#i dont think i can get this in my town so its going on my wishlist. in the meantime im gonna go to mcdonalds and smash 2 burgers together | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

two-entire-bits · 2 days ago

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I have a confession. I do not care for the soc boys. I'm sure they have very interesting character traits and lore the actors and fandom have come up with and that is so fun and great and I know none of it and I am perfectly content with that. Shout out to all my mutuals who love the soc boys I hope you are having fun with your Ken dolls but I will not be joining you. keep slaying.

#not saying i hate them i just cant get my brain to like them the same way i do all the greasers and the soc girls #excluding bev for some reason melody ily bev ily but i dont latch onto her the same way i do cherry and marcia 😔😔😔😔#shout out to all my soc boy mutuals i hope you are having so much fun #the closest i will ever get to caring for the soc boys is randy #man was an asshole tried to kill a kid saw his best friend die went fuck all of this dumped his girlfriend left town and became a hippie #shit start great ending good job randy 👍#this is also why i havent gotten into parry #i love the gays i promise but i did not latch onto paul the way the rest of the fandom did 😔😔#i totally get it i see where yallre coming from i understand #its my ship-in-law ill support parry truthers 4ever #but im a dar-bit truther for life #yes i am also a mar-bit truther #and an aroace darry truther #i win no matter what #but anyways #i am not part of the community i am an ally ✊️✊️✊️#its also fun cuz since i know jack shit i never get annoyed at mischaracterization because i dont know what the correct characterization is #i can see anything about them and go 'yeah sure'#and it could be so out of character #and ill never know #i stay winning #anyways love yall 🫶#although i do think a reason i havent latched onto bev is because i never see anyone talking about her #if you love bev please tell me about her i want to know everything #the outsiders #the outsiders musical #two-bit talks

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st4rstudent · 19 hours ago

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i feel somewhat responsible for this, even if i’m not the one saying these things. I’m genuinely so sorry.

No need to apologize! It's not one singular person doing it and truth be told I don't think it's a large majority that thinks that (albeit the ones that do are quite vocal). I didn't mean to upset anyone or anything when complaining about it, I was just letting off some steam.

Having a yap session under the cut sorry I feel like rambling under your ask anon.

Admittedly, I do think there are reasonings for people thinking this way. A lot of the focus with Clash has been on the cogs, especially after the 1.3 update. Which I can't say I blame them! Managers were something new and exciting and (from what I can tell) really separated them from the other servers. I don't blame them for wanting to put focus on that because that was their thing. Alongside other things, but majorly when you hear Clash the managers are mentioned in someway shape or form. But as we all know, toons ended up taking the short stick from this. This isn't helped by the gameplay itself, being mainly a fetch-quest deal so you often only talk to npcs once or twice unless if they're repeated ones and the taskline wasn't entirely accessible on the wiki for a while (shoutout to the wiki maintainers. The taskline script is a savior). Which I'm quite excited to see if they deal with this issue with the rewrite. I imagine they will, but anyways. Social media posts would often contain more managers than toons, which I also believe they're starting to fix. And ontop of this, I believe most of the team in the early era of the sever is gone, so there's been some stuff lost in the change. So yeah, dialogue/writing has been kind of rocky. AGAIN- I am completely aware of the rewrite going on and I am not judging them harshly based off of their current state. I'm very appreciative of the fact that they took the time to listen and are focusing on trying to fix it up. And then there's also fandom mischaracterization- especially of the cogs. Forgive me for mentioning mischaracterization because normally I wouldn't really care (I've mischaracterized characters before..especially in my younger years. I think it's just a process of learning an having fun and I hate to limit anyone because of it). With that being said, there's a lot of baby-fying and coddling of the managers. Especially with those who have more 'sympathetic' stories (Misty, Chip, Winston specifically). Don't get me wrong, I like these characters and I can appreciate the story they're trying to tell, but I feel like so many people will hear their dialogue and then misplace their anger. People get mad at Bessie for trying to protect HER lighthouse or at the Elders for trying to keep YOTT safe (lets not forget Winston was there to brainwash toons). Yes, yes technically there would've been better ways to do it but consider this: The toons are scared. Their homes, stores, lives are being taken over by a big corporation that has more resources that they do. They don't have the privilege of waiting, seeing, and gathering. And then people forget that the company has such a huge role in both toons and cogs lives. If you're mad over the mistreatment of Misty or the fact that Winston is still in the dungeon, your anger should be directed at the company who doesn't care. I may be completely wrong in saying this, but I feel like the stories with almost all of the managers is a reflection of the company. The toons are only trying to protect themself and their environments and yet this seems to go forgotten when people start bashing them. And of course, I'd consider myself a toon guy so me saying all this and complaining may come off as "I HATE the cogs and everyone who posts only about them!" and for clarification that's not true. You all know how much I like that little brain thing. The cogs are interesting, their designs are fun, I don't blame people for liking them because I do too. I just wish that the thought process behind so many of these discussions wasn't so cog focused because I believe that this anger at the toons for, RIGHTFULLY, defending themselves helps push this mischaracterization of them as a whole. That they're mean, boring, unlikeable while the opposite is true. Yes there are some, what I'd consider, "filler" dialogue from the shopkeepers. This is just because of the gameplay. But there are some funny and cute moments with them if people would just listen and read.

Which also brings me into another point: people skip the dialogue. I've caught myself doing this before (on my first account. I have 4 accounts total, so I reread the dialogue on like 3 of them). But people will complain about lack of toon personalities while doing this. It's like reading through a comic book, only looking at the drawings, and then complaining because there "isn't a storyline". Luckily, there's been efforts to keep track of the dialogue on the wiki but I doubt a lot of people are going through and reading the entire script. It just feels very disingenuous to criticize the dialogue when you haven't even read it. Likewise, people don't seem to read the blogposts either. This is both from a dialogue aspect and from an update aspect (people continuously asking about hammerspace/mix-and-match under unrelated posts).

#clemask #clemramble #I think I hit some sort of word limit because it wont let me add anymore so im continuing in tags #It kind of feels like people want the toon resistance to be the perfect victim and then get mad when they act accordingly #Fear. Nervousness. Sadness. Helplessness. Anger. etc etc are all valid reactions to their situation #Not every toon needs to be heroic and whimsical. they're scared. their situation is scary if you think about it #they're at the risk of losing their environment and homes.#Obviously the cogs also have their own issues but I always see this brought up when talking about them but the same context #isnt given to the toons when thinking about their characters and communities as a whole #It's kind of weird to me because I feel like even pre-rewrite I know that I can still understand them and justify their actions #and yet people act like clashes (pre rewrite) writing is justifying the cogs when in reality its not #its just showing that cog society (reflection of workplace enviroment) has its own issues. i never saw it as a justification #even with misty. like I never once hated bessie? my opinion of her never changed even after mistys dialogue #bessie did what she had to do because she was scared and wanted to protect herself and others.#id do something similar if a cog (known for taking over towns) suddenly came up to me #PLUS bessie leaves misty alone afterwards. ppl act like she took a shotgun and shot misty dead and it makes me laugh #ANYWAYS SORRY ANON. NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.#realistically if youre not saying it then i doubt youre contributing #I would say “i wasnt mad” or anything but to be completely transparent with you guys i was Not-Happy when writing that one post #but it's not directed at any single person but rather the idea itself. I'm sure after the rewrite people will chill out #ITS NEVER THIS SERIOUS im beefing over characters named pretty princess sparkles. im aware of how silly this all sounds ok #the clash fandom isnt the only instance of this. ive seen stuff like this in sw before so like. I know this isnt an uncommon thing either #normally id just keep this on a priv or between friends but something kinda snapped yesterday #i think its bc I just KEEP seeing posts like it with those “hot take” posts or whatever and ppl are always so mean about it #i also think some ppl just already dont like toons and look for every. little. thing. to go after them for #like the “youve been drafted line” i refuse to believe people took that line 100% seriously #or maybe this is all wrong and im just a huge toon fan. and in that case i will die on this hill #you will have to pry them out of my cold dead hands before you catch me genuinely bashing them #ok thats clems giant critques and complaints out of the way

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hakusins · 8 days ago

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(vent in the tags) me thinking i've finally escaped financial problems: :DDDDD

life:

#idk why the image pasted like that but anyways haha im once again in a fucking pit #last month i was able to accumulate enough savings from collectively work and also other stuff #so i have a bit of extra in case of emergencies and additional expenses like taxes and stuff #but then guess who decided to not tell me he can't send me money by the end of the month - the time when i have to pay rent?#:DDD my beloved father #so i end up using the savings to pay for it #and i dont blame him or im not mad at him at all #especially because sending me money is already enough of a privilege that not a lot of people have #but at the very least if you don't think you can send me money can't you just tell me?#that way i can work for it???#because now im literally sitting with no money with food running out quickly in the fridge #i can't pick up a shift because whether its out of town or in my city it doesn't matter #i have no way to transport myself there other than on foot or on my bike #and i cant even cycle there without eating otherwise i'd basically sentence myself to death #so im trying to get by without eating for a couple of days right now but its just #sigh #i keep telling my father that i don't blame him and im not mad at him if he can't send me money when i need him to #but please tell me because i literally cannot take a shift this month because i need to study for the exams #and if i fail these exams i literally have one more chance to do them or else i have to repeat a year #which is going to cost us more in the long run #and just #yeah #maybe the hunger is getting to my head #im not going to open emergency comms this time because technically speaking i do have a job i can do #its just i need to just wait for the money that was supposed to be in my bank account to be sent #so i can eat and also i can have money for transportation #haku vents #venting #yeah no im just not in a good spot right now #apologies to mutuals and friends if i can't be on often

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telesodalite · 18 days ago

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I need to be weirder about the scavengers and cannibalism...

#its been a long day... but im feeling better now. (thanks for the well wishes and such btw <3-)#(-sending my well wishes in return by tenfold bcs. damn. it seems stuff is really going around rn)#but yeah... just. augh. theres just smth about how the scavs sorta translate into more like. thriller-esque genres pretty well?#like. i feel somehow those themes compliment their characteristics? or could compliment their characteristics in a more rounded out way #sure. theyre generally a light hearted romp of absurdity with occasional themes of a not good not bad handling of 'mental health matters'#but they just really shine a bit in horrific circumstances. esp with the sort of absurdity they bring to the table #theyre odd people. even in the context of their generally weird and alien universe. and that right there feels like a trove of potential #its like. ok. the lost light crew? also odd. but thats a huge ship. full of people and variety and a sense of purpose and normalcy post-war #(normalcy being. whatever all those background folks were getting up too while plot happened around them. cruise ship stuff ig)#but in contrast. with the w.a.p crew. its an ark class ship with like. a handful of people. and a whole lot of junk and free time #both just cruising through space endlessly for years. one with hundreds of people. and one with like 6 people.#so both are technically isolated when theyre not making pit-stops planet or station side. but again. 100s vs 6 dudes.#think. top of the line cruise ship from hell with a small town sized populace vs a big shitty boat and 6 starving guys #both have the capacity to become case studies in madness. both could do really well thriller wise. but the scavs being a smaller group?#it only being the 6 of them emphasis the isolation perhaps. less variety. less change. same 6 people for 5(?) years #things could get weird fast. codependent mentalities. us vs them mindsets. an otherness about everyone else outside of their group #and then! then you add to the mix the fact that theyre eating/drinking from corpses?! *chefs kiss* awesome. love it.#non-stationary isolation + cannibalism. ough. perfect mix. a classic of maritime horror but in space! :D!#a big ship. small crew. living while knowing that as soon as you kick the bucket. your body is the meal. your body is the fuel.#no decorum about it. no faith. no belief. just perverse survival. bcs they might enjoy it. a bloody gluttony. with a bite. a sample. a taste #it takes seeing your buddy as a walking talking burger to another level. bcs every corpse you come across is also a burger. and a gas can #also fulcrum making candy out of corpses is so. particularly perfect when it comes to the horrifically absurd. just. smth about it. idk #but also also. the line. where was the line drawn for each of them? and when did they each cross it?#most of them dont seem like the type to jump head first into that. so how did they justify it to themselves? had they done it before?#and then. when did it become normal? a habit? smth enjoyable?#i might be running out of tags. but yeah. them being weirder. esp about each other and others.#nothing brings a group of people together like the overhanging knowledge that you sort of kinda wanna eat each other #(rlly wishing i could stomach realistic thrillers rn. but i just cant. gotta stick to written or artistic styles or risk panic attacks :/)#(ive tried a couple movies and shows now. and cant get through most of them. praise be synopses and peoples long rambles about them tho :D)#(nothing like reading someones passionate ramble about the meaning/symbolism of some gory nightmare without having to actually see it lol)

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genekies · 6 months ago

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tag vent

#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas #and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when #we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates #just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night #ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me #ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but #she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening #he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by #people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again #i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends #and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer #than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they #helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that #they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient #im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk #tag vent #vent in tags

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luck-of-the-drawings · 8 months ago

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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

#cw blood #luckys original content #ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG #also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project #FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD #SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter #and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do #THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG #i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then #i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that #ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours #so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time #i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly #and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more #but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho #we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange #yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but #she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that #i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated #i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others #AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG #IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL #LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU #AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU

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blue-eli · 5 months ago

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Realised it’s @khoc-week so even though I don’t have the energy to do it daily have this I did a while ago but never posted.

Arxeht my beloved. They came to me in a dream where I was a replica (of multiple people but looked most like Vidar) made by apprentice Nort/Xemnas, who was the fifteenth member of the organisation and also had my knowledge of hit video games Kingdom Hearts and kept getting randomly thrown through space and time.

#khocweek2024 #kh oc #kh ocs #kingdom hearts oc #kingdom hearts original character #Arxeht #blue boi draws #kingdom hearts #kh #Arxeht my beloved I love them #Apprentice Nort started making them to help figure out memories and based them on people he’d get glimpses of in dreams #but he got distracted and only came back and finished them/woke them up around the beginning of Days after Xion #meaning they are theoretically younger then Xion and Roxas but with the way they act and view the others they’re older #they woke up sorta all at once unlike Roxas and Xion. they also have basic knowledge about General Like that the kiddos lack #also their knowledge of how the game plays out is from the perspective of someone who played the games.#like they’d know the ‘press triangle for Sora’ meme and the differences between CoM and ReCoM and refer to time periods by their game name #also VERY AWARE that most kh games are tragedies and desperately trying to change that despite not really having the power to do so #Arxeht is shit at fighting but is saved from getting injured by any time they’re about to get hit it triggers a jump through time/space #and the jumps can be really far and in fast succession. they start a jump in twilight town and are thrown through Daybreak Town #and like two other worlds until they settle and fef a chance to breathe. its handy because they wont die but jumps can happen #in the middle of a conversation or while they’re trying to get somewhere in particular and then suddenly they’re ten years in the past #in a whole different world. it sucks.#can you tell the dream they came from was a stress dream? 90% of what I remember from it was running around trying to get to Xion and Roxas #and keep them safe. the other 10% was the org not knowing what to think of Arx and Xemnas being weird #Arxeht is heart + x in a reflection of Xehanort being no heart + x btw. that did not come from the dream I made it awake #Xemnas was weird he had a very distant vaguely amused view on everything Arxeht was doing I don’t think he ever thought of them as a threat #unlike Xigbar who was concerned which is fair because Arxeht knew he was Luxu and about MoM and stuff #the time jumps can get really long as well but tend to avoid kh era?? days onwards and bbs and before is fair game but they dont actually #meet Sora until kh2.#their main power is information. they know who people are and what’s going on and they are constantly trying to tell people during the

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itsalwaysdark · 1 month ago

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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4

#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly #rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever #and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and #stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc #him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare #longingly at the floorplan i did #bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right #there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan #i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk #but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm #youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan #still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead #i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town #4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better #for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome #but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4 #me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive #which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with #them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between #me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from #work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the #power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a #good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her #deeply #her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell #bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now

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penisbilt · 8 months ago

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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated

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bitchapalooza · 3 months ago

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I'm sorry for my posts today, I guess the stress from the entirety of September was piled too high and is collapsing onto my head. I'm just so tired y'all....