#work drains me so fucking much that i just have no physical or mental energy left even back when my shifts were only four hours

[the-casbah-way]

i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually

[inkskinned]

there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.

[figsnpassionfruits]

Show Me

a/n: wheewww this was super fun to write. this takes place after the events of DP&W so i hope it clears up the confusion. have fun reading <3 word count: 2.7k tags: worst!logan x fem!reader (can be read as gn!) warnings: angst, smut, not feeling loved enough, rough sex?, mentions of fighting, being addicted to a person basically dividers by: @strangergraphics-archive pictures are from pinterest

It had been days since you had last seen him. “Don’t worry ‘bout it” He would say, not wanting to merge his rugged life with the domestic one he had built with you. It was common for his episodes to play out like that. Logan would leave to god knows where, taking care of business, not that you would know what was meant by it, and return a few days later. He could call you, let you know that he was okay; but he never did.

Each and every time you would cuss at him, more mentally than physically. How dare he just leave and return whenever it pleases him? How dare he only have a relationship with you when it was convenient for him?

But you could not resist.

No matter how angry you were at him, all what mattered during his returns was that he was safe and that he came back to you. You wanted your rage to overweigh, you really did. But your heart had other plans.

Once the door unlocked you knew what would come. The same fight all over again.

You were in bed now, curled up into a ball under your shared blanket, his distinct smell still lingering on the fabric. Faced away from the door, you hoped he thought you were asleep. There was only so much energy one could withhold. Maybe yours was drained already. If you were lucky, he would just get into bed with you and hold you. Perhaps then you could pretend that everything was okay. That this was not sucking everything out of you.

Nevertheless, his heavy footsteps soothed you. Gosh, you really did not want them to. And sometimes, you really did not want to love him the way you did. Was he everything you wanted? Yes. Would he give you everything you wanted? Sure. But fuck, could he stick around for more than a single week before having to go again? No.

As he stepped into your room you instinctively shut your eyes. You could hear him stand still once he reached the doorway. A loud sigh escaped his mouth, and he walked off once again.

After a few moments you heard water splashing against natural stone.

Relieved that you had another few minutes to yourself, you turned onto your back, your eyes fixated on the ceiling as you became lost in your thoughts again. There you were in the bed of your boyfriend, waiting for him to join, having to act like he just completed a normal day at work. It was sickening. You knew this would be a part of it. Hell, you agreed to it. But now that you were in the situation you were not sure whether you could handle it anymore. If at least he would tell you; not hide his life from you; maybe you could deal with it differently.

Logan told you in the very beginning that he did not want you to know anything about the other side of him. You agreed to it. He told you he did not want you to ask him any questions. You agreed to it. He told you that everyone in his other universe got hurt because of him. He told you he did not want to make the same mistake. He told you that you would only be allowed into a fraction of his life. And you agreed to it.

Maybe you should not have.

He fully walked into your room now, the scent of his shampoo filling your nose as he carefully dropped his weight onto the mattress next to you.

You were back into your previous position now, curled up and facing away from him.

Once under the covers, Logan lifted your head gently and reached an arm under your neck, his other finding its way to rest over your midsection. He nuzzled his face into your hair, inhaling your smell.

He missed you. He really did. And you knew it. And that hurt even more.

Placing a hand on the side of your face, he tilted it up, delivering the softest kiss to your temple.

This was exactly what broke you every time. The softness Logan possessed was nothing you ever had expected from him when you first met. He simply did not seem the type. But after cracking him open, you could tell; this man was the softest lover.

Out of sudden he pulled you closer by your waist, your rear now fully curled into his front, fitting into him like a puzzle piece.

Not able to do any different, you leaned into his touch, wiggling your hips against his groin slightly.

He chuckled once and paid the attention of his lips to your neck this time, mumbling against the soft skin. “You awake, princess?”

You nod and hum slightly, shifting your frame so you could look at his face.

There it was.

The face you fell in love with.

You wanted to yell at him, hit him and tell him to leave. But you could not. Not when he was staring at you like you were the most precious thing he laid eyes on. Not when his eyes sparked that way in the dim light of your bedroom.

“You were gone for so long this time.” You whispered.

“I know.” He replied, kissing your forehead as a silent apology. “I’m here now.”

“Wish you would’ve let me know you were okay.”

“I know.”

This again. He was openly admitting to knowing that his actions hurt you. But his wording made clear that he was not going to change that.

As if he could read your mind, Logan continued talking, his index finger moving lose strands of hair from your face. “It’s dangerous to reach out to you while I’m gone. Never know who is tracking anything, love. I told you this.” He kissed your temple again. His body language was screaming at you that he was sorry, but his words were just scrambling excuses and reminders to you. It was confusing. Were you supposed to be mad at him or forgive him? It always ended up being the same anyway. But it should not.

“I just miss you, Lo.”

Logan let out a sigh, his eyes now on the ceiling.

When no response came, you propped yourself up on your elbows, looking at him. “You could say that you missed me too.”

“I did.”

“Are you sure?”

His eyes now turned to yours. The tension of the eye contact sped up the beating of your heart. He must have noticed, due to the fact that he now had a hold of both of your hands with a single one of his, rubbing small circles on them in an attempt to calm you down. “Yes, I am sure.”

Another moment of silence passed again; the both of you just looking at each other.

“You have to change, Logan. I cannot keep living in this house alone for the majority of the time, asking myself whether you are coming home or not.”

“I know.”

“That’s it?”

Logan cocked a brow at your words, seemingly surprised at your snap.

“That’s all you’re gonna give me? ‘I know’?”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I don’t want you to say anything, Logan, I just want to feel loved and not like just some side piece that you can conveniently return to whenever you’re done with a job!”

He did not expect you to raise your voice. Neither did you.

Logan kept a blank stare at you, not sure how to respond. He knew that you were right and he understood your feelings. That was the problem. It was not about convincing anyone about who had a point, it was more about a behaviour that he was struggling to change. Logan was in a constant turmoil with himself, having to weigh out how to protect the people he was close to as well as having to protect himself. He knew that you should not feel like an option; he knew that. But all those years of self-loathing did not teach him how to show it.

“Darlin’, I-“

Without letting him answer to your rant you leaped forward, engulfing him in a rough and fast kiss. Your hands immediately found their ways to the side of his face and his curls.

Logan copied your action, his lips slightly chapped as your kiss deepened more and more.

Allowing his tongue into your mouth, you moaned into him, pressing your front against his as your legs took over to straddle him. You could not control it. No matter how mad you were, all you wanted was him. Your kisses screamed out in desperation and the need to feel loved by him. It was not like Logan did not love you, but you would be lying if you said that having him gone all the time did not make you feel like it.

Logan set his hands on your ass, squeezing the flesh harshly as he pulled you even closer to him, making you hiss quietly. For a split second he pulled away, guiding your top over your head and throwing it to the side without taking his eyes off of you.

Leaning down into the next kiss, you gasped into his mouth. You leaned down to him, your already hot skin now clashing with the rough hair on his chest, causing you to feel a slight tickle.

“I missed you so much.” You repeated, whispering the words against his lips.

“I missed you too, love.” He replied, giving you a small peck after.

You cupped his face with your hands, rubbing your thumbs over his beard. “You can’t keep leaving me like this, Lo. I get so worried each time.”

Logan leaned his forehead against yours, closing his eyes. “We’ll talk about this again, alright? Lemme take care of you now.”

In a split second he had you on your back, his forearms holding his weight in order to not crush you underneath him. He leaned down to deliver a rough yet short kiss to your lips once more before moving his mouth down to your neck, kissing that sweet spot that made you squirm before sucking on it just enough to make you moan.

“Missed those sounds.” He mumbled, his hands travelling down your stomach and your hips, tugging at the sole fabric that was covering you.

Lifting your hips up, you allowed him to take them off, your eyes not leaving his as he inched further down to the end of the bed, lining his mouth up at your inner thighs.

Usually you would giggle at him, asking him to not tease you. But today you needed this. You needed to feel cherished. Needed to feel loved.

Once his tongue made contact with you; all the anger and sadness washed away. In this moment you were just with him in your shared home, your shared room and your shared bed. It was just you two.

After moaning his name over and over again, his tongue flicking at your bundle of joy, you had allowed to relax and to release yourself, panting as your rode out your high. Logan was whispering and mumbling sweet praises to you, but you were too lost in this setting to pick up on any of them.

Not wanting you to detach, Logan leaned back up to you, his lips hungrily launching onto you again. You tasted yourself on him as you kissed back, your hands on the back of his neck pulling him to you, desperate to want him closer. You leaned yourself further up, your hands automatically moving to get a grip of his now exposed cock.

“Uh uh.” Logan snickered, holding your wrist with a hand of his. “Today’s all about you, mkay?”

“But, Lo-“

“No.” Logan interrupted you with a kiss. “Stop.” Giving you a second to process, he lifted his brows, giving you a look, silently begging you to accept.

You nodded in reply, biting your lip as he flashed you that smirk that you loved so much.

“Good girl.”

Out of a sudden Logan pulled on your ankles, his frame now propped on his knees. You watched him as he spat on his hand, using it to stroke his dick for a few times as he lined himself up at you.

Licking your own fingers while keeping your eyes on him, you moved your hand down to your folds, rubbing small circles on your wet skin.

With the familiar feeling of a lover, Logan entered you slow yet easily. He leaned his body down to you, a hand of his moving your hair out of your face while the other kept a hold on the inside of your knee, tilting it in a way to allow him better access.

“You okay?” He asked you, giving you a small kiss on your lips before starting to move his hips lazily.

“Yea.” You whisper out, tangling the fingers of your hand into his hair.

Smirking at your words, Logan now sped up slightly, his hips clashing against yours in a more rapid pace, now forcing moans to escape your lips. Logan leaned his forehead against yours, his grip now on your jaw. He did not intend to place his thumb right next to your mouth, yet you could not resist.

Turning your head to the touch, you took his calloused finger into your mouth, sucking on it while fighting your moans from his thrusts.

The sound of your wetness mixed with the slapping of skins filled the room as Logan picked up the speed once more, setting it to a more brutal one that you were usually used to with him.

You let go of his thumb with a ‘pop’, leaning your head back into the pillow, moaning out his name.

Using that to his advantage, he dove his head down, nibbling and biting on the skin of your neck, making you audibly gasp in between your bliss. “Fuck, Lo.”

“Tell me what you want.” He mumbled against your skin, not slowing down his thrusts while he demanded an answer.

“Want you to take me from behind.” You managed to blurt out, your eyes rolling to the back of your head once he sped up even more for just a tiny bit.

Out of nowhere he pulled out harshly, not even allowing you to whine at the loss of him before he flipped you over effortlessly onto your stomach. Getting on top of you, Logan pushed his cock right back into you, returning to that pace he had set right before he pulled out.

It was too much for your body to handle and it responded with gripping the covers underneath it as hard as you could, your knuckles’ colour turning to pale.

“Yea, you like it when I fuck you like this?” He mocked you, fisting a hand into your hair and pulling you up to him. “You’re the only one I can do this to, alright? Only you. I’m yours and you’re mine, understood?” He asked through his rough thrusts.

The possessiveness in his voice made you clench around him, your eyes shutting in pleasure as his words filled your ears. “I love you.” You moaned out, a hand of yours now gripping his wrist hardly.

He chuckled and slowed ddown his thrusts for a bit before replying to you. “I love you too, sweet thing.”

Logan knew all you needed was to be fucked well enough to feel loved again. Was it healthy? Probably not. But it was better than fighting. And you hated to admit it.

Delivering a small kiss to your forehead, you whined against Logan, the feeling of fullness and love overwhelming you.

“What’s wrong, love?” He asked, his hips slowly rocking against you.

“Need more.”

Logan smirked once more and sat up straight, his hands now on the sides of your lower back. You wanted him more and more. And he was going to give himself to you.

🍯

[arthursfuckinghat]

So, I've been wondering something.

In red dead online, there isn't too much use for Dead Eye because it doesn't/can't slow time down since you're playing on a server. It's still a powerful skill if you work on the upgrades for it, but one thing I noticed a lot (because I rarely use Dead Eye in online mode) is that your character really doesn't like having a low Dead Eye meter.

As in, your character will cover their eyes and scrunch up their face and wince as if they've got a bad headache (this goes for playing in story mode too). Now I know they're just visual cues for the player to see and be able to tell that the Dead Eye is low (because your aim is much worse with low Dead Eye), but the implications are pretty interesting to me.

So the question is, does having low Dead Eye hurt and why?

We know that both Dead Eye and Eagle Eye are learned skills, and things like cigarettes, cigars, chewing tobacco, alcohol, snake oil and cheese all benefit your Dead Eye when it's low. It's a crucial meter, just like your heath or stamina - which raises more questions in itself.

Dead Eye and Eagle Eye are fascinating to me because they're very valuable abilities that can be used at will, and have specific set limits for how long they can be used at a time.

But only Dead Eye needs regular sustenance, or "feeding" I suppose.

This gives me the impression that Dead Eye is constantly dormant, instead of something that's "turned on" when needed. Like a constant state of being on high alert that's running on the sidelines of your character's day to day life.

When your character hasn’t used Dead Eye for a while and it still drains, it could mean their brain is struggling to maintain that high level of alertness in the background. This constant readiness, or the potential to drop into Dead Eye at any moment, would be like someone constantly being on high alert in real life. Even if they don’t act on it, the strain of staying ready for danger builds up.

Dead Eye uses an almost superhuman level of focus and precision. To enter that state of hyper awareness where time seems to slow down (even if it's just the perception of it), your character's brain might be working much harder than usual, forcing the mind into overdrive. Just like overusing muscles leads to physical fatigue, overworking the brain through intense focus could lead to mental exhaustion and physical symptoms, like headaches or vision problems.

And since Dead Eye depletes like a stamina bar and requires nourishment (cigarettes, alcohol, cheese), the skill could be linked to the body’s energy resources. Using Dead Eye probably increases your character's heart rate, sharpens reflexes, and probably even increases adrenaline production, which are all very taxing on the body.

Which makes sense as to why things like tobacco and alcohol help replenish it.

Stimulants like nicotine or the rush from alcohol might help keep that mental sharpness in check or at least alleviate the strain. It's as if the brain needs to be sharpened or soothed with substances because it's working overdrive in the background, even when you’re not actively engaging with Dead Eye.

So if we treat Dead Eye as something that affects the brain’s chemistry, like sharpening focus and precision, it could also deplete certain neurochemicals or hormones over time (adrenaline, dopamine, etc). Tobacco or alcohol might simulate the release of chemicals that help regulate those abilities. The discomfort your character feels when Dead Eye is low could well be on the same level as withdrawal symptoms, where the brain is craving more of those chemicals to return to its state of super focus.

I mean, what a fucking fascinating concept right?

Dead Eye is solely tied to heightened awareness for life or death situations, focusing entirely on people who can fight back and threaten your life. So while you're using it, you're engaging with targets that could potentially harm you, and that’s why it probably has such a taxing effect. Your mind and body are fully ramped up for combat, for precision, and for survival. It’s essentially a battle skill, designed for quick, decisive violence.

You also gain Dead Eye points for killing people, so you're not just using this dangerous skill, you're learning every time you use it and kill with it.

From a world building pov, this really deepens characters like Arthur or any other Dead Eye users. They're not just "good with guns" - they're managing the toll that comes with honing such a deadly skill. And unlike Eagle Eye, which is more of a passive, less draining ability, Dead Eye seems to tap into something more intense and unsustainable. Which is really fitting for their lifestyle.

Eagle Eye is taught through patience and understanding of the natural world, Dead Eye is forged in fire and the result of a life steeped in bloodshed and conflict.

[adrianfridge]

I don't think enough people talk about the physical and mental energy it takes to cook when you weren't raised to cook.

It's not as simple as here are the ingredients and here are the steps. Cooking involves multi-tasking, timing, proportions, prepping, improvising, and more. The more complex the dish, the more juggling it requires.

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned obtaining the ingredients and the cleaning afterwards.

All these "healthy" and "save money" and "live better" motivational speeches to get people to cook more, and I'm over here like Cooking is Fucking Stressful and Incredibly Draining Actually.

I was raised a girl, but I'm entirely self-taught because my mom hated cooking and never bothered to teach me. She was convinced I'll just naturally learn on my own after I got married and was forced to cook for my husband and family 🙃

Anyway, I went through a HelloFresh phase several years ago to try to kick-start myself into a groove, but it never really latched on. I think the only thing I learned is the importance of prepping ingredients in advance so that once I'm bouncing around, things are just ready for me to grab.

This isn't to say I don't cook AT ALL EVER. I can make eggs on a skillet just fine. But it's a one-and-done kind of thing. Much like putting together a cold cut sandwich. But that's not Cooking™.

Turns out this past month I randomly got a hyperfixation to Cook™, so here I am facing the bone-tired aftermath of making meals that'll last more than one day.

After three weekends of going through it, here's how I autistically started handling the stress:

Find a recipe I will follow

Envision myself going through the steps and allocate a certain amount of energy to the task

Compile ingredients I need to obtain (or get my partner to obtain)

(If I have to go shopping myself, do it on a separate day from when I have to cook)

Open a Google Doc and copy/paste the recipe into it

Rewrite the recipe steps based on how I imagine I'll be going through them once I'm in motion

Mentally practice the steps

When it's time to cook, go through steps as I've mentally practiced them, with improvisation when real life takes a different turn

(If a lot of prep work is required, such as peeling and cutting potatoes, sit down to do it with a podcast before starting on anything else)

After cooking is complete, throw out any lingering garbage

My partner does the dishes :)

I'm sure it'll get easier the longer I do it, but this is exactly why I'm 34yo and always hated Cooking™ to the point that I budget for delivery and take-out on nearly a daily basis.

Cooking is hard actually.

[velvetvexations]

Object of Affection (2)

Hey Velvet Nation! The person who commissioned Object of Affection, which I wrote a short while ago, asked for a sequel and here it is!

As before, this one is pretty heavy, even heavier the first, so please read the content warning carefully! The idea behind these were to write something no concerns for anyone getting off on it except myself.

Warning:

The following artistic exploration of a hypothetical relationship between a dom and sub is very intense, and portrays extreme abuse that should never happen IRL, so please take the time to think about if that may be triggering for you before clicking through. It’s told in the second-person, which may make it worse.

Content warning for physical abuse, emotional abuse, non-con, drugging, unsanitary, gaslighting, isolation, and ableism in just about every way it's possible to be ableist short of slurs. Seriously, if you're sensitive to ableism especially, steer clear. There is some referenced misgendering kink directed at the reader, but not directly, and both the reader's AGAB and gender identity are kept ambiguous. There is a brief paragraph referencing ABDL themes.

Please keep yourself safe, your comfort matters. <3

______________________________________________________________

Mmm. Just like that. Stay absolutely still. Tight, aren’t they?

I think I like you like this. Don’t complain, now. Your limbs haven’t broken yet, have they? As long as you don’t put any undue stress on them, you’ll be fine. Just very, very sore. Now seriously, be still, or I’ll give your knee some undue stress with a golf club. And if it gets damaged punishing you, that’s your fault too, got it?

Heh. Do you have any idea how stupid you look? Stupider than usual, I mean. All tied up on a table in the living room, right between the couch and the TV so I can look past you while I watch the TV up above the fireplace. My little work of modern art.

You were an embarrassing mess last night on our double date, you know. Like always. The boy was way prettier than you, and not in a way you could take notes on. His facial structure, the bones or whatever, was just more attractive and pleasing to the eye than you’ll ever be. You’re always going to stay an ugly piece of garbage. No wonder his owner didn’t even ask about fucking you, huh? Not that I would have let her, since you are still my ugly piece of garbage, which has meaning even if it’s the one and only thing that that keeps me from cutting you open and throwing you away. That’s why I didn’t accept the offer to fuck her’s, because we’re monogamous, you and I, even if the only way we have sex is you watching me jerk off.

Careful. Don’t wobble, or you may fall off, and tied like you are you’ll definitely land wrong and snap something like a twig. That’d be funny, but do you have any idea how annoying it’d be for you to be disabled physically like you are mentally? I already have to tend to your every fucking need, your chores are the least you can do to pay me back and not just be a constant drain on my time and energy.

Oh, look at you blush, as though you still somehow have the capacity to feel embarrassed by how much you need me. Remember last night when they asked me all about you like you weren’t even there? It was fun watching you squirm when I told them how I go to the bathroom with you to wipe your ass because you’re too much of an empty-headed loser to do things like that by yourself. They were so shocked. I could see the sweat running down your face when they both finally looked at you and asked “Really?” like you’d said you’d seen a UFO. That was as close as you get to looking cute.

I like being in charge of those tiny aspects of your life though, though. I think they had a problem understanding what I got out of it, which is funny in and of itself. Like, do you know how much of an unlovable freak you must be for two separate people to be completely bewildered by what I saw in you? How I could possibly enjoy having a partner I have to spoon feed to keep them from hurting themselves?

Shut the fuck up, you know it’s your fault the forks cut your mouth up so often. It’s not like I sharpened them or something, that’d be insane. You just manage to fuck up sitting still and being fed.

But like I said, I like that. If you weren’t an unlovable freak someone else might love you, and you have no idea how much that would piss me off. They can find you pleasant as they like, but why should I have to share loving you with them? I’m still so angry about when you broke down last year having a crying fit over how much everyone but me hates you. I have NPD you little ableist bitch, why isn’t my love good enough, why do you need to horde it from other people too? You should be thrilled that our relationship is that closed off because it means a narcissist has you completely to themselves. You’re the perfect partner for me because you repulse everyone else who comes into contact with you, and it’s exactly because of selfish bullshit like this.

I guess I should be thankful for that. Listen, just because I enjoy all the ways you’re so loathsome doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Don’t be proud of anything. Just be satisfied and content that your misery gives my heart a throbbing erection. I’ll compliment you for your failures when I feel like it.

For instance, not being able to feed yourself? That’s so...well, it’s not cute. It’s a burden on me and it should destroy every last speck of your self-worth, but that’s exactly what you need to understand as a good thing. The fact that you sit there and literally wet yourself from fear when I bring out the silverware every day is gross and irritating, but that you’re suffering a trauma response by doing something so gross and irritating – and shameful – is endearing as fuck.

Are you still moaning about having your arms and legs bent like that? You’re such a big baby. I should start treating you like that more, shouldn’t I? I haven’t let you wear anything helpful for dealing with you fucking up your pants on such a regular basis because I think it’s funnier when I make you make a mess, since, you know, you always have to clean it up yourself anyway, but maybe it’d be fitting watching a whiner like you waddle around in a big dorky diaper.

Ugh, don’t cringe at me like that. You know you’ll do whatever I want you to. You already wear clothes you hate. I don’t think I’d get much satisfaction out of dressing up a cis person in those ridiculous outfits, but I love seeing the dysphoria making your skin crawl, especially when we go out in public.

That reminds me, you’ve been doing good on picking your nose without me having to tell you to. Figures your one talent is showing everyone how gross you are.

Anyway, like I was saying…no, misgendering a cis person just doesn’t have the same ring to it. See, here’s the thing you need to understand, okay? I’m a trans woman, and as much as I love getting off on how stereotypically negative an example I am, I do just get those nice euphoric feelings when someone calls me by the right pronouns. I’m not transphobic. I’ve read all the science. It’s not just one of the many ways your brain is broken, gender identity is as valid as anything can be.

So imagine how thrilling it is to invalidate it, even knowing and fully believing that. If I were just a transphobe, what’s the fucking point? You give me a million chances to make fun of you for being deluded at best and a loathsome liar at worst. I don’t need to go to your gender for that. The exciting thing about dressing you in the wrong clothes, and making you wear the wrong pronouns pin, and writing your deadname on the wall in front of your cage where you have to stare at it…is that it hurts you. Your gender is as real as your bones, which means I can break it just like I can them, only screwing you over that way won’t make you a worthless invalid.

But that means I have to reinforce it, too. Can’t have you getting used to it. People in the closet can bury the pain, and so could you, if I let you. So I gender you correctly, most of the time, so that you and I are both fully aware I’m stabbing you with a knife when I don’t.

Fuck, it’s hot when you cry. You’re getting me hard on purpose, aren’t you? I’m trying to watch anime, weeb that I am despite still somehow being above you and owning your ass, and all you can think of is how much you wish my cock wasn’t still in my pants. Fine. This is what you want, right?

Go on, watch me, you little creep. Look at my hand going up and down my dick, stroking to the cute girls on the screen. Has it ever occurred to you how pathetic it is that staring while I masturbate to Japanese cartoons is your definition of sex? You’re so pathetic.

I’ve had this new idea though…we don’t even need to untie you.

No, we’re not going anywhere, but I like that you assume that every time your face is level with my rear. That’s a good kissass. Let me just take these pants off though and…yeah, okay, you get the idea. Shut up, I know I don’t have to grab your hair and force you between my cheeks like this, I like being unnecessarily violent, how fucking hard is that to understand?

With how hot it’s been lately, I’ve been sweating so much it feels like I’ve lost half my body wait just dripping off me. And I haven’t felt like shaving my body hair in fucking ages, so I’m just kinna covered in a carpet drenched with sweat. Seriously, have you ever seen a man this hairy? I’m a woman but sometimes when I’m feeling lazy you can barely see my skin for the slick, sweat-soaked hair covering me from the neck down.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, lick bitch, just like that…it’s just like pussy, isn’t it?...I deserve to get eaten out like a girl...you make me feel so girly...

Ughhh...fuck...

Mmmhhh…you really are capable of providing a service once in awhile. Fuck though, I got it all over my hands again. Whatever, let wipe it off with your hair, that’s what it’s for. Remember when I got a big handful of that greasy hair of yours and jerked off with it? That was fucking disgusting, but hot too, so I don't see any reason to wash your hair more often.

Fucking hell, that was nice. Where do you get off wanting to be loved by other people, anyway? Can you imagine your old friends and family watching you lick a hairy asshole? If they didn’t hate you already, they would then.

But they do. Hate you already, I mean. They had to put up with you for over two decades since you were born, how couldn’t they? It’s infuriating that you still sometimes insist you remember being told you’re loved, as if you aren’t obviously just lying to yourself. Every time they seemed like they didn’t hate your guts was just them trying to get through the day with polite fiction. How could you think otherwise after I got them to record how they really felt about you? I really thought hearing your mother say you were an unwanted piece of shit that ruined her life would have had an effect, but I guess my effort to cure you of at least one of your delusions was a waste.

Did you think I faked that somehow? Like I could just clone people’s voices? Grow up. I should let you read more about the world to keep this silly sci-fi stuff from getting in your head, but you can’t handle that kinna information overload. You can barely even read a picture book.

You have me, though. You have me and always will, just like I’ll always have you, because you belong to me. You’re my property. Everything you do is because I want you to do it. Everything that happens to you is because I want it to happen to you. To even call you a “toy” would be accurate, but an understatement nonetheless. You’re my beloved. No one else could ever be my one and only, my partner.

I love you. Maybe I should say that more.

Aw, fuck. You’re going to get on my nerves later being able to do even less than usual, but I think I want to see you land wrong anyway. I’m going to kick the table over and see what happens, and if you disappoint me I’ll just have to get the sand wedge after all, so try to make it good.

Ready or not…

______________________________________________________________ link to the first story

If you like my writing, please consider commissioning something! My prices are very cheap at only $5 per 500 words.

[creedslove]

YOU’RE SO SWEET I SWEAR😭😭 don’t worry if it takes time, take all the time you need ❤️❤️🫶🏻 I was thinking maybe some angsty angst where Javier and reader are married, they got married when they were younger and like reader is pretty much younger than him (don’t worry if you don’t want to add this age gap particular) and they are like on a rough patch right now (if you want reader’s age might be one of the problem, like they’ve fought and he called her immature) and I don’t know this might be a prompt then you can decide if giving them a happy ending where they like work it out or (we want to hurt) giving them a no happy ending where they divorce or something like that. Sorry if it’s maybe too specific feel free to do whatever you want with it and change it however you please and add whatever you like🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 love u love u ❤️❤️

Javier Peña x f!reader

A/N: lovely, my darling 💕

• Marriages are hard; and you learned that the hard way: by being in a constant spiral of fights and arguments with your husband Javier

• if someone had told you you two would be fighting like cats and dogs, you would've laughed at their faces, but now? it was like you didn't even recognized him anymore

• perhaps it was because you two got married too early, or maybe too fast, you didn't know... but at the time it felt so impossible to resist and stay away from each other

• it was like you needed him around and he needed you too, you were inseparable and you couldn't stay away from each other

• so you tied the knot and lived a pretty long and satisfying honeymoon phase until you realized marriages were... hard

• Javier was a prince... whenever he wasn't too caught up at work, because then nothing existed but his duty

• he knew he shouldn't be like that, he knew that work wasn't everything at all, but he was like that, and you knew about it before you got married so he figured you would have to accept it

• but you on the other hand, weren't happy about it at all... all you wanted was more attention from your husband, perhaps he could take you on a date like he did before

• but Javi was exhausted, he was mentally, physically drained and he didn't have energy to engage in things he usually did and that reflected on your marriage

• you began feeling unnerving when you realized Javi didn't even touch you anymore and that had nothing to do with the desire he felt for you, it was just because he was so tired all the time

• but you didn't know that and it made you get insecure about yourself at first and then about your relationship

• it all escalated to one night when you climbed his lap and tried kissing him but he asked you to stop because he wasn't in the mood and suddenly you two were arguing like you'd never done it before

"The problem is that you are fucking too immature!!"

"Yeah? What am I supposed to think? You used to be a manwhore, after prostitutes all the time and now you don't even touch your wife anymore?"

• and after that, judging by the deafening silence spread around the room you knew you had said the wrong thing, but it was too late to take it back

"That's all you think of me, right?"

• and with that Javier left the house, slamming the door behind him, needing to calm down the anger

• and you cried yourself to sleep, not knowing where your marriage was going

____

[fleetsonourgecentral]

Hey sorry for throwing this on you suddenly but aghhh I can’t take it anymore

We need to talk about Scourge coming in actual contact with Fleetway’s chaos energy. Sooner or later it’s bound to happen with all the batshit insanity that goes on that universe.

It’s so easy to say he would have a super crazed form much like Sonic’s. But there’s so much to possibly speculate because the strange way chaos energy works there. Scourge also originally absorbed master emerald energy from the Prime universe and I absolutely refuse to believe it just made him permanently green with a tiny power boost!

Some have suggested that Super Scourge would actually have a more docile gentler personality based on the fact Fleetway’s Evil King Sonic turns good when he absorbs chaos energy. So apply that to Scourge’s case. While everyone is relieved that he’s on their side, Sonic just gets pissed off ofc because that’s not his Scourge at all. Like okay he’s nice too nice, good, but give me back the green asshole I care about.

He could also possibly transform at will though rather than being emotion-based. (though it’ll be fucking hilarious whenever Scourge feels really happy and is just like aw fuck c’mon just let me be happy in the inside—super form)

He still wouldn’t largely remember what he did though when he’s Super (maybe exist as a voice in Super’s head at times) and Sonic bullies him for all the good deeds he does but is likely too flustered to talk about him at first

There can be still conflict to all of this because Sonic can never have it easy in his universe especially when it comes to Scourge. His Super form being aware of Scourge and often refuses to change back. The saving grace is that he could share Scourge’s cowardly traits, so Sonic goes borderline feral whenever this happens and scares his super form off 90% of the time. the other 10% is having the freedom fighters gently coax him to transform back/Scourge gaining back complete control. Over time he also could be mischievous with Sonic only and playfully mess with him in ways Sonic very much does not like.

or another scenario is since he originally absorbed chaos energy from the Prime universe, and is coming in contact with the corrupted chaos energy here, this might cause changes in him. Either gaining new abilities and power/ causing physical & mental imbalances/ (Scourge why tf are you acting like your Super sometimes—) / shares a deeper connection to the master emerald here that might lead to something objectively good or worse in the long run

but no one knows yet if transforming the way Sonic used to would apply to the other universes. He should be cautious. (Realistically, if Scourge has the will to transform, he wouldn’t even bother gotta keep that bad boy reputation he’s got after all.)

ahhh that’s all otherwise I think I might go on forever! anyway I hope you touch on this subject sometime again in the future, it’s so fun to see how you write them out.

Oh god okay okay okay you have given me MUCH to think about and I love it so muchhhh because I love to think about lore especially the lore of the chaos emeralds in the fleetway universe even if I usually never end up coming to a conclusion. Normally I try to only put my fics under a read more, but this got long so I'm putting it under a cut

Okay so you're absolutely correct that the easy thing to do is to assume the influence of the chaos emeralds would have the same effect on him as it did on Sonic, and initially, that was my knee-jerk reaction. The corrupted energy of the emeralds fucks over both Sonic and Kintobor, after all, so it's logical to assume they would do the same to Scourge. Outside of these two, the only other people we see under the influence of chaos energy are Chaos (which happens pre-Kintobor's tampering) and Super (who is made of chaos energy, and only chills out when he is drained of/disconnected from/doesn't use the powers of his chaos energy and immediately goes back to murderous the second he either uses the power of his chaos energy or comes into contact with the chaos emeralds) so those are all we've got to go on, and they don't provide a good track record. We know that in small amounts some chaos energy isn't immediately harmful - I believe the Power Rings in stc have very small amounts of chaos energy in them, and touching one of them didn't instantly cause Sonic to turn super - but if there's a build up, or just larger amounts, it rarely means something good. Following the pattern of what we know about the chaos emeralds and chaos energy in general, it is a reasonable conclusion that they would have the same impact on Scourge

A good point is raised about King Sonic and his reaction to the chaos emeralds, which adds to the evidence that the chaos emeralds may not instantly make Scourge's super form evil and out of control, but we're only in that universe for a little bit, and we don't get to see how chaos energy works in that universe. We don't know if there were any differences in Kintobor's experiments, for example - was he still trying to rid the world of evil by storing it in the emeralds, and were his experiments successful in this dimension? Or did he take a different approach and use the power of the emeralds as purification, instead of containment? - so it's impossible to tell if the chaos emeralds in that mirror dimension even work the same as the chaos emeralds in the main dimension. Not knowing if there are differences in how they work makes it difficult to know if the chaos emeralds in the main dimension would have the same impact on Scourge as the mirror dimension. Arguments can be made for both

What does immediately stand out is your point that Scourge absorbed the power of the Master Emerald in the prime dimension. I'm not too familiar with the lore of the chaos emeralds in the archie canon, but it's pretty safe to say it's very different to the lore and history of the chaos emeralds in the fleetway comics (they aren't fucked, for one). So the immediate question is: how would the chaos energy of these two different dimensions interact? It's tempting to say chaos energy is chaos energy, and that fleetway's corrupted energy would corrupt the chaos energy from the prime zone, but the chaos energy in these two dimensions presumably has completely different origins, so they might not even be similar enough for corruption to happen. Different wavelengths or something, the same way anarchy energy in Moebius is presumably different to the chaos energy of both the prime zone and the fleetway dimension. And if there's no corruption, how would these two very different chaos energies interact, or do they even interact at all?

On top of that, Scourge didn't just absorb any chaos energy. He got zapped specifically with the energy of the Master Emerald. So it's not just any old chaos energy, it's energy that can control and neutralise the chaos emeralds and their chaos energy. Whether or not Scourge can use that energy he got blasted with, that's still something pretty overpowered to be running through his body

So if he was to be hit with chaos energy from Sonic's dimension, how these two different energies interact - again, if they interact at all - could have a big impact on what happens to Scourge. Are the energies similar enough that the energy from the Master Emerald can neutralise the energy of the chaos emeralds that come from a completely different dimension? And if this energy can be controlled by the Master Emerald's energy, that gives Scourge a much better chance of retaining control over himself. Kintobor and Sonic notably got blasted with energy that grew unstable because they only had six of the emeralds, crucially missing the one emerald that controls the others. And when Knuckles has the emeralds, he can control their energy, even corrupted as it is, just fine, enough to put a stop to Robotnik. If the Master Emerald's energy in Scourge can do something similar, there's a very, very good chance he's not even at risk the same way Sonic is. It could very well just act like an ordinary super form

Or maybe the chaos energies are too different, and the Master Emerald's energy has no impact on the chaos emeralds from Sonic's dimension. From there, that could either be the equivalent to a negative chemical reaction, or nothing happens and the chaos emeralds continue to impact Scourge as normal. I'm leaning more towards the latter, because we see Scourge wield anarchy beryl post-ME zapping, and anarchy energy and chaos energy are presumably different energies, and the energy of the ME doesn't seem to change anything about the way anarchy energy influences Scourge, but the former is definitely a possibility considering the additional corruption of the chaos emeralds. It would probably look similar to what you mentioned (possible new powers, physical and/or mental imbalance, deeper connection to the master emerald, and honestly so many more possibilities)

Another thing that comes to mind is how the the chaos emeralds' impact Captain Plunder, when they temporarily absorb the negative energy of him and his crew. It's the only time I can think of we see the chaos emeralds impact anyone in a vaguely positive way, and is, imo, actually pretty good evidence to the idea that they could impact Scourge the same way they impact King Sonic. Of course, the difference here is that the pirates didn't (to my understanding) actually get blasted with chaos energy; they were just around the emeralds long enough for their negative energy to be absorbed, and the emeralds were retrieved before they could become unstable and blast the pirates with chaos energy. So maybe actually using the emeralds wouldn't have this impact, but again: if the energy from the Master Emerald can control the chaos emeralds, then maybe a side effect of using them without losing control might be the emeralds absorbing Scourge's negative energy; it's pretty safe to assume he must have a lot of it as an Anti Sonic, after all. It might not make a difference, again, because of the differences of Scourge having a connection to the prime dimension, not Sonic's dimension, but honestly, I don't think it would be a stretch to assume they would have this impact. To my understanding, it's pretty vague if this "negative energy" that the emeralds absorb is negative chaos energy, or something else entirely. So, up to whatever u wanna go with

Interestingly, this also means that even if turning super doesn't make Scourge mellow out the same way it does to King Sonic, just being around the emeralds and using them might. So Scourge might not even need to use them for them to change him, which... well, Sonic already doesn't have good associations with the chaos emeralds, so seeing them so drastically change Scourge even when he's not using them wouldn't sit well with him. As you said, he really, really likes Scourge, and he especially likes that Scourge is an asshole. The asshole is who he fell in love with, and he wouldn't take kindly to that being changed

His instinct is, of course, that the chaos emeralds will have the same effect on Scourge as they do on him, which is why he's so desperate to keep Scourge away from chaos energy. He wouldn't want to take the risk, and once they grow close, he especially doesn't want to lose someone else he loves to chaos energy. He wouldn't be happy about Scourge becoming "not an asshole" under their influence, but he's infinitely more terrified of them doing to Scourge what they did to him. Of course, there's no guarantee how long that will last. Like you said, Scourge is bound to come into contact with chaos energy eventually. It's just a matter of how much of it he comes into contact with. Sonic just has to pray it's a small, non-harmful amount

The tldr is that exactly how the emeralds and chaos energy impacts Scourge depends entirely on how you the rules work, and as there is no canon explanation for how these rules differ and thus would interact, it's entirely up to whim on how it would play out, and I am indecisive and like the sound of both scenarios lmao whoops. I enjoy chewing on these thoughts, because I like thinking about what the rules could be, and the results of these different rules. I like having options on how I want to spin things. So for now I haven't committed to one idea on how the emeralds would impact Scourge. That may change in the future, but for now it's a solid "whichever set of rules I wanna play with at any given time"

Okay fdhsdj now that I'm done overthinking the lore, I'm following up on the rest of your ask, because I also really like and am intrigued by the scenario presented here. I love the idea that Scourge can transform at will, because the interesting thing about chaos energy in Sonic's dimension is that it kinda... sticks around. Super is slowly drained, but he's made from chaos energy, so the rules are a bit different for him. And although Sonic comes down from being hopped up on chaos energy, we can assume there's still some in there, because stress can cause him to transform even when he's nowhere near the chaos emeralds or power rings. It's reasonable to assume that if Scourge used the emeralds, or maybe if he also absorbed a lot of chaos energy, there's a good chance it would stick around in his body too (maybe getting zapped by the ME also makes it so chaos energy sticks to him easier, if you want further explanation?)

And if it sticks around in his body, I think you could probably make a pretty strong case for Scourge being able to transform at will. Because although Sonic doesn't transform at will, I don't think Sonic really wants to. Why would he? His super form is destructive and has a very high risk of hurting innocent people and the people Sonic cares deeply about. The super form is an involuntary last resort, and considering the consequences that come with it, of course we won't see Sonic try to do it at will

You know who we do see use the powers of chaos energy at will, though? Super. You could make the argument this is an ability unique to him because he's made of chaos energy, but I don't see why it couldn't be an something Scourge (and Sonic, if he wanted to) could do. Granted, when Super used his powers he fell right back under the influence of the chaos energy, but if we're working under the assumption Scourge doesn't deal with those negative effects when he uses the chaos emeralds, then that isn't a consequence he has to worry about. So I think it's pretty reasonable to assume he could transform at will, because if Super can use the powers of chaos energy at will, why can't Scourge?

(That being said the idea of Scourge forcibly transforming because he got too excited or riled up or even too happy is a hilarious mental image that will delight me for the rest of my days)

Scourge would, however, hate that his super form is so nice lmao. It's hilarious how much he'd hate it. He'd be less reluctant to do it than Sonic if only because he doesn't have to deal with the same burdens Sonic does, but you're so right that he wouldn't bother to transform because he has a Reputation, and his super form threatens that reputation. Sonic had to wake up from every transformation going "oh god who did I hurt" while Scourge wakes up from every transformation going "what do you MEAN I built an orphanage with my bare hands??? This is the worst day of my life" and this is made worse by the fact the freedom fighters would not let him forget about any good deeds done while transformed

I LOVE the concept of Super Scourge refusing to change back, especially as it has a lot of weight to it. King Super Sonic's immediate reaction is to want to stay like that, and Super refuses to use his powers out of fear of becoming evil again. So it makes sense that Super Scourge in this scenario would refuse to turn back; his normal self is a horrible person, selfish and rude, why would he want to become that awful person again? In stc this is framed a good thing, because both Super and King Sonic were evil, but for Scourge? Becoming a nice person is closer to horror for him, tbh. For his entire self, the identity he clings so hard to, to be stripped away and locked up forever. Rendering him the same as any other Sonic in the multiverse, with absolutely no way to stand out. The idea of that happening - worse, of choosing to do that to himself - is horrifying to him. For once, becoming a "better" person is not the good option. It's the terrifying one

I also really like the idea that he shares Scourge's cowardice, and that is what ultimately makes him bend to the demands to change back. Sure, eventually Scourge would turn back on his own - super transformations are temporary after all - but if Super Scourge really was that reluctant to transform back, he'd search for a way to make it permanent, just like King Super Sonic, or at least keep it up longer. All it would really take is an extra dose of chaos energy from the emeralds to keep up the transformation for a little longer. So it's really nice that there's another reason he ends up transforming back outside of it happening naturally, even if the other reason is Sonic scaring the shit out of him and probably threatening to kick his ass until he transforms back lol. Honestly, in a way it's really sweet that Sonic loves his asshole boyfriend so much that he throws a fit over said asshole boyfriend becoming a nicer person. He finds it genuinely unnerving when Scourge isn't an asshole, and he hates that Super Scourge wants to say super, like Scourge's bad attitude is a thing that should be fixed. He especially hates it because he knows how much Scourge hates being perceived as nice or good or a hero, so watching Super Scourge act like he's better off this way upsets him greatly because he knows how much it would upset Scourge if he was in his right mind

As for headcanons about possible dynamics, I think Super Scourge would drive Sonic up the wall, mostly because Scourge becoming nice would lead to him, like, cuddling close to Sonic and saying lots and lots of sappy and romantic shit, and worse, being genuine while he says it. Sonic is flustered. Sonic hates it. That's not his boyfriend who says one thing and does another and only says nice things if it's wrapped in three layers of sarcasm and irony. He is pushing Super Scourge away and yelling at him to change back and stop trying to kiss him, stop being nice to him that's not how this works all while Super Scourge talks about how much he loves and appreciates Sonic. A kind of:

"You're beautiful" "HE'S LOST HIS MIND!!!! >:("

kinda dynamic.

(In the background, the freedom fighters are filming this interaction, and they will force Scourge to watch it once he's back to normal. Scourge will also hate this and is three seconds away from burying someone alive. He and Sonic silently agree to never talk about the incident, while the freedom fighters are committed to never letting them forget it)

[jungkookslipring]

I Will Never Make You Lonely: CH 2

Summary: When your life is falling apart, your 8 best friends are there to lift you up

TW: mentions of de&th, su!c!de, su!c!de tendencies, su!c!dal ideologies, depress!on, anxiety, crying. If this is in any way triggering I’d steer towards more of my happier works. 

If you or someone you love has thought of or acted on suicide, there is help and there is hope 

Call or text 988

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, non-idol AU

PSA: this is no way represents the artists. While their birth names are used in this story, this is in no way a reflection of the artist or artists in real life.

AU: this chapter is a little more lighthearted, but I wanted to add the trigger warnings just in case.

there is a tickle scene in here, so if it's not your cup of tea you are more than welcome to skip this chapter.

Ch 2

The last seven days have felt slow and dreadful, and all you could do was work. You were currently in the fourth week of your final quarter with midterms coming up soon. Although your friends have their own school work to worry about, they are starting to become worried about you. You haven't shown any signs of emotion since you received that phone call.

You would spend 12 to 16 hours each day reading, writing, deleting, and editing. However, when it was time for bed, you couldn't sleep. And even if you managed to sleep, you would have very vivid nightmares. As a result, more than half of the time, you would keep yourself busy by burning through homework assignments and projects.

Sometimes the guys would bring you food, drinks, or snacks because they knew you wouldn’t do it yourself, and you were now approaching a no-sleep streak of almost 72 hours. You truly didn’t know how you were still functioning, and they didn’t know either. One evening you were sitting at your windowsill, reading yet another case study. You closed your eyes for a split second before your heart nearly jumped out of your butt when Hyunjin, Han, and Minho burst into your room. You stared at them with your hand over your chest.

"What. the actual fuck is happening?" you ask trying to catch your breath. Hyunjin grabbed your textbook and Han grabbed a hold of your hands.

"Friday night movie night! Don't tell me you were going to skip!" Han said full of energy. Right, movie night. On any given day they would jump on your bed and quite literally drag you away from whatever you were doing so you could all binge-watch movies until the early AM, but Chris had warned them to leave you alone because you were studying. That didn't work out so well.

"If you want to study you can, we just thought you deserved a break," Minho said kindly. Han stood there swinging your arms side to side, patiently waiting for an answer.

"You haven't taken a proper break for days, y/n, and sleeping doesn't count as a break, which we know you haven't gotten a whole lot of either," Hyunjin said as he thumbed the dark circle under your eye gently. You exhaled and closed your eyes. All the shock mixed with not getting any sleep was not only mentally draining but also physically.

“I’m fine, I don’t sleep a whole lot anyways,” you said, shrugging it off, but if you spent the rest of the night studying, you were going to collapse, and the boys knew that. They suggested that you take a nice hot shower and meet them in the living room for some much-needed best-friend time. Seungmin was already on a mission to get your shower bomb that made the entire bathroom smell super citrusy and lit a candle to provide a little bit of light so that the overhead light wasn't so bright. After the shower, you walked into the bedroom and saw a pair of folded pajamas that were warm from just being pulled out of the dryer and placed on the bed. You felt so much love for those boys. There was a gentle knock at the door once you were dressed.

“Come in,” you called out. The door cracked open as Minho poked his head in the door frame. 

“I made soup if you would like any,” he said sweetly. You gave him a smile as you whispered “Thank you”. He had sad eyes and a kind smile, he knew (they all knew) how hard you were taking everything. Minho slowly pushed past the door and walked up to you. 

“Aigoo…” he whispered as he cupped your face, studying your features.  

“You must be exhausted." You nodded and looked down at the floor.

“Would you like to eat? Even if it’s just a bite or two?” he asked. You nodded slowly as he carefully took a handful of your sweater paw and led you out of your bedroom. As you stepped out of the hallway into the kitchen, you noticed that the boys were scattered in the living room. They were having soup while the TV was on low volume, making sure not to be too loud. When you walked in, they greeted you with sweet smiles. Minho handed you a bowl of soup and led you to the couch. Changbin patted the spot between him and Han, inviting you to sit. You weren't sure which movie they had picked, but it managed to distract you. After you finished your soup, Han took your bowl while Changbin snuggled you close to his side. Han came back and stroked your hair while cooing at the both of you.

“Our baby,” he said sweetly.

“She’s not a baby, she’s older than you,” Changbin jokingly sassed at Han. Han put a hand over his heart and made the most extra gasp he had ever made. You giggled and patted Changbin’s hand.

“I’m older than you too you know,” you say while trying to hide a smile. Everyone in the room burst out laughing as Changbin gave you a look of betrayal.

“By two months!” he squawked at you as he began to poke your sides. You giggled as you buried yourself further between Changbin and the couch cushions, trying to get away from Changbin’s hands.

“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere missy!” Changbin laughed as he pulled you onto his lap. He held you in his arms as he squeezed your side with one hand.

“Bihihin quit ihihihihit,” you giggled trying to fold in on yourself. Your arms were trapped under his so your whole midsection was exposed while Han grabbed a hold of your ankles to hold you down. You squeaked when Chris got on the couch, plopping himself right next to your hips, and pressed his fingers into your tummy, turning your giggles to laughter. 

“Awww there’s that laugh we love so much, tickle tickle tickle,” he teased as his eyes turned into beautiful little crescents. 

“YOU GUYHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS ARE SO BAHAHAHAHAD!” You threw your head back on Changbin’s shoulder as you continued to squeal while the boys cooed at your reaction. As the movie played on, three of the boys tickled and teased you while the rest looked on with adoration. It was heartwarming to see you smile again since they had missed it. After a few minutes, Chris and Changbin stopped tickling you, and you resumed cuddling with Changbin while Han kept your feet on his lap and tapped a beat on your calves. The group ended up having a movie marathon, with occasional pokes and squeezes from Changbin and Han.

As your favorite movie played on, Changbin noticed that you were starting to fall asleep on his chest. He began to play with your hair, alternating between massaging your head, rubbing his hand up and down your back, and gently running his fingers through your hair. The soft touches on your head and back and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat helped you fall into a peaceful sleep. Once you were asleep, Changbin nudged Han and pointed to you, indicating that you were out. Han quietly cooed at you and signaled everyone else that you were asleep. By the time the last movie had ended, it was almost 9 p.m., and Chris suggested that everyone should rest. Changbin picked you up and carried you to your bed without waking you up. He tucked you in, gave you a soft kiss on the forehead, turned off the lights, and closed the door.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for CH 3!

taglist: @felixmainacc @felixburneracc @myforevermelody143 @dunno-wut-to-do @itzsana-kiddingmenow

[larabiatasstuff]

Hey @larabiatasstuff I’m finally giving you my request 😊

Was thinking of CK Terry noticed I haven’t been to the dojo all week for sessions and the bedroom time has been lacking. He has suspicions of someone else and confronts me and truth comes to be work has been physically/mentally exhausting and I haven’t the energy, nothing against him at all. Terry apologizes and the moment then becomes very hot and spicy 🔥 🔥. Would you be able to add “I am your girl and only yours”

Thank You! 😊

Hey @cortmac1989🖤It's totally fine you can send requests anytime I'm always looking forward to reading them. Thank you for sending this one I'm excited to write that for you 🙏

The last month was pure horror, not just for Terrys and my relationship it also got to me physically and mentally. A few of my coworkers called in sick so me and my coworker Sandy had to do all the work which meant, working overtime and being on duty 24/7. I didn't have the time to attempt the karate sessions and Terry was already asleep when I came home. One night when I arrived home I wanted nothing more than taking a shower and falling into bed. I put my keys on the table and walked into the living room . "Hey sweetheart how was work?" Terry asked sitting in his large armchair holding a drink in his hand. "Exhausting, I'm surprised you're still awake honey." he laughed "Is that so?" I immediately felt that something was off "Terry what's wrong?" he got up and took a step towards me. "There's no need to lie to me Y/N. If there's another man just tell me. Believe me I can handle it." that hurt. I loved Terry with all my heart never would I cheat on him with someone else. "Are you serious? Terry work is absolutely crazy lately, many of my coworkers are sick Sandy and I have to do their work too." he shook his head "It's not the first time you have much work but you always had time for your karate sessions or at least for us so I ask you one more time is there another man?" now I felt tears welling in my eyes. "You know what? Believe what the fuck you want. I was working my ass off, my whole body is exhausted and I'm mentally drained Terry. You don't believe me? Here this is all the work I had to take home because I couldn't finish it at work. This is how I'll spend my weekend. This conversation is over Terry. " I pushed my work bag against his chest and ran upstairs straight into the bathroom.

Part two🖤

[vizthedatum]

I have come to realize that I simply cannot cohabitate with some people and that it's fine.

Of course it's fine.

But I do really well managing my own household even if I need help from time to time. Getting help from friends or services when you're disabled is nothing to be ashamed about.

Or even doing small tasks here and there because you don't have the energy to do the bigger ones.

My PMDD cloud has been lifting a lot more, and today… I've been so busy and productive even though I'm bleeding (but it is not that heavy! Maybe because of the T? Maybe because I did exercise today?).

I am still having a hard time eating… specifically solid food. Liquids have been fine (and this has happened before - smoothies, protein shakes, and stuff like that helps).

—

I'm doing a month’s worth of laundry right now and taking breaks. 🎉🎉🎉

I'm so glad I have more boundaries with my one friend.

I'm so glad that my therapist understands why I need my bathrooms and stuff to be so hygienic - and that I really don't even need to have a reason to not allow someone in my place if they can't respect that. (If my at-home bladder meds get approved, I will have to be even more careful).

And I am SO glad that I don't feel like a failure at cleaning/organizing like I did when I lived with my ex-spouse. They shamed me for a lot. No, I wasn't perfect… but the way they handled a lot of stuff made it almost impossible to collaborate with them.

And I know this is very egotistical of me… but I clean and sterilize better. I just do. (besides they always made me clean up the mouse excrement while we lived in a mouse infestation for over a year while becoming more and more hysterically covid-paranoid to the point of it affecting both of our mental health leading to horrible physical autoimmune effects on me, then screaming at me when I wanted to socialize instead of cleaning the house which was (as I said) hard to do because they couldn't handle the process in which I cleaned - then they made us switch to “all natural” cleaning products which don't even kill viruses and bacteria while we had fucking live rodents running around in the middle of a pandemic - fuck that asshole. And of that's not even covering all the other stuff).

—

I'm decluttering again right now, while doing laundry.

—

The cleaning stuff is always at the back of my mind because I'm auDHD with chronic health issues and VERY ambitious career goals/work. My stuff can get everywhere fast

I will ask or pay for help when I need it.

I WILL do it myself (which I prefer) when I can.

And I'm imposing this rule/boundary for myself: I would rather a partner/lover not help me or live with me unless they explicitly (in verbal and written fom) tell me that they can do it without resentment and without draining themselves. They're allowed to retract consent at any time (again verbally and written), but I need a lot of trust before I share responsibilities like that again with someone.

Someone should want to help me because they can and want to. (or if they're being paid or if it is a fair trade of some sort - I have cleaned my friends’ places before)

And if someone doesn't like the way I clean or live, then we don't have to live together.

—

I know I can do better with speaking up with what I need and also being very mindful/explicit when I'm helping other people (I have been reflecting on how I maybe did too much in a cleaning flow state the other day at a friend’s (I did clean to the point where it was safe for me healthwise - but then went further? But we did talk about it, and I think I know how to approach the situation better).

[roguemonsterfucker]

I'm just so tired of not feeling well.

I barely want to leave my desk because standing for too long makes my heart start feeling badly. I don't have the mental energy to watch any of the shows and movies I wanna see. I definitely don't have the physical energy to work on transforming my spare bedroom into a room dedicated to the cockatiels. I'm just so fucking tired.

And my appointment with a specialist isn't until October.

And we still don't know what this is.

We know some options and the options aren't good. One of the likely options has no cure and barely any treatment. So even once I get diagnosed, nothing may change. At least not without extreme action like major surgery to remove the damaged parts of my innards.

I'm just drained.

So yeah, if you see me being a bit snappy about stuff here, it's because I'm at my wits end. And it's easier to get upset about internet drama than think about the real life health issues I'm dealing with.

And yeah it's also why I'm spending far too much time playing theHunter, because that's a pretty mindless game I can just do. It's peaceful to walk around and gives me some good brain chemical hits when I get a trophy.

I just don't have the mental or physical energy for anything else these days.

[vorpalfae]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[yaminerua]

negative vent

the state of my life rn feels like a runaway train

man idk how people can just cook and clean up and not just completely feel like they’re turning to dust afterwards from exhaustion

idk how my family made breakfast lunch and dinner and navigated me not liking the main dinner as a kid and having to have something else bc just making one meal for three of us is enough to put me in the ground so the thought of having to do an additional meal alongside the first one makes my brain feel like it’s ripping itself apart with stress

I end up completely mentally and physically drained bc of all the different steps plus the anxiety of making sure I tidy up afterwards bc if I don’t do it immediately it won’t get done and it’ll build up

there’s got to be some neurodivergence making this extra hard but whether that’s just the good old fashioned depression or something else that makes it feel like torture trying to maintain just regular daily upkeep idk

my dad is trying desperately to make money in a self employed job that hasn’t fucking paid anything in years bc it relies on business deals he facilitates actually going ahead and reaching the payment stage which has literally never happened in the years he’s been trying to do it bc he lives in a fantasy land where he thinks he can make big money on big deals with people who do not give a fuck that we are struggling to hold onto our fucking house and who could fix our problems with one payment that wouldn’t even dent their mountains of money

so he is on the phone constantly and unable to find time to feed himself or my brother who sleeps until 6pm, won’t eat anything after midnight and is losing weight while already considered underweight despite me now spending nearly all day in the kitchen trying to get meals and snacks and shit for him to keep him from getting any more underweight

and I’m just buckling man

I have no time for myself to just sit and chill properly. Even when I try to get a drawing or something doodled out it’s done while I’m sitting in the kitchen waiting for my legs to stop throbbing so I can get back to cooking or washing up. I keep talking about wanting to get back to digital art and commissions once I have my hands on a laptop but the reality is even when I get that I might still just not have the actual time to do what I used to love doing

I haven’t been out of the house much since before the pandemic. I haven’t seen any friends since then either. My life has become a slog of wake up, spend the day in the kitchen in a constant frenzied anxiety cooking state, go to bed and be plagued by the Horrors making me just want to die and not have to wake up to more of the same and there’s no end to it

I’m still waiting for the dwp to give me the extra money I am eligible for and I’m dreading the winter after the struggle the last one was.

I’d have takeout more often if we could justifiably afford it. But my brother is particular about those too and only eats certain things so even if I had the money and energy I don’t have much I can work with. How do you fit a full day’s worth of meals into less than 5 hours when your options are further limited by what he’ll accept

I’m worried about him and his low energy. I’m worried about dad and his high stress. I’m worried about the house being taken if our money runs out. I feel guilty that I’m failing my brother and dad despite turning myself inside out to cook for them and tidy up after myself and make sure they get food even tho it’s clearly not enough.

and on top of that I’ve had a shitty wheezy chest for months presumably bc of the air quality in here bc of the dust and clutter that just has sat for ages bc who has the time to go through it and there’s fucking clothes moths hanging around spiders everywhere and I can move the clutter to clean around it enough

I’m absolutely clawing my way through each day and the only reason I don’t just give in to the exhaustion and spend the whole week in bed is the fact they both need me to do this

pre-covid my uncle used to spend more time here bc my granny was here so things were so much more balanced and maintained but after his mental health struggles in lockdown knocked him for six the state of the house stresses him out so much he can’t come near and it depresses him and as a result I haven’t seen him since last year at my granny’s birthday at the care home and before that it was sometime in 2020 the last I’d seen him

I’m on the brink of collapse and I’ve had a whole bunch of dizzy spells in the kitchen lately and yet I push on bc I can’t stop

I’ve become some kind of spindly pillar trying desperately to hold up a crumbling household and I’m splintering in the process under the pressure but what can I do? If I don’t do this it’ll only be much worse

fucking hell im so tired

[onlyonewoman]

In case anyone wonders, I’m alive and kicking. Haven’t posted any fics for two months, have barely read any and - once again - I’ve not answered comments because, well, I’m kinda drained. I have a physically heavy and during winter season really hard job and this late winter/early spring has been a horror show painted in mud, ice and wet fucking hay for 5,5 MONTHS. I’ve been injured, my boss has been injured, we’ve been ill in fucking turns, one of us bedridden just long enough for the other to work herself into to bed - rinse and repeat. This Friday, I was so exhausted - mentally! - that I just went to bed the moment I stepped inside my home after work. Didn’t shower, didn’t eat, just peeled my clothes off and crashed into bed. I want to write, I MISS writing so much, but I can’t find the time, the peace and the energy to sink into it right now. I just want to post this self-indulgent “please don’t forget me, I’m just too tired to function right now” yawning into this wonderful little nerd void that my corner of tumblr exists in. Because: Xue Yang did nothing wrong. Xiao Xingchen is a mean dom. Song Lan is the world’s most supportive ace partner. A-Qing deserves the world. Kitteh kisses <3

[devils-dares]

THIS IS NOT A HATE ANON DEVON I LOVE YOU

Anon get a life challenge. Literally people on the internet with takes like that are irrelevant.

Some of us have lives and things to do outside of working on fanfics WE put out for yall. If you fucking wanting something done asap DO IT YOURSELVES!!! telling someone to kts is literally so fucking childish, just cuz ur not getting what you want immediately.

Writing takes so much time and energy!!! @ anon YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW THIS PERSON

You don't know what the fuck they are doing outside of writing so stay in your fucking lane bro.

Devon, I hope you have a good rest of your day/night depite those absolute lugnut anons you are getting. In the end of the day, they clearly have nothing better to do, and are just garbage people who need to get over themselves. Keep going at your own pace and I hope you feel better.

thank you truly for typing this out. i don't think non-creators realize how much time, effort, and energy it takes to make something. being so blantantly for real under the cut/tw for mental and physical health, hospitals

thank you for supporting me, for being here, for reading my material, reblogging my works and leaving comments. i'll try my damndest to be here for all of you.

this past week has drained me more than anything ever has. i went from going to the college campus nurse to thinking i could die while getting fucking rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. i have been holding it fucking together at home by the seams, the literal seams. coming out of the hospital on wednesday, i was diagnosed with a rare form of complex migraine, added onto an already not widely known form of chronic dizziness, as well as possible endometriosis. i am at my fucking wit's end. i am in chronic pain. i can't fucking focus anymore. i'm crying every chance i get when i'm alone because i am overwhelmed with every single thing possible. i've been playing this game since i was 14 and i'm 19 now, and there's not going to be any improvement, and i have to come to terms with that.

for those who aren't medically dependent on someone, this might not make sense, but i need to get it off of my chest: i feel like a burden because my family is too fucking nice. they've been there every single goddamn step of the way and misstep i have hurts them too. i felt so bad laying alone in that hospital bed that when my parents burst through the doors i sobbed and apologized over and over again because i immediately knew i ruined everyone's days and weeks.

for me to come to my happy place where not really anyone knows that about me, just to be told to k word myself when i'm already fucking on the edge of it anyway is just so fucking draining. i have near nothing left to give. i'm trying my best.