#i dont like my current situation or my mental or financial health

[thewanderingace]

Just talking in the tags like a normal person.

Keep on scrolling lovelies. I gotta release some emotions 👍

[inkubye]

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[revoltinglittleworm]

had the grand idea of going back to school again (again). ive been well aware of the fact that i want this for myself, and have felt robbed of the entire school experience. and im not even just talking about college, my entire experience with school and learning has been for the majority, very bad and uncomfortable, practically all due to mental health problems.

i started an application for FIT. (fashion school...) when i first went to college, it was originally with the plan that i was going to study fashion. (at Parsons. before i ended up dropping out).

do i feel ... kind of crazy? yeah. maybe its a horrible idea but honestly the more i think about it the more it sounds like a good thing. i am unhappy with my current job. my life feels stagnant and like nothing is going to ever change unless i force it to. and i am lacking certain skills/knowledge that i want to gain and i see that happening with a place like a fashion school.

also, the only reason it would be a horrible idea is because of the financial aspect of it. if college wasn't so disgustingly expensive then it would be fine and positive and a Good thing to go and learn and explore and better yourself. its really sad that capitalism robs us all of anything good in life.

but anyway-- i dont know how the rest of the application looks or when it all needs to be done but i've done the most basic steps so far, (requested my transcripts, filled out my info for FIT/New York State college stuff).

if you dont already know, i spend majority of my time working with dogs, and as much as i love it and find it relatively easy, it isnt stimulating enough nor is it allowing nearly enough time and energy to be used towards my creative endeavors which are what truly matter to me. i've been doing this job for 3 years now... i am so tired and feel stumped creatively because my art has not been consistent or worked on enough because who has the time and energy!!?? not me!!

i have a lot of things i'd like to work on, a lot of goals, and a lot of ambition. my ideal situation is, im making my own clothing and accessories full time at home, while i also continue to work on the novel im writing. freelance jobs on the side too, i guess. and in the future i'll have plenty of other things to strive for, but what i want now is to be able to make things i find beautiful, things i think represent me and how i see the world, etc...

im stuck in an awful cycle of: i need to get out of this job which means i need to work extra hard creating so i can have the money and means to quit BUT im so tired all the time after work that i cant push myself so ill continue to do this job i dont want because i need money to survive and be miserable and wish and wish and wish i was in a good financial place with a steady foundation for my art/sales.

;/

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

organizing care + being a legal guardian + struggle tweeting irl

enstars thought collection below. i dont know how we got here.

anyway, so this is a post where i talk about my vague ideas on whats up with kanames health and care situation. like, legally speaking.

(spoilers for everything surrounding kaname, obbligato specifically)

basically. i am an avid tatsumi and himeru enjoyer and healthcare business and law is? my hobby? idk if you can call this a hobby? so i have been absolutely obsessing over every little throwaway line we get about how kanames long-term care is organized. because depending on who is currently responsible on paper... that could really influence a lot, right!!! since right now kaname is unable to make health decisions for himself.

we all know (ore-)himeru is going through a lot and the possibility of an added responsibility and financial burden of a guardianship on him is something that is very interesting to me.

point of the post so this post isnt much about existing laws (as they are extremely complicated, even if youre native to a region and language), i mostly want to discuss what we know and the possibilities and the mental burden of carrying legal responsibility on top of internal emotions (grief, guilt, loneliness, despair and hopelessness, possessiveness even, and whatever else himeru has going on).

its smth that strongly gnaws on you. i think everyone who ever had to apply for care/benefits will know how horrible of a process it is.

boring health stuff i tried to look up japanese law surrounding how long-term payment and guardianship is organized and who qualifies for both. i am german so obviously most of my knowledge only concerns the legal situation here, unfortunately. i am Assuming enstars just follows the laws of irl japan and as such at least a considerable chunk of financial burdens should be lifted by the countries mandatory insurance.(70%) BUT the long-term intensive care situation for people under the age of 40 is murky (relevant long-term care laws exist for the elderly and aim to provide financial relief. but idk how theyd handle the case of a teenager, especially one that, we can assume, used to be in the foster system. the jpn foster system is its own can of worms) no surprise, disability/care related payment plans for young people, esp those who have never been employed or paid into insurance, are always like. ridiculously convoluted. sometimes nonexistent. so who knows which laws specifically affect kaname here.

(ore-)himeru mentions him still being at a hospital (in romantic? date chapter 5) so that is a vital clue that this has not been outsourced to some other care facility. so i wonder... how expensive is this currently. must be intense. i am just willing to bet his legal guardian (will get to this in a second) has to make financial efforts, on top of the papers and forms and emotional burden that such an arrangement brings with itself. additionally, its somewhat obvious but ill specify it anyways: we are talking about a full-time in-patient situation. (ore-)himeru mentions the circumstances of kanames current health in chapter 1 of the epilogue of obbligato. (while not fully comatose, kaname is not lucid. he does some vocalizing sometimes but communication is not possible.)

so. HiMERU and all that makes you wonder... are the himerus connected via guardianship. we know from obbligato that kanames mothers is dead, he grew up alone (the tojo family not being in the picture, apparently), and while their father is alive, he was not in a position to care for either of them himself, health-wise. (and financially, i am willing to bet) so, responsibility would just jump to the next relative; that being the adult brother. young adult who barely made it back to the country! but working and adult and insured nonetheless, therefore qualifying.

i would assume (ore-)himeru did not need to step up/wasnt really in the picture either (at least health system databases might not have been aware of him) but he visits him in the hospital. even before that, he attempted to become at least somewhat involved in kanames life by his rough attempts to coach him. and most of all, you know how much kaname means to him. i am just going to assume he claimed him.

and like, thats a shit situation for someone in their early 20s (or however old he is). that would be horrible for anyone in a more stable situation at a more established age.

the emotional baggage of it all. not only have you just met your half brother and just gotten around to the idea of having family, you instantly get it taken from you again. the loss and grief and guilt must be unimaginable.

(ore-)himeru has.... unbelievable issues when it comes to... his attempts to prepare what he thinks would be an ideal life for kaname. whether in hope of one day handing it over or just as a sad tribute to what could have been or an attempt to keep “himeru”, the artistic vision, alive. however much of this is happening in what percentage and on what conscious level.

so to the urge to make “himeru” famous, this would add the absolute need to make himeru famous as a source of steady good income. of course (ore-)himeru is desperate to do well out of pride and love but financially and on paper he would be responsible for two people, adding to the pressure to be as successful as possible.

(additionally, while it does not justify (ore-)himeru’s actions, himeru also dodged a public scandal by staying an idol and performing as per usual. there were no news about an idol being beaten and staying unconscious and that by itself provides protection from the public for kaname. especially since his family is infamous to begin with. i wonder how much this would have mattered.)

matching themes? personally as a disabled person, as far as guadianship and custodianship goes, i have a lot of feelings. we all experienced it when we were younger and probably felt powerless in front of our parents sometimes. so experiencing this in your adulthood is GUTTING. yet, it can be absolutely necessary. and while guardians and custodians are often looked down upon, a lot of them are family members with their heart and mind in the right place, who make good decisions for someone they love. it cannot be underestimated how much paperwork and exhausting+annoying communication with your insurance provider goes into it.

so between this and (ore-)himerus behaviour in general i see a lot of matching themes.... mostly control and perseverance and, ofc, a certain flair of being very very condescending towards the person you are supposed to protect. after all, kaname cannot make any decisions right now, not about his health or “himeru”. and perhaps one day maybe his state will change and he will suddenly be more aware of his surroundings and forced to confront what happened without his influence. and he will find that his brother made responsible comprehensible decisions when it comes to his health but, without any need or agreement, took extreme liberties when it comes to his name. they are both important parts of him and (ore-)himeru having that double responsibilty and going wild with it is scary to me. and probably also scary to him. but he is too deep into it at this point.

idk. does any of this make sense. is this interesting. personally, the added layer of pressure and drama is interesting to me. to me its like... it supports all the themes we find in himeru anyway and makes his struggles worse, it just neatly fits into place.

personal related kaname thoughts will the story ever make him more lucid? who knows! i am terrified, personally, of the possibility.

enstars has its fair share of insensitive to offensive writing and i cannot imagine this going well. i cannot imagine them writing this in a way that is respectful and includes a realistic rehab process that restores a realistic amount of physical and neurological functions. especially since... not gonna lie guys. at this point. idk how much quality of life kaname can regain in his current state.

+the added trouble he would get in because (ore-)himeru, essentially, stole his identity is straight up infuriating. i dont think i have to mention this. where do you even start and TRY to live a normal life after this shit.

and thats sad. bc i love kaname dearly. he is an extremely silly, bratty, lovable character to me and i want the best for him so i have these horribly detailed harsh expectations. maybe it will never happen and ngl, that would be perfectly fine with me, too.

disclaimer etc etc i dont know shit about the japanese health system and if you somehow happen to know how intensive long-term care for an underage person that grew up in the foster system would be financed (like, who is responsible??!?!??!?!) please let me know >:) i love learning about health systems. a lot of the stuff i wrote above is just really basic common sense, i just wanted to talk about it.

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[gyaruxqueer]

Hi gals, I'm here for a mini-blog post!!

I haven't been posting my own looks lately because, to put it simply, life has been fucking me over ! My depression has been hitting me extremely hard this winter--there's been several weeks where I don't see the sun, and as someone who grew up in a sunny desert for 25 years it's a huge change! This is my second winter here and I'd like to think I'm handling it better than my first...but only because I'm on anti-depressants now (^_^;;;) On top of that my financial situation is looking a bit rough; I can only work one job because I have chronic back pain and physically can't do more work than I'm doing (and as it stands I can barely get through a 12 hour work week without feeling like I got run over by a steam roller), and my hours are shit as we're in our slow period...not to mention the weather has made it nigh impossible for people to go out and about unless you have an off-roading vehicle with 4 wheel drive (which my fiance does! Unfortunately he Also works and I can't always steal his car). Said fiance is ALSO in his slow period at his job, but he's more able-bodied than I am on the chronic pain front and may get a second job if he can find something flexible enough.

So, that's where I'm at. Rent takes up most of our money, and what little remains goes towards food. And my fiance's gas (them big ass off roading cars are gas guzzlers fr....unless you live in a particularly rough terrain area do yourself a favor and DONT buy a Jeep. Or a Hummer. Or a big truck). And when we haven't been stressing about money my mental health current baseline is "in the firey depths of hell," so I'm still not doing well!

I'm using all my energy to survive right now, so as you can imagine I don't have a lot in me to do makeup for an hour every day. Things will look up, that much I know! But it may be a while.

If any of you are feeling particularly generous, I do have a Ko-Fi ! I take commissions as well if you'd like something in return, but please do NOT stress yourself out if you're also struggling financially. Or if it's a choice between donating to some rando on the internet or a charity to, say, give assistance to Palestinians then PLEASE pick the latter.

But that's that!! Hopefully things will be smoother sailing in the future. Thanks for reading! Have an awesome day!!

- Stars ☆

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hey, so I'm force to go to this xenophobic church in Manhattan- they even have an organization where they go to abortion clinics and coerce people w/ uteruses to not go forward with the abortion (they are very open with promoting this organization). I stopped paying tithes to them a long time ago, because knowing what I know abt the intricacies of childbirth & what it's like to be LGBTQ+ in particular, I literally cannot support what the church is doing bc I believe its harmful (1)

Today my mom and I were talking about finances and I’ve been in a sort of bind recently because I’ve had to pay off credit cards, one of which I used to pay for repairs to my car & another person’s car when I got into an accident over the summer, plus I still have my biweekly car payments to worry about. I’ve been managing, but I dont really have much money to myself, and because everyone’s out at either work or school, I normally buy food for myself because no one is home to cook. (2)

My mom straight up told me that the reason why I have been broke is b/c I’m not paying tithes, which kind of took me off guard bc I thought it was because I wasnt putting in as much hours for school (I have a two day break on Monday-Tuesday but decided not to put in any extra hours because I didn’t want to overwork myself like last semester + my mental health has been extremely poor). (3)

Since she said that I’ve been in a sort of panic mode, that maybe I won’t be able to be myself in the future and get surgery/HRT and find a suitable partner (I’m an aro/ace trans guy and I desire to be in a qpp with another guy), which has been debilitating because I’ve been seriously struggling with my social skills, and have literally only two friends that I’ve been keeping contact with occasionally, though its difficult because we have all gone on separate paths due to life basically (4)

Anyways this is a super long ask but I felt like it needed context because the fact that I suck as socializing & making friends has affected my self-esteem and mental health to the point where I have thoughts of s*icide, among other things, including flashbacks of traumatic events that I wouldnt have otherwise remembered. Basically I wanted to ask- am I wrong for not paying tithes to this church? Will God punish me for not paying tithes to this church? (5)__________

Hey there, anon. I’m so sorry for the delay in answering this, I’ve been having some mental health issues of my own so I’ve been taking a little break from this blog. I hope that you are hanging in there, and that things might even be looking up for you since you sent this in. 

I’m sorry that you are experiencing so much distress right now; and that your mom’s comments have added to it. I know that money is tight for you right now, but if at all possible, I recommend seeking professional help to guide you through dealing with the flashbacks of traumatic events and all that; some therapists offer sliding scale payment options for patients who need it. I know that’s not what you’re asking about though, so on to tithes.

I 100% think you’re making the right decision not offering your money to this church. You disagree with their ministry and do not see God’s will in it; giving them money would be contributing to those ministries.

People offer tithes (or a smaller fraction of their financial income) to their faith community as an expression of gratitude to God, a willing response to God’s activity in that faith community. You see God’s movement in a community, and you want to be a part of that movement; so you offer financial gifts to keep the movement going. Generosity should never be pressured out of a person, it should never feel like an obligation; if the Holy Spirit is moving you to give, you’ll feel a real desire to give. 

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 8:11-13 about our financial offerings coming from a place of desire, not obligation: 

“And in this matter I am giving my advice: it is appropriate for you who began last year not only to do something but even to desire to do something—now finish doing it, so that your eagerness may be matched by completing it according to your means. For if the eagerness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has — not according to what one does not have.“ 

That above quote teaches us several things about offerings made to our faith communities, the first of which applies directly to your current situation, while the other two apply to giving in general:

It assures us that we should give what we desire to give – that desire and eagerness will come to us naturally when we truly hear God’s Word read, proclaimed, and acted out. 

The quote also assures us that one only has to give “according to what one has, not according to what one does not have” – so even if you one day find a faith community wherein the Spirit moves you to desire to give, 10% of your current income is probably more than you have to give at the moment, and that’s okay.

Finally, Paul doesn’t specify finances in this quote – what you give to a church whose mission you believe God approves of doesn’t have to be money, especially if money isn’t something you have at the moment. It might be your time or your skills, your voice or your strength, your art or your presence – whatever unique gifts God has given you that you can use for the good of God’s world. 

If you don’t see God’s activity at this church, and thus are not moved to a genuine desire to offer what money you can, don’t do it. God does not oblige us to give money just for the sake of giving it; it’s not a task to check off the list of things you need to do in order to “earn” God’s love or blessing in your life. You don’t have to do a single thing to “earn” God’s love and blessing; God gives these things freely to each of us. 

Sometimes we don’t recognize that love and blessing clearly, because for better or worse God isn’t a micro-manager who swoops in and makes everything work out perfectly in our lives. Instead, humanity’s free will has built up systems that keep many of us poor, many of us oppressed; people who don’t “deserve” to suffer…suffer. Not from any fault of theirs, not because they failed to “earn” God’s help or because they did something to bring God’s punishment on them – but because that’s just the way this world is right now. It hurts people who should be protected. Even so, we trust that God is there – God is there with you in the midst of your distress, your struggles to make ends meet, your pain at the trauma you’re reliving. 

You aren’t broke because you’re not paying tithes; you’re broke because our world is broken and forces students to work long hours on top of keeping up with schoolwork and mental health stuff. I’m so sad and mad on your behalf that you’re stuck in this situation, and I hope things improve really soon.

Friend, I promise you, there will be a future where you’re able to go on hrt, where you are able to live as your full self, where you have friends and a qp partner and where you are happy and loved. There will be a future where you find a faith community that you’re thrilled to give back to, whether that’s your time and talent or your money or all of the above, because you truly see God’s activity in the work they do. It sucks that these things aren’t all true for you here and now, but I believe in that future for you. In the meantime, I promise you: God’s with you, unconditionally. 

[system-of-a-feather]

Hi, so actually I want to make my driving licence but I am so freaking scared that I am not going to manage it.I have problems with focusing and I am fast overwhelmed, so what if I dont understand something and begin to cry or even Lose more of my focus? I don't know if it's good for me to drive,even I want it so bad.Also I barely have money, so I cant try and fail. If I begin, I have to success. My dad doesn't believe in me so Idk if it's just that what scares me..What do you think? Do or dont?

Ooof. I just woke up but like, I have been in a very very very similar situation as someone who has DID, is quick to get overwhelmed, easily looses focus, and chronically dissociates even outside of DID so I felt like responding pretty quickly. Honestly, from personal experience, this can be a tricky topic and a decision that I don’t know enough of the situation / your personal condition to say one way or the other, but I can generally explain how this issue has gone over for me / our system and if you want to pull from that, great. With that being said, this is 100% our experience with the issue and isn’t necessarily going to play out the same as yours. Just because it played out how it did for us, doesn’t mean it will be the same, so keep that in mind.

I personally got started with my drivers license before noticing this to be an issue so I didn’t necessarily struggle with the topic of if I should or shouldn’t go for it, but shortly after starting to learn, I found that I have a very strong freeze reflex (which isn’t good while driving since it keeps me from making a decision) and while driving it is easy for me to get overwhelmed and dissociate and not take in enough information to drive safely and comfortably. Of course, the knowledge of this makes me more anxious, more overwhelmed, and dissociate more ironically so it is a horrible feedback loop

This actually became a really bad thing for my mental health since I am a really independent person that functions on the idea that I can do almost anything myself if I study it, plan, and dedicate myself properly and that idea is one of the reasons I’ve recovered as much as I have - however I really really struggled to fix this loop.

Personally, I managed to figure out learning how to drive and all with some work, but I did honestly fail a few times. Currently, I do have a Drivers License but I honestly don’t drive because I don’t have a car (but if I really insisted I could, so it is also the second reason that is why I don’t have a car + lack of a current need for one) and personally don’t feel safe enough - at least as Riku - to drive regularly. 

With that being said, this might only apply if you have a system, but something that has worked for us a bit is finding what alters might have less of a problem driving and pretty much working really darn hard to set up a ‘ritual’ and environment to try to get them out as much as possible to drive when it is needed - both learning and otherwise. It took me some time, but I decided that it was okay that I really badly struggle with driving and it is something I will work on, but for the time being, I am going to rely on my fiance and Aderis for driving when I need to.

Typically for us, when I need to drive, I try to dress for Aderis, bring her soda, play her playlist, and essentially try to surround ourselves with a large number of her positive triggers since she has very little issues driving and actually likes it.

Currently, as mentioned above, we have a license but no car and don’t drive, which is partially because we don’t need it right now, and partially because I avoid driving - but it is something we are currently working on. Currently I have been working on integrating skills from other alters (drawing is the current one and we succeeded woot) and driving will probably be one of them eventually and at some point, I will have to work on breaking the anxiety-dissociation loop - but while it isn’t necessary nor having a car to drive we aren’t.

Back to your particular topic - some personal take-aways I have from the situation breakdown to the following.

1) Do you think you could figure out a way around your tendency to loose focus / get overwhelmed?

Can this issue be handled with therapy, CBT, or some form of internal management that you can work with? How easily do you think you might be able to recover / overcome this hurdle? If you aren’t sure and have a therapist, I STRONGLY recommend talking this issue over with your therapists.

2) Do you want to drive or do you need to drive? Does where you live have an alternative to independent driving based travel (subways, heavy biking presence, trains, good reliable bus routes)? 

If it is a want, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t as much as you should weigh how much you want to drive against how much stress / difficulty / of a challenge it would be currently to do it and weighing it against if you think you can get around it. 

Also, even if you technically don’t “need” to drive, if you don’t feel safe not knowing how to drive, I would generally count that as an almost need. Even if it isn’t necessarily needed physically if driving is important to you mentally feeling safe, then it is almost just as needed.

Sometimes, as sad as it might be, driving is a bit critical to gaining money, getting place, getting to school or interacting with people. This is personally why we didn’t give up on driving since we know future we would absolutely need it and with where we live, it wouldn’t work not to.

3) Is it possible to put learning off for a better time financially / mentally?

You do not necessarily have to do this right now. Down the line you might have recovered better and gained more skills to manage the issues that impede driving (I avoided learning for a year or two until I realized Aderis was comfortable with it and learned how to work, communicate, and get her out when I needed) or have more security with money that might allow you to be more comfortable taking the risk.

If it is possible to say “No right now, but it will be a goal in the future” that is 100% a good and valid thing to say since not everything has to be done immediately. 

4) If you decide you can’t drive / learn to drive, that is okay and alright. It doesn’t make you stupid or any less of a valuable human being.

It is okay to admit and state that your mental health (or physical health) condition will not allow you to safely and reliably do something most people can. Your condition is not something you asked for nor is it something that is easily controlled or “just got over”. Not everyone can do everything, and when you have a mental condition or physical condition that disables some of your functioning, that is even more so. With that being said, just because you can’t do this thing, it doesn’t mean you can’t do anything and it doesn’t detract from your inherent value as an individual. You are doing your best with the cards you have / were dealt, and it is okay to not be able to do everything. If you feel the need to hate yourself and criticize yourself, I understand where you are coming from - but I just want to remind you from both a mental health advocate and as someone who was in that position, it is okay that you can’t and you are just as valuable and lovable as anyone else. It isn’t your fault you can’t do it. You are trying your best with what you have.

You don’t need to be mean to yourself or hate yourself. There are a lot of people who can’t drive for a large number of reasons ranging from physical, to learning, to mental issues. You aren’t alone in not being able to do this, and things will be okay even if you can’t.

We still support you, and those that around you that are good for you should not care that you can’t work out driving. 

It is okay to not be able to do something. You are still an amazing lovable human being.

But anyways, those are my thoughts and personal experiences with this kind of issue and situation. I hope it helped and I really hope you figure this out! Best of luck regardless of if you decide to go for it, go for it later, or to mark it off of the list all together and I hope you have a lot of good luck and good results for whichever decision you make.

-Riku (Host)

[anestheticx]

Long story short THIS is why I almost died two years ago. This can fuck right off. What medication I use and why for my reproductive health is my business. Limiting what medication types people can take for contraception harms people, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s fucking choice but mine above all and my doctors. Making it financially difficult for people to get medication that improves their health and lives is disgusting. It was almost deadly in my case, and I’m not alone.

(*My full story is below the article for more backstory if you’re interested...)

So, how did a law like this almost kill me? I’ll explain. But first...

FUCK ANYONE, yes anyone, who thinks abortion should be illegal. Your religious bullshit opinions are literally impending on my healthcare and you have zero right to do so. That’s between my doctor and I. Don’t believe in abortion? Those are your BELIEFS. I’m not a Christian and we don’t share the same beliefs, we never will. Not everyone is Christian. If Christians want to take a religious stance then let’s look at another religion. Jewish religion says life does not start until a fetus takes their first breath. If the life of a mother is put in danger for a pregnancy, that is possible murder. Why are Christians taking away freedom of religion for Jews?

Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. You are not my medical professional. You do not own others. So. Why do people medically require #ABORTION? Birth control fails. Mine failed. This leads me to how I almost bled to death due to someone passing a law that allowed my insurer to deny me medication that worked with my body chemistry.

I had an ectopic pregnancy due to my IUD ceasing to functio First of all fuck anyone, yes anyone, who thinks abortion should be illegal. Your religious bullshit opinions are literally impending on my healthcare and you have zero right to do so. That’s between my doctor and I. Don’t believe in abortion? Those are your BELIEFS. I’m not a Christian and we don’t share the same beliefs, we never will. Not everyone is Christian. If Christians want to take a religious sta. VFX nd, let’s look at another religion. Jewish religion says life does not start until a fetus takes their first breath. If the life of a mother is put in danger for a pregnancy, that is possible murder. Why are Christians taking away freedom of religion for Jews?

Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. You are not my medical professional. You do not own others. So. Why do people medically require #ABORTION? Birth control fails. Mine failed. I had an ectopic pregnancy due to my IUD ceasing to function. I didn’t even want the IUD but my insurer refused to cover the only birth control that worked for me for 10 years due to some bullshit law. I fought with my insurer for months until I couldn’t physically or mentally deal with it anymore. They literally told my doctor and I what THEY thought was medically best for me. I couldn’t afford the medication I actually needed or wanted. What United Healthcare said was “best” for me almost killed me. Fuck them. It happens all the time to people. So it goes, I had to get the ectopic removed or I would bleed to death. In many of these new ludicrous anti-choice laws they’re claiming I would be a murderer. Ectopic pregnancies cannot be “replanted” and I don’t regret saving my life. AGAIN - Ectopic pregnancies cannot be “replanted” and I don’t regret saving my life. Rape, incest and assault happens unfortunately also, and I’m not normalizing this because I think we should guillotine those guilty of these crimes but currently in this culture it happens. A lot 🤬.‪ We let rapists off the hook for attacking women, this culture makes excuses for them. They assault adults and children, and now certain states are going to punish those victims by forcibly making them give birth to their rapists child? They even give the rapists rights to the child - WHEN THE RAPIST SHOULD BE IN FUCKING JAIL. What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with this country? Oh! It’s a misogynistic cesspool. Forced birth is abhorrent and medieval in concept. Parenthood should be consensual. Sex is not consent to pregnancy. We have the medical technology to attempt to control when we want to become parents. This technology isn’t fool proof, but it’s available because people are going to continue to have sex (hopefully consensually). You can have “religious views” about it all you want. People will have sex. Not only is this not a Christofascist nation (let’s hope) and not everyone shares your religion but SEX IS GOING TO HAPPEN. That being sad, people don’t have sex souly to make a family. ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

Pro life people don’t want people getting abortions yet they want to criminalize birth control? That’s exactly what’s in the legislation in Ohio, Georgia, Alabama, etc....This is why pro life agendas are always about controlling women, they always involve this kind of bullshit. It’s NEVER about healthcare or “life” for them, their agendas are anti sex and pro forced birth and it’s painfully obvious.

A fetus does not have more bodily autonomy than the pregnant person. Outlawing abortion doesn’t end abortion, it only results in “back alley” procedures that end up killing adults. Pro-Life opinions are based off of misogynistic garbage. Even if you ban abortions, abortion procedures don’t go away. Why do you think it was legalized? Banning it only results in adults dying from botched back alley procedures. “Pro-lifers” don’t care. I don’t have the right to tell men what to do physically with their bodies. I also wouldn’t know what would be best for them personally. “Oh Joe, don’t get that vasectomy! It’s not God’s plan! You’re ending millions of potential lives” 😑🙄

I also hate people who reluctantly say they’re okay wth abortions but stipulate “not late term abortions!” NEWS FLASH: Nobody spends eight months being pregnant and then wakes up one day like “nah nvm let’s end this.” People getting late term abortions WANTED the baby. They picked out baby outfits, they made a list of names. They’re getting an abortion at eight months because of a medical emergency and they HAVE TO. Late term abortions occur because the baby is dying, dead or killing them. Forcing people to endure natural birth and labor in these situations is not only ignorant and cruel but deadly.

Forcing anyone into parenthood is cruel and ignorant also, but late term abortions have so much false information surrounding them. You're not improving health care when you defund Planned Parenthood and deny millions of women their provider of health care. You’re not improving healthcare when you deny the fact that people will seek out and receive abortions no matter what. The women, and the people in general, of America deserve better than others, who care nothing for their autonomy or their personal choices, or their health, deciding the future of their health care.

AGAIN let me make this clear that banning abortion does not reduce abortion rates at all. When you create an environment that makes abortion services either unaffordable or unobtainable under suitable medical professionals, people still find ways to get them. When you outlaw, or diminish abortion services, the only thing you accomplish is putting pregnant adults at risk of serious harm. You help nothing. Parenthood should be consensual, and a choice. You cannot make parental decisions for other human beings. Adult human beings are not incubators. Abortion does not go away simply because you make it unsafe.

❤️ALSO I got an abortion and I DONT REGRET it at all. I’m not ashamed of it either. I became pregnant and I absolutely didn’t want a fucking kid. It was 110% the right choice for me. You don’t know how that feels and you don’t get to make those choices for others. Die mad. #ProChoice #AbortionIsHealthcare

[sadafs]

im at a financial and emotional crossroads with respect to graduation. when i compare my living situation at home- specifically familial relations- to others, its pretty bad, and most of the people who have experienced what i am experiencing currently to similar extents have literally run away from home, financially emancipated themselves, estranged their parents, whatever. and i think this would be overall better for my mental health in terms of moving myself out of abuses way

i went to college on the other side of the country from my parents (who are on the east coast) for a very specific reason, and it helped in the interim in terms of keeping distance; right now i have an internship at harvard such that theyre five hours away from me, and every weekend they’ve insisted on me coming down or them surprise-visiting (against my wishes). i feel bad because 10 hours is a lot to drive in one weekend to see me, but once im around them theyre just constantly fighting with me, telling me im some sort of failure, so on; and ive tried going to therapy with them, without them, and nothing i do changes their behavior with me being fundamentally antagonistic 

i have three basic issues: one, i cant afford to live alone, and the career path im trying to set up requires financial backing for the next 3 years at least, beyond whatever i make from my own jobs, including healthcare. two, i don’t want to lose connection with my brother. three, i want to maintain contact with my extended family, and most hopefully basic positive contact with my parents-- but i know every time i give them a little after a long period of ignoring them, they run with it and immediately cross all my boundaries, try to isolate me, try to convince me my friends arent my real friends.. like, the works. so i dont know how to do that

i feel like my life is still way more in their control than other people in my age range, but whenever i try to explain this to MY parents they write it off as a cultural deficiency in the american tradition. “oh other parents are happy for their children to be stupid humanities majors (or god forbid, people in the arts, who my dad *legitimately, not figuratively* believes should be euthanized) who will die poor but we care about you so we will always yell at you for not overloading yourself.” 

im deeply worried about my mental health for after graduation primarily because of my parents but also im poor as are said parents, but they use money as a way to control me and force me to interact with them even when im trying to ignore them. we are literally currently fighting over whether theyre willing to pay the $500 i had to drop on a burn center appointment due to a medical emergency a few weeks back.. i only have money from student wages over the last few years and spent quite a bit on study abroad, and they have two fulltime workers incomes between them, but its still this longdrawn debate over whether i deserve it, which was a huge part of why i didnt go to the emergency room the night of the accident; i was scared i couldnt afford it, or that my parents would hold it over my head and use it as another tool to cajole me into interacting with them, as they are right now :p 

im wondering if anyone else whos financially emancipated themselves or had to estrange and cut off their parents has advice about this

[mahouxshoujoxme]

all of them

Tsubaki lore, ya say?

(also I’m using you as her eternal bondmate, even though you aren’t back in the game yet )

Putting it under a read more bc its SO MUCH

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionallyTsubaki is generally a bit of a bubbly, optimistic airhead, so not much will dramatically effect her emotionally unless it involves her friends or loved ones being hurt or put in danger.

aegerine: my muse’s opinion of the supernaturalShe pretends to be too “logical” to believe in spirits to cover the fact that she is 100% scared of ghosts

agate: how my muse calms downSince it takes so much to upset her, she rarely needs an outside distraction to calm herself down, but when she needs an escape from the world she will lose herself in her studies, or endlessly pester her bondmate for cuddles~

blue lace agate: my muse’s favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.)Tsubaki always prefers face to face communication above all else, but loves the romance and personality in hand written letters.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly I certainly wouldn’t call her a coward, but some of her “bravery” could at times be better described as naive optimism.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themselfTsubaki is certainly not one to brag of her own talents, but she knows she is a woman with high worth

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonestShe would never lie, no matter the circumstance

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift intosomething small and elegant, like a butterfly

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my muse isShe’s annoyingly lucky

angel aura quartz: my muse’s opinion of LGBT+ issuesShe just thinks everyone deserves to live happy lives, however they wish to live them.

apache tears: a sadness headcanonNot much makes her terribly sad, but Tsubaki is a big crybaby. Both happy and sad crying happen frequently.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse’s intuitionBecause of her personality, many people assume Tsubaki is not the brightest upon first meeting her. But being a scholar and talented craftswoman, she has wonderful intuition. Whether she tends to follow that intuition, or ignore it for something more exciting is another story entirely, however.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxedin either her study or her workshop, surrounded by books and gadgets

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing withWell her comrades being incapacitated and this strange voice are certainly not things she enjoys.

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at largeEveryone has a place, no matter how large or small. And Tsubaki is happy to have her place as a craftswoman helping her fellow adventurers on their quests.

calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)Tsubaki is very outgoing and tends to try to spark conversation with everyone she meets. She wants to hear every tale every adventurer has to tell, and is always eager to swap tips and techniques with fellow craftsmen. However she tends to get a bit over excited and can be a bit much for the average stranger on the street.

carnelian: an art-related headcanonAs a practiced and proud craftswoman, Tsubaki can create masterpieces of jewelry, weaponry, armor, along with many types of decorative trinkets and statues. She can cook you any meal you could dream of, and leave your mouth watering for more, as well as brew you the purest, strongest potions an adventurer could need.

As far as the realm of visual arts such as painting and drawing, you would think she had never picked up a pencil in her life. That, however, does not stop her from trying.

celestite: how my muse deals with anxietyBy losing herself in her studies or her craft

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationshipsHaving mostly dedicated herself to her studies and her work, Tsubaki had never taken the time to form deep romantic bonds with others, and therefore does not have much experience with ending a deeper relationship. She had plenty of friends and acquaintances from her travels, but had not developed an emotional bond of the sort until she met one certain unseasoned miqo'te gladiator, whom she bonded with through her mentor-ship and their journey together.

charoite: who my muse looks up toshe looks up to everyone, she’s pretty short (ba dum tss)

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanonBeing a master of her crafts, Tsubaki could easily bring in as much gil as she could need. She would rather, however, spend her time creating tools and gear to help out her fellow adventurers and will accept no coin for most of her work.

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they’re olderAs a scholar who wishes to learn all of the secrets of her great world, Tsubaki does not see herself ending her life as an adventurer any time in the near future. Traveling together with her love until the end is the only life she can see for herself.

coral: how my muse views the natural worldTsubaki loves the natural world, and is very thankful for all the materials and tools Eorzea can naturally provide for her. She is always very respectful of the enviornment around her, and only takes exactly what is necessary for her work.

diamond: a sex headcanonTsubaki views physical intimacy as a deep bond, only to be shared with the one most important to her. She prefers long, slow love making to quicker, rougher experiences.

dolomite: a sleep headcanonThough her bondmate could curl up on the bed asleep all day, Tsubaki would refuse sleep entirely if she could. Araragi often has to carry a sleeping Tsubaki to bed from her study deep into the night.

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without wordsTsubaki tends to show her love through her craft, leaving small treats and trinkets about for her love to find and take with him on his journeys.

fluorite: what my muse’s room looks likeHer room is full, every surface buried under piles of books and research materials or crafting tools. Though the room is crowded, everything seems to have its own place, and moving anything will earn you a stern talking to about her “system” and how you can’t throw her area out of balance.

fossil: what my muse’s dream job isTraveling all through Eorzea to learn all the world has to offer, doing odd jobs and creating tools and goods for those she meets to pay her way.

galena: what it’s like to be in a relationship with my museTsubaki loves deeply and intensely, taking every chance she can to dote upon her beloved. She isn’t shy to show off her relationship in public and showers her love in special, one of a kind, hand-made items to help him on his quests.

garnet: what my muse’s perfect partner would beAs it would take time away from her studies, Tsubaki was never much interested in romantic relationships, until she met certain miqo'te gladiator. Goofy and a bit unseasoned of an adventurer, she took it upon herself to mentor him through his journey. Along the way she found herself falling deeply in love with him, his happy demeanor a perfect match with hers.

gold: my muse’s financial situationNever wanting for anything because of the value of her craft, she never saw a point to accruing finances in the form of excess coin.

hematite: how squeamish my muse isGenerally her want to learn and her curiosity overtake any squeamish tendencies

iddenite: how much of an “inner child” my muse hasbasically, she baby

iolite: my muse’s drinking habitsTsubaki does not prefer alcohol, but would not necessarily turn a drink down. She is, however, a major lightweight.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partnerabsolutely not.

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parentAs she wants to spend her life traveling, Tsubaki never had a want for Children. If she were to ever have them though, she would love them just as deeply and intensely as she does her bondmate, making sure they were always cared for and never wanting for anything.

kyanite: an anger headcanonNothing can make Tsubaki truly mad beyond her loved ones being hurt. However if you are the one to cause her loved ones pain, you will face her endless rage.

lapis lazuli: where ‘home’ is to my museAs a traveling adventurer, she does not have a true place to call home. She does, however always make it a point to return to the restaurant and guild hall her free company calls their headquarters.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my museBecause of her outspoken and bubbly demeanor, Tsubaki tends to draw people in of all types.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew upGrowing up on the Steppe, Tsubaki always dreamed of leaving to see what the would outside had to offer.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality traitTsubaki is always worried she is not strong enough to protect the ones she loves, always studying as hard as she can to further strengthen her healing magics

moonstone: my muse’s opinions on outer spaceIf she can study something about it, she is interested in it

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them downAlways an optimist, trying to bring the best of those around her, she will always try to lift up those around her

nebula stone: how good my muse’s memory isTsubaki has a near photographic memory, which helps in her studies greatly.

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would behonestly my bab is so pure i dont have an answer to this

opal: how creative my muse isTsubaki is overflowing with creative energy, spending every free moment not devoted to her studies tinkering with some new creation.

pearl: a mental health headcanonTsubaki knows that keeping good mental health is essential to maintaining her studies, and thus makes sure to take plenty of time to ensure she is always treats her mental health well.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the streetTsubaki would absolutely search endlessly until she found the owner.

pyrite: a physical health headcanonIn order to continue her travels, Tsubaki keeps herself in top shape.

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see themTsubaki never much cared what others think of her, but she thinks in general people view her in a positive light.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenienceKnowing that long travels sometimes require more convenience than elegance, but also being a craftswoman who has an appreciative eye for elegance, Tsubaki tries to use her own skills and knowledge to create new gear that combine the two as best as possible.

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers’ that inspire painful memoriesNot really, Tsubaki is probably the only character I’ve ever written that doesn’t have a tragic uwu backstory

ruby: a happiness headcanonHappiness for Tsubaki lies in being surrounded by those she loves, and being free to roam and journey as she pleases

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would chooseShe would absolutely never chose anyone’s life over another’s. Tsubaki would fight endlessly to find a way to save everyone, even if she would lose her own life in the process

serpentine: how my muse would seduce anotherTsubaki has never been one for romance or physical relationships, she she is very inexperienced. Intimate encounters with her bondmate tend to be very clumsy and innocent.

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininityTsubaki is extremely feminine.

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fateTsubaki believes that everyone has the power to create their own future. Giving in to ideas like being stuck to one future or destiny is just someone giving up or not having the strength to fight for what they truly want, and she will do everything in her power to empower those around her to chase the futures they each truly want.

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse isENTIRELY. If anyone around Tsubaki is hurting or having troubles, she will absolutely take that pain onto herself and do anything in her power, endlessly to help them. Oftentimes to her own disadvantage.

unakite: what my muse’s ideal pet would beanything fluffy that will let her snuggle it and would have no problems being on the road for long periods of time.

verdite: my muse’s ethnicity/family historyTsubaki is a Raen Au Ra, though she could never stand for the secluded life of those she descended from

zebra stone: what gets my muse excitedliterally everything

zoisite: does my muse believe everything’s going to work out for them in the end or not?As long as she draws breath, she has an opportunity so solve any problem she faces.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it��s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[auspicixus]

I hate to do this

but im suddenly going to be facing a lot of financial difficulty

I know. you dont want to hear it, i dont want to say it, but I’m seriously going to struggle this week and the next.

I need help.

The situation:

I’m a mentally & chronically ill disabled trans/nb 18 year old person, who has no job, no benefits, and no external help.

I was hoping to get a summer job but ive had a lot of epileptic fits and dissociative periods recently which i think is due to my BC pills (theyve been having a lot of negative effects on my body which also happened last time i was on this specific pill, but i ignored them since i was also going through a horrible patch in my life).

those two problems alone mean I’m unsuitable for a job - lest we ignore the fact that: I cant drive/ride a bike, I wouldnt get a job in time to help with my current financial issues, the rest of my mental & physical health is suffering as of late and its a mess, and there are no jobs which i am qualified or suitable for in my area anyway. if only i wanted to be a beauty therapist. since i cant drive, i cant even do a ‘choose-your-hours’ job like Uber/Ubereats/Deliveroo/Yodel/etc.

I dont qualify for disability since my regular doctor refuses to listen to me since im “just a hysterical girl*”. More than half of my health concerns have been “noticed but not diagnosed”. I am not medicated for most of my issues. my only prescription is for inhalers for asthma. thats it.

(*I’m not a girl.)

The problem:

During the next 7 days, I have the following coming out of my bank:

£15 for my packer* - 22-23th june

£5 for a monthly donation i make - 25th june

£5 for travel to a medical centre to have my BC pills assessed and changed. i might even have to pay for new medication if i have to go to a pharmacy to get them and they cant verify my NHS exemption, id need to pay +£8.80 or whatever NHS prescription is currently. additionally, if this medicine doesnt work, or something else arises, i may need to go back on thursday (so an extra £5 plus the chance of even more med costs). - 25th june

£5 for travel to college - 27th june

plus £??? for food the days i’ll be out (about £5 a day)

why is this a problem? because i get £30 weekly on mondays from my parents (and I cannot ask for more as they are hardpressed for cash anyway), i currently only have £5.45 in my account, and my account is an U19 account, meaning I cant have credit. i have no overdraft. i have no parachute. this is non-negotiable.

these costs (*my partner offered to give me £15 to cover the packer - but it might not make it to my account in time) will take me to no money in my account, and i havent even factored in the cost of getting food to generally eat while at home (upwards of £5), or any other bus rides i might need (£3 locally, £5 elsewhere).

This is how you can help me:

Promote me & my shops: If you can’t buy or donate, please reblog and share this post!

Help me clear out my Etsy: I’m officially going to be closing my Etsy shop as soon as my handmade items & unused stock are sold. Their fees are just too much, and my handmade items are not getting the traction they need.

Visit my RedBubble store: This is where I aim to make money from now. I would like some suggestions on what I could design for it, if you can help with that.

Donate to, or share, my GoFundMe: Donations given here will act as a temporary cushion for if I struggle to make ends meet. I would rather have other donation methods for the time being, but if you wish to fund my transition directly, please do not hesitate to donate here or bookmark it for later.

Request custom art from me: I’m currently open for custom sigil designs. I’m also working on my general art, which will allow me to open some other customs.. Examples can be found on RedBubble.

If you are LGBT+ and are interested in unique sigils, please fill out this survey! It’s a little long, but its really all I need to know to plan my next batch of sigils!

I also accept donations through Paypal (please ignore the fact that it has my deadname on there).

It might be very short notice, but any money raised now will help me through this week and the next.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[yaminerua]

this house is full of screaming and yelling tonight over the same things as usual. our financial situation is just getting worse.... tensions are getting ridiculously high now..