#i feel so done that i didn’t even get new semester anxiety haha

[o0o0thorn0o0o]

Requested by @cookieswithay. I hope it’s to your liking!

Two versions ‘cause I couldn’t decide which background colors I preferred.

[thecapricunt1616]

Promptober Day 1 👻

𝐁𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐛 (𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐛���𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐮𝐭) : You had just landed at Boston airport last night, got a rental car, and Luca drove you to the beautiful little AirBNB that was decked out in adorable Halloween decor. Of course to break in the new space you went for a few rounds as soon as you got there, and you had left your phones off since you got on the plane since neither of you wanted to be bothered, and if you didn’t see it you wouldn’t have the anxiety that came with feeling you were required to reply even though neither of you had any interest in having conversation with anyone but eachother at the moment, so none of your alarms had gone off thankfully.

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: OMG! Hello! Welcome to day 1/31 of #TheBearblrPromptober2024! I am so excited to be taking part in this! If you didn't know, this prompt list was created by my lovely, wonderful, beautiful, smart and amazing friend @carmenberzattosgf! Everyone say 'Thank you Dirty Olive Martini!' for creating such a fun list & allowing everyone to use it! Halloween is my favorite holiday out of the entire year, so I'm reporting to you from the past 👻🔮ooooooo magical time travel🔮👻 I'm queuing this alllll the way back on 9/5 🤭! Can you tell how much I love Halloween?! Haha! I will be doing TWO Posts a day this October (I'm a psycho! I know! Hence why I'm reporting to you from the past hehe)! I will be participating in #TheBearblrPromptober2024! - you can view my schedule & masterlist for this celebration right 🦇here🦇, Now- I will also be posting my own celebration at night- #TheCapricuntsKinktober2024! You can view my schedule & masterlist for that celebration right 🎃here🎃! I hope you all enjoy what I've cooked up for this upcoming month, I'm hoping to also be cooking on the asks that have been rotting away in my inbox for god knows how long in between posting, since all of Sept. was spent preparing for this celebration! Okay, I promise every authors note will not be this long - I just had to get the intro out of the way! Lastly if you'd like to be added to my taglist for either celebration, just click on the celebration links on my masterpost also linked above & comment, I will add you! Alright, without further ado- Let #TheBearblrPromptober2024 begin! oh my gosh it’s FINALLY October! I have the first 14 prompt/kinktober blurbs done. It’s gonna be a big month!! I hope I have the writing bug up my ass the whole month I have 46 more prompts to get done omfg!! 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.1k 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Fluff, Mentions of smut (no active smut) 𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐂𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐬: @/𝐒𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐤𝐚-𝐆𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐬

You and Luca had finally gotten some time off. You were currently studying law at the University of Copenhagen, and decided that you were going to take the fall semester off because you and Luca had just gotten engaged and wanted time together to plan your wedding. Luca had made his way up to head pastry chef, so in celebration Luca had surprised you with a trip to Salem to see the foliage and do other fun fall things. 

Halloween was always you and Luca’s favorite holiday. In the 3 years that you had been dating, you had always picked out cute couples costumes together, The first year, You were Fred and Daphne from Scooby doo, The next you were Lilo and Stitch, and this year you were going to be some girl called D.VA and Luca would be a guy called Soldier 76 from some video game that he was always playing when he had free time.

You weren’t so sure what it was, you just knew she wore a cute leotard that made you feel like a superhero and an adorable pink bunny rabbit she carried around, and he even ended up finding a cute bunny backpack for your costume to go with it. Halloween though, was over a week away. You had just landed at Boston airport last night, got a rental car, and Luca drove you to the beautiful little AirBNB that was decked out in adorable Halloween decor. 

Of course to break in the new space you went for a few rounds as soon as you got there, and you had left your phones off since you got on the plane since neither of you wanted to be bothered, and if you didn’t see it you wouldn’t have the anxiety that came with feeling you were required to reply even though neither of you had any interest in having conversation with anyone but eachother at the moment, so none of your alarms had gone off thankfully.

You woke up, entangled limbs and pumpkin printed sheets, cheek mushed on Lucas pec comfortably, as embarrassing as it was, a little bit of drool crusted in the corner of your mouth. What could you say? The 7 hour flight on top of 4 hours of tacked on extra traveling and then nearly 3 hours of intense hooking up with your boyfriend that had the stamina of a stallion wiped you out to say the least. 

The room was still comfortably dark, just a sliver of light peeking through the blackout velvet curtains. 

You peeled your cheek off of his warm chest,  your eyes fluttering open to see your beautiful boyfriend sleeping beneath you still. You planted a gentle, loving kiss on his collarbone, before getting up and tending to your plans you had for the morning. Your loving, wonderful fiancee had gone through all of the planning of your trip on his own, because he wanted to surprise you. He’d known you’d always wanted to go to Salem, especially around Halloween which was your two’s special holiday.

You slip on your fluffy baby pink robe, adorned with bats that he’d bought you for the trip, as well as your nightmare before Christmas slippers and pad out to the kitchen. Your first line of business was to feed your black cat, Since it was your cat together, of course he was named Salem - Who was meowing and weaving between your legs, asking for his breakfast.

“I know baby I know baby!” You coo, picking him up and kissing his fluffy head as you walked to the kitchen. After you got him all settled, you got working on the Classic English Breakfast for Luca using the groceries that you’d ordered from instacart last night. Pork breakfast sausages, poached eggs, fried mushrooms and tomatoes, black pudding, and sourdough toast with lots of english butter, which you realized costed a whopping $6 opposed to it only being 2 back home. 

Just as you were getting everything plated on the table, you heard a cough come from the bedroom “Lu?” you called, hoping his throat felt a bit better then yesterday. Luca hated flying to say the least. 

“Are you cooking” he called back with a light cough. 

“Mm breakfast is made pretty boy” you went and stood at the doorway to see Salem had made his way to cuddle up on Lucas chest. “And petting him so close isn’t gonna help that dry throat” you told him, going over and kissing his forehead gently. 

He puckered his lips for a kiss and you lean down, brushing his messy blonde tufts out of his eyes and giving him a gentle kiss. “What did you make?” He asked softly when you pulled away, taking your hand and kissing the pads of your fingers gently. 

“I made you some green tea for that airplane throat, and your favorite, classic English- cmon. Let’s go curl up on the couch and watch Goosebumps” you told him and giggle as he pulled you to lay on top of him since Salem had went off to go play with his toys 

“Mmmmm - I don’t think that’ll be enough, I think I’m in the mood for something a little sweeter” he said softly in your ear before taking the lobe between your teeth and tugging gently. 

You giggled at the way he’d been awake  for not even 10 minutes and he was already trying to get you out of your robe this morning. 

“Breakfast, then dessert, let’s go handsome” you gently played with his pretty blonde locks and he hums. 

“I guess breakfast will get cold, mm” he said and kissed the side of your face lightly. “And I can tell you if your egg poaching skills have gotten any better” he teased, pushing up the bottom of your robe and squeezing your bum between his palms, trailing his hands up to your hips.

“It will- I know what those hands are up to” you giggled as they made their way back down to cup your heat through your panties. 

“They have a mind of their own in the mornings” he said with a small smirk. You hum and leaned in, kissing him deeply just enough to make him believe that he had won this little battle that he’d started with you, before pulling away and getting up with a frisky grin.

“Well it won’t be a fair judgment of my eggs if you let them get cold, Lu!” you giggled and made your way out to the dining room, leaving him cold in bed.

“You’re gonna pay for that - we don’t have anything planned today” he chuckled as he finally got up to follow you.

Tag List: @carmenberzattosgf @daysofyellowroses @mouseymilkovich @gallaghersgal @carmybrainworms @l4long-winded @babyspiderling @southsideserendipity @djlnkaled

[trash-gobby]

Hiiiii, could I request some Nelson wright x female reader (or gn reader) in which they meet at like a house party and reader is on a totally different career path (like something creative) and nelson is justo head over heels immediately?

A Night To Remember

Pairings: Nelson Wright X AFAB!Reader

Characters: Nelson Wright, Reader, David Labraccio, Rachel Mannus, Randy Steckle, Joe Hurley, Readers Best Friend, Reader's BFF's Boyfriend, Original Characters

A/N: Sorry this took so long (I feel like I'm apologizing a lot for my long periods between posting). I got a serious case of writer's block, so I had to take breaks and keep coming back over time to look at this haha. Got it done though! Hopefully you enjoy, and thanks again for sending in this request Anon! Also as a side-note, I am the king of not proofreading because I get anxiety reading back my own writing for some reason. Don't ask me it's totally stupid, but if there are any errors please let me know.

Reader Pronouns = She/They

RATING: PG

⚠️Warning!: None.

Word Count: 4.9K

Multi-POV

You almost considered not going to the party. It wouldn’t have been the first time you skipped an event like this. You were much to interested in building your portfolio of work then socializing, especially when the new year was imminent and your graduation not long after. The long nights of mulling over your work, setting up dates for shoots, and writing papers revolving around your piece’s significance to the photographic world. 

However, your friend had begged that you attend this little get-together, stating you had barely been out of the house for most of the semester, not even for any holiday celebrations. They promised it would just be a small group of final year students from the university your attending and some of their boyfriend’s fellow doctoral students from the nearby medical science college. After declining multiple times until they begged you to come because it wouldn’t be fun without you, something you sincerely thought was untrue, you accepted.

Now you were getting of the dinky old bus, and preparing to walk the two blocks to your friends apartment. You shuddered as a shiver ran up your spine from the cold December chill. Wrapping your jacket tighter around your body, you picked up the pace, avoiding the slush which had coagulated in the potholes and dips in the sidewalk. Chicago winter was killer, sometimes you couldn’t believe you’d survived it in the shitty apartment you had. The air conditioner barely worked and the heater had crapped out, and your landlord was to lazy to come and actually fix it.

Your musing eventually lead you to the brightly lit red-brick brick house which your friend rented out, with its shabby window frames and partially broken eavestrough. They probably couldn’t afford to get their shit fixed either, you chuckled to yourself under your breath as you made your way up the stone steps to knock on the front door.

Before you could even wrap your knuckles on the wood, the door swung open and a man with short brown hair in a black coat stumbled onto the front step nearly knocking you over. He noticed you last minute and was able to pivot out of the way.

“Heh, sorry I didn’t see you there.”

“It’s alright, you just surprised me that’s all.”

“Your Y/N right?” The man said giving you a sheepish grin, which was both very charming and attractive. He clearly quite practiced at giving these looks, as his clean-cut and handsome nature gave to you.

“I’m Joe, Joe Hurley,” he extended his hand to you, “Y/F’s boyfriend mentioned you were a close friend of theirs, both in the photography course.”

“Yeah, that’s me,” You responded, taking his hand in yours and shaking.

“Who’s letting in the draft?” Y/F appeared at the door sporting a very festive looking sweater. Once they saw you standing in the doorway, they pushed past Joe, embracing you in a hug.

“I am so glad you came! I almost thought you weren’t going to make it,” They said, leading you into the house.

“Glad to know you have so much confidence in me,” You replied, earning a playful punch to the shoulder.

“I’m gonna go pick up the extra wine you asked for, since we both know Ruth and Stanley are gonna drink everyone under the table,” Joe closed the door behind him as he left, shutting out the frost and the lightly falling snow that had just begun.

“They haven’t arrived yet, but the med students are here. They showed up pretty early. Guess that’s what you expect from people who get in deeper shit then we do for being late. It’s a pretty prestigious place.” Y/F leads you into the kitchen where you can see a pretty large whole chicken baking in the oven, and an assortment of pots and pans cooking on the stove. The counters are littered with a variety of spices and veggies in various stages of being chopped up. It’s a complete mess, but you know your friends always been prone to these episodes of controlled chaos, that’s how they created their best art. That meant the food was most likely going to be divine.

“Smells good in here.”

“Thanks, I try. We’ll just have to see if it smells as good as it tastes.”

Y/F starts in on cutting some broccoli into smaller more manageable chunks with a comically large knife.

"You should head into the living room, get to know the rest of the gang here tonight," Before you could protest that you'd prefer to help out in the kitchen then mingle with a bunch of strangers, Y/F pushes a large bottle of red wine into your hands.

"Can you also bring this into the living room for the others, thank you!" once again you couldn't even get a word in edgewise. Not unusual for Y/F, who was always the more forceful of the two of you.

As you exit the kitchen, bottle in hand, you call out "By the way that sweater is ridiculous, it's not even December yet."

Taking slow steps down the narrow hallway was your way of prolonging the inevitable awkward introductions you’d have to make to a room full of strangers. You stopped in front of a framed picture sitting slightly tilted on its hinge. The photo itself made you smile, an old picture of you, Y/F, their boyfriend, and two of your high school friends. You’d all decided to go backpacking through Europe as one last adventure before heading to university, college or trades school. The memories of that trip washed over you, reminding you of the ease you used to feel around complete strangers, something you had lost with the years of relentless work keeping you away from company. Now the very idea of leaving your dorm room or the familiar confines of the photo lab made you severely anxious. You had to but that behind you, because you had decided to come and there was no going back now.

Straightening the picture frame on it’s nail, you headed to the open double doors to the living-room, pouring its orange light and jovial conversation from inside, and prepared to be an open social member of the party, for however long that lasted.

As you took your first steps into the doorway, you set your eyes upon the scene before you. Two couches sitting opposite each other in the small but cozy room, a squad wooden coffee table which was one of Y/F’s scores from when you and them would go dumpster diving, a lit fireplace, antique bookcase lining one side of the walls, an occupied worse-for-ware easy chair, and a vintage lamp which Y/F had brought back from Budapest with them. 

Even more intriguing than the familiar living-room setting was the unfamiliar group of people occupying it. Four strangers, all chatting over nearly empty glasses of wine about what you assumed from what you could hear, were the recent exams they had to taken. The first of the four to notice your appearance was the only other woman present. She had her hair tied back into a ponytail, keeping the brown curls away so you could see her face when she offered you a polite smile. As soon as the woman looked up the others also noticed you standing there quietly, you figured saying something might make it a little less awkward then standing around staring.

“Hey, I’m Y/N, Y/F’s friend, I brought some more wine,” you supplied, taking a few steps into the room and placing the bottle on the coffee table.

“Nice to meet you I’m Rachel, Randy would you move over and make room so she can sit down?” The man name Randy, moved from his seat in the center of the couch, over to one side to make room for you introducing himself as he did.

“Randy Steckle,” He held out his hand, and you shook it whilst placing yourself at a polite distance from him on the couch. Out of all the people here, he was the most smartly dressed in a tweed vest, matching trousers, and dress shirt. He made you feel very underdressed by comparison.

The man on the couch beside Rachel also took this time to introduce himself as David, who was thankfully dressed as casually as you were, making you feel like you were at least not the only one who decided a pair of work jeans and a t-shirt. If you’d known that this had been a more formal or well-dressed occasion you might have invested in something more fancy to wear, not that you owned anything fancy as a broke student. All your money had already gone to either rent, food, or back into university to cover tuition.

“Your Y/F’s friend from school right?” David added as he offered to pour the wine for everyone. An empty glass had already been supplied for you on the table, a mismatched one, but to be fair none of Y/F’s cutlery ever matched. It all came second-hand from thrift stores and antique junk stores.

“Yeah we’re in the same major, Photographic Arts & Media,” you supplied.

“Oh, that’s super cool. What’s work like in that field?”

“Lucrative depending on what kind of work you get into. You guys are all medical students right?”

“Yep, all working towards becoming surgeons,” David took a healthy sip from his glass.

“That must be pretty intense, can’t imagine rooting around in someone’s body, blood freaks me out,” you chuckled, earning a few chuckles from the others.

“I’d definitely say it’s an acquired practice,” Randy added before starting to go in more detail about the surgical specialization in more detail, with both David and Rachel adding to his little speech here and there with some little anecdotes here and there.

Sitting back and listening you could feel the passion they had for their practice despite its morbidity. A lot of the medical jargon did go over your head, and as Randy got into more detail about the exams and scheduled classes they had, the more the whole group fell into what seemed like their typical ingroup banter. It was nice to sit back and watch in pleasant silence as a group of clearly close friends chatting, laughing, and telling each other inside jokes. It reminded you of all the times you’d missed out on with Y/F and your other friends. All the nights where they'd invited you to clubs and on bar crawls that you'd traded out for long nights pouring over art history texts and working in the photo lab under its harsh red light.

However, one person in this group had been completely silent, to the point where you hadn't really registered his gaze. He was leaning far back in the easy chair, dress shirt with it's top two buttons undone, one of his feet in expensive shoes crossed over his knee.

You caught his eyes and held his gaze for a moment. Bright blue eyes, filled with a slight spark to them, whether it was curiousity or something else you weren't sure. His hair short and dirty blonde in colour, clearly he'd gotten it done professionally. He gave you a slight smile and you looked away blushing, you'd been staring for to long.

He picked up his wine glass and brought it to his lips, taking a sip before starting to say something. He was interrupted by Y/F shouting from the kitchen.

"I need an extra set of hands in here to help with this bird!"

You automatically stood preparing to get yourself out of this awkward situation, before Rachel reached out and stopped you.

"You just got here, I’ll go,” she said, coaxing you back into sitting.

“You sure? You just got your glass refilled.”

“I’ll take it with me, don’t worry about it, just relax,” Rachel, got to her feet, taking her wine with her and exited the room calling to Y/F that she was coming to help.

“I think that’s my cue for a bathroom break,” You scooched out of the way, half standing up in order to make space for Randy to get past you.

“Jeez, this is the fourth time you’ve gotten up, you have the bladder the size of a peanut,” David added as he poured himself another glass of red.

Then it was just you, David and the blonde man. There was a long pause where everyone sat in awkward silence, David drinking his wine, you making yourself familiar with thread patterns of the living-room rug. Navy green was such an ugly colour for a carpet.

“So, whats art school like?” David asked, breaking the silence.

You look up and once again you can feel the very intense gaze of the silent blonde man in the easy chair. Deciding against making anymore intense eye contact, you instead settle for looking at the peeling plaster slightly up and to the right of where David is sitting.

"It's stressful, not nearly as stressful as having to perform all your exams on cadavers kind of stressful, but it keeps me busy."

"You mentioned majoring in photo correct?"

"Photographic Arts & Media is the official title, but yes. We mostly have a mixture of hands on photo assignments, art history and a focus on working with new media," You could feel yourself starting to relax as the conversation remained focused on something you could understand and talk about, and David's polite attention was making you feel welcome on some level.

"Hands on, like what kind of projects?" It was the first words you'd heard from the man sitting in the easy chair, and you were taken aback by the smooth and pleasant sound of his voice.

"W-well, I, we," you take a moment to clear your throat and your head before continuing. "We usually have a couple assignments which revolve around various things, what they are is usually quite open when it comes to guidelines. Usually we'll pitch an idea for a project to our professor and if we're given the greenlight, we have to construct a narrative through our images and their subjects."

"Sounds a lot more open ended then anything we do," The man said leaning forward, hands on his knees giving you his full attention.

"I mean it's not surgery, but it can be pretty intense. Especially when it comes to the critiquing period, we all sit outside the photo lab and have to present our either currently in works projects or finalized projects and then we get torn a new asshole by both our profs and the class."

“Doesn’t sound that different from the reaming we get during the rounds we have to do in the surgical ward. Except you have an audience of your whole class and not just those in the same practice. I know that Y/F does things that involve a merging of collage and paint with photo. What do you do? What’s your artistic thing?”

“My artistic thing?” You laughed at his phrasing, and received in return a small smile.

“Eloquently put,” The man chuckled from behind his glass. He had nearly emptied it in the last minute you’d been having your little conversation. David just gave him a look, before shrugging and fishing around in one of the pockets in his sweater, fishing out a box of cigarettes, and a lighter.

“My 'thing' I guess, if you could call it that, is capturing real life stories of working class people. I like using old cameras, running on old film, sometimes even 16mm," You were about to continue when David flicked the lighter, sending up a small spark that died out quickly, reminding you of Todd (Y/F's boyfriend's) rigid rules about smoking in the house.

"I'm sorry you can't smoke in here, Todd's a real stickler about it. He says the smell really gets into the carpet," David examined the cigarette before thinking better of it and placing it back in the pack.

"You can smoke it outside on the front step," You added.

"I might have to do that. I've been dying to get a smoke in all day. Been to busy working. I don't want to interrupt you explanation though."

"It's no problem really, you can go smoke and I'll catch you up on everything when you come back."

"Okay, I'll be back in ten," David smiled sheepishly, looking slightly guilty about needing to take a smoke break from the conversation. He got up and waved to the man sitting in the chair before quickly walking out of the room.

It became very clear to you now that it was just you and this man who had yet to really introduce himself. For a moment there was just silence with a hint of some kind of tension in the room. You couldn't tell what this energy was, just that it made your palms sweat and you skin heat up.

The light of the fireplace gave off a warm glow that overpowered the lamp, bathing you both in a soft orange hue. It made the sharp edges of everything soft, including the man's intense stare, the quirk of his pink bow-shaped lips, the comforting sky blue of his eyes, what it would be like to brush your hands against the cleanly shaved skin on his cheeks.

God don't think about his lips! You don't even know this guy. He's attractive, sure, but you don't know who he is, what he is, or even his name. You can't possibly be thinking these thoughts right now about some strang-

"I'm Nelson by the way," the man, now with a name you could attach to his person.

"I feel rude not introducing myself properly earlier, there was just a lot of stuff going on. Although with that lot," he gestures to the doorway where everyone had exited at some point that night "it's hard to get a word in edgewise."

"It's alright, it's not like I really introduced myself to you either, I'm Y/N," you extend your hand to Nelson across the coffee table and he leans forward to take it. His hands are much softer than you expected them to be, your fingers brush over a scar on the back of one of his knuckles, the only blemish on his skin.

“Y/N, I like the sound of that name, feels like the name of someone who works in something cool like photography.”

“I mean, if you say so. I always thought it was kinda just a generic name, or at least not very artsy. Nelson sounds pretty sciencey though,” you added.

“More like the name of annoying snobby rich kid with to much time on his hands,” he chuckled before picking up his glass from the table, still leaning forward into the conversation the two of you were having.

“I wouldn’t be that cruel,” you said in response.

“I would. Have never really been a huge fan of the name Nelson, but it’s what I’m saddled with, so I make do. The work you mentioned doing, in photography. It sounds really interesting. I’ve never really heard anything like it before.”

You felt suddenly very self-conscious. The way he'd expressed such interest was not something you were used to. Constantly being surrounded in your academic life by other artists working on equally complex and sometimes even more nuanced ideas then you, made the fact that Nelson was so taken by your ideas quite charming.

"I mean it's nothing that special by comparison to what Y/F does visually with eye-capturing colours, but it feels real and visceral to get what's real on camera. I want people to really see the struggle and triumphs of everyday people. I don't want to sugar coat what happens or over-dramatize it. Everyone should see the reality of what the world is like for most working class people."

______________________________________________________________

The animated nature of them as they explained in a clearly passionate manner their inspiration for working in the photography program warmed something deep within Nelson. It reminded him of how he felt when he first entered the surgical field of study. He wished he'd still kept that passion alive like Y/N. It felt like over the years of study, he found the competition more important than the actual thrill of the learning.

The way her face lit up, and the glint in their eyes, made his heart flutter in a way that he hadn't felt since he met Rachel in the first year of their studies. He'd been taken by her passion too.

"Where is everybody?" Nelson and Y/N were startled from their conversation by Joe standing in the living-room doorway.

"I saw David smoking outside, but everyone else?"

"Rachel is helping Y/F in the kitchen, and Randy is taking an obnoxious amount of time in the washroom," Nelson didn't intend for his voice to come out as rankled as it sounded, but he really wanted to have this moment with Y/N to himself. Something about them made him feel oddly intrigued by and greedy for their attention.

"Has he been bragging about his GPA again?" Joe asked with a playful smirk on his face that made Nelson want to smack him upside the head. "He does that a lot. No seriously, I'm not kidding. A loooo-"

"She gets the point, and the answer is no," Nelson sniped back, now being purposefully rather short, but keep at least some edge of playfulness in his demeanor to cover his aggravation.

"And you'd probably also have a higher GPA if your spent more time studying and actually attending lectures than spending quality time with Susan from engineering, or was it Catherine from accounting? I can't seem to remember."

Joe mocked as if Nelson had shot him through the chest with that jab before saying; "Ouch, you really went in on that one."

Nelson was momentarily distracted along with Joe by the soft pleasant laughter from Y/N, who looked bemusedly at both of them.

"Aren't you two supposed to be friends or something?"

"Jury's out on that one," The voice of Randy called out from the hall before appearing next to Joe.

"Just so you know, we were having a really nice conversation about Y/N's future career in photography before you interrupted."

"Photography, cool. Like what kind of photography? Tasteful nude modelling?" It was said playfully, but had an edge of Joe's usual perverse humor and attitude behind it.

"Are naked women all you think about?" Randy asked, with a mixture of purturbedness and exasperation.

"Naked people, I don't discriminate."

"Jesus christ."

Before Joe could answer with a quip or witty retort the sound of Y/F yelling from the kitchen cut through the somewhat awkward and embarrassing conversation. It made Nelson feel slightly self-conscious in a way that he hadn't in a long time. His pride, ego, and ambition usually made sure he kept his cool, but not with Y/N. For some reason this person, who he'd just met, had snagged on something deep and insecure within in him.

"Dinner will be ready soon! Y/N! Please come to the kitchen, I just need a hand with table settings. Also Stanley and Ruth can't make it unfortunately,"

"So much for the wine, guess we'll have to drink it all ourselves," Joe shrugged as he said this, Y/N quickly getting up and excusing herself from the room. Nelson felt almost like getting up and following her, but remained seated. It would be creepy to just follow them around like some kind of lost puppy asking questions and needling them about her life.

"So, she's cute," Joe said leaning back into the hallway to watch her leave before fixing Nelson with a cheeky grin and wiggling his eyebrows.

"Joe," Nelson said levelly.

"Yeah."

"Please stop talking."

______________________________________________________________

The smell was mouthwatering. Y/F had really outdone themselves with the spread they'd made. Everyone had greedily gobbled down the chunky and perfectly seasoned potatoes, glistening juice chicken, the assortments of green beans, brussel sprouts and all manner of vegetables which there were clearly to much of, along with Y/F's legendary stuffing. No one was exactly sure what the full recipe was for it, just that it tasted like heaven in the form of nutty, ginger, fluffy goodness.

The conversation was just as good. Everyone laughing and carrying on. You'd fallen into the conversation quite comfortably and thought at this point that maybe going out tonight was not the worst decision you could have made after all. The good food and even better company definitely helped. Several times throughout the dinner you caught the eyes of Nelson on you, and he'd shoot you a smile that made you'd return, feeling a warmth grow in your chest.

After what seemed like endless hours of eating, talking and drinking, the plates were empty and everyone was quite full.

Y/F rose from her seat and began clearing the table methodically.

"I can help you with those," You said taking the plates from Y/F's hands and continuing around the table clearing the dishes.

"Thank you! I might also need a hand in the kitchen from you and someone else, I hate asking but.."

"I'll help," Nelson raised his hand, getting up from his seat smoothly as not to seem like he was rushing to help.

Y/F ushered him into the kitchen to start on washing the pots and pans while you worked on clearing the table, and they prepared desert.

Once you'd precariously balanced all the dishes on your arms, you slowly made your way to the kitchen entryway. A part of you was strangely excited to have this new person to yourself. Nelson had only really gotten to speak to you alone briefly, but those few minutes were still circling around in your mind, replaying all evening.

As you entered the kitchen Y/F rushed to help you unload the some of the dishes from your arms while thanking you and Nelson profusely for helping with the undertaking.

Set up in the kitchen, you set to helping with the drying and placing of plates back into their designated drawers. Both of you fell into a gentle rhythm of cleaning for a couple minutes, silently working side by side. This close to him, you could smell the slight scent of whatever shampoo he used and a very faint undertone of antiseptic. He must have been working rounds before coming here. It made you wonder why he would want to help with dishes while probably having already have to be on his feet for hours during work.

"You look a little tired, you sure you don't want me to just do the rest on my own?" You suggested lightly.

"No, no it's fine. I don't mind doing dishes, it gives me something mundane to focus on for a while." Nelson handed you a plate at an awkward angle as he said this, causing you to accidentally place your hand over his while taking hold of the dish.

"Sorry, Sorry, my bad," just the touch of his hand sent a spark of something exciting through you. It was such as unexpected jolt of raw attraction that you tried to not drop the dish in your hands, making you smooth recovery look as natural as possible.

"You alright there?" he chuckled in response to your fumbling, something smug about the look on his face.

"Just fine, fine."

"We never did get to finish our conversation from earlier."

"The one where I was nerding out about my personal photographic art style or whatever? I was honestly just rambling." Nelson turns to look at you fully for a moment, his eye contact intense, capturing you off-guard and lighting a small fire inside you.

"I thought what you were talking about sounded really interesting, and something I would love to see when you have your own showing in a gallery one day," you look down to break the intense eye contact, hoping that your blushing would be less obvious.

"Hah, it's definitely a dream of mine to have a showing in a gallery, but I'm a long way from that."

"Not too long I'm guessing."

"That's very kind to say. The only thing close to a gallery that I'll be doing is a section in a gallery-style presentation we're putting on at the university to showcase our thesis projects once they've been completed." Together you had nearly made it to the bottom of the pile of dishes together.

"If your really interested it will be hosted in April. I'd love to see you there," Nelson looked over to you again, having passed the last dish, removing the dish gloves and leaning against the counter.

"I'd love to see that, you should give me more of the details over coffee sometime, where we can talk in a less chaotic setting." Now you absolutely knew for sure he was flirting. Though it hadn't been exactly subtle before, with his intense interested and eye contact.

So why not?

"I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."

The smile on his face was priceless, something between a smirk and a bashful smile. There had been a lot of little looks exchanged by the two of you throughout the night, and you hoped there would be even more to share in the future. Over coffee or maybe lunch.

As Y/F called you both back into the dining room, all you could think was how you were so glad you'd decided to come to dinner that night. It had been one of the best choices you could have made, and you had a feeling you wouldn't regret it.

[roggenmuhme]

Exam Season

The Diamonds x Reader Summary: As the semester draws to an end, finals are approaching and you struggle to balance studying and your relationship with the Diamonds. Wordcount: 4.3k More than open to criticism; this is my first time writing in years and I’m ESL, so I’ll take everything I can get.Feel free to chat me up on discord and on here … I'm happy to exchange sketches and wips, I got plenty! imbutahumblefarmer#5583 "You guys, I'm fine!"

It was your third time saying this exact same sentence while White Diamond strained herself to take up the whole screen in front of you. 

Coupled with an awkward laugh, everyone would have figured out that you were lying by now. Everyone except for the Diamonds, of course.

They were a strange trio; completely unrecognizable from when you first had met them. In the place of the terrifying space dictators who had tried to squish you like a bug at Garnet's wedding were now three socially inept women with too much free time and nothing to do. 

And they were endearing in their own way. Just like now.

An exasperated sigh could be heard through the connection, the screen whisked away by large, yellow hands. (White's stunned gasp was pointedly ignored, however.)

Yellow Diamond's face appeared in full on your little gemtech tablet, a curious Blue peeking over her shoulder. Her features were rough as always, one could be quick to assume that she was bored, but you knew better. 

By the way her eyes narrowed, she didn't buy your shtick at all. A cool, calculated gaze met yours and you prepared yourself for the scolding that was about to come.

"... If you say so", her answer sounded oddly clipped, even for her. 

Letting out a deep breath, you tried your best to smile at her and you could feel how fake it looked. Yellow just blinked at you, a hand leisurely supporting her cheek.

"Haha, yeah", you said in another attempt to calm them. They barely understood what university was, and if they caught wind of you being miserable, they would come and flatten your faculty. Or something. You didn’t want to deal with that. “It’s all over in two weeks, then I can come over… if I pass, that is”, you mumbled the last part under your breath, mentally freaking out a little. Only two weeks left … it felt like forever and nothing at all at the same time. “Two weeks?! That’s so long!”, White’s whine sounded off-screen, prompting Yellow and Blue to give her curt look, Yellow’s face contorting for a split second. “Are you serious?”, you had to suppress the laugh that bubbled in your throat. Whatever they did, they always put you in a better mood, intentionally or not. “You guys are thousands of years old, this should be like a minute for you, theoretically.” Yellow blinked at you again, her full attention shifting back to you. “We are aware. But every moment without you is torture.” This time, you laughed for real. Despite Yellow’s deadpan, she could be the cheesiest one of them at any given time. “Guys…!”

“Oh, but it’s true!”, Blue’s soft brogue interrupted your fussing. Yellow turned the device to face her, giving you two a moment. “You know we love you”, she smiled at you. You could feel yourself melting at the sight. “I miss you, I really do. I’ll get Steven to warp me to you immediately after the last exam, I promise.” It was the most you could do and it would already complicate things. But you couldn’t stand to see them like this. This seemed to be enough for Blue at least. She gazed at you in silence for a moment and nodded. With a flurry of colors, your eyes were burned by White’s pouting face again. “If you must, but not a second longer!” You sighed, grinning at her. “Of course.” A gaze at your wrist watch nearly made you recoil in horror. It was way too late already and you still had to do some revisions on unit 23! “Anyways, I really have to sleep now. Y’know, my organic needs and all...” You were a bad liar, but it did the trick on White. She looked like a moping child after their toy had been taken away. She made the most disappointed, dramatic noise while pushing the device from her to give you a look at the others. Blue gave you a little wave, still smiling sweetly. “Okay guys, I’ll call you the day after tomorrow, alright?” They nodded in unison, biding their goodbyes. Before you could switch your screen off, Yellow opened her mouth for one last message. “If anyone is giving you trouble, tell us.” With a hasty bow of your head and one last wave, you pressed the off button, your room now considerably darker again.

Your wrist watch beeped. Back to work.

Nervously tapping your pencil on an old worksheet, you tried to figure out a way how to solve the problem - you didn’t understand it back when you discussed it in class and you still didn’t understand it now. Your wrist watch gave a short beep, your signal to call the Diamonds in fifteen minutes. The break was more than welcome, maybe thinking about something else would give you a fresh eye. Tugging at your hair with a hairbrush, you hummed absentmindedly. You hadn’t really done anything today or yesterday that was worth reporting, but that never stopped the diamond’s from calling you. They simply did the talking themselves. Checking your appearance one last time in the mirror, you gave yourself a satisfied nod. Your eye bags had seen better days, but there was nothing you could do about it right now. Your thoughts were interrupted by a sudden, stark white light coming from your window. Turning your head comically slow to the source, you had a gut feeling who this could be. One of White Diamond’s eyes peaked excitedly into your studio apartment. It widened when you gave a hesitant wave. Your gut was right. “Hello, starlight!”, her voice was loud, too loud for 10 pm on a weekday. If the sudden arrival of three giant aliens didn’t get you in trouble, this would. When you didn’t answer, she brought a nail to the glass, impatiently tapping it. You were lucky it didn’t shatter on impact. “Darling”, she sang. “Come out, we came all the way to see you!” You had to shake yourself out of the trance you were in - you knew how clingy and protective they were, but this was new. Making your way to your window, you could already hear the noise rising in your neighbor’s apartment. Great. You just hoped they wouldn’t terminate your lease for this. When you finally opened the window, White’s massive hand plucked from the ground and plopped you into her other one. Indeed, all three stood in your parking lot, now hunched over to get a better look at you. “Hi guys”, you squealed, straining your neck to meet their eyes. Three faces beamed back at you, their total lack of situational awareness really showing. “Instead of calling you, we decided to visit you instead! A nice surprise, isn’t it?”, proclaimed White proudly as if she had just solved all of mankind’s problems single handedly.  Blue and Yellow nodded enthusiastically next to her. You probably should be mad, but how could you? “Look, I really appreciate this”, you sighed. “But we really have to go somewhere else - people are already waking up. And it might get me in trouble.” That got you a collective ‘oh’ out of them. “Where is the ship anyway?”

You didn’t know how they managed it, but they had found an empty space large enough for the leg-less space giant. Apparently, they had walked the rest of the way and without damaging anything at that. You felt a little proud. The mental image still made you chuckle. “Okay guys, why did you come in person?”, you crossed your arms, while they sat around you in White’s head. “I thought we had a deal - I call you every 48 hours, you stay on Homeworld.” Blue and White evaded your eyes at your scolding tone, but Yellow held your gaze steadily. 

"It was fairly obvious that you were not well at all despite your insistence otherwise",  she offered her hand for you to climb on, and you did. "You have to take care of yourself, you are very fragile."

Now it was your turn to avoid her stare, feeling guilty. She was right, but you just didn't have the time. There was so much material to go through, so much to memorize. What could sleeping two hours less a night do? It was only for a short period of time, anyway.

And even if you struggled with anxiety and exhaustion, you didn't want to burden them. It was bad enough that you were gone for the semester, telling them how you really felt would be overkill. 

But now the jig was up. You should have known that Yellow was an expert when it came to observation and you had probably hurt them even more with your lie.

"I'm so sorry", it was like someone had opened the valve and now you were pathetically blubbering. "I just… didn't want to worry you, is all."

Seeing your distress, Blue immediately pulled closer to you, a tentative finger rubbing the crown of your head. 

"Little one, you know you can tell us everything. We care for you and want to help you", she cooed at you, shooting you a smile.

"You organics are so weak to stress, apply a little pressure and - poof - you just break", declared White, a finger up in the air to call attention to her great wisdom.

The stroking on your head stopped abruptly, replaced by shaking. 

"Don't… say that", Blue voice was trembling, clearly on the verge of crying. As if on cue, you and Yellow scrambled to console her.

 "Don't worry, I'll be fine. It's just a little difficult right now", you turned to her, smiling.

"She is an excellent specimen and very durable, Blue", Yellow's tone was a bit more pragmatic, but honest. It was also a nice compliment, coming from her.

"Yes, this isn't the first time I'm dealing with exams", you reached out to pat her finger. "It's going to be okay, even if I don't pass."

"... really?", Blue looked at you with big, questioning eyes. "Please don't lie, you know I couldn't stand to see you - "

A shuddering breath followed. "Stars, I can't even say it."

You were scooped up by her hands and pressed against her soft cheek. 

They were all experts in dramatics, but Blue was especially sensitive when it came to your mortality. The first time you had explained your lifespan and the many ways one could die to her in detail, you weren't allowed to leave her for a week. She had known how short human lives were, but this! Unacceptable.

She even made you eat nothing but mush during those seven days, too afraid of this 'choking'. 

In the end, you talked her out of it. But it was a big factor when it came to your living situation. They wanted to spend every moment with you, savoring your presence. 

You tried to reciprocate the cuddling by embracing her as best as you could. She let out a soft sigh, holding you a little closer. After a minute of silent embracing, she reluctantly put you back in Yellow’s hand. “We’re always there for you, no matter what”, she told you in a gentle tone, the other two nodding in agreement. “If you need me to talk to one of these organics, darling, don’t hesitate to tell me!”, exclaimed White, a smile stretching her cheeks in the most unnatural way. A mental image of her hunched over one of your professors in their office made you a little… uneasy. “Thank you, but I can do that myself”, you laughed nervously. White didn’t look too satisfied with your answer, but seemed to accept it.

“And if it becomes too much, you’re always welcome to move in with us”, added Blue, making you flush. It wasn’t the first time you got that offer, but it was just too sweet. “M-maybe in a couple of years”, you stammered, which earned you a grumble from them. You coughed, feeling a little awkward to change the topic so suddenly. “Ehm, thank you guys - I don’t want to be rude, but I have to get back to studying pretty soon.” “But it’s already dark outside! Isn’t that when humans sleep - oh”, Blue said, suddenly struck by an epiphany. “Oh no, we kept you from sleeping!” You shook your head vehemently. “No, no, we don’t go to sleep the second it gets dark, guys. I think I might have explained this to you before. But I still have some stuff to do.” Of course it was White who interrupted the stunned silence first. “You don’t have a little more time for us? We came all the way...” Yellow joined in, her voice a little louder than anticipated. “Can’t you study here? With us?” “Guys, you can’t just park your ship here - without asking anyone - and keep it in this place for days! I’m gonna get in trouble”, you panicked a little at the thought. The only spot where this gigantic humanoid vessel could be placed was Beach City. Nobody would call the police or worse, the government, over this. “So you have to leave,” this hurt more to say than you’d like to admit. “Or you have to go to Steven, if you want to stay.” All three of them pulled incredibly sad faces, and Blue was close to crying again. You would be lying if it didn’t pull at your heart-strings. “We’re here to make sure you take care of yourself, spark. You’re packing your things and then we’ll stay at Steven’s house and help you study”, Yellow nearly shouted at you. It wasn’t malicious, just her expressing her genuine concern. A relic of times now gone. You thought about it for a second - you could take your books with you, as well as your laptop and notes. Classes were over for now, you only had to attend the exams in two weeks. Technically, you could do it. And with the look they were giving you and all their efforts to make you feel better, you agreed. How could you say no to your giant space ladies? Especially when they were bending over backwards to comfort you. Steven was even more surprised to see the four of you two hours later. You had texted him on the way, but it had been left unread. The Diamonds didn’t really care for announcing their visits, but even this was a bit sudden. After White had explained everything to him, he simply slinked back to bed, planning on discussing the logistics of the situation in the morning. You were allowed to sleep on the couch, but not without the protest of the Diamonds. You loved falling asleep with them around, though regarding the circumstances they would probably dote on you until you were wide awake. They also tended to fight over who got to be the one you would sleep on, and you didn’t have the nerves for that right now. When you left the beach house the next morning, you were greeted with the sight of the three of them practically camping in front of the deck. They had missed you that much, it seemed. 

“Good morning, guys!”

You were greeted by various nicknames and excited faces, White the first one to scoop you up. Behind your back, Steven groaned in his cup. “So, what have you planned, darling?”, her voice was chipper as ever, her bright eyes burning your retinas. Maybe Steven was right and it was just a little too early, but no take-backs now. “About that...”, you scratched your cheek in slight discomfort. “I have to study the whole day.” White’s fell immediately, clearly stunned. “I told you yesterday - I have things to do, but you can keep me company. Maybe even help me?” She blinked at you once, the gears in her head clearly turning. Then she gave you an eye-watering smile. “Whatever this studying is, we’ll help you!” You groaned internally. How many times had you explained it to her already?

 It went better than you initially expected. The weather outside was nice and warm, the beach calm enough to simply set up a little picnic blanket with your books and notes. (You left your laptop inside, not wanting to get sand into it.) Surrounded by three (surprisingly silent) giant figures watching your every move, you got to work. It was a little awkward at first, but you fell  into a routine soon enough. Each of them had her own unique way of helping you; Blue would simply nod and smile when you tried to regurgitate the material to her, White would go on a tangent whenever she recognized something you were talking about, earning her a warning glare from Yellow. Yellow herself would try to quiz you on whatever notes you had pulled up on your gemtech tablet (they were surprisingly resistant to sand). It quickly became one of the most successful days so far, you were impressed. Being with them kept you grounded, they were like a calming aura to keep your anxiety at bay. And they were extremely helpful. It was almost comical, you had to admit. At the end of the day, you were finally able to pack up your books and enjoy the evening with them. It felt good to know that you had managed to get so much done today. You were strangely at ease, their presence strengthening you. You did worry however, that this routine might get boring for them - it wasn’t like the nice things you did usually, it wasn’t playful, entertaining or relaxing. You didn’t want to force them into staying with you, you didn’t want to bore them. With a sigh you shouldered your tote bag, still too caught up in your head. Your sudden shift in mood didn’t go unnoticed. “Little one, are you alright?”, Blue crouched down next to you, her soft eyes glowing in the dusk, her form crowding you in shade. 

You looked up to her, a little unsure on how to word your feelings.

"It's just", you opened and closed the fist around your bag straps. "Did you enjoy today? Was it dull? I-I still have two weeks to go and it's gonna stay the same, pretty much."

She sighed, her tense shoulders slacking. 

"We enjoy your company", she gave you a smile. "We haven't spent time with each other in such a long time, starlight. If we were able to accompany every second of your life, we would."

She offered you a hand and you happily jumped on it, a little flustered at her words. They were so serious, so heartfelt. Sometimes you did forget that they were older than civilization on earth, that they would outlive you by eons. 

"Thank you, Blue", you peered up at her, a relieved smile appearing on your face. "Your company helps me so much, you know? It would mean the world to me if you stayed with me until the exam."

Luckily for you, Steven had given you permission to stay on the beach - you were also allowed to sleep on the couch, but you knew you'd have to stay with the Diamonds. It was the least you could do to pay them back, even if it was just this little thing. 

And this was exactly how you spent the last days leading up to your finals, either sprawled on the picnic blanket on the beach, sitting on the deck with your laptop or, when the weather didn't allow it, lounging on the couch or on the ship. You were surrounded by Blue, Yellow and White at all times, each of them trying her best to help you with the material. They kept you on track, making sure you didn't procrastinate too much (even if that meant less cuddles) and nipped any self-doubts you had in the bud. 

Even as the date got dangerously close, they still patiently calmed you down. When your panic got too bad, one of them made sure to keep you close, either putting you into her lap or patting your head. At night, they talked to you until you fell asleep and woke you up better than your little phone alarm could ever do. You knew that even if you didn't pass, it wouldn't be the end of the world. 

Still, you were an anxious mess when the first exam rolled around, your mind a thousand miles away as you got ready to go to uni and to give it your all. Not even the Diamonds were able to calm you down, but you knew you just had to get it done and over with. The week was a blur, days blending into each other, your head always buried in a book. You were lucky that they had stayed behind with Steven, only calling you at the end of the day. While the fussing had been helpful beforehand, now it would only hinder you. 

Before you could really settle into a routine, finals were over, leaving you with a weird emptiness and a restless feeling. Now all you had to do was wait for the results, a special kind of torture in itself. 

The Diamonds noticed how absent you were, but no amount of well-meaning words could shake your nervousness. You didn't mean to cause them any further stress, but it was tough to keep your mind off things.

When the results were finally posted online, your heart threatened to burst out of your chest, your mouth dry and your hands shaking. You knew there was nothing you could do now, but the thought of weeks of studying going to waste was nearly unbearable. A dozen scenarios ran through your head, not one overly positive. 

Once the browser had pulled up your account, the answer was a simple click away. You had to steel yourself by gripping the edge of the table - the Diamonds were waiting outside impatiently, you knew they would lose it if they saw you like this. 

With one last breath, you closed your eyes and did what had to be done.

The page was on full display in a matter of milliseconds, your eyes frantically searching for the right column, moving erratically up and down. 

Finally you found what you were looking for: you had passed. In a moment of disbelief, you reread the page again, but it was there in tiny black letters.

It was like someone had knocked all the air out of you with a single hit, your heart wasn't done with beating fast, but at least some of the nervousness slowly dissipated.

The realization took a while to settle in as you deflated in your seat like beach ball slowly losing air. You stared at the wall, a smile cautiously spreading on your face as if you were afraid that too much joy would nullify your results. But after a solid minute, not even your stress-addled mind fog could hold you back from jumping out of your seat in joy.

Busting through the door, you cheered loudly while you ran across the deck, immediately focusing all attention on you. Steven had distracted the Diamonds to give you some time and space, but at the sound of your happy shouting they instantly turned around, faces unsure for a second.

You raced through the sand, arms in the air, relieved laughter pouring out of your mouth like a steady stream. It was probably not the most flattering or mature look, but you couldn't care less. 

"I passed!", with one last cry you came to a grinding halt in front of them, only to jump up into the air. "I did it! Ha!"

 Blue's face was the first to soften into a tender smile, her expression clearly full of pride, followed by White who looked at you in excitement. 

Yellow only blinked at you for a moment before she erupted in delighted laughter and scooped you up without a word, her eyes beaming with glee. It was rare for her to lose her composure like this, but that made it all the more sweet. You shot back the biggest grin you could manage, positively vibrating in her palm.

"We're so proud of you, little one", Blue's voice came out as a gentle sigh, stress falling off her back you didn't even know she had felt. It made you stop for a moment, finally grasping how your situation had affected them and how much they cared for you. 

You teared up in an instant, the sudden change of feelings giving you whiplash, your heart suddenly bubbling with love and gratefulness. It was unbelievable how lucky you were, you realized.

At the sight of your sniffling face, Yellow brought you closer to her, her eyes full of warmth. It was as if she was shielding you from the others for just a moment of privacy.

"No reason to cry, spark", her tone was as soft as the look she gave you and did exactly the opposite: you couldn't help but let some tears slip down your cheeks, babbling about how happy you were to have passed and to be with them, while she smiled at you in slight amusement.

The moment was interrupted by an awkward Steven coughing not-so-subtly into his fist. 

"Okay, I’ll, uh, leave you guys to it?", his voice reached a clumsy high, he clearly felt like he was disturbing something. 

The Diamonds didn't really notice however, they just happily sent him off and turned their attention back to you. You were showered in affection and soft words, they were genuinely happy for you and even more ecstatic to have you all for themselves for a couple of weeks. As you listened to White ramble on and on about what she had planned for you during this break, you felt the pressure lift itself from you. All this stress had been worth it and now you were rewarded with all the love you could ever ask for. You knew that this was where you belonged.

[lesbianlovelanguage]

hey tay! how about: situation #28, sentence #15, person(people) steve/billy 😊 thank you!

Hi bb!!! Sorry this took forever, it just kind of kept going haha. 

Enjoy! 28. Love Confession and 15. “If you think I don’t have feelings for you, you’re dumber than I though.” (I also added college!au because why not?) 

--

Billy had thought moving to college would have meant freedom from Hawkins, from his dad, from the memories of a certain kiss in the dark. He had packed his camaro and never looked back as he sped out of that shit hole town. It wasn’t until he was unpacking his couple of boxes that it finally hit him. He had done it. He was out.

Then he walked into his second college class, Forensic Science 101, and spotted that damn head of perfectly styled gravity defying hair, and met wide brown eyes. They stared at each other for a whole minute before Steve was tugged away by some spunky looking blonde with a jean jacket that was more patches than denim. 

Billy watched them take a seat towards the front of the hall, and then deliberately made his way to the back. He hoped that this would be the only incident of bumping into an old face, but when had he ever had that much luck? 

The second item listed in the syllabus, written in bold 12 point times new roman, was a group project due at the end of the semester, and the professor just had to announce that they were assigning partners by last name. When the list was projected up Billy could have screamed. 

Of course.

Of fucking course, on his first day of college, when he thought he was finally safe and free from Hawkins and all that came with it, he had to get paired up with King Steve for a fucking semester-long assignment. 

By the end of class, Billy’s pencil was chewed to bits and his anxiety was through the roof. The bell caught him off guard, and as the rest of his classmates were filing out of the hall, he was slowly packing up. It wasn’t until he picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder that he saw Harrington waiting at the end of the aisle Billy was in. He looked equally nervous, bottom lip red and puffy from biting it. Billy started thinking about other ways he could make Steve’s lips look like that, thoughts steering to Tina’s graduation party and a shady corner in the backyard. Before he could dig himself too deep of a hole, a soft cough brought him back to reality. 

“So, I guess we’re partners?” Harrington asked hesitantly.

Billy just replied with a grunt and pushed past Harrington to leave the lecture hall. He didn’t have time for Harrington’s ridicule and judgemental looks. But before he could ditch him, Billy felt a hand grab his jacket sleeve and tug him backwards, prompting him to spin around and face Harrington again.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Harrington,” he growled. Harrington dropped his hand as if he had been burned. 

“Jeez, sorry. Who pissed in your cheerios, Hargrove?”

“Piss off.” Billy started walking away again, until Harrington jumped in front of him.

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry. We do need to work on this project together though.”

“Yeah? Well we haven’t even gotten an assignment sheet yet,” Billy shrugged. Steve dug into his bag and pulled out a thick packet. 

“Um, hate to be the bearer of bad news Billy boy, but we actually did?”

“Fine. We can figure out some time to meet and go over this stupid project.” 

“Great! I was thinking three times a week? at like 6?”

“Mmm, ‘fraid not Princess. Once a week, on Thursdays, at 7. Meet in the library. Final offer.” 

“Jesus,” Harrington said, “You really haven’t changed. Still the same asshole who’s too good for anyone?”

“No, Princess. Just too good for you,” and with those parting words, Billy pushed past Harrington and snached the packet out of his hands. He heard Harrington squawk in protest, but before he could pull another stunt to stall his departure, Billy was ducking out the door and striding through the quad.

And thus, their schedule was set. Billy successfully avoided Harrinton in the classroom by sneaking in at the last minute and sitting in the very back in order to be one of the first out with the bell. During their study sessions, Billy remained quiet and aloof, responding to all of Harrinton’s questions with biting cynicism and witty insults. He finally stopped trying four weeks in, and now they simply met, put a couple hours into their project, and then left. 

This lasted until the second to last meeting they had. The Thursday after Thanksgiving break found the two boys in the library like every other Thursday of the semester. They were going over every detail, reviewing their conclusions, and finalizing their presentation for next Friday. 

Billy was packing up his stuff, getting ready to go home when he heard Harrington clear his throat.

“Hargrove, wait. I-I uh, I can’t make it next week.” Billy froze.

“Harrington, are you kidding? We present the next day, what the hell?” Billy couldn’t believe it. All semester Harrington had been riding his ass about being on time to their stupid little meet ups, and now he wanted to just ditch it right before the end? 

“I’ve got another commitment,” Harrington said, and Billy noticed his ears were bright red. That’s when it hit him. 

“Oh, I see.” Billy felt a downright nasty smirk take over. “King Steve’s got a date huh? Tell me Stevie, is she another Wheeler bitch, or is she the spunky blonde you’re always with? What’s your type these days Pretty Boy?”

“Fuck off Hargrove. God, why are you such a dick all the time?” Harrington complained, sounding every part the spoiled brat he was. 

“Just part of the charm, Princess.” The smirk only got bigger, started to resemble a sneer with the way his lip curled up and his teeth showed.

‘Never let them see you hurt.’ he thought, feeling jealousy pool in his stomach. 

“So who is it Pretty Boy? Ice queen or punk band reject?” Billy sneered. 

“It-it’s not a date.” 

“Oh, please. You’re redder than a fucking tomatoe. C’mon Harrington, what’s a little gossip between pals?”

“We are not friends,” Harrington growled, finally reaching the end of his patience, “and if you refused to answer my questions after Tina’s party, I don’t see why I have to answer any of yours.” Harrington crossed his arms and pursed his lips.

“What the absolute fuck are you talking about Harrington? You didn’t ask me shit after that night.”“Yeah, because you never let me!” Steve practically shouted. He quieted down after a sharp glare from the pruny old librarian behind the desk. “You practically disappeared after that night.”

“Yeah, because I already knew what you were going to say, and I didn’t need that shit from some bumpkin fuck right before I got to leave that tiny shit town.” Billy leaned forward as he practically spit the last words, getting up into Harrington’s blank face.

“Oh, if you’re so smart, what was I going to say Billy?” Harrington seemed unmoved by Billy’s presence, only scrunching up his nose a little and shifting his shoulders.

“Fuck this. I don’t need your interrogation now. Enjoy your date, and just make sure your fucking essay is finished.” Billy adjusted the strap of his bag, and pushed past Harrington to leave him behind. Unlike their first collegiate interaction, Harrington didn’t follow. Billy made it all the way out of the library and around the corner before having to stop and take a few deep breaths. He didn’t know how, but Harrington had the innate ability to get under Billy’s skin. Ever since that Halloween party, where he gave Billy one glance over and moved on to follow some prissy looking ice princess. 

After some deep breaths, the urge to punch something slowly faded to a simmer, at least enough to make his way back to his dorm. 

Monday came, and with it Forensic Sciences 101. He pulled the usual routine of coming in late, only to find a certain mop of brown hair sitting in his usual seat. Billy made the educated decision to tuck tail and beat it. There wasn’t an attendance policy anyway, skilling wouldn’t hurt.

Using that logic, he also skipped Wednesday’s lecture just to be safe. He decided to use the time to study for another final coming up, and headed to the library. He was deep in the zone, reading about the historical significance of guinea pigs in ancient South American culture when suddenly his textbook was ripped away from him.

He jerked up to see who the thief was. Standing before him was the same blonde that hung around Harrington so often, and she looked pissed.

“Can I help you?” Billy asked, raising an eyebrow and staring her down. She didn’t even flinch as they suddenly ended up in a silent staring match. After a few tense moments, she suddenly smiled and plopped down in the seat next to him. 

“Name’s Robin. You’re Billy Hargrove right?”

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” 

“Okay, listen. I’m friends with Steve, basically his only friend on campus,” she said with an exaggerated eye roll, “and I’m here to tell you to talk to him, please. The little pining sulky thing he’s got going on was cute at first, but now it’s just kind of sad and annoying, so whatever happened between you two? I don't care, just fix it.”

 “And what makes you so sure it’s me he’s pining over or whatever? It’s probably that chic he has a date with tomorrow.” Billy leaned back in his chair, trying to feign nonchalance.

“Because,” she stretched out the word, “Dingus abandoned me during Forensics to sit in the back, even though his eyesight is terrible, all because he knew a certain blond always sat in the back. And then when you ditched, he was silent for like, an hour.” 

“Yeah? Wow. Real compelling evidence you got there chief. Unfortunately, I’ve known Harrington for longer and I know that’s not the case. There’s nothing going on between us.” Billy shrugged his shoulders. “Now can I please have my textbook back?”

“Not until you agree to talk to him,” she fired back.

“Oh yeah, I’d love to have that discussion.”

“What, big tough guy like you scared of what a dingus has to say? What’s got your panties in a twist Billy Joel?”

“None of your business. Now scram.”

“Nope,” she said, popping the p. “I need my best friend back. Besides, don’t you guys have a presentation on Friday? I can guarantee unless you two talk whatever out, he’s gonna be practically useless.”

“You don’t even know what’s going on!” His volume began to raise, only to be lowered again in the face of the librarian. He leaned closer to Robin instead. “You don’t know what you’re asking for. It's. Not. Happening.” 

“Fine. I guess it’s not what I’m thinking. After all, what do I, a lesbian from a tiny town in rural Illinois, know about mutual gay pining?” She said, leaning in to Billy too. They were practically bumping heads at this point, exchanging harsh whispers. But, as the term ‘mutual gay pining’ came out of her mouth, Billy squinted his eyes and smirked menacingly. 

“I see. You’re just some dyke who’s projecting her failed love life onto her bff in hopes of not being so lonely. Guess what buttercup? You’re dead fucking wrong. So fuck off, and go draw more tits on your shoes.” Robin leaned back in mock offense, before matching Billy with her own wicked smile.

“Oh okay. First off, fuck you, but I’m going to let it go because I know you probably have some deep seeded internalized bullshit. I had to help Steve through the same shit this semester. You’re from Hawkins too right?” One manicured eyebrow popped up, before she continued on her tirade. “Secondly, I’m never wrong. I saw the way you straight up stared at his lips that first day. Fantasizing about what it would be like to kiss him? Real no homo of you.”

“Are you done?” Billy asked, preparing to pack up and piss off. He didn’t need this shit, he had too many finals coming up. 

“Sure, if you’re ready to talk to Steve?”

“For the last time, take your psychoanalytical routine and fuck off.”

“Fine, whatever. Enjoy your pining anguish and ruined project.” She stood up, and prepared to turn away, before shooting over her shoulder, “By the way, I’m not sad or lonely. I actually have a girlfriend cause I’m not a pussy.” With that, she walked away, leaving Billy floundering for a scathing retort and coming up empty handed. He huffed and settled into his seat again to study, but suddenly he couldn’t focus on the guinea pigs. Sighing, he packed up and went to eat dinner.

Over the next two days, Billy tried to go about business as usual, but found himself staring off into space a lot more, Robin’s words echoing in his ears. Finally, Friday came about and Billy had to face the music. Or at least Harrington.

He got to the hall 30 minutes early, in order to sort his papers and double check all of his notecards were in the right order. Apparently, Harrington had the same idea, because he was already seated in the second row, head bent in concentration as he fussed over a stack of papers. 

Billy walked down the aisle, hands in his pockets. When he reached the row where Harrington sat, he cleared his throat. When Harrington’s head shot up in surprise, Billy was taken aback for a moment by the positions they found themselves in, reversed from that first day. 

Billy’s eyes flicked downwards before he shuffled through the seats and flopped down into the seat next to Harrington. 

“I uh, I got my papers. Gimme a sec, and we can put them all together.” His voice came out rougher than he intended, quiet so as to not break the hush an empty lecture hall seemed to require. 

“Okay.” Harrington’s voice was equally as soft. Billy began rifling through his bag to pull out the folder containing his portion of the project, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see Harrington squirm nervously, bouncing his leg and chewing at his thumbnail. Robin’s words came back to him, “he’ll be practically useless.” 

Billy pulled out the folder and sighed as he turned to Harrington. Here goes nothing. 

“How was your date yesterday?” he asked, wincing a little at his choice of conversation starter.

“I told you, it wasn’t a date,” Harrington snapped, continuing to bounce his leg rapidly. 

“Fine, fine. How was your commitment?”

“Fine,” Harrington said, clipped. They lapsed into another bout of tense silence.

A few minutes passed before Steve finally broke.

“What did you think I was going to say to you?” he asked, but he resolutely didn’t look at Billy. He chose instead to focus on his hands as he picked at his cuticles.

“Oh, okay. I guess.” He paused to clear his throat. “I guess you were looking for me to say it was an accident, a drunk mistake or whatever. Didn’t need to get rejected in person when I knew it was coming anyway.” 

Suddenly, Harrington burst out laughing. It wasn’t very long, but just enough to piss off Billy.

“What’s so funny Harrington?”

“You thought I was going to reject you?”

“Yeah. Brush it off as a drunken mishap and go back to fucking ice princess or whoever.”

“Oh my god, Billy.” His first name rang in his ears. It was the first time he could remember Harrin-Steve calling him by it. “If you think I don’t feel anything for you, then you’re more stupid than I thought.” Steve’s voice carried the boisterous laugh until it began to dwindle into quiet timidness as Billy just sat there, blinking, before shooting up. 

“See you’re already insult- wait, what?” He faltered, and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“I said, if you think I don’t feel anything for you, if you think I regret it or brushed off what happened as some drunk mistake, you’re more stupid than I thought.” Steve said, the last part holding a light teasing tone.

“You... but… you’re…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“I’m not what? Not gay?” He paused before reaching out to gently offer his hand. “I’m not. I’m bisexual? I think? Robin’s better with the terms or what not, but um, basically I like both?” 

Billy sat down heavily before hesitantly grasping Steve’s outreached hand. 

“I guess that makes sense, but you really like me?”

“Yeah. I mean, you are an asshole, but I also saw how you were with Max and El, and even Will sometimes. You have a soft side, er. Well, softer.” Billy cracked a smile.

“I like you too Pretty Boy. Have since that one Halloween.”

“God, we’re dumbasses, huh?” Steve moaned. “Robin's going to hold this over me forever.” 

“I think she’s just going to be happy we’re not ‘mutually pining dinguses’ anymore.” Steve snorted, before looking up and squinting at Billy.

“Wait. Did she talk to you?”

“Yeah, she cornered me in the library Wednesday. You know, she kind of reminds me of a pitbull, all protective of you.”

“Yeah. I’m still gonna chew her ass. I told her specifically not to talk to you!” Before Steve could go into a full on tirade against his best friend, other classmates began to trickle in. Steve and Billy dropped hands and faced forward, prepping for their presentation again. However, just before the professor officially began class, Billy leaned over and whispered in Steve’s ear.

“You know anywhere we can talk after class? Privately.” He emphasized the last word, blowing a little puff of air, and watching Steve shiver.

“Yeah, yeah. I, uh, I have an apartment,” he stuttered.

“Perfect.” 

-

Hope y’all liked it! As always, my askbox is always open to prompts, it might just take a minute to get them out.

[purplesurveys]

1159

survey by -egocentricity-

Describe the last time you...

Went swimming: It was in Nasugbu with Angela, Sofie, and Gab nearly a couple of years ago. We wanted to go to a nearby beach before the semester started, so we planned the trip at the last minute and literally just right after we enrolled for our classes.

Went on a date: It was at BGC at this nice, romantic French restaurant. Then as we headed back to the car we spotted a jazz bar that had a live band performing, so we took a detour there to have drinks and nachos.

Were hurt by someone you love: My mom says a lot of hurtful things all the time I’ve stopped keeping track of them and letting them affect me too much, but I’m sure she’s done it recently.

Did something nice for yourself: I got myself a night lamp to improve the ambience in my room and make it feel even more homey. The lamp I had before it was just something I borrowed from my parents and it had white light, so it didn’t feel the most calming. The one I have right now emits this soft yellow shade that makes me feel infinitely more relaxed.

Did something nice for someone else: I ordered KFC at like 1 AM last Wednesday because I was feeling hungry and there was nothing at home that could meet my cravings, and aside from getting orders for my parents I also got a Zinger for my delivery driver as a way to thank him and lift his spirits for working that late into the night.

Were injured: I always sport some sort of scratch or gash somewhere on my body these days from playing with Cooper. This morning I got a new wound on one of my knuckles since he was pulling on his leash way too hard when I was walking him.

Went to the hospital: I had to take blood and urine tests last May to figure out what was wrong with me since I had been sick for a week by that point. That was also during the peak of the pandemic, so there was a lot of anxiety about me catching Covid. It turned out to be a UTI, and even though that technically sucks the whole family was relieved it wasn’t Covid.

Understood something that previously confused you: I had my dad explain to me how buying and bidding for houses works. Hahaha I am sooooo not equipped to be a fully-functioning adult.

Faked sick to get out of going to class: I don’t think I ever did this. If I had wanted to skip class, I just skipped it.

Hung out with your friends: I went to Perfy’s with 7 friends shortly before it shut down for good as a result of the pandemic. We had some beer and bar chow, and to be completely frank it felt quite nice to have that one night where things felt normal again, as ignorant as it was. We vaped until we were dizzy and some of them smoked too much that the smell ended up clinging to me and my clothes, but luckily I got home when my whole family was already in their rooms so no one was able to smell me.

Met someone new: There’s this girl who recently got onboarded to one of our client brands and we started working with her about a week or two ago. She’s honestly been a bit over the place, but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because she’s fairly new at a particularly hectic time in her workplace. My first impression of her was that she gave such a strong UP vibe so I looked her up on Facebook, and it turns out we went to the same college and the same high school.

Did something that you were afraid to do: A couple of months ago I had a one-on-one video call organized by the CEO of my employer so that she could get to know me better. She was super nice and listened attentively to my answers to all her questions, but it was easy to tell she wanted to see what I could bring to the table and how well I could mesh with the team especially since I’ve never met her and everyone else in person, so I made sure my social game was maxed out for those 15 minutes haha.

Did something you promised you would never do: I vaped literally half an hour ago. I never expected to form a habit out of it especially after being vehemently against any form of smoking for most of my life. Not particularly proud of it but then again I’m here for a good time and not a long time lmao.

Regretted something: Lazada had this huge app-wide sale last week and their Hydro Flasks were like ₱600 cheaper, but I didn’t buy it because I was feeling stingy that day haha. Now the products are back to their normal price and they’ll probably never get to be that cheap again :( There’s another sale happening tomorrow but the discounts aren’t as big, but I’ll probably place an order this time.

Went shopping: I went to H&M last January to get Andi a late Christmas present. I asked Leigh what they would appreciate as a gift, and she told me they’d wanted to start experimenting with feminine clothes so I got them a nice black skirt and this really elegant dress (that I honestly wanted for myself). I heard they cried once they opened the paper bag, and making people cry with the gifts you get them will always be one of the best feelings ever haha.

Asked someone out/were asked out: Idk, it was 5 years ago and nothing I want to remember anymore.

Broke up with someone: I’ve never broken up with someone.

Had someone break up with you: It was terrible and the stuff of all my nightmares combined, and it happened in the middle of an already-shitty month to boot so I had little hope for myself to come out of it alive. I had everything planned and ironed out and all that was left was for me to leave. 

It’s been 7 months and I’ve never felt emotionally and mentally better and healthier.

Were heartbroken: I follow this animal rescue NGO on Facebook and they regularly post about dogs who’ve lived through awful situations and need urgent care and forever homes to live in. Fortunately the page has a wide reach and regularly gets support, and I try to donate to their bank account as often as I can.

You were angry with someone: Haven’t directed my anger towards anyone in a while.

You felt "in love" with someone: It was during the time I was still reeling over the breakup and was caught in an endless loop of still being in love with them and forcing myself to finally detach.

You wanted something unrealistic: I was at the rooftop this morning and I could feel the temperature getting warmer every hour, and when I finally couldn’t tolerate the heat and was forced to go back indoors I felt super annoyed because all I want is to live somewhere with a chilly climate all-year round hahaha UGH

You made someone angry: It was when I spilled a tiny drop of soup onto the dining table and my mom had a complete meltdown about it. After 89457843957 years of her getting mad at First World Problems I wasn’t intimidated by her anymore, but it still irked me at how something so little can piss her off so I just decided not to speak a word for the rest of the night.

You made someone's day: I hope I made my delivery driver’s night when I got him his burger as a surprise. I hold so much respect and appreciation for them considering they’ve been working very hard to get people’s goods to their doorsteps in the midst of a global pandemic.

Tried something new: When I bought my lamp it was the first time I got something to decorate my room. I usually spend all my money on food, so that was a nice change to try out.

Tried your best: I always try my best at work and to make each day more improved than the last.

Didn't try at all: A couple of nights ago I asked my dad to light up my scented candle and he challenged me to try lighting up a matchstick by myself for once. I was all primed and ready to go, but backed out at the last second :(( I told him there was a big chance I could freak out, drop the lit matchstick. and set something in the dining room (where we were) on fire, and that’s when he gave up and just lit it up himself hahaha

Got nothing for your efforts: I’d gladly refer you to my big waste of a 6-year relationship.

Had a serious talk with someone: I always have deep conversations with Andi and they’ve been about various topics over the last few months.

Told someone how you really feel: It was when Bea scheduled a quick one-on-one catch-up call with me to check up on how I was doing with work and if I was doing okay with the everyday craziness of it all. But I didn’t say anything grave; I just told her I honestly like the work we do and that it’s nice that it keeps me excited everyday, so there’s little to complain about.

Hid what you felt from someone: One of my co-workers, Denise, is honestly a little challenging to work with. I always have to pick up after her and remind her of stuff we need to do together, and even Bea has let a few comments slide between us about how difficult she can be. But considering I’m a lot newer than her and we’ve never met each other I’ve stayed quiet for now.

Took something that didn't belong to you: I got the matchbox from my parents’ room to ask one of them to light up the aforementioned scented candle I have.

Borrowed something from someone: I borrowed one of my sister’s cords the other evening to charge my vape pen.

Lost a game: This was when my orgmates and I played a couple Jeopardy games over Zoom about a month ago and I lost to Robin.

Won a game: Not sure, I don’t really play a lot of games.

Told someone you love him/her: Jo, after she shared that she tested positive for Covid.

Went on vacation: It’s been a year and a half and the world has changed a lot since then, but my family and I went to Tagaytay and Cavite for a quick weekend getaway; it was Tagaytay on Saturday then we drove to another hotel in Cavite the next day. We played Heads Up, ate Jelly Belly jellybeans, had a lot of nice food, took some walks, but then I also had to work on a Powerpoint in between because I had a presentation that was due that Monday lol.

Went on a roadtrip: Last January we drove to Tagaytay (again) for my dad’s 50th birthday. Before heading to our accommodation we had brunch at La Creperie where we happened to be seated beside Larry Gadon – bleck – and his wife. Then we headed to the condo unit where we stayed the night at, ordered a samgyupsal set, and I watched GMM’s Let’s Talk About That into the night until I fell asleep.

Flew on a plane: That would be over two years ago and it was during our vacation to Bicol. That also marks the last time I ever spoke a word to my brother, because on our way home my family got into a heated argument and he ended up slapping me in the face. I don’t tolerate physical acts of violence, and especially not from someone younger than me, so I was more than glad to cut ties with him moving forward.

Were annoyed with a family member: My mom is politically incorrect 24/7, and it grinds my gears 24/7.

Took something too far: Idk, maybe cutting off ties with Gab. A part of me wanted to reconnect at some point, once I’ve healed; but I’ve reached a point in my life where that doesn’t seem so necessary anymore. Life just works funnily sometimes, I guess. I haven’t completely cut her off; we’re still mutuals on Twitter (though she also never uses it so it barely counts), and also still Facebook friends (though I’ve unfollowed her and I’ve also blacklisted her from seeing my posts – thank god for that feature), so now it’s really just a matter of pressing some buttons and finally disconnecting for good.

Gave up too soon: I wanted to learn riding a bike during the early days of the pandemic last year, but I gave up after like two days of being unsuccessful.

Listened to a band you had not heard before: I started exploring some of BTS’ music earlier this week after weeks of just knowing Dynamite.

Judged someone: Some of the bloggers that I regularly correspond with for work, and who’ve recently added me on Facebook, have opinions I don’t necessarily agree with.

Asked a "stupid question": I ask a lot of newbie questions at work that maybe some people would consider dumb, but I’d rather get answers to do my work correctly than take guesses and end up doing the wrong thing.

Got "a stupid answer": Not sure.

Took a picture of something/someone: I recently took a photo of my work desk setup so I could show off my new pretty lamp, hahaha.

Told a lie: I told my mom my Hydro Flask is still with Angela and that I should be getting it soon, but I really lost it a few years ago and would have to buy a new one.

Told the truth: Idk I tell the truth all the time.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[alightwhendarknessfell]

I'm sorry I'm even asking you this, but I've reached a point in my life where I'm just sort of lost and don't know where else to go. I've been diagnosed with add when I was around 7 or 8 and have never felt like the diagnosis fit me. I just never find both memes and other people with adhd to be even remotely relatable in regards of how they experience their diagnosis. I even took ritalin for a month when I was around 9 or 10 and it was the worst thing ever for me. But now I'm 23 and at uni 1/x

and just cannot seem to be able to focus on anything and I think it might be my depression and anxiety, since I usually have no trouble focusing on anything really. That being said, I cannot seem to focus on anything and my performance is drastically dropping. The next available place at a psychologist/psychiatrist is around may or june, but that will be too late to save this semester. I know you’re not a healthcare professional, and I definitely don’t want to ask you for a diagnosis or 2/x

medical advice or anything along those lines, but do you maybe have some input on what might work to maybe help me focus on the work I have to do? I’m just really lost and don’t know what to do right now. Also sorry for spaming your inbox and thank you for listening (even though you have no real choice here haha sorry) 3/3

Reply: I’m so sorry you’re going through that, I feel for you so much. ADHD/ADD can present differently in different people, and even varies based on sex/age. However, most of the time even if someone is diagnosed as a kid with ADHD they require a new diagnosis in adulthood. It is possible you were misdiagnosed as a kid or ADHD is not what is causing your problems now. Unfortunately, the wait times to get into a psychiatrist are normally pretty long like you said. Here’s what I would suggest you try and do while you wait to get in to see a psychiatrist (and obviously, like you said I’m not a health care provider/doctor so this is coming from my own personal experience and my limited knowledge of mental illness, and obviously is not a substitute for that.)

Most schools have free psychological services for students. They can normally get you in quickly to see a therapist or student health provider. They can also help you with contacting the right people at your school about your performance.  This is a good first step because they will be able to quickly help you. 

It’s possible that you could be dealing with depression/anxiety both of which can cause a lack of focus and difficulty in school. This could be in combination with ADHD or not, that’s something your doctor would have to diagnose. 

ADHD/ADD can present in many ways, not everyone has trouble focusing as their main symptom. 

Ritalin is only one treatment option for ADHD. Drugs work differently for adults than they do children so you may want to speak to your doctor about other options (Adderall, Vyvanse, Mydayis, Concerta, Strattera, etc.) I found that the right ADHD medication actually greatly improved my anxiety but it took a lot of trial and error. There are stimulants and non-stimulant options available. It is also possible to add an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety to your medications. Talk to your doctor about what you’ve tried in the past and what they might suggest. 

Reach out to family/friends and let them know you’re struggling. This is one of the biggest things because depression can get really dark, really fast. If you are at all afraid that you may hurt yourself or others, please seek help immediately. There is no shame in reaching out for help. 

For your schoolwork, it might be possible to get temporary accommodations for testing or extensions on due dates. That would be coordinated through your school’s disability office. Student health should be able to give you information on that. 

Talk to your professors if you feel comfortable doing so, you’d be surprised how many might be willing to give you an extension on due dates or let you re-do something you didn’t do well on. Explain to them your situation, the worst that can happen is they say no. When I was going through a hard time my junior year of college all my professors were very good about letting me have more time on assignments or forgiving tardiness/absences. 

If worse comes to worst, most universities allow students to do a ‘medical withdraw’, talk with your advisor/student services about that but basically, you can withdraw from the semester (and save your GPA) due to mental/physical health problems. It might put you behind on graduation by a semester but I had a friend who did that and she ended up being just fine. The most important thing is your mental and physical well-being. Schoolwork can be made up or done later. 

Make an appointment as early as you can with the psychiatrist, your regular doctor/student health might be able to prescribe you medication in the meantime so make an appointment with your regular doctor too. You can also ask for the psychiatric office to contact you if they have any cancellations and could get you in sooner. 

As far as other things you can do, try to get enough sleep; at least 7-8 hours, if you can go outside and be active (jogging, walking, etc). Physical activity and sunlight do help anxiety/depression. Make sure you’re eating enough and getting proper nutrients, cut down on caffeine/energy drinks/coffee to help anxiety, practice some mindfulness/meditation/yoga if you find that helpful, do something that makes you feel good whether that’s art, talking to friends, writing, reading, etc. 

The biggest piece of advice is to give yourself permission to ‘not be okay’. If you’re not performing your best in school that is okay, it’s okay to focus on your health right now. Do not guilt yourself for not being on your ‘A’ game. The past year has been incredibly hard with COVID, lock-downs, and sociopolitical instability. We’ve experienced a very traumatizing year and you’re not alone in struggling with mental health. 

I hope that helps, and I’m sending you tons of love and support. I hope you’re able to see someone soon who can help you with what you’re going through. <3 

[hellishvu]

P e a c h y; ˚✧₊⁎

☆彡 where two college cliches fall in love with the same person and learn how to love.

— actually so excited to write this, i really like to write poly because it’s so cute akcksk it’s like triple the fluff!! if you haven’t read the beginning of these two cliches, i recommend so!! click this *･link *･ and read namjoon’s imagine! thank you all so much for 280 followers it was just not long ago i had 200. thank u really wrote this on a bus/airport don’t recommend only having 30 minutes of sleep.

“Okay so we ask him out-” Jimin and Namjoon was sitting down on the ground, the sleepovers that were common espically during semester breaks. Where Namjoon brings cheese in a can and eats it with Jimin till the sun rise, while Jimin plays romantic anime movies that they end up crying over.

“We?” Namjoon raised an eyebrow seeing Jimin open and close his mouth trying to frame his next sentence right. Namjoon laughs while Jimin looks side to side joining along the laughter once the coast was clear.

“Yeah so you ask him out.” Jimin explains, showing a ripped piece of paper on top of his chemistry textbook that he paid way too much money for.

“I mean I wouldn’t mind if we-” Namjoon says testing the waters of an idea he’s had in his head for quite a while but never had the right timing.

“I mean I still can’t believe he has a nipple piercing... I am right? Haha...” Jimin when things get awkward he always goes to the nipple piercing, I mean holy shit you had one.

The crush developed when he saw you shirtless he had some butterflies in his stomach. Jimin of course hid it (as best as he could) seeing you become a regular member of their friend group. You coming everyday at them, meeting up with them, and always caring about the smallest things even if others would ignore it. You were there for Jimin and Namjoon. Soon enough their friend group of just Namjoon and Jimin turned to Namjoon, Jimin, and You. The population now turning to 3.

There’s been moments where Jimin and Namjoon end up sleeping in the same bed, the feelings of maybe this more than just a friendship bubbles up in them. Turning heads towards eachother, inches from eachothers face till one of them (usually Jimin) presses his lips against his, Namjoon hums in satisfaction, while they kiss more and more of course they’ve never gone further than that because by the morning the moment just never happened. Both of them thinking the same exact thought “I can’t do this I like Y/N.” Mutually agreeing to put it to the end even if it always happens again, maybe the next day or the next months.

“Okay, so I’ll leave you two here. While I pretend to get pizza, mostly likely will actually get pizza.” Jimin draws a very sketchy map writing down how long he should be gone for Namjoon to make his move.

“Can’t you stay?” Namjoon looks up into Jimin’s starry eyes, Jimin tilting his head gently smiling.

“You want me to stay?” Jimin awed,with a gentle voice. Namjoon holding his hand, #homofriends.

“Yes, what if he kills me?” Namjoon says with serious intent in his eyes before breaking character laughing again. Jimin rubbing his hair for playing around.

Their laughter was suddenly stopped, when the knocks on the door was heard. Namjoon felt the cheese in a can rise up from his stomach. Feeling the anxiety rise while Jimin felt his palms sweat. They both pointed at the door wanting one of them to open the door.

“You do it!” Namjoon whisper screams while hiding under a blanket. Jimin jumping on top of him hearing Namjoon groan out.

“Hey Jimin? Namjoon? Are you guys there?” They heard on the other side of the front door. Jimin gets off while Namjoon lifts the blanket off of him. They both get up opening the door seeing you in your hoodie, sweatpants, and all. You held up a glass of wine and some glasses that have cats with a party hat.

“Eh? Eh!” You showed off the glass seeing them both trying to get a smile from either of them.

“I wanted to do something special! It’s our first sleepover!” You walked inside, Jimin and Namjoon getting out of your way before you trample them.

“We don’t really drink.” Namjoon says sitting in the counter while you place it next to him. You looking at your phone making sure you were right on time because these two were acting odd.

“It’s because Namjoon is a light weight.” Jimin leans against the fridge, while Namjoon jumps off the counter, embarrassed.

“Well, I did bring tea, I assumed he was.” You chuckled seeing Namjoon raise his head walking away, snobby.

“We can pop it open later, it’s too early.” You looked out of the kitchen window seeing the sun barely setting, Jimin jumping on Namjoon’s back as an apology.

“Sometimes I think you two are a couple.” You pointed a finger at Namjoon then Jimin doing a heart sign with your hands.

“Wh— Us? A couple? Haha never... never.” Namjoon pushes Jimin off of his back while they both straighten their clothes out.

“You never know.” Jimin winked towards you, Namjoon pushing him but stopped seeing your face of interest.

“Let’s just drink the wine.” Namjoon suggests grabbing the bottle, opening it before chugging some.

“Woah Namjoon, it’s barely 8pm.” You proclaimed not realizing you guys were going to get drunk so early. Jimin signaled him to pass the bottle, the left over taste of Namjoon’s lips.

Drink after drink and sharing playful stories of stupid nights and very ridiculous choices. Laughter fills the home while Namjoon takes it all in, you two make him so happy. Like he could forever live in this moment, wants to capture in his memory so he can always go back at it. Namjoon couldn’t possibly like two people at the same time but he couldn’t decide one even if he was held at gun point.

You were always there for him, wether he wanted to study for a exam or he needed a hug you were on your way all the time. Dropping every single thing that day to make sure he was okay. Jimin he saw everything from his worst moments to his best moments, they couldn’t be far apart without feeling a part of them gone. Jimin smelt like a coffee house where the beans were just roasted, the smell reminded him of home and all things cozy while you smelt like a field of beautiful wild flowers that filled his nostrils that made him want to live freely.

“Earth to Namjoon? Are you okay?” Jimin asks completely snapping Namjoon out of staring into outer space, you placed a hand around his shoulder Namjoon getting goose bumps from your touch looking into your eyes.

“I can’t do this.” Namjoon stood up running up the stairs closing the door of the bathroom, leaving you and Jimin in the dust. You two looked at eachother asking eachother what you two could have possibly done.

“Namjoon. Open the door.” Namjoon heard you knocking and Jimin talking. He knew Jimin never knocked that hard so he just assumed it was you.

“Was it something we did?” You asked, knocking more gently not wanting to scare the poor man inside the bathrooom.

“No of course not, I just can’t.” Namjoon sat down his back against the door, sighing into his hands. This wasn’t a good idea and if he said nothing or said everything he was going to have to meet the eyes of the ones he loves.

“Can I ask if it’s about statue?” Jimin asks, knowing statue is your code name. You looked at Jimin quirking an eyebrow not knowing who this statue is.

“Who’s statue?”

“Yes and no! Jimin it’s complicated and I don’t want to lose either of you and I’m just really new to this whole thing.”

“What thing are you talking about? You can tell us you know that Joon.”

“I like you both, so much.. that it hurts me. I don’t like you just as friends but as lovers. I can’t imagine my life without either of you and I know you guys probably don’t want to do poly but if you could give it a chance?” Namjoon confesses opening his soul, making up the faces of you and Jimin. Imagining your reaction and if it goes well he imagines how you two would all cuddle and share kisses.

“Yeah, of course Joon. I would love to. I realized that it isn’t a bad thing to love two people at the same time. That as long as it’s consensual it’s love.” You said placing your hand on the door trying to give a signal to Namjoon that it was okay to open the door.

“Namjoon, I’ve had a crush on you but I was so confused because I like Y/N too but I couldn’t shake off my feelings for you. You’re my everything.” Jimin sincerely says seeing the door open to an almost crying Namjoon. He hugged both of you, trying to hold on his sobs.

“You two are literally angels.” Namjoon muffled sounds as he gave you two kisses on cheeks.

When Namjoon woke up he couldn’t believe his eyes, you and Jimin cuddling him. Namjoon felt the cozy feeling in his heart wanting to stay in this position for his entire life. You groaning when Namjoon got up pulling him back down causing him to giggle.

“We have to get up.. it’s 10.” Namjoon caressing your cheek when you fluttered your eyelashes. He got back up stretching when he saw Jimin yawning laying on Namjoon’s lap not wanting to get out of bed. The warm morning as you three got up sharing clothes for the new day. Namjoon wearing your hoodie while you wore Jimin’s long sleeve shirt lastly Jimin wearing Namjoon’s pizza shirt.

“You two are pretty.” Jimin says seeing you two make breakfast. Jimin admiring you both while the smell of fresh pancakes fills his nose.

“Thank you baby.” Namjoon blushes flipping a pancake while you put more of the pancake batter on the pan. Jimin putting his hands around Namjoon’s hips swavying him back and forth a little.

“Baby that’s a new.” Jimin pecking Namjoon, you surprised that they just kissed on the first 12 hours of being together.

“We’ve made out before Y/N.” Jimin kisses Y/N’s cheek pointing at the empty pan waiting for another pancake to create.

“Gasp and you didn’t invite me?” You bringing Jimin’s closer by having your finger under his chin. Jimin raising an eyebrow a sly grin appearing on his face.

“We are not having sex in the kitchen!” Namjoon flips your overspilled pancakes seeing you were too occupied by Jimin’s plump lips. One side of the pancake ended up burnt but Jimin ate it with a smile anyway.

“Thank god we had this sleepover during semester break! Now I get to spend all my days with my favorites.” Namjoon sipping on his green tea, the little amount of whip cream that is on the top of his lips. You passing the maple syrup to Jimin.

“How will I operate in class when I just want to kiss you two?” You wipe off the whip cream off his lips, licking the excess on your finger.

“Can’t believe this all started when you spilled jam on your shirt.” Jimin playing with his fork pointing it right at you.

“Oh and not because he has a nipple piercing?” Namjoon takes another big sip seeing Jimin rapidly look at him trying to hide his blush from you.

“Maybe that had to do with it.” Jimin getting up from his chair grabbing all of your plates setting them down the sink.

“How do we do our first kiss?” You ask turning your chair towards Jimin who is cleaning the dirty plate. Namjoon also wondering gets up already looking for his chapstick.

“Do we all like smush our faces together and hope for the best?” Namjoon stands up from the table, pushing his chair in leaning on you while you wrap your hand around his waist.

It took planning shockingly. Jimin writing down who kisses who and basically you all exchange kisses, Namjoon looked very nervous about kissing you.

“You okay?” You embraced him while Namjoon holds onto your arm, looking at Jimin for support getting a thumbs up.

“Yes, just... just getting butterflies.” Namjoon breaths in looking into your eyes before he closes them. You pressing your lips to his, Namjoon smiles in the kiss your lips feeling and tasting better than he ever imagined. Not wanting to stop the kiss pulling you back in once you two have some time to breath.

“Come over here.” Jimin signals you, once it’s his turn. You walking over to him Jimin slinging his arms around your throat grinning when you pull him by his waist closing the distance. Although Jimin would never admit it, he felt his heart stop for a minute when you kissed him. God did he love you two.

“Baby I want kisses!” Namjoon protests putting his body on Jimin’s. Jimin burrying his face into his neck, the smell of Namjoon’s lavender lotion filling his nose while he touches his soft skin.

Jimin raises his head up seeing Namjoon’s red lips also wet from the kiss with you, he presses his plump lips against Namjoon’s. The sweet taste of the honey green tea that he drank for breakfast, savoring it all. You hugged Jimin from behind kissing and leaving hickles on his neck.

“Precious.” You nuzzle Jimin’s neck wrapping your hand around Namjoon’s waist. Feeling the bliss of being with those two.

— a/n: kinda wanted to add some text stuff!! because the imagine had some of it and i just found it so iconic!! enjoy :) these are 3 different events with ur boyfriends namjoon and jimin

[aliteraryprincess]

My Decade in Books

I was tagged by @flamingmirrorbookish. Thank you!

The rules: respond to the prompt “my decade in books” however you want, & then tag some ppl! I chose a book or series to define each year of the decade, some w/a little description. You can do that, or make up your own response

So this was tricky because 2010 through early 2014 are murky because I wasn’t keeping track of what I was reading. But I’ve done my best! Mainly it will be between one to three books per year, but there is one where I did more.  

2010 - Ugh 2010, what a horrible year. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. This was the year that my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder really began to manifest. I read tons of books because I didn’t have friends anymore, but I can barely remember most of them. The Bell Jar was summer reading for my senior year of high school It showed me I wasn’t alone in my struggle with mental illness and gave me a character I could relate to.   

2011 - Another horrible year in which I continued to struggle with mental illness. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. I reread this early in the year for a Women Writers project. It once again gave me a character I could relate to and made me realize that I needed serious help for mental health problems, especially the eating disorder. Even after reading the book and having this realization, it would be another year and a half before I was in a better state. 

2012 - I was slowly starting to get better, and by the fall semester (sophomore year of college) I finally had friends! The major book I remember from this year was Peter Pan, which I wrote a 20 page paper on for a Children’s Lit class. It’s a bright though bittersweet story that I read at a point in my life where things were starting to look up even though everything wasn’t perfect. It was also the first college paper I wrote that I was really proud of.  

2013 - Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, and Agnes Grey by Anne Brontë. I did a major project on the Brontës that year, if you can’t tell haha. This class and this project made me realize that I wanted to go into literature rather than creative writing. And after reading (or rereading in the case of Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre) these books, I knew I wanted to focus specifically on 19th-century women writers.  

2014 - The year I actually started keeping track! North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell and We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson gave me new books to add to my list of favorites. Margaret of Anjou: Queenship and Power in Late Medieval England by Helen E. Maurer marks my project on Margaret of Anjou for my UK travel course. The course gave me the chance to do research in the British Library and feel like a real scholar. It also made me decide to apply for grad school in the UK.     

2015 - College graduation, the start of grad school, the start of this blog, and more struggles with mental health. Oh boy! I’m actually going to split this year into two: pre-grad school and during grad school. So pre-grad school: IT by Stephen King, Harry Potter by J. K. Rowling, and The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth. These were all read during the summer, and it was the perfect mix of nostalgia and coming-of-age for the point I was at in my life. During grad school: Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell and Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins, both of which were rereads. I was severely depressed and homesick, and these are two of the books I read as “comfort reads.”     

2016 - The end of grad school, moving home, getting a job, and more depression. Wuthering Heights (again) and The Lancashire Witches by William Harrison Ainsworth for my dissertation. I spent a LOT of time with those. Also All for the Game by Nora Sakavic, which joined the list of my favorites and became my ultimate comfort books.

2017 - This was the year I read the most books (that I’ve recorded): 140! That makes picking for this extremely hard. First off we have Wintersong by S. Jae-Jones, which was my most anticipated book of that year and quickly became one of my all time favorites. Then we have Under Rose-Tainted Skies by Louise Gornall, which gave me excellent mental illness representation. I was also able to share it with my mother so she could have some idea of how my anxiety disorder makes me feel. It actually made her really understand it for the first time. And then we have A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, which broke me and left me sobbing for a week, but in a good way (if there is a good way of sobbing for a week).   

2018 - This was another year defined by the Brontës. I reread some of the novels and read a ton of nonfiction. Probably because I kicked the year off with The Brontës by Juliet Barker, which was the best biography I’ve ever read.

2019 - What an odd year this was. It was a year of really thinking about my life and my choices. And that’s best summed up with Disgrace and The Lives of Animals both by J. M. Coetzee. I hated Disgrace. It sent me into a month long depressive episode. But these books made me think about the way our society treats animals and the way I myself treat them. They made me start to consider becoming a vegetarian. They made me look at some truly ugly things and really think. It sucked, but ultimately it was good for me.

 I’m not sure who has done this already, but I tag @the-forest-library, @lizziethereader, @thelivebookproject, @lettersfromthelighthouse, @brightbeautifulthings, @bookcub, and anyone else who wants to do this.

[thoughtfulbreadd]

You know, my mental health has always been a struggle to keep somewhat stable. It's ok really, I've dealt with it the best I've been able to do so for so long. A few weeks ago I was so scared bout what was gonna happen next to me, all I ever wanted in just a day crashed and collapsed in front of me all in a matter of a few hours. All the pain I endured, the pain that consumed me from the inside, and occasionally physically, I thought it was all worth it for a while. I was living the dream haha.

The thing is as of lately since that day, I've noticed that somethin in me has broke. I told one of my friends something that I felt, it all came crashing down and usually when it's too much I just go to aleep to cope with it and not hurt myself. But that night I had a dream, it felt just like being awake days prior, I was happy and things were great. But when I woke up I was alone and scared in the corner of a room, freezing and that's when it happened.

I started crying my ass off cause I felt all was gone in just like that, and in my head something broke, since that day I havent cried. I havent felt pain, I havent felt anything really, the thoughts I've had in the back of my mind are now the majority of my thoughts, but unlike before that I was scared and cried cause I didnt wanna feel that way, now I just don't feel anything really. I've been trying to do all I can because I think I wanna see what happens next. But as of a while now, I am not sure if that's what I want.

I have always felt the need to make others happy you know, family, friends, strangers, crushes, etc. But since I moved I noticed no one really requires me in any way. I have had the question in the back of my mind whether my existence is important to anyone or not, but from what I've seen, it really isn't.

Family doesnt interact with me, and even when I'm physically present it's like I'm a ghost, no one sees me nor hears me, but at the end it's always been that way, but I've confirmed that none of them really care bout what I do.

Friends, those whom I've told my struggles have walked away when I needed help. I helped with some of their pain when they had issues with their family, school or their love life, but once it came to me, none helped me... but it's ok, I got myself through painful situations, sexual harassment from professors and students; being outed at school and not long later at home where I didnt feel safe to do so. I thought "I'll just get through this and when I graduate I'll be able to make my own decisions and move elsewhere to not deal with this anymore". But moving didnt help. Not only did I struggle meeting people, some I did just wanted to fuck, some just wanted to get drunk or get high, and others I tried to bond with didn't seem to care.

Being gay has always been a major issue with my mental health. Ever since I was a kid I was scared bout being gay thanks to some words from family, from kids on school, from media mocking being femenine in any sort of way. I know a lot of people have dealt with this, and it fucking sucks really. Sometimes I still wish I was just straight cause then I'd not have dealt with things I've dealt with.

I've always hated people, but I gave some a shot. Some guys whom I've had the pleasure to talk with have liked me, and I did too in a way. I got excited, but then some I realized didn't really give a fuck when I talked to them, they just wanted to see me jerk off on camera for their entertainment, which is ok really, I thought I was happy to do that for them cause least I felt someone noticed or needed me in a way. But once I started dating people it sucked.

I have always known I'm bipolar, so I know I'm not necesarily easy to talk to. My mood changes too much at times even when I try to act like I'm cool and weird. I mean also depression and anxiety don't help much, cause when I've done things that I love to do, I would feel so disconnected and out of it cause I was pretending because at the moment I was pissed or sad or scared, even tho i was excited and happy moments ago.

I became a whore for a bit after moving out, every other night I hooked up with a different guy, occasionally more than one the same night because I didn't want to be alone in my apartment in the new city. Slowly I started feeling that well hooking up wasnt the best, so I started dating, and I got so excited about it thinkin I could meet someone who could care about me you know. But I think thay no matter what, there really isn't anyone that cares the way I care for people, that now I just don't care really.

Lately I've felt tired and exhausted, but since I broke down a few weeks ago, I haven't been the same. Part of me is trying to find someway for me to find a way to go back into that dream, another part is looking for a different thing to look forward to, but I'm tired, and I'm not scared anymore. Before I cried because I was scared I was gonna hurt myself or hurt someone else emotionally, but from what I've seen it really doesn't have any effect on anyone either wayz and I know that.

I have had more cuts around my body now than ever before, but the difference now is that before I felt the pin as a stop now, you will be ok, but now it feels like pressure has been released and I feel better after that.

I went to a therapist again, but other than the fake tears they see, I really don't feel much anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do, I joke around and say "I'm gonna cut an arm off and start a new somewhere else" or "I wanna fall into a coma" but it's not a joke I do feel like that's something I wanna do you know...

I really am not sure where I stand at this moment, part of me wants to finish the semester and try something else, but part of me doesn't and just wants to take a really long nap, or just sleep forever. I know this is bad, but the fact that it feels like a viable option and I'm not scared of it as I used to be now feels weird. It just feels like I would feel the same way as I feel now that I don't feel anything...

Idk what's gonna happen, but I'll just put this here, if someone reads it, it's ok, if they don't it's ok. I'm aware it will just not matter either way, so no point in worrying bout it.

[glowystudies]

FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL SURVIVAL GUIDE

hiya folks! it’s been a hot second since i’ve used this blog, and i don’t know if any of you guys remember me but i’ll just re-introduce myself: my name is esther, i’m a rising junior, and my passions involve writing, the visual arts, the liberal arts, and social justice! i love tea, books, and nineties movies. :)

ok, now moving on: this is a whole post with advice for incoming high school freshman. throughout my two years of high school, i’ve picked up some pretty valuable tips i think i’d like to share with you. i’ve split up advice into three categories: academics/extracurriculars, productivity/organization, and mental/social health! some of these categories might intersect each other, sorry about that. let’s begin!

1. PRODUCTIVITY/ORGANIZATION

HONE YOUR WORK HABITS NOW (use your summer wisely!)

what i mean by this is that when i was in middle school, i thought that i didn’t have to try that hard and i could just channel all of my power into high school. this isn’t the case, you need to start building up good habits early on! if you have/had this mindset, try to use summer as a way to start helping yourself. you got this! (this doesn’t mean you’re inferior/high school will be hard, it’s just helpful to have good habits) iif not, and you’re already a great student good job!

GET AN ORGANIZATION SYSTEM

buy your folders/binders/notebooks and formulate a good system! what’s most helpful for me and a few other people i know is carrying notebooks and materials in an accordion folder and only keeping relevant work in your backpack. keeping binders at home for each subject to file after every week is really helpful in conjunction with this.

USE APPS/GOOGLE CALENDAR!

apps such as Forest, Momentum, and Google Calendar really help with organization! Google Calendar, especially, is a great tool to organize your events on the go.

TRY NOT TO PROCRASTINATE/KEEP A PLANNER

write down assignments and tasks in a planner right away! this will make you less stressed. refer to your planner often so that you remember what you have to do.

POMODORO TECHNIQUE

not freshman specific, but this study technique really helps, and since workload will intensify it’s important to find a good study technique!

https://francescocirillo.com/pages/pomodoro-technique

2. ACADEMICS/EXTRACURRICULARS

IT’S OKAY (GOOD, EVEN) TO ASK FOR HELP

usually, people are willing to help you if you have problems with your schoolwork. if you have a question in class, ask it right away: don’t worry about other people questioning you/making fun of you because they think it’s a stupid question! even if they think that, their opinions don’t matter and you should prioritize yourself/ your education over their ignorance. if you don’t understand it in class, it’ll be much harder to understand at home.

JOIN THINGS! GET INVOLVED! (BUT NOT TOO INVOLVED)

don’t make the mistake of joining too many clubs (me in freshman year haha)! join only things that you’re genuinely interested and passionate about/have past experiences in. sports and clubs are a really good way to make new friends as well. organizations such as speech and debate, MUN, academic decathlon, science olympiad, etc are pretty time consuming but really enrich your experience + since you spend a lot of time with your team you form a good bond!

DON’T WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS/EXPLORE THINGS

i’m sure many of you have people pushing you towards STEM jobs and occupations. if you really love STEM, that’s great! science and math are interesting subjects and i really appreciate them. however, i’m definitely a humanities/art-based girl and if you relate, you might feel boxed in by others’ expectations. however, high school is really a time where you grow and make your own decisions. i’m not telling you to go off the rails, but you’re practically almost an adult (soon lolol) and you should do things that you want and like!)

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR GRADES AND TEACHERS

have a good relationship with your teachers! they’ll help you in the long run! and always check your grades because there’s been so many incidents where teachers have screwed up in entering things.

in the beginning of the semester, make a list of your target grades and what you have to do to achieve them. keep the paper you make your list on somewhere around your desk to motivate you. this works with other things/goals too!

ORGANIZATION PART TWO

keep a homework folder! used in conjunction with your planner it’ll keep you clear on what you have to get done. you can also use this is your turn-in folder. also, you should definitely determine what your learning style/meyer’s brigg personality is so that you can make things accordingly (ie, audio learners can make flash-cards to study, writing-oriented learners can have several notebooks, etc)

Meyer’s Brigg: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Learning Style: http://www.educationplanner.org/students/self-assessments/learning-styles-quiz.shtml

APPLY TO THINGS IN THE SUMMER

i know i’m getting ahead of myself, since this post is about starting freshman year, but think about it: there are only three summers in high school, and you should do each to do something that you’re passionate about/explore a field that you’re interested in :) so here is, for future reference, a list of cool summer camps and such! if money is a problem, that’s fine! you can always do other things like read, enter online competitions, start a club, etc. as long as you’re busy and doing things you love there’s no problem.

https://cty.jhu.edu/imagine/resources/summer_programs/index.html

3. SOCIAL/MENTAL HEALTH

MAKE FRIENDS! I KNOW IT’S HARD BUT!

yoooooo i know for sure that freshman year was hard for me because i was new to the school and area and because i didn’t have many friends, but luckily at the end of sophomore year i’ve surrounded myself with some phenomenal, creative people and feel much happier and hopeful. reach out to people! you never know what their response will be and it never hurts to try. you could be friends with the most unlikely people (as i am now)! reach out to classmates in clubs and in your class and just radiate positive energy. of course, i do understand that mental illness/other circumstances may make this hard from first-hand experience. in this case, making friends through classes and organizations where people spend a lot of time together is good. however, you deserve people who make you happy!

DON’T FOLLOW THE CROWD.

social status is a myth. don’t worry about popularity! do what feels right (unless it’s … like… weed or smth idk,.. :-))))) )! be yourself and you’ll always find understanding people who accept you for who you are. this really troubled me because i wear hecking funky outfits and i was always scared of being too much, but now i literally just wear anything i want hahahah. and the thing is, people have been really accepting and nice and now i’m lowkey known as the girl with cool outfits! which is a nice title to have!

GIVE YOURSELF SPACE / ADJUSTING TO FAILURE

i (lmao) experienced some of my first instances of ‘failure’ in high school and gave myself a really hard time over it. don’t be negative or self-accusing if you ‘fail.’ remind yourself how insignificant the thing you failed is: in the scope of life, the planet, the universe. then take a deep breath, analyze what you did wrong, and see how you can solve it. give yourself some time to heal, drink some tea, wear a face mask, etc. your mental health is so important, don’t lose yourself to one bad grade because you are so much more.

TAKING CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

this one’s really hard! but for me, when i’m in the dumps because of circumstances/depression/anxiety,, here’s what i do:

unplug. the internet, sometimes, only makes things worse.

EXCEPT if you’re gonna text/message/talk to someone online! linking up with a trusted friendo helps.

draw! even if you aren’t an artist, it releases stress. writing your thoughts helps too.

take a walk.

listen to your favorite bops. (i have a collection of playlists on spotify under the name chocobonbon123 if you wanna check it out)

make a cake. or food. or something.

organize your room

if you’re angry: ripping paper really calms me idk hahah

and sometimes: you just need to have a Big Cry. let it All Out.

well guys! that’s it! basically this is all my advice for incoming freshman/what i wish i did my freshman year and i hope it helps someone out there. <3 <3

-esther

[stupidpianist]

5 november 2018

13:02: We made it to 40,000 words. Don’t know why this is any more of a landmark than, say, 30k, or 50k, but it felt like a good point to mark our progress. It’s like, wow, we got this far; not without hiccups, of course, and, like, off days when we just didn’t update the blog, but for the most part it’s been pretty consistent, these last two days notwithstanding (haha irony). Wanted to do something “big and new” for this one, something therapeutic, that might help “sort some things out” that I need sorted out in my life right now. Don’t really know how I’m going to do this, but just going to sort of let things “flow out naturally” in this update, I guess?? This isn’t going to be like the other updates, it’s going to be even more egocentric and it’s going to be entirely focused on “me myself and I” in a way that even thinking about it now I’m finding disgusting. Considered writing something like this and then just not posting it, but then was like, no, include this in your experiment, “get it all out there.”

Just forewarning you that this is gonna be really annoyingly self-centred, it’s just going to be an update of me trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life, because I really don’t have a lot of time and I have a lot of things I need to “fix” or “repair” or at least “amend” a bit in this bit of time that I have, before, like, I need to send out applications and whatnot.

But, since this is still a liveblog update, here’s, really briefly, what I’ve done, and what I’m gonna do today:

-Woke up at seven in the morning after getting three hours of sleep

-Felt in a complete dream state, physically couldn’t lift myself off of the mattress

-Continually shut off alarms while still being consciously dreaming (didn’t commit the dreams to memory, though, can’t remember what they are now…)

-Finally got out of bed at 10h50, knowing that I had to make it to my 11h30 class

-Decided against showering, thought, “you shower too much,” splashed water on my head and hair, “chugged” some water, brushed, put on work clothes

-Checked weather via Google Home Mini device, had a brief conversation with Google Home on how they were doing

-Went to piano pedagogy class, stopped for a Monster “Zero Ultra,” which I’ve never had before, was pleasantly surprised at taste; chose it because I didn’t want anything with sugar, even if I know about the detriments of sugar substitutes. Was focusing mainly on not wanting more cavities.

-In library now working on “commemorative” “we made it to 40k liveblog update”

-After this, going to send out a bunch of administrative-related e-mails, read some Foucault (bought a copy of Surveiller et punir finally, really looking to “get into it”), go to my work shift, finish my work shift, practice piano, go home, work out, shower, try not to feel worried

-At some point will also go get a banh mi or something from the music cafeteria because I neglected to pack a salad

So here we go, I guess. Going to put another warning:

!!!!DO NOT READ THIS, LIKE, it’s NOT GOING to be FUN, it’s not going to be interesting, just going to be me ruminating on my own life and trying to work through some stuff, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!!!!

Okay, so, feel like I need to be honest with myself, yeah, which is not something I think I’ve done in a while. Need to really analyze what I’m good at, what I’m not good at, and, from both lists, what I want to work on. Reminded of scene in Nightcrawler when Jake Gyllenhaal’s character has a monologue, asking the question, wait, hold on, let me just pull up the script, actually--“Last year I took an online business course, for example. I learned you have to have a business plan before starting a business, and that why you pursue something is as important as what you pursue. The site advised you to answer the following question before deciding where to focus your abilities. The question was ‘What do I love to do?’ The site suggested making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. What are you good at? And what are you not that good at? Maybe you want to strengthen and develop knowledge about the things you’re already good at. Or maybe you might want to strengthen your weaknesses.” Not that I’m trying to, like, model my life after that character no not at all I just was thinking about that scene and that I’m doing something similar.

I think one of the worst aspects of my personality is that I’m particularly disagreeable by nature. After taking a psych personality assessment test with a pool of more than 10,000 samples, I scored in the 2nd percentile of agreeableness. I mean, interpersonally this poses a lot of problems to address, but I think right now I need to slap myself in the face because a lot of my issues stem from the fact that I can’t, or, like, historically, cannot seem to get myself to do anything that I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s laziness--though I’m definitely also lazy--because I’ll, like, read for eight hours on a topic I’m interested in and not feel drained or exhausted, but on the other hand, if I’m taking a course and we’re on a chapter that doesn’t interest me, the amount of effort it takes to get me to even skim the summary of said chapter seems egregiously high, compared to most people I know. Especially after taking all these psych courses this semester, and learning about the concept of personality, feels like I need to somehow grapple with this, because I can’t keep going through life only doing things I want to do. This leaves a lot of other things in a state of disarray, and if those things aren’t sorted out, it makes it a lot harder, or, sometimes, even impossible, to do the things I actually want to do.

Like, as an example, I already made a list of the professors I wanted to ask for recommendation letters. This list has been in existence for a long time, like, a l-o-n-g time, but I neglected to e-mail them to ask them for the recommendation until just a few days ago. This gives them just a month to write the letters, which isn’t ideal. The only reason I didn’t send out the e-mail, took the tiny amount of thirty minutes to send them out, was because I was like, “I hate doing administrative/bureaucratic things, hate communicating in this way, hate the application process, I’m not going to do it, I refuse.” Until, I was like, “okay, George, if you don’t send out these e-mails nOW, you’re not going to have recommendations, and if you don’t have recommendations you’re literally not going to be able to complete your applications, and if you don’t complete your applications, you will literally have 0 chance of getting into any school, let alone one you want to actually attend.” So I finally did it. And it was just because I was in my disagreeable little bubble of, “I’m not gonna do it, I refuse, I don’t like this.”

So this is now something that I’m hyper aware of. I think the solution to this is to acknowledge that I have a personal responsibility to myself, and to others, to accomplish these tasks, if for no other reason than they facilitate the ability to do whatever the hell I want. If I remember that, if I keep just telling myself that there are some things that are just unfortunately non-negotiable GIVEN THAT I want to do x, y, and z, then I’ll be more likely to accomplish the non-negotiable task to get to x, y, and z. I can feel this working, and it’s a small step, but I’ve never contended with being disagreeable before, I always just accepted it, like, “yup, too bad I guess.” And I am not saying I want to change that, it feels extremely inherent, to me, or, like, it’s immutable in my personality, I just want to adapt and find more ways to operate in the world so that I don’t only have one manner of being, which in itself is extremely constricting, and I want to be as adaptable as possible, just personally, it’s something that I value.

So that’s one thing that’s been on my mind, the other is that I’ve got to admit to myself when I’ve got too much to handle. This is something else I always do with myself, I always downplay everything as if I was smarter than I actually am, I’ll go, like, “oh, that’s going to be a cakewalk, you don’t have to study at all for that,” and, “you know the piece better than you think, just wing the performance, you got this, it’ll be fine.” And then if I have a bunch of tasks that I have to do, like right now, I’ll just keep lying, I’ll keep going, “whatever, George, you can handle this, this is nothing, this is a breeze,” but it rarely ever is a breeze, and if I’m really thinking honestly, I carry pretty consistently high levels of stress and anxiety that I know would be lower if I just accepted that I’m really not as smart as I think I am, and that I need to put in more work than I think I should.

Also need to be like, this isn’t a sign of weakness, or something, like, it’s far weaker to consistently lie to oneself about their abilities. Need to be like, it’s okay to acknowledge, internally and externally, that I’ve got a lot of things to do and I’m not sure I can accomplish them all to a good degree, and that I’m really struggling, because right now I’m actually struggling a lot. Have to prepare and record my prescreenings, finish application packets, on top of keeping up with my five psych courses with finals coming up real soon, and an increased work schedule since my promotion. That’s, for me, okay I’m going to say it, that’s a lot of work for me. And the amount of work that anyone can handle varies from person-to-person and that’s fine, it has no bearing on how “weak” they are, how “weak” they are is only in how they approach the work that they have, right? So I’m freaking out, yeah, if I’m being honest I’m freaking out a lot, and I’m extremely bad at expressing myself, especially face-to-face, with most people, and it’s not that it’s “difficult for me to say these things,” it’s more like, how should I say… It’s more like it doesn’t even occur to me to say, because I’ve gotten so adept at lying to myself that, in a lot of circumstances, I genuinely think that I can take on more than I actually can.

There, that felt good to write, I liked writing that, even if it made me a little sad. Don’t know why it’s making me sad, but I’m going to let myself feel that, just going to let myself feel that way.

Then it’s also like, what are my value systems? What are my frameworks for life? Why am I even applying to master’s programs? Am I doing it for myself, or am I still doing it for my parents? What do I want to get out of life, and how should I go about accomplishing that? So, like, it’d be amazing to teach piano at a university level, it’d be great to be a professor, so it’d be really great to have at least a master’s degree. I want to publish papers and I have a lot to say about a lot of music-related topics, so I want to continue in academia, but on my own terms; there’s so many issues I have, and I’m sure everyone has, with the way the academic sphere is currently run, and I want to do my best to change it, hopefully, for the better. But then, what school do I want to go to?

Going to say something here now that will probably upset my parents a lot, but I really don’t feel that the school, to me, matters nearly as much as the people I’m around. Of course, if the institution is terrible, then it’d be extremely difficult to operate there, but, after a certain baseline, which I cannot really computatively compute and put down in definitive terms, all these institutions feel like small variations of each other. I know it when I feel it, I guess, like, if a place has faculty I like, and facilities that are up to a certain level, then the school itself matters less to me than the location of the school, and the people I’m going to be around. If I got into a “top-ranking” school and got a huge scholarship, but it would mean extricating myself from significant people in my life, I would voluntarily take out a massive student loan on myself and attend a school that would put me in closer proximity to those people.

I think this is because, with more time, I’m more receptive towards the random-seeming nature of everything; people’s lives change on a second-to-second basis, without any provocation or planning, and even when people plan out an intricate future, the reality deviates in such immediate and harsh ways that those predictions 99.99% of the time just are never accurate. So, like, if I’m confident in my own abilities as an academic and as a pianist, then I’m going to a location which I feel would provide me with the most stimulation, the most possibility for personal growth, the best people that I want to keep in my life, and not relocate myself to a place with an ostensibly better “school,” because who’s to say, ever, if it would actually have any positive impact on my later life??

This isn’t making much sense, I’m reading this over and it sounds like blither. It makes sense in my head, trust me, and I’m trying to put it down as clearly as I can. Maybe I’m being too verbose. I don’t know, does it make sense?? All I’m trying to say is, whatever school I choose, the criteria for why I’m going there is going to depend more on the location (how’s the architecture? is there night life? is there a cafe in the area within walkable distance of campus that i really like? are the library chairs comfortable?), more on the people (are they stimulating? do i empathize with enough of them? do i feel comfortable amongst the local culture?), than on, like, the supposed quality of the institution.

I’m making a big deal out of this, I know, but it’s just because to me it is a big deal; it’s a really new mode of thinking that I’ve never really interfaced with, I’ve been told, growing up, consistently, that a “good institution” is what to strive for, and I’m understanding that my worldview simply isn’t compatible with that notion.

So now I’m going to need to create some kind of support network for myself, which is another thing I’ve stubbornly avoided doing, just telling myself, “you’re tough enough not to have one.” This is a lie, and an impossibility. I need to put myself in positions where I’m more likely to have a positive outcome. I don’t trust myself nearly enough to consistently make healthy choices in my life, because that’s not something historically I’ve ever done, so I can’t expect myself to start doing it. What I need to do, I think, is to try and frame the things I do in the day in such a way that they’re conducive and lead to more positive things, on a purely, like, mathematical level. So, like, I can’t trust myself to eat breakfast or lunch. So, a way that I can try and make sure I do in fact eat breakfast and lunch is to wake up at an earlier time than the 10h/11h that I wake up most days. That way, since I’m naturally up more hours, I’ll naturally be hungrier, so I’ll naturally seek out food for breakfast and lunch.

Or, as another example, I can’t trust myself to practice piano for an adequate amount of hours. Like, I really like my playing, and I have a really high-resolution and clear understanding of where I slot in, in terms of pianistic ability, but it could definitely be better if I just made sure I practiced even just a bit more a day. So, if I make a seemingly unrelated decision, like, instead of going to McLennan, make sure you use the music library to a 2:1 ratio that you use McLennan, just by virtue of being in the music library, surrounded by scores and reminders of music, I’ll naturally just be like, “oh hey, I’m itching to play that piece right now” more.

That’s what my plan is, going to try and “set myself up” for inadvertent-but-positive decisions, rather than just naturally going through each day doing “what I want to do,” which usually results in, like, some productivity, and I am still usually getting things done, but it also leads to consistently poor decision making, like, procrastinating on tasks, or spending too long on YouTube.

This is a nice segue, I guess, into my relationship with technology. For years I’ve always used the internet a lot, like, a lot, and in a way this has been great, I’m pretty fricken good with technology, and not just, like programming, or something, but like, I’m fluent with the hardware, and with, like, a staggering amount of software. If I need to figure out how to do something new related to technology, I’ve used it to such a degree that it’s preternatural, and I can sort of “feel out” how to do it intuitively. This is a positive, I think, a definite positive. On the other end of that spectrum, though, is that I interact with social media, and with other people, in a way that I am starting to feel personally disgusted with. I use it as an outlet to feed my personal ego, to try and “be funny,” and to be provocative. Everyone has a public persona, and there’s nothing wrong with this, but I don’t want to view the general public in such a staged way anymore, I think. I used to get a lot out of it, but now, it just feels like I’ve foregone actually interacting with people in favour of, like, experimenting with them.

I want to use social media less, and this has already happened. I wrote a script that deleted every one of my Facebook posts I’ve ever made, like, they’re permanently gone, wiped, so I’ve got a clean slate. And I’m going to use this opportunity to use that clean slate to push updates on things that I’m genuinely interested in, not just in things that I think will make people laugh, or something. I mean, I love making people laugh and feel good, so those things will still come, but I need to stop thinking and participating socially in a manner that, sometimes, focuses exclusively on people’s reactions. I am far too concerned, in a really damaging way, what people think of me. Sometimes this isn’t a bad thing, like, I’m hyper aware of trying to be polite and to not do anything that would annoy the people around me. I am constantly thinking about how to be a respectful person, which I think a lot of the time is good. But it’s also really debilitating because it also means that I’m constantly assessing if what I’m doing is impressive, if enough people are intrigued by me, if people find me fascinating. I need to stop caring about that. The people who find me genuinely interesting will still find me genuinely interesting just by virtue of me being myself. I don’t need to constantly be putting on some kind of act, reassessing the value of that act via the reactions of the people around me.

So I’ve really cut down on my use of Facebook and Instagram, this was, surprisingly, not difficult to do; it felt really natural, just a natural progression in my life, and it’s actually made me feel a lot better, a lot less anxious, a lot more comfortable just operating and going through each day.

I guess everything that I’ve said above could just be summated in that I’m trying to be honest with myself. I guess it’s been a long while since I’ve made an attempt at this; I have a perception of myself that’s gotten so skewed and off that it’s not only inaccurate, it’s dangerous. I can’t keep operating life with this false supposition that I’m actually a lot better at things that I’m not. It’s fine to be bad at things, it’s not fine to lie about being good at them and then, by extension, refusing to grow as an individual and improve on those things. It’s not fine to make excuses for one’s own behaviour, in order to reaffirm a framework of existence that’s only there because one is too lazy, or unwilling to modify it to make it better. I need sleep, I’m not someone who can operate on four hours or anything. I need to eat, I can’t pretend that eating one meal a day is somehow acceptable. I lack mathematical ability, and it’s difficult for me to understand, let alone implement, mathematical concepts, without significant effort. My writing tends to be over stylized, not well thought out, conceptually relying on low-hanging fruit. My papers rely on handfuls of small observations without ever materializing to anything significant. It’s easier, and more pleasant, for me to lie to myself, rather than want to actually work on myself. I’m far too judgmental of everyone. This list could go on forever yada yada wow jesus did I really just write all that about myself?

Feel like this is a good place to stop with this. “Got this out of my system.” Apologising again, I feel weird just penning an entire blog post to such obvious revelations, but I feel severely underdeveloped as a person, especially compared to some other people my age that I interact with, so while this might have been discovered a long time ago by a lot of you, I’m only just now coming to terms with it. Going to stop it there, that’s a whole lot about me, and I’m exhausted at writing about myself.

Hey now seems like a good time to get a sandwich, I think!! Going to go do that, grab a banh mi and a coconut water or something, going to eat it while listening to music and maybe reading some Foucault. Still have three hours before work starts, so I’ll go to McLennan, up to the top floor that I love, to some unused grad student’s carrel, where I’ll be able to look out over this part of Montreal. Then I’m going to alternate between reading and sending out these e-mails I’ve been putting off. I feel like I’ve grown more in this past semester than I have in the entire other years of my undergraduate “career.” Don’t know why this is happening, but I like it, even if it’s been an extremely difficult period in my life. Getting a mental image of animals molting, thinking, like, “it’s always difficult to move into the next stage of your life,” or something.

Can’t live as someone you dislike, or you’re going to be miserable all the time. Need to continue working, not pretending that I have the traits that I like. Need to actually work to attain those traits, to deserve those traits, to possess those traits, so that I actually like myself. Feeling good, yeah, yeah, I’m grinning.

Will update this later. Feeling myself “maturing,” or something silly like that hahah. Feeling a pleasant resignation of something I can’t place. Feeling good.

15:06: Okay I actually have less time than I thought, I misread the work schedule, the event starts at 17h which means I have to get there at 16h. Also forgot that I have to do an assignment for my behavioural neuroscience course that I’m ages behind in. The assignment itself shouldn’t be hard but it’s a reminder that I need to start studying for the upcoming second midterm thing for it. But since I only have, like, forty minutes or so right now I think I’m going to use that time to try and get through a bit of the Foucault? Feel very interested in that right now, seems like a good way, too, to act as a bit of an intermission of other tasks I need to do today. Just as a way of getting organized here are the tasks I need to remember:

-sleep earlier to get up for 08h30 lecture, need to wake early

-do psych assignment

-respond to e-mails

-practice piano

-if time, work out

-shower

-cook dinner

This list isn’t in any particular order, just wanted to, like, “get down on paper” this so that I don’t forget, like, I just remembered the psych assignment while walking to the library, is how “out of it” I am today.

18:34: In practice room now after my work shift. I really like working with my bosses, both of them are great. Did a gigantic training shift yesterday, today’s shift was only two and a half hours, so that was nice that I didn’t have to stay in the booth for HOURS AND HOURS, which is a good environment but also like, if it’s for hOURS AND HOURS it can feel a little oppressive.

Feel excited to get some practicing done, feel like what I’ll do is practice until I can’t concentrate anymore (thinking of Tao Lin’s Can’t Concentrate Manatee, will post a pic of it below), which won’t take very long given that I barely slept last night. Then I’ll head to the music library and do my psych assignment so that I don’t just go home and immediately slack off (always harder to slack in public than slack alone). Feeling myself “setting myself up” for a more productive environment, if I don’t go home immediately after piano I have a statistically higher chance of not immediately going on YouTube, or something.

Okay time for finger exercises.

[brokencrayonsstillcolor]

This is going to be a super long rant but long story short, I need new friends!

Someone in my life has been making me feel like shit lately, and she's supposed to be one of my best friends. Lately she's been a lot more vindictive lately and I feel like it’s because I’m not at her beck and call 24/7. See, before I didn't have much of a life and I could pretty much hang out whenever but now I’m in school full time and work part time and the little bit of free time I have all I want to do is sleep. I noticed her doing it more and more shortly after my semester started. There was a night that she wanted me to come over (she asked me around 4) and I told her I had some physics homework I had to do and I would try to get it done, she told me I could do my homework at her house but I know myself and I never would have gotten it done. So I worked on it at home and when I finished at around 7pm I snap chatted her and told her I could come over now (we tend to hang out later so it being 7pm was normal/reasonable for when we normally hang out) and she responded with a pitch black picture and something along the lines of she wanted me to come over earlier and her husband will be home from work in TWO HOURS so I don't need to come over. I instantly knew she was mad, normally she’d love the company for those two hours while her husband was gone. The pitch black snapchat also lead me to believe she was angry cause there was no way she was napping at 7pm because she has 2 kids. I didn't think too much of it until that weekend when she snapchatted multiple times both Friday and Saturday that she was hanging out with one of our other friends (we almost always hang out all together) and playing games. So, I sat at home the whole weekend, which I was honestly fine with except for the fact I knew my friends were hanging out and I wasn't invited. She has done this to me before when she's been mad at me, she’ll post snaps or pictures of her hanging out with people or doing something fun knowing full well that I'll see it and a lot of times she snaps me the pictures directly.

During the following week we hung out and made plans with a group of friends to go to dinner and a haunted house Saturday night. If you know me, you know I love baseball, Milwaukee Brewers baseball in particular. The Brewers made it to the post season (for the first time since 2011) and they ended up having to play a game Saturday night and that game would decide if they went to the World Series or not, so it was a big deal. So, on Friday night, once I knew for sure the Brewers were going to be playing Saturday night, I told everyone that I would have to cancel because I couldn't miss the game. I know it sounds crazy, but missing a game and not knowing what's going on within the game gives me so much anxiety and with a game that important I knew it would be A LOT worse if I wasn't watching the game. I told her I could still go to dinner with them and asked where dinner would be. She then told me that they would be going somewhere cheap because they had decided they were going to do an escape room in the afternoon. So basically, I had been on a group chat a few days prior to discuss plans, I mentioned that I MIGHT have to cancel due to the game, then they planned to go to an escape room and I knew nothing about it which means they had a separate group chat without me before I even canceled for sure and I was never told where dinner would be. She snapped me all night about all the fun they were having. Then the next day she snapped me that they were all hanging out again and once again, I was not invited. So, I feel like because I picked watching the game, something I love, over hanging out I am being punished.

Yesterday around noon she texted me that people were coming over at 8pm to hang out and I was invited. Well, Monday was just one of those days for me, I left my homework and all my lab materials on my counter and I just felt stressed and rushed all day, so it did take me awhile to get back to her. Once I did, I told her I had class until 8:30 and as long as I could be productive before that class, I could come over, but I wouldn't be able to stay too late cause I have an 8am class. She responded with, “haha well you didn't respond so we changed our plans. we will have to hangout another night”. I apologized and told her that it was one of those days where I’d lose my head if it wasn't attached, which I'm sure everyone has experienced at some point and can understand. She read the message but never responded. Something felt off, she’d never change plans to hang out for me. So, she lives on my way home from campus, so I decided to drive by, and sure enough, there were two other cars in her driveway. So, they didn't reschedule or change their plans, they (I'm sure it was all her) just uninvited me.

That’s a terrible thing to do to someone, especially someone with severe anxiety and low confidence who already questions everything she does and says and is so worried that no one likes her. And she knows this too, we've been friends for almost 14 years, my struggle with anxiety is something that I am very open about. I question everything I do and say as it is and wonder if people like me or if they just feel bad for me and I always try to tell myself that it is just my anxiety talking, but maybe it's not?

This isn't helping my depression either.

And here's the thing, I have been a great friend to her for so many years. When her parents kicked her out, she lived with my family rent free, free food, free internet, and free tv, my parents never took a penny from her, because that's what friends do, they help each other when in need. I will rearrange my schedule to accommodate her, I've gone to doctors' appointments with her because her husband was working and she couldn't take the twins by herself, I spent hours and hours at her house keeping her company because she's a stay at home mom and she's bored, I’ve put my dog in her kennel for longer than I’d like so I can hang out with her. And when I tell her I have to leave so Maisie doesn't have to been in her kennel any longer she takes these backed jabs at my dog. Yes, Maisie has a lot of energy and needs more attention than her couch potato dogs, but I wouldn't trade her or change her for anything.

Don't take backhanded jabs at my dog, she is my baby and my best friend. She would flip out if I said anything remotely negative about her dogs, so why is it okay to say something about mine?

So, if anyone wants to be friends, I could use some new ones!

[jocy-diaries]

01.10.2022

Woo double digits and a new week. I’m waking up tired everyday now it seems, which sucks seeing as to how one of my goals was to wake up with positive thoughts. That can’t very well happen while I’m complaining that I feel ill. Something’s gonna have to change around that…

Welp, I was able to pay for the spring semester, but I think my old school’s email account got deactivated so I have no way of knowing if the scheduled email I made to be sent out today will actually go through. I sure hope not. The other things I want to achieve this week are:

All of the things I didn’t do last week (7)

Watch “Pig”

Organize classes

Order class books

Post 6 month loc’d video

Listen to audiobook

Get stomach sorted out

Keep taking medicine

It’s a lot less than I had last time, but then again I didn’t finish 7 tasks from last week so it merges over. Y’all it’s so embarrassing not finishing the tasks I set out for myself. Although it was maybe a little too ambitious…

You know when someone says they play lacrosse and they look like they play lacrosse??? 😂 That will never not be funny to me.

You know when you follow a god or goddess and you ask for something and you’re GIVEN that goddamnthing that you thought was going to be such a hassle to get and your love and admiration for Them just increases by the barrel full??? (Thank you Universe Thank you Bastet I love you I love you I love you I love you)

I think this and many other little things have finally made me realizing that my time with Sekhmet might have come to an end. I really enjoyed working with Her -even with the tests- but recently my focus and admiration has really been placed on Bast alone. I’ll do a meditation tonight to see if it’s really the case, but I feel like it is. It’s been good though~

Okay my happy freak out is over lol. I’ve applied to the position they sent to me, but of course if the salary isn’t high enough I’ll decline. It’s just nice to know that someone is listening sometimes you know~? And that my skills and my LinkedIn still get me noticed~

Too many emails (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞ I don’t know how people can live like this. I keep a little picture of Kiki on the side of my computer to remind me to work hard but hot damn Kiki it’s difficult. It’s actually so sad because I was having a good time but then I got overwhelmed and I’m just stopped. And see, this is why I feel like taking my anxiety medication won’t do much because I took it yesterday and look at me. If I’m still the same why bother with it at all? I think that me saying “I don’t talk full one hour lunches anymore because I don’t wanna have to work until 6pm” says a lot about what I think of work.

Okay. I’ve eaten a buttered toast and I have some tea and I peer reviewed my sister’s story homework. So now I’m gonna put on something in the background and clean out my school emails. If I feel up to it, I might do a bit more work for work.

I want to be angry at myself for falling a bit at the end of work, but I got a lot of other stuff done! I cleaned out my personal and school inboxes, I requested my official transcripts for transfer, I paid for my SGA membership renewal, and I applied to two jobs, one of which was a government position so, yeah! I did good. I guess it helped that I was working along to a video of someone working lol

Trying to figure out my icky mornings and stomach situation by not eating anything after 9pm. I would be snacking all night long otherwise haha. Hope it works!

The way this class is set up… It’s so confusing. It doesn’t work into any of the layouts I currently have and it’s frustrating me. I’ll have to force myself to stop and go to sleep soon. Not looking forward to work tomorrow… Too much to do… Always too much to do. I wish I could just go to school and study.

[witchyinthekitchen]

This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process. 

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.