#i don't mind how it's turning out but it's a process i don't rly have a Process for so it's a lot of trial and error

[ichorblossoms]

trying a different approach to this illust and i want to SHOW ppl but i CAN'T bc it's for a zine and i'm sitting here losing my mind both positively and negatively over this drawing and i can't shove it in ppl's faces. sighs dramatically and flops onto my side before sighing another dramatic sigh

[the-milk-monarch]

Ezekiel and Justin + S/O, who's good at reading body language = ??

☣︎ Sorry for the late answer, Ezekiel, Justin and reading body language isn't my strong side 💀 I dun rly know how to write Justin so hopefully I wrote what you wanted-

[𝚂/𝙾 𝚆𝙷𝙾'𝚂 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳 𝙰𝚃 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙱𝙾𝙳𝚈 𝙻𝙰𝙽𝙶𝚄𝙰𝙶𝙴]

Summary: Confessions.

☢︎ | Total Drama | ~1,7k words | gender-neutral reader ♡ | Ezekiel | Justin ⚠ | OOC??

[𝙴𝚣𝚎𝚔𝚒𝚎𝚕]

Even though Ezekiel wasn't the perfect boyfriend material, it didn't mean he couldn't get a crush on someone.

That someone was you.

He was still somewhat out of touch with the world around him, but he seemed to be even more- "off" with you.

He could be seen around you more often than not, in hopes that he wouldn't fuck up as usual.

Most of the time he didn't even know what went wrong, since this was how he was raised and at his house no one had a problem with such things?

I also headcanon him as autistic

So he just kinda hoped whatever he did around you didn't come off as insensitive or wrong to say.

"Hey- Y/N." He looked at you as he approached, making a hand gesture that would catch your attention. "You need any help, maybe?" He asked hesitantly but keeping it cool, as if he was scared of once again being yelled at for being inappropriate. So he elaborated. "I mean- Not that I think you're weak- Just- You know- I wanna be helpful." He shrugged, looking somewhere else before returning to your gaze briefly. You had some sympathy for the boy, knowing he's just really out of touch. You didn't sense any maliciousness coming his way, so you were usually pretty kind to him "I know, don't worry. You're fine." You said calmly. "Sure, I could use some help."

You noticed that Ezekiel was also bit more chatty with you than with others.

And, well, he watched his mouth a lot more too.

He usually had a pre-planned response to start off with talking to you.

He still tried to learn to not be as insensitive around other people, but it was really visible to you that he tried to be extra careful with you around.

That made you think a little- Why?

So one day you decided to get some answers.

Usually it was Ezekiel approaching you first, but this time you decided to turn it around. "Hey, Zeke?" You calmly and friendly tried to get his attention. "Huh?" He got thrown off of his thoughts as he heard his name being called. "Oh. Y/N- Hey. What is it?" He turned his focus on you, a bit curious. "I have a question for you, if you don't mind." You tried to be as casual as you could, not wanting to scare him off. You just wanted to have a friendly chat and perhaps confirm your thoughts about him. "Uhh... Okay. Just not anything hard, alright?" He looked at you now more curious but also slightly worried of what the question would be. You giggled slightly at his choice of words, which made him tilt his head a bit. "Well- It's not a math equation. I was just curious-" You start off gently. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've noticed you're a bit more careful around me than others." You don't sugarcoat, but you try to not sound as if you're mad or accusing him of something. "Uh..." He stopped for a second, thinking what to respond. You weren't supposed to give him a hard question! "...Is that wrong?" He tilted his head even more, a bit confused why would you ask about that. Did he do something wrong again? "Oh, no, no-" You quickly reassure him. "No, I actually kinda appreciate that-" "But I also didn't want you to- you know, stress out around me." You elaborate. He blinks once as he processes what you said. "...I mean- It's not that I'm afraid of you, ya kno-" He explains himself a little, although you can see a bit of anxiousness seeping in from his behavior. "But sometimes it seems that whatever I do is somehow wrong, so I don't want you to be mad at me or somethin'." He kicks dirt on the ground a little to release some stress as he keeps his hands in his pocket, still not showing that he's bothered, except avoiding eye contact. "I won't be mad at you for something that you say without bad intentions. I mean, hey, everyone makes mistakes, right?" You try to lighten up the situation and make some wiggle room for him so he doesn't feel as if he's being interviewed. "I guess so-" He looks at you briefly, now visibly less worried. His body language wasn't really telling, but your deduction skills told you that you were in the clear, without making him too uncomfortable. However, you decided to ask a bit more risky question after that. "So... Is there a reason why you feel the need to be more careful around me?" You tried to gently probe an answer from him. He stopped for a second, as if caught doing something bad. "Uhm..." He started getting a bit more uncomfy, now visibly looking away from you. You awaited calmly for his answer, trying to be as non threatening and open as possible. If you were to tell the truth, you kinda suspected Zeke might have caught a small crush on you. Of course you weren't 100% sure, and you really hoped that you read his subtle signs right. Otherwise this situation would turn awkward really quick. "Well- You're just the nicest to me, ya kno? ... I really don't want you to hate me." He spoke with a bit hesitant but honest tone as his gaze fell on the ground instead of your eyes. You smiled softly and sympathetically, seeing how much he valued your opinion about him. "You don't have to worry about that- I like you, you know." You said with conviction. He paused for a moment before nodding. His eyes that were covered by the brown hair looked at you for a moment, holding the short eye contact. "... How much?" He dared to ask. He just stood there, as if asking a normal question, but still awaiting some sort of possible bad reaction. He got you a bit dumbfounded, but since he answered all of your questions so nicely, you decided to return the favor. "Uh... I guess a decent amount-" You shrugged, showing a bit of coy smile.

"Like, just a friend, right??" He continued asking, piercing you with his gaze that needed answers. His tone didn't indicate any need or hope for your connection to be deeper, but his look was obvious. You stopped for a moment, before finally having to answer the hard question. "As a friend, for sure!" You started off. "But- if you wanna- dunno, get to know each other closer one day- I don't see an issue with this either." You finally said the words that could possibly take a big to your pride with rejection. He paused. Tilted his head. And then spoke. "Wait- You mean like- You wanna get to know me closer?" He asked, still not believing your original statement. "To be fair I never had a best friend..." He obviously assumed you meant it as that. He put on a thoughtful expression, thinking about it, which made you wanna expand on your words. "No, I mean- As partners. Dating." You elaborated, awaiting his reaction. His expression remained calm as he was processing what was said to him, until it finally clicked and his eyes went wide. "Oh." He only managed to say. "Okay- Wow, huh." His surprise was very much visible. "Yeah, that would be- That would be cool." His words were slightly flat per usual, but you could see both the shock and relief emitting from him.

Be patient with this boy, he still has some figuring out and learning to do.

If you're really determined to date him, be prepared to be the one to lead the hard situations (like the mentioned confession) by yourself, at least at first.

[𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗]

When Justin started to hang around you more, you knew something was up.

He's good at (and known for) using his good looks to get what he wants, whether it'd be simple adoration or help with the challenge.

It started with with him just trying to make a small talk.

You didn't mind, as long as he wasn't trying to use you so he could stay lazy.

"You know, you're not half-bad. I mean, nothing compares to my beauty of course, but..." He gave you a backhanded compliment. "Wow, that's big coming from you." You said half-sarcastically, but in a lighthearted way. "Oh, yeah, I know." He smirked handsomely while fixing his hair with one hand.

Unlike what you expected, he didn't really try to woo and use you.

He might have merely suggested it one time, but if you didn't budge then he stopped doing that.

Well, trying to use you that is, he was still kind of trying to woo you.

You noticed Justin was behaving a bit differently around you than with others contestants.

He was casually giving you "compliments", which was weird, because usually he was focused only on himself.

He thought he was clever by "slowly pulling you in" to like him, like other contestants.

He wouldn't have to disclose his attraction to you then, and instead you'd do it first.

But you didn't bite the bait.

You had a suspicion that he wanted you to do just that.

And you were curious if he was determined enough for your attention to come to you himself.

So finally, after some time, he got frustrated with his last failed attempt.

"Y/N-" He whined dramatically, with a given up tone. You turned his head towards the pathetic sound. "Are you really not affected by my beauty? Is this face not worth your attention?" He looked at you, combing his hair in a truly despaired manner. "... What do you mean?" You raised your brow in half amusement, already knowing what he refers, but you tried to remain neutral. "All this time I've been trying to get you to confess your true feelings for me, and you're still so stubborn..." You couldn't help but chuckle at his visible attempts to... confess to you? gaslight you so you'd do it?? "Well- Have you tried doing it first?" You turned the question on him. That shut him up for a second, after which he quickly regained himself into more graceful posture from his grand acting. You heard him sigh. "Well- If I have to." He cleared his throat and started. "Y/N, if you'd confess your attraction to me, I'd accept." You rolled your eyes at his attempt to keep his pride, but you gave him some brownie points for at least somewhat owning up to it. You copied his acting with clearing your throat and responded. "Well, Justin, if you'd do that, I'd be up for it."

He'd appreciate your keen senses of figuring people out on the competition btw.

[infinitelyweary]

Louis Unreliable Narrator Rant

It rly does piss me off bc some ppl with 100 percent sincerity refer to Louis as “a liar”. I keep scrolling past a fanfic on ao3 that called him “the duke of deception” or some shit

What does Louis ever lie about???

(besides armand/rashid but a. obvs that was an armand decision since armand is The Canonical Liar even though ppl don’t always act like it for some reason, and b. that doesn't concern Louis's veracity in telling the story of his past cuz armand/rashid is in the present)

Anything Louis gets “wrong” about his story are details he’s suppressed due to trauma/misremembered/or interpreted differently from others ("lestat") due to his state of mind. None of these things are lying. Unreliable narrator does not mean LIAR bc thats not how stories work. MEMORY IS A MONSTER is the tagline of his story. MEMORY IS A MONSTER - You FORGET, it doesn't. Not "MEMORY MAKES YOU LIE ABOUT THINGS" or "LYING IS A MONSTER" or "LOUIS LIES A LOT AND LOVES IT BC HE'S A MONSTER"!

~Louis' more prominent discrepancies:~

-Was it raining: He doesn't remember. Not a lie

-Claudia's reaction after Lestat's "death": Louis is demonstrably traumatized by the attempt to kill Lestat and has repressed some of the aftermath of that night due to that trauma. He literally doesn't remember Claudia's objections/choking her. When Daniel points out that she sounds upset with him in her diaries, those memories come flooding back - as we see in little jarring bits of flashback. Those jarring flashbacks are Louis REMEMBERING WHAT HAPPENED. If Louis was purposefully "lying" those flashbacks wouldn't resurface in that way: the show is (very effectively) presenting that information in the same way you would be confronted with a traumatic memory. Louis is visibly rattled by this and has to run and kneel in his traumagarden to process this bc HE LITERALLY HASNT PROCESSED IT BC HES BEEN REPRESSING IT FOR 80 YEARS Not a lie

-Could Claudia dream or not: She wrote in her diary that she couldn't and he believed her. Not a lie

Then the trial flashbacks

(For the sake of argument I’ll assume "Lestat’s" versions of events we see flashbacks of in the trial are more accurate depictions than Louis’ original descriptions bc that is essentially the way they are framed and Louis tells Daniel to use that version in the book)

ALTHOUGH IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE: THESE ARE ALSO A PART OF LOUIS’ DESCRIPTION OF EVENTS!!!! Lestat is not present at the interview, Louis is. Lestat is not turning to the camera and breaking the fourth wall to tell us his version; Louis says that as Lestat spoke he felt transported back to those events and was seeing them differently. That's why we see them in flashback. We cannot have a true flashback from Lestat's perspective in s1-2 bc Lestat is not here to tell his story (and it would break the entire structure of the show). Any flashback we see is Louis' recounting. In the case of the trial, Louis is literally recounting Lestat recounting a version of events that Louis is then recalling and processing with added context (this show is a mindfuck).

So even the more “”TRUE”” version ppl like to use as evidence of Louis’s “”lies”” is also coming from Louis!!!!! Louis is the one correcting his own account!!!

The show is built around Louis telling Daniel/the audience his story. Anything we see of the past storyline (New Orleans-Paris) comes from Louis's mouth or Claudia's diaries (and sometimes Armand). Lestat is not a part of any of this. People who frame Lestat is some truth-teller revealing the "REAL story" behind Louis's "lies" is forgetting that Lestat is not part of the interview. Any ""truth"" Lestat tells is coming from LOUIS.

Some quotes from 207 bc I don't have a disc drive on my macbook to screenshot my blu-ray lol

This is our transition into the first nola flashback

<Armand: Lestat stood on that stage, took all the familiar pieces of Louis's life, defiled them, bent them into a Lestat-shaped effigy.>

(Including this to show that even though Armand is co-narrating this part of the story, Armand was ready to discount everything Lestat said. He frames Lestat as taking 'familiar pieces of Louis's life' aka the events as Louis recalls them, and 'defiling and bending them' aka changing/misrepresenting them to make Lestat look better. Any representation of "Lestat's perspective" being valid/"true" is coming from Louis's mouth)

<Louis: But some...Some of it now...

Daniel: What?

Louis: I remember...being out of my body at the time. I was in Paris, but also in New Orleans. Lestat took me there.>

The flashback is Louis remembering things differently, not Lestat's own memory.

-Claudia's turning: Louis's and "Lestat's" account actually don't differ that much. Lestat has a few extra lines of dialogue and is more emotional, Louis tries to turn Claudia himself and begs more profusely, but the basic events are the same. Louis brings Claudia in as she is dying, begs Lestat to turn her and Lestat does it. Louis was near hysterical in this moment so he didn't recall it with complete accuracy. Not a lie!

<Lestat: But he was in a terrible panic. Guilt had seized reason. Claudia on the ledge of death.>

...

<Louis (at the trial, to Claudia and the audience, looking visibly confused): It's not how it happened.

Louis (in Dubai): It is how it happened. I didn't think it at the time. But...yeah.>

As Louis realizes he misremembered events, he corrects himself. We see him do this several times over the series. We also see him insist he wants to get "every detail right" and "wants to remember". Where are people seeing a lying liar who delights in lies???? The whole purpose of the interview is "truth and reconciliation"?????????

-Coffin room exchange: This is one of the most traumatic events in the series/Louis's life so I think it goes without saying that he wouldn't be able to recall it with complete accuracy BUT ALSO!! We see the domestic abuse in 105 recounted from Claudia's perspective. We go from Louis narrating Claudia's diary entry about realizing she was made to be Louis's sister, to her returning home and the ensuing violence as it was witnessed through her eyes. She can hear snippets of an argument but was not privy to what happened in the coffin room. The only part of this that is from Louis's recollection is when Lestat takes Louis into the sky, and we return to Claudia's perspective after Louis is dropped.

The coffin room exchange was omitted in Louis's original telling because it isn't in Claudia's diary entry. If you think about it in-universe, Louis is reading Claudia's diary to Daniel describing the violence breaking out - then they go into the coffin room, Claudia is slumped on the floor outside the room trying to catch her breath, and then Lestat bursts through the wall with Louis - when Claudia watches Louis taken into the sky, Louis would naturally feel the need to fill the gap of 'what happened' before he plummeted to the ground, bc Claudia is certainly wondering what happened in her diary entry. It wouldn't necessarily make sense for Louis to interject over Claudia's entry (describing her feelings at hearing them through the wall, being convinced the violence was over and attempting to recover and then her fear at seeing violence break out again) to say "hey also me and Lestat exchanged words in the coffin room", there just isn't a natural narrative gap there like there would be for Louis/Lestat vanishing into the sky.

But I think more likely Louis doesn't remember the coffin room exchange BECAUSE we see a flashback of it in 207 and as I've established, these flashbacks are Louis remembering things. They are not a direct line to Lestat's memories, because Lestat is not in the interview to recount his own memories, and even a memory he recounts during the trial is being recalled by Louis in the Dubai present. Outside of Claudia's diaries, we only ever have access to Louis's memories of things (barring 205). There is a clear slant towards Lestat's POV in the coffin room memory, so I think it's safe to assume it's Louis recalling the memory as Lestat presents it during the trial. Part of why I think this is the basic framing, but also there are a couple lines of dialogue from Claudia's POV in 105 that we don't hear in 207 specifically when she is sitting outside the coffin room:

this part we hear in both POVs

<Louis: It's okay. We're done. It's over. Stay where you are, okay?>

this part we only hear in Claudia's POV

<Louis: We had it out*. We just...[coughing] need a moment here. [coughs] Just...[gasps]>

The second dialogue time-wise lines up with a moment in Lestat's 207 POV when Lestat is panting on the ground and sitting up for a few seconds and all we hear is silence before he says "You're gonna leave me." The show could have had Louis's second dialogue here muffled or in the background or something but it omits Louis's words entirely to show that this is Louis's recollection of Lestat's remembered version of events, and is not entirely "accurate" either. Why would Lestat focus on/acknowledge Louis comforting Claudia in this moment, when he is thinking about Louis leaving him? He wasn't thinking about that, and his POV reflects that. I don't think the show forgot these extra lines or something, cuz they have the script and easily could have inserted them in the space where Lestat is silent but they did not. A deliberate choice to show Lestat's account is not the omnipotent "truthful" account, but is just one perspective.

(We also know that the coffin room exchange was included in the trial script to make Louis less sympathetic to the audience, because when Lestat says "I am burdened with my maker's temper" Santiago corrects him back on course by saying "Uh, no. You were teased until you toppled." The coven wanted this exchange in the trial script to frame Lestat's drop as an escalation brought on by Louis aka to victim-blame him and make Lestat look less culpable. So even if this is "truth" it is being presented with bias)

Also it is interesting that we get no reaction shots/commentary from Dubai Louis during this entire part. We see Paris Louis once before the "You're gonna leave me" starts and he's shaking and looking confused as Lestat speaks, but there is no assertion on Louis's part of "this is how it happened" or not the way he did with Claudia's turning. We don't even get a shot of Dubai Louis again until after Lestat goes off script to take accountability for the violence.

It actually looks like Armand was the one narrating this entire part to Daniel (Lestat's account of the violence-the coffin room exchange-the apology) because the next time we cut back to Dubai, when Armand tells Daniel that the projections went off-sync, Daniel is already sitting facing Armand and Louis is sitting silently with his hands in front of his mouth. It looks like Dubai Louis hasn't spoken at all since he told Daniel to go with Lestat's version of Claudia's turning. He doesn't speak again until Daniel asks him what he thought of Lestat's apology.

I'm not totally sure what to make of Louis's silence here...because I don't think Lestat fabricated the coffin room exchange. I think because this comes on the heels of "You should go with Lestat's version" of the other flashback we see, this is another instance of Louis going oh, okay I guess it happened like that, you can put that in the book too. But it is a more significant departure from what we were previously shown than Claudia's turning, so idk why they don't have Louis comment on it at all. Either way, Louis doesn't object to what Lestat is saying, which is at least a passive acknowledgement of the events as he presents them as reflected upon by Louis after the fact so NOT A LIE!

Anyway Louis has basically never lied in his entire life so I'm gonna need ppl to stop calling him a liar :)))) it would also completely undercut the main fucking theme of the first two seasons for Louis to be characterized as a ~~~~liar~~~ vs. a person who is being Monstered by Memories so if you call Louis a liar you are calling Rolin Jones a liar and I'm gonna tattle on you to Sir Jones so he won't let you watch the show anymore <3

*netflix subtitles this as "we had enough" but that doesn't sound like what he's saying to me and the netflix subs match the AMC subs which are notoriously inaccurate so!

[batsplat]

what press conference is that and what lies is Valentino telling 😭😭😭

I’m always obsessed w the Case - J Lo - Vale pressers bc I feel like Jorge actively dissociates anytime he’s not asked a question (bc he’s already internally mapping out his answers to the next 20 possible questions he could be asked), Casey simmers n stews n hates every second of being there, and Vale is just always having the time of his life

(side note but rly underrated skill of his!! to be able to pretend you actually enjoy the press element!! maybe he’s not pretending, maybe he really is just able to turn it On that often & that easily…but idk I’ve been a longtime f1 fan too & the way Vale is able to make press conferences ~fun, or at least project that he’s having fun during them, is incredibly rare)

((i recognize “underrated” is probably not the right term generally speaking for the guy who is widely recognized as like the greatest showman the sport’s ever had lol. just that i personally underrate it & then am always pleasantly surprised when i watch almost any press conference of his))

(text posts here) this is from aragon 2011, a point in their relationship where quite honestly casey didn't need much of an excuse to give valentino the stink eye

there's not anything in the presser you'd actively expect casey to want to kill valentino with his mind over (beyond valentino's terminal affinity for yapping at anyone in his vicinity in these things). maybe valentino commenting on how fast casey and ducati had been at aragon the last year somehow attracted casey's ire? maybe valentino reiterating he was going to race in japan (a major talking point throughout that year - valentino and jorge had initially been united in launching a bit of a riders' revolt on that issue, including meeting at jorge's motorhome at a time when relations between them were otherwise... uh, frosty; eventually it had been casey and jorge who were the final holdouts, with casey still not willing to 100% commit at aragon)... generally though, I reckon this is mostly just how casey looked at valentino those days

though that reminds me, there's one specific question where, if I were valentino, honestly I'd be tempted to off myself - but somehow it's casey who manages to look quite awkward while valentino just laughs

Q: Different question for you, Casey - any advice for Valentino this weekend? This is where you turned your season around last year. ... Ride faster? CS: Do something drastic, I don't know... (mumbles) [Same for me?]

absolute all timer dynamic idk, look at casey's little nervous tics while valentino is grinning at him

so self-conscious god bless

anyway, here's the presser photo

expression gets gradually more enthusiastic as you move to the right. not reflective of current competitive situation

and yeah I find their different styles of engagement v interesting!! jorge's also gone on a bit of an arc with this over the years... you've got these very early clips where he still needs a translator in the presser (not at all uncommon, dovi for instance was the same) and he's just deeply awkward but also quite enthusiastic, then you get to his first premier class years where... y'know, he's clearly not a natural at this, but he WANTS to be, he WANTS to engage with the process and be charming and all the rest of it... and then by 2011 he's kind of given up. 2010 was great for his career but less great for his popularity, and it's really when you can feel the disillusionment creeping in. he never quite loses that part of himself, still obviously wants to win hearts and minds... but yeah. he's never been particularly up for listening to his peers in these things, but by this point in time he did clearly want to fast forward through these things. default state is zoning out

casey might be a well-known sceptic of any kind of engagement with the public - but he's actually a self-professed people watcher, he likes sitting around quietly observing people. one of my fave lil autobiography nuggets:

I like to think I can read people very well, especially people I get to study a lot, and when I come in during a session to make changes to the bike that is exactly what I am doing. The mechanics might think that because I have got my visor down I'm just sitting there doing nothing but I'm observing everything and I could see they weren't coping well with the pressure of having the big bosses watching over them.

'my mechanics think I'm doing nothing but actually I'm sitting with my visor down secretly observing them' is such a. a deeply funny line, deeply casey line. not sure I'm convinced the mechanics would prefer to know that this is what casey was doing, but there we are. in any case, obviously casey doesn't SAY this but I don't think it's a massive leap to suggest he was doing the same thing in pressers. ofc I enjoy using these photos in text posts because they kinda tell their own story, but I should note that to some extent this is just casey's resting face. like,, if I'm sufficiently motivated obviously I can also make a 'casey doesn't fw dani' version

now admittedly, there are way fewer photos of casey staring at dani and jorge (or indeed anyone else) than there are of him staring at valentino... arguably even in the years where valentino is very much no longer casey's main on-track rival. but like, there's also relatively less photos of casey making heart eyes at those other two guys. whether this genuinely reflects how much staring casey was doing or is just the result of photographer bias (no criticism, I too would be documenting every look casey sends valentino's way) or a combination of the two... who knows. but I DO think that casey was very much committed to studying valentino, including by doing this little staring act in pressers. slightly clashes with his whole 'oh I don't care about my rivals' schtick, but, well, casey's no stranger to a bit of an internal contradiction. so he's quietly studying and quietly judging and quietly seething... LEARNING from the enemy by documenting every last detail of his side profile. or something

and yeah lol massive props to valentino not getting tired of this week in week out. admittedly in pressers specifically he does also frequently entertain himself by choosing the nearest convenient victim to yap at, which both jorge and casey very obviously found an annoying habit at times. (shout out to misano 2016 where jorge and valentino started bickering in the presser and jorge afterwards went HE NEVER SHUTS UP IN THESE THINGS, which, like, wasn't particularly relevant in that specific situation and clearly had just been something he'd been sitting on for years.) both jorge and casey have also actively turned to valentino on at least one occasion in a presser to indicate that they would like him to shut the fuck up - and both times valentino has complied, so theoretically at least they could have put a stop to this. so, y'know, it probably doesn't hurt if you're the type of guy willing to make your own fun in these pressers, even when it comes at the active cost of the sanity of the people around you. beyond that though, yup. I mean it's probably a good attitude to have if that's literally your whole life. I think it's always done valentino a lot of good that he's fundamentally a curious type of bloke who is curious about other people. journalists DO piss him off a lot of the time, but in theory it's a process he likes engaging with because he likes talking and he likes listening. honestly did miracles for the vibes of these things, like the f1 thing is a good point because I sometimes watch motogp pressers these days and go. man. this place could do with a yapper

[ca-suffit]

First off - I really appreciate what you do here, I'm new to fandom spaces and the things you post about have crystalized what bothered me in this fandom, which has made the experience of sifting through it much easier, knowing why some people's takes make me wildly uncomfortable and why I wasn't convinced by the big blogs big loud voices yelling at me what to think and how. There's an objectivity to your words that takes me out of the shipping war, book nostalgia, societal issue-blind mindset a lot of loud people here flaunt like some intellectual commentary, when it's not.

That aside, I know you mostly comment on fandom racism, but I've been confused for some time with how this fandom deals with transgender AUs. I know that a while back there was a lot of heated discourse and some big blogs saying that Louis shouldn't be feminized, dismissing critique of patriarchy which the show makes so clear, and misinterpreting Lestat's place in the familial structure etc. Now, I'm not talking about that, I wholeheartedly agree with Louis being a feminine (and maternal) figure in regards to gender roles, and with his general demeanor, as well. Though he is more subdued in that sense and gets misinterpreted, due to people used to something more outright like Lestat's flamboyancy.

And I know a lot of fic was written at first to spite the people who were uncomfortable with the notion of a clearly feminized Louis, which brought out MPreg, A/B/O, breeding kink, crossdressing, GNC, and even trans (FTM or MTF) iterations. I've read some great work involving most of those (though I've never wanted to check out any applying to Lestat, since most of them seem ridiculous) which was careful, mindful and made sure to respectfully use real life sensitive tropes, such as transness.

But I've also seen really crude, insensitive, and outright unconvincing characterization of an FTM Louis. Empowerment through writing is great, and I know transmasc writers can vent through the process, but some work has had such blatant fetishization of trans men, and it gets lumped in with praise along other, more serious and deserving fics. Not every FTM Louis is empowering, and I just can't get behind people writing a trans man that's turned on by being called a wife, having his genitalia spoken about in an outright feminized and crude way, AND ENJOYING THE THOUGHT OF GETTING PREGNANT.

Now, I know that various people's dysphoria allows for different things, but the amount of trans men that actually have a single positive thought about pregnancy, their female genitalia being spoken about, or having womanly roles forced upon them in relationships, is so low that writing about it without consideration becomes quite offensive. If you want a mindless smut one-shot of a pregnant or willing to be Louis, go for him as a cis gay man with a breeding kink, for A/B/O, bogus science, or honestly, fucking anything besides him being an FTM.

And I say this especially because I know it's not just trans men reading those crude and smutty iterations, it's also, and mostly, people who have hurt me and many other transmasc individuals with their disgusting chaser behaviour. Talking about it brings up many hurtful memories and I won't go farther for risk of becoming too subjective and affected, but I think trans AUs really shouldn't be treated with as much ease as they are.

first, thank u for the compliments!! I don't rly hear nice things here so it's appreciated when anyone takes time to give feedback and let me know this is doing something.

second, trans stuff is still under the racial umbrella as there's a lot of trans people of color here who get ignored in favor of white fandom bullshit all the time.

idk all the ins and outs of this but my main question reading this was.....are the fics being written by trans ppl or no? Cuz it's one thing if it's trans ppl expressing a spectrum of an identity and another if it's a non trans person using an identity to meet some kind of plot end and not considering the real implications of that. It sounds like it's the latter but I got a little confused.

[meekmedea]

not rly a tbosas ask but im so impressed by how you've managed to complete all ur fics. if u don't mind answering, what's ur process like when writing and making sure u don't end up with an incomplete work?

Ah don't worry about it - the ask box is open to anything haha

My writing process varies a little on the type of story. But if I had to choose one word - err... probably outlines.

For shorter fics, I generally already have a outline of how I want things to go. So for those, it's just a matter of translating it into chapters.

For longer ones - it's kind of a similar process. I really like having an outline of major plot points before I start writing the chapter into existence. Sometimes I already know the fic ending before I start. Other times, the outline covers at least a few chapters worth of material. Having that buffer helps give me time to decide how to continue. Even if I don't always stick to it.

(some of my fics were originally happy and turned out opposite and vice versa lol)

Breaks + other side projects - otherwise, it's easy to lose motivation to continue if I stare at the same plot line for too long. So for me, it's easier to switch between fic ideas and come back when I feel motivated to write more.

Sometimes my fics are already semi-finished when I start posting them. Maybe there's only a handful of chapters left. For those, whatever isn't finished already has a general idea of how those will go.

[fu-yuuki]

Part 2 of KanaMafu!! To be honest I didn't rly wanted to continue this fic because of the tiny coincidence of the part 1 of the fic and the most recent Nightcord at 2500 Saying Goodbye to My Masked Self but I still finished it :> Soo,, i hope you'll enjoy this fic!! 💖

~~~~~~

KANAMAFU Part 2

"Just why... Why do you want to to this to me..." Mafuyu questioned. She had her lifeless eyes staring into her mother's eyes.

"Mafuyu, it is for your own good. You will then not spend precious time with those 'good for nothing' friends. Don't you want to become a doctor in the future? You will have to remove these distractions from your life, " Mafuyu's mom retorted, leaving no more suitable arguments for Mafuyu to add on.

"G-go away...."

"What did you say?"

"I SAID- GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!" Mafuyu gasped as she grabbed tightly on her chest.

************

Mafuyu eyes flew open suddenly, gasping for air.

"M- Mafuyu? Are you okay?" Kanade's soft hands brushed across Mafuyu's cheek.

"I think so.." Mafuyu's voice trailed away as she tried to avoid Kande's eye contact.

She knew very well Kanade was worried about her well being especially realising that whatever Kaito said in Sekai is true. Her mind was filled with questions. "Can you really accept that?" Kaito's words still echoed in her head. "She's trying to kill your own emotions. Is there any point for sympathy?"

A warm hand pulled her into an embrace, her thoughts all vanished into this air. All she could focus on was the first warm embrace that she had from what she remembered. Her face buried in the crook of Kanade's neck.

"Did you cook something? I smell pancakes," Mafuyu asked, her voice muffled.

"I thought I could surprise you by cooking pancakes for breakfast, you looked like you didn't ate dinner last night," Kanade could feel her heart racing, her face turning redder by the second as she realised how close Mafuyu was.

"Mochizuki-san also taught me some recipes last week.. I thought I'd cook breakfast for us.." Kanade tried to calm her heart down as she tried to move to make herself comfortable.

This...feeling... it feels so warm.. Mafuyu gripped onto Kanade's slim waist subconsciously and held her chin up.

"M-Mafuyu....?" She looked up with a confused face as she watched Mafuyu inched closer to her face placing her lips on Kanade's pale lips.

"Kanade, lets eat first," Mafuyu broke off the kiss, her hands over her lips unable to process everything that just happened.

She was still in daze as Mafuyu led her out of her room noticing how much effort Kanade placed just to make breakfast for the both of them. Especially how she was not an early bird. Mafuyu walked towards one of the chair next to the dining table and sat on it, pulling her's waist making her sit on her lap.

"How long?" Mafuyu questioned while taking a bite of the meal prepared by Kanade

"H..how long what...?" Kanade questioned back, enjoying the warmth from Mafuyu's body.

"How long have you liked me?" Mafuyu turned her head to face Kanade, her hands that were once holding the cutlery is now around her thin waist.

"Your smile... During that time where we released Kanadetomosusora your smile was the prettiest I seen... I didn't want you to lose your hope on finding your feelings back that time so that was my goal but, after you smiled, that was my goal... to make sure that you can smile brightly feeling happy," Kanade looked straight into Mafuyu's eye, serious but with a light hint of pink on her cheeks.

"Thank you.. For being by my side all these times.." Mafuyu's heart felt warm, comforted, away from everything but music and the one dearest to her, Kanade. Her Kanade. Her music. Will always be close to her heart never far away from her again.

~~~~~~

UWAA IM FINISHED WITH THIS FIC!!! I can't believe I managed to finish this, knowing that I took very long to complete part 2 of this fic  😅 . I apologise for not beta reading but ill make sure that ill re-read it soon!!

ps: i might open a request if you all are interested :>

[faaun]

Im someone who used to identify as bi but I had only dated cishet men, and when I came out as nonbinary, i realized those relationships were not for me and I in turn had my lesbian/sapphic only crisis. Now a few years have gone by and im having a real moment being like… bi men are so hot to me. And you said you identified as a lesbian for so long before reconsidering. How did you figure it out? I always worry its just gender envy or aesthetic attraction. There’s no opportunity in my life right now to find someone to help me figure it out (considering I’m also demisexual), and plus I wouldn’t want to accidentally lead someone on if it turned out I wasn’t attracted to them like that. Thank you so much for being open about your experiences! It is really nice to hear other people going through similar things

hi anon ! for me personally, i started hanging out around men more since i started university (previously went to all girls schools), during which i was briefly attracted to some of them, esp bc they also happened to be lovely people so the way they behaved didn't put me off. i also talked to some bi people and lesbians and learned that truly, if you are functionally a lesbian but were (for example) attracted to a guy once last year but don't rly want to be w one, there is no real clear answer for your sexuality that anyone can give you and similarly, no one (bar lesphobic/biphobic people) will judge you for whatever label you land on. similarly, you don't have to choose a label at all! you don't have to figure it out at all, ever! just keep yourself open to things, if you find that you are attracted to a guy that's great, if you find yourself never attracted to a guy again that's also great! if you change your mind ten more times, that's also fine :) it might sound unsatisfying but over the long term, it's a lot better than trying to decide on A Label, Immediately when u rly don't know, which can be a pointless endeavour :) there are better things in life to focus on!

unfortunately the usual advice i would give for "fast tracking" the process would be basically going on dates w (but not necessarily dating) guys, but since you are demisexual i'm not sure this would apply. you did mention that you find bi guys hot, so perhaps that is a sign? i don't have much experience w gender envy and to me, if i find someone attractive aesthetically that just means i find them attractive in general, so i think i'm not super qualified to give advice on those points. however, if anyone reads this and has any input, pls feel free to share !

[cheswirls]

oh the woes of having multiple hobbies....

i think it being artfight month is making me sink back into the 'i shouldn't want to do anythin but draw until this is done' mood i usually have during the semester which is.. ick, kinda

the other day i had the urge to write (unmedicated too!! that doesn't happen very often anymore!) and i should've jus acted upon that but i ended up guilttripping myself w the whole 'you should do art instead its only 30 days its only once a year' which is already so suffocating. i ended up doing neither actually in part bc i psyched myself out abt making a choice so in the nd i made no choice (typical when unmedicated so this is the okay-ish norm tbh) and think i tired myself out enough to go to sleep. i woke up to an art file on my laptop so i intented to start smth i guess

also i think checking out an ipad from campus during the semester is so much easier to draw on vs the hassle that is drawing on my display tablet these days. i miss my wacom if only bc it was wireless and thin and easy to power on and get going. with this new tablet i have to plug in 3 diff cords and its bulkier nd i gotta scoot my laptop on my desk to still be in reach bc the tablet has no touch function and it takes A LOT of power and effort out of my laptop thats 12 yrs old now. it makes drawing digitally that much more of a chore tbh and is partially the reason i've doodled so much traditionally in the past year and kept all my digital art for uni work only

which another point. is uh. idk i think i'm rambling now but. last year i got super excited for artfight and drafted a bunch of stuff digitally and was sitting at the coffee table in the main room of my apt for the first time in so long and it was going well until i got rly into tetherverse again n started working on the sequel like mad and that stole away a lot of my drawing motivation. i had two handfuls of of artfight attacks sketched and only ever finished a SINGLE one last year which was terribly disappointing. and then i think realizing that at the end of the month absolutely killed my desire to work on the writing project i'd grown so passionate about too. vicious cycle all around rly.

i dont want it to be llike that this year but once again now that artfight is here even tho its a fun thing i've made it a "requirement" in my mind which kills all my passion to work on it. i think the term is... obligation? when something turns from doing it for fun into an obligation i Have to complete then i lose allllllll motivation and desire to do it. it's THEEE reason i'm always telling my dad i could never write books for a living, bc writing is a hobby first nd foremost and although i enjoy it a lot i know as soon as i become tied down to a project and i Have To complete it or face consequences then it will suck all the fun out of it

this is the same way for school and part of the reason uni's been so hard since.... ever, really, and it's jus taken me long to realise it. i get really into an art project at the start and then as deadlines and check-ins and such creep up i become less and less engaged. i have no trouble completing things in one sitting if given the time to do so if i'm 100% invested and engaged. during spring break 2022 i stayed up for almost three nights and two days and did nothing but research and write almost 25k for a fic opener. if i had work or anything else those days i literally cannot recall. the only thing i remember doing is taking a break to walk 15min to go and pay rent and that's when it rly set in how much caffeine i'd had and how long i'd been up writing.

all of that to say that if i'm into something i can waste away working until it's done. i've said this before bit making a wip folder for art Killed™ my art creating process. i used to have one file open and work on it until it was done, and if that took me more than one full day then i'd sleep on it and finish it the very next day. i don't rmember that happening very often. now i leave things unfinished all the time and its terrible. i also have a Lot Less free time to be fair but also. also. i cannot multitask so as soon as i save a wip and move on to the next it fucking bites the dust. i've gotten into the habit of leaving smth unfinished in another window on csp in hopes that i'll jump bck to it but i stopped that after a while bc i jus collect windows like i collect internet browser tabs.

i also think to go along w the time thing.. i have to mentally acknowledge that i have sufficient time to devote to smth. i'm not the type of person that can do smth for 15 min then jump up and do smth else. if i could write 100 words a day for a fic every day then i'd have far, far less wips than i do now. its harder especially to do this for fic bc a lot of what i do is longer work and sometimes i have to sink into it. if i'm writing for a 50k+ fic i haven't touched for even a month then i need time to go over what i have and what my plans are. it's much harder to work on a longer fic after a bit has passed than it is to pick up a shorter one bc it requires less time to dive back into the world. especially if its been like 6mo-1yr, before i even start writing again i gotta reread everything i've written up to that point. that takes more than a day, and i might get tired and move on to smth else before i've even finished rereading which is so exhausting. it's exhausting to work on so many diff things at once.

with art that means i gotta have time to fight w my display tablet and get everything settled. it takes so much work and effort that if i only have a couple hours, i feel like even that's not enough bc i know i'll have to stop before i'm done. if it takes me 90 minutes to get into drawing and i gotta be ready to leave in another 30 then like whats???? the point rly???? that's how i think tho!!!! it sucks !!!!! if i'm up at 8am but ik i have smth to do at 5p then my whole day revolves around that thing happening in 9 hrs. when it hits 12p i theoretically have enough time to do smth but executive dysfunction makes it hard to pick a singular task to prioritize, and when its 3hrs away from w/e i have to do suddenly nothing is worth it anymore. i'm very much a 'sink into it' creative person which means i cannot jus dive in and work on smth. i gotta have music, i gotta have some focus, i gotta be comfortable, i gotta have my mood set to w/e i'm doing, i gotta know what direction i'm going in,a nd i gotta have energy and enthusiasm to do said creative task. all of that aligning w/ inattentive adhd is so hard and makes life so miserable, but this is compounded even moreeeeeee by not being able to work unless i make my mind feel like i have ample time to do so. mainly bc if i get rly into smth then have to stop for an obligation that i'd rather do less (mainly work! rather would do anything but work but alas) than what i'm doing currently then it drains all my energy very rapidly and i get so disappointed. w/e i'm doing after, whether it be work or class or w/e, is with an air of such disdain bc it interrupted the 'special thing i was doing' that it makes life hell in all honesty. i want to put myself thru that the least amount of times possible which is why i never start anything i know i'll have to put down w/o being able to finish. let me rephrase that. being able to finish as i'd like it. working on a super long fic but writing enough for a chapter or running out of steam on my own and finishing a scene and then being dragged away to smth else is fine, bc i've "finished" on my end even if not in full. it's being interrupted in the middle of the process when i'm not ready to quit, basically. that kind of "finished" is what i mean. if i have 2 hrs and it takes me an hr to find references and i'm not exhausted after that then another 20m to sketch smth decent and only with like half an hr or so left am i into what i'm doing then what's the point?? especially when, as established, i can push a drawing into the wip folder and forget abt it if i'm no longer "into it" when i'm back and have time to draw again.

long rambling i'm tired of but basically it's the season of drawing obligations again and i wanna try this year to have fun and do what i want but ALSo not feel guilty abt doing smth that is not drawing for other ppl, which i already do so much of year round anyway (i love it, this is not a complaint). i wanna be able to write and play pkmn and read and do whatever and not feel like i Have to be artfighting every second of the day.

[calvatier]

Ki'thka (pronounced more like Keethicka) lil drow guy who almost got turned into a drider but the process was halted and now hes like....a quarter drider??

He's a lil cleric,,,if you don't mind his exoskeleton spidery feeling hands then he'd fix you up perfectly 🥺

DW he's just as scared about his body as you are 🥲it's a constant reminder of his past and what may come to him if he doesn't do something abt it

I honestly love drawing his poses,, the way he fidgets with his hands/arms out of insecurity is so real to me 😔 his posture and how he wishes to keep himself out of attention is so fun to draw, I always drew more bold characters so it's nice to have one that's more 'hidden'

His hands are out constantly because he needs to make skin to skin contact in order to heal, so he can't rly hide his affliction even if he wanted to

[hotdadlicense]

Gif asks 💜 2,4, 5, 9, 16, 27, 32, 34, 41, 47, 49 (i, too, am nosey <3)

hello laura i Love you.

2. what is your least favourite set you’ve made?

well. there is various answers to this one. but overall it's pretty much just most of my early stuff like on my old @ianchaloner blog becos i was a photoshop Baby that did NOT have a clue what they were doing. but like even some of my earlier billy sets and daryl sets are like...........girl that colourings Messy. this billy sets in my activity every now and again and every time i'm like. i need to fix you so bad.

4. a set that flopped but deserved better?

never really got why part 2 of this set got like 500notes but part 1 only got like 50notes?

5. what is your favourite movie/TV show to gif?

i rly liked giffing julie and the phantoms cos the lighting on that show was incredible so the colouring was like. i'm not gonna say easy but also it wasn't a constant battle to get rid of yellows or blues or greens y'know? like if i was writing a report card i'd be like. julie and the phantoms, you were a joy to colour in class <3. tragically netflix axed it after one season so guess i'm never getting that joy again.

9. what/who inspired you to start making gifs?

i don't think it was any one person, i think - like you - i was in a lesser known small fandom and there wasn't a heap of content so i was like. guess i'll try figure this shit out. thanku to all my nick friends for indulging me when my attempts weren't actually that good ily 🥺

16. how long have you been making gifs?

since 2012/2013 i think? wow 10+ years omg

27. have you ever made a set, decided you hated it and deleted it? what was it?

omg probably although i can't remember off the top of my head? i know i've posted a few only to spot the spelling mistake the second i've hit post and had to quickly delete and fix lmao

32. what is your favourite tool/adjustment layer in photoshop?

selective colour, my beloved. blacks and neutrals, my deeper beloved. also i love curves, she's my best friend.

34. a set that took you a long time/was really hard but you’re really proud of how it came out?

this lyric set was my first attempt at the glitch transition and it kicked my ass a bit but i do like how it turned out! also this set was my first attempt at getting the lines around the words(?) effect but the original tutorial i had up was like......not great. so it took hours of trying and retrying and it still wouldn't work so i eventually searched for a new tutorial after like hour 5 and it suddenly worked within line 20 minutes 🙃 ALSO this set from the walking dead took so much configuring to get all the scenes onto one set etc like every afternoon after work i'd get back into it trying to get it all in and i eventually got something that i was okay with posting? it was like the fourth attempt after scrapping the first three attempts and i think all up i made like over 60 gifs 🙃🙃🙃

41. what is your least favourite part about your gif making process?

before u came along and changed my life with avidemux, it was the way that every time i imported video frames to layers, there would ALWAYS be duplicates, so every time i had to go through every frame and layer manually and delete all the double ups, otherwise the gifs would be laggy. but then you DID introduce me to avidemux and now i don't have that problem. i owe u my life and my sanity. now i think the most annoying part is clipping up the parts for the gifs? like i have a billy set in mind for billy week but it requires multiple gifs, and i have started clipping up most scenes and saving them, but i've only really got season two, and the scenes i need are season three. and i'm definitely procrastinating by replying to this instead of doing that cos its like. i just hate clipping up vids and waiting for them to save.

47. any advice for novice gif makers/people who want to start making gifs?

literally just read and try various tutorials and see what feels best! my way of giffing is literally just a mix-matched version of like 10 different tutorials that i've read over the years and sometimes i'm like well obviously i'm doing this wrong since i don't do it the exact way This Tumblr User said to but every time i try and change it always looks worse? also it's not a job and the second it goes from being fun to feeling like a chore??? take a break!!!!!!! literally at the end of the day it's not that important!!! also make sure ur making it for urself and maybe a select few friends!!! cos tumblr interaction these days is very low so like, if ur not making it cos for yourself specifically? u will probably get really discouraged really quickly. literally every set i make these days is just so i can cry in the tags instead of crying in the tags of someone else's post dkljfak

49. how much would you say you’ve improved since you first started giffing?

feel like i've got a much better grasp on colouring also feeling slightly more confident with blending! not a pro by any means but i do put effort in!!!

[a-stone-in-flight]

WOW @orangeswithsquirrelfaces your mind is something else! it was so much fun to read your more than slightly wacky and wise thoughts (and Tumblr sucks for deleting the initial version, but the quality of your writing is very impressive).

here's my response to your response to my response to your response to my response to your respinse to my post (lol for sure):

oh my godd baptizing frittatas with wild geese?? reverse cremation?? of an alligator?? and then an ex-con raccoon??? now that would be the best party ever. my only question is whether the firework permit rumor was true (and I love the idea of someone throwing such a wild and bizarre party but still making sure to ask for permission for fireworks)

also, your puns are objectively wonderful and I cannot be convinced otherwise :)

as for everything being a lamp: not sure if i agree but I am definitely quoting you on that.

that alarm clock (if it can even be called that) is uh definitely mildly excessive. and migraines are definitely the worst enemy

morse code is cool and at one point i memorized the whole alphabet (and punctuation) but it slipped out of my head like a party guest who heard there wouldn't be any frittatas. however i am evilly jotting down your one true weakness and will evilly use it against you in a very evil way mwahahaha

i also agree abt symbolism making everything better. well, to an extent. imagine if EVERYTHING was symbolic - what if we're all trapped in a story what if the computer I'm writing this on represents the slow corruption and destabilization of humanity and our growing dependence on technology and it dying on me will foreshadow our INEVITABLE DOOM or what if the sweater I'm wearing is symbolic of uhh familial love and if I take it off it'll be a betrayal of that or uhh if the tree outside my window is a symbolic manifestation of the increasingly fragile influence of nature in suburbia, reaching up enough to touch glass but not breaking through to us WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN

mightve gotten a bit carried away there but yeah symbolism >>

and same everything tends to get existential with me too sooner or later and i definitely dont mind it. what would life be without reflecting on it? how could we live well without pondering how to live? idrk but i think existentialism is an inherent and necessary part of existence.

and holy wow thank you for your sharing your thoughts on change and creativity. that's a rly beautiful way to see it. your writing is so poetic and thoughtful and thought-provoking. if that's your rambling, idk if i could process planned writing.

also, speaking of narcissus, i had no idea that the flower itself didn't couldn't actually grow near water. that is incredibly fascinating and adds another layer to the story, imo.

have you ever read "the alchemist" by paulo coehlo? it starts with someone reading a story abt narcissus, in which the lake becomes salty (or saltea lol) after his death bc the lake cries at the loss of him, not because he was beautiful, but bc the lake could see its own beauty in his eyes.

things like that are so compelling, and they make me wonder if the inclusion of nature in the story is a veneer hiding smth else — a truth abt humanity, and its obsession with itself. lakes don't love seeing themselves in another's eyes — but humans do. to see yourself through someone else, to know who you are when you're with them — to see your faults and your flaws and your strength and your beauty and someone being there with you, for you, sharing a moment — I think that's what that story is about. I love the version of narcissus' story in "the alchemist," and particularly the way it's not just there without context, but included in the story, the way a character reads it and finds it lovely. is it lovely to turn a one-sided and punishable obsession into an impossible mutual fascination of self-recognition in another? I think so.

idk if you've seen good omens, but one of the reasons I love the main character's dynamic is how well it portrays that concept. in an interview, I think one of the actors was asked "what's aziraphale's favorite thing abt crowley?" and he responded "I can see myself in your eyes" (or smth like that, I can't remember the exact phrasing.) and in this story they've known each other for millennia, been each other's constant through wars and deaths and losses, seen each other at their best and at their worst, and learned from each other. and crowley usually wears reflective sunglasses to hide his demon eyes, so in public, aziraphale can always see himself when he looks at crowley — a buttoned-up, prim and proper angel. but when they're alone together and crowley takes off his glasses, aziraphale sees himself in a different way — more distorted, yet more accurate. someone crowley trusts with the truth of him. someone worth crowley's trust, after countless mistakes. and that tells him more abt himself than looking in the mirror ever would.

also, have u ever read ocean vuong's writing? I think in his novel "on earth we're briefly gorgeous" he mentions the allegory of narcissus, and how a professor said that it represented homosexuality and an unhealthy obsession with oneself. which, so much eugh to unpack there, but what ocean vuong said abt it was something incredible:

"Maybe we look into mirrors not merely to seek beauty, regardless how illusive, but to make sure, despite the facts, that we are still here. That the hunted body we move in has not yet been annihilated, scraped out. To see yourself still yourself is a refuge men who have not been denied cannot know."

using nature as a symbol of that, comparing a human reassuring themself that they're still there to a flower impossibly growing, is something natural. something beautiful, even. because flowers don't do that, lakes don't do that — but humans do, because we need to, because it's built into us. as beautiful as the red orange flame of autumn, as fickle and predictable as the changing of weather, as natural as the pitter patter of raindrops, humans come and go, live and die, ask themselves who am I? and if they're lucky, they find the answer in another. (or just with introspection obv ppl don't need romantic connection to be fulfilled lol)

I've never thought abt change the way you do — honestly, I've resented change more often than not. when I'm in a happy moment, I always want it to last forever. I never want good things to end, and even though it's inevitable, it always feels like a betrayal when they do.

but youre completely right, and I love the way you put it. no story would be good if the protagonist was always happy and never did anything different. change and chaos do brings new beginnings, new adventures, and new joy. and I'd like to believe that change will always exist, that it's impossible for the universe to become stagnant as long as there's life in it (ignoring the eventual the heat death of the universe or wtvr). then again, someone very wise once said "everything is a lamp," and all lamps turn off eventually :(

anyway, I should also hit the hay (that expression always feels so fun and whimsical) thank u for sharing your wise thoughts and your funny ones — reading them is definitely such a blast. if you read through my disjointed rambles thank you so much :) I hope you're having a good day/night!

EDIT: just wanna share a couple relevant and objectively funny comic strips on these topics

characters of all time

[1111jenx]

Placements that indicate someone deeply dark and secretive or won’t open up easily with many trust issues?

I love how you guys always ask the best questions:) Here are some things I've been noticing. Please keep in mind that this is strictly from my observations and research, if needed i'll link the links for yall to read more into it🖤

Astrology Notes:

Trust Issues Edition🌙

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Capricorn suns with some Aquarius placements (or heavily fixed placements)/Capricorn Venus: They're naturally cold and detached with the outer world, very business-like and a lot of ambitions (capricorn rules over general business matters and air conditioning LOL i'm dead serious guys) -> Struggles with opening up sometimes, they had a harder trusting people because they always have to watch their back but these people can also be extremely possessive of their loved ones. emotional security matters a lot but will not show you. hate being seen as "weak" or a "failure". prideful by nature but cries themselves to sleep. keep getting wronged by the ones they trusted most.

Capricorn moon: selfish tendencies and their loved ones need to know this. will call you out. will get back at you for what you did. they know that everything comes with a price. don't believe in karma sometimes.

Aquarius moon: complexity and complicated thought processes. may come off as confident and relaxed but are extremely anxious and neurotic. their inner emotions are deep and dark, very similar to pisces but less dreamy and more idealistic. always look guarded. aquarius moons are tired of being disappointed so they just don't think about it anymore. tired of trusting.

Pisces moon: queens and kings of feels. understand emotions on another level. easily relate to pain and suffers and can "put themselves in others shoes". innocent and childlike sometimes. get used for their kindness and vulnerability. they tend turn to hate this side of them and put on a show of being heartless and unemotional to keep these energies vampires away. don't trust people easily anymore because they know people can't keep promises. suspicious but hate themselves for being suspicious.

Gemini moon: emotionally numb now cause they gave people too much chances. don't tell people everything they're thinking about because they would not be able to say it all. retreat when they sense harm.

Cancer moon/Scorpio moon: been there done that. they know they have too big of a heart and they refuse to be jerked around like clowns any longer. can be surprisingly sociable but they prefer a smaller circle. find the smallest holes in people's words. judgy simply because they don't wanna risk it anymore.

Taurus moon: too relaxed but if placed w an air sun can have a huge conflicts between their inner world and ego. crave stability deep down but come off as charming and flirtatious so people might not take them seriously. very fixed in values. similar to their sister Scorpio Moon, they just don't forget.

Aquarius sun with a lot of Capricorn/Saturn influences: similar to Capricorn sun with Aqua influences but they tend to analyze and rationalize everything. Try to give people chances but surprisingly hate being surprised now, risks sound fun but not all the time kinda mentality. they're also a fixed sign so they take betrayal rly hard.

Sun in 10H: boss bitch placement, also can go so wrong because they know their thirst for success is real and may assume others will also not spare anything to achive success.

Sun in 8H: goodluck getting them to open up LOL

Sun in 12H: empathetic people. fear intimacy but also love it and don't like having too much close friends.

1H/2H/8H/10H/12H stellium: 1st and 2nd house stellium know that at the end of the day they can only rely on themselves so they'd rather act selfish now than be disappointed . 8H is naturally secretive and don't give in easily. 10,12th house stelliums care for people deeply but they're socially intelligent and don't want to put up with bs or get used for their kindness and humanitarian sides anymore

Scorpio stellium/ Pluto dominant people: .....i'm not gonna explain this.

4th house stellium: This deserves its own section. 4H stellium can't even trust their own family at one point, you rly expect them to trust you?

air mars+capricorn/cancer mars: guarded people. defensive but more like they're always ready to defend themselves type beat rather than losing it. it's even harder for them to trust than water mars.

air mercury+capricorn/virgo mercury: detached and calculating.

3H ruler aspects to Pluto/Saturn: realistic thinkers. will not say stuff that jeopardize their lives. their head can sometimes be faster than their hearts.harsh with their words and can be naturally sarcastic to test people's limits. push others buttons before people can trigger their own. (squares, conjunctions)

Lilith in 1H, 3H, 4H, 8H, 10H and 11H.

Pluto in 1H, 4H, 7H, 8H and 10H.

Damaged Ceres(ceres~our second moon signs, what we need to feel nurtured and love) if damaged or has a lot of aspects to Pluto/Saturn and a lot of squares/oppositions to personal planets can show one's inability to tap in their sensible side.

Lilith in cardinal and fixed signs.

Moon harsh aspects to Pluto/Saturn&Lilith (conjunctions, squares and opposition)!

Lilith conjuncts Moon

Sun square/conjuncts Lilith.

Venus squares Mercury or Moon.

Saturn opposites Sun or Moon.

Earth in the first house/ Earth risings

Chart ruler in 2H,4H, 8H, 12H and 10H.

Here are some indicators I'd pay attention too:) Thank you so much for asking boo!

love,

saint jenx🖤

[mrs-miya]

truth or drink → friends with benefits edition

warning: not proofread; alcohol/drinking; mentions of sex and threesome.

genre: angst if u rly squint; fluff; slight suggestive

a/n: reblogs and feedback are appreciated! i had this idea yesterday when was about to sleep lol. i kinda rushed into this as well..? i wanted to post something writing related here hhh

atsumu: i’m atsumu

y/n: and i'm (y/n)

together: we’re friends with benefits!

the two of you laughed before looking at the director to ask if you can drink before the game starts.

y/n: can we? i feel terribly nervous about this.

“go ahead.”

you raised your shot glass as atsumu raised his, clanking it together before drinking the whiskey.

“how did you two meet each other?”

y/n: college. it was our first year and we both had the same class. we never really... conversed that much before unless it’s school-related.

atsumu: she was always present at my club mate’s parties, i’m gonna be honest here, i never really took her as a partygoer until i saw her dancing shamelessly with her friends. nothing indecent, it was actually funny because she doesn’t have any moves.

y/n: hey-!

seeing your reaction, atsumu let out a laugh causing you to pout at him.

“how long have you been friends with benefits?”

atsumu: almost 2 years now. started when we were in our last year of college.

atsumu: you ready for the first question?

he glanced at you for your approval before grabbing a card from a container.

atsumu: what should we call our relationship?

y/n: like i- we said, we’re friends with benefits!

atsumu only laughed at your answer.

y/n: rate my- oh wow, this early in the game?

you looked at the stage crew then to atsumu who seems to be clueless at the current situation

atsumu: go on, rate your what?

you shook your head, trying not to cringe at the question that you’re going to ask out loud.

y/n: rate my performance in bed...

atsumu stared at you for a millisecond, processing the question in his mind. then, with a smirk on his face, he folded his arms and looked at the camera.

atsumu: oh that’s easy. she’s an 11— 11/10. i wanna say a bigger number but it might sound cheesy.

y/n: when was the last time you’ve slept with a person that’s not me?

atsumu: 3 years ago, at suna’s party.

y/n: that was before we had... this relationship. You’ve never really slept with anyone else recently? or last year?

atsumu shook his head, smiling at you.

atsumu: you?

y/n: well i don't think i did. unless i was too drunk to remember – hopefully that didn’t happen.

atsumu: as far as i know, it didn’t.

y/n: oh, well, thank God.

atsumu grabs a card and his eyebrows perked up at the question he’s now going to ask

atsumu: oh~ this is an interesting question.

y/n: you’re making me nervous, tsum.

he looks at you, a smirk formed on his face as he read the question outloud.

atsumu: have you ever thought about having a threesome with me and a friend?

now it was your turn to get flustered, you held up your palms and covered your face to it, contemplating if you’re going to drink to it or not.

y/n: well, i’d be lying if i said i haven’t.

atsumu: really? with who?

y/n: yeah. but to answer your second question, i’m going to drink to that.

atsumu leaned back on his chair, groaning at your answer. he makes a mental note to pester you about it later.

y/n: now it's my turn to ask a spicy question.

atsumu: ask it away, ’m not afraid to answer ‘em.

y/n: yeah you never drank to a question.

y/n: anyway, name your favorite and least favorite place we had sex in.

atsumu: hmm, my favorite would be the kitchen counter. but my least favorite...

he dragged out the last word, shaking his head at the same time.

atsumu: i can’t believe i’m going to do this...

atsumu takes the shot glass beside him, drinking the whiskey in one go.

y/n: hey, if it makes you feel better i wouldn’t answer that too!

when atsumu picked the top card, he let out a sigh as he mentally read the question.

atsumu: are you afraid of commitment?

y/n: you know full well i’m not.

you gave him a soft smile.

“how about you atsumu?”

atsumu: ... before, yes. i was afraid of commitment, like really afraid of it. but now... i’ve been thinking about it and maybe it doesn’t sound so bad.

atsumu let out a quiet chuckle, avoiding your eyes.

y/n: this is why 2 of his exes left him.

atsumu: hey now, those are all in the past!

y/n: after a few months of being friends with benefits with him, i asked him a question - only out of curiosity. i asked him if we could be... something more and he said that he doesn’t see us being ‘something more.’ it’s understandable, honestly, considering the relationship we’re in.

you smiled at the card in front of you before looking at atsumu.

y/n: do you think i love you?

atsumu: i do. in fact, i’ve known for a while, not to sound too cheesy but i can see it through your eyes. it shines differently than when we started.

a small gasp came out of you before mumbling a “how?” to yourself.

“what about you (y/n)? do you think atsumu loves you?”

the way you’re playing with your fingers as a sign of nervousness didn’t go unnoticed by atsumu.

y/n: i’m not sure, to be honest. sometimes, i feel like he loves me and wants us to be ‘something more.’ but when i think about that, i also think about what he said a year ago. i don’t know..! he makes me confused.

you covered yourself with a laugh, hoping you weren’t assuming the wrong things.

a woman from backstage handed you two cards, one for each of you.

y/n: this is the last question right?

the woman nodded at you before leaving the set. you gestured atsumu to go first, his mind preparing for what’s about to be asked and answered. he took a short breath before flipping the card to read the question

atsumu: do you love me?

y/n: now that the cat’s out of the bag... yes, i love you.

atsumu: okay... your turn.

the set was still, the two of you talking to each other almost in whispers. as you flipped your card, you suddenly felt like your stomach was filled with butterflies.

you bit your lip in agitation before looking at atsumu.

y/n: it’s— it’s the same question.

atsumu positioned himself properly, both arms on the table. he exhaled as he gazed at you longingly.

atsumu: if you think i don’t... then you’re wrong. i love you too. probably more than how i think i do.

extra:

y/n: did you just ask me out? in a video?

atsumu: i guess so. i can ask you out again later if you want.

you both let out a hearty laugh causing the stage crew to laugh with you.

y/n: i’m gonna come over later and we’re gonna talk about this properly.

atsumu: come over? just live with me, most of your clothes are there anyway.

y/n: are you now asking me to move in with you..?!

[amjustagirl]

Nikki. Hon.

Boy do I have some thoughts about Storm Chaser 😩

Atsumu, Atsumu...I want to first start off by saying that you characterized him <i>beautifully</i> . Atsumu is one of those characters that I actually love reading about the most, because in addition to all of his wonderful traits and his relationship with his brother (honestly I could read banter back and forth between those to for days), his flaws are on full display, usually wrapped up in his virtues. His single minded determination? Sometimes at the expense of his loved ones. His stubbornness? Can turn to bull-headedness and he has a tendency to blindly think he's right. His passion? It's all or nothing with him, and getting the short end of the stick can hurt irreparably.

Okay and this might be a controversial opinion? This is exactly how I'd imagine a relationship with Atsumu might go. He's not always the most tactful and says what's on his mind, and sometimes that can be something you don't want to hear. And he can be spiteful, too - directing his frustrations with himself at those around him is a nasty habit he has that I think not a lot of FF writers touch on. When he left his ring behind on purpose in a place Kaiyo would see it, that actually hurt my heart.

That's why I think Osamu is such an integral part of his life, and even though he'd probably rather eat a spoonful of salt, I think Atsumu subconsciously turns to his brother for his troubles because Osamu's been setting him straight for most of his life. And <i>huge</i> praise to Osamu for being, IMO, the primary reason why their marriage was salvageable in the first place, and also for just being an amazing boss, brother (to Atsumu), brother-in-law (to Kaiyo), and uncle (to little Shino).

And last but not least, Kaiyo. I love her personality and think she's most a good fit for a partner to Tsumu. She has a good head on her shoulders, she's kind but not a pushover, and while initially I was against the idea of taking Atsumu back after he decided to ditch his responsibilities, I'm happy the got back together. And something else I did, this might seem extra but bear with me, but I actually went back to Chapter 6, hit CTRL+F and looked for the word 'sorry' and not once did it come up. Throughout his entire run for working to gain her forgiveness, Atsumu hadn't actually apologized to Kaiyo like Osamu said, but when he finally did in Chapter Seven and she gave him another chance, I liked it a lot. The healing process started once he finally swallowed his pride and apologized, and even then it took time - apologizing to her, her family, his brother for heaping his responsibilities on him. I liked that, and I liked that it wasn't instant either.

And then in the stands, when she miscarried 😢 My heart broke into so many pieces. And despite the circumstances, I'm so happy Atsumu was there for her. And the rest of the MSBY team as well, being there for both of them. Shoyo, my little ball of sunshine, made me smile when he offered her his mother's number if she needed to talk to someone about it, how sweet of him!

This one was absolutely aptly named, and it was a whirlwind of emotions I wasn't quite prepared for on a Saturday 😂 But I loved every moment of it! Thank you so much! 🤗💖🤗💖

<s>PS this all confirms why Osamu is my favorite of the two akdkakdnelqjsn</s>

oh darling lemme give you a hug ahhh <3

i knew atsumu wld be an amazing character to write cos as you pointed out, he's so flawed yet lovable. the dark side of his passion for volleyball is that he's more likely that not, going to resent anything and anyone that gets in the way of his ambition, and that's when his spiteful side really peeks out. it's not pretty, he's not a romantic hero but a flawed human being. i cried when i wrote the scene where he leaves his wedding ring right by the door, so kaiyo's reminded every day that he walked out on her and shino and the fact that she kept the ring clean, kept it exactly where he left it despite clearing all other signs of him from their apartment hurts my heart.

and that's where osamu steps in. he's really the silent support behind both atsumu and kaiyo and really, he deserves all the love cos that poor man just shouldered the burdens that atsumu left behind. but in a sense osamu's goodness just...kind of makes atsumu insecure. i weaved a little bit of that in the fic - when atsumu gets jealous of the relationship btw osamu and kaiyo, when he just assumed that he's the bad twin and doesn't have a conscience. i find their sibling relationship really...complicated yet loving and it was just such a blast to write.

kaiyo, my queen. when i was coming up with her personality i knew for a fact that atsumu could NOT be paired with a pushover, and my sense is that he'd be drawn by someone with strength of personality (look at how he's drawn to shoyo!) and in any case kaiyo had to have this ironclad will to survive atsumu's bullshit.

and yeah i definitely had a lot of readers discuss whether or not she should've ended up back with atsumu. i think...yeah the story at the end of the day is about...marriage that takes time to settle, about family and forgiveness and relationships that crumble, that can be rebuilt. and yknow i love that you combed through chapter 6 for an apology from atsumu because the omission of a simple 'sorry' from him was intention on my part. leading up to chapter 7, atsumu was being utterly selfish in his desire to get back together with kaiyo. he couldn't fathom that he should put her needs and desires ahead of his, and so he couldn't give her a proper apology until after the talk with osamu where his twin sets his head straight and reminds him to not be selfish for once in his life. and so when kaiyo takes him back, it's not because he bought her a motorbike (i mean, that in itself is significant in symbolising his desire to return her independence and autonomy back to her, which she lost after marriage and parenthood) but because he demonstrated that he's truly sorry and has learnt the error of his ways by taking her needs and wants into account.

oops the miscarriage. i wasn't sure if it was too melodramatic but i wanted to show how he'd changed as a husband, and in any case - miscarriages aren't uncommon so i rly wanted to write a...hopefully realistic account of it. and aahhhhh yes hinata is really a ball of sunshiney goodness <3

HAHAHA and yes hence the title storm chaser - for (1) the whirlwind of emotions i put my readers through, (2) the comparison of atsumu to a storm (cos he's volatile and destructive to those around him) and (3) kaiyo for being crazy enough to chase after the storm that is miya atsumu. i probably overthought this HAHA.

[time-to-write-and-suffer]

Hi Eff idk if you remember me, but I'm the one that did the artbreeder for some of your oc's. I absolutely adore your oc's so when I saw the opportunity to ask questions about your wip I jumped on the train as soon as possible. 👀👀🚉

What would you say is your oc's greatest fears are? Also I saw the kestrel art and I was blown away at how talented you are at drawing. Your art style is really beautiful and keeps getting better and better. Like iev scrolled through your art blog and your illustrations are just breathtaking like wow. If I wasn't a broke ass bitch I would definitely purchase some commissions for my ocs.💖

Staying on the topic of your wip what was your inspiration for you dragon wip and what would you say is the overarchimg message you hope to achieve with the book? Also will it be a standalone or a series?

Also I'm really curious about your vampire if. How is the process of writing an If going and I was wondering if you could give us a little sneak peak or tell us a bit more about the ROs and other characters because I'm dying to know more. 👀👀

OK last question I promise what's your process of writing such unique and multilayered oc's. Like your oc's just have this really unique aspect to them that makes them really likeable. All your oc's seem to have really cool personalities so I was wondering what your process behind creating them are. Do you discovery write them and shape them as you go throughout the story or do you outline them before starting?

Hope you have a good Christmas and that you and your family stay safe. 💕

How could I ever forget you, ArtBreeder anon, my beloved?

I was only recently thinking about you tbh! Wondering how you were doing, since I saw you deactivated your blog. Hope you're well!

Thank you for the sweet compliments about my art, I've been feeling pretty crap about it lately and it's nice to hear that it's not as bad as I fear it is. I'm hoping to have a period where I just practice my anatomy and color theory and all that jazz. Because my eye has evolved but my skills haven't.

I think Kestrel's greatest fear is being abandoned? But it's not like she'd break down if she was, she'd probably just finally start her descent into villainy. Like, "if nobody likes me or wants to be around me, then I'll retroactively justify their feelings by making their life a nightmare," ya know? It doesn't go that far and the story isn't rly about her corruption arc (she actually improves, a little bit), but that's basically it. As for Falk, I think he's afraid of failure. Hence why he doesn't try anything, he doesn't believe himself to be capable of success but he also doesn't want to disappoint anyone so he just kinda exists. It's a little sad tbh. I love creating pathetic men.

As for inspirations ... Hmm. I think I answered a similar question before? Yup, found it! On the topic of messages, I don't really write with messages or themes in mind? Those tend to come up naturally as I write and rewrite, but I always try to just tell a fun, engaging story, and people can take away from that what they will. Sorry if this is a disappointing answer, but I have never been someone who writes to say something. I like to entertain with my stories. If I've done that, then I've succeeded, in my book, even if it's not the deepest or most cerebral story in the world. This WIP in particular is just me having fun and hopefully the reader will have a good time, too!

Also, the dragon WIP will be a trilogy I think? It could possibly also be a duology. I don't want it to be too long and am trying to keep it on the shorter side, so even if it turns out to be a trilogy I don't expect any of the books to be chonkers.

About my IF ideas: I've currently put both on hold, mainly because I have so many writing projects already and creating an IF is a lot more difficult in terms of storytelling, coding, and audience expectations. That last one is probably the scariest part to me tbh, as an anxious people pleaser. Sorry if that's a disappointing answer :/ I can write up a separate post about my ideas for the vampire IF though, if you're interested! I do like the OCs I've came up with for it.

And on the topic of OCs: I tend to keep things pretty organic and fluid as I write. The way I build OCs is that I have a plot hook in mind, figure out what roles need to be filled, and then I throw some half-baked people at the roles and see how they interact. Most of my character creation happens in my mind, where I come up with scenarios in my head and see how the characters react. Then I figure out why they react that way, how someone else might react to that reaction, etc etc. I do prefer to have a relatively clear picture of the character in mind before I start writing, but it's only after a few rewrites that the character becomes their own. I think they have to interact with the world and the plot and surprise you a little bit as you write, that way you get a clearer picture of who they are. So it's a mix of both outlining and discovery!

Hope that answered your questions, and thank you for sending this ask! It's always great to hear from you! <3