#only had one coffee today!!!
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customer service will have rural girls at their most incomprehensible
#i start spitting out slang i haven’t used since i was 5 trying to help my grandad build a shed#don’t get me started on what the accent gets up to#esp bc in a team of 7 at the coffee shop i work at im the ONLY ONE local to the town#so I’m the designated Proper Rural One. if I so much as say ‘ta ra’ (and i do. a lot) they take the mick#we’ve had a barista transfer from london and he was going OFF today about ‘people keep talking to me’ yeah they’ll do that pal 😭#‘not even small talk they insist on having full conversations and I can barely tell what they’re saying’ 😭😭#that’s someone’s farmer grandma let her BE#hella slaves to capitalism
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13.09.23, wednesday
today’s one of those days again, I feel like I’ve hit a wall with everything I’m doing and I also have a headache, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get all my courses done and everything suuucks. I need to send some emails tmrw bc I’m confused about so many things
things done today:
2h of coding (ish, bc of the aforementioned wall so it was a lot of ”how the fuck” googling and thinking)
gym workout
sent an email (one less email for tmrw yay, was the one I’m second most stressed about)
#it’s only 6pm but i’m calling it quits for today#all anything is doing is making the headache worse and also giving me anxiety and dread#i think the culprit is that I only had one cup of coffee and I need that caffeine for the dopamine/serotonin#bookblr#studyblr#booklr#aesthetic#books#study#reading#read#book#studyspo#dark academia#september 2023#2023
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I LOOOVE LOVE ALL THE NPCS IN PRIME DEFENDERS!! THEYRE EACH SO UNIQUE AND COOL, WITH THE GREATEST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY GIVE TO SUPER HEROS IN A SUPER HERO UNIVERSE: WAAACKY FUCKIN SUPER POWERS!! (MADE WITH ONLY PEN AND COLORED PENCILES, MISTAKES CORRECTED WITH PAPER N GLUE)
#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#QUIIIICK TAKE IT BEFORE I NOTICE MORE PROBLAMS!! THIS TOOK TOOOO LONG TO MAKE#I STRUGGLED WITH THE COLORS BECAUSE you see. i had ONLY red pens and orange pens but NO pencils of the color#ALSO no brown pencil so i HAD TO COLOR MIX FOR THE SHADES. It was only today that i got a brown pencil (not even a good one)#i scribbled on a paper with the red n oranges to put it on lightly and it was HARD but i think it worked okay#NOT BAD FOR MY STUPID SEt up where i only use what i can steals from left over things at the school i work at#ANYWYAY SO PRIME DEFENDERS HUH#SIUDDENLY GOT OBBSESSED WITH IT AGAIN OUTA NOWHERE AUUGHHH THE BRAIN ROOOOTTTTM#I REALLY LOVE HOW THE NEW EPISODES HAVE BEEN GOING TEHEHEHEEE#I LOOVE THAT ALASTYR CROSS IS HERE MY BABY BOOYYY LOOK AT HIM ALL GROWN UP#HES SO STRANGE AND ODD AND SILLY AND POSSIBLY DANGEROUS#I ALSO LOVE FLOW!! IVE ONLY KNOWN HER A DAY AND UHH I WOULD UHH I WOULDD WAVE AT HER N SAY HAIIIII :333#OH ALSO UH#SO THE UH#SO LE FROG AND WORDSMITH HUH#YOU HAD ME AT 'but i LOVE youu'#LIKE IMAGINE RIGHT? LIKE JUST THINK ABOUT IT? JUST PONDER IT FORA SEC#IMAGINE THOSE TWO ON A COFFEE DATE WITH LEFROG IN FULL COSTUME AND WORDSMITH ACTIVELY TRYING TO LEAVE#I SHIP EM NOT BC THEY WORK WELL TOGETHER IM SHIPPIN EM BC ITS SOOOOO FUNNY#BUT REMEMBER. THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF CRACKSHIPS. CRACKS CAN LEAD TO CAVERNS. AND 40 TO 50 PEOPLE GET LOST IN CAVES PER YEAR#ANYWAY THAT S MY RAMBLE I AHVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW#BAIII THANKS FOR READIN MY RAMBLES
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a bitch is real sad
#I hope at least one thing will make you smile today!#up until now I: had an ugly argument with a friend spilled coffee on my white shirt dropped and hence broke a glass#andddd had to deal with exceptionally rude customers#can't believe it's only thursday#v rambles
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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guysss I love my job rn 🫶 I’m like getting good at making the drinks?? And like my coworkers and managers are all soooo nice like I get along with everyone? Plus it’s sooooo refreshing and fun working on a farm idc u get to see the animals and the families having fun…
#like tour guiding I’m nervous about LOL#but the coffee barn? I LOVE#we only had one lady hate her drink today LOL#she was like ‘this is disgusting’ and me and my coworkers were like 🧍♂️🧍♂️🧍♂️#VWJSHDHDHXUD#it’s a lil cramped bc we work in a food truck#but honestly it’s fun?#and when it gets busy it’s a lil crazy but#not too bad#ooc.#delete.#I’ll try to write more soon#it’s just starting a new job is harddd#work shenanigans tag
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being the only indigenous person in my company means i get some strange ass comments and i got MANY today but the funniest is my coworker asking how many mammals ive killed?? like huh?!?? i didnt even know what to say to that one, and it was SO outta nowhere
#for some reason they all think im some like god of the hunt and keep asking me for advice or asking me if theyre right about this or this a#im over here like. i only got harvesting rights last year. and i do not understand the white mans way of hunting#so stop bringing me into this 😭😭😭😭#its funny as hell tho#definitely a step up from them saying ´those savages on the rez are starting the wildfire on purpose so they can get a free stay in the cit#that one was wild. like bro im right here?!?? and also ive been impacted by wildfires ive had family have to be evacuated to hotels ive alm#t had to and nobody fuckinh wants that?!??#anyway#so many funny racist moments today idk what was in the coffee this morning but i had insane comments from EVERYBODY
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i've got crosshair-level shaky hands today. this is unacceptable
#is it because i had one (1) cup of coffee and only one (1) cup of coffee for breakfast today? and nothing else? yeah maybe#shaking my head come on margin you're better than this#margin rambles#but seriously i almost dropped my toothbrush this morning. what is this. i don't like it
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People always buy flashlights for if their electricity goes out — and I do own flashlights and a lantern — but I also bought a pack of headlamps at Costco awhile back and, boy howdy, are these things handy.
#it me#my electricity has been out for nearly twelve hours#and they have estimated it’ll be another five before it’s restored#I worked in a coffee shop this morning#and then took my laptop to the library to finish out the workday#thankfully I only had one call today and it was first thing this morning#so I took that from my house
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I have this weird feeling that my life is ending. Despair. Anxiety. Grief? Like I’m living in a Charlie Kaufman film and I’m still at the point where I haven’t accepted that I’m dead, but things are falling apart around me. But everything also feels the same. Like nothing’s changed. That nothing’s different at all. Not even me, not even the things happening around me. Like this is how it’s always been but I just never noticed it, and that it’s not even that bad anyway but there’s this encroaching, foretold doom stalking me sunset by sunset. I say this in the least psychotic way possible because besides the fear, I’m totally calm about all of this. And the fear feels like it should be debilitating but it’s not. Just a dull ache where instinct should be. More Eraserhead than Synecdoche in that way. If anything I’m more worried that I don’t feel more worried than I do. But maybe that’s me trying to invoke calamity by speaking it into existence. That I’m not satisfied with my destabilizing reality, that I deserve an all-at-once-apocalypse, just to get it over with. Just to have something different. Change. Transfiguration. Annihilation?
Sometimes I don’t express my feelings because I don’t know how to say them without sounding pretentious
#but here I am saying them anyway#everything is changing and staying the same at the same time#like I’m stuck in the air like the coyote in the old Roadrunner cartoons#waiting to fall#but I don’t#but maybe the waiting is the fall?#i don’t really know what I’m saying I guess#I never have haha#that’s what I’ll say if someone asks me about it#because I always say that#anyway I only had one cup of coffee today so it’s not caffeine anxiety this time#this is just regular anxiety#or maybe I’m right! and maybe everything’s over!#who’s to say?
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every time i drink i remember this is why i tell myself insist to myself that i don't drink bc if not then i do drink and when i do oh boy
#i mean alcohol tastes like shit#but unghf#i'm high hehehehe#n i only had a little bit#i wanna make irish coffee but no one else wants#tomorrow my sister n i will have#also today was the first day in over a month tht i had the pulsatile tinnitus#and for a kind of long while too#i hope it's not coming back#did not miss that#cloud nonsense#also for some reason tht alcohol trigged my asthma#also i hv gone mute akllfakjs;f
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it’s that time of week again…
#and M A N today’s getsuyoubi was extra yuuutsu#first i dropped 2 cup things filled with water. cool. a mess was made. nice.#t h e n my workstation shook by itself and one of the cup things toppled down again. only it was filled with (diluted) acid this time!!!!#i wish it fell onto me bc at l e a s t my bad day would’ve ended with just an acid burn instead of getting worse#bc *then* we found out that we were near-out of [insert reagent here] that we need to run blanks for [test thing] yay!!!!! joy!!!!!!!!!#so we had to use a substitute solvent (sadge)#if only it ended there aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#i left work on time -> waited forever for the delayed bus -> decided to get some coffee or sth as a pick me up t h e n…#the coffee place happened to run out of single bags so i decided to put it into my bag instead (mistake)…#…a n d dropped my phone while trying to prop the stupid drink upright so it wouldn’t spill.#unfortunately for me though... some rando picked up my phone some time within the 30s-1 min wherein i realised that my phone was gone…#…and took it home with him instead of handing it to the customer service counter at the nearby train stations. ha.#called my phone a couple of times with the phone from a customer service counter but he~~ didn’t~~ pick up~~~~~~~~~#and so. long story short. i had to leave the house an extra time to go to this guy’s place to pick up my bb (read: my phone)#bc the dude~~~ can’t~~~~ speak~~~ english~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ so he didn’t understand me when i told him my location~~~~~~~#and now it’s almost 8.30 in the pm. im waiting for the delayed bus to go home from wherever tf i am now. and i haven’t eaten all day :))))#(aside from a small cake thing but it’s negligible tbh)#aND HOLY FK I HATE THIS I FLAGGED DOWN THE BUS BUT IT SKIPPED THE STOP HELP ME I JUST WANNA GO HOME#.am i allowed to cry yet. i. just. i just wanna eat my dinner.#…come to think of it my drink ended up spilling in my bag while i was hunting for my phone. so. there’s that to clean up ig.#ughhhhhhhhh i wish that guy had just left my phone where he found it. s o b s#so yeah. if you read this i hope you had a good monday at least…#this truly is my ✨t r a g i c c o m e d y✨
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i yearn for a lavender iced coffee so bad it could fix me it could make the world feel bright n loose n free
#i am forever thinking about the one i had in vancouver years ago#its literally the only time ive ever had one and o my god#the only place near me that had good iced coffee closed down last year o(-<#im super picky w milky coffee so much of it tastes soso bad 2 me i wish i could love it but it just gives me a headache#im going to get my picture taken for my passport today and i need the life boost so bad
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im so fucking mad at myself at my mother at her dead husband at god fucking knows what. "concentrate on yourself" well i cant can i. now more than anything i should and i cant. losing my fucking mind istg
#i wasted the whole fucking weekend because i *had to* come visit her and once i visited i *had to* hang out with my fucking grandfather#watching him cry about grandma and bitch about modern times and the waiter not doing his job because the café was full to bursting#and it took longer than usual to get our coffees so ofc he had to loudly insult him in third person. oh and then he had to bitch about#gay people and women who dont want children too because of he did. and i sat there and listened to it because i HAD TO#wasted four fucking hours. and then i HAD TO go to the theatre with my mom because she got us tickets because she wanted this#to be a nice day for me but i dont have fucking time to have nice days rn but in order for HER to have a nice day i need to at least pretend#i am having one. so i wasted another almost two hours on that play#which was some modern uselessly loud to the point of being physically painful bullshit bad enough that we left mid-show#and then i had to go meet with her friends so lost another two hours and by the time i got home to write that bullshit thesis it was 11pm#and i barely got anything done till 1 am because i went through another stupid little mental breakdown and then it was almost 6 am#and i had to stop because i had a train at 8 and i already only slept like 3 hours that day#and then i got home yesterday totally fucking exhausted and i started reading stuff for the thesis but i was falling asleep so i laid down#'for 10 minutes' and i woke up today at 6. not having written a word lol#and now i could just say fuck it and defend it in september and it would make my life so much easier. but my voice teacher wants me#to get accepted for the masters degree even if im already planning to get the deans leave for the first semester so like. god.#i cant do this lol#i know i should have started earlier but i was kinda busy losing my fucking mind and lying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours#and contemplating dropping out completely lol god i hate my life so much it's unreal
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Quiz night tonight. And it is AWFUL weather. I will be staying in the office until I have to leave for quiz.
My desk is a mess and I have 113 emails.
CHAOS.
#deep breaths#let's focus on getting the exam scripts done first#then emails#then tidy my desk#and then some more emails#also I have a headache so painkillers for that first because I have only had one coffee today
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anybody else pent up with something more than usual today or is it just me
#it's valeriia talking#1. saw the mummy yesterday w my bf so obv v bisexual mentally rn#2. on my second day of my period but also hooked up earlier today#3. super excited to work my fav shift then go shopping for a sexy outfit and see challengers tomorrow#4. got so distracted by how hot a coworker looked today almost drove into a wall#5. just jittery in general even though i only had one coffee earlier today#6. having a lot of feelings abt buck/eddie#like. so many things
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