#Emotional Abuse

[peachesvalentina]

💯💯💯

talking about narc abuse isn’t ableist at all! narcissism and antisocial behavior is about manipulation and lack of empathy and has nothing to do with disability. matter of fact, they love to target disabled people specifically. as an autistic person who has an abusive father and brother and has been bullied/abused by other narcs as well, we are easy targets and are most likely to be black sheep. that being said, it is straight up dehumanizing to tell a survivor of narcissistic abuse that it isn’t real when our brain scans would actually look the same as veterans who went to war

I realize a lot of abuse survivors have been attacked recently for sharing and writing resources for  dealing with narcissistic abuse, and all of the attacks are based on lies, and done with a clear goal in mind, so it’s time to do some explaining and debunking.

If you’ve read the ‘Why does he do that’ book, you already know that abusers quickly catch onto survivor terms and jargon and use them to pick victims apart. Victims are often accused of triggering abusers, gaslighting, emotionally abusing, neglecting and failing to acknowledge their side of the story; it’s done as an attack, to divert attention from their own abuse, silence the truth, and frame victims as the 'worse’ and even 'deserving of abuse’. Narcissists on this site have gotten word of the term 'ableism’ and are currently having a field day screaming it at victims of narcissistic abuse. It’s very ironic.

Ableism as a term is coined for the benefit of disabled people. Its purpose is to remind us to not discount the disabled people when planning and organizing society. Narcissism and sociopathy traits have exactly nothing to do with disability; they don’t stop them from functioning in society, in fact, they’re often rewarded for indulging in manipulation and deceit. To imply that they’re covered under disability would mean we just have to let them manipulate, lie and abuse, because you see, they can’t help it – except they proved to be able to, when there’s any sort of consequence for them. I feel that we can, as a society, decide that it’s not acceptable for narcissists to appropriate terms meant for disabled, and use them against victims of abuse who have been traumatized, often to the point of an actual disability. We’re struggling with anxiety, depression, panic and eating disorders, cptsd and a whole array of issues that greatly affect our ability to function, do narcissists think it’s ableist to shut us up when we point out how abuse did this to us? Of course not.

They also learned to compare themselves with bdp (borderline personality disorder), because psychiatry lumps them all in 'cluster B disorders’, however bdp interlaps with a lot of trauma symptoms, and is an actual struggle, in difference to narcissism and sociopathy. Narcissists and sociopaths are extremely unlikely to get diagnosed, and I noticed recently a lot of young people are getting misdiagnosed with npd, despite not showing pattern of narcissistic behaviour; this allows actual narcissists to groom and manipulate them, and then hide behind when anything is called out. This is also why I will only use words 'narcissist’ and 'sociopath’, and by that I mean a pattern of manipulative, harmful, toxic, cruel and abusive behaviour, followed by refusal to account for their actions and victim blaming, and not a person misdiagnosed with a personality disorder.

Narcissistic abuse is recorded as a specifically cruel, emotionally devastating and terrifying phenomenon that millions of children experience and live with; these wounds do not heal without ever being addressed, and for all of the victims currently experiencing it or trying to recover, it’s vital to create and share resources. It’s also vital to provide a space where all of us feel safe to discuss it and out all our abuser’s crimes. To say to these survivors and victims that narcissistic abuse isn’t real, or to not talk about it, is not only gaslighting but implying their entire lives didn’t happen, they imagined their own torture, and to take away the option of recognizing and fighting this type of abuse.

Abusers keep insisting they’re doing it only because they’ve been abused themselves, even though by now it was proven to not be true – and we have been fighting for some time to show that abused kid doesn’t equal an abuser, and that it’s even worse to inflict abuse after you know what it feels like. It’s also fairly ridiculous to imply that we’re a threat to them, since most of us have next to no social power, are barely getting by, and struggle to stay alive. Lots of us are in poverty as well.

Their last point is – not all narcissists and sociopaths are abusive, so let’s think about that one for a second. If there was such a thing as non abusive narcissist, would they attack abuse victims for creating resources among themselves? Would they see a traumatized person writing about abuse as a public resource who by default, should exist for them only, or be destroyed? Would they attempt to gaslight victims of narcissistic abuse telling them such a thing isn’t real? Implying the victims are making up their entire lives? Would they feel comfortable harassing, threatening, attacking and silencing those who write resources for abuse victims, and are traumatized themselves? What about those narcissists who are abusive, should we let them abuse and keep silent for the sake of not bothering the fictional non-abusive ones? Who absolutely can stay away from these materials but for some reason, have a problem with it even existing?

This is where we come to the goal of these specific attacks on survivors; the point is to stop us from creating and sharing resources because their pool of victims of abuse shrinks once all the signs of abuse are easily recognized and shared. Narcissists don’t like victims realizing they’re being abused, and leaving. They don’t like not having a lot of possible new victims who wont be able to tell they’re predators. They especially don’t like being held accountable for their actions or experiencing any consequences for it. This is why they find it perfectly acceptable for them to attack and threaten into silence survivors of abuse, in my case to the point of violent threats, rape threats, suicide baits and smear campaigns.

Recently they’ve been individually attacking people for sharing resources, either by accusing them of ableism or something worse, and we shouldn’t keep this quiet. A lot of us have been attacked lately, so if you were, please speak up!

For every single abuser threatening and silencing, there’s thousands of us, struggling with abuse and trauma, needing resources, or just realizing for the first time we’ve been living in abuse. Narcissists are vocal, but right now they’ve had to do something they usually don’t – team up. New abuse and trauma resources blogs are cropping up, in amount they never did before, and they’re not going to be able to shut us all up.

If you got a private message requiring you to stop writing or sharing resources, reblogging from trauma blogs, reply to this post, send me a message, or screenshot it and I’ll give you an email to send it to, or dm me. Abusers are terrified of community support and it’s obvious given the way they’re coming after us. They’re bullying and harassing people individually to prevent solidarity and resource sharing. Let’s let them know we talk and they can’t isolate us and individually break us via private messages.

[defire]

Fun things about trauma bonds I learned in the cult

(Specifically talking about the bond between victims of the same abuse)

Content: real-life scenarios, ptsd, trauma bond, forced labor, doublethink, emotional repression

Feels like they are the only ones that could ever understand you

Having similar conditioned responses

Having similar extreme responses--things that should be just funny become choking-hazard hilarious, things that should get a chuckle get a synchronous shrug

On that note, often saying the exact same thing in the exact same tone

Specific things like whumper's tone of voice when they say a certain thing, would be a joke when they weren't there

Singing to cope with many hours of forced hard labor, immediately going silent when whumper entered

Talking about the trauma was OFF LIMITS, only code-speak that whumper couldn't understand could be used to warn each other

Only certain feelings were allowed to be shown because we had been conditioned that some feelings were "not safe"

Openly admitting to each other that it wasn't safe inside the house with whumper and then telling outsiders that we were totally safe and thinking we were telling the truth both times

All saying exactly the same lines to strangers (example "we are all wretches" *shrug*)

Married-couple-level nonverbal communication.

"do you want this extra food? I'll sneak it to you under the table." "Give it to [other victim]." "Watch out, whumper's looking." All happened nonverbally with eye and head movements right in front of whumper.

Working together seamlessly (or else!)

As soon as you leave the cult, the pressure that forced the bond in the first place, the trauma-bond relationship can fall apart

No good relationship ever feels as intense or close as the trauma bond, and you wonder what you're doing wrong. Till you realize you aren't panicking constantly--that's the main difference

[daddystinygirll]

crazy how trauma isn't your fault but it's your responsibility to heal

[karmaxxx130]

Destroyed Memories

So I had this idea for a while, where Plagg as a god of destruction can destroy anything. So Adrien asked him to destroy a traumatic memory so he wouldn't be akumatized.

I made a little sketch to explain better but it's in french (with mistake) and not very clean/clear, sorry.

Hope you enjoy!!!

Disclaimer; reference to abuse and abuse aftermath.

Translation:

Panel 3: Adrien_ As a god of destruction, you can destroy everything, right? Can you destroy my memory of tonight? I try to be a good son, but I don't feel any love for him anymore…

Panel 4: A_ I don't want to be akumatized and be even more of a burden to Ladybug. Please…

Panel 5: Gabriel_ Oh, Adrien… Look what you're making me do… A_ Father?

Panel 6: G_ You keep disobeying me. I'll think you're doing it on purpose… by making the same mistakes over and over again. A_ I'm sorry

Panel 7: G_ Go to your room.

Panel 8: G_ Let's hope you learn this time.

Panel 10: Plagg_ I know I told you I'd destroy that memory, but I can't do it. Not again.

Panel 11: P_ Let's make a trade. I'll keep them for now. In exchange, take some of my energy. I think you'll need it…

Panel 12: A_ Hey Plagg!

Panel 13: A_ Are you okay? You look tired.

Panel 14: A_ My teeth feels weird …

Panel 15: P_ Kid!!! You must just be hungry. I'm starving!!! I need some camembert.

Panel 16: A_ Now that you mention it, I'm hungry too. P_ Let's go eat!

There are some physical side effects and feline tendencies from having a bit of destruction in him, but Parisians are oblivious and it doesn't show much, nor does it feel strange to see.

Took me so long, it's 4 in the morning, already!!? Good night?!!

Ps (why is my photo so pixelated? is there a special way to post a drawing on Tumblr? any size or format limits?)

[northern-punk-lad]

Hot take

We would see more males listed as abuse victims if emotional and psychological abuse was treated as seriously as physical

We need to take all abuse seriously and combat to end it so there are no victims



[intersexcat-tboy]

"are men in danger of being harmed just because a woman said something mean?"

Do emotional and physiological abuse mean nothing to you?

Also, have you never heard of white women's tears, where Black men are often in danger due to what a white woman says?

[nemosopenletters-blog]

I just want to be important, too.

[its-simply-just-krys]

“Mouthful of Forevers”, Clementine von Radics

[lostmf]

By 11 shit was already fucked up

So I would be still 5 I guess

[amaditalks]

Gaslighting isn’t the same as lying.

Gaslighting also isn’t lying a lot, or lying and deflecting the lying by shaming the victim for not believing the lie.

Gaslighting is a long con. It is a practice of ongoing emotional/mental abuse, that doesn’t just involve lying, but manipulating or altering someone’s reality in order to make them question both the truth, and more importantly, question their own mental and cognitive wellbeing.

The reason that it’s called gaslighting is because the tactic was demonstrated in a 1944 film called “Gaslight” starring Ingrid Bergman. In the film, Bergman‘s character’s husband tries to make her have a mental breakdown.

He tells her that she is having blackouts (she’s not) and doing things that she didn’t do.

He steals things from her, and tells her that she lost them herself.

He makes noises in the attic of the house, then tells her that he wasn’t in the house at all.

He steals things from other people, puts them where she will find them, and then tells her that she stole them.

He puts his pocket watch in her purse and tells her that she stole it from him.

He isolates her from the world by telling her that her behavior is too erratic to be safe near others.

He encourages their housemaid to be cruel to her and to repeat his lies about her behavior.

And, to apply the title, he repeatedly causes the gas lighting (it’s set in 1875) in her bedroom to go dim, then comes into the room, and when she says that the lighting is dim, he says, no, it’s perfectly fine.

It goes well beyond just lying. Gaslighting is a setup to make the victim so confused that they’re unable to trust themselves and their own perceptions of the world around them or even themselves.

It’s beyond time to stop calling run of the mill dishonesty gaslighting.

[kaijuposting]

"Saw traps for people with moral OCD" is a phrase that has embedded myself into my brain because, well, Saw traps for people with moral OCD are everywhere.

Stuff that basically amounts to...

"You have to listen to my opinions on [issue], or else you don't care about [issue]. (Constantly talks about how people like you are the absolute worst.)"

Anything that's functionally like, "you have to let me tear you down over things you can't control or you're a bad person."

Anything that's functionally like, "you have to let me vent to you whenever and however I want or else you're a bad person."

"If you enjoy X media/trope, you just hate Y people."

"Everyone knows that X thing is harmful/hateful; if you engaged in it, it's just because you were fine with perpetuating hate/harm."

"You should have just known better/should know this already!"

This thread over here talks about the inherent issues of putting this kind of stuff out there. The TL;DR is that it really only works on people who are mentally unwell and have poor boundaries, while just pissing off everyone else. It really doesn't matter if you're technically correct; you're still attacking people, and that means they're not wrong to block you.

I think that many of these Saw traps are created when people effectively write posts directed toward people who don't want to help, rather than the ones who do. Like, if you catch yourself writing an angry, shame-laden post, ask yourself: who are you writing it for and what are the odds you're going to change their minds? If your mental image is some smug fuck or angry reactionary, you're writing for the wrong person. Write for the person who's curious, who's willing to learn.

Also? Work on figuring out how to transmute negative feelings into positive, encouraging rhetoric. EG:

"Why is there no X positivity?" -> "Let's hear it for X!"

"No one cares about Y problem!" -> "Hey, we need more recognition of Y problem" or "I haven't seen many people talking about Y problem, so here's some info on what's up."

"If you don't reblog this, you don't care about [group]" -> "Please reblog this, it would mean a lot for us [group]."

And if you're really super duper frustrated and want to vent with a lot of nasty words and sentiments? Consider taking it to a private vent channel or a journal or somewhere that a stranger with moral OCD/scrupulosity isn't likely to run across it.

Remember, most people don't want to hurt anyone. More people are ignorant than malicious. People naturally want to do the right thing, so if you feel like you have to guilt them or shame them into it, there's probably a fundamental communication issue somewhere, or they simply lack the context to understand why what you're saying is so important.

[flakops]

“guilt tripping”

[traumasurvivors]

Examples of invalidation through emotional abuse

When people order you to feel differently

“You need to get over it.”

Telling you how you should feel

“You really shouldn’t let this bother you” “You should feel thankful that…”

When people minimize your feelings

“It’s not that bad.” “You’re being over dramatic”.

Attempting to use “logic” to invalidate you

“Let’s stick with the facts” “There’s no reason to be upset…”

Passing judgement and putting labels on you

“You’re too sensitive.”

Making it your problem/isolating you

“No one else feels this way” “It’s not bothering anyone but you”

Trying to make you feel guilty

“I was only trying to help you…” “You’re bringing everyone else down with your feelings”

None of these things are okay. And while the person saying/doing these things may not intend to be emotionally abusive, that doesn’t change the effects these words have.

Your feelings are valid. Even if they don’t “make sense”. You deserve the space to feel them. While you should be mindful of how you handle them, you aren’t wrong for having them.

And also… please try not to be one of the people saying these things to you. You don’t deserve to hear them from yourself either.

[daddystinygirll]

Trauma is mourning the childhood you could’ve had

[witchyykitten]

everyone talks about cutting off a toxic parent

but no one ever talks about the pain of wanting a parent but knowing yours cannot love you the way they should