#i do think it's really fair that she's struggling to find her place in between all that

[arsquare]

Happy Valentine's Day!

This is my Heishin Exchange piece (event hosted by @heishinvalentineexchange2025) for oreganocactus on Ao3! The prompt I used was: "heishin yuri would be awesome…i love explorations of how gender would affect how characters behave/change so that would be cool :)"

Thoughts and process under the cut!

And also an NSFW sketch at the very bottom btw. as a treat for clicking on the readmore

So originally I had wanted to do a comic retelling the Murdered Diplomat Case Except They're Both Girls This Time AKA Heiji's debut case, but I got about 8 pages into the storyboards before I realized it would be impossible within the exchange's time frame. The Murdered Diplomat case is really really long, even if I cut everything about the case out LMAO... here's what I had if anyone is curious!

It was already sprawling by my standards here. We're on page 8 and Heiji has nary shown her face in the Mouri Detective Agency (also boy Kazuha is there? The part with the details of the case was supposed to be sort of timelapsed through a bunch of texts Kazuha sent Heiji because he was worried about where she was) So in my desperation I tried redoing it from page 7 to be more concise:

This was the point where I was officially like yeah this is not happening this is going to take one william pages at this rate and I just am not going to have the time to do that!! So I scrapped it and started working on the final product you see up there.

(BTW IT'S REAL!! about 80-90% of the comic actually exists in the real world!! I actually drew and inked it physically this time!)

I had really WANTED to retell the Murdered Diplomat Case because I would have been able to totally recontextualize Heiji and Shinichi's relationship, because I do think it would have been kind of different.

For one, I think Heiji's adoration of Shinichi would have had a more desperate quality to it. Between the two of them, Shinichi is definitely the more self-assured one of the two. With her laissez-faire parents who just does whatever they want, I'm sure they would have been fine with letting Shinichi pursue her detective dreams (though I'm sure Yukiko's even more sad about Shinichi not being a child actress </3 whatever though who cares about that), and so she's more confident that it's something she can be.

Heiji on the other hand comes from a more traditional family. I think her parents would highly disapprove of her detective pursuits, and as a result she becomes a more rebellious child-- but one who harbors a deep insecurity about whether she's doing the right thing or not, even if she knows she wants it.

When Shinichi vanishes off the radar, it's more than just a person that Heiji's developed an intense parasocial relationship with going off the grid, it's an entire nail in the coffin of the idea that being a female high school detective is something that's possible at all. That's why she's so desperate to find Shinichi-- she needs assurance that this hiatus that Shinichi is taking is not because society or the world put her into her place and made her quit doing this, but because of... something else. It has to be something else.

This I think would really bleed into how Heiji ends up treating Conan. In canon Heiji's super dismissive of Conan, initially only treating his as a nuisance on the crime scene before he figures out that he's Shinichi, despite the fact he no doubt was in those shoes a decade ago. But because of the continual pushback from her parents, the officers on the scene, and friends (cough boy kazuha), the struggle of being treated like she isn't supposed to be there on the crime scene is much fresher in her mind. She sees herself in Conan much more than he does in canon.

So I guess all I'm saying is that I think Heiji would have been nicer to Conan in my retelling LOLLL

As for what's going on in the comic I actually posted... well, you know, this wasn't my first choice precisely because I don't think it's necessarily gendered as much? Like, I can see this playing out if they were both still guys as well, maybe even more. After all, girls in general are more able to be physically affectionate with each other while suffering fewer consequences.

At the same time though I think Shinichi has an intense "not like other girls" thing going on. This whole thing is actually a subset of my genderbend universe where the whole teenage cast gets swapped and actually it was originally me just wanting girl Shinichi to comfort boy Ran (but badly because she's lowkey kinda autistic and not great at that...) as his parents got divorced LMAOOO. But anyways it would mean that Shinichi's closest friends are... Sonoko and Ran? Who are both guys...

So I think she would intentionally distance herself from that physical affection girls are able to have. She feels like if she indulges in that, then everyone else will take her less seriously and think "oh she's just a girl after all" and all the negative connotations of not being as capable or as smart as she actually is. In my head, she associates physical affection with being manhandled as a kid.

Another thing I kind of waffled on was... what should Heiji and Shinichi call each other? And maybe it's a bit of a weird choice for them to still refer to each other by last name but like. Hear me out.

I think to refer to each other by their last names is a token of respect, especially from Heiji to Shinichi. He keeps slipping up in canon and accidentally calling him Kudo, and while I do agree that part of it is him being careless and possibly inconsiderate to some degree, I also think... he really wants to call him Kudo? Like, this is someone he deeply respects. He wants to be professional equals to him more than he wants to be friends at the start, but never was able to actually GET that kind of relationship due to contrived circumstances of Shinichi getting shrunk. He can't call Conan "Edogawa", that's weird as fuck, so he has to wait until Conan's back to being Shinichi to even begin calling him "Kudo" for real. I think he'd really relish it, as a long-time-coming kind of thing, and I don't think it's any different as girls. In fact I'd argue it's even more intense because of that.

These two characters are both in such an intense hurry to grow up. Hell, Shinichi even dislikes it in canon when his mother calls him Shin-chan, and I think it's because he feels like this diminishes his self-perception as a "grown person". All the more since they're girls: I think this type of affectionate, diminutive name-calling would have been used against them to try to coax them away from crime scenes they wanted to be at. Like, "Oh, come on~ You're just a little girl, you shouldn't be here, Hei-chan~", something like that.

I think this is sort of an implicitly understood undercurrent that lies between them. If we have nobody else in the world who respects us we at least have each other. So when Heiji tries to push their relationship a bit, tries to become more than just friends, Shinichi sees this as a betrayal in some ways. Even if she rationally knows that Heiji isn't trying to belittle her, she can't help but conflate her recent experiences as a little girl again with how Heiji treats her now in the comic.

This whole thing could have been avoided if Heiji was more straightforward about her intentions btw but of course see above careless and possibly inconsiderate PLUS he's also kind of a tsundere character like everyone in detco when it comes to the person he likes so. inevitable... </3

Anyways thank you for reading all of this nonsense. Originally this comic was going to be longer and like, (this is a grossly incompetent summary,) they'd have a yuri makeout session in the Kudo Mansion Study. But we can't have good things in this world because there's not enough time so I only have this to show for :(((

I hope everyone likes it 👍️

[princessbrunette]

hiii princess i hope you can find inspiration in this one :)

bunny!reader getting all wet and horny after she gets all cocky and can think she can arm wrestle him. him winning so easily is hot and he notices she likes it and starts teasing her and fucks her

-👛

the best time to get silly with rafe would be after he smokes, which is why he has no problem stubbing out his joint with a smirk when you scooch up infront of him all giggly asking “rafey can we arm wrestle?”

“you really think that’s wise?” the smirk carries into his tone of voice as he adjusts himself in his seat, spreading his legs a little wider, arms folded casually over himself.

“i just think i can beat you.” you tilt your head mischievously, suppressing your laugh as he stares you down.

“oh really? alright…” he sits forward, seemingly going with the joke in good nature. rafe licks his lips, and positions his elbow on the small table between you, lightly slapping his bicep twice in gesture. “lets uh… let’s see it then.”

you feel all girlish and shy when you place your smaller, manicured hand into his larger, manlier one. he gets to adjusting the stance of your elbow, muttering something about not wanting to ‘break your damn arm’, before gripping your hand readily.

“‘kay, three two one, go.” you sing, grinning before putting all of your strength into trying to pin his arm down. unsurprisingly, his arm doesn’t move.

“are you actually trying?” he drawls, cocky as ever. you grit your teeth, throwing your weight more into your arm as you struggle in your seat. he’s not making any effort to pin you down, but not making any effort to hold you back either.

“s’not fair.” you strain, and he huffs out a quiet laugh before gently bringing your arm down— beating you. “lemme use my other arm.”

after three solid attempts, you’re pouting and your arm is sore — but you can’t help but feel effected by his casual display of strength. as you stare him down, all sulky and needy — he’s reclining in his seat, satisfied.

“you finished?” he sarks, not particularly expecting an answer. gently you scooch over, hand resting on his belt — and no words are needed once you look up at him. “yeah? it’s want want want with you, huh?” he complains, but slowly, he begins to undo his belt with one hand. the nonchalant skilfulness has you tightening your thighs together. “so what do you want? specifically?” he tries to sound bored, but you can already tell he’s hardening in his boxers.

“wanna suck it.” you mewl quietly, no louder than needed for him to hear you. he scoffs, standing above you to pull his belt from its loops all together.

“alright well uh— i’ll do you one better. why don’t you run along and grab that plug you’re so obsessed with and bend over for me. i got time today, so you’re getting double stuffed.”

[darkfluffydragon]

CRK Character Analysis and Theory: Hollyberry Cookie

Hollyberry is so, painfully overlooked. And I think it's almost by design, really. She's a cheerful, strong-willed character who's never really seen to have been really upset, other than when the truth about White Lily was revealed. Sure, there were subtle signs of her struggle, but never anything that really stuck or was obvious enough that 'it seemed important'. This led to the fandom joking around about her traumas, dismissing what she experienced and acknowledging all the Ancient's hardships, except for hers. She became the joke of the group, the "Except Hollyberry" meme.

And yeah, it's funny when looked at in a quick, general view. It's also sort of...not fair on her. She suffered the same as the other ancients, just because she doesn't scream "I'M TRAUMITISED HELP ME", it doesn't mean that she doesn't have problems.

She may not be like Pure Vanilla, who lost his entire kingdom. She may not be like Golden Cheese, who returned to everyone she loved being dead. She may not be like Dark Cacao whose son tried to kill him, or like White Lily who has to experience the maddening guilt of the consequences of her own actions, but that doesn't mean that what she does experiences should just be dismissed because they're seen as "not as drastic as the others".

Hollyberry has always been shown to be a very family and relationship-orientated person. She cares for them a lot, and visibly cherishes her relationships with all her friends and family. It is her shame of being incapable of protecting them that made her flee, she deemed herself unworthy of being able to protect them. or calling herself not just her family's protector, but her kingdom's protector. This happened after she watched Pure Vanilla basically sacrifice himself to save them and the rest of Earthbread from Dark Enchantress, which she didn't. couldn't do anything to help. And she had been gone for so long, that the Hollyberry Kingdom had to start a contest to try and find a new heir. That entire time, did Hollyberry blame herself for "her failures? For the entirety of however long the period between the Dark Flour Wars was, to the present day?

Eventually, though, she does come back. She comes back and saves her kingdom from Pitaya again, so all is well. Right? Except not really? I've already mentioned that she's a family-oriented person. She defeated Pitaya with the help of Princess Cookie (and Knight Cookie), Princess Cookie who she basically missed her entire childhood of. She never got to see Princess Cookie grow up. The family lost Tiger Lily Cookie while she was gone, and she couldn't do anything. Because she wasn't there. Once again, she has failed them.

She's the Queen Mother again, she's come back and is the hero again with the shield and she defeated Pitaya Cookie once again. She got everything back, without getting any consequences from her disappearance. Pitaya returned because she had abandoned her kingdom. She's the 'hero again' and 'got her shield back again' because she threw them away in the first place. They lost Tiger Lily Cookie and they still haven't found her granddaughter, yet somehow the kingdom sees fit to call her the Queen Mother.

She may have all of this, but does Hollyberry actually think she deserves all of this? Is this not all stuff she would feel she should blame herself for? That she should feel guilt and shame for? Hollyberry has gotten her status back, but she hasn't gotten back the one thing that she cherishes the most. That is the close relationship she had with her family, because of just how long she's been gone. Like, during their reunion? Royalberry personally regarded Hollyberry only one time. The first time he'd seen his mother in who knows how long, and it was him questioning if it really was her or not. Almost like they're just...close strangers. To me, it didn't seem like a familial relationship or a reunion. Probably because that entire part was mostly focused on them talking to Princess, with Hollyberry in the background despite showing up finally for the first time in forever!

Despite the episode being about her, it felt like she didn't belong.

Moving on from the alienation within her own family, I think her drinking problem is really, really overlooked. Seriously, her fondness for drinking is one of her most notable character traits, often portrayed as a part of her hearty and celebratory nature. But there's a fine line between enjoying the drinks in moderation and using it as a coping mechanism. She drinks so much, that Wildberry Cookie is asked to watch over her and monitor her (presumably by Jungleberry as stated in the Legend of the Red Dragon storyline. Also, the fact that a third party has to be the one to ask, and be concerned about her drinking habits??? That it wasn't even her own son, that it was her son's wife. That Jungleberry decided to help, intervene not through confrontation, but indirectly through someone else.)

She drank so much, she literally had a goblet that would never run out of berry juice!

("Hollyberry Cookie's Never-drying Goblet: A goblet that is always filled with berry juice, full-bodied and fragrant. It gets refilled the very next instant one takes their sip, hence the "never-drying.")

Hollyberry drinks so much, in the past and now, that even her friends and the people who know her dismiss her actions and go as far as to even just assume that what she does in her free time, is drink berry juice.

Hollyberry's frequent indulgence could be seen as a means of numbing the emotional pain she feels, particularly in response to her failures and feelings of inadequacy. Her idealisation as a hero, protector, and "Queen Mother" might place immense pressure on her to appear unbreakable, pushing her to hide her vulnerabilities behind her jovial personality and a tankard of berry juice.

It's confirmed that when adventuring, she used to take on an alias name. Take on a different identity, hiding who she is as Hollyberry (the legendary hero, the ancient cookie, the queen of a kingdom), to simply be Sweet Pinkberry Cookie. This felt the need to use another name when travelling, Tarte Tartin Cookie knew her as Sweet Pinkberry Cookie, and the Dragon City knew her as Sweet Pinkberry Cookie, she specifically instructed Wildberry to keep her true name a secret and to call her by her alias while within the city. This could have been a method she used to have used to escape her duties and expectations as "Hollyberry Cookie", which had been tied to her name. Her responsibilities definitely weigh down on her, and it seems like her method of dealing with them is to run away. Whether it is through drinks, or through physically hiding who she is and leaving for an adventure. This is ironic, considering her CRK skill is quite literally her charging forward with her shield.

It is through obligation, and her will to protect those she cares about, like Princess and Knight during the Hollyberry Palace story, that she stands strong and firm as a shield. That's what she's passionate about.

Hollyberry’s coping mechanisms are more subtle but no less significant. Her drinking, cheerful facade, and detached family life all suggest an internal struggle that is often dismissed due to her strong appearance. Her trauma is less about obvious scars and more about the quieter toll of endless battles, unspoken regrets, and the pressure to remain a symbol of strength.

The way Hollyberry is perceived reflects a common issue in storytelling: characters who don’t display their trauma in overtly painful ways can be seen as having “less” to deal with. However, Hollyberry’s struggles with alienation and possibly self-medicating behaviour reveal a more subtle picture of a hero who, despite her laughter and strength, is quietly weighed down by the guilt she feels.

Now, into more...theorising territory. Specifically, how I think Eternal Sugar's story will go.

Hollyberry's drinking and avoidance are not just coping mechanisms; they also tie into the theme of sloth in a...nuanced way. Sloth is traditionally understood as laziness or a reluctance to act (WHICH CAN BE SEE IN THE HOLLYBERRY PALACE STORY), which can also manifest as emotional avoidance and a failure to confront difficult truths (GET OUT OF HER PURE VANILLA THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU still love you though <3). For Hollyberry, her drinking and retreat from her responsibilities reflect a deeper avoidance of her guilt and emotional turmoils. Rather than addressing the pain of failing to protect her family and friends, she withdraws from it, numbing herself with berry juice and pretending that everything is alright.

She seeks solace in alcohol, allowing herself to temporarily escape the weight of her responsibilities. While drinking may seem harmless on the surface, it represents the passive avoidance of the emotional work needed to heal and make amends. This is where sloth comes into play. It is not the lack of physical activity or courage since Hollyberry is brave and strong, but rather a reluctance to face uncomfortable emotions.

Her drinking can also be seen as a way of slipping into complacency, allowing herself to remain stuck in a cycle of self-pity and guilt, rather than taking active steps to repair the damage done to her family relationships. The choice to rely on alcohol becomes an act of sloth, where it's easier to drown her sorrows and pretend they don't exist than confront them.

Each trial the Ancients had gone through so far had been related to the Beasts and their previous virtues. Pure Vanilla learnt Knowledge about the witches, about the beasts, about White Lily, and had to face a cruel mental quiz by Shadow Milk. Dark Cacao had a battle of will as he travelled up a seemingly endless journey, and had to keep his resolution as he watched all the people he cherishes fade into flour. While for Golden Cheese, it isn't clear yet what it is her trial will be, there has been quite a literal sense of destruction for her (cough cough 🍗 cough cough), and with her hiding the Soulcheese and all she cares about in a vault to avoid having them be destroyed in the following battle against Burning Spice Cookie). It would be safe to assume that the trial Hollyberry would have to go through would be emotional by nature as well, which conveniently fits the issues currently being discussed.

The theme of sloth in her character arc highlights how emotional avoidance can lead to great suffering, not just for herself but for those around her. By choosing not to face her pain, Hollyberry leaves her family to suffer the consequences of her absence, most notably the loss of Tiger Lily Cookie. Her Sloth is not just about failing to act physically, but about failing to engage with her emotional responsibilities. She allowed her guilt to paralyze her, keeping her from returning to her family and from offering the protection and love she knew they needed. Though this has been resolved, the emotional difficulties haven't, and rather, they've all been glossed over.

I believe that Eternal Sugar will use this against her, as her virtue is Happiness. In relation to sloth, happiness can sometimes be a way to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or responsibilities. Rather than actively pursuing genuine fulfilment, one might settle for a superficial, temporary happiness that prevents them from engaging with deeper, more challenging aspects of their life. This type of happiness can be slothful, as it involves choosing the path of least resistance, avoiding discomfort or personal growth. This fits in perfectly with Hollyberry's use of alcohol, avoidance, and happy attitude,

For Hollyberry, real happiness would come from reconnecting with her family, healing from her guilt, and accepting responsibility for her actions. By avoiding these challenges, she sacrifices the possibility of deeper happiness in favour of a shallow, slothful contentment. The cost of this avoidance is not only her own emotional well-being but also the relationships that matter most to her, as her absence leads to greater harm for her loved ones. In order to overcome Eternal Sugar, she'll need to learn to finally confront these problems. Finally learn to properly heal, and not rely on the berry juice to solve her problems.

[krems-chair]

Daily Dose of Solas-Posting Time/just a love of what love can achieve I guess?

I think a lot of people in this fan space struggle to distinguish the apparently very blurred line between "oh look, this poster likes Solas and must therefore condone murder to achieve one's goals", and "rad, she understands that this is a game in which characters do things she would never approve of in real life but given the fact that these are all tiny people on a screen she enjoys extrapolating larger themes"

And for those of you in that second camp how freaking beautiful is it that we get to see one of the oldest saddest elves go on an absolute bender and still get the chance to make things right because he has a friend/lover who knows his heart and refuses to let him hide from it any longer.

Varric disapproves of trying to save him at the end of Trespasser and clearly at some point within the next eight years goes "you know what? This sassy nerdy passionate guy was my friend once and I believe in what he could be if he gives up on the self-destructive path he's chosen"

Harding struggles to fathom what the Inquisitor sees in a disingenuous clefted egg but knows that if nothing else she trusts her friends and for all my critiques of Veilguard I do think Bellara gets a baller of a line with the "trust your heart, it is a good one" banger. Harding may not know exactly how she feels about Solas (and yeah that is so fair) but she knows the Inquisitor's heart is a good one, and if they're trying to save him, she trusts it. She chooses to believe that in an ever-darkening world there is power in restoring a little bit of light.

Your Inquisitor has the option to be like "wow this guy was my friend, occasional confidante (and potentially the most brutal love of my life), fought alongside me and guarded my life as I guarded his, and spoke so wistfully of things I did not understand at the time but now realize came from a place of deep grief. The way he's acting now stems from hurt and trauma and I know it'd be easier to just stab him with his own dagger but what if what if what if..."

And if you're able to look at his story at its simplest (if you're able to see past the broken man and into the spirit of wisdom he once was, if you will) it's really just the grandest version of pre-EA Bioware's bread and butter theme for at least a few companions per game: even the most broken people are capable of changing themselves and ultimately the world for the better if those who can reach out a hand do. And the Inquisitor only has the one hand to reach out, in fact they only have that one hand because of the very man they're hunting down, but if they can find it in themselves to extend it, damn. It brings a broken man back to his feet after an absolutely brutal confrontation of his past and helps him stand tall and face what's coming next in a way he wouldn't have been capable of otherwise. It lets Solas, who is at his absolute lowest, know that someone he strongly admires, who can relate to the challenges he once faced as the young leader of a massive movement, sees the parts of him that just want to do what's right but can't quite remember how anymore.

And to someone who hasn't fought in a war or forged the tools that wrecked entire civilizations, sure maybe that wouldn't hit as hard. But who amongst us hasn't betrayed the core of who we are to make others happy and regretted it? Who hasn't charged down a path that sent thorns digging into their skin with every step because to stop and turn back means facing everything they've done to get there? Means admitting they were wrong? Who hasn't hit a low and crawled their way back to themselves again because that hand came down and refused to let go?

To someone like that, like me, it can make all the difference in the world to see it go down on that tiny little screen.

Mmmmm there's just so much power in having even one person who sees you self-destructing at your worst and goes "not on my watch" and I love that most of these games have brought us such beautifully simple yet meaningful ideas in so many different ways.

[jesncin]

Okay, I'll bite, what are your feelings on the trans conner pitch?

Oh boy! Thank you for tossing me this bone because I have a lot of mixed feelings!

I notice that people online are very hot and cold about the Trans Superboy Pitch, they either love it or hate it and that doesn't leave a lot of room for nuance + discussion. So to be respectful to a fellow trans peer in the industry, I want to do a fair review/analysis of Skyrocket: the trans Conner Kent pitch by Magdalene Visaggio.

My general takeaway from the pitch is that I like the premise, but the details fumble the execution for me. I can really feel from reading the pitch that Visaggio cares about Superboy. She understands that he's a very weird legacy character who has struggled to find proper footing in the DC Universe after all these years. An effective legacy character is one who is able to spin off and expand upon the themes of the character whose mantle they carry. But the cheesy whatever-goes 90's-ness of Superboy's original run didn't give future writers a lot to work with in terms of a Superman Legacy Character.

It's why I genuinely believe the later retcon reveal that -part of Conner's DNA is from Lex Luthor- is a fantastic addition to his character. It takes a character who was just kind of screwing off to gentrify Hawaii back into the center of Superman's good vs evil conflict. But now Conner's problem is that his story is too tied to his origin and Superman's shadow. Placing Conner with the Kents in Smallville afterwards made him narratively redundant. What's next for him?

So let's dig into the pitch!

I like what's at the heart of this pitch. It's a very season-3-ATLA-Zuko "honor wasn't all it's cracked up to be" arc and I think that suits Conner's character really well! It's the details I have gripes with:

"Conner has been largely relegated to the Jason Todd of the Superfamily" oof, haha that's not a particularly fair characterization.

The constant comparing of Superman to Christian imagery. He's described as basically "Jesus goddamn Christ" in the pitch. The Tyrannical Kryptonians are named Saint, Shepherd and Savior. No surprise I don't like seeing a character who allegorically represented Jewish immigrants to be constantly compared to Christian imagery and deified.

It's inevitable with pitching to the company, but the pitch is bogged down by a lot of convoluted plot points. I get that it's necessary to pitch event tie-ins and universe hopping shenanigans, but it's a lot.

Leland feels like a plot device in this. I'm sure there were plans to flesh out the brotherly clone relationship between him and Conner so that he can feel like his own character, but from the summary he just kind of revolves around Conner the way the pitch describes Conner revolving around Superman. Oops!

Conner's relation to Luthor and Superman works as a story about legacy, bloodlines and the things parents pass down to their kids. It's best when handled thematically and not literally because it's easy to get into essentialist "good genes" vs "evil genes" near-eugenics talking points. Unfortunately this pitch has a lot of that vibe. Leland has more Lex genes so he's super smart. Conner and Leland are able to start a schism in the Future Tyrannical Kryptonian House by "proving their truer genetic link to the original Superman, unsullied by thousands of years of tinkering" thereby gaining allies. Not great!

The part where Conner wants to find "his own Metropolis" by moving to Dripping Springs, Texas. That's Jinny Hex's field of operations, so is it really his own space? I would've just given Conner a new town so he can better stand on his own and build out a unique cast system.

Okay let's talk about the trans stuff!

I get that it makes for an Iconic Visual Superhero Moment, but I really don't like the part where Conner steps through a magical crystal and pops out the other side as a trans woman. It robs her of having that discovery on her own. The pitch says "I believe that this is as natural a move as Iceman's coming out". And just?? Man, remember when Jean Grey read Iceman Bobby Drake's mind and robbed him of his agency by outing him through that invasion of privacy? For a pitch all about Conner's journey of defining herself, it weirdly robbed her of that moment.

The pitch does such a good job talking about how Conner feels like her whole life revolves around Superman and how pointless wanting to be Superman feels now that Jon Kent has taken the mantle. She has Clark's genes, goes to Clark's hometown school, is raised by Clark's parents and all that. So then why is she eventually named after the women in Clark's life? Constance "Connie" Lara Kent. Clark's Kryptonian mom and human grandma? Was the world so small that she could not name herself after anyone else or come up with a new name? Connie doesn't even get to name herself, her new name is one Martha Kent bestows her with. It's hypocritical, and doesn't have the same impact that Superman giving Superboy a Kryptonian name does.

Speaking of which, this right here is my biggest gripe. It's not in the pitch itself but?? Wait- why go on about how Conner deserves a name that's not given to her and then turn around and make Martha name her? Sure, Connie comes up with the superhero name "Skyrocket" herself but surely she also deserves to name herself considering the thesis the pitch built up about self discovery and agency right?

Also with all due respect, this is the whitest queer take on Conner's identity. I wish white trans people could understand that you can have multiple true names that reflect different parts of you.

When Clark gives Superboy the name "Kon-El" it matters that it's given. It ties so well to the idea of familial acceptance into a nearly-extinct culture. You wouldn't know how to reclaim that part of your identity when that culture's been wiped out, so of course it's an honor to be trusted with a name that preserves Krypton's culture. This is a common practice with diaspora reclaiming cultural names from closed cultures, they are gifted their names by someone more culturally connected. I think the pitch having Martha name Connie is trying to echo this, but it doesn't hit the same without that cultural context. It also undercuts the genuine joy Conner felt from finally having a name he truly identifies with. Conner was only ever referred to as Superboy before then. When Clark gives him the name Kon El, Conner cries out that Kon El is his "real name". It's one of his defining moments, and to have that be diminished by saying "It's still a name someone else gave him" is so disappointing.

Then there's the design.

This is gonna lean more into preference, but I'm not the biggest fan of this design! I get what it's going for but it has too much going on everywhere. It also doesn't have that proto-punk look original Conner had, so it ends up not feeling like him. It's too superhero, and not enough casual-wear-on-a-supersuit that Conner sports really well. I see how it fits in with the everyone-in-Superfam-is-wearing-jackets-era, but I also think those new designs don't look good either. Especially Supergirl's. I feel like Conner should be more punk post transition. No respectability beam for her!

Also the name Skyrocket? It's giving knock off-brand toy vibes to me I'm sorry D: People on twidder suggested Supernova and that sounds way better! Even Visaggio stated she prefers that name so you can't be mad at me for this.

Overall big conclusion feelings!

I've been following Visaggio's work for a while because it's awesome seeing trans people getting picked up in comics. While there are some things about her writing I like, for the most part I've felt like her work isn't my cup of tea. I tried reading up a bunch of interviews she's in to try to understand why her writing wasn't clicking with me, and what I discovered is that we have fundamentally different approaches to queer storytelling.

From Paste Magazine. I get where she's coming from, trans characters deserve to have multi-faceted narratives that don't overly center how they're othered at the expense of further characterization. But also? I just actually find the interior lives of queer people and identity interesting. I like writing the kind of escapism and joy that's informed by surviving and inheriting hardships rather than erasing those things or skipping past it. I think this is why Connie is robbed of her trans discovery in the pitch. Why we don't get to watch her grapple with gender identity in a political way. Queer stories about queer struggles are considered archaic and unnecessary nowadays. It's part of the escapism Visaggio values in her work; to give a place of respite for trans readers from the cruelty they experience in reality, but I don't connect to stories like that personally. Whenever I try to share queer Indonesian art and writing with my peers, I'm often told it's too painful to look at. That our pain doesn't fit the modern expectation for happy, empowering queer stories. "trans people get enough hardships in real life, they don't need that in their fiction" Visaggio still talks about her newest projects like this btw.

I'd love to see a take on Conner that more holistically continues the political immigrant themes of Superman. The white parts of fandom love interpreting Conner's identity crisis as primarily a queer struggle, but it's also one of a person grappling with his mixed heritage. He's a diaspora kid separated by a generation away from Krypton. He has yet to make peace with the Luthor side of his identity, one borne of generational trauma and resentment for one's roots. Instead of a take where his queerness separates him from the pressures of legacy, I want to see a Conner take that has themes that are intersectional about his mixed diaspora and queer identity. I want his superficial punk aesthetic to graduate into actual punk ideals. The anti-establishment and radical love philosophies of punk culture would make such a cool extension of Superman themes and it would make so much sense that someone facing so many intersections of marginalization would be radicalized from their experience. I want a queer Conner who isn't just empowering and idealistic, I want one that also gives space for queer readers to feel like their pain is seen too. Conner isn't "Truth, Justice and the American Way" he's famously "Truth, Justice, My Way".

There's a tendency in media criticism to treat marginalized talent as infallible, and I don't think that fair to creatives like Visaggio. Being able to look at their ideas with nuance instead of essentializing it as being Good or Trash is the best way to respect diverse creativity. And my nuanced feelings are that a white queer person who looks at Conner's story and just sees the queer part and dismisses the diaspora mixed heritage side of him,,, is not going to give me the Conner story I want to see.

[promitto-amor]

Should Something Happen

Pairing: Mark Hoffman x You

Summary: While working as Jigsaw Apprentices, Amanda spoils some quality bonding time between yourself and Hoffman.

Warnings: Cursing!

Might this actually be a little bit of fluff? I wanted to do something involving the main Jigsaw crew and a protective Hoffman. 👀

Perhaps the only aspect of being an apprentice Mark enjoyed was the opportunity to work alongside you. Every trap crafted, every game played and every eventual death led Mark one step closer to his freedom. A life no longer in servitude for an impulsive act of vengeance. Mark had always struggled to quell his impulsiveness. It made him good in the field, Mark had earned a fair share of promotions for his quick actions, but his greatest mistake had cost him almost a year of servitude to Jigsaw himself. Until his sentence was up, until mark could be certain both John Kramer and his helper monkey were dead, he would carry out his part in the games with minimal complaint. In the meantime, he could find a steady contentment in watching the slackened, dream-like expression on your face as you fiddled with some shards of broken glass. 

“Careful,” Mark finds himself saying, “It’s not intended to spill your blood.”

You drop the shards back into the glass coffin and wander back to the workbench you’ve commandeered as a desk, “There’s so many traps,” You whine and if it were anyone else Mark would be grinding his teeth together. You flip your notebook onto a fresh page, “Who is this one for again?”

“I try not to make a habit of remembering names.” Mark answers, “Once you name something you get attached.”

You nod, “You’re right.” You pick up your pencil and hover it over the page. “Sadly I don’t have that luxury.” Mark keeps one eye on you as he cleans up his workbench, placing a set of screwdriver heads back in their assigned places. You think for a couple more minutes, your expression growing more pained till you drop the pencil again. “How can I write the tape for someone I know barely anything about?”

“Don’t ask me,” Mark says. “I’ve never been one for words.”

You give him a shrewd look, as if confirming his words. “You have special uses.” You say, jumping off your stool and heading over to a stack of boxes, freshly delivered.

“Oh yeah, like what?”

You send him a small smile, “Brawn, muscle, inside info…” 

“Is that all I am?” Mark can’t help the flicker of irritation he feels, “A meathead?”

“No,” You return to him, catching on you may have offended him. “You…” A couple teeth sink into your lip, “You’re the only one whose behaving.” 

Mark glances towards the open door, connecting the room to the rest of the Nerve Gas House, “Go on.”

You turn cagey, “Ever since Mexico…”

“Ah,” Mark nods, “Say no more.”

“I don’t like what I’ve been hearing.” You admit, “The aim of all this was never revenge.”

“Was it not?” Mark enjoys how your head lifts up to meet his gaze, “Was that not why you got mixed up in all this?”

You fix him with eyes of steel, “Maybe…” You admit, “But not anymore. Seems we’re cut from the same cloth, Detective.”

Mark likes how you say his title, pronouncing every syllable distinctly, “You don’t know me. Not really.”

“Maybe we should work on that?”

Something gives a leap inside Mark. Before he can answer you’re back at the delivery boxes and Amanda is thudding through the door. Her steel toe capped boots echo on the wood, little patches of dust springing up where she steps. She pauses on catching Mark stood in the centre of the room, “Admiring my work?” She asks, tilting her head.

“I thought John made this one?” You pipe up, before Mark can.

“He did.” Mark confirms, “That’s why this one has some refinement.”

“But it was my idea to add the…” Amanda’s points to the walls and then places her hands a couple inches apart. She presses them together slowly, applying pressure. The visual is enough for Mark to look away.

You busy yourself with the boxes again, “There’s nothing but syringes.” You take out one to show the two apprentices.

Mark tosses you a pair of gloves, “Put them on, they probably aren’t clean.”

You make a face and drop the syringe you’re holding, “Great. I’m going to need a check-up after this.”

“Be thankful you’re not the poor bastard diving in there.” Amanda smirks, heading over to inspect the coffin trap. “Is this one done yet?”

“Just needs a couple tests,” Mark says. “Any volunteers?”

“You first.” Amanda holds her arms up as if she’s a presenter, “Get in there, Detective.”

“What about you, babe?” Amanda slinks over to you and throws an arm around your shoulders, “The glass isn’t in yet, it’ll be like taking a good nap.”

“Stop trying to scare her.” Mark’s voice comes out with more bite than he expected. 

Amanda’s eyes flash, “Why you protective all of a sudden, Hoffman?”

Mark would never confess to the bitch before him, but he’s made a mistake and Amanda knows it. “We’re not testing anything without John here.”

Amanda makes a noncommittal noise.

“If John approves it, I’ll test it.” You offer, “I trust him.” Amanda jumps back into performance mode, “Aren’t they precious?”

“If you put this on.” You gingerly remove from another box a very familiar contraption and hold it out for Amanda to see. Mark grins behind Amanda’s back. He can just picture the colour draining from her face. Amanda doesn’t move as you walk past her with the Reverse Bear Trap in hand, “Very funny.” She calls, trying to reclaim some of her bravado.

“I thought so.” You counter, placing the device on the workbench.

Amanda’s scowl only becomes more prominent the longer she stares at her old trap, “Why is that here?” “Inventory.” You supply, “Or so I’m guessing.”

“Something old can always be re-used.” John wheels himself into the room. Wheelchair bound, he surveys the glass coffin standing pride of place in the middle of the room. “Is Laura’s test finished?”

“Almost,” Mark busies himself with checking over the gears situated behind the coffin.

“Laura,” You repeat, scribbling something on your pad. “I couldn’t for the life of me remember.”

John appears amused at your choice of words, “Writer’s block?” You look up as John wheels himself over to you. The Reverse Bear Trap is sat just a few feet away, Mark doesn’t like how close you are to something so barbaric. With you showing John your tape speeches and Mark still preoccupied with the gears, Amanda sulks in the middle. She makes her way over to Mark’s toolbox and grabs a wrench, right in John’s line of sight. Mark thinks it’s pathetic behaviour, how co-dependent she’s become since Mexico. He can see that your worries were justified. She makes her way over to the trap, but Mark has left her with nothing to do.

“There’s one glaring issue I see with this entire game,” You say in a low voice. You glance over to Amanda, “Won’t they all get suspicious if every one of them has a trap but her?”

“What did you say?”

“Amanda,” John cautions as his apprentice as she wheels round on the spot.

“I just worry that something will happen.” You say, closing your notebook and leaning against the workbench. “Are you really betting on all them failing and Daniel just being the last one left alive?”

“He doesn’t have a trap either.” Amanda points out, “I’m not the only one.”

“He isn’t being tested.” John states simply, “That is why you are there, Amanda. To protect him.” He turns back to you, “Nor is Amanda being tested.”

‘I still think we should put something in there.” You hold up your hands, “I think it’s foolish to leave it to chance.”

“Not if you can predict the outcome.”

Mark has heard it all before from John Kramer. He knows your attempts are futile, so he finishes up his work on the coffin and with nothing else to do, makes his way to the door. “I’m done for the night.”

“Thank you, Mark.” John says, “The game begins tomorrow. I presume you’ll be in position?”

“On the monitors.” He nods.

He’s been excused. Mark should go home and rest up for a long day ahead tomorrow. But he can’t quite bring himself to leave. John has resumed helping you with writing out the tape for the trap, but Mark doesn’t like how Amanda won’t leave the two of you alone. Her new behaviour has made him protective. Mark would have liked you to finish up at the same time as him. Perhaps he could offer to drop you home and they could work on getting to know each other.

“You want to put me in that.”

You, John and Mark all turn to Amanda, “What?” You ask.

Amanda nods, “That.” She points to the Reverse Bear Trap, “You want that to be my test. You want me to do it again?”

John glances imperceptibly to Mark. He swallows, so John shares their concern about his favourite apprentice. “Do you know how stupid you sound?” Mark cuts in, taking up what he hopes is a casual position beside you. “Everyone knows you already escaped it. 24/7 news coverage.” You’re still leaning against the workbench as Amanda walks around it, her eyes fixed on you as if you were prey. 

“It’s not a bad idea,” You taunt, “Some poetic justice”, but Amanda doesn’t find it clever. 

She shoves the Reverse Bear Trap toward you, “You don’t deserve to be here.” She hisses. Mark swears he can hear a ticking sound as you brace your arms on the table, “Of all the people to win, it had to be you didn’t it?” “Fair and square.” You return and Mark finds himself wondering for the umpteenth time just what your own game was. Before Amanda, before Mark himself joined Jigsaw, you were tested and won. His eyes fall on the scar on your neck, all that remains of your own brush with death.

“Use your brain,” You counter and your face is far too close to the trap as you glare back at Amanda Young. “You’d have to wake up in it, or someone would have to put you in it. I don’t think either of those are going to work in this game.”

“How about you wake up in it, you bitch?”

Mark’s hands snake around your middle and yank you back just as the trap rips open with a loud bang. The ferocity makes both you and Amanda jump. You would have fallen off your stool if not for Mark’s chest breaking your fall. He can feel the sharp breaths you take as the Reverse Bear Trap cools down and lies dormant once more.

“Amanda, take the trap and put it in my office.” John says. His apprentice turns wide, teary eyes on him, but John’s face is expressionless. “Now.”

She obeys instantly, taking the trap and striding out of the room.

Mark slides you back onto your stool, “Thank you.” You murmur, hand jumping instinctively to your neck.

“Are you alright?” John asks and you nod. Mark can see right through you, he could feel the tremors of your body against his. That was a close call. 

“She’s out of line, John.” Mark says, “I don’t know what the fuck happened over there, but it’s messed with her.”

“Amanda will be fine.” John insists, “She will play her part, so long as she isn’t provoked.” You nod, understanding your own fault but Mark refuses to admit to his own. “Now Detective, I believe we’re finished here. I will see you both tomorrow for the final preparations.”

Mark watches John wheel himself out. The moment he’s gone you rest your forearms on the workbench and place your head on them. You let out a deep sigh. Mark’s never been good at consoling anyone. It’s just not what he does. Not since Angelina…

He spots your fallen notebook and places it beside you, “Need a ride home?” “I don’t think I want to go home.” You say, your voice weak.

“You don’t want to stay here.” Mark says, “You can’t anyway. They all…arrive tomorrow.”

“How can you do that?” You lift up your head, “How can you willingly put people in here knowing they will probably die?” Mark meets your eyes, “I convince myself they deserve to suffer.”

“You don’t lie awake thinking about it?”

“No,” He’s being honest. “I think it’s one less shitty person out there.”

“Then you must think that about me.” You push some hair out of your eyes and wrap your arms around yourself. “I’m not…you know what I did-“

“And you know what I did.” Mark takes you by your forearms, “Do you think I’m a monster?”

Your eyes dart around the room and then land on the glass coffin, “Sometimes.” Mark allows himself time to digest that, it isn’t what he wanted to hear. But your hands come to rest on his own forearms and then you’re pressing your forehead into his chest, “But you make me feel safe. You help me.”

He didn’t expect to earn such close proximity again, this time deliberately. Mark pulls you closer, your hands slide up to rest on his chest and Mark curses his choice to remain in a jacket. Your warmth is tantalising as it seeps into him. Mark tucks you into his large frame and winds his arms back around you.

It feels good to be wanted.

With your face smushed into him, Mark rests his head atop yours. He doesn’t know what else he can do, so he lets his eyes close. “We can look out for each other.” He proposes, “Should something happen.”

“I’d like that.”

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- Johnathan Ross Show 2

Part 50

2015

“Welcome back guys” Johnathan welcomes us as we all sit on the sofa with Michael Mcintyre. I sit in between Louis and Liam “now you’ve just finished your fourth world tour, what is it that you miss when your away and when your finished you think right now I have the time to do this”

“I miss my dog cookie a lot and honestly by the end of tour I just want to get home to her”

“Who looks after her while you’re on tour?”

“She lives between my dad and friend Emma”

“What about the rest of you?”

“I miss a fridge. You don’t realise how much you miss it while living in hotel rooms for months” Liam says leaning on his hand

“Erm I like to play football when I’m back at home. We don’t get a lot of free time on tour so yeah I just like to have a kick around” Louis replies to the question

“I think it’s probably sleeping in different beds. It nice to sleep in your own” the audience all laugh, Harry realises what he’s said and get up off the sofa and begins to walk off

“I agreed with ya” Niall says

“I think we all agree but most of us don’t get the chance” Johnathan says to us making everyone laugh “and Niall for you except for that answer”

“I guess home cooking. Like your mums cooking and stuff like that”

“Now YN you’ve been getting a lot of hate recently in the press. Do you ever wish that this didn’t happen, that you never went on the X-Factor?”

“Yes and no. It’s tough because if I didn’t, I could be in a relationship that I hate, and I wouldn’t have met these guys who are my best friends, but then there is a part of me when I get the hate that I just think what was this for?”

“How do you deal with that?”

“Erm I write, a lot, and I have a good team around me and therapy helps too”

“What about the rest of you? There must be times when you think what would it be like if we hadn’t come 3rd”

“Is that supposed to be funny or?” Louis says

“No just you’ve done well for yourselves you know what I mean? It’s like….”

“I don’t think we’d change anything” Harry looks between all of us “we all feel very lucky to have this opportunity. I know YN has struggled with the press, which I think any of us would with what’s been said, but I think if we were to wish we had done more pubs and clubs that we’d be a bit silly really”

“I mean you could do pubs and clubs, just sneak in and do a cover gig just for the hell of it”

“We could” Niall laughs a little

“Now something we need to bring up is that Zayn is missing” Jonathan says, Harry turns around as if he’s looking for him making me laugh “he’s left the band”

“Zayn is missing!” Michael shouts then gets up off his chair “has anyone seen Zayn? I’m Zayn come on” he sits back down

“Oh thank goodness I’m struggling carrying the high notes” I sigh which causes the audience to laugh

“Now it seemed quite abrupt when he left. One minute he was with you the next he was gone. What happened there?”

“You wanna answer this one Michael?” Harry asks and we all turn to look at him looking very serious

“Well yeah you know, Zayn as you all know is one of the boys, talented, he’s exceptional, he’s got it all and err we were on the road and err and to be honest the thing is, I couldn’t find the fridge. I called Liam and he said ‘Mcintyre you know there’s no fridge in hotels that why I can’t wait to get home’ so I called Harry and he could have been in any hotel so I called Zayn he basically said I’ve had enough of this and left”

“Ok no but seriously what happened?”

“I think we just all notice he wasn’t enjoying it anymore and we were and it can be intense and he wanted to be in a different place and that’s fair enough”

“YN let’s move on to you shall we. A year ago the news about you and Liam splitting up broke out, have you been single or is there been anyone else in your life? Because there’s rumours that you and Harry are or were dating then rumours that it was Zayn that’s why he left. Can you confirm or deny?”

“Erm Harry and I have had these rumours since X-Factor so that’s nothing new, but hearing that Zayn cheated on Perrie with me and I cheated on Liam with Zayn and that’s why he left is just ridiculous”

“But even Liam has said things that alluded to cheating”

“Hes clearly not over you” Micheal says trying to cut the tension

“It’s been a year now, I’ve been single and still am. I’ve been in relationships really since I was like 15 so as a young woman I want to learn about myself for now”

“Now you’ve all announced that you’re taking a break from the band, YN you announced an album coming next year. What’s the reception been like?”

“Errrm I thinks it’s very bittersweet, I’ve had a lot of fans message me that they’re excited but also sad that we’re on a break, but who knows what’s going to happen over the next few years” I shrug a little

“Your going to be very busy next year because it’s just been announced that your joining Justin Beiber on the European leg of his Purpose tour. When does that start?”

“20th August next year” the audience cheer as well as the boys

“I thought the point of a break was to relax?” Micheal says making everyone laugh

“Now we’re going to have a little break and then when we come back we’re going to play never have I ever”

“Oh god” Harry mumbles looking nervous.

“Ok we’re back and we’re going to play never have I ever. So i have these paddles. They say, never and I have” Johnathan passes the paddles down to us and he begins the questions

“I have never danced naked in the rain” I hold up never

“I have never been in the mile high club” I say never immediately

“Harry what are you waiting for we know the answer” Johnathan says and Harry throws his paddle behind him shaking his head

“I have never been naked in public” again I hold up never

“That’s choice we all have when we wake up in the morning” Micheal says

“I have never smoked a joint”

“I’m so boring” I laugh holding up never again

Michael then pretends to be Niall telling Johnathan that the paddles aren’t going to reveal anything because we’re media trained. It was actually quite funny.

“Ok taking about media trained, there’s a lot of things that get miss reported so I’ve got some stories here and I wanna see if these were true or not

“Harry was sick on the side of the road and then a fan collected the vomit and then tried to sell it on eBay. Was that true”

“I don’t know if it made it to eBay but it was a thing”

“That’s just weird. Ok next one One D singer reveals STD worries after koala bear incident”

“I think I said it as a joke and it just went to far” Liam says explaining what happened

We finish up the interview with Johnathan then make our way to our hotel room where I end up writing more of my upcoming album.

[professoruber]

Thoughts on why I like the depiction of Kara as a scientist

Source: Supergirl (2016) #8

So a bit ago I posted a poll about Kara's "day job" because I was curious. As it turns out, "Scientist Kara" was by far the most popular option of those who voted, ending up with roughly half the votes, with "Actress Kara" as a distant second place.

"Scientist Kara" was also my preference, and so this has gotten me thinking more deeply into the why of what makes "Scientist Kara" so appealing, with some help from the reasonings given by response to the poll.

So with that in mind, I figured I might make a post discussing this. Note I am not the biggest comic expert, but I am learning more bit by bit.

What Makes Kara the Scientist so appealing?

Source: World's Finest: Batwoman and Supergirl (2020) #2

I think this was the story which really sold me on the concept of Scientist Kara. I'd really recommend checking it out, but here's the gist...

Kara gets fired from her CatCo internship due to constantly leaving to do Supergirl stuff, after a dressing down from Cat Grant she flies over to the Daily Planet rooftop where she meets her cousin. Kara reminisces about Krypton (as shown in the snapshot above) and reveals (after Clark questions her) that she only became a reporter because Clark is one and she doesn't even like the job. After being reassured by Clark that she could never leave in his shadow and how they all have to find their own paths, she ends up attending a S.T.A.R Labs job fair with a much more optimistic attitude.

This story quite firmly establishes science as something that is hers, an activity which she enjoyed.

Pursuing a career in journalism is something, by contrast, that she both struggles with and finds frustrating.

That's what I found so appealing, I think. Kara being a scientist in this context means allowing herself to follow her own path rather than just seek to live up to the legacy set by Superman.

Furthermore, it can also help show the differences between the cousins and their upbringings.

Kara's Kryptonian roots

Both Superman and Supergirl are immigrant stories, but also quite different ones.

Superman is Clark Kent, even if he was born on Krypton as Kal-El and those roots are part of who is he is. Clark Kent is a Kansas farm boy, the man he is and the morals he lives are due to Ma and Pa Kent.

Supergirl is Kara Zor-El, even if she now lives on Earth as Kara Danvers/Linda Lee Danvers/Linda Lang (depending on the continunity). Kara Zor-El is generally 15 when arriving on Earth (I believe) and so spent those years growing up in Argo City (which escape Krypton's destruction) or on Krypton itself. Either way, she was raised in Kryptonian society and culture.

Source: Supergirl (1982) #17

I think it makes quite a bit of sense for Kara to remain attached to her roots even after years living on Earth, since that is the culture she grew up in, and it also because of how interesting it is to explore.

And while the nature of Krypton can vary across different continunities, a consistent aspect is that it is a scientifically advanced society which surpasses Earth in that regard. The House of El is also populated by scientists, with that being the standard career of the parents of both Clark and Kara.

Source: Batgirl (2009) #14

Kara was, in the New Earth continuity, even depicted as following the family business via joining the Science Guild.

(Also; gotta love Kara's smugness here.)

The best of both worlds

Clark Kent can be said to represent the best of humanity.

So I think it would fit for Kara Zor-El to represent the best of Krypton.

As I mentioned before, the portrayal of Krypton can very much vary. Often it is a flawed and stagnant society, although there are also versions which are imperialistic (such as in MAWS, although I personally was not the biggest fan of that, but I digress).

Source: Supergirl (1982) #18

To take another step back to pre-crisis Supergirl and her choice of headgear, I'd like to highlight these panels.

As shown earlier, she chose this particular red headband because it is a traditional piece of Kryptonian attire and so represents her continued ties to Krypton even while living on Earth. As shown here though, the headband is traditionally only worn by men and yet Kara decides to wear it anyway because of Earth gender equality concepts.

It creates an interesting mix of traditionalism and rebellion-ness. She is maintaining her Kryptonian roots, but doing so in a way which defies part of the tradition via incorporating an ideal she learned on Earth.

And so that is how I think Kara Zor-El could represent the best of Krypton.

She is the scientist, someone who represents Kryptonian's advanced society and values, but also lacks the stagnation, close-mindedness and dogma which is often shown contributing to the people's doom.

She becomes "The Woman of Tomorrow".

Some final thoughts

Another perspective of this which has crossed my mind is that giving Kara the background and ambitions of a scientist arguably could add another layer to the tragedy of her story. Of course, the loss of her home, family and people is the primary tragic event. But a Kara whose only wish was to do science, ending up on Earth where she no longer gains extreme powers but also a newfound legacy of heroism, means that Kara now has newfound expectations and even responsibility, even if she never wanted to be a fighter at all.

Kara had her entire life changed on a fundamental level when circumstances destroyed her home and sent her to Earth.

Her being a scientist can be seen as another way of her maintaining her ties to the advanced society she hails from, and reflect the way in which she was a product of that society even as she grows and explores new ways and ideas.

And I think this concept, both making Kara science-inclined and generally more focused on her Kryptonian roots, can be beneficial in exploring the immigrant aspect of her character in a way different to Clark.

[suhmingo]

I, uh, don’t know how to actually preface this. It’s really just a mini rant/pseudo-analysis of chapter 167. Which was pretty crazy. But, I loved this chapter, and yes I’m typing this with two hands.

But first let me try and do some housekeeping.

It’s perfectly fine to have an emotional, even visceral reaction to 167. That’s the point

If you feel grossed out, betrayed, unnerved, dumbstruck, or any form of bamboozled by today’s chapter then good! That means the emotional weight of the scene is working, and that you are a proper, feeling human. The

The whole point of fiction is to explore themes that would be difficult, even dangerous to experience from a place of safety. To me that’s, like the entire reason I ever wanted to become a writer, one of the most unsung broke boy jobs in the history of the world. My desire for Denji to get better in a world that is dead set on making him fail is the entire reason I have an emotional investment in the first place. Stories are inherently about conflict and the struggle with resolving conflict, that should make you uncomfortable.

Say what you want about Chainsaw Man. I can take it, I’m a big boy. But one thing that it has always had since Chapter one is a well-defined through line about the complexity of our innate desire to find some type of love fighting against the pain-wrought pathway that it leads us down. In a good story, every chapter should have some way of showing the highs and lows of that theme, and I’m pretty confident when I say that 167 perfectly shows us that.

It’s bad. Don’t let people who brag about their trauma tolerance tell you otherwise. You are well within your right to feel. But I think it would behoove people to 1. Realize that this is fiction, and its effects, though evocatory, are ultimately abstract, and 2. Realize that exploring dark themes allows people, especially a 16-25 (Or whatever the target audience for CSM is) to grapple with and think on human concepts as all encompassing as love.

From a writing standpoint, one chapter has escalated the tension of the entire story more than anything that has happened in Part 2 so far. It’s admittedly a bit early to call it peak. But looking at it as a simple story beat, that’s a fantastic chapter as far as the medium goes.

Listen, the whole point of stories since, like, Mesopotamian times was the tension between wanting a character to achieve happiness vs the hardships and trauma that life happens in life. They’re supposed to put you in a sensitive state emulative of a tense environment. I’d argue that the prevalence of escapist fiction and fandom has changed how we emotionally digest fiction. But that’s a whole nother essay.

The events of 167 aren’t some horny non-sequitur. Everything that happened is entirely a logical, if graven, extension of how we know characters.

Denji is at the lowest point we have ever seen him at. He was literally dismembered and put back together less than 10 chapters ago. The last chapter literally had him groveling on his knees at a cauldron’s brew of his own weakness, immaturity, stupidity, and horniness. I think we can all understand why he would not be in a good mental state to just lose himself in the moment. You can’t even blame Denji in this situation. He was in an entirely vulnerable state that was exploited entirely by

Yoru. Who is the literal embodiment of war. If you think that someone who represents the human fear of war is going to play fair. Turn on the news for five minutes. Yoru is a character we are not supposed to like. She’s fun, because she’s a work of fiction, but she’s arguably less trustworthy than Fami. She’s a violent, exploitative being who possesses a dead teenager. There is no “too far” for her if it’s the fastest way on the road to conquest. Reminder that before she caught feelings, her plan was literally just to castrate Denji because she thought that would further her goals. The fact that it turned into kissing was actually sparing a worse fate. IMO that savior was all in the actions of Asa.

Asa. I genuinely believe that, subconsciously, Asa wanted to kiss Chainsaw Man. Not like how it happened. Never like how it happened, but her desire for Denji/Chainsaw Man's affection has always been evident. She gets irreparably upset when she’s stood up, she makes cringe poetry for Chainsaw Man, and her entire goal as of now is in some misguided desire to make him happy. I also don’t think Asa is actually demisexual, or averse to sex. She is afraid of intimacy, which stops her from ever acting on her urges. Notice that both times Yoru has kissed Denji, it was after the idea of sex and intimacy was explicitly brought to the conversation. To me that screams that Yoru is spurred on by her host’s innate desires. Hell, it’s been shown that in the same way that Yoru has made Asa more proactive of a human being, Asa has made her feel emotions. I don’t think it's a coincidence that Yoru is blushing while kissing Denji. None of that was part of her plan. That’s Asa’s emotional influence getting the better of her in what I predict to be a fantastic role reversal of their initial contract.

This is thematically in line with how Chainsaw Man presents love and sets up deeper themes.



Remember way back in Part One when Denji was just an initial horndog and everybody kinda hated him? I hated Denji back then! When I first heard of Chainsaw Man I genuinely thought it was going to be a mommy-kink fuelled power fantasy. But I was wrong. Wonderfully wrong. Fujimoto used the allure of that idea in Makima to present a story about how dangerous and manipulative the very idea of grooming is, and how damaging that can be to a person. The same way Denji’s desire to get the approval of Makima was poisonous to him is mirrored in his desire for vapid, instantly gratifying sex is being portrayed here. I genuinely think this chapter is going to age like fine wine, and I am absolutely willing to take egg on my face if I’m wrong.

[leashybebes]

Random question incoming.

What is you favorite Discworld subseries? (Watch, Witches, Wizards, Death or stand alones?)

ohhhh okay so by random question, i assume you meant "ramble for ten solid minutes about one of my oldest special interests", right?

SO. gun (gonne) to my head, i would probably say the watch books because night watch is one of my favourite books of all time, not just my favourite discworld books. i also read books like jingo at a formative age and they have stayed with me SO MUCH. ALSO. the subversion of the fantasy tropes in discworld is one of my favourite things about the series, and one of the subversions of all time has got to be carrot's "birthright" stuff. as someone who is pretty strongly anti-monarchy, this storyline and the ways it informs the relationship between carrot and vimes is SO GOOD. also also, some of my favourite secondary characters come to us via the watch books, and sam and sibyl are one of my all time favourite fictional relationships ("not a gentleman but a gentle man" rewired my brain istg)

THAT SAID. the first discworld book i read was reaper man, and i do think some of the best philosophy in the series comes in the death books. what can the harvest hope for, if not the care of the reaper man? i'm not religious or spiritual in the slightest but GOD that line makes me wish i was. and of course the whole discussion in hogfather about justice and fairness, the big lies and the little lies. they're just untouchable. and without the death books, we wouldn't have SUSAN. character of all time, SUSAN STO HELIT. she's cynical, she's stern, she's a born educator who knows that children are horrible little gremlins, she's DEATH'S GRANDDAUGHTER. no one's doing it like her.

and then THAT SAID, the witches??? idk man, i really really struggle to separate these from the death books in terms of my ranking because granny?? hello??? i have been able to read the shepherd's crown only twice because i can't see through my fucking tears, good lord. the part in witches abroad where she confronts lily ("because i had to be the good one") speaks to some complicated family stuff of my own and will forever have a place in my heart. and the part where she's trapped in the mirrors and has to find "the real one" and just immediately looks down at herself and says "this one" is like. that's what i aspire to be and to have. and GOD, as a fat, anxious little kid, agnes/perdita was just such a revelation to me. and of course, via the OG witches we get tiffany aching, my queen of cognition and meta-cognition. and of course, because i love a horny old lady, NANNY OGG. and GREEBO. and MAGRAT, my beloved. god, there's just so much in these books to adore.

so the wizards, i adore them as characters, but the wizard focused books generally aren't my favourites, possibly because so many of them are from so early on when i feel like pterry was still finding his voice/world etc. so while the archchancellor (aka fantasy ron swanson c'mon) is a delight and while as someone who works in academia, the commentary on universities is EVERYTHING to me, they don't tend to make the top of my list.

the standalones are easy to lose sight of, because of the (general) lack of tie-in to the wider world BUT a couple of special shout outs:

moving pictures (or is this considered a wizards book?) for the NEVER ENDING parade of puns and references, some of which i STILL get for the first time when i re-read

small gods. THIS BOOK. THIS BOOK, y'all. there are so many things i adore about it, but possibly nothing more than the scene in the inquisitors' office that gives rise to these lines: "And it all meant this:  that there are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal, kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do."

monstrous regiment. WHAT IN THE GENDER. i feel like this, along with things like the development of the dwarfs throughout the series really show what an amazing, kind, loving and thoughtful a person pterry was. GOD i miss him.

lol okay this got even longer than anticipated and i'm STILL NOT DONE. one of the things i love best about this series is that there really is something for everyone. my dad is NOT a fantasy reader in the slightest, but even he liked men at arms and guards! guards!. a friend of mine was struggling to get into the books but because i Know Him and his interests i was able to say "bro. carpe jugulum. immediately." my mum wasn't much of a reader at the time, but i knew that equal rites would get her, and it did.

exTREMEly tl;dr:

1. watch books 2/3. (impossible to separate) death books and witches books 4. standalones 5. wizards

lmao, thank you so much for the ask, i just enjoy thinking and rambling about these books so much 💕

"do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?" gnu sir terry.

[themongrelcatcamehome-blog]

i am trying to break your heart pt. 3

Hello! Here's part 3.

x

__________________________________________________________

Synopsis: Over a month has passed since Caitlyn and Vi ended their relationship, yet Caitlyn couldn’t find a reason to celebrate Jinx's capture. Despite it being a huge day for Piltover and the Enforcers, Caitlyn only wanted to go home, but someone had another plans for ther.

Tags and Warnings: angst, violence, strong language, blood, smoking, drinking, suicidal thoughts, caitvi fight i'm really sorry y'all

____________________________________________________

Caitlyn didn’t move. She clutched her jacket tightly against her neck in shock. Sevika remained motionless ahead of her, the sounds from her mechanical arm growing louder.  

- Hello, traitor. Found your way back home?

Caitlyn needed to leave. At any moment a fight would erupt and she had no idea what to do. She couldn’t think. Her gaze darted between Sevika and Vi and she felt all the color drain from her face. She was trembling with anxiety. Sevika could expose everything to Vi at that moment and Vi would likely kill her. Caitlyn struggled to steady herself, feeling on the verge of fainting. Shame, disgust, and fear hit her all at once.

Vi activated her gauntlets, growling with fury and leapt toward Sevika. Before she could land a hit, Sevika’s mechanical arm detached from her torso a steel cable that wrapped around both of Vi’s gauntlets. Caitlyn ran forward trying to intervene, but Sevika’s human arm swung back planting a firm hand against Caitlyn’s chest, holding the commander in place.  

- Well, well, traitor. Looks like my toy is bigger than yours!

In one swift motion, Sevika yanked the detached arm back with a sharp pull. The gauntlets were ripped from Vi’s fists and clattered to the floor. Sevika flung them behind her, smashing everything on the table, sending items rolling over the mini fridge and crashing them into the far corner of the room. Vi crouched, regaining her balance.  

Caitlyn was terrified. Sevika was going to kill Vi right in front of her. What could she do? Her eyes darted around the room, searching for something to use against Sevika. She froze when Sevika completely released her mechanical arm. The massive device hit the floor with a thunderous crash. Sevika massaged her shoulder and said:  

- Come on, piggy. Fight me, fair and square.

Vi was seething with rage, her face bloodied with all the fight on the way to that room. Who knows how many people she’d beaten to get there? Caitlyn stepped between them.  

- Enough. Stop it! Violet, I’m fine. Just stop. - Cait, get out of the way. I’m finishing what I started. Ready to lose another arm, ugly ass bitch? - Vi, Vi... If only you’d arrived half an hour earlier! I definitely would’ve enjoyed hearing you talk crap!

Caitlyn turned to Sevika.  

- We have a deal, don’t we? Let us go. It’s over. - Cait? What deal? What are you talking about?!

Vi was confused, ready to destroy Sevika’s face. The adrenaline pumping through her veins kept her from noticing the tension in the room. Caitlyn ran her hands through her hair, pushing it all back and looked at the ceiling.  

- Violet, Sevika and I... Sevika wanted to strike a deal with me. A peace agreement in exchange for ending the brutality of our soldiers against her people... your people... We’ll focus on the barons instead. That’s it. - Yeah, piglet. Your girl and I got an arrangement indeed. But you and I can still fight if you want.

Vi was in shock. She knew Caitlyn had changed, that she was open to softening her stance on Zaun, but a deal? With Sevika? And why were Caitlyn’s clothes so dirty, her shirt torn like that?  

- Caitlyn... Did this fucking coward lay a hand on you? Tell me right now.   - No! I mean… No! No, she didn’t.

Sevika clenched her fists, rolling her eyes at Caitlyn. Their gazes locked and Caitlyn nodded slightly. “Please don’t say anything, please…”

- You two got thirty seconds to get out of my office. 

Vi was slowly piecing it together. Could Caitlyn have done it? Was Sevika low enough to force Caitlyn into sex for a deal? Vi’s mind was spinning. She looked down and noticed Sevika’s unbuttoned pants. Her stomach churned and her heart seemed to stop for a moment. The whole world stopped and Vi felt her stomach churn. 

- No... Please, no...   - Yes! No! Yes! Fuck you! Get out of my sight, both of you.  

Sevika was getting angrier now. One wrong move from Vi and she would snap her neck. 

Caitlyn took a few steps toward Vi, devastated to see her like this. What could she possibly be thinking? Did she assume the deal involved sleeping with Sevika to persuade her? Or that Sevika had forced her? Caitlyn could only manage to say:

- Let's go home, Violet.

With eyes welling with tears, Vi removed her badge from her waist and threw it at Caitlyn’s feet. Tears streamed down her face now.

- I’m already home, Commander.

Vi turned her back and left.  

Caitlyn was in shock, frozen in place. She quickly crouched to pick up Vi’s badge, her head spinning. She felt dizzy and began to cry. Sevika, now reattaching her mechanical arm, walked toward Vi’s gauntlets. She kicked one to try and break the hexcore casing, but it didn’t give. Picking up a cigarette, she leaned against the table.  

Caitlyn was on her knees, holding Vi’s badge in one hand and covering her face with the other, sobbing uncontrollably. She got to her feet and said out loud she needed to go after Vi.  

- Sweetheart, don’t be crazy. You don’t know your way around Zaun; you’ll end up getting yourself killed. Let her go, she’ll come back. - Shut up! This is all your fault!

Caitlyn spun toward Sevika and threw Vi’s badge at her. Sevika dodged it effortlessly, took a long drag from her cigarette and set it back on the table.  

- Too soon to argue about our relationship, fox. But you can put all the blame on me, of course.   - Stop calling me that! Stop calling me animal names! I’m not your pet! My name is Caitlyn Kiramman! And you’re under arrest!  

Sevika watched Caitlyn in her state of utter despair, tears streaming down her face. For a moment Sevika almost felt sorry for her. She stepped toward Caitlyn and pulled her into her arms.  

- Let me go. Let me go...   - I’m not letting you go.   - Let me go, damn it! What the hell! I hate you!   - I hate you too, Commander.

Sevika kissed the top of Caitlyn’s head as the woman buried her face in Sevika’s chest. Caitlyn’s tears soaked Sevika’s tank top. Sevika wanted to stroke her hair, say something. That strange flutter in her stomach returned. Sevika wanted to protect Caitlyn. She felt a sting in her nose at that moment. If she stayed any longer...  

Straightening her posture, she took Caitlyn’s face in her hands, wiped her tears, and said:  

- Commander, pull yourself together.  - Take me home, Sevika, please...  

Caitlyn’s voice was so soft and faint that Sevika had to lean in to hear her.  

- Yes, I'll take you home. I’ll take you to her.

Caitlyn shook her head in refusal, but Sevika didn’t notice.  

She found the idea of Vi being her home, her safe haven incredibly beautiful. Caitlyn’s thoughts raced: she also found Sevika’s perspective on the two of them breathtakingly beautiful too.

The commander wondered if she should confront this sentiment now.

“Why the hell do I find Sevika interesting? Is Vi my safe haven, my home? If she is, why am I in someone else’s arms?”

Her train of thought stopped suddenly. What would she tell Vi? Or worse: what would Vi say? Could she bear to hear it?  

Caitlyn felt like she was drowning. Her throat tightened, her heart raced uncontrollably; she wanted to disappear. She wanted to turn back time and undo everything: resist the Council’s pressure, avoid joining Jinx's task force, stop Vi from breaking up with her, never have sex with Sevika... The lump in her throat grew, almost choking her. She wanted to scream, to break things. What had she done with her life these past few months?  

She remembered the breakup.  

Things had been strained since their conversation about joining the task force. Vi had become increasingly distant, both physically and emotionally. She canceled their plans, stopped going to her place and avoided Caitlyn at work. Caitlyn would go to Vi’s apartment as it was the only way they would see each other. Vi avoided physical affection as much as possible, eventually giving in, but things felt different.  

The last time they slept together—Caitlyn realized now—Vi avoided looking at her face. She preferred positions that kept her turned away. 

The lump in Caitlyn’s throat eased as she took a deep breath in Sevika’s embrace.  

“How could I be so blind? She was suffering, needed my support, and all I could say was, ‘Do what’s best for your heart.’ Am I an idiot? Of course I am! How didn’t I see it?”

Caitlyn’s head started pounding again. She turned her face to Sevika:  

- No, take me to Piltover.

Sevika released her from the embrace. She walked over to her guard who was still unconscious, checked his pulse. The man’s nose was broken, his face soaked in blood. Sevika crept to the door and saw more guards lying on the floor, bloodstains on the walls, shattered lamps and broken pieces of wood.

Sevika wanted to ask if Caitlyn wouldn’t rather go to Vi but secretly felt pleased when the commander chose Piltover.  

- Your girlfriend caused a mess; it won’t be that simple. My men are down in the corridor... I can’t leave Zaun.   - Please, Sevika.

Caitlyn’s tone was firm, but her voice was breaking now. Sevika noticed Caitlyn was blinking slower and that her eyes were red. It was nearly midnight, the city lights glowing and smoke danced outside the window. Sevika walked back to the table and grabbed her phone. She dialed a number, and the person on the other end picked up on the second ring.  

"Scar, are you at your place?

I’m lying down with my son, Sevika. What’s going on?

I need you to check the perimeter of my house. Now. There was... an altercation. I’m not sure if it’s safe to leave.

Altercation? A fight? Are there casualties?

I don’t know. Gregor is unconscious in front of me.-

Are you hurt? I’ll bring a group and let you know if it’s clear—  

I’m not hurt. I need to escort C... someone to Piltover."

What? Who? This late? What’s happening, Sevika?

Scar, just trust me. 

I’m risking my neck just talking to you, my friend.

Scar... Look, bring your guys, make sure it’s all clear and meet me in the attic or just call me. Got it? I’ll be there.

Understood."

Scar hung up. He was a Vastayan and leader of the Firelights. Scar was a good-hearted man. Heavily political. As someone tied to Zaun's barons, Sevika wasn’t welcome in the organization, often seen as untrustworthy.  

Sevika adjusted a piece of her mechanical arm and a sharp part extended. She turned to the commander.  

- Caitlyn, stay behind me. Only move when I move, got it? 

It was the second time Sevika called her by name. Caitlyn wasn’t sure anymore if she regretted sleeping with Sevika, but she didn’t want to think about that now. Amid the chaos in her mind, she felt grateful to be with her and held on to that feeling.  

She stepped forward, her foot landing in Gregor’s blood. She jerked her foot up in surprise, but continued.  

- Okay. I’m right behind you.

Sevika and Caitlyn stepped through the door. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vi was searching for drinks in her old room in Vander’s bar basement. She scanned the shelves where small flasks were usually hidden but found nothing.  

She knew countless ways to reach that room and had gotten in on her first try. Everything was in its place, though covered in dust. Her face was bruised, her body aching all over, she was almost certain she had a broken rib and a sprained ankle. Kicking off her boots, she collapsed onto the couch.  

She tried taking off her jacket but couldn’t manage it—now she was certain about the broken rib. She punched the couch arm in frustration, the wood clunking against something metallic. She reached into the gap between the armrest and the seat, feeling around until her fingers closed on a square metal object.  

“You sneaky bitch. You thought you could hide something in my house?" Vi thought.  

The sneaky bitch was Sevika—the only person who would know how to reach the kids’ old hideout from Vander’s time.  

She shifted her body to the side, lifted the cushion and pulled out a metal box. Inside she found an unlabeled bottle filled with a light brown liquid, completely full. She uncorked it, the sharp smell of alcohol stinging her nose and making her eyes water. It was definitely Sevika's stash from Bilgewater.  

Vi drank for ten seconds straight, the alcohol burning her throat, each swallow making her chest ache worse. Lowering the bottle to her knee, she thought:  

"You fucked my girl, I drink your expensive booze, asshole."

It didn’t come out as satisfying as Vi had hoped. Her heart was heavy, an unbearable anguish settling over her. She felt weak. The alcohol was kicking in; her head spun lightly. She wanted a cigarette but had quit smoking since moving to Piltover. Reaching into the couch again, she searched the box for cigarettes but found none. She felt tears welling up.  

“Why is this happening to me? How did I end up in this mess? Everything I did for her didn't mean a thing, and now I have nothing... I have nothing!" Her thoughts turned into words as she began talking to herself.  

"Nothing! I have no one to talk to. All my friends are in Piltover and all we ever talk about is sports anyway. The only person I could talk to came to Zaun... to my house... To… 

Claggor, if you’re here... 

Mylo, don’t you dare laugh. 

P... Powder."

Vi stopped. Warm tears streaked her battered face, stinging her wounds. She drank more, the liquor dribbling on her lips. The worst feeling crept over her now—the one she hated most, the one she had silently endured for months.  

Moving to Piltover and permanently becoming an Enforcer had been her way of staying close to Caitlyn, of regaining some control of her life. Caitlyn was all she had left. Jinx was erratic, speaking nonsense on the rare occasions she showed up. Her little sister had become a symbol for Zaun and Piltover’s number one public enemy. Powder was gone; only Jinx remained.  

Vi wanted to start fresh, to own her decisions. Her greatest dream had been to take over Vander’s bar—not as a hero like him, but as a humble presence. But being a hero would be so bad? Everyone in Zaun saw her as Vander’s extension. They were both fighters; they were both strong, both trustworthy.  

Vi sobbed harder, her body shaking with each breath.  

"What was I thinking, putting my life in her hands? That... that bastard. That’s what she is. I can't even curse at her from a distance! My life revolved around her, for her. I’m such an idiot."

Her thoughts quickened. She was thinking of everything she had avoided these past months in Piltover. Whenever such thoughts arose, Vi would call Caitlyn, visit Caitlyn, hug Caitlyn... Every day of her life was an internal battle. She woke up feeling hopeless and forced herself to get through the day, everyday.

Vi worked out at the precinct gym, ran, took vitamins. She adopted a kitten from the park. Donated money to the Firelights. Made sure her squad was kind to Zaunites. She was promoted in just one month for her exemplary service. But whenever she felt she might break, she took sleeping pills and carried on the next day as if nothing had happened. Caitlyn would be there for her.

Her soldiers showing her sports updates. Her kitten rubbing against her. She clung to even the smallest things. 

"Today I have to work because it’s recruit Watson’s birthday," she’d think.  

"Today I must get up because it’s the opening of the new district school. Caitlyn hates public events.  

I can’t sleep too much because I need to go to the bank.  

There’s a good movie on tonight.  

Tomorrow would’ve been Benzo’s birthday.  

Vander wouldn’t want to see me like this."  

Every day, Vi sought a reason to go on. When she couldn’t find one, she’d tell herself she had to stay alive to be the Enforcer who captured Jinx—even if she wasn’t part of the task force or Zaun’s affairs anymore. She wanted Caitlyn, the after all commander, to have the final say when that day came.  

She never told Caitlyn that but prayed she wouldn’t have to.  

Thinking of it now, she laughed bitterly:  

"Why would Caitlyn make me arrest my sister, for fuck’s sake? Damn it..." 

When those thoughts weren't enough, Vi thought of Caitlyn.  

"She needs me.  

Her mother died because of me.  

She doesn’t know how to fight—I’m teaching her... Guns don’t solve everything.  

I love her so much; I can’t stay like this.  

I’ll get up, call her and her voice will calm me down. She knows how to make me feel loved."

It was exhausting being Vi.  

“I'm exhausted" she thought.

When she wasn’t searching for reasons to live, she was searching for Caitlyn.  

Now, in the dim, dusty room, Vi was terrified. She was sinking into the couch, drunk, crying, utterly alone. The weight of guilt and despair came crashing down all at once, consuming her. Her body trembled, every sob ripping through her heavily battered face.

She tilted her head back, staring at the ceiling, and let out a wail—half scream, half cry. Her voice echoed through the empty space.  

"She watched me lose everything. She knew she was all that I had. How could I be so stupid? She had everyone, and I had only her."

Vi wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, smearing a mix of tears and blood across her face. Her vision blurred as red streaks filled her line of sight. For a moment she thought she was dying, but then she remembered—the blood from her injuries was mixing with her tears.  

It reminded her of when Powder fell into a stagnant moss-covered pond as a kid and panicked, thinking she was "seeing green." Despite herself being in a shitty hole, Vi let out a hoarse laugh through her sobs, a brief break in the storm of emotions. Then she lowered her head again, shoulders slumping as the reality of her situation weighed down on her.  

“If... If I hadn’t left that day... If I’d stayed... If I’d asked for help. 

Vander, you were dead! 

Because of her! 

Because of me! 

She... She was just a kid, dad. 

I was her big sister. I shouldn’t have left her alone. 

I punched her, dad. And I left.

I left because I was angry, but I—"

Her words broke off, choked by another wave of sobs. Vi clutched at her chest where the pain was the sharpest. It wasn’t just the broken rib—it was the ache in her heart, pounding relentlessly. She couldn’t take it anymore.  

The room spun around her, the furniture tilting like a ship in rough waters. Vi gripped the edge of the couch, trying to steady herself, but she fumbled knocking the bottle to the floor. The glass shattered, releasing the sharp, stinging scent of alcohol into the air.  

"Great," she muttered bitterly, the shards glinting in the dim light.  

“I'm in this big stinky boat and I can't even drown.”

She clenched her fists. She patted her waist instinctively, looking for her belt and holster, but they were gone—lost in the chaos of her earlier fight. Her phone was back in Piltover and the radio on her jacket was off to avoid detection.  

"I ran..." Vi whispered to herself, the realization hitting her like a freight train.  

She had run across four districts, from Piltover to Zaun, desperate to find Caitlyn. The transport that had brought the messenger to warn her about Caitlyn’s disappearance only went as far as the industrial zone where Piltover ended and Zaun began. From there, she’d sprinted, not stopping to think or breathe.  

"I left everything behind... The doors unlocked, the windows open... I came running for you, Caitlyn."

Vi curled into herself, her trembling fingers clutching the silent radio like a lifeline. She turned the dial, hoping for a signal, but there was nothing. Just static.  

The sound it made was too much, filling the room and her buzzing so loud in her head. Her ears buzzed, her stomach churned. She thought she might vomit and leaned forward, her hands braced on the coffee table. She spat, trying to clear the thick saliva pooling in her mouth. False alarm.  

Vi sat back, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand when a creak of old wood shattered the silence. Her head snapped toward the door, heart pounding as adrenaline surged through her battered body.  

Caitlyn stood in the doorway.  

Vi’s breath hitched.  

- What are you doing here? Get the fuck out.

She barked instinctively, her voice low and cold.  

She wanted to run to Caitlyn, pull her into her arms and tell her everything she just said to no one but the books and the ghosts. But she hated herself for it. Her body reacted before her mind could stop it, every nerve screaming to reach her as she always did but she didn’t move this time. She stared straight ahead, clenching her fists so tightly her nails bit into her palms.  

Caitlyn’s hands trembled as she stepped forward cautiously.  

- You... You’re hurt. Let me help you.

Caitlyn said softly, her words filled with warmth.

Vi’s jaw tightened, her gaze fixed on the far wall.  

- No. Get out of my sight. You’re the last person I want to see. Leave.  

Caitlyn froze, her heart breaking at every word. She bit her lip, trying to hold back tears, but they spilled over anyway.  

- Vi, please... I— - I said leave, Kiramman!

Vi roared, the sound reverberating through the room. 

But Caitlyn didn’t move. 

Vi grabbed another bottle and started drinking. She was shaking. She didn’t want Caitlyn to leave. What was that feeling? How could she want the presence of someone who had hurt her so much? Vi wanted to stop shaking, wanted to keep her voice steady, but she was crying again. 

It takes time to process that the people we love can also be the ones who hurt us. 

Caitlyn walked to the small railing that led to the lower part of the room, where the couch Vi was sitting on was.

- Violet… My lov… Please. Let me take you home. There’s a vehicle waiting for us two streets up. You need to... - Is it Sevika’s car? Or yours? Oh no, yours was left at the precinct while she kidnapped you! Damn. She kidnapped you and is still giving you a ride? Imma tell the world how generous Sevika can be. - Vi, it's a patrol car from our side. You need to see a doctor, you’re all fucked up – - So are you and I’m not nagging you about it, am I? - I... I’m not as hurt as you... - Ha. Alright, didn’t get the joke.

Caitlyn was sleepy, tired and didn’t realize that Vi meant something else.

- Violet. For everything sacred, come with me. You’re bleeding. - “For everything sacred’? Do you even know what’s sacred to me? - It was just an expression, Violet. I just want to help you. - Get out of my sight and you’ll be helping me. I shouldn’t even be talking to you. How the hell did you get here anyway?

Caitlyn took more steps toward the couch, descended the short flight of stairs and went around. She stopped behind Vi, reached out to touch her hair, but pulled her hand back.  

Vi’s hair was dirty with blood and mud. Caitlyn reflected on how much she loved that hair, how many hours she spent stroking it, smelling it. Her eyes filled with tears. How could she get through all of this? She tried to think of something to say on the way there.

___

Sevika and Caitlyn successfully got to the attic. The path was clear. The orders were well known by her guards: never take a fight near the attic, it was Isha’s hideout.

When they got there they barely spoke, Sevika went to check on Isha.  

The commander was relieved she wouldn’t have to be alone with Sevika much longer.  

She smelled something strange in the small room, a scent of gunpowder and paint. She realized she was hungry and cold. The attic only had a couch, a TV and behind it a door with more stairs. Sevika had entered and gone upstairs, Caitlyn was on the couch.  

Less than twenty minutes passed and the Zaunite’s phone rang. Scar said everything was fine and that Enforcers were guarding near the factory. Sevika went to Caitlyn to update her and Caitlyn took the phone from her hand: she told Scar to send a message to an Enforcer for her.

She didn’t think before speaking. Of course, it didn’t make sense to ask such a thing to a Firelight using Sevika’s phone. She felt like an idiot.

Scar stayed silent on the call and Sevika took the phone back, said she had a plan and hung up.  

She put her hands on her hips, looked at the ceiling and ran her hands through her hair.

- You really want to die today. What the hell was that? You want to screw me over? - I... I didn’t think, I'm sorry. - If you’ve forgotten who you are, I...

Sevika didn’t want to be rude to Caitlyn at that moment. She just wanted it to be over. She was tired and scared of Isha waking up from the noise. She continued, now speaking as quietly as she could:

- ... I can’t afford to forget who I am, okay? I have to be sharp and ready all the time. I can't afford to make mistakes. Everything I’ve done to bring you here will cause me problems for at least a month. And I don’t even remember why I did this shit. Oh, I remembered. Great! We have a deal! Nice ass! I’m really trying here. Appreciate that. - Sevika, I just want to go home. I appreciate your efforts, yes, but I– - Yes, you just want to go home and I just want to be able to think straight without worrying if you’re going to break at any moment. Can you please not break? Can you act like a grown woman again? 

Caitlyn was angry now. She felt like an idiot, but Sevika was exaggerating, she thought.

- Sevika, I really appreciate your efforts. You’ve gotten yourself into your own mess, not my problem. I just want to go home. Sorry again for saying that crap and taking your phone, okay? I’ve said it already, just open the door and I’ll leave, I’ll handle the rest myself.

Sevika was too exhausted to argue. She was only thinking about Isha. She took a deep breath. She hadn’t heard half of what Caitlyn said, she only focused on the end of her sentence. She said:

- You want to leave Zaun on your own? Go for it. You know the way out. Just step over the bodies and open the door. Good luck.

Sevika pointed to the hatch that led back to the corridor near her office. She was drained from Caitlyn’s presence. She no longer cared about stopping the commander from leaving alone. She simply didn’t care anymore.

- I’ll go. Thanks.

Caitlyn got up from the couch and tried to head toward the hatch. Sevika took a deep breath. She thought about all the implications of that action. If Caitlyn got hurt, kidnapped or something worse happened, hell would soon fall on Zaun and the responsibility would be entirely hers. She grabbed Caitlyn by the arm.

- Okay, commander. Ooookay. You’ve worn me out, congratulations. You’re the first to do it. Listen to me. Shut up and listen. I know who’s guarding the factory today, it’s a little shit who pisses himself every time he sees me. I’ll go to him, okay? I’ll go there. I’ll figure out how Vi got here alone and why no one came after her. I’ll blame the militants and make that piece of shit understand the misunderstanding I’m about to come up with. - Sevika, you lost me at the last bit, but listen... Vi is the only Enforcer allowed to use hextech equipment even though she’s just a sergeant. She has authority, she must have given the orders. They won’t listen to you. - My God, how disgusting. There’s no blood running through those veins, I take back what I said.

Sevika really hated the fact that Vi was an Enforcer. In her mind it was the biggest absurdity of all. She didn’t care about her relationship with Jinx—despite having strong opinions about the two of them making amends, she didn’t care that Vi hadn’t taken responsibility over the bar—she loved working there anyway. But she hated the idea of someone she saw growing up becoming part of the biggest institution that oppressed her people. Caitlyn sighed and said:

- Sevika, give me a break. Did you hear me? You won’t be able to convince any of my soldiers. You need another plan. - Commander, your soldiers are corrupt. Sorry to say this so bluntly. Most of them do business with me. I’m the one who authorizes their comings and goings. I know every slut that sleeps with each one of them in the brothel. - Spare me. I mean, don’t spare me. We can talk later about that and I'll investiga-- - Commander, are you asking for my number or something? Do you want a full report?

The atmosphere between them was so weird. A few minutes ago, Caitlyn was relieved by Sevika’s absence and Sevika no longer cared about the commander. Now they were planning Caitlyn’s “escape” together as if the world weren’t collapsing.

- Is this how you are all the time? - Only when I’m in a hurry and want to sleep. Anyway, I’ll convince your little soldier. Even if it means beating him up. - Sevika, you don’t need to.. - I do. I do need to. Whatever it is, I need to because I can’t take it anymore. We had sex once and now I’m responsible for you? What the hell is this? Listen closely, okay? - You really are a jerk. - Yes, I am and you loved it. I’m leaving now, and you’ll wait in the office, understood? I won’t go back there, I’ll take a shortcut and get back in here another way.

Caitlyn looked at the skylight in the attic. There was an opening.

- Okay. - Great. Stay in the office. Count an hour and leave through the front door. The street will be empty because I’ll send all the drunks, beggars, and other Zaunite fauna somewhere else. You’ll turn right. You’ll see red lights, do you know what those establishments are or do I need to explain? - It’s the brothel, I know. - Alright, smartass. Go to the second door on the right. If I’m not mistaken it’s kind of green-ish. Next to that door there’s an alley, cross it. If anyone’s there, ignore them.

Sevika spoke quickly, Caitlyn tried to keep up. She remembered she had already been to the brothel with Vi. Sevika continued:

- When you get out on the other side, you’ll come face to face with The Last Drop. It’s Vander’s bar, now mine. It will be full, of course, but no one will notice you.

Sevika took her cloak off and handed it to Caitlyn.

- Done. You’ll look like a prostitute with shame or some follower of the dickless priest.

- What?! - Forget it, it doesn’t matter. To the left of the bar, one of my guys will be waiting for you. - How will I recognize him? - He’ll come to you. - Okay. - You’ll do whatever he tells you. - If he touches me… - He won’t touch you, not like that. No one messes with my things.

Caitlyn looked at her with a sharp, curious and angry stare. She thought: “What did she say? She just called me ‘her thing’?” Caitlyn was so angry.

- I love that face you just made. Ready?

Sevika really enjoyed getting on the commander's nerves.

Caitlyn gave up. She just wanted to go home.

- I’m ready.

The two of them left, one at a time, through the hatch.

As they approached Sevika's office door, Caitlyn grabbed the zaunite’s arm.

- Promise me you won't go after her. - Why the hell would I do that? I have a lot of stuff to do, honey. - Promise me. - I won't. I don't care. Maybe she will come after me.

Caitlyin tightened the grip on Sevika's arm but quickly let go of it. She was right.

Sevika looked at Caitlyn with a smirk.

- Touch me like that again, it felt nice. - Sevi– - Kitten, your pitiful cry-baby is probably drinking her sadness away now in her old bedroom. She won't come after me, she has no reason to. But maybe she’ll come for you.

And at that very moment the idea of ​​going after Vi seemed too obvious to ignore. It made perfect sense: she was now sure that Vi was at her old place, where else would she go? And Caitlyn could definitely find a way to access the basement. But the commander couldn't let Sevika see through her plan. So she decided to speak in a way that disguised her intentions well.

- Stop calling Violet those names. Just stop with all that bullshit, it’s exhausting. Your mouth is not worthy of Violet’s name. You don’t even know her.

Sevika started laughing. How adorable. Caitlyn really was something. 

This part of the plan worked.

- Now that's a feral kitten. Stop trying to be mean, you don't know how. Get in.

Sevika pushed Caitlyn into the room. The passed-out guard wasn't there anymore. Vi's gauntlets were gone too. Sevika noticed Caitlyn searching for them with her eyes.

- The gauntlets are safe with the Firelights. Vi is a big fan of their work. They'll probably return to her soon enough. I’m not dumb, I wouldn’t steal hex stuff. - Good to know. Goodbye.

Caitlyn turned her back on Sevika in an abrupt move. 

Sevika hissed, she put her thumb on her lips. Caitlyn was staring at the window.

- Turns out you do bite. Give me a call if you ever get bored and maybe I'll answer. See ya, hot stuff.

Sevika left. 

Caitlyn couldn't wait to hear the front door shut. She knew exactly where to go next.

________

End of part 3. I'll post with part 4 soon and that'll be a wrap. Hope you loved reading this story as much as I loved writing it.

A little note about the dialogue between Cait and Vi:

Vi said "Imma tell the world how generous Sevika can be" and I know it's a bit corny, but I couldn't help it. Sevika's personality was inspired by Renata Glasc, I really wanted to use this line, I'm just a girl xD See ya'll soon!

[utilitycaster]

I've heard the point that each Veilguard team member major decision at the end of their quest is one between radical change and something more gradual and it's fair but I think it's more fitting to see it as someone either removing the source of their fear directly, or finding a way around it. Which I think is a great message, that ometimes you don't need to confront your fear, you just need to be aware that it's there and mitigate it as best you can so that you're not stuck in place. But if you take that interpretation that means you've got the following:

Emmrich: facing the fear of his own mortality by removing it from the table (lichdom) or accepting that it's there and try to slowly overcome it as he trains the fearless Manfred.

Taash: facing the fear of failing their mother's standards by finding a place within the Qun as she'd wished, or accepting that they are also culturally tied to Rivain and find an entirely different path.

Harding: whether to overcome a fear or aversion to expressing anger (tied to fear of bullying/being disliked) or whether to embrace compassion and patience and find a way to dissipate that anger.

Bellara: whether to face her fear of being a bad person or making decisions that could hurt people by accepting stewardship of the Archive and the dangers it poses, or to take one big decision to destroy the archive to keep people safe.

Davrin: whether to, despite his growing difficulty with the past actions of the Wardens particularly regarding the griffons, entrust them to the Wardens again, or find a new path for them (doubled with a similar birth culture vs. adoptive culture themes as Taash).

Lucanis: whether to risk losing what little family and not really have to unpack the betrayal by imprisoning Illario, or face the betrayal head-on, despite how it hurt him, and forgive Illario. The option of facing that betrayal, incidentally, is cut off if you save Minrathous, which brings me to...

Neve, who in my playthrough didn't have an option because I saved Treviso. From what I understand her options in a Save Minrathous game are to work in the gray area, allying with the Threads and similarly unsavory groups as needed for her larger goal (which is what she must do in a fallen Dock Town) or to be a more above-board face of the struggle, and that on some level means that her choice is to continue with a more cynical option or to embrace her fear of believing in something more hopeful and if so that is WILD there are so many things wrong with her (affectionate)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling someone I wasn't their bully 100% of the time

Hey so I was a shitty kid and i willbe TA for most of the story. However the ambiguous non-ending spins around my head nonstop

! In high-school I met a friend, Lacy (mtf) who had recently come out. We bonded over mutual Fandoms and shared classes and ended up pooling friends. I was already tight friends with one other girl we can call Sam. Sam went to another school but me and her had been best friends for many years and talked constantly online. After spending a lot of time with Lacy, and with L and S in a group, I started to get a little crush. Me and Lacy had this habit of passing comic notes to eachother between classes and they were just so fun. Anyways I ended up passing them one asking them out and she agreed. We talked about it casually after and I kept the note. In the background, me and Sam talk constantly about Lacy. Outside of school, online, Lacy often goes on long rants and tangents and caps it off being painfully self depreciating and insinuating self harm. I honestly don't hold that against her too much, given how young we were and how much stuff was going on. Very quickly I realize this tiny crush evaporates in the heat of her stomping rants. My gut sinks when Lacy mentions we are dating. It's been less than a day. Sam messages me immediately and I make the terrible snap decision to lie. I lie about it and I have the evidence so my version becomes correct. I tell Sam I didn't *really* ask Lacy out, blah blah. The lie doesn't end. Lacy has an explosive breakdown about it, well warranted, and I lie to adults and school administrators as well. We were friends, I guess she got too attached, we talk all the time but no. I never asked her to date. Papers signed, case closed. Lacy blocks me everywhere. The year ends. I resign to never speaking to her, as the unquestioned bully in this situation I wouldn't have the right to approach her about it. I think I send one anon ask completely unrelated to her or our lives, then block her back as is only fair.

Short hop forwards a month or two. Sam sends me a message about an update to Lacys blog. Lacy is otherkin and Sam is laughing at the kin list, sending anon messages mocking Lacy about the choices and identity. Very unfamiliar with otherkin but struggling with gender thoughts myself I don't respond much.

Fast forward a few years. Me and Sam don't talk much now. I got a boyfriend and couldn't help love how much he ignored me. Everything else fell through cracks. Working at my restaurant job one day, who else comes in but Lacy. We are very busy, I try to be quick, don't make eye contact. "Party of....for Lacy?" She nods. The lobby is full so they walk out the door and never come back. Later when my shift is over I unblock and check her blog. She's made a post saying I was her abuser and had sent her constant anon hate since bullying her in hs. Checking her ask tag I see Sam on anon sends 3-6 hate messages a year. I do nothing and leave everyone be and move on.

Another 3 years goes by. Sam reaches out. She's terminally ill, and we speak stiffly for a few IMs. I don't forgive myself for leaving her and decide it's best we don't keep talking. Another few years and Sam passes. Our old friends go through Sam's papers and pc files reminiscing and find pages and pages of shared chat logs between me L and S. It really was a harsh reminder of how cruel I had been, speaking behind Lacys back and lying. I don't doubt I caused her lasting trauma with my actions.

Part of me wanted to reach out to Lacy and apologize, explaining myself and the misunderstanding and clearing the lie not because I wanted to feel absolved I just that it's finally done now. But it feels so cruel to do it when 1. As the original bully it's still not my place to seek closure 2. I can't just toss my friends corpse under this bus for no reason.

It's soon a decade since we all left school so the time seems well past. I just can't stop thinking about all the mistakes. And there seems no reason to bring it all up after all Sam can't say anything about it anymore and nobody is hurt believing i said these things. So, AITA for not telling Lacy it wasn't me bullying her most of the time?

What are these acronyms?

[not-a-space-alien]

Two Sides of the Same Coin: Chapter 9

Story Masterpost

On AO3 👈👈👈👈👈👈👈👈👈

In this chapter: Astarion meets old friends, new friends...and old enemies.

***

Balance between nature and civilization was kind of a bullshit concept, in Astarion’s opinion, but they were managing to pull it off here.  The former shadow-cursed lands had a nice mix of mossy, sturdy buildings and open pastures, orchards and forests intermingling with farmland and gathering places where people sold their wares and children played innocently in the sunlight.  Halsin took care of Astarion attentively, making sure he was comfortable in every way anyone could.

It made Astarion sick.

But it was working, so far, to keep him safe. This was probably his best bet.

Astarion sat on the low wall surrounding Halsin’s cottage, enjoying the sunshine.  This part was nice, at least.  He got to enjoy the sunshine again.  Somehow, he could feel it through his cloth skin.  Gale really was a miracle worker, not that Astarion would ever admit it.

And down the road, he saw something he’d been dreading: A confrontation with Tav.

A disgusting, throbbing brain trailing a mass of writhing tentacles floated down the cobblestone path.  That was the one creature he undoubtedly had no desire to meet, the creature that had used to be his lover, then his friend.  Who’d showed him what he needed, then abandoned him.

Maybe what you need is a friend, not a lover.

He'd imagined himself holding that hand forever, until it'd been attached to someone transmogrified into an aberration. The last time they’d talked…  He’d told her she was special to him, and he didn’t want to lose her, and she’d been upset of course.  She made a grand sacrifice to save the world, and now Astarion was too freaked out to even look at her. She’d told Astarion of course I’m still in here, and Astarion had run away anyway. Like he did for all his problems.

It was hard to tell who felt more horrible about it.

But she wasn't fair to him either.

You didn’t help me with Cazador.  You saw me tormented by the idea of my master finding me and bringing me to heel and you didn’t think it worth the time.  They’d been pressed for time, of course, but…

But…

Could she really not have taken a few minutes to stop by Cazador’s place?  If she loved him? If she was his friend?

Astarion watched the mind flayer hover in his direction, then threw himself off the wall and into the bushes.  The mind flayer floated on by, apparently giving him no notice.

Well, he’d just made a fool of himself, then.  He wiggled his little legs to try and dislodge himself, but the branches were poking him and holding him steady.  “Gods.  This damned shrubbery.”  He pulled harder and tore his doll shirt.  “This damned nature!”

Unbelievable.  He’d thrown himself into a prickle bush to avoid Tav and Tav hadn’t even had the decency to find him anyway.  And now he was stuck here.  For who knows how long, because he’d insisted to Halsin that he was fine being left alone and didn’t need a babysitter.

“Hey, look!”

Speaking of babysitters… One of the many, many annoying children running around this place scuttled on by, noting his little foot sticking out.  “What’s this?”

“A doll, I think,” said a second child, and sweet gods above, then a third child spoke: “Is it moving?”

“I’m a cursed doll,” Astarion said.  “If you touch me, you’ll die!”

He should have shot for a less easily disproved lie when the child reached out and picked him up by the foot.  Well, at least he was out of the bush now.  “Put me down!”

“It really is an enchanted doll!”

“Let me see it!”

“Daddy Halsin said-”

Astarion struggled to free himself from their grips as they fought each other.  “Damn you all to the Hells!”  Was that an insensitive thing to say to tiefling children?  “Put me down!”

“We think you had better do as the magic doll says, children.”  The children instantly fell still at the voice, the thrumming undertones and the hint of a hiss in every sibilant.  Kar’niss’s feet tapped the cobblestone as he advanced on them, head bent low under a sunhat shading his face.

“Daddy Halsin says you can’t hurt us,” one of the children proclaimed, with much less bravery than the statement would seem to suggest.

“Daddy Halsin also says we can play with our toys,” said another, and they all took a step back as Kar’niss reached them, one of his front legs stretching towards them.

That was all he had to do.  They dropped Astarion and shrieked, running away at top speed.  Kar’niss watched them go, squinting against the light.

Astarion rolled over and brushed the dirt off himself as best as he could.  “Gods!  I never thought I’d be happy to see you.”

Kar’niss let out a rumbling growl.  “We are blessed with good sensibilities,” he said, and Astarion could not tell who he was mad at, if anyone.  He reached a clawed hand down.  Astarion warily backed away, trying not to look too disgusted.

“Do they want a lift?” Kar’niss said.  “Two legs only, and so small, the walk is long and the light is bright.”

Astarion sighed and walked into Kar’niss’s hand.  The drider bent back upwards like a weighted bird popping back up from a glass of water.  “Where would the little one like to go?”

“...Can we just take a walk?  Anywhere but here.”  He never thought he’d want to take a walk with such an abomination, but, well… maybe Kar’niss was the only one here who could really understand what he was going through.  Having your body modified against your will.  Living in darkness for so long.

“If they wish.”  Kar’niss started to walk, keeping his eye on the path.  “They should be aware our day vision is not very good.”

“I’d noticed.  I thought you were all about the light?  And keeping the shadows at bay?”

“The light no longer returns our feelings.  It has always been a lie.”  His forelegs stabbed the ground with irritation, but his callous, clawed hands came up and shielded Astarion delicately.  “We protect as best as we can.  And we… do not sleep soundly, throughout the day.”

“I don’t blame you.  The sunlight is beautiful.  I thought I might never see it again.  Maybe being like this isn’t all bad.”

“We are exhausted.  We boil with worry as soon as we lie down.”

“About what?”

Kar’niss let out a hiss from the sides of his abdomen. “It is not important.  Has the little one gotten any closer to breaking his toy curse?”

“You don’t have to call it that.”  Astarion just sat there in Kar’niss’s terrifying claws for a few moments, letting himself be carried and swaying slightly.  “Your hands are a lot gentler than I expected, to be honest.”

“We can be gentle.”  He sounded pissed off about it.

“All right, all right.”

“Master Halsin runs this place, and Master Halsin wants it to be peaceful.”

“Is that so?”  It was a new voice, and one Astarion hadn’t expected to hear.

Although maybe he should have.  Since Cazador had become the vampire ascendant, he could walk in sunlight now, too, after all.

***

Taglist:

@whumpsday @appelsiinilight @thatonegothlady

[aihoshiino]

i wonder how different the story would have gone if, instead of sending ryosuke, kamiki would have visited ai on his own.

the part of me that needs them to be happy says that while he isn't necessarily enamored with the twins at first, he still tries to his best with them. maybe they think he's their new babysitter at first, that'd be funny.

anyways, kamiki awkwardly co-parenting with ai and both of them fumbling through being exes and parents and still caring so deeply for eachother but also being too traumatized to properly communicate.

aqua and ruby are first hostile when they realize that this is the man that got ai pregante™, and then they become the twos biggest shippers. cue incredibly convoluted attempts to get them together again. (i feel that it is important to point out that they're still toddlers at that time, which would make this extra funny)

So the thing about HKAI and the mess that was their relationship is that Hikaru sending Ryosuke in his place is ultimately a symptom, not a cause. It is a consequence of his arrested development in regards to Ai and his inability to conceive of a world where the two of them exist separate of their relationship. To a degree, asking 'could Hikaru and Ai be happy if he didn't send Ryosuke' is kind of asking for Hikaru to be a different character, because at the place he's at at the moment he makes that decision, he can't not make that choice. I've described Ai's tragedy in the past as being simultaneously preventable and unavoidable and the same goes for Hikaru. It's like a fucked up reverse Oroborous - in order to create the conditions for him to be a happier and healthier person, he must already have started taking the steps towards becoming that person - or at least to be further down the road than he is at the equivalent point in canon.

Even if we remove Ryosuke from the picture, I can't really imagine things going that well. I kind of touched on it in a previous ask but even the one-sided conversation we hear that seals Ai's fate raises a lot of red flags for me. He leaps to assuming that Ai is trying to get back together with him and when gently turned down romantically but still offered an opening back into her life as the father of her children, he chooses to betray her trust and send someone to terrorize and potentially hurt Ai and their children so she could 'feel his despair'. Even if we believe his insistence that he really didn't think Ryosuke would kill her, this is still an utterly reprehensible thing to do. It implies a level of not just desire but outright entitlement - that he feels he has the right to 'punish' Ai for… what? Not wanting to rush back into a relationship with him after like, five years of minimal-to-no contact? When he's gone right ahead and proved that the issues that caused their breakup have not been resolved?

Obviously, this is not to say that Hikaru doesn't sincerely love Ai with all his heart or that he doesn't care for her at all. I actually think that contradiction between his clearly observable feelings for her and the actions he nevertheless chooses to take is really fascinating in what it adds to him as a character. A big part of the reason why Hikaru's so fucked up is because he's so deeply in love with Ai and so utterly unable to cultivate a nuanced or healthy relationship with his idea of her.

So… I guess if I'm honest, my vision of it is more Hikaru using visiting the twins as a way of leveraging his way back into Ai's life, successfully or otherwise. I don't really see a scenario where Hikaru is able to work out his shit and become a decent father or partner for Ai, just because too many of his issues are tangled up in this longed-for codependence with her. Maybe this older and wiser Ai could find a way to save him like she wished for, but… is it really fair to put that weight on her shoulders? Why should she, a person with her own desperate struggles and lack of support, go right back to performing the backbreaking emotional labor that contributed to that all-consuming codependence in the first place?

To be clear, I'm saying this as a proud HikaAi shipper who loves a fucked up life-warping codependent romance, but in the context of Oshi no Ko and when we're talking about what would actually make these characters happy, I think Hikaru and Ai, at the place they are at the time of the tragedy, are not in a position to make each other truly fulfilled and happy.

askslmdslkdlsmdsl i'm so sorry anon you sent me such a cute prompt and got this utterly harrowing essay in response 😭 I'M SORRY THAT'S JUST HOW IT CAME OUT

[imagionationstation]

Gender swap Donnie is my everything, I love it so much and AHHHDJDBSISBBKSOA

Actively feral as we speak, when reading the stuff about Dona I couldn’t help but think she would sound like Princess Bubblegum (cause you know two genius scientists who are little insane)

I am also wondering how she be like when dealing with Don Visio so and you know trying to kill him at one point. Also how protective are her brothers when it comes to love interests? Like I know you said Casey maybe a love interest but what about other mutants or even aliens flirting with her? How would they react to that? And with the Halloween special, what would Dona’s experience be with being turned into a vampire? Cause in the original Dracula book when it focused on turning women into vampires it was a little … um not good for the gal. So how would she be turned if that changes? Also how would the 1987 turtle crossover react to Dona?

Sorry if this is a lot I just have so many questions and just want to know what you think about this. I really like this au and want to read more about it and your thoughts.

Please don’t feel pressured to answer this and take your time I literally just found your blog and am re-re-re-re-reading as I am writing this. I love this idea and concept so much.

Also can I make art of Dona AU pls?

I am going insane as we speak.

(Not serious (take your time and take care of yourself))

(I always find it funny when people are like: Yk that movie/character/book series- and I’m just no?? Who told you that I did?? Never seen that before in my life.)

ANYWAY, I TOOK YOUR RECOMMENDATION VERY SERIOUSLY.

I WATCHED ME MANY A YOUTUBE CLIP!

And you must be hearing something I don’t because I don’t hear Donnie in Princess Bubblegum. She’s too soft spoken. And I don’t know if she could pull off the Donnie-isms from canon. No, no, if I needed to choose a voice for her- hmmm.

Entrapta from She-Ra would be my first pick, I think. Definitely.

I am also wondering how she be like when dealing with Don Visio so and you know trying to kill him at one point.

Exactly the same! Everything that happens with her in canon when facing him does not change in the slightest. The only difference would be that her brothers would be extremely ticked off in the episode Mutant Gangland. Even so, Leo would still be the voice of reason when talking her down in Heart of Evil.

Also how protective are her brothers when it comes to love interests? Like I know you said Casey maybe a love interest but what about other mutants or even aliens flirting with her? How would they react to that?

If someone begins flirting with Donnie, I think they’d only be protective if Donnie shows discomfort with the situation. I think this would happen a few times, but often, Donnie is completely oblivious and her brothers love watching people struggle. Of course, flirty is one thing. Making active moves on her is another.

Six feet apart, hands to yourself, thank you very much.

Now, if Donnie has a love interest, they’ll let it play out naturally. It’s her relationship and they wouldn’t want her interfering with theirs. They sus out the interest and then they leave it to her because they trust her to handle herself and know that if she ever does have any issues… She’s tell them. They’ll know.

I think if there’s a place for a relationship with Casey to start, it would be during the farmhouse arc. Before that, there was still a fair amount of bickering between them because she was having jelly feelings about April’s friendship with him and Irma.

April didn’t come down to the lair when she was hanging out with them and doing all kinds of human activities that Donnie couldn’t do. Once again, Donnie felt different. Not because she was a girl, but because she was a mutant. And they couldn’t hang out one-on-one when she starts dragging Casey down with her. At least Irma seemed friendly and smart! Casey Jones was so… Brash. Rude. Arrogant.

As she whined in the show, “Now we have TWO RAPHAELS!”

Eventually, though, she realizes that, just like Raph, he can be crude, but he’s also kinda a sweetheart deep down.

And with the Halloween special, what would Dona’s experience be with being turned into a vampire? Cause in the original Dracula book when it focused on turning women into vampires it was a little … um not good for the gal. So how would she be turned if that changes?

Um. Huh? I don’t… I guess I don’t know what that entailed?

Are you asking if the scene would be more sexual? Or if this grown man would be preying on a teenager? Ew, actually, wow, I don’t like that. REVERSE THOUGHT PROCESS REVERT REVERT

I think there’s too much happening to insert anything anyway.

There would probably be an inappropriate innuendo or two from Mikey about “vampires going after females” since he already makes iffy comments in the canon show. Why not more cringe?

I really don’t know if there’s anything I would change except for that part when April hypnotizes him. I’d make that more “friendship” and less “romance” (if you know what I mean). Otherwise, the episodes should stay the same as in canon.

Donnie simply gets bitten by April and turns into a vampire after helping her brothers and Renet reach a safe room. She tries to attack them but they manage to escape. They tussle later.

Also how would the 1987 turtle crossover react to Dona?

I think any crossovers would have the four brother iterations giving her a double-take. And the 1987 especially have never met a female of any of the brothers so they’d probably make a comment or two.

Heck, in the episode Trans-Dimensional Turtles, since there are no introductions, and they mainly use names versus pronouns through most of the episode, I think that the 1987 would just run off the assumption that she’s male. She doesn’t usually dress or act any differently from her brothers so there aren’t a lot of huge pointers that she’s of another sexuality.

And assuming the timelines they’ve seen and the timeline that they come from, it’s a reasonable assumption.

I think the reveal would probably be during the final episodes during the kitchen scene. It would likely be before they discuss Icecream Kitty and Chompy and 1987Donatello remarks, “Wow, our parallel works really are different.”

One of the brothers casually uses “she” while talking about her and 1987Raphael immediately interrupts with a baffled, “Wait, is your Donnie a girl?” In a tone that triggers Donnie’s sass “So what if I am!?” and, of course, 1987Raphael fires back some snide comment at the attack, and it takes all of her brothers intervening to calm her down and helping to explain in order to defuse the situation.

I don’t think I know them well enough to judge how they’d respond after the fact. I just assume the show continues as normal 🤔

Please don’t feel pressured to answer this and take your time I literally just found your blog and am re-re-re-re-reading as I am writing this. I love this idea and concept so much. Also can I make art of Dona AU pls?

I LOVE to hear that other people are going feral over her! Never apologize for your curiosity and never hesitate to ask!! I will answer all the questions I can when fate allows the time!

Absolutely, you can! Make all the fanart you want!

All I ask is that you tag me so I can see her! 💜