#i went out of my way to figure out how to disable reblogs for this post instead of just trying to make it look unappealing to reblog

[asksoldieron]

SO-20: "I just… um… Words. Sometimes. You know."

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for A Little Loopy (249|20) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

Okay! I may get myself in trouble here because I have to talk about this instalment when I'm still a little messed up about someone (with the BEST intentions) correcting the language I use to talk about, uh, loosing my language. They increased my anxiety about a word I need to use sometimes to get appropriate care, to the point where I won't be able to use it to get appropriate care right now, if I have to. I'm slightly less safe going out in public alone, with one less way to catch myself if I fall, and that makes everything worse because I know it. No matter how noble the intent, that's not okay. But Tumblr is the sort of place I could get in trouble for saying it's not. Because some folks here want to file me according to their perception of just how disabled I am, and then tell me how I should be acting. I'm really not sure how that's supposed to help everyone, but some folks are convinced it will.

But, Erik's meltdown here is mine, at least as far as the words go. I went back and changed it out of spite after I wrote it, because someone induced that kinda meltdown in me, and sometimes I wanna punch people until they develop empathy. I know it won't work, but I really, really wanna. I opened the doc and said to the spouse, "Fuck it, no words at all. If they love him, they'll figure it out." But, of course, I didn't say that. I said "totally nonverbal." And there is discourse about that. My God, is there discourse!

I don't like performing my pain in an attempt to get others to treat me how I want to be treated. And how I want to be treated is please, please don't make it harder for me to find a word I can use to get people to back off and let me put myself together when I can't find hardly any words. Erik has a hard time finding words he doesn't use a lot, so that word's not likely to come out of him. I have a hard time finding words that aren't specific, so it might come out of me. But I do need to be able to use it when I'm not struggling, sometimes, or it gets harder to find. Like now.

I did go write down some of what my deal is, and how I feel, after that person politely nudged me into my place. But I didn't post it anywhere because I don't wanna tell it to the world. At least not right now. That's inviting more well-meaning people to categorize me and I have enough on my plate. Please just remember, not everyone who fails to play by the rules is dog-whistling to cause harm, or just being entitled. And you're not entitled to demand, "Prove it."

I know if Erik could say "nonverbal" someone would pop up to tell me, "no, bad writer." But I do wonder, if ya had to sit him down in the hotel room and say it to his face as he breaks down crying with no words to explain how to help him, would anyone say, "You can talk most of the time. That word is wrong for you. Pick another"? I really hope not. But, if someone said that when he was having a good day, he'd remember it. He'd still remember (at some point, heh, poor kid) when he's having a meltdown. Being scared and upset doesn't erase someone trying to take that word away from him so he can't use it ever, because he's not having a hard enough time in comparison to someone else.

It's hard for me to stick up for myself, but - oh, man - I will come for you if you hurt my boy. Please try not to. We all hurt each other without meaning sometimes, so all I can ask is that you try.

There is so much that would make this world better and more accessible for all of us. Just for example: safe, affordable housing for all, and not having to drive everywhere to get healthcare and/or food. It can't just be for the least of us, because then we hafta fight each other for the title of "least." I don't wanna. I'm real tired of it. Why isn't everyone?

[Back to Site?]

*Art Edit: My reference image is from Voodoo Child by Rogue Traders, and I think I pulled it off. I mean, if you've seen the video, I think you'll recognize it.

And if you haven't, it still makes sense. Poor Erik!

I can point out exactly where I screwed up, too, and the Glaze artifacts stick out like crazy (to my eyes, anyway). Nevertheless, Erik look like Erik, and I'm happy with his design in this style. Happier than I have been with how he looks in my art-deco-ish style! I'll have to put the HQ version in the Ko-Fi store.

[anonofseasons]

The reason the rest of Seasons went up is that I figured I'd better just do it before I lost all drive to share ever again and didn't at least complete Seasons for the remaining readers. It's the only thing I've written (outside of fandom) that has gotten much attention. It was nice, and I really appreciate that anyone would read it. But outside of that, I cannot get more than the tiniest handful of people to care about what I write, and it has been that way for years. It's discouraging, I'll be honest. My already-low confidence keeps taking beatings. I used to be more active with fandoms and posting fics, but one fandom/ship soured the experience for me. (Long story short, a lot of that ship's writers were bullied out by much more prominent writers. One of those popular writers mocked content from my fics in vaguetweets every time I posted, and I couldn't keep calling it a coincidence after a while.) I'd hear "you only write manbabies" (yeah more than once) and "you write too much of this" or be told my characterization wasn't realistic. But mostly? It just goes ignored. So I think, "I have to work harder and be better so people will be interested in reading it."

I don't know how other people manage to get word out about their writing. AO3 is great for sharing what I don't plan to publish/what can't be published, but what about what I do want published? I want to be a career author. And I struggle bc I'm dealing with problems that have a hand in worsening each other: financial struggles, living with my shitty parents, and bad health/disabilities. I need something in my life to work out for once. The pressure is on to be successful at something, but I just keep getting older and physically worse. My friend is willing to take me in when they find a place, we hope that's this year, but I can't live off of them, and I can't just sometimes cook and clean when I have spoons to make up for that. I need an income. I want writing to work out. But it just dies on my social media, with very few interactions, if any at all. I had a ton of stuff I wanted to finish for Seasons this month and into October to share with everyone in my excitement. But I'm losing my will to share anything. I only feel foolish when I try. Everything I do only proves my critics right, so it's embarrassing. Why even bother to try? It's been fourteen years of trying to get anything I write seen. I don't plan to stop writing btw, it's the sharing that's so difficult. I've been told countless times to write for myself when I express my despair, and guess what? That's good advice I've been taking this entire time! Who else could I be trying to please at this point? I have no one to please lmao, it's just me doing stuff I wanna do! The reaction to the ending of Seasons has me hesitant to give up on sharing, bc clearly lots of people connected to it in different ways, and that's wonderful. It makes me think sharing isn't so bad! But I just don't know if - at my age and health - if I can keep trying. I have two books I want to self-publish soon, and they feel like they'll just end up like everything else I post over at @mcalhenwrites - 6 notes and 5 of them are my reblogs! (And it's the same across all social media platforms - or it's even worse.) I'm really thankful that sharing Seasons gave me a taste of what it was like to connect with people through my writing, though. I don't think any of the people who commented or sent me asks realize how much it really helped me through this year, but it did. I started to have a little hope that maybe it wasn't a skill issue on my part, at least? ;A; And here's the thing: I don't really hate my writing all that much. I just fear it's got things wrong with it that I can't recognize, and that's what's putting potential readers off. I do believe my hard work shows, but hard work =/= good enough. My style is getting closer to the skill level I dreamed of having. I'm proud of my characters. But what's missing? I know that being a creator of any kind - even professional - is extremely tough, especially right now. I know this is a struggle for a lot of authors, artists, etc. :'( I just... I want to write as a career so I can keep doing more of it. I rarely have the spoons to keep up with anything. Writing is flexible. I love doing it! I just want to explain how I feel and what I'm dealing with, and why I'm so desperate. If you read this, know that it really helps creators to have our work recommended, boosted, etc. Authors matter as much as artists. I've been trying to train myself for the nth time to not be online and talk about my writing in any capacity. It hasn't worked before - I'm always too stupid to commit to giving up - but at what point in 14 years of complete failure with a side of humiliation does one just learn to give up? And to give some further insight into my thinking process: when I uploaded the remaining chapters, I put Seasons in my private collection (which holds 87 of my works out-of-bounds to anyone but me) so I could upload all the chapters without risking annoying my subscribers. Since 11 chapters in one night is a bit much, eh? :') Ugh, idk why tumblr won't let me edit anything or post long stuff. So I'm cutting this short I guess!

[a-method-in-it]

Girl what the hell is that last post you just reblogged.

(((They))) leave out or what.

Have you considered that you just did not pay that much attention during history class, because I learned about many of these things.

Jesus Christ half of that Tweet chain is just antisemtic conspiracy theories with 'zionists' instead of jews, as if that's not something the alt-right has started doing years ago.

Calling jewish people 'white' as if that's what the perception was at the time or makes any sense considering Jewishness is an ethnicity.

Fucking hell. You seemed like a reasonable person for a long time yk. But a claim that the goddamn Holocaust wasn't explicity and overwhelmingly targeting Jews with most others as afterthoughts is insane and history denying.

Literal textbook antisemitism.

Hi --- From the sound of this ask, you're someone who follows me, and as such I wish you hadn't sent this on anon so that I could reply privately, but here goes.

I assume you are talking about this post? That's the closest thing that I can find in my reblogs to what you're describing, though a lot of what you say about it here isn't actually true.

The post does not call Jewish people white --- it says that the way the Holocaust is presented in mainstream education seems designed to portray Jews as perfect white victims who didn't even fight back, which is obviously not true. (The fact that it's not true, including the white part, is what the Twitter user is pointing out.)

It also never claims that the Holocaust was not overwhelmingly targeting Jews, and I honestly don't know where you got that.

Also, I can't speak to where you went to school, but as a middle class white American, I actually was not taught anything in school about the Herero and Nama genocide, the presence of armed Jewish resistance to the Nazis, the fact that Hitler was inspired by the Armenian genocide, and certainly not that he was inspired by the genocide of indigenous peoples in the United States. (I did in high school learn that the Red Army liberated the camps and that people other than Jews were targeted as well, including Romani and disabled people; I have, however, had friends who were surprised to learn this as adults.)

You seem to think this post was criticizing the way that Jewish people talk about the Holocaust, but unless you think that Jewish people are in charge of all education policy (which would be a weird thing to think?) I don't see how you're getting that at all. The post specifies it's about Holocaust education, which I read as the things people are taught in school.

For what it's worth, I have found that Jewish sources of information about the Holocaust are actually less likely to fall into these traps than mainstream American ones, just speaking from my own experience.

I will say I'm not thrilled with the way the Twitter user makes the leap to saying that this type of education is deliberately meant to further zionism. I think that's a stretch. I reblogged it anyway because I thought it was overall making good points. I might wind up deleting it; I certainly take it seriously when something reads to Jewish people as engaging in anti-Semitic tropes, and if you have more to say about why you think this does that, I truly am happy to listen. I don't really see it that way, but as a goy, I often miss things.

But yeah. I feel like this would have been a better convo to have non-publicly, and I wish you hadn't chosen to go the anonymous route. I don't know what to make of statements like "You seemed like a reasonable person for a long time yk." coming from an anonymous ask. Are we mutuals? Have we interacted? Or are you basing this assessment purely on my online presence? Are you treating me like some quasi-public figure because I *checks notes* have a pseudonymous account on the internet's least popular social media site or have I offended someone I know and have some online relationship with?

If you want to send a chat or an ask I can answer privately, I'm happy to keep talking, but if you send another anonymous message, I will not be replying.

[storiesandthingsofthatnature]

Chapter 1: Let’s Begin

Hi there! I have NEVER really posted on this blog save for reposts. This is supposed to be a side blog for stories and after many years it shall become one! I am currently working on a few stories with ocs and this one is for five nights at freddy’s. Basically a young woman named Stella has been hired by Freddy’s Mega Pizzaplex and finds herself in an interesting relationship with SunnyDrop and MoonDrop. Here is the first chapter of the story. Reblogs and likes are my life blood and help me keep going! comments would be nice too! :D Thank you!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There had been many red flags from the jump, the ad itself consisting of sketchy info and a vague description of the jobs’ responsibilities. From the looks of things the money that was spent for each print seemed to have been dumped more so on the graphics and sub-categories of shameless plugging for their merchandise and other affiliated products/businesses. The fact that Stella was never called in for an official interview and was only contacted to be told she had gotten the job and they would need her account info and her basic identification with no other context should have been the deal-breaker. No background checks. No further inquiries on past jobs. Yes, many red flags lay piled near her feet. Yet she simply stepped over them and walked into a place of nightmares.  However, in the beginning, she was quite relieved she hadn’t been grilled so thoroughly. She wasn’t sure what this establishment truly looked for in an employee, but she was sure that one look at her record would have been enough for an immediate no. It always was with every other job she tried to snag. Although her history was not that of crime, her rep sheet was enough to portray that she was no good. Homicidal tendencies. Manic depression. Her paranoia led her into a trove of trouble and misunderstandings that ultimately ended in her termination from the company.  She meant well! She did. But, being her age she was still trying to figure out who she was. She didn’t mean to be so bleak but right now she’s grasping at straws. Being a young adult she wasn’t prepared for the responsibilities that filled her already overfilled plate of things she was unable to do on her own. It was pathetic. She relied heavily on her small group of “family”. Albeit, it only consisted of four, herself included. However, the other three did end up coming together to discuss Stella’s mental state. She had just recently been laid off for the fourth time in two months. She was fried and with no reason to go outside, she was left to slowly fall into madness surrounded by the same four walls. They agreed that she needed to get out and even went as far as to search around for suitable jobs or side errands that would accommodate Stella's “mental disabilities.” And now, here she was, an unmoving rock amongst a continuous tide of patrons and various employees. There never seemed to be a day when Freddy’s Mega PizzaPlex was ever slow, let alone barren. However, she was told that the overnight security shift would be the right fit for her; little to no human interaction and management are more lenient on “professional” etiquette.  Taking in what seemed to be the umpteenth deep breath that day, she forced her legs into motion. The way to the office felt like a fever dream - as though she was on autopilot. Nothing seemed real but, at the same time, everything was surreal. No matter the workplace, her inability to function in the most basic of public spaces is cause for alarm. Before she knew it her hand wrapped around the cool metal door that led into the main office. She approached the desk, a middle-aged woman behind an arched row of monitors. Stella wondered how she could keep track of anything. Then again, she most likely didn’t have ADD. Her hands fluttered on the lip of the counter, Stella having a hard time even announcing her presence. But she couldn’t stay like this for too long. Either she was going to be met with silence from a none-the-wiser employee and labeled as a creep/idiot on the security cameras, or they were going to awkwardly meet each other’s gaze which would then add to Stella’s aura of inner tension. So, after giving a few thrums of her fingertips along the cool, colorful surface she found enough courage to give a small clear of her throat. The sound of fluid typing ceased and Stella did her best to keep her anxiety at bay. She needed to be normal.  “May I help you?” Stella chewed on her lip,” I-I’m Stella? Stella Salazar. I have an appointment with an officer Steve?” She sucked in a sharp breath, a very unneeded paranoia engulfing Stella while the woman behind the counter searched up her name. “Ah, yes! Thank you for coming in. I’ll go let him know. One moment.” She gave a small smile, the woman disappearing into a backroom that was shielded by shelves adorned with various Pizzaplex merchandise.  Having some time to herself, even if it may be moments, Stella took the chance to reflect. Manic Depression is one thing but to have the title “homicidal risk” is something that Stella never would have imagined weighs so much. No one needed to find out. Well, the ones that had no business in the matter whatsoever. However, she was starved - emotionally and mentally, mostly. She was given opportunities to open up to many people and amongst her confessions, her homicidal tendencies would fly right off of her loose tongue. After this, it always ends the same. They say they completely understand. But who feels the same with anyone when one finds out they have impulses to kill things with no provocation whatsoever?  It’s slow. The disconnection. Their excuses became more frequent and what used to be so intricate in its design slowly turned into half-assed lies that Stella became far too tired to even acknowledge. Then, she’s on her own once more. She was wondering when her current friend group would inevitably do the same; realize how fucked up Stella is and come to the logical conclusion to distance themselves from a walking disaster. It was a matter of time, she was sure.  Fingernails dug into the soft pads of her hands, Stella gnawing on her lip. No matter how long she is going to be welcomed, she needs to help out in some way. So, if they offer her this chance then she is going to take it with the utmost gratitude. She could be homeless. Why wasn’t she…“ Ms. Salazar?” Her last name ripped her away from her self-loathing, an automatic smile filling in her once tense grimace. “That is me!~” She chirped. With shaky legs, she followed the receptionist to the back. They passed through intricate hallways covered with posters of each mascot. Random plushies could be seen on the window ledge for each office. Some seemed to be more biased than others, considering a few had a plethora of Roxy merchandise. Something within her felt that perhaps that wasn’t a good sign. But she was brought out of her immersion by a rather energetic and boastful voice. “Ms. Salazar, is it?”  A middle-aged male walked up to Stella and shook her hand with a firm grip. Out of habit, she looked away, eye contact a problem that she was currently working on. “H-Hello. And yes, it is.” She retracted her hand quickly, the motion not going unnoticed by the ever-vigilant Officer Steve. However, it was probably a sensitive topic considering. So. he made an internal deal to get to know Stella and find out her backstory. It was said that no one can escape the curious mind of Steve Henderson. “Pleased to meet you! I’m Steve Henderson, aka, Officer Steve. I’m the head security officer for this Megaplex location and I’ll be conducting your appointment this afternoon. Please, have a seat.” He led her into his office and motioned for her to sit on one of the chairs in front of his desk. She took a seat, Stella placing her backpack next to her on the floor. Twitchy fingers clutched around her knees while her right gently tapped from the soft children’s music that floated into the back office. “Just one moment while I get all the necessary papers.” He said with a smile, the male bowing over to search through his bottom file draw. While he mumbled to himself about organizing his papers better, Stella took the time to idly look at the overly decorated office. There wasn’t a particular theme; it seemed that whatever item he received from this place made its way to display here. There was no bias either, with an equal amount of PizzaPlex paraphernalia strewn throughout the small space.  But then she noticed the two plushies of both MoonDrop and SunnyDrop. She tilted her head slightly, a fond smirk playing on her lips. She loved SunnyDrop for as long as she could remember, the mascot coming to life in her younger years. She had a lot of SunnyDrop-related merchandise, Stella having an internal battle earlier on whether it would be weird if she came in her Sunny Hoodie. But, in the end, she decided against it and came in a loose-fitting sweater.  But then there was MoonDrop, a character that came a little after SunnyDrop’s debut. When she first saw him on TV, she was told that she had cried all night. Present-day he still gives her the chills but at least she doesn’t have night terrors anymore. “Spotted them didja?” She jumped in her seat, gaze returning to the officer. “Uh…Yeah.” She gave a breath of a laugh. “Sorry.” He gave a laugh of his own, “ Please, no worries! I don’t mean to show any bias but I will say that befriending them both was a real challenge.”  That caught her attention, Stella wanting to ask for him to expand more on it. But was beaten to the punch by Steve. “Well then.” He smacked his hands together and rubbed his palms. “Let’s begin!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stella had only been exposed to a quarter of her new workplace and already she was overwhelmed. However, after years of schooled suppression, her anxiety was left to pool within her very core. Something to add to the firepower of her approaching breakdown, but now just wasn’t the time to mull over what will be. She needed to pay attention. She transitioned back to reality, her “guide’s words becoming coherent once more. “...really, no kidding. Anyways, the next place on our little tour is the daycare! Does the name SunnyDrop sound familiar to you?” The older male asked, head cocking slightly towards Stella. The smaller gave an affirmed hum. “Course! He hasn’t been around for long but I love his design.” Stella mused. “Though, I will admit.” She continued with a breath of a laugh. “His counterpart is a tad creepy.” Her confession was met with a hearty laugh. “Completely understandable! Quite a few of the other employees feel the same. But, in my opinion, he’s a shy introvert who is very misunderstood. When one thinks of the dark, one can’t help but affiliate it with bad things. But! I gotta tell ya. The daycare is a sight to see when it’s dark.” Stella eyed the other with interest, the male’s voice laced with that of fondness. “You and MoonDrop sound close.” She couldn’t help but say.  Steve simply nodded coupled with a small grin. “Being a “veteran” of this place, I’ve grown very close with each animatronic. I couldn’t help but try my hand at befriending every single one of them, even if they are very apprehensive at first.” He said with a small chuckle, his face expressing that of a past, pleasant memory.  Before Stella could inquire further, the sound of playful children’s music caught her attention. They stopped in front of a large set of double doors. They looked heavy and sturdy which mimicked the appearance of safety, the very thing an establishment like this wants parents to feel. To provide them enough peace of mind to spend their money freely for both themselves and their children.  Steve stepped up, his hand in a fist as he knocked on the left door. He then stepped back, the large male unable to suppress an excited grin. “He is a hoot, you’ll see.” His excitement was contagious and already Stella could feel her pulse quicken beneath her olive skin. The sound of bells could be heard, each jingle growing in volume as something approached the double doors. It was then Stella heard the familiar voice of the jovial sun jester. “Oh, goodie! Friends! Who could it be, who could it be?” Their innocent quip was enough to make Stella’s heart squeeze.  The left door was opened with enthusiasm, and the head of SunnyDrop immediately peeked around to see who had come to his daycare. “Officer Steve! What a pleasant surprise! You usually don’t come by until well into the night!” It felt like every sentence from Sunny ended with an exclamation point, Stella unsure of how he was not exploding from the amount of energy swirling within him. “We got a newbie tonight. I’m showing her around, introducing her to everyone.” Steve stepped aside as Stella unknowingly shuffled behind the male so Sunny wouldn’t look at her. But now she was in the limelight and the fact she was new sent Sunny into an energetic spiral.  “New friend?! Goodie!!” The sun jester opened the door further, the music from the overhead speakers spilling out further into the lobby. Out of habit, her foot gently tapped to the beat of the simple song, the action not going unnoticed by the animatronic. But they said nothing as they danced around the female, sizing up his new friend. “You’re very pretty! What’s your name? Is that your natural hair color? Oh, I like your eyes!” The amount of attention she was receiving was too much and she looked at Steve for help. Picking up on her silent SOS, Steve stepped in to gently pry away Sunny who was currently staring into Stella’s icy blue eyes. “Sunny, boundaries. Remember what we talked about?”  Suddenly, Sunny did a back step and elegantly landed on one foot. “Right! My apologies.” He scratched at his faceplate in a sheepish way, a blush a fitting addition for the situation if Sunny held the ability to produce one. “But those questions still stand!” He placed his hands behind his back, a feigned sense of proper etiquette encircling the ever-smiling animatronic. Stella took a moment to recall his questions,” My name’s Stella. And yes, it is.” She patted at her loose bun, the female choosing to come into her first day of work in casual attire considering she was simply receiving the grand tour for tonight. Her hair was dark but when in the right lighting you could see the gleam of dark purple within the highlights. And in the right conditions, the hue of ruby red could be seen amongst her ends. Her skin was a honey color, a great contrast to her freezing eyes. Her pupils were ghostly and to some people, it made them uncomfortable. The colors were just too sharp, it seemed.  Among her small frame, she wore a large, loose-fitting sweater. She hadn’t received her shirt or security jacket yet so she improvised with her top. But as for her bottoms, she wore black jeans that, while not unique, filled the criteria for the “proper” employee dress code.  The sound of jittering mechanics emanated from Sunny, the jester having a tough time refraining from invading Stella’s personal space again. Steve couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the animatronic, the so-called veteran took aback by his old friend’s behavior. “SunnyDrop, are you okay?” The concern in his voice seemed to flip a switch within the sun jester, his shaking immediately ceasing as he turned to Steve. “Yes, yes! I’m A-Okay!” He declared, his hands rubbing together from what seemed to be residual anxiety. “Too much Fizzy Fazz, perhaps.” Sunny supplied an excuse, and Steve gave a hesitant nod. He didn’t seem convinced, but for now, he was going to leave it.  “Anyhow, we need to get going Sunny.” His rubbing hands slowly came to a stop, an aura of sadness contradicting his large smile. “Oh? You’re leaving so soon?! B-But, I had so many things planned!” Steve chuckled. “Sunny you didn’t even know we were coming. How did you plan anything?” Sunny gave a light laugh, the fluttering sound comforting to Stella. “It’s never hard for me to make up fun activities on the fly!” Sunny said, gently patting Steve on the head for not getting such a simple thing. “Pfft, of course! How could I forget?” Steve played along, Sunny suddenly whipping his head towards Stella who jumped noticeably from his sudden movement.  “I’m sad we didn’t get to finger paint together but I hope you can stop by again real soon!” He then hopped over and proceeded to pat Stella on the head as well. But what started as playful swatting turned into gentle rubbing, as if the other could feel her strands of hair amongst his metal fingers. “Soft…Poofy.” He mused gently. Perhaps he did have the ability to feel physical material? Then his touch left her scalp, the sun jester skipping over to the still ajar door. Spinning on the tip of his shoe, he peeked around the door to give one final goodbye. “ Welcome to the Freddy Fazbear Megaplex team, Stella! Can’t wait to spend more time with you!” And with that, he slipped back into his daycare, the once bellowing music immediately muffled by the closing of the large double doors.  Steve turned to Stella. “As I said, he is a hoot!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally, it was the end of Stella’s shift and she was free to leave the building for the day. Expected to come back at the same time the coming night, she was given every pamphlet that outlined the infrastructure that was the pizza plex. A couple of them were employee inclusive, maps of the utilities’ tunnels and warehouses, of course, not accessible by guests. Currently, she held about 6 different pamphlets, and with each anxious sifting through the leaflets, Stella felt more and more way over her head. The job itself was easy enough - Steve had even gone as far as to give her a handwritten step-by-step instruction sheet for her to follow and, soon enough, apply to her muscle memory. But Stella had no idea just how huge the entire establishment was. She had even admitted to Steve that she has never visited this particular location.  However, practice makes perfect and for now, all she could do was study what material she had and get a full eight hours of sleep. She hadn’t been sleeping well lately and now that she was working the night shift her sleeping schedule was going to get a whole new makeover. Change was something Stella found hard to adapt to, but one way or another she will find a way. Certain activities will have to be put on hold while others will be shifted around, Stella is suddenly immersed in creating a faux schedule within her mind.  A soft tapping pulled her away from her thoughts, Stella’s head snapping in the direction of the sound. Right now the building’s power had been cut off, something that they did before they officially opened for the day. So, she was walking around in pitch black. Certain areas were illuminated by emergency lights which helped her find her way to the employee exit. But, two red eyes were easy enough to see in the dark, their glowing eeriness slipping her into a trance. She should be terrified right now. She wasn’t diagnosed with it but she highly believed she had a phobia of the dark. However, she walked closer with such ease, Stella realizing she was approaching the see-through shell of the daycare.  “MoonDrop.” She muttered, the clicking of the moon jester’s mechanics seemingly increasing from Stella’s recognition. Her earlier conversation with Steve resurfaced to the forefront of her mind, the word “misunderstood” echoing the loudest. So she found herself placing her right hand against the cool glass, Moondrops own dominant hand mirroring hers. “I’m sad we didn’t get to talk more, but I hope to see you again real soon.” She chirped at the night animatronic, Sunny’s last words to her remade in her rendition. She didn’t know if Moon would catch on, but internally she had a feeling she shouldn’t doubt the intellect of these mascots.  And her instinct seemed to be correct, Moondrop’s faceplate rotating slightly as his shoulders bounced lightly from his low chuckling. But, to her disappointment, he didn’t speak further. But Steve did mention some were apprehensive of meeting new employees and considering Moondrop’s reputation amongst the ones who have been here the longest, her interaction was something most likely unheard of. From the elusive MoonDrop, nonetheless. She gave a hum, a small grin graced her lips as she gave a few thrums with her fingers against the glass. “Good night, MoonDrop.” She then let her hand fall back to her side and proceeded to make her leave.  “Nighty night~” She heard the raspy voice of MoonDrop say, Stella, turning around to see the back half of Moon disappear into the maze that was the play structures. She wasn’t expecting an answer back, but to have received a reciprocated reply she clutched her chest from the sweet ache within.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And yes, there will be spicy times huehuehue

[stormcrow513]

Yeah it really wasn't at all directed at you, I only learned about gaiman like a week ago and poking into it on and off cause it is pretty personally triggering for me, so I'd been wanting to write down some thoughts I'd been having from what I'd been picking up and I saw your reblog it brought to mind some things I wanted to talk out and I just did, and didn't really think it through to much, I also typically reread what I write but this time I just posted, so thanks for giving me a chance to opps my bad, I really love your blog you always bring attention to things I might not have heard about,

I definitely get what you're saying, people can get a little weird about things they love in a way I too find baffling,

Though I am a little weird here because I don't have a favorite book/movie/ect I have a current obsession and past obsessions I will cycle back to at some, so I don't hold anything up as this is the pinnacle of literature/cinema and find it confusing when people do,

I also didn't read harry when everyone else did, reading was not easy for me and I wasn't helped like at all, as an adult I think I likely have some form of learning disability or maybe lasting head trauma, so I'd look at the thickness of those books even the smallest and resented the hell out of them I thought I'd never be able to read them, fast forward to when I was like 19 and watching the movies with my ma and I was like you know what I should read the books,

And I did and I enjoyed them a lot, i caught some shit that was not great but quite a bit flew over my head, I didn't know at that time about antisemitism outside the Holocaust so Goblins as bankers didn't ping anything for me I thought the way Goblins were treated in the world of the story was completely fucked up and was pissed that it was never addressed but didn't see the underlying antisemitism until someone on here outlined it and I did further research,

And fat phobia was so common in my house that it didn't click either, I was always chubbier then my sister's and mocked for it by them and the sperm donor and told I couldn't take a joke if I cried, so yeah I didn't see it as messed up it was just normal to me,

I mostly locked on to harry because I got him, the first book when he talks about not being allowed to ask questions I went oh you too? When he'd do things without and around adults I was like yes I get it adults that aren't ma are useless,

Cue me reading fanfiction that calls out the abuse harry goes through and I was like

Oh

And for then on I read more harry fanfiction and I'm not sure I even reread the books again afterwards so my attachment was probably more for the fanfiction and watching the movies with my ma then the books themselves

So I kinda come at all of this at a weird angle,

And I'd dig through the HP tags on here and I stumbled a lot on people specifically being nasty about people like this kids book and saying so while for one example having like every transformers action figure and show/movie ever invented

And it's something I repeatedly see people who bring up that 'how can you stand that shitty book it's for children' while they themselves have something they love that was made for kids and saying out right that there is nothing wrong with still enjoying kids stuff into adulthood,

Like I totally get saying HP is bad because XYZ harmful thing and therefore no one should give jk support or attention

Or I didn't enjoy it because XYZ writing choices are objectively bad

But I don't get saying HP is bad cause it's a kids book

Especially if you in fact like other kids books you prefer the writing style of

Like it just literally confuses the hell out of me

And I've been wondering in a more analytical way if it plays into the current situation with gaiman and the reactions people are having at all

Because his books are for adults

So there isn't that 'well what are you doing still enjoying his work at your age' angle that was brought up a lot with jk

I see a lot of parallels between these situations

I am seeing people once again bringing up the can you death of the author an author that's still alive

And last time people rightly said 'what?! no, not when the author is alive and using their money to actively harm people'

And gaiman is also alive and using his money to hurt people

Yes there is 'only' so many people one man and personally rape, compared to the amount of people that are being hurt by jks funding of bills

But every time a rapist gets away with zero consequences it hurts every survivor of rape

the women he raped being called liars

and every one of us that lives every single day knowing the person that hurt us is still out there still hurting people living their best fucking life while we struggle and struggle.

And I wanted to talk about that,

Especially because I've also seen terfs grabbing at this as another opportunity for a recruitment drive 'see all men are evil'

And boy does that piss me off I am very very protective of my fellow rape survivors women, men, cis, transgender, gender non-conforming ect.

With jk I shut up and listened because I wasn't one of her victims

This time is different

And as to your last part about trying to decide if you want to get rid of his books

that's a thing I think people need to butt out of, that's your decision

the books are already bought getting rid of them won't take the money back

It's down to your comfort because owning them in the privacy of your own home doesn't't cause anybody else any hurt,

We each have to decide what to do with our already purchased things, that's an individual choice that nobody should shame anybody else over

Neil Gaiman is still following the PR playbook

I'm so sick of how Neil Gaiman is continuing to manipulate the conversation while displaying ZERO accountability or remorse.

Do you think him leaking that he's apparently offering to step back from Good Omens Season 3 is a sign that he realizes he fucked up and is trying to make it right? Absolutely not.

What he's doing is making the first moves to launder his reputation so that he can keep making money off of his IP and, eventually, return to the spotlight. All of the overjoyed reactions here and elsewhere are part of that plan.

One part of that Deadline article really stuck out to me.

[Highlighted Text: Deadline understands Gaiman’s offer is not an admission of wrongdoing...

Gaiman’s position is that he denies the allegations and is said to be disturbed by them.]

This is what makes me think that it is actively irresponsible to publicly celebrate or advocate for the continuation of any media project that involves or enriches Gaiman. The fact that Amazon has even announced that Good Omens is on hold shows the credibility of the accusations. And yet Gaiman leaking this information suddenly puts them on the backfoot. "Just take the deal!" cries the fandom. Neil is no longer the bad guy, it's Amazon who are now denying you your comfort show. It's blatant manipulation and it sickens me that it might actually work.

Boosting Good Omens or Sandman or Coraline at this time is not a victimless crime. True, no one person is going to be the difference between Gaiman facing consequences or not. But it's public opinion that will truly determine whether his legacy will be impacted. That's why he's spent a considerable amount of money on the same PR firm as Russell Brand, Prince Andrew, Danny Masterson, and Marilyn Manson. Their specialty is helping rapists get their lives back.

So please think of the long-term implications of breathing a sigh of relief and going back to posting about Good Omens, or signing a petition that gives Gaiman a way out of finally facing the consequences of his own actions.

Yes, none of these shows were 100% made by Gaiman. It sucks that this is going to affect people other than him. But maybe he shouldn't have chosen to sexually abuse at least 5 women and very likely more. In a just world, you fuck around and find out.

[imaginingmarvelandeverything]

Guilt

Pairing: Bruce Wayne x F!Reader

Word count: 611

A/N: Here is the convenience blurb I promised!! This wasn’t requested, it’s just something I had bouncing around my mind for a while. I’m going away for ten days on Monday and can’t take my laptop this time. So I have one more chapter of my Jason Todd series to post tomorrow and then that will be it until I get back. Anyway, I hope you like it!!

Ko-Fi

Series masterlist

Masterlist

Dick looked up from the stack of files on his desk as his doorbell rang. He pinched his eyebrows together; he was not expecting anyone this afternoon. It rang again and he sighed before pushing back from the desk and standing up. His eyes drifted to his gun, but he shook his head and walked to the door. He pulled the door open after a quick glance through the peephole, surprised as to who was there.

“Hey, kiddo.” Y/N tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace.

“Hey.” He stepped to the side to let her in, watching the way she was cradling her arm, clearly in pain. “This isn’t a social call, is it?”

“No. You saw the news the other night, about the Joker?” She glanced around his living room, taking in what had changed since the last time she visited him in Bludhaven, before turning back to face him.

He nodded, his stomach starting to feel uneasy. “Yeah. Bruce got any idea who the guy in the red mask was?” He knew he had hit the mark when her eyes got glassy and she had to sit down on his sofa. “Y/N?”

“It’s Jason.”

Dick’s heart stopped and he felt like someone was pumping ice water through his veins. “That’s not possible.” He watched as she pulled something up on her phone before holding it out to him. He looked at her uneasily before taking the phone from her and pressing play on the video. It was security footage from the station and he watched as hooded figure walked in, setting off none of the alarms, and started checking each of Y/N’s workbenches for something. His heart was in his throat as the figure pulled the dust sheet of Jason’s Robin suit and stuffed it in a bag before looking around for something else. When they could not find whatever they were looking for, they started to walk out, but not before pulling down their hood and smiling up at the camera.

He paused the video with shaking fingers, because while he looked older, a streak of his hair was white, and there was a scar across his cheek, it was definitely Jason.

“I went to the cemetery, to visit his grave, and he approached me there. He’s mad at Bruce for not killing the Joker. He forgot to disable the backup tracker in his suit after he took it, so I tracked him.” Y/N said, watching him closely. “I talked him down, but not before I got in between him and the Joker and he accidentally hit me with the crowbar. He didn’t want me to tell you, but he’s different.”

“Different how?” Dick said, barely above a whisper.

“He’s angry. He- he reminds me of Bruce before Gotham Square Garden, before he realised he wasn’t helping anyone as Vengeance.” She closed her eyes, several tears escaping from them. “He said he was going to finish it. We might need you help in the future, and you deserve to know.”

He sat down next to her on the sofa, still trying to wrap his head around everything. “Have you eaten?”

“Not yet.” She admitted.

“I’ll order some food and we can try and figure out what he might do next. If he’s angry at Bruce, it might be an idea to leave him out of it.” He stood up as she nodded and walked into the kitchen to grab his take-out menus. He took a moment to try and compose himself in the kitchen because, not for the first time, the guilt of not being there for Jason that night was threatening to eat him alive.

Taglist: In the reblogs

[relaxxattack]

hey, so i still havent read knifetrick yet, but i saw the post you reblogged about it being about capitalism's treatment of disabled people. im aware that this is just one interpretation of your work, but did you consciously make decisions about what messages to send within your story? did you purposefully include imagery or motifs or references or anything else to create a particular theme or idea?

im wondering because im making my own story, and im curious about what others put into theirs. i have a few key ideas i want to send with it, so i'm trying to tie all my characters and their arcs and the symbols and everything in my story to it. my brand of autism tends towards the "everything MUST have a logic to it!" and this is an obvious influence on it, but i still also think it's worth putting a lot of thought into it because theyre ideas i really care about. i want curious readers to be able to look into my story and see how it all ties together, and i want to impart messages of compassion onto my general audience as well. i think that all art has messages within it, whether personal or otherwise, and by being aware of what those are you can create a stronger and more cohesive story. at least thematically. if that is what someone wants to do, of course.

i know knifetrick is a story you started for fun. there is absolutely value in that (in your own joy) and i dont think art without intentional purposes or messages is inferior in any way. but did you ever get an idea for an overarching message in your mind, and implement it? its cool if you didnt, or if you did but dont want to say what it is too btw lol. im kinda just looking for the experience & thoughts another author had with their own thing. (i am very nervous sending this ask. i hope i dont sound like im jumping the gun.)

do not feel bad for asking this question, i'm always down to talk about my written works, even if it takes me a bit to collect my thoughts and figure out a response. yes, the truth is i went into knifetrick from the start with a lesson/moral i wanted to explore and teach. a fun fact about me is that i have several younger siblings, who are often being taught things i personally don't agree with. having conversations with them about what is really "right" or "moral" is awkward and not really doable. but stories and characters have always been a good and safe way for us to have this discussion-- why did this character do that thing, what makes this bad guy bad, and so on. this is why with writing i don't just like to tell a story, but i also like to teach a lesson. as patronizing as that sounds, i kind of just think it's pleasing when stories have a good moral behind them. although they don't need to for me to enjoy them. but back to the actual topic, yes. i did intentionally choose to explore the idea of capitalism's failure of certain groups of people in my story. that is what the main plot is actually wrapped around-- there's the obvious struggle with the main character, ran. he is physically and mentally disabled, he is treated differently than his peers. in a way he is fed from a young age the idea that the only way he can be considered equal to everyone else is to have a use to other people; to be the hardest working member of the order. his society encourages this worldview so that they can take advantage of him, but they don't actually care about him at all. they would discard him if he stopped being useful to them. the second example of this is the other main character, jackie. jackie's society also failed to take care of him-- he was orphaned, and then immediately lacked a support system of any kind, personal or governmental. he turned to a life of crime to make ends meet and repress his emotions, but all that did was eventually make his severe depression worse and manifest itself in a lot of anger issues and lashing out. by the time ran meets jackie, he's attempting to turn over a new leaf and take this opportunity he's been given to make an honest living; jackie cares a great deal about the people around him. the missing children are failed by society in the fact that they go missing in the first place, and nobody has bothered to try and find them (although the blame for that rests mainly on watson's shoulders, seeing as he tricked the king into thinking that was being solved). scoots and clem are failed by society as well- scoots is denied the job she actually wants to have due to her disability, and they are very poor. obviously this is made worse when clem goes missing, and since no one else is doing anything, scoots stops working to look for her sister. possibly the most obvious examples i can think of are maia snail and laggius maximus. maia's children are both autistic, with one of the two showing much more severe symptoms than the other. she's dealt with this in the way she best can as a mother, which is give them things they can comfortably work on to get their energy out and be helpful without having to do anything they don't like. society fails them as well, in that laggius is killed in the pit. but the more important part of their story is something snail tells ran: "i would have loved my brother even if he was never useful a day in his life, because he deserves it". essentially all throughout knifetrick, especially through ran, we are shown this idea of usefulness as equivalent to worth; i.e. how capitalism teaches us to view ourselves. we are shown how faulty of a system that is through the various characters. eventually ran realizes that he does not actually have to do anything useful to be worthy of existence, comfort, or love, and that is the sort of “end moral” of the narrative. ran ditches the council, showing that he knows his own worth and refuses to be tied to people who only ever hurt him, and then jackie helps the king start to reform subbin’s systems so that less people will fall through the cracks as he did.

so yes, that is essentially how i explored the idea of capitalism failing disabled people through knifetrick. there’s likely more stuff that i forgot but that’s what i remember off my head right now. anything anyone else sees in knifetrick about this topic is probably fair as well, death of the author and all that. this is what i intended while writing but other people might have seen more things in other characters that i didn’t think of too hard.

i hope that helps.

(bonus: firefox completely froze while i was at the end of this ask and made me fear for my fucking life. it took so much waiting and minimizing the program before i could safely save this to my drafts and then close firefox. terrifying.)

[artist-issues]

How do you know I am not neurodivergent? Why would you think I'm "ranting about this?" Additionally, read the reblogs. I already did my own research. The results of that research shed no light on why y'all are using the word like you are online, in the way I outlined in my original post. So I went to the source to figure out why that is. Logical.

Yes, I've interacted with both autistic people and those suffering from diagnosed disorders like Tourrette's syndrome. My cousin has a rare form of autism stemming from a genetic disorder. I regularly interact with people who are disabled in real life. By regularly, I mean they are an active part of my family and friend group and I see them weekly, if not more often. Online, who knows? But what am I saying that is some kind of attack on disabled people? What have I said or done, other than asking for a definition?

It's weird that y'all are responding this way to a question.

I don't understand the hype around "neurodivergence." I don't get it. I don't get what you guys are talking about. What do you mean when you say "neurodivergent?" Do you just mean "thinks differently than everyone else?" Okay, well, everyone thinks differently than everyone else. We're all unique; nobody's interior world is exactly the same as everyone else's. So what is neurodivergence?

Some people talk about it like it's meant specifically to refer to people who are on the "autism spectrum" but that's not how I'm seeing y'all use it. Online, people say "autistic" and "neurodivergent" in sentences and contexts where the word "creative" or "artistic" or simply "unique-personality" would work better as descriptive words.

And what's a little more perplexing is the...romanticization of it. I just made a post about Mulan, the character, talking about how well-done her character trait of "creativity" is, and someone reblogged it and said she was "neurodivergent." When the whole point of the post is that she was creative: she solves problems with her own unique spin. That doesn't mean other characters in that movie don't also have a unique spin--Mushu ties tomatoes to her arrows to cheat at training. Is he "neurodivergent" too, or just creative? Why do you say "neurodivergent" when you mean "creative?"

What's going on here? Explain it to me, if you're more knowledgeable than I am and I'm just ignorant. Because really, I'd be glad to hear that it's not just one more case of our internet-drunk society creating an exclusive sub-culture with no reasonably defined traits to idealize and identify with.

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Hey everyone (aka the like... 2 to 5 entities that actually read my bullshit) sorry I've kinda not been *actually* posting but just reblogging random stuff I enjoyed seeing. Things have been... rough. So here's a smol condensed update:

Oral surgeon took out those 2 broken teeth... for $1700. Two or three days later, the last one on the other side of my bottom jaw crumbled even more. Now I just live with ambesol soaked gauze on it because getting it out would be around $900 in my estimation (based on the cost of the 2) that I don't have. I owe my dad $1k for the originals.

The Spawn's car had a radiator fan issue right before she left for her week of vacation in Puerto Rico. The Bf's dad couldn't fix it, so my dad took it to the shop he uses & they fixed it.

The Spawn & The Bf got back on Tuesday night. Wednesday she was beat down but figured it was jetlag. Thursday she seemed to be having really bad allergies but just in case it was a cold, I wore a mask & kept my distance. Friday Dad starts to have similar symptoms, so they think summer cold. I continue the mask & distance gig, even though both act offended at different times about it.

I also made a boat load of cupcakes from scratch on Friday because I had a craving. We had lemon white chocolate cakes with blueberry lemon frosting and raspberry chocolate chip cakes with my chocolate whipped frosting that I added a bit of raspberry pureé to. They were amazing. There are multiple adults that don't like cakes or frosting that loved them & Key (my neighbor & new bff) asked if I'd make cupcakes when her youngest needs stuff like that for school & allow her to take credit for them. I obviously agreed.

Saturday evening I hear The Spawn & Dad coughing. Now, they had both had a cough for a couple days but this cough sounded extremely suspect. So I threw covid tests at their faces & lo and fucking behold, The Spawn brought a souvenir back from Puerto Rico in the form of motherfucking covid. She & Dad tested positive, while The Bf & I tested negative. I scrambled to find a place to go so I could... idk STAY ALIVE but it was late that night. So I left the next morning & have been @ Lou's ever since... except that it was his week to have all 3 of the kids (V- a 12 yr old boy, A- a 9 yr old girl, & H- a 4 yr old girl. The oldest are from his first marriage, the last is from his brief marriage to my ex bestie. Both women let them run wild & cave to their every demand, so they are feral.)

It is now friday. The Bf was TOLD to stay downstairs, only going up wearing a mask to bring supplies to the plague twins. But nobody fucking listens to me & now he has it. Additionally, the upstairs ac went out over there so all my shit got contaminated by them crashing downstairs.

(Side note: during this catastrophe, The Spawn called me griping about how many bad things have happened since she got back and how she's the *only* one suffering. I attempted to explain that no she isn't & she proceeded to scream at me that Dad & I are simply inconvenienced... you know, my dad who is in the high risk age group and has the same virus in the same un-airconditioned upstairs as her & me who is disabled & heavily relies on a specific environment I've cultivated for myself but has had to evacuate from her own home into a place of CONSTANT noise all because she was careless on vacation & brought home covid. Everything that's happened aside from the ac is the result of her own actions. I hung up on her and when she text 3 paragraphs of abuse at me, I muted her, let dad know what happened & that I'm done providing anything outside of a place to live. This isn't the first time she's been verbally abusive when things don't go the way she expects or she is faced with the consequences of her own actions but now she's legally an adult.)

Lou's kids got to have a week of Auntie [Dr. M]'s Boot Camp, where we learn to respect each other & our home. We don't yell in the house, we aren't mean to each other, we clean up after ourselves. It was quickly learned that I don't respond to demands, require manners, don't tolerate lying or bullying, don't give a fuck if a tantrum is thrown or a dirty look is given, & absolutely give out consequences for actions both good & bad. They are unaccustomed to a woman laying down the damned law or someone consistently correcting their behaviors (because Lou is outnumbered & beat tf down).

I have also been able to help him with the house & yard (which I will be able to accomplish more of now that the kids are back @ their moms'). When he kicked out my ex-bestie a little over a year ago, he was left with the house & while she was a student/stay at home mom for the bulk of their relationship, she's a borderline horder and frankly a slob, so he was left with that mess. He was understandably depressed & then by the time he got more mentally healthy, being a single dad of 3 every other week made it an overwhelming task to get out from under it. So I did what I do... came into the house in a whirlwind of efficient cleaning & organization. He gave permission for me to just go through & do whatever I felt needed doing. (The borderline hoarding situation resulted in us finding shit he didn't even know about, and him giving me a bunch of shit like an unopened double boiler. We discovered 3 crockpots and an instant pot that he didn't know about. The crock pots went into a bin for donation & I gave him a manual for the instant pot.) When I finished the kitchen, he cried. Now I'm house/dog sitting today & tomorrow, so I'm going to buckle down & do some hardcore cleaning junk to as much of the house as possible. While the kids were here, I helped them do their bedrooms.

He asked why I would do all this & the answer was simple: I enjoy it, I'm really good at it, and I understand how hard it is to get out from under it when it's that bad, so if I can get it clean & organized it will be easier to maintain.

Also I can't go home til they all test negative & have sanitized everything. Woo.

So there's my overall update. My life is dope.

[Been a long time since I've had to do this but don't reblog my shitshow. Don't steal it for your buzzfeed or bored panda bullshit. Both those sites need to die imo. ( ಠ ʖ̯ ಠ) ]

[messengerhermes]

Content Warnings: This is a post about figuring my way out of deep depression, and so does reference sui ideation at some points, and figuring out how to cope. This got too long so I'm reblogging myself to post it all.



So I found myself shockingly struck with the desire to be alive today, for the first time in I cannot say how long, in the middle of a Goodwill. I was looking for new shirts. Because gender. It was not a particularly profound moment, but there, in the middle of flipping through tank tops of varying shades of orange my brain went, "I want to be alive." And I felt like a stage wrestler slapped me in the back with a chair. See, this past year has been rough (which is both an understatement and I'm guessing Profoundly Relatable given the state of everything for the last two years). Mid-2021 marked one of my lowest depressions in about a decade, and a resurgence of a miasma of intrusive self loathing thoughts that I like to call Timmy. Timmy is a little bitch who knows nothing, but likes to tell me all the ways I'm terrible and a waste of space. They are profoundly loud. Angle Grinder on concrete at 3 am loud. And they hung around for about six months this visit. All while many components of my life were in some pretty serious upheaval. I got through that visit from Timmy, thanks to therapy access, a month long road trip, lots of talking to people in my support system, and flinging myself into every coping tool I had. Timmy packed their bags and left probably three, four months ago. But that didn't mean my depression's over, just that I'd managed to scrape myself up to a slightly higher plateau. But the truth is, I was operating more days than not from a place of "I need to be alive" not "I want to be alive." And those are very different places. I needed to be alive for my friends, my family, my lovers, my partner (these categories are not mutually exclusive)--things have been hard enough on everyone this last few years, I couldn't be another loss on the list. I needed to be alive because people need sex education, because queer liberation and disability justice need folks in the game. I needed to be alive. For other people. I didn't need to be alive for myself. I didn't particularly want to be alive, at this place I'm in, in a period in my life in which I was (and sometimes still am) getting a lot of conversations about where I have room for improvement and a lot of rejection letters or applications unreplied to where I put myself out there. Now, when you're in the hellhole of mental health, staying alive for other people's sake is not a bad strategy. Thinking about people I love and care for and what it might mean for them if I don't make it out of my hard spells has done a lot for keeping me going when I feel like a shounen anime protagonist getting ground into paste by some villain that's revealed they're not even using their full power. But living for other people is a triage care, it's the tourniquet you apply in a crisis, not the long term strategy. You have to remember how to live for yourself.

[bookwyrminspiration]

All of the people in this fandom give me too much hope for humanity. How are you all such good people??? And how did all of these good people assemble around a children's book series about elves and sparkly horses? Is that what it is? We all just couldn't let go of the child inside of us and let that inner kindness shine through? idk, but whatever it is, thank you for being such a kind, beautiful and talented person. I hope you have a great day <3

you're right, there's so many cool people here and I love interacting with everyone!! Everyone is so considerate of others and their opinions and is so self aware about the consequences of their actions and try to comfort and connect with all the people they see.

I do also wonder what it is about this sparkly elf world that drew us all in, as it's quite the mystery! A lot of us seem to have found comfort in the story from a young age, reading about someone who didn't fit in no matter where they went. That's a lot of us! A lot of us are mentally ill and neurodivergent and queer and disabled and poc and didn't fit in growing up for reasons we didn't understand--like how Sophie knew something was different about her (reading minds) but didn't figure it out until she found people like her later (elves).

"We all just couldn't let go of the child inside of us and let that inner kindness shine through?" That is such a wonderful way to put it. I'd even hazard a guess that a fair number of us were labelled "mature for our age" or had to grow up too quickly, given more responsibilities than others without allowing us to be kids. So this series allows us to experience an element of childhood after the fact and go back to that innocence with more awareness and excitement to enjoy it. It's also a welcome break from all the hardcore/intense books that are being pushed on the market. Not that they aren't enjoyable, but after a way it's fun to go back to easier reads and lighter worlds (though the elven world is still deeply messed up).

It's also possible that a lot of us have a fondness/nostalgia for this series/fandom. Because it's a kids series, a lot of us were joining tumblr and fandom like this when we were closer to the target age range. And while we've grown out of that and enjoy more intense/complex content and worlds, kotlc will always be one of the first. And we genuinely enjoyed the series! Now I may be able to write a five page report on various problems with characters that I'd never even consider a few years ago, the reason I'm here is because this series is important to me. And other's can have that same sense of importance. It's vulnerable, in a way. For everyone to be here, it opens us up to possible hurts, yet we've all taken this and supported each other and engaged in things we like together. It's so cool!! I don't think I've ever seen another fandom exist the same way the kotlc fandom does, with such casual excitement and respect all around.

also, thank you that is so sweet <33. I have no intention to ever stop being the way I am and engaging and supporting everyone I can! I know I would've loved to have someone like myself to talk with when I first joined the fandom, so I hope I can be that for someone else. All my responses to things are genuine!! I love answering asks and reading fics and reblogging art (though the last two I've been too busy to do as much of recently). But everyone here is so talented and so valued and ah!! I have so many thoughts about this I should stop.

this fandom is so cool and I love being a part of it <33

[gyrfa-gariadus]

messaging me

I’m happy to get dms from people to talk about whatever. However please understand consent when sending a message especially as a little.

So first for something that makes me sad I even have to write.

I get a lot of messages from littles. Those knowing little or nothing anything about me asking for me to be their caregiver(which I’ve already stated that I won’t do) as well as baby talking to me. Not only is this a violation of my consent but also I’m dyslexic and use a screen reader I don’t know what you’re saying most of the time(or it causes me to use serious mental power to figure out what you’re saying). Once I’ve expressed my discomfort with this instant caregiver role I’m forced in by a stranger I often get called names or just a bad person.

Now that’s out of the way

I prefer to know why your texting me rather than just a “hi” sometimes I really like when people just go straight into the thing they wanna talk about. If you wanna be friends say that. If you need me to delete a post please text me! But please include more that just “hi” “hello” and the worse one yet was just”…” like what do I say to that???

Things I won’t talk about:

Trauma

Sexual assault

Dsmp

Thomas Sanders

My disabilities(I’m happy to talk about them if you have the same ones and need someone to talk to about them)

Things I’d love to talk about :

Animals (especially if you’re interested in some that I take care of I get really excited when talking about them)

Parasites and diseases

Video games (Skyrim,acnh,Minecraft,Pokemon,ect)

Deep sea creatures

Taxadermy

Punk (ideology,patches and patch ideas,shows,music)

Moomins

Over the garden wall

Derry girls,misfits,new girl.

Cryptid

Geocaching

Matchbox stuffing

Your hyperfixations/ current hyper focus

Your hobbies

How your day went

Things you like shows,movies,music

Just about you in general

Please understand I may take a while to respond and I’m definitely going to answer asks faster. Also if I’m not replying but still reblogging and posting I use my queue so im probably not online. I live in the Uk so be mindful of time zones I might just be asleep so please don’t get angry at me for not replying in a long time .I also study and work and have alters who don’t use tumblr and partners and a dog so I cannot be online all the time.

I use a screen reader to read because I can’t see so texting back may be slower than usual! Sorry !!

I love talking with new people! I’m a very outgoing person but I do get really anxious while doing it as well so if I seem a little uninterested I’m likely just anxious !

Don’t correct my grammar or spelling I know I struggle with both and have never gotten the hang of grammar at all. If I want you to correct me I’ll ask and if you don’t understand what I’m saying ask me to word it differently.

remember there is a human at the end of the message. Not an automated assistant, it takes time to respond to people and sometimes a rude message, someone pushing my boundies,short “hi”messages (sometimes even well meaning) can be the message that keeps the me awake at night or ruins my evening.

[nekoannie-chan]

Fix it

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Reader.

Word count: 1254 words. 

Summary:  Steve doesn’t wanna lose you, he would do anything to save you.

Warnings: Death of a character, sad. 

A/N: This is my entry to the @candy-and-writing​’s 1000 Followers Writing Challenge with the prompt #17:

“Why the fuck did you do that?”

Also my entry to @justagirlinafandomworld​’s Time Travel Challenge with the prompt #20:

“So…I died. I’m dead”.

And my entry to @cap-n-stuff​’s Vic’s 500 Followers Writing Celebration with the dialogue prompt #14:

“It wasn’t supposed to end this way”.

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistake please let me know and I will correct it.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics be posted in other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don’t steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other’s people. The only exception is the ones I gifted ‘cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and is not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Marvel’s characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

My other media where I publish: Wattpad, Ao3, ffnet.

If you like it please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog. 

Tags: @sinceimetyou​ @navybrat817​ @angrythingstarlight​ @shield-agent78​ @saiyanprincessswanie​ @charmed-asylum​ @pandaxnienke​ @real-fbi​ @smokeandnailz​

 You knew the opportunity was unique, any mistake and Doom would win, you ran as fast as you could, it was the only option, and there was no one closer. You thought you heard screaming behind you, you ignored it, you weren't even sure if they followed you, there was no time to waste, you felt you were short of air, but at last you had reached your goal, you took out the tools and started disabling the equipment... a few minutes later you knew what to do. 

You turned to see Steve, it would be the last time, your sacrifice would save the world, and for a few seconds you closed your eyes to avoid the tears from coming out, you gave one last look at your boyfriend. 

"I love you... goodbye Steve, "you whispered as you took off the bracelet you used to contain your powers.

A blinding light illuminated the place, Steve was stunned, he could not believe it, he knew perfectly well what that light meant; the plan did not contemplate any sacrifice, he could not conceive that there was any way in which it failed. 

Immediately Steve ran to where the light had originated, began to remove the debris desperately looking for you. It took the rest of them several minutes to understand what had happened. 

As soon as Steve found your body, he hugged it, he was trying to make you react in some way, but it wasn't possible anymore. The rest began to approach, Lorna stopped when she was already very close. 

"No, no... Y/N... Doll... please open your eyes," he asked between sobs. 

“Is Y/N...?” 

"Lorna, don't you dare say it, that's not possible," Wanda interrupted her by sizing to the side of her. 

Gert turned to see Nico, she shook her head, she knew it wasn't something the Staff of One could do, she tried when Gert died in the fight against Morgan and it didn't work.

"Do something! Steve cried desperately at Nico without letting go of your body. 

"I-I'm sorry... I can't revive someone," Nico apologised. 

Steve lost track time that happened since you die, a very fixed idea had appeared in his head, and he had heard what the Runaways had done several years earlier, even remembering the déjà vu feeling. 

Bucky walked into the room that you and Steve used to share, during all those days he was trying to cheer up and support her friend, but nothing seemed to work. 

"S-Steve, it's about time," Bucky announced, taking his friend off his shoulder. 

Steve didn't answer, he let Bucky direct him to the place where your funeral ceremony would be. After that he locked himself back in the room, he waited for him to go out again, walked to Chase's lab, would come out of doubt once and for all. He rang the bell outside the place. Chase immediately opened. 

"Cap, do you need something?” 

"I wanna talk," Steve replied.

"Sure, come in, I was making some repairs to the Fistigons, I like that they're always ready... you know, in case I need them,” Chase walked over the door to let it go. “What do you want to talk about?” 

"I know you travelled back in time to save Gert, I need you to help me, and I have to prevent Y/N... sacrifices. 

Chase swallowed, he had no idea how Steve had found it out, and as far as he knew they wouldn't tell anyone how they brought Gert back. 

"I don't know what you're talking about.” 

"You know, now that I think about it, maybe I dreamed it," Steve left the lab, realizing where Chase had his time machines stored. 

He spent the next few hours planning how to get one, he was going to do whatever it took to avoid your fateful end, but he wouldn't go to that moment, but a few days earlier, what he wanted was to prevent you from going on that mission.

"Has anyone seen Steve?” Sam asked. No one knew where he was, Chase immediately realized what was going on, when he went to his lab, and he noticed the machine that was missing. 

"Oh no...” 

 Steve went into the Compound’s kitchen, you were looking for the piece of cake you kept in the fridge to eat later. 

"Steve, did you eat my cake?" You asked him when you saw him come in, seeing that he wasn't responding, you knew he did it. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

"I-I'm sorry, I was hungry.” 

You closed the refrigerator door, saw the clock on the wall, you hadn't even heard the Quinjet arrive, you came up to Steve and looked at him carefully; he did not remember that a few days earlier they had a mission. 

"You're not Steve. Loki, I don't have time for jokes," you said. 

"Y/N, it's me, Steve, seriously...”Steve realized that for the first time he didn't have a plan and didn't know what to do. You were going to call the others who were at the Compound when he stopped you. ”Please listen to me, I can't lose you again.”

 "I beg you pardon?” 

 "I have something very important to tell you.” 

You went to your office where he explained everything, you listened to dumbfounded everything Steve told you. 

"Why should I believe you?" You asked. 

"Because I've done all this to avoid losing you, they lost Gert and figured to get her back, I just can't imagine a world without you.

“So…I died. I’m dead”

Before Steve could answer anything, Nico came into your office. 

“Y/N... Am I interrupting something? Have you returned from the mission yet?”

 "No, is...what happened?” 

"I detected some alterations in the Dark Dimension... if that continues Tandy and Ty will come to investigate, last time they argued with Stark," Nico explained. 

You and Steve looked at each other, there was no choice but to explain what happened. 

"Then the Captain stole one of the machines we used when Gert... how did you know?” 

"I heard one of your conversations one day, you guys should understand me, I lost the person I love, and I just want it back.” 

The most difficult part was to convince everyone that you would not go on the mission, Chase had finally explained what would happen to Steve, however, he should avoid having contact with his past self, when they arrived at the same time Steve had travelled, and those versions would be replaced, resulting in a new timeline. 

"Steve," you called him. He looked up. “Thanks for saving me.” 

"I love you.” 

"I love you too.” 

Four months had passed since that mission, a call alerted them, Thanos went for the Infinity stones you had, but it wasn't the only thing, his appearance wreaked great havoc on the Dark Dimension, while Tina, Nico, Tandy, and Tyrone tried to contain everything he wanted to get out of the Loa, the rest was fighting Thanos' army. 

Thanos had got all the stones, after snapping his fingers, disappeared. You felt something weird inside you, it was different than when the force inside you wanted to get out of control, the fear took hold of you, were you dying?  

"Steve?" You called him, you wanted me to tell you that everything was going to be okay, but when he turned around, there were only ashes. 

Steve approached, he was supposed to save you, not to lose you again, he dropped to his knees.

 “It wasn’t supposed to end this way” 

[cyclopstm]

                         DISABILITY && MENTAL HEALTH

This post will cover items such as disabilities, mental health, PTSD and trauma in relation to Scott. These are things which are either canon for him, or headcanons I want to pay more attention to on my blog.

I do not have any personal experience with any of the items I will address in this post, which means that most (if not all) of my information is gained through reading and research online. If there are items I missed out on or have described incorrectly, you may contact me about this to kindly help me figure out a new/better way to put things into words. It’s in no way my intention to upset anyone, or bring forth wrong information.

To me, it just feels like Scott is a good opportunity to improve the representation of characters and people who deal with visual impairment because the narrative that disability is binary caused that most blind characters in popular media have no vision at all. Blind characters in heroic roles like Daredevil, have powers that completely compensate for their blindness while blind people who don’t have these compensations are usually portrayed as helpless.

As a team leader and a superhero, Scott offers a good opportunity to include people who are visually impaired, yet often ignored or left out of the heroic narrative.

Needless to say, do NOT reblog this post && don’t interact with it if you’re not a RP blog.

                                             _____________________________

TABLE OF CONTENTS : 1. Scott’s brain trauma and injury 2. Scott’s PTSD during his youth 3. Symptoms and signs of PTSD for Scott 4. Scott is (legally) blind 5. Scott cannot distinguish colours 6. How Scott deals with his visual impairment 7. The X-Mansion and dealing with trauma 8. Additional notes

                                      ________________________

1. SCOTT’S BRAIN TRAUMA AND INJURY When Scott was a young boy, he went on a travel with his parents and his little brother Alex. The family’s private jet was ambushed by an alien Shi’ar scouting ship. The boys lost their parents on that unfortunate day and in the crash, Scott took a hit to the head after his mutant powers manifested for the first time and allowed Scott to break his fall and allow him and Alex to survive. The head injury Scott suffered on that day would permanently disable the part of Scott’s brain which would have enabled him to control his optic blasts. Additionally, Scott (as well as Alex) suffered traumatic amnesia regarding the accident. Unlike his brother, Scott was forced to remain hospitalized for up to a year.

As a teenager, Scott began to suffer from severe headaches and he was sent to a specialist (Mr. Sinister in disguise) who provided him with lenses made of ruby-quartz. Scott’s mutant power erupted from his eyes as an uncontrollable blast of optic force and the only means to control it ever since have been the ruby-quartz lenses Sinister gave him. Sinister knew the lenses would help due to experiments and research he had been doing on the boy while Scott lived at the orphanage where Sinister had feigned being the owner.

2. SCOTT’S POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER DURING HIS YOUTH After losing his parents and waking up alone at the hospital after the plane crash, Scott was placed in the State Home for Foundlings, an orphanage in Omaha (Nebraska) where he was subjected to batteries of tests and experiments by the orphanage’s owner, Mr. Milbury (alias, Mr. Sinister). He placed mental blocks on Scott and took on the role of ‘Lefty’, who was Scott’s roommate and bully at the orphanage. During his time spent at the orphanage, Scott was subjected to several occasions which would leave him traumatized — such as the attempt of one of the other orphaned boys at taking his own life, and Scott’s failed attempt at saving him. Any time anyone came close to adopting Scott, Sinister intervened.

At some point, Scott demolished a crane with his optic blast, by accident. He had saved a crowd of people by using his blast again to destroy the crane before it would crush the people, but they believed he was out to kill them and chased the young mutant boy. Scott woke the attention of a mutant criminal who sought to use Scott’s powers in his crimes, but abused the kid when Summers refused. At that time, he had also attracted the attention of Charles Xavier who tracked down Scott and took him in as the first of his team of X-Men...

3. SYMPTOMS OF SCOTT’S PTSD — Reliving the traumatic event (during his childhood) :: as a boy, Scott was fond of airplanes and dreamed of becoming a pilot himself one day. But when he was taken to an air show by one of the orphanage’s nurses, he had a violent traumatic reaction in the middle of the show, reciting things he otherwise doesn’t consciously remember. — Negative Thoughts and Feelings :: Scott often deals with feelings of anger, guilt, fear or numbness. He’s prone to blame himself for things going wrong on missions with the X-Men. When someone comes to pass, he’s quick to take up responsibility and the blame for it, and occasionally even deals with survivor’s guilt. Scott also feels cut off from his friends and family and hardly keeps much interest for day-to-day activities. He hardly does them to relax, but rather only when they become necessary. — Avoidance :: Scott feels like he has to keep busy at all times, he doesn’t want to think or talk about anything in relation to his past, feels emotionally cut off from his feelings, struggles to express his emotions or affection towards others and thus comes across as numb and cold and very serious and occasionally does risky things which could be self-destructive or reckless. He’s often the first in line to sacrifice himself for the X-Men not only because he’s their leader, but also because he has little to no value for his own life. — Disturbed sleep and lack of sleep. — Taking risks and hypervigilance. — Intrusive thoughts. — Nightmares. — Trust issues. — “No one understands.”-mentality. — The sense of never being at peace.

4. SCOTT IS (LEGALLY) BLIND While Scott was born with perfectly normal eyesight, and perfect vision, he no longer has the ability to see without his ruby-quartz lenses ever since his optic blasts came to manifest. Only ruby-quartz can keep the optic blasts under control, meaning that any other means of vision such as regular glasses or lenses would not be of help for Scott. Scott literally can’t see without his ruby-quartz shades. Opening his eyes would prove incredibly destructive to his nearest surroundings.

Someone who is completely blind can’t see any light or form. Of the people with eye disorders, only about 15% can see nothing at all. If you’re legally blind, you can still see, just not that clearly. Normal vision is 20/20. That means you can clearly see an object 20 feet away. If you’re legally blind, your vision is 20/200 or less in your beter eye or your field of vision is less than 20 degrees.

In addition to being unable to distinguish colors due to the red tint in his glasses, they also reduce his low-light vision, which means Scott deals with low vision.

5. SCOTT CANNOT DISTINGUISH COLOURS I’m not using the term colorblindless in this post for the main reason that Google gives me too many search results in relation to racism, and I do not intend to use a term that has a double meaning that could be taken the wrong way.

Scott’s ruby-quartz lenses cause him to see the world through a veil of red. The lenses are tinted in red which alters Scott’s general, every day perception of the world. He sees the world in shades of grey, white, black and red and can no longer distinguish any other colours. Maybe rather than ‘colourblindness’, Scott deals with something alike to monochromacy. Though, Scott’s monochromacy is perhaps not of a kind that has been officially diagnosed in real life cases before.

The comics and movies rarely acknowledge Scott’s eyesight aside from him claiming to have an ‘eye condition’ as an excuse for him to wear sunglasses all the time. Scott’s adaptations to being unable to distinguish different colours would be mostly rather subtle and maybe it doesn’t inherently add onto the story a comic book or movie wants to tell, but they shouldn’t be ignored in how I wish to bring Scott in my writing...

6. HOW SCOTT DEALS WITH HIS VISUAL IMPAIRMENT — High contrast text and browser extensions for reading. — Color coding his outfits. He labels them with what color they are and organizes his closet by items that go together. — As a prodigy at billiards, Scott has a special billiards set adjusted to his specific needs. — Large prints for letters, books, digital fonts, etc. — Increased brightness on any of his devices’ screens. — Assistance from ‘self-driving’ tech when flying the Blackbird or riding his motorcycle. He knows the majority of controls through muscle memory by now. — Assistive technology to improve contrast, especially at night. — Scott owns a touch-based Rubik’s Cube. — Help from his closest friends.

7. THE X-MANSION AND DEALING WITH TRAUMA Scott and Ororo both (among others), are hyper aware of the traumas some of their students have experienced. They recognize behaviours and reactions in trauma survivors because they have been in such a position themselves as well. They made sure the school has a clear set of rules and policies on the safety and comfort of students. The school faculty received training in mental health first aid, there’s places students can retreat to when they feel anxious or suffer from power meltdown.

People like Scott, Jean and Rogue would know how to handle students who have gone through different types of abuse. As trauma survivors themselves, they’d take extra steps to reassure students who have every reason to distrust adults. They would announce themselves when approaching students from behind, maintain wide personal space bubbles and refrain from initiating physical contact such as hugs or touching students without asking them first. They see there’s no use in raising your voice to the kids, and won’t tollerate any kind of jokes about trauma. Scott is rumoured to be very strict on the rules of the house concerning mental health.

8. ADDITIONAL NOTES While Scott is aware that there is no shame in any of what he deals with every day, he still keeps it under wraps a lot. He doesn’t ever want for his visual impairment or his trauma to become his only and main personality trait other people associate with him. This is why a lot of people may not even know that he is dealing with these things on the daily. He’s very subtle about everything and only those who get to know him better may begin to see and notice things which indicate that he’s disabled. Scott has grown so adjusted to living with his disabilities that they commonly no longer cause him trouble.

The only people who know Scott is visually impaired because he told them himself are Charles (confidant and father-figure), Jean (lover, the person he maybe trusts more than anyone else), Hank (as the resident scientist), Ororo (as his fellow team leader) and Emma Frost (as his therapist).

Scott has been able to take therapy sessions with Charles during his early years, and later on with Emma Frost. Jean has also helped him an incredibly great deal on coping with his trauma and PTSD, lack of self-esteem and dealing with his emotions and expressing them more openly.

To this day, Scott still suffers from migraines and occasional moments of memory loss. His brain injury does not always allow him to maintain or store knowledge accurately. His migraines are a result of his optic blast building up surplus energy. When Scott can’t use his optic blast regularly, he will build up a surplus energy which manifests into migraines.

[quillquiver]

So I already didn't trust occam when she was bullying people for doing art wrong over a year ago and I don't trust Jess after she lied about future episodes and tried to blame it on meta writers. Like I know no one has any network connections or anything like that.

All I know is I can't think of one book, tv show, or movie that has a love confession between two big characters and then never mentions it again. I can't think of another one that had a blatant love interests with dates and a kiss and is dropped. To me that's weird. That says "something" happened. I don't know what but I know nothing can be done to change what occurred.

I do think though we should use this instance to try and make sure that CWs inclusivity isn't just tokenism. Our show is done (for now) but no other fandoms on tv in general should have to settle or deal with whatever episode 20 was. Queer characters, BIPOC, and disabled characters should have more fulfilling story arcs and we need to try and keep that message.

Yeah, for sure! My reblogging and sharing of receipts has nothing to do with my feelings re: campaigns for better representation. The CW might be the most “progressive” network in looking at the number of queer characters they have on screen, but you’re totally right, a lot are tokenism, very few are actually well fleshed-out characters, and it often feels like they understood that there’s a dedicated audience for queer content but haven’t thought about anything beyond capturing our viewership. 

I also think that this would be a great time to start talking more seriously about representation on TV--and on networks like the CW--in a more meaningful way. But I think that before we start talking to the network directly, we need to figure out what we actually want.

The problem with representation is that it’s a really nebulous concept. Good rep to me might be bad rep to you! So if we’re going to start asking for better representation, we need to be specific about what we want, and we all need to rally behind a unified message. Do we want sensitivity readers? Do we want the network to put forth a hiring initiative for projects headed by BIPOC, queer, disabled and/or woman creatives? A hiring initiative that tackles the lack of minority rep every CW writers’ room? 

Asking for things that are actionable and can be implemented into the structure of the network will guarantee us better results than vague demands about representation. At that point, it would probably be a good idea to set up a website; transparency is key, here. We’d want everyone--not just SPN fans--to understand what we’re asking for and why. I think that after all of that is done, only then would we want to start twitter campaigns, writing letters, sending in proof of cancelled subscriptions, etc. and we’d want to let people know what we were doing via our website so that if, say, we did get the network’s attention, they could go to our website and see what we were asking for. 

Like, I can’t stress how important transparency is here, and how transparency paired with a centralized platform leads to consistent messaging and, hopefully, actual results. We got a whole bunch of things trending a little while ago, but it sounded like almost no one outside the movement understood what we actually wanted. I think this was a mix of people being deliberately obtuse and not doing their research... but also just us having a fractured message from the get-go. So yeah. I realize this is probably way more than you wanted when you sent me that ask, anon, but I truly think that we could make a difference here if we went about it differently. 

[genderfluidlucifer]

Response to being asked to give  an opinion on Connie’s calout by residentevil-4

(Tw: CSAM, rape fic, incest fic, predatory behavior, racism, ableism, kink mention, nsfw mentions. Minors should probably dni.)

“Connie and I know each other irl and went to school together for 3 years, although they now live in a different state and have cut contact with me. We went to a private therapy school in Manhattan as we're both disabled and were deemed unable to attend public school. Even though we were pretty close, Connie didn't like having photos taken of them, so I don't have any selfies of the two of us; however, these are from our sophomore and senior yearbooks which at least confirms that we were in the same year at school. People who have seen Connie's selfies should be able to confirm that that is what they look like. First and foremost, Connie is not TMA. They are intersex and the two of us have discussed intersex issues both in person and online, but they are still decidedly CAFAB.” Ok so first off, I want to address this part of the callout. To be honest...was it really necessary to literally doxx Connie ehre? Because this textbook definition of doxxing. Yes Connie’s done some shitty things but I freally don’t think that what they’ve done warrants this level of doxxing. Or...even better, any doxxing. This feels like a really unnecessary breach of privacy, revealing sensitive information on Connie’s childhood that they choose to confide in you with. I really don’t agree with this aspect of the callout as it feels very invasive and bordering on stalkerish.  Btw when I say bordering on stalkerish I’m not directly calling you a stalker Bonnie. Just so we’re clear. I am not defending Connie supposedly faking being TMA. Because faking being TMA is a very serious issue. HOWEVER since I don’t know Connie irl and to be quite frank it’s none of my business what the nature of their agab is. Were not close and I’m certainly not going to like lead Connie onto thinking we’re friends just to confirm this with them because that would be creepy. So to be honest I’m going to take this part of the callout with again of salt for now.

[ID: A cropped screenshot of a numbered list Connie posted to their blog hadrosaurs in response to an ask. 

“3. I’m TMA And that’s completely irrelevant. I’m not accusing them because of their gender I didn’t even know their gender when they said that to me saying that they said that because they fucking said that and the reaction to it was incredibly alarming. Don’t fucking say that stuff to people.]

I mean I”m not a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt if you want but...I don’t see how this is really proof of Connie being deliberately transmisogynistic? Yes Connie gives iffy retellings of mistakes they’ve made in the past. I’ve seen that on their blog before and I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen. BUT here they sound genuine enough and to be honest a growing issue I’ve seen with callouts as of late is. A person confirms they in fact did not do the thing they were called out for. And then the people who make the callout choose to see it as proof of incriminating behavior anyways. To be honest it’s a big problem and it’s also incredibly unfair to the person being called out. If you’re so determined at that point to see the person as bigoted no matter what they say then of course anything they say can be seen as proof. So I’m going to have to pass on this bit of evidence. “Connie responded: “Final note: I have spoken extensively with several trans women about using TMA to describe myself. I will not be getting into discourse about that on this blog again. All that leads to is people demanding my medical records and calling me slurs. If you wanna have a thoughtful conversation about it direct message me cause it’s not happening again here.” Again this really doesn’t seem all that self incriminating. Connie mentions here that they’ve talked to rl trans woman about whether or not they can be considered TMA. Connie really doesn’t have to disclose that personal information to people for any reason. Yes even when people are e including this ask response in a callout. And considering lots of people DO get invasive about Connie’s medical history ans general personal life over matters like this? I feel their reaction is pretty understandable here. “Connie has constantly compared “exclusionists” (or anyone, really) to TERFs, even when the people in question are not transmisogynistic, trans exclusionary radfems, or are even transmisogyny affected themselves.

“ Gonna have to disagree with this part of the callout too. Lots of ace inclus blogs, even some run by trans women , have proven that the ace exclus movement was started by swerfs/terfs. But the blog that has the most evidence for this is courteousmingler on tumblr. I suggest you check out that blog’s archiving of the history of ace exclus rhetoric before rushing to call me a transmisogynist for disagreeing with this part of the callout. I looked through all of the evidence for Connie being racist and tbh as a black ndn it all feels incredibly flimsy. It’d be one thing if Connie was using their experiences to derail and invalidate the discussions about how black people are oppressed But they weren’t doing that there at all. This part of the post feels incredibly biased. And like OP is looking for things to be mad about. Going to have to pass on this list of evidence. Also uh I seem to recall that residentevil04 got called out for some questionable behavior as well. “Both me (insepsy, hi) and ezrat have had really weird spikes in activity on our Statcounters, both on the same day. (Saturday, 4/17/21) For both of us, majority of the pages looked at by these visitors have been related to or about Connie, or have been posts that Connie would find "problematic" such as the f slur untagged or something related to "panphobia"/aphobia. I’m sorry but...none of the proof of cyberstalking holds any water. Visiting someone’s blogs and rbing posts to disagree with them is not cyberstalking. Keeping tabs on urls that an abusive person who has harassed are using so you can block them (in this case with kyoshi) and warn your mutuals is not stalking. As a victim of rl stalking it’s...really weird to call this legit stalking at all. Much less claim that you have damning proof of it being stalking when no such evidence exists in the callout. Besides after Connie and nonbinarydave called out one of kyoshi’s buddies for sending a death threat hate anon to nonbinarydave’s toddler st4lker partly admitted to doing it a few times. Then other mutuals in kyoshi’s toxic social circle clearly began joining in. Making side accounts where they tried to spin a false narrative of nonbinarydave’s daughter being one of their alters (ableist as hell.) And also trying to do it in such a way that they thought would trigger nonibnarydave’s psychosis (also ableist as hell.) If you’re going to drag Connie for their mistakes and never let them move on from those mistakes then it’s only fair to do that to people you agree with who also do toxic/bigoted things. ALso the fact that your wording here suggests that you think panphobia and aphobia aren’t real makes me doubt this claim even more. Exclus and their allies are notorious for mislabeling inclus disagreeing with them as stalking. “connie said that they would release that info at a later time and the minor began to argue with them that they had a responsibility regardless of their complicated relationship with age. in this argument connie for a time kept their age ambiguous and at one point told the minor (who confirmed in a later ask that they were severely traumatized by adults) that they obviously weren’t traumatized. connie quickly deleted this ask and any mentions of it and the next post they reblogged was about how wrong it was to try and quantify or discount others’ trauma. on my old blog i @ed them in the replies and asked if they had just done that. connie admitted to it and said it was fucked up but quickly blocked + deleted my comment. i can’t remember whether or not connie apologized to the minor, they may have? but yeah. i thought that was pretty weird.”] I do agree with some of the concern here that adults shouldn’t over expose minors in discourse. I’ve been contemplating this for awhile myself. And trying to figure out how to take better steps to avoid including minors who are triggered by discourse in discourse, especially. HOWEVER I have one little issue with this addition to the callout. If that is the case then exclus and their allies need to practice this as well. You cannot ignore the fact that the reason a lot of minors are getting involved in exclus discourse is due to adult exclus and their allies forcing minors to pick a side in the discourse. Y’all are not at all exempt from this problem. I still remember an ex mutual of mine trying to convince a minor to agree that aces can’t face corrective rape. And based on how aggressive it got with me when I tried to avoid giving an opinion on the matter, I can’t imagine that it would’ve reacted better to the minor refusing to give an opinion or to the minor outright disagreed. Refusing to put these standards on exclus and their allies is both hypocritical and quite frankly very transparent. The claims about them glorifying dark topics on AO3 through their fics also seems unfortunately legit. I mean those asks of shaming people who ask their viewers to not romanticize or glorify abusive relationships in their works is very damning. I’m very disappointed to see that Connie has taken being an inclus to the point of validating antis anti culture wholeheartedly. I can’t think of much more to add to my opinion on that part of the callout. As for the issue of Connie interacting with pro shippers in the past, I do know that this claim is legit. I’ve seen it before and so has Breeze. This was why for a brief time we decided to stop following their blogs. Because it was triggering to have pro shippers put on our dash. And sometimes we just don’t feel it’s worth it to always let people we’re platforming know they’re rbing triggering stuff. So sometimes we just quietly unfollow and choose to not interact until we’re sure they’re filtering what they do and don’t rb in some way. I definitely don’t agree with that behavior. And if they’re still doing that I”ll deplatform again. “The anon asks: “A weird question but do you know any other stimboard blogs with your follow criteria? (No radfems, racists, fandom antis, etc.) I was hoping to find more through your “similar blogs” but a lot have no anti-antis for their DNI or allow truscum/transmeds and exclus. :(“

The user responds: “I know of @turtle-pond-stims, @outofangband, and @kinaesthetics! 🍂🍄" “[ID: A cropped screenshot of an ask sent by Connie from their now-deactivated blog, butch-with-a-tortoise.

Connie says: “hey anon I have safe stim blogs. dm me if you want them. And radfems/bigots aren’t allowed to interact. For my own safety (because the community is honestly terrifying) I can’t publicly say on my blogs that I’m safe for proshippers/kinky people but I try to spread word how I can.”] [ID: Screenshot of a post by evilwriter37, which reads, “I’ve been seeing posts about fandom police leaving ao3, and it’s like: Good. We don’t want you here anyway. Go find your own fanfiction site.”

The post is tagged “#Fandom #AO3 #Antis #Purity Culture” and has 87 notes. It was posted on December 21st, 2020.

There is a reply from main-to-outofangband-andothers saying: “there are Silm antis on that site who are against Russigon (Maedhros and Fingon) not because they’re cousins but because they’re both male (coded)”] [ID: A screenshot of an anonymous (though signed off as being from outofangband) ask sent to evilwriter37, which says, “Melkor and Viggo solidarity is ‘Look there’s nothing wrong with keeping my enemy chained up in my personal chambers at all times so please just focus on the war efforts and I’ll focus on the boy* in my chambers’ -@outofbangand.

*boy used figuratively @ antis”

The user responds: “Pfft!!! Hahaha! You’re absolutely right! (And Viggo does refer to Hiccup in canon as ‘my boy’).”] I can’t really say anything to refute this. Because these are all posts of Connie outright stating that they disagree with antis. And not only sympathize with anti antis but are fully against antis. Looks like very damning evidence. Although ngl I’m not entirely against kinky blogs as a whole? Just so long as they truly stay in their lane with their kink content. And don’t force it on others in any way. Or shame people who are triggered by their kinks. It is true that being entirely against kinky blogs no matter what is dipping your toes into swerf rhetoric. Tbh I’m not going to look at the rest. This is pretty much all I need to make a decision on whether or not I”ll continue platforming Connie. Though I will try to get some more  perspective from people who I interact with as well. Because I feel better about making a more definitive decision after doing that. Also in general please don’t not try to get an opinion from me on how I feel about syscourse. A lot of the claims about Connie’s age weirdness and them using their alters as a shield feel like syscourse to me. Especially if this callout was written by one or several singlets. Singlets should never be trying to judge how legit someone’s system is ever. Even if their system friends encourage them to. You can call out a horrible person with a system without trying to insinuate that they’re lying about their alters in some way. Doing otherwise is ableist ESPECIALLY if you’re a singlet. Also in general the reason I stay out of discussions of judging how someone is handling their systems is because it’s syscourse and syscourse is triggering for my system and I. If this post was an attempt to get me to give an opinion  on the validity of Connie’s system I don’t appreciate it. And I would appreciate not being dragged into such matters again, thank you.

In general there’s like a few parts of this callout that feel legit. Which is unfortunately cluttered with obvious bias and obsessive hatred of Connie. I’m not here to stan or coddle Connie. I know they are not a perfect person. Especially since no human being in the world is perfect. But I feel the way this callout was created was very sloppy since a lot of the evidence was messy at best. And some points were very hypocritical as well as there being some no true scotsman moments from OP. In acting like exclus never do any of the thing that they tried to call out Connie for. Which is behavior that I am not a fan of. This is why people need to be more careful about callouts and like make roughdrafts and have a more unbiased person helping them if they don’t feel they can do it on their own. I’m even trying to make a resolve to do better at that myself. So it’s not like I’m unwilling to put my money where my mouth is. Anyways those are all my thoughts on this messy callout. And tbh I’m not going to get too much more heavily involved in this. Because I need to focus on more immediately serious rl stuff more often, like doing what I can to get out of the hellish landscape of a house I currently am stuck in.