#i dissociate a lot and its always the first thing people suggest. but i think one reason i dissociate is

[autisticlee]

sometimes I have autistic realizations that hit really hard.

I'm listening to a podcast (science vs) episode about meditation and what it does/how you do it/if it works. first there was an example of a meditation for mindfulness and focusing on breathing and how it feels. I was thinking how that seems pointless because i'm always aware of how it feels to breathe: my chronically stuffy nose, asthma, ribcage/back hurting if I breathe too deep/etc. but I already knew I have to think about breathing more than most people or I might accidentally hold my breath, and my chronic stuffy nose is very annoying to deal with.

then this part i'm at now talks about how most people go through taking a shower without really realizing they're doing it, like they arent feeling the shower sensations and just go through the motions. so mindful showering is feeling the water on your skin, feeling the temperature of the water and how it changes, etc. "being present, knowing what it feels like, knowing you are there and alive and having that experience..." and that's what mindfulness is.

the thing about me, due to being autistic, i'm basically practicing mindfulness 24/7 against my will. my sensory units in my brain are on constant overdrive and I cannot turn them off. i'm aware of every sensation and feeling and sound and etc at all times and can't ignore them.

the big realization this gave me is that...I'm profoundly aware of being alive and present. i'm overly aware of what i'm experiencing at all times. while most people can use mindfulness to ground themselves from overwhelm and anxiety caused by every day life worries, I GET anxiety and overwhelm from mindfulness-like experiences.

how do i tune things out and turn off my brain? I need an anti-mindfulness method that isn't dissociating out of my mind 😅

[nocturnowlette]

After a long time exploring hypnosis and wondering about its mechanics and functions and digging into everything I could, I have come to somewhat of a complete answer to the question of...

"What is hypnosis?"

I went through a lot of different answers over time, specifically attempting to peel back layers of arbitrariness to how we define hypnosis, and through learning how it works and talking with many other hypnotists and subjects about their views, the conclusion I've come to is simple: Hypnosis is not a state or a unique nonstate interaction. Hypnosis, and specifically hypnosis, does not actually exist.

The things that construct hypnosis do exist. In my opinion, those things are: focus, suggestibility, dissociation, and compartmentalization.

Focus in this analysis is defined as the threshold that defines what of the information we take in at all times is given attention. It is a filter limited in size that optimizes what our minds need to be aware of. It is specifically and deeply important to note that focus is limited.

Our entire sense of reality is always constructed out of a limited amount of stimuli, and so, small things, depending on how intense of focus is, can construct a significant portion of what our mind is taking in. To borrow the example of Plato's Allegory of the Cave, the people who from birth have only been able to witness silhouettes casting on to cave walls, that amount of stimuli is what composes their entire construct of what reality is. If, one day, the lights went out, it would be tantamount to an apocalypse.

In the act we call Hypnosis, the hypnotist attempts to consume as much of one's focus as possible as to project their ideas as largely as possible in the minds of their subjects.

Suggestibility in this analysis is defined as the simple and almost boring to describe function of the mind responding to new stimuli. If you respond to any new amount of information to enter your mind from reading a new word to feeling temperature to having your heart broken after a breakup. It might seem redundant to cast such a wide net for suggestibility, but if you remove all arbitrary restrictions, this is truly what suggestibility is.

Our minds have no connection to some absolute truth. To our minds, all information taken in is, at first, equally real to us. We need to create the understanding that some stimuli is fake and some is real, and that step comes after the initial absorption of information. Even the concept of fake and real need to be learned.

Our minds react strongly to purely hypothetical information all of the time. Anxiety, depression, worrying about future tests or the next job evaluation. If our mind believes with all of its heart that a bear is standing right behind us, our body will jump into fight or flight. The "actual reality" of the situation is irrelevant to the brain because it's not something the brain could ever connect with. Our minds, by design, extrapolate on limited information. We are designed to be suggested. Hypnotists simply exploit this necessary aspect of the mind.

Dissociation in this analysis is defined as any function of the mind that separates its awareness or means of processing information from its current, immediate environment. The actual traditional definition of dissociation obviously applies, but so does "meditation" and "immersion" and "highway hypnosis" and "flow states". The mind is always somewhat dissociated, just like it is always in a state of uneven focus and always suggestible.

If it separates you from the current, tangible, "real" moment and places you within a state of heightened focus on hypothetical or fake information, it is some function of dissociation.

This can be assisted by cutting off things like eyesight or fixating it on one point so that new information stops being taken in. This is also what leads to easier thinking while doing familiar tasks like chores or showering. The stimuli around you is so familiar that the mind has nothing to process, leading to an increase in internal thinking. Look into the default mode network if you're curious about learning more.

Compartmentalization in this analysis is defined as the process of drawing a conceptual outline around something in order to make it one defined thing. The field of analysis surrounding this is called Ontology, the study of what makes a thing a thing. In our minds, this is the process of building blocks of knowledge.

You can learn specific concepts like "chairs" or "self" or "red" and then build associations between those things, creating cities of knowledge where each thing connects to another in order to inform our perception and processing of everything we ever take in.

Compartmentalization is the thing that makes learning possible, and we exist constantly within perceptive structures that turn the chaotic series of stimuli we're always absorbing into a thing that makes sense. It is also the thing that makes triggers possible, it's what conditioning functions with.

We, as hypnotists, literally teach the concept of the trigger and build its associations so that the memory can then later be referenced.

When these interact, we have a dissociated subject (making them more able to accept hypothetical information and suspend their disbelief) whose focus has been drawn in strongly (thus making the information taken in construct a much larger piece of their reality), in order to suggest ideas to the mind that it partially takes as fact despite the hypothetical nature in order to compartmentalize and condition specific desired responses within the subject.

One could then say that hypnosis is this interaction. However, when considering such a thing, holes begin to form in that idea. The strongest case against it is actually quite simple and quite immutable: these four things already interact with eachother all of the time. In fact, they're designed to, it is the entire point of each function to do so. It would be defining hypnosis as the process of percieving.

You could then say that it is the faulty interaction of these four things. Hypnosis would then still apply to phantom pains and psyching yourself up and going to therapy. Hypothetical and often wrong feelings and ideas self-suggest us an uncountable amount of times per day.

What if, then, it was the intentional exploitation of these four elements? Well beyond the fact that almost nobody who does hypnosis knows about these things and that it can be done without knowing anything about hypnosis, it would again be defined as psyching someone else up or lying to someone or reading a book made by anyone that is not yourself.

This is all to say that nothing about hypnosis is unique at all. Every function and idea that could be applied to hypnosis could be applied to a wider function or idea, and so every attempt to define hypnosis begins creating arbitrary distinctions, ones that just nervously ignore every blurry line.

Once every possibility is whittled down, the only remaining one is that hypnosis is the act of participating in hypnosis.

While hypnosis is not a state, it is compartmentalized as one. It is the concept of a state of mind in which you can be suggested and controlled. It is the concept of a state of a heightened version of each of these four elements, and the compartmentalization of it as a state is the thing that gives hypnosis power.

It is a natural consequence of the mind's awareness of itself and its own manner of perception, a cognitohazard that is self-referential and self-reinforcing, using the real functions that our minds use to imagine a specific and distinct thing that occurs when they combine and the powers that are possible once that concept occurs.

Hypnosis itself is a conditioned concept.

Experienced subjects drop into trance easier not because they've being "conditioned better to hypnosis", it's because new subjects literally do not know or understand what it is. Experienced subjects draw on memory to fall into hypnosis, they are referencing the concept in their mind and emulating what it is that they believe it to be.

The concept of hypnosis is triggered by ideas that make the subject remember hypnosis.

This also means that hypnosis is different for every single person that is made aware of it. They all share similarities, but it makes it that so long as that something is rested in perception, the subject can be manipulated in almost any way so long as they believe with all of their mind that they can be affected that way.

If a subject believes they can lose full control of themselves, it will happen.

This makes it so that first impressions can matter a lot, that trauma and fears and anxieties can entirely change of how conditions and processes hypnosis, and that the concept can be changed and reconditioned over time, meaning nobody is hopeless.

To conclude, hypnosis is an imaginary but inevitable idea that uses each function that is associated with it to create itself and reinforce itself, and its existence as a state or process/interaction and defined concept in the mind that legitimizes it and allows us to detach ourselves from our own control.

It is not a state, but a concept of a state or process, and a concept that can be spread and taught and reinforced collectively through the idea of it existing.

This is, after a very long time of searching, what feels to be a satisfying relatively unified theory of hypnosis for me, and has tied off the majority of loose ends I had for it.

As a last note, don't take "imaginary" as a means to believe that it is weak or fragile. While it in itself does not exist in the way most things do, as spoken about before, "imaginary" can be as real to us as "real". Our minds don't necessarily know the difference.

Even further, this should be deeply freeing to know. Hypnosis can be whatever you want it to be. If it exists in perception, you can work to tweak it. Context always matters though, of course.

I hope you enjoyed reading. I don't know if anyone other than me has concluded this (I mean I'm sure others have), but I hope that something has been gained from your own perspective.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

[system-of-a-feather]

Trauma, Mindfulness and Meditation

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This is NOT professional advice. This is NOT medical advice. This is SOLELY peer advice and pointers from my experience with CPTSD / DID and as a Buddhist; try this and engage with the topics mentioned here at your own careful discretion

I was thinking about it this morning, but the way a lot of professionals and practitioners handle the topic of Mindfulness and Meditation comes from the way that they are clinically taught and ways that are primarily geared for individuals who have not spent the majority of their life 1) dissociated and 2) holding a shit ton of trauma in the body; thus a lot of the time, approaching mindfulness and meditation can be - often as the common best first experience - an extremely challenging thing for individuals with C-PTSD and/or DID to engage with or out right triggering / flooding to engage with. Often the methods - in my experience - that therapist have tried relate either back to the 5-4-3 Method (which helps more acutely) or jumping right into sitting in silence, paying attention to your body / breath, and clearing your mind which often simply does not work for me. The former is very helpful and I do think its a great tool and thing to practice to work on grounding, but what I wanted to kind of discuss was the latter approach.

Mindfulness and Meditation are two things that are extremely prevalent in Buddhist practice and philosophy, and multiple therapy types have taken inspiration and notes from those particular practices and it isn't to say that those applications are wrong - they aren't and both of those are things that are suggested in some branches of Buddhism and by some practitioners - but as someone who is a practicing Buddhist, I think there is some details lost in translation that make mindfulness and meditation a lot more accessible to all.

Misconceptions of Terminology

I find the words "meditation" and "mindfulness" thrown around a lot, but often times, I find a lot of people have a slightly warped / off understanding of it.

In both Buddhist perspective AND clinical perspective, Mindfulness is simply being aware of the present. In a lot of mental health spaces, mindfulness can be added onto and emphasized in specific areas - such as emotional / body mindfulness and similar - but at the end of the day, mindfulness is the simple concept of being aware of the current present moment right now.

Meditation, however, is the concept I find most people have an extremely limited understanding of and concept of in western spaces - including professional spaces. Often, when people talk about meditation in western spaces, people assume that it is sitting down in a cross legged position, hands resting connected to the side, and breathing as you empty your head of all thoughts and - in some practices - that is true, but meditation is far more than that.

Meditation, in itself, is an art form and an active and intentional action, a focus on deeply engaging and observing the action and the state of being that you are in the present moment.

Most importantly, meditation is NOT about emptying your mind of all thoughts and that is often a pitfall ALL people seem to get stuck in. If you try to not think, you will be thinking about not thinking. Your brain will always have thoughts going around, and thats okay and normal! Meditation is about focusing on the present and engaging in active awareness and letting all the other thoughts simply pass by. It's about looking THROUGH the thoughts to observe the now.

The reason meditation is often understood to be the stereotypical sitting position is because of media, Orientalism, and the fact that its a much easier to understand concept for people who are unfamiliar with it to learn and emulate. In a Buddhist perspective, that form of meditation is the act of intentional sitting and/or intentional breathing. You are practicing being fully engaged in the simple act of just sitting or just breathing which is a fundamental step to the end goal of the practice of Just Being and often, for people who are not chronically dissociated, it is a really good starting point.

In my experience, however, as a dissociative person who has been disconnected from my body and survived by endless moving and endless hypervigilance, the skill of just sitting and just breathing were WAY too high of a bar for my current capabilities; thus whenever I tried to do it, I would get uncomfortable and my brain would immediately reject it no matter how much I intentionally tried. So I wanted to provide some "steps" up to that point coming from the perspective of a Buddhist who has / had DID.

Meditation is More than Sitting and Breathing

I honestly think if anything of this post is too long wound or anything, I do strongly recommend just listening to Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche talk about awareness and meditation, because honestly he handles the intricacies better than I do.

In my practice, the first and most important mini-step in learning mindfulness and meditation as a skill, is to first practice the intention to practice it in a manner that is conducive to skill building.

With that in mind, the first goal / skill to master is a rather simple one. Practice going outside with little to no distractions (don't bring electronics or if you do, keep it off and don't use them; limit the fidgets, limit artificial / man made stimuli and distractions, etc) and just find a place to stand, sit, walk. Do this maybe two minutes every other day. Practice at that time point until it becomes easy or, even better, you find yourself naturally wanting to do longer periods.

Finding time, willpower, and the intent to take time out of your day to day to build the skills of Just Being is - in itself - a very difficult task for some, so be kind to yourself. It's hard choose to step back and slow down in modern society, and even harder to apply it

The goal of this step is to just built the habit and awareness of your intent to practice and your interest in building this skill as that habit / intuitive awareness of your intent to practice will help with the second step.

The second step, one that can be done while you are practicing the first if you are comfortable, is to build the skill of observing and intentionally choosing to being aware of things.

This is a skill you don't actually necessarily have to go outside to do, but I find the best practice of this skill is done in combination with the first one. To practice this skill, you have to just simply pause your day to day life every so often and simply *look* at something. This sounds easy, but is deceivingly often hard to do when you start. With that in mind, there are two ways I recommend practicing this depending on how it works for you.

The first way it to practice this DURING the dedicated time you have set aside for building the skill of intentional practice. If you are outside, just choose to look at something, observe it in detail. Try to keep the thing in the forefront of your mind for an extended period of time. What does it look like? How does it move? What things are interacting with it? Even if its an inanimate object, what does it feel? What does it mean? Where does it exist in the world and in life? Just let your thoughts about that object and what you see flow wherever it goes, but try to keep that object as the center of your focus for some time. Do it again with another thing, perhaps observe the existence of two things in relation to each other. Just deeply look and focus on something you see.

I personally love to look at the color green or the movement of life / living beings, but in less abstract concepts of observation; you can just observe trees, leaves, wind, birds, bugs, people, rocks, water, etc. Whatever seems nice, just observe it in depth. If your thoughts trail off from the object, that's okay! Just gently guide your focus back to the object, and return to your observations. Look at things like its the first time you've ever seen it, like you were an alien just stopped onto the face of the earth and this thing in front of you is the most mysterious thing you've ever seen.

The second way, and the most practically applicable way to build this skill is to - throughout your day and day - intentionally be aware of an object when you were otherwise just going about your day to day. That sounds easy, but the challenge is that you have to make yourself think of something when you are otherwise not thinking about it. That's why its helpful in the first step to let the intent of practice become something that floats in your mind. If you are going about your day to day, and you catch the thought passing about this post, mindfulness, meditation, practicing your skill, you can grab that floating thought as a reminder to just be aware of yourself and your action.

Right now, pause reading, look around, and find something around you. Observe it, focus on it, think about it for a bit, acknowledge its existence in relation to everything, acknowledge its state of being, what its doing, what it's purpose. Deeply and intentionally acknowledge that it is there. What's interesting about it?

Right now, I have a white plastic bin near me. I actually usually forget that it's there because I'm accustomed to it always being there that I only really notice or pay attention to it when I want to use it, but it is there. It has my pencils and pens and markers and sticky notes. I've had it actually for years and its always been there, but today I actually am looking at it, and its actually a bit lopsided as it stands because it was placed under a notebook that I actually don't remember what it has written in because I have genuinely forgotten that notebook existed. Both the plastic bin and the book are there, I had forgotten they were there and I stopped being aware of them, but they are there. I don't think I need to do anything about them being there, but maybe I should see what the notebook was used for. Maybe I should put it in another place.

With those TWO skills, you can probably fill years of practice. All of that, by the way, is considered meditation, both halves independently or in tandem, is meditation. The point of both of those practices, is the overall combined skill of actively choosing to pause the autopilot flow of life / stress and to practice being present in the moment, the most fundamental core of both mindfulness and meditation.

Overtime with practice, being able to pause your thoughts, your experience, your feelings, and to take a momentary step back and just observe yourself, your internal experience, and your external experience becomes easier; sitting and doing nothing but sitting becomes easier; breathing and doing nothing but breathing becomes easier and - the most valuable thing for me - the ability to exist with yourself and enjoy just being, becomes easier.

[self-loving-vampire]

While on that subject, one of the stories about abuse that resonated the most with me (besides Tsukihime, which is also about a ton of other things) is the short manga titled May My Father Die Soon.

Part of this is that it avoids the "perfect victim" narrative I complained about the other night (although not to the same extent as some other characters I know).

Spoilers and discussions of child abuse (including a couple of personal things) below the cut.

Asuka is obviously the sympathetic party, but the abuse coming her way is not depicted as just random outbursts with no rhyme or reason like in some other stories. Abusers like that do exist, to be clear, but my experience was more with violence as a tool to coerce and attempt to shape behavior.

The abuser often has some kind of excuse for what they're doing. Something that helps them convince themselves that what they are doing is right and proper, maybe even necessary. It doesn't mean their behavior is good, but it means there's a logic to it that the victim comes to understand and navigate.

The first time we really witness what Asuka's home situation is like is when she neglects her chores to play video games with her sister.

Hitting children for not doing the laundry is wrong, but it is something that a lot of abusive parents would find to be justified. They think they are teaching their children discipline and virtuous behavior when they do that. They think they are preventing their children from becoming spoiled and lazy.

Sometimes people are even abused after doing things that are legitimately wrong, but this does not justify the abuse. It's a type of nuance that is missing from depictions in which the abuser is just a gleeful sadist who just hates their victim and enjoys hurting them.

A lot of these parents think they are doing the right thing and use violence as a means rather than an end. After stomping on his own daughter he refers to what he just did as "discipline" and acts as if it's just a burdensome duty he has to deal with rather than an act of violence he inflicted on an actual human being.

He is also quick to pull out the "I give you food and shelter so be eternally grateful and always obey me" card.

Which is, again, something I have heard expressed by multiple authoritarian parents both in my personal life and online. "I pay the bills so they must do everything I say" or "I am a good parent because I do the legal minimum to provide for them".

I also like how Asuka does not react to her abuse in a perfectly meek and submissive way like the "perfect victim" archetype usually does. She not only eventually contemplates patricide out of desperation but also shares her sister's anger even if she tries to put on a more "role model-like" front about it.

She hates how she's being treated, and she even lashes out against her sister and feels disgusted with herself afterwards. It's very different from the depictions where the victim only has "nice" and endearing symptoms like low self-esteem.

The scene in which she tries to get help from the law only for her to be dismissed (her father is a respected and influential person) and punished for it also carries a sort of despair that I'm very familiar with.

One of the times my mother came to sleep in my room because my father was being violent (I used to protect her from him) I naively suggested calling the police. She said it would only provoke him into potentially lethal escalation and that the police would not act unless he did something extreme, like killing or hospitalizing someone. Hearing that from an experienced lawyer would have been pretty chilling if I had not already been dissociating for years at that point, but the information and its implications sank in regardless of how I felt about it.

He was a rich business administrator and CEO considered a good and successful person in the adult world. He once even mockingly dared me to call the police on him, knowing nothing would come out of it.

The only reason I still bothered to fight back against him physically is because I did not care about myself enough not to at that time. Might as well inconvenience and hurt him if I'm fucked either way.

Her father then proceeds to draft her into his company (hey that seems like a very specific and unusual thing but it also happened to me!) in a way that further highlights the way in which his behavior is actually in accord with authoritarian parenting norms.

His reasoning is that he's not going to just give her handouts. She needs to work for a living. This sounds reasonable to a lot of people, who worry about "spoiling" their children by being too generous in providing for them without demanding effort, but here we can see the ways in which it tightens the leash.

She can't decide on her own future and is impeded in independently financing her escape because her finances are going to be dependent on him and his approval.

This is something that a lot of people actually miss when thinking about the children of abusive but wealthy parents. You don't actually have free access to your parents' resources. You have purely conditional access that relies on pleasing them and conforming to their wishes. Meanwhile, they have an increased level of reach, resources, and respectability to prevent you from escaping.

Another heartbreaking bit is how the abuse has become so life-defining for her that she doesn't really know what she wants to do with herself. The one wish she can think of is just not being abused anymore.

She is eventually forbidden from freely leaving the house entirely, and while sexually abusing her again he once again makes it explicit that he considers her property...

And when the subject of Hotaru (Asuka's younger sister) comes up, he goes on a monologue that those of us who defied authoritarian parents may be familiar with.

The whole "I have been too nice but it only made you spoiled (as proven by your defiance) so from now on I'm going to hurt and control you more" thing.

And he also drops this line.

To an authoritarian parent, disobedience of any kind to any degree is a deadly sin that must be beaten out of children as if they were dogs in training. If you read conservative parenting "experts" like James Dobson you can even find them saying this kind of thing explicitly.

I also like that Hotaru provides a different, also resonant exploration of how someone might react to abuse in addition to Asuka. Even after being hit to the point of bleeding by her father, she remains willful and tries to hold on to her own independence even if obedience would hurt less.

And, like Asuka, she's not a Perfect Victim either. She is the one who helps finish her own father off after all (after being given a lecture on rehabilitation no less). The conversation she has with her sister regarding worker ants also shows she is interested in her own autonomy and leisure to a degree that would be considered "spoiled" by a lot of people. She should aspire to be a hard worker who pleases others at the cost of her own happiness like her older sister was raised to do, right?

I especially like that she's wearing an "I love myself <3" T-shirt during the scene in which she rejects the efforts to beat her into submission as well as Asuka's recommendation to give in and obey. Kind of heavy-handed, but cute.

I also like the flashback that shows that there was once a time Asuka's parents were kind to her and she sincerely loved them.

Children are in a situation where they are strongly predisposed towards loving their parents by default and need to be loved back. It often takes a lot to change that. Some people, like Hotaru, change pretty early on while others try to cling to this need for a lot longer.

This is complicated by the fact that the parents may start out "kind" until their children start disobeying them, at which point they turn increasingly violent and controlling.

Asuka eventually realizes that she will never be truly happy if her life revolves around being her father's property. That even if she was to hollow herself out into exactly the kind of obedient doll he wants her to be she will be miserable. With no options left to escape, she becomes suicidal.

This leads to a panel that is like... pretty much straight-up an exact conversation I have had before.

"I provide. I have money that you benefit from. Your life is way better than that of poor people. You should be grateful and do everything I say." again.

Like paying the bills mean they own you and can do as they please.

It really feels like a good understanding of not just the victims involved but also of this type of abuser as well, and even now I get the impression that if I had failed to think of a plan for how to escape them my own situation could have also ended up with a murder, a suicide, or both even though I'm not a violent person at all. The desperation as all of your peaceful options are cut off is very real.

I'm really happy it did not come to that in my case, but I still did many things that a "perfect victim" would not be allowed to, like becoming manipulative and deceiving my parents for the sake of escaping. I don't feel guilty about it either, and eventually lost much of my sense of empathy (oddly, this happened after I had already gotten away).

So even though I did not actually kill my abuser I still relate to characters who end up doing that, because to me it feels like a bad ending I was this close to getting despite not really wanting that to happen.

Anyway, I feel really seen and understood by this story to a much greater degree than I do in more sanitized, black and white stories about abuse in which the victims never do anything remotely bad and the abusers are moral aberrations who just enjoy hurting people for fun.

[the-bloody-sadist]

Thank you for your last advice! I have another question, if I may. Do you have any advice on writing dissociation during torture? Is it something a character can learn? How long might it take them to grow sort of mentally numb or broken (for lack of a better wording)? And perhaps the most important question, could music help the dissociation process? 🐋

Oh gods, I love talking about dissociation. For me, writing it comes from personal experience, so I feel it in my BONES and I write it naturally, but let's see if I can try to break it down!

First of all, dissociation is a trauma response, so technically it's not something a character will be controlling, and I think it would be best not to show it that way? I THINK? The thing is - your character shouldn't have to learn it, because it happens naturally when the body is put through something it can't process. Whether this is physical or emotional, both cause dissociation pretty easily. It's a survival mechanism. There's no need to 'encourage' or 'help' this process by doing anything BUT traumatizing the body in some way. (I hope that makes sense!)

All you need is one torture scene where you can build up to the dissociation moment - this is the mind pulling out of the body, so to speak, and 'observing' the event from a safe distance. Emotions and thought detach, leaving things numb. The body may act on its own, but the person has no control over it, anymore. And then you've established that the character will dissociate. If I were to write it, I'd do one torture scene without the dissociation, and the next one with it, having the torture ramp up a little in severity. It gives the illusion of progress through an arc.

Fortunately, you don't need very long to get to the mentally 'broken' stage. I would say about five scenes (although I tend to drag psychological details out in my own works, so maybe you could pace yours quicker) ought to get you to that point. And I would suggest showing that breaking moment as a sort of climax to the torture arc. It depends on the type of torture, honestly, because certain methods break people a lot quicker. Things like sleep deprivation or sensory deprivation, say. And - because we as an audience highly identify with how scary those things are - you don't need much to convince us the character will go insane in, like, TWO scenes. LMAO.

As far as the music thing, I hope I answered that with the dissociation questions! Music/sounds can certainly be used as a torture method, but it's not going to encourage dissociation any more than the actual torture would.

However, it can be used as a trigger for dissociation, if that's a route you want to take. Say the torturer always plays the same song when they come in to torture. After about three times of this, you could show the song being played and the character getting triggered into dissociation because they know what's coming, so their mind prepares for it.

Just a thought, if that's what you were going for!

[kkoct-ik]

kottik i think ive already said it before but i SO so appreciate your perspective and attention to detail with dissociative stuff. trying to wade through scattered info on the internet for reliable resources feels like an impossible task sometimes lol so having the DID writing guide + your alter worksheet definitely helps a lot! 

feedback on the guide itself: i loved it!!! the only parts i didn’t personally find relatable were the parts discussing later stages of healing/recovery (since im not quite there yet) and some of the functional neurological symptoms, but everything else felt like it was describing my own journey and experiences with DID perfectly. i also really appreciated the section on amnesia and different types of dissociation, plus the lesser known symptoms, since a lot of the time i see conflicting and confusing info on that + i feel like a lot of writers who try to write DID and describe how amnesia feels miss out on that stuff and just skim webmd or something for their info. and honestly even in online And offline discussions of DID ive seen other people try to describe how it really works and feels and its… not always described well lmao . but that’s a whole other can of worms etc

i think, though it’s just a writing resource, it was also very affirming to see it all laid out like that. like Oh shit yeah i do all of that. that’s my life on the page!!! the whole time i read it i was like ‘i knew this stuff already, but i never knew how to explain it properly.’ and it’s definitely the kind of thing i wish id been able to see when i first started noticing my symptoms. many years of misinfo and confusion have messed w my perception of myself n my disorder for a long time so it feels like a breath of fresh air to see someone else pushing against that and actually doing their research to try and clear things up. not to mention how clear your descriptions are + how easy it is to comprehend your explanations, while still being concise and to the point. so great work!!! 5 star rating, will definitely be recommending it to others :3 hope to see more from you + hope that it helps others write cool stuff!

i missed this ask!!!! sorry for missing this yesterday

thank you!!!!!! mwa mwa mwa. im so glad. so happy yaaaay

yeah, i definitely relate with the struggling to articulate experiences, being muddled by things online, and feeling like other people really dont quite get it when trying to represent whats going on. it makes me happy i can help with that!!

i feel like i'm in a good place that i've read a Lot of DID & CPTSD lit and i've been stabilising in treatment (processing some stuff, working on myself, getting a better understanding of therapy practice). i think it's given me a lot of perspective on my disorder that i wouldn't really have otherwise, and that a lot of people might not have either.

(rambling...)

cuz yeah. i think trying to understand DID on the internet is a monumentously difficult task. on one hand, you have personal accounts from people with DID, and on the other, you have doctors and generic websites. both don't quite give a full or reliable picture.

if you try to understand DID by listening to individuals, you're vulnerable to being incredibly confused and misled. and most of the time it's not intentional - it's hard to communicate what your symptoms are when you think half of it is normal and the other half is conflicted and fragmented - but it can give others very strange ideas about what the condition operates like at large.

it might also seem respectful to take everything we say at face value, but that ends up meaning that our flawed / misguided perceptions of ourselves and our symptoms become solidified as fact. we are mentally ill, we are not necessarily educated, and are a patient base prone to daydreaming and suggestion. we can get things wrong, and we can emphasise the wrong things.

when people take our unreliable accounts as fact (vivid recounts of psuedomemories, venting about feeling like seperate people, or expressing any number of mistaken symptoms), our experiences can start to sound like fantasy. suddenly DID sounds like a disorder you could not fathom having or ever truly understand, rather than a disorder that is simply inherently confusing to live with.

that said, if you try to avoid that by learning about DID soley through medical accounts and websites, you will only ever hear about reported symptoms, the most extreme & notable case studies, patient observations, and generic criteria, leaving a Lot to fill in the gaps (when you try to deduce what it feels like to live with it / be in our brains), that leads to other kinds of inaccuracies.

(for my health i'm not even going to try to touch on hollywood and online influencers that sensationalise the condition for clicks and thus dominate the algorithm. but obviously they are a factor too. pop culture is a powerful thing.)

the internet is a mess! and while not everything that is misleading is untrue, it can be very easy to just, not quite get it, or misunderstand things fundamentally, in any number of ways.

so yeah, it makes me happy that between my life experience, therapy, and obnoxious amount of pages read, i can actually make what goes on somewhat digestible. i want to help contextualise medical criteria, pull out relevant snippets, and point people to some really good resources.

it's not to say i'm a spokesperson or expert. i am very much just a huge nerd who happens to suffer from a disorder and is very invested in understanding myself. but the positive feedback does reassure me that i haven't gotten anything heinously wrong.

ty again :)) yaayy

[necroneol]

Hello, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm honestly so stressed about this, and I feel like I'm just so lost. I'm embarrassed that I'm reaching out to a stranger on the internet for help, but you seemed friendly. My therapist suggested I do research on DID after I described my frequent gaps in memory and inability to properly describe who I am, even on a basic level. He suggested I take this quiz so he can help me better, but I'm so stressed I can't even think about it. I did piles of research on DID, and a lot of people describe their separate personalities as entirely different people. However, despite my parents being addiment that I show signs of extreme swings in hobbies and even things like handwriting, I have little to no recollection of any of this. I was wondering if you have any guidance.

first, i would like to preface by saying that i am in no way qualified to diagnose you, and i am uncomfortable doing so. i do not know you and so my answer will be generalized and open ended. please keep this in mind.

secondly, i am sorry. i understand your pain. and i truly hope you can find some peace soon.

some things to think about: DID is not the only dissociative disorder. there are a lot of variations of DID, which we highly recommend you look into. you can also have issues with frequent + disruptive dissociation without it being DID. just because you deal with dissociation doesnt mean you “have people in your head,” as we like to say in a light hearted way. you should look into all of the possibilities.

DID and its variations/dissociative disorders are caused by early childhood trauma. this processes of self discovery may not be easy. i do not say this to scare you, but rather to prepare you. i would recommend that you find yourself a strong support system of family and friends, and let some of them (as long as you feel safe doing so) know the journey you are beginning. you can also talk to your friends, as they may know you better than your know yourself, in a sense.

i would also recommend starting a journal where you can reflect upon your life and your thoughts. what are some things you remember? what are some things you cant? are there moments in your life that seem as if they are missing from your memory? was there anything difficult happening during this time? do you remember being neglected, mistreated, abused? can you recognize any triggers? etc….

there are some work books that may help you as well. i would reach out to your therapist for help on resources. and speaking of resources, i would like to adamantly say, do NOT use tiktok, instagram, tumblr, etc. as a source of information. social media may be a starting point, or it may be a good place to find personal accounts of relatability, but it is not a source of verified peer reviewed information. yes, the study and science around DID and its associated disorders is not perfect. it is full of bias and misinformation. but social media will never, ever be a reliable source. anyone can say anything. it doesnt have to be true to hit the post button.

and lastly, this comes from a complicated, nuanced, and personal place. consider, if you do discover this is something you are dealing with, would a diagnosis help you? it is important to consider the impact that a written diagnosis can cause. while you may receive resources, assistance, self assurance, etc. you will also face medical and social discrimination, which could bar you from jobs, from unbiased medical assistance, from housing, etc. you can get help without having a diagnosis attached to your name. find a therapist you trust, and lean on your friends and family.

it will be difficult and painful. knowing this about myself has been life changing, and not always in a good way. but it made sense, and it gave me somewhere to start looking for help. everyones journey is different. i wish you luck, and i wish you well.

[subsystems]

So, I keep seeing this paper being passed around a lot in syscourse. I want to talk about it for a bit.

This one in particular:

Source: Regan McClure, 1994. “Towards a theoretical framework of the etiology and structures of multiple personality.” A Thesis submitted in conformity with the requirements for the Degree of Master of Arts, Graduate Department of Applied Psychology, in the University of Toronto.

Important things

I keep seeing people bring this old fart of an article up so much! Please, the first thing you should know about this is that it’s OLD. It’s almost 30 years old! All of the “current research” this paper evaluates? It’s all extremely outdated!

No, actually the most important thing you should know is that THIS IS A THESIS. A thesis is what a college student writes for their master’s degree. You evaluate research by others and come up with your own argument then write your thesis.

This is NOT a study. I’ve seen some people claiming that it is but, no, it’s not. It’s even in the title. “Towards a theoretical framework of the etiology and structures of multiple personality.” This is someone trying to argue their own views on the existence & cause of DID.

Let’s be thankful that it’s not a study! Their approach to DID is old as balls and it really shows.

Summary of her paper 

Keep in mind: Since this paper is old and dusty, it’s challenging equally old and now-debunked approaches to DID.

With her thesis, McClure was trying to argue that DID should be approached differently. This is because non-pathological experiences of many consciousnesses* exist in religious practices and even in our own understanding of the self (ego states, your inner child, etc.). She also described the differences in how cultures perceive dissociation. While western culture is quick to pathologize dissociation, it can be an important and healthy aspect of other cultures.

McClure argued that multiple consciousnesses, all the way from ego states to alters, are normal and not pathological. McClure suggested that DID should be reframed as “multiple identity response.” This is her own term for multiple identities that form as an adaptive response to abuse.

* It should be noted that she called ALL experiences of many consciousnesses “multiplicity” or “multiple personality”. We’re talking everything from ego states, to your unconscious instinct to breath and blink, to channeling dead loved ones, to the alters in DID.

Why I don’t like it

While I can appreciate the work she put on this paper, I don’t like it. I think it’s a good sign that I don’t like it, though! It just goes to show how good DID research has gotten! A lot of this stuff just wouldn’t hold its own against the present day research.

The biggest issue I have with this article is that it approaches DID as something that only forms from abuse and can form in adulthood. These stances have been debunked again and again. The current science considers DID a childhood-onset posttraumatic developmental disorder. That means it starts in childhood. Trauma isn’t always abuse, either.

(More info on current DID research here & here)

The other issue I have with McClure’s paper is her idea that because there’s an experience of feeling like separate people in DID, that this is somehow coming from the same place as what she describes “normative multiplicity”. Not only does this approach minimize the unique struggles that people with DID face, it just makes things way too confusing.

There’s been so many battles over how to define dissociation in the medical field. I just don’t believe describing normal experiences as dissociative is the right thing to do. When I tell someone I’m dissociating, it’s because I’m having symptoms of my dissociative disorder and I genuinely need help, not because I’m zoning out on a good book. I have the same sentiment about the language of multiplicity.

The last thing I just don’t agree with is this “multiple identity response”. I think it completely misses the mark on what DID is. Dissociation is an adaptive response, sure, but DID certainly isn’t. DID is the result of when that adaptive response gets used to such an overwhelming degree that it literally stunts the development of the brain. There’s biomarkers and neurobiological evidence of this!

I’m in no way discounting the possibility of non-disordered plurality being adaptive. Non-disordered plurality can be so many different things with so many different causations. Hey even this paper admits that, depending on what you consider plural, everyone might be non-disordered plural in some way. 

But DID? It’s just not the same.

Please understand that.

[armillary-spheres-lover]

SP/so vs SO/sx

Not sure how much this can be generalized since it's only my personal experience. When I was a pre-teen my best friend used to be a so/sx 6w7, while I am 9w1 sp/so. Sp dom vs Sp blind... some stuff went down and it’s fascinating to analyze such differences to me (I feel like I'm fascinated by sp blinds in general wtf).

She was the V immature of the pair, throwing herself in any possible weird experience she could have just for the sake of it. She would always cause so much drama it was legit concerning and I always was on the sidelines, not participating and sometimes suggesting her to stop, but did she listen to me? Never, and also, in some ways, I think I did in fact understand her desire to feel alive and feel stuff and do dumb stuff, possibly in that I am sx-blind and I won't fucking allow myself to do that, while she totally did. I guess, I don't usually pay any mind to my sx-blindness but the only time that it kind of felt like I was missing on something was when I would spend time with her? And also now that I'm actually studying the instictual variants I guess I'm starting to realize it (but also not really there's a shit ton of work to do). She would always act as if she was the protagonist of some weird 19th romantic novel but, make it dumber (we were 11-12 after all, how smart could we be?).

I deeply, deeply understand her need and wish to be like a novel protagonist. I do think of myself in that way quite often. But while she did it by acting and getting actively involved in stuff, I’ve always done the same by hyper-interpreting my simpler, more boring experiences (9 basic bitch here, feeling attached to something while being withdrawn and out of touch with your body results in amazing fantasy sky castles). She was never satisfied by this.

If she wanted intensity, she would create it by idk, doing some dumb stuff she would for sure later regret. While she went on to feel so alive, I would stay in the back overthinking my more boring life. An example would be that while she actually acted so that everyone around us hated her and shunned her, I would simply feel and think I was being shunned as well, but in practice I would never do something that would elicit a strong reaction out of others. I basically fantasized about it. As you can tell her being a Social Dominant I guess she got the sx juice she wanted through social stuff (her reputation, going against the social system (social 6s often do that)).

In so many ways, if I were to simplify it, she was a mixture of Dorian Gray and Heathcliff and I was Des Esseintes. She was an edgier version of Dorian Gray, wanting to experience everything but make it dark and painful and tormented (a là Heathcliff), not once holding herself back. Des Esseintes, on the other hand, would also feel like a misfit and a tormented soul but he did so by staying inside his house and hyper-interpreting his experiences to an insane degree, until he basically starts to hallucinate. He barely goes outside of his home and when he does everything seems weird, scary, magical in its own way, and while a bit creepy that’s also part of being sx-blind I think? You secretly want that way of feeling alive via the dark things in life (not sure if my fixes have a part in this as idk other 9s may not relate to this maybe) but also you want to go about it safely (sp) and by not exposing yourself (9), so it becomes like wearing a pair of glasses that adds a layer of poetry and beauty and suffering to an otherwise normal, boring and inane reality (again, 9 fantasy shit). But that’s about it. It’s a magical pair of glasses that at times I feel like I can remove and put on at will when I’m bored and I feel like I want more out of life. Outsourcing sx if you will w/o ever acting on this shit. I relate to Des Esseintes even though he was possibly a sp 4 but whatever I guess...

My old friend, being sp-blind, of course did not feel the same need for “safety” and had nothing to hold her back, really... the 6w7 sp blind brings a lot of energy and a way to never be able to fucking stand still, so yeah... it was so fascinating to see her act that differently from me, but also empathizing with her desire to get MORE out of life and dive into the darker aspects of it. I guess that’s why I sticked with her even when I thought she was being unreasonable and annoyingly melodramatic. Most people would shun her and don’t get her ways and while I can’t say that I got her, I would at least sympathise with her wish to experience more and be dramatic, even if I couldn’t quite elaborate it at the time and I superficially thought she was being too immature (this is so funny, we were fucking 10 and we were already doing instictual stuff with me acting like the adult one idk. Also w1 may play a part in this shit. Me being sp dom felt like I was supposed to check on her but also I didn't really do it because it was fun to tag along with her dumb stuff). But while she had the courage(?) to act on such a wish, I did not - I never had it, and instead compensated by having an hyperactive mental landscape...

There was a Wilde’s quote that went like, “the artist always represents what they themselves cannot live and experience”, or whatever, and I’ve always related to it way too deeply, lmao. I would represent, think, imagine, write the stories, and instead she would actively live them. Also Wilde was a so/sx so I guess that means something

While I may be bitter, because even as a sx-blind I at times feel....... like I want to live and get involved in stuff more? also I guess 9s have a way to dissociate with their life quite easily so that doesn't help (a sx-blind 7 would probably feel like they're getting involved more). Plus possibly having a 5fix makes it worse? it kind of sucks tbfh. Like it feels I've been dissociated since I was 4 yo and never got back to actual earth wtf. 95x sp/so may be the most fucking boring thing on earth + it may bring a neurotic need to keep your little bubble untouched by real life and finding security in that bubble, to the point that you're actually missing out. Idk. I may *do* stuff to make me feel like I'm going around with people more but it doesn't really affect me that deeply so yeah... fuck all of this. It's not even the same as being stuck in your comfort zone? I guess it is but again I may at times challenge myself in some small ways and have new experiences but it's like nothing really reaches me idk.

Again, I usually prefer to go about stuff safely (aka not disrupting my little bubble too much), and in this way, I’ve always had way less regrets than her - so in this, I’m actually fine with my way of playing it safe. I like letting myself wear that pair of glasses when I feel like it and call it a day. I’ve always been content with very little...

Though honestly I’ve not been hanging out with her in years (at least 8 years, wow) and while I do hear from her I can’t say I can get to see how much she’s changed, lol

It was weird, you’d expect that with such a melodramatic friend the break up would be at least as dramatic, instead it has been quite the opposite - we simply slowly stopped reaching out to each other once we had nothing much in common anymore, and something else going on with our lives, lmao...

Also I mistyped her as a 4w3 in the past but it's so funny I got that little about the enneagram and IVs and somehow got her IV right at first try wtf I guess she's just that obvious

[madd-information]

Have you watched Kati Morton's new video about Maladaptive Daydreaming? What do you think about it?

[intro]

For years, I believed maladaptive daydreaming to be a form of dissociation, but it could also be added to the DSM as its own diagnosis, since it does have its own set of unique symptoms. Either way, at this time maladaptive daydreaming is not listed in the DSM as a diagnosable mental illness.

I was concerned because her last couple videos on the topic were very confusing to watch and seemed to conflate MD with the inner-worlds of DID.  It looks like she has done some more research on it and is going to make a more informed video. This is great and I deeply appreciate that she’s taking the time to do a proper dive into this. 

The closest diagnosis would be DPDR, or depersonalization derealization disorder. And this is the diagnosis given to those of us who struggle with dissociation. [explanation of DPDR]

Gonna need you to source that Katie, I’ve never heard an MD researcher say something like this.  When they talk about MD they call it a behavioral addiction with OCD features which is related to dissociative absorption (different from derealization and depersonalization, these two dissociative experiences are not particularly significant in MD, though they can happen.)

These experiences are extremely common. It's estimated that half of all adults have had at least one episode of DPDR. 50% of people. That is a huge amount of people.

Cool but not sure it’s at all relevant to the video topic. 

Also, it's important to mention that in 2016, four researchers put together the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale, or MDS. This is a 14-item self-reported scale, meaning that you as the patient answers 14 questions based on your own maladaptive daydreaming experience.

It’s a 16 item scale now, it was changed very early on and has been 16 for years.  This is a very small and forgivable knitpick, just fyi. 

The MDS focuses on the content of our daydreams, how intense the urge to continue daydreaming is, and how much it impairs our ability to function in our lives, and the benefits and costs of our daydreaming. I am not personally familiar with this scale, nor have I used it in my practice, but I've linked the research article in the description if you wanna learn more about it.

A good description, and here’s that link again for anyone who wants to read about the finer details of this scale. 

When it comes to maladaptive daydreaming, it isn't just feeling out of body or environment. We can create very intense and detailed daydreams with plots, characters, and very lifelike issues and storylines. Some people will get the plots for their daydreams from their real lives, while others can create a utopian place unlike their current experience.

Yep, decent overview of content, though content doesn’t matter that much.  Also, use of “we”.  Is Katie Morton an MDer or was this a creative choice?  I don’t know, just a passing thought. 

We can find ourselves staying in these daydreams for various amounts of time. And some of my patients have reported staying in them for hours. And many of you have let me know that you struggle to get out of them at all, spending days in this other life that we've created.

Yep, good overview, but more importantly she’s listening to her patients and the feedback of MDers in her audience.

...there are many causes for this, and the first I wanna address is trauma triggers. If we've experienced a trauma in our life, things that remind us of that time or situation can pull us into a flashback, cause us to dissociate, or in many cases push us into our maladaptive daydreams.

When our brain and the rest of our nervous system feels overwhelmed and unable to deal with what's going on in the moment, it can pull us out of our current situation through dissociation. I always talk about that, like our brain pulling the ripcord. And it can also utilize maladaptive daydreaming. It's a way to cope or get through an overwhelming situation when we don't have other skills to help calm our nervous system down. So we just rely on what we know, and that can be daydreaming or dissociating. It's almost like this coping skill protects us from having to feel traumatized again and so it takes us away, you know, drops us into a much safer and happier place.

Trauma is always talked about first when people do overviews of MD.  She’s not wrong but just to add more information;  about a quarter of MDers report trauma, the other 75(ish)% don’t.  It’s a significant number but trauma is not the only pathway to MD.  Sometimes people walk away from these videos feeling like “well, I don’t have any trauma, maybe I don’t really have MD”.  That’s not a comment on what Katie has presented, she does go into other things below, just adding on.

Another cause or trigger can be high levels of stress or anxiety. We can slowly feel ourselves become more and more overwhelmed until our brain pulls us out of our reality and into a new one, aka our maladaptive daydreams. In short, we can want to stay in these daydreams to feel better and safer, but it can get in the way of us functioning in our life.

Yep

[audience anecdotes]

...Which is why even the term maladaptive daydreaming is used. Maladaptive means it's not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation. So the daydreaming is only holding off the bad things. It's not actually making anything better or helping us process any of the upset. It's really just a temporary check-out, which can be helpful sometimes, but if it's happening all the time or making it hard for us to focus at work, school, or with our friends and family, we should find other, better ways to cope.

Exactly.

Which moves us into how we can better cope so that we don't get sucked into our daydreams for hours, days, or even weeks. And first up is mindfulness. Now, I know that term is overused now and super annoying but in order for us to know when we even need to use other coping skills, we have to know when the daydreaming urges are happening. So often we aren't aware of what we were feeling or thinking until it's too late and we're already pulled into our daydream. And at that point it's more difficult or even impossible for us to pull ourselves out. Therefore, we have to start being more aware of what we're going through.

[continues explanation]

Perfection.

And so next is figuring out ways to calm our system down. This can take the form of a distraction technique like going for a walk or organizing a part of our home, coloring, watching a show, playing a video game, you name it. These calming things could also be more process-based, things like journaling or talking to your therapist or a friend about it, or even using an impulse log. [Continues with calming things]

Good examples, MD researchers specifically recommend keeping a log.

We're also going to have to find some coping skills that we can use when we're starting to feel overwhelmed and wanting to go back into the daydream. Maybe we hold an ice cube in our hands, clap our hands, count the number of things in the room that are blue, brown, black… whatever works for you, do it.

Good stuff. 

And it's okay for something not to work. We just have to try it to know and then move on to something else.

Important point to make, happy to see this. 

Once we have a few things that work, write them down in your phone or on a post-it note so that you can see it and be reminded when you need it. We will also need to come up with some ways to pull ourselves out of the daydream. And I know this is gonna be harder and we may even wanna call upon helpful and supportive people in our lives to assist us.

Good advise. 

We could, because it's our daydream, right, we could put a big door in our daydream and we can choose to go through it and pull ourselves out, or have people in the daydream that remind us of our real life and tell us to go back.

A good suggestion.  Q, on the Parallel Lives Podcast (I can’t remember which episode off the top of my head), did something like this by turning to his characters and saying “ok, take 5 guys, we’ll pick it up at xtime”, and many people have found that to be a clever and helpful method. 

Now, I know this is really, really hard… which rolls into my final tip, which is to work with a therapist to heal from the trauma or to learn how to better cope with the anxiety or stress we're feeling. Working to heal or process through the reason our maladaptive daydreaming exists in the first place will ensure that we don't need it anymore.

Absolutely seek professional support if you can. 

... if we heal the issue we're struggling to cope with, the urge to use those unhelpful coping skills will go away altogether.

[outro]

I think this last point will frighten a lot of MDers.  It’s probably the brevity of the video that didn’t allow her to really expand on this, and I certainly don’t want to put words into her mouth that she may not have intended.  Don’t be afraid of losing your MD.  “Curing” Maladaptive Daydreaming does not mean “I’ll never see my world again.”  You’ll always have the capacity to daydream like this, you were born this way, but it *doesn’t* have to be maladaptive. Like overeating, you will never not eat, you will fix your relationship with food. 

Good video overall, brief but accurate and includes the standard helpful advise. 

[starryarchitect]

Simon's even more sympathetic if you over analyze because he clearly has a mental illness making him afraid of abandonment, resistant to change, emotionally unstable and having immense difficulty relating to others. Like he gets worried about Hazel in the cabin when the Cat gets near her, its clearly foreshadowing the next episode.

Agreed! And actually, I pulled put the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) to research your suggestion that Simon has some mental disorder, and . . . you're right! He almost definitely has a mental disorder.

The criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder are: (not quoted, but paraphrased directly from the DSM-5)

Instability in personal relationships and self-image, impulsivity, indicated by five or more of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. - check, this is kinda Simon's shtick.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, fluctuating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. - there's not much potential for a "pattern" here, but his relationship with Grace definitely fits this.

Markedly and persistently unstable/fluctuating self-image or sense of self. - Simon does not qualify—if anything, his inability to paradigm shift indicates the exact opposite.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. - violence, aggression, murder, all may or may not qualify. Simon ticks this box.

Recurrent suicidal or self-mutilating behavior or threats. - Simon does not qualify for this.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood. - In other words, subject responds intensely to swings in interpersonal relationships. Which sounds a heck of a lot like episodes eight through ten. Check.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. - We can't know whether or not this is true, because we can't really get inside a cartoon character's head. So . . . maybe?

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. - This is definitely present in him. He has a temper, he shouts, he gets angry, and it gets more extreme as the show progresses.

Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms. - Simon displays this too—lines like "everyone always lies to me" come to mind as evidence. (No dissociative tendencies, but the paranoia is present, so he meets this criterion.)

Now, the subject of a diagnosis needs to meet at least five of these criteria to qualify for BPD. Simon definitely meets five of these criteria (specifically, criteria one, four, six, eight, and nine), possibly even a few more (two, perhaps seven). In other words, Simon Laurent has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm not sure what conclusion to draw from this discovery that Simon is provably mentally ill. Does it mean calling him "evil" is deeply problematic? Does it mean he could've been saved? Does it mean he can't be blamed? Or is it just as toxic to argue that people with mental disorders are not responsible for their own actions as it is to argue that people with personality disorders are inherently irredeemable? (Not that anyone's argued either of those points—I'm mostly thinking in frantic hypotheticals at the moment.)

And of course these questions raise other questions (well, one other question) that has been on my mind since I first heard Simon called "irredeemable." What do people mean by "he's irredeemable"? Do they mean he couldn't improve and grow after the events of episode ten? Do they mean that his actions were unforgivable? Do they mean he was predestined to be a murderer from episode one, unlike the redeemable Grace? "Irredeemable" has become Simon's buzzword, but no one's ever really defined it. And until I get a concrete definition, I can't slap that label on him and throw him in the garbage with the rest of the characters I hate. (To be clear, I'm not saying anyone's wrong that he's irredeemable, I'm just asking what people mean when they say he's irredeemable.)

However, one thing is clear: as Anon pointed out, Simon is easy to relate to, easy to sympathize with, and easy to pity because of this. We may not all have personality disorders, but we all have flaws that make our brains work differently from how we'd like them to, whether those flaws are anger, laziness, or selfishness, or a mental illness, or something else. Yes, few of us are driven to be murderers because of this, but it still means that we can feel bad for Simon, even as we condemn his actions.

Every time I post something about Simon and it's not ten thousand words long, I'm showing enormous self-restraint and deserve a few claps. Also, sorry, Anon, for using your ask as an excuse to rant about Simon. You made a good point and I wanted to explore it!

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 17

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, learns to be a person separate from the trauma that shaped his life for so long, and begins the arduous process of preventing what happened to him from happening to anyone else. It gets far more personal than even he could have anticipated.

Content warnings: Caleb's backstory (especially references to abuse and grooming), referenced deaths of family members, near-dissociation, near-panic attacks

Chapter summary: Caleb tries to make some positive decisions for himself and reaches out to Felix to teach him a spell (and help him cope).

Chapter notes: Chapter title is from Silhouette by Sleeping At Last

*****

Chapter 17: It must be so hard, in the mess you’re always cleaning up, to believe in the ghost of unbroken love.

Caleb and Essek dropped Caduceus at the Grove after breakfast the next morning. They would be picking him up again the day after next, along with the rest of the Nein, but any time he could spend with his family was to be treasured.

They then teleported into Beau and Yasha’s side of the house in Rexxentrum. Caleb had begun the process of putting a new teleportation circle in his laboratory, but it would take time, even with Essek’s help.

Yasha peered out from the kitchen. “Hello! You just missed Beau.” She looked at Caleb, who had slept poorly until he had given in and polymorphed himself into a cat, and swept both him and Essek into a tight hug. He liked this side of her, less concerned about making a social fuckup and just doing what felt right.

Essek awkwardly patted her back. “Hello, Yasha.”

She let them go. “Oh, Caleb! I’ll get the note. Give me a moment.” She ran upstairs, thundering around the upper floor.

Essek set a pouch of Xhorhassian spices and fried bugs from the region on the kitchen table; he had gotten lucky at the market yesterday. The peaceful conclusion of the war had freed up trade, allowing a better variety of goods to be found, especially in port cities such as Nicodranas. This also meant Essek had been able to stock up on a few hair and skincare products that were hard to find outside Rosohna. He had insisted on picking up a few products for Caleb as well. Caleb was still a little unused to being clean, let alone having a skincare routine.

Yasha pelted back downstairs and passed Caleb a little scrap of paper. “Here.”

“Danke.” Feeling the high quality of the paper between his fingers, Caleb suspected Nico had torn this piece from his own spellbook. Caleb made plans to leave some paper and ink lying around downstairs in case Nico came again while everyone was out. For now, he committed Nico’s handwriting to memory and stashed the note between the pages of his new journal. Then, he reached into his pocket and handed Yasha its twin. “For you. I thought… maybe it was time we collect happier memories.”

Yasha accepted the leather-bound journal, slightly smaller than her old one so she could keep it on her person with ease. His was identical. “Thank you, Caleb. This is a lovely gift.” She held the leather to her nose and inhaled deeply. She chuckled. “It smells like the ocean.”

“Ja, for now.” He hadn’t told the Nein what his old journal had held. But, if nothing else, the soft look on Yasha’s face confirmed she understood it was tied to his past, much like hers had been. He wasn’t sure he would ever tell the Nein, aside from Essek, what he had truly planned with the letters and the T-Dock. He was sure Beauregard suspected, and possibly Veth, and he was certain the rest, especially Caduceus, had caught on that he was headed down a self-destructive path. But Caleb had made the decision not to pursue it. Unveiling that now would upset them, and he had upset them enough. And Caleb preferred to keep that chapter of his life shut, lest he fall into temptation again.

It was time to look forward, as much as he was capable. As much as the current circumstances would allow him. The past would always have a hold on him, but he could choose to let it guide him towards making things better instead of breaking the world to undo what had already been done.

On that front, he had promised to pay Felix a visit, and Essek had burned his teleportation spells so Caleb still had his free for the day.

***

Caleb landed alone in Blumenthal. His breath still seized in his chest at the sight. He pressed a hand to his sternum and gulped down air until the world stopped spinning. He wondered, a little frantically, whether this would ever get easier. And then the panic passed, and he could breathe again.

He checked in with the gravekeeper, who confirmed they were holding off on the Baumanns’ funeral for a few more days in case Nico was willing and able to attend. He passed on the news that Nico had made a small amount of contact, and Caleb willed himself to exude what quiet optimism he could manage.

The gravekeeper was an elderly widow who had been tending the Blumenthal graves for as long as Caleb could remember. She knew him, of course, and that was unnerving as always. But he was trying to stay calm about the people of Blumenthal knowing the professor visiting Felix had once been Bren, son of Una and Leofric Ermundrud. It was hard, though, knowing there were at least a few neighbourhoods who could make the connection between what happened to the Baumanns, and what happened to the Ermendruds. They had not stated outright at any point that Nico had killed his parents, but the more people who knew about what happened, the more people were likely to suspect the truth. And, of course, the Schneiders knew. Caleb didn’t want the townspeople to think of Nico that way; he was going through enough. Caleb wasn’t sure how he felt about himself, only that there was a weight in his guts that intensified whenever he thought about it too much.

Caleb made one last stop before meeting Felix. He was here anyway, and he had not visited his parents since he had buried the letters with them. So he picked his way through the winding cemetery. It was easy to find his parents again, now that he had been here once.

“Hallo,” he said quietly, kneeling in the grass before their paired gravestones. His last visit hadn’t been that long ago, really, but he had been so swaddled in his grief that it had been hard to think straight. He pulled out the new book and rested it on his knee. “A lot has happened since I last came. I have a house now, in Rexxentrum, and a job teaching at Soltryce Academy. I’m going to stop what happened to me, and the both of you, from happening to anyone else. Best I can, anyway. Mixed success so far.” An inappropriate chuckle escaped him. “It’s… strange. Seeing these young boys, Felix and Nico, who had been set on the same path I had walked. We stopped Felix before he could… but I wasn’t fast enough to save Nico’s parents. I am… doing what I can now. They are both so young. Children, really. And, well, you know children that age rarely feel like children. I didn’t. I think Trent exploited that.”

He let the quiet wash over him. A light, fresh breeze played against his face. Most residents of Blumenthal were probably hard at work right now. This was a farming town, after all.

He remembered the journal on his knee. “Oh, and I have a new book now. This one is for happy memories. Nico left me a thank you note; I suppose that’s the first one. He’s not… he needs time. But I am starting to believe we can help him. I’m… I think that scares me. I understand what he’s going through better than most, but… this is a huge responsibility. I hope I don’t fuck it up. Sorry, mother. I would blame my new friends, but, in truth, I’ve always had a mouth on me. My friends are very cool, though. I think you would have liked them. Well, jury’s out on Beauregard, but she grows on you. Maybe I’ll tell you about our adventures next time I visit. Well, some of them. From Trostenwald, to Xhorhas, to a floating flesh city, to a Rexxentrum courtroom... we had a big year. And it’s because of them that I can bear talking to you like this.”

A tiny thought, right at the back of Caleb’s head, suggested he should bring the Nein next time. Or maybe one or two of them. Nine people clustered around a pair of graves sounded like a lot.

Caleb wanted to stay longer, but he had to check on Felix. He sighed, and pushed himself to his feet. “I will return, I promise. I will not leave you for as long as I did the first time. I love you both.”

He stepped away while he still had the will to do so. The grief was there, but he felt in control of it. For now, at least. And there was a family that needed him.

***

Louise Schneider was tending the vegetable patch in front of the house, while Friedrich knelt by a wooden cart, replacing a damaged wheel. Caleb fought off nausea at the sight of the cart; it looked just like the one his parents had owned. That… was fine. He was fine. Blumenthal-standard cart. The things were everywhere.

Louse set her trowel aside, sitting back on her heels. “Hallo… Caleb?” She was, evidently, struggling a bit to figure out what she was supposed to call him.

“Ja, hallo.” His voice was a little rough, but steady.

“Felix is in his room.” Louise wiped her brow with the back of her glove. “He’s been a little… reclusive.”

Sensing this conversation was going to take more than a few seconds, Caleb sat in the grass with her. “Okay, talk to me. How is he? And how are the two of you?”

Louise huffed a short, rueful laugh. “It is hard to tell how your child is feeling when he barely talks to you.”

“I am sorry to hear that,” Caleb said, as gently as he sensed she would tolerate. “My situation was not like Felix’s, but I can understand a little. It’s… not a comfortable feeling to know that all the love in the world is not enough to… to…” He breathed. “All I know is that I have grappled with the guilt of my actions for a long time, and the fact we were able to get to him before it went that far… it does not erase the shame. It is an ugly thing, to face yourself, to face the person you have become, even if you were manipulated and abused and brainwashed to become that person.”

“What the fuck are we supposed to do?” she whispered.

“Love him. Show him you are there for him, in whatever way he can bear.”

Louise gazed back at the house. “But if love wasn’t enough…”

“It takes time,” Caleb told her. “You can’t measure it, or count it. Time looks different for all of us. But with your support, it will be easier for him to come to terms with what happened to him, and to understand he is not a bad person for the things he was persuaded to do, and almost did… easier than it is for me. You have to remember, Frau Schneider, that those of us in the Volstrucker program thought we were serving our country, and we were honoured to do it.”

“We thought the same,” Louise murmured. “When Felix was chosen for the program…” She sighed. “I told Master Ikithon to do whatever it took to help him be what the Empire needed.”

The ground was unsteady beneath Caleb, and he was relieved to be sitting down. “My mother and father felt the same, if Ikithon spoke true. He usually does.” A wave of pettiness overcame him, and he chuckled. “Did. That is why it is so difficult to process. He rarely lied to us outright. And we thought we had a choice. We did, to a degree. We chose to serve, and we thought we had to endure what he put us through and what he asked us to do… so we could serve our country.”

“What do you now believe?”

“I believe there are good people in the Empire,” said Caleb. “There are things worth preserving. The child abuse and murder of innocent Empire citizens are not among of them.” He was getting distracted, so he steered his thoughts back in their original direction. “Now is the time Felix needs you most. The biggest thing that has helped me is knowing there are people who care about me and value me, even when I don’t care about myself.”

“We’re trying,” said Louise. “Thank you. He should be in his room, if you’d like to talk to him.”

“Ja, I will. He has been working on a Transmutation spell, which happens to be my specialty.” Caleb pushed himself to his feet, straightening his coat. “And, Louise?”

“Ja?”

“We were children a long time ago,” he said. “And my memories of Blumenthal are too… complicated to linger on, but I remember your kindness. And I have seen your love for your son. You are a good mother. Remember that, and extend that same kindness to yourself, ja?”

Louise picked up her trowel, her movements slow as if through water. “Danke.”

Caleb moved towards the house, exchanging a wave with Friedrich. The front door was open, so he stepped through. The house only had one storey, so he moved past the living area to a short, thin hallway. One door was open, revealing a wide bed for two people. He knocked on the other door.

“What?” said Felix, voice tinged with adolescent irritation that brought back a fuckton of memories for Caleb, of studying in his bedroom until his mother interrupted to coax him down for a meal. It ached, but bearably so.

“It’s Caleb. May I come in?”

“Ja, I guess.”

Caleb turned the knob and slowly pushed, poking his head through first. Felix was sitting on the wooden floor, beside a low bed made from a rough timber frame. His spellbook lay on the floor in front of him, but it was seemingly open to a random page, and Felix’s hair was mussed as if he had just been lying down. On the floor, if Caleb were to guess.

“Would you like some good news?” Caleb said, stepping inside. He shut the door, leaning against it while he awaited Felix’s response.

“That would make a nice change,” Felix said flatly.

Caleb sat on the floor in front of him and pulled out his new book, removing Nico’s note and handing it to Felix. “Nico visited my home while it was empty the other day. He left this.”

Felix scanned the note with careful, controlled slowness. He passed it back, staring sightlessly at the pages of his book.

“He also responded to a Sending,” Caleb continued. “Only to tell me he did not wish to talk, but that is progress. Has he spoken to you?”

“Nein,” Felix said quietly. There was a heaviness to his posture, and he seemed to lack the energy to express himself with his face or voice. Aside from that singular spike of irritation when Caleb had knocked.

“Well, it appears he is listening. If you can bear it, I would suggest you keep talking to him.”

“Ja, okay.” The Felix in front of him was a far cry from the Felix in his messages. Exhausted, flattened… defeated, in some ways. Beaten down and ready to give up. Caleb knew the feeling well. It was why he had been messaging Felix so frequently, knowing that he had no one else who could understand what he had been through. What he had almost done.

It would have been easy enough to talk about the Fly spell and let him have a distraction, but they had things to discuss first. It was better to end their meeting today on a positive note, rather than give him a reprieve now and drag him back to earth later.

“I spoke to your mother,” Caleb said, sitting with the guilt of not giving Felix the distraction he sorely needed. Not yet.

Felix huffed quietly. “Was it a useful conversation? Mine haven’t been.”

“I have the luxury of not being family,” Caleb replied. “I can tell her things that you never would.”

Felix snorted. “Right.”

“She says you’re becoming a recluse.”

Felix shrugged.

“Why is that?”

“What am I supposed to say?” Felix muttered, and Caleb got the sense he probably would have snapped at him, had he the energy. “I know they’re afraid of me.”

“I don’t think they are, Felix.”

“Doesn’t matter. I was going to kill them, and I would’ve succeeded. I know that. They know that.”

“I don’t think they’re worried about that right now.”

“Then they’re stupid.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say about your parents, Felix.”

“Murder also isn’t nice, but I was going to do that anyway.” Felix flipped through the pages of his spellbook until he landed on one Caleb recognised: the formula for Fireball. “Push the cart in front of the door, throw one of these fuckers into the house, or maybe a Lightning Bolt would’ve looked like a freak accident.” Having not expected this, Caleb had to fight a wave of nausea and grasp tightly to the present, and hoped it didn’t show on his face; this wasn’t about him or his bullshit. “Hadn’t decided. Whatever. If I aimed right, it would be over quickly. If not… it would be over eventually. Nico had similar plans, which apparently worked.” Felix’s fingers spasmed on the page, as if resisting the urge to tear it. “If my mother and father do not fear me, they have deluded themselves into thinking I’m innocent. Makes a certain kind of sense, I suppose. I never could tell them what Trent had us do. I have nothing to say to them. I see no point trying to comfort them when they should be afraid of me. They should not want me here.”

Felix was spiralling. Badly. Caleb was out of his depth, and his brain was not turning as efficiently as it usually did, on a knife’s edge of whether to stay present or dissociate entirely. But he had to do something.

“Would you like to guess where I have been today?” Caleb asked. “It’s here in Blumenthal.”

Felix shrugged. “I hate guessing games.”

“I visited my mother and father. Spoke to them for a while.”

Confusion furrowed Felix’s brow for a moment, before he looked up, understanding. “Can’t imagine they were very talkative.”

Caleb’s laugh surprised both of them. “You’re not wrong. Rather one-sided. But maybe they can hear me.”

Felix continued to take the bait. “Fine. I’ll bite. What did you talk about?”

“Life updates. I have only visited once before, a few months ago, and that was more… intense. And, well, since then, I’ve hit several personal milestones I wanted to tell them about.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I am about to guilt-trip you into speaking to your living parents.”

“Oh, fuck you.” There was no aggression behind it, merely exhausted resignation, as if Felix already knew Caleb had the upper hand.

“I am not expecting you to bare your soul to them,” Caleb said. “I understand the impulse to hold back and I do not wish to deny you your privacy. But, it is very easy for people like us to get caught in our heads, and it can be difficult to pull ourselves out of it without help.”

“And if I don’t want to have to look at them and remember I was going to fucking kill them?”

“You seem to remember that well enough without seeing their faces.”

Felix shoved his face into his hands, sighing loudly. “I don’t know what I would even talk about. We have nothing in common anymore.”

“I’ve always found admitting I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing is very helpful.”

Felix snorted.

“And I do not agree that you have nothing in common.” Caleb didn’t try to make Felix look at him. If this were one of the Nein, he probably would have gotten obnoxiously in the way until they couldn’t ignore him, like Jester, Veth and even sometimes Essek had been known to do for him. But, with Felix, his words would have to be enough. “You have told me you love them, and they clearly love you. There is a lot of common ground there.”

“What common ground?” Felix curled more deeply inward with the gravity of defeat. “I cared more about some bullshit Trent put in my head than how much I love my parents.”

This was far more familiar territory to Caleb. “You are not alone in that, Felix. I loved my mother and father. And I killed them just the same. Trent exploited our patriotism to isolate us from our families and tie our worth to serving the empire, to serving him. And by having us kill our families based on a lie, one of the only lies he ever told us, he could ensure we had no one else to support us. That we would not believe we deserved better, even if we learned he had modified our memories. He wanted us to have nothing else but him. Did he pull that ‘we are family’ bullshit with you?”

Felix dropped his hands, snickering bitterly. “Ja. All the time.”

“Creepy, ja?”

Felix kept laughing quietly.

“He invited me to a ‘family reunion’ with him, Astrid and Eadwulf a few months ago,” said Caleb. “My friends came with me. Do you remember Caduceus?” Felix nodded. “He told Trent he was a fool, and that no one loves him.”

Felix scoffed. “You’re lying.”

“I am paraphrasing. He did call Trent a fool, but what he said about love was… wait, let me quote this exactly. I have this burned into my memory forever.” Caleb cleared his throat, and did not attempt to mimic Caduceus’s voice because he was awful at accents, but he quoted: “He said, ‘I think it has been a long time since anyone has pointed out to you that you're a fool. Pain doesn't make people, it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential. It's love that saves them. And you would know that, but you have none around you. You said so yourself, you surround yourself with lies and deceptions. And I wish for you, in the future, to find someone who will mourn you when you are gone. Respectfully.’ And then Trent left.”

“Okay, two things,” said Felix. “First of all, Caduceus is cooler than you. Second, your memory is terrifying and I am rethinking every word I have ever said to you.”

“Caduceus is very cool, ja. And the memory is a blessing and a curse for me and everyone around me. I also have a very good sense of time, and I have used it to annoy the shit out of my friends.”

“Nerd.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Fuck off.”

Caleb chuckled. “Back to my original point. Trent is a piece of shit. He wanted us to believe we chose to follow him, ja, but the choice was false. He wanted us to believe we did not deserve better. Even now that we are free from him, it is not easy to break that conditioning. Our minds are more fragile than we like to think, ja?”

“Ja, I guess.” The momentary brightness faded from Felix’s expression, and the heaviness returned.

“And an important step in countering that is to reach out to the people who care about you.”

Felix slammed his spellbook shut, hiding the Fireball spell from view. “And if I don’t want to?”

“Let me ask a question in return. What do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you so sure you do not want to repair your relationship with your parents?”

Felix groaned softly. “Did you have to word it like that? Of course I…” His voice dropped to a murmur. “Arschloch.”

“Then, is the problem less about what you want, or don’t want, and more about what you think you deserve?” Caleb had far too much experience in feeling that way.

“Fuck you, Caleb.” Felix scrambled to his feet, hugging the spellbook to his chest. “Are you going to teach me this spell, or did you just plan on lecturing me all day?”

Ah. There was the limit. “All right, I’ve said my piece.” Caleb got up. “You said you’ve transcribed the spell?”

“Ja. I just… it’s not an easy spell to practice.”

“I know. Shall we go outside? We will need space for this.”

[system-of-a-feather]

May we please ask for tips to how handle near constant anxiety?

Honestly, these days we probably aren't the best people to ask. It's been a while since we really experienced regularly disruptive dissociation and like... we had a LITTLE bit of anxiety today and it was enough to be a "damn okay lemme grab my coping skills out of the bag"; so take that context as a bit of a disclaimer that we are sharing some of this as someone who doesn't have much anxiety anymore

With that said...

The first thing I tend to like to check in is "are my physical needs met"; cause if you are dehydrated, hungry, sleepy, forgot to take your meds, etc, it is usually immensely helpful to address any of those needs as much as you realistically can with your current mental state since those sorts of things tend to play a role in symptoms.

I really like the "You Feel Like Shit" website to just go through a few check ins since I tend to forget them in the moment.

After that, assuming you can notice / be aware / acknowledge that you are anxious, it's probably a good opportunity to try to take a step back from your thoughts; You are in an anxious spiral / falling into an anxious spiral / having unhelpful anxious feelings / thoughts. Thats okay and normal, but its good that you noticed it. Since you noticed it, I'm assuming you probably don't feel like its helping you right now and/or would like to reduce it, so lets mentally take a step back.

Easier said then done, but largely this is where the skills therapists and mental health people always talk about regarding mindfullness and grounding comes in handy. There are a number of grounding techniques that can be used and I suggest trying a few to see which work the best. A lot of people like the 5-4-3 sensory check in, box breathing, taking 10 deep breaths, open recall of some favorite thing you know a lot about (I sometimes do naming birds or the first 151 pokemon), or just literally sitting down outside. The goal is to 1) make a bit of a break in the spiral so that you can simply observe your own thoughts and feelings in a more neutral and less overwhelmed state and 2) to try to reconnect and activate your frontal lobe (as the frontal lobe tends to shut off when individuals are out of their window of tolerance / having high anxiety)

If you can acknowledge you are feeling anxious in a way that is not helpful and take a step back, you can kind of look at the anxiety a bit more clearly to see the best way to try to help yourself.

In a more short term lens, I think it's partially important to kind of understand what KIND of anxiety it is and how its presenting; I tend to find there are kind of two main "types" of presentations I see (not official, just how I kind of mentally organize / conceptualize it generally) - Shutdown Anxiety and Energizing / Escalating Anxiety.

Shutdown Anxiety I tend to generally understand as anxiety that makes you mentally shutdown, unable to act, extremely avoidant, and / or makes you depressed; overall anxiety that makes you fall out of your window of tolerance and into a hypoarousal response.

Energizing / Escalating Anxiety I tend to generally understand as anxiety that makes you more active, makes you more irritable or workaholic or stimulus seeking, and makes you NEED to do something / move / stay busy; overall anxiety that makes you fall out of your window of tolerance and into a hyperarousal response.

Of course, it's not black and white and there is a lot of grey, but I think it helps to kind of first start by kind of trying to acknowledge where you are on the scale of hypoarousal to hyperarousal as it can help in navigating potential ways to help manage said anxiety.

I personally tend to find myself hyperaroused like... 90% of the time I experience anxiety so a lot of the coping mechanisms I use the most would be ones in response to the more hyperaroused end.

If you are experiencing hypoarousal with your anxiety, (I have a lot less personal experience with it but) distracting, redirecting, and grounding tend to be things that can be helpful; finding things to help you get a little out of your head can go a good distance, so finding a friend to talk to (about the anxiety or something entirely different), finding a game to play, finding something sensory to play or fidget with, finding something to look at, etc. It helps to try to engage with the world around you and focus on what you do have around you rather than getting lost in your head.

If you are experiencing hyperarousal with your anxiety, I tend to find that its incredibly important to try to slow yourself down, sit down, look around and take a breather. Finding something relaxing that you can do (especially if it helps fill the need to Do Something) can be great; for me, playing a management game / farm game or going for a run tend to help a lot.

A bit of a theme here is "opposite action"; if you are anxious and you feel a NEED to do things, you probably would benefit from slowing down and doing less; if you are anxious and feel a NEED to shutdown and do nothing, engaging in something small will probably help you out.

Overall, it can generally be helpful to try to find some self care / kindness activities can help reduce it some. It doesn't have to be anything big or necessarily related to the anxiety, but if you are generally in a place where you are doing unhelpful coping mechanisms that aren't making you feel better, it can be helpful to sort of try to place yourself in a situation where you can engage in a more meaningful and helpful hobby / self care / coping mechanism (playing video games, art, music).

In the more long term lens, it can be helpful to generally practice a lot of different coping skills, grounding skills, and overall developing both a better awareness of when you are feeling anxious / having unhelpful anxious thoughts. I find its often more helpful to try practicing these and exploring these when you are LESS anxious since its easier to do them then and the more you do them, the easier it will be to do them in the future when you are having extreme anxiety.

Additionally, I personally really like to just keep the window of tolerance and circle of control in mind. The Circle of Control is honestly a really nice thing to return to - in my experience - as it helps you recenter and focus on what things about the source of your anxiety you can control rather than what you can't. If you can identify and list out things about the situation that you CAN control, it gives you some help in developing a sense of more safety and progress to addressing the issue than the often "things I can't control" sort of way a lot of anxious thoughts get fixated on. It can be helpful to actually fill it out physically since it lets you kind of actually look at it a bit.

[spanishskulduggery]

hi! i read a lot of psychology articles and was wondering if you could make a list of vocab related to that, or direct me to a list like that. words for the brain, nervous system, etc.

So this might not be everything you’d want but I’ll try and include some of the words I know that might help as far as psychology and some of the more common parts of the brain.

The good thing is that many of the parts of the brain are pretty much the same words with a different accent. Wikipedia is a great source for this, just search “brain” in Wikipedia and change the language to Spanish

There are also words that make more sense if you understand the Latin or Greek behind them. For example la barrera hematoencefálica is the “blood-brain-barrier”… it’s made up of the word barrera which is “barrier” and then “hemo” which refers to “blood” [as in hemophilia], and then the other word is connected to the idea of “encephalus” which is “brain” [as in “encephalitis”]

In some contexts you’ll see the brain as el encéfalo or in some (usually older) contexts you might see it as los sesos where el seso does mean “brain”, but los sesos is used euphemistically as “brains” or “smarts”, and you usually only see seso today in a figurative sense.

So I’ll do basic physical brain vocab and then more psychology and theoretical psychology words:

el cerebro = brain

la cabeza = head

el cráneo = skullla calavera = skull

la columna = spine / backbone [lit. “column”]la columna vertebral = spine, spinal column

la médula espinal = spinal cord

la célula = cell

la glándula = glandla glándula pituitaria = pituitary gland

el nervio = nerve

la hormona = hormone

el músculo = muscle

la neurona = brain cell / neuron, nerve cell

el neurotransmisor = neurotransmitter

el bulbo raquídeo / la médula oblongata = medula oblongata

la sustancia gris = grey/gray matter

el lóbulo = lobe

el tálamo = thalamus

el cuerpo calloso = corpus callosum

la corteza cerebral = cerebral cortex

el cerebelo = cerebellum

el sistema nervioso (central) = (central) nervous system

el sistema digestivo = digestive system

el sistema endocrino = endocrine system

el sistema circulatorio = circulatory system

el sistema límbico = limbic system

el sistema inmunológico = immune systemel sistema inmune = immune system

la barrera hematoencefálica [BHE] = blood-brain-barrier [BBB]

el hipocampo = hippocampus

el hipotálamo = hypothalamus

la amígdala = amygdala [also means “tonsil” when talking about the throat, since it just kind of means “almond” in its etymology]

la sangre = blood

el oxígeno = oxygen

la enfermedad = disease

la salud = health

So now onto psychology as far as like Freud or Jung or things like that. 

Some things to note:

First the field of psychology is almost always la psicología but in some older things you might see it done as sicología. Similar to any other word that involves “psych-”, Spanish at one point saw the P as optional because it didn’t really add anything to the pronunciation. But for the most part, modern Spanish almost always has the P in these words.

Also el trastorno is “disorder” in the medical sense and it extends to physical disorders and mental disorders, so whenever you see this word used it’s typically in a medical terminology.

There are also different words that have been taken from English psychological terms or translated directly that may be translated differently depending on what you read. A common one is “trigger” which as a verb is usually desatar [lit. “to untie/unleash”] or desencadenar [lit. “to unchain/unleash”]… but in a psychological context, it’s sometimes el trigger or you’ll see the approximation el gatillo. The word el gatillo is a literal “trigger” of a gun or a bomb, directly translated from English. There are some contexts where you’d see it as something like el desencadenante which is “the event that triggered something” or el catalizador “catalyst”. Just like English, the context is important and typically el trigger/gatillo is more psychological, while the other words are sometimes more figurative.

Another one that sometimes shows up in certain psychological contexts is “bullying”. A lot of Spanish uses hacer bullying for “to bully”, and el bullying as the noun. In other places you might see el abuso “abuse” or el acoso “harassment”; but they sometimes have different meanings, where abusar might be “to abuse” rather than the connotation that “bullying” sometimes suggests, and el acoso or acosar is also the verb used for “stalking”, “harassment”, and the idea of “creeping on (someone)”. In legal situations, “bullying” is often translated as abuso probably to get across what a serious legal issue it is.

There’s also a difference in Spanish translation of “psyche” which I can’t totally make a good note for in the list, so I’ll just explain here. Part of the issue is just the theoretical language of it.

The idea of a “psyche” as far as meaning human emotions and your personality is normally understood as la psique which is the direct translation of “Psyche” where it came from Greek and Greek mythology. When you use la psique you typically are using it as a synonym for “soul”.

People also use the words la psiquis and el psiquismo which you’d normally see in some kind of Freudian literature. The idea is that la psiquis is (more or less) the “psyche” as in your conscious and unconscious. And el psiquismo is a concept around the way a person - and their mind - interacts and learns. So these two words do mean “psyche”, but usually in theoretical concepts of the brain and psychology.

Typically you’ll only see la psique for “psyche” and it usually refers to either your basic personality, temperament, and morals, but also how those things are created in the brain or changed. Also more frequently than la psique you might see la mente “mind” for this.

In other words, el cerebro is usually the physical structure, and la psique or la mente are usually used in contexts with intangible things, emotions, sensations, morals, desires, feelings, thought, and perception.

Anyway, onto the new vocab:

la psicología = psychology

el psicólogo, la psicóloga = psychologist

la psiquiatría = psychiatry

el/la psiquiatra = psychiatrist

pensar = to think

creer = to believe

asumir / suponer = to assume / to suppose

averiguar = to find out, to ascertain

saber = to know (facts)

conocer = to know (people/places), to become familiar with

oler = to smell [an irregular verb in present tense]

ver = to see

oír = to hear

tocar = to touch [also “to play (instruments)” or “to play (music)”]

saber / probar = to taste[usually the act of tasting is probar, the use of saber is like sabe a algo “it tastes like something”]

sonar = to sound (like something) / to ring (bell), to go off (alarm/siren)[as in me suena familiar “it sounds familiar to me”]

soñar (con algo/alguien) = to dream (of something/someone)desvelar = to stay awake, to keep awake

percibir = to perceive

sentir = to sense [often used as “to hear” or “to notice”]

sentirse = to feel (emotions)

sufrir = to suffersufrir de (algo) = to suffer from (something), “to have (an illness)”

malentender = to misunderstand

malinterpretar = to misinterpret, to misunderstand

la medicina = medicine

la ciencia = science

la droga = drug

la dopamina = dopamine

la oxitocina = oxytocin

la serotonina = serotonin

la depresión = depression

el bienestar = well-being, welfare

el trastorno = disorder

la enfermedad = illness, sickness

enfermo/a = ill, sick

el humor = mood

la teoría = theory

el pensamiento = thought

la creencia = belief

la hipótesis = hypothesishipotético/a = hypothetical

el sesgo = bias [especially in statistics]el sesgo de confirmación = confirmation bias

el prejuicio = bias / prejudice, discrimination

el olfato = (sense of) smell

la vista = (sense of) sight, eyesight

el oído = (sense of) hearing / ear, inner-ear

el tacto = (sense of) touch

el gusto = (sense of) taste

el conocimiento = awareness / understanding

desconocido/a = unknown

la sabiduría = knowledge, wisdom

el sueño = dream / sleepiness, sleeptener sueño = to be sleepy

el desvelo = sleeplessness, wakefulness

el insomnio = insomnia, sleeplessness

la percepción = perception, understanding

la comprensión = understanding, comprehension

el sentido = a sense

el sentimiento = feeling

la sobrecarga = overload, short-circuitla sobrecarga sensorial = sensory overload

el dolor de cabeza = headachela migraña = migraine, headachela jaqueca = migraine [a jaqueca is always understood as very severe, so it’s usually “migraine” or “throbbing headache”; particularly understood as being chronic or happening a lot]

la memoria = memory [also used as “memory” in the case of “ability to remember”]el recuerdo = memory [often used as individual “memories” or things someone remembers; unrelated, it also means “souvenir”]

el análisis = analysis [plural is los análisis]

la prueba = test / sample

la muestra (estadística) = sample [as in “sampling of people” for tests]la muestra aleatoria = random sampling / randomized sampling

el grupo de control = control group

el dolor = pain

la pena = sorrow [sometimes la pesadumbre in older works]

el duelo = grief, mourning, loss

el luto = mourning(estar) de luto = (to be) in mourning

el sufrimiento = suffering

el tratamiento = treatment [can be used as “medical treatment/care”, or also the way someone “treats” someone else]

la motivación = motivation

el motivo = motive, reason

la razón = reason

el método = method

el incentivo = incentive, motivation

el impulso = impulse / drive, impetus

el estímulo = stimulus

la investigación = research [or “investigation”, but in science it’s usually “research”]

el resultado = result

el expediente = document, record, file

el archivo = file / archive

el dato, los datos = data

el mecanismo de defensa = defense mechanismel retraimiento = withdrawal, pulling away, isolationla negación = denialla proyección = projectionla disociación = dissociationla represión = repressionla regresión = regressionla racionalización = rationalizationla compartimentalización = compartmentalizingla sublimación = sublimation

las cinco etapas del duelo = the 5 stages of griefla negación = denialla ira = angerla negociación = bargaining / negotiationla depresión = sadness, depressionla aceptación = acceptance

las emociones (básicas) = (basic) emotionsla alegría = happinessla tristeza = sadnessel miedo = fearel asco = disgustla ira = anger

alegre = happy

triste = sad

enojado/a = angry

la fobia = phobia, irrational fear

tener miedo a (algo/alguien) = to be afraid of (something/someone)

la interpretación de sueños = dream analysis, dream interpretation

la pesadilla = nightmare

la jerarquía de las necesidades humanas = hierarchy of (human) needs

la autorrealización = self-realization

la autoestima = self-esteem

la personalidad = personality

el temperamento = temperament

la actitud = attitude

el carácter = (a person’s) character, the way a person is, nature

la naturaleza = nature

el rasgo = trait, characteristic

¿Se nace o se hace? = “Nature vs. Nurture”[lit. “is one born (with it) or does one become (it)”]

[wolfinshipclothing]

Oh ok, this is happening.

Take a look at that boy. He is so BROKEN.

After the shattering and healing of Jasper, Steven is now dealing with a sense of lost, fear of his own powers AND with a terrible guilt too. Because finally, and despite his efforts to do the opposite, he has actually hurt someone. Sure, he fixed Jasper, but the damage is done.

So of course he goes to the Diamonds, whom he thinks might be able to help him. Turns out they have been doing a lot of helping these days in their own ways, but none of them can help Steven.

“You can be big if you want to, you can be small if you want to, but if you are gonna be upset no matter what, then this problem isn’t physical. Its emotional. Go see Blue.”

Yellow, of course, is right. Steven getting big was never the problem, its the fact that he does so out of control and when he is upset or something triggers his trauma.

“I found happiness. If that’s not something you think YOU deserve, then i suspect this might be an issue of self-worth. I suggest you go to White.”

Blue is closer to the stove. Sure, Steven might find stuff that could make him temporarily happy (Blue’s clouds, hanging with his dad, Connie), but if he don’t adress the biggest issue, he will always feel bad, no matter what.

“Oh Steven. So many would DREAM of having your powers, and it only worries you […] Half a diamond, half a creature of the Earth. In all the Universe, there is no one else who can know what you are going throught. So maybe its time you talk to yourself.”

Wow. Ok, first of all, kudos to White. This is the same gem that a few years ago was convinced she was the biggest thing since white bread (HA!), and that she knew all the answers; but now she is admitting that the only person who can knows what Steven is going through is himself.

Second of all, SHE IS RIGHT. Out of all of the Diamonds, she is the last one i thought would be right, but she is. Steven is unique. And he is getting increasingly alone, putting a wall between himself and the people that love him. So, White suggest he talks to himself.

Big mistake.

The first thing that happens is that Steven sees himself as a Diamond. And he hates it. But is interesting cause, if White can see through other peoples eyes when she is possessing them, then the opposite is also true. Steven can see through both his and White’s eyes.

Case in point, when he lost his temper....

“She cant hurt me, i am controlling her. So, why am i so affraid?”

There. We see Steven, looking at himself through White eyes. Because he is not afraid of White (or not entirely), he is afraid of Himself; afraid of how much Diamond there is inside himself. How much he is like Yellow, Blue, White, and PINK.

Now, lets look at this mess.

Boy, you can’t tell me Steven wasn’t dissociating in here. But i don’t think his intention was to “shatter” White.

Remember, there is no White here. This is Steven, controlling himself, AND White, but something strange happens and he, kind of, splits. There is giant Steven on one hand; he is not Pink Steven, nor Chad Steven, nor Diamond Eyes Steven. He is Steven, period.

And then there is PINK!WHITE.

So, to me, it feels like Steven’s mind is merging/confusing/associating what he feels about White with what he feels about himself, hence the Pink!White.

Which makes me believe that Steven was not trying to hurt White (At least not directly). In fact, the episode never even pretends he tried to. Take a look:

These are Giant!Steven hands. But these are not Real!Steven’s hands, these are White’s hands. Holding the air.

And these are Pink!White hands. Holding the pillar.

You see? White was never in danger cause she was holding nothing. Steven was dissociating, talking with himself in a sort of fever dream scenario. Not only that, he reversed the situation

He used White’s body control powers to move his real body, to force himself to do what he wanted but didn’t dare to.

Destroy his Diamond self, here incarnated in White’s form. He wasn’t trying to assault her; he was trying to hurt himself, the Diamond part of him.

Steven literally forced himself to hit his head against a wall!

BRUTAL.

And when everything is said and done, he runs away, but Spinel stops him. And he thinks “hey, she is better know right? She can help me!”

But no… Because, 1-Spinel doesn't take anything seriously, and 2-THE PERSON THAT HELPED SPINEL WAS STEVEN HIMSELF!

So he runs and grows until he is as big (if not bigger than Pink), and then he warps away to…

Where?

Yeah, thats the question.

WHERE in the universe could Steven Universe go?

You know, i think White nailed it when she said that nobody knew what he was going through but him. All these episodes, all of Steven Universe Future has been about Steven trying to be at peace with himself. To discover who he is.

So far he has tried:

-Getting a long-life career (saving the universe/little homeschool)

-Getting a hobby (gardening)

-Hanging with his friends (Lars, Saddie, Peridot)

-Getting married (Connie)

-And connecting with his family (Greg and his human side/the Diamonds, his gem side).

You know, all the things that people do to fill their lives. Nothing worked. He rejected the idea of being Human (that boat sailed long ago), and the idea of being a Diamond is horrifying to him. He is in a void now, when he is NO ONE.

The ending of the episode was pretty clear in that matter.

The Diamonds calling out for Steven, saying they are his family, mimicking the way Garnet said it at the start of the episode.

But now that Steven has cut ties with all his family and friends, now that he has no-one to support him, no other identity to attach himself to… Where will he go?

And i think thats how Future is gonna be resolved. Steven will have to face both sides of himself.

He is not just human. He is not just a Gem.

He is BOTH. He is Steven Universe.

Once he had made peace with that, he might actually find out WHO that is.

[delusion-of-negation]

Stupid question but I've been trying to solve this problem for god knows how long and I think I haven't asked you yet. Basically, I'm writing a story, it's a psychological drama with sci-fi and horror elements but mostly it's just "Would that be fucked up or what?" with no specific genres. And I've always written in first person because I like to focus on the unrestrained chain of thought of the characters and on their subjective experiences, the ich form also allows an unreliable narrator and forces you to remember that you must pass your own judgement onto the characters because the protagonist may be biased. The ich form is basically the ideal for me and I never needed to use a different form.

Cue the story I'm writing. The story is split into three main acts with different characters in the forefront in each act. The more important thing is that most of the characters die. Which is what makes it rather hard to use ich form, however, I am also terrible at er form. I have no idea what to do. For a while I thought about doing what Remarque did and using the ich form UNTIL a character dies...but what then? Remraque's MC dies at the end, after which he finishes in er form. My hoes die all the time. Someone told me that I should just switch to the ich form of another character as that happens. By itself, that sounds great, but I am unsure if it wouldn't be too distracting, since many a time a character dies in the middle of a scene that definitely needs to reach its finish for full impact, which means that I'd have to switch the POVs in the same scene. And there are lots of intersecting plotlines with different characters so eg chapter 4 would have to have a different POV than chapter 5. Someone else suggested just writing in er form, which seems reasonable but ia a problem for me personally. Right now I am using a weird...combination? of the two forms. Like...technically speaking it's the er form but I always write it in ich form first and then transform it into a somewhat comprehensible er form. That somewhat works but I have the tendency to try to capture the thoughts and feelings of EVERY character in the scene because "Oh wow er form, nobody is the POV", and that leads to incredibly long passages about nothing. Which is fine by me, it's like a character drama and I like those, but most people don't. Like I can sit down and read half an hour worth of nothing but a guy's inner philosophical monologue, but most people don't want that.

personally, I don't write in first person much because I find it hard, especially with regards to how much description I like to do, but then sometimes I have to be careful to not get so detached that the writing becomes almost a dissociated vibe. what I do is sprinklings of all the characters vibes, emotions, through what is kind of a combo of a bit in their head and a bit from expressions and such, but not like an inner monologue. but I focus most heavily on one specific character in each section. for my superhero book I'm working on varying typing styles and such between characters, so that each section isn't just vaguely following them, it's very personalised to them and to how they see the world. Nightmare's sections are cold and analytical, Legion's sections are childish and naïve, etc. by sections here, I mean more like chapters or a series of chapters, not just a couple paragraphs. but I'm still not going fully into their heads or first person, more just as if you're seeing what's happening through these intensely personal lenses of theirs, recounting what's happening without any thoughts of my own through descriptions and such. because that's the goal for how I want my stories to be and how I like to convey it, like a non-thinking description of everything with the characters' thoughts there but not narrating. hope that's explained well enough I'm very tired. I think it should be written in the style that makes you most comfortable and intrigues you the most. there's no point writing something with some goal about what "most people" want, because you're likely never going to write something in such a way that most people will enjoy it, you have to appeal to a specific audience who will enjoy what you want to create - if that's "those who like reading half an hour of philosophical monologue" for you then appeal to those guys.