#i can just use them then ig…..probably………..maybe…..
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i’ve been hoarding all of my sanctifying artifact enhancement things for a while now specifically so i could level up furina’s artifacts with them but i completely forgot and just rolled half of hers without using them at all🙃
#genshin impact#luckily (?) i dont think i’ll stick with many of the ones i’m leveling so far😪#since my rolls are being absolute garbage rip#so more for whenever i get back to farming for her (new wanderer artifacts PLS come here already im BEGGING)#i can just use them then ig…..probably………..maybe…..#i love hoarding and hate using things#was lamenting to a friend the other day that my fragile resin count was down to the 40s after all my unexpected anemo luck#and she was SO jealous because she uses all of hers as soon as she gets it apparently lol#could never i hate being out of Stuff™️#gotta build my hoard back up though it used to be in the 70s😞
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Complaining abt Suicide Squad yet again but the fact that they have Waller exposing the alien community to space racist attacks and talking abt how she got to her position through deceit and being a terrible person and stuff is just. Ahsfiwueh JUST SAY YOU DONT KNOW WALLER.
Anyways literally the 3rd mission of the Squad ever (and the first framed as smth Waller picked and not orders from above) was the Squad discrediting and stopping a rogue vigilante who was only arresting POC and funneling white people into white supremacy groups (of which he was the most prominent member) in SUICIDE SQUAD #4. and it's explicitly framed as this mission being personal for Waller that she's hiding from the government bc its illegal like. Guys. Please why are we having her incite (space bc comics) racist attacks now
Also the whole "Amanda got her position through deceit and being a terrible person" NO. she KEPT her position through being shitty and playing complicated political games!!! She wasn't always that way like there is a difference and it is IMPORTANT ppl PLEASEEEE. In Secret Origins #14 we learn Amanda's backstory and she used to be a normal, caring person! Like even after she entered into working in government and politics she wasn't automatically morally bankrupt like please people. She was originally given control of the Squad by Reagan (*sigh* 80s comics...) to distract and get rid of her because she was so successful at pushing progressive social policy in Congress. Acting like she's this static pillar of evil is such a waste of her character and so fucking uninteresting and disrespectful to her arc it drives me MAD.
Like I am NOT saying Waller is all sunshine and rainbows, she fucking SUCKS (said w love <3) but like there's a human being there. It's a progression, she has a character arc like please, DC, please!!! They've fucked up Waller so bad and made her so opaque and uninteresting she can't even be the protagonist of her own story for fucks sake!
Like I don't know how many times I have to scream it until DC hears me or remembers but WALLER IS THE MAIN CHARACTER OF SUICIDE SQUAD. ITS HER BOOK. yet right now she's a cutout to be used as the villain wherever the writers please. Even in her book we get none of her perspective really displayed, no exploration of her thoughts with any kind of understanding of the role she traditionally has played and was made to play in the story.
#its like youre unable to root for her in any form. which is annoying bc shes actually awesome actually#also having her say “actually im the good guy fuck you'' w/o any actual deep analysis of her psyche or whatever while doing these things#doesnt count as development or showing shes 3 dimensional. its just having 2 dimensional waller say shes right when everyone is obviously#supposed to believe shes wrong#anyways i want real waller back please i miss herrrrrrrr#anyways hope mr john ridley has read secret origins no 14. i know its from 1987 but please guys please. my only hope#also it was a few months ago but i think they tried to push certain elements of a diff backstory in dream team and sorry but fuck that. and#any mention of another waller background like my eyes are closed sry. im a preboot truther#actually im just ignorant of most squad comics outside the original series. im gonna do a readthrough and become knowledgeable on other#stuff i just need to find time. so if im wrong then sorry if its smth factual and if you disagree with my opinion then uh sorry for ur loss#anyways shoutout to the time i had a nerd night w my one friend and she was asking me abt dc and said my favorite villains and i said waller#and silver swan. and she had a “yuck WHY” to waller and a ???? to silver swan. love shouting out my faves and explaining them to the less#informed. didnt say a number 3 but would probably be parallax ig. idk hes kind of slay. or maybe someone else honestly i like hal but waller#and nessie are blorbo level for me i could think abt them for hours#or maybe it wouldnt be parallax actually idk who my 3 would be. hes definitely up there but way below the other 2. maybe the cheetah#interpretation that i personally have. v different from the popular cheetah interpretation esp rucka vers actually. much closer to the pérez#and esp develops some subtext there surrounding barbara and the exploitation and theft of sacred cultural artifacts and pieces but also#like british colonization a lil bit#but i actually despise the cheetah that lives in my head but think shed be interesting to use narratively and see diana fight#vs the other guys who i find interesting and sympathetic and like for themselves#whereas my fave interpretation of cheetah can rot in hell#i got off topic here#blah#swishy rant#also disclaimer that w the main character ik dreamer is the main character of dream team. im talking more in general and that amanda should#always have a huge role as shes the main character of the squad and yet is treated like its villain and not its protag#sui sq
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enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.
gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.
and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.
like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.
did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.
#thinking about it from my durge's perspective hurts kinda#because losing their memory is the only thing that freed them enough to trust the people around them#and after meeting gortash and learning their history - and how they used to be friends#they probably thought a lot about how things could have been different if there wasnt a literal elder brain under his enslavement#like man if you werent actively in the way of saving the literal world maybe we could have talked about this#if i can overcome a lifetime of senseless slaughter and learn to love i wonder if you can too#but we'll never know#bg3#baldurs gate 3#the dark urge#enver gortash#im sure someone has talked about this already but ive just been thinking about it a lot ig#the what-if-ness of it all#long post#pin talks#bg3 gortash
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paradox live phone charm tier list that absolutely no one asked for 👍🏾
#paradox live#paralive#not tagging all these characters. god bless#anw. there were a few that i was stuck on. mainly ryu bc first of. does. does he even have a phone. like did i miss that....#i do at least think he is a phone charm guy#other characters i was stuck on was saimon bc i think he would like. actually have one if like say shiki gave him one to match i think. i-#-just cant really see shiki buying one for himself? at least not at this point in canon. can see him matching w nayuta tho#i think nayuta would buy a couple. matching snake ones for him and kanata maybe#oh. i just thought about lollipop universe matching ones. so yea ryu could also be in the matching charm tier too....#also i do think kantarou has more than reo. reo has them bc they're fun. kantarou has them bc they're fun but also bc he has a complex abt#seeming cute. he coule use his phone like a warhammer. beat smone to death w it#1nm8 has matching ones bc rokuta likes them and itsuki and kei cant say no 👍🏾 rokuta tbh would probably break a phone but thats not the#point here#also kinda fuzzy on gklk bc. i am not a gklk guy i will admit that so my grudge might've clouded my judgement#ah whatever its my post. enjoy ig<3
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up ���♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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when it's been so long since you've read a fic that you forget about it and you find it in the search tags and start reading it again
and it's great, if a little familiar, but you've read a lot of these sorts of fics bc you like this tag a lot, so you assume it's nothing
but then the deja vu starts adding up and you start to wonder
and then moments before the great big Plot Twist Reveal happens you're suddenly like ah hell this is the bloody sundial fic again isn't it
smh this has to be the fourth time yet
#not that I don't love that fic bc I do#but also this is quite funny to me#have I made this post already? I don't remember#mdzs fic#time travel fix it#I love that tag#iceberg tags under see all#bc sm of the fandoms I'm in have such messed-up backstories that it works#it's funny. like for the media that doesn't have as dark backstories ttfi doesn't really make sense (although time loop might!!)#mdzs and st go perfectly with it as does hp (ew)#pjo not as much bc the big bad stuff (for the most part) happens much further down the line in canon than in the first few chapters#like. b99 and idk descendants of the sun or haikyuu wouldn't really work#ik it doesn't HAVE TO but I've also noticed this trend where ttfi is more common in fandoms where it's somehow plausible by the magic syste#haikyuu just does not have that magic system lol (for example)#whereas jjk? maybe. aot? probably not physically/magically but it's got such a messy timeline that at this point why not honestly#tbf the second time I read that fic I did get legitimately surprised by the plot twist#pjo#percy jackson#stranger things#atla? maybe. like it would be weird but still sorta plausible using spirit shenanigans#hp and mdzs by way of their 'hard' magic system side - wards/arrays and the like#pjo by the gods ig?? so kinda like atla with the deus ex machina and not exactly soft nor hard side of their magic systems#cinematic universes? depends but for the marvel ones it's plausible for studio ghibli idek man for kpop music videos sometimes.#not tagging hp lol#terfs dni#like literally if you've made it this far down my notes already if you're a TERF please just fuck off or block me or smth#anyway anyone know about monsta x?#they have time travel literally baked into their concept so I bet there's time travel fix it tropes over in that fandom#I don't really touch rpf these days so idk#if you have any good recs you can argue for I'd be willing to try them ig?
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Im in such an obey me mood today haha
other than "pls dont tell asmo about that",,,, i have questions about these freaking vegetables
(im putting under the cut since im talking about food and bad eating habits/diet related stuff)
im assuming they would have to be mixed with other regular ingredients to prevent the hunger but it sounds like ppl would use them as the main component in a dish or just eat them by themselves
So does all of it get digested? No leftovers (waste) comes out the other end im guessing? is it like a magic type thing?? it has to be right? Cause if not...ur body will take the calories needed to replace the ones burnt, take the nutrients, and the rest will just get tossed out
And since it doesnt make you full, like wouldnt it be way too easy to overeat this type of thing? so you could accidentally end up making urself go to the restroom more often :/
Ig if it gives u the nutrients u need that itll be useful then. So maybe its a 'heres ur macros for the day' type dealo? but u still have to go eat an actual meal or make sure u mix it with other stuff tho
#ik its just a silly joke type text but i do like to take these things and overthink them and apply them to real life#its just interesting to me cause ik the answers will never come so its like a brain exercise or something#eating disorder tw#just to be safe#but yea..................#im gonna just go off in the tags cause im just wondering about when this would be useful cause regular veggies are the better choice to me#ig that could be useful in a very specific circumstance where you went over calories but still need certain macros..but like...its veggies#going over for some for veggies isnt that big a deal imo but if ur mostly concerned with deficit then ud cut anywhere u can...#u could also like use it to lessen the calories in the dish overall and maybe add more of the ingredients u actually like#tho i feel like it would not remove that many calories in the first place#and ud probably wouldnt even get to add that much more of what u actually want in comparison#and then...ur gonna be hungry cause u took away a big volume of the food which was the regular vegetables#but for me when im making food the last thing im worried about in my dish is the freaking vegetables#im trying to add more veggies and less of everything else ._.#i feel like this would make more sense if it was like a sugary treat#especially if this is supposed to be a thing that helps with cravings#u get to eat and enjoy the thing without consequence (for the most part) while eating a more restrictive diet#tho it would probably be even more dangerous than the veggies when it comes to overeating...#idk how the demon biology works but it seems about the same to humans but just more durable#and with asmos eating habits...i can already see in my minds eye whats gonna go down#it just seems like a bad idea all around to tell him about this!#obey me nightbringer
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dust has definitely killed killer before fighting over papyrus's scarf. killer and dust both have opposing views on papyrus's scarf. killer doesnt like seeing others wear it and (SHUT UP I KNOW ITS NOT CANON!!!!) dust wears it in papyrus's honor and probably for self comfort. killer even ripping a thread on the scarf warrants dust to break his hand (because killer has his silly little backstory where he did the genos and everything hes wayyy more violent towards him than horror bc horror didn't kill everyone (HYPOCRITE!!! HYPOCRITE!!!!)) anyways when killer touches dust's scarf is one of probably the few times he can't win a fight against him
perchance i think dust should get to tear apart killer's soul right infront of his eyes while he screams in pain and dust gives him the coldest look ever to exist (and horror was watching with popcorn :3)
#dont worry killer has checkpoints!#is the process of dying and having to load something killer would avoid#because i dont assume it would? like killer already doesn't give two shits about the pain that fighting would give#i'm sure if he knew that dust was absolutely 500% not gonna give him a chance to win he'd try to back out of the fight somehow#probably by trying to restrain dust or wear him out because dust is genuinely that furious and killer KNOWS he cant win#killer may have 9999 whatever bullshit LV but screw that i wanna put them all on the same power level for fun!#sadly killer will not get out of this one so easily. and then dust manages to turn him into nothing but a bleeding black mess#it is GOREY and MESSY horror is able to watch it straight faced because he's used to gore#i dont think killer would like to die unnecessarily because like. who would ngl. killer's fucked up but not THAT fucked up#but he's already careless with his life anyways so why would he be afraid of death if he can just come back#now im imagining killer letting horror and dust kill him whenever he feels like shit#or when they just need to let some anger out or whatever :3 true love ig idk#horrordust piecing together killer's dismembered and disfigured body like a puzzle :3#where can killer summon save points and that shit anyways??? is it only in smth new??? idk whatever its everywhere in this one ig#anyways i dont think mtt would EVER reach that state of closeness unless its been like 8 years#and they somehow managed not to kill themselves and eachother in the processes idk#oooohhh i reaaaally like the idea of killer letting horrordust kill him#itd be rare that they actually manage to get him off guard and kill him legitimately#but maybe he does it to get their hopes up or smth. when theyre fighting and he wants to toy with them#they know killer will come back. but they still brutalize him and go all out just to hear that beautiful crack#killer's most beautiful when his face is bashed open in horror's eye ❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙#dust would prefer it when killer's legs are broken because then he cant run 💜💙💜💙💜💙#least violent mtt interaction#triglycercule this is a bit VIOLENT??? i know i'm concerned too#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv
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We <3 hearing things
#i swear I am hearing stuff#it might be because this is an old house and those make noises sometimes#but maybe there's something#and maybe there's nothing at all and I'm imagining this#i think I'll clean my room sometime the next days....#it's overdue anyways there's this one corner where i haven't looked at in like two years out of fear what might linger in those depths#my room is a nightmare for people with dust allergies#carpet everywhwre last time i dusted off was too long ago to remember#there's some mold on my windows because i used to rarely open them#that was before I noticed that fresh air is really nice actually and i like breathing good#my couch creaks too and I know my heater sometimws makes strange noises#the boiler from my floors bathroom got the verdict “out of date and should probably be replaced''#it works well but now I'm a tad scared of it exploding#or giving me carbon monoxide poisoning#We're paranoid like that ig thats in up here nowadays#god I really should deepclean this thing sometime#by couch too i sleep on it every day so I seldom get the chance to really do something there#because. like. i kinda need that thing#but I vacuumed and where was a lot of dust#why do I live in filth I even try to keep it somewhat alright#sigh I'll just do what I can do for today and chamge my bedsheets#we'll see about the rest when we get there
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Man oni can't do this to me I'm supposed to be preparing for artfight but all I can think abt is Them™ from the second I wake up to the moment I go to bed how am I supposed to prepare in these circumstances 😔
#rat rambles#oni posting#and dude the beta is probably still going to be going during that time klei how could you do this to me#like I will still be participating in artfight but I fear Ill be on oni lockdown for the first week or smth dhskdhkdh#Ill try to at least sketch some stuff out but god if I can get my hands onto any amount of lore its so jover#now thats not a guarantee this is a beta after all but god man. fuck.#also I need to know the new dupes name right now its important#mostly because I want confirmation that I got z on the cypher right lol#chances are theyll just have another a name or smth#who knows maybe theyll have a w name and be the second ever contender for being sent to the constant#although for all we know there could be plenty more w names in the cast that are just hidden in the full names like with nails#I am in such agony rn with seemingly every place ppl post abt oni being dead silent still hello is anyone there#I thought Id at least see some more speculative stuff on the gameplay side of things but Ive seen like 2 things where ppl even bring it up#tbf some of the new stuff seems pretty obvious to deduce to me like there's no way the new fox deers dont produce lumber#and we already know the bunny guys (or the big one at least) provides reed fiber at least#the plants are mostly more mysterious tho#we have the obvious one being our new bestie the oxylite plant and the lil puffball tree thats probably the new decor plant#and the crystal grapes are probably going to be a new muckroot equivalent and at least one of the new plants probably produces smth edible#as for what recourses they need we know that at least 2 of them need watered in some way#Im currently betting theyll need ethanol but thats not based on a lot#honestly if any of them use plain ol water or even any water variants Ill be surprised#I wouldn't be surprised if most of them take ethanol or some liquid gas or smth#I still am holding out on a plant that consumed liquid carbon dioxide but Im not too hopeful#one thing Im very curious on is just everything abt how the oxylite plant grows I wanna know how good itll be so bad#because I am a proud member of the desperately wants more viable oxygen production option in oni gang and I wanna see this baby flourish#but based on how seemingly abundant it is Im afraid itll just join the squad of early game oxygen options that become too much of a hassle#to sustain late game so you're usually just going to switch to exlectroliszers each time#I hope Im wrong but I wont be surprised if Im not#they already took one oxygen plant out back and shot it dead so this guy might just be a corpse on arival if we're unlucky#well hey thats why there's a beta ig gotta make sure things are balanced or whatever
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I'm gonna die one day oh my god holy shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck there's no afterlife oh holy shit fuck help oh my god no no no no no
#tw death#sorry I'm having bad thoughts at night again#BUT HOLY FUCK I'M GONNA DIE ONE DAY I'M SO FUCKING SCARED BECAUSE THERE'LL BE NOTHING#IT'S FUCKING INEVITABLE FUCK#ahh im having a panic attack again god damnit#tw caps#if i had a different personality i would probably be seeking religion as a way to stop these damn panic attacks#but i don't have any faith in me at all#my brain is too science/logical focussed to believe in a god/gods#so I'll just have to deal with it ig#until it actually happens#or go to therapy at some point#if i can afford it#but god do i need it#this is my punishment for writing another chapter of a&tsp instead of sleeping#it's 00:43 rn#my cat's on me#I've got family guy the video game speedrun on tv#but i am mortal#I've been dealing with this for 3 years now ntw#since i was 14#i remember i had a panic attack when watching squid game because#watching them drop like flies like that really got to me fsr#ig the msot comforting thing about it is that it'll literally happen to everyone ever#so no matter what happens I'm not alone in any way shape or form#sorry if it sounds morbid and maybe selfish that I'm comforting myself using the knowledge of the inevitable deaths of other people#but we are all equal in death ig#like that one quote#who said that
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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anyways tired of this mean spirited ass website
#maybe im the only trans person who actually hates being reminded of my anatomy idk#its fine if a trans girl says 'you just want a penis!!' but if i say the same thing but w vagina im sure i'd get a million ppl yelling at m#hmmst.#i kinna just think we let ppl slide by w that shit toward transmascs too much. everyone else can be transphobic#towards us directly or even indirectly but if i inched anywhere near the same shit yall say suddenly its an issue#its the same shit w the fucking theyfab shit. doesnt matter if it negatively effects transmascs to some ppl at all apparently#but if i start goin around calling people femmab we'd prolly have issues huh?#can we explain this? are we just doing the whole reversing gender roles to feel woke and Not transphobic#bc its not any better just saying trans girls are the uwu ones who need to be protected and you cant make them cry instead of having that#thrust upon us- ya dont just get to reverse them and act like you're Doing something#anyways you dont get to protect trans girls from any perceived harm and then leave trans guys in the dust sorry idc#fuck off and die ig idk. or be better.#and no- obligatory: im not saying trans women oppress trans men.#if me critiquing your actions = me saying you're 'oppressing me' every time then you're#probably an insufferable person to be around anyways. but assuming good faith from some of the ppl possibly reading this#and whom i wish would assume good faith on my part as well- i do think we let trans women get away w shit that if trans men#did the same shit in reverse everyone would get in a pissy fit about it#and i dont think the solution is to let us do it too i think the solution is some of yall need to check yourselves and internalize the whol#'would you like it if someone said that to you' shit and changing things where it applies like. would you like it if i said to you that#'you just want a vagina'? probably the fuck not! so maybe fuckin check yourself and you wont lose transmasc friends.
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Bass players are so cool and sexy <333
#(its me im the bass player)#i dont know why but i have like absolutely jumped into the whole Bass Player persona out of the blue and its a little funny#probably bc ive wanted to play for like 2 years#but like i mean i named my bass today#and i keep mentally referring to my bass with she/her pronouns like im a pirate and she/it's a boat#but like omg seriously my bass is so pretttyyy and she sounds so niceeee and like!!! i love it!!!#i also realized today that i never named my acoustic guitar#which ive had for like 3 years#and yeah. that's pretty rough for my acoustic ig. i still cant think of a name for it. like. lucas maybe. idk.#actually thats a lie i havent named my bass yet bc i cant decide#but im between some lux/luc- stem name bc its white (in which case im not naming my acoustic lucas) or esmerelda#just the vibes#dante dicit#after 10 tags can i still use them to search my own blog ugh#the main reason i tag is so i can find posts i make later#rip#bass#guitar#bassist
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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