#i cannot stress enough that i am Mad ADHD

[blackbat09]

🍄 and 🦷 for the ask meme!

writer's truth & dare | accepting!

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

oh, man. hmmm. i think one of my big ones is that xB and Hypno got close while Hypno was acting as HC's modded server admin in early seasons and xB would uh. privately. come to him. to ask if they could mod him to baseline human for a few of those worlds. I'm big on the guardian hybrid headcanon and the idea of it being a sudden onset thing with the 1.8 update in season 3, and I think the two of them needing to communicate on that level as xB slowly works past having issues with it as well as getting close abt modded stuff in general is. important.

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

god so this isn't writing but like - especially if you have a hard time remembering too many individual steps/tasks, putting things close together to make sure you remember to do them is genuinely really helpful. keeping my face wash in the shower, or toothbrush and toothpaste, and just having those there so it all gets remembered and done in the shower, is hella helpful.

[king-of-bottoms]

i am begging and pleading people to understand that 'mind wandering' and inattentiveness is a normal human thing and not a symptom of a mental illness or developmental disorders. it also, in excess which could constitute an illness, isn't exclusively a symptom of ADHD.

it can be a symptom of bipolar disorder, depression, any dissociative disorder, schizophrenia spectrum disorders, anxiety, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, PTSD- i could go on but i think I've made my point.

please for the love of humanity get it through your self-centered skulls!! 'mind wandering' is fucking normal human thing and not ADHD exclusive! and there are more disorders out there with inattentiveness as a symptom than ADHD!!

[danikamariewrites]

Helion x adhd!reader

A/n: I love writing these and love that you guys are enjoying them. My requests are open so feel free to send something for any SJM character (I will def be doing ones for Nesta and Mor at some point) thank you @teenageeggscissorslawyer for requesting this I'm so sorry it took so long

Warnings: some angst and mentions of mental health struggles

He knew about your ADHD, you were very open about it wanting to help make more people in the court aware of it. You're all about mental health which is something taboo in Pythian, but with Helion, you work on helping the Day Courts people normalize it

Helion was always there to help when you needed it. He was very soft and gentle with you

Helion is always there to help soothe your anxiety. Being his mate you get very overwhelmed by his job and the dangers he faces. He would always help you rationalize your thoughts so the catastrophic ones wouldn't take over

Sometimes you didn't want to do that because you just weren't in the right head space to rationalize things. The way you dealt with it all was always your choice

Sometimes you wanted to be alone in your room or walk it off

Helion would never force a solution on you if it caused you more stress

He's a very scheduled person and that's something you struggled with

Time blindness was your downfall in the past for a lot of things like showing up to classes on time or remembering important dates

When he makes you high lady you are unsure of your leadership skills

But Helion helped you navigate a lot of the work and to find things to be passionate about to help the court

You also had a kick-ass assistant who was always on top of things. Lana was truly a godsend, that girl never forgets a thing, and you always make sure to show that her work doesn't go unnoticed

You also had a bad habit of speaking out when you shouldn't or cutting people off. Once a High Lords meeting you had a little outburst

Beron was bitching about the cauldron knew what, and you just let slip what you thought was a murmured, “Fucking gods will shut up no one wants to listen to this.”

You covered your mouth as your face went beet red and all eyes were on you. Cassian, Viviane, and Feyre we're trying not to laugh while the other High Lords gaped at you

You tried to apologize but Beron wasn't hearing it. Thesan then called the meeting to an end and everyone went their separate ways

Once you were home you were on the brink of tears trying to apologize to your husband and he started cackling, “Gods love I know that was bad timing but it was so funny seeing Beron Vanserra speechless.” you started laughing too

Doubted yourself a lot and if you were worth the trouble to Helion

Helion would always tell you, “You are not trouble. You are worth all the love and attention I give you and more.” “you are the light of my life my love. If I haven't done enough to prove that I'm sorry.” “your thoughts cannot hurt you. Write them out and you'll see they're just words that mean nothing I promise.”

He felt bad when you were down about your ADHD. Part of him was mad that he had the power to heal but he couldn't heal this for you

When Helion brought that up once you told him, “I feel that way too sometimes but I know this isn't something that can be healed like a wound or broken bones. It's who I am and you've helped me so much.”

[kittydoggie]

I'm so fed up with the balkanization of chat platforms and social media.

For people who don't have my number, this has no bearing, but for those who do... why are you trying to get me on (choose platform) instead of using the sacred and divine right to text me when something important is going on?

I'm serious, I have told this select group of people that the only time I use social media or chat apps during work hours is related to work, since I do so from home. I cannot be on these things during work hours, nothing will get done because all my friends are there and I am ADHD as hell. I have stressed over and over if it is super important, text me. Time sensitive, related to health and safety, business inquiries. Things that cannot wait and need my attention right the fuck now.

People think I'm hard to get ahold of because I simply can't be on every platform at all times. Bro, there's not enough of me. I know I'm magic, but I'm not a fucking god.

Also, since I'm just bitching, if I told you I don't use a social media platform, and stressed that I hate it and only maintain my account there so some chud doesn't snipe my name, don't goddamned reach for me there. You won't get me, and I'll think you're a cunt for doing so. Yes I'm talking about fucking Facebook and Twitter.

I feel like I'm going mad. I like that people like me. I like that I have such good friends that want to talk to me all the time.

But I'm super frustrated that no one understands my basic need to not be at their beck and call, on the platform of their choice, 24/7.

[congradulations]

adhd at work

Being employed is something I have feared for a WHILE! Not just because the prospect of selling myself to capitalism until I’m 60 sounds like a nightmare. But because I have GNARLY ADHD, too. It’s god awful (AKA severe). And it’s the combined type; inattentive and hyperactive. 

I am completely reliant on ADHD meds to be successfully productive. If I want my brain to work, I’ve gotta take my meds, and this has been the case since 8th grade when I was finally diagnosed. 

Without my meds, sometimes, I literally cannot read. Without meds, sometimes, trying to understand a concept makes me physically nauseous and sweaty. I hate that I was born with (or traumatized into having) this broken brain of mine. 

I look at my coworkers… observing them and all their brilliance. They just wake up and are able to do their jobs. Able to read. Able to think. Able to sit still. Able to remain concentrated. Able to work, and work quickly. They’re like superheroes to me. 

I’m so deeply jealous of my coworkers. I’m deeply jealous of their brains. 

Thinking about it makes me cry. I’m sort of tearing up right now. And not just because my record player is playing my favorite aria from my favorite opera. 

I really am at such a disadvantage. And I’m scared I won’t be able to succeed at a full-time job. 

I managed to materialize two 4.0s in college and grad school, but that was because I absolutely tortured myself. And could also make my own schedule. I wasn’t sitting down, rushing through everything, from 9-6 every single day. Once my internship ends and job starts, those are the hours I’ll be working, and I just don’t know if I can do it.

First of all, I don’t know if I’ll be able to work fast enough. I’ve had extra time in school since first grade, way before my ADHD diagnosis, because my mental slowness was so apparent. But there are no extra time accommodations at work. I fear everyday will be a mad dash to get everything done, which will do wonders for my already cortisol-packed nervous system, I’m sure. I’m also afraid my brain will just short-circuit working 9 hours a day. That by the end of the day, my brain literally will not work. 

Monday last week, I had a particularly stressful assignment with a particularly stressful deadline. On my commute home, I was a zombie. A zombie who was crying. A zombie who would then be thrown into a week of digestive issues due to the stress of one seemingly normal day at the office. And ABRIDGED one, at that. I’m not even full-time yet.

Is this what awaits me? 

I feel particularly alone in this struggle. If anyone happens to be reading this, and understands, message me. 

Regardless, I’m just going to do my best, I guess. What else can I do? Yayyyyy. The end. 

[starry-skies-116]

Vent (TW: Internalized Ableism, Albeists Fuck Off) 

Hey, you! I've got something to report!

I am almost CERTAIN that I have broken dopamine receptors. I do have the ability to plan and see what’s ahead, but ONLY to a certain extent. I absolutely CANNOT use planners or relegate myself to specific time limits. I would consider myself prepared for any situation I come across, but I still cannot predict accurately what would happen like others.

Long story short, I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. And it is NOT what my elders would expect of one who has such a disorder- the similarities present to the stereotypes are few and far in between. I do not know of the exact details- my father said to me I was diagnosed with it at ten years of age because I had a premature birth that affected the development of my brain and body, but it might be genetic- both of my parents exhibit MANY symptoms of both internalized and subtle ableism, as well as neurodivergency. I’m SUPER mad at them for keeping such a diagnosis a secret from me until now, but it’s much too late to withhold or express such sentiments- I was bound to find out either way, but I’m still a tad salty they couldn’t foresee such a thing.

As supportive and wanting to be helpful as they are, it pains me that they are confused and have so many misconceptions about my condition and my day-to-day experiences, just dismissing it as an ‘everybody’ thing. ESPECIALLY when they KNOW I was diagnosed with the legit thing.

I do consider myself a very smart person, as well as a persistent and hardworking person- willing to do whatever it takes to use my intelligence, help others and complete tasks- but even then I am bound to make mistakes due to my ADHD and overall exacerbated rushing.

“Oh, but doesn’t ADHD go away when you’re 14?” 

NOPE! I cannot stress this fact enough- no, it does not. And you have no idea how much I wish it did.

Developmental oddities in the brain and neurodivergency cannot be undone no matter what. There is no cure for disorders such as autism and dyslexia, though they can be treated- likewise, ADHD is not some disease to be cured- it is a disorder that one carries throughout their entire life. And for me, it has made my life so frustratingly and soul-crushingly hard to this day. It doesn’t mean in any way, shape or form possible that I’m stupid, or incapable or unqualified or even lazy or hopelessly scatterbrained- no, far from that. 

It’s just that I’m different from neurotypical human beings, and that I’m NOT neurotypical no matter what excuse others might make up to try and call me ‘normal’ and ‘attention-seeking’ because ‘I’m a stupid teenager’. And because of my neurodivergency, things are made exponentially harder for me.

Like seriously, I do NOT understand how normal people work.

It’s like being told your entire life you suck at MarioKart and need to ‘try harder’ or ‘focus’ or ‘get better’ or ‘put some effort in’ or ‘care a little more’, only to find out that your game has been rigged to autotarget you with a blue shell if you stay in first place for longer than three seconds. You’d feel utterly rageful and devastated upon such a revelation being imparted unto you, no? Why, then, should I feel any different and carry on as if nothing’s wrong with me?

“Oh, but everyone is a little ADHD!”

Nuh-uh. You may have a few signs of ADHD, or you may be ditzy, scatterbrained or impulsive by personality, but ADHD is NOT A PERSONALITY QUIRK. It is a chronic, lifelong mental disorder with the symptoms being unpredictable- every single competent and appropriately educated doctor you meet WILL confirm this. There are physical and chemical differences in the brain caused by neurodivergent brain development: the structure, volume, chemical activity and communication pathways in an ADHD brain are different than those without. Different brain development is something that CANNOT BE UNDONE, regardless of how mutable the brain is as an organ. It can be masked, the symptoms can be regulated with treatment and therapy, but in the end it is still there. You cannot ‘grow’ out of ADHD because it is physically and humanly and mentally and spiritually on all levels IMPOSSIBLE. It does not go away.

Low executive function started with me LITERALLY not being able to write in agendas, whilst everyone else had no problem doing so. I was? So confused? Like, how can anyone use a planner consistently? How can anyone KNOW, or even more extreme, DECIDE what task to start on, or understand horribly worded and administered instructions lacking clearness? How can my peers subject themselves to time constraints that are set by either their elders or themselves? What is this convoluted sorcery?

Okay, fine- I shall elaborate: a simple task for others is not a simple task for me, because it could be divided up into actually a hundred tasks for all I know. When someone says ‘Clean The Kitchen’- …okay? Where do I start? I’m perfectly capable of taking initiative to do such things upon being given instructions, but then there’s the analysis paralysis that comes with taking on such a vague task. There are about a million different sub-tasks I could tackle to start ‘cleaning the kitchen’- washing the dishes, heating up water, cleaning the stove, cleaning the countertops, organizing the cabinets, reorganizing the fridge so it can have more space, checking the groceries, organizing cookware and cooking supplies that are still clean, ordering missing groceries online, scheduling pickup times, LITERALLY anything. 

And perhaps you get distracted by tasks you forgot about and then suddenly remember, such as forgetting to water the plants, forgetting about mowing the lawn, forgetting to reorganize the desk- or even worse, in the case of me being an adult, forgetting about the BILLS you still have left to pay.

Yeah, I hear the screams of horror through the screen right now. 

It’s not that us people with ADHD are lazy, or undriven or unfocused- I myself am a very driven, spirited and persistent person with plenty of emotional expression, sympathy and empathy (have to turn the tap off for a while every now and then since other people suffering affects me deeply)- it’s just that we have more difficulty doing normal, everyday things that other, more ‘normal’ people can do effortlessly- and we tend to have horrible emotional meltdowns over these matters because why is this so hard they said it was supposed to be a simple task.

Also, why are people with ADHD labeled as ‘lazy’ or ‘ditzy’ or ‘scatterbrained’? Is it because of our task management issues or executive dysfunction? Is that too inconvenient for neurotypicals like you to accomodate?

I, personally, have no problem with task initiation- it’s relatively easy for me to start new things because of the ‘default’ mood of ADHD sometimes being present on ‘good brain days’ (I want to do SO MANY THINGS I WANNA CONQUER THE WORLD). It is finishing those tasks, spacing them out, managing my time and organizational dysfunction that is a HUGE setback for me. Even with an alarm, ignoring it is the best I can do, lest I resist the urge to throw the cursed godforsaken thing across the room to get it as far away from me as humanly possible.

And also, why does literally NOBODY talk about just how harrowing forgetfulness and memory lapses are? ESPECIALLY if you have ADHD, to the point where it literally becomes a hindrance in your everyday life…?

I have tutoring this summer, right? For test preparation (ah, yes, standardized testing- the BANE of my LITERAL EXISTENCE). I had initially thought that the homework was to do sections 3 and 4 of SAT 3- I saw a three on the board, I wrote it down- I repeatedly cross-checked the homework I did, and kept on remembering and reminding myself.

Except there was a literal glitch in the matrix of reality itself, because when I got to class that next week, turns out the homework was NOT SAT 3 and actually SAT 7?

So now the other students could go outside and play Connect 4 and chess and do other fun, leisurely activities during the break time I was supposed to enjoy, while I had to wear the metaphorical godforsaken cone of shame and do the sections I was originally required to do, with the teacher scrutinizing me from his desk and looking so disappointed in me it literally crushed me.

It was so harrowing and genuinely saddening- if you could’ve seen me, I was on the verge of tears. I hated myself SO much in that moment, I actually wanted to cry.

“Well, maybe if you just applied yourself to the task at hand, maybe if you weren’t so lazy and cared a little bit more-”

SHUT UP. Oh my GOD, shut UP, PLEASE. You have NO idea just how FALSE and how DEMEANING and how HURTFUL that statement is. You have NO idea how much I wish I could believe in that laughably stupid and blatant lie, how much I wish I could just ‘try harder’ and somehow ALL my problems would be magically and miraculously fixed. 

The thing is, people with ADHD DO actually try hard. Cry and don’t believe that all you’d like- in fact, I, with ADHD, often work just as hard, if not harder, than my neurotypical and abled peers! It’s just that due to my mental disorder I have to deal with inconveniences and impairments that they don’t in day-to-day life.

Imagine someone who is blind, right? They’re exceptionally smart. The fact that they’re blind doesn’t make them any less smart, yet the fact that they are smart doesn’t make them any less blind. They’re gifted- on BOTH ends of the bell curve. And to accommodate for their weaknesses, they have things such as braille, guide dogs, and audio lessons to help them out. Same with other disabled people- people born without limbs have prosthetics made for them (at least to those who can afford them), people who are deaf communicate with sign language or have hearing aids- but the fact that these resources are available to them do NOT cure them of their illness and the impairments that come along with it. They may diminish the effect the symptoms have on their daily life, but that’s it. These aids do not eliminate the chronic, long-term illness- it is still there, making you deal with stuff that normal, abled people do not have to deal with.

And for people with LITERAL COGNITIVE DISABILITIES that IMPAIRS their JUDGEMENT AND DECISION MAKING ABILITIES?? And makes life hell at times, almost always conveniently at points when for typical people it should be easy?

No wonder my parents didn’t want me looking for information about ADHD- they wanted to delude me into thinking I was just a normal, lazy, ditzy and scatterbrained child. They thought my illness could go away when DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDERS NEVER. GO. AWAY.

PERIOD.

I am so mad. So, so mad. 

I am so mad that this has impacted my self-esteem and my capacity for hurt, thinking I was simply ‘oversensitive’ without the knowledge of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I am so mad that for literal years of my life, I thought I was a failure- that I would never be enough because sometimes it escalated to the point where it was a struggle to even stay conscious in class, let alone pay attention because I hadn’t eaten and stomach problems go hand in hand with my ADHD.

I am so mad that for literal years, my illness had been hiding in plain sight and I’ve called it ‘gifted kid burnout spiral uwu lol’ with teachers trying to discipline me in the most hurtful ways possible. I am so mad that- hell- I got BULLIED for who I was, and EVERY SINGLE TRUSTED ADULT I KNEW TOLD ME TO ‘just ignore them’.

I am so mad that the ADHD meltdowns I've suffered have been taken as me being 'crazy' or 'out of control' and that people screamed at me to calm down, only exacerbating my feelings further. I am so mad that one time when I had such a meltdown, my mom told me I was a problematic child who had to be 'controlled', and threatened to call the police on me instead of trying to calm me down and fix my cruddy mood.

I am so mad that for literal years of my life I took a blatantly ableist approach to ADHD, thinking ‘haha funnee disorder’ or ‘haha clumsy forgetful and scatterbrained so cute uwu’ or thinking that ADHD was summed up by ‘lol squirrel I’m adorable little baby’- no.

This condition is a legitimately harrowing and life-ruining thing to deal with. To those that know me personally, if you see this: stop trying to pretend I’m fine. Stop trying to pretend I’m like normal people with no problems or no impairments whatsoever. As intelligent or as talented and smart as I may be, I am human. I still need accommodations, care, love and support- but more than that, I need validation and acceptance instead of you consistently trying to tell me ‘I am just forgetful’ or ‘I just don’t care enough’. Because I guarantee you, ADHD has affected ALL aspects of my life since early childhood every waking moment, from my social life to my self-esteem, and I need YOU to do some research on ADHD, clear up your misconceptions, and actually respect and accept me for who I am and the condition I have. It never goes away. It is a thing I have to wrestle with for the rest of my life, and you NEED to accept that. Please.

Why am I talking about this? Because right now, I’m angry. I vaguely remember that I was placed on medication for the time my ADHD symptoms were exacerbated, and they only worked slightly. My parents and the rest of my family members kept on thinking of ADHD as something to control- an excuse for laziness or not wanting to do something- and honestly? I am. So MAD. I am SO MAD at them for refusing to educate themselves or me on my illness, for telling me to use planners and time constraints and schedule appointments like regular, neurotypical people when THAT DOESN’T WORK. I’m SO MAD at them not understanding or refusing to acknowledge the concept of time blindness, of memory lapses that actually make my life so inconvenient, for not putting in actual effort to live their own lives and telling me that tasks that are SO EXPONENTIALLY HARD due to my illness are ‘easy’ to them.

I am not like you. I have a mental illness that will never go away, that I will never fully ‘overcome’ and that is that. I can learn to live with it, but that is it. I wish I was normal and functional because I am NOT.

I am not just lazy, ditzy, scatterbrained, careless or distracted. I do not ‘want attention’. I am not ‘too young to decide’- no, to those who know me personally, you refuse to diagnose me with anything at all and try to delude yourself into thinking I can hold myself to your standards consistently! And if you think I’m ‘faking it’? Faking it would be a conscious decision! You’ve SEEN firsthand how ADHD affected my entire life and basically tore it to shreds sometimes- and you STILL want to deny it and tell me that I’m ‘okay’? That I'm 'normal'?

I am not like you. I am not normal.

Learn to respect me, and learn to treat my illness like an illness. Please. Treat me like a human being afflicted with ADHD. Is that so hard?

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

So my buddy L...

I kinda forgot how well we get on & how alike we are in a lot of ways. So when we first met via my ex friend (his now ex wife), we got on but apparently unbeknownst to me, he was told to not be so chummy with me. Then I went no contact with the friend & by proxy him. He popped back up about a year ago when they got divorced. Since then, timing has been such that I've mostly only seen him when he has the 3 kids, which understandably makes him a bit more... stressed.

Well this visit started the last night the kids were here, so I spent Friday & the weekend with L. I intended to leave Saturday but... now it's monday.

While he is deeply scattered because of his bonkers level of adhd and I am meticulously organized, beyond that we think alike & have the same kind of humor along with the deadpan delivery. Last night the internet went down & we spent 2-3 hrs just riffing off of each other's bits making each other laugh until we were in tears.

For example, he's a middle school art teacher & was out for all of last week, so yesterday he told me to help him come up with b.s. to tell his students when they asked why he was gone and he wants enough stories that he can tell everyone/class something different. We came up with... he was trapped in a meat freezer for a week & had to live in an igloo of frozen steaks to survive. He fell off a rollercoaster. He got lost in the woods for 4 days and was so dehydrated that he couldn't come back til today. And my personal favorite: that witch in the woods that he knows (me. He actively spreads semi true lore about me to his students. Apparently has been for like... 2 years.) got mad because he trampled some flowers so she turned him into a tree for a week. This one was punctuated by him saying in a very serious tone "Do you have any idea how hard it is to photosynthesize?!"

All deadpan, totally serious delivery.

I'll also say something or hand him something & he'll generally say "Damn it I was about to say that/look for that! How do you get ahead of my thought process?"

Listening to him talk in general is fascinating to me, too. Dude cannot express himself via written word to save his life. He has me proof/edit all his important emails. He's got serious dyslexia so he doesn't read on the reg. But he's really good at articulating verbally & has a vocabulary that rivals mine... all in an extremely thick southern drawl. I can genuinely listen to him talk about shit all day. Hell that's how I spent Saturday & Sunday. At some point he went on a 30 min rant about the Jurassic Park movie series & their lack of stegosaurus representation because they are his favorite dinosaur. (He made good points.)

Dude is so much fun to hang out with when not overly stressed about stuff.

He also doesn't watch stuff outside of specific youtube videos so I made him watch Sandman & Good Omens with me, both of which he loved. And on another trip over here, he was upset so I showed him the celebrity mean tweets from... Jimmy Kimmel? on youtube and he laughed so hard I had to pause between them out of concern for his ability to breathe.

[retroknightx]

hypmic headcanons

since nobody on my instagram appreciates me, i’m going to put them here, and it’ll be like a master post i can add onto that way anyway (which is convenient for me, because i keep adding on… yeah, it’s bad lmao. my notes document can only take so much) all of it will be under the line so you guys don’t just have a big ass post clogging your feed! to whoever my 4 followers are

starting with fling posse…

---

Ramuda Amemura

He’s trans.

He has a superiority complex to hide his inferiority complex.

He also likely has a little bot of a god complex… Just a tiny bit… Not to the point it’d endanger his life, but to the point he can never admit he’s wrong (I suppose this can also count as the superiority complex).

He also has a little bit of a schoolboy crush on Dice… that has lasted far longer than he’d ever like to admit – not that he’d ever admit it in the first place – and he gets jealous over Dice.

He started his whole thing with girls, whatever it is, as a power trip, which also explains why he likes to cause so much chaos.

Since he used to smoke, he started candy as a way to stop smoking and it slowly replaced his smoking habit (as I have yet to see him smoke otherwise, but keep in mind I’m not far into the manga and mostly I’m going off the ARB story).

---

Gentaro Yumeno

All writers are perfectionists (I’d know as one).

He’s probably very particular about the details and doesn’t like doing things without a plan.

He’s the lyric write for Fling Posse’s raps and does not enjoy making up lyrics on the spot; however he can if he must – This is also why he carries the book everywhere.

I honest to god don’t feel like he’s of this world and whatever his actual form is (irony in his rap name?), it scared Ramuda enough to create Fling Posse, so here they are.

---

now for the dice ones… it’s gonna be long!

---

Dice Arisugawa

He is, unfortunately, very oblivious to romantic approaches – especially from close friends such as his division members, for he’s been with them for so long that he can never imagine them falling in love with him.

He has abandonment issues/a fear of abandonment because his mother left him.

Speaking of his mother, Dice likely knows how to do “noble” things because he was raised by a politician; i.e. how to play piano and stuff like that.

Adding on top of that, I feel like Dice has an accumulation of many different skills from being all over the place – He learned how to do card tricks by watching others, and he probably learned bird calls from spending time with Rio.

He undoubtedly has ADHD (as a person with ADHD myself, you cannot tell me I am wrong)!

He’s well aware that’s he a leech, but he can’t stop himself because the addiction is stronger and he feels terrible about it; it’s why he often begs instead of anything else that would fit his character more.

He’s a very talkative person and often rambles to get his thoughts organized.

He doesn’t like being put into awkward situations or forced into silence because he is used the buzz of a casino and a busy city.

Relating to the ADHD canon, Dice puts his life on line not only for the thrill of it, but to keep his mind off of thoughts, and it’s also why he gambles; so he can focus on one thing.

He is numb to change because he’s a gambler.

He is very good at adapting to a new environment.

He doesn’t like being looked down up and that’s why he started gambling; to prove that he’s worth something.

He uses humor to cope if he can’t get his mind off of things with the thrill of gambling.

---

Extras (Fling Posse all together)

Dice has weird limbs, so clothing fits him weird, and Ramuda started making clothes for them because of that.

Ramuda chased after Dice after he stole his signature parka and the Fling Posse star was embroidered on later by Ramuda after the formation of Fling Posse.

Ramuda likely pulls whatever strings he has access to to make life easier for his division members (not that it stops them from getting into trouble, that is).

Gentaro spends a lot of time away when writing and likely forgets he’s even alive during those periods, so his division members make sure he’s still taking care of himself when he gets like that.

They all piss each other off, but in a platonic love kind of way.

---

moving onto matenrou! my favorite division <3

---

Jakurai Jingui

Oh, my poor man’s so tired. He just needs a long break and a spa day; speaking of this, he likely doesn’t ask for help often – it’s the messiah complex he undoubtedly has.

His hair is too long for him to be taking care of it himself, and it definitely looks in fantastic condition, so he definitely takes good care of it – I just don’t think he takes care of it himself; I think he enlists the help of his division members (as I headcanon that Matenrou is in a poly relationship).

Jakurai’s matureness can sometimes get in the way of other things, such as emotional moments, and he can come off as cold or distant when he doesn’t mean to come off that way.

Unlike the other divisions, Jakurai wanted to really separate from his past, and that’s why he named his division Matenrou instead of reusing something from the past. He also probably doesn’t like talking about the past.

His hair is naturally silver, but the lighter shades that are nearly white underneath was caused by stress.

He gets cold quickly, which is why he always keeps the lab coat on, and it’s also why he wears a turtleneck.

Jakurai does live in the same apartment as Doppo and Hifumi, but he’s always so busy that he often can’t get there, so he ends up sleeping at the hospital; he also has a separate apartment of his own that’s closer to the hospital if he has free time, but he’s not off work/off work but still on call.

---

Doppo Kannonzaka

Man, the first thing I thought when I saw him was that he has a choking kink. Enough said. He also likely has a praise kink.

If he didn’t have social anxiety and wasn’t so busy, he’d also probably be going over to Rio’s camp a lot. I think it’s because he’s so overworked that he doesn’t care about what’s in the food; as long as he gets it.

He’s probably passed out from exhaustion more than once and just got used to it.

Despite all his problems, he definitely wants to be known and he wants his name out there; he wants to be just like the other two and he definitely looks up to them already, but he aspires to be them.

He is so thankful for his divison members and he’s glad that they accepted him.

---

Hifumi Izanami

Hifumi is a classic case of “fake it till you make it”; I really don’t know how he became one of the most popular hosts in Shinjuku, but it’s definitely about the fake confidence and the jacket is a comfort object for him that allows him to have that confidence.

He cooks all the time for his division members and he uses the catches from fish all the time, too. He even brings the lunches to their works for them.

---

Extras

Since Hifumi’s always out so late, the others make sure he has everything he needs for whenever he wakes up and sometimes they wait for him.

They’re all in a poly relationship and I refuse to believe anything else; I mean, have you seen those “my room” dialouge in ARB? Fruity.

They probably all love to cuddle whenever they get the chance because they can’t do it often.

They definitely set up one day of the month for all of them to just be together.

---

buster bros time!

---

Ichiro Yamada

This may just be the Ichiro simp in me, but I think he has a very nice tummy that’d be nice to lay on; like a soft one if that makes any sense to anybody other than me.

He’s a very friendly person and if you’re close friends with him, he’s definitely loyal; he’d be willing to drop anything to help you kind of loyal, like he is to his brothers – all that, except the willing to die part.

I think he gets flustered easily and doesn’t know how to respond to compliments. That’s also probably the Ichiro simp in me.

Although he has to stop his brothers from ripping out each other’s throats all the time, he’s very proud of them and of their achievements, no matter what they are. He’s willing to praise them even for the tiniest things to make up for his absence in their lives.

He probably has a terrible sleeping schedule, but he could probably operate on pretty much anything. Two hours of sleep? That’s not an issue for him; he’s used to it.

He’s likely a cheapskate when it comes to himself, but when it comes to his brothers, he spares no expense if he can.

---

Saburo Yamada

He has a superiority complex. I mean, just look at how he acts with Jiro – that’s enough proof right there.

He got into hacking and all of that computer stuff because it was interesting to him; he’s probably pursuing a career in it, considering just how good he is at it. I feel like he’d make a good white hat hacker that tests your website security, like Alma in Va-11 Hall-A.

Call him a library, because he holds grudges for years.

I think he just likes picking arguments because he think it’s funny and there’s nothing better to do when you’re stuck with your brothers (as somebody with a sibling myself, I can attest to that).

---

Jiro Yamada

Anger issues. Yep, that’s it. That’s the headcanon.

Man probably goes dumpster diving to see what kind of treasures he can find; his room is probably full of that kind of junk.

He probably has greasy hair. It doesn’t matter how much he cleans it, it’s just greasy (as somebody with the same issue, go clean your pillows Jiro).

---

Extras

Ichiro has to hold Jiro back from just punching Saburo all the time.

God, somebody save Ichiro from his siblings; with how much they bicker, he probably has taken so much ibuprofen to stop headaches in his life that he should be considered dead from an overdose.

Despite being assholes to each other, they all help each other out – Saburo helps Jiro with his work, Jiro helps Saburo with whatever he can’t do, and Ichiro takes care of the rest. It’s the only thing keeping their bond together.

---

mad trigger crew, my beloved.

---

Rio Mason Busujima

Rio’s very stoic and that often doesn’t break, so it’s very rare to see a smile on his face. He has different smiles for different things too – there’s the business one; one so he doesn’t look as intimidating, and the actual genuine smile that’s very rare to see, but it happens when somebody appreciates his food.

Rio’s not good at understanding emotions and it takes him awhile to process emotions; he goes quiet in these moments and it can be confusing for those who don’t know him, but once he’s thought everything out, he’s very smart about responding.

He’ll never fully adjust to a life outside of the navy and military.

Opposite to Dice, he finds the buzz of a city to be too distracting for his thoughts and he enjoys his solitude, but he doesn’t mind company at all.

Due to how his unit was broken up, he refuses to abide by H law and keeps his gun on him. Even Rio can be spiteful. However, he mostly uses it for hunting, which is why he’s so far out in the forest.

He definitely has a lot of scars and that’s why he often wears his fatigues; he doesn’t wana come off as off-putting. His cards without the jacket did him so dirty. Of course he’d have scars from fighting in World War 3.

He can come up with strategies on the spot and is a very quick-thinker when it comes to combat.

Despite how ruthless he is when it comes to rap battles and being an ex-navy, he’s actually a very gentle soul.

I feel like he’s asexual, but homoromantic.

---

Samatoki Aohitsugi

He only uses the bad guy persona as a way to be left alone, but he’s actually a very kind person.

Despite being a yakuza, he actually abides to the H law and it’s probably only because of Nemu (however, this is only based off of the anime, so I can’t say for certain, but I haven’t seen anything in the manga disproving otherwise yet).

I just feel like he eats a lot throughout the day. I can’t explain this one, but he has the vibes.

He also knows how to cook quite well himself, and he does it for his division members sometimes.

---

Jyuto Iruma

He’s very cocky because he knows he can get away with things; I mean, he’s the authorties, why wouldn’t he get cocky about what he can do? However, it’s somewhat annoying to Samatoki.

If he wasn’t a gay bastard, Samtoki and Rio probably would’ve been arrested long ago. Thankfully for them, he is a gay bastard.

He likes looking good no matter what; it helps his confidence, so he dresses up to go out anywhere.

His glasses are probably just reading glasses.

He likes spending money on expensive things.

---

Extras

Samatoki and Jyuto are in a relationship. They’re so fruity that I’m sure I don’t have to explain this one.

Samatoki doesn’t approve of Rio dating Dice at all and it’s only because of Jyuto that Dice is still alive.

Rio is pretty much their marriage counselor; he has to constantly deal with them bickering, so of course he is. He’s pretty much the adopted child to save their marriage.

---

Ships

Riodice

Samajyu

Poly Matenrou

---

i will likely make a separate post for the ship headcanons because this will be much longer, but i think this covers all of them anyway, so here you go. enjoy.

[vldlance]

tell me abt lance’s history with catholicism. :}

disclaimer: i am not a catholic and i know little abt it...i was raised w/o religion but went to a christian school for years so any/all info i have here is...based on vague osmosis of information from that/media lksjdflksjdflksdj. also i think i did attend one catholic mass once but it wasn’t on purpose and it was Mad stressful

yeah i think lance’s family would be catholic lol but that’s not exactly controversial and seems to be the fanon interpretation overall

however i think lance...never would’ve really believed in it

i’m just imagining little tiny lance at mass trying desperately to sit still with undiagnosed ADHD...

his mom CONSTANTLY has to remind him of all the little things he’s meant to be doing. he does the sign of the cross hand motion incorrectly for YEARS and he always forgets to do the kneeling thing before he enters the pew

he will never remember all the prayers and stuff. his mom and dad r really devout about praying the rosary when mass starts and he just watches them and fidgets in his seat the whole time because he literally cannot remember what he’s supposed to be doing or saying

he always hates that no one wants to talk during church bc they’re all praying. he tries to sit and pray but he’s like? not sure what to pray for?

10 year old lance: uh...dear god...help me do that cool trick on my bike i’ve been trying to do. and? i have a math test coming up? ok cool thanks

he then looks around and realizes he’s still supposed to be praying. instead he sits there and imagines all his transformers at home and plays with them in his head

his mom keeps having to nudge him bc he’s making sound effects under his breath

most of mass for him is just phasing out and trying to pay just enough attention to stand when everyone else stands or kneel when they kneel or whatever

he likes after church though because his mom always lets him play with the other kids in the parking lot while she talks to all her church friends

as he gets older, he gets more stressed out by church. he feels...guilty, a lot of the time, and especially so once he starts realizing he crushes on boys

the catholic church doesn’t really have a great track record with the gays. even when they aren’t talking about it, he knows that he would be in trouble if he ever said anything about being bi

he once confesses feeling things for boys during confession

13 year old lance: i have a friend, elliot. he’s nice. but...sometimes i think he’s really pretty. is that okay?

priest: listen to me closely. you are being tested by the devil--

lance: haha cool i was just kidding ANYWAYS

he never says anything again

when he goes to the garrison at age 14, it gets...easier

he doesn’t really keep up with doing any of the catholic stuff. he feels less guilty, though

he still wears his cross necklace...he just hides it under his uniform

when they go to space with voltron, it’s about the same, he just doesn’t really have time to think about it

it’s easier to avoid without his weekly calls to his mom. it’s not even like she brings it up, but he just feels guilty whenever he’s not 100% honest with her

he’s pretty sure he’ll never tell her, though.

especially once he dies. it’s really hard to believe in things after that, especially things that tell him he’s wrong for loving who he loves

especially when there’s a boy that he’s falling more and more in love with every single day

they eventually get back to earth, and he’s not sure what will happen next, but his mom doesn’t seem keen to press him on his religious affiliations after he’s been missing for so long

his cross necklace now sits in a special box in his room. he still likes it, even if he doesn’t want to wear it daily

this seems sad towards the end don’t talk to me but! anyways i hope that was enough sldjflksjdf it got really long sorry

[heartate-aa]

thank u everyone who’s sharing and hearing me out ;w; this took literally 4 months for me to finally finish writing like. if anyone thinks at all that i did this for fun. please. it was extremely mentally taxing and stressful to even think about putting this together at all and i put it off for so long because of how draining it was of my spoons and then i’d get distracted with my adhd and just not being fit enough to continue with retraumatizing myself by going through all of the screenshots.

looking through everything that happened with clear, lucid, unclouded eyes was a jarring experience and i just. sat there like. how the fuck did i ever put up with any of this, especially for as long as i did.

i remember sitting there during and after each fight with raphael just sitting and crying my eyes out so hard that i had a migraine and and my throat was dry from literally how dehydrated i’d get from how long i spent crying. not just 2-3 hours straight. sometimes i would be crying for like, 6-7 hours STRAIGHT at a time because that’s how long raphael would spend yelling at me and expected me to sit there for without pause or break. i couldn’t sleep. i didn’t have any appetite to eat or drink during a lot of our arguments or the days that followed. not that i was allowed to get up and leave and i know that sounds stupid but raphael would get mad at me if i took too long to respond while they were busy chewing me out.

forza tried to victim blame me and say that i wasn’t having new revelations all of a sudden. while i was aware for a long time that this wasn’t healthy and that it upset me, i was in severe denial that it was abuse. any victim of abuse in a relationship will tell you firsthand just how difficult it is to come to terms and say, even in the privacy of YOUR OWN HEAD where no one care hear you, that the person you love is hurting you and abusing you. looking back at all of these screenshots, it hurts. i cannot believe. that i sat through that. and in so many of them i can see how tired and numb and exhausted and hurt i am and raphael just kept going without remorse. i honestly think that raphael was tormenting me for fun during a lot of these arguments. there’s no way anyone just blatantly ignores someone the way raphael did unless it’s for fun. 

anyways sorry to keep making posts. i’ll try not to post anything unless people have things they want to get off their chest about raphael and co as well. thank you for hearing me out. i’m sorry to keep dragging this out for so long

[cham-chammity]

Hey, everybody. I'm just gonna have this post be some kind of rant or word vomit thing, I guess TW for emotional/mental distress? I don't know.

Anyways, I apologize to those who's messages are sitting left on read in my DM's and to those who have asks sitting in my ask box unanswered. I struggle really hard with getting back to people or answering them. I feel really bad because I'll ghost someone because it takes too much mental energy to text or reply to them, I even ghost people without even realizing it. It makes me feel so, so bad--I promise I don't want to ghost or ignoring anyone. It's just a constant struggle for me.

I've also lately been having a really hard time with my emotions. I experience intense, prolonged amounts of emotion such as sadness or excitedness. The experiening sadness part has been much worse for me lately. I also am having such a hard time with doing school work, and it's only been two weeks since school started up again. I'm already behind on homework with some classes and I'm freaking out because I don't want a repeat of last school year. Last school year I was unmedicated for my depression amd anxiety so it was a literal living hell. I'm so goddamn scared I'm going to somehow go through all of that again. Hell, my mom is already on my ass about some "missing assignments" I have and I just cannot deal with this.

You see, my anxiety and depression was worse than ever last year. Because of that they heavily masked my ADHD symptoms. Now that I am back to how I normally function, I'm realzing now how much my ADHD really affects my day to day life. And it's so goddamn stressful. My mom won't let me go on medication due to quite a few reasons I don't feel like explaining right now--but if it means I can get tasks done and actually be able to regulate my emotions like a goddamn normal person, I want to try it out. I do however regularly drink caffeine since it is a self-medicating way to help treat ADHD, but it certainly isn't enough.

And what's worse about all of this going on is, whenever I reach out, people always say "omg that's so me too!" "Ugh I can relate" "i have trouble with x and y too hahaha!" And it makes me so goddamn fucking mad.

No, you dont know what I mean. You cant relate. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IM EXPERIENCING. why?? Because if you did, you'd empathise with me and take me seriously and not jokingly laugh while you explain why its so "hard" for you to do something that doesnt even relate to what im talking about all while by default sayinf "oh same lmao". Also, most of the people I reach out to about this arent neurodivergent like me. ADHD makes things x10 harder than what youre experiencing. Im sick of the bullshit responses I recieve whenever I talk about my struggles.

I know I talk a lot about ADHD on my page, but I usually only ever adress the silly, stupid, minor stuff. The surface level stuff. Im gonna be honest, ADHD sucks. Its not some personality trait that makes someone extra quirky and cute. It legit makes life so much fucking harder. And so many people in real life I talk to about this dont fucking realize that.

Anyways, I just needed to get that all out of my brain. Thank you so much to those who read through the whole thing.

Please be patient with me, and I know there's quite a few people who follow me that are neurodivergent as well, so some of you here probably know exactly what Im talking about. But all in all if i ever take awhile to respond to something or my actual response is weak and short, please please please know it's not that I dont like you or arent interested in what you have to say.

Thanks everyone, I love you all :)

[seeminglyseph]

god how are there so many things. I got distracted because my computer is being a laggy pile of dicks, but knowing it’s because it’s a shit computer is a little comforting, lol  I thought I was just exceptionally hard on computers. ‘12 tabs open in firefox AND spotify? you absolute madlad’ you know? So a decent computer is on the list sometime. I need to restart everything before I start drawing or like my computer goes ‘high resolution with four layers? I think it’s about time for the program to go non-responsive for 30 seconds and scare the shit out of you.’

budget rambling under cut, and then bitching about friend breakup

- Galaxy S6 LITE will cover my need for a portable drawing space so that’s plan one

- New desktop makes for maybe an easier work process. This one’s nebulous in the timeline, depends on when my office gets moved because then I’ll need a desk first.

- I want a long corner desk that like takes up a wall and a half so I can have other projects on the side without it creeping into my drawing space like I do right now. One I’ve been eyeballing at staples is about $400, which I hope I can save up for. Futon to have people over in the office but if it’s still covid for like another year or some bullshit it would be pointless to spend my money making guest spaces.

- I think I want a couple shelves to keep my trinkets and stuff on too ‘cause I got a lot of dumb figures and stuff just to put on my shelf and think ‘I almost have the whole batfamily, just need Jason and Duke.’ though I got a bootleg tim and he’s way way too tall so maybe one day they’ll put out a nice tim figure that’s not like $50.

- couches for the basement ‘cause we’re getting rid of the ones we have. My mom thinks we don’t need to replace them if we have a couple chairs but it’s on the same level of importance as the futon, like why make a guest space when I cannot have guests?

- definitely thinking of upgrading to csp EX if only because it turns out animating is kind of fun and csp PRO has limited frames. I really like csp as a program so I’d like to stick with it. Getting EX on the tablet though might be easier because it’s a monthly subscription rather than a lump sum. Which I know is worse in the long term but sometimes it’s just what’s manageable? I don’t want to go back to adobe, though I can install cs5 if I have to. bought that disk 10 years ago and I’m gonna transfer it through computers until it burns out. but this desktop is shit and would die anyway.

the main thing I gotta get a control on is impulse spending. I can talk til I’m blue in the face about what things I need to spend less money on, but the fact is I have to master that ADHD impulse thing. I think my mom has gotten past her opinion that she needs to take financial control away from me because I’m a financial danger to myself or whatever, it will definitely help if the state of crisis would actually be allowed to dissipate. I’ve been on edge since october 2019 and I just need to figure out some stability. also loved ones need to stop dying and maybe life can start feeling normal. it’s very weaselly of me to blame my spending on high stress, but medication dug me into a hole last year and stress made it worse... I’m not vomiting anymore (knock on wood)

my sister who earns almost $40/hr was talking to my mom like ‘you don’t need to worry about us, you keep all that money for yourself’ and I, on disability living below the poverty line, wanted to scream. I had to talk to my mom about how she and my sister are getting hardcore financial support from their friends and family I am not. And they’re both starting head and shoulders above me, so maybe when the family sends money for the family can I have some. And now I feel like a total heel because my sister so nobly declined. it was absurd enough on christmas when my parents and sister were talking about all the friends that were either mad they couldn’t snowbird, or who went snowbirding despite covid. 90% of my friends make minimum wage, and maybe don’t even know me that well. I thought I was best friends with someone and they turned out to hate me so I have no idea how much anyone cares about me now, you know? But I guess some people can hang out almost every weekend for years and share secrets and stories and memories and vacations and not actually care about the people around them. So who knows. I don’t want to... let that make me care less. Everyone is carrying something and I want to be as kind as I can. But I think I will not be kind to that person unless something monumental happens. there are moments where her actions leave me so scared I want to die, that no one, not even the people I thought were ‘my people’ will love me. I rationalize “I should have realised she stopped responding to me weeks ago, I should have noticed she didn’t want my life updates. I should have noticed that in the time it went from ‘I don’t want to move if my dad’s still in the hospital’ to ‘we’re pretty sure it’s gonna be okay.’ to ‘I don’t know what’s going on and I’m very scared’ to ‘If my dad dies I don’t know if I can move’ to ‘maybe I’m just overreacting it just was really bad for a bit there’ she didn’t say a word of comfort or a question. She didn’t respond to my questions about the house and was resistant to giving me information about the rooms I was going to live in.” but she’s 32. We’re both 32. this isn’t two 14 year-olds who don’t know how to act like people with undeveloped brains and no skills yet in emotional development. A 32 year-old woman who can’t so much as follow up with any of those statements from a close friend is the one in the wrong. If there was a concern there was plenty of time to state it, and when she did finally state it there was no need for it to be ‘if I may be candid no one here wants to put up with your emotional behaviour’

It’s not normal or healthy behaviour to treat people like she treated me. And yeah she’s got her own problems and maybe she’s just emotionally stunted and too much of a coward to actually face consequences, but that doesn’t make what she did okay. She never apologised, rather than try to make things better she multiple times made it worse and then she left me stranded. I’m not a freak here. I’m not a monster. She’s probably unhealthy, but she was in the wrong. there’s no universe where helping your parents move is more difficult to handle than watching your father die of ALS. Even if she outed me as an accident, she did nothing to fix it, nothing to warn me, and nothing in apology afterwards. everyone makes mistakes but if you just let them fester then they stop being accidents and start being willful negligence (speaking of if you’re going to road rage in your school bus you should actually do your safety checks, even if it’s “too cold” I mean you are transporting children and you have been in more accidents in the time I’ve known you than anyone else I have ever known. But I mean it’s not your fault work is so strict with you that you were on your final warning for reckless behaviour. I mean everyone’s struggling, that’s why it’s you especially who keeps ending up in the ditch needing a tow and brag about your aggressive driving habits.)

[livinginfictions]

Stop it.

Stop. Stop it. Fucking knock it off.

Stop glorifying and romanticizing ADHD. Stop right the fuck now.

God, I remember we used to have to have a ton of conversations on tumblr about not romanticizing Depression, because everyone was like ‘sadness is happy for deep people’ ‘depressed people are more creative’ ‘depressed people are more in touch with their emotions’ ‘depressed people appreciate the good things more’

Which, first of all, no the fucking don’t, to any of that. I have adhd so no one should be surprised that i’m derailing my own post for a minute.

Sadness is not happy for deep people, i don’t know where people heard that but it’s bullshit. Sadness is sadness, and it’s awful. Depressed people aren’t more creative, creative people tend to be more depressed because of the stress their life puts on them. Often this is because ‘creative’ people tend to go into jobs in the arts, and that provides like zero job security, ergo, lots of creative people are fucking poor. And being poor can send someone into a depression. Depressed people are not more in touch with their emotions, all of their emotions are getting sucked out of them until all that’s left is an empty void and the only thing your body knows how to do anymore is cry. It’s horrific. Depressed people literally cannot appreciate good things more. That’s the whole fucking point of depression. A beautiful day means nothing when you’re depressed. Sweet treats and smiles on your friend’s faces area all dulled down with sandpaper until you are desperately grabbing at them and your hands just keep slipping off and you can’t understand how it feels for that situation to be good anymore.

Now it’s like everyone’s doing the same thing to ADHD. And they need to fucking stop.

Adhd is NOT a superpower. ADHD is NOT a gift. ADHD is NOT making me more creative.

Do you have any idea what this learning disorder has cost me? Any idea how much more creative and productive and happy could be if I weren’t ADHD?

Do you know how many kids with ADHD drop out of college? How much more likely I am to have gotten my Depression because I’m ADHD? My anxiety?

Hyperfocus is NOT a superpower. Yes, sometimes it helps me get things done, but it also means that i cannot make myself stop doing things when I want to. I will watch youtube videos for hours after I want to stop because...because. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that i’m still scrolling and it’s two in the morning and I want to cry because I want to go to bed, but i’m still scrolling and most of my brain is still interested, so I guess I’m still gonna do this.

Hyperfocus is: I forgot to eat today and now I might actually puke because i’m so nauseous. I forgot to feed my cat and she’s been jumping on the table for two hours to get my attention, but I keep responding on reflex without realizing what’s going on. I set four alarms to get me out of hyperfocus, and i don’t even remember turning them all off. I forgot to go to the bathroom and now that I finally realized I need to go, someone else is in it and i literally might piss my pants from having to wait. Hyperfocus is people getting mad at me for not listening because they stood in front of me and talked to me and to get them to stop bugging me to listen to them I told them I was, all while not listening because I’m still hyperfocused. Hyperfocus is getting so excited about talking that I completely ignore what the people around me are dealing with and follow them from room to room ranting about whatever’s on my mind at the moment and now they’re late for class because they didn’t want to tell me to stop talking because my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria leaves me in tears at the slightest unhappy comment and no matter how many times I promise them that it’s not their fault, no one wants to make their friend cry. I went to bed three hours ago, but because I didn’t write down what I was thinking about instead of going to bed, I haven’t been able to sleep and I’ve just been laying here with my white noise machine and doing my breathing exercises and somehow my head is still writing out that fanfiction idea and now it’s five am and i have to get up and write this or I’m never going to sleep. But once i sit down I have no concept of the movement of time and by the time I’m done the sun has been up for an hour and I have class in thirty minutes. Also, now that my hyperfocus is over, I”m never going to return to this fanfiction idea. Also, my perfectionism caused by the ADHD prevents me from even posting it in its half written state.

Hyperfocus is just as hellish as not being able to focus.

So much romanticism of ADHD comes from within the ADHD community, and I’m telling you I understand why you do it. I STILL want you to fucking stop.

There is a vast difference between not hating yourself for having ADHD, and trying so hard to make other people not hate you for having ADHD that you spread misinformation that neurotypical people use against us.

I’m 21 years old and have never been treated for my ADHD. I was diagnosed at the age of four, but since I developed severe depression and anxiety at the age of twelve, no doctor will treat my ADHD because they insist that my Depression and Anxiety must be treated first, or they promise me that the antidepressants they give me will help with all of it and it never does. I need specific ADHD medication, but in order to get that I have to get re-diagnosed because I was never treated and so it’s not actually in my records anymore.

The cause of this six month long hell since realizing that I was failing my classes in large part due to not being able to focus enough to get my homework done, which exacerbated my other disorders?

My mother believed that my ADHD was a gift. That it made me smarter. That it was a ‘superpower’. That it got me good grades. Why would she ever treat that? Why would she ever medicate a child who was getting perfect grades? Who had to be given extra homework in class because she finished her so quickly?

ADHD was so heavily romanticized, and the need for treatment so demonized, that I nearly dropped out of college. Do you know how fucked up it is to be able to say that I can usually handle my Major Depressive Disorder, that I can usually cope with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but that I can’t deal with a learning disability I was diagnosed with at the age of 4?

I spend hours every day looking up coping mechanisms for ADHD and cry at least once a day because everything tells me that medication helps, and I have no idea how much longer I have to wait to get it. I see all these stories about kids who don’t want to take their meds, and I struggle so hard between empathizing with their fear, and being so painfully jealous that they have medication to take.

So yes, teach people that if you have ADHD you can work with your strengths to be successful in life and to deal with the symptoms of the disability. DO NOT teach people that ADHD is a Strength. STOP IT. STOP. You are HURTING PEOPLE.

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

[glorifyingmyself]

What’s With These Mood Changes?

This isn’t a call for help or anything. This post is solely to see if there’s something that I can possibly ask for help with, in the sense of, shedding some light.

So when I say “What’s wrong with me?” in this post, I’m not saying it for pity, I’m saying it because there’s something there, and I’m not sure it’s solely ADHD IF it’s ADHD at all, anymore. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, but sometimes I wonder if there’s more than that, or it’s something different.

I got through these horrific episodes where I want to basically no longer be a living person, and where I give up. I come to this conclusion that I am never going to be something and that it feels like I am only meant to be here to fix other people. I start to feel really helpless and as if everyone I’ve ever considered a close or best friend solely needed me at the time, and I am no longer convenient enough for them. 

Sometimes I’m like maybe it’s the people, but I know it’s also me. I am soooo aware that I cannot be this person that counts and relies too heavily on other people. And it sucks, because I feel like if I say any of this to ANYBODY for that matter, people are going to get upset with me for voicing my opinions, so I feel stuck within my own thoughts.

But it’s soooo hard to move on from that. It’s so hard to move on from these thoughts, and then I isolate myself. Isolation is my coping mechanism, I will disappear from socials and will not hit up anybody whom I don’t talk to on a daily basis (in this case, my boyfriend only). And then I’ll get mad when people don’t check up on me. 

Something is TRULY wrong with me, and I don’t know how to GET OUT of this headset, and it’s super infuriating and also super stressful. I feel like I’m starting to rely on other people for my happiness, and I don’t want that, but I also don’t want to be alone... 

What a predicament. 

[babaleshy]

Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!