#i cant tell how i actually feel if this feeling is real or just depression. but i just want to be alone. im fine with people irl and on here

[moodr1ng]

ik im being mean and petty again even tho i just said i was gonna have an apple juice and a pastry but i feel so 🙄🙄 whateverrr... when people are like are you struggling with cleaning due to depression? try this trick! and the trick is ALWAYS a variation of "choose a relatively easy cleaning task you can do in 5-10 minutes and then just motivate yourself to do it because 5-10 minutes is fast". like ohh we are NOT operating on the same level of depression lol. you got no idea...

[caffeinatedopossum]

Adults stop telling kids how much "adulthood sucks" challenge. You might be jealous and nostalgic but you never know which one of those kids *already* has an awful life and can't stand the thought of things getting any worse

Btw, if you are that kid, it doesn't get worse. Adulthood actually gets much better, don't let assholes scare you

[mainfaggot]

in conclusion, I have no choice but to try to recover again. or else another two years will pass me by and I'll be so fucking tired

[thedevotionaltour]

i think i need to be alone actually maybe forever they're saying it's the sound of the summer to be alone in your own little corner and rot and be a generally miserable person to view

[chaosartisan]

You all are so pro mental illness until they forget to take their medication.

You all are so pro mental illness until they start having delusions.

You all are so pro mental illness until they develop brain fog.

You all are so pro mental illness until they start forgetting important dates.

You all are so pro mental illness until they identify neuro divergent traits that you have.

You all are so pro mental illness until they start expressing their struggles.

You all are so pro mental illness until someone can't afford to go to therapy.

You all are so pro mental illness until someone can't afford their medication.

You all are so pro mental illness until it's something that comes attached with a physical health condition or deformity.

You all are so pro mental illness until it comes to advocating for better systems.

You all are so pro mental illness until your loved one becomes mentally ill.

You all are so pro mental illness until they need your help.

You all are so pro mental illness until it comes to doing anything other than saying "I'm pro mental illness."

yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate

yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate

yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate

yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid

yall are pro mental illness until they split

yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle

[thatsalotofdragons]

some other feeling to see it written down that disrupting healing + excessive scratching/picking at skin counts as self harm

[somefisher]

Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time

[early-october-skies]

I can not sleep

[niningtori]

goodbye (?)

hi my sweet friends. i debated on whether or not i should post this because i'm unsure if this is just a phase i'll get over or if it's truly real but i did want to be honest with how i'm feeling because i'm a pretty open person by nature and i do love you all and want to be as transparent as possible.

i haven't been feeling very well lately, both physically and mentally. i struggle with bipolar disorder and ptsd (among other things) so my depression can get pretty severe but i'm starting to wonder if my entire account was the result of mental unease or if the desire to deactivate is the result of mental unease. it's difficult to determine which one is reality, honestly. on that topic, my mental illness(es) have also made me struggle with grasping what's real and what's not in the most literal sense in that in my daily life i find it's difficult to keep myself grounded. like, i cant even understand what's going on around me sometimes and it's a very scary feeling to not have that presence of mind while still being conscious.

i've tried to wait it out for a few days but i have this feeling of dread that tells me i need to erase my presence on here as soon as possible. maybe i've made a mistake by being so open and vulnerable. i don't know if that's my rational side finally kicking in or if i'm being irrational by wanting to completely erase myself off of here. i just feel like maybe this entire account was a coping mechanism for me or something and maybe it's time to let it go. maybe i'm paranoid and maybe how i'm feeling is actually nothing but that's just how it is. i just feel trapped and like everything is hopeless right now.

like i said, maybe these feelings are just temporary and i don't need to worry so much because i'll bounce back, but things just seem really bleak at the moment and i don't know how to cope. writing usually makes me feel better, but even that doesn't seem to be helping because i can barely focus anymore.

i'm not sure what i'll do with myself in the future, but i sincerely hope that if you all see me in other ways someday, you will treat me kindly. i've tried to be as kind to you all as possible so i pray you all do the same for me.

with that being said, i'm going to keep thinking about what to do with this account but please don't be shocked if everything on here is gone in the near future. similarly, don't be too surprised if i pop back up like nothing happened. my feelings are very unstable right now as i'm just trying to figure out what's best for me.

i know this probably didn't make the most sense in the world but it's my earnest wish that you all understand me and my intentions. please remember: i love you all very, very much.

love always,

nini

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

You could drink your whole life away and still never get that taste out of your mouth.

half commission for @salempie half completely self indulgent dreck pieced together from our insane conversations abt franke and elka. told myself id finally write a big explanation for all of the dum shit between these two for context so Thats Under The Cut.

so I already wrote some stuff about elka and franke's relationship back in whispering rock so feel free to look at that too . it goes over elkas blindness/‘seeing’ with clairvoyance and how her and franke started talking & all that good stuff

SO FOR STARTERS. a lot of thsi wont make sense without a big breakdown of elka herself. because elkas potential as a character is like insane to me. like just the idea of her in the long run of her life reads as something so potentially tragic; a young girl whos plagued with visions of doom and destined to be an outcast even in her own home for things she cant control and clings to the One vision of her wedding that she thinks is 'happy' even despite the fact she doesnt really love the person in it. im choosing to take the li-po doc as canon here because its funny shes the only one with backstory-

but my fucking god even the smallest look into what her parents are like is soo fucked up to me. and i do think elka especially gets a lot of influence from her mother; its funny how easily you can fit mabel doom into a box just from what elka says about her. knees deep in an avon-esque pyramid scheme and leaning into her daughters depressing ass visions & taking her to therapy at age 11 (which would be good if not for the kind of person you can already assume she is & so i doubt the therapist she has really does her any good. i think they share one). she reads as a very I Am My Daughters Best Friend type of mom to me and i can see elka being a centerpiece of the conversation when she has her Amway Girls over for drinks. wine-mom that lets her kid sip from the glass so she can feel like a big girl type deal.

and you can tell that elka is trying to hard to be too mature for her age even in her campster posts. how she writes letters to nils' mom and exchanges baking recipes with her and that feels like she really only interacts with middle aged women and not really many people her own age outside of camp (like her moms friends). which makes sense shed feel the need to ‘grow up’ early when shes probably had to process so many hard things at a young age bc of her visions.

theres a lot of filling the blanks here of course.

elka obsesses over nils to an overbearing degree even despite the fact he treats her like shit ('you promised no talking' and so on) and she treats him bad right back. she leans onto stereotypical heterosexual ideals like taking care of him and overblowing how Manly and Protective JT is and she admires romance stories like pride and prejudice and it feels like she Projects Soooooooo much of what she wants onto boys she barely feels anything for without knowing what its actually supposed to feel like. and clearly she WANTS that ideal future, a happy marriage, an actual romance- but according to nils even when they were dating she ignored him most of the time, which just seems Very Telling

like shes filling a role, overcompensating for emotions and lacktherof she cant digest quite yet, and it only makes more sense when you know shes had visions of their future together. how could that be bad for her? shouldnt it be like the books and movies? but she doesnt really connect the fact that her visions are only for Doomed futures, and if she does she certainly doesnt show it. Doomed relationships. it's been a part of her family for generations and she isn't turning out much different, is she? i dont think she even realizes thats all she ever sees yet, just that its Going to happen. that it's Her future, and it always will be

and like, her only reference for a real marriage so far has been her own parents, and she already Knows they have an affair, and theyre doomed to split, (and i actually like to think they were in rough waters anyway and elka was a child meant to mend a crumbling marriage but thats a whole other thing) and so without a framework for what an actual healthy relationship is supposed to be like she cant really grasp that her relationship with nils Isnt that and isnt ever going to be. she can only cling to this one happy idea of the future, and thats why she keeps chasing him, self fulfilling the actuality of her situation and creating and fostering the unhappy life they will inevitably live together.

and that bleeds into everything else in her life, of course, because as the years go on, as the visions grow in number it just makes sense for her to fall into the predictability of her life. she always knows whats going to happen, her visions are Never wrong- so why try to change things? shes had time to process tragedies days, weeks, months, years before they happen, shes had time to settle into every crack of her life. her parents divorce, her various break ups, her future with the psychonauts.

“and she's already seen so much of a future with [nils] she feels trapped almost. Like she has to be happy in it or else it just means her life is miserable. And it's a mixture of pride and fear of the unknown that keeps her clinging to the One thing she knows. BUT LIKE!!! She knows what's gonna happen! It's easier to grieve when she's been grieving for years... She wants so badly to be happy, But to do that she has to step into the unfamiliar. And that's more terrifying than staying the same miserable person she's always been.��

and thats where franke comes in— and yeah you Do have to take a lot of liberties for frankes character since it’s basically, like, all the info for her is just that shes a Supreme Baby Dyke but thats enough for me. i think she has protective butch itch in her . on campster shes defensive over other women evidenced in the way she keeps watch over the girls cabins for lili when elton is pursuing her . but shes also eager to please and constantly trying to make kitty laugh and also Very naive. but she tries! and i think it only solidifies more as she gets Older and really gets a hold of her feelings & her powers. this is incredibly franke to me

and i think as they grow older together— because i think franke and elka Do stay friends, both because elka is just pathetic and needs that positive connection even if she doesnt realize it and because i think franke is a very Loyal person & annoyingly persistent if you let her be . and i am also a kitty/franke truther. because kittys also important in this web we weave

because i think franke and kitty stay together after camp, to a point— theres a falling out facilitated on kittys end and they break up, but reconnect, and franke kind of... saves kitty from herself a little, from her strict military father whos love only extends thru finances , from her own stifling future , she drives all the way to bakersville in her shitty van handmedowned from her dad and they move in together eventually . they get jobs at the motherlobe , because it’s a pipeline to a decent job, because it’s whats easy, because franke doesn’t really have a future, because she’s never really been good at much, because shes never had much sense, because franke doesnt really care as long as she can live and help, sometimes, if she can, and because kitty’s there, and because elka’s there, and shes so used to being elkas eyes now and shes good at it. shes good at being the muscle of the missions when her colleagues lack it, when hypnosis and predictions arent enough. she likes it that way.

and elka appreciates frankes company. she listens, shes sweet, she does little things for her that no ones ever really put the effort for before; she likes her. franke is strong and bold and makes her laugh and shes always there but god elka cant let go of that future, of that box shes put herself in, that her mothers put her in, of being a Good Wife to a Loving Husband, of getting married normally and falling into unfailing familiarity. thats all shes ever wanted and shes not going to jeopardize that . not for franke, who may not be a boy but is handsome like one, whos always held her after every break up with nils and the men that filled empty days inbetween.

and elka is too stubborn to recognize those feelings anyway. too prideful to accept a way out. too set in her cycle no matter how much she hates it, her little self fulfilling tragedy of her own making, wallowing in her own doom. she struggles for control of her own life when she feels like every choice has been made for her anyway, she puts up her walls and carefully constructs what people see. but franke was always harder to trick, because while empathy isnt a particularly useful psychic power it’s certainly an inconvenient one. all franke has to do is get too close and all those carefully crafted walls fall apart, and elkas control is gone, and thats all she really has. and she tries to distance herself, really she does, but franke is also too persistent. and elka wears gloves, keeps contact that would make her walls crumble from happening as best as she can, but she cant really keep herself from the brief moments where she feels like someone actually fucking cares about her.

and that slightest lack of control, the need to wrestle it back is why she proposes to nils the next time theres a falling out— she knows how it happens, she plans every detail. and he accepts, despite everything. gets her a cheap ring and it feels like lead on her finger and its nothing at all like how shed thought it to be when she was a kid, theres no feather light feeling in her chest, only that dreadful reality that she cant turn this back. BUT WHAT CAN U DO LMAO

elka doesnt tell franke about this engagement until later, on their way back from a mission. late at night when neither of them can sleep, and franke invites elka to smoke in her van, because its been so long since theyve been alone like that, because elkas been so strangely absent lately. and because of everything, because frankes always so damn nice, because elka hates the feel of the ring on her finger, because she let herself get high alone with franke fucking athens whos always been so good at pulling her apart— the truth of it all spills out and its messy and emotional and she hates it, she hates the life shes made for herself, but franke makes it easier to bare and now shes here and shes so close and god she wishes she could see her smile again, she wishes she could see franke, thats all she needs right now and she cant but she can touch her and she can hold her and for tonight, she can be known, she can let those walls crumble, she can be something else just for once here with franke . she can kiss her here in this van, touch that happiness for just a moment, and forget the future that waits for her outside of it. franke begs her to forget the wedding, to just let herself be happy— and god, she wants to, but it means turning her back on everything shes known and everything shes saw to be inevitable, and franke has never been in her future, so if it were supposed to work out why hadnt she seen it and she cant, she cant take that risk but she can have this, even if its temporary, she can have it.

and just as soon as she gets a taste of it, its gone. after that night, after the missions over and theyre back at the motherlobe and have to pretend like nothing happened (franke doesnt, of course she tells kitty about it, she tells kitty about everything.) but that brief moment together haunts elka every time she sees franke, sees herself through frankes eyes, sees herself in her wedding dress because god its all franke can think about! of course it is! she knows how much elkas destroying herself she knows how much misery shes wallowing in that kiss in the van felt like an emotional punch to the teeth and she hasnt ever forgotten it and all she can do is sit and watch while elka throws herself into a loveless marriage. she can come to her wedding and see the way the bride and groom kiss with the emotional weight of a wet towel no matter how hard elka tries to hide it under a pretty dress and bouquets of flowers and meticulous planning.

and elka resents nils but she cant really hate him, its not his fault, not really. he feels trapped just like she does and his feelings of misery only cycle back into hers . they fight and gnash and wear away at each other and its a relationship thats crashed and burned a million times before elka even said i do. and its inevitable that she falls into her mothers habits, a sip of wine here and there to loosen up, until it turns to a glass, until it falls into a bottle on nights when whatever work nils does runs late.

but franke’s still there. shes always been there, hasn’t she? always trying to play knight, always trying to save her, dragging her home when shes stumbling over herself because god who else is going to do it but her? who else is left to care? certainly not nils. never nils. because franke knows her. because franke pities her. shes always pitied her. shes always known. and elka hates it, she resents it, but god in the same breath she’s desperate for it, she envies it to her very bones. elka is a mess but after frankes done with her she has someone to go back to that loves her. and god what elka wouldnt do to have that. to take it and keep it for herself because shes never ever got to have that movie romance shes always wanted.

so now comes this.

because elkas particularly miserable and particularly spiteful and she needs to get franke to understand, just for a moment, drink with her and get on her level and she needs her there with her no matter how her pity makes her feel. no matter how much it makes her shake with anger and envy and desperation, but god the way franke looks at her, the way she still tries to salvage what they have, the soft, slurred way she tells her that it’s okay but its not okay, none of this is okay, it never has been and she just wants franke to shut up and see that, and if she cant then she’ll show her, she’ll show her all the raw angry desperation, with too much teeth and hands that claw and grab and she’ll know why everyones always said she’s too much.

and she knows this puts her on nils’ level too. that this makes her a cheater, that shes no better than he is now. no better than her father and his affair. but god, she wants to be selfish. she wants to be in control. just for once. she wants to feel right and she wants to feel happy and she wants to feel loved. thats all shes ever wanted. and franke will let her have that, just for a little while, at the very least.

anyway. sorry. sorry for being crazy . this isnt even getting into the shit after the comic takes place . elkas stupid brainworld thag she has to overcome in order to finally be allowed in the polycule and live happily ever as worlds first lesbian divorceman

sorry for all the shit i make up instead of caring about actual characters with screentime . bye !

[squiddy-god]

Lmao last time I asked for Avenpaz but this is x reader so what about Aventurine x reader? Hehe thank you :3 (Desperate for some Aventurine stuff 🥰)

Yes you may, i'm going to do general hcs for this because thats what im feeling right now teehee- on a side note, aventurine but its the scene with hua cheng and xie lian with the dice rolling- there was just,,,so much tension in that scene please  

♡requests open♡

Cw : gn!reader, mentions of trauma and spoilers for his story and a bit of penacony, fluff. Both established and un established relationship hcs, a little bit of angst 

Ok so pre relationship i think that aventurine is actually quick to catch feelings but slow to realize them

Like off the bat he can tell how he feels in about someone, like or dislike, trust or not trust 

What is slow to build is how deep that runs, both his romantic feelings and his trust are gained slowly but eventually snowball and that is when he finally either realizes or admits it.

Something i never got in general is when people talk about like how {character} wouldn't trust you until xxx into relationship etc

But the thing is like, are y'all dating people you dont trust? Because especially as someone who is depressed/traumatized, I fully would have to trust someone to get into a relationship, and that trust does not reset to 0 because we got together like??- i promise i will tie this in trust me 

The other slight problem with aventurine pre relationship is that after he realizes/admits his feelings to himself he is taking that to his grave. He will casually flirt or maybe drop little hints, but he is content to never speak these feelings out loud to you, 

Half of this is a fear of forming intimate connections that he knows he's ultimately powerless to protect, he fears rejection and loss when it truly matters and this prevents him from ever really bringing himself to pursue you. The other half is a subconscious self sabotaging hatred. Despite his fronting he is an insecure and traumatized man who's become jaded by the cosmos. While he at this point would trust you implicitly he cant help the feeling that you won't, dont, and couldn't possibly like him and return his feelings. 

Reasonably he knows that he is an attractive man, a man with both wealth,power, and status, and yet he feels that you won't possibly want him. His self loathing even in his subconscious holds him back, giving a false sense of apathy towards your relationship status that outweighs the jealousy he feels. In truth the jealousy only serves to prove his point on how you don't return his feelings

There are scenarios that I think he would confess first if you don't beat him to the punch. 

The first is said jokingly, and yet there is not that sharp witted teasing edge or bite to his words, unexpectedly raw and genuine when he poses a simple “what if” question 

The second involves many different factors, maybe you catch him on a good day, maybe he sees the way you seem to look at him and in your eyes is the reflection of his own affections. Maybe you catch him on a bad day, and in his pit of despair he decides that it is at least worth the risk to gamble.

These are the moments he confesses to you, bated breath waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to lash out with laughter or anger but he is delighted when you return his feelings

Ok ok enough angst-

This man is a shameless flirt, he is romantic long before you every begin a relationship- you just take it as a joke, a bit that's silly between close friends 

After you manage to pry that confession out of him or you make the first move, he is shockingly quick to put a label on it, you are his romantic partner! His love, hes your lucky charm

Ok ok like i said before i really don't thing that aventurine is the type to be in an actual relationship with someone he A)doesn’t trust, or B) doesn’t love

So by the time you get in a relationship there is already a strong foundation of real trust, but he has already realized he is hopelessly in love. 

I will die on the hill that aventurine is a stage 100 clinger 

This is a clingy man to his core, he is sending you 50 messages a day

Good morning, good night, have you eaten? I love you, miss you, literally anything because he truly dose miss you 

Have you eaten? Yes? Good have a little treat +500 credits 

No? Wait there he's taking you to lunch- or +5000 credits 

I know everyone says it but he really does spoil you. Now the way he sees it genuinely isn't as like a bribe but both something that genuinely makes him happy and also he likes to make your life easier 

Seeing you happy, being able to spoil you with gifts and treats and money brings him genuine joy, and knowing that he is able to provide some relief from the harsh reality of life makes his a very merry man

As I said, clingy- he loves your time, being able to spend time with you and relax in your presence is truly heaven. 

Most of his missions aren't dangerous, just business so he enjoys taking you with him so that he can spend more time with you

He is touch starved for positive physical contact and affection 

Sit in his lap, let him sit in yours- honestly he isn't very picky as long as he gets to touch you 

If you thought his playful bestie flirting was bad you are gonna die, because he gets so much worse, now that he knows exactly what to say so that he can fluster you he grows ever bolder in his pursuit

No matter what he says his actions always follow his words, he shows he loves you with the way he sees you and treats you, in the way he seems to crave you like a thirsty man craves water or how a plant craves the warm sun, to breathe you in like air and love you tenderly 

Even if he is clumsy at love and intimacy he still puts in a profound sense of effort. 

The definition of if he wanted to he would. And he definitely wants to

[ganondoodle]

i have seen people talk about how hard it is to draw anything if you have aphantasia (which is good to talk about and true and valid and also intersting to read and this post isnt to devalue that, two things can coexist etc etc)

i personally struggle with the opposite; i have incredible imagination, i'd say it's my best and only "inate talent", (this is not a brag ..) all stories i think about are movies, i can stop them, change camera angle and poses, rotate ever object however i want, place lighting sound and voices, even styles, i switch from ghibli to botw to fortiches style, even into the style of a comic i recently read which wasnt even animated, the only thing that only works half the time is music-

and that all might sound fantastic, but its a mess, it goes too fast and too quickly, things never play out one way, theres interruption, involuntarily sudden changes to other subjects, i feel like struggling to keep an angry horse on one path, it makes me waste HOURS each day just reversing and redoing a scene like im a movie director wizard in my head, theres no ONE finished version, it changes everytime yet i go back over and over again to make it better, i forget most of it within a few hours anyway; even IRL when someone tells me about a memory and they are not sure if i was with them during it once they start to explain trying to make me remember it instead i will imagine it, in the end i wont be sure if i actually remembered or if i just imagined it too real, it scares me how much i forget and cant remember only for my mind to make shit up, makign me doubt my own memory (its weird how it works, i have horrible geographical memory, when i drive somwhere i have known my entire life i need to remember the path to it by imagining driving it, i remember significant things but not the path to them or how they connect or in what order, i have to go through it in my head every single time)

by far the worst part though is that extreme disconnect between whats in my mind and what i can do, just because i can imagine things like that doesnt mean i can draw it (god i WISH), nothing i have ever drawn is how it was in my head, the few things you get to see are the ones i won the fight against myself with to keep going and say 'good enough' at some point the speed is a problem too, the things playing in my head, sometimes even multiple at the same time, play like, again, a movie, whatever im trying to draw is rarely ONE thing, its a whole scene that plays over and over, i want to draw it all but it wont work bc my mind is too fast and i am too slow, it makes me try to skip ahead and get things done as fast as possible, it NEVER works (also too much, theres so many things in my head, i have almost the entirety of the totk rewrite in my head already, novels worth of lore and story for my other projects, its overwhelming how much is in there that i cannot get out and on paper)

its why comics take me so long to make, why detailed paintings are so rare, its the rare times i can force myself to try and tune out my mind and just work on what is in front of me, usually works for a few hours .. if i can manage to reach that sort of focus at all, its why basic sketches of characters are so much easier to do bc i dont have to fight as hard to just draw a character doing nothing- as soon as i want to make it a sketch page of things and scenes the movies are back and are there to haunt me until i cry and give up after hours of trying to keep up with my mind that i will never be able to catch up to (and this is only about drawing .. )

i know skill and speed increase over time, but i wont ever get to where my mind is, its always ahead and trying to skip and jump towards it only makes me stumble and fall flat on my face- maybe its ADHD, maybe its the autism, maybe its the depression, maybe its just me, maybe its just all of that

what im trying to say is, head full, too much thought, too fast, never able to translate it into viewable things in the way and speed as my head works, i explode

[queenoftheantz]

Top 5 Anime/Manga characters of all time and why?

oh wow hmmm....

Completely subjectively:

Oikawa Tooru (haikyuu!!)

Oikawa... he is just yknow. My Character. But I also often in my daily life have a little Oikawa in my head reminding me that my passion is my passion because it's fun and I love it. That talent and skill are intertwined but also not static or pre-determined, that I might not be as good as I think I should be, and I might never be, but if I don't try I definitely won't. Maybe I will reach my goal today, or tomorrow, or in 30 years. And I can do it at the pace and path that suits me. He speaks of all this AS WELL as the very bitter feelings that preceeds these revelations. I also really love his focus on facilitating others, of reaching potential together, of trust and faith in his team and their in him!

2. Marcille Donato (Dungeon Meshi)

Oh Marcille. (Manga spoilers here) Marcille started out so silly and to be honest? Annoying? Girly and anxious and squemish. But then you realise that these parts are absolutely true, but she is also determined and loyal and scared and unafraid and skilled. The firly and squemish becomes charming in contrast to her being excited to experience death and morally ambigious enough to use ancient magic or become a dungeon lord. And then you learn even more about her and her family, the way she grew up and how she probably is... pretty young, considering everything. The knowledge and life experience of someone being 40 maybe, but with the brain to handle it of a 19 year old... she is so afraid for everyone to die away and yet she cant help but love people! Isn't that lovely!? And as someone very afraid to lose my parents I really really feel for her relationship with her father. I think Marcille was a character who really illustrates the progression of tone in Dungeon meshi, represents the themes of the story so well, and really grew on me. Also gay. hi.

3. Shinji Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

I know people don't like this guy but he shaped me so much as a teen. I think his journey through lacking self-esteem and depression and self hatred is both fascinating, nuanced and in the end, encouraging! Imagine being offered to join humanity all as one, never feel rejected or alone again and then DESPITE all he has gone through, chosing to be yourself after all! And frankly I love that the show lets him be cowardly and weak and unsympathetic, it makes him more real and make his strong moments stronger. Also gay. hi

4. Mob (Mob psycho 100)

Mobs story is more low key, but I also enjoy a story about a young boy who FIRST has to find the motivation to improve himself, and THEN has to realise that improving yourself and being a good person does not necessarily mean to surpress any negative or strong emotions. Once again, a story about acceoting yourself, even the sides you have a hard time controlling and find off-putting or scary. And I think Mob gets to realise this in a silly and gently way!

5. Abe takaya (ookiku furikabutte)

Oh Abe. It's that one page. When he is explaining to Sakeaguchi his backstory with Haruna, and he is talking about it so casually, it's no big deal, but you can tell. "Everyone is afraid of pain". It makes my heart clench every time. It's his control-issues, his fast felling into caring about Mihashi as a person, but then slowly realising what that actually means. It's him being shocked by the smile, it's him doing anything to win, it's him not realising how mean he is. In a different story Abe would have been a bully. But fortunately for him Momoe and the team and Mihashi himself are not putting up with any of it and he slowly and also gently improves himself. I gotta catch up with oofuri. (also gay. hi)

Shout outs to: Hinata Shoyo (of course), Mihashi Ren (also of course), Edward Elric, Sophie (Howls moving castle movie), Reigen (im not immune), Tamaki (ohshc, sometimes i just think about him and hes so charming and fun and i relate), Kanamori (Keep your hands off Eizouken!, shes just. so cool. It's a fun show but every time shes on screen im blushing a bit shes just! Wow!), and the straight college student from one of my fave BL's who has to go on a personal journey to accept that he actually likes a man who's bigger and taller than him and has a big ass. Shoutouts to him too.

[starzgaze]

imagine aroace!darling is so sick of Hae-In's and Jinwoo's bullshit that they straight up just say "is Beru and option?" when the the two ask which one they prefer.

also, unrelated; i'm pretty sure i just dreamt of a Beru x Reader fanfic and i started looking for it right when i woke up, only for it to not be real. the brainrot is getting to me..

omfg i had this idea too like a few days ago and it's funny to think about cz just imagine you're just some low profile worker within the association that is trying your very best to live a peaceful life. just a normal person you know?? like no big ambitions nor had any notable achievements except the random ones you would get back then in your school days but yet!

you still caught two of the s-ranks 's hearts in the country, really baffling actually.

whenever you're in the room with the two you can't even ignore the obvious deadly tension the two had even if you tried to, you can't imagine how people in the news assume they're in love with eachother when hae-in looked like she's about to pull jinwoo's head off his body and jinwoo is about to gut the blonde on the spot.

like is it really about you at this point? just get a room oh my god and what's worse you... you don't even see them as anything more than friends it's insane.

even if hae-in would bashfully gift you things and listen to your rants or tries to hint that she has feelings for you, every one of these things you would dodge like it was the plague

and it was the same with jinwoo! everytime the man saves you from some magical beast that was suspiciously near your place even if there was no gate that broke in your area, jinwoo would be there to save you like some shining knight in armor and it would play like some romantic scene except you would be there to painfully remind him that it's nothing more than a moment with a truthful "ahaha thanks a lot jinwoo, you're such a great friend!" which was definitely on purpose.

but the only problem was even if you dropped sooo many instances that you were not interested with the two, the damn duo was so persistent that it's genuinely tiring you out like what was it with you that was intriguing?? you're literally a low profile office worker within the association that showed the two a semblance of human decency are they that deprived of love?

like at some point you were (forcibly) hanging out with the two and they were bantering once again over you before they both turned their heads to your direction which honestly creeped you out then finally asking who did you prefer.

"[y.name]! please tell me you prefer a girl like me and not this awfully depressing dressed up loser!" hae-in glared at jinwoo while barking out her words that was definitely an attack to jinwoo's way of fashion

"wha— the hell? my fashion isn't that bad you asshole- oh whatever ignore her [y.name] I'm obviously more desirable" jinwoo deadpanned as he ignored hae-in's glare.

you looked at the two with tired eyes, dreadfully done with their bullshit before declaring your answer

"oh I'd choose neither... actually is beru is an option? i think that ant is more acceptable at this point"

the reaction they had was priceless, especially jinwoo's. you prefer the damned ant?? the ant that bodied hae-in the moment it popped out of nowhere or the same ant that jinwoo obliterated with a punch...? are you serious..

if you squint closely you can notice a wisp of black shadow on jinwoo's person that had a tint of pink blush that awfully looked like an ant. you didn't know if you were seeing things but you swore that it was beru blushing over your decision.

anyway wow i went on a tangent LMFAOOL I CANT BELIEVE I WROTE ALL THAT??? HELLO ANYWAY THIS IS INSANE I LOVE THIS also u dont know j mean... maybe it did exist and the author just got beamed off the internet

[thedevotionaltour]

anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.

[woobifykamukura]

ghdsfkjghdsf is that a common thing?

I don't really get how he'd be misdiagnosed anyway; it would need brain scans, especially since it's so rare at his age, and if anything it would have been misdiagnosed as other conditions for a while. Only going off cry-stars here- I have no expertise myself- but she's said that can happen and there was a recent case in Japan where a young guy's dementia was mistaken for depression for ages.

If we doubt Komaeda's FTD it can only be via doubting his honesty imo (but I still think he's telling the truth). I also love seeing analyses of him through the lenses of other disorders as comorbid instead of alternative diagnoses- especially autism, but I've seen interesting takes wrt OCD and BPD too- but canonically I feel like bvFTD, extreme post-traumatic stress and political radicalisation adequately explain his issues.

TO BE FAIR it probably isnt As common as i think it is, i just saw one reddit post thst explicitly claimed the FTD was a misdiagnosis and that it totally makes way more sense for komaeda to have autism and bpd, and a surprisung number of people... agreed? for some reason??

which i need to state for the record a) i am autistic myself and b) have absolutely zero problems with headcanons, even if they arent ones i ascribe to personally

what i DO have a problem with is people erasing canon neurodivergencies and/or erasing traits CENTRAL to a character in order to square-peg-round-hole the headcanon THEY have as the most correct one

"nagito has ftd and was autistic before that?" cool! neat! seeing how those two disorders being comorbid with each other could be really interesting!

"nagito does NOT have ftd, the devs were wrong, they actually wrote an autistic character and didnt realize it" stop talking.

this is very like, misanthropic i guess but after SO MUCH SHIT ive seen it just speaks to an unwillingness to empathize with or relate to anyone that isnt exactly like you. and you cant just headcanon real people around you with Misdiagnosed Autistic (most.... times....) so this pops up in fiction

like. i am autistic! i also have two (2) personality disorders, and neither is bpd. this has led to a non negligible amount of autistic people completely stereotyping my other disorders as evil in order to prop themselves up ("i thought i was a narcissist/sociopath, which wouldve been awful, but really i was just autistic! phew!!" with implicit, sometimes EXPLICIT value judgements being made)

i have had a friend i had in real life, to my face, say he didn't believe i had either personality disorder and really i was secretly just autistic

...if we had been better friends, maybe he would've known me well enough to know that that's almost... comically untrue. lol

so in my opinion there do exist a certain minority of autistic people who see autism as the only neurodivergency that Matters, or at least the one that matters the most. and the only way they can feel any sympathy for anyone else is if they are also autistic

and i know this is a minority! and i just see it a lot because i am an autist in fandom and a lot of other autistic people are also in fandom! AND that this is a mindset prone to ANY minority- most people think their Problem is the Worst Problem, it just... happens. however i am just as irrational and prone to biases as anyone else and ive chosen this as my completely irrelevant hill to die on

that one reddit post made me so goddamn mad bc of All This PLUS its double insulting when someone says "i have a special interest in psychology!" as a way to say theyre extremely knowledgable, and doing genuine analysis with the lens of "i am looking at the text and trying to make an objective diagnosis" and then STILL DO THIS!!! because they have this veneer of "im just a guy asking questions" before diving right into a weirdly consspiratory subset of "everyones an idiot about mental health except for ME"

...which tbf i dont think that about myself. i am very good at writing a wide variety of mental illness due to a combination of research and life experience BUT i could really only tell you like. actual non-surface level FACTS about aspd and to a lesser extent, npd. because thats what i chose to focus on. there are far and away lots more people that know more about me about other things, and im fine wit that

i am however also aware of this extremely hyperspecific social phenominon. and thus it is my burden to bear. my mountainous molehill.

also r/danganronpa just fucking sucks like in general. every time i see a kokichi opinion there i get a little closer to pulling the trigger. i think the real moral here is reddit is garbage and should not be used for anything other than product reviews

(also fwiw i agree w ur personal take at the end, with a lil bit of ocd tendencies that like, started off manageable and nowhere near diagnostic level badness, since things he might do to manage his cycle and even the constant thinking about it are very much reminiscent of obsessions and compulsions. but ftd in of itself can cause ocd symptoms so after that it got... worse. thats my personal take on it ^^)