#like im barely even a person
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#really negative vent ahead so Read At Your Own Risk. im being very insufferable rn#spiraling so hard. cant tell u why though#ive genuinely ruined every last one of my relationships#not but doing anything in particular. but thats the problem#*by#im not Doing Anything#im so uninteresting??#like im barely even a person#i dont feel real. no one gains anything from being around me#every time i force myself back into reality im reminded of how fleeting it all is#so i spend all my time in my own mind#and thus let all of my relationships collect dust#i keep telling myself that i can be better that ill be there for people in the morning but i never am#and no one else is living the way i am. i have no excuse for not answering texts#every interaction feels like a burden. i dont want to live like this but i dont see any way out#im not living im just surviving. its day to day. and i dont know how to support others when im struggling to even keep myself alive rn#im fine. this is fine 🙂
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As gen-AI becomes more normalized (Chappell Roan encouraging it, grifters on the rise, young artists using it), I wanna express how I will never turn to it because it fundamentally bores me to my core. There is no reason for me to want to use gen-AI because I will never want to give up my autonomy in creating art. I never want to become reliant on an inhuman object for expression, least of all if that object is created and controlled by tech companies. I draw not because I want a drawing but because I love the process of drawing. So even in a future where everyone’s accepted it, I’m never gonna sway on this.
#personal#im still fighting it but im also a realist so I’ve accepted that this will be our future#rant#gen ai is fucking boring#I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a ‘going against the crowd. not like the rest of society’ type (it would be depressing if it did)#but yeah even in a world where it’s considered totally fine to use ai to make art I’ll still be using my bare hands#because I like it and nobody can take that from me#if you’re a young artist interested in or already using ai. just know that the thing you rely on to make art can be taken away at any point#all of it. and there’s nothing you can do about it if they decide to. it doesn’t belong to you
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i have been trying to figure out why the whole 'fae god' and katniss everdeen things with kendrick lamar on here were bothering me, and i think i finally put it into words.
most posts like that are probably coming from well-meaning white people (i am also partially a White People, to be clear), who otherwise dont really listen to rap. they cannot find a way to 'relate' to this black man who sings largely about issues that affect the black community– and rather than try and meet him where he is, they have to fit him into these little tumblr cultural boxes before he can be 'palatable' to them.
they have to shave off the rougher/more abrasive aspects of his work and activism because it makes them uncomfortable, that way they can pigeonhole him into something that allows them to enjoy his work without the critical analysis that MUST come with it
he is not your fae god, he is not a YA protagonist, he is not a little gremlin or a cinnamon roll or a blorbo. He is a human being with opinions and beliefs that deeply permeate his work, and to ignore that truth is to ignore the entire point. PLEASE try to engage with artists' work outside of the lens of tumblr fandom, and i mean that as nicely as possible. you are doing YOURSELF a disservice
#kendrick lamar#to clarify#i am a white person that isnt super familiar with rap culture as a whole#but thats more because im like that with literally every musician#half the time i can barely even name the lead singers of some of my favorite bands#i also only really learned of kendrick through the context of the disses he released last year#but the way people were reacting had me incredibly intrigued#so i DUG. i watched reaction videos. i watched people dissect the lyrics and explain#i watched FD signifiers breakdown of the whole history of the beef#and because of that ive been following the story as it developed#because i find kendricks cultural influence astonishing#and it makes me sad to see people just. ignore the history and culture of the conflict#while claiming to be invested in whats happening
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Doing master studies the only way I know how: Stealing them and making them my guys.
(Barberini Faun)
(The Fallen Angel - Alexandre Cabanel)
(Covent Garden - William Bruce Ellis Rankin)
#obviously. not actually theft...#i was gonna say these are public domain but covent garden actually isnt yet#it will be. in two years.#thats the most different one though like i added a whole new guy..#maybe not the most different. barberini faun is pretty different i just took the post#pose#its barely even a study. thats not true#but. what was i saying.#oh its not theft it's study... the purpose is to learn!!! but also. if im gonna spend like 2 days on something...#its GONNA be my guys#otherwise. idk. i only want to spend 30 or so minutes per study#just to get the notes down and the practice for the skill im working on#i dont get all that much more out of completely rendering a master study. PERSONALLY.#at least definitely not enough to be worth taking 100x longer#but making them my characters makes it worth going all the way!!!#plus it's good practice w like. not just going 1:1 but actually genuinely interpreting whats there so i can manipulate it...#again. personally. this is just how i worm#WORK#youd better worm bitch#uhm... anyways yeah. ive done lots of study but why TF share it LMAO i dont even save it#its just to learn. ive got 1 million other drawings to save and look at later.#once the learning is done it's done its job and i have no need anymore#this is why the only studies i have are from school. i had to save and upload them#well. ok also i dont study as much now BUT in my defense im a full time artist#an hour or so a week is different ok im learning while working too.. i learned how to learn and i do it all the time now#master studies#digital art#my art#illustration#my ocs
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I’m starting to think there was something really fucking weird in those cameos like hypnotizing subliminal messages or something bc WHAT DO YOU MEAN YALL CRASHING OUT THIS HARD ABOUT A WHITE, RACIST, SEXIST, ABLEIST, TRUMP-SUPPORTER MAN THAT CAN’T ACT??????????!!)?!:!!!!/!/!
WHAT IS GOING ON???????
#LIKE I WATCHED THE SHOW#HE WAS BARELY A FOOTNOTE#AND WHAT HE GAVE US WAS ASS#HIS CHARACTER WAS A TERRIBLE PERSON#AND THE RELATIONSHIP WAS BARELY A THING#like i swear i feel like im going insane#did i miss something#like a tommy kinard extended cut????#WHAT AM I NOT SEEING#AND WHY ARE YALL DEFENDING THE ACTOR#EVEN THO HE’S A DOGSHIT PERSON#anti tommy kinard#anti lou ferrigno jr#anti lfjr#anti bucktommy
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it's like, i really do enjoy most of the bats as characters and i really do like a lot of their comics. but also i am sooooo tired of them being hailed as better than literally everyone else. both in fanon but also in comics (modern ones are esp egregious imo, like WHAT was that shit about batman and the joker being the most dangerous men on the planet. hi. have you heard of lanterns? speedsters? supers? actually if i keep listing groups who could kick batman's ass we'd be here all day). they're like kudzu. that shit needs to stay in its native environment (funky little neo-noir detective stories) and stop being an invasive species (putting down everyone else to make them seem cooler). put bruce wayne back into a murder mystery setting that isn't about saving the world but is about saving one person or one family that no one else would've saved right now or so help me god. the whole invasive species cross contamination thing is unhealthy for both him And the other ecosystems he keeps getting transplanted into. please. it's so dark in here
#rimi talks#imo it's also like a massive escalation problem like Everything has to be huge immense world ending bullshit plots#rather than ''i am going to solve a local mystery to help local people'' things. which are important also#um. points at action comics 792. you see like superman does here? caring about one person who someone thought wouldn't matter to anyone?#sorry im just going to go on a superman tangent but ac791 and 792 both absolutely gutted me and everyone should read them#both are pretty standalone and both ruined me#one is about something tragic that happened when clark was in high school#and just wanted to try and help a girl everyone was bullying for being fat. and they became friends and had a good time at a dance together#and then the second one is about him noticing the chatty guy who runs the newspaper stand where he stops sometimes is missing#and then just stopping at nothing to try and find him. even though he's someone he barely knew outside of being a regular at his stand#and it just really got me. my god. more of that pleaseeeeeee 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕
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ok I have A Lot of thoughts about the staircase confession (well really about Edwin's whole character arc, but all roads lead to rome) but for now I just wanna say that, yes, I was bracing myself for something to go terribly wrong when I first watched it, and yes, part of me was initially worried its placement might be an uncharacteristically foolish choice made in the name of Drama or Pacing or Making a Compelling Episode of Television but at the expense of narrative sense--
But I wanna say that having taken all that into account, and watched it play out, and sat with it - and honestly become rather transfixed by it - I really think it's a beautifully crafted moment and truly the only way that arc could've arrived at such a satisfying conclusion.
And if I had to pinpoint why I not only buy it but also have come to really treasure it, I'd have to put it down to the fact that it genuinely is a confession, and nothing else.
That moment is an announcement of what Edwin has come to understand about himself, but because it takes the form of a character admitting romantic feelings for such a close friend, I think it can be very easy, when writing that kind of thing, to imbue it with other elements like a plea or a request or even the start of a new relationship that, intentionally or not, would change the shape of the moment and can quickly overshadow what a huge deal the telling is all on its own. But that's not the case here. Since it is only a confession, unaccompanied by anything else, and since we see afterward how it was enough, evidently, to fix the strangeness that had grown between him & Charles, we're forced to understand that it was never Edwin's feelings that were actually making things difficult for him - it was not being able to tell Charles about them. 'Terrified' as he's been of this, Edwin learns that his feelings don't need to either disappear completely or be totally reciprocated in order for him to be able to return to the peace, stability, and security of the relationship with which he defines his existence - and the scale of that relief a) tells us a hell of a lot about Edwin as a character and b) totally justifies the way his declaration just bursts out of him at what would otherwise be such a poorly chosen moment, in my opinion.
Whether or not they are or ever could be reciprocated, Edwin's feelings are definitively proven not to be the problem here - only his potential choice to bottle it up - his repression - is. And where that repression had once been mainly involuntary, a product of what he'd been through, now that he's got this new awareness of himself, if he still fails to admit what he's found either to himself or to the one person he's so unambiguously close with, then that repression will be by his own choice and actions.
And he won't do that. Among other things, he's coming into this scene having just (unknowingly) absolved the soul of his own school bully and accidental killer by pointing out a fact that is every bit as central to his self-discovery as anything about his sexuality or his attraction to Charles is: the idea that "If you punish yourself, everywhere becomes Hell"
So narratively speaking, of course it makes sense that Edwin literally cannot get out of Hell until he stops punishing himself - and right now, the thing that's torturing him is something he has control over. It's not who he is or what he feels, but what he chooses to do with those feelings that's hurting him, and he's even already made the conscious choice to tell Charles about them, he was just interrupted. But now that they're back together and he's literally in the middle of an attempt to escape Hell, there is absolutely no way he can so much as stop for breath without telling Charles the truth. Even the stopping for breath is so loaded - because they're ghosts, they don't need to breathe, but also they're in Hell, so the one thing they can feel is pain, however nonsensical. And Edwin certainly is in pain. But whether he knows what he's about to do or not when he says he 'just needs a tick,' a breather is absolutely not what's gonna give him enough relief to keep climbing - it's fixing that other hurt, though, that will.
Like everything else in that scene, there's a lot of layers to him promising Charles "You don't have to feel the same way, I just needed you to know" - but I don't think that means it isn't also true on a surface level. It's the act of telling Charles that matters so much more than whatever follows it, and while that might have gone unnoticed if anything else major had happened in the same conversation, now we're forced to acknowledge its staggering and singular importance for what it is. The moment is well-earned and properly built up to, but until we see it happen in all its wonderful simplicity, and we see the aftermath (or lack thereof, even), we couldn't properly anticipate how much of a weight off Edwin's shoulders merely getting to share the truth with Charles was going to be, why he couldn't wait for a better, safer opportunity before giving in to that desire, or how badly he needed to say it and nothing else - and I really, really love the weight that act of just being honest, seen, and known is given in their story/relationship.
#dead boy detectives#edwin payne#the case of the very long stairway#im sorry this really IS the short version of my thoughts i swear#i didnt want to get long and rambley backing everything up and mentioning everything else this forces me to reconsider#i just feel like i've barely interacted w this fandom and still seen quite a few odd duck takes on this moment imo#i dont think he wouldntve got the nerve to say it otherwise#(he was already going to! & if anything his new experiences in hell only cement that being the right choice)#and as much as i get what fear can do to a person i still definitely dont think he was resigned to staying in hell if charles reacted badly#i truly think he just couldnt keep it to himself any longer#the show is upfront about his escaping hell being a testament to his own strength rather than a lucky break of some sort#so i think even being on the receiving end of a rescue mission getting out still must take a lot of strength in this universe#and telling charles that definitely made him stronger/in less pain#so yeah totally necessary it happened where and when it did in my book#also i hope it doesnt sound like im being dismissive of anything charles says in this scene#but the way i see it those were all things they both already knew#so reaffirming them just adds to the idea that the act of Telling Each Other Things is what's so important here#rather than counting as a truly separate thing this conversation achieves#just my two cents
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for my money, labru is head and shoulders above other ships involving them simply due to the unmatched yap potential, i imagine them feeding off each other's energy like they're slipstreaming in mario kart until they start going fast enough to break the sound barrier
#dungeon meshi#dunmesh spoilers#labru#the Compounding Yap Effect#thinking about kabru wanting to understand the value of monsterhood despite how much pain they caused him ...#laios wanting to understand the value of humanity despite how much pain they caused him ...#none of this even mentioning how much kabru needs a person like laios to spur his character growth#kabru is a schemy schemer who schemes and it's one of his best qualities#but it's also what gets him killed over and over again in an attempt to get closer to laios and co when none of his usual tricks worked#it took until the absolute 11th hour where kabru HAD to choose#between potentially unlocking the secrets of the dungeon or giving it up to the canaries and losing his chance forever#if kabru had fallen back on what he knew he would have killed laios then and never got what he wanted#laios forcing kabru to be honest with his feelings#(a feeling kabru had buried so deep he was barely aware he had it in the first place)#is what finally gets laios to stop and listen#and he finally gives kabru enough of a reason to trust him and make kabru stop the canaries and give the party time to escape#and it's ONLY then that kabru is able to get what he wants#legit i cant imagine a more fulfilling ending for kabru than getting to directly engage his interest in a way that directly helps people#with someone who both needs wants and sincerely appreciates his skills#literally riding off into the sunset gay ass ending im#im going to be sick#day 28 being normal about them
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i thought i was finally free from my coworker as his winter holiday started but instead he showed up at my door without warning to give me a love letter containing a ring that is too big even for my thumb. i am not moon coded i just genuinely hate you.... love letter commentary under the cut
"I hope I won't scare you further away from me. every moment I can spend with you is precious to me." youve known me for like a month at best. EVERY MOMENT? like the two times weve hung out outside of work?? (against my will) "I may be blind but I see so much in you. certainly more than I should" WHAT IS THIS wwww. is this supposed to be romantic.. it just makes me think he sees more value in me than there actually is? almost like an insult? help maybe im reading this wrong. im number one idol prince shion shi0n so obviously there is much to be seen in me... (this is what happens when someone is not strict w me and lets my ego grow bigger) "I dont want anything in return. i dont even need an answer or anything like an answer, nothing needs to be different." he truly has a way with words.. well I want things to be different I WANT YOU TO DISAPPEAR. clearly you dont need an answer considering how many times ive already rejected you. "whats most important is that things wont be left out to fester on their own." what things. wh. what does this mean. "try not to drink too much on new years." i think ill become an alcoholic just to spite you. "you can throw this at a bird or keep it yourself ♥" (in regards to the ring) ?????? this has got to be the most unromantic line ive ever seen in my life wdym throw it at a bird???? a bird i dont know is a 100 times more dear to me than you
#shion.txt#he has a matching sun ring you see...#i already told him bluntly that i am not interested and even lied that theres a person im kind of dating and YET#this was my last straw so im complaining to my boss tomorrow! ^_^#sorry for my weird looking hand do you guys still like me..#snow filter so strong nezumis face is barely visible
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Sometimes I think Jade is pretty ugly and then I get hit with fanarts like these
#𖦹 ⋆꙳ ⁄ ooc.#// tbqh Jades looks arent my type at all but sadly his personality is totally my type 😭#// im weak for big brothers even though jade is barely one#// and i also like trauma suppressed men i guess 🫢#// not to forget the 'forced to grow up fast' trope for younger characters
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i need to properly draw something for coming undone at some point because do u understand how often i think of this moment
#personal#coming undone#rottmnt#''im sorry i asked for too much'' lives in my head rent free. i dont see it get acknowledged as much as the last line but like#i think it adds so much weight to it hrhghhh its so telling#''all he wanted was a thank you'' and he never asked for it because keeping them stable is so inherent to his role in the family that he#-thought it was too much to ask for. and even in an extremely distressing moment when he expresses this he thinks about the heater.#he's still thinking about taking care of them. feverish and barely lucid he's only thinking about taking care of them.#its probably one of my favorite moments in all of my fics#CU just has a lot of iconic lines that i still rlly like#go read it if you havent already. reminder
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This dialogue makes me suspicious, because remember Toshiko? Or Kai himself? Regardless of how mundane some might be, the whole point was that the“blackmail” Tozu dug up matters to them. And yet, it didn’t bother Cassidy at all.
There’s the implication Cassidy just doesn’t have any skeletons in her closet, but I don’t think that’s true. She just hides them better.
#YES IM BACK IN MY CASSIDY BULLSHIT AGAIN <- person who barely posted about her Cassidy brainrot in the prologue#Cassidy amber#p:eg#project: eden's garden#project eden's garden#p:eg spoilers#Eden’s garden#like look. if she’s so tight lipped with the things that actually bother her that not even TOZU could find something…#that makes her more sus than for ex Kai. an influencer with a controversial rep but is genuinely bothered by his blackmail#despite his (supposed) mention of it making it clear that it’s really not that bad#((this post was sponsored by me not trusting influencers/streamers oops))#mine
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having one of those mid-20s moments where you're like well damn. im really not a teenager anymore i dont hate myself anymore actually. like its insane
sorry i gotta ramble but this feels too silly to post anywhere else
#kk.txt#not snz#like for a while even the thought of like admitting i didn't hate myself felt like.. like i was being full of myself#idk what clicked in my brain a few years ago but it felt like i started to see myself more and like understand myself as a person#like i would a friend. and i just didn't think like that before i guess lmao#but like idk i dont talk about my personal life much but ive been recovering from post-pandemic agoraphobia#and i just went on my first big trip alone and im like. god its barely there anymore its just a little shadow in the corner of my mind#that only spreads occasionally now instead of overwhelming me#like im still terrible at a lot a lot a lot of social interaction type stuff but im like.. doing better than i thought id be able to#a few years ago. like idk im not good at.. change and especially conceptualizing myself as someone who can change and be fluid#like i really do think a majority of my person like my core morals and demeanor havent changed that much. and i like that#it makes me feel more secure to be that way#but at the same time its like my mental image isn't nearly as self hating as it used to be#like i used to picture myself as coming off basically the same way as that girl from watamote lmao like#ugly greasy awkward offputting weird#but now im like.. im just some guy... like yeah i have less experience putting effort into my appearance and i slouch and i have acne#but i am also capable of looking good occasionally. i dont need to do it all the time#ok i got off the bus and my train of thought died goodbye
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MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.
#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom#or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on#completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes#and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective#bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling#seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot#whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback#to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea#also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real#aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head#also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol#like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all#same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now#in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around#and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to#isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters#they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me#also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus#but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn#also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol#it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things#i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me#it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was#let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl#obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway#arcane spoilers
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im gonna be so real I just dont fucking get how quadratum and shibuya would be the same place
#like OBVS they are both districts in tokyo#and possible deal with death/afterlife#but if Shibuya is its own world with its own worlf order#srry I just dont get how yozora's GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fit in the mix#like what is the deal here what is happening#I'm tired of hearing fanboy theories that barely consider all the contradictory points#i need kh4 to come out just so its out of the fucking way#Young Xehanort's involvement with 2 separate occasions of split worlds is the only thing I think can give us reliable insight#that and how I BELIEVE personally that YX was in split Traverse Town before Sora/Riku fell asleep in DDD#I know nobody else agrees but tbf nobody else pays attention to dialogue to be quite honest!!!!!!!!1!1#the twewy gang all speak like they've been separated long before sora and riku even got there#and its just annoying that nobody else suspects this is connected to kh4!!! i feel like im crazy!!!!!!#im fucking charlie in the mail room
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Have you been assesed for adhd?
nope, though im pretty sure i got it ... or its something similar bc although also not officially diagnosed there is no way im not autistic OTL
the only things i have been .. 'diagnosed' with is anxiety and chronic depression, though both of which by a therapist that got arrested for fraud and harassment (hahaha .. ._.) and im not sure how much weight that can hold both bc of .. THAT and bc i honestly have no idea how much a therapist can do (its been many years since then too) and the only meds he ever offered me where like .. drugs ('herbs')
i have been thinking of asking our family doctor about it but im rather afraid of whatever process i gotta go through to get anything that might help since im sure its also not JUST adhd that causing all this (and ... im afraid it could impact how i am treated ... like if they know im autistic are they not gonna take me seriously anymore or stop me from making choices about myself.. welp theres the anxiety ndfjkgndfknvgfdk)
(and a new therapist is pretty impossible bc theres a really big problem of not enough therapists around ESPECIALLY where i live ... also fear bc of the previous one .. haha ._, )
#ganondoodles answers#ganondoodles talks#personal#i am german so whatever process it is in america is not gonna be how it is here#.....also doesnt help that i nearly got put in a ... mental health .. facility (idk what its called in english) when i was younger#and uuh .. barely managed to make them not do it#one of the scariest moments in my life#mom made the plan with my oldest sister in secret and drove me off to the doctor .. idk if they told me just before and forced me to go#or literally on the parking lot of the doctor .. i think it was the latter#being out on a parking lot and being talked down to by my sister (who never tried to talk to me about anything mental health wise btw)#AND by the doctor .. i had to convince him to not do it .. literally so scary#-and mom about putting me in some facillity .. cant even describe it .. to me it was pure horror#im sure those facilities arent that bad or soemthing but i felt like they where trying to kick me out and into a prison#i do NOT do well anywhere that isnt home#AND doing the thing i haven been trying to make it clear makes everything a thousand times worse-#-talking about it behind my back and then just doing things without me gettign any say in it and then given no choice#its literally the worst thing you can do!!!!#sorry TMI perhaps but!!! many things have happened!! bad!!
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