#i don't deserve any of this
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First panic attack of the year!
So fucking fantastic, I just love my brain. <3
#sa survivor#tw sa#recovery#ed recovery#and in front of one of my new friends#in college#in class!#he was so kind and understanding#i don't deserve this#i don't deserve any of this#i fuckin hate Instagram
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I am trying to escape my violent abusive family while fighting against chronic pain and fatigue. Not only that, I am still recovering from surgery and struggling with body image. AND I have to face my demons born from trauma every minute of every day. AND I am doing it all alone without a loving safe place where I can come to peace. Imagine how fucking exhausted I am. How am I even still standing???
#yes that's the rage talking#i don't deserve any of this#i'm getting help but it's going painfully slow#no wonder i dream of dying sometimes#trauma#toxic home#chronic pain#chronic depression
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the men and boys are innocent too.
we cry "the innocent women and children" to appeal to the masses, to try and force their sympathy, but the men and boys are innocent too.
I have seen sons crying out for their mothers, their fathers, their siblings. I have seen them break down at the loss of their families. I have seen them cling to their dead and grieve.
I have seen fathers cradle their dead children, seen them kiss their faces and hold their little hands. I have seen them faint with grief when asked to identify the dead. I have seen them carry their sons and daughters. I have seen them fasting to provide what little they can for their families.
I have seen men and boys digging through the rubble with just their bare hands, I have seen them comforting strangers, playing with children, rocking them, hushing them, even if the face of such imminent danger. I have seen them cry, seen them grieve, seen them break down into each other's arms, seen them be selfless, beyond selfless, becoming something I don't have a word for.
I have seen the men who are doctors refuse to leave their patients, even when they have no medicine or supplies to give them, even when they're threatened with bombings. I have seen fathers who have lost all their children pick orphans up into their arms and proclaim them their child so they are not alone. I have seen men and boys digging pets out of the rubble.
the men are innocent too. the men and boys are being hurt and killed too. the men and boys are grieving too. the men and boys are scared too. the men and boys are fighting to save their people too. the men and boys deserve to be fought for too.
#I don't have words to describe how I feel for the men of Palestine#the things I have seen them do after everything they have been through goes so far beyond selfless#what do you call this? this prevailing goodness and willingness to give everything they have and more? what word even touches it?#I don't think there is one#islamophobia has conditioned us to see these men and boys as evil and dangerous#we see this in how we speak about Palestine#and we need to uncondition ourselves#they're just as innocent and of value and good as the women and children#so fight for them#they don't deserve this any more than the women and children#free palestine#palestine
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every time a new SA allegation of a favored celeb arises, i'm reminded of the absolutely soul-crushing experience of the depp/heard trial in which i learned that dozens of ppl i loved + respected + trusted were also willing to engage in the basest form of misogyny if the woman Seemed Crazy Enough. there was a horrifying 2ish weeks on this website + much longer irl where i genuinely felt unsafe voicing my discomfort as i relived something eerily reminiscent of the aftermath of my own assaults playing out on screen, commented on by true crime youtubers like it was a red sox game.
it happens time + time again with every new allegation + it's truly the most agonizing + exhausting part of being a survivor. i am begging you all to consider that survivors are watching you engage with this stuff like theater + it erodes our trust in all of you + compounds our grief.
#one of the only things i still have blacklisted is depp/heard#the whole ~she's a borderline bitch who deserved whatever happened cuz she was the crazy one~#schtick is smth i never expected to have to watch play out on a public stage so much so that my 50 year old acquaintances would know of it#now every time it's a new Beloved Celeb i'm like i don't trust any of you fucking ppl
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if you're a white person taking pleasure in the idea that Trump voters of colour are experiencing racist violence from white trumpers because "they got what's coming to them" I don't think you're anti-racist at all, I think you were just waiting for an acceptable target, and you're also fucking weird.
Bad Person Deserves Punishment For Their Sins give me a fucking break and get yourself out of the fucking catholic church. you're all prison abolitionists until you see someone you don't like.
#assholes still do not deserve to be victims of bigotry#people will crow this up and down until they find someone they think is a big enough asshole to really deserve it#watch your cognitive dissonance kids#i really am only speaking to white people here. as a white person.#POC can feel however they feel.#though i still don't think it's an appropriate sentiment to turn into Political Praxis there is of course a need to vent#like idk i don't find any marginalised suffering under fascism funny. i think it's fucking sad.#i think it is sad when right wing gay people experience homophobia and i think it is sad when right wing trans people experience transphobia#and when right wing disabled people experience ableism and when right wing women experience misogyny#leopards eating faces is funny when it's about like. rich people or misogynists or whatever it's.#do you understand that this is punching down?#why are we wasting our energy hoping for the victimisation of specific marginalised people#this would be a great time to do some outreach but instead everyone is just fucking MOCKING THEM#you're so fucking stupid you don't care about The Cause you care about Winning#this shit makes me furious.#have some compassion#the system speaks#USpol#Trump#racism#politics
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EAT SHIT AND DIE
#original post#NO POST OF MINE IS AN “HONORARY TERF POST”#DON'T TOUCH MY POSTS#edited because the original screenshot makes it look like my tags#I censored their blog because I'd rather have them completely ignored#they don't deserve any attention
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Imo the best ending to Supernatural would have been to just stop with them alive on a random hunt or them finding jobs and living the life they just wanted or whatever.
And then the story just fucking STOP, because Chuck is not here anymore, so they are no longer part of a story they are finally free. And we could still write and read fanfic about how they live after they won.
#they should have just STOP before fucking killing them all#that might have stopped the story with no possibility for a revival#so I'm not sure#but I would be fine not having any revival if the end was satisfying enough#it would still be better than what we had anyway#an open ending would have been better#because they would be ALIVE and FREE#they deserved to be happy#spn#supernatural#spn 15x20#Carry On#there's no carrying on when everyone is fucking dead#don't mind me#I'm still bitter about that ending#dean winchester#sam winchester#castiel#jack kline#eileen leahy#destiel#deancas#saileen#if you don't ship those no hate please#my random thoughts about spn
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Appleseed PDA montage to save you from reading endless pages of unimportant politics that don't amount to anything
also because I have nothing better to do, I'm bored, I'm moody, my gaming laptop is still broken so no BG3, and it's too late at night to start drawing after doing animation clean-up all day.
#Manga#Appleseed#Shirow Masamune#80s#This is literally every single one of these moments in the entirety of the manga's run#including bonus material#There's some great character writing hidden among all the infodumping and technobabble as well#But like I said before all it accomplishes is to make you frustrated#Because despite being written so well#Masamune was more interested in waxing philosophical than actually giving his characters the attention they deserve#Despite them displaying an insane amount of depth and complexity whenever they are able to#it's a very rare case where the characters are EXTREMELY well written and almost every moment they are on screen is amazingly well done#But the manga keeps demanding you listen to completely different side characters talk about politics for endless pages#while at the same time none of these politics have any consequence or relevance to the actual stories that happen on screen.#So it ends up with the majority of the manga is like listening to some guy you don't know on the bus reading the headlines of a newspaper#at you about political tension between two countries you have never heard of and will never feature in your life again#How do you write such great and well written characters and then be completely disinterested in actually putting them on screen?????
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Basically, my philosophy around disability fakers is: I would rather a thousand people fake a disability than have one disabled person suffer without care, aids, compassion, or any help.
#disability#disability advocacy#and there's a difference not many people seem to recognize between faking and realizing you don't have [x] problem...#...such as realizing you don't have [x] disorder because it is instead [y] disorder...#...or you haven't completely understood your care needs/your symptoms/what helps you...#...and some people see ANY change in your understanding of your disability as proof of maliciously faking...#...when i suppose in my personal experience people don't *maliciously* fake disability...#...i'm not saying it could never happen but that i don't think it's the *only* thing motivating people called fakers#i just think (like most everything) this is complex and nuanced because it's a *human* experience#like for me personally i /know/ i still have a lot to learn about my disabilities...#...like... i realized recently that my hands shouldn't be in AGONY when warm water is ran over them when it's SLIGHTLY cold inside or out...#...and i realized that i likely have a Noticable limb difference that needs checking out. does this sound like i'm faking...#...or that maybe i just didn't really explore my own needs and body because of a variety of factors?#i can assure you it is because i haven't really thought before about how i deserved to understand how to best help myself
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Still some doodles of them :DD
#What's great with tua is that you can make any aus and say that it was one of the canon Timelines#five hargreeves#ofc he is the easiest one for me to draw I can't draw adults to save my life dshjds#Viktor Hargreeves#he deserves to be more violent on screen#allison hargreeves#there is one braincell for all the siblings and she has it most of the time help her#diego hargreeves#ben hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#my art#once again do not take this too seriously it's like half au/half hcs#idk how to explain but for me Five is as 58 as he is 13#He's making the biggest effort to tell his siblings where he goes for once#while bringing a gun of course#Luther and Diego makes me wanna jump off a roof to draw but I love them a lot too#tua#tua fanart#the umbrella academy fanart#the umbrella academy#umbrella academy#hargreeves siblings#the hargreeves#they make me very emotionnal I love them#ghost ben I miss you#I miss you sm n6 Ben#I shouldn't have given Klaus a shirt it was a reflex sorry Klaus#disclaimer I don't draw with references sorry I really try to :'))#they don't have the same faces every two doodles it's normal for now ahah
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yeah you support trans people but are you normal about trans men who choose to get pregnant
#i'm not a trans guy who evr wants to get pregnant but#the amount of queer ppl and other trans people i see joke around about like#how weird mpreg or men getting pregnant is#and use it as shock value shit#is really disheartening#like damn dude! it's almost like men CAN get pregnant and there IS a lot of men who choose to get pregnant !#they don't deserve any less respect for that#and their existence shouldn't be made into a joke#ik mpreg doesn't have a great history but like#it just weirds me out to see people treat the idea of men getting pregnant as something baffling#idk normalize it. stop treating it as some weird alien thing#my textbox#a little bit upset. sorry#discourse#pregnancy#<- for filtering
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GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, THE NEXT BOOK 7 UPDATE FOR THE JP SERVER IS SET FOR MARCH 1ST.
HOW WE FEELIN LADS!?!?!
AHHHHHHHH NOOO I'M NOT READY, I thought we'd be getting the fourth anniversary first and then Sebek's birthday and then maybe some more episode 7, I didn't -- I didn't think it'd be Friday --
oh god and they're rerunning the story cards, they didn't say this was the final part but it feels like...maybe the penultimate chapter? could the end of episode 7 finally be looming in the distance?! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
#art#twisted wonderland#gif warning#gifs that accurately represent the inside of idia's brain whenever he has to have a social interaction#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#THE SHROUDS ARE BACK IN TOWN BABY#time to find out how the heck ortho managed to hack(?) his way into the dreamscape(????) via a couple of robot dogs(????????)#a-are they going to show us dream!ortho#i don't know if i want that or not. i mean i do but DO I?#(chanting softly) ortho fight ortho fight ORTHO FIGHT --#okay no we're cool we're all cool here#preparing mentally to get exactly zero answers to any of my burning questions#(i kind of suspect anything involving crowley-and-possibly-revaan is going to wait until the presumed episode 8....)#(FEEL FREE TO PROVE ME WRONG THOUGH TWST)#man i just want someone to say the words silver vanrouge at some point#60/40 on whether or not i think it'll actually happen but i want this for my BOY#HE DESERVES IT#he's been through so much just let him have this#...there is something a little bit hilarious about sebek's birthday coming AFTER a big episode 7 drop though#we're gonna be in the middle of like. sebek manfully clasping silver's arm and monologuing about how they are brothers in soul or whatever#and smash cut straight into sebek in a sparkly silver bowtie screaming at a picture of goofy falling down a toilet#my kingdom hearts brethren...i am beginning to Understand
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I think it’s safe to say Ranchers Win These
(In the silence between the last two panels, there is a 20 page comic in my head filled with flashbacks of every moment Scott teased, scolded, or dismissed Jimmy—and every moment where Tango was instead kind, patient, and proud)
#limited life smp#limlife#limited life#24lsmp#jimmy solidarity#Scott smajor#smajor#implied ranchers but I won’t tag it I suppose#Jimmy#solidaritygaming#solidarity gaming#Scott#art escapades#LISTEN I LOVE SCOTT SMAJOR TO DEATH NOTHING AGAINST HIM AND NOTHING AGAINST ANYONE WHO SHIPS FLOWER HUSBANDS#/gen!!! i honestly like flower husbands a lot#but I just think. that jimmy deserves someone who is kinder to him and that jimmy should be able to grow as a person and decide who he->#keeps in his life and who he moves on from#that’s all <3#nothing against any ship or anyone :]] i'm just being goofy and enjoy spinning things to my current preferences ehehe#please don't read any malicious intent! i have none! just being silly goofy and making art for a fun spin on this moment
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Memories
Old man Fiddlestan, my beloved-and what's this? It could be semi-canon compliant :O ?!?! Woof- this is one of the saddest things I have ever written. I know some of you gremlins (affectionate) love that sort of thing, but I don't. I like really really don't. This is my comfort ship, so I don't even know where this came from other than trying to figure out how they *could* work in canon. Truthfully though, I prefer my Fiddlestan heavy on the comfort when it comes to the "hurt/comfort" genre. This is my only “angsty” (i.e. no immediate happy ending) Notes-app fics, so don't get used to this level of sad from me lol.
“Stan?” an oddly familiar voice called. Mr. Mystery, Stan Pines, glanced up from the flyers he was organizing and found that Old Man McGucket stood in the doorway of his front door. The last tour of the day had just left, it was dinnertime, and he was exhausted. Stan rolled his eyes as he unfurled his tie, wishing Soos was still there to escort the crazy old man off his property. No matter what he did, the old hillbilly always managed to find his way back to the Shack. “Sweet Moses McSuckit, what are you doing in here? Shoo, scat, or whateva will get rid of ya.” Hearing no movement, he looked at the man again and found he was standing erect. His blue eyes were the clearest he had seen them in no less than a decade.
Wait, what did he call- oh. Oh no.
“Stan…ley? Did I…did I do somethin’ wrong?” the other man asked, his hands twisted in knots in front of him. Memories flashed through Stan’s mind; Ford falling through the portal, Fiddleford finding him passed out in the lab, working together to bring Ford home again…being together. Being happy. They had been happy, if just for a little while, hadn’t they?
Then there was the cult, and his discovery of the damn memory gun that had finally ruined everything they ever built. He took a hesitant step forward, a thousand thoughts roaring in his mind at once. “Fidds? Wha-what do you remember?” A bandaged hand snaked up and rubbed over the faded scar on the side of his head “I…don’t rightly know. Did we…I think we had a fight? I just woke up in the…in the dump. N’ I don’t have any shoes. Do ya know why my arm is in a cast?” Fiddleford looked so lost.
Stan knew in his heart that all of this was fleeting- “clarity” would hit Fiddleford every few years after he had finally wiped his mind of himself. Almost like his brain was trying to jumpstart itself back together. The first time they thought it was a miracle but…it didn’t last. It just started a trend that would follow them both for the next almost thirty years. Fiddleford would seemingly “wake up” and be lucid for a few weeks in the beginning, then eventually only a matter of days. It had been so long since the last time that Stan would wager, they only had maybe a few hours together if he was lucky.
The last time Fiddleford was himself…they had fought. Stanley thought he had figured the only way Fiddleford could stay; he needed to remember. Remember everything he had ever forgotten. At the time, Fiddleford had been unwilling to try. He didn’t think he could handle it; he knew he had forgotten what he had for a reason.
Stanley had gotten as close to begging as he ever had in his life since surviving Tijuanna, and when it had no effect…Stanley had told Fiddleford to leave and never come back. He had left that night, and by the next day he had faded away again. After a while, Stan thought his last words had been the final nail in the coffin that was Fiddleford’s mind. He carried that weight along with every other mistake he had ever made. But here he was. Fiddleford. His Fiddleford.
He took a deep breath before he opened his arms up. “Hey, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. I’m right here.” Fiddleford rushed through the doorway, melting into Stanley’s open arms. “I went away again, didn’t I?” Stan could feel Fiddleford’s tears soaking into his chest, his own whispering at the edges of his eyes. Yes, and you will leave again. You will leave me and I will be alone all over again, you fucking asshole. “Hey cowboy, didn’t I just say not t’ worry about any a’ that? You’re here now, n' that’s what matters. You’re…you’re home.” A haggard laugh vibrated through the smaller man’s chest into Stanley’s own. “I know I keep tellin’ ya, tellin’ me not t’ worry is like” “…tellin’ a fish t’ stop swimmin’; I know Fidds, I know.” Fuck was really the only conscious thought that went through his head as he held his one-time lover. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, again.
Fiddleford looked up, eyes wide and searching Stan’s face. “How long do ya think we have?” Stan shook his head, unwilling to lie even if it eventually wouldn’t matter because he wouldn’t remember. You’ve always been the only person I couldn’t lie to. “I dunno, it’s been…a while. Probably not very long.” Fiddleford closed his eyes before he said “I need ya t’ know somethin’, Stanley.” Stan started to shake his head. “Fidds, you don’t have t-” The look on the other man’s face shut Stan right up-he had always had that ability. Stan wished he didn’t miss it as much as he did. “I need ya to know that even when I’m not here…I miss you. The part of me that’s somewhere in here-” A weathered hand tapped the side of his head to emphasize his point “ misses you. I’m just so sorry, Stanley. Sorry that I’m a coward. I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to be here all the time…but I’ll never stop tryin’. I’ll always try n’ come home to ya.”
Stan thought of the thousands of times he had chased Old Man McGucket, the neat little character that Stan had to compartmentalize his Fiddleford into when he wasn’t himself, out of the Shack. How many times he had found him curled up like a cat on the back porch. How every time they “met”, McGucket would say how nice Stan was or how good he felt to be around him “for some reason.” How many odds and ends McGucket would gift Stan from the dump for exhibits at the Mystery Shack with a large smile and nothing substantial behind his eyes.
It would be so much easier if he would stop trying to come back. Maybe the hole in Stan’s heart the size of the sweet, certifiably insane man would scab over. How many times had Stanley mourned him? How many times was he willing to hurt himself? They were now nearing their sixties, how long was he really willing to do this song and dance?
What’s one more time? he softly thought, his hand coming up to tenderly cup the grizzled face of Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. Mad scientist, friend, and unfortunately for them both…the love of his life.
“I miss you too, Fidds.”
#bbuzz28#my writing#fiddlestan#stanley pines#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#if anyone ever wants to expand on this idea please feel free to-bc I think its an interesting concept overall#I simply do not have the heart to write something so very sad LOL#also something I couldn't think of how to do justice was Tate in all of this#because like-Tate knows *something* is between his father and Stan#I had a line that was like 'The wide berth he gave Tate McGucket whenever they were in the same vicinity. The weight of similar eyes#to his father never leaving him whenever they were found to be in the same place always feeling heavy.'#but I couldn't figure out how to make it really fit in a quick lil one shot#and Tate deserves more than that#bc don't forget Tate is *literally* the only thing that holds Fidds mind together at any given time in any just about any timeline :')#but yeah the idea of canon Fiddlestan is actually incredibly sad bc either its this or Fidds wiped Stan's memory of him#which I recognize *is* a trope...but that just makes me so v sad.#I know people explore fiction in ways to help them feel bigger feelings- but I just want them to be happy#maybe that's naive but its my truth#alright-that's enough yapping in the tags#again if anyone wants to expand on this feel free and send me a link :)
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There are always 2 sides.
The discourse around Louis and Lestat being a victim and abuser and nothing more drives me insane.
Something i don't think enough people remember is that the very same reason the fight began in 1×05 (lestat grabbing claudia by the throat when she tries to "take louis away") we see Louis himself do to her in 1×07 when she tries to get Louis to burn Lestat.
They BOTH would harm her rather than live in a world without the other. They are both guilty of abusing her and each other.
There is an implication that a good deal of time passed between Louis and Lestat meeting and the church. Louis expresses that he shares himself with Lestat in a way he only had with Paul. I would assume that goes both ways, to a degree. We know Louis knows at least enough about Nicki to discourage Claudia poking that wound. He also clearly knows that the threat of leaving is his most powerful weapon against Lestat.
Mental abuse is abuse. And Louis abused Lestat mentally for years. Shaming him, ridiculing him, shutting him out, manipulating him into making Claudia (a traumatic moment for him, whether Louis understands the depths of it or not) by promising to give him what he's being denying him, promising to never put him through what he fears the most.
Louis admits to purposely making Lestat suffer. He admits he was warned that Claudia would suffer and he wanted her anyway because he needed to feel redeemed. He is not innocent. He is not a trapped, weak victim. He made choices to hurt both Lestat and Claudia time and time again.
Does this justify Lestat's actions in 1×05? Obviously not. But we now know Louis was not willing to stop the fight. He taunted Lestat the same way he taunted the Alderman. He was unleashing years of frustrations just as Lestat was. His priority was not to protect Claudia, it was to hurt Lestat, consequences be damned.
I hate the drop scene as much as the next person and Lestat has admitted he will never earn forgiveness for what he did. But if you view Louis as some squeaky clean victim who was manipulated, trapped, and abused by Lestat you are missing so much of what this show is conveying.
We will always tend to paint ourselves as the hero of our own story. It is hard to accept your faults or that you hurt people you love. It is much easier to shift that blame on to someone else, to frame them as the villian. But life is not usually that black and white. Claudia had harsh words for them both in her diary, even before they got to Europe, for a reason. They both made hurtful mistakes with her, both treated her like a pawn in their relationship instead of a person, both harmed her, took away her choice, never prioritized her.
That is the great tragedy. That she never had a choice and was not allowed to be her own person. And in the end, they both are responsible for her misery and her death. That's what makes the reunion scene so important. They have been grieving her and carrying that guilt alone, all the while longing for the comfort of the other for 70+ years. Louis has found clarity in his memories, he has accepted his role in their suffering, he has seen Lestat's perspective more fully. Lestat is broken, totally consumed with that guilt and grief. Both know that although they cannot change what they've done, they can forgive the other, even if they can't forgive themselves. They can love each other despite everything they've done to one another because they cannot stop loving each other. But now they can try to rebuild that love from the rubble.
#If you don't think that lestat would have killed anyone who grabbed Claudia the way Louis did (other than louis) you don't know lestat#tw abuse#iwtv#lestat de lioncourt#loustat#amc iwtv#louis de pointe du lac#claudia iwtv#iwtv text post#iwtv thoughts#I'm sorry idc if people have problems with this take I have problems with MISSING THE POINT#If they wanted you to view Lestat as an irredeemable monster the show would suck#Yes I think 1×05 was a mistake and I get why people struggle with it but we have learned a lot since#We know Louis is an unreliable narrator and we have only seen the real lestat in 1 scene#We have never truly heard his side of any of this ffs#If Louis loves him I can love him ok?#They are messy but they like that!!! Look at how they fell in love!!#Mess all around#Don't even get me started on viewing Armand as The Villian#claudia deserved better#They all do tbh#Rant over sorry#interview with the vampire#i could talk about this forever#Maybe season 3 will finally have some healthy relationship but probably not lol
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I do not now, nor have I ever, expected Gideon to take a principaled stance on the forever war. I just don't think it matters to her. Ostensibly she's on her dad's side because her dad has been on a parenting kick lately, and the best she ever got from her mum was goodbye with a stay of execution. But if she were confronted with the ethics of the situation? Asked her opinion? I don't think she'd have one. She may be a prince, but at heart she's still the abused eighteen year old girl who fought tooth and nail to join the army just for a way out
#we've got other characters to have political opinions#paul. coronabeth. ianthe. even pyrrha#gideon is as she has always been—in survival mode#she has the political consciousness of an eggplant emoji#and I don't think that's changing any time soon#I don't WANT that to change any time soon#she neither deserves nor is equipped for large-scale ethical responsibility#the locked tomb#gideon nav#kiriona gaia#ntn spoilers#nona the ninth
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