#i believe a summer full of random realization helped

[coming-of-age-witch]

(click clack click) so something happened today, and had it happened a few months or like half a year ago i'd have gone maaaad maad, anything happening like this got me insane. but now, i'm chill, chill in the sense, i know i am not getting screwed up over it, but i dont know exactly how to react except i know i wont react the way i did at earlier instances. I CAN FEEL MY HEAD BEING A MUDDY DITCH like there's not a single (not 1) thought properly occuring regarding this thing. previously this same shit would have made make me moody and effect my studies??? but looks like i learnt a bit or too, pleasant.

[mca-attack21]

First Kiss (Jeremiah x Reader)

You could not believe that you guys were all playing truth or dare. It felt a little middle school level to you, but you wouldn’t complain. This was the best day that the group had had in a long time and with everything that was going on with the house, it was refreshing. 

“Y/n, truth or dare?” Taylor asked. 

“Truth,” you answered knowing that with Taylor, it was probably the safer choice. 

“Hmm, who was your first kiss?”

“I -uh- I actually haven’t had my first kiss yet,” you answered. It wasn’t something that you were ashamed of. You were not the kind of girl that needed to kiss a bunch of guys before settling down. As far as you were concerned, there was only one ocean eyed, curly haired boy that you wanted to kiss and you were willing to wait.

“Really?” Belly asked, clearly surprised. 

“Yeah, well the right opportunity hasn’t presented itself.”

The rounds moved on, everyone was laughing, having a good time. And then you were up again, this time Conrad was the one who asked, “Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” you decided. 

“I dare you to kiss Jeremiah.” 

Conrad probably thought that he was helping you, since you had earlier told him you had a crush on Jeremiah. Well, crush wasn’t quite the right word. You were pretty sure that your heart beat for Jeremiah Fisher. You honestly can’t remember a time when you didn’t have feelings for him. 

“Come on Y/n!” Taylor whooped.

You glanced up at him, cheeks no doubt cherry red.  He smiled back at you. Of course he would be down for this, he was no stranger to kissing people. It wouldn’t mean anything to him, and that would devastated you. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to kiss Jeremiah, you had wanted to more than anything, just not like this. Besides, you weren’t sure if he was over Belly or not, last summer was messy. 

“What are you waiting for?” Steven asked. 

Seeing you hesitate, Conrad apologized, “That was stupid, I can come up with something better-”

“I actually think I’m done playing,” you decide, “You guys can keep going, I’m going to take a walk.” You missed the hurt look that crossed Jeremiah’s face. 

You walked away from the group, but before you got very far a familiar voice stopped you in you tracks, “Do you think I have bad breath or something?” Jeremiah joked. 

“Jere, I didn’t mean to offend you,” you said, “I’m sure you’re a great kisser.”

“Oh I am, I have references.” He smiled, stepping closer and taking your arms in his. He searched your eyes and you felt like you might melt.

“I just didn’t want to do it like that,” you admitted, “I don’t want a random kiss even if it’s from an incredible guy. I want it to be from someone who actually wants to kiss me. You know?” you say quietly. 

You couldn’t ignore how he was looking at you, it was different. And the two of you were so close together. 

“I’m the one who came up with the idea of daring you to kiss me,” Jeremiah admitted. 

“What? Why?”

“Because I have wanted to kiss you since you got here. But I could never find the right time. So I thought the game might be the perfect excuse.”

“Jeremiah-”

“I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that the perfect girl was right in front of me all along. I want this Y/n,” he gestured in between the two of you, “I want to hold your hand, and dance with you in the kitchen, and take you on dates, I want all of it. If this past year has taught me anything, it's that life is short and unpredictable. And I don’t want to waste any more time.”

He waited for you to respond, but your mind was racing. The butterflies in your stomach felt like they were on crack. Your brain seemed to forget how to form words. So instead, you reached up to his cheek and pulled him into a kiss. It was a small kiss, you started to pull away for an instant, but Jeremiah picked you up and kissed you full force. It was both everything you imagined it would be and more. When he finally pulled away, you were left unable to open your eyes for a few seconds.

"That was-" you couldn't decide on a word. incredible? Stunning? Life altering? Better than anything you ever could have imagined?

"Dangerous" Jeremiah decided for you, "I don't know how I'm ever supposed to stop kissing you."

You both broke out in laughter.

[hard-core-super-star]

Random thought popped into my head but it's about vampire Kate x reader. What if reader was a witch of some sort who got her heart broken because Kate is an fboy and became terrified and left when she realized how much she loved the reader but came crawling back a year later because she needed reader's witchy help and they ended up casually flirting because they clearly still have feelings for each other and stuff

ain't that the kicker [K.Bishop]

pairing: vampire!kate x reader

summary: the morning after your late-night encounter with kate doesn't go quite as planned...and neither does the day after that or the day after that. [aka you and kate have way more issues than you thought]

warnings: none, i think?; did somebody order angst?; so much tension, you need more than one knife; i rob you of a longer wanda scene; cliffhanger ending because this got too long; weird vampire powers that are badly explained; very long dream sequences; a surprising lack of actual vampire stuff [i badly need to rewatch first kill]; idiots in love but emphasis on the idiots!

wodcount: 3.2k

a/n: hey everyone, my motivation was pretty dead for a while but, unsurprisingly, vampire kate brought it back! and before you all freak out, YES! THERE WILL BE ANOTHER PART! and maybe it'll be less sad and more spicy, who knows? anyway, thank you so much for sticking with me and my constant disappearing act. my second year at university is wrapping up so hopefully you’ll see more of me this summer ;) that's all i have to say, hope you enjoy <3

part one | part three | part four

* * * * * * *

Saying going home with Kate Bishop had been a bad idea would be a massive understatement.

You knew being alone with the heir of Bishop Security would come with problems but the problems all seemed relatively small compared to the continuous waves of pleasure you had been under all night.

To be fair, though, you never expected a grainy picture of you on Kate's lap to be part of that list of problems. You had expected some awkwardness from the charming brunette, the usual "we can't do this again" speech while actively making out in some random storage closet, maybe even some weird looks from your co-workers to further complicate things.

Your original plan had featured everything except you going viral overnight and waking up to the biggest PR disaster to ever hit Bishop Security. (Which is saying a lot considering the many one-night stand scandals Kate always finds herself wrapped up in)

You had so many ideas of what the morning after would be like but none of them included you waking up to an empty bed and a large pit in your stomach that tells you you fucked up big time.

Maybe it had been your fault, maybe you had been too naive for thinking you could really have it all.

Or maybe Kate was right. Maybe she had a longer list of enemies than you had been willing to entertain.

There were far too many “maybe’s” in your mind, an overwhelming amount of notifications on your phone, and you had no idea where Kate had gone.

You’re not sure how long you spend scrolling through Twitter and avoiding all the texts filled with unanswerable questions from your co-workers but eventually, you manage to regain control of yourself and get up from the archer’s ridiculously comfortable bed. You do your best to ignore how shaky your legs are as you get dressed, your mind unfortunately drifting to the night before.

You manage to find your way to the kitchen where there's a full spread of, slightly burnt, breakfast waiting for you. Your heart swells as you read the messy handwriting on the post-it note next to the biggest stack of pancakes you’ve ever seen.

Morning, sunshine. I didn’t know what you were in the mood for so I made a bit of everything. Eat as much as you can, you’ll need a lot of food and water to recover from last night ;) - Kate

It’s impossible to stop the wave of relief that crashes into you after reading that.

As impossible as it feels, you allow yourself to believe things will be fine. That Kate will stick by your side after opening up to you about her supernatural abilities.

But the fantasy doesn’t last long.

You’re halfway through your breakfast when you hear the front door slam shut with so much force you briefly wonder if the hinges came off. It takes no more than fifteen seconds for the archer to appear in front of you, her shoulders tense and an unreadable storm in her eyes.

Her posture already tells you the answer to the question forming on your lips but you ask anyway. “Everything okay?”

She seems almost startled by the sound of your voice as if hearing you makes you real.

It makes the mess you’re both in real.

“No,” she sighs. “I have some shitty news.”

“Shittier than being called a slut by all of New York?” You reply, unable to stop the urge to make her smile.

Kate doesn’t fully smile but she does let out a small chuckle, her shoulders dropping into a less tense position as the sound escapes her. “Yeah…shittier than that.”

You should’ve known where the conversation was headed. Should’ve realized there was no way you’d be able to have it all. No way for you to continue with your life as if nothing had happened.

Maybe you are too naive because you truly didn’t see her next sentence coming.

“y/n…I have to fire you and we...we can’t do this again. This has to be goodbye.”

Everything crashes into you at once.

The realization of what you’ve actually done, the stupid ease with which Kate is cutting you out of her life, the betrayal of her practically kicking you out onto the streets. You’re not an idiot, you know there’s no way you’ll be able to keep your apartment, your humble yet expensive life in New York, without your job.

Without her.

“You…you’re serious? You’re throwing me out just like that?”

“It’s not easy for me either-”

“It looks pretty damn easy, Kate.” You scoff.

“You’re not the one who spent her whole morning getting chewed out by her mom.” Her words come out like an afterthought, like she knows just how badly she’ll fuck up if you hear the annoyance behind them.

Unfortunately for her, you hear her loud and clear.

“Oh, come on. That’s your excuse? You had one bad conversation with your mom and suddenly I don’t mean anything?”

She doesn’t reply and her silence only serves to stoke the flames of fury and resentment rising within your chest.

“Do you know how many death threats I’ve gotten in the last hour? How many coworkers have tried to blackmail me already? Do you understand just how much of my life this has ruined? And you have the audacity to act like you have it hard?”

“Don’t pretend like you know anything about my life,” she spits back. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Katherine. If I didn’t know you, if you didn’t care, why the hell did you tell me your dirty little secret?”

She blinks, taken aback by the hard-hitting truth you throw her way.

If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t notice the way she nervously fidgets with her fingers or the way she bites down on her lower lip while she tries to come up with something to say. If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t know she’s hurting underneath.

You do know her, though, but knowing her isn’t enough if she’s not willing to let you stay.

So, because you do know her…you walk away.

It feels like giving up in the most infuriating of ways but it’s the only thing you can do. If Kate’s mind is made up, there’s no amount of reason that will get her to change. That’s another thing about her you’ve learned the hard way.

So you swallow your pride and walk away with no plan, no job, no way of supporting yourself. If you were a more spiteful person, you would have applied for a job at Stark Industries but instead, you do the second hardest thing you’ve ever done.

You restart.

It’s a bitter defeat and still, you pack up your things and pay an old friend a visit.

You had left Wanda behind after the Westview fiasco but she’s the only person you can think of running to after your entire life went up in flames. All it takes is one quick spell and the realization that a life without dark magic isn’t one you can live before you’re standing on the porch of her small cabin in the middle of nowhere.

Saying she’s disappointed would be an understatement, especially since she explicitly warned you not to fall in love with Kate Bishop. It’s hard to believe the witch knew about Kate’s vampire secret but you also wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what awaited you the second you left for New York.

Unfortunately, you had to learn things the hard way.

You could write multiple books on everything you’ve learned the hard way.

At the top of that list, though, is the true extent of a certain archer’s vampire powers.

It takes less than a month for Kate to reach you again…through your dreams. Dreams that feel far too real and leave you a tad bit more breathless than you’ll ever be willing to admit.

The first time it happens, you assume it’s one of Wanda’s new tricks, maybe it’s her way of helping you cope with what (or rather who) you’ve left behind. You think it’s weird but maybe a tad bit sweet and you make a mental note to ask her about it in the morning.

It’s not until you realize that you’re actively thinking that you start to worry.

To make matters worse, you’re inside Kate’s apartment…and she quite literally stumbles out of her bedroom to see you standing in the middle of her living room.

“Oh, shit.” She groans.

Your heart skips a beat at the sound of her voice. You know you’re just dreaming and yet it all feels so real. It’s like you can feel her eyes on you, hear the way your heart won’t stop pounding in your ears.

Your confusion must be written all over your face because she answers your question before you can even ask it.

“Yes, you are dreaming but this isn’t like a normal dream.”

“What the fuck happened to you not being a mind reader?” You blurt out.

You wait for that stupid smirk of hers to appear, maybe with a half-assed shrug and a semi-charming joke, but it never comes. “My dream, my rules, I guess.”

“That still doesn’t explain what’s going on.”

A beat of silence goes by before she sort of gives you an answer. “I can explain but you might hate me afterwards.”

The look in her eyes says more than you can possibly handle right now. You’ve never known Kate to be particularly insecure but all you can see in those blue depths is fear and insecurity. Fear that your feelings for her have changed, that you already hate her and never want to hear from her again.

Too bad you’ve never been good at lying.

“Try me.”

The corners of her mouth quirk up into a small smile. “Long story short, we’re bonded. That’s why we’re in each other’s dreams.”

There’s a bigger question to be asked but you’re still a little freaked out by how real this all feels. By how intense your feelings for her still are.

“But this isn’t like a normal dream, is it?”

“Nope, perks of having vampire powers.”

“So, you can do everything except read minds?” You can’t help but tease her like all the times before. “That sucks.”

“Shut up,” she says with an over-dramatic roll of her eyes.

A calm silence falls over both of you and you hate how normal it feels. How just like that, you forget your anger and the betrayal you’ve felt every minute since the day you left New York in favor of falling for her stupidly enchanting self all over again.

It doesn’t help that with every second, the distance between you gets smaller and smaller.

You don’t know who takes the first step, all you know is you blink and suddenly she’s standing right in front of you, those soft blue eyes of hers searching for the truth you can’t hide.

“y/n,” she murmurs, her hand tentatively reaching out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you wanted.”

She’s technically not wrong, leaving because of her incapability to deal with her feelings was the last thing you wanted, but it’s not like you had any other choice.

She didn’t give you any other choice.

And now she’s here, staring at you with that wounded puppy look she so effortlessly embodies.

“I wanted you,” you whisper in response. “When are you going to get that through your thick skull?”

She chuckles, the sound warm but nervous. Her hand moves to cup your face and her touch is so soft, it leaves you breathless for a moment. “Never, I’m too stubborn for that, remember?”

You can’t help but tease her as the atmosphere shifts into something more affectionate than you’d like. “How could I forget? It’s your worst trait.”

“Ouch. Is that how you treat your favorite vampire?”

“Aw, poor little vampire baby.”

You wait for her to make one of her usual jokes but she doesn’t.

Instead, her eyes drift down to your lips and your mind instantly goes blank.

There’s an endless list of reasons why you shouldn’t do it. Just because it’s a dream doesn’t mean it isn’t a bad idea. Then again…when has that ever stopped you from being with Kate Bishop?

It’s subtle but you lean forward just enough to give her the invitation she’s too much of a gentleman to ask for. Her eyes widen the slightest bit before she meets you in the middle, the space between your lips becoming nonexistent in the span of a few seconds.

You try your hardest to hold on to your self control, to not seem as desperate as you’ve felt since that first night, but it’s useless. Your hands grip the front of her shirt in an attempt to pull her closer despite how insane everything is.

You’re simply dreaming and yet you can feel every touch, every breath, every desperate effort to make your desires a reality. You would feel embarrassed if Kate wasn’t acting the same way.

Her lips leave yours only to trail down to your neck, her fangs instantly teasing the sensitive skin she finds. The anticipation builds inside your chest as she toys with you and it’s all you can do not to beg for more.

“Kate.” Her name leaves your lips in the form of a whisper that disappears just as fast as it formed.

All you hear is her sharp intake of breath before it all fades to black.

Your eyes snap open and you’re greeted with the absolute silence you’re starting to associate with Wanda’s cabin. All you can do is lay there in the darkness, your heart pounding in your ears while your fingers trace the spot Kate’s lips had just been on.

It had all felt so real and now you’re all alone again. It shouldn’t be surprising at this point and yet you still hold on to the hope Kate will come looking for you.

But she doesn’t.

All she does is haunt your dreams in the most literal way possible. She doesn’t come to find you and fix your many, many issues, instead, she simply appears in your dreams long enough to send your mind reeling without offering any solutions.

You wish you could hate her for doing this to you but you can’t.

You love her.

Worse than that, you love her more and more each night. Even though it’s not nearly enough to heal any of your wounds, and maybe it only serves to hurt you more, it’s definitely addicting.

Wanda offers to help you sever the connection between you and Kate, something about a spell she read in the Darkhold being her only assurance that she knows what she’s doing. You don’t fully trust her on that but you do consider the option for longer than you want to admit.

You reason with yourself that there are much worse things to deal with on a daily basis than highly realistic dreams, though. That being bonded to a vampire isn't the worst thing in the world.

And maybe that would be true…if the vampire in question wasn't Kate Bishop.

You don't know what possesses you to ask but the question slips out in the middle of another midnight rendezvous. It’s been a little over two month since you moved away from New York, a little over two months since you've shared these weird dreams with Kate, when you finally ask.

“What exactly did you do for us to be bonded to each other?”

The question must catch her off guard given the way her eyes widen in panic. “What?”

“You said these weird dreams happen because we’re bonded or something but you never explained how that happened.” You watch the brunette from your spot on the couch and impatiently wait for a response, for something that will help you make sense of everything.

She swallows back her nervousness but gives herself away due to the way she fidgets with the rings on her hand. “Oh, yeah, that…it’s because I bit you that night in my apartment…remember?”

Her awkwardness would be endearing if her response wasn't so damn suspicious.

“Yeah but you're a vampire, biting people is kind of your thing. You're not automatically bonded to every person you bite, right?”

A beat of silence passes before she answers, her voice shaking the slightest bit. “No that…that only happens when there are…certain feelings involved.”

It takes a second for her answer to click in your brain. For her sudden nervousness to hold real meaning.

The answer hits you like a train and it makes your blood boil like nothing else.

“Kate, tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means. Tell me you didn't fire me because you were too afraid of having feelings for me.”

“y/n-”

“For fuck’s sake, Kate!”

The sudden frustration in your voice makes her jump, hundreds of meaningless explanations forming on the tip of her tongue.

You don't hear a word she says.

You can't hear anything besides the pounding in your heart and the devastation that threatens to swallow you whole.

You always knew being with Kate would be impossible but this was something else entirely. This wasn't a lack of feelings between you two, this was too many feelings and too many miles of distance and not one ounce of regret from her.

You're not sure when you stood up from your spot or when she approached you, you simply feel her hand on your waist and the unmistakable sound of her breathing.

“y/n,” she tries again. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m so tired of hearing you say that.”

“I know.”

The last thing you feel is her lips on the back of your neck before you wake up. Alone. Again.

Wanda must catch on to your desperation because she brings up the idea of cutting your connection with Kate that same morning.

“It’ll only be temporary,” she assures you. “No offense but you need sleep more than you need Kate Bishop.”

“I’m a little offended,” you grumble in response.

Despite your reservations, and the voice in the back of your head that tells you running away again is a bad idea, you go along with her plan. She's right, after all. You definitely need some time away from Kate Bishop and her never-ending messes.

The spell is simpler than you expect and it, thankfully, requires pretty much no effort on your part and no weird liquids.

It does also bring the best sleep you’ve had in months so you can’t complain…even when you wake up missing the sound of the archer’s voice.

You still miss her every day and you're sure that won't change any time soon but you welcome the peace with open arms.

Wanda spends her time teaching you random spells while you help her build a nice flower garden in the backyard. It's weird but…comforting.

You could even get used to life out here someday.

At least, that's what you keep telling yourself as the weeks go by.

Until Kate shows up unannounced and flips your world upside down again with those same soft eyes you fell on love with all those months ago.

[foxy-eva]

Hi

I was wondering if you had any spencer Reid fics with reader who doesn’t work for the BAU

Thank you

Yes of course! Most of my fics are non-BAU!Reader or don't specify their job. Here's a little selection for you.

Heart Language: Spencer has a crush on his doctor (and the feeling is mutual)

Cowboy Like Me: Spencer fulfills his wife’s childhood dream

Safekeeping: Spencer is there to protect Reader when a situation gets out of hand. 

Pretty Boy: Seeing how Spencer would do anything to make their daughter smile never fails to warm his wife’s heart

Reflections: The kindness Spencer Reid shows to a child seems to impress Reader a little too much

Summer Nights: Summer may come to an end but the kisses Spencer Reid shares with Reader will not

Side by Side: Spencer Reid is mesmerized by Reader on their first date and is surprised that she apparently feels the same way about him

Sleepy Golden Storm: Reader and Spencer Reid enjoy some morning cuddles

Forever Has A Nice Ring To It: When Spencer Reid finally finds the courage to express his love for Reader, both of them realize that forever has a nice ring to it

The Only Hoax I Believe In: Spencer Reid struggles with his addiction after prison until Reader is determined to help him, no matter the cost

NSFW under the cut, minors DNI!

26 Things (series): 4-part series about Spencer Reid helping Reader check off everything on her bucket list - even the explicit things

In Full Bloom: A random interaction between Spencer Reid and Reader leads to weeks of longing and yearning until they decide they have spent enough time being strangers

Second Time’s a Charm: Back in college Spencer Reid and Reader left many things unsaid. Years later they give it another try.

Slippery Slope: Spencer slips in the shower, his roommate comes to the rescue

Novelty: Spencer guides Reader through a night full of firsts

Call Me: Spencer discovers new ways to feel close to his girlfriend while working on a case

Sunday Morning: Spencer really enjoys Sunday mornings with his girlfriend

Daring & Decent: After getting teased about his girlfriend’s profession, Spencer feels insecure and needs her to show him that he is everything she needs

Movie Night: Spencer didn’t know that having a movie night was a synonym for having a make-out session with Reader but he sure didn’t mind

Summer in the City: Having a roommate who decided it was too hot to wear clothes suddenly made the heatwave much more tolerable for Spencer

Ever Expanding: Spencer and his wife decide it’s time to expand their family

Closer: When Spencer Reid comes home after being gone for too long he and Reader can’t wait to feel each other as close as possible

Washed Away: Spencer Reid knows exactly how to help Reader unwind after a stressful day

Duet: Letting the love of his life get away was Spencer’s biggest regret, so he decides to go after her

Find my general MASTERLIST here

Still looking for more? Check out @imagining-in-the-margins Collection for non-BAU!Reader fics!

[petitelepus]

hi! may i have yandere transformers matchup? decepticon please. also i would be a human! <3

i’m kind-hearted, compassionate and caring, but also elegant and ladylike. i'm calm, delicate and sweet, i treat everyone politely and with respect. i'm cheerful, optimistic, friendly and bright. i'm very caring and loving, especially when it comes to family. i'm energetic, bubbly and happy-go-lucky, but i can be very mature when the time comes. i have also very strong sense of duty. i don't take any nonsense and i'm not afraid to stand up to anyone who gets on my bad side. i'm very ambitious, enthusiastic and i like making friends. i find satisfaction in life's simplest gifts. i love adventures, exploring and enjoying the nature. i have morbid, dark and sharp sense of humor. i can be stubborn and overwork myself a lot. i love children. i always related to disney’s miss bianca, maid marian and duchess.

my love languages: when it comes to giving, it's all five of them because i'm full of love and i like showing my feelings in different ways when it comes to recieving... i have no idea

thank you so much for even reading this! have a wonderful day <3

Blitzwing is Yandere for you!

You were a hostage at first, a civilian in the wrong place at the wrong time. That's how it all began between you and Blitzwing.

A little thing to hold on to, to ensure his safe escap-! Successful departure! He is a mighty Decepticon, he doesn't escape from a fight, unlike a certain screamer…!

My, what a sweet kind hearted little human you turn out to be! It would be a shame if someone would use that kindness of yours for their own selfish gains, now wouldn't it?

Blitzwing may think he can gain the location of AllSpark fragments through you but when you prove to be clueless about the fragments, and well, there goes that plan down the drains.

Yet he still doesn't let you go. No, his sense says that he should get rid of you… But he was never really sane, to begin with.

It doesn't help that you try your hardest to befriend the giant evil robot. You're like a space barnacle, once you get stuck you don't let go… And so, every aspect of Blitzwing starts to like you.

Icy may try to deny it but he can't erase his feelings for you. You're so mature, elegant, beautiful, and kind, but there is this royalty in you also, much like in Megatron and he likes it more than he dares to sometimes say.

This is a new thing, but if Icy got to decide, he would get you a beautiful and elegant mermaid dress to highlight your royal appearance.

Hothead loves your fierceness and how you take no bullshit from anyone and you aren't afraid to stand up for what you believe in. It takes real courage to stand up against a Decepticon like him and he respects that in you.

Hothead would like to see you in summer dress, light and so fair, and cute…

Random loves how kind you are even to a Decepticon like him and how you don't seem to realize that he is the evil and unstable giant robot who could eat you up! But don't worry, he understands that if he did so then he wouldn't be able to hear your dark jokes, which make him cackle like the madman he is.

Random, this maniac won't stop pestering you unless you agree to wear the black and purple ball gown dress he stole. He will laugh at how cute you look in the huge dress and how he is tempted to take a little nibble!

You're a multitasker when it comes to showing your love and you learn that Blitzwing and all his three different personalities have their own favorites and their own ways of showing love back to you.

Icy prefers acts of service. You went and got him some oil? An energon treat? How did you even manage to do that!? You just smile and tell him you have your way to make him happy. No one ever does that to him…

His way of showing his love towards you with words of affirmation. He will let you know that he appreciates your efforts to make him feel special.

Hothead is weak towards words of affirmation and he gets really flustered and all tsunderish when you give him honest and kind praises.

His way of showing love towards you would be with gifts. He is blushing and as soon as you smile and ask what's up, he gets flustered and pushes the gift to you.

Random loves and will take any form of affection you may show to him and he will shower you with them also.

Nothing is too much for him, he will sing for his fellow Decepticons how sweet his little human is and he praises you to the moon and back. Hell, if you let him, he will take you to the moon!

[deceptive-daydreams]

Whatever She Wants; I Will Do Anything - E.M.

Eddie x fem reader

2.9K Words

Inspired by the song Graceland Too by Phoebe Bridgers. Or where you’re very good at keeping your guard up and not letting others in only to crumble under the pressure. And Eddie is there to help you put the pieces back together.

Warnings - angsty, depictions of mental illness, dark thoughts

A/N - This shit is emotional and this song has been stuck in my head for days so I had to do something with it. Any feedback is appreciated 🥹

Masterlist

— I would do anything you want me to

I would do anything for you

I would do anything, I would do anything

Whatever you want me to do, I will do

—

If you could pick the scenery to describe your own brain, it wouldn’t be a field of daisies, fresh and heavenly, or rainbows after a light summer rain, sticky but romanticized.  It wouldn’t be angelic beach views with sunsets marbling the sky or even the starry night with the moon soaking the earth in its celestial light.   No, these things were magnificent, pleasing to look at, easy to take in.  Very unlike your brain.  

Your idea would be more of a tsunami ripping everything apart, having no mercy on anything in its wake—destroying everything it touches.  Emotions receding into the sea quietly before ultimately coming back in a massive wave and disrupting the quaint living of those around.  Murky skies and shattered hope.  People running, and running far just to avoid the disaster—the impending doom that was you.  That is exactly how you’d describe your brain. 

Sometimes if you were lucky there were a select few weeks in between the storms of your mind where you’d feel a sliver of relief, a drought in the ever flowing thoughts that dismantled your life.  Times where there would be a glimmer of ambition and an inkling of motivation.  It never lasted long, fleeing as soon as you were starting to get better.  A colossal wave consuming you once again, and people would go running as they always did—the commotion of the storm too turbulent for them to brave.  

And the agonizing thoughts would begin to stew at the very core of your brain.  Simmering until they boiled over at random.  

Too hard to love.

Useless.

Worthless.

Barely a person, a walking corpse devoid of emotion due to the burnout.

Not worthy of love.

Not worthy of anything.

I should have never even made it this far, sixteen years was my limit.

I don’t want to do this anymore, please don’t make me do this anymore.

It was all so daunting, so intimidating and heavy.  It truly felt like you did not belong on this earth and there was absolutely no way to combat it other than merely surviving.  Days passed and you were trapped in the endless cycle that was existing without purpose.  

Your boyfriend, Eddie, sweet Eddie had a life to live and you couldn’t bear to burden him with the sorrows of your aching soul.  Eventually he’d realize what a nuisance you were, how crippling your state of mind could be.  He didn’t deserve to be detained by the relationship you so thought was out of pity.  Ever so generous, kind, enamoring, handsome, loving, gentle, loud, assertive—everything Eddie was made of, was something you believed you never once deserved.  You dreaded the day he would glance at you and come to his senses.  She is too broken for me, I can’t love her.

The convincing mask you were able to automatically put on was all too familiar.  Being able to physically front that you were happy when the reality of it all was that demons swam through your bloodstream and never left, only lying dormant every once in a blue moon only to come back at full force.  It felt like poison, the way you would be okay one moment and suddenly in seconds you were grasping onto your sanity, clinging onto any bits of reality—of your mortal self only to be swallowed up by harsh accusations toward yourself that would have you sinking back into your bed for as long as it required.  And that’s how you got so good with the mask, forcing yourself to conform to the world around you when you absolutely couldn’t rot in bed, other obligations taking priority despite the poison coursing through your body.  A smile on your face, a compliment here, a joke there, sprinkled with some stupid story from the other day that always seemed to appease your audience.  It was all fake and no one could sniff it out.

Until Eddie came along and he was able to detect even the slightest shift in your demeanor.  Though you could throw the mask on, it didn’t always work with him and he would encourage you to take it off.  You never did.  Insisting I’m fine, just a little tired.  Lying through your teeth.  You couldn’t help it, you’d never let your guard down with anyone ever.  How were you supposed to when it didn’t even feel like an option?  A people pleaser to your core, you’d take your feelings with you to the grave.  

The first time Eddie stumbled upon you crying, he was at a loss, not knowing how to approach the situation.  Do I hug her?  No, what if she doesn’t want me to?  Do I hold her hand?  Does she want me to leave?  Did I do something?  What if I made her cry?  Does she want to break up?  Every thought flew at him at lightning speed, practically slapping him in the face.  Before any decision could be made, you sucked back the tears and used your sleeves to aggressively clear your under eyes.  I’m fine, I just watched an emotional movie.  Lies.  Not wanting to push you further, he nodded and held you close.  But he knew.  You were suffering, drowning in your own fucked up world and he had no idea how to pull you out.  When his own mind started suffocating him he could at least voice that he wasn’t having the best day, also being the type to never burden others with his invading thoughts.  He’d leave it at that and sulk in his room but you would always sit with him, if he allowed.  If not, that was okay too and he was eternally grateful.  

The more he studied your behavior when you just felt off, the more he gathered the way you would often go blank during a conversation, eyes becoming void of a human and turning into a shell of yourself as you picked yourself apart internally.  Anxiety looming in your eyes and hands the slightest bit shaky, he would touch his fingertips to yours in the smallest touch hoping to lure you back, praying that he didn’t overstep because god he was so scared.  And when you did return, you still weren’t fully there although you claimed you were just tired.  Again.  He just wanted you to be happy.  And you wanted to be happy.  

It took almost a year into the relationship for you to even be able to ask him to come over when you wanted to just be with him.  Before that it just felt like you were pestering him for attention even though that was far from the truth.  You could call him just to complain about how your lunch tasted and he would savor every moment.  Even still, you had your doubts about calling him or texting him, the nasty demons lurking within you telling you he didn’t care.  Eddie picked up on your patterns from the very beginning and learned that the way you worded things really indicated your mood, if you were genuinely doing well or if things were bad again.  A simple phrase popping up on his phone and he would bolt to you if he had the slightest inclination that you were in a pool of your own self deprecating thoughts.  

Are you home?  Really meant, I need you, I need you and I’m too afraid to outright say it.

Are you busy?  Either meant that you wanted to go on a gas station run with him or that you wanted to vent about your family.  

Want to come over?  Generally translated to I’m in a good space right now and would love to spend time with you.

I love you.  Told him I’m thinking about you.

Love you.  Was an indicator that you were on edge, it could be because of him depending on the nature of the situation or it could just be a bad day. 

Food?  Was the phrase used to tell him I’m hangry and we better be getting Mexican food otherwise you better suggest something that sounds yummier.

I’m fine.  Was as clear as day.  I’m the opposite of fine.

So when it’s ten o’ clock at night and the cicadas are chirping outside his trailer, his fingers dancing along the neck of his guitar to a new riff he recently learned and he sees his phone light up with your name, he eagerly reaches over to pick it up and read.  His eyes scan over three key words.

Are you home?

Immediately he’s setting his guitar on top of his mattress, calling you as he scrambles around his room searching for his car keys, finally locating them underneath his copy of Lord of the Rings he had been rereading earlier, tossing the book aside.  The dial tone rings through his ears a few times, heart beating fast.  On the other end, a meek little hey is heard along with a sniffle that you swore you would hide.  

“Baby, what’s wrong?”  His voice is laced with concern while he makes his way out to the living room to collect his leather jacket.  

“I-I-nothing.  I just—wanted to hear your voice.”  Part of it is a lie.  Everything is wrong and your world is crumbling as you stare out the window lifelessly.  Panic is taking over while you endure thoughts about your past, present, and future.  Why did I say that one thing that one time?  I’m such a bad person.  I should have never been born, that way I could save everyone the embarrassment.  You’re instigating yourself and there’s no sign of stopping.  Eddie would be happier without you, he’s too good for you, good things don’t happen to you without a price.  Bullet after bullet hits your soul.  

“I’m coming over.”  He tells you without giving you the option to say no, the line going silent as he hangs up.  This only coaxes more humiliating things out from the depths of your brain.  See what you did?  You ruined his night, now he’s on his way over and he’s probably so mad.  He has so many better things to be doing than sitting with a cry baby.  

The sobs rack your body, chest heaving and vision completely blurred with hot tears traveling down your face.  You’re shaking, the words assaulting you over and over.  Even if you wanted to stop crying you couldn’t, the dam was flooded.  It was an oversight on your part, you didn’t need to text Eddie but you did it out of impulse.  Everything suddenly becomes so overstimulating, so gross and uncomfortable.  The way your clothes hug your body makes you wince, rubbing your arms to somewhat soothe yourself but it only does so much.  The clutter on your bedside table aggravates you all of the sudden but there’s not any energy to straighten it up, leaving you sitting on the bed in full on breakdown mode.  You’re now way too aware of your own body, yearning to immediately cease existing.  A blanket once thrown over your legs is now tossed across the room, the material now disgusting you.  Everything becomes unbearable.

So unbearable that you don’t even hear Eddie using his key in your front door, the hinges squeaking as he enters, or the click of the lock as he locks it again before rushing upstairs, his boots stomping on every other step.  You don’t hear the bedroom door creak open as he carefully approaches, toeing off his boots near the door and then speaking to you.  

“Sweetheart, what’s goin’ on?”  His tone is gentle enough to soothe a baby.  Shrugging his jacket off and tossing it on a nearby chair, he slowly strides closer to the bed but still keeps his distance.  

All you can do is cover your face in your pathetic palms, attempting to hide away the misery you have become.  A wet and whimpered I don’t know is made out from you muffling the words into your hands.  His heart shatters.  All he wants to do is hold you but only if you’ll allow him to.  The last thing he wants to do is make it worse.  The last time he saw you cry was also the first time and you’d sucked it up and brushed it off like it never happened.  This was drastically different, you were a puddle of tears and snot, sobbing uncontrollably and unable to hold back any longer.

“Baby.  Look at me.  Just for a minute, okay?”  He’s trying to convince you but you shake your head, palms still gathering tears.  “Please?  Please?”  He begs, voice hoarse as he tries to map out a gameplan in his head.  It still falls upon deaf ears.  “I need you to look at me.  If I’m going to help you, you need to look at me.”  He leans over the bed attempting to catch your eyes.  “I need you.”  He speaks desperately, his own eyes becoming wet.  For some reason, the phrase makes you stop for a second, makes you freeze.  If he needed you, then you were going to give him anything he wanted, anything he needed.  It was some type of reverse psychology that he hadn’t even realized he performed.  You were falling apart but the moment he begged for help you stopped everything to be by his side.

Shock written in his features, he looks at you while you look at him, big doe eyes full of anxiety and worry.  The atmosphere was stagnant at that moment.  Hiccups erupted out of you but your full undivided attention was on him.  He pondered his next moves carefully, not wanting to scare you off or chase you back into your corner.  His next words were spoken with the utmost care.

“Tell me what you need me to do.”  His voice was shaky and his eyes blinked rapidly.  “I—I’ve never done this before.  Please tell me what you need.”  His voice wobbled on the last few words as you tried to process everything.  “Whatever you want me to do, I will do.”  The way his tone wavered broke you, choking out a sob before stopping yourself.  You did this to him.  So you force yourself to provide an answer, it’s the least you could do.  

Voice cracking, you reply “Hold me.”  The dam continues flooding, sending a river down your cheeks.  He’s quick to crawl across the bed and gather you in his arms like the most fragile thing he’s ever held.  Arms wrap around your middle to pull you in between his legs, pulling your back flush against his chest as you then maneuver your body to curl into him like he’s your bunker, face buried in his chest and trembling hands fisting his shirt.  

“I’m right here, I’ve got you.  I’m here.”  Whispered reassurances against the top of your head as you soak his shirt in a mixture of tears and snot.  He lets you cry for as long as you need, as long as you want.  

“I’m always here for you.  Okay?  I would do anything for you.”  He promises, stroking your back soothingly, placing a kiss to your temple.  Everything about you is so ugly in the moment and yet, he’s so patient and warm.  So attentive and loving.  His gestures begin to chip at the walls you built around yourself so long ago.  It would take time but he’s made the first cracks in those sturdy walls and he would spend forever helping you tear them down.  

The sobs and hiccups begin to settle down, not completely but enough that you have some composure.  Your wide eyes stare into his kind ones.  You’re forced to recognize the unconditional love swimming in his eyes.  The genuine concern for your well being and his necessity for your comfort and happiness.  

“I love you.”  An offer through your tears of that same love on a silver platter that he would gladly indulge in.  Hand brushing against the bottom of your chin, tilting it ever so slightly while the other rests on the small of your back, he delivers a nudge of his nose against yours, a piece of his heart.  

“I love you.  I will always love you.”  His words have a greater meaning, an oath that even through the bad times, the times where you were isolated and hated yourself, kicking yourself to the curb,  he would be right there to help you back up.  A brush of his thumb against a rogue tear on your cheek has you hanging onto his every action.  The way he continues to use his thumbs to clean up any remnants  of sadness that had been acquired over the last hour or so.  How his lips curl up in fondness when you brush your fingertips along his stubbly cheek.  A whispered thank you against his skin.  When he lays back and pulls you onto his chest, his breathing lulling you into a post cry sleep that you very well needed, one hand running up and down your back and the other tracing shapes into your arm—calloused fingers providing every bit of comfort needed.  How his lips press a kiss to your forehead.  The scary thoughts were at bay for now and Eddie would without a doubt help you to battle them the next time they invaded your mind, whether it be tomorrow or next week.  His words have you melting, insides gooey and sticky when he thinks you’re fast asleep but you’re really still clinging onto these last waking moments as you mold into each other.   

“You’re everything I could ever ask for.  I would do anything for you.”

~end~

Masterlist

[jeynearrynofthevale]

Just watched the Connor McDavid: Whatever it Takes documentary and my main takeaway is that he’s insane but here are a bunch of random notes and pics:

““If it was up to my mom, we probably would’ve been a skiing family”

The drive, that’s who he is, he’s always been that way, since he was probably 3 or 4, he refused to let his parents help him get dressed and he would carry his bag everywhere, the bag was bigger than he was

“He’s intense and he’s competitive”

Bobby Orr said when he was 15 that he was gonna be the greatest skater to ever play

Tracy Wilson: Olympian and skating coach “what I love about Connor is it’s all about power, doesn’t matter how it looks, it’s about getting there”

Kassian “we haven’t seen a player like that in the game in maybe forever”

McDavid “at the end of the day, you’re still playing an nhl game, but that’s not much to hang your hat on” in reference to being out of the playoffs

“Right on the post square and I just felt the pain right away, thought I’d just broken my leg into a couple pieces”

They keep replaying him going into the net at top speed and it’s fucking horrible to watch

He whispered to me “I think it’s broke”- Kassian

“I was having flashbacks to Stamkos’s energy and I know stammer really well”

Stamkos texted therapist: “did he break his tibia?”

“If I could do it all over again, you’d like to take it back”- giordano

Team physical therapist asked if he could move his leg and told him he could either try to get up or call the gurney. Connor said “no, no, no” and stood up even though he was worried and thought his leg was going to give out”

“I held it together until we got though the tunnel and then I was just a mess” it took them 10 minutes to get back to the room

He said “stop, just give me a second”

3 guys had to hold him up the way back

Lauren “it was really hard when he called me, he just said “I think I broke my leg””

Brian “he was really upset and in pain, as a parent it’s hard”

Kelly: “it’s the worst thing in the world”

“Maybe in hindsight it would’ve been better if it was broken”

Never realized the infamous scene where Leon squeezes Connor in the hallway is from this.

Grade 2 strain of his pcl

“Hey dad, just want you to know I’m going for a second opinion in Colorado Springs”

Doctor told him it was a full pcl tear where tears on bth sides of his miniscus, “tore the popliteus right of the bone”

Full reconstruction of the knee, pcl, and popliteus would require a year recovery, doctor said he needed to do it asap, within a few day

“He was distraught, very, very under described”

His mom wanted him to have the surgery

Surgical intervention is to give it stability back

Had to make decision in 48hrs about whether or not to operate.

“He was very emotional and it was very difficult for him to talk.”

3rd opinion in LA: 2nd doctor is right about the issues but thinks the surgery is risky and doesn’t believe in it, wants to try to rehab it

Had to make that decision at 22 in 24 hours

Pcl cut right in half, back of knee joint completely torn, popliteus also completely torn, lateral and medial meniscus are both torn, crack in front of tibia from where he hit the post

“Hockey is my life”

He wanted to hear that he didn’t need surgery

His rehab guy literally lived with him

7 days a week, 10 hrs a day

50% chance to get him maybe skating again by end of summer

He was in a hyperbaric chamber daily for 40 days, 2 hours at a time

Claustrophobic in a literal tube

“At one point, doctor cleared him to flex his quad muscle”

They had to keep the injury as secret as possible, didn’t tell Ken Holland how bad it was

He would call his mom right after every mri appointment

He was in the pool all the time working on his knee

While rehabbing, his core specialist was like “might as well work on everything while we’re stuck here” and they worked on his core, pelvic floor, rotational movement, spine, everything

Gymnastics coach also helped

Didn’t want him to skate till September

He went on the ice with just his dad on his doc’s recommendation before September

He was so happy to be back on the ice with his father, completely changed emotionally that day

You can really see how much he loves just skating

He was so happy to know that even if he couldn’t fully heal he could still go on with the brace and skate

He’s so smooth in these skating exercises while in an insane brace

“One thing to be out there playing the game but another to do it at the level he was capable of”

Tracy Wilson did in their own words “edging” with him for afternoons, taking him through all sorts of movements and exercises without his brace

Opening night started to look like a possibility

He wanted to be there for training camp

He decided not to participate in biosteel

He wanted to play in all 7 exhibition games even though most veterans only did 4

“Like my first game all over again”

Seeing him on opening night was incredible for his training people

Okay, seeing the canucks slashing at him and shoving him into the boards in the home opener is now making me so protective

“He willed himself back”

[self-indulgent-paw-patrol]

Ask Game.

Rocky

Oh my sweet summer child too pure for this world

My first impression - "Is that gray one a mutt? Why did they have to make the pup who works with recycling to be a "no-breed" one, that's racist, also bullying" (/j)

My impression now - He's me, I am him. My house is full of random stuff and recyclables just like his truck. He cares about the nature just like me. I found my pup doppelganger. I found my people (this included Zuma and Marshall just around 30 minutes later too).

Favorite thing about that character - His sense of humor. Idk how to explain this one. He's kinda sarcastic but in a way it doesn't sound mean, I love it.

Least favorite thing - He also doesn't like baths and I feel unnecessarily called out.

Favorite line/scene - THE BRAZILIAN DUB FOR THIS SCENE HERE, "Um Martelinho de Ouro resolve!" Long live localized dub jokes and puns, I loved it so much-

Favorite interaction that character has with another - I just realized I never considered about it so I'll go on and skip this one. There's nothing coming up to my mind about this.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more - Zuma. Also Ryder. I need Rocky and Ryder working together on stuff again.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character - Would you believe me if I said... Jesse, from Free Willy? Specifically the animated cartoon, instead of the movies. Idk how to explain but Rocky reminds me of Jesse for some reason. Maybe because both are very ecologically-oriented characters. They would get along VERY WELL, except for the part where Jesse doesn't mind getting wet (his best friend is an ORCA, let's be honest here) and Rocky would completely avoid standing any closer than 15ft around Willy. And even then he's still at risk of getting splashed by that sarcasm-n-spite-driven orca.

A headcanon about that character - I've shared so many already? Let me see... One of my headcanons about Rocky is that even nowadays sometimes he still questions himself what is he doing here. Like, why is he with the Paw Patrol? With a bunch of other pups with pedigree and "actual jobs"? It happens mostly when he's feeling down, y'know those sad days you'd rather not leave the bed for no reason other than just not feeling like it? He gets out of that sad funk quickly though, it never lasts too long. The other pups always end up reminding him he's family just as much as them, even if they don't know they're helping with something more than they know XD

A song that reminds of that character - "To The Sky"

An unpopular opinion about that character - WHAT ARE UNPOPULAR OPINIONS, EVERYTHING I THINK OF ARE COMMON OPINIONS IN THE FANDOM, HELP, I DON'T HAVE ANY UNPOPULAR OPINION ABOUT HIM

Favorite picture - "Sexy without being vulgar" lol

[phywreks]

the end of rain world

written on 10/1/24, lightly edited 10/23

(vague spoilers for the end of the video game rain world)

the ending of rain world has been fucking with me. it’s deconstructed the patch of stability i spent a big chunk of my summer building for myself.

the night i finished rain world, i walked a friend home. she hadn't been doing great- her usual routines for emotional regulation weren't working, her creative work often more frustrating than fulfilling, stuck at a point of being unable to match her skillset to her aesthetic tastes. she talked, i listened, i tried to ask helpful questions, i stumbled over my own words, i lost cohesion. i felt like i'd maybe managed to distract her from a spiral, if only through confusion. we lingered for a while outside her building. we hugged good night.

i felt like i'd failed her. this chance i had to be there for someone important to me, to help them, to offer a lifeline, and all i could think to do was cry and say i’m sorry i can’t give you better advice but i care about you. 

so i quietly sobbed my way home. i stumbled into playing rain world at 3am because i was grasping for more of the kind of meaning and joy and love for its design, grasping for the emotional state playing rain world had come to embody- escaping and spending time with this friend i felt like i'd failed. i finished it. i spent half an hour climbing through tunnels and temples and threw myself into the golden void. the culmination of a journey only possible through acts of random generosity from pebbles, the void worm, this friend. all of this generosity, and the thing it was leading towards was what? suicide? ending the cycle? becoming a big worm and swimming in the void with the other big worms? seeing myself and dozens of my other selves who have all died eventually make it to the end, escape the mortal plane, and leave behind a world destroyed, ravaged, full of suffering?

art reflects us. it shows us, without us realizing, who we are. what we believe. the feelings we stuff away. i get from rain world an indictment of the concept of afterlives. they are a technology, a concept we invented in pursuit of how it might enhance our ability to live in this world here and now. this is all there is. despite this goal of creating a philosophically airtight seal on motivation, a framework that tells us that at all times, the best thing we can do is to continue living and giving everything we have to the world because otherwise there will be nothing that remains of us when we die. 

this framework is not enough. in rain world (this is my understanding of the world of the game after a single playthrough, i’ve certainly got substantial parts of this wrong and am thus filling in the gaps), the ancients live deep spiritual lives which connect themselves to the world and create a desire to protect it, to live in harmony with it. their desire to escape the cycle of death and rebirth which traps all living creatures trumps their desire to make life worth living for those creatures, though. they construct artificial intelligences who require a resource load so intense that it completely transforms all ecosystems on the planet. the surface of the world is now pelted by rainstorms so intense they kill anything not able to find shelter. they move above the clouds, away from the danger, and ramp up their consumption even more.

rain world says that no matter what we say, believe, how we cloak our beliefs, how we justify our actions, we’re still acting without a plan for long term sustainability for those who live here. now.

i woke up after going to sleep with all of this rolling around in my head, sobbing silently so as to not wake up my two roommates, and spent three hours in bed staring at the atrocities of the world. algorithms designed to rewire your behaviour so they’re the first thing you see in the morning dominate most of us. they curate what you see to maximize the amount of attention you give them. i went to sleep emotionally raw, scared, unsure of my ability to maintain faith that humanity will survive the hell we’re constructing for ourselves out of our home. i woke up confronted with damning evidence that hell must be what we’re searching for. why else would we ruin the climate? escalate the frequency of environmental disaster to the point that towns flood monthly? to the point that millions lose their homes every year? 

reckoning with reality inevitably drives us insane. the only way to remain productive, to climb up in society and gain power, is to conform, in the depths of your soul, to the metrics established by those in power before you. 

massive societal shifts happen not as a reaction to injustice, but as a power move from those just under the top, to put themselves on top.

i don’t want to kill myself. i don’t want to live. i want all of us to be free from the threat of death if we aren’t able to work. i want us to be able to live good lives for the simple fact of our humanity. i want all creatures to be able to live good lives for the simple fact of their existence. i want beauty to flourish. 

wealth accumulation, rent seeking, capitalism, techno-feudalism, whatever you want to call it. it preys on our fulfillment at seeing lines go up. it conveys power to those of us most capable at making lines go up.

a metric can never capture goodness, or beauty. there is no metric which, on its own, is sufficient to allow universal morality to hinge upon its continual increasing. the world, the universe as we live in it and know it, is a constant flux, it breathes: expanding, contracting, always. since i was young, i’ve never believed in a god, but the idea of the expanding and contracting of the universe as analogous to the breathing lungs of a god as being the reality we live has been inescapable.

i have nothing else but this angst, currently. 

everything is insufficient, so far. no process, no belief, all eventually run up against a situation where they prove insufficient at providing an answer, or worse, provide an answer which causes pain. 

from this, do we maintain the path, forever carrying the weight that at any point it may cause us to hurt ourselves or others, or do we jump to a new path? do we trudge through as many disparate paths as possible, hoping that if we’ve devoted ourselves to the construction of wide webs of heuristic knowledge, we’ll be able to find connecting patterns across them all which we can give to others. that we can increase the possibility space of human thought, action, possibility, and reach something better than this?

do we continue to love, despite the fact that sharing our most intimate fears, desires, embarrassments, leaves us necessarily vulnerable to having those secrets break containment in a moment of carelessness on the part of our beloved? 

of course we do. my instinct is to try and justify the act of loving from first principles. i do not want to do that today, so instead i'll just say that we should love to understand each other. we should give ourselves not just to the euphoria of knowing and being known, but also to the inevitability of crushing pains and betrayals, so we may know and comfort others. experience everything, so you may empathize with everyone.

living is not conscious-reminiscence is. i believe this, now. i may not believe this tomorrow. belief is a shaky thing right now. 

i’ve often dreamed of living forever. free from the restrictions of time, i escape into the fantasy of being able to study to my heart’s content. i want to spend my days reading, thinking, writing, and being good to the people in my life. nothing else really matters to me, at this point. even making “good” art is something i’ve sort of given up on. i’ll keep making stuff until i die, but i can’t care if it’s good. i don’t control whether or not it’s good. the process of creation necessitates that my relationship to my own work isolates me from those who experience it. i can never experience it how they can.

i won't live forever. i'll live imperfectly, die imperfectly, and hopefully contribute something to this world in a way which honors the grace i have been given, while doing my best to give that same grace to others.

anyhow, play rain world if you get the chance. it gave me this, it'll give you something Else.

[steezywrites]

The Crown Of The Morally Grey

part 5

Another part! sorry this took a few days! I've started writing on my computer instesd of my phone which takes me a bit longer as on my phone i can write constantly throughout the day. I hope you enjoy! Same warnings always for this story!

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King’s Cross as significantly less busy than it had been previous years, something Y/n had realized was becoming a trend wherever she went. Even the muggle population had declined. The Muggle news had become appallingly aware of the up spike in seemingly random murders. The Deatheaters had made it clear they didn’t want to be in the dark anymore and killing Muggles had become a convenient pastime for them. Please the Dark Lord and fulfill their sadistic hobby, a win-win in their views. The few Muggles she did see had enough luggage on them it was safe to assume they were moving out of the city. It wouldn’t help them any. Draco had been keeping his eyes down the entire time, brows slightly furrowed. His tidy black suit and snowy hair were a startling contrast to the bags under his hollow eyes. His mother was much the same besides the fact that her worried eyes stayed on Draco. Not only did Draco’s chances of success affect her only son, but her husband and herself as well. Y/n had wanted to assure her that she’d make sure everything would be alright for the Malfoys, but anytime she spoke, Narcissa gave her the same worried expression. Narcissa had become a motherly figure to Y/n over the years and the feeling was mutual. Y/n had overheard Narcissa referring to the two young Slytherins as “our kids” when speaking to Lucius Malfoy worriedly the previous night. Lucius hadn't seemed nearly as worried, sure his son would see the mission through and that, “The Snape girl is much more competent then her father.”

Severus Snape had been brought into conversation a few times, but Y/n didn’t have much to offer in terms of discussing her father. She’d only seen him a handful of times since The Vow, and only for a few silent minutes each time. He’d been increasingly difficult to read as the time to return to Hogwarts approached. Normally she could gather at least a hunch as to what he was feeling, but lately he’d been a blank state, glancing between Draco and Y/n before starring at nothing out a window and leaving to do whatever was taking up all of this time. Y/n had the gut feeling that nothing in particular was holding his attention besides getting out of the house and ignoring her as much as possible. Even though her hypothesis made her stomach drop, it felt right. Severus had never been the most attentive father; she wasn’t even sure of the last time they had a normal conversation. Her summers were spent at the Malfoys and outside of the classroom, she didn’t speak to him much at school.

Walking between platform 9 and 10 unnoticed was easier than usual, any muggle who could possibly see them was preoccupied with getting their families quickly on their train. As the Malfoys and Y/n got onto 9 3/4th, the brilliant red train took up most of Y/n’s vision. It somehow managed to still look as bright and full of life as it always had even as the rest of the world was smothered in the dread that hung in the air. Y/n turned to Narcissa to give her goodbyes and was pulled into a hug.

“Take care of the both of you.” Narcissa whispered in a broken voice. “I will.” “I know it will probably come down to you, he doesn’t have it in him despite what he and Lucius say. Be careful dear.” Narcissa pulled away and gave a sad smile before turning to give Draco his goodbyes.

As much as Y/n wanted to believe Draco when he said he didn’t need any help, she’d already been preparing herself for killing Albus Dumbledore. Killing someone had to change you, didn’t it? Especially someone like Dumbledore; someone people looked to and found hope through. Unlike most people, Y/n knew Dumbledore wasn’t a textbook good guy. Knowledge and the greater good was far more important to him than individual lives, and Y/n was planning on killing him for the exact opposite reasons. Dumbledore’s death would surely be another push towards Voldemort’s reign, but it would mean Draco didn’t have to die, and selfishly, she was okay with that. She’d wondered what it would mean for her future. Voldemort would probably praise her if he knew she was the one to end the only wizard who could possibly hold him back, she’d be welcomed by his side with open arms, most likely promised whatever she wanted. It was a tempting thought, but it didn’t matter. This was for Draco and his mother.

Draco grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the Hogwarts Express, dragging her down the corridor until familiar faces sat in a compartment appeared. Y/n gave a small smile before sitting across from Pansy Parkinson, a girl who Y/n had never been able to decide how she felt about. Pansy had made her interest in Draco well known since first year. She followed him around like a puppy, even managed to have a fling with him a few times, but Y/n never found herself annoyed with Pansy for it. Part of her liked the girl and knew she’d do just about anything Draco asked of her. Pansy had proven herself useful to Draco, and helped take carer of him when it was called for. In third year when Draco had been scratched by a Hippogriff and was being far too dramatic about for Y/n to deal with, Pansy was there- fueling his massive ego- but there to comfort him, nonetheless. She’d also gone to the kitchens to get him soup when he was sick and studying with him for classes Y/n didn’t take. Last year, Pansy had seemed fully invested in whatever Y/n and Draco’s relationship was, staying up late to hear whatever juicy information Y/n had to tell about their interactions. Y/n had expected Parkinson to be jealous, but she’d happily become some kind of Wingman and was just happy to hear Draco seemed happy. Pansy genuinely cared for Draco, and Y/n had an appreciation for it, despite not being the fondest of the fact that whenever Draco was around Pansy he begged for an ego boost even more than usual.

Draco looked angrier than usual as they sat. The worried, distanced look he had earlier in the day now replaced with a kind if anger and determination Y/n hadn’t seen all summer. Perhaps whatever his mother had said to him was driving it, or the fact that they were on their way to Hogwarts really made what they had to do kick him in a different direction. It was almost calming to Y/n, he was exuding what she felt, and depressed, worried Draco wasn’t nearly as fun to be around.

”Hogwarts…what a said excuse for a school. I’d throw myself off the astronomy tower if it meant I had to continue for another two years.” Draco glared, but Y/n saw him nervously playing with his fingers under the table.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Pansy asked in a whispered tone, slightly leaning forward.

“Let’s just say I don’t think you won’t see me wasting my time in Charms class next year.” Draco had hate in his voice. Blaise smiled and scoffed softly; Y/n narrowed her eyes at him.

“You amused, Blaise?” She asked him, cocking her head to the side and giving him a warning smile.

“We’ll see just who’s laughing in the end.” She continued, grabbing Draco’s hand and offering him a smirk. Draco nodded before glancing upwards and nudging her.

Y/n saw it, the smallest movement of the bag on the rack above them. It was too subtle to be a spell anyone had conjured and was clearly not meant to be noticed. Most of the rest of the ride was used to discuss upcoming classes and plan Hogsmeade trips. Y/n didn’t interact with the other Slytherin’s as much as she usually did, instead watching Draco who only offered the occasional complaint or insult towards the Professors, glancing up at the bag rack every now and then. It was rather difficult for Y/n to hide the anger or amusement she felt towards whoever was trying to eavesdrop on them. Draco had seemed to know who it was, and that brought her some kind of peace. Draco knew, and he would know how to handle it most likely, besides, if he didn’t, Y/n would figure it out. When the train stopped, Pansy and Blaise waited for their companions to follow as they got up, but Draco sat quietly, and Y/n gave them a small smile.

“You two go on, I want a moment with Draco.” She gave a small wink to Pansy who gave a small smile back that begged to be filled in later on that night before she and Blaise left. Draco stood once all the other students had gotten off and shut the door to the car train and bewitched the blinds to all close. Y/n sat and watched, intrigued.

“Didn’t mommy ever tell you it was rude to eavesdrop Potter?” Draco sneered before aiming his wand at the above rack. “Petrificus Totalus!”

A loud thub was heard as a mass fell off the rack and onto the floor besides Y/n, she stood and stepped over the eavesdropper. Of course, it had been Harry Potter. No one else was obsessed with Draco and Y/n enough to do such a thing. Him seeing them go into Borgin and Burkes would only make him more annoying this year. Draco ripped a piece of fabric off of Potter, his famous invisibility cloak surely. Potter was frozen, incapable of moving due to the spell Draco had casted. Y/n kneeled down to Potter and smiled.

“Oh yeah, she was dead before you could wipe the drool off your chin.” Y/n ignored Draco’s comment, her own mother also dying when she was a toddler. Y/n looked down at Potter, a smirk on her lips.

“How’d that go for you? Another plan of Potter’s backfired.” She teased before walking over him again to stand next to Draco. She gave Harry another glance, before slamming her foot onto his nose, grabbing Draco’s hand and pulling him out of the train.

[yoursome1-rbwebb]

Caught in Haze by R. B. Webb

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Chapter 3

Before the last class of the day, my best friend Casey Hunt and I decided to clean out our lockers. She has been my rock for the last four years. I have no idea what I’d have done without her.

We became friends after a poorly timed joke about dead parents. I say poorly timed because it happened on the day after my dad's funeral. And even though I don’t remember the joke itself, I know it must have been good because the rest of the class, including the teacher, were shocked to silence waiting for my reaction. Everyone but Casey. She sat there oblivious, laughing at her joke. 

When she realized what she had done seconds later, I watched her face screw into a grimace and her face flushed a deep red from her embarrassment. Her reaction was even funnier than the joke had been, and I burst into laughter. I surprised not only her but everyone else in that room. We’ve been friends ever since.

The more Casey and I hung out, the more we got to know each other. We both were dealing with absent parent issues, which pretty much solidified our bond. 

If her parents were fighting or having parties with people that creeped her out, she’d come to my house to escape. If my mom was holed up in her room for days on end, she’d come to my house to keep me company. She lived on my couch for the majority of the first three years of high school. Her parents never even noticed she was gone when she was at my place. That made it easy for her to be there all the time. We helped each other through those darker times.

My mom also didn't notice she was there at first. She was so lost in her grief that I don’t think she could tell us apart in those first few months. When she finally did notice, Casey had already integrated herself into every aspect of our lives and my mom didn’t bat an eye. She just took her in, no questions asked.

Eventually, she got tired of Casey sleeping on the couch. Last summer, she turned her home office into a room for Casey. The day her bed was placed in the room was the last day Casey slept anywhere else.

I like to think that hearing me and Casey fill the house with noise helped my mom break through all that silence. That's why she just accepts Casey as another daughter; because she is thankful for her. I am, too. Casey made sure I didn’t feel so alone. I think I was the same thing for her.

"I can't believe I'm about to clean out my locker for the last time," Casey said dramatically as she leaned against her locker next to mine.

"I know. It's kinda sad and awesome at the same time." I said, grinning back at her. I turned to open my locker and she did the same.

"I don't understand why we even had to go to class today." Casey groaned.

I watched as she shoved random books and papers haphazardly into her bag with a frown on my face. She is probably the single most disorganized and carefree person I know. And yet she’s still the smartest person I know, too. The contrast has always been one of her most endearingly annoying qualities.

I have to work hard and stay organized to maintain my grades. Casey doesn’t even study and manages to be the smartest person in the room. That includes the teachers. She even got a full-ride scholarship to Hudson University, one of the top schools in the country. We’ll be going there together, but she’s not the reason why I chose to go. 

At least that's what I tell her. 

"I agree. It's not like we learned anything." I shrugged and neatly tucked everything left from my locker into my bag.

"At least we have a massive party to look forward to tonight." She grinned, nudging my shoulder with hers. I looked over at her and her maniacal smirk.

Somehow, the valedictorian is a bad influence. Or rather, a fun influence.

"What party?" I asked, rolling my eyes with a smile. 

I am usually the voice of reason in this friendship. But once in a while, I let Casey talk me into something stupid… Like going to a high school party that will most likely end with the cops showing up.

She didn't answer me. Instead, her grin widened as she looked at something behind me.

"Well hello there!" She said sweetly to whoever it was. 

I turned around quickly to see who Casey was suddenly so interested in.

The first thing I saw was a flash of gold and my body instantly froze.

Previous | Next

[callsignyours]

I started hanging out with my friends again. Almost weekly; biweekly, even. Weekends have plans again. My hair is blonde. I turned 27. I've been weirdly into rewatching random episodes of Emily in Paris. I bought the workbook of the self-help book you recommended. I'm eating well, but I no longer hydrate as much as I used to. I extended my contract til August. I'm going to the Philippines in February to meet up with both my parents. I'll be applying to grad school in the spring, and I really hope I get into the online program I was looking at in Albany. I don't think the summer will come any quicker, but I'm happy to let the time pass. I've realized in the past month how much I love living here. After my contract's done, I'm going to be moving to Australia for a few months. I'm sure I'll come back to San Diego at some point, but you and I both know returning to the States was something I always deigned to do. I still have your sweater. I should post that back to you. But I'm also debating on getting Dan to give it back to you. The ring that you bought me broke 30 minutes before I rang in my birthday and I got really sad. But I've always found signs in everything, so... Yeah. I'm feeling more like myself again, and it's sad, because I feel like 26 was a blur. I wish she had been real and I wish she had stayed, for your sake, because I know you loved her a lot. And she loved you too. A friend helped me put into words what I could have possibly felt and that was, that I felt the need to push myself into this hyperfeminine trad-femme space to further validate your trans-masculinity. I think they were right. Because I loved you. Of course, I wanted you to see you as you. As yourself. Then for me, I just thought... it was easier to neglect my identity since I wasn't passing as anything else other than feminine anyway. And of course, there were the things you said that you didn't remember saying anymore that made me afraid to say or do anything remotely masculine. Sigh. We weren't going to work. As much as we daydreamed about it and maybe even really believed we would, we couldn't have. The self-help book has been incredibly eye-opening. But everytime I open it and work on it, I still just remember you saying that I'm too unhealthy to be with you. I will take full accountability for the rest of my life that I was the one who cheated and ruined the relationship. But a statement like that is something I will never recover from. Thank you for everything and seeing the light in me until I burst. I am sorry I hurt you. But you hurt me too.

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, July 31st, 2024.

Do you ever wonder how Atheist people raise their kids? Not really…? I wasn't raised by atheists, but religion didn't play a huge role in my upbringing. We went to church occasionally and I did attend a Catholic elementary school (mainly because it offered all-day kindergarten and my parents preferred that; I transferred to a public school after 3rd grade because tuition became too expensive), but that's basically the extent of it. I don't ever feel like I was forced to believe in any particular thing. I guess I just assumed that - minus my church and school experiences - most atheist approaches to raising children would be relatively similar. Now, if we're talking strictly atheist the way some people are strictly religious, then I might wonder… Like, could it have the opposite effect of driving someone toward religion/spirituality rather than away from it?

If you’re atheist, would you raise you kids believing in God or not? I'm not atheist and I don't plan on ever having children, but hypothetically speaking, I would allow them to explore the possibilities and come to their own conclusions.

How long does it usually take you to finish answering a survey? Sometimes it takes me an embarrassingly (almost ridiculously) long time. I have to sit and ponder. Then I have to figure out how I want to word things. Then I have to hate what I said and go back and reword it. Then I have to post it…reread it…and go back and correct all of my inevitable typos. :')

Do you spell it gray or grey? Gray.

If you make surveys, how do you decide about its title? It's been a long time since I last made a survey. I think I used to use song lyrics or try to sound deep or poetic. Then I got lazy and just started calling them some variation of "random survey."

When are you going back to school? I don't know if I will ever go back to school; but if I did, then I would probably study to become a vet tech.

If you don’t go to school anymore, what do you do? I volunteer at an animal shelter (basically full time now).

Do you care about other people’s status messages? I guess it depends on how much I care about the person and how much I relate to what they're saying. If it's someone I don't know very well talking about something I know equally little about, then probably not. I'm happy they're happy, but I don't really care.

Do you like reading self-help books? Very occasionally…? I tend to engage well with self-help books (or videos) that have a Buddhist approach. For whatever reason, that just works well with my brain's wiring.

What is your opinion on sex change? I don't really have one beyond if it's what you want to do, then go for it. It's your life, your body, and your choice.

Do you think that this will take away the essence of gay pride? No? I'm trans, but I can't see how my experience with gender identity and navigating my own romantic relationships takes anything away from…well, anyone, tbh. I mean, at the end of the day, isn't it less about this mysterious "essence" of gay pride and more about finding someone you can love…? I realize this is a controversial subject, but I don't look at my personal relationships as some sort of expression of activism. It's just me trying to live my life.

What do you do when you tell a really bad joke? With my dad, it's fine. Everything between us is a bad joke. In other social situations...probably wish I was dead.

If you’re still a virgin, how important is your virginity to you? I'm not a virgin.

If you have lost it already, do you regret it? No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. There are pros/cons, but if I found the right person, then it is something that I would like to do.

Do you like having a huge group of friends or would you rather have few close friends? I think a few close friends and a large circle of acquaintances would make me happiest.

Do you have any goals for this summer? If so, what are they? Continue to increase my time at the animal shelter. Get out to the Mountain Park more often. Keep working on my art. Develop a stronger work/life balance, especially now that I'm going to be spending so much time there.

Or do you plan on getting a summer job? Or do you already have one? See above.

If so, where do you work and what do you do? I gave a rundown of my daily work routine in a recent survey.

Do you watch the TV show Skins? If so, who’s your favorite character? No.

And which generation do you prefer? Or do you equally love both? N/a.

Do you know someone who still typpe thiszz wayy? I don't.

Would you take a break after graduating from high school (like, postpone going to college for a year or so)? I didn't take a break. If I could go back and do it all over again, though, then I probably would. College was a hot mess.

Do you feel tired after stretching? No.

Can you get a strike at bowling? I have before.

Do you use Facebook? If so, what is your favorite application there? I don't.

It seems like everyone’s addicted to Twitter these days - are you? I was addicted to Twitter around 2020-2021. I was heavily invested in the political scene. However, at some point, something inside me just snapped. I realized I was wasting my time with ineffective anger rather than figuring out my own damn life (which was in a pretty sorry state, I must say). I still stayed somewhat addicted to other forms of political media (mainly on YT), but eventually it got to where I felt like I was in some sort of Plato's Cave situation, and I knew I needed to go out into the world and form my own opinions rather than have them screamed at me from a screen. "See with eyes unclouded by hate," if you will. ;D The world isn't necessarily any less fvcked up than the internet said it was, but at least I don't have a sense of DOOM blaring in my head all the time. I can compartmentalize my own life away from everything else and have a good, albeit somewhat ignorant and detached existence. Like, I've been checked out of politics for about a year now and my bubble has more or less become the animal shelter, home, and various errands/outings. Perhaps this is selfish, but man…life is so fleeting. I don't want to fix the world; I'll just endure it, die, and it'll all be over. I trust those who are interested to either fix it or fvck it up without me. It's whatever.

[worldofroma]

July 29th, 2023 Saturday - 10:39pm

it’s been a long time. over a month. but i want to dedicate more of my life to journaling and writing than i have been. this summer has been very lazy and sloppy for me so far, i want to change that before school begins.

a lot has gone on even though i said i’ve been lazy. i met a new friend, a coworker friend. a friend of the opposite gender. for some reason, that automatically means we are “friends with benefits” or something like that to everyone outside of the friendship. i find that unnecessary. he has a girlfriend. well, at this point, he had a girlfriend. they broke up because she believes we did something behind her back despite my desperate attempts to befriend her as well, but we never got the chance to spend time together like he and i did. all we ever did anyways was smoke and walk around talking about the most random shit that the weed brought to our minds. it was relaxing. because we all work together, it caused quite the gossip and i was stuck right in the middle. but i didn’t blame anyone for that, i would be mad too if my boyfriend was running off to get high with some other bitch. she thought i hated her, i didn’t. i don’t normally feel that strongly towards others unless they have given me a reason to hate them forever and always. but this was not the case. after they broke up (a few days ago…) he moved away to another city, but we are still in contact. that is all i will explain on that topic.

on another note, i think there may be some kind of issue within my personality and who i see myself as vs who i really am as a person. a few nights ago, i had a conversation with this guy about who i am. he told me something along the lines of “i’m convinced that you may have some sort of secret self hiding beneath whatever it is you’re showing me now and at some point in our friendship, the real you will jump out at me without any warning and i’ll just have to deal with it.” what does that even mean? not only that, but a couple weeks ago at the beach, my step dad told me he wouldn’t doubt if i was some kind of closeted psychopath given he’s known me for almost five years and still barely knows a thing about me with how often i isolate myself willingly. i was told i have a way of manipulating conversations that allows me to make the other person taking part in dialogue with me say something without them actually having the intention of saying it. like i pressure them to admit something or say something without actually doing so. but i didn’t know i could do that. i do have strong intuition and i can always catch how people usually work up to some kind of main topic when having a lengthy conversation with them whether it’s some kind of news they’re telling me, a confession they’re making, or anything they’re hesitant to just say without explanation. i’m guessing with that ability of mine, i speed up the process through my way of words without even realizing it. not to say i’m some kind of “master manipulator” because that’s cringe as hell, but i don’t even realize i’m doing it and it’s somehow done so well that it works every-time.

another topic. i’m changing my name. i was given the opportunity to change my last name from my fathers to my mothers a few years ago and my mother lost the papers. i was furious. now, my step dad (who got us the paperwork) told me that he would help find the paperwork to allow me to change my last name, but i told them both in changing my full name whether they like it or not. my real name is not something i’ll share on here, but i will say i don’t find that it suits me at all. maybe my younger self, but not anymore. i talked to my friend about it and she told me that she thinks it’s odd, she can’t see me as anyone else other than my actual name. but i can. and so can my new coworker/friend. he told me he thinks i can make the best choice for myself regardless of what other say about my decisions. i appreciated that a lot. for just over a year now, i’ve been wearing a bracelet my mother got me from italy that says “ROMA” with a heart on either side of the word. i haven’t taken it off since she gave it to me. something about it gives me comfort and having to take it off for work angers me. the sudden thought that i may have lost is actually makes my heart stop for a second. i need it. so i’ve decided i’m going to change my name to roma. roma, h-m (those two letters being for my mothers last name and my step dads last name). and i don’t care what others think of me, the people i know now can call me by my birth name, i don’t mind. it’s not some kind of deadname, i just prefer to introduce myself as roma to people i meet in the future. it allows me to be the person i want to be without having my old self clinging on for dear life like it has been, dragging me down for years.

on the topic of my future, i’ve decided exactly what i’d like to be when i’m older. a forensic psychologist. not necessarily to help people, although that is a factor, but also to deal with the crazy fucked up people in the world and try to get an understanding on why they are the way they are. i want to be just like harleen quinzel. best part is, i think my very first test subject might just be my joker. anyways, it will take a lot of time in school, but during that time i will be continuing to journal as well by going out on campus or even just in the city, taking time to interview people at random and asking them just to talk to me about whatever they want. i’d even pay them for an hour of their time just to explain to me whatever they’d like. a story, how their days going, a theory they have, their past, what they plan on getting at the grocery store later that day. i don’t care. i want to write about random people, just like reporters would write about an interview with a celebrity, but this allows people to understand that we don’t need to be idolizing the famous people of the world and being the only thing we focus on, everyone around us is a person going through their own issues too and they deserve to have light brought to them. i’d post it on a blog or whatever it is i use at that point in my life to publish the stories i collect and let the “patient” decide whether or not to remain anonymous or if they even want it shared at all. once i’ve graduated and get a job, i’ll further advance that journalism into the people i work with as a forensic psychologist, studying the patients i work with and writing all about it to help find cures or ways to help those with serious mental health issues. it’s a win-win.

in the end, this past month has been very busy yet very lazy at the same time. bush in terms of ideas and thoughts and plans i have for myself, but lazy physically. oh well, it doesn’t matter. i’m finding myself and that’s all that matters.

**i’ve decided to start adding some photos i take between the times i update this journal

[zerobaseonefics]

YOURE UNBELIABELE… i dont really remember what i wrote but i chose the university in england and im working now full time and longer so i can get more money and this week is my last week and im getting my 2nd payment next week (i already got 1100€ and next week i will get 900-1000€) + i still tutor these kids and then next week im flying to turkiye and im searching now for jobs i can do online like translating soemthing etc so i can earn money there too and i found an apartment for £1600 i dont remember im too lazy to check the price again but it has 2 roots so its really cheap as for london and i will find a roommate so it will be even cheaper + it looks pretty there icl

yes i love jakey even more for this🤭🤭 I LOVE GUNWOOK SO MUCH I THINK I WILL START CRYING AND TAERAE OMG😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 IM SO SAD THAT I LOVE THEM ALL LIKE HEESEUNG JAKE GUNWOOK ARE SUCH PERFECT BOYFRIENDS AND ITS NOT BAD THAT I HAVE 3 BOYFRIENDS ITS NORMAL BUT OMG I THINK I WILL HAVE EVEN MORE BOYFRIENDS BUT I CANT LIKE WHAT ABOUT HEESEUNG JAKE SND GUNWOOK?? stop

bark for me kitten😜 IDOLS GET ASKED TO BARK?? WTF‼️‼️ and i dont believe that u didnt bark for shanbin. you were probably thinking sbout him and then just started barking snd this is your only excuse.

NO CUZ THE SONGS ARE SO GOOD BUT ONLY IN BLOOM AND NEW KIDZ ON THE BLOCK MADE IT TO MY PLAYLIST (im sorry i love the other songs too but i wouldnt listen to them on like daily basis yk i would listen cd but not spotify ykyk) which one is haos solo tho🤨🤨 WAIT I FOUND IT ITS ALWAYS OMG ITS SO GOOD ALSO GONNA ADD IT TO MY PLAYLIST‼️‼️ why isnt hot summer and jelly pop on the album tho😐😐😐😐 (update i finally didnt add it to my playlist because i rislike the beginning)

NO CUZ UESTERDAY IT WAS SUPER SUPER HOT AND ON SSTURDAY AS WELL I CANT WHY IS IT SUDDENLY SO HOT (I LITERALLY SAW 38°C IN OUR CAR ON SATURDAY)

i love lying to kids/people on roblox and to my friends irl 🤭🤭

and girl you done even knoe how to write/make/do a heart😐😐

explain. i want a valid reason. i dont accept anything like „omg the 2 is next to the 3 so i accidentally pressed the 2” or „im blind”

#furry #acceptfurryplural #furrypride

btw i took screenshots of this so if you delete it again(🙄🙄) i will be able to send it to you eith no problem🥰🥰😇😇

kitten bark for me meowwww woof woof meoww grrrrrr woof meow 🥺🤍🫶🥺

AHHHHH im so happy u can move to england !!!! you'll be in london from what i understand? it's so cool that you'll be in such a big city, it'll be easier for you to find ur marks and find easily things to help you everyday

enjoy your trip to turkiye 🤭

NO BUT PURE HOW ABOUT YOU STOP BOYFRIENDING RANDOM IDOLS AND START BOYFRIENDING PPL IN REAL LIFE 👹 YOU CANNOT BOYFRIEND EVERYONE IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA

I DIDNT NOT BARK FOR SHANBIN OK U CAN EVEN ASK TO TJE PPL WHO WERE IN THE CALL 🤬🤬🤬🤬

i SEE WHAT U MEZN...... like the songs r good but im sorry it was boring asf i will probably listen to in bloom only 🙏🏼

for some reasons boys/girls planet groups dont get the mission songs in the debut album like produce groups used to...... kinda sad abt it ngl i wanted my kep1 u+me=love version

STFU LEAVZ MY FLOP HEART ALONE OKAY?? I JUST TYPED QUICKLY AND DIDNT REALIZE I PUT A 2 INSTRAD OF A 3

thanks for taking measures for me in case i accidentally flop again 🙏🏼

[izzabeean]

Chapter 13 : Shameless

pairing : fushiguro toji x fem!reader

warnings/tags : 18+, alternate universe - office, eventual romance, explicit language.

genre : angst + fluff + smut

word count : 2,279

a/n : Sorry, this chapter took so long. I finished the month of August with a bang (my days were encapsulated by brain fog and recovering from the endless scorching heat of summer). I don't mean to be that person, but I am so excited for autumn. I want to wear pants and hoodies and live my best life while staying cozy.

Also, I hate to admit it, but writing for Toji is very difficult. I find it hard to sit down and write a chapter in the mindset of a man (though it's super fun to be writing a more emotional role for him compared to other stories).

Your comments have been so helpful in driving this series forward and I appreciate every single one of you who has decided to read this series!

So without further adieu, here's chapter 13. I hope you like it!

18+ minors dni!!!

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The closing of personal space. The touching. The lip biting. The obvious flirting. Everything about this interaction seemed shallower than all the others. Perhaps it was the excessive cleavage peaking from her unbuttoned blouse that made her intentions less mysterious. Or perhaps it could have been the exhausting comments about how she's just like one of the guys. Something about her just didn't seem exciting. The constant blabbering as she tried to push some dirty banter only makes him realize how thirsty she was for attention. Always licking her lips before taking a sip of her drink, her sultry eyes never parting from Toji's gaze... 

Collectively, she blended in along with the rest. Happy to get the attention of a well-built stud. Excited to have her drinks paid for. Ecstatic to fill in the gap of another lonely night because she has the pleasure of fucking him. And god was she truly lucky. However, he couldn't take all the credit. The continuous rounds of whisky definitely helped him ignore the guilt building inside him. It also swayed his decision to leave with her.

As he saunters out of the bar, she clings to his arm with her full body weight against his side. Obviously, she’s had too much, but so has he. He finds his strides aren't grounded like usual and he stumbles trying to gain his balance. It’s strange how liquored he is. The normal drunk he gets is enough that he can still take control of himself and yet now it all feels much more different. It feels desperate. A call for some sort of attention. And he can only assume it's the gut-hurt feeling he received after your rejection.

You.

If you saw him right now, you’d be so disappointed with a disgusted smirk dressing your lips. He’s a failure and you know it. Frankly, he believes even the strangers walking past him on the street know it too. So he raises his arm to hail a cab and get the fuck out of here. He’s had enough of everyone’s judgmental stares – it’s not even their right to judge, they don’t know him, they don’t know the shit he’s been through or the past couple of days he’s had. And neither did you.

Again, you.

You must have some sort of wicked power to take up this much space in his mind. Even with an appetizing woman leaning at his side. What the fuck have you done to him to make him crave you this much?

A taxi pulls up to the curb and Toji tries to ignore the regret of what’s to come. But a burning sensation in the back of his head stops him in his tracks as he slowly turns around wondering if someone is watching him. Down the sidewalk, under the dim streetlights, a woman pushes a man away with a grunt. The man doesn’t take well of her actions and chases after. The flashback of your altercation with the random man the other night mixes in with reality giving Toji difficulty distinguishing between what’s fake and what’s real. Yet before it’s even possible to realize the difference, his body urges him to take action. He pries himself free from the woman occupying his arm, cutting out the vicious yelling from behind. And he doesn't look back to explain himself because he doesn't dare to lose sight of you. 

Approaching closer and closer, he can’t gauge what’s going on, feeling his footing start to slip. He had to make it over there though, he had to save you. Trying to thrust himself forward with the searing feeling of anguish pumping through his veins, this weird excitement riles up inside of him. He’s dizzy and the world seems to spin in all directions.

Fuck, he shouldn’t have had that much to drink.

And with that though, his legs collapse and he finds his cheek pressed up against the cold hard pavement.

God, he was such an idiot.

    It's times like these that darkness takes over. It wasn't difficult for it to because it was just so easy to give in to its deception. There was this warmth and familiarity that Toji couldn't quite explain beyond that. His morals never seemed to be challenged, instead, it felt like some sort of praise. But tonight, it seemed so much more than just darkness. No time or place. No peace. No ideal fantasy. Just vast emptiness.

Corrupt from the hopelessness and depression that holds him down by the memories left by her . The act of grace is extinct from his life. Her warm embrace left behind a cold eccentric body with a fading soul. And it’s because of those memories, he must punish himself – it’s the only thing he knows to do in times of weakness. He's just a plague… 

And it’s because of this, he sees nothingness stretch around him for miles. The landscape once alive in his dreams was replaced with an empty void. He strives to feel something again, forcing his mind to jolt back the memory, but no matter how hard he tries, the darkness only seems to swallow him deeper. Whispers from the shadows hiss, scratching at his skin as he turns in search of what’s responsible. He reaches into the void looking for answers. His pride, anger, an resentment washes over him in seconds.

His throat tightens as the heaviness pushes him father, his existence begins to crumble caught in between existing and non-existing. Darkness devours him as anxiety and anguish build in him. And he takes his last breath.

    A big gulp of air wakes him up, his eyes flashing open, looking for you frantically. Yet he finds himself in the passenger seat of a car. He tries to move but notices his body aches and his head is pounding with pain.

“Have any dreams, sleeping beauty?”

A familiar voice teases and Toji tenses in his seat before straightening up. He looks over to see Gojo driving the prestige vehicle, eyes covered with dark round shades.

“What the fuck–” 

“Don’t stress! Your friend asked me to do you a favor,” Gojo says, not even taking his gaze off the road to look at Toji.

Friend? The term stuns Toji, he doesn’t even know what kind of friend was there. The sound of traffic fills the background as he tries to press himself for an answer. He doesn't remember much, except the last moment of trying to get to you. Of course, maybe the friend was you.

“Average build man… Short black hair… Thin mustache…” Gojo describes noticing Toji’s unawareness of who it was that saved him.

Toji recognizes the description, frankly forgetting Kong was even at the bar in the first place. Kong's existence totally faded into the background after the number of drinks Toji had. And of course, he was still watching, that was the kind of friend Kong was, always looking out for Toji even when he never asked him to. 

“He couldn’t believe how much you drank,” Gojo says. “I didn’t really expect you to be a lightweight.”

He wasn’t though. He just had that much. And could have had more if his wallet didn’t run so dry. Only pieces of his memory seam together as he thinks back to earlier that evening. The image of you pushing a man back resurfaces but Toji finds it hard to think beyond blacking out. 

“Where's Y/N?” Toji asks checking the backseat for another passenger.

Gojo pauses, a tension filling the air with bitterness. “God, you were that fucking wasted?” He murmurs between his teeth.

“Is she alright?” Toji asks, choosing to ignore Gojo's remark.

“She’s fine,” Gojo says. “Doesn’t even know about your episode.”

Just another word for sad and pathetic – Toji wasn’t stupid. Of course, Gojo would think so. It’s not like he was hiding how pitiful he is. Maybe if you were there, he wouldn’t have fallen so far. But it’s full of him to even think that you’d even stop him from existing the way he always has.

“Then who–”

The scene flashes before his eyes: the woman, the man, the push. It wasn’t you. The event Toji thought that was happening in front of him was only a figment of his imagination. No, just some random couple having an altercation because the woman wanted to go home, but the man wanted to continue his night out. He groans clasping his palm to his forehead. Remembering was always so painful.

Gojo glances over quickly, bright eyes peering above his glasses. “Do I need to jog your memory?”

“No,” Toji replies. Stern and done with that conversation, not really wanting to share with someone like Gojo.

So he looks out the window watching unfamiliar buildings pass by with lights illuminating the dark streets. His eyes search for the slightest tinge of recognition in the area, but no street sign nor crack in the pavement can even help him distinguish where he could be. Quickly, he scans the cabin for a digital clock to note what time it is. 1:04 AM.

“You fucking kidnapping me,” Toji asks in an attempt to be nonchalant but the fact he doesn’t know where he is mean he might have to beat up this guy once the car stops.

Gojo lets out a soft chuckle. It’s dry and unfriendly, even more revealing of his motivation. It’s almost evil from Toji’s point of view.“

"We’re just taking a little detour before I drop you off.” His voice is friendly and warm, but Toji knows that’s the game he’s playing.

“What kinda good chat happens at 1 in the mornin’?” Toji asks, sarcasm dripping off his tongue.

“Mm –” Gojo hums. “A short one, just so I know we are on the same page.”

 Toji snorts, “We barely know each other. Why would I want to be on the same page as you?”

 “Because it has to do with your little crush.”

Gojo’s words are clear as crystal, reverbing in Toji’s mind. It’s most likely the alcohol still pumping through him and a sprinkle of anxiety from being in a vulnerable situation. 

 “Y/N is going through some… changes right now,” Gojo continues. “Having a new job can be stressful, because she’s managing new people, getting accustomed to new responsibilities. And I just want her surrounded by good people.”

“ Good people ?” Toji repeats as if he didn’t hear Gojo clear enough. 

“Good people.” Gojo pauses for effect making Toji wait before he picks up the conversation. “People who are trying to progress through life to better themselves. That aren’t out drinking every day after work. That don’t get fired from their job for jerking off in the closet.”

Toji read Gojo's message clearly. But Toji wouldn't say he's the only bad influence on you. Obviously, Gojo missed the part about you sleeping with Kaito. You aren’t much pleasant either, nor the perfect snowflake that Gojo is proclaiming you as. It just sounds like Gojo doesn't like Toji because he's intimidated. 

“I’m sure she’s old enough to make those decisions on her own,” Toji says.

“You would think so, but when you’re a woman of her caliber and looks, it can be hard to distinguish the good from the bad.”

Toji pauses for a moment, only the sound of traffic filling the silence between the two. This is just ridiculous, to say the least, to have someone he barely knows to tell him he’s basically a useless bad influence on another adult. This guy is obviously insane to be that controlling over you. Now he really, really doesn’t understand why you keep Gojo around. It must be that you’ve never seen this side of him or you’re absolutely delusional.

“So you’re understanding me?”

 Toji scoffs. “Why do I care about what some low-life has to say to me?”

“Tsk– tsk, if only you could hear yourself,” Gojo says. “I guess you could say this is just a warning.”

The car starts to pull into a familiar neighborhood again and Toji finally knows where he is.

“I’d be more careful now that I know where you live,” Gojo’s voice turns low and sly, contrasting to the fun, bubbly attitude he started out with. “Besides, I don’t think you’d want Y/N to see how out of luck you are.” 

They crawl through the dingy streets. Darkness shrouds the sidewalk where dim light from streetlamps can't touch. It wasn’t the nicest of neighborhoods but Toji didn’t mind. The rent was cheap and the place was good enough to eat and sleep in. He barely even spent his time sober here, including now.

The car slowly pulls up to the front of his building, Goji keeps the ignition running. 

“Remember what I said,” Gojo reminds, unlocking the doors. “But I can always remind you.” 

His face is cunning and unafraid. Anger festered within his eyes. He wasn’t someone the average guy could fuck with, but Toji would be able to handle himself. Maybe not right now, but the threat is seemingly showing who Gojo truly is – exactly what Toji expected upon first glance. An insecure idiot. But why? Who are you to Gojo? And why does he care so much?

Toji opens the passenger door and slides out without another word.

“Toodaloo,” Gojo chimes.

Toji slams the door and watches Gojo drive into the distance. He really wishes that he’d said something now. But of course, words couldn’t even emerge from his tongue. He could barely tell what was going on and didn’t even know if this was a reality from the start. Hopefully, it was just a dream and this entire day didn’t actually happen.

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tags: @brumous11 @cosmotoic @slurptheskinoffshiggysfatdick @gojosoath​ @miraes-world​ @almondespresso​​​​

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