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[congradulations]

the beginning

I had my first week at work. There were high highs and low lows. Already. Somehow. 

I’ll start with the lows. It was exhausting. The workdays. They were so long. They were numbing. They were filled with tasks that, quite frankly, I don’t totally love doing. Some of these tasks are very confusing to me. Like data visualization. On Thursday, someone tried to teach me this data viz concept, and I nearly had a stroke. I felt like I was in math class in that I had no idea what was going on and was seconds away from bursting into tears in front of everyone. I’m pretty sure I got hives. I was morose for the rest of the day. I sobbed myself to sleep that night. So much pressure on my shoulders. So much fear for the future. 

But.

The high is that I’m pretty sure everyone loves me. Getting back into the swing of things, socially, was splendid. Now, I feel even more comfortable with my coworkers than I did during my internship. 

The absolute shining moment of my week occurred on Wednesday. I had told my coworkers that I wrote about them (with pseudonyms) for my grad program internship report, and they wanted to hear what I wrote. So I read the paragraphs. And they were immensely flattered. One of the managers decided to pay it back and sent the following to the Teams group chat (she even gave me a pseudonym): 

“Wendy, the brilliant and eager young intern, exudes enthusiasm and curiosity wherever she goes. Her intelligence is clear, quickly grasping complex concepts and always seeking new challenges to expand her knowledge. She maintains a positive attitude and fosters a supportive atmosphere, encouraging collaboration and uplifting the team. Diligent and approachable, she leaves a lasting impression on colleagues and clients alike. A beacon of potential and promise, Wendy’s journey has just begun, and the world eagerly anticipates the impact she will undoubtedly make.” 

While she might have forgotten that I am no longer an intern, this message meant the world to me. 

I’ve been so alone in my life. I’ve had to take care of myself since childhood. So my default assumption is that no one is looking out for me, especially in environments that aren’t primarily personal. This manager’s message made me feel like the whole company is looking after me. And now I know that even though I might get immensely confused and overwhelmed at times, my team values me, sees my potential, and will be there to help me through it all. 

And so I will end my blog at this very exciting Beginning. And continue on. And dive into this new phase with more support than I ever would have imagined. 

[congradulations]

getting ready

I start work tomorrow. 

I’ve had 3 weeks off. I’ve rested. I’ve overindulged. I’ve traveled. I’ve found a new crush. I’ve reconnected with old friends. I’ve laid by the pool five days in a row. I’ve finished reading a book. I’ve begun another one. I’ve done a number of things. 

One thing I have NOT done is thought about starting work. But I start tomorrow. So I should probably start thinking about it. 

Well, I guess I have thought about it. But not in a productive way. I’ve basically only worried. And when I catch myself worrying, I just try to daydream about something else to take my mind off of it. When family has inquired, I’ve replied “STOP STOP NOOO NOT TALKING ABOUT IT!” I’ve even occasionally referred to employment as the impending Winter of My Life. 

I know that I do all this worrying partially because imagining worst case scenarios perversely prepares me for things not to go my way. My anxiety feels like it’s protecting me. From disappointment, from exhaustion, from despair. From any feelings I’ll feel if I get fired. From any feelings I won’t be able to feel anymore if I become a mindless cog plugging away in the corporate machine. I’m primed for any worst case scenario. 

Of course, the anxiety also partly stems from the exact opposite idea: that I’m not prepared for any of these things to happen to me. That I’ll crumble under all of it and dissolve into the Earth, nourishing the soil with the gooey remnants of the humiliated failure that I will have become. But then the soil doesn’t like that. Soil doesn’t tend to like gooey things. And soil doesn’t like failure. No one does. So the soil rejects me. And I just become this weird puddle that doesn’t evaporate because, again, I’m too gooey. And too ridden with failure. So I’m stuck as a weird puddle forever. And that’s how people will remember me. A weird gooey puddle of failure. 

While that extended metaphor was neither useful nor artful, it does point to my immense fear of failure and rejection. Rejection from society for failing. That would feel really bad. 

I know society would not actually reject me. But I’m prone to feeling miserable and useless. So if anything goes awry at work, or if I somehow get fired, I know I would feel that way. And I’m scared to feel that way. So I worry. Because it’s hard to believe in myself. 

At the same time, though, I’ve always had faith in myself. Even if I occasionally lack belief in my ability to actually do the things that make life turn out great, I’ve always had faith that things will turn out great for me anyway. Because, thus far, they have. I have persevered through more horrible situations than any 24-year-old should have to face. And I have come out on top. On top of this heap of horrible situations. And I have accomplished amazing, amazing things. 

So, logically, I know I will likely succeed at my job. I’ll probably do quite well. I’ll probably figure things out. Everything, probably, will be fine. And as a mostly rational person, I've decided that’s the energy I’ll be taking into work tomorrow. 

[congradulations]

the end of an era

Well. I just got home from the last day of my internship. I started on January 10th. Today is July 6th. I feel like I've become a new person through this process. I also understand that that is a very dramatic thing to say about an internship.

It's hard to wrap my mind around it. I don't know if the feeling I'm experiencing right now is due to the passage of time or if the internship actually changed me. Regardless, I have three weeks off until I start full time there. And that's also pretty crazy. 

When looking back on my time in the internship, the biggest change I've noticed in myself is a more certain sense of confidence. Confidence in my skills, yes. Even over the past month I have grown far more sure of my preparedness to begin working full time than I was earlier in the year. But more obvious to me is the strengthened confidence I've come to feel while interacting with coworkers and, in turn, people in general. 

At the beginning of the internship, I was meek. I kept to myself. I barely socialized. I would have been incredibly shocked and exceedingly pleased if someone had told me then that my 6-months-in-the-future self would end up feeling like a real member of the team. 

A big factor in my progress in this area was going through a breakup in April. It happened right before I went from working 8 hours a week to over 20.

I'm great at spending time alone; I'm the kind of person who only really needs to socialize with one other person at a time. While I was still with my boyfriend, I put almost zero effort into socializing with my coworkers because I didn't feel like I needed to. The prospect of trying to become accepted by a group felt draining. I dreaded applying the social effort.

But when we broke up, that all changed. I decided to leave my shell. Which was fun. Because I have a pretty exuberant personality when I care to show it.

There are factors other than getting dumped that have led to my growing sense of social confidence, but regardless, the end result feels so gratifying. I feel so much more empowered to be social in other areas of life. I feel a lessened fear of rejection. I've rediscovered the pleasures of simply being friendly that I'd forgotten over the past four years of my life - years of immense self-isolation.

But I think I'm over that whole era now. And I'm incredibly excited and grateful to start my job feeling comfortable with and liked by my coworkers. Yay me.

[congradulations]

adhd at work

Being employed is something I have feared for a WHILE! Not just because the prospect of selling myself to capitalism until I’m 60 sounds like a nightmare. But because I have GNARLY ADHD, too. It’s god awful (AKA severe). And it’s the combined type; inattentive and hyperactive. 

I am completely reliant on ADHD meds to be successfully productive. If I want my brain to work, I’ve gotta take my meds, and this has been the case since 8th grade when I was finally diagnosed. 

Without my meds, sometimes, I literally cannot read. Without meds, sometimes, trying to understand a concept makes me physically nauseous and sweaty. I hate that I was born with (or traumatized into having) this broken brain of mine. 

I look at my coworkers… observing them and all their brilliance. They just wake up and are able to do their jobs. Able to read. Able to think. Able to sit still. Able to remain concentrated. Able to work, and work quickly. They’re like superheroes to me. 

I’m so deeply jealous of my coworkers. I’m deeply jealous of their brains. 

Thinking about it makes me cry. I’m sort of tearing up right now. And not just because my record player is playing my favorite aria from my favorite opera. 

I really am at such a disadvantage. And I’m scared I won’t be able to succeed at a full-time job. 

I managed to materialize two 4.0s in college and grad school, but that was because I absolutely tortured myself. And could also make my own schedule. I wasn’t sitting down, rushing through everything, from 9-6 every single day. Once my internship ends and job starts, those are the hours I’ll be working, and I just don’t know if I can do it.

First of all, I don’t know if I’ll be able to work fast enough. I’ve had extra time in school since first grade, way before my ADHD diagnosis, because my mental slowness was so apparent. But there are no extra time accommodations at work. I fear everyday will be a mad dash to get everything done, which will do wonders for my already cortisol-packed nervous system, I’m sure. I’m also afraid my brain will just short-circuit working 9 hours a day. That by the end of the day, my brain literally will not work. 

Monday last week, I had a particularly stressful assignment with a particularly stressful deadline. On my commute home, I was a zombie. A zombie who was crying. A zombie who would then be thrown into a week of digestive issues due to the stress of one seemingly normal day at the office. And ABRIDGED one, at that. I’m not even full-time yet.

Is this what awaits me? 

I feel particularly alone in this struggle. If anyone happens to be reading this, and understands, message me. 

Regardless, I’m just going to do my best, I guess. What else can I do? Yayyyyy. The end. 

[congradulations]

social anxiety, at work

Social anxiety in the workplace. Zoinks. It’s so much weirder than regular social anxiety. It’s social anxiety with stakes. 

I have social anxiety. It was the first mental issue I was diagnosed with. The first of many! I was diagnosed with social anxiety before I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, which was before I was diagnosed with ADHD - which, to me, is more obvious in my personality than both of the anxieties. But maybe that’s because I tend to avoid people because I find talking to most of them annoying and pointless and stressful. Anyway. 

Social anxiety in the workplace is not manifesting for me in the ways that other experiences of social anxiety have. In other phases of my life, I’ve been too scared to talk to people, nervous about what to say, nervous to go to events or places alone. 

It’s different now. Maybe that’s because I’m comparing my middle school experiences of social anxiety to 24-year-old experiences of social anxiety. 

Where I stand today, I have been a loner for about four years. It’s been great. There are major perks to being a social recluse. Like I don’t have to make dumb conversation or waste energy talking to people I don’t want to talk to. I have become far more in touch with myself. I have cared less about what people think about me (maybe…). I eat at restaurants alone all the time. 

I still get anxious about one-on-one conversations I might have to have with people, but that doesn’t happen too often in the workplace. And in the workplace, I’m not really nervous about speaking up. Actually, it excites me. Once I decided to make the effort to talk to my coworkers in April after my boyfriend and I broke up, I never looked back. Participating in group conversations with people on my research team is fun. Several of them have told me I should be a comedian. I just say whatever I want without thinking about it too much. 

Of course, I do brag occasionally. And I want people to know about me. Other than that, I don’t really have an agenda. Besides making people like me. But with this group of people, I don’t have to try that hard for people to like me. As it turns out, I have a good personality. Who knew? (Genuinely, not me; I’m very insecure about that). 

The social anxiety I experience at work, mostly, does not actually happen AT work. It’s after. It’s every moment (nearly) that I’m not at work. I think about every social interaction to a heinous degree. Overthinking does not adequately describe what I do. My work interactions - from amazing to good to meh to bad - take up so much of my brain space. I just replay events, over and over and over, assessing how they went - as if thinking about them could actually accomplish anything. 

With people at my grad program, I did not do this. Possibly because I did not care what they thought of me because it did not matter as I was not trying to make friends (I was also not NOT trying to make friends; I just didn’t feel like putting in effort). Possibly because I was so miserable for most of it that my brain was occupied with things that did not include impressing people. I don’t know. But now, at work, I definitely care about impressing people. Because I need to. If I want to last at the company. Since it’s such a small environment. 

But another potential reason I care about how I am at work feels unnatural to admit: I feel comfortable with my coworkers now (to a degree), and I enjoy them, and it would hurt my feelings if they did not enjoy me back.

With my particular personality, I have never totally felt like part of a group. I have felt like something of an outsider my whole life. Not in a geek pushed into a locker way. But in a ‘I am too many things, most of them strange, to be accepted by one group’ way. But these people somehow don’t make me feel like a total outsider. And I’m scared that that won’t be true one day. 

[congradulations]

moving

I am MOVING THIS WEEK! To escape the diverse, thriving ecosystem of insects in my current basement apartment. I have suffered 10 months too long.

Everything is expensive. Why is rent so expensive. Why is DC so expensive. I know there are answers, but I don't understand the economy. Nor do I care to.

Anyway, living in a studio is basically my only option. And I'm fine with it. I'd rather do almost anything than have a roommate.

Maybe I'll get a cat. Maybe I'll name it Bugspray. TBD.

I'm a busy lady so that's it for this week. Will I come to you next week with thoughts that are actually profound? Who's to say. But we can hope.

[congradulations]

nepo baby

There’s a big ole cultural convo about nepotism right now. The nepo baby zeitgeist. Re: that one New York Magazine cover. A lot of this moment probably started with Gen Z being all “attack privilege” and “overthrow stuff, including rich people.” Which is good. The world needs it. The world doesn’t need the elite to continue taking up spots that could go to other, more qualified people. 

I am going to make this about myself now. 

I am something of a nepo baby. My grandpa was a senator for a while and even ran for VP (and almost won). He also ran for president (and did not almost win). 

I have never wanted to be a politician or work anywhere near politics, which might explain why the whole grandpa being a senator status didn’t get me anywhere for most of my life. My own skills did. And I’ve got lots of skills. Cuz I’m real smart. 

But here I am, nearly done with grad school, entering the job market. And nepotism has finally paid off. My grandpa is on a board for some political organization, and that organization is a client of a research firm that just hired me. I’ve been an intern there for nearly 6 months, and I start full-time in August. 

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I did the logical thing and used my connections to get somewhere. Plus I’m genetically 25% senator, which, I think, should instill confidence in my team that I have innate intelligence and leadership capabilities. And I have two 4.0s on my resume for god’s sake. Along with a slew of internships. 

On the other hand, all of my coworkers were hired solely on their merits. I don’t want them to think less of me. I don’t want them to merely tolerate my presence. I want them to respect me and see me as their equal. But can they? Can they really? Even if I’m a capable person, all on my own? Can they separate the two? 

I think I’m so caught up on it because I don’t know if even I can do what I hope they do. I don’t know if I can separate myself as a qualified individual from my identity as the granddaughter of a senator. Because I don’t think I would have been hired if I didn’t have that second identity. Yes, I’m smart. But I’m not trained in social science as much as my future coworkers are. I don’t have as strong a subject knowledge as they do. If I were them, I wouldn’t respect me. Because logically, I don’t respect me. 

I think it’s going to be hard to step into my new role with real confidence. I’m not used to feeling unconfident. And I’m scared that I won’t be enough. 

Usually I like to be snarky and make light of things. But I’m genuinely sad/stressed about this. So I don’t know how to make this funny. I guess I’ll just have to suck it up. 

—

Wait jk lol I wrote that when I was in a bad mood yesterday. I think it’ll be fine. 

[congradulations]

jobs

Finding a job sucks. We know this. We have known this for a long time. But I feel like it’s especially dreadful these days. 

Every generation makes claims about their specific and unique struggles. Everyone, struggling so uniquely. Generations always insist they have it worse than the last in some way. 

The way I have set up this phenomenon just now might suggest that I am going to argue against it in some way, because it is annoying. But nay nay. It is annoying, yet so am I. Thus, I will contribute. I am going to make the argument that one of Gen Z’s specific struggles is and will continue to be FINDING JOBS! :)  

In some ways, Millenials and Gen Z share this struggle. Yes, there have been massive improvements in the diversification of the hiring pool. One of my qualms is that we can’t really just call up a company and ask for an interview, which is the strategy recommended by all the old people in our lives. Instead, the employment process has moved online almost entirely. While this shift makes it easier to find job applications, it makes it harder to actually get a job. I’ve seen LinkedIn job posts receive over 200 applicants within an hour of being posted. The most popular job site is rendered useless to me for this reason. The internet is also packed with inactive or expired job posts that provide no indication of being either, so we waste even more time.

Another point of commiseration is that members of both generations have entered and are entering the job market during periods of significant economic decline. Namely, two recessions. (I know nothing about the economy, but that won’t stop me from talking about it.) Also, we are more educated and qualified than previous generations, which means that standards for getting hired are more strict, and sometimes, impossible for many potential applicants. For example, most job openings advertised as “entry-level” require at least two years of professional experience. There just aren’t enough jobs for us.

AI is a technological entity of concern in the Millenial and Gen Z quest to find jobs. We’ve all heard about it. This zesty hot topic. ChatGPT is going to replace us, especially those of us with wordier skillsets. Humanists will be knocked down a peg further on the rung of hire-ability. STEM, in all its glory, will squash us. But here is where Millenials have a leg up on Gen Z. Many millenials will have already attained a high enough level of seniority to ensure job security by the time AI really starts taking over the world. Even if they get laid off, they can find positions that require experienced professionals elsewhere. I predict that the more menial, entry-level types of jobs historically meant for younger professionals will be the ones overtaken by AI, making the task of finding a decent paying entry-level job all the more difficult. And annoying and awful and exasperating. While my musings might be dystopian, they might also be possible. 

I’ve certainly begun to feel the stressful effects of whatever is happening in the career ecosystem. I cannot overstate the severity of my anxiety over finding a job just a couple of months ago. While my mental health baseline is not necessarily stable, my job search anxiety was at another level. It was kind of derailing my life, the impossibility of it all. These feelings were only quelled by an increased anxiety medicine prescription and the hope of my family connections paying off for once (more on that next week). Other job hunters are experiencing this difficulty, too:  

I have no solutions. Just complaints. So basically, I’m here to complain. I’m complaining. It’s what I do best. 

Thank you. The end. 

[congradulations]

welcome

Well, here I am. Blogging. On my blog! For my capstone! But also for my own creative expression. Sweet. 

A bit about me. I am hideously close to finishing my masters degree and being released to the wild terrain that is (hopefully) employed adulthood. Also I’m a girl. And I’m 24. Realistically, I feel more like I’m 9. 

I will not tell you my name because I wanna say whatever I want (I don’t plan on saying anything crazy, but anything could happen). Most of the time I’ll just be talking about my life and my issues and young adulthood. Maybe you, the reader, will be able to relate. Maybe you won’t. How would I know? Ultimately, though, I just want to speak my truth, which is something everyone can relate to. I hope. 

I’ll probably post once a week. But if I don’t, you can’t get mad at me because this is my blog. Sooooooo. Strap in (and feel free to submit questions)!