#i certainly developed some complexes over that

[bredforloyalty]

21 is absolutely NOT the prime of ur life btw. ofc im not gonna sit here and tell you how to feel abt ur own life etc but pretty much no one has it figured out at 21, and you statistically have like 60 years left of ur life to do shit.

all that shit about your 30s being a shitty time of responsibility etc are either a. straight up lies or b. are coming from people who forced themselves into an ill fitting lifestyle bc it was what was expected of them.

you are likely not even a quarter of the way thru ur life there is still SO. MUCH. TIME. i swear. im abt to turn 26 and i definitely dont have shit figured out and my life kinda sucks right now actually but even so im still doing better than i was at 21 in a lot of ways. i know people and know of people who love their life and their "career" and whatever but didnt even start doing what theyre doing until like 30, 35, or older. my favorite director/writer didnt even make his first film until he was like 37. there is no time limit babey.

thank youuuu now on a cognitive level i know this but not actually like even though i am aware 21 (soon 22 btw but irrelevant) is very young, i just feel so. behind. in life !! and i think i am in a lot of ways, and not in the "career" way or like,, "doing something" is actually not what i'm worried about 😔 but regardless of what i'm worried about, it shouldn't be shameful to just be who i am right now so. i will try to push myself through these feelings (that inevitably arise from time to time) more quickly and elegantly. and remember that the things i wait for might still come because life is long. but also that i shouldn't spend my life waiting because there's a lot to do and feel and enjoy, other than whatever i don't have right now or whatever i am not yet

[createserenity]

Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship dynamic fascinates me and what fascinates me even more is how people perceive them, partly because I seem to have a much more optimistic view of their dynamic than a lot of what I read suggests they do.

With that in mind I started trying to unpick how I see their dynamic and why and what I ended up with was a series of rambles on various aspects, including confidence, trust, silliness and what they ask of each other. This one is about what they ask of each other and why their relationship isn't some weird one-sided thing where Crowley gives Aziraphale everything he could possibly want or ask for.

I see a lot of posts and things suggesting Crowley always rolls over and does anything Aziraphale asks of him. I don’t know to what extent most people really believe this or if it’s just a fun joke (and I’m not saying that’s bad, I think it’s a fun joke too, I love reading all that stuff and it makes me laugh). The point I wanted to make here though is that I don’t think it’s true and also why I don’t think it’s true.

Everything from here on out is my opinion, but I won’t keep stating that in order to make it more easily readable, just take it as a given. If your opinion is different that’s absolutely fine, I love that we can all see this stuff in different ways depending on our experiences and personalities, it’s why the fandom is so fun. (It’s also why my opinion on so many things in season two ricochets wildly from one theory to another).

So back to Crowley and Aziraphale – I don’t think Aziraphale walks all over Crowley, or certainly not to the extent that people sometimes think he does. Also Crowley doesn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to be walked all over anyway. Why is this even relevant? Because I’ve seen people say that in the final 15 minutes Aziraphale finally asked Crowley to do something that pushed him over the edge and that Aziraphale was shocked when Crowley didn’t roll over and do it because Crowley always does what Aziraphale asks. This isn’t at all true for a start, but also this view tends to include a second assumption, which is that their relationship is one-sided and Aziraphale never does anything for Crowley, that he dismisses him and takes him for granted, which also is not true in a lot of ways. I think it’s a fundamental misinterpretation of their relationship dynamic.  

First of all why can Crowley’s actions be interpreted as just rolling over and doing whatever Aziraphale wants? Well, the answer to that is three-fold – firstly Crowley is a genuinely unselfish in many ways, he does things for people because that’s the way he is, it doesn’t make him a pushover, it just makes him nice. Secondly he loves Aziraphale deeply. Whether he knows it or not doesn’t matter, he cares for Aziraphale and wants him to be happy. This isn’t the same as being a complete doormat, it’s simply compromising with the person you are in a relationship with and occasionally prioritising them over yourself. Both these things come together in the third thing, which is that Crowley’s love language is acts of service – he enjoys doing nice things for Aziraphale, he enjoys rescuing him, or going along with him and letting him have his own way, so why not do it? The point is he’s never railroaded into it by Aziraphale, it’s always a deliberate choice. He is literally saying, I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you.

How does Aziraphale see this behaviour?

Well that’s a tricky one, because in many ways Aziraphale is the more complex character, not least because he changes the most over the course of their history together. Is there a slight element of him taking Crowley for granted in some of their interactions, especially in season two? Possibly, but mostly I don’t think that’s it at all. When someone gives you things because their love language is acts of service you develop a (mostly sub-conscious) confidence in that relationship dynamic and if you also have confidence in yourself (which Aziraphale absolutely does – I’ll write more on this another time) then when you want something you ask for things. You ask not because you learn to expect, but because you think you’re worthy of asking and you think that your relationship is strong enough to stand up to the ask. I ask my husband for things all the time, sometimes they’re things I know he’ll give me – these are easy asks (I don’t just mean physical objects, I also mean acts of service such as helping me with something), sometimes though I’ll ask for things knowing he probably won’t give me that thing or without having a clue what his answer will be – these are harder asks, the sort you don’t do early on in relationships because they might break it either in one go or over time. Sometimes a hard ask results in me getting what I want, sometimes it results in a bit of back and forth before I get what I want, sometimes I get a no and I’m temporarily annoyed or upset, sometimes I get a no and I accept it because I knew it was the most likely outcome.

The point is that I ask, and so does Aziraphale. You ask because you have confidence that you are worthy of the ask and also that your relationship is strong enough to bear the request, even if the answer is no. Can a no still be annoying or upsetting? Yes absolutely. Can a no still be wrong on the part of the other person? Also yes. The point is that sometimes the no isn’t wrong and it doesn’t necessarily break the relationship. By the time season two comes along Aziraphale is confident enough in his relationship with Crowley to feel it can bear the weight of him asking.

So what happens when he asks? Does Crowley roll over?

Well no, he doesn’t. One big example of this is right at the beginning of the series, in episode one. Here Aziraphale makes a massive ask of Crowley and he knows it’s a big ask. Even before he tells Crowley what the problem is he’s aware of the possibility of a no. “Is it something I can help you with?” Crowley sayss, and Aziraphale merely shrugs. It’s not because Nina is there, she’s gone by that point. It’s also not because he doesn’t have faith in Crowley’s ability to help him, he always has faith in Crowley’s abilities (this is a whole other thing on trust). What he’s doubting is whether Crowley will help him. It’s why they’re meeting in the café, not the bookshop. He wants to break this one to Crowley a bit at a time – there’s a problem and I need help. I want your help, it’s why I called you, but you aren’t going to like it and I’m not even sure whether you will help so I’m establishing that I need help first, rather than showing you Gabriel immediately, so that you aren’t completely surprised when I present the whole problem to you.

Once they go to the bookshop and Crowley is confronted with Gabriel he offers the help he feels able to give by saying that he’ll drive Gabriel somewhere and dump him. He’s stating his willingness to help (which is important later), but for now he’ll only help in one specific way. What he isn’t willing to do is any more than that, not even for Aziraphale.

Help me take care of Gabriel. Help me sort this mess out, Aziraphale says, and what does Crowley say? No. Absolutely not. You’re on your own with this one. Even after Aziraphale practically begs him for help, complete with puppy dog eyes and the magic word, “I’d love you to help me,” Crowley still says no. That is not the reply of someone who lets themselves be walked all over or who rolls over every time the angel they’re in love with flutters their eyelashes.

Okay so what about the fact that he returns? Well, the stakes have been raised: for a start Aziraphale is now directly in danger, which alters the balance in favour of helping him, and remember he was already willing to help, he said as much, but he was previously only willing to help in one way. Now that’s changed. Doing things you wouldn’t normally do for someone you love when the stakes are raised is a perfectly normal rection in a relationship and does not indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Crowley has now realised that getting rid of Gabriel is no longer an option - his preferred plan (dumping Gabriel somewhere) will no longer work, so the only choice is now Aziraphale’s plan of keeping him in the bookshop and taking care of him.

This is why he returns.

A quick note on the call

Just backtracking a bit here – when Aziraphale calls Crowley to ask him for help Crowley agrees to be over in two minutes. It’s instant, no questions asked and at first glance looks like Aziraphale calls and Crowley comes running just because. But nope. Later we are very clearly told that Crowley knows something is wrong the moment he picks up the phone and Aziraphale starts speaking, “This was your ‘Something’s Wrong’ voice.” Crowley already knows there’s a problem and what do you do when your closest friend calls you and tells you about a problem? You try to help. Whether that’s advice, comfort, physically going around to help out or whatever the situation calls for. Of course Crowley says he’ll be there in two minutes, he doesn’t exactly have anything else on and his friend has just indirectly told him something is wrong. He’d be a pretty shitty person/entity if he didn’t agree to drop round and try to help.

So what about the 'I was wrong' dance?

This whole interaction, that many people say indicates how under the thumb he is actually shows us the exact opposite. What’s the first thing Crowley says when Aziraphale asks him to do the dance? “I don’t do the dance.” This tells us a hell of a lot about their relationship dynamic up to this point – for a start Aziraphale has clearly done the dance before, at Crowley’s request, and he lists off the occasions. The dance is silly and slightly demeaning and Aziraphale has done it several times for Crowley, whilst Crowley has never done it, yet somehow we read this whole scene as Crowley being the whipped one? Um. No. Also heavily implied in Crowley’s, “I don’t do the dance” statement is, You’ve asked me to do this before, I’ve always said no because I don’t want to. You’ve always accepted my no before and I want (expect!) you to accept it this time.

But this time Aziraphale doesn’t accept the no. Just like Crowley wouldn’t go along with his plan earlier, Aziraphale now won’t go along with Crowley’s no. Clearly he has done so in the past, but this time their dynamics are different. They’ve been much more open about their friendship for the past four years, they’ve both accepted that they are at least close friends, if not more. They’ve saved the world together and saved each other. They both acknowledge they “carved (this existence) out for ourselves” and that brings strength to their relationship. Now that Aziraphale has more confidence in what they are to each other, he takes that confidence and tests the limits of what Crowley will do for him, to push them more towards equality. Why should he always be the one to do the dance? Crowley responds by acquiescing not because he would just roll over and do anything for Aziraphale but because he recognises three things. Firstly that Aziraphale is pushing and that this is new and that this means something to him in the context of their relationship, secondly because he reluctantly accepts Aziraphale’s point that it isn’t really fair that he never does it, and finally because the request for him to do the dance isn’t about him refusing to help (Aziraphale was never certain he would), it’s about the fact that he’s broken Aziraphale’s trust by refusing to help (which is a slightly and very subtly different thing). To illustrate this, right before Crowley does the dance, just after he says “fine,” he gets this very brief, soft look on his face – this is him acknowledging to himself that Aziraphale deserves this dance, that he loves the angel and that he’s doing this because of both those things – he could have continued to insist on a no, he clearly has before, but this time he chooses not to.

I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you.

All right, what about the car thing?

What about it? Lending your car to the person you love is very normal. Ok so the car means more to Crowley than a normal car does to us, but the point still stands. Aziraphale is making a reasonable request here. Does he expect a yes? Absolutely, because he also knows it’s a reasonable request given where their relationship is. Does he flirt to get his own way? Hell, yes. Does Crowley know exactly what Aziraphale is playing at? Also a hell yes. And Crowley totally plays up to it, he’s not as opposed to it as he claims. He’s playing up his “no” and his grumpiness for effect, to encourage Aziraphale’s silly flirtiness. Look at the difference between this no and the no he gave Aziraphale earlier. There’s no anger here, there’s no real sense that he thinks Aziraphale is asking too much, he’s playing a role in their relationship and they’ve both played this game before. Look at that little slap of the hand, which Aziraphale responds to equally playfully. The game even continues after Muriel turns up at the shop, when it’s already quite clear that Crowley is going to let Aziraphale use the car (he’s already taking the plants out). Even in the back-room Crowley still teasingly grumbles about trains whilst Aziraphale smiles flirtily, and Crowley playfully withholds the car keys when Muriel interrupts them. They both know Aziraphale is going to end up with them, there’s no point to him not directly handing them over in spite of the interruption, it’s just an excuse to tease Aziraphale back. I mean, look at him – he spends the rest of the conversation wiggling his hips, grinning smugly and confidently handling the Muriel problem by talking about love. Aziraphale’s very overt reaction tells you all you need to know about the dynamic of this one.

Two can play at this flirting game, angel.

But he follows him around like a little puppy!

Well, yes and no. Sure he follows him around whilst he goes around asking all the shopkeepers to the meeting, but he does that because it’s fun for him. He’s curious, Aziraphale is acting oddly, doing something he’s never done before and Crowley wants to know what it is. He’s always found him fascinating – what silly and ridiculous thing is the angel up to now?

Also wanting to hang out with the person you are in love with isn’t at all strange or a sign you are in some sort of weird relationship where only one of you calls the shots. It’s normal. Crowley knows Aziraphale has a tendency to be silly or do unexpected things and he wants to watch him do them and also flirt with him whilst he’s doing them. Looking grumpy and reacting to Aziraphale’s silliness with disbelief is how Crowley flirts-without-flirting. Both of them know, understand and like that dynamic, and he has that role not because he’s unhealthy levels enthralled with everything Aziraphale does but because of the levels of trust they have spent millennia establishing.

What Crowley doesn’t do is wait around for Aziraphale. Look at the scene where Aziraphale daydreams about Job. In that scene he’s aware Aziraphale has something else to show him (the record clue), but he doesn’t stick around whilst Aziraphale ignores him. He could have sat down somewhere in the shop and waited – he’s got an eternity, waiting an hour or so is no big deal, but waiting around like that would suggest he really is a doormat, just waiting for the next time Aziraphale shows him any attention. He doesn’t do that, instead he goes off and does… well, something. There’s a lot of speculation over what it is, but whether he goes off to read Pride and Prejudice or just wanders off to find something more interesting to look at than the back of Aziraphale’s head, he’s clearly saying here that he has a life outside of whatever Aziraphale wants to do.

Also side note - you know what else he doesn’t do for Aziraphale? Adjust his driving style. Aziraphale clearly hates it, it makes him nervous and he even asks Crowley to change several times whilst they’re in the car together, but Crowley never does. This is how I am angel, accept it or don’t, but this is the line and I’m not changing this for you. Related to this is his refusal to accept Aziraphale altering the Bentley. Aziraphale tries to persuade him, “But it’s pretty,” and Crowley really isn’t having it. It’s another hard line and he’s not going to let Aziraphale cross it.

Anything else?

There’s a few other examples that I’ve seen listed in the, “Crowley does whatever Aziraphale says/wants” evidence piles. Things like Aziraphale assuming he’s going to get the drinks in the pub. Well, someone has to get them, and it makes perfect sense that they both assume it’s Crowley here because he’s the one more comfortable with pubs. Having a role that you take on within certain situations in a relationship is healthy and normal, imagine how exhausting it would be to debate who is going to do every little thing all of the time.

In the first series the coat cleaning is another example often cited, but this is something Crowley is perfectly happy to do. Aziraphale is flirting, which is delightful, and he’s not being asked to do anything difficult or dangerous. I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you, which is totally different from, you always ask, I always give, and you always take.

What about Aziraphale. When does he give?

All the damn time. We just don’t notice it as much because Crowley asks different things of him. His love language is acts of service towards others, but he doesn’t really ask or require them in return. Sometimes he gets them from Aziraphale anyway (Holy water anyone?) Also notably in the Globe Theatre when he’s clearly the one pushing the Arrangement, and Aziraphale more or less agrees to do his work for him (“That doesn’t sound like hard work”) even before he’s asked, before they’ve gone through their little dance of Crowley pushing and Aziraphale supposedly-reluctantly agreeing.

The other things Aziraphale gives Crowley are much more nuanced, and much less measurable to us as the audience, but he gives them constantly, or more or less constantly, throughout their relationship. He gives him acceptance (although he occasionally partially withdraws it, such as in the bandstand scene), his silliness (which is more important than it first appears), a safe space (not just the bookshop, but also a safe space for Crowley to air his real views without fear of consequence, which is important irrespective of whether or not he persuades Aziraphale to agree with him), his physicality (by 1826 he’s really in Crowley’s space so much of the time) and most importantly he gives Crowley himself. Crowley constantly pushes Aziraphale to grow as a person, it’s one of the original reasons he entertains developing a friendship with him. What he asks of Aziraphale is for Aziraphale to think – really think – about what he believes. And Aziraphale does so, but only for Crowley. Humans have constantly questioned religious beliefs throughout history, they’ve written books, made speeches and even had wars over religious doctrine and the problems, inconsistencies and absurdities within it. Crowley is saying nothing to Aziraphale that he won’t already have indirectly heard from humans and dismissed or ignored. But when Crowley says it, he thinks and he changes. That’s what Crowley asks of Aziraphale and it’s what Aziraphale gives him.

What was the point of all this waffle?

Well, honestly there isn’t much of one. Only that their relationship is much more balanced than some suggest and I think I just wanted to spell that out. It also has an implication for the final 15 minutes. There’s no way Aziraphale goes into that with some sort of fake confidence that he can persuade Crowley to follow him to heaven simply because Crowley always follows him ��� Crowley doesn’t, he has very clear limits that he enforces with Aziraphale and Aziraphale knows this. He might feel confident for other reasons (such as thinking Crowley will be happy to be an angel again) or something else entirely different might be happening (so many theories!) but I’m pretty sure it’s nothing to do with thinking Crowley always does what he asks, because he very clearly doesn’t.

It's also why Crowley waits around afterwards to watch Aziraphale leave. It’s a way indirectly of saying one final time, I love you and I enjoy making you happy… but this is something I cannot give to you.

[lookingforcactus]

Just finished Veilguard and I mostly enjoyed it but am also frustrated with the unrealized potential, and part of that is that there's just not much story there, especially compared to Inquisition.

Story not in the general sense but in the technical writerly sense of "how much actual plot is there to go through/how much change (of whatever kind) happens narratively over the course of the game.

Of course this makes sense what with the game going through development hell and having to restart several times and oh yeah being like 50 hours shorter than Inquisition...

cough but I digress

Anyway some story options (and especially choices that MEAN SOMETHING) that I would have loved to see in a world where Veilguard actually built on the games that came before it:

Solas still has agents and minions and spies. Why tf did they get rid of those. I mean that's a rhetorical question, as I assume they just didn't have TIME (or approval, cough) for that kind of complexity

Solas is not trapped in Fade prison. That just felt like a kind of heavy-handed excuse to avoid said complexity and have to write less convoluted of a plot

Elgern'an and Ghilan'nain still get out and you've still got a (wayyyy more precarious, because he's still acting in the world) enemy-of-my-enemy deal with Solas. Or maybe there's a lot of plot before you can prove to him that you're even worth having a precarious enemy-of-my-enemy deal with. That would be interesting and make it feel like "earning the respect of the Dread Wolf" is something you actually EARN and not just the result of a couple of dialogue options.

Relatedly, Cyrian is working for Solas, not Anaris. Which I think may actually be the original intent of Cyrian's character, because genius Dalish elven siblings where one is working for the Veilguard and one is working for Solas is just so much juicier and more interesting in every way than the stuff that happened with Anaris and went literally nowhere

Different plot for Varric. Actually would be a lot more narratively heavy to let Solas kill him and let the player/Rook know about it from the beginning. In order to signal "Oh shit this is serious" and to give a lot more narrative tension to the question of whether you should even try to save Solas from himself (which imho should be a big ongoing source of tension, and it's unfortunate in Veilguard that it's mostly not)

That DOESN'T mean no blood magic, though. Instead, consider: Rook didn't shed blood at the ritual site, but Neve or Harding (whoever you pick to knock down the statue with you) still did. One of the big questlines then becomes that there's a spy inside the Veilguard, because Solas is getting intel he shouldn't have, and you have to figure out who. Eventually it's revealed to be Neve or Harding acting unknowingly under blood magic, which also gives some nice consequences to making that choice at the beginning, besides "Oh one of them now has a facial scar." (This is honestly where I thought that plot was going for a while, and it would have been cool. Also lets you have some very interesting themes around Solas and control/slavery/blood magic/hypocrisy)

Speaking of spying, you should have a spymaster, even if you want to keep the core organization small to avoid spies you should still have agents and a spymaster, why in the world would you not have one given that your enemy certainly does. This opens up a lot of Plot and Story as well.

Anyway I think it would have been really cool to let players choose to recruit the Iron Bull as spymaster if he didn't betray you in Trespasser, or Leliana if she didn't become Divine. After all they're both experienced spies and even better actually know Solas which is a big tactical (and story advantage). If neither of those are available, new OC time

Also, more Dorian involvement! Dorian as another advisor in addition to Bull (if you get him, or a new OC if you don't). Also then you get Dorian/Iron Bull stuff going on if neither of them was romanced by the Inquisitor, which would be super fun. Are they extremely married or old flames or extremely divorced? Lots of fun options.

Also you SHOULD get to go to a big fancy political party in Minrathous the same way you do in Val Royeaux in Inquisition. This should be related to Dorian's plotline and also anti-slavery stuff, because holy fucking shit did the game decide to gloss over that completely. You could get a lot of story out of Dorian and the Shadow Dragons as people who actually go around freeing people from slavery and shit!! Especially given Solas's history!! Why is this not a huge theme???

Lots of blood magic at the Tevinter party, also, because blood magic should be a lot more plot-relevant imho??? Especially considering how all-encompassing/powerful we see it as in Aelia's plotline, etc.?? Maybe there's a Venatori coup to use blood magic to control the Archon. (You should also get to MEET the Archon.) Maybe Dorian or Rook/the Veilguard gets framed for using blood magic to murder a bunch of important people. Like there's a lot of possibilities.

Speaking of controlling people...the Inquisitor is still running the fight in the south, with a couple of cameos....

UNLESS you had the Inquisitor drink from the Well of Sorrows, in which case they should be forced to act as one of Solas's main lieutenants, because that would be cool and messed up as shit, and that plotline should have some consequences

Relatedly the ancient elves are still around sleeping/frozen in pockets and Solas is waking them up and recruiting them. Lets you have a cool compromise ending where Solas stops tearing down the Veil but DOES still bring back what remains of his people, into modern Thedas - a whole new world

And in terms of ancients, the Titan magic plot actually goes somewhere besides "Harding has stone powers." Maybe Solas is trying to recruit dwarves by saying he'll end the oppressive power of humans over everyone (just you know...with a lot of secret collateral damage...) and Harding has to expose him? Maybe somehow the Titans' essences/magic get weaponized to match Solas's power, in a big thematic loop of his own past misdeeds coming for him once again?

Which makes a great part of a big thematic/plotline of how, in order to get Solas to stop voluntarily (which I agree should be a possibility but think should also maybe be a bit harder to manage than I think it is in the game rn?), you have to convince him that people who aren't ancient elves are all actually still people, and that still matters, and he may have done a lot of good once in fighting the slavery and tyranny of the rest of the evanuris, but he sure is acting a lot like them right now...because he's ultimately a product of that time and culture and not nearly so different as he wants to think

There's just a lot of possibilities for all of this that would have been a lot more clever and interesting. Especially if they hadn't super nice-ified the world.

You could have an actual thematic plotline about whether Solas is kind of right and a lot of stuff should be burned down - except of course that the realm he's trying to revive wasn't actually any better, and for all he claims to admit that, he's in denial about it himself too...

Anyway yeah I'm just having that writerly feeling where the wasted potential is actually kind of painful, so I wanted to dump some thoughts. Might write fanfic about some of this at some point but idk if there would be an audience. Thanks if you bothered to read this far at all lmao

[coffee-and-tea-time]

Lovesick! Doctor x Reader

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ You need a proper care, Dear ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

Hi, Coffee speaking! We both got a cold and I wanted to indulge a bit, I also got a little obsession with Lovesick! Wally ngl but I choose to start with the doctor expect me to write for a Lovesick! Patient soon

Hi, Tea speaking! We actually were also saying nonsense about humanized Pepsi (my favorite soda) and 7UP (Coffee's favorite) so yeah (why does my twin drool over a muppet?)

btw, this isn't edited due to Tea still being really sick, so do expect weird sentence structure/words or misspells, sorry in advance, just one twin absorbs all the intelligence in the womb and that was certainly not me/j

tw: this dude shouldn't be a doctor, yandere behavior, drugging, manipulation, kinda paranoia? , reader doesn't know anything is happening, written in you/yours (this is just fiction, I don't really know about medications I just research a bit to write this)

It was only a cold, you just need to go to the doctor to get the certificate and maybe some paracetamol and then leave, easy, isn't it?

As you walk in the hallways of the hospital you turn right, having a hard time trying to find yourself in this big hospital, but it seems like you were right, as you bump into a doctor, your doctor.

"dear? What are you doing here? Here is no place to wander off!"

The panic in his voice is easily noticeable, as if you walk into a horror movie and choose to separate from the group without telling anyone.

“I’m sorry doctor, I just got a little disoriented here and there and ended up here..”

You don’t really get why he reacted like that, it's a hospital anyway, the worst thing that could happen is that you enter into an operating room but there is always a sign on them… I think?

“huh, I see Anyways, don’t worry, it's just that there is no place to wander around, let me guide you towards the other floor again. I will take you in right away, is that cold of yours keep bothering?”

“Yeh, it’s seems like everyday it’s getting worse, I don’t think I could be outside of my house too much without getting a bit dizzy”

You started talking about your recent problems because of your stupid cold that doesn't seem to faze away, the path to his consultory felt shorter than you could remember but well, guess it’s normal that happens when you're focused on talking, isn't it? You choose to just blame your mind and take a seat in the neat room as the doctor talks.

“Seems like the symptoms are getting worse… too much slowly”

“I’m sorry doctor, what did you say? I didn’t really catch the last part”

You say rather chill than you should, the first part was about your cold being worse, isn't it? Well, that’s true, kinda makes you wonder if it really is a cold but not wanting to sound like a hypochondriac, plus, the doctor is peacefully researching something in one of his drawers although you can't really see his face since his back is turned to you.

“Oh, I was just commenting how you are having a really rough time, I was thinking about giving you a different medication before it gets even worse. I would rather if you sit for a little, like 15 to 20 minutes before leaving after taking it, I’m really worried about you, you look lost in thought, it’s doesn't really appear like you are here with me right now…”

Well, what he says is right, your mind seems all over the place these days, good for you to have such an attentive doctor. He hands you a pill and a glass of water.

“This is Benadryl, it's just an allergy medicine, but can give some sleepiness. I ask you to sit and wait because of that, isn’t a real problem feeling sleepy but I want to make sure it doesn’t trigger your dizziness. I change the medication because I think you can have more of an allergy than a cold due to your symptoms that are also not fading away and even getting stronger, you see, it’s normal to find allergies or develop them as you grow..."

As he keeps explaining complex things, you just wonder what to blame if it happens to be the cause of an allergy as you take the pill with the help of the water. You two keep talking peacefully, as you wait for the time to pass, it seems like the doctor was right in seeing it coming that you were gonna get kinda sleepy. Does this doctor not have any other appointment or something?

“Well, and that's about it, any questions?”

You started to feel more tired, your head felt heavy, but well, the doctor warned you about it, so you try to ignore it and wait for it to just pass.

“To be honest, yes, but this is more out of personal curiosity, what was the floor where I was earlier before you found me? It was really empty for a hospital…”

… Are you moving or are things in the room suddenly alive? You get a little surprised and try to stand up to check your own condition without thinking about it though. You feel like you lost your balance, as if all around you is spinning, the doctor is fast to come beside you, ready to grab you if you happen to fall.

“Don’t worry about it, you couldn't see any people because it's a floor for rather special inpatients we deal with. Focus on you now, what’s your name? How many fingers am I holding up?”

You try to fight to keep yourself awake, yet before you could answer his questions, your vision went dark and you finally lost consciousness.

". . ."

He holds you so tenderly, avoiding your unconscious head to get hit and end up with a contusion or something like that.

“Rohypnol is really quick to act, huh? Don’t worry Dear, I will make sure you won’t need to deal with stressful stuff from today on, that would get you here in the end anyways, I’m just avoiding you some pain…”

He gently kisses your forehead before notifying through the phone in the room that someone fainted and will require admission to the hospital.

sorry for any misspellings or weird sentence structure ❣

images from pinterest

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello Miss Raven!!!

First of all, I wanna tell you I'm a great fan of your work, it helps me understand better a world that I love, so please don't stop doing it!

Secondly, I wanna know if you know of the existence of the 34 pages long essay of L*ona and your opinion on it due to the love-hate relationship you have with him.

Thank you once again for all that you do and I hope you have a really great year!!!!!

AAaaAAAAaAHHhhhHHHH, thank you for your kind words!! I've had my ups and downs with this fandom, but for the most part I've enjoyed my time here and very much intend to stick around~ Before I get to my thoughts, I'd like to give credit to @/arledrone, who I believe is the owner and author of said 34-page L*ona document! Thanks for penning this all the way back in... what, 2022?? For us to rediscover and read now in 2025 ^^

First thing's first, the document is actually quite old, so obviously there's a lot of materials missing (the Savanaclaw manga, light novel, the completed book 6, all the book 7 content, the new and relevant events/cards/voice lines/vignettes that have come out since then, etc. I'm of the belief that we don't necessarily need to look at this, as the point of the document seems to be pointing out Leona's very slow growth (and sometimes regression back to his worst traits) over the course of the content that was avaliable up until the point of the document's publication.

I won't bore you by regurgitating everything in the document; I'll just point at some things I found notable!

For the most part, I agree with the broad strokes and general interpretations of how Leona's character is presented. He's very complex and you often have to look beyond what he's initially claiming because he has ulterior motives or intentionally tries to act tough to conceal his own insecurities and vulnerabilities. (However, I did find the document a little difficult to follow in the beginning because it kind of felt like meandering with no clear topic or order of topics being established, just several paragraphs of listing Leona's traits without giving concrete examples to back them up? I guess the examples were provided eventually... still, I feel the document could have been edited and condensed a bit. The flow improved considerably when we got into summarization of the vignettes, book 2, and events.)

OP made very similar points as myself, such as saying that Leona isn't specifically after the crown, but what the crown represents (though this conclusion is common among L*ona fans). I was pleasantly surprised to even see them proposing that how others view Leona negatively may even be self-imposed--I had suggested the same thing a few years ago, but haven't seen this idea (or this particular phrasing) gain traction. I think my favorite parts of the document were comparing and contrasting Leona's reactions to criticism (in his School Uniform vignette vs in Fairy Gala). Vil appears as a major point of contention in both and serves as an excellent obstacle to challenge the arrogant and hard-headed Leona. I've compared the two before, and I think that helps to explain why Vil and Leona so often clash. Vil's the perfect person to go toe-to-toe with Leona, call him out for his BS, and push him to "be better". Fans frequently complain about how it feels like the OB boys didn't change significantly following their books--but they have, and they are, you just have to be willing to do the work to dig it up because the main story alone is not sufficient. It's a subtle thing, 'blink and you'll miss it' moments. All the main story can do is tell you "Leona is now consistently training with his team" and, "Leona is now getting off his ass to pitch in with physical labor". Book 6 certainly did a good job of showing us his development, but a lot of it I wager is personal reflection, and that's not going to always be easy to spot of manifest in a tangible, easy-to-see way, especially given how little we interact with the guy directly. We should be more cognizant that character change can happen off-screen (ie not in the main story) and outside of the presence of Yuu, and is not automatic or done in huge leaps. I think I would have liked it if Leona's minor roles were also touched on, but I understand why they were left out. It's a lot of information to look through, and there was less value in events like Beans Day, Ghost Marriage, etc. compared to instances where he was far more proactive. I'd argue that the times where he doesn't feature as a main character serve to characterize him a lot as well (and thus have their value) though; he uses his cunning to find an "easy way" to victory (even if it ended up failing in the end), he gets competitive with Vil over something he doesn't even care about due to his deeply rooted superiority complex, etc.

That about summarizes my thoughts! Apologizes if it was short, it was tough to really comment on stuff since at that point I’d only be repeating what’s written in the document.

[cursedonyx]

A huge thank you to @islayhawkin for this ask, and my sincerest apologies for taking so long to get to it. Hope this is what you had in mind!

A Loving Hand

Ominis isn’t used to being touched, and his new girlfriend decides to show him just how nice it can be by giving him his very first proper cuddle.

Word Count: 3.9k

Warnings: None, just enough cotton candy fluffiness to put holes in your teeth. Everyone is in 7th year and 18 years old.

Ominis Gaunt had never considered himself a fortunate man. Even the circumstances of his birth were unfortunate, and things didn’t really improve from there.

That is, until he met her.

She had been a new student in her fifth year, and though Ominis preferred not to dwell on what had happened during the course of that annum, what with almost losing both his best (and only) friends and a man he considered to be closer to family than his own blood had ever been, despite his horrible temper, there was something that made it all worthwhile.

Ominis had, quite by accident, fallen in love with the new student. He wasn’t entirely sure when it happened, whether it was a gradual build up of attraction and emotions until it got too great to ignore, or whether it was a single moment in time where the stars aligned. He could certainly pinpoint when he’d realised it; Sebastian had been teasing him about it and he had vehemently denied any untoward feelings.

“Gracious, Sebastian, it’s not like I stay up all night thinking about her!”

Four hours later as he lay in bed, chasing sleep with as much effectiveness as a three-legged table chases a panicked cat, Ominis went very still.

“Uh oh,” he said.

He’d determined not to do anything about his developing affection, but this seemed to only make it worse, sending him dangerously close to a full-blown obsession. Convinced as he usually was that no one of any significance would ever look twice at him, he resolved to nurture his unrequited love in solitude and silence. The trouble was, both she and Sebastian seemed quite determined to get him alone with her whenever it was humanly possible.

Things culminated on a cool spring morning as they sat at breakfast, and she’d sighed rather dramatically. Upon questioning her reasoning for this, she, ever bold, had told him in no uncertain terms that she rather liked him, and would like very much for him to be her boyfriend.

So it was that Ominis found himself with a girlfriend, not just any girlfriend, but her, and he couldn’t have been happier if you paid him. She was everything he could have wanted and more, endearingly sweet, violently protective, and unendingly patient as he tried to navigate the brand new and complex thing of ‘being a boyfriend.’ Her patience proved to be a godsend, as Ominis found himself utterly clueless as to how to behave, especially as a lot of the things his eighteen year old mind wanted to do seemed wholly inappropriate for the early stages of their relationship, and he was far too shy to even dream of suggesting them.

Besides, if he was ever going to get to that stage, he needed to overcome something much simpler first.

He needed to get used to someone else touching him.

Ominis avoided physical contact wherever possible. He’d become rather adept at it over the years, relying on both his wand and his hearing to steer him away from the students thronging the castle. He’d had far too many experiences where someone assumed that they could just grab onto his arm and yoink him off his own chosen path just because they wanted him to go somewhere else, as if he was some kind of invalid. His potions partners over the years had learned very quickly that he did not appreciate them trying to guide his hands to the ingredients, and in Herbology, even poor Professor Garlick had been on the receiving end of his sharp tongue when she tried to physically move him along his bench to where his plant pot was. He’d felt awful afterwards of course, and rather felt he deserved the detention he got two days later from Professor Sharp, who had presumably heard about the encounter.

But for the first time in his life, he wanted to touch someone else. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to hold her hand as they walked to Hogsmeade, he wanted to let her take his arm as they strolled through the grounds, he wanted to slip an arm around her shoulders and have her lean on his chest as she read aloud from their textbooks. He wanted to cuddle into her as evening slipped into night, to lay his head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat, the sound of her breath, his arms locked around her waist.

The trouble was, after so long avoiding contact with almost everyone, he had absolutely no idea how to initiate it without coming across as some kind of slobbering oaf. The very last thing he wanted to do was insult her, and he longed for her to make the first move, to take his hand, perhaps, or lean against him as they fought to stay awake during one of Professor Binn’s soporific lectures.

Unfortunately for him, he’d made his distain for human touch very plain to her early on in their fifth year. After they’d made it to Slytherin’s Scriptorium and she had bravely volunteered to be tortured in order to save their lives (something neither he nor Sebastian had ever forgiven the latter for), she’d leaned against him as Sebastian went running off to explore, clearly needing comfort, and like a moron, he’d pulled away, telling her gently that he just didn’t like to be touched. He’d spoken softly with her, comforting her as best he could with words, knowing all too well how badly she needed to be held in that moment, the echoes of his own torture ringing in his memory, but he’d failed her in that regard. He’d failed himself as well, it seemed, for even though they were now an official couple, she never overstepped the boundary he had drawn.

She was affectionate and loving all the same, saying gentle, kind things to him when they were alone, buying him little presents and complimenting him so frequently that his paranoia deemed it insincere until Sebastian told him off. In a moment of weakness, Ominis shared with his best friend some of his woes. Ever the pragmatist, Sebastian had told him to ‘just bloody tell her about it.’

But Ominis was too shy even for that, too afraid of making a mistake or saying the wrong thing that could be construed as lecherous as opposed to loving. He spent a day or two moping, wondering how he could ever consider himself worthy of her if he couldn't even hold her hand and wondering how best to go about navigating a relationship that lacked physical contact. The thing was, and he was furious with himself for forgetting it, Sebastian had a noxious habit of getting involved in things when he really, really shouldn’t.

He should have known something was up when she asked him to meet her in the Undercroft in the evening for a date. He’d been a little bemused, their dates were usually to Hogsmeade or Quidditch matches, the Undercroft was a bit of a dour place for a romantic evening. But it was very private.

Uh oh.

It was with no small amount of trepidation that Ominis crept into the Undercroft that evening, his wand revealing the outlines of the narrow stone corridor through small vibrations in his hand. As he approached the iron grate, he slowed, raising his head and inhaling.

She was already there, he could hear her shuffling around, and he could smell lavender and smoke. She must be burning scented candles. He nibbled his lip. He hoped she’d put them somewhere out of harm’s way, he’d had far too many incidents with a sleeve held too close to a flame before now to want to repeat the experience. He drew a breath and tugged at the old iron grate, which announced his presence with its customary, grating shriek of metal on stone.

“Ah, there you are.” She greeted him as warmly as ever, her smile evident in her voice. “Come over here, I’ve put some blankets and things down.”

“Unusual place for a date,” Ominis remarked as he obediently headed over to her. “Why here?”

“Because I wanted to talk to you,” she replied, and Ominis paused, a small thunk of something landing in his belly.

“That’s a frightening phrase,” he said, trying to hide his nervousness with a grin. “I’m not in trouble, am I?”

“Of course not,” she said, and patted the cushion beside her. Ominis dropped onto it, crossing his legs. “Please don’t be annoyed with me, but Sebastian and I have been talking.”

“I’d be surprised if you hadn’t been,” Ominis said, cautiously. “You’re close friends, after all.”

“We’ve been talking about you,” she clarified, and Ominis gulped.

“Oh?”

“He said you’ve been wanting to ask me something,” she said, her tone as cautious as he felt. “I just wanted you to know you can ask me absolutely anything, and I promise I won’t judge you for it. I know this is all new for you, and I want you to be comfortable with me.”

“Not new for you, I take it?” Ominis said, hoping to steer the conversation away from where he knew it was headed, his heart setting up a frantic dance in his chest.

She chuckled. “I’ve had boyfriends, if that’s what you’re asking. Forget about them, this evening is just for you and me. Specifically you.” She shuffled a little closer, and Ominis caught a breath of her hair, the raspberry cream shampoo she used each morning. Merlin, whoever invented that stuff was a bloody genius, he thought, because whenever he smelled it, he had the strongest urge to put her hair in his mouth.

He felt a flush flow up his neck and over his cheeks, and he turned away, fiddling with his wand.

“What… what did you have in mind?”

“I was rather hoping you’d tell me,” she said. “Sebastian gave me a pretty good idea of what you’ve been wanting to ask, but I don’t want to make any assumptions. I’d like to hear you say it.”

Ominis opened and closed his mouth, doing a remarkable impression of a fish that’s had a bit of a shock. He felt himself torn between indignant fury that Sebastian had taken it upon himself to tell his girlfriend about his wants and needs, and palpitating anxiety that she wanted him to say the words. He was caught now, he had to tell her what he wanted, what he needed from her, but he couldn’t seem to summon his voice. It was tangled up in his throat, the brambles that had suddenly decided that his larynx was the perfect place to take up residence tightening as she shifted a little closer, and Merlin, he could feel the warmth of her body, barely a few inches away.

What if he didn’t say anything? What if he just sat in dumb silence until the clock struck midnight or she grew bored? Would she take it as a rejection, would she think he didn’t want her? He did! No one had ever touched his heart in quite the way she had, had captivated his mind and turned his every waking thought into thoughts of her. Surely she had to know that? She was so easy to be around, so why couldn’t he bloody speak?

But he had underestimated her again, it seemed, when she rested her hand, very, very gently, on the back of his own, causing every muscle in his body to tighten as a gasp flew up from the back of his throat and past the tangle of thorns where his words were still fighting to get out.

“Is it this?” she asked, her voice as soft as her touch. “It’s alright if it is. I want there to be more physical contact between us both.”

His lips still parted, Ominis’ sightless eyes were fixed on the space in the nothingness around him where their hands were. It seemed to him that her skin carried a current of some kind, almost implausibly soft, the warmth of it sending prickling tingles along the back of his hand, up his arm and to his shoulders, where they scampered about like mischievous kittens, their tiny claws pricking his skin. She was still waiting for an answer, and Ominis steeled himself, forcing a single word out from his full throat.

“Yes,” he whispered.

He winced. He’d wanted to sound calm, collected, as if this was the most normal thing in the world, but it came out more like a scratch, rising at the end to a squeak. He turned away and cleared his throat, his cheeks searing. Beside him, she chuckled softly.

“That’s good. This isn’t something you’re used to, is it?”

Ominis shook his head, not trusting himself to speak again just yet. She moved a little closer, her hand still on his, her arm now pressing against his.

“I want you to be comfortable,” she murmured. “I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not ready to do.” Her hand left his, and Ominis closed his eyes, cursing himself for his baffling inability to reciprocate, thinking her fed up of him already, but then her hand slid to his shoulder, gliding from one to the other, tracing a heated path over his upper back to hold.

“If you need me to stop, if I go too far or do too much, I need you to tell me,” she said, her voice as gentle as an autumn dawn. “If you don’t feel comfortable saying it, you can pull away, or move my hand. For my part, I just want to be close to you.”

Ominis took a steadying breath, willing his racing heart to slow as the pressure on his shoulder increased in subtle increments until he could no longer remain upright, pulled inexorably towards her, his body twisting instinctively, his cheek coming to rest on her shoulder, his nose pressed against her neck.

His entire body went taut. Her body was lither than he’d expected, soft and hard all at once, and her skin was almost searingly warm over her collar. The faint traces of citrus brushed against his nose, the scent of her perfume, or her soap, perhaps, or was it just the way she smelled? The fabric of her blouse moved against his cheek as she shifted, the cotton rough in comparison to the satin of her neck, and he could feel the swell of her chest against his upper arm. Ominis bit his lip, overwhelmed by the sensation, his attention zeroing in on it in a way that was most ungentlemanly. He twisted again, trying to move away just enough to preserve her modesty, her hand still tight on his shoulder. He could feel every detail of each slender digit, the way they came together and parted like the beginning notes of a song, rubbing gentle caresses into him in a way he’d never known was possible.

How was it that so simple a touch could set his mind afire like this? He didn’t know what to do other than remain where he was, remain rigid, try to save himself from some awful outburst of Merlin only knew what. Her head came down, her chin resting against his temple, her breath rushing over his ear as she sighed, silently, seemingly content.

How could she be content? He’d read books, sappy romantic stories that curled his lip where people draped themselves over one another like dust sheets over furniture, and this was far from it. He may as well have been a statue with how tightly was he holding himself, but he couldn’t bear the thought of letting himself relax. Who knew what would happen if he let himself go?

Her other hand came up to join the first, beginning at his shoulder and trailing down his arm, sending more of those devilish kittens gambolling about his skin. Her hand curved around his, lacing their fingers together and raising his hand, his arm following.

“Is this okay?” she whispered. “You can relax if you want to, I’m strong. I can hold you.”

Ominis squeezed his eyes shut all the tighter, fighting to keep his breathing steady. In all his imaginings, his lonely, nighttime thoughts, he’d pictured her curled into his lap, not the other way around. He’d imagined holding her, stroking her hair, hell, even… even kissing her. He’d never thought about this. He’d never thought about her holding him. But as he considered this, trying his absolute hardest not to focus too much on the way her arms seemed made to fit around him, her hand so warm in his, the tips of her fingers against the veins on the back of his hand, he came to realise that there was nothing in this world he wanted more than to be held.

With a low sigh that was almost a groan, Ominis let go. His muscles unlocked, his joints softened, and he folded into her embrace, his face pressed into the crook of her neck, rewarded with a soft, satisfied sigh from her lips.

“That’s right,” she murmured. “You’re doing really well, Ominis. I’m proud of you.”

Proud. She was proud of him for doing something that should be simple, natural, as easy as breathing. Was she making fun of him? He nibbled his lip again, debating a moment whether or not to pull back and ask, but when her hand moved from his shoulder to his back, rubbing gentle, loving circles across his shoulder blades, he completely forgot what he was going to say.

Hell, for a moment, Ominis forgot his own name. His mind sparked with new fire as his attention became caught upon this new sensation, her palm and the pads of her fingers five separate points, easily distinguished, occasionally joining to become a singular point of pressure as she smoothed her whole hand over his back. She unlaced their fingers and joined her other hand with the first, both tracing individual patterns over him that were yet still joined in a soundless dance.

Ominis found himself sinking further into her embrace, his arms winding around her hips to lock in place, holding her as tightly as she held him. She breathed another contented chuckle, then shifted, reaching down to hook behind his knee. Ominis froze again, a soft gasp escaping him as she looped her arm under both his legs and tugged, pulling him into her lap completely. She leaned back, bracing herself against one of the many stone pillars of the Undercroft, then she returned to rubbing his back, only her other hand moved up to the nape of his neck, her fingers pushing into his hair, making his entire body tingle as if he’d just been electrocuted.

It was almost too much. The heat of her body, the movement of her hands on him, so tender and so gentle, so inexplicably loving made him want to weep. Ominis couldn’t remember ever being touched like this, held like this, in his entire life. Yes, Aunt Noctua had cuddled him as a boy, but they were swift, furtive things, brief hugs that were all she’d been able to give for fear of reprisal from his family. They had never even so much as offered him a friendly pat on the head.

To his dismay, Ominis found the backs of his eyes prickling. His instinct, borne of religious training, told him he needed to get up and run off somewhere private where he could handle his emotions properly, before returning to behave with the decorum a man in his position was expected to exhibit. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t push her away. He couldn’t bear the thought of being apart from her ever again.

He needed her to keep holding him. He needed her to keep rubbing his back. He needed her to keep running her fingers through his hair like she was, in the way that made him want to purr. Indeed, a low, rumbling sound began at the bottom of his lungs, but he bore down on it. He couldn’t let her know how much he craved this, because even he hadn’t known. If he’d known how good it felt to be touched by another person, he’d have been much more open to it long ago.

But something told him it wouldn’t be like this with everyone. There was something remarkably special about the way she held him to her, as if it was meant only for them, and no one else. Ominis tucked his face tighter into the crook of her neck, screwing up his face as his hands rose to grip the back of her blouse, one of her knees braced against the small of his back, his legs draped over her other. Something clawed at his chest, a great howl of loss and misery fighting to get out as he tightened his grip on her, needing to be closer, longing to be nearer. If he could climb inside her very skin, it wouldn’t be enough.

He could hear her heartbeat. It pulsed against his ear, fluttering like a caged bird, far quicker than he’d expected. He could feel her ribs expanding and contracting as she breathed, the air that gave her life rustling over his hair as she continued to stroke it, her fingers spreading apart and coming together, the pads of her fingers pressing against his scalp, and it was all he could do not to roll his eyes back and lean into her touch, her other hand still gliding over his arm, his back, his side, hell, even his chest.

She rested it there a moment.

“You’re heart’s racing,” she whispered. “Are you okay?”

Still he didn’t trust himself to speak. He nodded and pushed himself closer, leaning his full weight against her torso, one arm clamped around her waist, the other rising up to tangle in her long hair, coming to rest in the middle of her shoulder blades, trying to press her closer to him. She seemed to understand, for she tightened her arms around him, lowering her head and pressing her cheek to his, resting her forehead on his shoulder.

He did cry a little then. Silently, his teeth bared, two slim tears escaped from under his lids and vanished into the cotton of her blouse. He drew a shaking breath, wishing he could do more than just lie here and be held, but then, it was all he ever wanted. Listening to her heartbeat, feeling her arms around him, feeling safe for the first time in his life, he could have died. He could have given up his life and been content that he had experienced all he ever wanted to, safe at last in her arms, protected from all the ills of the world around him. In her arms, there was no dark magic. In her arms, there was no crucio. In her arms, there was no pain or fear of regret.

In her arms, there was nothing but love and acceptance. As he held on to her, inhaling the citrus and raspberry of her scent, feeling the satin of her skin and the cotton of her blouse, the strength of her arms and the swell of her chest, Ominis realised for the first time in his life that he was worthy of being loved, and he never wanted to be loved by anyone but her.

I've had other similar asks to this one that requested a smuttier ending, so I plan to continue this at a later date with significantly more ✨spice✨

Keep an eye out 😉

Masterlist

[the-glorious-evolution-fanart]

what’s your take on this whole “viktor is czech” controversy im seeing so many posts about how we can’t say viktor is russian or any other Slav anymore because of harry lloyd saying he did a czech accent

(I'm answering immediately since this is kind of an active topic that will probably quickly die. Please first read my entire post.)

I am of the opinion that everyone is allowed to headcanon a character however they want, and that it's not nice to insist everyone else adopt one's own interpretation especially if it's not canon. Even if things are canon, people can always choose to purposefully ignore canon in favour of what they prefer. This says nothing about quality - that can go either way. Sometimes the original writing is bad, other times it's good and fandom interpretations are of low creativity/low understanding/quality.

This accent discussion is not a controversy, it's just a tug of war between some fans. Lower the bullying and arguments everyone! It's okay. There's not much point fighting between fans, when companies hold all the power.

~

The reality is more complex than "what canon actually says".

Previous League version

Originally, Viktor the Machine Herald was designed to on the surface quickly read like an Eastern-European mad scientist engineer, with "vibes" from the Red Scare (and things like Red Alert). It has roots in ideas about scary effective heavy machinery. He was made to have a stereotypical Hollywood Slavic accent. If people read into it as Russian, it wouldn't be incorrect, thought the company. That doesn't mean he's hard-coded as Russian. There's the opinion of the lead writer Praeco being shared online in which he says:

He makes the fast mental jump (just like many viewers/players) and lands on the surface-level stereotype, which he thinks is all there is to it. This is false. Viktor's original, release lore from 2011. has no cultural hints towards Russia nor those stereotypes. It is a great basis for developing a more detailed story, which people would certainly love if it was done in an animated medium.

What the lore does have, are similarities with Nikola Tesla, a Serbian engineer and inventor who was conned by Edison, had his work stolen and often been viewed as crazy. Viktor's in-game abilities are inspired by some of Nikola Tesla's hypothetical inventions. His staff has a Tesla coil on it.

I personally write Viktor as being Serbian-inspired due to this, and it's also easier for me as I'm Serbian, so I can make up a headcanon about old lore old Zaunites speaking this language thus explaining the accent when they speak Common; and not stress over messing up a translation. There's also the fact that we are very underrepresented in pop-culture, and even when we are, it's most often as unintelligent criminals.

That doesn't mean that people headcanoning League Viktor as being Russian-inspired are automatically incorrect.

2. Arcane Viktor

Here's the interview with the voice actor. There's a couple of things here to be noted. He says a "frail Eastern-European scientist"... meanwhile Czechs are Western Slavs, not Eastern. This tells me the Americans leading the show didn't pay much attention to ethnicities, as those things don't matter to them.

Then Nikola Tesla is brought up again - proving the original core archetype. But Nikola Tesla was Serbian, who are South Slavs, not Eastern nor Western.

To Americans, we are all interchangeable. They really don't care. They hired a British voice actor, despite there being countless Slavic voice actors they could have contacted. I can even reach a bunch of them.

The voice actor they hired had only practiced a Czech accent in one of his previous works, and it was "close enough". And what I can say is that he doesn't sound neither Russian, nor Serbian to my ear. Our accent is way more heavy and explosive (actually pretty similar to original in-game Viktor! Just less dramatic) while Russian would be way more softer. I've seen some Czechs say he does indeed sound Czech, and I think that's completely valid! But Arcane Viktor is Czech not by design, but out of necessity.

Czechs (Česi!!!!!) are also very little represented in pop-culture. Basically non-existent. They have also historically been behind the Iron Curtain, so you must understand their position. I think people have the right to headcanon Arcane Viktor as being Czech-inspired, despite what all the inconsistencies and frankly bad mixups have been said by the production crew behind-the-scenes. And they absolutely should not be bullied and forced into headcanoning Arcane Viktor as Russian or any other ethnicity! What's in the work itself sounds Czech, not Serbian. That said, I also think people have the right to personally headcanon Arcane Viktor as any ethnicity-inspired as they wish. Just know the state of things like I shared here, say what your personal headcanon is and don't vaguepost or bully other people. Those throwing rocks first should stop.

3. In the end, I personally view Arcane Viktor as Czech-inspired, League Viktor as Serbian-inspired, but it's not even wrong to consider him generally Slavic-inspired, as these nationalities really don't exist in Runeterra. Political situation aside.

[highseas-swede]

Aziraphale and Trauma

[Just a note that I initially wrote this in response to this post: https://www.tumblr.com/theangelyouknew/732357015604756480?source=share&ref=_tumblr which is full of insightful info. I'm reposting my response here with some minor edits so it's easier to find in tags.]

This is something I actually find interesting within the fandom, because there seems to be this weird divide in fandom when it comes to Aziraphale.

See, I love Aziraphale. I think he's an amazing and well nuanced character, but a lot of the time fandom boils him down into this really simple version of himself. This happens both with people who dislike him and claim he's a bad person as well as with those who want to soften him up and make him more palatable. Aziraphale isn't the only one who has trouble with black and white thinking here!

Things like Coffee Theory remove Aziraphale's agency because the thought of Aziraphale doing something to hurt Crowley deliberately is something they can't stomach. If Aziraphale is acting under some kind of major magical influence, it means that it's possible to brush over the fact that he can - and has - hurt Crowley in the past and it certainly hasn't always been accidental.

There's a lot of Psychology I could touch on here, but it's honestly such a complicated topic that I don't really feel I can do it justice attached to a completely different topic.

But one thing I do want to touch on a bit is how Aziraphale asserts control in his own life via his connection with Crowley, and that touches on something equally complicated, which is something that's probably hard to understand.

Abuse victims are often manipulative.

I don't mean this at all as some kind of slight or insult. I've been an abuse victim myself and it's one reason I know it's true.

Fandom talks a lot about Crowley's trauma and he's got loads, to be sure. I think of that meme about "this bad boy can fit a lot of trauma" and it's very true. I've even seen people mention that Aziraphale has a different kind of Trauma than Crowley, which is also true.

What I haven't seen is someone addressing that the type of religious trauma is a form of CPTSD. CPTSD or "Complex PTSD" is a very specific form of PTSD. PTSD is characterized as being the result of a traumatic event - Crowley's fall, for example, is a good example of PTSD and I can go into that at some point. CPTSD is different because it's not a singular event, it's the result of being in a constant high stress situation. A lot of abuse victims - especially those abused by parental figures or significant others - have this form of PTSD.

A good way to see the difference is in comparing how they relate to their trauma. When Crowley thinks he's lost Aziraphale in S1, it sends him into a spiral. But importantly we see that this traumatic event is causing Crowley to go back to another traumatic event in time, triggering his memories of his fall. This emphasizes how much Crowley's fall defines his trauma. We rarely see him experiencing trauma at the hands of Hell, as he's mostly allowed freedom to handle his job on earth the way he wants.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/ defines CPTSD as "the results of ongoing, inescapable, relational trauma. Unlike Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Complex PTSD typically involves being hurt by another person. These hurts are ongoing, repeated, and often involving a betrayal and loss of safety."

In humans, this is caused by having no sense of safety in key moments of development. It strips away sense of self, sense of worth and really any agency. We even see the angels using direct gaslighting tactics on Aziraphale in S2, which I'm surprised doesn't get mentioned more often: When they come to the bookshop looking for Gabriel, they mention Gabriel and then almost immediately when Aziraphale asks "you were looking for Gabriel", Uriel outright says a line that goes something like "Did we say we were looking for Gabriel?", leading Aziraphale to fumble and try to remember if they did, in fact, say that at some point (they did).

So, one big thing to know about CPTSD and this kind of abuse related trauma is that learning to lie and be manipulative is often what people have to do to survive. Children with abusive parents will learn how to be manipulative in order to get what they need or avoid losing things they need.

We see this with Aziraphale, time and time again. He could just ASK Crowley for things he wants. A lot of people point out that he could ask and that Crowley would probably give in to him most of the time anyway. But that's not how it works in an abusive home. Instead, Aziraphale maneuvers Crowley into situations where Crowley is forced to give him what he needs or wants.

His lack of agency, as a result of his CPTSD, is also why he needs to be worked into making decisions that he already knows - or at least suspects - are right. That's why they have their little dance every time Crowley has to talk Aziraphale into something by finding the right way to frame it so it makes sense with Aziraphale's strict rule structure. These rules exist as a defensive mechanism too. Having rules makes it easier to figure out how to avoid being hurt and Aziraphale cannot simply step outside the rules because it's Not Safe. Not even with someone he trusts as much as Crowley.

The entire apology dance scene stands out for a few reasons. Everything Aziraphale does in the entire scene is an act that allows him to take control of the situation. He's already won, so to speak, because Crowley is back and Crowley is going to do what he wants. The apology is unnecessary on every level.

This post talks about how uncomfortable Crowley has to be sharing a space with Gabriel. Gabriel is with the abusive team, whether or not he was directly involved with Crowley's fall. Crowley also harbors a severe distress and mistrust of Gabriel because of Gabriel's attempts to destroy Aziraphale, the most important person to Crowley. But it's worth noting that Aziraphale is uncomfortable too.

Another good indicator of how stressed Aziraphale is with all this is that he doesn't eat ANYTHING when Gabriel is in the shop. The only food he consumes in modern era is when he's in the Bentley which is a "safe" space. Gabriel constantly hounded Aziraphale over eating and despite offering Gabriel hot chocolate, we don't see him partaking himself. He does briefly drink to demonstrate how "drinking tea" works for Muriel, but he doesn't seem to drink from his cup at all after demonstrating.

The bookshop is also Aziraphale's safe space, his ONLY safe space - Crowley still technically has the Bentley, and honestly I feel like Aziraphale wanting to borrow the Bentley is actually partially because he needs to get away from Gabriel and the Bentley is the only place that feels safe for him at the moment. Shax ruins any illusion of safety for him, but Aziraphale is much more enthused for his trip in ep3 and a fair amount of it is because he's not trapped with Gabriel.

A small note here, as a thought occurs to me. Aziraphale asserting that the Bentley is "our car" is probably mostly for himself. He's trying to realign his thinking to make the Bentley an acceptable "safe space" for himself prior to the trip.

There is a very different relationship dynamic when it comes to Gabriel and Aziraphale because Gabriel is the constant source of Aziraphale's trauma. He's Aziraphale's superior, the one he has to report to, the one who passes down his missions and his punishments. When Aziraphale takes Gabriel in, he's just invited his former abuser of over 6000 years into his safe haven. This is a hugely uncomfortable thing for an abuse survivor.

Worst of all, because Jim is, for all intents and purposes, NOT Gabriel, Aziraphale can't bring himself to lash out at his former abuser the way he wants to.

That brings us back to this apology scene.

There are two major things going on here and both of them are bad and hurtful toward Crowley. They're also both intensely unfair. I love Aziraphale but this was definitely a dick move.

Firstly: Aziraphale is using Crowley to reassert a sense of control over the situation because he is spiraling. He can't assert control over his life and his shop, which is one thing that he falls back on heavily, and that leaves him scrambling to find somewhere where he can control his situation. He makes Crowley go through this whole unnecessary apology and dance routine because it makes him feel like he has control over SOMETHING in his life right now.

Secondly: Aziraphale is also enacting his own trauma on Crowley. He's treating Crowley the way Heaven treats him. This is a direct parallel to the way Crowley terrorizes his house plants because he can't do anything to the people who actually caused his trauma. This is, obviously, wildly unfair of Aziraphale to do - and I'm fairly sure there are other small moments where Aziraphale does this in a mild way, I'd have to rewatch again.

These are both behaviors common in CPTSD caused by environments that apply this constant state of stress.

I'm not going to say it's right, or that Aziraphale isn't being a bit of a bastard in this moment - he absolutely is - but this behavior does have some obvious triggers that might be easy to overlook. It's just important to understand that Aziraphale is falling into self-preservation habits that are actively detrimental to his relationship with Crowley. It's not just the manipulation, he's also hiding things and lying to Crowley when he really shouldn't be - both things often necessary in abusive environments - but he's doing it because that's the method that he's created that works with his abusive relationship in Heaven and he's falling back on it because he feels unsafe. The trouble is, this survival tactic does not work with Crowley and actively makes things worse because it shuts down open communication entirely.

[chronosdawn]

Attached - Alpha!Wriothesley x Beta!Reader

a/b/o AU, GN!Reader

A/N: I got the idea for this while working on another, longer a/b/o fic so instead of working on that like I was supposed to, I wrote this OTL

Word count: 1.3k

Content warnings: a/b/o dynamics, mild sexual content and themes (minors please DNI)

Not many got the chance to know the Duke of the Fortress of Meropide well. Certainly, almost everyone in Fontaine knew of him, and as the Fortress’s administrator, many people had some sort of contact with him, be they convicts of the Fortress or proprietors of businesses hoping to gain a foothold there.

But among those, very few got to actually know the Duke beyond his title and position, and when you’d first met him, you’d had no reason to think you’d be any different. Sure, you had been invited there by him personally, which was rare, but made sense once you’d learned he was looking to procure resources for some project that was being worked on in the Fortress—something you had a lot of experience doing for members of the Fontaine Research Institute.

Over the course of several meetings—and more than a couple of pots of tea—a tentative friendship had formed between you. One that had turned into something quite different when you’d accidentally stumbled into his office while he was in a rut.

And that, was how you’d come to end up in your current situation—seated in Wriothesley’s lap with your overnight bag discarded by the door to his room. You hadn’t expected this to become a regular occurrence when you’d first offered him your assistance, but for some reason the stubborn fool had refused to seek out an omega to spend his ruts with, even if you both knew that was what he actually needed.

He nosed against the back of your neck before going in with a gentle nip of his teeth, dangerously close to where your small beta scent gland lay.

“Careful,” you warned, “you know our agreement, nothing that can’t be taken back. I don’t want to be the reason your future omega ends up developing some sort of complex.”

Wriothesley stilled briefly before grazing his teeth over your nape once more. “What would you do if I did?”

“What do you mean?” You tried to turn around to look at his face, but the muscular arms around your waist kept you locked in place, pressed tightly against the firm planes of his chest.

“What would you do if I decided to put a claiming bite on you? Right now, you’re not in any position to stop me.”

“You wouldn’t,” you said with absolute certainty, even as he nipped at you again, harder this time.

“What makes you so sure?” His rut had come on enough that even you could smell the pheromones he was pumping out into the air, a rich leathery musk with notes of clary sage.

“I know you, you just wouldn’t.”

“You sound pretty convinced of that.”  He went quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was barely audible as he muttered into your skin. “Do you even know what I was originally sentenced here for?”

“I do.” He’d never told you himself but you remembered reading about his trial in the newspaper your father had left out on your dining room table. “But that’s neither here nor there. You’re not the sort of person who’d force a yourself on someone, and I can’t imagine you ever being disloyal to your mate. Even if for some strange reason you seem reluctant to go out and find them.”

He let out a chuckle but there was no real humour in it. “You know, sometimes I wish you thought a little less highly of me.”

“If I didn’t think so highly of you, I wouldn’t be here, you know that.”

“Yeah, I do.” He went back to worrying at your neck, his mouth over your scent gland. Instead of biting down, however, he sucked at the skin in a way that was certain to leave its own sort of claiming mark, but one that would fade within a week. 

“You don’t seem to be in any hurry,” you noted, as he took his time littering your nape with hickeys, despite the growing hardness you could feel pressing against your ass.

“How long can you stay?” His hands began to wander slowly over your body, the heat of his palms burning through your clothes.

“A couple of days.” You let out a sigh, allowing yourself to enjoy the feeling of his touch while you could. “I’ve got a trip to Liyue scheduled to check on some ore shipments and it’s too late to rearrange it. Sorry I can’t be here for the whole thing; I should be able to help you through the worst of it though.”

“And when will you be back?”

“I’m not sure. Some of the merchants we’re dealing with are really dragging their feet for some reason. I should be back before your next one, although whether that’s really a good thing or not, I don’t know. Might have been a good incentive for you to actually seek out a more permanent arrangement.”

“I really wish you’d stop bringing that up.” One of his hands slipped underneath your shirt, sliding beneath your undergarments so he could give your nipple a firm squeeze. “What’s so wrong with this?”

You let out an undignified squeak and chastised him with a light slap to the thigh. “I know I sound like some nagging old aunt, but I just want you to find someone who makes you happy. Truly happy, not just sex.”

“And if I said you make me happy?”

“I can’t, not in the way deserve,” you said a little sadly, before putting the thought out of your mind altogether. It was best not to think about what ifs that could never be, it would only lead to hurt. “Now, what do you say we get a move on, before you get so wound up you tear straight through my clothes. Again.”

Wriothesley loosened his hold enough for you to turn around in his lap, fingers moving to undo the buttons of your shirt as he watched with rapt attention.

“With the way you’re so fond of telling me off, anyone would think you’re the alpha in this relationship.” He made no move to touch you, simply observing as you shed your garments one by one. You weren’t entirely sure how he was managing it, you could see the flush on his cheeks, feel the tension in his body—a piece of elastic a hair’s breadth from snapping. Still, if any alpha would have the self-control to hold themselves back during a rut, it would be him.

“Come on mister, it’s not fair to make me do all the work.” You moved to start helping him out of his waistcoat, his jacket having already been shed before you’d even entered the room.

“Alright boss,” he replied with obvious sarcasm, a smirk curling at his lips. With no warning, you were suddenly lifted and flung onto the bed, Wriothesley following you quickly after, caging you in with his body and leaving no hope of escape. “If you’re that eager, you don’t have to wait for me to go into a rut, you know, you can come here anytime. I’ve asked the staff at the front desk to let me know as soon as they see you.”

“It’s a tempting offer.” You helped him out of his waistcoat as he pulled off his tie and tossed it somewhere in the room. “But I’d hate to be the reason for a decline in the efficiency of management of the Fortress.”

“Always an answer for everything.” You didn’t get a chance to retort before his mouth was covering yours, hot and hungry as he ground his hips against your thigh. It would seem his control had finally failed him, as when you kissed back, he let out a satisfied growl from the back of his throat, fingers digging into your flesh as he tugged you into the position he wanted.

You simply let him, tangling your fingers in his hair as you braced yourself for what was sure to be a long and tiring—if enjoyable—affair.

[criticalcrusherbot]

Here’s the thing I DON’T understand ever since being in the Helluva Boss fandom.

I’ll never be one to claim that Helluva Boss is a masterclass of storytelling, because it’s not. It has its flaws: plot structure is a bit disjointed at times, tonal consistency could be better, sometimes the humor is not well balanced with the emotional moments, and some episodes can suffer from speed rail pacing, “Mastermind” is the first episode that comes to mind.

But also a lot of what this show does well with its characters still makes up for it, and the show has been getting better about ironing out the flaws I mentioned.

The show’s writing isn’t perfect, but it’s far from having the worst writing I’ve ever seen, so…why does is it THIS show that pushes people’s buttons so much?

Why is THIS the show that sparks the creation of hundreds of YouTube videos with over 50k views or more yelling about how much people think it sucks?

🤖💁🏽‍♀️: Your point about the disproportionate criticism of Helluva Boss touches on a significant issue in media reception: the relationship between production context and audience expectations. It’s undeniable that Helluva Boss faces an outsized level of scrutiny, and much of that can be attributed to the fact that it’s an independently produced series created by Vivienne Medrano, a highly visible and accessible online figure. Unlike shows backed by established production companies, Helluva Boss operates without the institutional legitimacy that often insulates mainstream media from this level of hyper-focus.

For comparison, consider Avatar: The Last Airbender and Bojack Horseman, two critically acclaimed shows produced by major companies—Nickelodeon and Netflix, respectively. Both series benefit from larger budgets, industry connections, and an inherent credibility that allows their audiences to extend more generosity toward their flaws. And while these shows are widely celebrated, they are not without their shortcomings. Avatar, for all its masterful world-building and character development, struggles with romantic subplots. The dynamic between Aang and Katara often feels forced and awkward, with Aang’s possessiveness clashing against Katara’s more maternal demeanor. Meanwhile, Zuko and Mai’s relationship lacks chemistry, (💁🏽‍♀️: though Mai’s defiance of Azula? “I love him more than I fear you.” — rad af).

ANYWAY.

Similarly, Bojack Horseman, while lauded for its exploration of mental health and the consequences of fame, is deserving of some of its criticism for its jarring tonal shifts between absurd comedy and bleak drama. Bojack himself frequently escapes meaningful consequences for his actions in ways that challenge narrative cohesion. However, these flaws are typically contextualized as part of the show’s complexity rather than as fundamental failures, largely due to its association with a respected platform like Netflix.

In contrast, Helluva Boss is rarely afforded the same critical nuance. The show’s tonal experimentation (arguably a feature, not a bug) and character-driven storytelling are often dismissed as structural weaknesses rather than creative choices. This disparity can be partly attributed to the persistent “hate boner” directed at Medrano, whose visibility as a creator makes her a convenient target for criticism. The expectation that independent creators should produce flawless content, while mainstream studios are forgiven their imperfections, reveals an inherent bias in media consumption.

Ultimately, no media text is perfect—not Avatar, not Bojack, and certainly not Helluva Boss. But the point of analysis should not be to determine whether a show is “good” or “bad” in absolute terms. Thoughtful critique involves engaging with a text on its own terms, recognizing both its achievements and its limitations without letting external biases dictate its value. The disproportionate vitriol directed at Helluva Boss says more about the audience’s biases and expectations than it does about the show’s quality.

And on a personal note? We enjoy our gay demon furry cartoon 🤷🏽‍♀️🤖💖

[taffycandyqt]

Hi, I was wondering for if I could submit this prompt when requesting. It’s kind of similar to ember’s and wade’s dynamic in Elemental and it’s slightly angsty but it’s mostly lighthearted.

-It includes Donnie from the 2012 show and the reader. The premise is that the two started to bond during the three months they were refugees at the farm during season three due to the Kraang Invasion, The reader starts to develop feelings for Donnie as the feeling is mutual, but he’s quick to deny it- due to fearing of being turned down again and having a complex where he views himself as a freak due to being a mutant turtle and not being able to fit in with society and happily accepted.

-the reader tries to confess to Donnie on how they love him in the woods but he’s quick to shut them down(even if it’s mutual) : saying that it could never work out due to them being different species and how he’s just a mutant and could never make the reader happy in the end. The reader comforts Donnie and they have a heart to heart and Donnie reconsiders the confession.

I was actually sooooooo excited to write this you have no idea!!!! Ngl tho this turned out way longer then I thought it would and I kept getting stumped and then taking like month long breaks so sorry this one took so long!😶

Okay, listen!

2012 Donnie x reader

Fluff! Slight angst, comfort

After the Kraang invaded New York everyone moved to live in April's old farm house you and Donnie ended up getting closer than you originally thought. You guys are friends but your feelings have changed. Donnie always thought you would be happy with a human partner so now you're left with a broken heart and no best friend.

"Donnie, your not just a mutant," said April. Donnie had come to apologize to her about the way he acts towards her. Which is fair. While he didn't mean any harm it was good he was starting to understand boundaries.

You had been bringing groceries back to the farmhouse and saw April and Donnie talking. You could use some help with the bags so you decided to enlist Donnie's help bringing them in.

"hey Donnie, April!" You greeted.

"Hi y/n!" Donnie replied.

"O-oh hey, y/n." April seemed to feel a bit awkward.

"Hey D, when you get the chance could you help me bring in the groceries?"

"Oh sure y/n! Sorry what were you gonna say April?"

"Um- well... just that. I care about you Donnie, mutant or not."

You had made it inside after hearing that and set the groceries on the counter before turning to head back outside. Donnie met you in the kitchen and you two walked back out to the car to grab everything else.

Walking back to the farmhouse you decided to ask.

"You mind if I ask what you and April where chatting about?"

"Nothing really. I was just saying sorry for making her uncomfortable. And that I didn't realize what I was doing until bigfoot came along. Now I just feel like an idiot, ya know? Everyone told me it was creepy, even you!"

"It happens to everyone, sometimes people just need to learn things from first hand experience. Now you know and you won't make the same mistake again." You shrugged. You never did care for his shenanigans but you made sure to tell him when he crossed the line.

"Yeah, never again." He cringed at the thought. Even though he was relieved the situation with April was finally over he couldn't help the fact that it still hurt. Yeah, he understands that April doesn't like him and why. It certainly doesn't help, though, that this whole situation picked at a prominent insecurity of his like an old itchy scab. That being that he will probably never be loved that way.

Because he's just an ugly mutant.

As he helped you put everything away he became lost in his own thoughts. As a result, however, you couldn't help but notice his crestfallen expression. Racking your brain to find a way to comfort him only one thing came to mind. Out of all the brothers you were least close to Donnie. You guys never really had much to talk about. And as curious as you were about his inventions he was usually to preoccupied to answer questions or you were swept away by someone else before you could ask any.

Now though, there was nothing urgent or exciting (even if it was new) that would demand your attention.

"Hey D, you working on anything new since we got here?" You asked while putting the last of the food in the pantry. It was a simple question really, but you figured it was better than nothing.

"huh? Sorry did you say something?" He blinked.

"I said you working on any new contraptions lately or have you just been settling in?" Now turning from the cupboards to look at him. He stared at you blankly for a second more before confusion shifted into his face. He must not have expected you to ask. Makes sense, you never have before.

"I- Well I have been working on something but I'm not very far its a- well it's kinda like... it would probably just be better if I showed you. I- if, you want." He ran through his works sprinted through those stutters and punctuated his sentence with a swift look at the floor.

"Sure, I'm free right now, as it happens." You joked to lift the thin bed sheet of awkward that had seemed to settle over the two of you.

"Oh. Okay, uuuh follow me."

He didn't laugh. To be fair he didn't need to but you've been wondering for a while if you have a bad sense of humor soooo, ya know, that was fun.

Regardless you followed him to the old barn where he set up shop. Old tools and scrap metal where strewn across the desk he stopped at. He then promptly turned around and stepped out of the way to awkwardly present his unfinished work at the center of the desk. He was right, he was not very far with it at all. You had no idea what you were looking at. Regardless you stepped closer, gave it a good looksie without touching it, and then turned to Donnie.

"Explain it to me."

He looked at you like you had shown him the answer to all the worlds most complicated scientific questions. It didn't take long for him to knock back into reality though, and when he did oh boy. You opened a whole new book, and this book, it made you feel like you never learned to read. Luckily, Donnie was never short of words to help your understanding.

And that is how you bff-ness started. The two of you were practically inseparable, neither of you realized how well you meshed until that fateful day and how boy did you both of you feel you missed out. Infact, you went from being the least close in the whole group to being tweedle Don and tweedle Dum Dumb.

Not to say that you were dumb, you just did stupid crap and convinced Donnie to do it with you. At first, people either didn't care or was happy that you guys grew closer. However, as time went on people either wouldn't care, or be extremely annoyed by your guys' constant "experiments" in the woods.

(when Leo woke up though, he was just concerned tbh. Like: Ohmygoshnoooooooo😰)

And by experiments, well, there was the time you guys lit a tree up and almost started a forest fire. Or that time you insisted that you knew your mushrooms and convinced Donnie to help you make a soup with some, only to get yourselves massively sick. And let's not forget the time you jumped off a tall rock into a small lake only to realize that that small lake was infact just a really big puddle.

As April would put it, you two got along like a house fire. Which is another incident you two almost caused, just... ya know... in the barn. So its not as bad!

You and Donnie were chilling in the barn like you normally did when you weren't trying to get yourself killed (allegedly). Donnie had long since finished his explanation on this device for testing April's brain waves. You two sat in comfortable silence as you daydreamed tilting on your chair, legs propped up on the back of the sad excuse of a truck. Inevitably you tilted to far and fell to the floor with a loud WHOMP!

Donnie turned around concerned for you wellbeing, like a normal person. However before he can say a word you speak.

"Hey D, you ever use a magnifying glass to burn messages into stuff?" Staying put on your place on the floor not seeming to bothered.

"no?"

At this you grin up at him and whipp out a magnifying glass from your pocket.

"Would you like to?"

Gosh that smile. He learned pretty quickly that whenever you smiled like that you were gonna do something. You were set to enjoy yourself wether he came along or not. Like the puddle incident. he tried to tell you it seemed to shallow but you did NOT care. He couldn't stop you from jumping but he could stop you from breaking your tailbone. And when he went to catch you the force of your fall threw him right on his butt with a loud splash. No one hurt, (yes you were, you just couldn't tell yet) just drenched. You guys just sat there laughing for a good while before you finally admitted you should have listened to him.

That's when he decided that even if is was stupid he'd at least tag along for the fun of it. And that's what led him behind the chicken coop looking for broken boards or thick sticks to burn creepy messages. You wanted to scatter them around the forest and see what would happen if the others found them. It seemed to be a harmless enough prank. That is until you actually got to burning the stuff.

You both began buring your messages on the sicks behind the barn. Donnie having chosen a classic 'I'm watching' with you deciding on 'you smell different awake'.

"You're so weird." Donnie laughed.

"Perhaps, but you can't tell me that the idea of someone sniffing you in your sleep isn't creepy."

"I feel like someone sniffing you awake without you noticing is the creeper implication there."

You both continued debating about wether it was creeper to be sniffed unknowingly asleep or awake. During said debate, without realizing, you continued to point the magnifying glass at perfect angle towards your stick.

And after a little bit of a back and forth between you and Donnie he stopped you.

"hey do you smell something burning?" You look back at your stick right as a small fire erupts on it. You were kneeling pretty far over you stick and the fire was almost right in your face. You freaked, jumping out of your skin and kicking the stick away from you.

Right. Into. The barn.

"Oops." Is all you said as the fire started to eat up the dry wood of the ancient barn wall.

You and Donnie kicked into panic mode as you both started frantically fanning the flames with your jacket in hope of blowing out the fire. Unfortunately for you the fire was already at the point of no return. Fanning it would only blow the flames further up the barn. After realizing that was only making it worse you started to kick the wall in hopes of stomping out the flames. Donnie, meanwhile, nervously shuffled in place looking for and thinking of anything he could possibly use to put out the fire. About to head in one direction before stopping and changing trajectory only to stop again to repeat the same panicked tango. Throughout this whole disaster you were both screaming at each other. Either about ideas to put the fire out or incomprehensible fear.

Eventually due to all the racket Leo and Raph came outside to see what the frick was going on. Leo, because he was trying to meditate, and Raph because you both needed to shut up.

When they saw what whas happening however, they went from annoyed to frantic real fast. Raph went inside to fill a bucket with water while Leo grabbed the hose to do the same. When Raph ran through the house he grabbed Mikey's attention as he was walking down the stairs. Then he got April and Casey's who were in the kitchen when he started impatiently filling said bucket.

Not answering any of their questions from the moment he got to the kitchen to the moment he ran out all three curious teens followed him to the smoking barn. There was no bucket by the hose so Leo had opted to just bringing the hose to the fire however the water couldn't quite reach so he was pouring water into yours and Donnies hands. You both threw water on the fire that had almost entirely engulfed flames. Safe to say, it wasn't doing much. That's when Raph splashed the wall with the contents of the bucket and put out a big portion of the fire. He then grabbed the hose from Leo's hands and began to fill up the bucket more. April yelled to you and Donnie, and motioned to Casey and Mikey. You all followed her to the basement where more buckets lie and ran back out side. Safe to say with all the water and everyone helping out the fire was finally quenched.

Luckily it all happened pretty quickly only the outside of the one wall was singed. April was not happy about it though and wanted an explanation. You were quick to confess and now your not allowed to touch glass.

Over the time that you and Donnie would spend together at the farm house you would continue to bring that incident up. While the others were less enthused about your jokes you and Donnie couldn't help but laugh.

On this specific occasion you were looking for frogs in the woods while telling Donnie a sleep a terrible dad jokes. Not a single one had made him laugh, but you knew what would.

"Stop, I think I'm gonna flatline from how bad your jokes are." Donnie motioned dramatically.

"Oh come on don't be like that. I'm on FIRE right now."

There it is.

"Pffffft. Nooo!" He giggled, "You can't just bring that up every time you tell a sucky joke."

"I don't know what you're talking about, I am incredibly talented when it comes to, lighting up a room."

A small pause was shared between you before the hysteria finally hit. Was it stupid? Yes. Was it really that funny? No. But you guys loved it.

Donnie loved it.

He loved your laugh. Your infectious smile. The way you looked at him like you really saw him. The way you listened to him like you were really hearing him. The way you would ask questions right as he was about to finish and egg him on further. The way you would say 'explain it to me', every time he showed you a new invention. Truthfully he could just start telling you but it made his heart jump in his throat in the best way. The way you would study whatever he was making trying to figure out what it is, only to turn to him with shiney eyes to say those four perfect words.

But honestly, these walks and in the forest were his favorite. Not all of them ended in disaster and when they didn't, they were usually quite comfortable. You two used to chat about your lives back in New York but eventually you both ran out of interesting things to say. So you stuck to talking about events at the farm house but there usually want much to talk about then either. Seeing as you two spent practically every waking moment together.

Even still, the silence was comfortable. It was easy to enjoy your presence. Man if he knew having a best friend would be this great he definitely would have focused less on his crush. His feelings for you were completely different from his feelings towards April in the past. He wanted to die every time he said almost anything to April, but with you? I knew he could say anything, stupid or not, and he'd be okay. And if he went to far? You told him, he'd apologize, you guys would move on, and vise versa.

"hey D?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you doing lately?"

"huh? What do you mean?... I've been doing, fine... I guess. Why do you ask?

"Well- I mean. Uhhhhhm. It's just, it's been like a month since the whole bigfoot... situation. Just wanted to check in. See how your feeling ya know?" You shrugged and kept your eyes trained on the floor while you kicked a rock.

Donnie look at you and then back forward. There's another thing you do. His family and friends care about his general well being but none of them go out of their way to ask him if he was okay randomly. He felt just fine in the moment and to most that was good enough.

"Yeah I'm feeling good. It was kinda hard at first, but I got over it a lot faster than I thought I would." Gosh had it only be a month? If you asked before then he would have told you that April was his soulmate. Now? She's definitely just a good friend. Maybe even a sister with the amount of time she spent with him and his brothers.

"Good good." You nodded. You were honestly really happy for him. You knew he was setting himself up for disappointment with April, your just glad it over.

You kept your eyes trained on the dirt in front of you. Not cuz you felt awkward anymore, that feeling was dismissed when Donnie answered your question. So no, not that. You couldn't look at him right now. Not when he basically told you, you might have a chance. Admittedly you've always thought he was the most attractive of his brothers, and you always admired his creativity and skill. But, he liked April, and there was no way you were A. getting in the middle of that whole mess, or B. signing up for having your exact house address known at all times down to the meter. However, not only has he realize that was overstepping, but he doesn't like her anymore! So can you really be blamed for smiling a little to wide at the news?

As you finished you walk and went back to the farmhouse you decided now was the time to start dropping hints. You want to be sure there was at least a 50% chance of him liking you back. Was that low? To some, maybe, but you could never be 100% sure unless he told you.

As you walked up the porch and approached the front door you leaned into Donnie softly. Like a gentle nudge almost. The first step would be to initiate more physical contact. You wanted to ease into ease into it. Jumping straight into cheek kissing like April did could end wrong in so many ways. Donnie looked at you with a quirked "eyebrow" and a slight smile like he was asking like you 'whatca' need silly?'. You simply shrugged to communicate you didn't need anything and walked into the house.

After dinner you and Donnie went back to the barn with some blankets, planning to spend a late night there. One for Donnie so he didn't get cold while he worked and one thick one for you so you didn't get cold while you sat in the truck and played games like two truths and a lie with him.

You both enter the barn and head to your respective places.

"This truck is such a lost cause." You chuckled.

"you say that everytime we stay up here."

"Because it's the truth! This truck is sad and in pain. It's old and decrepit and needs to rest. You and Casey need to let it die."

"The only way I let that truck die is if someone dies in it."

"Dang, I guess I'll have to make the noble sacrifice then."

"You say that like the car may or may not explode at any moment and you shaking into up isn't making it more likely."

At this you look up at Donnie and stop you settling into the rusty vehicle immediately. Surprise evident on your face served with a hint of actual concern. Donnie looked back at you with an unwavering expression of deadpanned unconcern.

"Gotcha."

"OH YOU JERK! I was legit worried I would actually DIE in this crappy car!"

"Didn't you call dying in that car a, what was it again? 'noble sacrifice'?"

"Oh shut up and work on your nerd thing!"

He stuck his tongue out at you and you stuck your back. You both chuckled and he turned to his work desk while you whipped out your phone. Eventually you started a game of guess the hummed song. You usually won since Donnie preferred to work in silence and never felt a need to develop a large playlist. It was fun none the less and ended when the night finally got too late and you fell asleep.

"There." He said as he finished up a part of his invention, "Hey y/n-". He paused when he noticed you fast asleep. Sighing as he moved towards you. You being fast asleep ment it had gotten too late, and while you both planned to stay out here late, he figured now was a good a time as any to go inside and get some proper sleep. He went to pick you up but before he could his breath caught.

You were deeply snuggled into your blanket rapping yourself tight in your makeshift cocoon of cotton. Your face smushed against the edge of the blanket with your body hunched as far in on itself as it can be. You looked so small and soft and... precious.

No.

He couldn't start up that sort of train of though again. He just got out of a nightmare situation with April. He no longer sought her out in any romantic way and was perfectly content being friends. That, however, did not change the simple fact that you would never be happy with someone like him. He was a freak. Whenever you thought of a romantic relationship you probably thought of doing all that normal romantic stuff like going on dinner dates or to the movies. Normalcy is something he would never be able to give you. What he could give you? Was some stolen trash and alien tech welded together and a T-phone.

Donnie took whatever feeling your squishy sleepy face had ripped to the surface and shoved it right back where it should have stayed. For your sake, and his.

Unfortunately for him attempting to sleep after returning you to your room would prove to be quite the difficult task. Images of your smiling face and sounds of your voice plagued his mind. He could so perfectly picture your focused eyes trained on where ever he directed your eyes. The thoughts of you shook him to his soul and he began to realize how the difference between his feelings for you and April wasn't in romantic inclinations. No. Rather it was in sure intensity and comfortability. He realized a bit to late the sheer depths of his affections. This time however he was determined to keep them to himself.

The next morning you detached yourself from your bed later in the day than the others. When the time came to pull together some sort of meal for yourself, you decided to go the simple route and microwave a premade breakfast. Opening the freezer you greeted ice cream kitty with a pat on the head and in return, she handed you exactly what you were looking for.

As you stared at the microwave heating your mediocre food Donnie made his way into the kitchen. He looked much more out of it than you. You could only assume that after he moved you inside to get some proper rest that he spent the rest of the night at work.

"Sleep well Don?" You asked half teasing but still wanting a real answer.

"OH! Umm- well. Not really." His tone was awkward and skittish. He barely looked at you as he got out the necessities for cereal, only shoot you quick glances only to get startled when you caught him. You got fed up with this quickly.

"What?" Though it was phrased like a question your tone made it seem almost like a statement.

"H-huh?"

"Why are you acting like I killed your mother?"

"Wha- I am not!" Finally he was looking at you properly.

"Uh huh. That's why you haven't looked me in the eye till just now. I'm not blind Donatello, I see you glancing at me when you think I'm not looking"

"I wasn't!"

"You have the persuasionary skills of a first grader, you know that?" You deadpanned.

"look I'm just- out of it right now. It's nothing." You eyed him. Donnie was many things but a good lier was not one of them.

"If you say so."

You both continued in silence for a bit longer but unlike most silences between you two this one seemed heavy. Awkward and anxious.

"How bout' a walk later then?" The woods were always good for airing out bad vibes.

"... Sure."

Even with his previous reservations in regards to his feelings for you he still wanted to be your friend. Walks in the woods were a staple for you two. And who knows? Maybe it would be just the thing to get his mind straight.

Oooooor not.

Was it a bit optimistic of him to think a walk would help with you right next to him. Probably. You both had settled into the comfortable quite that had grown to become common. The gentle breeze sat on your skin and he watched as it brushed your hair one way and the other. The sun was shining overhead casting strong shadows on the two of you from underneath the trees. The air was warm and he was acutely aware of the close proximity between you both. His skin prickled at the sensation of your arm brushing his. The crunch of the leaves beneath your feet and tweets of near by birds did little to distract him. The more he though of it the more he regretted saying yes to this walk. His heart was drumming to the sound of your gentle breaths and he wrung his brain trying to focus on the scenery.

You could tell something was still off with him from this morning. He was stiff and way more interested in the trees than he ever was before. You stood closer to him in an attempt gauge what he was feeling. You however always struggled when it came to interpreting emotions. After a few moments of heavy silence you asked.

"Donnie? What's going on?"

"I don't know what your talking about."

You stepped back, "Oh you SO do." You knew something was up and you knew he knew too.

"What?!" He thought he was doing pretty well at keeping it to himself. Had he really been that obvious?

"Look Donnie I don't know what your dealing with right now but I know it's something. I won't force you to tell me but don't lie to me about it okay?" You patted him on the shoulder for some comfort and then backed off. You were aching to hug him or squeeze his hand but you couldn't. Not now. Not as a friend.

You both walked for a little while longer until Donnie abruptly turned to you.

"Y/N!-"

"Yes?"

He grabbed your shoulders.

"It's not- I- I don't what you to think-"

"Donnie. Breath"

He looked you in the eye like he didn't want to. He had so much he wanted to say and so much he knew he couldn't. You sat him down on a beach and crouched in front of him. He took a deep breath, seeming to come to a conclusion of sorts. This time he looked you in the eyes with conviction.

"Sorry. I'm just tired is all, I didn't mean to worry you."

You eyed him suspiciously but decided to continue on your walk. Things had seemed to return to their normal flow. Fun conversation and light teasing.

You both decided to take a break on a log after a bit before heading back to the house. The air was fresh and crisp. Aside from the chitter from the occasional bird, it's was quiet. The stillness really made it feel like it was just the two of you in this little bubble. You leaned on Donnie's shoulder and sighed.

"I love you."

It was a breathy and quiet confession meant to stay in you head. If it weren't for Donnie stiffening and his short "what." you would have though that's where you said it. You calmly moved off his shoulder to look at him, hoping all he heard was incoherent mumbling.

"What?" You asked.

"Did- Did you just say you loved me?"

Well that was unexpectedly direct and problematically uncharacteristic.

"I- I uhhhhhh-" you didn't want to lie to him. You couldn't. You couldn't tell him now though! This was the worst timing imaginable! But you had no choice, you wouldn't lie to him.

"... Yeah. You don't have to say anything I don't want to burden you when your clearly going through something I just, well, we were just-" your gaze drifted to your hands as you rambled.

"I can't return you feelings."

"What? What did you say?"

"I can't return your feelings so- maybe, um, you should hang out with Casey or April more. When we get back. Today."

"oh."

You both walked back to the house in silence.

-----------------------------------------------------------

You and Donnie stopped spending as much time together after that. The others in the house noticed too but they didn't say anything. If someone did try to ask they would be met with silence or a short "everything fine."

Safe to say Raph was NOT happy about that. He had known you and Donnie long enough to know that you two not only had a thing for each other but that you were both unhappy with this arrangement.

So, he decided that if either one of you were gonna mess it up it would be Donnie.

"Alright. What did you do?" Raph questioned as he closed the barn door.

"Not now Raph, I'm busy." Donnie responded as he continued with whatever he was making.

"Oh I know. Since your too busy for y/n, you must be absolutely SWAMPED!" sarcasm dripping from his voice. This got too Donnie. Why was Raph acting like he's the bad guy?! Y/n would be happier with a human partner, they didn't know what they were saying! No one could actually LOVE a mutant monster like him.

"You don't know anything Raph, leave me alone."

"Educate me then."

"Could you not today? I'm really not in the mood."

"You know what I'm not in the mood for Donnie? Seeing you guys depressed everyday cuz you messed something up with y/n!"

"I DIDN'T MESS ANYTHING UP!" Donnie raised his voice and finally turned around, "THEIR HUMAN! THEY SHOULDN'T BE HANGING OUT WITH A BUNCH OF MUTANTS SO OFTEN!"

"Oh so suddenly because they're human they're too good for us huh? Or are you trying to say that we're to good for humans?!"

"NO! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!"

"HOW COULD IT NOT? IM A MUTANT TO!"

"BECAUSE I- ..."

"WHAT? BECAUSE YOU WHAT?"

"Nothing. It doesn't matter. Go away." Donnie shooed Raph out and turned back to his invention.

"No!" Raph grabbed him by the back of his chat and spun him around to face am directly, "answer my question. Because. you. what?"

Donnie stares Raph down but didn't breath a word.

"You're a coward Donnie." was all Raph said before turning around and slamming the door behind him.

Little did he know this would bug Donnie way more than it should've.

Raph then made his way to you, you were in bad shape.

"Hey," He said, knocking on your doorframe. You were draped over your bed staring at your ceiling and shoving expired potato chips in your face.

"hi."

"How ya feeling?"

"How am I looking?"

"Like a wreck."

All you did was snap your finger and point at him as a way of saying, "bingo".

"Look, I don't wanna bug ya but I know something happened between you and Donnie. Tell me what happened."

"You'll just laugh at me."

"If I wanted to laugh at you I would have done it by now. You don't exactly make it a hard thing to do."

"Gee, thanks."

"Come on, it might make you feel a little better."

You sighed, maybe it would. On the one hand, you haven't exactly told anyone about your feelings yet. On the other hand though, it isn't very often Raph is like this. This might be your best chance to get all of this off your chest. Deciding to take the rare opportunity you sad up and faces Raph.

"I... I don't know where to start."

"Try the beginning." Raph smiled at you. You eyed him nervously and nodded.

-----------------------------------------------------------

You had told him everything, and honestly, after saying everything out loud you felt...

Angry.

Yeah, you were kinda embarrassed about your accidental confession but what the heck was Donnie's answer?! He didn't have to return your feelings but now he didn't want to hang out with you at all? WHAT THE HECK?? Left your bed and started you way to the barn were Donnie was.

"Hey, where are you going?" Raph asked, shocked at your change in demeanor.

"To kick Donnie's butt!"

Raph laughed but made no attempt to stop you. He deserved it.

A little before you reached the barn how we Donnie had decided that Raph was right. Avoiding you was cowardly and he needed to properly talk to you. As much as he forced the distance between the two of you, he did miss you.

Before you could open the door it swung open from the other side.

"Y/N! I uhhhhhh-"

"We need to talk D."

"Uh.. YES! Yes we do! Come on in." Donnie was panicking, you looked mad. Oh geez how was he gonna say this? He was so focused on fixing things with you that he forgot to think of anything to say that would fix it. Lucky for him you started.

"So, I should hang out with April and Casey more, huh?"

Or maybe not so lucky. What was he supposed to say?

"How come we never talk anymore? You don't have to like me back but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly unable to be your friend! You were friends with April the entire time you liked her!"

"Well his situation is a little different from that but I actually wanted to fix our friendship too." Donnie said hopefully.

"How is this any different than when you liked April?" You crossed your arms utterly DONE with Donnie's nonsense.

"Oh, ummm... Th- that's not important. What is important is tha-"

"Oh nononono. What's so different?"

Why did you have to get stuck on that detail?

"It doesn't matter y/n. Was matters is that I'm sorry for avoiding you and-"

"Well it matters to me Donnie! What makes this situation so different?!."

"I think I was wrong it is pretty-"

"NO TAKE BACKS! WHAT MAKES IT DIFFERENT?"

"NOTHING I JU-"

"WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"..."

"..."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I... well I didn't plan on telling you but-"

"YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T RETURN MY FEELINGS!"

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING! IM A MUTANT! I'M NOT NORMAL! NO ONE WOULD WANT TO DATE A FREAK! YOU'D BE HAPPIER WITH A HUMAN!"

You were in complete disbelief. Did he seriously just say that?

"Are you saying this because April rejected you? I thought with the whole bigfoot ordeal you learned it had nothing to do with your looks." You flatly responded.

"I- I know that." He told you, looking to the ground.

"Donnie, your a mutant. Not a freak, not a monster, and if I was really put off by your looks I wouldn't have become friends with you in the first place. Your a mutant. That's it. It doesn't change how I feel about you. Do you honestly think my feelings for you are so shallow?"

"I don't know. I don't know what to think. I'm just... I guess I'm just scared that one day you'll look at me and think that you made a mistake. That you picked wrong."

"For a such a smart guy your pretty dumb you know that?"

He looked back at you and in that same moment you hugged him.

"I decide my feelings Donnie. Not you. I decided to love you, and if you really do love me back, maybe we could try this" you gestured to the two of you, "before immediately assuming it wouldn't work out?"

Donnie smiled and hugges you back.

"I would like that. Thank you."

-----------------------------------------------------------

And it's done! Man that took forever. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think of this one. It for sure isn't proofread but I hope you like it!

[alltheboysandgirlsiloved]

Chaos Theory review (characters' oriented review)

Since everyone is doing this, I thought I'd share my thoughts too because, to some extent, I feel like I'm in a minority here. In this post I'm going to focus mostly on the characters because there's a lot to say about the show in general and I don't have patience to write everything in one post.

spoilers under the cut

I said it yesterday and I will say it again: I absolutely loved Chaos Theory. It was action-packed, well-paced, dramatic and funny. It was everything I loved in Camp Cretaceous.

I'm especially grateful that they gave us a whole variety of emotions coming from all of characters.

I loved yasammy's conflict because it felt real and natural. Yas' PTSD being openly addressed was everything I hoped for (all of them have PTSD in some capacity but when it comes to Yas the execution was on the next level). And Sammy being fiercely overprotective over her girlfriend to the point it became too much?? That made so much sense because she had always been always protective but after the experiences in camp cretaceous, it is no wonder that this trait started to get out of her control. I don't know, it just made sense. I hope that in season 2 they go in detail about Sammy's family situation, I want her to talk about it with Yas. I'm really curious how it will play out and I can't wait to see Yas being super awesome supportive girlfriend.

I also really liked Darius and Kenji's relationship - I know, I know but hear me out. I actually enjoyed how the conflict(s) in their case seemed to keep piling up; they were growing like a fungus. I adored that little bit when Kenji mentioned that he stayed in touch with Darius' mother, while Darius didn't call her. I think it was incredible; such a small detail but tells you a lot about the years in their life that we didn't get to see.

While we are at it, I have to address the whole Darius and Brooklyn thing which I actually... didn't mind. I really didn't? And I don't mind that it was one-sided either. Maybe because it is the first (*cough*) openly addressed one-sided love story between the campers. I've always loved Darius and Brooklyn friendship, I genuinely believe that it was one of the strongest relationships in CC. It would be cool if they stayed platonic but really, I truly don't mind that one-sided love plotline. I wouldn't even call it a love triangle because to me it seems that Darius, to some extent, always knew that it was an unrequited crush, and I don't feel a sense of a privatization (between Kenji and Darius) either. You know what I actually liked about this situation? The fact that Darius didn't go to meet with Brooklyn because he was basically ashamed, embarrassed, and a little scared of his own feelings, of getting hurt. I feel like, in the long run, this is going to be incredible for his character development. Darius trying to run away from his own feelings to the point where he abandoned someone, where he tried hiding something from others? I genuinely think it added to his character and gave him additional depth. That's just my opinion though. I also think that even without that romantic plotline he would still call Brooklin after her "death". So to me, this really didn't change much other than adding more awkwardness and I had no trouble handling that (I always really liked visually the scene where Kenji and Darius were sitting in the bathtub. There was something pleasing about this)

Moving on to Kenji... Killing Daniel Kon so fast was certainly... a choice but. Kenji's reaction to his death was so well-done. It really highlighted the complex relationship that Kenji had with his father - someone he hated but who he also considered kind of a indestructible. His reaction was so heartbreaking and I was there for it.

And then there's also Ben. I'm gonna be honest - I am biased. I loved him before, I love him still so it feels unfair to write about him from my very biased perspective. Still - they could never make me hate him. I like how his character changed in so many ways but also stayed true to his core – he is adventurous and a little reckless (like a Jungle Boy that he was), and he is also soft and sensitive (that scene when he was crying when he was hiding under the truck broke me). I'm extremely curious about his background story that we barely touched upon - it is obvious that he had been living in that van for a while, which is interesting considering how he used to live on the campus and (let me remind you that) he has a loving mother that would surely support him if he decided to take a break just because he needs a break. From the looks of it, Ben seemed to be living on his own for a while – was his obsession with "being hunted" the only reason? or was there more? many questions. I am also a bit... sceptial about his girlfriend. The first time he mentioned her was not convincing to say at least, not to mention that apparently he had been living without his phone for a while now - were they talking online all this time or what? Idk, if he really has a girlfriend then first of all - the screenwriters are cowards, second of all - the relationship doesn't seem super-convincing for now.

Bonus: Mateo is one of the best characters introduced in the show, for me, he beats even Mae. He was perfect, actually perfect, I loved him. I really hope we will see him again in season 2 (above taking care of Bumpy) because I really liked his agency and his character arc.

Overall: I feel like your final review of CT depends heavily on what you tend to focus on while watching the show, and what you like in shows in general. I don't mind drama as long as it doesn't interfere with characters' personality. And I feel like a lot of choices they made in CT actually makes sense for these characters. I think it is also important to remember that this was - from what I understand - planned as a two-seasons long shows from the beginning which means that a lot of loose ends and decisions may not make sense yet but they will eventually be developed in season 2 (which would be awesome, we love consistent writing)

anyway, I only watched CT once for now, so don't quote me. I'm sure that I will have more thoughts later

[amandapearls]

Not the antis saying that Elriels are the ones that don’t care about Elain…💀🤡 Because apparently Az would do the things he does for Elain for everyone else and that he just sees her as another lover, that he wants to keep a secret.

I’ve also seen them point out that Az was still dreaming and lusting ovwr Mor when Elain was just THERE. I mean, first of all… we don’t know the extent of his feelings for Mor. We just know what everyone assumes LOL. And yeah, Az is there to save people, he defends very strongly those he cares about, but did he EVER had a reaction to anyone else like he had for Elain when she was taken for example? Nope. Alsoooo, Elriel just has a normal build up, from friends to (almost) lovers. It took some time for Az to get over whatever he was feeling for Mor. Ofc. But he developed a friendship with Elain in the meantime, that turned into something more eventually. Even in ACOSF is said pretty clear that he basically gave up to Mor. After all this time. But I’m repeating myself, we don’t know the exact extent of what he felt for Mor. Maybe he just let ppl assume lol, bc I refuse to believe he’d just act like he doesn’t get the hint from Mor for like 500 years, when he knows basically everything. Things are more complex than that.

And the ones that don’t like Elain are the ones that pair and force her with a male she doesn’t want. At all. Guess which one is that. SJM said that it’s obvious who the next book is about and she also build this ship for several books now. Just stop pretending your ship has ANY chance. The lies y’all tell yourselves just so your ship can “earn” half a point in the romance department are laughable.

I genuinely can’t wait for the day to prove y’all WRONG. 💅🏻

Goodness you guys love sending long as hell anons.

1. I’d say that if you ship Elain and Azriel then you don’t really love Elain. If you loved Elain, then you’d ship her with the person who would treat her the best and actually care about her wellbeing (aka her MATE). Also, we don’t have Elain’s POV yet, so nobody truly knows how Elain feels about her mate.

2. When Rhys confronted Azriel about Elain in the bonus chapter, Azriel did NOT say “I think I’m in love with Elain” or “she’s special to me” or “I really care about Elain”. Nothing. Instead he called her the third sister. Then let us know that he “hadn’t gotten that far in his planning, certainly NOT beyond the fantasies that he pleasured himself to”. Sounds like lust to me. And since Rhys can read minds— I’m sure he heard Azriels thoughts and knew that it wasn’t love. Rhys did the right thing here.

3. Rhys confronted Azriel about Mor in the bonus chapter and Azriel completely ignored that question. Hence, I do think Azriel still has some unresolved feelings for Mor that he needs to get over before he’s with anyone.

4. It’s stated multiple times throughout the book series that Azriel looks at Mor with “heat and longing”. And at the end of ACOMAF, when Azriel was poisoned he still tried to protect Mor. His sole focus was on Mor. So I’m pretty sure his feelings for Mor are spot on with what other characters have said in the books.

5. Sarah stated it was obvious and it is. The next book will be Azriel’s with Gwyn as his love interest. I think Azriel will finally get over his unresolved feelings for Mor in his book and he will fall in love with Gwyn. Based off ACOSF and the bonus chapter, I think it’s clear that they’re definitely mates. Especially since Gwyn is the only female to ever make Azriel feel a “spark in his chest”. Sounds like mates to me.

Can’t wait for the next book announcement too ❤️❤️

[ragingstillness]

Recently caught up on the Black Butler anime and manga and it just reminded me of how much I love the series. Also made me realize that the last time I caught up was so long ago that I’ve never written any meta for it and I have things to say:

Obviously the selling point of the series and what fascinates me the most is the relationship between Sebastian and Ciel (note: NOT a romantic relationship! Relationship as in a connection between two people). They have one of my favorite kind of relationships which is one that doesn’t really fit in any typical relationship boxes. It’s too nebulous, too flexible for it. Are they father and son? No not really. Are they siblings? Definitely not although they do occasionally fight that way. Hero and sidekick? Nope. Cousins? No. Teacher and student? No, they switch those roles around too much. The closest I can get is Bodyguard and Client but even that doesn’t fit. The only right word is partners but partners in what is not clear.

There’s multiple motivations on Sebastian’s side. He’s clearly intrigued by Ciel and by humanity in general, albeit not enough to feel anything about killing them. He’s hungry, eager to eat Ciel’s soul. He’s invested in Ciel and his goals because of this. But he’s also protective of Ciel and Ciel’s mission. Somewhere along the line that change occurred and imo we see that change confirmed during the Campania arc.

Ciel returns this new understanding when he orders Sebastian to rest after fighting zombies all night and comments on having never seen Sebastian injured before. The barrier of untouchable immortality between them has come down a bit. They have always schemed together but in the arcs that follow they seem to be working more together than working alongside each other.

Above all else, my hc is that Sebastian is bored, or was bored, with the life of a demon who quickly devoured souls. And Ciel, Ciel is interesting. He doesn’t act like the humans Sebastian has eaten before and he’s entirely unafraid of him, confidently striding into his own doom. That’s a new experience for him. It’s worth enough, adds some undefined richness to Ciel’s soul, that makes it worth the wait.

Ciel’s motivations for beginning the relationship are incredibly transparent. He was in danger and he cried out for help. He was weak and needed a strong ally. He was afraid and needed a protector. Over time that grew into having duties as the Queen’s Watchdog and needing an impossible secret weapon to wield.

Ciel’s motivation to continue the relationship and the way he reacts to Sebastian is more complex. He likes being the king, likes feeling invincible, and Sebastian’s presence gives him that. But at several points during the series he is forced to stand on his own. He faces down Madam Red alone, he destroys the circus’ “Father” alone, he utilizes social engineering to ingratiate himself to the other students alone, and he has to keep both himself and Lizzie safe alone on the Campania.

Of course Sebastian joins him eventually in every one of these situations but slowly Ciel realizes that he can’t rely on Sebastian to save him 100% of the time and begins to develop skills of his own. Of course this comes to a head on the Campania when he sees Sebastian get seriously injured for the first time and has to come to terms with his invincibility being fallible. At that point he’s faced with a choice, to give in to fear and lash out at Sebastian for not being perfect or to accept the limitations and resign himself to being scared yet charge forward bravely. He stops seeing Sebastian as untouchable and while he certainly doesn’t forget that Sebastian isn’t human, he begins to treat him more as a person who is working with him towards the same goal. He even reciprocates the protectiveness a tad, in asking Sebastian to rest and also in his taunts to Ronald that “his butler could never be so weak as to lose to him” (paraphrasing).

The manga bears this pattern out, with the two of them sticking closer together than before when they go into the forest, seeking treatment together, not spending time alone, sticking close for the idol arc and partnering up for the current arc. Some of that closeness is fear, but it’s also an acknowledgement that they work better together than independently. There’s less of Ciel as a damsel in distress and more fighting together, tricking people together, discussing mysteries together.

And even still, the relationship is impossible to pin down. Partners in crime implies a similar skill level and a similar age (generalizing) which is certainly not the case here. Sebastian can do pretty much anything Ciel can, except for the things that only Ciel can do, such as leveraging his peerage and making connections based on human emotions, which Sebastian doesn’t have and doesn’t understand. The differences in age, in socialization, in levels of empathy, in species, in opinion, they are too tangled to come up with a single label and I love it.

I could gush about all the other reasons I love this series but it’s late and I have work in the morning so I’ll cut it here for now. Anyway, would love to hear people’s thoughts.

[bluegekk0]

How many languages are spoken in Hallownest? If there are multiple, what would the family know?

There are a few different languages spoken by the main tribes, though they all share a common ancestor and so have a lot of similarities. The main differences come down to the accents and pronunciation of some words, which were a result of the different tribes having varying mouthparts capable of producing unique sounds. The language of the Mantis Tribe, for example, is very hiss-like in its pronunciation, which can make it difficult to understand if you're an outsider. I would say that every main tribe had its own language, with the Mushroom Clan language being the most alien, requiring translations to be understood. For the other languages, simple communication is possible due to the aforementioned similarities, though there are more complex words and structures that differ significantly.

However, there is an official language that was introduced in Hallownest when it became a kingdom. The language was a combination of The White Lady's language (which is essentially the ancestor language in its purest form, though with an accent unique to her), some elements of the language Vyrm spoke among his own kind, as well as elements from the individual languages. In general, it did not take long for it to develop, since as I mentioned before, the languages already had similarities.

The official language was there to make communication within the kingdom and outside of it a lot more efficient (having to learn only one language was certainly helpful to any visitors). Although the kingdom is no more, the language is still the main one in use throughout Hallownest thanks to the trade route that connects the settlements, as well as the large population of the City of Tears that uses it. The old languages still exist, they are taught and used within the tribes, which also means that they were able to preserve their own accents.

And speaking of accents, I like to imagine there are two "main" ones: one closer to the royal accent The White Lady speaks in (this accent is also found in the City of Tears), and one that is closer to what the language used to sound like (nowadays, Dirtmouth is the largest population which uses it, and it remained that way throughout the kingdom's time due to its distance from the palace, which made it somewhat isolated from the crown's linguistic influence). For the "Dirtmouth" accent, something like this is what I have in mind, with a big emphasis on the rolled R sound; sharp is a word I'd use to describe it. The "royal" accent on the other hand would be softer than that, though I don't have a good example yet.

As for the family, they speak in the official language, and with the Dirtmouth accent (which they adjusted to over the years). The whole family also knows a simple sign language, mainly introduced by Grimm to help them communicate with Holly. But for more details:

Vyrm - his fragmented memory means that he cannot speak the language of his homeland, aside from knowing a few words. He does, however, know elements from the ancestor language that he learned when studying the soul essence tablets near the Hallownest territory. And of course, he's fluent in the official Hallownest language. As for the accent, he used to speak in the royal one, but conversations with Grimm, and then later moving into Dirtmouth, made him slowly adjust to the "native" accent (the one I called the Dirtmouth accent earlier). This means there were two periods where his speech was somewhat inconsistent: during his rule and after moving to the town. 10 years later, I like to think he fully adjusted to the Dirtmouth accent

Grimm - since he originates from the Hallownest land, his natural accent has always been the "Dirtmouth" accent. Same goes for the language, he can speak the ancestor language of Hallownest fluently. However, years of travel as well as the changes in Hallownest resulted in him knowing a bunch of different languages, including the official one used in Hallownest. The same applies to accents, to the point he can switch between them mid-conversation. However, since he moved into Dirtmouth, he uses his native accent on a daily basis.

Hornet - she's in a similar situation to Vyrm accent-wise, though she doesn't know any languages aside from the official Hallownest one. She was too young to absorb anything from the Deepnest tribe when it comes to language and accents.

Holly - they can't speak using words, but they have learned the simple sign language that Grimm taught them and the others.

Zote - he's an interesting case as he's not from Hallownest, which means he had to learn its language. The one from his birthplace (a small town named Lonestump; located in Shiverwinds, a land found to the west of Hallownest), and the official Hallownest language. I do think they're not super different, but he does have some difficulties understanding certain words and phrases from the Hallownest speech. The accent of his homeland is similar enough to the Dirtmouth accent that he was able to adjust easily, though he can sound a little strange at times.

Lewk, Asta and Milo - they're the youngest so whatever is spoken in Dirtmouth is what they know. Lewk can hold a conversation, Asta and Milo only talk in simple sentences. But they are taught the official Hallownest language, and they absorbed the Dirtmouth accent. They're also being taught the sign language by Grimm, and I like the idea of him teaching them some of the other languages he knows once they're older.

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Her avoidance

She can talk. She can fight. She can quit. But can she really open up?

Can she open up about her feelings? About her vulnerabilities? About her fears? Can she not be strong for a sec? Can she admit she dropped a ball? Can she cry in public? Can she break in front of someone important to her? Can she let go of her G woman mask for a sec and be just Sydney, the woman who does not get it all together at all times? The one who feels relegated and thus hurt by her business partner? Can she voice her needs and frustrations about it in an honest conversation that invariably will take an emotional turn?

Can she, not during an argument, but during a heart-to-heart conversation really voice out how she feels and why? Can she put her needs into words assertively and clearly, without having to resort to anger?

Because anger is not always an explosion during an argument or a result of a stressful situation. No. For avoidants, anger is also a fuse that blows after the avoidant mechanisms have done their job for a while covering up what has been really simmering underneath the surface for far too long. Then the burst of anger happens as a consequence of that not as a proactive behavior, and usually comes accompanied by other emotions, such as frustration, guilt, grief sometimes, etc.

Can Syd really open up to Carmy or to anyone else for that matter, like she once did under that table or in the back alley? -both situations initiated by Carmy btw, not by her-

Can Syd really stop avoiding talking about things that hurt her or that would put her vulnerability on full display?

Can Syd open up about any emotion or situation that DOES NOT solidify her G woman persona?

She operates from that G woman level at all times. Even around her father. She's self-sufficient, strong, hard-working, courageous, intelligent, talented, extroverted, talkative, can be a social butterfly, etc. BUT CAN SHE OPEN UP ABOUT ANYTHING THAT UNDERMINES THAT DEMEANOR SHE HIDES BEHIND AT ALL TIMES?

My guess is YES. She can. She chooses not to, though. Because she's avoidant in nature, which is probably rooted in her motherless upbringing. Not saying she lacked love and nurturing here, in fact I strongly believe she had all of that and I went over that here already. Syd is fine (IK it doesn't look like it rn) and she will be OK because of that. I'm sure. She's got this.

But she grew up without a mother nonetheless. And that took its toll on her. Of course it did, how could it not? Her getting along pretty much effortlessly with Nat and Tina (both mother figures) has a lot to do with that.

Growing up without a mother, no matter how great a job your father does to compensate for that absence, will, in one way or another, result in abandonment issues that don't necessarily have to be limitant although they can certainly be at some points of our lives, especially when exposed to highly stressful situations or life-changing events. Or when you know someone that turns your whole life upside down.

It's a delicate ecosystem.

In this delicate ecosystem, Syd's ecosystem, she developed a very sophisticated type of avoidance that does not cancel out her extroverted ways, they are actually fully compatible with it and highly valued in the professional realm:

Emotional avoidance

Emotional avoidance is a preemptive strike to avoid things that are perceived as threats and are associated with experiencing and/or expressing certain feelings that would jeopardize the G woman complex upon which her entire personality is built in her case. It's a defense mechanism, nothing else.

As long as it can be controlled, this mechanism, is not a big deal and can even work in our favor because it helps us to compartmentalize, when necessary. Now, when this avoidance causes conflicts to stay unresolved (I'm talking about a definitive resolution, not a quick patch) to the point of triggering panic attacks or insomnia, etc. then that avoidance has to be tackled differently because it becomes a problem.

It's important to clarify that this doesn't have to be permanent but rather consistent, meaning: it doesn't have to ALWAYS be the case.

But as long it's the PREDOMINANT TRAIT -which results in frequent issues that could be prevented or solved by not behaving this way, by not avoiding really opening up about feelings, by not postponing certain uncomfortable conversations, by not avoiding the conflict those conversations may bring to the surface, and again I am not talking about waiting for the anger to hit the fan and having a day of fury (great movie BTW), I'm talking about opening up about emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, the painful ones and putting all of that into words, clear words, assertive words. Even if that means tapping into a vulnerability that causes us unease - then it's a problem. A big one.

Effective communication

I'm talking about communicating effectively as I mentioned here and here.

For that communication to happen, her avoidant ways will have to be addressed and managed. I wish Syd, just like Carmy, would go about it in therapy, but mostly likely, taking into account that Sydney is Storer's creation, it will be forced upon her via the worst-case scenario or something along the lines of "traumatic". Like the inevitable convo Carm and her will have to have at some point and it won't be pretty. But it certainly is necessary. So, she will have to open up about what she feels for him and all the implications and base her decision on that, on all the things and feelings she's either in denial about, not ready to admit or avoiding.

That means that being Carmy's counterpoint in this case will allow her to work on her own unsolved issues, which include but are not limited to:

Avoidance

In return, her mere presence in Carmy's life allows and also forces him to improve whatever he needs to improve in himself to keep her by his side.

Like I said→ They complement each other. And they mirror each other.

Bonus track: Emmanuel Adamu is the only one she really opens up to (except Carmy when there's a table involved) and even THAT she finds hard to do as well. They love each other but their conversations, when tap into her vulnerabilities or fears turn into arguments that end up leaving her frustrated and obfuscated because he forces her to quit avoiding talking about certain topics Syd prefers to avoid.

That qualifies as class A avoidance when you have a problem letting your guard down even in front of your own father, the person you love the most in this world and who you know for a fact that will never hurt you and whose sole purpose is loving you and protecting you. So, anyone who comes after him, will not have it easy either. Obviously. Well, Carmy happens to be the one who comes after and he's as talented for avoidance and evasion as he is in the kitchen, so no wonder we are trapped in this limbo S3.

But we have a way out of here. I'm positive. In whatever way they want to do it, this effective communication will happen between them at some point. And if nothing works, they will always have a table to get under, I mean it's a restaurant, they have plenty of tables there, they just have to use them wisely ;)

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋