#i barely remember even doing it. ive deleted it since

[risingsunresistance]

remake of an old rushed piece :V

[martyrbat]

oh tracy chapman we're really in it now....

[triplegoths]

the untagged venterrrrr

this is barely a vent bc the bump worked when i finally finished nod typing and remembered to do that

but man imma be sad when i run out and my cars still in the shop i hope that doesnt happen but it will bc the universe has to force me to take a break since i wont do it myself for even a day and i know that.

hopefully i can control myself enough so that doesnt happen but this 8ball hasnt been my friend with the control thing with everything happening.

tomorrow will be 2 weeks. i think if i weigh it tonight it wont even be a full g anymore. i kind of dont want to know anymore evn though thats why i bought the scale (despite it being useful otherwise)

im so fucked. especially bc i have 2 contacts to choose from this time rather than one that disappears off the earth after i get my stuff one time

i hate that with how that one tasted emotionally its gonna be a nice fat one when i get home

before its gone i gotta do it off the counter. i said i would. because im cringe (<- thinking of a song)

maybe tonight?

also we got new 7-hydroxymitragynine brands and. i am probably trying one of them i think theyre stronger than what im on. but its not great for tryinf to work the dose down lmao...

i am normal for the time being ig. its crazy that i still feel so depressed fresh off one but i have also been doing full lines at home then having to shove back my crying as much as i can so i dont cry out my money before i use it. also terrible thing to be crying around thats how u delete it (ive got depressed skills so this hasnt caused an incident. the crying has knocked down a high or two tho as much as i try and do the gross thing and just sniffle hard asf to not lose it)

but damn how u start sobbing right off a line or 2 you fucking emo bitch lmao. crazy work.

i think its been small enough amounts and im goin to bed early enough that ill get to feel good while not totally overdoing it again. at least part of tonight b4 crashing horribly

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

I see your re-opening matchups and I remember I got a lord of the rings matchup from you awhile ago and loved it! So I thought why not get one for the hobbit since they're reopened lol🩷🩷

Hiii!!! If it isn't to much trouble may I have (male) hobbit matchup please. My pronouns are she/her. Im a Capricorn, my Mbti type is infj-a/infj-t. I tend to be shy around new people but I can be somewhat loud with people who im close to. My height is 5'0. I would describe my aesthetic as girly/soft/cottegecore, lots of long dresses and skirts.

Im not very athletic and im not a big fan of sports but I love to go roller and ice skating. I also love to read books and to also cook and bake food. I also like to garden. I've been playing the violin for 7 years. I love animals and im planing on becoming a wildlife veterinarian. I like to Watch nature/animal documentaries. I also like sweets.

Somethings I dislike are people who bend or ruin my books and people who speak over me when im trying to talk.I love music, I can listen to any genre and like it but my favorites are indie,bedroom pop and classic rock. My ideal relationship would be with someone who is loyal and supportive. sorry if i spelt anything wrong. Hope im not bothering you:)

(I did in fact copy and paste that lmao 🩷🩷)

i genuinely love that you copy pasted that tbh, im always like darling you wrote this whole paragraph unsaved???? what if it gets lost. what if you want another matchup and dont have it. what if i reach out to you to say ive accidentally deleted it? ANYTHING could happen. maybe im too sensitive but like this happened too many times to my own writing, i wouldnt want it to happen to anyone else. also thank you sm!!! it's great that you liked the other match up enough to come request a new one and i hope you like this one just as much!

I ship you with...

Fili!

It's a wonderfully normal Tuesday in the Shire and you're in the small garden in front of your door, humming a tune with a smile on your face as you repot some of your flowers. You're content, you're at peace, you're doing nothing out of the ordinary and expecting nothing out of the ordinary to happen either and you're perfectly happy with that. And that's when it does happen. You've never seen Bilbo run. You've barely seen Bilbo do anything but sit. But there he is, panting with his hands on his thighs right in front of you, and you set down your pots with a frown and peel off your gloves and tell him to take a deep breath. He's blabbering on about wizard and adventure and you're quite sure you haven't ever been this confused, so you open your door and pull him inside and brew him a tea. And he tells you about Gandalf and his preposition of an "adventure" and the way Bilbo had bid him good day and gone inside.

You brew him another tea, and another, and then you agree to come home with him, to make dinner and dessert and to stay because, well, for a hobbit, that simple conversation with Gandalf alone is already a reason for panic. You're barely sitting down to eat when there's a knock on the door. A knock on the door and a dwarf in front of it. And then there are more.

That's the first day you meet Fili Durin. That's the day you fall in love.

Because Fili is everything. He's handsome and funny and loyal to a fault and you seriously hope no one had paid attention to you when you'd seen him for the first time because yes, you'd been that baffled. Fili may or may not have been the reason you'd agreed to come to the quest. And why not? They needed every helping hand they could get, plus there was no way you'd let Bilbo go alone. So when morning came and you woke up to Bilbo paddling about his home and heard of his plan to run after the company, you'd simply had to come with him.

You'd thought it would have taken you a while to warm up to everybody, like it always did. You didn't talk much that first evening, but the day after, you instantly realised that this was not usual, not normal in any way whatsoever. The dwarves were social and chatty and Kili kept bombarding you with questions from the side, with jokes and laughter, and soon the rest of them joined as well, Bofur and Balin and Gandalf and almost everybody else, and yet somehow you kept sneaking glances at Fili, almost involuntarily.

But Fili was quieter than the rest of the company. Not that he was quiet, no, but he didn't talk that much. So the first time he held watch, when you sat up with a sigh and gave up on sleep, that was the first time you actually had a conversation. Whispered, as to not wake anybody up, but still there. He makes you laugh like barely anyone ever has before, he listens to you so attentively it makes you blush, he smiles when you tell him how much you miss your books and your garden and you find out that he loves nature just as much as you do.

Over the next weeks, you talk more often. You laugh more often and smile more often. You ride next to him and you sleep close to him and sometimes you talk at night, when one of you has to keep watch or when you can't sleep.

When you run into the trolls, you realise for the first time what this quest actually means for you - and that you're totally unprepared for it. You go ice skating when the lake has frozen over in winter, yes, but that's about it when it comes to keeping your body moving and in shape. You confide in Fili a few days later and he offers to teach you. If there's anyone in the company who knows about weapons, it's Fili. You're genuinely shocked with how many of them he pulls out of his coat. But he's patient and he's actually quite a competent teacher, so whenever you find the time, he's there, and you take a while, but you get better at it. You get good enough to defend yourself properly.

It's then when you first kiss. One of those times that you stop and set up camp a little early, when you and Fili sneak off to train. He's showing you how to wield a sword for one of the first times (he'd started with a dagger and knives and thinks you're doing those well enough by now) and he's behind you, his arms around you and he's warm and comfortable and when you turn to look at him, there's that undeniable tension between you. It's pretty perfect. You don't mind.

From then on, it's sweet. Fili is adorable, he's a bit daft at times, but he's the absolute best. He holds you and he smothers you in kisses and he makes you laugh, he braids your hair and begs you to do his and he brings you pebbles and shows you birds and helps you climb up a tree or two.

Once you reclaim Erebor, once Thorin reclaims his throne, no dragon sickness, no nothing, you realise you're actually dating the crown prince now. Because that's what you're doing. You're dating. The thought makes you a little giddy.

You marry Fili one fine summer afternoon. It's hard to leave the Shire behind, of course, but Bilbo promises to stay at the mountain with Thorin until they're old enough to retire to Bag End, so you're not all that alone at the start - plus, Fili helps you bring some of home to Erebor. Some of your plants and books, your dresses and your violin and everything else you need, and suddenly, Erebor feels a lot like home anyway.

You visit the Shire with him - with your husband - as often as you can. And yes, a part of yourself will stay there forever, but Erebor needs you, and Fili needs you, and he makes you so, so very happy that you'd choose him again and again and again without a second thought. So you don't mind all that much in the end.

[treetownconfessions]

new-ish to the blog (been here about a month....,,) and i wanted to finally get this off my chest bc it was killing me. i'm queer as hell now but BACK THEN when i was 11-13 i was a cis boy who just liked reading comics and doing a jump everyday in hopes of becoming the tallest jumper in the world. and at the time i found out about happy tree friends and got into it very fast, both bc the gore and extremity was edgy and cool to me and because i genuinely liked the characters. i developed a crush on flippy, because, who didnt, and finding out a LOT of htf fans felt the same made me happy at first. but it became really clear nearly all the people who crushed and fangirled over him were girls irl and i felt like a weirdo about it because i was a BOY and i had a crush on flippy who was ALSO a boy. BUT seeing those same people ship flippy with other boy-characters in the show gave me massive mixed messages, because everyone seemed to love it when it was in-show only and i hadnt EVER met another boy online who had a crush on flippy so i wondered if it just wasnt allowed when it was outside of that, even though i wanted to express it with everyone else so bad. i couldnt go to my irl friends bc none of them were into htf and i was worried theyd think i was weird anyway. so my solution to keep crushing on flippy while still being normal to everyone else was making a htf oc that was quite literally a self-insert of myself, all the way down to the comics i liked irl, and shipped him with flippy. but i never told anyone it was my self-insert and just said it was an oc very unrelated to me and i wanted to keep it that way. i made horrible art of us and wrote equally horrible fanfic of this "oc" and flippy, bc i thought it was a genius solution to expressing my adoration for flippy whilst keeping the handful of followers and online friends i had satisfied bc it was boy x boy stuff. i never wrote/drew raunchy stuff about them bc as far as i can remember it was just shit like going on a date with flippy at the library or having picnics with him etc etc. but once i shared a recent fic with one of my online friends about them and at some point they went "you wrote it like an x reader so i thought it was self insert lol" and i was genuinely in shambles. i thought they were accusing me of having a crush on flippy myself and they were about to expose me or something (they didnt even know i was a boy irl so i dont know??) so i defensively told them it wasnt a self insert and i wasnt attracted to flippy in the slightest. but i was really rude about it and they replied saying they never said that, they never accused me of having a crush on flippy or anything like that and it was just a mistake. i dont remember the entirety of our messages but i remember getting so butthurt and angry i kept telling them to fuck off and that it wasnt a mistake on their end and they HAD to be accusing me of actually liking flippy. i blocked them and i cried so hard into my pillow i could barely breathe and i considered running away from home that day bc i was convinced that person was gonna tell everyone i liked flippy even though i was a boy and somehow get to my irl friends and family and i would be considered a freak for it forever. i stopped posting my art and fics of that "oc" and flippy after that and i didnt know how to delete my account at the time (it was on deviantart) so i just logged out and never touched it again. ive been thinking about it recently now as an adult and i forgot the password to that account so everything is still up and there hasnt been a new comment since 7 years ago but it keeps me up at night thinking about the person i cussed out and all the published stuff

[narcolini]

Oh you KNOW I had to do it to em picks some of the most tormenting questions alongside some of the nicer ones

😅 What's a story or scene you've created that you're a smidge embarrassed exists?

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic?

💖 What made you start writing?

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. - Kitty (since he's on ur mind lately)

😅: omg.. thats a hard one a-oh no its not LMAO my first ever fanfic i ever posted ever. i despise it i hate it im mortified by it and i would delete it entirely from the internet if people didnt so frequently message me about loving it so. this is my curse to bare now ( i just dont think its good at all, it makes me cringe severely)

✨: i think i'm very good at realistic dialogue :3

🙋‍♀️: oh so many SKSKSK i gave up hiding that a good few years ago. ive found people are absolutely incapable of making fun of you for it if you talk about it in a certain way so, im always on twitter talking about my silly little stories and things + in friend groups theres regular 'what are you writing?' 'narcos fanfic' exchanges so

💖: in general ive no idea, ive been writing since i can remember, for fanfic it was literally because i didnt like any of the tommy shelby stuff i was finding so i just decided to write what i wanted to read and here we are

🧠: omg kitty... ponders.... god im such a thief because all i can think about now is how @cositapreciosa said he needs glasses but never wears them and just squints instead because i love that image so much SKKSKSSK iive no idea why i just love the thought of it. dumbass cant even read the board in lectures uno. OMG maybe those tinted sunglasses he wears are actually prescription and thats why hes always pissin wearing them lmao im snorting

[chemicaljupiter]

for the longest time ive felt like i do not exist outside the perception of others, at least not in a way that matters. not in a philosophical way, it felt more like something ive been burdened with. i dont think im the prettiest person in the world and i dont think i have a great personality or anything like that but i have always deep down felt like i have something really important that i need to put out into the world. i dont know what it is but since i was a young teenager ive been working very hard and constantly creating art, videos, writings, music, edits, anything my mind comes up with just trying to figure out what that something is. ive been making youtube videos for most of my life at this point spent hundreds and hundreds of hours writing, filming, editing, coming up with complicated storylines and creative concepts i wanted to show in the videos i make. 99% of those videos have now been made private or unlisted so what was all that work for? i draw hundreds of drawings and i threw most of them away or painted over them. none of my writings ever saw the light of day and i have so many notebooks its hard to to even remember what ive written or where it is. why have i spent my whole life creating things that now cant even be perceived by others, by my definition these hundreds of videos and writings and drawings dont even exist so why did i spend all that time on it. i dont know. the funniest part i think is that i have switched accounts so many times that i have essentially ran away from any audience i possibly couldve built. i get 1-3 views on my yt videos and 0 likes on tumblr posts 12 likes on instagram on a good day and im not complaining that im not getting enough likes on instagram. i dont care, being instagram famous was never on my to do list, i just feel so defeated that i have spent my whole life trying to create something good, something with meaning, something thats could move people or at least entertain them for a few minutes and i have failed so completely at that goal that by my own definition i barely exist. this block of text doesnt mark any big change in what i do or how i do it. i will probably keep creating things as many and as often as i can, and i might even keep deleting them after a few months. i just pray that if i do it for long enough maybe i can eventually be proud of myself for it. maybe i can make myself happy if i cant make others happy. maybe someday ill die and someone will come along and watch my old videos and for a few hours i will exist again. maybe i can make that person happy and maybe i can entertain them for a few minutes. i dont know goodnight

[thedarkmistress16]

Do you have any app or mobile game to suggest? QwQ I wanna try playing something new

OOF there's so many mobile games I'm listing so prepare yourself

BATTLE CATS is the shit. Tough levels at points but there is a semblance of progress to be had. They added a lot of events and extra shit so it might be overwhelming for new people. i have no idea tho I barely started playing it again.

I'm a lover of the solitare genres (klondike and spider) but ugh the ads. I really only like them for the virtual customization of the themes that desktop comps dont provide enough of and having something offline to play on the go. ive been getting better at the four suit spider games, tho- i can feel my brain learning. 😁

Bingo games are fun! I don't have any one in particular I like the best, tho. Been a while since I played them.

Tinker Island 1 has great progression and you have the opportunity to collect the paid currency constantly, building up your gem vault. I like the garden minigame more than the actual gameplay XD.

I like Marvel Puzzle Quest for the match-3 gameplay with the marvel aesthetic. I'd recc. to play this one casually because progression is nonexistent with AND without $.

On the topic of match games, Bejeweled is a classic. 😊 I loved the butterfly rescue one back in the day and poker version was fun too- the tension is just MWAH.

Grand Summoners is for some reason spending a lot of money in ads because I'm seeing it everywhere despite having it on the exact device I'm seeing the ads on??? I'm not saying it's a problem it's just odd, lol. Micromanaging gear and teams will implode your brain but there is some strategy to it, even if you try to auto everything. They have crossover events all the time, on top of progression being kinda slow but still possible, and I'm quite happy with unexpectedly pulling a Hatsune Miku and evolving her. 😊

I would recc. trying out Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Links out for a test run to see if the grind is up your alley. Very generous with rarity tickets the last time I played it.

For another simple game, billiards are fun too, and easier to play digitally than in real life, lol. You will be playing against other humans all the time, tho.

Injustice 1 or 2 and Marvel Contest of Champions have their own pros and cons, but both are finger-input fighting/brawl games with IPs so it depends on asthetic and progression i guess? If I had to choose tho, I would say Injustice is more organized in its content than Champions if that makes any sense?

Best Fiends is a cute and neat lil' bubble draw and pop game that has some progression to it, but it's been a while since I played it. Surprising for me that I even like this one since the mascots are cartoony insects.

Color Puzzle is a gradient-building/color-matching puzzle game. I played it during my art class and it made me more aware of how colors react next to each other though it can hurt your eyes.

Visual novel story/chapter games are ones you need to curate yourself to figure out which one you'll want to sit through. Chapters has sexual/explicit stories but a beefy reward system compared to Choices from what I remember, plus community engagement/contests. This likely could have changed now- I haven't checked. Other apps have (slightly) animated characters/establishing shots and some are more customizable in the protagonist and reputation systems (romance or otherwise). They all blended together in my mind like a big soup of colors, but i will tell you that the paid currency choices are never worth it.

(Pixel) Color-by-number games are fun pastimes until they hurt your eyes and drain your device battery.

South Park Phone Destroyer was fun for a bit. Until it wasn't.

Dream Girlfriend is the best Ambition gacha/character simulation game they have, prove me wrong.

side note: have you ever played a mobile game that got deleted? one that was solely a play-to-win that was also fun in general and you were close to maxing out your characters? yeah, it's worse than the pain you feel when you discover your fave fic has been deleted from the internet😢

[unaffectedemergency]

Hi okay, so i read this sungjin fanfiction years ago on ao3, it was amazing, brilliantly written, and i cant find it anymore. Since then i've started using a new email and everything so basically theres no traces of it either so i decided to take things to tumblr and see if i can find it somehow (it may even be possibly deleted).

okay so it was a one shot where mc meets sungjin at a party (or some sort of gathering) and he's a mutual because both their best friends are friends. they already kinda know each other (there was this really nice mention of their lives orbiting each other but never meeting) and i think the mc was a cake supplier and she'd baked the cake for the party. and sungjin was well, sungjin w the band and everything. i think the mc had pink hair, i might be wrong here. but yes they both get pushed to pretend to date each other for their own reasons and they barely know each other but go along with it so that they dont have to be humiliated. it might have been something to do w a wedding cause i remember a bride and groom being there, and they were their friends. mc had a reputation for staying single or something so everyone was so surprised to hear she was dating. then the whole time they passed snarky comments at each other, they danced for a bit, and then she had to go? or needed to? so they both got in his car and drove away??????? i think. there was def something to do w a car and them driving away.

oh and the only thing i can find about it is from this doc from like 2018/19 in which i used to put paragraphs or sentences that i found were nicely written, and thats:

"He was willing to be a fool in front of anyone who was able to keep their eyes open for long enough."

this.

so if anyone knows this author/ fanfiction, please help ive been browsing all night tryna find it, ive tried god knows how many tricks to find stuff. there was also another work from this author i really REALLY liked that i remember even less about

if i find it through this post ima believe in god again

[lololollywrites]

American Healthcare and MS... I need to rant. 😭

I’m sorry, I need to rant. I’ll delete this tomorrow I’m sure. I just... I can’t stand American healthcare. My little sister (she’s 32, but she’s one year younger than me, so she’ll always be my little sister) was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) nine weeks ago after unknowingly living with it for FIVE YEARS and being misdiagnosed. With anxiety, POTS, you name it. Because when you’re a woman who presents as young and healthy and visit male doctors - even as a registered nurse - you’re overlooked, and even an MRI (done 3 YEARS AGO) gets shoved to the side and not looked at. Her husband is looking into a lawsuit, but that’s beside the point. The doctor knew she needed a cane to walk on occasion and thought that was NORMAL. It’s disgusting.

Anyway. So she finally has this diagnosis, right? It’s been terrifying, but there’s also relief that comes with finally knowing what’s wrong after so much time. MS is not the early death sentence it once was; there are now treatments, and celebrities like Selma Blair and Christina Applegate are bringing much-needed visibility. She is a nurse who works three 12-hour shifts per week as well as a mother of two (a 3-year-old and a 7-year-old). Her husband works opposite shifts in RadTech. 

She was hospitalized and eventually diagnosed when she had her worst attack so far - past simply needing to use the cane. She suddenly (temporarily, thank god) lost vision in her right eye and the ability to walk. She was in the hospital for more than a week. An MRI showed the classic brain lesions that signify MS, but the infusion drugs needed to treat and repair the nerves (I’m sorry, it’s something related to myelin but I am not an expert) need to be approved by insurance. She was granted temporary disability by her job - 8 weeks - and it was anticipated that treatment would allow her to work by that point. The hospital doesn’t have that drug; she eventually needs to go to an infusion center, pending insurance approval. In the meantime, IV steroids and physical therapy are the treatment.

MS comes in “attacks” - there are good periods and bad periods. My sister did recover from this bad period, but then went right back to her chaotic life as a mom for the next 8 weeks on disability waiting for her insurance to approve treatment. MS is progressive, remember, so as she’s waiting for paperwork to go through (stacks and stacks of it that keep getting sent back with requests for more information to be added) more, perhaps irreversible, lesions can form on her brain. Meanwhile, my youngest niece has been extra-clingy after missing her mom for over a week - demanding to always be held - and my sister is doing chores and straining herself physically. Her husband is wonderful and supportive, but it’s all just a lot.

This got long, so...

A work friend of hers set up a GoFundMe that raised over $6,500 for their family during this time, since she couldn’t work and might not be able to for the foreseeable future - they just bought a house, and are now worried about losing it - but she was also eagerly anticipating treatment. And waiting. And waiting. She finally had to shift insurance to her husband’s job, because her temporary disability ran out, which FORCED HER TO GO BACK TO WORK BEFORE SHE EVER RECEIVED TREATMENT. She barely got through her first shift, and needed her cane during her second, which she was reprimanded for. Their exact words were “We cannot accommodate that.” I can understand in some sense, and so can she - nursing requires physical fitness, as an emergency might arise - but they also demanded she be present knowing her diagnosis and medical situation. MS also causes brain fog, making other aspects of her job challenging as well.

Her job essentially denied her further disability and then said they’d train her for a secretarial job, WHICH CUT HER HOURLY PAY IN HALF. Friends of hers had worked that job when they’d been temporarily injured (a broken wrist, for example) and not had their pay cut at all. This seemed like a way to “soft fire” my sister. Remember: She still has received NO TREATMENT. NONE. And now she has to worry about not having an income. 

Best (worst) of all? Her husband’s work insurance still hasn’t come through because some people have been “out of the office” who process the papers, and now “oh sorry, there’s a long weekend coming up!” Meanwhile, my sister is back in the hospital with another MS attack, applying for state disability, facing needing to hire a home care nurse (which should be covered by insurance once it comes through), being told to use a walker more often so as not to strain her body, losing a career she loves, and **another lesion has formed since last time**. BECAUSE SHE HAS RECEIVED NO TREATMENT WHILE WAITING FOR INSURANCE TO COME THROUGH. They literally **will not treat my sister** until she has the right paperwork and she’s just allowed to suffer and get worse in the meantime. I am so, so livid but just trying to hold it together for her.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. MS stories of hope? Because right now it all just seems so scary and it’s hard to see past my anger and sadness. If you have any horror stories about MS, please... I am so sorry if that was your experience, but I cannot handle hearing them. I’ve been too scared to research it because it’ll further terrify me. And yes, I’ve lived overseas (in four other countries), which is why I think I’m so aware of just how shit our healthcare is. I wish I could just take her somewhere else sometimes. 😭

[writingsfromhome]

Nuclear Family I

A/N: As requested (accidentally deleted the ask soz) a Dad!Harry where you visit him with your daughter and you live together as a family even though the reality is far from it. But for the sake of your kid you put up with it. The next part gets better promise!

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

--------

“Charlie don’t get too far,” I call out to my three year old. She gives me a disappointed look but I return one of my own and she drags her feet back to me.

Sometimes it felt like it had always been just me and Charlotte and other times it was hard to believe it would be almost four years since I’d had her. The moment she was born-two weeks early-on a rainy August day, I knew I made the right choice to keep her.

“When are we getting on the airplane?” my daughter pouts. She reminded me so much of her father with her bold eyes framed by her lowered brows. I remember when I held her for the first time in my arms and she blinked up at me, her big eyes were a dewy field reflecting her father. It was then that it hit me that no matter where he and I were on earth-we were still somehow connected. And since I was still in love with him then, it hurt. But I learned soon to pour my love into Charlotte and focus on raising her the best I could.

“We’ll be boarding soon." I pick her up and hold her on my knees to keep her from running off again. This was my first time travelling with her-her father generally came down to LA a few times a year to visit her so we never had the need to make the trip. This time, for her fourth birthday, we’d decided to go to London and stay there for the month. And since I was my own boss, I could take my work anywhere.

“I want to see daddy,” Charlie whines.

"We will babe,” I try to soothe her.

“Daddy” was Harry Styles, the Harry Styles. We met through a friend over six years ago when he was in LA. Up until meeting him, it felt like I was living a grey version of my life. Our chemistry was explosive and our connection instant--colouring my world a vibrant hue. We were in love-so in love I moved to London a few months later to be with him and it was going perfectly until I got pregnant. We agreed to keep the baby-it was a no brainer, but as the months went by and the reality sunk in, our relationship took a hit. Suddenly we were arguing about insignificant things, Harry stayed out late with friends or in the studio and wasn’t as supportive as he should have been, and I wasn’t happy. When I brought up the separation Harry looked almost relieved-which hurt. When I brought up moving back to LA he was enraged, but after a few days he agreed. Now, our Charlie saw him a few times a year when he lived in LA and she would stay with him. Our interactions were limited to picking her up and as I’d heard it Harry had a steady girlfriend for the past year. Despite all that, I still loved him. What we had was unlike anything I’d felt, seen, or read about before. I knew he'd felt it too, the music he released spoke the words he never said. But the ugliness of the last few months of our relationship always kept me from remaining wistful. Harry didn’t want commitement. He only had room in his heart for our daughter and I was fine with that.

We were staying around the corner from Harry’s at an air bnb for convenience. Ever since having Charlotte, I hadn’t been outside of the US so this was exciting yet daunting. The idea of seeing London again, all my old friends, and Harry gave me a rush of mixed emotions.

The landing and locating of our luggage had a few bumps and a minor tantrum but our taxi takes us to the flat where we are met with the hostess.

“There’s been a terrible mistake,” she wrings her hands as we stand in the heat of the summer afternoon.

“What kind of mistake?” My heart drops and there’s a tugging on my dress. Charlotte demands to be picked up.

“We accidentally booked another couple to the flat.” The woman responds.

“What?” If I wasn’t this tired, I would be shouting. “How can you make a mistake like that? I booked this well in advance!”

“I understand,” the woman says. “Your booking must have been accidentally cancelled and I-the couple is fine with sharing the flat-”

“I have a small child with me as you can see,” I cut her off not going into detail why our privacy was extremely important. “I’m not living with two strangers when I secured the place for all of August. This is bullshit,” I spit out, forgetting Charlie could hear me. This trip was not going how it should be. “I’m contacting air bnb and-”

My rant is cut short when my phone vibrates. Harry.

“Hi,” I answer.

“Daddy!” Charlotte yells into my ear. I hush her with a glance and try to listen to what Harry was saying.

“-landed? I was trying to reach you where are you?”

I sigh and give the woman a dirty look. “We’ve just arrived at the bnb and apparently there’s been a ‘mistake’ and it’s double booked so now I don’t know where-”

“Shit, stay with me,” comes Harry's steady voice.

“I couldn’t,” comes my own, slightly less steady voice. Staying with Harry would be bad for me. It would only stir old emotions back up and make it harder to leave once again. I just knew it.

“I’m right around the corner Y/N. Just stay until you find another place at least.”

I couldn’t argue with that. I agree and order an Uber, giving the woman a piece of my mind before I go.

Charlotte had fallen asleep on my shoulder in the midst of all of it so I struggle with the child, our luggage, and my phone when I reach Harry's.

“I’ll be right down,” he says. My stomach is suddenly doing sommersaults and I can barely feel my legs. I saw Harry near Christmas! Why was I suddenly so nervous?

“Hey,” Harry enters the lobby in a black shirt and jeans and his glasses sit atop his mess of hair. “You look lovely Y/N, but that’s nothing new.”

Harry's grin is like a crack in the ice surrounding us and I give him a quick hug hello.

“Let me get that.” He grabs the luggage and we wait for the elevator again.

“She fell asleep,” Harry brushes our daughter’s hands and she shifts on my shoulder.

“She’s been doing that since the ride,” I say. “I think jet lag is already doing her in.”

Harry smiles at her and the tenderness in his gaze holds me captive. It was a while since I saw Harry look like that.

Harry gets the luggage onto the lift and I follow him in. The mirrored interior reflects the glimpses he takes of me but I stay staring forward, not wanting to give in.

“Won’t your girlfriend mind?” I ask Harry when we enter his flat. “That we’re staying with you.”

“About that,” Harry scratches his nose. “I’m sure she’ll understand. We should talk though…about the trip.”

“Of course, let me just put Charlotte to bed.” Harry points out the spare room and I can tell Charlie will like it here with the amount of stuffed animals Harry's decorated the bed with. She was spoiled.

“So you can stay as long as you want here,” Harry begins. “Or if you want to find someplace else I understand. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”

He holds my gaze as he talks and I nod along. It was all very proper and polite, almost as if we’d never had anything more than a friendly relationship.

“What’s your schedule like?” I ask. “I know we already figured things out but if I’m staying for a few days here will I be in the way of anything?”

“I’m filming in a few days, I took a lot of time off the next couple weeks for Charlie but that’s it. Then I'm in the studio after that." Harry scratches the back of his head. “Just make yourself at home don’t worry what I’ve got to do.”

“I don’t want to get in the way. I know we didn’t plan for this,” I flush. Harry reaches over and squeezes my shoulder.

“I want you to feel comfortable, love...”

I’m suddenly 21 and Harry and I are on one of our first dates at a bar. He holds onto my hand and tells me he really likes me. He asks me if we wanted to take our relationship past the dating stage. I’m giddy and drunk on love and kiss him yes.

“Mom?” A small voice calls out.

“Yes!” I jump up and shake the memories off, rushing to the spare room. Charlotte sits up in bed with a frown on her grumpy face. “I’m right here babe.” I scoop her up and she holds onto me, already holding a stuffed koala in the other hand.

“So you’ve met Mr. Blake.” Harry walks into the room and points to the koala.

And just like that Charlotte is jumping into her dad’s arms and bubbling with laughter, explaining how his real name is Oreo. My heart squeezes watching the two interact. Charlie is more awake than before the plane ride as she continues with her endless chatter. Harey is wide-eyed and drinking in everything she says. She says something funny and he throws his head back laughing, kissing the side of her head while she giggles. Seeing them two made my heart full.

“Momma I’m hungry,” Charlie says abruptly.

“You must be,” I look at the time. “It’s been a while since we ate.”

“Let’s have an early dinner out,” Harry suggests.

“That’s not necessary-” I try to say but Charlie cuts me off with a big cheer and soon Harry joins in and he’s off with her riding his back with her hands clasped tightly around his neck. I would never win with those two together so I find my wallet and join them.

“I didn’t realise how much I needed this,” Harry says on our walk to the restaurant. It was a ten minute walk Harry wanted to take, reassuring me that we wouldn't be bothered. Charlotte holds her dad’s hand and stares in wonder at the new city around her. “I can’t believe you-she-Charlie hasn’t ever been down here.”

“She was so excited to finally see where her Dad lives,” I laugh at the image of her bouncing off the walls in happiness.

“I think the weirdest thing for me is that my baby has an American accent,” Harry comments.

“I never thought about that!” I laugh. “At least she won’t be saying things like crisps and the loo!”

“Oi that’s offensive,” Harry jokes. “My english is just as good as yours mate!”

“Now you sound Australian!” I tease.

Harry laughs and bumps his shoulder into mine.

“Australia has kangaroos,” Charlotte comments randomly.

“We’ve got a clever one,” Harry winks at me. “They’ve got massive spiders too.” Harry says to our daughter but little does he know she actively picked up spiders.

Charlie starts jumping like a kangaroo and soon Harry picks her up and sits her on his shoulder where she shouts to anybody who listens that she was on top of the world.

“I always tell people she’s got that energy from her dad,” I tell Harry quietly. There a shine to his eyes as he looks to Charlie and she looks down at him and shouts it louder.

“My mum and dad were thinking of coming around this weekend to see her,” Hadry suddenly says.

“That would be nice for her. To see her family,” I say.

“I mean you’d be there too?” Harry says.

“Oh, right.” My mouth dries at the thought of having to see his family. They were a great bunch but the way Harry and I ended things so abruptly was an uncomfortable reminder. “I’ll try to make it.”

“Charlie can have some sort of a normal family dinner,” Harry jokes.

“Both parents and grandparents? That would make her trip actually.” I say with a little bit of sadness. Charlotte wouldn’t grow up with both parents like Harry and I had the privlege of and that hurt me thinking about it.

“I wish she could have that all the time,” Harry sighs. He glances over at me as he says it and there’s something unspoken. But Charlie grabs a fistful of his hair and he has to get her down in her drunken power.

The restaurant is cozy and Charlie talks a mile a minute with the attention of both her parents. Every so often when she says something ridiculous or something related to an old inside joke from years past, Harry will glance over at me with a smile. It’s a secret language between us, and I swear I even feel his hand brush my own but I chalk it up to accidents. Harry had a girlfriend, he had no business doing that with me.

It gets more confusing later that night. Harry had plans to go out at 8 and Charlie falls asleep by half past 7. Being in LA time, I stay snuggled in the couch, watching a random movie Harry recommended. My eyes drift shut halfway but I’m awoken by a bang. My eyes squint in the dark as my hand feels for my phone. 1:47AM the bright display reads.

“Sorry,” comes a voice. The lights flick on and Harry stands dishevelled in the clothes he went out in. “I was trying to keep quiet I di'know you were sleeping!”

He was drunk-whispering which meant his voice was only slightly lower than normal. He stumbles towards me and falls onto the sofa, yanking his shoes off with a great deal of effort.

“Were you sleeping?” He asks me up close.

“I guess so,” I respond. “Did you have a good time?”

A part of me feels awash with sadness, the dull and familiar ache settling into my chest. Another part of me is angry at myself for still being in love with a man who could not love me the same way.

“It would have been nice if you came,” Harry reaches out and twists a strand of my hair. “Are you naturally a brunette?”

“I am,” I say gently. “You should drink water before bed.”

“No-no don’t start taking care of me!” Harry puts a pillow on his lap. “I’m supposed to be taking care of my girls. But I’m doing a shite job I guess.”

He stifles his laugh. I try to stifle the pang in my chest when he says 'my girls’ because it meant nothing more than just words. I couldn’t afford to read into these things. But when Harry switches the pillow to my lap and lays his head down, all self-control gets chucked out he door.

“It’s been so long since we talked,” Harry tries to whisper again. He reaches out to touch my hair again, his fingers lingering on my face before lowering to his side again.

“You came to LA a lot,” in my statement is also an accusation. He never came in to my apartment or asked me to go out.

“You never invited me in,” Harry says quietly.

“Surely I did?” I tell him.

“No,” his reply is almost a sigh. I realise maybe I didn’t make it so explicit.

“My mistake,” I admit. “But you know you were always welcomes.” I trace the bridge of his nose.

“I know,” Harry says with a boyish smile. “I was slightly nervous when we were on your terf. I didn’t ask either-you’re right.”

Involuntarily I brush my fingers through Harry's hair. Instantly, his body relaxes with a sigh as he closes his eyes. So I remove my hand immediately and nudge him.

“I should go to bed,” I wait for him to clumsily get up. We walk to the stairs together where Harry wishes me goodnight. He leans foward and misses my forehead by an inch, kissing my eyebrow instead.

“Night,” I back away into the spare where Charlotte sleeps, rubbing my eyebrow. In bed, I try to sort through my feelings. My eyes land on the sleeping body next to me and I pull her into me. She was all I needed, I try to remind myself. I was only here for her. Harry and I were never getting together again.

[generallybarzy]

hey there, stranger. iv

one, two, three 

an: as you can tell, i’ve been having a really, really rough time lately. I haven’t been posting, so I hope the length of this chapter makes up for it a little bit. Not including a summary here because you all know what this fic is by now, and if not, the other chapters are linked above! I hope you enjoy this. I have to thank @royaltyofhockeylosers, @thirteenisles, and my potato anon for always being there whether I have to talk about this fic or my personal life!! I love you all and I absolute would not have gotten through the past week or even posted this fic without you!!!! The ending scene of this chapter (you’ll see) is the first part of this fic I thought of, what I basically wrote the rest of the fic around, and honestly one of my favorite scenes ever.

word count: 3.7k

the playlist :)

Two more weeks and countless games passed before Mat was asking about another date.

You were sitting in class, daydreaming about that night- his arm heavy around your shoulders, pulling you into his side, his scent surrounding you, his hoodie swallowing you, the way his hand was big and warm in yours, the way his pretty hazel eyes softened when he looked down at you, the way your heart leapt when he leaned down, his eyes slipping shut for that first kiss… when your phone vibrated.

Handsome maty: hey babe! i don't have practice tomorrow, you wanna do something? ❤

The heart emoji made your own heart beat fast. So you were at that point of the relationship already, huh?

You'd never know, but Mat was terrified to send that text. He typed it out and deleted it multiple times, running his hands through his hair and closing his texts to call Tito and ask for advice. Was it too early for hearts? Would you be scared and run off? Would he sabotage a great thing just by showing you how much he cared? But in the end he remembered.

“I wanna date you. Like, officially. I want it to be us.”

“I want it to be us too.”

And God, he really did.

You wanted to go out with him again, you really, really did, but there was one thing preventing you from doing that. And that one thing preventing you from seeing him was the same thing that got you together in the first place: the Seidenbergs.

Rebecca had called you that morning, joyous and chatting about a mystery date she was going on and how Dennis surprised her. And while you were as overjoyed for her as always and couldn't wait to see the kids again, it sucked that even though the older man was retired from hockey now, his and Mat's schedules seemed to be clashing. Whenever Mat wanted to take you out, the Seids were going out.

You: maty, I really wish i could. But I have to babysit tonight 😥

❤maty: no problem, I can come help! The kids already know me anyway

You didn't expect him to be angry really, but you at least wanted him to be upset. You were expecting the sting of guilt when he responded with that sad, puppy-dog way of his. But what you weren't expecting was the easy compliance he gave. It took a few moments for you to process his message, you were overthinking. These weren't your kids, would Rebecca be okay with you bringing Mat as your boyfriend? Or would that be inappropriate? Then, Mat sent another message.

❤maty: or if this is your way of trying to turn me down easy or hint you don't want to hang, you can just tell me. I promise I won't be upset, babe. But I'll come help if you want?

And that did it for you.

The fact that he thought you didn’t want to hang out was hurting your heart. Maybe you didn’t kiss him the other night, but you didn’t want him to think you were uninterested. Especially when it was quite the opposite. You couldn’t stop thinking about him if you tried. As you sat through boring lectures in class about things you once paid attention to, you found yourself daydreaming. Of how his lips would feel on yours, how soft, and pink they looked. How they parted slightly as he leaned down, his warm breath fanning over your own...

You wanted to kiss him, you really did, but something held you back. Nothing had ever felt wrong with Mat before, but something just felt so strange. It felt off, and you hated it. Maybe it was the fact that it had been so long since you had a real boyfriend, maybe you were scared you wouldn’t be good at kissing after so long, maybe you were scared of this relationship getting too serious, that after that kiss, you’d be too far in and Mat would get tired of you. Maybe you were scared of heartbreak again. Whatever it was, you panicked and drew away. He took it so well, he was sweet and patient and didn’t judge you for wanting to wait. And it just made you fall even more.

God, what you would do to kiss him now.

You: trust me, i really want to see you tonight. but we need to ask rebecca and dennis first

❤maty: done ✔

Usually, all your worries about guys went out the window when you walked in the door to the Seidenberg’s household. You could forget about boyfriends, drama, work and your studies for the night and focus on the little kids that had strangely become like friends to you. But tonight, your anxiety about boys- a certain boy in particular- was spiking. You were going to be spending the evening with Mat. You couldn’t help the way your heart was pounding as you tried to compose yourself in the bathroom before the Seidenburgs left on their date. It wasn’t going to be a long night, the sun was already going down, so you’d probably just put on a movie and then take the kids to bed. You smiled at yourself in the mirror as your mind drifted back to the night of your almost-kiss and how patient and gentle and ready Mat was.

“(Y/N), someone’s here for you!” You heard Rebecca call from the front door. You quickly brushed some flyaway hairs back and took a few breaths to steady yourself.

Mat.

“Yeah, I have a feeling I already know who it is!” You called back with a smile in your voice, opening the bathroom door and making your way to the kitchen. Rebecca and Dennis were standing there, ready to leave and, both smiling like they knew something you didn’t, the door was only cracked slightly and Mat hadn’t yet come inside. Before you could even ask why he was still out in the cold, your matchmaker motioned towards the door.

“He’s waiting.”

You could barely even open the door the whole way before your lips fell open in a little surprised O. "Mat."

"Hey there, babe." There he stood on the doorstep, looking absolutely warm and cozy in all sweats and a hoodie, in those signature white shoes he'd been sporting on every date so far. The cold November wind tossed his hair around and a bright flush painted his cheeks in happiness as he held a bouquet of bright flowers out in front of him. When he saw you trying our best to contain your smile, his face split into a huge grin. And when he smiled, your heart almost leaped out of your chest. "You have no idea how hard it was to find these so late in the year."

"Oh my God, Maty."

"I hope this isn’t too cheesy, but I figured, if we're gonna be together all night, we might as well make it a date, right?"

Your heart fluttered, you wanted to pull him close, kiss him right there, but it wasn't the right time, especially not with the Seidenburgs standing right behind you in the kitchen. You reached out, grabbed his hand, and grinned. "Get in here, you big goof. You’re gonna get a cold."

The Siedenbergs were giving their goodbye kisses to the children when you stepped inside with Mat. And as they left, Rebecca winked at you and glanced back towards Mat, who was chatting with Dennis and beautifully oblivious to your cheeky silent conversation and busying himself with the kids. The second he stepped in the doorway, it seemed, the kids were all over him. "Maty!" They must have missed having him around.

It was obvious they missed having him around, as they were jumping around his legs and rambling about things they’d been up to lately the second they could get to him. And Mat listened intently and with the softest smile, and it was obvious he really loved them too.

The youngest children were talking about their day at school when you took the bouquet of flowers out of Mat’s arms, and suddenly they seemed interested. ‘

“You got flowers?"

"Yeah! Aren’t they pretty? They're from Mat." And suddenly the house burst into little "oooooh"s. Ah, children.

"You got (y/n) flowers??? Do you liiiike her?"

"I do like her." Mat’s eyes found yours and smiled, a hopeful, almost unsure smile as if he was really urging you to feel the same. You weren’t about to go on about your still young relationship in front of children, so you just smiled back.

"Are you best friends?"

"No, more than that."

“Ewww-”

“Alright,” You cut them off, just wanting to stay off the topic of feelings, romance, and relationships. This used to be the place you went to forget about those things, but you couldn’t do that with Mat here. Not that you were upset, you loved having him here, but there was something about talking about your relationship that still made you a little uneasy. And you hated feeling uneasy about him. "Do we have any homework to finish tonight?”

Something twisted in your heart while you watched Mat sit at the kitchen counter and help the kids with their homework. There was something so domestic and warm about these situations that it almost made you nervous. Was it way too early in the relationship to be imagining these things with him? It was so soon, everything was happening so fast, that it scared you. You didn’t want to love again, you didn’t want to hurt again, but everything about Mat made you want to risk it all.

That feeling struck you again as you stood in the kitchen, washing their dishes and watching Mat reading at the table with their little boy as the girls colored. Mat was helping him along softly here and there and giving him a little high five at the end of each page, and even though you absolutely did not want children any time soon- you could barely afford to get by yourself- there's just something about a man that's good with kids. And Mat was great with them, probably because he acted like a kid himself and already knew them well.

"Can we have ice cream?" Mat glanced up at you in amusement to gauge your reaction to the bold statement of the youngest girl.

"Ah, I don't know how your parents would feel about that."

“Pleeeeease!”

“Ice cream, ice cream, please!”

“I think the general consensus is that we all want ice cream.” Mat grinned a stupid little shit-eating grin and the children nodded along with him. “C'mon, Y/N. Don't be a party pooper." You almost couldn’t believe that Mat was gonna betray you like this, but it seemed so like him. Taking risks, living, having fun.

"You're such a child, Mat."

He looked up for a moment with wide, worried eyes, as if really worried you were upset with him, but the smile on your face must have given it away, because he smiled back proudly. "Yeah, I am."

"Alright,” You smiled at the looks of glee around the table, from all three of the kids and even Mat. “We’ll have ice cream, but don't tell your parents." The kids cheered thanks at you and Mat, who was still grinning widely up at you from the table. You couldn’t quite read the expression on his face, but when he stood from where he was to take the ice cream out of the freezer and his arm curled around your waist for a second while the kids weren’t watching, you were so flustered you had to look away with a smile. He made you feel so tingly and warm. “So, what movie are we watching tonight?”

A few hours later, you were sitting on the couch with Mat, battling through your second run of The Little Mermaid while the kids watched and colored and got drowsy.

You and Mat had stretched out under a thick, fluffy blanket, your legs on the sectional and his propped up on the coffee table, which he insisted was okay because he "used to do it all the time". Your head was resting against his bicep, and the moment his arm curled its way around your shoulders, your breath hitched in your throat. And he must have noticed because he glanced down at you with that same gentle question as the other night when he tried to kiss you.

Too much? Too soon?

It might have been too much, you might have panicked a little, but if you were learning anything recently, it was that you needed to take a risk and stop being so scared to get hurt. So you curled further against him, bringing a leg up to bend across his lap and winding your arms around his waist. His hand fell heavily onto your knee, rubbing it and pulling you closer in under the blanket, and his lips quirked up a little at the ends. This was warm, gentle, soft, perfect. Everything around was drowned out, save for the noise of both of your beating hearts pounding against each other, and he reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear with pink cheeks.

“Hey there.” His breath fanned across your lips, smelling of the sweet ice cream you’d all been snacking on earlier.

“Hi.”

Your breath hitched in your throat when his hand cupped your cheek, your heart sped up and your cheeks went hot as he furrowed his brows as if considering something.

Please just do it...

🎶"Sha-la-la-la-la-la

My, oh my

Looks like the boy's too shy

Ain't gonna kiss the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la-la

Ain't that sad

It's such a shame, too bad

You're gonna miss the girl"🎶

“(Y/NNNNN).” You snapped up at the sound of your name to see the little boy yawning and rubbing his eyes. Mat swallowed thickly, turning away and refocusing on the movie in front of him, as if he’d even been watching in the first place. “I’m sleepy.”

“Yeah?” You untangled yourself from Mat and stood from your cocoon of comfort under the blanket, despite wanting nothing more than to stay in his arms all night. “Alright, Let’s get you to bed, buddy.”

When you returned to the living room after helping the kids through their nightly routine and tucking them into bed, you found Mat turning off the TV and gathering up the coloring books and dishes to put away. You locked eyes with him, feeling absolutely flustered and wanting to cuddle him. He looked back at you, chewing on his bottom lip as if he had something to say, but he kept silent. It was quiet, but not tense, as you moved around the kitchen. Putting things away and cleaning up and smiling as you bumped into each other. He seemed to open his mouth for a moment, considering his words, but he said nothing, and you couldn't even get the chance to ask him if the two of you could crawl back under the blankets before the front door opened and in walked the Seidenbergs.

Dennis and Rebecca thanked you over and over again, quietly, as the kids were asleep. “I hope Mat behaved himself too.”

“It was like having a fourth kid to look after.”

“Hey, I wasn’t that bad.” He smiled at you across the table, a little secret in his eyes, hinting to the moment on the couch where you’d almost… almost kissed. No one had to know about that. Not yet.

The moment you offered to get an Uber and head home, Mat spoke up softly, grabbing your attention before you could leave. “Hey, my place isn’t too far from here. Let’s go on a walk. We can call you an uber from there?” He spoke almost shyly, giving you a tiny smile, his head cocked to the side and his eyes sparkling with glee, tilting his eyebrow up in question. You only nodded at him, smiling back with matched enthusiasm, and headed out the front door, hand in hand, with the Seidenburgs smiling fondly after you.

Outside, flurries had started coming down, a light dusting of snow beginning to lay in the patches of grass beside you. It was frigid, and even Mat’s hoodie and your own jacket didn’t seem to do much work to protect you. But being pressed against his warm body, your hand in his was so worth it. “Maty, it’s snowing!”

He chuckled at the childlike enthusiasm of your words. “Yeah.”

He watched you with awe as you gazed around at how the snowflakes sparkled in the streetlights. “You know,” you began, squeezing his hand and pulling him back to reality, “I love the snow. I love winter. Everything is so quiet and peaceful. As a kid, you would go to bed one night and wake up the next morning with inches of snow on the ground, without ever realizing anything happened. It happens so quietly, so serenely, so softly, without anyone realizing. It’s a surprise. I love that.”

“Yeah?”

“All the best things happen softly.” There was a moment of silence as the words settled peacefully between you, and Mat pondered your words. “No, that probably sounds dumb.”

“No, that’s beautiful. You could be a poet.” All the best things happen softly. He agreed. Like the way he was falling more and more for you every day, like falling onto a bed of down and soft pillows, like falling into a lover’s waiting arms after a long day, like the warmest embrace of tangled limbs and tickly hair in your face. Like falling in love. “Plus, being cold means cuddling. Like tonight.” He nudged your side teasingly and squeezed you against him. “I liked that.”

“I liked that too.”

“Sorry we couldn’t do something else tonight. I usually don’t make my boyfriends babysit with me so early in the relationship.”

“No problem.” He smiled and tugged you closer into his side. “I love hanging out with those kids. And there’s no place I’d rather be than with you, babe.”

Your face got hot at the pet name. You’d never get used to someone calling you that. It’d been so long. “You’ve gotta be careful calling me babe. I might just fall for you.”

“Huh.” It was barely a whisper, but you heard every word. “Maybe that’s the goal.”

You walked in silence once again, a comfortable, gentle silence, with only the sound of leaves crunching under your shoes and rustling in the breeze, until Mat came to a stop in front of a tall building.

"So, this is my place."

"Yeah?"

"So I should probably call you that Uber…"

"Probably." But Mat made no effort to pull out his phone, his hand stayed still, laced through yours.

The air between your bodies was heavy, not with tension, not with dread, but something much, much softer. Something needy and aching, something that made your cheeks heat up and your hearts beat faster, as you took in the sight of each other. Maybe it was still the idea of being in a relationship again that had you both so flustered, had you both weak in the knees. Maybe you just couldn’t believe you had someone like this. You reached up absentmindedly to tuck a stray lock of Mat’s hair behind his ear, to shake away some of the flurries, giggling softly with him as his hand bumped into yours while reaching up to do the same to you.

“Hey there.”

Mat let out a warm puff of air, a soft sigh, his eyes melting into warm, honey-like pools as he gazed down to you, “Hey.”

“It’s chilly.” You began, but your words were cut off. Cut off by the feeling of a warm palm against your cheek, tilting your head up to meet a pair of lips in a gentle touch. It wasn’t a kiss, not yet, but rather a question. A murmur of hope and a suggestion, a gentle urging to follow him, to dip your toe in and try out the waters, maybe swim with him. And as he began to back up, having asked his question and letting you free to ponder it, your hand unlaced from his and you stretched up on your tiptoes to grasp his cheek. Your hands were small and soft against his cheeks, the tips of your fingers tracing his pretty cheekbones and cupping his jawline and tugging him closer to you, sliding back to the black hair at the back of his neck. A perfect fit. Like yin and yang.

He sighed out against your mouth as you sunk into him, his own lips curling up in a smile as his hands came up to cup you against him in this gentle embrace. Cradling the back of your neck, his fingers chilly and making you shiver as they dipped under your hair.

And when you finally broke apart from what felt like an eternal embrace that had no boundaries, Mat leaned his forehead down against yours, his eyes gentle and sleepy and warm as he gazed into you, and wow, he was so beautiful. He was breathing softly against your lips, as if the kiss had knocked the air from his lungs with its power, no matter how delicate and precious, and each warm puff of air he sighed against your lips made you smile.

“I- uhh,” He laughed sheepishly, reaching his hand up to thread through his hair- a nervous habit you’d realized a while ago. “I kinda forgot to ask if I earned that kiss yet.”

It was your turn to laugh now, sinking back down to your flat feet and leaning up to press a kiss onto his chin. “You did.”

He laughed at your little peck to his chin and pulled you into an embrace, entwining your bodies together and sharing your warmth, not caring who might be able to see you. There it was, he had his kiss. It was better than he'd ever had, better than he could've ever hoped for and better than he ever imagined. And it was with you. Your fingers were combing through his hair, and it was making him sleepy, and he wanted nothing more than to have someone to sleep next to tonight, to watch the snow fall outside his bedroom window from where they lay together in the comfort of his sheets. He wanted the comfort, the coziness, the peace, the softness. And he wanted it with you.

"Well, I hate to ruin the moment," you started, turning to look up at him "But you should probably call that uber soon. Before I freeze to death out here."

"Mhm."

But Mat did nothing, he stayed where he was, gazing down at you and glancing up at his apartment, eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Hey, Mat? Whatcha thinking?" He looked down at you again as you continued to thread your fingers through his dark locks, seeming to have made up his mind about something. With a sigh and a smile, he held your hips and pulled you against him, leaned down, ghosting his lips against yours once more and making your heart pound at the sound of his whisper:

"Stay the night?"

[xofanfics]

String - Part VI

Prologue | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

Genre: angst, fluff

Pairing: Baekhyun x Female Reader FT. SEHUN

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: You find yourself in a friends-with-benefits situation with your best friend. You have no business falling for him, but your heart begs to differ.

Baekhyun hadn’t heard from you since that night. You hadn’t responded to his text and he had no idea whether you’d listened to his voicemail. And Evie and Sadie were no help either. They said that you’d approach him when you were ready but he was impatient. 

Guilt pulled at Baekhyun as if someone was tugging the bottom of his shirt. Even though he had started seeing Kira like he wanted, he still felt pretty guilty about it all. He hadn’t exactly done anything wrong but he knew that he fucked up, morally. It was fucked up to treat you like that, pulling you on a string until he decided what he wanted. You deserved better than that. And he was a hypocrite. He knew that much. 

He felt uncomfortable knowing how he left things with you and he wanted to talk to you. He didn’t know the things he needed to say and he wasn’t sure where to begin. All he knew is that he wanted to talk to you. Things probably wouldn’t go back to normal, even if he tried his absolute best. 

“Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun looked up from his plate. “Huh?”

“I said what are you thinking about?”

“Just about an old friend.”

Kira frowned. “Did something happen?”

He sighed. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

Kira didn’t press him about it and he was grateful. Guilt ate at him further as he realized that he wasn’t able to pay his own girlfriend the attention she deserved. His thoughts, somehow, would always shift toward you even in the presence of others.

She didn’t know what was bothering Baekhyun but it was bothering her. Lately, he seemed a little down. Things hadn’t changed too much but he always looked so...troubled. Kira wanted to make him feel better but she didn’t know where to begin. Did he even trust her enough to tell her what was going on in his life? Did he feel like he couldn’t be open with her? Was she not doing enough, as his girlfriend?

She reached across the table and grabbed his hand. She gave it a light squeeze because it was the only comfort she could give him.

*

You woke up and found yourself staring at the white ceiling as your phone’s alarm went off on the nightstand. You rolled over and shut off the blaring noise. As you sat up in bed, you let out a yawn. You got dressed and started getting ready for your 9AM shift at the waxing salon. The best part about being a receptionist was getting a discount on waxes and not having to do much. This job was a way to put extra money in your pocket and to study and do homework in between the small tasks you had to do to maintain a suitable environment for customers.

You got lost in your skincare routine as you found yourself thinking about Baekhyun again. You hadn’t seen him since that night and you avoided all contact with him within the friend group. Being that they were with Baekhyun a lot, you hadn’t seen the guys much lately. You couldn’t help but feel like the friend group was divided and that some of it was partially your fault. 

You thought to yourself, If I see Baekhyun again, I think I could at least say hi…

Sehun occupied your thoughts most of the time but there were times when you gave in to temptation and your thoughts shifted to things like Baekhyun’s award-winning smile. Sehun was a gentleman. To be honest, he was everything you wanted in a guy. He let you know from the beginning that he had intentions of being in a relationship. It was rare to get that much information from a man these days. 

He was considerate and he cared about you. And it showed. And when you hung out again last week, things were just as relaxed as last time. You felt like you could be yourself. The two of you went to get gelato in Little Italy, walked to the park, and talked for hours. And when you left each other, he didn’t try to come back to your apartment with you and he didn’t try to kiss you either. You were so used to guys rushing into things that this seemed a bit strange. It was great to meet a man with pure intentions.

Sehun would ask you if you wanted to Facetime a couple times. He’d ask you about your day, about what you ate, about what you were learning in class. He was asking these things because he genuinely wanted to know you. He wanted to know your thoughts, your ideas, and opinions. He wanted to dig deep into you, pulling out as much information as he could. He wanted to be able to paint the perfect picture of you, with his eyes closed shut. 

You smiled to yourself as you got off of the train. You had twenty minutes to get to work from the train station. It only took five minutes from the train but you liked to come a bit early to get coffee. Your phone buzzed in your hands. Sehun left you a voice message.

“Hey, Y/N. Good morning! Hope you slept well last night and that you have a good day at work...I’m working from home today, thank God. I’m sick of my boss hovering over me while I’m trying to get work done..” He let out a chuckle. “Anyway, I can’t wait to see you later tonight.”

The two of you planned to go to a jazz lounge tonight. Neither of you had ever been and it seemed like a fun date. That was one thing you enjoyed about Sehun. He was always down to try new things with you. Everything you were experiencing with Sehun felt so new, so exciting. You never felt quite like this before.

You smiled at the sound of Sehun’s voice and, as you were about to send a voice note back, you happened to look up and find Baekhyun walking toward you. You were sure he hadn’t noticed you yet and you hoped to keep it that way. You kept walking, trying your best to remain unnoticed. As you walked past, you were sure he caught a glimpse of you because you could feel someone’s eyes glued onto you. It took everything in you not to turn around and look back at him. 

You’d said that maybe you were at a point in your life where you could gather the courage and greet him if you were in the same room. Here you were, practically running away from him instead. You weren’t ready to cross paths with him; not right now. And to make matters worse, you looked a mess in your barely brushed bun and a not-so-special outfit. You’d imagined that when you eventually did cross paths, that you’d look good that day. 

You walked past him and didn’t look back once.

*

Baekhyun got off the train feeling more tired than usual. He’d had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. He inched up the staircase slowly and when he looked up to see what the holdup was, he saw that it was a mother struggling to carry a stroller. Eventually, once someone realized that maybe they should help, another woman helped her up. Once the staircase congestion was cleared, Baekhyun was able to start moving. 

As he headed toward the exit, he happened to look up from his phone and to his left. He had to do a double take to make sure it was you. It was. He knew your height and body size like the back of his hand. Even though he hadn’t been friends with you for a full year, he got to know you well for the past few months...until all of this drama came crashing into his life. He was at fault, he knew. This was a mess that he’d unintentionally created by not being straightforward and not being honest with himself or the people around him.

He didn’t know what an ideal world would look like. He wanted to be with Kira, no matter what. But, sometimes, his heart tugged toward you. He cared about you and he honestly missed you. He missed hanging out with you. He missed the simple things about his relationship with you like waiting for you to get out of class so you could eat lunch with him or helping you study for your exam, with flashcards. He missed simple things like FaceTime calls in the middle of the night when you had trouble sleeping and the fact that he could tell you anything. Part of him wished that he’d never crossed that line with you. He hated the fact that you weren’t in his life at all. Would you have been better off as just friends from the very beginning?

Baekhyun did see you, even if you didn’t know it. He saw you in all your glory. He saw you and your bun that you wore with the pale pink scrunchie that you loved. He saw you walking toward the University Place exit which could only mean that you were going to work. He remembered going there to pick you up from work last semester and watching you fidget at the desk, eagerly waiting for your coworker to come in and take over the desk duties.

He did notice you and a piece of his heart chipped away as he realized that a) you saw him and didn’t care to speak or b) you genuinely didn’t see him. A million possibilities and harsh realities flew through his head. He knew that you wouldn’t go out of your way to talk to him but had you just straight-up ignored him, like he didn’t exist?

Did the voicemail he left mean nothing to you? Did you listen to it at all? Did you delete it without even bothering to listen to it? He had so many questions and no answers. Were you done with him? Had he ruined the friendship the two of you once had forever? He felt a lot of things but his heart felt bruised, more than anything.

Was it really over?

Baekhyun wasn’t sure what kind of relationship he could have with you at this point but he knew that he didn’t want to live in a world without you in it. But on the other hand, he knew that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it, too. 

*

You met Evie and Sadie in their dorm room after your shift. You still had a couple hours before you had planned on meeting Sehun. You put your bags down and sat down on the fluffy rug that lay between the two beds. 

Your friends had started filling you in on a campus event tonight, where some of the school’s cultural organizations were going to have a dance off. You hadn’t planned on going since you made plans with Sehun but your friends didn’t seem to want to let it go. 

“So you’re really not going to come to the Battle of the Orgs thing tonight?” asked Sadie, sitting down on the floor next to you.

You shook your head. “Well, I wasn’t really planning on it...”

Evie chimed in, turning away from her laptop and toward you. “Drew said it’d be really cool if you’d come. He’s hardly seen you since everything that happened with Baek. He’s performing...and the best part is that Baekhyun won’t be in the crowd cause he’s performing too.”

You raised your eyebrow, a curious expression taking over. “Since when?”

“Since like three weeks ago when one of the other guys dropped out and Drew begged him to join the lineup,” answered Evie. “Drew bugged the hell out of him and eventually Baekhyun agreed to it. You know how annoying he can be...”

“I saw Baekhyun in the train station this morning,” you said. “I was telling myself this morning that, if I saw him in the street, maybe I’d say hi...but I walked by and pretended I didn’t see him.”

“Would you really have said something?” asked Sadie.

You shrugged. “Probably not. But what would I even say to him?”

“Go fuck yourself is a good start,” Evie suggested. The three of you laughed for a moment before her expression became serious. “He really does seem to be dating that girl though.”

“Did you meet her?” you asked.

“For a minute,” Sadie said. 

Evie added, “Baekhyun stopped by in the library and she was with him. So he introduced her...as his girlfriend.”

“What does she look like?”

“She looks mixed. She’s black and Japanese, I heard.”

“What’s she like?”

“Y/N, what does it matter? We met her for two seconds, in passing. Even if I had an answer for you, I wouldn’t tell you. You’re seeing Sehun, right? Why are you making Baekhyun more relevant than he is?” 

You rolled your eyes, annoyed that your friend wasn’t going to give you more information. But, deeper down, you knew that she was right. It wasn’t healthy to ask those kinds of questions or to do things like look at Baekhyun’s snapchat stories hoping to find out more about this girl. It hurt that he had moved on. You wished that you were in her shoes. It felt unfair that this girl came into the picture and threw Baekhyun off course. You thought about what he said about having intentions of asking you out. If it was true, then the appearance of this Kira girl had ruined it. In a way, she had ruined the relationship that could’ve been yours. 

But it wasn’t fair to put the blame on this girl. You didn’t know her and she didn’t know you. Sometimes you felt jealous but then you had to remind yourself that you deserved better and that if Baekhyun truly wanted to be with you in the first place, he would’ve been.

In all honesty, you should’ve listened to Evie’s advice in the first place. You should’ve known something was up when she asked if you were sure that Baekhyun really liked you. Maybe you should’ve questioned things sooner. Maybe if you’d brought it up sooner, the story wouldn’t have played out quite like this. Maybe you would’ve had the answers you needed much sooner. Maybe it would’ve hurt less.

You bit your lip. “Of course he’s not relevant. I’m seeing someone new and I’m moving on...just like he is!”

Part of you wanted to go to the Battle of the Orgs. You wanted to go because you genuinely wanted to see Drew perform and, if you were being completely honest with yourself, you wanted to see Baekhyun perform too. You never really saw him dance like this before. According to your friends, the Korean Student Association was going to perform a couple k-pop songs. 

You didn’t know if you were ready to see Baekhyun in person, even if it was from a distance. Hell, you couldn’t even face him in the train station this morning. You just kept walking like a coward. You had imagined seeing Baekhyun again for the first time a million different ways. All of the scenarios you imagined in your head were nonchalant, petty, or neutral. You’d imagined scenarios where you hit him, scenarios where you threw shade at him, and scenarios like this morning—you walking past him, but without a care in the world. And you’d also imagined delusional scenarios where he explained that he didn’t want that girl anymore, and that you were the one he wanted. But you knew, at this point in time, that it wouldn’t happen.

You knew deep down that the only way to truly get over Baekhyun was to finally face him. That didn’t mean that you had to be friends or that things were going to go back to how they were. Shit, how could they after all that you’d been through? Seeing Baekhyun in person didn’t mean that you were committing to anything specific. It just meant that you’d be in the same room, breathing the same air. No harm in that, right? 

You had to face Baekhyun sooner or later. You weren’t obligated to accept his apology or to be friends. The only way to get over him was to acknowledge his existence. Maybe you could get to a point where you could have a conversation. Maybe, just maybe, you could be acquaintances or something. But for now, you decided to just let things play out. You’d just be yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t even have to interact with Baekhyun in the first place.

You decided that you were going to go to the event tonight. You’d go to the event, support Drew, and then leave to go to the jazz bar with Sehun afterward. This solution was perfect, for everyone.

***

A/N: This is kind of a filler chapter but the next chapter will be longer and have the drama everyone’s craving, I promise! It’s worth the wait. And thank you to everyone who has supported me. And shoutout to my bestie for helping me through these ideas and giving me some much needed motivation!

Tag List: @shesdreaminginoverdose​ @multistania​ @jeonchan26​ @myonlyaurora​ @keloiu​ @xxluckydreamsxx​ @multifandomeras​ @blanknearvana​ @jddcfc-blog​ @jummyjammy​ @mintaemark​ @kokobyunee​ @fortheloveofinfinite​ @littleflowercrown13​ @wayvexo​ @to-all-the-stories-i-love​ @ggaayyyong​ @hyuniebaby​ @giriboyshogu​ @xyukheix​ @jekylluv​ @forbyun​ @endzii23​ @puppyeoliepop​ @aa-ronpa​ @serendipitydreamsss​ @princemicorazon​ @sjkings​ @marimsun @baekhypnotized

Please DM me if you want to be added to the tag list! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

[lesbianapplejack]

Any advice for someone trying to write a story?

These arent in any particular order but...

I'd say to start out by just writing out some ideas! Just toss stuff out there and see what sticks!

think about the stories you've read. what made you like them? what parts did you not like? what genres do you like to read? those are most likely gonna be the ones you want to write too!

it can be sort of like art where you take bits and pieces to make your own thing! tho obviously within reason since you don't wanna like. straight up plagiarize something

You don't directly wanna jump into outlining bc i think itd get hard and convoluted that way sdfgf. you wanna have that general idea out first!

get to know your characters once you make them! maybe even write some "what if" scenarios to explore how they react to things (even if those scenarios aren't necessarily things that you think are going to happen in the story).

in my early pw classes, they had us write a SPOOC to get the bare bones of the story. It's sort of like an elevator pitch--you want something quick and easy to summarize the story to someone in only a couple of minutes that'll make em want to know more!

Situation (whats happening)

Protagonist (main character)

Objective (their initial objective)

BUT CAN THEY DO THAT WHEN

Opponent (antagonist)

Climax (something that stops the protag from achieving the objective)

Here's an example from a story I had to write for a short story course!

SITUATION: When the Park comes under gang control

PROTAGONIST: Smallfoot

OBJECTIVE: must free the other rats from their rule.

But can he beat the gang when

OPPONENT: Gold

CLIMAX: steals away his best friend, Clover?

After that, you can start outlining! you basically want to write all those scenes. Depending on your intended length, you may want more or less scenes. This is basically your roadmap to follow!

Also try to make the beginning something that hooks people in

make your antagonist in constant opposition with the protag. if the stakes arent high and interesting your readers will start to lose interest!

i cant reiterate this enough HAVE HIGH STAKES! DON'T BE AFRAID TO HURT YOUR PROTAG! PROBLEMS MAKE A STORY INTERESTING!

remember to try to have some sort of arc of change for the protag. if they dont come out changed by the end then not enough happened to them (and like it doesnt have to be extremes your story could be coming-of-age and the protag finally accepts themselves flaws and all)

describe things! don't just say "he entered the room" what does the room look like? "a mysterious woman walked into the bar" what does she look like? describe, describe, describe! it helps paint in the gaps your readers are left with if they just see the word room or whatever

this wasnt really taught in my classes but i think its important lol if i, say, decide halfway through writing that one part of the story is eh or simply does not work any more, i cut the part ive written out (as well as the part of it from the outline) and put it in another doc! you never know when you may need it again and if its deleted you may lose some great stuff you had to begin with!

give your character room between scenes to think, reflect, react, and/or figure out how to move on from what just happened (this is called a sequel!). ex. the building they were just in exploded and now that the protag is somewhere safe(er) they need to react! omfg that was scary af! owie ive got cuts! whatever! just dont rush scene to scene. it's a breather of sorts for your reader

read! watch tv shows and movies! you learn from viewing how others do it. maybe even try to take notes of any of the above you may notice in a story!

Uhh so I think i'll stop there i have written...a lot for this asdfhgfd

Hope that makes sense i think i mightve went...overboard? which i NEVER ever do!/j

[eberles]

i hate u, i love u

Rafe Cameron

(gif by @toesure :)

Request: A Rafe fic based on the song “I hate u, I love you” by gnash (ft Olivia O’Brien) PLEASE MAJOR RAFE VIBES 🥺💖 @fav-imagines

A/N: I wanted to cry writing this lol idk why but it hit me right in the feels!! it’s kind of all over the place, if anyone is confused by, don’t worry bc i am too!!!! lol anyways enjoy!! (this is probably the first thing ive ever written that goes with rafe’s character) bold = lyrics, italics = flashbacks

Warnings: angst, mentions of drugs, cheating, lying, toxic relationship, swearing

feelin used, but im still missin you and i cant see the end of it just wanna feel your kiss against my lips and now all this time is passing by, but i still cant seem to tell you why it hurts me every time i see you, realize how much i need you

I’ve spent months sitting in my room staring at the ceiling, and at the walls. I did a full Bella Swan from New Moon and let 3 months go by without being present for any of them. I didn’t care honestly...Even after spending all that time alone, i’m not still not healed from the heartache that was caused by him. I still miss him, his scent, his kisses, his clothes, everything. Rafe.

I went out once and he was the last person I wanted or planned to see, but of course, he was the only person I actually saw. Sure, there were other people around, but none of them mattered. Everyone else felt greyed out except for him. He was the only light I could see in those short moments. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, my breath hitched in my throat and it felt like there was no air left to breathe.

After months it still hurts to see him again. It hurts because I realized I still need him even after everything. I hate him. So why do I love him? The feeling of him being the only one I want, the one nobody could ever replace...it’s overwhelming and I can’t seem to shake it. But me? He replaced. It looked like it was easy from my point of view. He needed her, wanted her, and i’m not her.

i miss you when i can’t sleep or right after coffee or right when i can’t eat, i miss you in my front seat, still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don’t remember. do you miss me like i miss you? fucked around and got attached to you.

My head was consumed on thoughts of you. It was constant. Like the leaky faucet in the bathroom or the loose floorboard. Always running, always broken. I miss you. Maybe you’ll come around, but for now...I wish you were here instead. When it’s late and I can’t sleep, I think about you. When it’s early and I can’t eat, I think about you.

“Where are we going?” you giggled excitedly, grabbing my hand from across the console in my truck.

“Shh, I told you it’s a surprise baby, we’re almost there anyways.” I laughed at her giggling like a kid, she had so much excitement in her eyes. She was always ready for anything, even if it was 2 in the morning and I love that about her. I love everything about her.

“Ugh fine!” she groaned dramatically and rolled her eyes in a full circle looking up at the ceiling. “Why are we at the beach?” you didn’t even give me enough time to answer before jumping out of the truck and running towards the sand laughing the entire way to the water. Once I caught up with you, I grabbed your hands and pulled you close into my chest, kissing your forehead. When we broke apart I laid down a few blankets on the sand, noticing you were cold, I also gave you my sweater.

We stared at the stars and talked about anything and everything for hours. It felt magical. We stayed until the sun came up, watching the sunset before driving back to my house for some much needed rest.

Walking over to my closet, curious to know if that same sweater ended up back in my closet after that night. I reached in, digging around not finding anything and decided to look in my dresser instead. Of course, it was folded neatly in the drawer you used to call yours. Grabbing and shaking it out I noticed the light pieces of sand that fell from it. I brought it in to my nose wondering if it still smelt like your perfume. It did. I’m always tired lately, but never of you. Do you miss me too?

if i pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit, i put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit. i type a text then i never mind that shit, i got these feelings, but you never mind that shit. you’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know.

To Y/N: i wanna talk, i think...maybe i miss y-

*delete*

To Rafe: I miss you so much, it hurt someti-

*delete*

“Y/N...what’s going on? You’re off in never never land! Do you still miss him?” Kiara asked, gently shaking my knee to gain my attention back to the group. I looked at her and around at the rest of the pogues and put a smile on my face, shaking my head.

“Of course not, it’s been months! I’m so over him, guys. Besides even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.” I tried so hard to sound confident. I hope they bought it. Of fucking course, I miss Rafe. I’m still in love with him for gods sake. I hate that I want him.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Sure, i’ve moved on, but I think about y/n, just about everyday. I guess for me, moving on is finding someone new, but not actually wanting anyone new. I just couldn’t bare to be alone anymore with my thoughts. I deserve better than that, personally.

“Anyways Topper, if y/n wanted me still, she would say so right?” I looked at Topper, silently hoping he would lie to me, just tell me what I want to hear, man. “If I were her, I would’ve never let me go. She’s missing out.”

“Hell yea, dude! That’s the right attitude.” Topper said, jumping up to high five me. Of course, that was the statement he was on board with. I hate that I want you.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

I haven’t been to a party in months, Kiara and Sarah thought that this would be the most fitting post-break up activity for me. Maybe meet a new guy or something. I tuned out when they were telling me about it and just agreed. What I neglected to listen to, was that it was a kook party. So now, i’m at a party alone, since my friends ditched me to dance with each other. And on top of that, I watch him watch her, like she’s the only girl he’s ever seen.

It took less than an hour of being at this party for us to end up in a room alone together.

“You don’t care! You never did!” Rafe shouted, running his hands through his hair, clearly exasperated with this conversation. I don’t even know how it started. One minute I was watching him with another girl, and the next he was hauling me off, away from everyone.

“You don’t give a damn about me, Rafe! How is it you never notice that you’re slowly killing me?” you wanted to yell back at him, to scream at him for putting you through this again, but you couldn’t. He didn’t say anything in return so you continued, “I hate you, and I hate that I love you, Rafe.” I’ve tried to move on, but even the simple thought of dating anyone but him, makes me physically ill. Why does it have to be like this?

“I don’t mean no harm, I just miss you on my arm, babe. Do you ever wonder what we could’ve been y/n?” He’s taunting me by asking dumb questions, as if I wanted this to happen, as if i’m the cause of all of this. Rafe’s the one that was closed off, not me. Of course, he switches the stories and i’m sure everyone at this damn party thinks I left him heart broken.

“You have a girlfriend, why are you even asking me that?” I was starting to get angry, I felt like he was toying with me.

He’s laughing. Of fucking course, he’s laughing at me. This is all one big fucking joke to him. “Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix. Isn’t that what you always told your friends Rafe?” I was furious, how could he act that way after everything? He’s still a child though, that will never change.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

You were right. I did lie to you, multiple times. About where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. I didn’t want you to know I was such a fuck up. You didn’t deserve the pain of finding out I was lying and cheating and drugging. You did anyways though. Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed.

“Rafe! Come dance with me!” I downed the rest of my drink before throwing the glass down and walking away from the new girl I was seeing. I didn’t care anymore.

I don’t want you, Y/N. I shouldn’t fucking miss you. I don’t deserve to! Seeing you again is such bullshit. If you wouldn’t have shown up here, I wouldn’t have said those things to you. Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges, just to create some distance. You didn’t deserve that, I knew it, but at least now you might learn your lesson and stay away. It’s for the best, right?

I hate that I love her, but I can’t put nobody else above her.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

I wasn’t sure if I had the closure I needed, but after that particular conversation with Rafe I felt a little better. I returned to the party with my head held high and danced with my friends. I hoped he was watching me too since i’m not sure what he was trying to do by joking around at my expense. But maybe if he thinks it didn’t bother me he will know how it fucking feels. 

I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings when love and trust is gone. I guess this is moving on. I hate you, I love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw assault / abuse / domestic violence (kind of)

honestly i think im just asking for validation with this, i dont have anyone in my life i currently feel comfortable opening up to about this but i need to tell someone if that makes sense.

i was with an abusive boyfriend from late 2018 off and on again until about a week ago. i told him he was making me feel like i wasnt even a person anymore and just an object, and he got angry and blocked me and said to never speak to him again. i was upset at first of course but ive felt a lot better in the days since that, now that im away from the abuse.

what has been weighing on me is feeling obligated to stay silent, that no one knows the things he did behind closed doors, or feeling like no one believes me. he told me in our last conversation to not tell anyone about anything. i had also outed him with a statement publicly last year, for a sexual assault while i was incapacitated and abuse. his close friends harrassed me and threatened physical harm against me until i backed down and deleted everything i said. he faced no consequences for anything and no one believed me, with some girls even messaging me "he wouldn't do it to me so i don't believe you." shortly after all of this died down, he asked to speak with me in person and i went with it hesitantly. he told me that since the night i thought i was SA'd he was sober and i had smoked far too much and blacked out, that i didn't remember it correctly and i had consented to everything but only he remembers it. and he's right, i don't remember anything besides very blurrily being scared from how high i was and saying "i dont want to do anything tonight im scared" and waking up to us being intimate, him carrying me to the shower and it happening a second time then. i still don't know to believe the little bits of my own memory or his fully conscious sober memory of that night, so i stopped calling it assault. the other part of it that bothers me is he has never apologized to me or even said he feels bad at all. this is after four? years of cheating on me, breaking down my self esteem, punching holes in the walls and screaming at me and sending me to the mental hospital (by bus, alone) for how he treated me. i reached out a few days ago on an account he didnt block just to say i wanted an apology, and that it isnt fair that he couldn't even say he was sorry after everything. he never responded and immediately blocked me. i know he is always talking to a large amount of girls, including those who are barely 18 at his job while hes 21, almost 22. it makes me uncomfortable that none of these girls know the kind of things he is capable of, and i feel like its my responsibility almost to warn them, but i know he would endanger me if i did. i just wish anyone knew how he is if that makes sense, being silent is making it harder to heal.

Hi anon, 

First of all, I want to say that you are valid. And secondly, this shouldn’t have happened to you. And I want you to know that I believe you. Completely, and without a doubt.

I won’t tell you to put labels on it, but I will tell you that you are valid in calling it assault if you want to. You were too high to properly consent, and you remember saying “I don’t want to do anything”. It all should have stopped at that point. And it is not okay that it didn’t. 

I also want to say that as hard as it is, it is not your responsibility. Your safety is important and you should always come first. 

You deserve to be heard and to be able to talk about it and I am so sorry you got harassed when you tried. You deserved better. 

April