#i cant wait to never see these people again
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Chapter 3- Easier Said Than Done
Summary: Frankie's been by your side through some of the hardest moments in your life. Three years have gone by, and now there's no one you want to see less when you find yourself at your lowest.
Word Count: 4.1K
Pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader (reader has a name/nickname)
Warnings: Angst, yearning, mentions of death, sick parent, descriptions of a panic attack, hospitals, teenage Frankie's back at it again making it impossible for us to hate him!!
A/N: Hello, my name is Madeline and I am unable to stop writing gut wrenching angst and yearning. (Hi, Madeline). Maybe one of these days I'll stop sobbing like an idiot when I write, but I fear that day may not be coming any time soon
All The Things We Never Said Masterlist
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You, Spring of 2006, Age 17
Most people say it’s the smell of hospitals they can’t stand. For you, it’s the noise. The constant chaos of voices, monitors, sirens, carts clattering as they roll across the never ending linoleum floor drives you insane. Even when it’s quiet, it’s still never silent. There’s always an ever present reminder looming in the distance to not get too comfortable. The inevitable fear that something could go wrong, and have you wishing that all you had to listen to was the ambiance of continual pandemonium.
That’s why it’s such a relief when you hear the quiet ping of your cell phone resting on the edge of your chair. It’s enough to drown out everything else for a little while.
Frankie :))))))
Hey where r u?
Game starts soon and I cant find u
Katie and Morgan said they havent seen u either
R u ok?
You
Yeah I’m ok.
Dad passed out and hit his head. Mom wasn’t home so I had to take him to the ER.
Called Coach K in the ambulance to tell her I won’t be there.
It’s times like these that it takes everything in you to remind yourself that missing big events to keep your dad alive is better than going to big events without him being here. But when you’re decked head to toe in your soccer uniform, sitting on the edge of your seat in a crowded emergency room instead of getting ready to start the last game of your senior year, it’s hard not to feel a little bitter about it.
You read back over Frankie’s texts as you wait for his response, doing the quick math in your brain before frantically typing back.
You
Wait, didn’t you have to work tonight? Are you at the field?
Frankie :))))))
Called off work weeks ago
U really think I would miss ur last game? Cmon Kenz
Guess its not a surprise anymore. Surprise! lol
You hope the nurse passing by doesn’t notice the way you’re grinning like an idiot at your phone, biting down on your bottom lip to keep your smile from growing so wide it’ll hurt your cheeks. You re-read the last three texts over and over, your face growing warmer each time. You’re not sure why you’d expect anything less. It still never fails to make you feel like your heart is seconds away from bursting at the seams.
Of course he came.
So lost in your train of thought, you hadn’t seen a fourth text pop up across your screen, only the fifth text of “???” that preceded it.
Frankie :))))))
R u at memorial or westwood hospital?
???
You
Memorial. Why?
Frankie :))))))
Be there in 15
You
Frankie you don’t have to do that
Frankie :))))))
2 L8! Already leaving! See u soon!
The tears welling in your eyes were most definitely ones of relief, joy even, that Frankie cared enough to attempt to make it to a soccer game you weren’t even at, let alone forgo a night’s worth of pay to drive himself to the hospital to see you.
Your momentary excitement comes to a sudden stop as onslaught of bodies rush into your room to examine your dad. You’re quick to realize you’ve once again been caught up in a stampede where you’re nothing but another person in the way. An invisible presences that means nothing to anyone in this room. It makes the once blissful wetness welling in the corners of your eyes start to sting with a vengeance.
But you’ve come very quickly to learn that crying doesn’t help anyone, especially when you’re not the one dying.
You try not to let it hurt when your mom doesn’t even acknowledge the fact you’re sporting the jersey of the team you were supposed to start playing with twenty minutes ago, like you had brought your dad to the hospital in your uniform because that and your cleats were the easiest thing to throw on before you called 911. It’s even harder to try not to scream at the fact she barely pays your presence any mind, not even so much as a ‘thank you’ for getting your dad to the hospital in one piece. What’s the most painful is that you’re positive that she, or anyone else, even notices you’re gone when you slip out the door.
You’re here so often that the hospital staff don’t mind that you pace up and down the rows of the waiting room. Sure, they’ll be sending you a bill for the hole you’re burning through their carpet eventually, but that’s not today’s problem.
Right now, part of the reason for your frantic pacing is to cool off some steam so you don’t say something you’ll regret about your dad’s cancer having the audacity to ruin the most important soccer game of your life to date.
You’re also here so often, the hospital staff know Frankie. So much so, that your favorite receptionist, Cassandra, has more than definitely broken several hospital rules to let Frankie stick around long past visiting hours when you’ve needed it most. That’s why all she has to do is give you that look to break you from your vicious cycle of pacing to let you know when he’s arrived through the sliding glass doors of the front entrance.
Most times, he at least makes it a few steps inside before you notice him. Tonight, he’s barely halfway through the door before you’re wrapping your arms around him in the tightest hug you have to muster. He pulls you in even tighter.
It’s then that the reality of it all starts to set in. Your best friend had to drive to meet you at the hospital because he’s the only one that remembers you have a soccer game tonight. Your dad is in a cyclical pattern of slowly dying that leaves you feeling like a terrible person for even wishing things were different. You’ve spent the past nine of your seventeen years of life only knowing a world that revolves around cancer. For nine years, you’ve never complained that this is the way your life has been. Tonight, you’ve decided that the weight of the world is un-fucking-fair.
Tonight, you’re not the one dying, but crying seems like the only reasonable thing left to do.
You should be embarrassed by how loud your sobs are, how quick the damn breaks once your body finally lets you give into the pain. These are the kind of tears that make your whole body shake, the ones that make your chest hurt because you can’t catch your breath, gasping for air like some poor, lifeless fish, begging to be thrown back to the sea.
Frankie’s seen you cry before, but not like this. You should care about how your tears are staining the fabric of his t-shirt, how he’s the only thing keeping you standing while your body feels like it’s about to give out underneath you. You hadn’t said a word to each other before you’d collapsed in his arms in a sobbing heap, but right now you don’t care. You can’t.
You’re sure words are exchanged at some point as he practically carries you out to his truck, at least giving you the decency to finish crying without unwanted eyes in the waiting room glued to you, but right now, you can’t remember.
You’re not sure how long it takes you to get back to the point of being able to breathe at a semi-normal pace, but something tells you that Frankie will hold you for as long as you need him too, crying or not.
He gently strokes your back, his thumb tracing over the fabric of your jersey as it draws small circles over and over, a sweet and simple dance of his fingers that steadies you just enough to keep from flying away.
“It’s okay, Kenz. It’s okay.” It’s melodic the way Frankie coos it in your ear, like he’s trying to hush a fussy baby fighting sleep. It’ll take time, persistence and patience, but lucky for you, he’s got all three in spades. “I promise you’re okay. I’m here.”
“This fucking sucks.” It’s not elegant or graceful, but it’s the truth, and right now, it’s all your brain can process.
“I know it is, Kenzie. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not fair. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life worrying that this is the last day I see him. I just want life to be normal. I just wanna go play my stupid fucking soccer game. It’s not fucking fair.” You ball your fists against Frankie’s chest, pounding into him like he’s the one responsible for your hurt and anger. He’s not the one you need to take it out on, but he’s all you have. You hope he knows it’s not his fault he’s become your emotional punching bag as he takes blow after blow, despite how weak your swings are. You’ve got no strength left to fight.
“I know. It’s not fair. It’s not fair, MacKenzie.”
He takes it all until you have nothing left to give. You’ve lost a game no one ever has a chance of winning. Defeat is the unwanted trophy life rewards you with, but Frankie stands at the podium with you. He’ll take the hits if it helps ease the blow.
“Will you be okay if I’m gone for five minutes? Just five, I promise, and then I’ll be right back.” His question catches you off guard, breaking you from your agitated state, nodding your head just enough to give him the permission he needs to race back through the doors of the hospital as you climb into his passenger seat.
His truck gives you the kind of familiarity the hospital doesn’t. It’s hard not to find irony in the fact you feel safer in his piece of junk car where the wheels could give out beneath you at any moment than you do in a building that is built for saving people’s lives. Maybe it’s because his truck is filled with the memories of moments in life that make you feel like things are going to be okay.
With the way Frankie’s breathing as he jumps into the driver’s seat, it’s hard to think he’s not back in less than two minutes, rather than five. He doesn’t say a word to you as he cranks the ignition, only a little prayer under his breath that now’s not a time his engine has chosen to give out on him. He doesn’t let you ask any questions until you’re already on the road.
“Frankie, what’s- Frankie what are you doing?”
He’s got that crazed kind of look in his eyes he gets when he’s hellbent on making something happen. He always likes to say that you’re the stubborn one. It makes you wonder the last time he’s taken a good, hard look at himself in the mirror.
“I’m taking you to your game.”
He says it so matter of factly, like his response to nearly kidnapping you out of the Memorial Hospital parking lot shouldn’t warrant any questions.
“What?! Frankie! I can’t just-”
“The doctor in the room said he’s stable and he probably won’t be conscious for the next few hours anyways. Your mom said it’s fine. I’m not letting you miss out on this. You deserve to get to play, Kenz.”
You’re not sure at that moment if you want to kiss him or slap him across the back of the head. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
“Frankie, I-”
“I’ll turn around and take you back if you want me to, but I don’t think you want me to turn around.”
God, maybe you do want to kiss him.
“I hate you, Francisco, I hope you know that.”
“I know. It’s okay, you play better when you’re angry, anyways.”
It’s always the little smirk in the corner of his mouth. The one he makes when he knows he’s right. It’s the same smirk he makes when he greets you after you’ve scored two goals to help your team win the last game of your high school career. The same one he gives you when he buys you ice cream to celebrate with two scoops of cookie dough instead of one, because you won’t stop laughing at his stupid joke about your big appetite for winning.
That night, you fall asleep on his couch, too tired to drive back to the hospital, too scared to sleep in your house alone. You’re not sure if you mean to doze off with your head resting against his thigh like some sort of makeshift pillow. It’s easiest just to blame it on the fact you’re too exhausted to get up. But as you close your eyes and drift to sleep, you’re almost sure that the only muscle Frankie dares to move is the one that pulls the line of his lips into that same smirk you’d rather die than live without.
You, Present
You’re shocked your initial response to seeing Frankie Morales for the first time in three years wasn’t immediately slamming your front door in his face and telling him to fuck off.
That’s what your body wanted you to do. For as badly as it did, your some part of your brain wouldn’t let you.
It’s probably the same, stupid part of your brain that won’t let you stop staring at him, either.
He looks good. Way better than you’d like him to. It doesn’t seem fair that he somehow manages to find a way to return home more handsome than when he left. It happens every damn time. You swear he does it on purpose. You don’t know how he could, but that’s what you tell yourself. It makes it easier to hate him.
“I didn’t know you were home.”
It’s probably the worst thing you could have said to break the awkward silence stewing between you, because you both know it’s a dirty lie. But at this point, you’re far past granting Frankie the privilege of being a part of the truth- you’ll give him your version of the truth that you want him to hear. You’re not letting him have the upper hand.
“Yeah. I uh- got home this morning.”
Good to know the best either of you could do was reduce your relationship down to nothing but lying. If that’s the game he wants to play, then so be it.
“Drive was good?”
“Yeah.” Lie. “You?”
“Fine.” Lie.
For as much as you know the lies hurt, it’s the curveball you hit him with next that you hope stings the worst.
“I didn’t think you were gonna come.”
Because that was the truth. The way his face drops tells you the guilt ridden punch you’ve socked him with hits exactly where you want it to. You want the truth to hurt more. You want it to hurt just as bad as the way his truth hurt you.
“Of course I was gonna come.”
It’s a poor attempt at a swing back. He showed up with a knife at your gun fight. He knows well enough you won’t show him any mercy.
“Wouldn’t have been the first time you hadn’t shown up for something important, Frankie.”
“Your dad’s fucking dying MacKenzie, what makes you think I wouldn’t be here?”
“Well, he’s been dying for the past three years so I’m glad you’re deciding to show up when it’s convenient for you.”
That one shuts him up real fucking fast.
His jaw ticks as he takes a deep breath, staring up at the sky like there’s something written in the clouds that will give him instructions on what to say next. There’s not much he could say at this point that would shock you, but Frankie never ceases to be full of surprises, whether you like it or not.
“I’m- fuck- I’m sorry, Kenz. I’m sorry.”
That shuts you up even quicker.
It shuts you up because you know he’s not lying. The truth is buried in the way his voice breaks at the start of your name, the way the “K” trembles off his tongue and shakes in the back of his throat.
Your heart is mangled in your chest, hearing him say the two words you’d never thought you’d get and realizing you can’t accept it.
“Sometimes sorry isn’t enough, Frankie.”
Neither of you are sure what to say. It’s tough to tell if the fight is over because Frankie’s stabbed you to death and you’ve unloaded every last bullet you had, or if you decided to put your weapons down and walk away before any casualties have occurred. While it’s hard to deny it’s the latter of the two options, at least the first one would have been the honorable way to go.
“Honey, is that Frankie at the door? Let him in, MacKenzie, don’t make him stand out there!”
If there’s one thing you can always count on your mom for, it's that she’ll never fail to have impeccable timing, for better or worse.
You don’t intend for the sigh you let out to be as loud as it is, but it certainly makes it clear to Frankie you aren’t happy about obliging to your mom’s request. You expect him to pass you like you don’t exist, entering your house to greet the two of the three family members who still care about him enough to not burn a hole through his chest every time they look at him, but he doesn’t. He waits for your okay, frozen on the porch until the subtle shrug of your shoulders signals you’ve given him the all clear to pass. He wants to know you’ll at least let him through unscathed for now.
You follow behind him as he enters your house, trying to ignore the fact you’re entranced by the dark brown curls that still tickle the nape of his neck as he walks, or how the width of his shoulders nearly stretch from one end of the door frame to the other. You’re starting to regret not letting him follow you in instead.
You nearly bump into him with how quick he is to freeze once he sees the state of your living room. In the past few weeks, it’s made a terrible transformation from the space you once knew to a makeshift hospital room. The hospice workers had crowded your house with beds, oxygen tanks, and a wheelchair your dad refuses to sit in, an endless puzzle of enough supplies to let your father die in his own home, rather than the cold, sterile wasteland of the nearest hospital.
You’d been able to ease yourself into your dad’s decline. You’d watched the months leading up to now as his body became weaker and sicker, reducing down to nothing but bones and deep, dark set eyes. You were a first hand witness to how cancer had greedily sucked every ounce of life he had left in him, taking and taking until he had nothing left to give.
Last time Frankie saw your dad he was in remission. He looked good, healthy, even. That was three years ago. Frankie would have never imagined barely being able to recognize the man that was the closest thing to a real father he’d ever get.
You want to scream at him that it’s his own damn fault he’s this shocked when he comes face to face with the shell of the man your dad used to be. But with the way you can practically see the guilt oozing out of Frankie with every step he takes towards the near lifeless body lying in the misplaced hospital bed in your living room, you can’t help but let your empathy get the best of you.
“Hi Frankie, how are you? It’s so good to see you, honey.”
Even though your mom knows you’re seconds away from wanting to dropkick Frankie off the face of the earth, there are few things she’ll ever let get in the way of her warm and welcoming demeanor.
Frankie’s still borderline speechless as your mom grabs the tray of cookies he’s been awkwardly toting before she embraces him, arms still glued to his sides like he’s too afraid to move. The way she’s got him in the hug gives him no choice but to stare at the unsettling image of your dad over her shoulder, barely strong enough to turn his head to see what all the fuss is about.
“H-hi, Mrs. Anderson. I’m okay. It’s good to see you, too.”
“Is that my Frank the Tank? C’mere, kiddo. I was hopin’ I’d get to see you.”
The past few weeks have made you shed enough tears to last a lifetime. Never once did you expect the thing that would make you cry the hardest out of everything you’d been through was hearing the long lost excitement in your dad’s voice upon Frankie’s return.
It’s childish, the way you storm upstairs and slam your bedroom door behind you without a word, heat seething through your veins at the way your dad was so quick to forgive, welcoming Frankie back into his home like a day hadn’t passed, like he had been there right alongside him every step of the way through his descent. Your blood boils at the fact your father can’t be bothered to remember that Frankie had been nowhere to be found for three fucking years. Not a text, not a call, not even a “Frankie says hi!” through his mother four doors down.
You can deal with the embarrassment of throwing a full blown temper tantrum later, but that’s more tolerable than spending another second in the same room as Frankie.
“Well,” your dad huffs, his face grimaced with sarcasm as he looks back and forth between your mom, Frankie, and the empty presence you’d left behind, “that went well.”
“Sorry about that, she’s um-”
“She’s fine. Just stubborn.” Your dad grumbles, cutting off your mom with the best attempt he can make to raise his arm from the bed and wave her off.
“No, I uh- it’s fine, I just- I should probably get going, don’t wanna take um- take up too much of your time.” Frankie’s heart sinks in the uncomfortable silence, quietly cursing himself for the mess he’s made.
“It’s what, 8 o’clock in the morning? You got a bingo game at the senior center you need to get to, young man?”
“No, I just-”
“Perfect, no is the only word I needed to hear.” Your dad weakly smiles, gently patting the edge of the bed for Frankie to join him.
Your heart winces hearing the heavy footsteps a floor below you from your bedroom, knowing the direction they’re heading is only further into your house and not back out the front door where you’d prefer him to be.
Thank goodness your dad has lost the ability to speak loud enough for you to hear the words that follow the thumps of Frankie’s feet.
“Frankie, I’ve lived a very happy life. There are few things about it I’d change. But you know just as well as me that my daughter is the one who so lovingly inherited my stubbornness. Lucky for me, God knows I’m stubborn enough not to die until you and her figure this out. Unlucky for the both of you, that my time for stubbornness is starting to run thin.”
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☕how the writers delt with river song
SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP THEY DID MY GIRL SO DIRTY there are so many. good river song moments. and there are so manythat make me want to tear a strip off steven moffat like every goddamn episode with her they have to make some obnoxious sex joke or some Honey Im Home type shit & i understand this is like. A Moffat Theme & i dont always hate it but goddddd its so reductive like there is so much!!!! that could be done with her character !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is overshadowed by haha what if she was sexy like STOPPPPPPPPPPPP.
like silence in the library was a really good character lead in & i like her!!! as a character !!!! even the overly flirtatiousness unfortunately that would work on me but even aside from that. she is a good character let down but the sheer pull-it-out-of-your-ass writing of her backstory. like?? she could regenerate cos she was conceived in the tardis okay thats really cool much weirder stuff has happened when it comes to tardises & making babies but then WE SeE THIS FOR LIKE. ONE OR TWO EPISODES BEFORE THEYRE LIKE WHOOPS THAT DOESNT WORK ACTUALLY COS SHE'S DEAD UHHH SHE BETTER UHMM IDK SAVE TH E DOCTOR OR SOMETHING WHATEVER> COS HER ENTIRE LIFE HAS TO REVOLVE AROUND HIM. HASHTAG MARRIAGE AMIRITE like even the fact that her entire life was shaped around him isnt a Bad Idea it just feels like no one considered the tragic impies (implications) of this, & simultaneously doing amy so dirty in the process as well like??? she loses baby mels & then discovers she was her (never previously mentioned) childhood friend but then she uhhhh dies & turns into this woman you already know and them????? barely eveer mention it again???? holy shit?????????????????????? amy & river is a freaking horror story but one that the writers seem imcapable of dealing with because sOMEONE is too busy making obnoxious jokes about married life
a lot of thsi is specific to the General Vibes of the eleven era stuff as well which was in general so so weird about women & while its not like twelve or any of teh other doctors are expemt from this eleven is a massive dick to people quite a bit & a lot of this falls on river b/c he is seemingly (iirc i havent seen some of this stuff for a while though it Haunts Me) almost careless? with her? like a sort of 'welllllll she's here now so it was all okay in the end :)' sort of attitude ignoring that she went through A Fuckton Of Stuff before she was even a concious human(mostly??) being
even the husbands of river song is tragically guilty of some of that stuff like. she's seen some wild shit & she should have known it was twelve wayyyyyy way way quicker. like i understand why she didnt for plot reasons but she is in fact very intellegent like. she's allowed to show that. unfortunatley sometimes women cant be smart & have their boobs out at that same time I GUESSSSSSSSS
also the nine & river audios from earlier this year? i really like archipelago i listened to that a couple of times & i thought it was really powerful but AGAIN the writers make river So Fucking Obsessed With Romance like. you'd let it go by that point. nine had literally just proved he's the most aro guy in the universe (good for him) and shes stillllllll flirting at him. which. imo she wouldnt do anymore because, shock horror, she does actually like him as a person & values his company and you would think you would be friends wit hthe guy YOU ARE GONG TO MARRY OR WHATEVER. NOT THAT THEIR MARRIAGE WAS PARTICULARLY ROMANTIC EITHERIM GONNA BE SO REAL. obviously sex is important to her & good for her but yikes. it doesnt need to be mentioned so often.
like its the whole 'inherent tragedy of waiting for a time traveller' stuff which i do eat up every time meeting her in silence of the library & knowong that there is so much more there - VERY COMPELLING !! really good character intro augahagaauuaajaaajahhahahahhhh but nooooo her Entire Fucking Goddman Life has to revolve around being manipulated & The Doctor AS WELL AS !! the completely uncalled for ohhhh im a PSYCHOPATH ( <- unfounded & demonstrably untrue lowkey this is saneism right. thats an ableism there yes? ) thing they alllwaysssss have her say like well!! shes not !! theres 'youre talking about commiting a murder'/'no im not, i'm actually commiting a murder' which i like & is funny & she would say that and then theres teh vauge oooohhhhh im so Freaky & I Have A Gun or whatevr like augsugsaihuahahaouoauauoouauoauoauoauuo
also twelve & river had freaky t4t bi4bi aroallo sex after the end of husbands of river song but no actual dw writer is enlightened enough to see that because they have to flatten her into The Doctors Wife & she would have had a far better dynamic with 12 than with 11 (not that i'm biased) i wish they got more time togetherrrrrrrrrrr also you should listen to the bekdel test (diary of river song audio with missy)
#tldr river song is a character i love very much however she had the grave misfortune of being written in the mid 2010s by steven moffat#anyways. sorry yikes this got long im so sorry i dindt realise i had this much to say. wow#doctor who#thanks for the ask!!#this is not. very flattering of elevens era if are are emotionally attached to him you may want to skip this one <3#jordan tag :D#river song
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im sick of masking if i make you feel bad when i criticise you (CONSTRUCTIVELY AND FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT IN A SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT) then maybe you need to grow up and realise youre fucking stupid and youre gonna get a D in all your A levels if you dont actually sit down and pay attention
#txt#AT LEAST SOMEONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FUTURE!#my drama class is full of complete and utter morons#i tell the teacher a more efficient way of doing things. she says well do that the nextx lesson.#shes not here next lesson. my stupid class does the complete opposite and wastes all of our time. i tell them 'hey we should be doing this#because it actually makes sense' they uhm and ahh and try to find a reason why im wrong. i put my foot down. they 'relent' but instead waste#even more time doing something completely different. okay were finished! NO WE FUCKING ARE NOTTT#the cover teacher -> 'hey! thats a GOOD idea! everyone should do what camerons saying! im the teacher and im telling you to do this!! wow#cameron so efficient.' THEY STILL DONT FUCKING DO ITTTT#WHY DO I HAVE TO STEER EVERY SINGLE DRAMA LESSON INTO THE RIGHT DIRECTION... WHY ARE THEY ALL FUCKING STUPID 💔#THESE ARE MY GRADES ON THE LINE TOO. DO THE FUCKING WORK AND STOP WASTING YOUR TIME WRITING DOWN THEMES??? YOU ALREADY HAVE WRITTEN DOWN#ANYWAY?#ughhhhhhh#i cant wait to never see these people again
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once in a while when it’s all dark and everyone has gone back to their sleeping quarters, lighter would sit out at the big couch next to the bar for a moment. playing with his lighter in hand, humming to himself. slowly he’d feel the fatigue hitting him and end up laying on the couch.
you were just checking on everyone, doing a quick night time stroll to make sure that no lights were unnecessarily left on at cheesetopia or any other areas. then you came upon lighter’s sleeping figure on the couch, jacket and sunglasses still on…
he looked peaceful but sleeping like that must be uncomfortable. so you start with his shades, carefully trying to remove them from his face. all of a sudden, his hand wraps around your wrist, his grip was tight. upon seeing you, he immediately loosened up, a little smirk creeping in on the ends of his mouth.
clearly, he was tired. not thinking straight and definitely half awake but that doesn’t explain why he instead pulls you on the couch too. now you’re laying down, back pressed up against his chest. he’s barely making any sense with his sleepy mumbling but you can feel him scoot closer to you and breathe in your scent.
you can try and break free but with his arms wrapped around your body, it was practically impossible (and lets be honest, you didn’t want to either). his breathing slows down, his mumbling comes to a soft stop and this time, he had truly fallen asleep. as if under some type of spell that causes him to sleep immediately after having you in his arms.
don’t worry, he’ll make sure no one knows tomorrow morning. he can just brush it off as both of you being tired and coincidentally sleeping together on the couch. for now, he’ll sleep without any worries, because you were here.
#luminotes ˚✧₊⁎☆#lighter zzz#zzz lighter#lighter lorenz#lighter x you#lighter x gn reader#lighter x reader#actually this one was marinating in my drafts ever since i saw the cutscene#like i just have random thoughts and then they disappear and then reappear again#BUT I HOPE YOU GUYS SEE THE VISION !!#idk what the vision is but i just love lighter is the vision actually#also i think zzz livestream should be this week but idk#i just cant wait to see more lighter#going to be so normal when he drops AUGSJSGSKSH#WAIT I JUST REALIZED I NEVER MEANT WHICH CUTSCENE BUT I MEAN THE ONE WHEN THEY’RE PLANNING OUR FUNERAL LMAOO#idk if the couch can fit two people BUT I BELIEVE IT DOES BECAUSE I SAID SO !!
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"Jason was the happy robin" this, "jason was the angry robin" that. Let's all be fully honest here Jason was the lonely robin
#It gets worse the more i think about it aiguaoughhh#they pretty much retconned the people he was close to before the crisis. he only interacts with dick like once or twice#ive never seen him with barbara#he had no team#in terms of school he had rena(?) and then 3 friends that show up in an annual and never again#and obviously with the whole secret identity it hardly can be a close friendship. esp with how little theyre shown#in terms of super friends he had Danny and Kid Devil. which. one is mentioned off hand and theyre never seen together#and the other is from a short story and never brought up again#alfred has his praises sung but we never really see him connect with jay#all he had was BRUCE. and the only way to ever be with bruce is to be robin#is it really any wonder he chased after his mother? is it any wonder who chose to trust someone he hardly knew?#dc liveblog#jason todd#i feel so bad for him all the time for forever#ive just started reading comics after his death but before his resurrection. the hallucination jason era#and its seems to be shaping up to be with him written as the angry robin who never listened#which i Know is because of the writers. but in universe? it just feels like jason wasnt understood or known at all#doylist vs watsonian moment as they say#dc comics#batman comics#and he became a symbol of failure to batman So Quickly. not a memory but a reminder#and every trophy from his time as robin was taken out of the batcave. and every moment as jason was removed from (at least) bruces room#he was on call/on a list as a backup titan if they needed help but he wasnt With them. they teamed up twice#i cant remember if he meant it towards blood specifically or in general rn but he fully admitted to not being good/experienced enough#they didn't really know him and he didn't really know them#wait fuck was rena all pre-crisis. devastating. he stopped going on patrols n being robin for awhile when she was his gf#of course by then he was already A Hero who cant fully ignore how he can help so he eventually was like yeah we should stop a little#obviously there was that catwoman arc going on and i feel writers just liked keeping him away alot. but ough. he was so quick to stop when#there was someone There. and robin didn't have ti feel like all he had#anyway crisis got rid of her im sure. like harvey. when does 'pre and post crisis' actually start bc its not at the crisis its issues after
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feat till lindemanns forehead and jackal mask
And numerous hand smudges
#art that i never bothered posting#okay the shoebill is coming up next month#like i cant wait#the pegwin is actually pretty old#started that dooble a year ago and then i just add to it#i fucked up the wheel but i was dying in jury duty#im getting back to drawing people#i should grab that silly sketch i did of OHGR#that owl was great though. all hell yeah time to doodle hockey peeps.#then i saw the bird#im a simple person i see bird i draw the bird#help me ive been trimming weed for the last 8 hrs and im trimming like all fucking weekend 😭😭😭#my tags are like marvel movie extra scenes after the credits roll#great egret#great horned owl#leon draisaitl#i almost tagged leon kennedy omg i need to draw him again#fall guys#pegwin#sketches
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apparently people are getting like . mad over people reading the shadow manga through unofficial means saying its disrespectful to the artist or whatever and like . i get wanting to respect and support artists but . you know most if not all of the people reading it through reposts are people who couldnt read it officially even if they wanted to right? and that the sonic manga done by this publisher never gets released outside japan anyway so this one probably wont be either? what else do you expect people who live in other countries to do if we want to read it .......????
#also idk why people are freaking out over this manga specifically#when piracy of the american sonic comics is pretty normalized and its very easy to find ways to read them for free and no one really cares?#like whats the difference here .#is piracy way more frowned upon in japan than it is in the us or something? is this particular publisher really strict about piracy?#ive seen people say it damages sales but . again like i said. most of the people reading it without paying cant buy it anyway#so theres no loss of a sale happening there#and again again i never see people say that about people pirating other sonic comics#i dont get it#another argument i see is ''just wait for the english release'' but like i already said there likely wont BE an english release#because this publisher has done sonic manga before and it never gets released outside japan
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inside you there are two wolves
#loving starkid is a double edged sword#cinderella’s castle songs have been stuck in my head 24/7 since i watched it#but i cant listen to them bc refuse to pirate them#and bc im trying to be financially responsible so im not letting myself buy the digital ticket again like a day after it expired#also sooooo excited for when people can finally make compilations#within a month of the npmd proshot dropping i reckon i watched literally every single npmd comp on youtube#bc i eventually ran out and started watching angela compilations and thats how i got into smosh#anyway ive been satiating myself by listening to the demos from the lands that are livestream#i love this show so much i am so excited for the proshot and the cast recording whenever they should release#im kinda glad im not american and couldn’t see the show live bc i wouldve actually died not being able to watch it til the digital ticket#the wait wouldve been so much worse if i knew what was in store#love starkid so much so excited for when i get to ramble abt this to everyone i know#my irls will never hear the end of it#im literally suffering so bad bc i want to listen to the songs so bad but wanting to support starkid comes out on top#bear with me im having a neurodivergent moment#starkid#tilda rambling#cinderella’s castle#cinderellas castle
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can someone please come over and braid my hair and talk about fnaf like im 9 again thanks. can someone please come over and pretend like its all ok thanks.
#desire mona#not to vent in tags but i need to be so real#i am probably one of the most lonely people ever actually#i have friends but i never see them#i spend all my time on here#ive taken to talking to people down my street which does help tbh like i do enjoy feeling like i have a community#i have a friend named tom down the road but hes like. in his 40s or 50s. but i do enjoy talking to him when we're out walking our dogs#i went out with him and his daughter to try and see the northern lights but it was too cloudy#i felt rly bad for knocking on his door at 10 pm to look at nothing but he was glad i reminded him#but once i go back home its just nothing#my life is just a series of waiting to take drugs again and its eating away at me but i cant fucking Do Anything#i just kinda feel like a pathetic loser for not doing anything productive ever and i KNOW i shouldn't let that demean my character in any wa#y#i know im a good and kind and funny person but my inability to bring myself to improve anything just makes me feel like im the worst#whatever#thoughtsing
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yada yada happy halloween to these FREAKS (and you guys :3 and myself i gusss :3) doodle from art class that i GUESS could be considered halloween...... idk ok idk ok something was up with me when i drew this
#look killer would like being praised more but to be fair since when has anyone been truly canon with him#to make myself not tweak out i can just pretend this is my fanon#i mean like mtt to me is the epitome of finding slight comfort in suffering when theyre not beating eachother up#dust and horror are affirming killer's terrible thoughts about himself!! how sweet :3 <3 theyre so made for eachother#horror looks like he has a second eye but dont be fooled i just didnt shade that in#i NEED to lock in on that animation. i dont think i have any homework today#i just have a short worksheet and then i'm good to draw i really should really really should im so sorry#disappointed in myself smh more than any of YOU ever will be#originally this was gonna be them in their halloween costumes looking down but then i was like#wait i dont wanna draw killer so ierased him and then just put horror and dust in their normal outfits bc i liked it#and i was like hold up hold up i gotta include killer somehow. SOMEHOW.and then this is the resuly#listen these guys dont freak around but they do various other things that are almost just as freaky as sex#that was more of a side blog thought triglycercule. i know. i will elaborate more there i guess#i ate so much candy today!!! and i didnt even go trick or treating!!!!!#theyre so smitted and enamoured with eachother :333 i love that for them#theyre so cannibalism core. theyre so if i cant have you nobody can core. theyre not soulmates but instead eachothers curse. theyre so UGH#only the murder time trio can match the other 2's freaks i fear nobody else can#its either less crazy or more crazy and these 3 are the perfect amount of balanced to even the other 2 out#i love that one kist animatic that that one really cool twitter kist artist drew#i know theres probably a really good horrordust animatic out there somewhere 2#WHERES THE HORRORKILLER ANIMATIC HUH!!!! WHERE!!!!!!!#horrorkiller once again left out of the trio duo ships......... this is biased i fear#people just hate to see unhealthy bitched unhealthy smh. they can handle toxic kist but they cant handle toxic hrkl???? BLASPHEMY#triglycercule's rambling again (like a dementia patient) i should get to work#i found my first ever sand au fan out in the wild today. this is a moment in history i fear#i will never find another sans au fan in the world until i pass 30 years of age and im sad but whatever#i cant wait to get a job so i can start ordering stickers of my trio#i cant WAIT to get a pinmaker one day and start my very own mtt ita bag#i want a pinmaker so bad god. just so i can staple their faces all over#tricule rant
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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how do you feel about the new tf2 leaks?
Oh it big sucks!
listen, this leak honestly makes me so mad im not even joking. not because of like, leaks like this cause so much trouble for the developers who own them (in how to combat it), or for the source licencees who are affected by the leak, but WHO it affects in this community.
say you've been working a beta recreation of 2Fort from Trailer 2 (since it's the version with the most footage), you've been working on it in your spare time for the past... 6 years lets say. you know the ins and outs of this map, you've watched footage and studied screenshots from around August 2006, and you've made an intense list of all the eras of 2Fort to ensure you have a timeline of eras so you know which to avoid and such.
so your beta 2Fort recreation is as accurate it can be from all the public media you could find from it. you've even gotten the sewers to be as low as they were in the beta combined with the higher water. there's some things left to your interpretation of the map, since the sewers have never been shown for example, and you push it out for people to play around on. this was basically your hobby for the past 6 years, and it meant so much to you to be able to create something with a love you can't put to words.
suddenly. the worst thing imaginable. a month after you post it? an entire developer repo leaks. and lets pretend it's got that version of 2Fort intact. that's a serious gut punch BUT, then you get comments from folks like "oh the actual 2fort leaked" "this is obsolete now" "oh well a recreation couldn't ever top a leak". it's demoralizing. it breaks their spirit for something they worked so hard on. the one thing you loved working on? well seemingly it doesn't matter now to the community you painstakingly made it for.
that's what hurts for me, is the people who've created content based off of things from TF2 (like the Spellcasters Witch), whom have made it from scratch, added their own personal touches like different outfits and hairstyles, to the ability to allow the user to recolour every part of that outfit. then a leak comes along and it seems everyone's ferally knashing their teeth at this leak. no leak can ever come close to the kind of love community members put into stuff.
that's why i hate this leak. and even with the 60 gigabytes of stuff that's leaked? people are still like "oh well this doesn't have everything 🙄". like sorry 60GB wasn't enough for you?
i hope we never see a TF2 leak again. this shit sucks and i hate the community around it.
#ask#catsmocha#i dont care whats in it. i dont care what maps are found. it fucking sucks#id have to imagine that any valve dev who had a slight want in working on TF2 again have quickly changed their mind from this#what do i know. im just some guy#but the whole ''cut content community'' for tf2 sucks#theyve been sitting on their hands waiting for the repo to leak. and theyre not even satisfied#now they want the SFM repo! which i bet doesnt exist. or wont exist now that this's happened#good job you idiots!#youll never see a TF2 leak after this point ill tell you that much. and good!!!! fuck 'em!!!#none of them deserve this stuff#sorry im just really mad at how people treat scrapped content for this game#theres so much stuff PUBLICLY AVAILABLE TO YOU that you can research through and find new stuff#but no 🙄💅 gotta get my hands on that repo!!! cant waste my time looking elsewhere#it makes me so mad#legit my heart goes out to the content creators who made models and maps before this leak#you put so much work into your craft. im sorry its being ignored for this shit#thank you for the ask honestly. i feel like if i didnt have an ask like this i wouldve explo💥💥💥💥💥
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when the . when the medication has side effects
#i knew i should have started on lunch at 10am why didnt i start making lunch at 10am#well at least i started at 11.something instead of waiting til i was dying at 1pm#thinking about that post about cooking i rbd earlier while i was prepping chicken just now#and yeah its easy to follow a recipe but 'cooking' as i see it is more about taste n flavour n all that so i would say i cant really cook#but some people are out there unwilling to google how to boil an egg or what julienning a carrot means and its like#well ok its not 1922 anymore guys you cant complain about stuff like THAT. just google it. youtube it even#plus i think a lot of times people try to cook one thing once and dont nail it and never try again#which is quite frankly stupid#cooking is an investment you need to make the same recipe five times and figure out what you like and what you want to add and so on#you have to put the time in brother you have to earn the right to complain about it sorry#anyway ogh i miss baking#mutuals come round and eat my baked goods bc i cant. im making persian love cake grab a plate
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#dont know if i can stay here til tuesday#what am i even trying to prove#is the crying every approx 2 hours just due to fuckin hormones#i want to hear from you more but i shouldnt need to#when will a conversation with my mother not feel like someone is reaching into my chest and squeezing#will i get through an entire night while here without having to have a drink#relapse relapse relapse relapse relapse re#way to make myself feel even more like im 15 again by venting in the tags of an empty tumblr post#i just dont want certain people who have my private twitter to see this#but when i cant talk to anyone who knows and cares about me i can always talk to hundreds of strangers on the internet (and also some#people who do know me hiiiiii if you read this i am okay)#i miss living (a week ago a year ago 5 years ago never)#too much love nothing to do with it#except cry and drink i guess#maybe try and see A Single Star in the suburban london sky#i used to love it here#i miss my old friends but cant talk to them i miss alex and patrick and kris and travis and gargi and alex the most#i dont want to think in my own brain anymore i cant fucking wait til buxton i need to act again get me out of ym fucking head
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#girl who made the mistake of looking at her ex's twitter and is now extremely sad#she's still extremely pretty.#im a mix of emotions#i miss her#im mad at her#i wanna see her#if i see her I'll be even more upset though so i hope i dont see her#i miss her cats and hope theyre doing good. she always took really good care of them#i hope her classes that she scheduled go well#i hope they keep her busy so i never have to see her in these next few months#i wish i could kiss her again#i wish i could fall asleep in her arms again#i wish for so much. i hope she keeps living. i hope she keeps being loved and supported by the people still in her life.#i said i wouldnt contact her for a year#but#i'll probly just wait til what wouldve been our 1 year anniversary. thats like 6 or 5 months#thats still a lotta time... i wish i could see her sooner. its a good thing i cant.#i hope she's not beating herself up over breaking up with me#but at the same time#if im to believe the things im told by my current loved ones im supposedly pretty damn great#so i hope at some point she realizes what she's lost and is upset with herself for it.#i hope she knows i still love her#god im a mess
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i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans
#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was#a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha''#yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans#i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that#but it's still a bit. hmmm.#also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute#i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way#but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my#wavy hair and slight babyface and round features#which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man#as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this#though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c#well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow#also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which#once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans#the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy#oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute#face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man#and i love that#but also one of these ppl is not cis#if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people#but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans#but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im#living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow#but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl.#anyways i dont want to ruin our broship#i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared#agh idk#leevi talks
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