#i dont think im ever going to have a day of nothing ever again
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Deadass. I'm am not catching a fucking break. I don't think I ever am gonna.
#if something aint gone wrong im busy#and if i aint busy somethings gonna go wrong#i dont think im ever going to have a day of nothing ever again#i was gonna have a rest day tomorrow bc ive been going full throttle for the last three weeks#but no#my mums eye had fucked itself so she probably wont be able to drive#and ill have to haul ass an hours one way to droo my sister off at the train station#which is fine and would be more fine if i wasnt LITERALLY RIGHT THERE TODAY AND NOW HAVING TO FACE GOING AGAIN#ESPECIALLY AFTER ALREADY GOING ANF FAILING A DROP OFF LAST WEEK#AND MY WRIST FUCKING HURTS SO BAD#i mean i feel great ig but im just so fucking tired man
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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the most gorgeous man I've ever known sent me a drunk voice message hurt that i left my job at the bar he goes to without telling him and adding that he saw me on tv speaking about palestine, which turned into me telling my ex boss to give him my number, and the sober voice message was much worse because this sweet guy just tells me that he's so proud of me and then i can feel him like talking with a constricted throat saying he understands that i left and closes with "from the river to the sea" and doesn't it just suck that some things have no hope of ever beginning and yet still end somehow
#there is literally no way something could have come of it he lives in that pub and i don't want to go back there#he has addiction problems and I never had a relationship with anyone#it still sucks that these are facts cause i liked him a lot. and also im not kidding when i say he is the hottest dude I've ever seen.#this is maybe the first time i wish i was heterosexual and/or have less impulse control#radio live transmission#sorry over sharing again cause the psychologist still has to tell me when the first appointment will be#(they kinda also told me i dont really need one which is funny bc the first time i try not to do things alone in my life#bc im pretty sure this hyper self reliant and aloof behavior might be a problem and im told actually im doing splendid.#i won at therapy ig)#also i told everyone there that i moved back home because im a lying liar and#thank god he still hasn't done the math that he saw me on tv still in turin#ive had Cold as Ice by the Foreigners playing on loop the entire day trying to get back in character#like. you'd think if i HAVE to experience something close to heartbreak then at least i could have had sex with the#hottest guy in the city. no. i just get the half assed symptoms of it after having conversations with him every weekend for three months#ranging from his cocaine addiction to police violence to the one time he was staring at nothing by the store room where i went to pick stuf#and he offered to take me to miami and i panicked and joked that he didnt have the money and left.#this sucks.
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i hate doing laundry ough it's The Worst
#not only does leaning down to move my stuff hurt my back#but i have to touch dirty clothes and go into the dirty room and touch the dirty machines and i have to wear 2 pairs of socks (so my#normal socks dont touch the contaminated floor) and when i lean over the washing machine my clothes touch it <-the worst part of it all#tbh. now my current clothes are dirty but i have nothing to change into and i will have to wear them all day and it makes me SICK#and i cannot talk abt how dirty the garage (where the laundry machines are) it makes me nauseous that place kills me if i never#had to go into it ever again i would and i have to carry a laundry basket (dirty) and it touches my clothes when i carry it (disgusting)#and now my clothes are even more dirty and i feel like i cant touch any of my things bc i dont want to infect them but i cant just do#nothing all day when i have to do laundry but it makes me so SICK i need smth to cover all of my clothes but everything i've tried misses#some part and my clothes are ruined and it makes me SICK how am i supposed to do school or draw or anything when it's so bad#i have everything scheduled so i can take a shower and go straight to bed after i'm done but still it's so bad and it stresses me tf out#and i have to do laundry every 3 days because i only have 3 towels to use after showering and even if i did have more towels#i still would have to do laundry as often bc i couldnt handle doing multiple loads or having bigger loads my back couldnt handle that#w the system i have set up now it's just bad it;s all bad i hate doing laundry#i dream of one day where i can do laundry in a better way i think it'd involve not having the washer and dryer down steps bc that's#dangerous for one and for two not having them in a garage bc garages stress me out and three to have smth to cover all of my clothes#and 4 to have machines that dont need me to bend down idk if they have ones like that but it hurts#anyway that's it for listening to dux complain abt smth that ultimately doesnt matter and is only a problem bc their brain#chemistry is off#k bye i have to go do laundry *explodes* and take an exam *explodes* it;s an essay exam *explodes* and then im going#to like sit around feeling sick thumbs up emoji
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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#vent#tw suicide#tw sh#kinda#i hate hate hate having bad days#for no reason nothing happened nothings wrong i just suck#i just want to ruin everything with everyone i know and then kill myself#i wish i could stab myself to death#i Should be studying and i want to watch voltron but i cant stop just wasting my time on my phone#i want to rip myself open and bleed to death violently#actually remembered to cut my nails this morning so i cant even do anythign. they dont even cut into my palm at this length.#and anything else is too much effort im a low-effort self harmer💀#ugh i would actually love to die lowkey kinda idk but i live by this one thing i read#‘if my depression wants be dead its gonna have to kill me itself’#im not doing noones dirtywork#me when healing isnt linear#i should be over all of these things i have been over all of these things why am i so bothered again#chronic cant move on-er#i wish i could disappear#i think i took a hit i cant come back from#like mentally/emotionally#well several hits#i wish someone liked me#like really liked me. the way i like people. more thsn they like anyone else#im not good enough on my own i meed somelne to hang onto#human parasite#something something everything ive ever let go of has claw marks on it#ive never not ruined something
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guys i need to be dancing at a house party tipsy with someone im attracted to so bad btw. ive never been to a house party in real life (though id quite like to at least once) but i really have been desperately needing that specific (probably awful for me) sensory and social environment so bad lately
#just me rambling again#i keep looking through ao3 to try to find smth with the exact vibe im looking for but cant :(( might have to grab hold of some old or some#half made ocs and write it myself idk. or just like. find a way to experience it irl#oh btw ! tmrw night slumber party w one of my friends who ive been wanting to hang out with more + also happens to be the one i recently go#to smooch on the mouth :3333#the stated purpose is ive been trying to get her to yap at me abt her biggest fandom / interest for ages and just explain all of the lore#and story and characters to me bc ive been wantign to hear abt it from her but we just havent had a good time#and also i cannot lie i hope that i can smooch them on the mouth again! theyre such a lovely person and so very pretty#ive been meaning to tumblr tag ramble abt that for a bit and forgot anyways i have straight up told them and also one of our other friends#that if they get invited to a party ever they should please please lpeaseeeeeee see if they can invite me along#my brain has a half assed hope at maybe getting the teen party experience (most likely not oging to happen for me but it is a real life#possibly grounding for little daydream of wants) bc a somewhat popular guy the year below me (guy i fancied when i was in the play fun fact#for any loyal frog lore enjoyers) put smth on his instagram story like if i throw a bday party is anyone interested ?? with like a story#poll and obviously i picked the affirmative bc i dont know him super well but he knows a lot of ppl i know and i did a cool photoshoot with#him once idk im hoping if its a big event i have a shot at going (as aforementioned--not going to happen in real life but a man can dream)#sigh i recently made a new playlist of the weird yearning ive got going on rn and the flavor of my minds niche longings#its a good playlist#idk ive been so nothing recently im just excited that i get to see my friends this weekend i get to hang out w some of my besties tmrw#through the day too im very excited#OH ALSO omg im just throwing every single diary update i have into one post now ig but erm#ive realized recently (last week or two) that i think im finally 'over' my most recent relationship?#like im still sad abt the fact that my high school best friend.. doesnt talk to me anymore#and im still coping with all of the nightmare insecurities i have deep in my mind being proven correct within the past however many months#but like i only just registered oh hell yeah at the very least i dont have like. romantic feelings of any sort still towards her? i do#love my wonderful ex gf shes such a lovely person and for a long time was an amazing friend to me#but it feels like a weight is off of my chest i straight up was sitting in the feeling of well i'll be missing her forever and i just have#to live like this forever oh well but like. no im chilling in that regard actually we're clear.#idk ive had like nothing going on lately i work and school and i think about my feelings SOMETIMES#i try not to generally but they always get in somehow you know how it is.
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Y'know the fun thing abt how I've set up the society that the main stalien cast comes from is that even the most broad general trends across stalien societies tend to not apply to them. So everytime I yap about how most herds form and the general trends in their societies I just get to remember mid yapping that basically none of this will ever be evident or even come up in the main story. Damn isolated motherfuckers
#rat rambles#oc posting#eternal gales#Ive talked abt them before I think but long story short way back the area was both filled with a lot of different plantlife but also a lot#of animals including various predators and pests#and since the seasons in this region are a lost less comically opposed to eachother generally there was less diversity in terms of herd#specialties and migration cycles would tend to be on a smaller scale with less overlap between herds#as such one herd eventually went yknow what would be cool? if we just cut out the parts of the local ecosystem that annoyed us and caved in#the tunnels leading to the rest of the continents cave system so nothing we dont like gets in either!#which was such a bad idea they ofc immediately did it and were faced with about a billion crisis's over the course of forever because of it#starting with the overpopulation problem which lead to them bleeding into the surface and leading into the still ongoing famine#plus again like a bilion other problems over the course of a couple centuries#a lot of the fucked up shit going on in their society all are bandaid fixes to the bandaid fixes to the bandaid fixes of the original chaos#in particular theyre currently being hit hard by their corpse crisis thats been rapidly getting worse and worse#man if only there were organisms that specifically evolved to be able to assist with the breaking down and decomposition of stalien bodies#oh well. anyways lets kill more kids to solve this Im sure that will go well#again cannot emphasize enough that this society has been in an almost comical downward spiral for centuries its Bad#theres a lot more to it on a political level ofc but generally speaking most of the modern day struggles of this society stem from that#initial decision to gut the local ecosystem#now to be abundantly clear. this isnt the only society where shit is fucked. its not like the rest of stalienkind all live in utopias#plus the reason this society is so comically distopian is because well. its kind of on the verge of collapse.#with the way things are going they really dont have much more than a century or so at most before things fully cave in on themselves#technology has been allowing them to hang on by a thread but the ever growing food and general resoruce shortages have eaten away at the#foundations for so long that they again really don't have long before things start going Really badly#starvation is already carving at the working class and they aren't getting enough population intake to keep things up as they are#so either things will need to be wildly reformed like within the decade or shit is going to hit the fan real hard#to be clear Im sure the population wont be completely wiped out but the current society will be dead and gone#again not like right this second but likely within the next century#it wont be overnight but it sure will suck real bad for everyone#so yeah. a real downer but at least we wont have to watch all that happen in the comic. we can say its up to interpretation.
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I have now made it to six weeks, I think, of my daily mini workouts. Unfortunately doing it this consistently has in fact not made it any easier in the slightest. In honesty, it is harder because I do not have the momentum of the initial change. I am still going though
In reality too I probably have 2-3 weeks left at most that I will do, because after that I will no longer be home alone in the apartment. Still will have been worth doing I hope, so that I can do it easier when I eventually have the space long term
#i just truly hate being observed doing anything#i hate showering when people are home#i hate working doing a singular push up while people are around#i hate cooking or doing basically any activity that is purely 'for me' when others are around#it's something worth pushing back on i know#but in many ways it is sort of one of those things that is just like.... in me so deep that i dont think i could like#ever stop being uncomfortable it would just be another discomfort i would put up with#because in many ways i DO#because i do have to make food for myself and i do have to shower and whatever else#but once you get past the list of 'have-to's it makes it kinda impossible to want to add in optionals#which again i feel like this is my core emotional relationship with the world#there is almost nothing i cant do if i set my mind to it#but that has no bearing on my comfort level#so i spend all my discomfort on the things there is no negotiating#like man i was thinking how it's so crazy that im 30 and who knows the last time i kissed someone#and in many ways i doubt it will happen ever again#which is like a shame i liked it that was cool#i remember being in head over heels love multiple times in my life#but man i don't think i could coordinate getting that going now#i have to make three meals a day and do my laundry and go to work and buy groceries#i have to brush my teeth and floss#i have to take showers and take my clothes off before and out them back on my wet skin after#every time i eat i have to clean my bowls and dry them#and now it's the winter so if ive been washing dishes i should really moisturize my hands#so where in the hell is anyone supposed to fit falling in love in all that?#and dont even get me started on allowing them into my bedroom
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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"have you eaten?" "yes" i said, like a liar
#vent#ed tw#i havent been coping very well and i've been lying to my parents about my disordered eating in these past few days#i did have breakfast. and a chamomile. and a plain tofu burger. about 7 hrs ago#couldn't bring myself to eat anymore because i just. cant#i had a panic attack earlier and another one yesterday and im drained because i havent had this many in a row in years#and if im reverting back to how i was a decade ago im killing myself this time without a question because now i know how it goes#i feel like nothing could ever fix the situation im in in general in life and just thinking about it is sending me into a panic again#i feel so alone yet so overwhelmed and so stupid and so tired of everythibg#tomorrow i have breakfast with my friends and i cant just not eat because they will absolutely force me to#like theyve been around long enough to just know without asking too many questions but still making sure i eat#also i didnt plan anything for lunch and my fridge is half empty bc i didnt have the physical strength to go grocery shopping#so i have i think yoghurt bananas tofu burgers and water#also one tomato. just checked#im so tired i want to die and not out of despair but out of exhaustion#like. i did what i had to do in this life. failed miserably. seen enough. i dont think being here for any longer would be fun#sorry if you followed me via ao3. i vent a lot here. sorry.#being an adult with these issues that teens usually have is mortifying. genuinely
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boo hoo sad pity party posting hours LMAO but I rlly truly don't think I will ever be in another relationship again. I don't feel that I will every b desirable or deserving enough, and I don't feel like I will ever even b seen as a guy n idk. I just don't know.
#mayave its imposter syndrome maybe its internalized transphobia but i dont think any gay man would ever date me bc i dont thibk any of them#would thibk of me as a man. idk. maybe this will change once i start like. PHYICALLY transitioning but i rlly feel like theres no hope 4 me#i feel like i will always be thought of as a woman for the rest of my life i feel like i will never pass as anything but a woman i feel like#i dont have any positive qualities i don't like a single thing abt myself i dont thibk im capable of loving someone im so distant w everyone#im so scared of phyically and emotional intimacy i feel like a burden i dont even know how to act like a man and i KNOW that thst isnt a#fucking thing i KNOW theres no right way of being a man i know that logically but still the fact that i grew up isolated from men and#that i rarely interact w them even to this day i have no male friends no male role models nothing im so scared im gonna like.#break social rules n shit which is RIDICULOUS bc once again there's no right way to b a guy or to preform masculinity and also im so early#in my transition no one even knows im a guy anways. but also im worri3d bc of thst no one will ever seen me as one unless i start conforming#to traditional masculinity and i dont know now to emulate it bc ivenonly ever seen it from afar i dont actually know what guys talk about#howbthey act around eachother what is socially acceptable or not i dont have a clue bc i dont ever interact w men and its like. fucking#stupid of me to even want to know bc it shouldn't matter to me BUT IT DOES and it makes me so anxious that i do not know how to emulate it#even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how bc i grew up in a fucking cult and i know so little men and i have terrible social skills n i#probably have autism which just. everything is compounded upon eachother n i feel like im going crazy i dont think ill ever be enough.#I hope i'm in a better mental place when i start t but even that im so fucking bad at doing things bc i have executive dysfunction that like#i havent even started tbe process or called thr clinic im just likem fucking spiraling. I hope my mindset becomes healthier once I start.#anwyss lol. do u guys like me? bc i feel like im unbearable n im trying not to be let me know if u do or not so i can try to cahnge ^.^#🪽
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Genuinely thinking about giving at least some of my alcohol away. Not quite wanting to get rid of my favorite vodka flavors yet, but the other ones + the ciders in my fridge...
Just kinda don't want them lol
#speculation nation#i still haven't had any alcohol since february 14th & i still dont know if ill ever want to drink again#the thought of alcohol just kinda makes me sick now.#ive enjoyed it in the past but now it just makes me think about how my dad died from alcoholism.#ive never been a binge drinker bc if i have more than 4 drinks at a time it Will make me nauseous#and ive only really drank maybe once or twice a month. usually no more than once a week at the most.#so like it's not like ive had much of a problem with alcohol before now#but it's also been my go-to for calming down my brain when im freaking out#and i have a history of using it as a form of self harm.#so a part of me knows that alcohol isnt good for me. and a part of me is scared of turning out like my dad someday.#better to just have nothing to do with it entirely. i dont want it. i dont want anything to do with it.#but at the same time my peach and strawberry vodka bottles are still relatively new and relatively full#and it'd feel like a waste of money to just give it away...😭😭😭😭#so maybe ill hold onto those. for a bit longer. idk.#i dont even know if this current mindstate is gonna keep up. it's only been a bit over a month.#maybe someday i'll feel leas uncomfortable around alcohol again#... but today is not that day. i dont want this fucking alcohol.#negative/#i guess. im just kinda trying to sort out my thoughts on it.#self harm ment/
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Sometimes there's just lids on things u don't wanna open
#the queen of smash (mun)#idk its dumb and stupid but ever since i've been playing more visual dating sims#i just get these days where i feel like....nothing????#like. not a girl just a body this compile of personhood#and like idk maybe its cause visual sims lets you have so much cleaner interaction with selfhood and gender#compared to irl where i live in a country where HRT is smth thats difficult to comeby so overall ALL of it feels messy#demigirl works out fine enough for me but idk i just. somedays i feel LESS like a girl and more. nothing#i dont fully like it because it just feels like im faking it?? jumping on a bandwagon???#almost half of the friends i've made or have on tumblr pretty much went down a pipeline of afab to they/them to he/him or he/they#with more masc learning and terms#and idk if i'd go THAT far??? I don't mind being called he/him but it's not my full go to i don't think???#but idk it feels. selfish. like im pretending. idk if i like the idea of being they/them ALL the time i like she/her enough#im just. (huffsssss) my parents have always been open that they expected me to become a dyke lesbian or trans because i was a big tomboy#so maybe a part of me feels like i'm playing into these expectations and i feel so sick at the idea. even tho ANYthing of my pronouns.#would stay online#idk idk i guess after being always she/her i'm...vaguely curious to see how i feel with they/them but again. pretender stuff.#maybe i don't feel it properly like everyone else does#im just this sack of flesh filled with nothing good but what others have#i don't FEEL enby enough to be one#but idk if demigirl fully suits me AS much now#oughhhhhhhhhhhhh
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