#i feel like I’m already stressed like what am I stressed about? is there a reason? not even Andreas it’s bothering me
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Dream Messages
Hello everyone, it’s been a hot minute since i posted a pick a card but uhhhhhh here u go lol. this pick a card is all about the messages your dreams have been trying to tell you. Center yourself, take a few deep breaths and chose the buggy image that calls to you. Take what resonates and leave the rest. I hope that this pick a card serves you well <3 love u
Pile 1- Caterpillar
Dream Oracle: Dog, Baby, Falling, Elevator
Tarot: 6 of cups, 7 of swords, 8 of swords, 9 of swords, 10 of pentacles, Temperance
(The dream oracle cards could have some themes that have been showing up in your dreams lately so check for some extra confirmation <3)
Hey pile 1 <3. You’re going through a period of growth right now (whether you resonate with ascensions, elevations, level ups, glow ups, etc) we have an ascending tarot number order ending with temperance. You may be super in your head and overthinking a lot right now or dealing with a lot of regret over the past or anxiety for a new experience (job, class, relationship, or creative project) but your dreams are trying to show you that everything is working out in a very aligned way for your best interest (*incredibly* stable, harmonious, and abundant). You’re being asked to follow your instincts during this new period and that it may not be exactly what you had envisioned or hoped for but it will be just as good or even better so be open to what the universe is trying to deliver to you. Everything will work out possibly even overnight (I’m seeing this build up of anxiety like “omg this is all going to blow up and explode” and then the situation is resolved in like the chillest manner ever). You’re undergoing *a lot* of healing while you sleep (possibly past life healing as well or having dreams of past lives) if you’ve been waking up exhausted or waking up multiple times during the night this is why (maybe check the time you wake up for some it could be a really opportune manifesting time). If there’s healing work you have been avoiding then your dreams are showing you what needs to be healed. I don’t get the feeling that it’s anything major, it’s something smaller that you’re just not really processing (character development/plot?? lol). Avoiding the work could cause a bigger problem in the long run. Your dreams have been reflecting your own reality so if you’ve been having stressful dreams, take a look at what the stressors are and how they could relate to your current experiences. Also so many cards came out so some of you could be feeling really overwhelmed at this time, make sure to delegate and to ask for help where you need it. At this time your dreams are trying to show you that you need to connect with what’s really important to you. Follow your instincts/intuition, do what you need to do but stay focused. I love you!!! <3
These mantras/affirmations come from the dream oracle deck, utilize them if you feel called to.
Dog: I pat myself on the back for expressing my instincts for love and loyalty.
Baby: With complete trust I allow the universe to midwife me into this new chapter of my life.
Falling: I am grounded in the bedrock of the here and now, rooted to the heart of unconditional love.
Elevator: I am moving up in the world, and I grow and glow from glory to greater glory.
Pile 2- Moth
Dream Oracle: Bridge, Dance, Chase
Tarot: 7 of cups, The Hanged Man R, 4 of pentacles
(The dream oracle cards could have some themes that have been showing up in your dreams lately so check for some extra confirmation <3)
Heyyyyy pile 2 are you guys into reality shifting or quantum leaping? If not, maybe there’s something you’re trying to manifest right now. Bridging that gap between where you are and where you want to be (what you want is already aligned). Maybe you’re literally dreaming of your dream life. You could also be experiencing some choice paralysis or you have a lot that you want to manifest in this life. Your dreams are telling you which manifestation is the most important to you right now. If there’s no indication then sit with yourself and really listen to what your heart and soul are calling you to. I feel that your dreams are trying to show you that you have subconscious blockage that’s preventing the manifestation. Or they’re showing you that you’re holding onto something that maybe you consciously don’t realize that you are. Subconscious programming/subliminals while you sleep would be really beneficial to you at this time (if you already listen to them then this is confirmation that it’s working). Drink more water. Change your perspective on how you can achieve your goals, maybe try something new (like spoiling yourself). I feel the key would be to really tap into your sensuality and luxury (big Taurus energy). Sacral chakra healing. Look into masturbation manifestation. Treat yourself how your dream self would treat you. Find out what self care really means to you. I do feel like you’re taking steps to achieve your goals so be proud of yourself for that. You are really powerful at this time, there’s just some illusion/blockage that needs to shatter before what you want manifests. Your energy felt really good pile 2 and your manifestations feel so close. Keep up the good work! I love you!!!! <3
These mantras/affirmations come from the dream oracle deck, utilize them if you feel called to.
Bridge: With my heart wide open, I realize that I am the energetic bridge that connects me from where I am to where I want to be.
Dance: Life is my dance partner, and I let it lead each step, each groove, and each move I make.
Chase: I can run but I can’t hide from my power.
Pile 3- Grasshopper
Dream Oracle: Ceremony, Elevator, Fire
Tarot: 2 of pentacles, The Devil R, The Lovers S
(The dream oracle cards could have some themes that have been showing up in your dreams lately so check for some extra confirmation <3)
Hey pile 3 I’m seeing that you guys are going through a major ascension/upgrade/level up right now. You could be going through a flame initiation or a kundalini awakening (iykyk). It feels like you have rediscovered your fire/passion recently. This fire is one of your greatest untapped gifts for real, use it wisely and intentionally because I feel it could burn people in your life if it’s not expressed. You could have just become aware of this potential and Spirit is congratulating you on that. You have come a really long way, healed, and taken accountability, it shows in your energy levels. Getting clear on what you want. There’s lots of good to come soon. You’ve released a bad habit/addiction/relationship/karmic (Spirit applauds you). If you haven’t released this yet then your dreams are showing you what it is and telling you to let go. Some situation is giving you a headache. I feel there are some distractions around and that’s what your dreams are showing you (most likely a person, unfortunately). “Glitter” by Tyler, The Creator except not all that glitters is gold. You have a really beautiful passion and fire within you, take care of it. I feel like telling you that Spirit is really really proud of you for this. I know this reading was really short but you just achieved something really awesome so I feel like some pressure has just been released so give yourself a little grace at this time. Pile 1 is also going through a level up but their energy was much more overwhelmed and worried but maybe there’s a message for you there as well. I love you!! I’m so proud of you!!! <3
These mantras/affirmations come from the dream oracle deck, utilize them if you feel called to.
Ceremony: I honor the changes through which I am going, growing, and glowing!
Elevator: I am moving up in the world, and I grow and glow from glory to greater glory.
Fire: I marvel at the miracle of alchemy as I transform and awaken to the full radiance of my destiny.
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— workplace sunshine | five hargreeves x f! reader
five gets a new partner on the job and wonders if life is really worth living.
warnings: nsfw implications
The CIA office smelled like burnt coffee and old carpet—about as thrilling as Five had imagined it would be when he begrudgingly accepted the job. He was neck-deep in evidence on a group he’s been keeping tabs on, “The Keepers”.
“This is your new partner,” came the deep voice of his boss, Lance Ribbons.
He didn’t bother looking up. “Great,” he muttered, flipping a page. “Maybe they’ll know how to file these without stapling everything upside down.”
When he finally glanced up, there you were. You practically bounced into the room, all soft eyes and bright smiles. During your training, you’ve had the pleasure of hearing all of his stories from Ribbons, and you could only be amazed seeing him in person.
“Hi! You must be Five! It’s so great to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you!”
He stared at you, unimpressed. “That’s unfortunate,” he said dryly, turning back to his papers.
Your smile didn’t waver. “Don’t worry! I’m great at teamwork, communication, leadership, yeah, just ask and I totally got it! We’re going to make such a good team!”
“Mm,” he replied, already wishing he could fire you.
Ribbons smirked from the doorway, clearly enjoying the exchange. “Don’t scare this one off, Hargreeves,” he said, a teasing edge to his voice. “You’ve gone through three partners in six months. Derek is barely holding on.”
“Not my fault they couldn’t keep up,” Five replied without looking up, his voice as sharp as ever.
“Well, I’m not going anywhere. I’m broke and I really need this job.”
Five glances at you once more before shaking his head in annoyance.
Over time he’s found himself able to rely on you for simple tasks like taking over his shift. Right now, he was at his niece’s birthday party, so you took over for him. You picked up on his habits faster than his previous partners, handled your work with ease, and even covered for him when he needed to step away. It takes a few months for him to fully trust you, until you get a call from him.
“We’ve got a problem.” Five’s voice sounds out through the speaker.
You raise your eyebrows, crossing your leg over the other. “Apocalypse-level problem, or chicken wing-level problem?”
“Oh—shut up.” Five snapped. “Cant you be serious for once? The fate of the universe is about to collapse and you’re making jokes.” You could tell Five just rolled his eyes behind the phone.
You grinned. “What else am I supposed to do?Crash out and curse at everyone around me? That’s your job.”
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Listen carefully. I was right. The Keepers are an organization that knows about the time jumps my family and I have done in the past. This situation is not as tame as we thought it was. This isn’t just some fan club. I’ll explain when I get back, but I need you to pull the most recent voice recording I took from the gym—everything on their meeting. Got it?”
“Got it. Anything else?”
“Yes,” he muttered. “Don’t screw it up.”
Five returned to the office after dispersing from getting drinks with his siblings, his usual scowl firmly in place as he made his way to his desk. It was late, and most of the building had gone home for the night. But you were still there, sitting cross-legged in his chair, listening to the voice recordings from his hidden mic.
“You’re in my seat,” he said flatly.
You glanced up, grinning. “You’re welcome, by the way. I worked on saving the fate of the universe while you were eating cake.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” he replied, brushing past you to check the files. “You saved me time. That’s all.”
You spin around in his chair, staring up at him. “Stressed, aren’t you?”
Five didn’t even glance your way, his eyes fixed on the manila folder. “I’m always stressed. It’s called existing in a world full of idiots.”
You feel the sides of your lips twitch up as you stare him up and down. As he always looked like that? You stand up and approach him, lifting a hand towards his hair. You mess with the brown locks of his scalp, causing him to stiffen.
The reaction was immediate. Five stiffened, his shoulders going rigid as his hand froze mid-page. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he said, his voice sharp, but the undertone of surprise betrayed him.
“You look like a mess.” You smirk, smoothing his hair down. Your faces were dangerously close.
He glared at you, though the faint pink creeping up his neck didn’t escape your notice. “You’re insufferable.”
“And yet, here I am, still your partner.” You leaned casually against the desk, tilting your head as you watched him return to the files. “Admit it—you’d miss me if I wasn’t here.”
He scoffed, his eyes narrowing as he tried to focus on the documents. “Miss you? Don’t be ridiculous.”
But you noticed how his fingers fidgeted slightly with the papers, a rare crack in his unshakable demeanor. The silence stretched between you, charged with something unspoken.
After a moment, he finally looked at you, his green eyes meeting yours with a flicker of something softer. “You’re lucky I’m too busy to deal with your nonsense.”
“Lucky, huh?” you said, smirking as you leaned in closer, your voice lowering slightly. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“Well don’t,” he replied, his voice was soft, but quick.
You stayed there for a moment, the air between you thick with tension. For once, Five didn’t pull away, and the way his gaze lingered on you felt different—less like irritation and more like curiosity.
“Well,” you said, breaking the moment with a low tone, “if you ever need some stress relief…you know where to find me.”
Five’s eyes narrowed, the sharp retort you expected faltering on his lips. Instead, his gaze lingered on you, the tension between you crackling like static in the air.
“You should be careful with offers like that,” he said finally, his voice quieter, more deliberate.
You tilted your head, a teasing smile curling your lips. “Who said I wasn’t?”
He stared at you for a beat longer, his jaw tightening as though weighing a decision. Then, with a barely perceptible smirk, he leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a low murmur.
“Don’t tempt me.”
#headcanon#x reader#five hargreeves#five hargreeves x reader#tua s4#tua season 4#tua five#tua#five x reader#number five#number five hargreeves#the umbrella academy#tua x reader#five hargreaves x you#klaus hargreeves#diego hargreeves#luther hargreeves#allison hargreeves#viktor hargreeves#lila pitts
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I need to be put in a waffle iron or something
#i am. really stressed!!#i hate being online i keep losing friends#Majority of them did shitty stuff to me and it makes me so sad#I already have trust problems so when people come and say theyll always be here for me and then the next thing i know im blocked because i#Expressed my discomfort about something shitty they did it makes those trust issues even worse#We were pretty close and now i regret telling him shit because he could use it against me#And im starting to fall out with my “best friend” irl. Everything is making me sick#I can’t do this anymore I really want to disappear#There has to be something about me so repulsive to people#That i just turn them away#its gonna be like that for the rest of my life isnt it? I probably wont even get a partner in the future#I just don’t know why I fuck up every friendship so bad even if it wasnt. My fault#I shouldve kept my mouth shut even if i was uncomfortable#my last friendships ended like this too#I caused a huge server fight by saying I was uncomfy and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me now because of it#even though some said they werent#I am just really lonely and feel like a piece of shit#Because I am one#I don’t really know if I want to keep being here anymore#I genuinely think nobody likes me#Even when I was in school nobody liked me#I was the “weird girl”#I just wish I was normal and likeable and then maybe I’d have friends irl#I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve considered suicide over it multiple times#I ruin everything#My friendships. My life. My parents marriage. My art. Everything.#I doubt anyone will read this or gaf so just. ignore me
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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#this is what I get for hyperfocusing on a currently airing canon queer ship to cope with life stress#instead of decades-old queerbait/non-canon#i want so badly to be able to focus on Oliver’s quote about wanting a bi hoe Buck phase if Buck and Tommy were ‘on a break’#bc I’m pretty sure that was the interview he said they were filming masks so he should’ve already known?#and it was also the one where he talked about overcoming obstacles in their relationship#and bi hoe Buck phase before getting back together would be#i don’t want to say the only good outcome. I’ll get over the shock and it’ll hurt less and I’ll see other okay options#but it would certainly be the best#but the things Lou is saying. and the way it feels so shoehorned in.#i am not insane (coughs. definitely not vagueing any section of fandom.)#and I’ve also been destroyed by hope twice in three days now. one obviously more globally significant than the other but.#yeah.#sometimes Ted lasso was wrong and it is the hope that kills you#i want to cling to that possibility but in the face of the episode itself I don’t think I can#it was obviously a last-minute thing for absolutely no narrative reason#and there’s no reason to shoehorn that in to create a getting together arc. there’s no reason to do that suddenly and impromptu#from either a narrative or a network perspective#honestly it’s not even entirely the breakup itself for me#i mean don’t get me wrong that sucks so bad on so many levels#but it’s the implication in Lou’s interviews that Tommy’s just gonna disappear now#he was fully enmeshed in the firefam and getting more and more so. he’s Eddie’s good friend!#that was a big part of what made it a good relationship but it was also just. really nice for Tommy#and I love him and I will be particularly devastated if the show just cuts him cold now#and everything Lou said like. makes it make SENSE from his perspective. in a way he obviously had to work for to be able to do it#but it still doesn’t make it a good or narratively satisfying breakup#or rather a good or narratively satisfying conclusion#specifically for Tommy!!! it makes it a decent and justifiable midpoint to a character arc about learning to be vulnerable#which is a really interesting arc you could do with Tommy! actually based on what we know about him!#if you hadn’t told Lou to go back to SWAT!#started typing these in an attempt to get the emotions out and instead I’ve just added irritation
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I hate being unable to trust my own judgment :(
#like what if everything I think I know about myself is wrong because I’m too young to know#I kind of hate the whole “you’re young so you don’t understand” as if I’m incapable of thought because of my age#but what if I’m not attracted to women 😰#I already told everyone#but what if I’m wrong#or something#because I’m also attracted to guys I think#😞#I’m so worried I’ll be wrong and I’ll have to pretend for the rest of my life#which is so stupid#but I can’t help it#it just stresses me out#:(#vent#don’t feel like this anymore I am free ❤️
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i feel like i’m wasting my time on schoolwork that i ultimately don’t care about when i could be taking pictures of bugs and drawing yaoi and discussing what kind of lingerie light yagami would like based on his sense of fashion and personality
#like idgaf abt any of this shit rn. i was academia brained for like 16 years give me a fucking break#ik i’m planning to start my masters right after i graduate but honestly i need a break i want to yaoi for some time#unforch that cannot happen bc i am on an invisible timer that says if i don’t speedrun everything in life i will die which i have always#felt since i was young#this could be the result of untreated anxiety tbh but who cares#anyway i went outside to see the fireflies and i was like i’m going to cry i never get to go outside bc i’m busy w school and if i do#go outside to have fun i know i’ll be more stressed bc now i have less time to do school idk man. it’s making me sick i’m so stressed#w school and home and my family and needing to do things and not being built for living under capitalism and shit and it sucks#and i just want to take pictures and talk abt things i like and not have to worry abt shit but life sucks so whatever#i just feel like i’m wasting time doing things i don’t care abt when i could be doing literally anything else#like i already spent so so many fucking years of my life depressed or socially isolated and it fucked me up and is still fucking me up#like i haven’t talked to anyone outside of my immediate family in months and my ocd makes life so hard and my family makes it harder#and i feel like i’m just stuck here and will never be truly happy and that i’ve wasted so much of my life being miserable and that i’m#running out of time and spending it all doing shit i don’t even care about and for what reason#idk. i’m tired so i’m probs not making sense but i’m just. not happy with how my life is and idk if i will be for a long time or if i’ll#ever make it far enough to be happy u know
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My brain is going a million miles an hour in a million different directions and this sucks so bad
#so our landlord in QLD is selling his house#which means we all have to leave#which tbh if that wasn’t the case#with everything happening in my head I might have just stayed here#I am SO stressed abt money from the kangaroo#I haven’t secured a job in Melb like id hoped#it seems like there’s not so much for me there anymore#cause it’s just too stressful to now find a job I’ll only have for like a month and a half#but also I already quit my job here#and my bf is coming to Melb so I have to be there now#but I’m also stressed about finding housing cause it’s not as easy when you’re not in a backpacker beach town#idk wtf to do#I don’t wanna leave the beach being 2 min from my house or the tiny little town that feels like my home now#I just got added into a giant group chat with tons of acquaintances etc#it took so long to BUILD what I have here#and now that I’ve finally got it I’m just leaving?#what the fuck#it’s so stupid#like I don’t WANT to leave#but I also want to have more experiences in Australia than just this one#and tbh REALLY the problem is I don’t want the time constraint of having to leave in March and only having spent 6 months here#like my bf and I agreed on#it’s just too short and the horizon is finally just stretching out before me#but I think it’d destroy our relationship if I stayed longer#because it’s been Too Much for him#which sucks#in a vacuum I would stay#for the full year#but I like#can’t. and tumblr has imposed a tag limit??? so I have to shut up now
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great i think i’ve finally caught a hint of a cold. my question is, where the fuck were you a month ago, when i could actually afford to take a day off?????
#😭#my throat is starting to feel a bit ehhhh and then my nose is runny and i keep sneezing *sighs*#make sense considering that i spent almost the entire weekend outside and that it kept raining once i was going home so#bjt still#also that part about loving chemistry and stuff I LIED#i’m starting to get sick of her#i spent the first five days of this week (well technically last because it’s already 12:17 am but) crying and stressing over it#and then the entirety of this weekend at school studying it#AND THEN i’m going to have to spend the entirety of next week ALSO studying it#and by entirety i mean entirety!!! like i’ll be excused from all classes nrxt week (from morning to afternoon pretty sure) to study the#materials. AND THEN this guy had the audacity to still keep the chem extracurricular going after school on monday 😭#and we usually go on until five HELP ME#AND THEN after that i have extra course and GUESS WHAT. on monday we have physics and CHEM. chem again 😭#the worst thing about this is that i knoww i’m not good enough to pass the first round anyways you know#it’s like i’m suffering through this for nothing it’s just aghhhh#bismillah though i guess#*smiling through the pain*#chem tag#nadirants
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I’m going actually insane rn tbh
#i want to say something but I’m afraid I’ll look like an asshole#but idk…if you don’t get more sarcastic or joking commentary#or don’t really do analysis#I’m not sure you’ll enjoy this blog!#and I really really really don’t enjoy getting comments that basically amount to ‘HUH?’ or otherwise miss the point#i know I don’t HAVE to explain everything but then I feel guilty and obligated to and it’s just stressful esp when it was lighthearted#I’ve been getting a lot of comments on stuff where it feels like people are just confused by me? or not reading all of the post? and idk#what to do about that bc it does bother me tbh#i get notifications for it yknow#like I do like having people interact but only if it’s actually relevant you know#AUGHH this doesn’t make sense. i should’ve been an askblog tbh#I’m not anti comment just. pro comments being about the post#/not missing something that was already addressed#i don’t want to seem mean it’s just stressing the hell out of me lmao#like am I really this bad at explaining myself?#ugh. sorry guys just disregard this#i mean I’m pretty genuine irl so if you legit don’t understand something you can just send me an ask. you don’t have to bombard a post#i don’t want people to be confused I’m happy to explain it#you can also put commentary in tags#PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS SERIOSULY IM JUST TIRED#and not v good w people stuff#afraid I’ve been seeming bitchy today. no one said anything but I’m afraid#my post
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there are times when i don’t know if I’m supposed to sit with an emotion or do something to distract myself and push it away. but then i worry that simply ‘pushing it away’ isn’t actually dealing with the issue, and instead just making it a bigger problem for another time. so am I supposed to work on improving my mood or not?
how am I supposed to know? how do I know when to process, when to distract, and when to sit?
#idk I feel like I never give myself downtime to just process#but when I do process it’s always when I’m more calm and not actively in it#so when I am deep into a feeling what am I supposed to do?#I end up isolating and doing nothing to better the situation#sometimes even delve into it with matching music like tonight#but then when I think about using a coping mechanism to help I think about smoking or driving or something similar#and that’s not necessarily ‘healthy’#so idk how to just deal with things?#or is it the distracting that *is* the dealing?#idk#I need a therapist or something#any input is welcomed#I’m gonna maybe puzzle or something#maybe even eat or call home#something#rant#just so sad and lonely tonight#wanting to walk up to his apartment and ask his thoughts#drive to the beach and not come back#let waves drown me instead of emotions and stress#and just have everything stop already#and be at peace
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#as an extra fuck me my body has apparently given out and decided this is a good time to get sick#because that’s really what I needed on top of everything else#I feel like I’m about to have a goddamn panic attack#but I need the money and don’t want to call out of work#I don’t want to be in the house anyways after that massive fight with my dad last night#but like#feels like there’s nowhere for me#need to rest and I can’t#need money but my work place was already stressful and now we’ve got the terrible newbie who’s causing problems to boot#i had nightmares last night and slept horribly#like where am I supposed to go? there’s no peace for me anywhere#it’s just suffering at the moment#I need a fucking break#feel like I’m gonna have an emotional breakdown the second I pull up to work#I’m so tired
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auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr
#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep#friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can’t do that.#but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them#which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair#I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done#and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song#w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends#okay where are we#I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more#and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am#I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying#in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff.#mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy#i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more#i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying#it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be#and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There#with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere#and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff#hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations#but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain#anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3#it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon#luke.txt#uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are.#I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane.#I think! I need to go to bed!#I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have.#philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway#point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.
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my tags got out of hand
i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
#oh my god i’m not the only person in the whole world who has Struggles and Difficulties#i am in pharmacy school which means i have no money no time etc and so every single thing that would bring an iota of joy or escape#must be cut for time because you haven’t studied for your exam next month so no you cannot start watching that the show.#and because you missed the deadline two weeks ago for that group project that the others did for you there will be no sitting at the piano#also you made a c and not a b on the exam yesterday so maybe instead of ordering takeout like you said you were going to#(because you know that you don’t buy real food on the rare occasion you go to the grocery store)#instead you’re gonna have to pick through your bare cabinets and empty fridge freezer for something. or just not eat#like you sometimes do#this is not a problem bc you’ve saved your money which you can’t afford to waste#that’s what they told you when you started: tell your friends you can’t see them much because a doctoral program is a time commitment#they said: you need to quit your side hustles and get an internship#they said: you need to ask for cleaning supplies for your birthday—and clothes and shoes bc tuition is very expensive#this isn’t some deficiency on your part. everyone else lives in isolation with no hobbies or entertainment too.#the only difference is that THEY spend all that time studying and reviewing and working and preparing—#while YOU are laying in bed all day because the thought of writing that paragraph is nauseating and tomorrows exam is slowly enveloping you#and you can tell because you had to retake those 2 classes and you have to retake another one this summer.#never mind that you still don’t know anything. just keep playing the part. stay afloat until this week’s exam is over#then you can worry about next week’s exams#(you WILL worry about next week’s exams)#learning the ukulele isn’t going to ease your stress it’s just gonna make you feel guilty#what do you mean you already feel guilty because you’ve pulled the ukelele out exactly twice since mom gave it to you for christmas?#that webseries updates 4 times a week. can you honestly tell me that you have 4 hours a week where you don’t feel shame#about not exceeding expectations anymore?#i thought not. close your compute— you didn’t even take it out of your bag.#do you ever take it out of your bag at home?#you don’t.#well i can see why you’re such a fucking failure#it’s 3:27 am but i won’t bother telling you to shower or brush your teeth- i know you don’t do that.#you went to bed three and a half hours ago now it’s time to sleep#maybe we’ll see what tomorrow has for us
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sometimes you need to cry. all day. for no real reason and every reason at exactly the same time
#i’m never coming off the pill again#that shit clearly made me numb#and that’s what i need in this dumb fuckin life#holy hell why am i remembering everything that’s ever happened to me#why do i feel like i never want to love again#AGAIN?? i could’ve just skipped the past four years if i was meant to feel like this#i already didn’t want to love i didn’t need a whole other person to show me the exact same lesson#lol#i’ve also been crying thinking about my brothers kids going to school and possibly getting bullied#or just being sad and stressed about exams and just life!#?#shits eating me up for no reason#lmao i could never be a mother the emotional turmoil is too much
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They should create a version of doing poorly mentally that you can tell your friends about without stressing them out
#like my friends are all already so stressed and busy that the idea of going to any of them and being like#‘hey just so you know - I am having to dedicate most of my mental energy these days into not breaking down into deep sobs’#‘like it’s fine I’m not going to die or anything - I just feel like my life is deeply stagnant and that I should just run away’#‘and it wouldn’t impact anyone except my job because I’m deeply deeply isolated and don’t know how to solve that anymore’#like!!! I hate being a burden on them!!! I know the last thing anyone needs is to hear whatever sadness is living inside me!!!#i just. i don’t know what to do. besides what I always do. which is just keep going and push it all down.#which to be fair has been relatively effective so far in terms of ‘keeping me alive and productive’ because eventually things get better#but man. sick of it always being eventually better. what about right now. can I have a good right now.#brain thoughts#to probably delete later
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