#i cant let myself risk it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tamagotchikgs · 2 months ago

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everyday all day i am just being sharply juggled against my will between im ok :] .. im not ok i am feeling the fear and dread so hard my organs r trying to evacuate and crush me at the same time every part of my body hurts and then no youre ok ! :] no im not . yeah ur ok :] wait nope . not ok. alright im ok :o) ................... no

#currently in the nos #i was fine i was so joyful just a few seconds ago and then suddenly the weight of the world hit #for no reason #and now i am just scared #stressed #worried so bad my entire jaw aches #my heart Hurts #i feel nauseous #everything is going to go wrong #my worst fears are on their way and its solely because of me its because im afraid of them #everything i care about is gonna get hurt & destroyed because of me #i cannot breathe #i dont want to be here to watch it happen #maybe i was wrong maybe the curse is real n its never leaving #what if i get too happy #and it takes everything #i miss when i finally convinced myself it wasnt and i was just a paranoid little mess #and everything was actually caused by the surroundings #and even without me it would have happened #but now its too important #i cant let myself risk it #even if anything would without me i still have to prevent it #i dont even know how. im powerlesss. nothing i do works nothing my brain tells me will fix things does

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bitchapalooza · 1 month ago

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I'm sorry for my posts today, I guess the stress from the entirety of September was piled too high and is collapsing onto my head. I'm just so tired y'all....

#the dentist office in town offers walk ins so i COULD go tomorrow but two peoblems #i cant afford to do a payment plan. after sending rent and bills im left with barely enough for any groceries needed.#i can get maybe 5 things if im lucky #also im scared. im scared to go alone. its too short notice to ask my friend to pick me up and take me. i cant do that to him.#so do i just wait until i can afford the 120$ insurance plan and risk the infection getting worse or spreading #or do i go and risk not beinf able to pay the bill and get into yet another debt #i dont think i even wanna do this for me #all i can rhink about is my niece and how is she supposed to have a good like when im the only one with decent credit #thst could get a house with a yard and her own room #whos gonna be the one to take care mom amd dad if i bite it yknow? because thats my biggest responsibility #taking care of two disabled adults bc one cant works bc hes legally blind and the other cant get approval to work from her heart dr #their ssi could decrease or lower at any point in time as demonstrated multiple times this year alone #so yeah im only doing the right thing and at least TRYING to see a dentist for their benefit and not mine #my benefit is i continue to live with slightly healither teeth? no because id rather let myself deteriorate into nothing #but i dont the choice because i have people depending on me financially and i cant fail because if i fail things worse for them #and if things get worse for them its just another one of my fuck ups #sometimes i wish i just burned in the house fire in 2008 #talkies #vent

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nomairuins · 2 months ago

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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower #so thatll hopefuly be tmrw #i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in #the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk #i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating #1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like #We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex #and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on #schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk #it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything #which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it #but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become #nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless #and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep #schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i #dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite #of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better #i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish #my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just #say nothing. yay

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jasmancer · 4 months ago

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god this fucking sucks.

#thinking that things were ok and safe COVID wise and then having the rug pulled out from under me I mean.#when I say I wish I never stopped masking I mean it for practical reasons too but a huge factor for me has also just been the psychological #distress of thinking things were safe and having that freedom followed by the gut punch of how abysmal the reality of COVID is!!!#we were never safe the freedom was false and now I'm trying to protect myself and others and nobody in my life will do the same for me #and I know I've had 1-2 infections and the compounding damage is high risk for me and the brain damage makes me so upset #bc my brain is already really bad and terrible and frustrating to live with and I cant handle it getting worse I cant #I just want to live and be a person and not have to worry about this and compromise my bodily safety bc I dont have anywhere to go where #the ppl I would cohabitate with would even CONSIDER being covid conscious and masking up like even a little bit #and I cant get too upset bc weve been lied to and traumatized and its really really hard to counteract that. bc im doing it rn and it #fucking SUCKS and i want to feel safe again so bad but I know that would be a lie #the absolute kindest and most understanding ppl around me are still treating this like its my personal problem. like ok when YOU feel safe #this is not a live and let live situation fuck!!! fuck you!!!!!#ok. gonna cry and try to sleep #it speaks

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boopboops22 · 1 year ago

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I truly think this was the most painful line of the whole ep for me.

Like ohhh my god oh good grief

#Can you believe this shit aired the day before my birthday #and i watched this. On my birthday #all excited like hehehehe !!! yippie !!! finale time !!!#AND THEN.#Crowly says 'you cant leave this bookshop' to mean 'you cant leave us' because they cant talk explicitly #but Aziraphale is God's more autistic being and doesn't fucking realize that #in his mind of course he can leave the bookshop. If it means he can be good and with Crowley he'll give up earth #and says 'nothing lasts forever'#After they have risked everything to stay and stay and make things last. To stop Armageddon #And Crowley is heartbroken #because Aziraphale is throwing out that 'fragile peaceful life Ive carved out for myself' 'I thought we carved it out for OURselves'#Crowley never trusted Aziraphale to be able to let go of heaven #but that 'nothing lasts forever' kills a bit more of his hope #because he's interpretating it to mean 'we cannot last forever'#IM GONNA GO INSAANNNEEE #anyway im gonna go do my homework and act like a normal human being 👍#good omens

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beautifel · 1 year ago

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i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

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girl-bateman · 6 months ago

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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

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dirt-str1der · 1 year ago

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Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!

#Yakuza HATEblog #i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary #also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her #ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy #like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost #his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about #and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an #absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd #beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day #but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever #stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never #risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall #when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to #suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the #fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either #way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do #things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!!#im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but #wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because #shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat #a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships #but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes #still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an #illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really #arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad #without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than #sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen #like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes #old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu

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chonnyjashh · 1 year ago

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Okay but I really do need attention right now where the fuck did everyone go?

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phagodyke · 9 months ago

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damn I rly have another 4 weeks of holiday this year huh. I should start making some plans

#well maybe more like 3 weeks bc I wanna keep some to use for long weekends or day trips #but thats still kind of a lot..#my problem is i dont wanna take time off just to stay at home bc I do that most weekends. but im not sure I rly wanna go anywhere either #I dont mind travelling but its very much just a function for me. even when im travelling for fun + not bc I Have to it feels no different #Im v independent but I just dont rly have the adventurers spirit. plus im disabled so going new places alone is so stressful sometimes #ugh I dont wanna let my parents catch wind of how much holiday i have tho bc theyll be like come stay with us for a week!#i will Kill Myself no thanks #theyll probs already get christmas with me and thats an ordeal enough #its the expense as well idk how much its worth it. even if i can afford it like that money couldve gone into so many other things #ahhh.#my flatmate did suggest we go somewhere together but i feel like shes gone off that idea.. ik she doesnt get as much holiday anyway #id feel bad eating into it just so she has to spend more time with me even tho we already live together. nightmarish ik #there are maybe some landscapes id like to see but not alone bc id wanna hike but i dont rly have any friends into that kinda hiking #like i cant rly just fuck off into the mountains for a week by myself the risk is stupid #i dont knooooow. maybe ill just do myself a cornwall trip v early or late summer when kids are in school that might be nice #bc its just trains to get there. and ive spent a lot of time alone there before like it wouldnt be as stressful as a New Place entirely #i wanna do a music festival in the summer too but rly id only need 2 days holiday for that. and again i cant rly go alone #so i need to find ppl to convince to come w me #god i feel so lame for not rly wanting to go on proper holidays. but its never felt worth it to me sorry 😭#blame the childhood trauma or whatever #ill stew on it and maybe ill think of something we'll see. ive got a while yet before id need to book stuff anyway #gotta do some more cleaning today but the sooner i can get it done the sooner i can play elden ring 🙏🙏🙏🙏#.diaries

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effervescent-fool · 1 year ago

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#really negative vent ahead so Read At Your Own Risk. im being very insufferable rn #spiraling so hard. cant tell u why though #ive genuinely ruined every last one of my relationships #not but doing anything in particular. but thats the problem #*by #im not Doing Anything #im so uninteresting??#like im barely even a person #i dont feel real. no one gains anything from being around me #every time i force myself back into reality im reminded of how fleeting it all is #so i spend all my time in my own mind #and thus let all of my relationships collect dust #i keep telling myself that i can be better that ill be there for people in the morning but i never am #and no one else is living the way i am. i have no excuse for not answering texts #every interaction feels like a burden. i dont want to live like this but i dont see any way out #im not living im just surviving. its day to day. and i dont know how to support others when im struggling to even keep myself alive rn #im fine. this is fine 🙂

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bibleofficial · 1 year ago

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this will fix me

#stream #IT CAME IN !!!!!!#now i CANT kill myself bc i’ve a PET #i want to return it it was fucking 40$ were these always this fucking expensive jesus christ #im soooooooo strongly considering just fucking for money again #but im like 😭😭😭 let’s not risk ur health anymore u … physically cannot take it. ur body & immune system are breaking down by the day 😭😭😭😭

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gothamitederogatory · 2 years ago

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Working in a relatively busy part of Gotham has its perks. On one hand, there are cafés and food places nearby and easily accessible for lunch breaks. On the other, it also means that we are directly in the line of fire every other Big Villain Event.

#literally feeling myself getting desensitised which is Not Good #it's also setting back class progress like the amount of lessons I have to push back because two face was in the fucking area!#not to even touch on the sheer fucking trauma my kids are getting with every red alert lockdown #GCPD is also ineffective on a good day corrupt on the fucking worst #but our centre can't move because of bullshit bureaucratic reasons #and if we do move the at risk kids and their families will be left without a childcare centre they can safely place their kids on #living gotham is truly some sort of hell but im not moving if i move she'll fucking win and i cant let her win #gotham #dc comics #unreality

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shatterthefragments · 3 months ago

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I’m being overdramatic I know, but maybe I’m just meant to be miserable.

(“Well maybe you shouldn’t do these sailing trips if you get so sick after” IM TOO OLD NOW ANYWAY. IM DONE WHETHER I WANT TO BE OR NOT. IVE SPENT A MONTH AT SEA TOTAL NOW. AND I REALLY FUCKING HOPED THAT I WOULDNT GET SICK THIS TIME. and I didn’t the first time (you know when Everyone still was asked to mask and we tested before boarding)) and I booked the rest of the week off to recover. That I have to call in sick for at least a little bit now too. Yeah. That sucks for all of us. Nothing I can do but not die or whatever)

#for fucks sake I need TO SLEEP #I need to get better #I need to be able to go back to work #I need to FUCKING SLEEP #but I need to brush my teeth #and you’re in there AS FUCKING ALWAYS #and I said to go first so it can ventilate after in case I do have Covid #but FUCKING SHIT ITS BEEN HALF AN HOIR AND IM SO TORED I COULD CRY #which isn’t going to help my breathing bc my nose is starting to get involved #and my body is so fucking exhausted from coughing #like shit I’m going to need a second dinner if I’m awake much longer #get OUT please #and I had my vitamin packet so it can absorb better as I go to bed #BUT I CANT FUCKING GO TO BED CAN I???#have taken the risk to cry out asking her to hurry it up #(I can’t hear her in return over my air purifier and fan but anyway)#like my half coughs sound more like sobs all day if I can’t do a full cough right now #and I think it’s so fucking fitting #too exhausted and miserable. can’t even cough properly just cough sobbing without the tears #except I still. can cough. can cough myself into puking actually 😭 I hate this so much #shattered fragments #sick posting #I just want to sleep #somebody just put me down and let me sleep UNINTERRUPTED for a full night please #if it wouldn’t hurt my throat so much more I would be sobbing right now #god I feel like crying #I just want to be well again #FUCK #haven’t even played Stardew bc I have to use two hands for it #and my shoulder still hurts (a little less after laying on the wand but not a ton less)

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s0urte3th · 1 year ago

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the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma

#i don’t understand why you bother #i really dont #i don’t understand why you risk it for me. why you decide to practically let me hurt you #i dont know why you keep ignoring the red flags. keep turning a blind eye to my ridiculously stupid actions #idk #sometimes i just wonder if i should just lock myself away yk?#if people cant talk to me then how could i hurt them? i feel like i leave a trail of acid wherever i go #that no matter what ill just keep damaging the people i love so dearly #isk man #my minds just scattered rn

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musical-0wl · 1 year ago

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/ (if you know me in person, read at your own risk)

#im just #oh so tired #over the past few years ive come more into myself #but as part of that. this house im living in is no longer mine #and now one of my most dysphoric activities is on display for the whole house #everytime i sleep at my most comfortable (naked) i am at risk of being exposed to my youngest sibling because my door will randomly get #opened to let the dog in #and im developing new dysphorias (yay) after the only informed consent GP has closed their books due to massive influx #and im still not sure if i want to look into that as an option but its struggljng to get out and i cant let it in this place that is notmine #i live in the room of someone who is not me #and part of that is i have not unpacked since moving house months ago #ready for the next one? im so tired of feeling temporary in peoples lives. and thats on me. but i feel if i just walk away and start again #one or two people might look for me. but also they might just assume i need space. ive had space. 18 years of it.#i sometimes feel like im just around to help others heal. im so lonely and isolated.#if i dont maintain the converstation 24/7 they will never message me first #if i take a break everyone will drift away. no one checks on me rabdomly. no one will show up at my door randomly. or invite me specifically #the last week ive been listening to self love off the spiderverse soundtrack on repeat. i feel like a drifter #a permanent hermit #(also with the transition stuff im caught in a bunch of unknowns. there are some things about my body i love. but more and more that keep #popping up that never were a problem before)#im just so #caught in the middle of everything #hiding parts of me away #i want to learn how to write music but now is never the right time in my life yknow?

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