#BUT I CANT FUCKING GO TO BED CAN I??? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shatterthefragments · 3 months ago

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I’m being overdramatic I know, but maybe I’m just meant to be miserable.

(“Well maybe you shouldn’t do these sailing trips if you get so sick after” IM TOO OLD NOW ANYWAY. IM DONE WHETHER I WANT TO BE OR NOT. IVE SPENT A MONTH AT SEA TOTAL NOW. AND I REALLY FUCKING HOPED THAT I WOULDNT GET SICK THIS TIME. and I didn’t the first time (you know when Everyone still was asked to mask and we tested before boarding)) and I booked the rest of the week off to recover. That I have to call in sick for at least a little bit now too. Yeah. That sucks for all of us. Nothing I can do but not die or whatever)

#for fucks sake I need TO SLEEP #I need to get better #I need to be able to go back to work #I need to FUCKING SLEEP #but I need to brush my teeth #and you’re in there AS FUCKING ALWAYS #and I said to go first so it can ventilate after in case I do have Covid #but FUCKING SHIT ITS BEEN HALF AN HOIR AND IM SO TORED I COULD CRY #which isn’t going to help my breathing bc my nose is starting to get involved #and my body is so fucking exhausted from coughing #like shit I’m going to need a second dinner if I’m awake much longer #get OUT please #and I had my vitamin packet so it can absorb better as I go to bed #BUT I CANT FUCKING GO TO BED CAN I???#have taken the risk to cry out asking her to hurry it up #(I can’t hear her in return over my air purifier and fan but anyway)#like my half coughs sound more like sobs all day if I can’t do a full cough right now #and I think it’s so fucking fitting #too exhausted and miserable. can’t even cough properly just cough sobbing without the tears #except I still. can cough. can cough myself into puking actually 😭 I hate this so much #shattered fragments #sick posting #I just want to sleep #somebody just put me down and let me sleep UNINTERRUPTED for a full night please #if it wouldn’t hurt my throat so much more I would be sobbing right now #god I feel like crying #I just want to be well again #FUCK #haven’t even played Stardew bc I have to use two hands for it #and my shoulder still hurts (a little less after laying on the wand but not a ton less)

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luck-of-the-drawings · 29 days ago

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EDYN TIDESTRIDER, CHALLENGER OF THE UNDERSEA, RIVAL OF THE DEEP. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR BROTHER WAS CHOSEN TO BE A WEAPON OF THE GODS? HOW WILL YOU UNDO WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO HIM?

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi riptide #edyn tidestrider #cw blood #EDYYYNNNN TTIDESTRIDERRR OHH HOW I LOVE HERRRR #THIS IS A PAGE FULLA REEAALLY OLD DOODLES AND REALLY REALLY OLD DOODELS AND NEW DOODLES. ENJOY.#ONLY CLEANED IT UP A BUNCH TTODAY AND IM ACTUALLY SO SO HAPPY W IT WEEEEE #WHAT WAS IT LIKE? DOWN IN THE UNDERSEA. TO VISIT YOUR BROTHER WHENEVER THE ADULTS WOULD LET YOU #A KID WHO DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON OR WHY HER BROTHER WAS BEING TAKEN AWAY OR WHY HE KEEPS GETTING HURT #OR WHY THE ADULTS JUST KEEP LETTING IT HAPPEN. ITS FOR THE BEST? FATE OF THE WORLD AND ALL THAT? HEY WHO THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE HERE #HOW DO WE STOP IT. HOW DO I STOP IT. THERES PEOPLE OUT THERE WORKING ON SOMETHING. ARITIFICIAL LEVIATHAN YOU SAY?#WE COULD BUILD A THING TO RIVAL THE GODS. WELL. SIGN ME UP. IM GOING TO UNDO WHAT THEY DID TO YOU #WHAT A FASCINATING THING SHE ACTUALLY SAID. 'IM GOING TO UNDO WHAT THEY DID TO YOU' HELLO?? EDYN? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN #WHAT EXACTLY DID THEY DO TO HIM. OTHER THAN THE PROPHECY TRAINING. YOU CAN UNDO THAT? YOU CAN UNDO ALL THAT? HOW?? HELLO???#LIKE SURE I JUST SPOUTED MY THEORIES I THINK SHE WANTS TO KILL GOD BUT THATS JUSTA THEORY... A GA #WHAT IS EDYNS GOAL AND WHY CANT SHE TELL ANYONE OOUUUHHH EDYNNNN CMERE EDYNN CMERRE STOP WALKING AWAY CMERE. COME HERE.#fuuuuuck shes so mysteriousss what is she HIDING!!shes also so so so so angry i fucken know she is. shes so gentle and so sweet and timid #but she is ANGRY and shes SMART and clearly shes AMBITIOUS bc shes TALKING TO THE FUCKING BIG HEAD HONCHO O THE FUCKEN NNAAAVYYYYY #ALSO WHO IS NICHOLAS. IF THATS EVEN HIS REAL NAME. WHO DID YYYOU MEET EDYN. DO YOU HAVE A WISH TO BE GRANTED EDYN???#CHEWING ON THE BARS O MY CELL I NNNNEEEEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT EDYN IM SO CURIOUS IMG ONNA KILL PEOPLE #i said once in another post 'the oath an eldest sister takes on is on par w that of a paladins-#-and sometimes upheld w the very same ferocity'. I REALLY LIKED THAT LINE.#pleeese... if u can hear me.. pls join me and draw edyn w unbridled plasmatic rage abt the way her brother was treated by the Elders #also pls draw her SCARY. I NEED HER TO BE SSCARY. PLEEASEE I NEED HER TO BE JUST AS VIOLENT AS GILLION BUT INA ICE COLD WAY #JUST AS VIOLENT JUST AS STRONG JUST AS MUCH OF AN AQUATIC MONSTER. im sure u see the vision.#ok i gotta go t bed now i got work in tha morning n i should nnot be stayin up this late. if u hav thoughts abt edyn pls scream abt em #okay byyyyeee goodniiigihhttttt

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b4kuch1n · 1 year ago

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siren

#bakuspecial #cw: nudity #cw: body horror #monster #siren! I think. they're bird to me #I think this has been brewing since that stream mim did of drawing dnd monsters only from official text description #and when the official art for the sirens were shown I was like. oh thats just a woman with wings #lmao like. granted. its an official dnd book available for all audience. you cant make it too Bad To Look At #(I do not agree with this but it wasnt about me. if its about me its gonna be about very few people lmao)#but yeah. after that I got slightly too into the idea of putting more bird into birdwoman #but I also do genuinely love monsters that are Rearranged Human Parts so. I couldnt commit too much to the bird scales Im so sorry #I wanted the fleshiness. the feel. textural experience of holding her hands and being like oh that's a human #even when ur eyes tell u otherwise. mmm #...I looked to my right as I was typing these tags and saw. the fucked up pikmin I tried to sculpt the other day along with the pin #and got startled #its so. its so fucked up. gods. dusty white naked grainy parsnip #I used to have that one doll I butchered wanting to customize in a box next to me and thats way less upsetting than this. man #its perfect actually I will never throw this thing away. anyways #now. now I go to bed. its sleep time for the baku #have a good night lads! you CAN have it both way easily you just need a big bat

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itsdefinitely · 7 months ago

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do girl jeri and boy jerry exist explicitly to torment me

#boy jerry #girl jeri #abstinence camp #just reread my favorite jeri/ry fic im not okay #what the fuck is wrong with them why are they like that. never change 👍#i need to stop provoking jeri/ry thoughts after i'm supposed to be alseep how am i meant to go to bed #when there are fictional characters who are doomed to be apart no matter how much they want to be together. no matter #how inseperable they are #no matter how much they love each other unconditionally. even after they each broke their number one rule #no matter how much theyve forgiven each other (but not really. theres some deep seeded part of them that cant be forgiven)#no matter how close they are to each other. they can only be friends. very close friends #hi have you ever thought about 'the little death' in reference to 'til death do us part'? because i do. i do.#definite's ted talks

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chronicowboy · 18 days ago

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actually so low on morale.

#sami rambles #i don't think anyone without a chronic illness can understand what it's like to then get sick on top of that because like.#my flatmate who gave me this chest infection carried on with her life like it was just an annoying cough.#which i have my own issues with regarding like passing it around because she wasn't wearing a mask anywhere :/#like with my condition at least when i get sick my whole body shuts down in order to actually have enough energy to fight the bug.#but my body stops functioning the way it should #my brain slows all the way down so i can't focus on anything #so i am literally just reduced to lying in bed until i start to get better #and it's not even like i can really do work whilst lying in bed because again. brain no work!!#so im just bored and there's a thousand things i need to do but i cant focus on any of them long enough to actually do them #and even thinking about doing them feels like im thinking about taking up the mantle of sisyphus and rolling that big fucking rock #anyway. I'm going up a hill with my friends tonight to watch the fireworks and drink hot chocolate idc if it kills me

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greasydumbfuck · 4 months ago

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thinking about frank and sex (in a sad way)

#marvel #frank castle #the punisher #not as in about sex with him but like how hes portrayed in relation to it in the comics if that makes sense #hes just always so deeply uninterested not just in the women but the act itself too like #so many times hes like. not pressured thats the wrong word but like i can think of at least two times i saw #where the women just kinda. walk themselves into his bed. and hes like 'eh idk about this' but then just kinda does it anyway #like i imagine the writers intended for this to be like a cool guy thing yk like ah he gets so much action and he DOESNT CARE cuz hes COOL #but ME personally i cant help but read it like. god idk i dont want to say him letting himself get used and using them in turn #theres this expression 'going through the motions' that kind of feels right here but idk how to explain it #hes just so weird about it. every time. in my mind i cant imagine him ever really wanting it very much #like maybe to feel good sometimes but its never. idk am i making sense am i just saying shit #is he gay asexual missing his dead wife or just so so fucking traumatized and dead on the inside that his body is just an object now #so many fun ways to interpret this #<guy who is not having fun interpreting this #wish i could just project my thoughts into your heads so youd see exactly what i mean cuz i dont feel im verbalizing this well enough #god take a shot every time i say 'like' or 'just'. youll be off your face from this post only #i may be making shit up tbh idk the thought struck me out of nowhere while i was looking at the ceiling

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faaun · 11 months ago

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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it #it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper #provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the #interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after #50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked #his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it #he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from #when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has #his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever #but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how #we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe #cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna #back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed #practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence #we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one #who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted #to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say #goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa #the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding #his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.

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puppyeared · 1 year ago

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ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

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supergameboytwo · 4 months ago

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Has anybody else in this thread experiencedjust completely losing trust with anything their family members promise because they're so unreliable but then they notice that you did that and keep trying to rope you back in and occasionally it sounds convincing enough so you agree and then the thing happens and then you just remember why you started not trusting them to begin with

#“i know you have to work tonight but hooking the washer and dryer up will only take 15 minutes”#and then we were there for an hour and a half because yeah ok hooking them up only took 15 minutes but when we agreed to this #you left out the really fucking important part about how you were going to run a test cycle on the washing machine to check for leaks #FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU #I NEEDED TO BE IN BED WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM #CAN YOU JUST NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 15 MINUTES AND 2 HOURS? IS YOUR BRAIN COOKED SO BAD THAT YOU CANT TELL THE DIFFERENCE?#WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING ISSUE WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

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plasterhound · 19 days ago

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.

#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like #im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology #thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar #idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane #im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism #bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock #man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything #theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me #fucked up if true #uh #vent #its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever #FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED #FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD #PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

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ef-1 · 10 months ago

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girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

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phagodyke · 1 month ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍