#i dont know if this is good is this anything. ive not done this before im nervous
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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#I know antidepressants will still leave u with high and low days but idk even then my energy and productivity levels#havent been the same as they were last year or the year before that. before i got on them#so is it not an issue with mental health? wtf is it then 😭#im getting less comms now which is good bc i used to do 30 chibis per month#but now it takes me twice as long to do em bc my energy is so low.#so in making less money bc i dont have enough time to take More....#i dont knowwwwww. whats happened to me....#talkys#its also not even just work burn out...ive also felt the ''loss of interest in things u enjoy'' not just with drawing but with#journaling which ive done consistently for a few years now#i still make myself do it for memory keeping but it feels like a chore. i dont like that. it doesnt feel right#*also clarifying less comms is a good thing i raised prices so id get less!#im saying its bad bc youd think getting less wld leave me with more time for. more comms or literally anything else. but no.#my doctor always says med dosage is up to me like dude idk. im stupid. and scared
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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also i watch The Wild Robot the other day and oh my god 11/10, absolutely beautiful in every sense of the word, would cry again 👍
#josh talks#literally i cried several times throughout the movie#i do tend to be a crier when it comes to movies#but i have never cried like. in so many instances throughout#like usually its like a big climatic scene or the endings of things that make me cry#but this movie could hit you hard from the very beginning#anyway i absolutely fucking loved it#hit me in the Autism Feels (tm) and also had Found Family and i always eat that shit up#i NEED a physical copy of this movie#also side note the minecraft movie trailer played as a preview for this movie and GOD is that embarrassing for minecraft#to have that mess shown before the stunning masterpiece that is The Wild Robot#but it also made me Sad about the minecraft movie and what it couldve been again#imagine if the love and care put into the Wild Robot was put into the minecraft movie....#cuz the wild robot was gorgeously animated and had powerful emotional themes (that i doubt the minecraft movie will have)#there was even this preview for this movie called like Dog Man or something?#and it seems to be an adaptation of a book by the captain underpants guy#and even with such a silly premise and presumably having a target audience of young kids#it was animated so charmingly!! it was pretty and oozed personality!#and looking at the cover of the book it seems to have done a good job of adapting the artstyle into 3D while#also polishing it up while still capturing a similar vibe as the original#like dang. i dont mean to insult dog man cuz i really dont know anything about it. but dang dog man got#so much more love and care into it than the minecraft movie seems to have gotten#anyway sorry to derail from wild robot to minecraft it was just so jarring to have that trailer play before this awesome movie#pls go watch it if u can <3#ive been telling people i know that if they decide to go watch it to tell me so i can tag along and watch it again
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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thinking thoughts. something something
#i have something personal (in a good sense) about volcaronas dont look at me#i should stop being so afraid of posting sketches here. i mean cmon#anyway! ive fallen really deep and really hard in pokemons. to the point where I started drawing humans#something ive never done before. and like. huh#trying things. thinking thoughts. at least i finally started actually drawing something and not just sit there imagining#not tagging this as anything YET i really want to clear it up a little first but right now i dont know when ill be able to#so yeah#my art
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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@boltgunkiller + i's tumblr simulation
🕶 anonymous asked: why do u think its okay to basically tell people to kill themselves do you know how problematic that is ??? so much for being an ally to the mentally ill.
🏳️🌈 courageouskatycat answered: I djdnt mmean that i;m so sorru I was j ust very upswt please don't makw a call out post
(6 notes)
🐟 trouty--mouth
Can a cheerio pls ask if Coach Sue thinks I'm a grill
🐱 unicat
I did and she said she does think you're a grill and you keep your cooked meats in your mouth
🐟 trouty--mouth
? Lol ok what does that have to do with me being female to her that's so funny
(602 notes)
🕊 sngbrd
one like and i'll send ****** anon hate
🕊 sngbrd
thank u my beloved mutual angrybirdsfan221
🐦 angrybirdsfan221
anything 4 u !!!
#also psst sngbrd who's the guy ur censoring omg
(3 note)
🎵 ohioshowchoirupdates Follow
The Dalton Academy Warblers lost a third show choir competition in a row.
🏳️🌈 courageouskatycat Follow
We should all kill ourselves
#Reblog #Cw suicide #Cw loss
(183 notes)
✝️ holiestcheerio Follow
why do i want to kiss girls
✝️ holiestcheerio Follow
WRONG BLOG WRONG FUCKING BLOG
✝️ holiestcheerio Follow
sorry santana took my phone. haha
👄 sntnlpez
I've not seen you in two weeks...?
(846 notes)
🏈 sharkfinn5 Follow
Just want to clear up the rumors that just because I'm living with Kurt doesn't mean I'm gay we're brothers okay guys it isn't gay.
🍆 puckasauraus-rexxx Follow
So it's bisexual got it
#rekt
(401 notes)
🕊 sngbird
if anyone from school found me on this blog i think i would die
🐦 angrybirdsfan221
god same thank god i blocked every1 lol
(3 notes)
🐈⬛ lordtubbington
ive taken up doing cocaine
#i dont know if this is good is this anything. ive not done this before im nervous#if you need clarifications as to what url belongs to who let me know hehe#my post#glee
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wahhhhhh i have an interview tomorrow AND IM SO NERVOUS GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#im fine i just really want this fuckin job#ive been looking for a second job for like a month now i REALLY want it and the pay is rlly good#i mean its entry level so i doubt theyre gonna ask anything super complicated but im just worried ill forget the things i know#its my first IT interview for an actual job job (ive only done internships before) so i dont rlly know what to expect
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listening to ants from up there like a normal healthy person that has relationships that they know will thrive and will not be lost and is certain of their future and enjoys whats happening today and what was happening yesterday and last week and last month. and im cool about it
#ants from up there#intro#chaos space marine#concorde#bread song#good will hunting#haldern#mark's theme#the place where he inserted the blade#snow globes#basketball shoes#guys dont listen to this album it makes you cry a lot#and crying is bad (true)#anyways is anyone else thinking about anything#help#help core lolllll#i have no idea whats in store and ive never liked that ever#i need a react image where a person is staring death into the camera especially now#because ive been feeling it so so so much more lately than before and ive felt it so hard since before summer#i really have no idea how much better this is than jobless summer mentally#i mean in a way it has to be better than summer school summer but at least then i had the inbetween week of the two terms#and yes thankfully i have parents who have enough money to spend two weeks of vacation out of the country which is coming up on saturday#and it will be relaxing ignoring the socializing of family i havent seen in 5 years#but so much of the past month has felt like ive only done work#i feel like my mind is consumed by my job and i really dont know if i like this state of being more than my jobless state of being#i also havent had a workless summer since grade 10 and i was still insecure about my friend group so i didnt go to a lot of the hangouts#but in grade 11 and this year i totally couldve gone to more and felt like i made more worthwhile memories#i wanna say more but tumblr doesnt let you do more than 30 tags#long one#goomb thot
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A group of us were talking about what would happen if we were guilty in Milgram and Kotoko attacked us.
Most of us said we'd get horribly beaten up. I think if I was my 14-year-old self, I could look stupid enough to be not worth attacking.
But what about you?
hiii!!! sorry to keep you waiting! this question is actually quite fun! i have a couple answers!!
she wouldnt beat me up because we would be too busy making out kissing JAJAJAJA NO BUT- with what i believe would be my "murder", current me, and/or not that long ago me, would've explained her situation already to her, so while it would take some talking, i think i could get away with her not beating me up (i know how to talk my way around people like her, which is why im so sure i could fix her- *gets shot*)
in the case that its younger me *points at saori* she wouldnt get to me in time lmao. choosing not to specify what that means
call me delusional, but i really think i could get away with her not beating me up JAJAJAJAJAJA i think she would be conflicted.... i think with the options irl me would have of her "murder", both would've been talked to her already... and to anyone else that i got close to and i feel are mature enough to talk about it to.
3. but okay, in a scenario where all this doesnt happen like that... where i didnt get close to her before hand.... hmm.... i could see myself breaking down because of all the voices and all that... i think she would land a couple hits, but seeing how i agree with her "i know i am the worst, im sorry- i never meant for this to happen" and so on and so forth, and literally having a mental breakdown in front of her would unmotivate her very fast and would be like "aaalllright i think thats enough for this one". i think she would feel bad/pity for me and project a bit (i now have the whole scene in my brain, i wont go into much detail here)
..... not saying mahiru and fuuta didnt have mental breakdowns lmao, but like, both were still holding onto a certain hope?... mappi's "i was just loving him, is it really that wrong?" and fuuta "i fucked up, yes, but so did others, and i was just trying to do good" even if its somewhat them trying to convince themselves about that hope more than actually having it....
#i whole heartedly think she wouldnt beat me up#shes my wife i know myway around her 'ive told you i dont like pain so if you do anything like that were done' would make her chill so quic#JAJAJAJAJA no but seriously someone i love very much and i hold close and dear to my heart is very similar to her and their brain works#similarly which is why im so sure i could make my way through to her....#but thats if i got close to her before hand (which i wouldve totally done because im a little shit and when i like someone theyre done for)#i think it would be very fun to talk with her about some stuff.... and the fact that some of our morals quite align would be good#which is also the reason why i think i could fix her- PUT DOWN THE GUN LET ME FINISH#since we share a bunch of morals i just need to pull her leash- if necessary- where it wouldnt be ideal for her to act and help her redirec#it to somewhere (someone) who deserves that punishment. in this essay i will-#JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA no but yes i think i could pull her leash#seari answers#wife <3#seari being gay#< it applies#long post
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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char, you've got me on the edge of my seat here. i'm very excited for whatever you're working on, hope you're just as excited to be creating it
anon i am so excited you have no idea. i'm by nature a very creative person, and due to school, work, and now illness, i haven't had my needed release of creativity. it's been festering for a while. so once i was struck by inspiration, it's been hard to stop me. it feels amazing to be creating things again--(and a little secret: it's something i have no experience in and have no business doing abilities-wise, but that's never stopped me before!)
it's spiralled into an even bigger project than i could've ever predicted, and honestly, it wasn't even going to be something i posted about when i started. it was just a project for me--which is important!! but with how big it's gotten and how much fun i've had--and honestly the quality of it too--i've decided i do want to share it here bc i think you'll love it.
#i think its really important to create things just for yourself. bc its less pressure and simply fun#especially with this as ive never done it before i didnt know how it was gonna turn out. it would just be my current best#and thats not always something that has to go up! bc its special and just for me and not for others to judge or see#but i surprised myself with how good it looks. and it almost feels like a crime *not* to share it. bc i already know its good.#i am so personally satisfied that i dont care how it does or anything like that. but i do know that it will make some of you smile.#and thats what matters to me. cause its made me smile too#i love love!!!#dnp#c.text#answered
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#personal#soo ive discovered a giant hole in my back tooth because medicare doesnt cover dental except for children#and so i havent been since i was 21 and i try to maintain tooth health at home but im not very good at it#due to being raised wrong about it and also autistic and i cant afford even a basic clean and checkup#which is what i was actually looking in my mouth and deciding i need which would be about 300 bucks already#and now im scared to eat anything because i definitely cant afford to make this worse 🙃#genuinely so much bad shit has happened and every time its like. ok ill pick myself up cause no one else will and dust off and things#will be fine in the end they always are and my heart believes this will be fine too but i dont remember the last time i was#this genuinely legitimately scared. im so scared and i dont know what to do#i know the next steps is to call dentists in my area tomorrow and check if they do medicare but i feel i already know the answer#idk if its better to have looked or to not and be able to live my life but its food time and i cant make myself eat#im scared to make it worse im scared of the pain that might cause im scared of the upward 2k damage costs if it gets worse#fuck#fucking fuck#okok panick attack over i have a two step plan: part one call around tomorrow and see if anyone takes medicare#part two: i have pliars and towels and painkillers and a lot of conviction in both my diy skills and my caring for my own wounds skills#in the mean time just be more dilligent to brush immediately after eating and ill grab mouthwash too as soon as i can as im currently out#i have a family friend whos a vet maybe theyve ripped out a rotted dogs tooth or two before and could help. but ill cross that bridge#when i get to it fir neow i should check with real dentists before making assumptions. and eat because ive been crying and shaking#and was already hungry and now am exhausted. from the aforementioned shaking and crying and need to eat even more#in all cases. dentist on medicare being the best obviously but in all cases im gonna ask to keep my tooth. unless i do it i dont need to ask#but i forgot when i had my wisdoms out a a few years ago. holy fuck that was like a decade ago actually wtf#ima make a necklace out of it since its just the one and not a pair#and just like that things will be fine. as expected as they always are once the panick mode is done im ok i have a plan and im good
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last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here
#but.#even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16#i traveled across the country just to see her again#and it fucking sucked#she ripped that wound right back open#which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come#she made all the plans#honestly the train trip there was nice#i got to experience a lot of cool things#but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life#just nonstop#and now ive finally been away for awhile again#but i still miss her#& i dont know why#but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win#maybe it's just my roll#say all these nice things n then immediately flip#she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there#& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO...#like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it#but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe#but anyway. again. i stayed#over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay#n she'd do it again#until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH#she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried#but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done#but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster#even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating.#what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me
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i will look back on my life at awkward things that happened and instead of cringing at them, i will think "this would happen to harry wouldnt it" and end up making stuff like this
image description in alt text
#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#harry du bois#hdb#harrier du bois#harry disco elysium#harrykim#kimharry#i mean.. its there lmao not super visible but its there on harrys part as clear as day#but. yeah. yeah this has happened to me lmao not a mag or video but a secret third thing. good times. i still dont know#also im putting this in my drafts bc its 3 am and i dont even know if i made a mistake with the text or not so#i may check that once i can actually see before posting it#if you see these when i post this i have checked and decided i liked it as it is#ok the only thing im doing is the image description#ive never done that before i hope it works#also i hope i did that right shgsiugh i just think theres a lot of text so maybe it would be easier to try with this one?#ok but im leaving everything else as it was when i finished it at 3 am lmao i think that has its own charm im not double checking#the skills or the difficulty level of their checks or anything i think its fine as it is#digital art#i forgot i do tag that lmao
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