#i couldnt do it this time usually i would but i just dont have the energy 2 fix this
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yapping about how i approached translating karamatsu's brand new world. just discussing the localization liberties i took and other things i think are interesting. i just love yapping sorry
part 1/4 because i forgot about tumblr post image limits lol
establishing my ethos: im still learning japanese but have been translating (chinese -> english) for over 7 years, so my translation skill is higher than my japanese skill. if there's anything i get wrong here pls point it out!!! i usually translate mostly songs, anime (donghua), and manga
The Title
japanese has multiple alphabets: 2 phonetic ones and 1 derived from chinese characters (kanji) that dont tell you anything about how they're pronounced
kanji characters have multiple pronunciations. for example, 心 can be pronounced "kokoro" or "shin" depending on the context it's used in.
"how do you know which kanji pronunciation to use" you guess. alternatively, media geared towards children (who have lower language skills) will sometimes spell out the right pronunciation above the kanji in little letters
sometimes people will just make up their own pronunciations for kanji for Style Points, in which case they will also spell out the intended pronunciation above the kanji
so this title actually reads "matsuno karamatsu's brand new morning". however the Style Points pronunciation guidelines indicated that this is pronounced "Brand New World". i deliberated over this for a while and ended up going with "brand new world" because the phonetic pronunciation is in english so i assume this would be the preferred title for an english localization. unfortunately this did lose the interesting double reading of "morning" and "world" but sometimes it just be like that.
Chapter 1
every time choro says something about the chopsticks in this first part, he's repeating the same thing each time: "Stop [pointing with your] chopsticks". but this 1. doesn't sound very natural in english, and 2. is too long to fit into these speech bubbles.
translations often have to take liberties due to the medium. in anime subtitles, they need to consider how fast a watcher can read the subtitles. in manga, it's often about how many words they can fit in a vertical text bubble.
the underlying impression is that choro is annoyed he even has to tell oso to stop pointing with his chopsticks (this is common sense, you're a grown ass man, why don't you know table manners, etc), so i tried to write it in a way like he's saying it short and snippy like an annoyed mom who has already reminded you 5000 times about this exact thing: Chopsticks.
oso calls totty "あざとい" here after hearing that he's trying out pancakes at a new cafe. as far as i can tell, this roughly translates to "cunning" or "sly" and is used to describe women kinda derogatorily, like a girl at the office who speaks harshly to the women but sweettalks to men (like tsunoda from aggretsuko).
i couldnt really think of a natural-sounding equivalent to this implication in english, so i settled on the kind of close "coquettish" to get across that oso is calling totty girly in a strange and insulting way. oso's dialogue here literally goes something like "sly.... you really are sly...", but since "coquettish" is kind of a weird word to use in english, i ended up localizing this around to suit my weird word choice to make it sound like oso was thinking for a second about the right word to call totty, which i also think comes off as a little more natural-sounding
japanese (and chinese) have a plural second-person pronoun, but english doesn't (besides y'all, which i did use in oso's dialogue earlier lol) which is a real headache and almost always needs some creative thinking to get sounding Normal. this was a relatively straightforward case: "how would a father address his sons as a collective?" -> "Boys"
CHAPTER 2
the dreaded jp onomatopoeia without an english equivalent. im lucky that these boys' whole gimmick is being from an old cartoon so i could get away with the very cartoony "honk" sound effect for "blowing one's nose".
the source material always translates イタい as "painful" so i do it too but i wish osmt had come out like just a few years later when "cringe" was in the common vernacular because it's a way better localization. in my opinion.
also a minor note: in the first bubble totty is actually repeating kara's words back at him "someone's? watching? me?", which is made clera by him using kara's self-pronoun (オレ) and not his own self-pronoun (ボク) (if you don't know about self-pronouns i will talk about them more in a future note). however this nuance is lost in english and could be misconstrued so i just went and made it so he's repeating back what kara said but not using the exact words
"頭おかし" does literally translate to "strange in the head" but colloquially just means "insane" or "crazy". but ichi is being really harsh to kara here, and kara does start questioning his mental sanity later in the chapter, so i went with a more harsh translation here that specifically references the head. also "YOU'RE INSANE" does unintentionally have a different meaning to most of us here on tumblr dot com, doesnt it lol
i dont know what the consensus is on giving iyami a french accent when localizing him. it's probably overkill to do both this AND keep the zansus. however i cant convey a mid-atlantic accent in writing so this is my next best way to convey that iyami talks very strangely. also it's funny
this panel was really hard to redraw. please clap
anyways same use of "strange" here as before with the head thing ("crazy") but it can also have the vibe of "abnormal". i thought "is something wrong with me?" helped convey both these meanings. come to think of it later in chapter 6 i translate okashi very literally as "strange". maybe i shouldve said "is something wrong with me" there, too....
CHAPTER 3
jyushi literally says "why do we do the olympics?" here. i localized it this way because it means essentially the same thing and is funnier. dats the art of translation babyyyyy
japanese personal pronouns quick rundown: in english we tell others to refer to us as different pronouns- him, her, they, etc., but we only have one pronoun to refer to ourselves with (I). japanese has many self-pronouns, and which one you use to describe yourself with is usually based around context and personality (some pronouns are more polite to use than others, some give off the connotation of being stuck-up or of being a country bumpkin, etc). this is helpful for characterization and also being able to tell who is talking through written dialogue
we aren't meant to know who this figure is at first, but we're also meant to have the clues to figure it out (if you were to investigate, you would find that f6 oso is the only one with full black gloves and knee high boots).
oso usually uses the masculine self-pronoun 俺, which is a rude and casual pronoun very fitting of the slacker eldest. however, f6 oso, a reliable and polite dreamboat, uses 僕, a polite and proper masculine pronoun (normal choro uses this pronoun). so this pronoun use masks the identity of this mysterious figure- but if you looked into it, you'd be able to see that this does link up to f6 oso. it's also possible the artist didnt know this and just went with 僕 to fit the fairytale prince vibe here though lol
i have no way to convey this in english so all of this is just lost nuance in translation. womp womp.
for the record these are the boys' personal pronouns:
oso: 俺 (ore can convey that he's rude, kanji alphabet can convey .... he's old-fashioned, possibly? shrugs?)
kara: オレ(ore can convey that he's full of himself, katakana alphabet can convey that he's [trying to be] stylish or loud)
choro: 僕 (boku can convey that he's polite, kanji can convey that he's proper)
ichi: おれ (ore can convey a kinda casual-lazy vibe, hiragana alphabet can convey that he's soft-spoken kinda?)
jyushi: ぼく (boku can convey that he's Just A Little Guy, hiragana alphabet can convey that he's childish)
totty: ボク (boku can convey that he's Just A Little Guy, katakana alphabet can convey that he's [trying to be] stylish and modern)
CHAPTER 4
demonstration of localization for the medium: totty's dialogue here translates most literally to "What are you talking about?", but "talking" and "about" are pretty long words that are hard to fit into that skinny dialogue bubble. "the hell are you on about?" conveys the same thing, has shorter words that are nicer to fit into a bubble, and also shows a bit more personality (and i think is a little funnier).
this part ends here becaues i forogt about the tumblr post limit. i will continue in future posts
part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4
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What if I straight up didn't explain myself? What if I just said trust me on this? Would you?
#fe warriors three hopes#mercedes von martritz#miklan anschutz gautier#we really only need to clarify this is STRICTLY warriors miklan and i think ive already condemned myself but i accept it#i am very sorry but the person i usually would talk to about rare pairs has been a bit busy so i couldnt go to them to get it out that way#so art is the only way i have you have to understand its not my fault (its my fault)#did you guys know i reset the azure gleam map three times before googling the chapter where he dies to try and save him#no i dont think he deserves to be pardoned for what hes done but i liked that w3h gave him a small chance to be better FOR HIMSELF#no i dont think he should simply be forgiven for everything he did but i do like that he was given humanity and how#he was still not a good guy but damn you guys i think about that npc sometimes#who says that they admired him becoming something despite being a criminal bc if miklan can do it whats stopping them from being better ?#like that npc stuck with me a while ok#just ......... there are a lot of thoughts here that i dont think many of you care to read even in tags so ill stop now#i will say the canvas is saved as speed run to cancellation lesgo
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cant stop thinking about this silly dog i saw on twitter the other day, reminded me of him for some reason. The Animal 🐖
#i would link a source but it was a repost account so. idk whose ouppy this is im so sorry#also FIRST TABLET DRAWING RAAAAAAAUGH 💥💥💥 MY HAND HURTS SO FUCKING BAD FKJDHG#i gotta get used to holding a pen like that...#my arm keeps doing muscle memory Dont Touch The Screen thing but. it's ok relax man this isnt even a touchscreen#you can rest ur arm it's fine#it's so funny that desktop medibang was so hard to get used to bc i genuinely just didnt understand the software#was anyone gonna tell me you can move the red square to move your view... i've been using the scroll bars this whole time#WAS ANYONE GONNA TELL ME I FORGOT MY FUCKING PEN CORRECTION-#NO WONDER MY LINES FOR THIS SKETCH WERE SO SHAKY KGJFHG#also i forgot to fix the anti-aliasing so umm just pretend this is pixels like usual ok.. i couldnt tell#i dont have my glasses on and the screen is juuuuust a bit blurry anyways. didnt notice till i zoomed in to do his eye </3#yay doodle <3 i love coloring on this thing it's so fun#awa#umm im gonna leave this nonrebloggable for now bc i feel nervous for some reason#might change it later bc this was really fun
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for kart request, can we get more disabled!bart and kon?
!!!! them!!!!!!
uhm,,,,,,,then also i fucked up the download of this drawing so ;;
I DREW THE OUTFITS SLUGGY DREW THEM IN BC THE DRAWING IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AKSJFHSJKDGHFJA
#my neck is rlly starting 2 hurt & i personally dont rlly like these dawings vry muchsa kjfhjdsf#i might redraw them!#but i hope u like them :3#kart#karttent#puppee art#puppee answers#im going 2 go 2 bed them mayb prolly uh redraw them yeah#especially the wheelchair bc I RLLYYY sucked#1st time drawing 1! i think he would use it when hes RLLY losing his balance yk?#wayne tech can buy it 4 him#also give him boosters#also like theres n edcoratiojn i defeinatly should do that#kinda having an off drawing day but weeeeee#srry this isnt EXACTLY what i think u wanted or thought 2 seeee#aaaaaa#when i draw bart fullbody now i usually give him some sort of disability bc of his knee#i wanna draw amputee'd leg bc uhhhhh bc like what if yk? what if they couldnt save his leg?#so im vry vry like#i just need 2 sit down & draw it!!!!#ok i need 2 stop rambling sdkjhfkjasl
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Ok so apparently it's not normal that whenever someone goes to a restaurant and I'm with them, I expect them to get just themselves food and then we leave. Like if you get me food or ask if I want anything I will in fact look at you like you're a stranger who just walked up and offered me a 100 dollar bill
#what can i say im just used to getting nothing#both my parents and my older sisters would go to get food and basically never get me anything#if i did get anything it also wasnt 'what do you want' it was 'heres what im getting you youre welcome'#lol and i was okay with that? guys. guys am i supposed to raise my standards#is this like. am i not respecting myself enough#like this is me having gottwn much better too. i used to be even worse#if i went to your house and you let me sleep on something that wasnt the floor i would stare at yoy in shock#i was mentally incapable of comprehending that i could get whatever i wanted off of a menu#one time my friends mom actually yelled at me because she took me to dunk8n donuts and asked what i wanted#and i froze up so bad that i just couldnt say anything because i didnt know what she meant#i was like 'oh you dont need to get me anything' 😭😭 and she INSISTED she had to get me something#for context i mustve been like 9 and i had NEVER had anyone ask my what i wanted before#i also was so prepared to just skip breakfast due to the anxiety of this situation#turns out having kids skip breakfast is also not super normal? me and my sisters usually wouldnt eat breakfast#especially on sunday mornings before church because there was snacks there
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so. i've had an idea for a warrior cats fanfiction story, and have spent the last few years hammering out characters, the clans, how they work, the story... a whole lot of stuff. i've tried writing it before, and right now i don't have a current draft of early chapters, but I did recently write out a scene from much later in the story, and i'm pretty happy with it, soooo... here! a warrior cats fic scene i wrote in like an hour a week ago
By the time she led ShadeClan to the Gathering site, Emberstar felt her anxieties lessen. Her foreleg ached from the effort of the journey, but she kept her head high. Beside her, Acornfall glanced back at their clan, then nodded over to Emberstar. He led the clan down into the Gathering hollow, and Emberstar padded over to the slope up to the leader’s perch. PineClan and CliffClan cats were already quietly milling about in the hollow, and up on the overhang she could see Lakestar and Wolfstar waiting. There was no MoorClan scent among the gathered cats.
Emberstar made her way up the slope she’d seen Gorsestar and Froststar before her traverse. It was a thin path, slowly becoming steeper and steeper as she slunk closer to the overhang, finally reaching the steep, gravelly slope that led up to the leaders’ perch. Down at the base of the cliff, she could see Acornfall joining the other deputies with a polite nod of his head, and Troutfoot was carefully weaving her way through the crowd to meet with the other healers. Emberstar twitched her whiskers when Lakestar and Wolfstar noticed her. She crouched and tensed her back legs and leapt up the slope.
It wasn’t enough to reach the top, but she reached out with her forepaw and sunk her claws into the loose gravel and dug her back paws into the ground to keep from slithering back down. She slowly inched forward, moving a kittenstep at a time, but she kept her eyes fixed on the other leaders, more determined than ashamed of herself. Emberstar forced herself up the slope, but her heart skipped a beat when the gravel under her paw proved too loose to get a good enough grip- so close to the top, too. What a shame she had no other forepaw to lash out and find a grip with.
Emberstar felt herself begin to slide back down the slope, but a pair of jaws grasped her by the scruff and hoisted her up onto the overhang. She clawed at the grass and stumbled a step when let go and turned to meet Wolfstar’s amused gaze. “Careful there, three-paw,” the CliffClan leader gruffly purred. “It’s bad luck to fall at your first Gathering as leader.” She brushed past Emberstar to sit back down next to Lakestar.
With a huff, Emberstar followed her with a shake of her pelt. “I appreciate your help, but I would have been fine on my own. I suppose I owe you now?”
Wolfstar’s whiskers twitched. “Are you saying ShadeClan is now in CliffClan’s debt?”
The young leaders stared at each other, then broke out into amused purrs. Lakestar rolled her eyes and wrapped her tail around her paws. “So, you are ShadeClan’s leader now, Emberstar? Or is it still Emberblaze?”
“It is Emberstar now. I visited the Moon Cavern for my lives only a few sunrises ago.”
“May StarClan light your path as leader, then.” Lakestar stiffly dipped her head. Despite the brusque words, there was genuine respect in her pale eyes.
Wolfstar’s own eyes were still bright with humor. “You’ll be great, I know it. What happened to Froststar, then?”
Emberstar narrowed her eyes and turned her gaze to the gathered cats. “I’ll explain that once the Gathering begins. MoorClan is late tonight.” She surveyed the crowd of cats, peering straight down at the huddled healers. Sitting with her back to her PineClan clanmates, Flarelight was sitting close to Troutfrost. After a moment, she gazed up at the overhang, and her eyes met Emberstar’s. Her eyes grew wide and she stared at her littermate for a long moment until another healer got her attention. Then, as if she’d seen nothing, Flarelight flicked her tail and joined the conversation. Her twitching tail-tip was the only hint that she was distracted. Emberstar blinked. She’d become leader so recently that not even the other healers knew, much less the other clans’ warriors. In the crowd of CliffClan cats, she spotted Sunscorch, sitting with his fur brushing Moonwhisper’s, his eyes wide and his body stiff while he stared at his sister up on the overhang.
Poor Sunscorch, so softhearted under those honed claws and strong limbs- he was likely to take the news of Froststar’s death the hardest. Emberstar held his gaze, blinked slowly, and turned her head to the sky. The moon was nearly overhead, and still MoorClan was absent.
“You ought to start the Gathering now,” Wolfstar growled to Lakestar. “It’s newleaf, after all, and if MoorClan’s late then they’re late.”
“We should wait,” Emberstar sharply mewed. “This is my first Gathering as leader, so it would be disrespectful to me as well as MoorClan if we begin without them. It may anger StarClan as well,” she finished in a murmur, flicking her tail-tip up at the sky. Wolfstar just bushed out her stormy gray fur and huffed.
Lakestar gazed up at the sky. Emberstar looked over at her. For so long, as an apprentice, as a warrior, as the deputy, she’d never dared to be so close to the cold PineClan leader. But now, she was barely a tail-length from the sleek silver tabby, and they sat as equals in standing. Lakestar was likely at less than nine lives and Emberstar was without a right foreleg, but they were equals nonetheless.
She was knocked from her thoughts by Wolfstar headbutting her. The larger cat nearly shoved her off-balance. “Glad to see that we’re both finally up here. I was waiting to see when you’d catch up, three-paw.”
Emberstar licked Wolfstar’s ear. “You know I must take things slower than you.”
“Who’d you pick as deputy?” Wolfstar leaned over the edge to inspect the group of deputies. “Hm- Acornfall?”
“He’s a good warrior. Older than me by four seasons, so I trust his advice and his skill.”
“I thought you would have picked Lavenderflash. Or maybe Darknose, you two always seemed close.”
Emberstar gazed down at Lavenderflash, spotting the pure-black molly quickly- she was almost certain there was obvious fondness in her eyes as she looked at her former apprentice. “Lavenderflash is… young and still training her first apprentice. She is a good, loyal warrior, but not fit to be deputy or eventual leader in my mind. And Darknose…” The tom was sitting at the edge of the crowd, alone. “He is a possibility, but he still mourns his brother even all these moons later, so I don’t know if he would be the best choice.”
Wolfstar made a sniff of approval, then her gaze snapped to the far hill. A yowl rang out, and the three leaders pricked their ears and the cats in the hollow turned to see MoorClan finally arrive, led by Applestar. Emberstar sat stiffly until she spotted Glowflame in the crowd, side-by-side with Orangeclaw. He joined the cats in the hollow with his clan while Applestar broke off to climb up to the overhang, and he seemed to murmur something to Orangeclaw before she angled her ears up at Emberstar. Glowflame looked up and spotted her, and his jaw dropped open. Emberstar couldn’t help but let out a purr of affection for her brother as he gaped in amazement at her.
Applestar greeted the other leaders when he finally joined them, nodding briefly at Emberstar, and hurriedly sat down next to Lakestar, his mottled fur standing up along his spine. The leaders gave the cats in the hollow a few moments to settle down. In that time, Emberstar saw her littermates make their ways through the crowd towards each other. By the time Lakestar threw back her head and yowled to signify the beginning of the Gathering, Flarelight, Sunscorch, and Glowflame sat huddled together with their eyes trained on their sister. Emberstar met their gazes for just a heartbeat and felt the final icicles of her anxiety melt away.
She then turned her head to watch Lakestar as she began to announce her clan’s news for the moon, and reminded herself of what she had to announce when it was her turn. She was ShadeClan’s leader, now. StarClan had approved of her. Emberstar lifted her chin and, with a deep breath, finally settled into her place at the head of her clan.
#woe warrior cats fanfiction be upon ye#my writing#fanfiction#warrior cats#hmmm...#waywardsalt's warrior cats#yeahhhh#anyways a few things abt this related specifically to whats in here#emberstar and wolfstar are not in any kind of relationship theyre just longtime friends n rivals tho at some point wolfstar had a crush#emberstar is meant to be aro/ace and otherwise has no interest in taking a mate at all but she loves her clanmates#glowflame and orangeclaw are mates and sunscorch and moonwhisper are mates idk if flarelight will be in a relationship#the map for this fic (clan territories and camp layouts and moon cavern/gathering spot) is based on a minecraft world i have its v helpful#i have a full alliances list for the living cats at the very beginning of the story but it lacks cats outside the clan bc uhhhh i dont#think there are too many that are present that early and also loners arent usually a big thing its mostly cats passing through#emberstar is mostly dark ginger and black flarelight is mostly just dark ginger sunscorch is gold/yellow and glowflame is yellow and white#all four of them have ice blue eyes and black ear tips i am getting funky with cat designs i do not care. they have teh most unique designs#calling med cats healers bc of. reasons you may know why. and she cats are mollies bc like. why not#emberstar is a tripod cat she is missing a foreleg and she is the primary primary protag she is the most frequent pov#so i have thought a lot abt how she would need to be trained and assessed differently and what she cannot do and how she does warrior dutie#ember flare sun and glow all grew up together but separated into the different clans for Reasons ember stayed in shadeclan bc she was deput#it was also for those Reasons but dw abt it. sunscorch is gay glowflame is bi flarelight is a lesbian#gorsestar and froststar (the previous shadeclan leaders emberstar thinks of) were both mollies and were mates. frost mentored emberstar#its a little bit of nepotism but ember was frost's like. third deputy so its whatever. i picked acornfall as deputy as a placeholder#and bc i couldnt fucking remember anyone else except nobodies in shadeclan but now that i think about it he's actually a good choice#aaaand emberstar is my oldest warrior cats rp character shes been with me a long time- second oldest is sunscorch#emberstar began as emberheart and sunscorch was an edgy murder rogue named sun i roleplayed them in a specific mc server
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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#my mom n dad#im not tryna be the mediator that gets them to communicate#when its very obvious my moms still upset n my dads like We already resolved this and goes back to watching tv#i just went upstairs i hate being put in that position m#i couldnt do it this time usually i would but i just dont have the energy 2 fix this
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...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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i try not to let it get to me but the knowledge i am always going to be The Stupid One in every situation i’m in just…really, really sucks. sigh. oh well. i stay silly :3c
#cant even blame it on being audhd because everyone else i know who is#is smart and talented and their brains work alright 😭 i'm just stupid and incapable#i feel like i’m the only person out there who does not get to experience any of the benefits or joys of these things#for me it is nothing but brain damage and endless suffering with no brightside or intelligence or anything#but then everyone tells me i’m the bad guy because if there was a magic button that would make me not audhd i would click it immediately#like why am i wrong for not wanting to suffer#everyone else seems to have a special interest or a fixation and they can remember information about those things but i...dont. i can't. LO#i do not experience the autistic joy everyone else talks about. i dont have the adhd focusing on what you like superpowers or whatever#my autism made me barely pass highschool and i couldnt handle community college and i had to drop out and i can barely handle having#an entry level job that everyone patronizes me about#i'm barely verbal and i am losing my ability to function to brainfog and everyone around me treats me like i'm their little pet idiot#but wanting to change that about myself makes me evil and bad or something i guess#sorry to whine on tumblr like the good old days but twitter is sick of my shit LOL 😭#pmdd making me spiral worse than usual#one of those times where i'm realizing that if everyone else experiences these things totally different from me than maybe that was never#what was wrong with me in the first place lol. maybe i dont have an explanation and i'm back to being 10 15 19 24 sobbing wondering why im#like this. why i'm so stupid. not even in a self hating way in a legitimately proven way that i am functioning below average intelligence.#ok im done sorryyyyy god i forgot how good tumblr is to vent on#z
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i start intensive outpatient therapy on tuesday and i could not be more upset lmao. i know its going to be good for me overall but i cant think of something i want to do less than that sjshdhdh. ALSO it runs all the way up until my birthday with my birthday being my last day (unless i get discharged early) which is just.... no good.
#its 3 hours a day 4x a week#for four weeks#😭#im going to krill myself fr i dont wanna goooooo#what do you mean i have to go sit with strangers almost every day and leave my house.....#the intake nurse also said a lot of shit about my psychosis that makes me nervous#like implying that bpd cant cause psychosis and that their program usually prohibits ppl w psychosis#and mentioned that if i show any symptoms of psychosis she couldnt ethically allow me to be around the group????#so id either be discharged or warded against my consent depending on symptoms#and she kept. mentioning that if i showed ANY SIGNS she would ward me or kick me out like#made comments to that degree like 3 times#where im like 🤨#maam let me be insane. let me cook please my psychotic nature is the least of my issues sjshdhdhd#anyways im not a happy camper about this but.#on a positive note my friends got a minecraft realm thanks to our one friend being VERY GENEROUS and buying us one??!#and so ive spent like. many days now just playing minecraft with everyone on vc for hours and its so funnnnn#no therapy just minecraft 😠#my post
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kind of annoyed at my friend :/
#ok so at the cafe at my school theyre having an event thats basically come play board games#and she texted the discord yesterday and said 'who wants to go to this?' and i said yes! i would!#and so i checked in with her bc its this afternoon like do you still want to go? what time should we go ?#bear in mind that she is the one who INVITED evwryone#and she said she has too much work#and i knoww i shouldnt like judge how much work she has but like she had only one class today.#couldnt she have done more of her work earlier considering that she MADE PLANS?????#and i really wanted to go to it i miss playing board games bc usually the only games i can play at school are. uno & cards against humanity#but im from a family who likes weird games my dad finds on Kickstarter (this is a lie only my dad and i play them. my sister and i refuse)#and i only get to play my weird kickstarter games at home!#not that i think theyll have weird kickstarter games :/ but at least itll be VARIETY!!!#SORRY i dont actually like uno and cards against humanity that much. but i need to play something else#i brought fluxx this semester but no one will play it bc they all wanted to play uno and cah first and by the end of those we were tired#they were done to death by like senior year of high school bc theyre the ONLY games anyone will play!!!!#and its honestly an effort to even laugh at any cah jokes at this point . sorry theyre so rarely funny.#and i feel bad bc i have one friend who laughs really easily and so they crack up and im just sitting there like . a corpse#talkin
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and at my grans house on the coffee table there was this little thing full of like gel or like. idk imbut it was suqishy and i loved to pick at that thang i always got in trouble but id poke it at Least once every year
#the sitting on big boxes of pop is integral#they werent like the skinny ones they were the big like. 32? i think 32 i might be wrong#im trying to think. maybe 48 bc i think it was 4 rows of 6 and then it was 2 layers#idk what sizes they sell pop in despite living in a house of caffeine addicts i donot drink pop#rhats a fun fact r u guys aware of that ive probably mentioned. i like almost exclusively drink water esp when i was a kid#i drink pop like. maybe once every 3 months and i usually cant drink a full can bc it makes me nauseous and my stomach hurts#but i drink it very very rarely bc sometimes i just want to taste it bc i dont drink anything carbonated so sometimes the novelty is fun#but then i have to go to lamp and let them finish it and its always funny bc every time i say Im gonna drink a pop theyre like no you arent#and then i crawl back to them like I couldnt finish the pop .... and they laugh at me#it was rly funny when i was a kid bc ill tell you one thing abt growing up in ky and other places probably but i grew up in ky so im#peaking for myself from personal experience. literally nobody ever will bring water to a birthday party or anything it is ONLY pop . or bee#if its a grownup party#so my granny every single time it was one of my cousins bday parties would have to go out and buy me a bittled water so id have something t#drink bc all ppl would bring would be like 18 2 liters of pop NDNTJGNGNG#and even today the baby cousins we were at the 4th and they were drinking pop and they were like Wheres your pop connor .. and i went to#respond and then like everybody there went Connor doesnt drink pop . kind of funny. sry ....#disclaimer sry i do this everytime i reread a post i dont think drinking pop is a bad thing im not like A better person bc i dont drink pop#or bc i pretty much only drink water#it doesnt matter at all obviously . i called my family caffeine addicts bc they call themselves caffeine addicts so yes . i was not saying#that disparingly. ok love you
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obviously the solution to my knee pain is to scrunch up in a ball in my chair while hunched over taking notes. surely this will not exacerbate any ongoing problems
#someone amputate me or something jesus fuck#the tjing is. it hurts hut its like#a regular if slightly more intense amount of pain#u know the usual#its just#im so very annoyed by it rn#like jesus fuck leave me aloneeeeeeeee#i need to do my exercises or something#i need to become legless#im sure fish dont have these kinds of problems right?#does my knee pain count as chronic pain? it must right?#that was a non sequitor#that is not how you spell that hold on#ITS SPELLED SEQUITUR?#that looks so fucking fake omg#anyways. my point. is this considered a disability? i dont think so right? like yes the pain is chronic but im not like. bed bound?#i can do things#i mean i cant walk around for 8-10 hours but whos doing that anyways#this is relevant bc a job application i was filling out the other day was like list ur disabilities and had a lot of like things that i tech#technically have as examples and i was like??#like it listed asthma as a disability?? is that a disability??? i dont think so???????#i think it even listed knee pain too and i was like ? 🤔#id need to get a doctors order note thing or whatever if i was gonna declare my knee pain as a disability#which i would if i ever get a job that requires me to stand in one place#like when i was a sever/cashier whatever i couldnt bc i was moving around all the time#but i wouldve killed for a chair to sit on 😭#anyways#i forgot what i was talking abt#someone kneecap me immediately please#michi tag
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( So sick of being the only one who comes up with my sorts of fanfic ideas like wth... )
I saw this and , what Fanfic's do you Want Ideas for ?
I hope I can give you some Ideas (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
(ㆁωㆁ)
oh no i didnt mean like, i was lacking in ideas or anything! i have too many ideas actually im surrounded by plot bunnies which i follow down countless rabbit holes. i just meant like ridiculously over complicated plots with unique concepts that are long fics.... the only fandom ive seen do anything similar is the sans x reader dudes lmfao
#sophie speaks#sophie answers#i always come back to him#the appeal in the depressed lazy person who will also beat u into the ground and has a mysterious basement#i never beat sans... i just couldnt do it#anyways i just mean like. a lot of ppl have said what we want is the first time theyve seen something like mine which obviously#its still just an isekai at its core but like im playing w it ig?? idk#i guess im just tired of crossovers and stuff maybe?? those never really interest me which idk why i love lots of stuff#but whenever i like something i usually only like that ONE thing at that time#or like. the only long twst fic thats like polyam reverse harem etc etc whatever that i likes writing style is omegaverse like T_T#im too picky....... i dont read enough these days#not even fics i just dont have much like. brain. im always dissociated lol so its hard to concentrate#so finding stuff that i like is a struggle#which is why i write in the first place lmfao because i dont see the stuff i want out there#was almost not gonna post what we want because i thought like nobody would like it because romantic yan batfam is so unpopular#but people did! shocked#here we are ig#anyways i gotta go read through my writing from months ago wish me luck if uve read this far i fuckin need it man
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not my new co teacher being a literal high school meangirl tiktoker 😬
#she's just filling in thank goodness but she's worse than useless lol#i heard she was from the other classrooms she's usually in tho#she's kind of nice but she's literally sitting there on the phone or texting while she's supposed to be watching the kids#she was on the phone at naptime yesterday and i could not get her attention for my life to get her to settle one of the kids#bc i couldnt make noise and no amount of arm waving could penetrate the tiktok hypnosis she would not have looked my way if i died#phones are allowed at naptime but you still need to be aware of your surroundings and no calls but she did take a call too and was unaware#also she's constantly texting when the kids are awake?? i would get fired for that idk how she's getting away w it#but when ur watching 17 toddlers you're basically a lifeguard you're not supposed to take your eyes off them even to speak to other teachers#bc even with 3 or 4 teachers watching there's always something out of sight thats going to go wrong#its impossible to watch all of them#and they will get hurt#and thats when you're all focusing#also when she does witness unsafe behavior she doesnt move#she just sits there and says no dont do that#but doesnt physically remove the 1 year old who does not listen to verbal correction from the unsafe situation???#she just sits there and scolds them until another teacher intervenes physically every single time 😭#not once has a child stopped because she told them to#anyway#not to be a bitter adult shaking my fist at The Youth but she's so bad lol#i hate to be correcting her all the time so im letting her get away w stuff i would be executed for#and i did 3 of our 4 rounds of diapers yesterday bc she doesnt know how#she's nice to your face basically but she's really gossipy and mean abt others so you know she's speaking badly abt you too
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