#i dont know if i even want to go to uni
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I have literally never been happier with my life except for school
Like genuinely everything is so much better than it has ever been before
And i am still getting to the point where I can't stop crying for hours, and it is entirely school based
#moss mumbles#i am trying not to care#but like#idk#im just. meant to?#like ive always been told that school is so important and i need to get A*s#but like realistically what do i want to do well for?#i dont know if i even want to go to uni#if i do go to uni idk what degree or job i want#like im just working towards some nonexistent goal#like its life or death#there is no end goal#the only end goal is happiness#and working myself to death is the exact opposite of that#anyway all this to say. idk whay do bc im trying so hard and school is a mess and its basically the only thing in my life rn thats shit#but its so shit that i literally do not get to experimec the yood stuff for longer than like 15 minutes at a time#and i am also exhausted 24 fucking 7#moss vents
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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sometimes i forget that i live in a world where most people see ads everywhere and im the weird one in this little island of using 10000 adblocks and i get really sad for all those people
#i literally couldnt go back if i wanted to#you dont understand i have So Many adblockers its crazy#off the top of my head i could tell you like 4 that i have on my computer but im sure there are more#on my phone i think i only have 2 or 3??#idk lol its crazy that everyone just lives with ads all the time and im here chilling not having seen a single ad on my computer for 2 year#and on my phone its been a few months i think#and people are like oh its not that bad why would i want an adblock?#and im like ???? why wouldnt you want one#many many sites make you pay for ad free suggesting that this is something most peoplewant#i am offering to tell you how to do it for free forever and youre telling me you dont want to?#a lot of people are just so scared to do anything to their computers they dont even know that there are options#a while ago i finally convinced my uni friends to get ublock origin and they were like here u have my computer and i was like ??#you just need to add an extension to chrome ?? and they didnt know how to do that😭😭😭#*judges from my 239742 addons*#like yeah i get it maybe having so many is unnecessary or whatever but having at least 1 adblock to get some control back is necessary#but whatever lol#mine#random
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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need motivation to keep going but everything feels either too far away in the future for me to care if i get there or not or just unattainable
#tryijg to push myself to start applying to jobs again but then even with money how much do i get to keep#most of it'd be going to bills and loan repayment#if i start driving soon then money to gas#how much do i have for myself#and even if i do have some to myself no space to put anything id like#cant even dream of an apartment or home rn#thats definitely out of reach and things just keep getting more expensive#gave up on dreaming of getting a cat either#bc as much as id love one and as good of a support it could be#...money.#food vet bills sanitary supplies toys#i need some motivation to start actually living instead of rotting away but where the hell do i find it#all i was focused on between hs and uni was getting it over with that ended and i rly have no clue what to do w/ myself#after being sickeningly anxious for 8 years i didnt even get anything out of it what was the point#i dont know what to do or where to go#ofc theres things i do want but its like. they also dont really matter to me.#not much does anymore#and id love it if something did im tired of feeling stuck in place
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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what do you plan to do with your degree after uni?
FUCK NASTY!!!
#if i ever touch economics again it's a cry for help like i cannot stress enough how fucking pointless this degree is gonna be#okay deep breath im only being so negative bc im balls deep in exam season. it's a GOOD degree i DONT REGRET MY DEGREE#this will be EXCEPTIONALLY helpful when i go into the working world i am EMPLOYABLE bc of my DEGREE#like economics is a VERY versatile subject there arent many areas of work that econ doesnt apply to in some way#so i KNOW it's a really good degree to have and i can kinda do what i want afterwards#but oh my fucking god. jesus christ. bloody fucking hell#i do however know that in the immediate year after my degree im gonna move back home and waitress full time#bc i just need to like. take some time off education and recover LMAO and i want a space to just tick some boxes i never got round to#like learning how to drive and stuff. and living without having rent to pay in a place im very familiar with will be good#even if i do think it's gonna have it's own struggles. oh hometown blues we're really in it now#but yeah after that year im thinking about maybe doing a masters? but ill have to proper blag it bc you typically have to do#masters in subjects relevant to your degree and i dont want to go within a radiation exclusion zone of economics#so. there's that. do u think if i say please somewhere will let me do a classics masters be honest. if i say pretty please#ask#hella goes to uni
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i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually
#yeah this is about me#i dont think people realise how fucking hard it is to do both and not go insane#ITS HARD ENOUGH TO DO ONE AND NOT GO INSANE#i wish uni would cut some slack to students who have to work and be more understanding w deadlines and stuff#especially bc jobs act like said job is your entire life and expect you to drop everything when an extra shift comes up#work drains me so fucking much that i just have no physical or mental energy left even back when my shifts were only four hours#how do you expect me to go to a shift then go to classes right after and then spend the evening doing mandatory reading#i rlly wanna know how other people manage it. i really dont think there *is* a way to manage it when you are neurodivergent and Sick#do not get me wrong im grateful to have a job and be able to work i just wish i didnt need to so i could focus on uni#i feel like im going to end up with a worse degree class than im actually capable of because i just cant spend the time on uni that i want
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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Does every uni do this thing and you have to message teachers to ask them to be your thesis' director or is it just my uni that thrives on humiliation
#i have been sittin on it for a week bc i honestly couldn't and the days pass by me like sand thru my hands#but how come two of the teachers i asked have already filled their spots (2).... how did people know already what they wanted to do....#and you need to know your theme and title and what youre going to do and how and just.... damn it is the end of june...#one teacher i sent an email yesterday hasnt responded yet so i am crafting emails and documents for two others bc they all responded within#a day.....#i have never been this close to ritualistic suicide i am having stress dreams about a teacher i had that passed away 😭😭 what the hell#<- joking about the suicide as we all do but goddamn the stress#i dreamt that i had three models to do and my project partner didnt do shit#now in this one with my teacher i had no money bc i spent it on a taylor swift show??? and i was sitting there like i dont even like this#why did i pay for this#so funny retroactively#uni#talking tag
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Born to love forced to hate
#i cant stand these bitches at school 😞 i dont even want to go my graduation#ofc i will but u know what i mean#i wish things were different#uni made me meet my bffs and many amazing ppl i call family#but it could be mch better#hoping to get into better social gatherings
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God I'm fucking. Tired of this.
#i want to do something i want to buy things why wont anyone let me have a fucking job please#i cant tell if its been 1 or 2 years since i finished uni#i cant tell if its been weeks or months since the last time i got interviewed#its so repetitive and i feel so stuck and the only thing thats changing is my resources going down#i keep running out of art supplies and money and when i run out i wont have any reason to live either#and the longer it takes the less i feel like im capable of. i dont even knkw how to do anhthkng anymkre#im supposed to keep applying for jobs but thats so hard i dont know places in my area i can get to i dont know i dont know i dont know
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i dont know what to do...
#my bsf acts like i dont exist when they don't see me#it's really sad coz ik theyre doing it on purpose#when we're in our flat he sends me a million messages and reels but when we go visit family it all goes silent#when i message them they also either ignore me or reply with one word or just react to the message#it might sound like im exaggerating but i think he genuinely does it to spite me??#so this time i stopped texting after the first say of them leaving me on read and they havent said a word or sent anything in 3 days#its really weird coz when were at uni we do everything together#its his bday on wednesday and ive got some cool gifts for him but i dont even know what to write in his card#i just feel miserable.. and really alone#theyre probs gonna be nice again irl but its really draining at this point#i think i just have to learn to take them less seriously tho coz i dont want to end this friendship#it means too much to me#personal
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