#i get minimum 1 a week
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it's strange to me that i get so many dms asking if i want to commission the sender. like. with all due respect that's not how it works
#i get minimum 1 a week#is it because people see that i DO commission artists?#possibly. regardless that is nooot how you market yourself.#it makes me sad/uncomfortable to have to be like ''no thank you!'' over and over :L#while we're here i just want to say my dms are for business inquiries (aka people who want to commission ME)#and friends only#i don't respond to ''hi'' messages or the like. sorry :L
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It doesn't need to be perfect it just needs to be done it doesn't need to be perfect it just needs to be done it doesn't need to be perfect it just needs to be done
#i just finished a spanish assignment that was 5% of my grade at the last fucking minute. turned it in literally 2 minutes before it closed#it was an essay. AN ESSAY. a full out researched and cited essay#and i didnt KNOW THAT#our schedule and lesson plan and etc just called it composición 1#and in previous spanish classes (all the way up through advanced spanish)#that always just meant that we would be given a random topic out of a selection of 2-3 possible topics#and we would be given an hour to just write about that topic#but this was like. you pick a topic and research it and write about it and cite your sources#if i had known that i would have started on this a WEEK ago and not AN HOUR AND A FUCKING HALF BEFORE IT WAS DUE#so it was. NOT my best work. i didnt have time to do an outline or do different drafts or proofread it or anything#i didnt even have time to fully read the articles i was citing i just kinda skimmed them#i didnt even have time to FORMAT it correctly 😭 and it was NOT the minimum required length#but. i did it. i turned it in. i turned in SOMETHING thats ALMOST as long as its supposed to be and is hopefully coherent#(and hopefully. hopefully. HOPEFULLY. has minimal grammatical errors)#and like. i would prefer an A or a B. i know i can EASILY get As on essays when i have time to do them properly#but even if its a C. or a D. or even (god forbid. doing the sign of the cross and knocking on wood and everything else here) an F#it will still be better than 0#i would rather lose 1% or 2% or even (god forbid) 3% of my class grade than a full 5%#it doesnt have to be perfect. it just has to be done. it doesnt have to be perfect. it just has to be done#it doesnt have to be perfect it just has to be done and i DID IT#now lets GO GET HIGH#rambling
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this left me a bit insane ngl
#HIS SMILE IS SO AWKTSJFSNGD😭😭💖#ARAJIN DIDN'T LEFT HIM BLEEDING ON THE FLOR LETS GOOOO🗣🗣🗣‼️‼️‼️#the bare minimum I know but THEYRE GETTING BETTER TRUST🙏🔥🔥🔥#I LOVED THIS EPISODE IT WAS SO GOOD#MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED ARAJIN DID HAD A BIT OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT#NOW IM WAITING FOR MORE ANGST WITH HIM PLEASE DESTROY HIM [affectionate]#I do think this was the end of arc 1 and we’re going to get into the juicy bits next week hopefully#this scene in particular made me regain hope of seeing Arajin and Matakara’s “friendship” get better#All I want is to see is Arajin consider Matakara his friend that’s all I ask😭#bucchigiri?!#arajin tomoshibi#matakara asamine#MaJin#AraMata#MataJin#war arc is over now start the say gex arc🔥🔥🔥#anime#live kaii reaction#kaiicore
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Hello variously irresponsible fellow losers someone please give me the mental permission to spend money on things I want because I can afford it, it makes me happy, and I’ve earned all of the money for it. Just external validation because I Earned The Fun Thing. Please.
#chaoticbuggybitchboy#I earned the money with my big kid job and it’s to spend money on fun things for bands that I like#and there’s this stupid little voice in my head saying that I need to save my money because I don’t have very much#and sure yeah I shouldn’t be spending this much a week bc this is literally how much I make a week almost#<- it’s 1 day of work and I work three days per 2 weeks#so its 1/3 of my paycheck#which is not very much#I make like 150 dollars more or less I’m making minimum wage here#but yeah anyways I can afford a 50$ purchase of little treats once a year#esp since I’ll be able to get a job when I graduate and I’ll work the whole school year too#I don’t need to sit in the corner rocking over this#but uh yeah here I am
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Applying for 50 jobs within 12 months and not getting a single offer is almost an accomplishment woah I’m so talented x
#it’s killing me j wasted the last 3 months of my life working full time unpaid (internship)#and I was like. j need to suck up this bc it’ll get me a job#and I’ve applied to 25 jobs since starting this internship and I have not succeeded in getting a job#I just want to kms I’m ngl#my current org has offered me a full time job buy for a salary that’s literally minimum wage#so. that’s pretty fucking crap#I applied to 25 jobs in the last month while working full time . like I am so exhausted#I had an interview yesterday morning literally the morning of my grandmas funeral and just got emailed now that I haven’t gotten the job#yknow? I’m just heartbroken at this point#and I still have 1 week left working this internship and there’s literally no point#I was literally a middle level manager in this current job for no pay even worker across a weekend once#and it’s literally for nothing 🤣🤣🤣#I have a masters degree !! and 4 months of full time work experience and another several years worth of working part time#it’s not like I’m one of those grads who’s never worked a day in their life#and like i know no one can get a job these days. like barely any of my friends have anything#but money is beginning to become a little terrifying. so shelving the corporate applications and time to go back to being a barista again#not that I’m even guaranteed getting a job in that.#just spent a week living with a friend in Boston who IS employed straight out of undergrad for a rly cool nonprofit#literallt living my dream yknow what that rly challenged my ability to just be happy for my friends#I just don’t know how I keep on going like this tbh
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finally did my goddamn dishes. and that wasn't all i managed to do today. fuck yeah.
had a meeting for thesis prep. bmv trip. rough plan for friday's discussion lecture. cooked dinner for the first time in like 3 weeks. read ~50 pages of academic text for 2 classes and a paper revision.
feels like i didn't do enough but. considering that yesterday i managed... going to classes and nothing else! and monday i was only capable of doing the required meetings i had, this is a pretty good day!
#it's been. a tough few weeks. i couldn't focus at all last week. only got work done on the weekend. yesterday was........ tough.#monday wasn't as rough but was equally exhausting#so! proud of myself that i got. stuff done. big stuff even!#started keeping a task/reward journal to help out too :)#so every night i'll write out some tasks that need to get done the next day#and as i finish them i check them off and give myself silly little stickers to track what i managed!#so i get like. 1 sticker per 10 pages read (bc i usually need a break every 10 or so pages rn) 1 sticker in a diff color for chores.#1 for teaching stuff (laying out a lecture plan/finishing the lecture/doing a dry run/doing the lecture) 1 for meetings etc etc#it's helping bc i have a dumbass brain that doesn't give me dopamine for completing tasks anymore#it all gets lumped into 'yeah i did the bare minimum bc that's what i need to do. that's not special-#-no reward for you! you didn't really *do* anything. just scraped bare minimum!'#turns out that's bad for you lmao to get No Rewards#so i have a journal now! so i have hard proof that shows that i've Done Shit.#and i think the last two weeks i've been 1. underfed 2. overtired and 3. on the verge of burnout#so i haven't been able to do much. but a major stressor is gone now! (the bmv trip...)#and it like. immediately lifted a veil from my brain. 0-60 in like 40 minutes flat.#i hadn't realized how stressed about that i'd even been. it was taking up so much of my brain's metaphorical CPU.#so i'm hoping tomorrow i'll be able to do what i was doing two weeks ago. just plugging along at my usual pace#instead of just barely dragging my carcass forward#so! anyway. update that was unasked for but you sure are getting#i fuckin did stuff today! fuck yeah!#it is now an hour past my bedtime i'm gonna crash tf out. bedtime. sleepytime. good night
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#SORRY im mad about my stupid college again#WHY do they require so many internhip hours??????#no wait i KNOW why. bc the chef who runs the program is EVIL AND STUPID#he literally thinks he as a chef is gods gift to this earth. he thinks CHEFS are gods gift to this earth but only if they agree with him.#however. gods gift to this earth do NOT deserve breaks. ('chefs dont get breaks' is a direct quote)#he thinks all chefs should work like dogs and SUFFER. and the industry should never change#and he loves the power of being the program head. (and most students' advisor)#and he can say im preparing you to be the best!!!!! and get away with it#and he doesnt respect pastry chefs. and guess what i am hahahah#like i know the culinary industry is toxic and most chefs are jerks. but bakeries are very different from restaurants#so i thought i could handle some jerky chefs during school and get my degree and go work in a bakery#(i can handle some jerky chefs)#the problem was that a jerky chef ran the program as if you were already working in the worst restaurant environment imaginable#and he only taught like everyone wanted to be world renown chefs of 5 star parisian restaurants that take 4 years to get a reservation#(which is crazy that he thinks hes qualified to get other people to that level but ok.)#and thats great for people who want that! but some people (me) just want a cute little bakery!#also ! its advertised as a 2 year associates program#which. is true that you'll only get an associates degree out of it#but 2 years is including summer semesters. sorry i don't think thats how that works. i think thats 3 years#2 years for people who decide to do extra and take summer semesters.#and i think the only realistic way to complete the internship hours is to take an off semester and only do the internship#so you're not doing it at the same time as classes#but that adds a minimum of 1 semester and maximum 2#or if you cram the spring and fall semesters to have summer off and do the internship during summer#summer semesters are shorter. so youd have less weeks to complete the same amount of hours#it is simply not a 2 year program for the average person!!!!!!#i was IN COLLEGE FOR 2 YEARS!!!!!! AND I ONLY TOOK 1 (ONE) PASTRY CLASS!!!!!! I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO GRADUATE!!!!!!!!!!!#and what do you MEAN you expect me to be in college for 3 years and only get an associates degree out of it. no thank you#its almost like...... an associates degree requires 2 years of schooling........ and theres too much happening in this program.......#bc the man in charge of it is power hungry and wants to control people and thinks chefs need to be beat into shape.......
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Sunday morning hike ☀️ it was so beautiful out!!
#gonna try to get more hikes in every week#bf and i are gonna aim for minimum 1 hike per week 🚶♀️#me#personal#hike#fitblr
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Should I end my tolerance break tonight or should I continue and see how long this can go on for
#full disclosure it’s only been two days#i’ll be honest kitten; daddy might have a fucking problem#look it’s not even… weed is not addictive. obviously#BUT i am not in the greatest mental state right now. i am not exactly a shining example of perfect mental health#i’m a 28 year old loser who peaked in undergrad and is a self employed freelancer BUT is too lazy to make decent money freelancing#i really need a manager breathing down my neck to get me to do the bare minimum or more consistently#i’m also super not doing well regarding 1) my dad’s deathiversary 2) my ongoing grief over mabel (yes she was a dog but if you say she was#‘just a dog’ i will come to your house and throw up in your walls DON’T DO IT. DON’T TRY IT. I LOVED HER)#and also just. the crushing weight of it all.#if i have edibles i don’t have to think about the fact i thought i’d either be dead or successful by now and instead i’m alive and mediocre#am i really supposed to freeball THIS reality. THIS ONE???#but then it’s like it creates a vicious cycle because is the weed making me unproductive or do i want the weed BECAUSE i’m unproductive#and it helps me forget that i’m a complete and utter loser. 🧐#listen i’ve gotten less done during this tolerance break than i did last week when i pretty much had a weed gummy every night#i’m not saying there’s a correlation but what i AM saying is it’s suspicious#i could continue the break until the weekend. that seems like the best plan#personal
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spent months like I need prescription for my mental health give me prescription please please & now that I have it I'm like hm. do I want to have to take meds, actually
#part of it i think is just that typical anxiety that comes before any life change like s new job or whatever but also like#despite never having TRIED stimulants im familar w them i know people w adhd who are on them i had an idea of what to expect & thats what i#i figured id be getting but shes having me try this non stimulant option first bcus 1 apparently its good for people who also have anxiety#and 2 easier to get w the like Adderall shortages & shit rn#& im like ok i have NEVER heard of this drug before and didn't even know there WERE non stimulant options options.#like im doing all my research TODAY for the first time then pick it up tomorrow?#like me heslth anxiety girl just has to be like ok sure i guess. i had mentally prepared myself for stimulants & thats it!!!#i mean worst case i just try it & see if it works or if i have side effects but like. ugh. & i dont like that i dont like my np LOL like id#probably feel less uncertain about trying something i was previously unfamiliar with if she was someone i liked & trusted more#if i knew there were unfamilar drugs they might recommend to me i probably wouldve started over & found someone new to work with. AGHHH & i#didnt discuss any of this w her bcus it took me a couple hours after our session to think abt it & do my own reading & process my emotions#to really come to thia conclusion. & also i wouldnt have wanted to talk to hwt abt this anyway bcus i dont like her & have not felt at all#like cool w opening up to her beyond the minimum i had to do for the assessment#& my therapist is sick this week so im not gonna get to talk to her tomorrow!@#texticles#anyway i know ive got fellow adhd bitches following me. anyone try guanfacine did you like it or nah
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Trying to get ahead of an unsustainability cycle that might be starting up this week,,, (I start work).
#this turned into a bit of a rant whoops#mypost#have been chilling recovering from breast reduction the last month#steadily helping my mom out around the house more and more#but neow imma be working a ~35hr week (not including commute times during rush hour rip)#starting tmr#and I’m remembering that 1) it takes me more time to shower bc I have to be careful with boobz. also I have to wash my bra every night bc da#scars can’t get infected. so the whole process of showering is connected to also washing and drying my bra and putting on lotions n such so#it takes an hour minimum#2) doing stuff for my mom… is always spontaneous and urgent and takes up more time/energy than I think#3) my mom is bad at food stuff on a personal level and that’s transferring to the household bc a lot of stuff including a) she’s hella busy#and stressed. b) the price of food 💀keeps goin up ayoo. c) she is restricting herself to only eating twice a day??? idk why????#d) she also considers a meal to be anything she throws together no matter how unbalanced/nontasty it is#e) I’m also so bad at cooking/meal prep/etc but lowkey have a Thing abt food rn and cannot eat random junk even if I’m v hungry#. all this to say: idk how to do my household duties (communicating with mom. nightly dishes. small stuff that builds) when I have a feeling#imma be hella hungry this whole week.#WAIT I FORGOT THO IMMA BE MAKING MONEYYYY 💰 💴 💵 so I can pay for lunch at work ayooo#((not thinking abt budgeting atm lol 😬. I’m fortunate enough to have a 529 plan for college so semester times are all g)#4) I’m also doing two coursera courses atm (personal finance for young adults and Good With Words) …. I will prob not be able to get much#done in these courses when I have a full week rip#5) I gotta prepare for abroad (applying for visa. dealing with large government structures 😭😭😭) and in general attend to my emails#all dis. hmm#oh and also personal upkeep: gotta order eczema lotion. gotta get in contact with doctors abt leg and jaw PT. gotta follow thru with PT.#falling behind on a productive schedule while balancing my moms needs and my needs and my long-term health/personal project stuff is gonna#be difficult…#hm#writing this out is. hm.#all g all g I am a young adult I gotta handle this stuff now 🧑#great freedom = great responsibility and all that shiz#FUCK I FORGOT I HAVE TO EXERCISE TOO FUCK!!!! DANG NABBIT
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more photo diary posts.. various life images...
#photo context/information described here in the tags since there are no longer photo captions#(from top left to right) Image 1: BIG matcha bubble tea milkshake thing I made lazily by just getting a thing of matcha#ice cream and blending it up then adding some of those bobas you make at home lol.. served in the weird giant wine glass looking thing I h#have. image 2: the moon and two stars (or planets)!! not a very good photo/barely visible but I'm suprised I was able to get anyting#at all.#image 3: one of my WiiFit game scores ghh. A PERFECT score in this game like the minimum you could possibly get though is 15 seconds so#16.9s is VERY close.. ! image 4: some of the eyes I've carved so far out of avocado pits! one of them I even embedded a gem into for#the pupil type part of the eye. I think this is my favorite thing to make so far in my experiments with avocado. I was thinking of making a#whole necklace of eyes or something.#image 5: NASTURTIUMS... MY children.. favorite flowere...#image 6&7 : some little flowers I found in someone's yard. I Just Think They're Neat#image 8: I don't even remember why I took a picture of this it's just at tiny turkey and cheese pinwheel type rolled sandwich thing#maybe because the plate is tiny?? not very notable but. I added it to the photoset when i drafted this a week ago so . keeping it#image 9: a smoothie thing of coconut ice cream and fresh strawberries with some boba#image 10: various sketches from my desk where I jsut draw absentmindedlty on the keyboard tray all the time#if I am allowed to have a white surface near me i WILL draw on it lol#photo diary#eyes tw#eye contact#idk what to tag the eyes as or if it counts since theyre not real it's just painted wood basically? let me know if it should be something#different or another tag
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Why is living so expensive
#i would like to move out to a very simple small place. surely 400 a week is a tad too high price to expect a small 1 person place.#every fucking webbed site for rent: shsred place? shared place maybe? shared place? 650 a week for 1 bedroom 1 bathroom? shared place?#im sorry minimum wage a week is 900 and you want all of that for a shitty no utilities 1 bedroom place? thats what you want? you want me to#fucking die?#im already depressed today and you want fucking 900 a week? you bastards? you fucking cunts?#lower the prices or die idc#maybe i am radical but rent shouldnt take more than half a ducjing pay check hello#personal#dont even get me started on the 4 weeks bond and 2 weeks rent advance most places want#die die die die die die die#this is why living in the city fucking sucks. tbis is why people are leaving the city you mother fuckers
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The kiosk is actually pleasant when I don’t have to be there 5 days a week for 30+ hours.
#idk if I said but I’m still working there just case the new job seems shady#unfortunately the minimum hours I can work is 12 so 1 weekend day and one day during the week after work#I asked if I could do 3 days during the week so I can weekends off sometimes#but yeah it’s actually pleasant#during the week I get there at 5:30 and gets pretty dead at the time so I’m chilling just cleaning#I wouldn’t mind doing like 4-8 a week all the time since it gets me out the house#but only having 1 day off some weeks kinda sucks so I won’t be doing this for long#mom said try to do until my probation at the new job but that ain’t until April 7th… 😬 don’t know about that#callyie chat#work shenanigans
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sketch of the vision that i had for maid day (5/10)
#tbh i should prob just do sketches like these a lot more#instead of always pushing for full color bc those take like 4-5 hrs minimum#which is bad for my back#also i only get to draw like around 1hr on weekdays now 😭😭#it will take me 1 week to finish shit#with that out of the way#rosa my beloved#hibari & rosa an unlikely duo but i still drew them#they have at least one thing in common#rosa oniyanagi#hibari kyoya#oniyanagi#khr#khr oc#oc#original character#einart
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I love the fact that I can work as hard as I can manage with a broken tooth and a dying tooth (one on each side, I've been chewing on the cavity for a year) and I still cannot save even $10 towards getting dental treatment (2 impacted wisdom teeth, + tooth broken off under the gum, + bad cavity) because I barely make enough to cover my food and board and the insane energy bill
#I'm just ranting don't mind me it's fine I am continuing to exist as usual I may delete this later bc it's a bit of a bummer to read#I prefer to keep my blogging to fun or otherwise nonserious content because it's supposed to be for decompression no real world drama here#I got into a 3 hour body language study and earned $50 so I spent that as fun money on a couple games during the Steam sale just to#take a break from the constant cycle of getting paid and then immediately saying goodbye to all but about 15 cents#(well it was 1 game Slime Rancher 2 and then 2 expansion packs one for Planet Zoo and another for Cities Skylines long play hours mileage)#I've tried to budget to buy small things like a fan or a toothbrush maybe (mine is 8yrs old and doesn't charge sometimes) but NOPE#let alone stashing away over $2000 for the amount of treatment I need given tooth extractions are $200-$500 each#I use about $50 of groceries a week ($30 USD) sometimes up to $80 if I need to buy some extra toiletries or bonuses like ham/falafel/bread#our last quarterly power bill was $1900 FOR NO REASON even for a winter one#olessan oration#the work I have is HIT/mturk type work which pays amazingly well and I am so grateful because I can't work in a traditional environment due#my inability to sleep/wake on anyone else's schedule and need for engaging work but it also means each worker is basically a contract worke#picking their own hours which is VERY HARD to stick to for me since I may also have ADHD-i but that diagnosis also costs like $2000 in Aus#so I'm doing my best fucking lmao#I have a set minimum hours I want to keep up to and move to full time but I am so exhausted by the constant background noise of#the tooth problems that I burn out very quickly#like the tooth ache isn't that bad#the tooth is actively dying but the pain isn't unbearable it just shits me off at all times#it's bearable most of the time and doesn't affect my sleep unless the temp is cold or something#it's been bad this week tho so I've gone through almost all my ibuprofen managing it#the tooth that broke off broke off earlier in the year and the gum has mostly healed over and the dead root is concealed inside my gums now#that stopped being painful in mid 2021 but when it died it was pretty bad it did stop me sleeping for a couple weeks#Christmas 2021 involved me contemplating ripping the tooth out myself lmao#the nerve eventually died seemingly without an abscess#unless I DID have an abscess but that seems extremely unlikely because abscesses are SEVERE AND HORRIBLE AND LIFE THREATENING#sometimes I can feel the tooth ligament wiggling on its own or I like flex it by accident it's so weird bc the tooth is gone so#the ligament is still holding onto the root but with way less weight#anyway I am eating my mac n cheese n veg with the side that has the missing tooth because the cavity tooth has a big bruise along the gumli#gumline which may be from overzealous brushing (I fill the tooth will temporarily filling putty and it needs to be cleaned well when the#putty falls out)
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