#i didnt expect it to make me feel bad but i feel bad

[weirdmageddon]

why i think aradia and john work so well

(with some stuff i’ve been wanting to yap about for ages)

have you guys ever given arajohn / johnradia (idk if its popular enough to even have a standardized ship name) any thought …? i know it seems kind of out of left field. i’ve considered it and i think its. really really good. i have a bunch of thoughts to unpack. come join me. and maybe grab a snack or something because i didn’t realize how much i'd actually have to say about this

(fantastic art by skeletood)

the other day i made a tweet that did rather well where i said, “john and aradia shouldve talked more. its so simple but i like how she actually earnestly answers his questions. so many characters in this comic are so mean to john for just wanting to know more give him a break”

putting it out there now im not big about shipping for the sake of shipping. there needs to be real chemistry. i need to sense that as a reason why two characters would potentially be a good influence on each other. i never knew why i was always so obstinate about this because it’s fictional and not materially hurting anyone, but i think it might be because i’m not sure how to justify it or explain it if not.

i strongly believe john and aradia would have had it made out for them if circumstances allowed it. (what i mean by “ship” or “johnradia” extends to any kind of interpersonal dynamic, even if just a good friendship. it doesnt even have to be romantic, just some sort of dynamic with them.)

unfortunately aradia originally committed herself to staying out of trolling the kids over their timelines, so john and aradia never talked until year 3 on the ship in the dream bubbles but they never had a truly proper one-on-one without outside meddling. i think if john knew aradia better and her story beforehand, she had more time to explain herself and her history, he wouldnt have been unsettled. and also of course if his experience with the trolls didn’t suck so bad because he already had expectations for how antagonizing most of them were.

i found people’s sentiments about johnradia elsewhere too. i remembered that they were both on the song art for ascend, and searched ao3 to see how many fics have been written to gauge how substaintial it’s been in the homestuck fandom. only 17 of them turned up. but the people who do talk about it are either curious about it or really do like it, and that interested me.

clearly it’s pretty niche character relationship to be depicted in any fanwork and i can understand why. despite being so small, from what ive seen it seems universally agreed upon to be nice. i haven’t seen a single person object to it. what ive seen falls into two categories: “wow i didnt think about this before but i actually dig it” or “(starving) finally some good fucking food”

the pattern im seeing is that people think it’s “random”, but i disagree. there is something there substantiating it even if they’re unable to articulate it.

the fanfic these comments are from is chronology of wind. that fic is really, really good, and sadly unfinished. i have more abstract reasons to believe why aradia and john would be good in theory, so actually seeing someone else actually make something with them helped me read it in action, to get a more tangible feel of the dynamic beyond what we have in canon.

i wouldn’t normally make claims about a relationship with regard to homestuck canon by looking at their relationship in a fanfic, because i think you all know by now i am very nitpicky about accurate characterization, and it does not go unnoticed by me when people get it right because for some reason it feels like a one in a million thing (even though it really shouldn’t be?). so this was a special case. the tone was completely consistent with canon. this fic is so in-character i’d basically consider it an extension of canon. to me it’s like they took the same characters and plopped them into this scenario to see how they’d interact. guys… i love that stuff so much. i love fanfiction or fanworks that depict realistic extensions of canon and stays true to the energy and tone of the source, but deepens it. there isn’t enough of it imo. i want to see more of it.

anyway, what i read of their conversations in that fic basically aligned with what i was thinking in my head about what i’d expect it to be like. i was able to compare how aradia and john talked to how aradia and the other characters interacted, their comparative attitudes towards each other—how they’re treated by others compared to how they treat each other.

have you noticed john and aradia’s communication values are both based on sincerity, being in the proper know, treating people fairly, and thanklessly taking on the necessary work that “must be done” in order to have what they really want — a good time that feels meaningful? and they accomplish this without any adjustment in how they talk to each other.

john is always subtly (or not-so-subtly) asking the people around him to answer him soberly and to the point so he knows whats going on and what that means for what his options are. he needs to know to what end he will be applying his absurd energetic drive into making shit happen. aradia honors his time before john can even become uncomfortable with the amount of time being eaten up by conversation. contrast this with rose, who seems to go on for a while with prose-like conversational adornments. in dire situations that need rapid explanation and definitive answers so he knows what to do, this is really the last thing he needs. aradia doesnt waste john’s time. she answers all his questions, and does it politely to boot. his time talking to her doesn't feel wasted.

john's impatience with this sort of nonsense is also why i can’t see something like dirkjohn working out, for example. to me it feels like @entropicbias also deeply understands this on some level because i literally couldn’t have demonstrated what i mean by it any better myself than that. i'm gonna have to to hit him up about how much i genuinely respect that like tbh hes one of the few i absolutely trust to handle writing and depicting these characters in situations and their interpersonal dynamics. and also care about doing their characterization justice as much as me.

of course people are still entitled to like whatever they like, ship whatever they want to. i dont care. but i just don’t think it would work from the perspective of the minds of the canon characters, how they generally think and approach situations. and i can already tell people might ask me how do i know this? what makes me an expert? i’m not more than anyone else is (although i have been called a "characterization expert" from my friends), but i do know that i can pick up on the energetic chemistry between people, including characters, honestly precognitively, without even thinking? like if it’s stiff or tense or awkward, if people aren’t free to express themselves uninhibitedly, if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. i can sense this almost instantly. it’s something that’s a visceral feeling in my body i cant express and i have to rationalize it after the fact. like i’m doing now in fact writing this big analysis.

> listen to me talk about my special interest boy

for the next section to make sense, you probably want to read this post. i initially started writing it within this post to explain but there was so much brewing i had to explain the context that it turned into something i wanted to post on its own terms.

> okaaaaaayyyyy i read all that

thank you, really. my main point is using the conceptual tools provided by this system to expIain why aradia and john feel nice together and why i’ve seen people positively perceive the idea of a relationship between them even if it seems “random”.

framing them in this system, it wouldn’t be random! there’s a good reason they seem to fit nicely. this is because john and aradia have complementary forms of information metabolism. information metabolism is talked about in this section.

Jung’s psychic types are the types of cognition, or intelligence. But it would probably be easiest to call them types of IM [information metabolism], since the main difference between the types of people lies in their exchange of information with the external world.

Aushra Augusta, Commentary on Jung’s Typology and Introduction to Information Metabolism

aradia megido’s type of information metabolism (otherwise known as a TIM) is LII. john egbert’s TIM is ESE.

aradia and john’s types are duals. you can read more about what that entails here. in theory, their interactions would reflect the duality dynamic. reading chronology of wind, that one really in-character fic that explored their dynamic made me excited because they do!

michael pierce gave an overview of his impression of the characteristics of this intertype dynamic. despite only rough knowledge in socionics while he wrote this, his understanding of duality was spot on to me from my experience and others and i wanted to share it here. (fittingly, i believe he is also LII.)

Now we have the famous duality relationship: in a nutshell, this role is characterized by two traits: 1) a very close psychological distance or intimacy, and 2) a great ease of interacting with each other. It is sometimes described how meeting one's dual can be the event of a lifetime, because it inspires aspects in each party's character that they had never expressed before: the pair may even drop out of society for a time in order to focus on just each other, and to explore themselves through interaction with each other. The curious thing in this relationship is that these parties are rather different in outlook, and when they are not actually interacting as potential friends it's probably more likely for them to dislike or mistrust each other because of how different they are. […] However, when they are able to interact normally, it is a strange and wonderful discovery to realize that the interaction is unexpectedly smooth and invigorating. It's hard for people to describe, but as I understand it: while both parties recognize their differences on the surface, these differences are created by a root structure that coincides perfectly with each other, so that the differences on the surface are entirely complementary and cause no friction at all.

it’s also meaningful to consider that the structure of my own psyche is LII as well. so i’ve got a bit of a bias towards aradia and john.. not in the sense that what i actually say about them is personally biased, but that the bias is moreso my personal attention to people and characters of these two types in particular to see how my own experiences are reflected in them. i really do feel of a reflection of my own thought and work process in aradia and in the more abstract sense she is like an extension of myself. when people say they like aradia as a character i get secondhand joy from that because shares certain specific traits with me. of course i am still my own person though.

these are some of the most apt profiles i've found for these types at a glance. again, think about these characters as you read these descriptions. [from here (ESE / LII)]

ESE (Ethical-sensory extrovert) - john

The trademark quality of this type is a focus on socializing and guiding social situations and interactions so that the people involved can have fun and enjoy themselves. ESEs are typically in the middle of what is happening socially and know about the latest events and what people think and feel about them. They are skilled at bringing people together in fun and interesting ways and making everyone feel actively involved. Their friends know them as people who love life and feel most at home in social situations surrounded by other fun people. In their pursuit of fun-oriented and stimulating social interactions, ESEs typically neglect to structure their own thought processes and views in a way that would help them know exactly what they think and why. They are receptive to others’ attempts to help them introduce more structure and logical consistency in their life and thinking processes. They gravitate most to people who open up to fun and emotional interaction easily, yet are also skilled at systematizing thoughts and views and explaining ideological matters.

LII (Logical-intuitive introvert) - aradia

The trademark quality of this type is a focus on logical, structured thought and generating true assertions and views. LIIs are typically strict thinkers who are concerned that everything fits together in a logical way. They are skilled at understanding, generating, and criticizing logical arguments and instilling their views in the people around them. Their friends know them as people with well-organized thoughts and opinions who know what they think and can elucidate their ideas to others. In their pursuit of logical understanding, LIIs typically neglect their external social interactions and activities that would help them lighten up and experience a connection with other people. They are receptive to others’ attempts to create these fun and lighthearted situations for them. They gravitate most to people who are interested in their opinions and understanding of things, but are also skilled at organizing social interactions and creating a sense of emotional unity.

ive recently consciously experienced the feeling of duality for the first time since i've been communicating with my mom's high school classmate, and it is definitely a real thing. i even remember mom pointing out she noticed when we were all talking on the phone over a year ago that i perked up whenever he said stuff. here is how i explained it:

its bonkers how only once i experience something for myself i’m able to explain in detail what makes it so great based on what my impressions about it were because i tend to have a peculiar way of describing the qualities of an experience. my specialty is deep precision in my analogies for what it’s like. so now i can tell you how conversations with your dual feel… heres the status report. it’s weightless. its so strange. like the topic conversation stretches into infinity that you can pick right back up at any time. it’s hazy and unfocused but still pleasant (unless you’re particularly self-conscious and need to unlearn hiding your true self). but the best parts of it come when you have a specific issue or insecurity that comes with being your most natural self that the world seems to misunderstand about you, or just not give you what you don't even know you’ve been looking for. i think you might mutually intimidate each other at first because you're lowkey both expecting to be made fun of for your inadequacy with certain types of information that the other is nuanced with (and you’re not), but it never comes. you don't feel like what your dual wants in life is wrong. your dual seems so talented in all the ways you hope to shine but you’re always unsure of. for the introvert (me) wishing they felt their own active presence as an object (Se, Ne, Te, Fe) like the extravert does. for the extravert, wishing they felt their own relationships with other objects (Si, Ni, Ti, Fi) like the introvert does. any other intertype relationship (ITR) vs. duality is like the difference between 99% and 100% totality of a solar eclipse, except it’s the level of understanding with another person, like the eclipsing of your own information metabolism with theirs. of course there are other things that influence how well your relationship with this person goes, but i am talking strictly about when it comes to basic communication, the level of understanding you share. sometimes it might feel like you dont have much to talk about or the topic is unfocused, because you two ARE opposites in many ways after all, especially at a glance (domain of interests usually come with specific macroelements. theories about thought structures—like socionics, for instance—are in the domain of intuition, while physical interests and experiences are in the domain of sensorics.) i’m LII in the NT club (researchers) and my dual ESE in the SF club (social-communicative). so they’re constantly providing you with information from their own niche in life that you may be entirely unfamiliar with, but for some reason still interests and relaxes you to hear. you might not feel like you have a lot to say about the topic since but you are fully amazed by this person’s activity. it also makes you feel more sure of yourself and more confident that people truly appreciate and need your natural abilities.

> let’s break it down

here’s some lightly modified descriptions of the information blocks in LII and ESE's information metabolism models from pyatnitsky so you can get an overarching impression of how their type contributes to the informational sphere. i added some of my own adjustments and borrowed some sentences from stratiyevskaya's descriptions. additionally, you can click on the name of the block for an explanation of the role it plays.

i put about a week’s work into these collages but my goal with them was to actually show where i think these information blocks are most pertinent in these characters specifically and where they apply so it’s not just some abstract thing, just as supplementary examples as needed. (for the meaning of these information elements individually you can refer to cysia’s document.)

LII (Logical-intuitive introvert)

EGO (-Ti? -> -Ne!). Analytical thinking. They are well aware of the interrelationships of some objects or phenomena with others, and what laws are in effect or not in effect. On the basis of a comprehensive analysis, they put forward insights about the global essence of specific objects and phenomena, their possibilities. They acutely charge the situation with potential energy. For every situation, there is an archetype.

Super-EGO (-Fi? -> -Se!). Normative ideas about relationships between people and ways to get out of unpleasant ethical situations. Understands ethics as founded on the principles of fairness; to do to one side of the equation that you do to the other. Volitional manifestations in order to protect their living space are carried out only on the basis of personal experience. Because of the limited opportunities to fight back, they react painfully to attempts of any interference in his life. Does not respond to any arbitrary crudeness or volitional pressuring. Does not compromise goals, stubbornly clings to them. Avoids direct confrontation if possible, would rather talk civilly and earnestly. Uses their naturally strong sense of the conditioning of objects over time to avoid collisions with their material interests. Due to this, they may appear as someone with very little weaknesses.

Super-ID (+Fe -> +Si?) Attracts information about a good mood, a specific positive state, or a feeling. They would like to think that they can eliminate serious inconveniences, make the environment around them more comfortable. This skill needs to be evaluated. They are unconsciously activated when there is a need to make the environment more comfortable, which should lead to a better state, raise the mood at least in the immediate environment. In friendly, comfortable, and informal company, their cool exterior thaws and they start lighting up with joviality.

ID (+Te! → +Ni?). Has developed guidelines and methods that relate to specific practical activities, technological effectiveness, and resource use. Spontaneously feels the correct allocation of resources over time, which allows them to effectively solve tasks at an unhurried pace. This pace is deeply rational in nature.

ESE (Ethical-sensory extrovert)

EGO (+Fe! -> +Si?). Perception of the world is fundamentally emotional. Feels the emotional atmosphere well in any situation, knows the relevance of the way of expression, the place and weight (importance) of the internal state in each situation. Flexible approach to solving problems of managing and expressing emotions. They show bright emotionality both negative and positive. Creatively produces around themself comfort, coziness, conveniently arranges space, surrounds others with beautiful things, changing thereby the general condition and mood. Usually opinionated about their tastes.

(wow i really went all out on that this one that tumblr wont even display it in full resolution, so here. john just has so many more lines to choose from, sorry!)

Super-EGO (+Te! -> +Ni?). Practical and technological thinking is tightly based on acquired knowledge and patterns of solving similar problems. Methods of business activity in both general and specific areas are selected based on the opinion of reputable sources, or adjusted to one of the mastered templates. Predicting specific changes in the sphere of their interests is carried out only on the basis of personal experience. He is not able to compare his own method of forecasting with others, so he is sensitive to criticism of poor timing or deadlines, does not like situations that feel like a waste of his time; he is lost in connection with negative events. Guided by purely personal experience, he chooses specific times and deadlines for various tasks with a normative understanding of business activity in general.

Super-ID (-Ti? -> -Ne!). Attracts information about the order, specific logical relationships in the field of activity or interests. Needs someone to suggest specific ways to make connections between phenomena, patterns, and rules. Tries to be reasonable himself, even though he knows that this is not characteristic of him. Sometimes he openly talks of his actions that were poorly reasoned through, as if inviting other people to laugh at his thoughtlessness. The ordering and systematization of thought opens up a new way of understanding of events that are happening around him, as well as new prospects, potential, and capabilities. He likes to think that he understands the essence of a situation and lights up with new ideas. This skill needs to be evaluated. It is unconsciously activated when it is necessary to create order, clear consistency and clarity on a particular issue, especially if their abilities are recognized.

ID (-Fi? -> -Se!). Involuntarily keeps track of communications in their social circle. Without hesitation, they use a variety of ways to establish and maintain relationships that have been developed in his personal practice. Good relationships are important for personal inner confidence in a situation. To prevent unfavorable relationships, they are inclined, often without even realizing it, to act with pressure, forcing a showdown, forcing the partner to change the relationship for the better. Frequently demonstrates his resoluteness, persistence, and purposefulness, as if proposing his behavior as a model for imitation. Usually tells in much detail what obstacles were created before him, and how he overcame them, what he was told in response, and what he replied with, and so on and in the like.

(full res)

you might be able to see already how they would complement each other's thought process nicely. here are some descriptions of what the communication between these types is like:

+Fe! : program function of ESE and dual-seeking function of LII

The ESE periodically tells emotionally charged "program" function stories, telling of how somebody has acted and what they have done. The main orientation of ESE's leading ethical program is: "No one should be offended." The LII carefully listens to these statements, and, demonstrating a full understanding of these issues, develops logical basis for them, e.g. in calm persuasive voice he explains how the ESE has acted justly and fairly. The effusion of turbulent emotions coming from the ESE is counterbalanced by their absorption by the LII, who breaks them down into fragments by asking clarifying questions of the ESE.

-Ti? : dual-seeking function of ESE and program function of LII

The ESE is tuned to accepting information when it's relayed in clear logical form. He issues requests for logical explanations delivered from a point of view of generalized rules underpinning specific life events, which he receives from the LII, who delivers clear unambiguous interpretations, places the dots over all "i's", and demonstrates good understanding of problems that are of concern to the ESE. Not receiving information of this kind, the ESE begins making demands of those around him to be "intelligent" and understand the reasons of his actions.

-Ne! : activating function of ESE and creative function of LII

The ESE feels uncomfortable if he doesn't extend his help to people who are in need of it. His subconscious orientation is: "care and guard the talented", be kind and attentive towards other people. The LII usually meets such criteria by proving in action his aptitude at uncovering hidden capabilities, winning trust, passing on the knowledge. The ESE creates supportive conditions for people who are capable but lacking in assertive "push-through" qualities, among whom the LII finds himself, and a special work regime that protects such individuals from overloads on sensing functions. Newly discovered possibilities inspire and promote the pragmatic and business-oriented activities of the ESE. He can support a new undertaking or initiative with an enormous amount of energy and enthusiasm, light up by new ideas. Only the LII is able to, even having a vague general notion about the subject, construct a developed theory or idea of any issue. This theory shows to be promising in the process of its concrete application within its field.

+Si? : creative function of ESE and activating function of LII

LII tries to take care of their well-being, but may gravitate towards demonstrative asceticism, exhaust himself with work, studies, or exercise. The ESE periodically takes care of creating an environment that "charges" the LII with pleasant sensations: a reception of guests, a good meal, a visit to a theater or a concert, an interesting trip, and so on. At the same time the ESE takes pleasure in this himself.

+Te! : role function of ESE and observing function of LII

The role function of the ESE manifests as business-oriented activity and initiative, supplying interesting information, provision with material assistance to those who are in need, general restlessness and fussy busyness. This function is normative, i.e. the ESE seeks to comply with the norms and accepted ways of doing things. The nuancing of the understanding of these norms, i.e. introduction of activities that go beyond them, is possible only by considering LII's advice and recommendations. The LII serves as a director of this function, adjusting its workings by advocating the necessity of practical application of some beneficial ideas, rejection of useless though spectacular ideas, and the need to ensure standards of life not below average by rejection of equalization.

+Ni? : vulnerable function of ESE and demonstrative function of LII

The ESE poorly feels the flow of time, both physical, which manifests as running late and poor distribution of his strengths over time, and historical, which manifests as poor ability to anticipate consequences of actions and tendency for traditional ways of solving problems. The ESE finds it difficult to make radical choices. The LII fully takes this aspect onto his shoulders. He has an unconscious ability to distribute activities in time, thereby avoiding work stress and overloads, and is capable of making a radical choice. The LII is able to calmly wait and in the necessary moment get to work when the wasteful fussiness of the ESE reaches its critical point.

-Fi? : ignoring function of ESE and role function of LII

On this function the ESE gives advice and makes demands concerning the creation of appropriate psychological distances in form of proper behavior, courtesy and politeness, denouncing rudeness and boorishness. In this manner, the ESE adjusts LII's role function, which in itself contains a set of large psychological distances: a sullen stubborn look, unsociability, etc. With such fine-tuning it becomes easier for the LII to come into contact with people, whereby he becomes more animated, resolves many of his ethical problems that previously frightened him, gains greater insight into human relationships and a more accurate understanding as to whose side to take in situations of conflict.

-Se! : demonstrative function of ESE and vulnerable function of LII

The LII finds it very difficult to exert pressure on other people from his own will and initiative, especially in cases when he needs to attain something for himself. He finds this difficult to do - to press ahead in certain situations, to gather all the required paperwork, to stand in lines and queues, to petition for his own interests, even the ones that are of vital importance to him. He finds it difficult to push a person away, to sharply refuse someone, to quarrel loudly and defend his rights, to put an end to relations that have exhausted themselves. The ESE doesn't directly affect this function, i.e. he doesn't verbally criticize and teach the LII on this aspect, but takes over its functioning completely. The ESE exerts a constant, sometimes intrusive and imposing pressure on other people if there is a need to achieve something, to defend justice and demand fair treatment, to protect interests of those who are close and dear to him. The ESE goes to the right jurisdictions, inspires people around him and directs them towards work and purposeful activity, keeps up a high pace of life himself, and breaks off relations with those who don't deserve trust.

and some miscellaneous excerpts from literature i liked a lot. (i can't remember the sources i used since i've been working on this on and off, for the past week and i was just spilling things onto the post. i think stratiyevskaya?):

Mood - that’s what matters in this dyad - emotions and feelings. Anything that suppresses and overshadows good mood is considered unethical in this dyad and is strongly condemned.

The ESE does not allow the LII to limit him in the possibilities of consuming the amount of pleasures and joys, which he considers to be necessary and sufficient. Fortunately, both partners in the dyad - LII and ESE - are obstinate and unyielding. Both are demanding, unwilling (and not allowing anyone else) to lower the bar of their requirements, unable to give in and make concessions (especially in anything that is of principle for themselves). Both know how to make their partner reckon with their interests and insist on the fulfillment of their demands.

LII is impressed by the emotional generosity of ESE and his spiritual responsiveness. All this finds the deepest understanding in LII, since he is tuned to the same priorities and values. For his part, ESE admires the ability of LII to speak clearly and definitely on every issue. ESE is struck by the harmony of the reasoning of LII, the amazing clarity, accuracy and laconicism of his statements. To ESE it seems that for LII, there is nothing incomprehensible in this world; he can give a comprehensive explanation on every issue. And everything that ESE thought about before is gradually being built into a definite and clear system of views, which he can now very freely and naturally present. Confusion and chaos in his worldview gradually gives way to a stable logical order, as if someone patient and careful was sorting all his thoughts into shelves. Such clarity inspires and activates ESE; he begins to see some prospects for himself, new opportunities. His energy and activity, in addition to emotional and ethical expression, also receives sensory realization: ESE begins to take care of LII and carefully looks after him. If LII is a colleague with whom ESE is especially pleasant to communicate with, he begins to treat him with something tasty, homemade; will make some small, but beautiful and necessary gift (for example: new cologne or a warm scarf).

> okay that's great and all but when are we talking about john and aradia specifically?

yes, that was the point of this post. i just had to build all that up first so i could walk you through my thoughts in a fully substantiated way.

considering chronology of wind again, john doesnt realize it but he needs aradias frankness and insight. even if she’s unable to explicate on vague things, she states the reason why instead of making him feel stupid (it would create a doomed timeline) but thats all john needs to hear. she is self-effacing and only tells him the truth, and we know other people can take advantage of john’s suggestibility in this way. aradia tells john who is or isnt trustworthy, what actions would be useful/necessary and which ones wont, without any selfish personal motive a la vriska or terezi.

^ (juuuust the record my nitpicky ass doesn’t agree with the truth of the classpect interpretation on behalf of the author in the last bit BUT that is beside the point here. the point is that she is answering john’s question in a way that is meaningful for him)

aradia doesnt realize it but she needs john’s friendy goofiness to brighten her up because she is surrounded by people who antagonize her when she’s literally not even trying to get under anyones skin. everybody gets frustrated at her “spooky nonsense” because theyre afraid of their own mortality, basically telling her to put a lid on it because thinking about hard truths makes THEM personally uncomfortable. but to her it’s always just been a fact of life. plugging your ears to reality is ignorance, but at the same time that doesn’t mean there’s no meaning in anything. she wants to help people see this and she dedicates herself to becoming a psychopomp for the deceased and earnestly trying to make people feel emotionally and physically comfortable in their situation through exploring their memories.

john isn’t hostile towards her. by being herself she is immediately able to earn john’s trust when they initially talk. this is also true in canon; the one time they talked when john initially comes up to her, saying “can i ask you something? seem reasonable, and pretty nice.” unfortunately he asked her the one question she didn’t have much to say about, and i can’t blame him for expecting all the troll girls to be basically insane at that point. but i don’t think aradia is insane. yes she is odd, but i think it’s evident that she has a good head on her shoulders with knowledge of the way the universe around her works, and in the end wants to simply bask in watching it play out. i think she deserves to get childishly excited about it, especially considering she was dead for most of her developmental years.

aside from getting his answers answered, john shows curiosity about her and her species and even care about her well-being and state. this naturally comes from their conversation’s ebb and flow. aradia tells this straightforwardly, without bells and whistles and without trying to trick him, unlike the other trolls who seem keen on well..trolling him.. and providing him with unclear answers to those sorts things. maybe aside from vriska, but she did have a little bit of an attitude about it wherein her and john’s dynamic felt uneven or off-rhythm, with a large psychological distance. it’s a different feeling with aradia, however. they exchange information on the same rhythm and so are able to achieve a closer psychological distance in communication.

there are no judgments coming from aradia about john being “stupid”. she doesn’t underestimate him. it’s not just that john wants to understand (although he does), but he needs to understand what he is doing. aradia compliments john about the traits he possesses that allow him to be effective. i guess in a way i’m doing the same thing with john right now.

john is so mobile and strung along by being the action hero going from place to place as a can-do deliveryboy that he never has time to reflect on his losses, think through them, and accept them.

literally who else is more qualified in all of homestuck than aradia for talking to john about these things?

on top of all of this, they have objectively significant connections beyond just mutual self-realization in a way i think could've been fleshed out. there is potential here.

for a story, i can think of a way that a conversation between them could plausibly happen using the systems established in homestuck's mythology. in canon, we see that john never met aradia until year 3 on the golden battleship in the dream bubbles when he goes to sleep.

but john still dreamt out in the furthest ring. that means during those 3 years it was possible for john to have had a dream with her in it, or at least aradiabot. i know john didn't know aradia's name beforehand but let's just explore the possibility that they could have had met before that. remember that all these aradiabots were once this person.

aradia had obtained john's crosbytop, his dads hat, and his wallet quite a while before their sgrub session. theres your entry

imagine john seeing that

memories of dear old dad get stirred up through the link of seeing those items

the dream bubble transforms

john is forced to stand in his memories and explore grief and the meaning of life with aradia

physically being in the space around him would definitely help john reflect easier i think because it will force him to actually exist within the space and talk to someone, taking some time out for this. he wanted to know if anything could've been done or if he was just too late to save them. i know aradia would be able help him slow down and introspect. don't forget the opportunities created by the properties of these spaces that are glubbed out in the furthest ring by the horrorterrors that meld the labyrinthine time and space of their surroundings to the memories of the people and finding others through common points in memory. i would imagine that objects known by multiple people would provide a common point in memory to bring them together.

The bubbles allow the players of Sburb/Sgrub who have lost a life to continue dreaming. The reality constructed in the bubbles is a combination of the memories of everyone inside the bubble accessible to any who has learned the bubble's nature. According to Aradia, it would be quite difficult to exit a bubble to get into a new one, however someone inside a bubble can travel to another one through common points in memory, taking their own memories with them to be integrated into the new bubble. These memories mix and combine, but in general, no new memories are created. Additionally, the bubbles store the consciousness of a player who has lost their dream selves and their original selves, making them double as a form of afterlife; the player is then capable of accessing the memory of anyone else who has gained access to the bubbles. Living players, who have lost or become their dream selves, appear in the dream bubbles when they are asleep. It is in this fashion that the bubbles can be used as meeting places between the dead and the living; even those from alternate universes and doomed timelines can be found in a bubble. Furthermore, in addition to memories, the bubbles can to some extent reflect the thoughts of a player. Beyond that, the bubbles can also behave similarly to Skaia's clouds, showing things that are in some way relevant to the player - such as when coin-flip Dave saw alpha Dave grieving over Bro's corpse - something he was not aware of before being shown it by a bubble.

physically reflect the thoughts of the player…… rubs hands

john and aradia share points in memory related to those objects, and to top it all of they are directly related to john's dad on the same day he died, while aradia grew up with them as bizarre alien artifacts from an archeological dig. the memories are more emotionally charged for john, and i think that distinction would probably be relevant to them both.

to be honest i think after speaking with him for a bit she would readily tell john that she regrets not talking to the kids from the universe her team created sooner before she died, but is glad that she can in the afterlife. in canon, alpha aradia told a doomed dave, "i think its absurd i never introduced myself to you in all that time i spent moping around the lab. guess i wasnt in a very good mood".

now not all the aradiabots would know who john is, because the trolls only found out about the humans once they created the genesis frog and hid out in the lab in the veil from jack who infiltrated their session. the aradiabot in the lab was the last one that survived. so if any one of them would know who john is, it would be the aradiabot that exploded. aradia's dream self ascended to god tier in jack noir's rampage on trolls' derse and took those memories with her which we can assume is what made the last aradiabot explode. its known that any original copy that dies when another rises up becomes a ghost and lives on in the dream bubbles, which would include her. a doomed aradiabot we see in the comic, which was the one that originally landed to alternia in the past, becomes more lighthearted after she dies, a bit more like her alive counterpart.

oh yeah, and the more obvious surface-level connections to top it off? ghostbusters? john ain't afraid of no ghost girl. john would be genuinely interested in what aradia living as a ghost irl on her planet and not as a gaming abstraction in the furthest ring would be like. i imagine she would be able to explain the subjective experience and that she had to prototype herself into the kernelsprite order for her server player to see her. there's also no way john hasn't seen a movie as classic as indiana jones and judging from her poster i can imagine he probably thinks it's sweet that aradia's strife specibus whipkind is a reflection of her own personal tastes, interests and hobbies.

so yeah i've just been chewing on all of this and thinking about it but i know i needed to just get this out there somehow. obviously since i spent two weeks putting this post together i'd be happy to hear your thoughts

[is-this-yuri]

once upon a time i worked for a total of three and a half (3.5 entire) weeks at a metalworking facility where i used power tools to carve away at giant metal pieces. the metal pieces in question were pipes and plumbing of various types, to be used in sewer and water systems. so, for threeish weeks, i was part of the reason someone had running water and sewage. this is generally considered unskilled labor for some reason

anyway, the place didn't provide me the right sized gloves. i have freakishly small hands, so like, i didn't expect them to have a good pair for me right away, but they refused to get me a pair in the right size. so, since i didn't feel comfortable with my fingertips flopping all over the place, and they didnt just let not wear the gloves, i got my own.

i got vibration resistant gloves because i noticed even within the first day that my hand was getting numb in places from holding the tools. the gloves seemed to work great, but they quickly wore out and i had to take them home for difficult repairs every week.

i STILL got raynaud's syndrome. just working there for less than a month! with special gloves designed to help prevent it! i didn't realize until the next winter i spent homeless and my fingers went numb and turned white, so i never thought to pursue any compensation.

on top of this, the OSHA guidelines for average dust particles in the air was up on a board for me to read, but when i read it i wondered if they'd considered the fact that every single employee stops their work and sweeps their station at the same time every day, kicking up a visible cloud of metal dust particles. my boogers were constantly, always pitch black for the brief time i worked there. i have some pictures of me in that place and i literally look like a coal miner. no masks or respirators provided, i also bought my own of those.

this was also a teamsters company, and i was really excited to hear that at first because it was my first time working under a union. and most likely the union has made excellent progress in making that workplace safer than it otherwise would be, but i personally still didn't feel like my health was a priority.

so yeah, three weeks at that place was enough to know it wasnt for me. i didnt even mention the macho work culture i didnt fit into, which is also common at factories and warehouses. this wasn't my only attempt at this kind of job, but it was the shortest, because at that point i had enough self respect to leave when i knew it was bad.

the sad thing is, every job is like that in some way. your health is never a priority. the unions have gotten us to a point, but it's essentially bare minimum. and thats if you can even get unionized. you're going to have to reach into your own pocket to accomodate your needs at work, a pocket your boss's hand is already deep into.

so if youre feeling guilty, or lazy, or worthless because you can't stand your job, just know that almost no job is a hospitable enviornment.

[starlightazriel]

bad boy az # 7 (fem reader)

warnings: 18+ , smut, luciens nickname is lucci (im freshly gardened leave me alone), lucien????? (you know what emoji im thinking about), 16/18 age gap, angsty asf, self loathing, az being az, underage alcohol and drug abuse, loneliness, heartbreak, pining, fluff (YUP)

a/n: im sorry lucien doesn't have a fake eye i don't have time to backstory why a high schooler lost his eye lol thank you for all the support i love you. also credit to @leyannrae for the lickback cus i was scared to do it but was inspired by the comment

azriel masterlist

The particular situation I found myself in, definitely wasnt what I would have expected when I left my house this morning. I wasnt exactly complaining though. Maggie had informed me earlier today that I needed to 'get outside' needed to 'explore some other fish in the sea' and it was 'the perfect opportunity to do whatever I want because my parents were out of town for the week'. She had also added that Azriel 'wasnt the only hot guy that existed on planet earth'. I recalled wanting to argue that he was the hottest guy on earth.

I knew she was just worried about me though, I hadn't left my room in weeks besides school, so I didnt protest. I agreed to the double date with Maggie, Shane, and Shanes right hand man Lucci, yes Lucci, and yes it was pronounced like Gucci. Which Maggie had informed me was short for Lucien, but no one called him that, apparently. Lucien was given his nickname at a young age after making varsity football as a freshman. She informed me that he was smart too, 'so we should get along perfectly'.

He was also... Another senior. Incredibly hot in a completely different way than Azriel. Darker than Azriel, russet colored eyes and slightly long shaggy red hair.

It had been two months since Azriel had left me there that day, stunned into silence. I had replayed it over and over again, trying to pick apart every single word that he had said to me. I had wanted to talk to him the first week, so very badly that it had ached in my bones. I had eventually given up, but it didnt stop me from being worried about him. He avoided me like the plague when he did show up for school. He wouldn't look at me when we passed each other in the hallways, but I noticed that he looked slightly thinner, I could tell his eyes were distant and that he probably was taking something. I wondered how his classes were going. He had blocked my number after the first couple days I had texted him, reminding him about certain things he had said that day, certain things that had eluded toward him having feelings for me. My number was still blocked, as far as I knew.

"You alright over there? What's going on up there?" Luciens voice reminds me where I was again, and my eyes flicker to his, he gestures to my forehead. I blink, realizing that I hadn't said anything in a while.

"I was just wondering if I actually have to call you Lucci. Because I don't think this is going to work out if I do," I play it off smoothly enough that a grin plasters his face and he laughs, leaning back into the seat of his car. We were in front of my house, and he was supposed to be dropping me off, since Shane and Maggie had sleepover plans.

"I like you y/n, you're funny," he's still smiling at me, and he looks at me for the first time tonight. Well he had looked at me a lot at the bowling alley, particularly every time I had gone up for my turn. I hadn't missed his intense, burning gaze. His eyes eventually land on my lips and suddenly, I'm nervous. "And the answer is no. You don't have to call me that. It's just a stupid nickname, don't let it make you underestimate me," his voice had dropped a little bit, huskier now. "You can call me whatever you want," he adds suggestively, he leans in and I don't move, my breathing becoming heavier as his scent fills my nostrils.

"Lucien it is then," I breath out, trying to remain calm, as he gets a little closer, my lips part as I brace myself for the kiss, holding my breath.

And then... Hes kissing me, his large hands are running over my body, feeling me, gently squeezing and rubbing. I feel his fingers slide beneath my skirt, between my legs, I don't tell him to stop, I don't grab his arm or get out of the car, instead I moan softly tilting my head back against the seat as his two fingers dipped into my wetness, gently stretching me. This was the rush I needed, the type of touch I had been craving for weeks. His lips press to my neck as he moves his fingers in and out deliciously, making me moan again. "You are so fucking wet and tight," he pants softly before he begins sucking on my neck, his teeth scraping at the skin. "Where have you been?" he groans against my neck and I arch my back slightly, gasping. It isn't long before Im undone, left panting and wondering if he's going to sneak inside or take me in the back of his car. But instead, he just kisses me, leans back, and smiles before sucking my release off of his fingers slowly. I realize that this is as far as he's going to take it, and I sigh softly.

"You know," I say, squinting my eyes a little at him, "Lucien and Lucifer sound really close," I say, earning a laugh from him, he tosses his head back before shaking his head.

"Go to bed kid, we got school tomorrow," his eyes twinkle and I can't help but smile back before I open the door of the car.

"Goodnight Lucien," he waves once more and only leaves once Im safely inside. Im left reeling, wondering how this year had ended up with me having relations with not one but two senior boys. Lucien was sweet, he was carefree and flirty... But he wasnt Azriel.

I swallow the lump in my throat, reaching up to touch the small hickey that Lucien had left on my neck.

I knew I shouldn't be, but I found myself wondering what Azriel was doing.

-

It had become routine for Azriel to look past y/n as if she was a ghost when he would pass by her in the hallways. He had said too much that day, exposed himself too much, that the only logical thing to do now was to push her out and pretend like she didnt exist so that she couldn't hurt him back.

That didnt mean he didnt still think about her, every waking moment. It didnt mean that the look on her face every time he had hurt her didnt haunt him. That the shit didn't keep him from eating, or keep him up tossing and turning, every single night. Blocking her had been the obvious solution to her texts that were analyzing the things he had said to her, responding to them anyway when he hadn't given her the chance to speak up at the time. It was too much. He just couldn't handle it. He had fought himself every day since from unblocking her and texting her.

He almost froze completely when he entered the hall that passed y/n's locker. He stopped a little farther down, leaning against the wall by the bathroom. His eyes locked on her and then the boy standing there, and his gut reeled as he saw Lucien of all people, standing in his old spot at her locker. Azriels jaw clenched tightly as he watched her laugh, actually laugh at whatever dumb fuckery he could have been saying. Lucien? Really? He knew him fairly well, they had been going to school together for years, they would graduate together this year, Azriel had sold him weed many times and he knew he was mostly harmless but him and y/n? No fucking way.

His teeth clench, jaw flexing tightly as he watches him try to brush her hair back and she swats him away, still laughing. Her hair falls anyway revealing a small purple hickey right on the side of her neck, before he can think about anything he's across the hallway standing before them.

"What are you doing?" his question is directed to her, tone sharp and demanding, the first words he's spoken to her in months. Her lips part in surprise, shock written all over her face. His eyes keep darting back and forth from her own to the hickey on her neck. A hickey he didnt leave there.

"Im talking to my friend," when she finally speaks, her tone is cool, but her eyes are still searching.

"Well now I want to talk," he responds, almost forgetting that Lucien was even there. Everything else always seemed to melt away when he was near her.

"You good Azriel?" Lucien looks between the two of them, assessing the situation. Azriel peels his eyes away from her, settling them on Lucien, his hazel eyes burning

"I will be when you leave," he says shortly and Luciens face scrunches slightly, his spine straightening as he begins to square up with him.

"Y/n? You okay?" Luciens eyes shift away from Azriels and then settle on her again.

"She's fine," Azriel growls, his fists clenching at his sides, it took everything in him not to completely deck the shit outta him.

"Let her answer," he growls back, his eyes scanning over Azriel.

"Im fine, Lucien, really. I'll catch up with you later," she says, giving him a small nod, he looks at her one last time, as if he would figure out what was going on between the two of them by the hard stare he gave her. He eventually just shakes his head a little, shrugs and gives Azriel one last look over before he walks away, shaking his head.

"What are you doing?" Azriel repeats once he's gone, his mouth is dry, stare so intense that her fingers were shaking as she stared back up at him. His eyes flick back down to the hickey. "Hes doesn't deserve to breath the same air as you y/n," Azriel growled quietly, he knew it was unreasonable, Lucien hadn't exactly done anything wrong, but he couldn't bare to see the two of them like that. He couldn't bare to see someone else making her smile. And to see she had a hickey? Rage burned inside him, but he remained calm, letting it show as he stared down at her. She only huffs, crossing her arms over her chest in annoyance, the image makes Azriels heart soar.

"So let me get this straight Azriel," she stares up at him, her voice the tiniest bit shaky, he could tell she was trying her very best to keep her composure. "He doesn't deserve me, you don't deserve me. So what am I supposed to do then, Az? Fuck myself?" Azriel blanches at her words, jealousy gnawed deeply at his gut. They fucked? His nostrils flare. He feels like screaming, like slamming her up against the lockers so hard, he feels like covering that pathetic little hickey with five more of his own. He swallows every word he's about to say.

"Just don't be a fucking idiot y/n, okay?" his jaw flexes, his gaze burning through her, her lips are slightly parted as she looks up at him, his eyes drop, settling there. He recalls how good it feels to kiss her, to touch her, his body feels so hot, so fucking angry as he thinks about him fucking her, him kissing her, and touching her. Word vomit threatens to spill so Azriel turns on his heel, leaving her alone, and stunned to silence.

-

Azriel didnt know how he had found himself back here, throwing rocks at her window, looking up, silently begging for her to wake, to appear before him looking down, her face flushed, hair messy from sleep. He needed it. He needed her. He had been going out of his mind all day. His thoughts were absolutely tortured by the thought of her fucking someone else. It completely gnawed at his insides. He figured that was mostly why he was here, he was so fucking jealous he couldn't stay away. He couldn't fucking bare the thought of her starting something new with somebody else.

He had tried to distract himself, he had left school immediately to meet up with Rhys and Cass to skate, and get fucked up, obviously. He could tell they were worried about him, they had started prying, not without a bite back from Azriel but they had began prying. He knew they only did that when things got really bad. Azriel had left their place eventually, informing them he was going home which they didnt think was a good idea, he had been far too drunk to drive. He had ignored them and left anyway, and now... Found himself here.

She finally appears in front of her window, sliding it open easily, her lips part as she just stares down at him and they look at each other for what feels like forever. His breathing is slightly ragged, his fingers now balled up at his sides.

"My parents aren't home, you could have knocked," she says, peering down at him, his heart thundered against his chest, liquor running through his system.

"Let me up," is all he says, he was dying to get his hands on her. Dying to touch her skin.

"Again," she mumbles softly, squinting down at him. "You can use the door, my parents aren't home." He doesn't hesitate, but walks quickly to the front door, waiting for her to open it.

"What are you doing here Azriel?" her face is weary, but her tone is soft and he knows its probably because of the state of him, how fucking horrible he looked.

"I can't fucking take this shit anymore y/n," his voice is soft, tone matching hers as he stares at her, he was leaning against the front door now, his palms pressed against the wood as if to keep himself from lunging at her.

"I don't know what you mean," she says, but he knows she does know what he means. Her body language said so, the way she nervously shifted on her feet, the way she covered the small bruise on her neck with her hair. His anger flared silently, he kept it at bay.

"You're going to make me say it aren't you," he takes a small step closer to her, her breath hitches, he swallows the lump in his throat. She's quiet, waiting for him. "I need you y/n okay? Are you fucking happy now? I need you every fucking second of everyday. Ive been drowning these past two months without you. Absolutely drowning," a small gasp escapes her lips, she blinks, as if she was trying to decipher whether or not this was real life.

"Then why..." she trails off, failing at finding the right words. "Then why did you push me away?" she finally breaths out, watching him as his hands grip his hair, pulling gently as he looks up at the ceiling, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips. His arms fall at his sides again, another frustrated sigh leaving his lips. Why did she make this so hard? Why couldn't she just see everything?

"I can't fucking help it butterfingers," he breaths, his heart warms slightly at the nickname, recalling the first time they had met, the way she had fallen all over herself with nerves. "And deep down, I just know, that I don't fucking deserve you," he shakes his head, and he meant it, he knew he didnt. Everything he had done from the very beginning proved that.

"Stop saying that Azriel!" her voice raises slightly, frustration gleaming through her tone. "You don't get to determine that! You don't just get to decide what is and isn't good for me!" Her voice falters slightly, but she doesn't move, doesn't tear her eyes away from him.

"You don't realize that everything that I've done since the beginning... Every single mistake I made from the first day that I ever went to your house and fucked you. Without knowing you first, without really getting to know you... I took something from you that you'll never get back from me, I was so fucking selfish and you don't even realize it. When I fucked not one but two girls behind your back when I was fucked out of my mind but really all I wanted was you and I knew it but I was too afraid to admit what that truly meant," he was rambling, but he noticed her visible wince, pain flashing in her eyes, he knew she didn't know about the first girl, at the rave, there was no possible way she could have found out about that, but since everything was being laid out on the table, he figured it didn't matter anymore the truth was the truth. "The way I talked down to you before fucking you just because you cared enough to check on me when my dad died, I treated you like nothing but a slut when you are so much more than that. The way that Ive completely ignored you for months, pretending like nothing ever existed between us, not even checking on you one fucking time, y/n... And you don't even see how horrible I am, you just keep fucking letting me in. Over and over," He trails off again, his eyes sting slightly, he blinks. He was not a crier, and he wasnt about to start now.

"You deserved so much more y/n," his words are soft again, he swallows, his eyes not leaving hers. He doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care about being vulnerable, he isn't afraid of what she's going to say anymore. It didnt matter, nothing mattered except making sure she at least knew the truth, he was facing everything now, finally admitting every single thing outloud. "So when I push you away it's because I have never felt like this before y/n. I have never needed anyone in my entire life. And Im fucking terrified of that, and so Ive fucked up, over and over again and still... Still y/n you stand here in front of me, and you listen," his jaw flexes nervously, his eyes darting, blinking again trying to swallow every piece of emotion that burned inside of him. He waits, he waits for her to explode, to push him out, to finally realize just how awful he was, finally to realize how much better she truly deserved.

But she doesn't run from his words, she doesn't balk, she doesn't realize that he's right about himself... She advances towards him, standing in her tip toes she places her hands on both of cheeks, so tenderly and softly , he melts instantly, his face along with his whole body softening at her touch. It's so light, like a touch a mother gives to a child before sending them off to sleep, feather light, radiating love and warmth. No one had ever touched him like that. His breath hitches, his throat bobbing as he stares down at her, unable to peel his eyes away.

Safe.

It was the only word to describe the feeling that her touch caused to stir up in him. The only time he ever felt remotely like that was when he was with Rhys and Cass. But this... It was different than even that. One of those things that ran so true and deep. His mind told him to run, do something dumb, fuck it up somehow, get away from the intimacy that felt like too much to handle. But he was frozen, his heart wouldn't let him move, he couldn't move.

"Azriel," she says softly, her eyes warm, forgiving, caring. "None of that matters," she whispers, he swallows again, his heart hammering against his chest. "Because I see you," and he knew that she did. All those walls that he tried to keep up, the masks he put on, the self destruct... She saw all of it, his walls had been crumbling since the day he met her. He could admit it now, to himself at least, while standing there with her, after completely pouring his heart out. He could finally admit that he loved her, he wished that he had the courage to say it, just another reason to feel unworthy. Such a coward still.

He can't speak without his voice cracking, so he leans in, waiting to see if she would pull away. She doesn't, her breath hitching quietly, she pulls him a little closer, her fingers still gently placed on his cheeks.

He knows she's about to kiss him, and he closes his eyes, waiting patiently, savoring the feeling of her skin against his. He needed this.

She kissed him, softly pressing. her lips to his. He hums softly, kissing her back in a way that he had never kissed anyone before. Gentle, loving, tender... His fingers slide up, gently weaving into her hair as he holds her in place, his other arm snacking around her slim waist.

She moans softly as he continues to kiss her, tongue gently exploring, getting reacquainted with that pouty little mouth that he has missed so much. He reaches down with both of his hands now, gently picking her up, not daring to pull away as they kiss passionately. She wraps her legs around his waist, gasping softly at the closeness of them now, their bodies pressed together for the first time in what felt like forever. Her arms had moved around his neck, her hands locking behind it to hold herself up.

Azriel carefully carries her to the guest room on the first floor of her house, he refused to break the contact, refused to put her down so they could safely get up the stairs. He sets her gently down on the bed, one of his hands cradling her head so it didnt hit the pillow. He swallowed, trying not to remember how rough he had been with her the last time they did this.

Maybe he didnt have the courage to tell her that he loved her, but he could show her... With the only way he knew how.

He undressed her slowly, carefully kissing each new piece of exposed skin until she was naked in front of him. He marvels for a moment, his breath getting caught in his throat. "Ive missed you so much," he admits softly, her cheeks are blazing, breath ragged as she lay there, gripping the sheets gently and he knew it was to stop herself from covering her body. He was looking at her in a way he never had before, savoring, appreciating, every dip and curve, every freckle or mole, any imperfection that to him, made her absolutely perfect.

He tasted her then, taking his time with each slow and rolling movement of his tongue and lips. Her pussy was dripping, body shaking, covered in goosebumps as she melted more and more under each lick of his tongue. He had never been like this with anyone before, he had never been so careful, so gentle and tender.

It was like he was trying to take every little bit of pain she ever felt away from her, like he was trying to take care of her, like he never had before. She whispered his name, her back arching deliciously, breasts peaked in the air. He only stops when she moans his name softly, her body going rigid as she releases before she goes limp, panting underneath him.

He slowly kisses back up her body, finding her lips again, she moans at the taste of herself, her fingers finding Azriels hair and tugging gently. "Can I..." he trails off, gently pulling his mouth off of hers, her arms fall by her head and she nods quickly, knowing exactly what he was asking for.

"Please," she whispers, watching as he undresses himself, revealing his tanned tattooed body to him. She bites her lip, heat rushes through him again, a small nervous breath escaping his lips.

He hesitantly reaches down with one of his hands, intwining their fingers together, she gasps softly at the intimacy, their eyes glued to one another. He gently guides himself to her opening, slowly pushing all of himself in, a moan escapes his lips, he had missed this so much.

And then, he made love to her, for the first time in his life, he made love. He poured every single thing that he felt for her into each rolling thrust of his body. Her soft moans felt like music to his ears, and they panted, their breaths falling insync, eyes never leaving each others. Their hands interlaced on either side of her face, noses bumping from time to time. He savored every last second of it.

They did it again and again. Making love into the early hours of the morning until sunlight peaked through the blinds of the guest room. He couldn't sleep, he had refused to sleep. He had refused to do anything besides draw the night out for as long as he could.

"I am sorry y/n, for everything," its the first thing he says to break the silence, they hadn't spoken in hours, just kissed and touched and made love.... Held each other.

"I forgive you," she says quietly. "I won't give up you know," she mumbles then, her eyes are closed, head on his chest like it had been the night she first told him that she loved him. He knew what she meant, and he believed her, he trusted that she wouldn't give up on him. Even if he continued to push her away. A few long moments of silence pass as he tries to gather the courage for what he wants to say.

"If you let me," he swallowed the lump in his throat, pushed down the nerves. "I'd like to... Start fresh," he struggled, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Do everything the right way this time."

She doesn't say a word though, she's already sleeping peacefully, blissfully in his arms.

-

a/n: IM SCREAMING ! my heart is on the floor. thoughts?!

also this hasn't been proof read yet cus i just wanted to post it so if you see any mistakes ill get to it eventually

[electricpurrs]

[moeblob]

Erin, to her crush: You're a dick

Mason, the crush: I won't argue! But to clarify -

[nerdie-faerie]

Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart

[autisticlee]

that feeling when you get advice from someone who you know is well-meaning and has good intentions....but it's just the most allistic, neurotypical, and/or abled advice you have ever heard and completely invalidates the point you're trying to make about why you struggle to do the thing in the first place.

they're telling you to "do it in this specific way that is completely opposite of how you physically/mentally work" for example, make eye contact/read people's facial expressions and intentions! but you're autistic. initiate verbal conversation and don't be shy! but you're nonverbal or semispeaking. get out of the house more and participate in these physical activities! but you're physically disabled. Just Be Yourself! but you have DID/OSDD/other personality disorder. etc.

i'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help. I appreciate it, really. but it's all things i've heard before and none of it helps me specifically. I have tried (maybe even still try out of habit) and learned I can't just do those things. they don't work for me or cause more issues. practice isn't the issue. not everyone can simply willpower through everything. but thanks for trying 😔✊️

[anastacialy]

y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'

[kaisollisto]

[tojisun]

hi sorry I'm stupid but are you rooting for the oilers or not in your last two posts I legit cannot tell (they're my hometown team and I'm not into hockey but I am into your writing and honestly I'm just wondering)

hi omg no sweat and ur not stupid, the fault’s entirely mine bc my hockey lb is extremely confusing! i am rooting for the oilers yea!! im first and foremost a canucks fan (theyre my hometown team) but i kept watching the playoffs and began to like the oilers seriously (its just. davo is so endearing. its kinda difficult to dislike a guy whose love for the sport is just so honest). that said, ive also been watching the eastern conference games so my awe for the panthers is tremendous bc theyre legit beasts

i rambled again but tl;dr is yea im rooting for the oilers 😭

take care my love and smooches <33

[bigmammallama5]

i turned in my paperwork to start selling pots in our art center's gallery shop, so now i gotta bust my ass again to get some more work churned out (which this is very cool, and i need to provide some mugs for a special instructor's "mug event" now). i went and looked around and there wasn't a terribly broad array of work? cups, bowls, mugs, some smaller serving dishes, mostly functional work. i'm thinking i'll do cups, mugs, some small bowls for ease, then i'm thinking some pumpkins (with or without a face or a lid idk), some little shroomies which are easy and cute, and then if i can get them right maybe some of those tumblers with the half lid for straws? maybe some wild clay slip...

but now bc i'm teaching more and i might have a little extra from this now, idk if i'll have the time to dedicate for illustration commissions like i had been hoping to do. im still gonna think about it, and at the very least might find a new online shop to offer prints that isn't redbubble. it's not a light decision to consider. :/

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

[dayurno]

[mejomonster]

I genuinely like long hair. I aspire to have long hair and look like a lot of men whos looks i admire.

I got compliments on looking so feminine and pretty recently

I cannot tell u how urgently i desired to shave all my fucking hair off. How unpleasant it felt to just Bam get reminded the way i intepret my own choice for wanting to look Any particular way in this world is always overshadowed by anyone outside me deciding theyd Prefer me a certain way for their own reasons

[healingheartdogs]

Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.

Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.

[jonny-b-meowborn]

Maybe if people around me understood how much of my already very limited energy goes into not hurting or killing myself maybe they'd chill a bit with their expectations