidence than canon? Like I’m sooooo sick of low self esteem being played for laughs or just being really really sad

this boy is going on a mission and will slap his brother upside the head and tell him to shut tf up remus youre not a monster just come back home and he will do it alone if need be

OKAY SO WHAT IF HE ORIGINALLY WENT ON THE QUEST JUST TO STOP REMUS ONCE AND FOR ALL BC ROMAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER, BUT ALONG THE WAY, AND AFTER LOGAN, HE CAME TO REALIZE THAT NO, JUST BECAUSE REMUS (AND LOGAN) ARE DIFFERENT, THEY ARENT MONSTERS, JUST DIFFERENT

AND LIKE IN THE FINAL PUSH TO MAKE REMUS JOIN BACK WITH HIS BROTHER, ROMAN IS PROJECTING HIS OWN FEELINGS ONTO REMUS AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WOW BRO YOU GOOD THERE, BUT ITS A BIG MOMENT FOR LOGAN, ROMAN, AND REMUS

im unsure as to how, but it happened when he was an older teen/young adult. a simic scientist either picked him (read: kidnapped), or remus volunteered (potentially to escape court life, unaware what exactly the experiment was going to do to him physically

bc also, remus and roman are royalty

so like. how best to get at the nobes/royalty/rich famous people than by turning their kid into a monster

wait, wait, wait, because i'm lowkey a sucker for this trope, but i'm not sure if it fits Remus: the experiments left him with some fairly significant physical pain/uncontrolled magical reactions. through some combo of trying to deal with that and trying find a cure for his pain, he keeps like....absolutely wrecking random towns on accident but also deliberately wrecking certain places looking for either a) vengeance on the guy(s) responsible or b) someone who can make the pain stop

SO LIKE. WILD MAGIC BARBARIAN DOING WEIRD SHIT TO HIM WHENEVER HE RAGES

AND LOGAN COULD MAYBE HELP WITH THE PAIN AND SHIT

BC ALCHEMY

Yknow, for simplification purposes, we could say the True Bbeg just gave Remus lycanthropy and Remus hasn’t managed to control it yet

lycanthropy but simic shit?

Mr. I-Don't-Have-Feelings sees the poor dude in pain and also Roman in emotional pain from seeing his brother in pain and is absolutely like "i must resolve this like right now, immediately" because he definitely doesn't hate seeing his friend suffering, or his friend's brother whom he's just met

he definitely doesn't relate at all to the idea of someone else shaping your body and absolutely does not sympathize with Remus's plight

i was thinking the grappling thing and either manta glide or the ability to breathe underwater for the simic stuff, but like he doesnt have control over the tentacles yet?

Manta glide seems like we could have fun battle scenes

he just jumps off a cliff to avoid mushy talk/dealing with his actions/roman

Roman: Remus just because you're a monster and though i wish i was an only child-- Remus, jumping off a cliff: byyeeeeee Patton: Roman, look what you did! Virgil: dammit jan what did you do? Janus: why do you think i had anything to do with that? im a fae, not a genie Logan, thinking: what an asshole. i wish i could do that

oh my god Logan always being tired mentally bc he cant sleep

Oh my gosh I love that. So Remus got kidnapped super young, (from royal family) they never found him, as a result Roman had to grow up super fast (side effect: lowkey inconsiderate and forgets to ask for others input). Meanwhile, Remus was experimented on by True Bbeg and came out with some trauma and super cool additives

yep! chronic pain and ptsd and all sorts of other shit!

so like, simic hybrids are usually created when they're adults. but what if the true bbeg decided to go younger to see what would happen, and thats why remus has chronic pain and stuff

he was still growing when his genes were spliced, so hes dealing with growth plates shifting and his body maturing and puberty and body changes and stuff

Pat is going to have a lighthearted story. Im saying that now. Hes the one without all the baggage

Sure, but his parents have to lowkey be the really kind people who are surprisingly always down for violence

everyone: multiple crises Pat: y'all need help Pat: love and affection in spades for his little band of misfits

Patton (which I think would be pretty simple, honestly he might just see danger and jump in and suddenly everyone in the party has Feelings)

Logan

Mhm. So how did he grow up? Was he just poof created? Wait

What if he was created by the king?

To make up for remuss disappearance

wait, wait....angst......he was created to fight (hence the barbarian stuff) but alchemy is his real passion

wait so like. a second son???

hes there to replace remus?

Yea! (But like in a sympathetic grief way) But that causes a bit of a complex in Roman and ergo Roman and Logan have a bit of a beef

okay so like. hes there to be a companion for roman, and like take remus' place, even though hes not actually in line for the throne?

LOGAN AS A KNIGHT

and just......the conflict of being created for a specific purpose (plus being, you know, robot and technically incapable of deviated from said purpose) vs the fact that he actually does have independent consciousness and like....wants to live life for himself

the parents made Logan a barbarian in hopes that him and Roman would be safe

okay. so logan was created by the king with the sole purpose to take remus' place as romans brother/companion, and to be his like guard? protector? and fight, but logan wants to be an alchemist and study shit

wait, wait, wait.....thinks about Asimov's Laws

he.....his first operative is protect (specifically protect Roman)

oh man. so hes literally just a shield

his second level operative is just like.....care for Roman's emotional well-being, but he doesn't really know emotions because he was kinda just spawned and nobody told him how

and he just....kind of....lets Roman treat him like garbage and take all his grief out on him because he's staunchly in denial of both having feelings or knowing how they work

Anyway Yea so Logan created by royal family in place of Remus which created angst between the two “brothers” and identity issues in Logan. Their arcs are learning how to healthily process emotions plus Roman apology and Logan commits to alchemy

So big question: why did virge make a deal?

Tricked

he gave janus his name

and instead of janus like killing him or whatever the fae do to people who break the rules of dealing with the fae, jan was like. hey. i'll give you magic, but do what i say

Janus is lawful neutral, but leans towards being selfish

hes self serving, but he has a strong set of morals and rules he follows

Tho I want to Virgil to also not be pushover so let’s say loophole happened and Jan has to stay with virge (hence why Jan is a part of the party)

okay so a couple of the rules are dont give a fae your true name and don't try to figure out their true name

So

what if virgil accidentally gave up part of his true name, and got stuck in the deal, but then figured out janus' true name

so in the same vein that janus had control over virgil, virgil now has more control over janus

he still gets his magic from janus, so he cant break free completely, but virgil has more freedom and can occasionally tell janus what to do or when to shove it

there should a running gag where virge can explain how he learned Jan’s true name but Jan can make something loudly censor him every time

(he learned his name bc once he heard janus practicing his evil genius voice and talking to himself in the mirror and janus said his true name)

so maybe janus sent virgil on the quest to protect a town or stop something related to remus, but virgil dragged him along

he might just be trying to protect a town thats close to a ley line, or something fae-related, and they just happen upon the whole thing

janus is selfish. but lawful vs chaotic is where he comes through, in morals vs doing whatever. janus has a strong set of loyalties to the fae, and to himself

so like....Remus is just too close to Jan's stuff and he wants to take him down

Virgil is just like....exhausted and said "fine, but if i gotta do this, you're coming, too"

or at least figure out a way to protect his place, even if it doesnt mean fully taking out remus. just moving him would work for jan

Janus: virgilllllllllll hes going to mess up my magic storage locker Virgil: Jan, its empty Janus: but its mine

Yea. Remus attacks a city away from the fae: Jan: Yknow I’m gonna sit this one out Virge: oh no you don’t, get up

Or

Janus vs Janice

so his real name is Janus, but Virgil calls him Janice

Virgil: This is Janice Janice: with a “U-S” Virgil: mhm, sure Jan

I'm a big fan of just like any of the old theory name being various aliases for Jan

Damien, Dante, Ethan, Declan, etc, etc

[linastudyblrsblog]

Burnout, unfortunately, is everywhere. If you haven’t experienced it personally, you probably know someone who has self-diagnosed.

 Defined by the World Health Organization as a syndrome “conceptualized as resulted from chronic workplace stress,” it causes exhaustion, “feelings of negativism or cynicism,” and reduced efficacy. That’s a big umbrella, and the condition has become something of a catch-all for chronic, modern-day stress. 

Here are 11 of our favorites to help you create your own escape plan:

1. Figure out which kind of burnout you have.

The Association for Psychological Science found that burnout comes in three different types, and each one needs a different solution:

1. Overload: The frenetic employee who works toward success until exhaustion, is most closely related to emotional venting. These individuals might try to cope with their stress by complaining about the organizational hierarchy at work, feeling as though it imposes limits on their goals and ambitions. That coping strategy, unsurprisingly, seems to lead to a stress overload and a tendency to throw in the towel.

2. Lack of Development: Most closely associated with an avoidance coping strategy. These under-challenged workers tend to manage stress by distancing themselves from work, a strategy that leads to depersonalization and cynicism — a harbinger for burning out and packing up shop.

3. Neglect: Seems to stem from a coping strategy based on giving up in the face of stress. Even though these individuals want to achieve a certain goal, they lack the motivation to plow through barriers to get to it

2. Cut down and start saying “no.”

Every “yes” you say adds another thing on your plate and takes more energy away from you, and your creativity:

If you take on too many commitments, start saying ‘no’. If you have too many ideas, execute a few and put the rest in a folder labeled ‘backburner’. If you suffer from information overload, start blocking off downtime or focused worktime in your schedule (here are some tools that may help). Answer email at set times. Switch your phone off, or even leave it behind. The world won’t end. I promise.

3.  Give up on getting motivated.

With real burnout mode, you’re too exhausted to stay positive. So don’t:

When you’re mired in negative emotions about work, resist the urge to try to stamp them out. Instead, get a little distance — step away from your desk, focus on your breath for a few seconds — and then just feel the negativity, without trying to banish it. Then take action alongside the emotion. Usually, the negative feelings will soon dissipate. Even if they don’t, you’ll be a step closer to a meaningful achievement.

4.  Treat the disease, not the symptoms. 

For real recovery and prevention to happen, you need to find the real, deeper issue behind why you’re burnt out:

Instead of overreacting to the blip, step back from it, see it as an incident instead of an indictment, and then examine it like Sherlock Holmes looking for clues.

For example, you could ask yourself: What happened before the slip? Did I encounter a specific trigger event such as a last-minute client request? Was there an unusual circumstance such as sickness? When did I first notice the reversion in my behavior? Is some part of this routine unsustainable and if so, how could I adjust it to make it more realistic?

5.  Make downtime a daily ritual.

To help relieve pressure, schedule daily blocks of downtime to refuel your brain and well-being. It can be anything from meditation to a nap, a walk, or simply turning off the wifi for a while:

When it comes to scheduling, we will need to allocate blocks of time for deep thinking. Maybe you will carve out a 1-2 hour block on your calendar every day for taking a walk or grabbing a cup of coffee and just pondering some of those bigger things. I can even imagine a day when homes and apartments have a special switch that shuts down wi-fi and data access during dinner or at night – just to provide a temporary pause from the constant flow of status updates and other communications…

There is no better mental escape from our tech-charged world than the act of meditation. If only for 15 minutes, the ability to steer your mind away from constant stimulation is downright liberating. There are various kinds of meditation. Some forms require you to think about nothing and completely clear your mind. (This is quite hard, at least for me.) Other forms of meditation are about focusing on one specific thing – often your breath, or a mantra that you repeat in your head (or out loud) for 10-15 minutes…

If you can’t adopt meditation, you might also try clearing your mind the old fashioned way – by sleeping. The legendary energy expert and bestselling author Tony Schwartz takes a 20-minute nap every day. Even if it’s a few hours before he presents to a packed audience, he’ll take a short nap.

6.  Stop being a perfectionist; start satisficing.

Trying to maximize every task and squeeze every drop of productivity out of your creative work is a recipe for exhaustion and procrastination. Set yourself boundaries for acceptable work and stick to them:

Consistently sacrificing your health, your well being, your relationships, and your sanity for the sake of living up to impossible standards will lead to some dangerous behaviors and, ironically, a great deal of procrastination. Instead of saying, “I’ll stay up until this is done,” say, “I’ll work until X time and then I’m stopping. I may end up needing to ask for an extension or complete less than perfect work. But that’s OK. I’m worth it.” Making sleep, exercise, and downtime a regular part of your life plays an essential role in a lasting, productive creative career.

7.  Track your progress every day.

Keeping track allows you to see exactly how much is on your plate, not only day-to-day, but consistently over time:

Disappointing feedback can be painful at first – research shows that failure and losses can hurt twice as much as the pleasure of equivalent gains. But if you discover you’re off course, reliable feedback shows you by how much, and you then have the opportunity to take remedial action and to plot a new training regime or writing schedule. The temporary pain of negative feedback is nothing compared with the crushing experience of project failure. Better to discover that you’re behind and need to start writing an hour earlier each day, than to have your book contract rescinded further down the line because you’ve failed to deliver.

8.  Change location often.

Entrepreneurs or freelancers can be especially prone to burnout. Joel Runyon plays “workstation popcorn,” in which he groups tasks by location and then switches, in order to keep work manageable, provide himself frequent breaks, and spend his time efficiently:

You find yourself spending hours at your computer, dutifully “working” but getting very little done. You finish each day with the dreaded feeling that you’re behind, and that you’re only falling farther and farther behind. You’re buried below an ever-growing to-do list. There’s a feeling of dread that tomorrow is coming, and that it’s bringing with it even more work that you probably won’t be able to get ahead on.

List out everything you need to do today. Try to be as specific as you can…Next, break that list into three sections. Step 1: Go to cafe [or desk, a different table in your office, etc.] #1. Step 2: Start working on item group #1…Once you finish all the tasks in group #1, get up and move. Close your tabs, pack your bags, and physically move your butt to your next spot. If you can, walk or bike to your next stop…When you get to the next cafe [or spot], start on the next action item group, and repeat…

When you’ve completed everything on your to-do list for the day, you are done working. Relax, kick back, and live your life. Don’t take work home with you because that won’t help you get more done – it will just wear you out.

9.  Don’t overload what downtime you do get.

Vacations themselves can cause, or worsen burnout, with high-stress situations, expectations, and sleep interruption. Use it to help in recovery from burnout instead: 

Make a flexible itinerary a priority. [A] study from Radboud University found that effective vacations give you the choice and freedom to choose what you want to do. That means two things: Try to avoid structuring your vacation around an unbreakable schedule, and plan on going somewhere that has multiple options to pick from depending on the weather, your level of energy, or your budget.

10. Write yourself fan mail.

Seth Godin uses self-fan mail as a way to keep motivated instead of burning out on a project that seems far from completion:

I define non-clinical anxiety as, “experiencing failure in advance.” If you’re busy enacting a future that hasn’t happened yet, and amplifying the worst possible outcomes, it’s no wonder it’s difficult to ship that work. With disappointment, I note that our culture doesn’t have an easily found word for the opposite. For experiencing success in advance. For visualizing the best possible outcomes before they happen. Will your book get a great testimonial? Write it out. Will your talk move someone in the audience to change and to let you know about it? What did they say? Will this new product gain shelf space at the local market? Take a picture. Writing yourself fan mail in advance, and picturing the change you’ve announced you’re trying, to make is an effective way to push yourself to build something that actually generates that action.

  11. Break projects into bite-sized pieces.

Taking a task on in one entire lump can be exhausting and provide little room for rest in between. Breaking up your projects into set chunks with their own deadlines provides a much healthier, and easier, way of completing a large project:

The default take on deadlines is typically to consider them to be cumbersome and stressful. Yet, from another perspective, a deadline can be viewed as a huge benefit to any project. Without the urgency of a hard deadline pushing a project to completion, it’s easy for you, your team, or your client to lose focus. We’ve all worked on agonizing projects where the timeline just bleeds on and on, merely because the flexibility is there…

It turns out that the manner in which a task is presented to someone – or the way in which you present it to your brain – has a significant impact on how motivated you will be to take action. A study led by researcher Sean McCrea at the University of Konstanz in Germany recently found that people are much more likely to tackle a concrete task than an abstract task… It seems to me like the difference between being handed a map versus following the step-by-step instructions of a GPS device. Not everyone can read a map, but everyone can follow the directions. By breaking your project down into smaller, well-described tasks, the way forward becomes clear and it’s easy to take action.

[angelcatsiel]

I’m kinda emotional tonight and I’m thinking a lot about my physical and mental health and I’m putting this under a read more because parts of it are VERY triggering (relating to self harm, suicide and abuse) so be careful

I think maybe I’ve been too hard on myself recently. I’ve been struggling with so much guilt over my health, both physical and mental. I’ve been beating myself up over everything, thinking that I’m a burden, I’m useless, I can’t help anyone. I get too tired to complete basic household chores, and am just in too much pain. My executive dysfunction is having a huge impact on me. I get confused and make mistakes a lot. Often when I try to take initiative or do something helpful, it turns out to be the wrong thing, or I make things worse. I get so anxious about getting everything right, I’ve been having constant nightmares about making mistakes or breaking things and the people I love being disappointed in me. I had the same nightmare about this every day for a week, and I still get the nightmares often now. I feel like I brought my physical health issues on myself, with the years I spent frequently denying myself food and water and sleep for days on end, not exercising, not taking care of myself. I feel like everything is always my fault.

And I don’t know why, but tonight I’m thinking about it all and for the first time, I think I’m starting to accept just how mentally ill I was before. I was severely, extremely unwell. I tell myself that loads of people struggle with depression, and most people I know are mentally ill, and it’s not that big of a deal (and this post is in absolutely no way me saying that I had it worse than anyone else, I don’t think that at all).

But like... I tried to kill myself when I was 10. That is not normal, that’s not something most people experience. I was abused. I was bullied and insulted by someone who was supposed to keep me, a young child, safe. I was denied food, denied medication, at one point thrown down the stairs. During my late teens, for several years, I cut myself every single day. Multiple times a day, even. I cut myself at work. I cut myself in the living room when my mum nipped out of the room for two minutes to go to the bathroom. I carved the word ‘die’ into my leg in the college toilets while two of my lecturers were laughing and chatting outside the bathroom stall, and I can still see the letters, scarred into my leg forever. I wanted to die every single damn day, more than anything. I felt empty, numb, I was delusional. I became convinced for a while that my family were trying to kill me and wanted me dead. Then I became convinced that I WAS dead and my eczema was reality bleeding through and my skin rotting away. I denied myself water for 4 days until I was too dehydrated to cry, I went 6 days straight without sleep. I was hearing voices (and still do, but some of them are nice now and I can handle them better). I hit myself with a hammer. I mildly upset a stranger once by accident, and dropped a brick on my fingers to punish myself.

That’s not a mild case of depression. I was EXTREMELY sick. Looking back, I absolutely should have been hospitalised. I did everything in my power to avoid it back then because I was scared, mostly of what my parents would think. I was also terrified of losing my methods of self harm.

I now have severe anxiety, chronic pain, seizures and all sorts of health problems that, in all likelihood, were caused or at least worsened by my mental health and the way I treated myself. But it wasn’t a mild thing. It’s no wonder it had such an impact, and I realise now just how lucky I am to even be alive. The fact that I didn’t kill myself, either on purpose or by accident, is an absolute miracle.

So now I’m just trying to tell myself that whether I brought this on myself or not, whether I worsened my health during that time or not, it doesn’t matter. I still deserve help. I still deserve ways of relieving my pain, I still deserve accommodations like my walking stick, I still deserve to rest when I need to and my health problems right now are real, no matter how they developed.

I’m going to call the doctors next week and talk about my pain and everything else and see what they can do. I am sick of suffering, I’m sick of guilt, I’m sick of pushing myself too hard until I’m crying in pain and then mentally (or still occasionally physically) beating myself up for not being able to do more.

[salad-tales]

2 / 3 / 18 / 23 from the headcanon asks, if you fancy them.

[ @thoseofuswhoblossom ]

In game the cities are obviously limited in size. What part of a city that is definitely there isn’t shown in game?

Let me tell you about the Grove- yes i know, unsurprising. There is something missing in the Grove. Something very important. Living space. Anet cannot tell me Sylvari sleep outside, "on the street". There are huts and houses, but where to people retire for the night? You cannot tell me that the luminaries sleep in the honestly poor excuses of houses. I headcanon these houses as gathering spots for lessons. Unless you want to imagine there are multiple rooms!

Tell me how is someone, who canonly suffers from PTSD and is most likely in chronic physical pain, supposed to sleep without so much as a bed?

How big is the Pact in respect to other Military forces? Who supports them monetarily (they’ve had enough ressources to build Fort Trinity long before it was certain they could even take Zaithan)

Getting the leaders of all three orders to even just be in each others proximity is a feat worth noting. So persuading them to agree to put aside their differences and form an alliance has earned them quite some respect, even if no one was willing to say that out loud. A great deal of money comes from the orders themselves, but I do imagine thanks to some help behind the scenes, they have a few sponsors all around Tyria. Though after Zhaitans defeat, some of them weren't heard from again.

How old do people of various races get?

Are we talking about natural spans or magic/technology enhancements? Lucky Humans can live up to 100 years, ±a few. Now if there is magic involved, this number can be upped to about 120-130 at most. I'd guess Asura rarely need magic or tech to live that long, as It is in their natural lifespan. Given that there are lab-related accidents. However there are rumors that a handful have managed to grow even ~200 years old by various means. Charr.. uhm.. maybe.. I seriously have no idea. I would guesstimate more than a hundred years maybe two hundred to two-fifty Norn.. somewhere between Charr and Asura? Maybe a little bit older than Asura by natural means. Sylvari however.. we don't know. No one knows. Not even the pale mama tree or they themselves know. I don't want to say they cannot die by natural means because i'm still not sure I want to be running with that hc or nah but it is a possibility

Is it Autumn or does Ascalon just look like that™

I do imagine it's perma autumn, related to the whole ghost curse. There is so much magic coursing through the land, to keep the souls bound, that it even binds nature itself. Unless you break the curse, of course. Once that issue is resolved, i want to believe the seasonal cycle will slowly return.