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izzabeean · 2 years ago

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Chapter 17: Late Night

pairing : fushiguro toji x fem!reader

warnings/tags : 18+, alternate universe - office, eventual romance, explicit language, depressive thoughts.

genre : angst + fluff + smut

word count : 2,071

18+ minors dni!!!

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He exhales a long breath, an attempt to compose his racing thoughts.

This kind of feeling never really sticks with Toji, he always finds a way to ignore and push it down. But the thinking will not stop, instead, an endless stir of disappointment and distress burns at the forefront of his brain. It’s not because he pitties himself or believes he doesn't deserve this agony, he knows he's never deserved any happiness. It’s because he once again has lost to someone. Though this time is worse because he's lost to someone vile.

How could a man like Gojo attract someone like you? He thought you were smarter than that, but he recalls having the exact same conversation with himself when he found out about your fling with Kaito. Your judgment of men needs some work. Frankly, Toji’s assumption of you always seems to fall short of reality.

You’re not who he thought you are and that’s his punishment.

He’s always held you up to this fantasy because he thought you were different. You challenged him, always had something to say, and most definitely played hard to get. But with those characteristics come consequences which Toji has now paid for. An obsession with you and trying to get to know you slipped so perfectly into his daily routine only making it more bitter. The old life he once knew and grew accustomed to now seems so bleak and foreign.

Money… From a stable income to minimum wage that barely gets him by.

Drinking… He can rely on whiskey, but it’s so much less stimulating than it used to be.

Fucking… There’s no fucking because he can’t even look a woman in the eye without thinking about you .

Sleeping… And he can completely forget about that since he spends most of the night tossing and turning resulting in staying up until his body shuts down.

He absently fiddles with the keys in his pants pocket, trying to point his attention to something other than the discomfort from his thoughts. It’s his fifth night in a row working the midnight shift at the shop and it’s funny how he thought these shifts might help distract him. Very quickly he realized nothing could stop him from thinking about you.

He can’t get your face out of his mind from that night. It replays over and over again, haunting every waking moment. Your admission. Your aggression. Your loss for words. He caught you in your deepest darkest secret and yet he feels this guilt. What is this uncertainty bubbling in his chest? What is this emptiness he’s drowning in?

“I can’t give you everything.”

Toji remembers the other evening in the shop. Your voice was so incredibly bitter. The catalyst to your actions seems so much deadlier than he ever anticipated. The way your eyes locked on anything else other than him. The way you bit your lip as if to stop yourself from saying anything more. The way you cross your arms against your chest as if to shut out the emotions ill-disguised in your stance.

“Not just yet.”

What does that even mean beyond the tangible truth?

Inhaling deeply, he recognizes your deception, shifting his gaze to the clock at the front of the shop. Only an hour left until his shift ends. There’s a slight tinge of hope you will walk through the door, though Toji believes he won’t ever see you again.

As Toji lunges through the doors, he makes haste while his body temperature instantly drops from the crisp air. With a shiver he hoists the bags into the bin, wiping his hands on his uniform after disposing them. He’s barely been outside for a minute, but the cold starts to nip at his exposed skin. The sensation washes over him, grounding himself in the moment as it wicks away any body heat.

Looking up at the dark sky, his breath puffs and rises into the night. It’s been a long evening and tomorrow will undoubtedly be another long day, yet, there’s this feeling of peace looking up there. The shining crescent moon beams above with a trickle of scarcely visible stars from the glow of the city lights. The darkness feels infinite, stretching across the city in a cloak of shadows where the light doesn’t touch. Where a lot of people may find fear, Toji finds comfort for he has a lot in common with the night: an all encompassing darkness, a hindrance to physical sensations, the farewell of safety and the essence of danger.

He stares up at the sky wishing to fade into it.

He resists the urge to fall fast into rage and confusion, hoping the numbing of winter weather will do the trick because it’s the only thing keeping him from sinking back into the person he is destined to be.

A failure.

“Finally a job that suits,” A familiar voice calls out. Toji looks behind him to see Gojo standing in the shadows sneering, giving a snicker suspiciously light.

“You stalking me?” Toji snorts an irritated breath out of his nose.

“Funny you’d think I have time for that,” Gojo replies.

Gojo’s voice heats a rage in Toji. There’s something so frustrating about loosing to a guy like Gojo, though it’s plain to him at the moment there was never really any competition – Gojo had won from the start. Someone so smug and so full of himself, it absolutely disgusted Toji.

“The fuck you want? Toji's irritation doesn't hide in his words.

“Who says I want anything?” Gojo shrugs, dismissive. “Just out for a stroll.”

Strange to think Gojo would wander to this part of the city, especially since his only reason to be in the area would be because of you. And it almost as if Gojo is looking for you, wondering if you’re with Toji. It crosses Toji’s mind that you maybe ran away, or most likely off fucking some other guy… Most likely ran back to Kaito or something along those lines. Still, it’s very peculiar that you’d disappear all of a sudden from Gojo when in fact all Toji has noted from your interactions is the exact opposite as how you’ve been with him. You’re always shutting down or running off without any explanation. Just when he thinks you’ve moved forward with him, it’s always back to the beginning once again.

“Are you going to fucking make me repeat myself?”

“Hm?” Gojo responds, matter-of-factly.

Toji narrows his eyes.

“You’re no fun.” There's a sour tinge that colors Gojo’s tone. He draws out a long sigh. “You've seen Y/N?”

The sound of your name is jarring, leaving Toji stunned. “She’s not here.”

Gojo eyes Toji curiously. “You know, lying doesn’t really get you anywhere.”

“I’m not lying.” Toji glances towards the sky, hoping he can just be absorbed by the darkness. He takes a steadying breath, his first instinct is to snap back, he knows Gojo will not believe anything he says. But, Toji can't bring himself to, not tonight. “We don’t see each other anymore.”

When Toji looks back at Gojo, he’s immediately met with Gojo’s gaze filled with fury.

“Are you sure?” Gojo confirms, but to Toji, it only sounds like Gojo doesn’t know what else to say.

“Yes.” Toji’s voice sounds flat.

The silence pulls at each man while Toji watches the muscle in Gojo’s jaw clench. Gojo takes a step, backing away from Toji.

“If you’re hiding her…” Gojo trails off as he takes another step, letting Toji’s imagination fill in the gaps of the rest of the sentence.

Toji gives Gojo a dirty look before he turns his back heading off into the night. Toji watches until Gojo is out of sight.

Fuck – it’s bothering him. He wonders where you could be, wonders if you’re even thinking about the last interaction. Of course, Toji is getting ahead of himself. It’s not like you’d care, you never have, you were always just pretending. It’s not quite thrilling anymore, knowing that you’re married to that guy – someone worse than Kaito and Toji never thought that could be possible.

As Toji heads back inside to change out of his uniform into his normal clothes, he feels more awake and alarmed than he thought he could ever be. His usual plan to go home after his shift seemed to be even more unappealing than usual, so he decides to take a long walk instead of returning to an empty apartment.

It’s 3AM, after a 10 hour shift, he finds the energy in him to drag his feet down the street without a destination in mind. He’s careful in his strides noticing the city seems quieter than usual. It’s as if the entire world is asleep and he’s afraid any noise he makes will wake everyone.

In the near distance, the sound of a car engine fills the void as if to remind him he isn’t alone. Though in the dead of night, he only feels more numb to the sensations of reality. Nothing has ever really gone his way, but why does this feel like the end? Why does the universe seem to have the patience for everyone else but himself? What did he do to deserve this life?

He feels himself start to spiral. It’s different this time. An aching fills his chest, as if something is screaming at him to be one with the night. The constant pain and pressure to live kills him every day just a little bit more. Especially when what was once his light turned into darkness that overshadows every moment. He was only fueled with nightmares that numbed him with every new shock. Had he reached his limit?

The car's revving grows louder, nearing towards Toji. His mind goes blank while his heart starts to race trying to make sense of his existence. No one would care and no one would miss him.

He starts towards the edge of the sidewalk looking down at the street. He clenches his fists so tightly his knuckles turn white, sending chills of dread down his spine. All he had to do was step out and all this pain will be over. He hesitates, looking up to see how much time he has left.

But his thoughts are cut when he notices the headlights from the car illuminate the silhouette of a woman in the middle of the street. Without much thought, Toji rushes onto the street – something about this moment overtakes him. The car lights get brighter, blurring his vision as he takes ahold of the woman's wrist, yanking her with all his strength to the side of the road. Her body falls into his frame bringing him off balance from the surprise and they fall to the ground. His body hits the icy concrete bracing her fall.

“The fuck are you doing?” Toji yells over the car's horn which seems to echo in the silence. When she looks up immediately he recognizes your teary-eyed face. Toji freezes unable to utter another word. He barely recognized you and didn't even think he'd be saving your life.

The shock has got to you as your stare at him with quivering lips. There is something cold and lost in your eyes as Toji gazes into them. It's somewhere no true warmth and empathy can reach. A sob rises in your throat before you cry in exasperation as if your soul was bleeding an ocean through your eyes. Your face is clouded with a mixture of disapproval and disappointment as Toji wraps his arms around you. In that moment you surrender your body that’s shaking with grief.

As he lays on the street looking up at the night sky, he notices the a light flurries start to fall. The air stung his cheeks as he looked around and notices snow beginning to cover the sidewalk. Toji doesn’t know what to say as he listens to you weep. It crosses his mind that he needs to get you up and into a warmer place, but he finds his body unusually still not wanting to move.

“Sorry.” Your voice cracks.

Toji doesn’t say anything holding you in tighter. He can’t process the events, even as you both lie on the sidewalk. He’s never thought you would ever get to that point in your life, especially when you have everything you could ever want.

However, once again he’s completely misjudged you.

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tags: @brumous11 @cosmotoic @slurptheskinoffshiggysfatdick @gojosoath @miraes-world @almondespresso @kekwmdkem @misslili265 @m00dycr4nkybitc @t4naiis

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