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One of these days I'm going to end up sleeping in my car
#spazzcat barks#when my mind is chasing itself in circles i tend to just drive and listen to loud music for awhile#sometimes hours#and always when i finally get home#theres a little voice in my head that says 'just sleep here'#except its very cold so i should not do that#i do in fact enjoy living life#but after doing the brain equivalet of pacing a hole through the floor#sometimes i just want to rest#without bothering with all the other steps of dragging my stuff in the house#and showering and changing clothes#and getting in bed#just let me sleep in my car#i live in the country now#i dont have to worry about random sirens or random people walking down the alley#the only sounds out there are horses and raccoons and coyotes#and none of those things can get in my car#come onnnnn come onnnnn lemme sleep in ny car#<- the devil talking probably#anyway tonights pacing in circles session is brought to you by the song Homeward Bound#in the quiet misty morning#when the moon has gone to bed#when the sparrows stop their singing#and the sky is clear and red#when the summer's ceased its gleaming#when the corn is past its prime#when adventure's lost its meaning#ill be homeward bound in time
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Every time my neighbours blast their selection of really bad music from 10 pm to 5 am I become a war criminal in my mind. Maybe in the future tumblr will have a feature that allows someone like op to judge me at the Thought Hague.
Man, if my neighbors blasted their selection of really good music at 2AM, I'd still be thinking shit that would land me in the gallows next to you at Crimethink Nuremberg.
#this is why i do not EVER EVER fuck with ''are you mad at me? 🥺'' people#it's a rhetorical question because they can't even handle if you're mildly irritated#i say this as someone who grew up with a parent that was always angry and often very cruel#having other adults in my life get kinda pissed at me and shrug it off was important#it demonstrated that for most people anger came in degrees and was morally neutral unless it was weaponized#if you're trying to create spaces for kids and teenagers to safely express anger you can't tell adults it's a cop who lives in their head#maybe this is only clear to me because i grew out my backbone and am immune to the christian brainrot that precipitates this shit#but like. 🥺👉👈 isn't an immutable trait. you do in fact have to try to accept that people won't like antisocial things you do#if you're going to be a dick and blast music late enjoy that shit instead of trying to guilt people into liking you#assbox#anonymous
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So I think I'm over my Obey Me Phase or like at least over Nightbringer because it's Season was shit but just you know food for thought...
Aint it funny how MC is now completely isolated from other humans/their friends/family/pets?
Like my friend and I were talking about it and like imagine MC has HUMAN/MORTAL family and friends that they talk to every time they were separated from the brothers. Like whenever the Immortals really tries them or pushes them they can go to their human friends for like a palate cleanser and a clear head/remind themselves and ground them to the reality of their situation/support from NOT blind lemmings. Like sort of remind them that they're still human and not on the same playing field as immortal Demons/Angels/Sorcerers
But now in Nightbringer that's literally stripped from them; MC has NO ONE outside of the Brothers/Immortals they're literally FORCED to bond with their circle of dysfunctionals and its like now you are stuck in that toxic friend circle because literally your circle of support hasn't been born/exist yet. That's fucking horrific.
No wonder MC is far more clingy and annoying in Nightbringer than they are in OG; Every lesson is a chip away at their original personality and sanity to replace it to the codependent creep MC is now lol.
#obey me nightbringer#obey me#obey me MC#obey me nightbringer MC#MC is so fucking annoying this is the only headcanon i can work with#No but like its so creepy because i always imagined MC balanced their human life and their Devildom life to stay rational but now#Well now with no circle of human/mortal supporters like their friends and family theyre literally forced to cling to the brothers#Its so terrifying about Nightbringer thats why Im still so upset we're stuck in the Past#Its shit like this that makes me unable to enjoy Time Travel Shit like I want to go for Boba with my friends but I cant do that#No i cant do that because I got a toxic friend group to babysit#No but like MC seems more stupid and clingy so my guess is theyre mentally unraveling to the point they just dont want to be alone#Like begging for validation and attention from anyone especially the immortals#Pray for MC theyre going into their codependent phase now#Don't worry; just like with real friends theyre not gonna break out of this for years until they get the courage#Which we all know MC doesnt have the balls to drop the brothers/Immortals like bad habits lol#Ima play with this headcanon until MC stops sucking or we go back to the future.#I miss MC's family and friends who have to live with the fact the immortals took them from them again
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assorted thoughts 1/when sklonda mentioned getting drinks with sandra lynn now and then I straight up cheered I was so scared for her social life being so overworked 2/straight up have no judgement on the whole ratgrinder situation on account of being a whole grown man. Im not getting into beef with fictional teenagers let them sort that out among themselves 3/sprak levefre
#not art#my oldest daughter with a grown sibling ass going I hope sklonda makes time to chill#she should be at the club. for free. they should pay her to be at the club#honestly its kind of a thing with riz too but thats more like. ok the thing is riz just fr loves mysteries#so tbh its more like if u yknow. love drawing and u draw for fun#and now u also draw for job. like I feel like thats the thing thats going on with riz#dude who playtests as a job and then goes home and plays more games. but with mysteries#but with sklonda it really feels like. its something shes Good at bc shes diligent and careful and has a moral spine#rather than something she actively enjoys. like her job is solidly her Job#so she immediately hits that alarm trigger in my brain seeing moms going about like#!!!⚠️⚠️STOP⚠️⚠️!! DO YOU HAVE A HOBBY ARE YOU CULTIVATING YOUR SOCIAL LIFE#and with her it fucking Got me too bc she just! doesnt seem to have the time to build that for herself#and the fact that she (Like Riz) is Living While Goblin in elmville and the isolation that probably entailed#like the empty nesting down the line would hit her like a baseball bat it would be Brutal#so genuinely knowing that she is casually hanging out with sandra lynn (and probably other parents in the group as well)#thats a whole piece of anxiety off my mind watching this show lmao. moms!#anyways sprak lefevre my beloved. actually I retract my vow of neutrality sprak's party better really like him and treat him right#or else.#he is prrrrrobably an artificer but personally itd be so funny if he isnt. what if hes a bard
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in my perfect world everyone makes so many lesbian muses the men then have to deal with the exact same behavior when every single post ever written isn’t about dick.
#CLAWS RETRACTED.#[real talk: I’m a lesbian transmasc little enby guy. but my gender? is lesbian. it’s how I explain it. my attraction to women is a part of#my innate gender. that’s just how it is and the two things inform one another. heteronormativity is still so alive and now everyone can put#it under progressive little labels where the character is bisexual but everything that’s focused on for miles is the hetcoded shit. it’s a#cool little thing people do now. it went from when I was a kid and ‘there’s no such thing as bi you’re just confused’ to ‘everyone is bi#because it gives me points but I will never meaningfully observe the queer aspect of that identity and it can make me seem comfortable with#queer identities’. it’s lip service so much of the time. and I never ever ever say you’re only valid if you write bi characters in a#queercoded relationship. bisexuality is forever valid always even if you’ve NEVER been in a queer relationship. but this is writing and#real bisexual people (I’m not even bi I’m literally a lesbian) have experiences irl that make them feel shitty#when they see them boiled down to shallow. a lot in the same way I get upset when I see lesbian relationships brushed off or ignored in#spite of my own excitement toward the ship. MY POINT IS that lesbians are completely ignored by this point and I can say this both irl and#on here because when you live a life that excludes men from your romantic space you’re basically illegal. it drives me fucking insane. the#way anyone can make a fucking whitebread ass man on this site and their inbox will be exploding but you make a lesbian and you have to pad#quietly around because from jump you’re already worried about how people will perceive you and you KNOW they won’t be immediately welcoming.#this is an irl thing in such a big way and I’m a NEW YORKER. but the fact that this exists in the rpc? truly I miss when we just wrote and#enjoyed things and this wasn’t a cesspit of discourse instead of an actual creative community. like. I went to college to study boring#theses that couldn’t keep my attention. I slogged through litcrit theory. do I love it? yes. but some of yall really just wanna be on#debatebro YouTube and not in the actual rpc. it’s wild. everyone’s a philosopher but no one wants to meaningfully engage. and if they do#they want to in either bad faith or basically hardheaded ignorance about an issue. someone’s 2 seconds from rping destiny.#swear to fucking god if I see one person make an asm.ngold joke I will cry.]
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Fuck my stupid lonely gay life
#AUGHH. AM I EVEN CAPABLE OF CONNECTING WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS#gun to my head. am i even a real person anymore#i dont even like talking to other people is the worst part#sometimes i wonder how my life would be if i hadnt developed insanely severe social anxiety in high school#never trust how you feel about your life after 8pm <- repeating this over and over#how do people even make online friends. like. i guess i would have to actually talk to people#but even then what if i say something wrong. what if i dont have anything to say. scary#i think a new hyperfixation would fix me (haha ) but i havent been able to enjoy anything on that level recently and its kind of#PISSING ME OFF but whatever. is this what neurotypical peoples lives are like. how do they do it#pacing in a circle zoloft takes 8 weeks to work zoloft takes 8 weeks#i guess i use this account as a vent mostly but thats because i have no where else to . LOL#whatever. another vent post for the ages. this ones not even coherent. im so good at talking about fucking nothing dude#vent#talking#i like going through my own vent posts and analyzing my character development like im from a story#hey past me i hate to zay it but stimulants did not fix your problems. in fact they sent you into a major dissociative episode#got put on ritalin now but i dont think its gonna help probably. but maybe thats because the last two adhd medications were so terrible#but i think my adhd too bad for weak stimulant and my anxiety too bad for strong stimulant . my mental illness cocktail untreatable#im so glad you cant see views on tumblr that shit made me so anxious on twitter i deleted an entire account lol#bro cant make friends and he cant maintain the friendships he has 😭 what a loser
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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I’m thinking about that one uquiz about what emotion you create from
I got discontent as a result, and I’m not sure how to feel about the fact that I understand more & more why I got it as the days go by
#of course my sona’s lore is about escaping from a mundane life to explore an infinite multiverse#of course my OCs’ world is a fantastical love letter to everything I’ve loved and enjoyed#my actual life feels too bland#too mundane#and I don’t think my parents are any help#they never told me they were divorced#I just thought it was weird that I only lived with my mom growing up#and she still probably thinks my pansexuality’s a phase#I don’t even think she’ll accept the fact that her ‘daughter’ is nonbinary#I rarely see my Dad and I’m not sure how he’ll take it either#I used to be close to my other cousins in Canada but I feel so disconnected from them after the pandemic#god#that whole period changed the trajectory of my life#pre-pandemic anni feels like a past life#I’m not sure if I miss the person I was back then#their problems could’ve been fixed if they learned more about their identity#qsmp & disventure camp would’ve done wonders for me if they were released back then#I feel more happier now but even then it’s primarily thanks to the internet#I’ve started using Twitter which sounds shocking but it’s only for the funny posts and fanart#I rarely do much on Tumblr anymore but I am still so grateful for everyone I’ve befriended on this hellsite#even if we don’t interact as much#then again school’s been keeping me busy but whatever#…#jeez I didn’t expect this to become a vent post#this rarely happens but it kinda felt great to vent this stuff out#especially that part about my parents#tw vent#vent post
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sometimes it’s just… ‘oh had so much fun on vacation!’ ‘went to a cool concert!’ ‘had a fun day out with my friends!’ cool??? don’t remember what the fuck that’s like since i’m constantly the one forced to be in charge of everything ever.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i have a car? of COURSE I must be the ride if anybody wants to do anything. that’s my fucking JOB. birthday? figure out my own plans. can’t#exactly make them because Mia’s sick. have a devastatingly depressing birthday in my house trying not to cry all day. vacation??? lmfao I#haven’t gone anywhere in three fucking years what’s that like??? I am absolutely bitter and exhausted and fucking angry. I have no family#left because they all died. and the last person I DO have is so sick the only enrichment I can receive is taking care of her. until#hopefully she gets better. but when is THAT guaranteed in my shithole fucking life??? I love spiraling with no way to remedy the issue#because I literally live with the fucking issue and she’s the last thing I have. basically: fuck life and fuck this. I don’t even know what#it’s like. I don’t even know how to fucking enjoy anything anymore because I CANT. THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY TO. I DO NOT HAVE ONE. In fact I#have to do MODULES FOR WORK. THAT. THAT is the most FUCKING stimulation I can get. whatever. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate#everything everything everything. and this is purposeless because it ain’t gonna stop! anytime soon! ever!]#medical /#negativity /#negative /
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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the telltale sign that you've been watching good films is when you get legitimately confused by two-person relationships in media. Like. where's the third person? we need them.
#you NEED at least three people. at LEAST#gotta have that triangular dynamic in your relationship or what is even the point? why do i care?#are they a love triangle? a throuple? three people who simply have had a profound and potentially fucked up effect on each others' lives?#who knows! not me!!!!!#but i am eating up every moment#(context: i tricked myself into rewatching a film i really enjoy by making it a necessity for my schoolwork and now i am THINKING)#i love the fact that triangular relationships have ALWAYS been my shit and now i'm suddenly discovering that there's a bunch of films#that are interested in exploring it in a much deeper way than a simple love triangle where one person gets chosen over another#bc life is soooooooooo much more complicated than that and these films GET IT#anyway.#i need to watch more films i haven't seen before but i also need to rewatch my favorites over and over and over and over and over and over#DO YOU SEE MY ISSUE?????????
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me: this is going to be my nice, fun, lighthearted fandom where I just write lots of low-pressure goofy shit, I really need that right now me: me: me: me: trips and lands 1100 words into a fic about Laura, "Worst!"Logan, and the seven million psychological complexes that Laura's original Logan by all logic would have left her with
#deadpool and wolverine#I loved logan the movie and I loved logan the character in it#but I rewatched for this purpose and jesus christ that man did not do well by her#he might've if he'd had time. but he didn't.#and I greatly enjoyed deadpool and wolverine but it took a goddamn steamroller to her in the interests of its logan's character development#and I Just Think it's much more interesting if we let her have an incredibly complicated relationship with both of them#and if we take an actual look at the fact that 'worst'!logan opens up to her faster in ten minutes than her logan does in two hundred miles#because if we take that as a deliberate point of divergence between logans - it makes sense#he tells us in the same scene that his life is defined by losing people before he ever admitted he cared about them#and that the second is a profound and intrinsic part of the regret#so let's get into that!#let's bounce that off a laura who remembers that the man who saved her life also tried time and again to leave her behind#that he told her to her face she ruined his life#that she accused him of not caring about her and he didn't say a damn word#that he came to save her life and died doing it but he was suicidal when he did it and she damn well knew it#she is not! going! to have simple or straightforward emotions about this man!#she has every reason to be furious and guilty and to grieve not only his death but also everything he never chose to be to her#and everything he might never have chosen to be even if he lived#every reason to feel rejected and abandoned by his life and by his death alike#every reason to wonder if he ever would have let her call him her father if he had the blood in him to argue#every reason to wonder how much she needs to do to count as 'not what they made you'#every reason to struggle to meet the half-spoken standards of a ghost#does she know how much of that was his own self-loathing? does she know he was asking her to do what he never thought he managed?#is it better or worse if she doesn't?#and hell. let's just throw in there what it says that the 'worst' version of logan is more willing to meet her in this than his better self#what exactly are we valuing when we decide that the washed-up alcoholic is the worst thing this man can be?#....so you see why the fic just. happened. since I cannot shut up about this#but by god it's being a bastard to write#much much more difficult than the ''hi wade!' [yukio waves across a kink dungeon and deals wade 2d6 psychic damage]' WIP
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me the last few weeks
#life is very boring for me presently. i think the problem is im no longer in crisis mode cutting every other week to cope#so now it's just like. ok what now#i legit just need to get emotionally invested in my life again lmao like i genuinely miss when i cared enough to be making bad decisions#what do you call it when you dont want to kill yourself but also feel theres not much reason to keep living either#all of this is symptomatic of how much i need to get the fuck out of here and live by my own choice rather than obligationnnn#hard to describe how fucked up it is to feel like there's nobody i can legitimately consider a friend in my life#there's people i know enjoy my presence but simultaneously i can feel that tension extant between#my circumstances and the fact for our relationship to be anything more than acquaintance#i have to be able to provide something material#not in terms of value but in terms of like. material support or at least a consistency of conversation#i don't feel at all insecure is the thing. i just feel trapped. i can't perform who i want to be in a way that matters#i know what i can do but i can't do it
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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I’m going to. rip my fucking hair out.
#Why why why can’t I enjoy anything ever like it’s so draining I can’t even explain it#Everything makes me anxious and I really REALLY don’t think thats normal nor do I think it’s just general anxiety#I want. answers genuinely but no I can’t see help because of my mom. I probably won’t be able to find out what my fucking problem is until#I’m like. 18 or older#Well into my 20s even#Fuck. it’s like. would I even be able to afford a therapist.#especially if I got disowned/kicked out#I keep trying to convince my mom to get me help/try to get me a diagnosis#and she just doesn’t want to fucking. help me. it’s not even a money thing it’s the fact she DOESNT GIVE A FUCK about her child’s mental#problems and health. Besides if I got diagnosed with like. adhd like everyone says I have (I think it could be that or something deeper) it#would literally end in her getting MORE FUCKING MONEY like our homeschool funds thing would give us more money for like#disability or whatever. if it were adhd. I forget.#I’m trying to use that to convince her and she just doesn’t listen#but honestly it’s like. what’s the point. I know I would feel better if I had a diagnosis because I would know the actual cause of my issue#and would easily find ways to combat it and help myself instead of listening to everyone say I have adhd without a diagnosis and go by that#Because everything I do to try and help with adhd doesn’t fucking work with my deeper mental issues.#And to be really honest I think it’s a personality disorder and I’ve done my own research and I show majority of BPD symptoms#And it’s commonly mistook for adhd. But I would NEVER express that to my mom because she would twist it into me being abusive and awful#again like. fuck even if I can’t get medicated I know I would feel so. so much better about myself knowing WHY I’m like this#Instead of living my life questioning what the fuck is wrong with me#I’m so sick of being different#if you read this. why would u put urself through that.
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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