#any other autistic people feel this way ir have this experience?

[autisticlee]

sometimes I have autistic realizations that hit really hard.

I'm listening to a podcast (science vs) episode about meditation and what it does/how you do it/if it works. first there was an example of a meditation for mindfulness and focusing on breathing and how it feels. I was thinking how that seems pointless because i'm always aware of how it feels to breathe: my chronically stuffy nose, asthma, ribcage/back hurting if I breathe too deep/etc. but I already knew I have to think about breathing more than most people or I might accidentally hold my breath, and my chronic stuffy nose is very annoying to deal with.

then this part i'm at now talks about how most people go through taking a shower without really realizing they're doing it, like they arent feeling the shower sensations and just go through the motions. so mindful showering is feeling the water on your skin, feeling the temperature of the water and how it changes, etc. "being present, knowing what it feels like, knowing you are there and alive and having that experience..." and that's what mindfulness is.

the thing about me, due to being autistic, i'm basically practicing mindfulness 24/7 against my will. my sensory units in my brain are on constant overdrive and I cannot turn them off. i'm aware of every sensation and feeling and sound and etc at all times and can't ignore them.

the big realization this gave me is that...I'm profoundly aware of being alive and present. i'm overly aware of what i'm experiencing at all times. while most people can use mindfulness to ground themselves from overwhelm and anxiety caused by every day life worries, I GET anxiety and overwhelm from mindfulness-like experiences.

how do i tune things out and turn off my brain? I need an anti-mindfulness method that isn't dissociating out of my mind 😅

[rileyandrogyne]

Dead at the wall, I have broken, this stone cold heart finally broke, my heart, it races, so fucking fast I can’t keep up with the beats. I’ve done it. I’ve done it. I’ve done it. I stopped counting the days I was clean for long ago. So it doesn’t matter that I’m back here. It’s raining, shame it’s not blood, or acid, or morphine. My sweet friend, back together again. I can see the sun in the night sky. Just one more time. That’s all I need, one more time then I’ll start counting and I’ll stay counting, maybe I’ll be one of those addicts who finds “God” or gardening or whatever else is supposed to keep addicts clean and compliant to what the world wants of everyone. My body is already failing me, I keep feeling it, it’s getting closer. It won’t do me any harm, I swear, I feel bad for it but it’ll make me feel better too. More so than any antipsychotics can. I tried but I can’t really do what other people do and I don’t really know how to manage my emotions, I can’t stop fucking thinking, questioning everything, every little detail, all the big things too. I can’t explain it well, the swarm of shit in my brain 24 hours a day. In a glass cage made up of my thoughts and the constant questions that no one can answer for me, that I cannot answer myself. Is this a breakdown or a realisation? That I can either stay here or leave. But it’s overwhelming to pick one. I am not a good person. I’ve done a lot of bad shit, I am not good at friendships, relationships of any kind. I find it hard to think about how others may feel, and I am even worse at expressing myself when I do understand. Because the only way I understand is by reinterpreting it to my own experiences, and I suppose that is very selfish of me. And not understanding at all. I am too intense, I don’t know when to turn off. I can’t be happy as anyone. Evangeline died her death many years ago and I am glad I am not her anymore. I feel sick thinking of her, I despise her still. I want her to stay buried. But yet I have to put on a performance as her every fucking day. Evangeline is my mask. I don’t want to wear that mask now. My fragmented self, I can’t put them back together. I wish I could. Maybe using again will help with that, maybe that’s the thing that’ll fill this hole. When I was a child, I would turn my life into a novel to survive. But I was never the main character really, and I still am not, I am and always have been insignificant. Insignificant nameless human. Who is gonna die the same as everyone else on this planet will. So really, ir doesn’t matter how it happens, because I am insignificant. Whether this is an overdose, or if I come out of it later and I decide to hang or bleed or go to the tracks. It won’t fucking matter. My story doesn’t matter, my ending doesn’t matter. And I will be nameless in a hundred years or maybe even less than that. But maybe being nameless is okay. We will all be nameless eventually. It won’t be dramatic, I promise. Dramatics are tiring anyways. I never liked being the centre of attention, on my birthdays I always ended up hiding upstairs under the bed after an hour or two. The lives of autistic people are mostly silent. I tried to be vocal and scream it, but it went too far. And even then, only few understood, and few of those who needed to listen did so. My mother is going to be mad at me for taking her cash so I can get what I need. I can’t decipher if I should feel bad for that or not. Like I said, I am not a good person, does goodness exist? I know some might misinterpret this, and think it is for attention or sympathy or some fucking shit like that. But it’s not. I am not an attention seeker and I never have been, it’s not in my nature. I just needed to try and get something out of my head, even if it’s only this short passage of muddled thoughts in whatever this state of mind is that I’m currently in. I’m mad at myself for starting on a okay note today and then my mood crashing this low, for getting hold of drugs again, for losing my sense of who I am. Whatever I choose to do, it won’t be poetic.

[aroworlds]

What Makes Us Human, Part One

Moll of Sirenne needs prompts in their girdle book to navigate casual conversations, struggles to master facial expressions and feels safest weeding the monastery's vegetable gardens. Following their call to service, however, means offering wanderers in need a priest's support and guidance. A life free of social expectation to court, wed and befriend does outweigh their fear of causing harm—until forgetting the date of a holiday provokes a guest's ire and three cutting words: lifeless and loveless.

A priest must expand a guest's sense of human worth, but what do they do when their own comes under question? Can an autistic, aromantic priest ever expect to serve outside the garden? And what day is it...?

Contains: A middle-aged, agender priest set on defying social norms around love; an alloromantic guest with a journey to undergo in conquering her amatonormativity and ableism; and an elderly aromantic priest providing irascible reassurance.

Content Advisory: Depictions and discussions of ableism, amatonormativity and dehumanisation, particularly with regards to autism and aromanticism. Please expect additional background references to partner abuse and dysfunctional relationships, along with a side mention of magic causing harm to animals. This piece also includes reflections on non-romantic love's being pushed as a second-best "humanising" quality on non-partnerning, aplatonic and neurodiverse aros.

Length: 4, 946 words (part one of two).

Note: This is the newest entry in my tradition of Not Valentine’s Day Aro Stories posted on Valentine’s Day. No familiarity with my other Marchverse stories is needed, although it does obliquely nod at events referenced in Love is the Reckoning.

You think love is what makes us human, if you must choose one quality?

Moll opens their girdle book and, without looking, sets their fingertip by a word written a third of the way down the page. Gardening. Sighing, they buckle the book closed and drop it back into position at their hip. Sirenne’s greenhouses and vegetable gardens, in their midsummer bounty, gift the monastery a glut of corn, beans and cucumbers; they can start breakfast’s conversation with that observation. The kitchen’s current tendency to add corn to foods and dishes that don’t usually encompass them offers another direction, along with more anodyne comments about weeding and Sirenne’s scores of potted plants. Simple enough, as discussions go.

When will their calling start to feel simple?

True, they count ownership of their red robes in weeks and months, the scar on their shoulder still pink. The brown belt of a novice priest bears the girdle book and a leather pouch, its length crisp and unmarked. Five years of study can’t yet earn the confidence of experience: by logic’s metric, it’s unreasonable for Moll to expect mastery in this new art. How can they compare the difficulty of their new work to the ease they owned in the old? Aren’t they creating their distress by anticipating the unrealistic?

“Fifteen years with the Seventh,” they mutter under their breath as they walk to the serving tables and fill a bowl with steamed rice and quinoa, today drizzled with stewed apricots. A waiting acolyte, standing behind the array of dishes, pays Moll’s murmuring no mind. “It’s only been a little over five, here. Don’t compare them.”

They add another ladle of apricots to their bowl and turn towards their table, tucked to the side of the great hall—away from the clatter of the kitchen doors, close to a window looking onto one of the monastery’s fern-clustered courtyards. Moll dislikes navigating all the chairs filled by guests, acolytes and guiding priests, but they’ll accept that thrice-daily annoyance for the comparative quiet of their corner.

Today, despite the hall’s great arched roof and echoing tile floor, the noise isn’t as bothersome.

Only when they reach their table do they realise why: one advising priest, her red robes belted with green, joins the gaggle of guests and acolytes. Where are the others? Did something happen overnight? The Guide misses as many meals as she attends, but never has Moll seen so few of Sirenne’s senior priests at breakfast. Frowning, they look to their acolytes sitting at the middle of the table. Dare they ask? If something serious has happened, wouldn’t Moll already know? Why risk distressing James by calling attention to something that may lack any import?

Neither appears to mark anything amiss.

“Good morning.” Moll sits opposite James and across from the brown-robed acolytes, working to keep their voice even and low. James regards the slightest abruptness in Moll’s speech as indicative of anger or disgust, and they prefer no further misunderstandings. “I see that the kitchen serves cornbread, creamed corn and corn fritters this morning?”

The acolytes nod vehemently.

James, staring at her plate, pays Moll no attention. She’s a small and delicate woman, pretty as some reckon such things. Fine chains of embroidery decorate the cuffs of her linen shirt and the panels of her grey waistcoat; studs carved like silver roses sparkle in her ear lobes, while matching combs and pins hold back her silky curls. Paint darkens her lips and evens a complexion in little need of it; no callus of pen, needle or weapon roughens her soft fingers. She’s elegant like a fashion plate in a book, but the illusion breaks when Moll looks to her nails, bitten down to the distal edge. A habit, they know, discouraged in the classes of people needful of donning powder and paint before breakfast at a secluded monastery.

Never has she bitten them in public, and she rejected Moll’s suggestion of fidget tools as though offended by their observation of her need. Even their usual use of a weighted, beaded cord while talking drew her ire: it’s manipulative, she said, as though their stimming exists only in relationship to the shame social niceties require nobody mention, to pressure me by using something I have refused in front of me.

She did, yesterday, observe the morning greeting.

“Corn wouldn’t be so bad,” Alicia says, her eyes flicking from James to Moll underneath an untidy mop of red hair, “if they’d do something new with it.”

“Don’t say that!” Ro howls, poking Alicia in the arm. At eighteen, he isn’t much more than a child, gangly and frenetic. Remembering the reasons underpinning his service during meals—to help a guiding priest maintain a casual conversation before their guests—isn’t yet second nature. “They’ll be giving us corn in pudding next!”

Moll suspects they’re meant to learn from Ro’s impulsiveness as much as Ro should from their measured consideration.

Measured consideration is the polite way of saying “rigidly follows rules”.

“Corn custard?” Alicia grins and elbows Ro in the ribs. When he forgets his duty, she soon follows him.

“Don’t even say it! Don’t give them ideas!”

“Corn custard, corn custard, corn custard!”

James sits at the table as if unhearing, her lean hands pushing a piece of toasted wheat bread across her plate. She smells like jasmine, her perfume a foreign, expensive contrast to breakfast’s savoury aromas, Moll’s apricots and the damp, earthy scents of the courtyard. She smells like their childhood.

They hastily swallow a mouthful of their own breakfast, the grains mingling with the sweet fruit, before attempting a direct question. “Do you garden, James? I didn’t have the opportunity before Sirenne, unless I count the Warp’s tendency to provoke sacks of flour into sprouting seedlings overnight? I still know little, but I’ve learnt that I enjoy mucking about with a trowel.”

There: a question and a few personal observations. Isn’t that the mainstay of an acceptable social exchange? Three terms in the Seventh Western Regiment, stationed in the Warp during the Council of Advocates’ last attempt to settle that magic-twisted territory, have left Moll with a lifetime of anecdotes. Many—like the time a crate of fleece-lined coats outside the wards became a bleating collection of violently disfigured sheep—are best left unmentioned during meals, but magical wheat seems safe enough for breakfast chatter.

James, without blinking, pinches off a corner from her piece of buttered toast.

If not for a week’s observation, Moll may have thought her unable to hear or process.

“I hate gardening,” Alicia offers, after another look at James. “Dirt under my fingernails? I’d rather dust or wash dishes or sweep.”

Ro snickers. “Dirt? Of course—”

Moll taps him on the ankle with their bare foot.  

“Uh … yes, I don’t like dirt, either. Because I hate laundry. Your hands get all cracked and dry. I’ve still got scars from when my skin split in winter. But when your father’s a launderer…” Ro shakes his head and glances at Moll. “What did you hate, in your old job?”

People who go through my wagons. Officers who refuse to follow needed precautions. The mouldy-citrus smell of warped, decaying magic.

Instead, they stop to think of something others will find relatable: Moll enjoyed the usual army annoyances of polishing boots and mending uniforms. The barracks brats of the Seventh always knew when their quartermaster passed a sleepless night, for they’d wake to find their newly-darned stockings laid out over their gear chests.  

“Latrine duty. I didn’t dislike planning or digging, but cleaning up a latrine site isn’t enjoyable for obvious reasons. Soldiers left to unsupervised orders, however, have a marked tendency to the slapdash.”

Alicia, of course, pulls a face.  

James turns away from Moll, her pressed lips and deep frown suggesting irritation or disdain.

Anxiety, too familiar a companion, sits as heavily in Moll’s gut as a month’s diet of wheat bread.

They can’t remember a time in childhood absent that pervasive sense of dread, the knowing of their having errored without cognition on how or why. Nor was their adulthood so free—the difference being that Moll had twenty years to learn the rules and rhythms of military life, and service in the Warp excused some of Moll’s habits and provoked similar needs in others. Then the Council surrendered to the Warp and disbanded the Seventh, leaving Moll adrift in a world governed by normal magic and unexplained rules.

Sirenne, where people communicate with clarity and directness about concepts brushed aside as unacceptable, should have offered refuge.

They eat, letting Alicia and Ro carry the conversation against the backdrop of James’s pointed silence. She only makes a few pointed grimaces when Moll speaks, picking her way through half a slice of toast.  

After yesterday, they planned to offer James the morning for further discussion.

Today, in the absence of a proper breakfast and animus targeted at Moll, they’d best make it a priority.

When the acolytes clear away the dishes and the hall empties out with priests and guests going about chores or sessions, they stand, round the end of the table and bow at James. “Would you please come and walk with me?”

At first, it felt deceptive to string together words so unrelated to their intent. Honesty, to Moll, means saying what is meant: I want to have a private conversation about your mood and health, to help guide you in following the life’s path best suited to you. Gennifer explained, over several occasions, that while all believers know what a priest of the Sojourner means by “walk”, success rarely results from beginning said conversations with direct utterances of an uncomfortable truth.  

They still don’t grasp the logic in that, but Moll now regards the script as a signpost marking the transition from breakfast’s communality to discussion’s intimacy. If Sirenne possesses an agreed-upon willingness to dishonesty between all parties, is it still a lie? A priest’s work doesn’t mean, Gennifer added, a strict adherence to direct honesty, and aren’t they supposed to be challenging the existence of an objective truth? Why should Moll’s regard become the defining metric of falsehood?

Priesthood requires accepting the unfading presence of an existential headache.

James rises, drops her spoon onto her plate with a teeth-jarring clang and follows Moll from the hall—offering, presumably, her consent.

Their favourite courtyard, as always, bears no tag of occupancy. A triangular space jammed between the kitchens and the Guide’s personal wing, it lacks the green softness of Sirenne’s other courtyards, instead beset with craggy planes of rock part-covered by draping vines. While few areas of the monastery don’t feature running water—its movement reflecting the Sojourner’s eternal journey—here a still basin houses pond fish and lilies. Other priests abhor the darkness and stuffiness caused by four walls and the slanting eaves above, but Moll appreciates the yard’s quiet. How do the others listen to running water for hours on end without succumbing to teeth-grinding annoyance?

They murmur the spell for a peach-hued witchlight, palm the resulting sphere and fling it upwards to catch on a trailing cluster of vines by the archway’s apex. “Please, enter.”

James folds her arms, passes under the arch and sits on the bench by the basin, staring at the white lilies clustered along one edge. The toe of her left boot, the leather polished near to gleaming, worries at a crack in the flagstones. “What.”

No lilt, no upturned voice. Probably not a question.

Moll moves to their usual seat. A pillow placed on a dip of the rocky wall provides a safe distance between them and their guests while offering the damp, loamy aura of fern and moss. They still can’t take ordinary nature for granted; they still wake in the night, startled to breathe air that doesn’t smell of rot. “I fear that I have caused you offense or hurt. I would appreciate knowing, if you’d be so kind as to explain, what I did.”

The difficulty in needing to ask people for explanations lies in their requiring them from those Moll has hurt. Some don’t mind, those who understand the cause of their ignorance, but too many become more offended when having to explain the how and why of something Moll should have known to avoid. If a quartermaster is expected to read another’s body language and glean its inspiring thoughts and feelings, guests grant far less leeway to a priest—no matter how much introductory explanation Moll provides about their autism.

They try, where possible, to describe situations and ask questions of other people, but how can they do so here? James is distressed enough to disregard the customs on which she sets such value; while she wasn’t friendly at breakfast, she didn’t direct her expressions at the acolytes. Moll, based on limited evidence, a reasonable assumption and their history, must have caused her mood.

Again.

James turns her head and shoulders away from Moll—almost putting her back to them while remaining seated on the stone bench.

“I apologise.” They bow as best they can from their seated position. “It’s unfair to place on you the burden of educating me after being hurt. I do wish to know how I can avoid distressing you in future, and I promise that I won’t be angered by your explanation. If you wish another priest to assist in—”

James whirls to face them with startling speed, her teeth bared in something close to a snarl. “What, so you’ll write it down in your book of things to remember?”

Talking, however abrupt and disagreeable, provides an entry into exploration. While a variety of considering or responsive silences should be recognised and supported in a healthy exchange, guiding is easier when anything expressive replaces the wall of sullen silence.

Even accusation and aggression.  

“I don’t understand,” Moll demurs, letting their eyes rest on James’s face for fear avoidance suggests anger or insincerity. “Didn’t I explain sufficiently to you why I use my book?”

A guiding priest must, inquisitively, engage with their flock’s thoughts and feelings. Curiosity means putting aside judgement and listening, open-hearted, to the twists and turns of a path that lead to their conclusions. Curiosity means offering, as non-judgementally as possible, a more useful direction. Curiosity means listening to and acknowledging another’s criticism of their work. Curiosity means putting aside the last conversation Moll had with a guest about their girdle book … even as bile’s bitter sourness coats the back of their throat and tongue.

James snorts. She holds her chin high above the stiff collar of her shirt, her shoulders set, her hands folded in her lap. Even in session, she doesn’t forgo correctness for comfort. “You think that I haven’t seen you picking something to talk about each meal? Except you didn’t remember to write down what day it is, did you? You just ask completely irrelevant questions!”

What day…? They work through the shards of story James has shared, but none suggest significance of the day, week or season. She spoke, in short references, of a relationship fallen apart and a family taking the side of her partner, citing reasons of financial investment. She spoke of need for a temporary reprieve from both—threaded with the hope of return when her partner’s anger ebbs enough for normal’s resumption—but resentment colours her references to the friend that suggested sanctuary at a monastery. They know of no anniversary that lends one summer day such profound weight.

Perhaps her disdain draws from something she believes sufficiently communicated, conveyed in hints perceived by an allistic priest?

“I find participating in casual exchanges difficult. This book,” and Moll dips their chin towards their hip, “helps me engage in the talk many of our guests find comforting. Perhaps I mayn’t need it in future, but today I do.” Moll closes their fists and opens them, one deliberate finger at a time. Since fidgets provoke James’s anger, Moll possesses fewer ways to direct and manage their nervousness. “I am grateful for a tool that eases my navigation of unsuited customs. Do you have occasions where you would appreciate a tool to help you with something people don’t expect you to find difficult?”

Gennifer gifted them the girdle book a few months after Moll took the brown; the acolytes of Moll’s calling-year spent that evening offering suggestions and prompts. Sorcha and Oki passed the book amongst the priests until a score of hands filled the pages. For the first time in Moll’s life, they found themself surrounded by people more interested in helping them navigate expectations than in using their difficulties to void their position.

If not for the guests, Sirenne should have offered nothing short of paradise.

Even to think this borders on sacrilege.

“You’re a priest. You’re supposed to be…” James stares, shaking her head. “Or maybe that’s why! You don’t even know what today is, do you? It’s just another day to you—away from the real world, thinking you know anything!” Her voice edges on shrill as she leans forwards. “Is that why you all become priests? Because you’re not normal enough for anything but hiding here?���

Moll admits that their calling exists in part because of the similarities shared by divine and armed service. Both offer the comforting limits of hour bells, set times for work and play, assigned clothing, clear expectations around behaviour. While surprises happen, Sirenne and the Seventh provide rules and processes for how one responds; even the unexpected, in many ways, still owns a guiding spectre of regularity.

Structure, Gennifer summarised after Moll’s explanation. You need—thrive in—the structure.

The monastic life also permits and justifies their failure to navigate life and relationship expectations. A priest of the Sojourner needn’t avoid partnering, but such avoidance isn’t unexpected given their remove from circumstances that facilitate such relationships.

They knew, their boots crunching on the driveway’s blanket of fallen leaves and twigs, that this secluded compound will become home.

They knew, during their first gently-interrogative conversation with Gennifer, what new path their feet must follow.

Does that correlate to hiding?

“I was quartermaster for fifteen years in the Seventh Western Regiment,” Moll says quietly. “After the Seventh’s disbandment and my discharge, I was called to begin a new shape of service, in which I am recognised by the Sojourner and the community of Sirenne. May I ask what ‘normal’ means to you?”

It’s crass to draw James’s attention to their bare shoulders, one marked by their god and one marked by the Guide. What does the possession of either mean, anyway, if Moll doubts their ability to serve as called? They open and close their fists, lifting and lowering one finger at a time, until their body feels less likely to slip out of control.

James, her thin brows raised, stares at the basin and its lilies.

Remember your curiosity.

Curiosity, in the Warp, too often became lethal.

“Would you share with me your understanding of priestly service? Guests are often surprised by the differences between the monastic orders.” They try to smile. “I think that speaks to what the Sojourner preaches—that there are many pathways, often contradictory but always leading to the same place, to understand and honour hir. But it can, sometimes, make for confusion.”

Even her criticism, should it encompass substance and clarity, seems better than this wall of vague disdain interspersed with rejecting silence. Other than referencing a date on which Moll recognises no significance and objecting to their use of the girdle book’s prompts, she hasn’t provided actionable critique or evaluation. They forgot—or didn’t know—today’s significance. How can they rectify that without explanation?

James snorts. “That’s what you tell yourself.”

A woman so bound up in observing customs of dress and behaviour must intend her rudeness.

Should they admit defeat and take James to Gennifer for reassignment? Yet if something significant busies the Guide and her advising priests, Gennifer doesn’t need a brown-belted priest running for help with one guest in, comparatively, a trivial circumstance. Surely even a raw priest, who doesn’t need reminder lists for mealtime conversations, will navigate this situation without help? Isn’t this, then, a learning opportunity? If they can figure out how to gain James’s trust, will they make fewer mistakes with other allistic guests?

They draw a series of breaths—inhale, hold, exhale—but the nauseating anxiety now bears the edges of a restless, sweating panic.

“Yes, I do tell myself that,” they say as agreeably as possible. A display of receptiveness may help James feel comfortable with further elaboration, even though they don’t know why she made such a snide comment. “I do wish to better support you. Before I can do that, I need to learn from you. Every priest must learn from their guests; I just have a greater need than some.”

James looks down at their feet, scraping the soles of their boots across the tiles with a sound that sets Moll’s teeth on edge.

Breathe in, hold, breathe out. Exhale for as long as possible. Close fingers one by one, hold, open them again as slowly as possible. Breathe.

“That sound hurts my ears. Would you please stop?” Moll attempts, again, a smile, but even on the best of days and in the happiest of moods such an expression feels forced and unnatural. If only they could project an image of quiet harmlessness! How else do they manage a tension too often read as threatening when their lips don’t move the usual way? “Thank you.”

James stills her feet, staring at Moll with her head tilted as if to suggest that she looks through them to focus on the vine-shrouded stone behind.

“I understand that today has meaning to you,” they offer. Perhaps retreating to the one problem about which James has provided any clarity will encourage movement. “Would you share this meaning with me, so I can offer the specific support you need? I’ve missed your communicating it.”

As soon as the they say “me”, they realise that an allistic priest with an allistic’s intuitive understanding of social interactions will instead have asked an unrelated question or offered a distracting observation on an unrelated subject.

As soon as they say “me”, they know they have handed James all the excuse she needs.

They just don’t know why.

She leaps upright, her hands trembling. “How are you going to help if you don’t even know? How are you going to help me with my partner, when you don’t know why today matters? Why I have to be alone today of all days, and how awful that is—but you just want explanations like you’re a child at their first solstice, too young to know anything! What’s the good of talking to you when you’re just a statue, lifeless and loveless? Look at you—you don’t even have an expression!”

Her brown eyes glisten as though she stands one wrong word away from tears.

Moll opens and closes their hands, one slow finger at a time.

Share, Oki advised every shadowing. Don’t burden them with your pain, but don’t secret your own struggles. Show them that you walk this road because you know theirs.  

One word, though, they are hesitant to mention.

Perhaps their aromanticism, the sense Moll has owned as for as long as memory that they don’t desire romantic partnerships, is obvious to others. Perhaps James believes that an autistic, with stiff words and a book of conversation prompts, must be aromantic, both “lifeless and loveless”. Maybe she believes aromanticism accompanies an identity equally misunderstood as a detriment or shortcoming. Doesn’t she believe, at least, that those called to priesthood have surrendered any validating sense of what she considers normal—and, therefore, of value?

Convention, for all that she privileges it, nonetheless sent both sheltering beneath Sirenne’s roof.

“I’m truly sorry that you’re hurting and that today is difficult for you. I will do my best to help you, but the more you’re willing to share, the easier I will find it.” Moll speaks with measured care, pausing between each word in the fight to keep their voice from breaking. Measured means rigid. Rigid … isn’t that another way of saying “lifeless”? “My autism or aromanticism, however, don’t mean we lack humanity in common, or that I haven’t struggled with my family or departures from my road—my own despair and illnesses. I haven’t experienced your precise circumstances, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in your struggles or won’t offer a sympathetic ear.”

How can they provide that if she won’t explain her needs?

Lifeless. Frantic limbs and a wild voice, emotion given movement and language, also earns them censure—accusations of immaturity or aggression. Moll’s big, broad body and limbs don’t permit even dangerousness’s suggestion without provoking restrictive consequence. No, they can’t expect her to understand their inability to recollect freedom of reaction, emotion or speech. They don’t expect her to understand that adulthood’s repetition has rendered a seemingly-unnatural control all but innate. Can’t she at least assume that if Moll can master that acceptable state of allistic-flavoured emotional expression, they will?

Loveless. No, they don’t feel in any way categorisable as “love”. They’re not drawn to friends or partners in ways that suit, even non-romantically, the word’s sense of passion and vibrancy; it doesn’t fit their connection to people, labour or place. Their calling to service is too powerful and all-encompassing to be love. Such a general word, often used to describe feelings and actions contradictory to its given purpose, feels ill-suited.  

Why must it be a moral failing to use words other than “love” to describe their relationships and feelings? Why must complex emotions be reduced to a binary of hate and love? Why must people replace the pressure to love romantically with the pressure to at least avoid accusations of lovelessness?

“Lifeless” devalues their best attempt to oblige other people’s expectations.

“Loveless”, not synonymous with loathing or disregard, shouldn’t serve as any kind of criticism. James loves. Which of them, today, is the crueller?

Maybe Moll has constrained their feelings for too long to permit a broader, warmer range of emotion.

Maybe their need to match feelings and experiences to words’ exact specifications means they, unknowingly, feel something allistics name “love”.

Maybe the stories that explain and identify love hold little relevance in real life, and people not Moll better accept the chasm standing between idealism and reality.

Maybe the reasoning doesn’t matter: the Sojourner has never required that her followers love.

What if, though, they’re better suited to a trowel or chopping knife than the careful, subtle art of guiding their guests? What if Moll can’t help James because of the qualities they don’t experience or the relationships they don’t desire? What if lovelessness and lifelessness, even best regarded as neutral states of being, render them ill-suited to the work?

“You’re like a puppet—moving your wooden lips, saying the words. But you don’t know anything about … about really being human.” James folds her arms across her body before turning towards the arch, her chin held high. “There’s no point. Not with you.”

No, there isn’t. She needs a priest who won’t make her feel distanced by their inability to share her experiences. One who, in curiosity and kindness, can explore and sympathise with her pain-born feelings and judgements. One who doesn’t feel slapped across the face and punched in the gut by three words: lifeless and loveless.

They understand the process. Pluck out the least-acceptable aspects of aromanticism and autism, disguise them as general qualities society finds objectionable and wield them at the vulnerable—prejudice now concealed under the thinnest veneer of acceptable disregard. Awareness doesn’t ease their hurt.

Wooden. Puppet. Statue.

Inhuman.

She halts at the archway, gesturing in their direction. “See? You aren’t even saying anything now! You’re—”

“Pain!” The word spills from Moll’s lips with shocking vehemence. “You think love is what makes us human, if you must choose one quality? No, humans are pain, not love—the pain of having our worth denied, the pain of injury and loss, the pain of our cognisance of our mortality, the pain of fear, the pain of being overlooked or ignored, even the pain of having our pain denied! Who doesn’t endure against the hurt of being told in word or action that we aren’t worth kindness?”

James stares at Moll in an aghast, still silence.

“You think I can’t know you? If you think, in your pain and ignorance, that I haven’t had someone demonstrate that I’m undeserving of respect, you have done so just now! You sought to strip away my humanity, because you think cruelty will give you back the power torn from you. It won’t. It only makes you cruel. It only envenomates another.” They rise and walk towards the archway, fighting to keep their steps slow and hands loose by their sides. “Because you misunderstand your own humanity, you gave me what makes me as human as you—pain. Will you say it again, now, why I can’t guide you?”

Her lips part as though about to speak, but no sound emerges.

“I have consented to guide you to your rightful path. I haven’t consented to your disrespect.” Despite their efforts, Moll’s bare feet smack against the stone as they step past James into the fern-lined pathway. “Gennifer will assign you to another priest’s care. I won’t spend a moment longer with you.” Just for a moment, they adopt the snapping bark mastered with the Seventh: “Come!”

James moves as though afraid to make the slightest noise, hanging back a few steps behind with the nail of her pointer finger clasped between her teeth.

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not A Feel / Questions

- im thinking about maybe makin a blog where i help people with scripting and social advice and stuff. do you think thats a good idea?? ive gotten good at giving scripting advice and helping ppl write conversations to friends and business emails and stuff and i feel like a lot of auties struggle with that

Yeah that definitely sounds like a good idea! We need more resources like that.

- is it an autism thing to always walk on tip toes? i think i heard that somewhere once but im not sure (could i be darling🖤?)

Yes it is.

- If I was confirmed by a psychiatrist that I'm autistic but I don't have an official diagnosis am I prodx or selfdx

That’s a really awkward in-between, and I actually don’t know the answer. Grey areas like this are unfortunately common; you’ve had professional confirmation, but I don’t think it counts as a professional diagnosis. 

- Sorry, not a feel, but could it be an autistic thing to have trouble calling people by their name? Even if I know exactly what their name is and how to pronounce it, actually saying ir out loud, especially to them, always feels weird or overly intimate, and sometimes I don't trust my voice to sound normal when saying a person's first name.

That could be related to autism. I’ve seen a couple of other people mention similar experiences.

- I was in a crowded place and already feeling a little uncomfortable. There was a sudden really loud noise close to me and without any warning signs I immediately started shaking and crying. My family got me to safety, and I lost the ability to speak coherently for a few hours. I'm used to getting overloaded but the suddenness scared me a little as there were no signs prior that something was gonna happen. Was that some kind of meltdown/shutdown?

Sounds like it could have been an anxiety attack. As far as I’m aware meltdowns tend to have a bit of build-up, but everyone experiences these things differently. Either way it likely drained you of a lot of energy.

[smudgeypudge]

Sometimes I read those “if you aren’t ready to face any kind of challenge or heartbreak with your hypothetical child, then don’t reproduce” posts, and they just seem stupid and naive to me. Because the truth is, it doesn’t matter how many years you spent babysitting, or nannying, you just don’t actually know what it will feel like to have your own child until you have that child.

You may think you’re 100% ready to parent an autistic+quadrapelegic+schizophrenic+nonbinary child, and then your actual child is born as “normal” and conforming as can be, and you find out you’re in over your head nevertheless. Things just never work out in real life the way you think they will in your mind.

No matter how clever you are, you can’t imagine the endless years of sleeplessness, social pressure, and financial pressure plus the fact that whatever you’re struggling with now, you’ll probably still be struggling with a variation of that after you’ve become a parent. Tiredness, illnesses, depression, moods, yearnings, it will all still be there after you become the steward of your child’s life, so then you learn the juggling act of managimg your own weaknesses and needs, and often putting “you” on a back burner and suffering the consequences of that, while entrenched in this lifelong commitment to your child… and you don’t know commitment until you’ve become a parent. The lifetime of other relationships is negotiable, but with a child, that’s as real as it gets.

So the thing is, nobody goes from being a normal, everyday human to superhuman in the moment they become a parent. The idea of “the good parent” is burdensome and usually unfairly falls on women more than it falls on men, since expectations for mothers are higher than they are for fathers. The real measure is, what is a “good enough parent”– that is, the parent that’s able to keep their child alive and reasonably protected and educated enough to grow into adulthood, then integrate into some sector of society functionally enough to not harm themselves or others. Years ago, in gender studies class, we discussed the myth of “the good mother” and I never understood it fully until I became a parent. Now I understand. It’s another unattainable ideal, one that places overwhelming expectations on women to create yet another type of aesthetic and quality of experience for others, rather than taking into account the gritty realities of life and survival and the individual personhood of the “mother” herself.

And sometimes, parents will be confronted with the decision about whether to keep a disabled child or not. Sometimes, they will know it’s too much to handle, emotionally, physically, financially. Maybe the parents are too poor, or disabled themselves, or have other priorities. In the Western world, usually this means the pregnancy will be terminated. In countries like China, it means the child may be left in an orphanage. Some parents will think they can take on the challenge, and will do it with good intentions, but the fact is, PTSD rates are high among parents of special needs kids, especially among parents of medically complex kids. These are parents that made the decision to become parents of disabled kids but still, it’s a lot to handle, and the body and mind respond in their own ways.

My son’s time in the NICU actually irreversibly damaged my body, so becoming his mother meant injuries that prevent me from doing many activities I used to do, and ironically, make it more difficult for me to do some of the physical things his care requires. My body didn’t become made of steel as soon as I became a parent. The only thing that separates me, as a vulnerable young adult person, from me, as a parent, are years. As the years passed, I didn’t become less vulnerable to exhaustion, injury, illness, or mortality. I didn’t become more free of the power of authority over me (the IRS, CPS, city and state governments are just a few of the authorities parents have to answer to, about everything from what their children are wearing or eating, to the condition of their vehicles if they have them, to the length of their grass or the condition of the paint in their residence). I didn’t become freer or more invulnerable, I just became older, and more experienced. If anything, after becoming a parent, I was under more pressure than ever to conform to and obey rules and expectations, because I have more at stake. And that’s the plight of all parents trying to be “good.”

So no, you’re never ready to be a good parent. You never transform into Julie Andrews playing Mary Poppins or Maria from “The Sound of Music,” or any funny mom and dad pair on any favorite sitcom. Look at yourself, exactly as you are today, then don’t sleep for more than four hours per night for three days and spend all of your waking hours trying to take care of multiple other humans while budgeting your income to cover their needs, and extend the experiment by 20+ years, and that’s a snapshot of what you’ll be like as a parent. Mix in the constant nagging knowing that if you do something wrong they could die, or even if you do everything right they could die, and in the very best case scenario they’ll end up in therapy no matter what you do or don’t do, and that creates a much more realistic picture.

Parenting is tough, parenting when thrown a curveball is tougher, and nobody is really cut out for it. People who know me call me a “super mom” and “excellent mom” all the time, but I usually feel like I’m just scraping by in life. Nobody is ever ready to be a pleasantly perfect parent. You just do as much as you can and pray for the best.

[melon-kid]

some thoughts

So, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and it’s surprising to me that nobody ever seems to talk about it. And this is about the nature of argumentation itself, liberal vs conservative ‘ideologies’ in particular here.

I should first mention that the idea behind this reflection is to point out the fact that both sides are driven almost purely by emotion, not by data and hard facts like some people like to believe, and I’ll be talking about why exactly that is and why that’s so important to understand.

The key word in the discussion here is ‘empathy,’ because this is what the issue seems to boil down to - those who have more of it, versus those who have less of it. To break this down, let’s identify some big talking points on both sides.

On the left wing, protection and support for minorities is one of their big issues. On the right wing, we have major concerns about white people being thrown under the bus just because they’re white. Now on either side, their opponent would look totally blind to them and ignorant to the truth, but. . . how can that be? ‘The facts are right here!’ you say. ‘Why are you ignoring these obvious truths?’ So, let’s talk about empathy.

Why are minorities such a hot button issue on the left wing? In a majority of cases, people who support these issues either grew up facing heavy discrimination due to being a minority, intimately knew people who faced discrimination, or simply have the empathy to comprehend these issues.

But hold on! What does that have to do with people on the right wing? They can totally have empathy! And that’s true, that isn’t what’s being argued - however, their level of empathy typically does not extend as far as they think it does.

You see, the left and right wings both hold a sense of injustice when approaching these concerns, but what injustice looks like is completely different to either them. It’s not that a majority of conservative people are incapable of understanding the minority discrimination issue, they simply don’t care, they don’t see it as an issue because they don’t think it affects them and by extension, they don’t think it affects other people.

No matter how logical or sound you make your arguments, you will have a very hard time swaying your opposition - it’s not because they’re stupid, it’s because their arguments have a basis in emotion, not logic. That’s why people are stuck in an infinite loop of confirmation bias, looking only at the data that supports them and willfully dismissing everything else, because they just don’t care about that data.

Let’s take a step back and say you are someone who has little attachment to this heated political climate - someone with virtually no empathy. What’s stopping you from being objective and looking at both sides equally? Nothing! You don’t have emotional involvement in either side. But emotion is extremely blinding and that’s not something that people can easily see within themselves - people will only see what they want to see.

That’s why it is so difficult to sway someone with logic or evidence, because what you ACTUALLY have to do is appeal to their emotion. But because the foundation of their beliefs are so far removed from each other, these people will never see eye to eye - they are empathetic about different things and they see injustice in different things.

Take for example, a hypothetical situation in which you can either make a change that will benefit the livelihood of one population, or a change that will benefit merely the convenience of a separate population. Normally you’d choose the former, right? Now, let’s say we assume that ‘hypothetical situation’ in this scenario refers to the promotion of political correctness: Suddenly, opinions change.

Then, let’s put it this way - in light of this new development, the only reason why you would take the latter side is if you believed that the former has no credence to it. The only reason why you would take the latter side is if you don’t believe that supporting it would actually benefit the livelihood of people, therefore leaving you with the other choice to benefit your convenience.

When you look at the side of conservatives, they absolutely despise political correctness. Because they refuse to see things from the perspective of their opposition, it becomes easy to dismiss them as being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘offended about nothing.’

Another common argument is when people say ‘I’m a woman and I don’t think we need extra help! That’s belittling to all of us!’ or ‘I’m a black man and I don’t think discrimination is really a minority-only issue in the United States!’ The fact that you are a woman or a black man is not an argument, because there are an incredible number of other women and other black men who are just waiting to tell you that you’re wrong.

Much of the basis for these arguments comes from personal anecdotes and exceptions, and they tend to think, ‘so this should apply to everyone!’ But again, these are exceptions, they don’t speak for an average, why would you cite personal experience as evidence for that? But because these anecdotes exist, BECAUSE these exceptions exist, people feel more justified in following others who share these ideologies because in their mind, this is confirmation.

Again, it’s not about the logic, it’s about perspective and your emotional standing - often people think that racism exists on a two way street because they either were not discriminated against (or at least nowhere near the level of others) so they cannot comprehend where the opposition is coming from, or because they failed to identify it as discrimination. Obviously a person who has experienced racism and said that people have been racist to them would not tell you that racism doesn’t exist  because of how clearly contradictory that statement is.

It is not that white people cannot ever face discrimination because of their skin color, people are extremely quick to make strawmen out of arguments by twisting their meaning to become literal or to encompass the entire demographic. They don’t understand that when people say ‘privilege’ they are not saying that they can’t experience those problems, they are saying that it has a foundation not only in history but in social and cultural norms that are extremely prevalent even today. They usually they fail to address or accept the underlying reasons behind such discrimination, they fail to see the disproportionate level of oppression that people are facing.

That’s why they can say that they have faced discrimination for being white, and that’s their reasoning for why people can be racist against them - but to say that white people are oppressed in America is an argument that they simply cannot make. The failure to see the difference between discrimination and systematic oppression/racism is what is provoking so much ire here.

So, let’s talk about white people in America. They don’t face many of the issues that minorities face so even if they can see and understand these problems, because it doesn’t affect them, oftentimes they fail to properly empathize. That’s why they think liberals are making such a big deal about issues that are supposed to be relevant to everybody, not just minorities; that’s why they think it’s okay to say racist things or express racist viewpoints without actually thinking of themselves as racist - their definition of racism has literally changed to suit their convenience because they have not been facing the same struggles as other minorities.

Racism does not always mean calling somebody a slur on the street, sometimes it means pushing an agenda that will drive these people into corners. Why would a person who has experienced and identified these issues try to refute its existence? If it is not because of their upbringing, it’s because there is a lack of empathy here - they are more concerned about how it affects them personally, and by extension, the people close to them rather than society as a whole.

While the relation to empathy and a person’s political stance will not always be consistent (e.g. a lower empathy liberal / a higher empathy conservative), there is an observable trend among both sides that reflects their emotional foundation.

A person with a decent amount of empathy does not tell people suffering from oppression ‘Get over it, life is hard.’ A person with a decent amount of empathy does not make fun of mentally ill people and call them or others ‘retarded’ or ‘autistic’ because they think it’s funny or holds some kind of ground in their argument against somebody. They can say it because they just don’t care about how it affects them. They aren’t willing to comprehend the issues those people face, so to them, those issues barely even exist.

In the same vein, that’s where a lot of conservatives get off feeling so ‘logical’ and ‘civil.’ You are not more logical, your emotional investment in your belief is shallow enough that it doesn’t get the better of you. But, it’s all you have to root yourself in so that’s where you pour all of your emotions into anyway.

Why are they being so angry about political correctness? About the plight of the white man while being so quick to dismiss the hardships of minorities? Well, all of that emotion has to go somewhere.

On the flip side, in what world is that comparable to the incarceration after incarceration and the murder after murder of people who are less advantaged than them because of a social norm that they are not only enabling, but encouraging?

Empathy. Their emotional investment lies somewhere else, they don’t care about these problems. Sure, they can make the ‘black friend’ argument all they like, but that is caring about a person individually, not caring about social and political issues that deeply affect them and people like them. Their empathy doesn’t reach that far.

It’s easy for conservatives to paint liberals as violent and overly emotional while painting themselves as civil when the issues that affect them inflict much greater wounds than any amount of ‘political correctness’ that might annoy some conservative. Their emotional investment in their cause, their EMPATHY is being invoked by a long and deadly history of injustice.

It isn’t that white people should always kneel down and give up the things that they have to minorities like some people like to believe. They are asking for respect, to understand the issues they are facing, to support them because they have been disadvantaged by the system that is in place, they are asking them to have the EMPATHY to help them as human beings and relieve them from this system of oppression.

. . . Or at least, that’s the idea - the problem with this is that this kind of tunnel-vision way of thinking goes both ways. Many far end liberals will refuse to respect white people, refuse to respect straight people, refuse to respect cis people - they often think, ‘why should I respect somebody that can’t see this cycle of suffering that we’re facing?’ It’s a terrible trend and a terrible justification to spread hate toward people - the generalizations that they love to make not only don’t apply to a great number of these people, but a lot of these people are trying to support their movement and yet suffer insult after insult in doing so.

There are other ways to vent your anger, you are literally not helping anybody by doing this: You are chasing away potential supporters and creating new enemies because you refuse to step down from your moral high-horse and you refuse to think objectively.

Conservatives are not wrong when they say that liberals tell them ‘white people should sit down and shut up’ or ‘white people can’t do this’ or ‘white people don’t experience this that and the other thing.’ So, many of these white conservatives are prone to think, ‘why should I respect somebody that doesn’t respect me?’ A good number of people who are minorities will feel inclined to agree, ESPECIALLY when liberals act in such an elitist and militant manner.

The thing about having less empathy is that you have more room to be open to other experiences and adopt new perspectives because your emotional involvement isn’t so deeply rooted in one place, you have more room to objectively look into both sides of an argument. As a result, there are conservatives (often youths) who actually wind up as liberals over time - you almost never hear about this happening the other way around, why?

Empathy. Because of their naturally higher level of empathy (on only one side of the argument, mind you), the first root that they take hold with and invest in effectively becomes an immovable object. It becomes virtually impossible to convince them of anything they don’t already believe in; whatever method you try to use, their emotional grounding in their belief is so ingrained that anything going against them feels like a personal attack and an attack against the good of society, all matter of opposing logic be damned. Herein lies the danger of prioritizing empathy over reason.

When you are in this position, you legitimately start to believe that your viewpoints should be the basis of all moral standards. It becomes ‘obvious’ to you which things are right and which things are wrong - essentially, you totally lose the ability to see things from more than one perspective (aka critical thinking) and it instills a dangerous level of confidence in everything you think and say because everything you think and say is absolute in your mind.

No, you aren’t somehow enlightened with the ultimate moral code that should be followed by everyone. You are a confirmation-bias nightmare.

To further explore this dilemma, liberals also love to fear monger and spread lies to make conservatives look bad because they are so strongly emotionally driven. Because of this, they often elect to abandon logic and good faith - many of them start to push the narrative that minorities can do no wrong and severely silence and admonish any kind of opposition (even the slightest bit of speculation can get you burned at the stake), and other such far end liberals feel the intense hatred that they do because they feel like they are perpetually surrounded by their oppressors.

Conservatives don’t feel the need to witch hunt and fear monger to that level because they usually don’t have the empathetic capacity for it in this context - their concerns do not run deep enough for them to go to those kinds of lengths. They rarely ever feel the same kind of intense hatred, because for them, the problem at hand is fundamentally different. But here’s one very prevalent emotion that most of them seem to express: ‘Annoyance.’

Because so many of them think that ‘annoyance toward political correctness’ or ‘annoyance toward generalizations of white/straight/cis people’ is in some regard a valid comparison against ‘hatred due to systematic oppression,’ it’s easy to see that outrage is being begged for here. In an example like this, the divide in empathy becomes incredibly clear. . .

. . . although it happens to be a gross reduction of the argument at hand, pitting a core issue from one side against what is basically a complaint from the other side - however, I do find it relevant because of how persistent the idea seems to be. It’s an easy target to exploit after all, if you want to minimize your argument to obscene levels to try and strengthen your own. It’s a poor practice, but when people make such a big deal of it, it’s hard not to use it as fodder.

To reiterate, left vs right is hardly a conflict of ideologies and logic.

Left vs right is a conflict of empathy.

-

[Off-Topic Extension]

If it wasn’t clear earlier, I would like to make a distinction between ‘little to no empathy’ vs ‘some empathy/a ton of empathy.’ A lot of conservatives don’t acknowledge that they are emotionally charged and thusly take the ‘logical’ stance on things, when in reality that tends to be quite far from the truth.

I am a person with very, very little empathy overall, so I have no real emotional attachment to either side of the argument (but I still do support one over the other), and as a result, I can freely explore both of those sides with a far more objective lens without being too offended or too annoyed to see past my bias.

As such, I find it telling that with the objective of seeking a better society for people, that I would lean more toward being liberal. Of course, part of being objective means taking a statement like that with a grain of salt - it’s likely that there are people in a similar boat who have found themselves right leaning instead. In a case like that, it would be both interesting and helpful to see what viewpoints might be presented in order to make more informed decisions.

[g5b3ysjw-blog]

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[anautisticdragon-blog]

Empath vs. Sociopath; Laci Green & the Alt-Right

I think this is what a lot of ideologies and groups come down to, isn't it? At least, at the end of the day. The way I see it is that if a person is able to see every other human as a human being without dehumanising them, then they're not going to jubilantly revel in hierarchical superiority or eroding the rights of others, are they? That's just the way I see it. As an empath, I consider myself an ally of every mind that's ever suffered, that's just the way I am. So no matter who you are, if you're a person who's suffered, then I'd hope to be someone you can trust and call friend. It's pretty obvious by now what I've had to endure, I think, right? I'm a big softie, I care about people, I don't want anyone to endure what I have, nor do I want them to experience the sheer lack of concern I had to endure following the most horrific events of my life. I think, as an empath, there are a lot of invisible prejudices that we overlook, too. Redheads can have it pretty rough, with their characters always being replaced with what the mainstream would find 'more attractive.' DC has been especially egregious with this, replacing famous redheads Wally West and Jimmy Olsen. I was happy to see more ethnicity representation, I always am, but why not replace blond men instead? Why couldn't we have had a black Barry Allen in the New 52? I personally feel that would've been more empowering, instead it just feels like a political play to quietly remove redheads from their media. Disappointing. Another invisible prejudice are those who identify differently. I will say that this might be because of trauma and life experiences. I spent most of my youth raised by dogs (I wish I was joking about this). Not in the literal sense, of course, as I know people will go there. No, I was just left alone a lot and the only company I had were dogs. I imprinted on them. I don't exactly identify as human, now, thanks to those experiences. I can't really do anything about that, nor do I want to, as it's now as important a part of my identity as anything else. Should I be ridiculed for that? Those on the alt-right end of the spectrum would definitely say yes, i should. I feel they'd then go as far as to suggest either ECT or ICT as a 'cure.' Why do I say this? I've had those interactions. Of course I have. It's not really difficult, is it? All you have to do is ask the people at Debate Alt-Right their opinions on this topic and you'll see what I mean. Such ugliness. And that's what this comes down to. The extreme left to the alt-right is simply a spectrum, right? It starts with high empathy at the extreme-left, these individuals have an almost superhuman level of empathy and concern. As we progress to the right, we see a continual drop in empathy, as empathy is not a constant. I've mentioned before that the "Us vs. Them!" dogma of the in-group vs. the out-group allows a person to turn off their empathy for the out-group, dehumanising them. Don't deny this, you'd be a Holocaust denier. There's plenty of evidence to emphatically support this position. As someone who's studied humanity, I'd say that every atrocity in human history has been a sociopath-lead affair that's preyed on the exceedingly human ability to turn off one's empathy for the out-group. If you look at our history, at every atrocity, you'll see this pattern repeated time and time again. Those who have this very group-focused, ideology-obsessed mindset tend to be the easiest to manipulate into disabling their empathy. All the manipulator has to do is promise better benefits to the in-group in order to get them on board with just about any kind of awful, horrific thing. Sure, some people might resist this, and that resistance would push them more toward a left-leaning mindset as they become more and more self aware. Others will dutifully accept their brainwashing and eagerly gravitate more toward the right. As one progresses right and they're coaxed into considering their own benefits, privilege, and power over others (and the potential loss of these things), we'll see an almost mutual level of decrease in self awareness. I think that this is what's happening with Laci Green at the moment, she's being coaxed, brainwashed into considering her own charmed lifestyle and how she might lose it by fighting the monsters of the alt-right. Their efforts to brainwash her using this fear have lowered her overall level of self awareness. It's a fairly common sociopathic tactic, the only way to combat it is to bolster one's own self awareness and keep remind oneself that every human being is, in fact, a human being. Even if that human being isn't of our own group. Let's look at an obvious example of this. I have a huge amount of respect for Stephen Fry, he's a beautiful man who's suffered more than one should have to. He's clever, but he's not always the most self aware person. At one point, he made a very trans insensitive joke. Instead of apologising, he was coaxed into doubling down by the right, this allowed the brainwashing to seep in, which reduced his self awareness further. You don't need to take my word for this. In fact, I invite you to research it for yourself. This isn't a conspiracy theory. It's plain to see based upon how he reacted afterwards, who he was talking to, and what was being said. The sad part is is that this kind of behaviour can be found everywhere, the insidious sociopathic influence is why tactics like false flag operations exist in the first place. And it's the box of tricks used by alt-right 'Tubers (potato!) to 'convince' people they're right. I really want you to see this for what it is... I know you might want to rail against this -- because you feel like you might've been played or manipulated, and the human mind absolutely hates that -- but I'm asking you to at least just consider the possibility. Set aside the cognitive dissonance and introspectively interrogate yourself to see if your findings align with any of this. Another example is David Gaider. I wouldn't call him a transphobe but merely another gay person who's trans insensitive. He's made some rather tasteless, tacit, and tactless jokes about trans people along the way. How did he react when called on it? At first, he was unsure, though it evolved into him doubling down. Why? What reason could he have for not apologising and showing empathy? The human mind doesn't like to admit it was wrong. It allows more alt-right ideologies to seep into the mind of someone who might otherwise lean toward a more moderate -- even left -- perspective. If someone is looking for evidence that their jokes weren't insensitive, groups like the alt-right are more than happy to provide, convincing the insensitive person that they were entirely justified in their ire, that trans people are simply trying to erode their rights and identity as a gay person. This is what the extreme right works, this is their box of tricks. On a similar note? I've seen the alt-right influence in trans groups, too. They twist them to attack otherkin and those with unusual identities and identity politics, using the poisonous, Machiavellian rhetoric that if trans people don't lash out against these people, if they don't go on the attack, they'll be lumped in with them and the power that trans people have fought to secure will be reduced and diluted. This is how they drive us apart, this is the leverage they have. It's very powerful. Are you a gay person? Do you have strangely negative perceptions and feelings of and about the trans community? Do you feel they're eroding your identity and rights as a gay person? Well, you've been manipulated. I believe the common term for this is 'cucked,' right? That. You've been cucked by the alt-right. Are you a trans person? Do you have strangely negative perceptions and feelings of and about the otherkin community? Do you feel they're eroding your identity and rights as a trans person? Well, you've been manipulated too. Cucked by the alt-right, a pawn used to further their ends. I'm sorry. If I don't bring light to this, it won't ever be seen. Here's a fun question: Why haven't the alt-right achieved political domination? It seems like they should if they're this good at manipulating, right? The answer to that one is simpler than you might think. If you keep in mind that empathy is a spectrum, the empathy of certain individuals is so pronounced that it cannot be subverted into something twisted, it's almost impossible to brainwash such a person to hate the out-group. They have an innate inclination to see every human being as a human being, so manipulative politics designed to have them think in an "Us vs. Them!" way will be rejected. It's just the way their mind works. You can see this in autistic people where their empathy is dialled up to 11, they have so much care and concern for others that it can be quite the overload and difficult to deal with. The upside of this is that they'll see right through attempts to manipulate them, as they aren't so inclined toward group thinking. A person with extreme empathy will always extend 'human' out to everyone, even those they disagree with. As a funny example? The alt-right wishes to 'cure' autism as it makes them less, they're 'inhuman' people. Funny, that. Whereas those with extreme empathy will rail against this idea as the 'cures' for autism sound just as destructive as the 'cures' the extreme right have suggested for gay people over the years. It's just that the target has shifted from gay people to autistic people. "Oh, we can't cure the gays," the extreme right grumbles, "then we'll cure the retards." A part of this manipulation tactic is to make autistic people feel as uncomfortable with themselves as possible, which is an entertainingly obvious tactic. They'll employ turns of phrase like 'autistically screeching,' and liberally use words like 'retard' to try to erode the identity of autistic people. Thing is? They've met their match so it's not working nearly as well as they'd like, or even at all. This makes them extremely angry, when they're angry, they slip up. This is what the alt-right does. They undermine your identity to try and bring you over to their side. This is how they got Laci Green. They continually worked to undermine her identity, which was a very effective brainwashing technique. Eventually she broke, as people do, and began aligning with them out of her own cognitive dissonance. It's an incredibly powerful tool that they use quite often, awareness of this will serve to de-fang it. I think it's the job of every empath to raise awareness to the manipulative techniques used by alt-right sociopaths. If ever you see a person or group trying to undermine your identity, you need to interrogate yourself to find out why. And whether responding to this will actually result in a stronger or weaker position for yourself. After all, did obeying the alt-right work out so well for Fry or Gaider? I don't think it did. It hurt them, badly. If they'd just apologised, it would have strengthened their identity, it would have cemented the plight of gay people and earned them more allies amongst the trans community. It's an old tactic: Divide and conquer, by driving us apart, the alt-right wins. If they can segregate us into groups who're so focused on in-fighting that we've forgotten that all of these people are still human beings? That's how these sociopaths win. And the thing is? A lot of people on the right and alt-right are human beings, too. The unfortunate part is that they've been brainwashed, their own cognitive dissonance has been used against them to manipulate them. Their fear of being powerless, of losing their privilege, of their identity being eroded, or even just something as simple as not wanting to own up to their mistakes. This is the foundation of the alt-right ideology. "You are superior, so your wrongness doesn't matter. Enjoy privilege!" It bloody works, too. Have some awareness, then. I'd like to reach out to ask gay people to not allow themselves to be manipulated into hating trans people. If you happen to say anything that's a little insensitive, just own it and apologise, you'll be stronger for having done so. I'd lke to reach out to ask trans people the same, don't be manipulated into hating otherkin. Okay? Same to every group. We are all human beings. Let's remember to care about one another as though we're human beings, yeah? And we could even stand to care about the alt-right a little more, because most of them are just as innocent as you or I. They've been played by masterful manipulators who know exactly how to get what they want from people. I'd like to see a new movement, where instead of attacking we raise awareness of these tactics, these manipulations, and strengthen our bonds. If you're a person who's suffered, who's experienced prejudice, I stand with you. What's that, you're white? Why's that matter? You might be gay, disabled, or even a redhead. You've experienced the same shit any of us have. Oh, you're straight? Well, you may have experienced racial hatred, you may be disabled, et cetera. See what I'm getting at, here? It's the prejudice that matters, that unites us. We're united against the bigotry of a small number of very talented sociopaths I believe the alt-right movement would just fall apart if we de-fanged them by making people aware of their manipulation tactics. Have you been played? Okay, so has everyone at some point in their life. You have a choice, now: You can either double down and continue to be a witless patsy, or you can own it and become a stronger person who's less vulnerable to these rancid forms of manipulation. At the end of the day, there's only one, true choice that matters. Why does this matter? Because it's an abstraction, we're talking about ideals here rather than any particular individuals or groups. We must choose between the iconic systems of empathy and sociopathy. The former wishes for true equality, for everyone, even at the expense of their own privilege; The latter desires ever greater privilege and benefit at the expense of all others. Which describes your thinking? You shouldn’t treat this as an absolute, either. As I said, it's a spectrum. You don't need to be this perfect being, you can make mistakes, I do. I feel I'm an extremely flawed individual, I still have a ways to go. Still, you need to think about what drives your motivations, as I do. It's like the political spectrum, yeah? From far left to far right, but it's more poignant and meaningful, I think. Which do you find you lean more towards? Perhaps you sit right in the middle and you don't care either way? I just believe it's important to think about.

There’s no reasoning with sociopathy, after all. All you can do is try to spare people from its cancerous influence. As an empath, I say it’s important to have a conscience, I say that caring is more relevant today than ever before! What do you say? Why? Ask yourself. Care and be cared for? Use and be used? Just different modes of human function, but you know which I prefer. That’s starkly obvious by now. It's your choice to make. Just be aware that you actually have that choice.