#i am tired and i need caffeine
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Offering our survivors of Christmas a cup of hot tea or coffee. Both fictional and non fictional. Our blorbos, our cryptids, and our social butterflies who partied out.
#mk11#mkx#mortal kombat#mk1#baldur's gate 3#mk1 2023#bg3#dragon age inquisition#resident evil#christmas is hell#i am tired and i need caffeine
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i don't know if i am horrible at communicating when i want a little attention or when i feel forgotten, or if people just in general never think it is about them because in their mind all of our needs are met and i am venting about everybody else?
#both could also be simultaneously possible#but doing the first one feels like shit cuz i want the need for me to naturally come and it somehow feels forced#even tho they could just listen to me and then reassure me once and then never think about it again#so like maybe i cant force anyone to feel anything anyways#so i should not worry about the results being insincere after i open up about them#but then it just makes me feel even more like shit cuz then i cannot hide behind it not being on purpose or out of lack of care#if they change nothing#and then i have to confront myself if i can live with it or if it hurts me too much or if i should give it less energy to preserve my sanit#BUT THE SECOND THING#which is a valid assumption on their sides i mean i had friends say they do not have friends#but then they did not count me in there#which i only realised after comforting them and also just asking so i know how i could support them more in such times obvi#i should really not drink this much caffeine and sugar in a day#it creates emotions and tired awakeness at night and we cant have that#DO NOT CONSUME 2 ENERGY DRINKS AND TWO COFFIES A DAY PEOPLE#W A R N I N G#nobody take this personally too please i am just great#it will all turn out well the road is sometimes just bumpy but its rideable yknow#BUT I AM DOING AMAZING fr fr#like no worries please i really did just get philosophical at midnight for no reason other that high sugar intake
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You ever thought about characters you're writing about & go oh you 2 are definitely fucking later 👀
#things i think about when i should be working#so tired#i need caffeine#fanfic writing#fanfiction writing#why am i like this#why am i doing this#fanfic writers#fanfic problems#fanfiction problems
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god I am not keeping up
#either my workload is too high or I am not managing it effectively or I am just someone who does not have a very large capacity for things#.txt#maybe a little from column a little from column b etc#idk. My thing is just that I want to be capable. ok. I don’t need to be good at everything all the time. I just want to be capable#but doing anything takes me so long. and I get tired. and I get distracted. and I get bored. and I don’t pay close attention to detail.#and I underprepare. and I overestimate my capacity. and I don’t plan ahead because I’m constantly playing catch-up#and I’m constantly playing catch up because I don’t plan ahead. and I depend on caffeine and alcohol to regulate my energy levels.#and I don’t have time to fix anything. I get so tired.#augh idk. maybe I can pick one of these things to focus on.#ok thx everyone. this has been the self pity power hour. good night.
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Life is so hard. But I get to sit with baby pigs and goats every day and feed my shrimps and go to reptile shows with my wife and play video games and live day by day. Wasn't anticipating being sappy but between loved ones and DND and stuff I've been feeling so much more able to be myself. ^_^ And be proud of what that means. Even if I am shy about it.
#insane son of dzemael who fucked off to be a hairdresser#i miss a lot of people and i hate being tired every day#but i am creating art that is healing to me#i am playing games that make me happy#i am doing my best!!!!#i should be sleeping but i had caffeine :( but i can be in this beautiful world for a little longer :)#and then the boo will pick me up ad we will look at lizards and snakes and rocks and then get food ans hang out#i need to get so much done this weekend but fuck if im not going to have a good timeeeee#2024 is year of do it scared#im trying to be less of a hater too but thats hard. LOL
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#i am THIS close to lighting something on fire for realsies#i spent all day yesterday exhausted beyond belief and decided to go to bed early and get some rest. so i go to bed at like 9pm.#what time did i wake up you ask?????#11 fucking 30 pm. 11 FUCKING 30 PM AT NIGHT#i BOLT awake like i had caffeine injected into my fucking veins. no idea why. out of nowhere i am UP.#it is now 5:45 am and i have been tossing and turning this entire time. cant sleep. cant get comfy. im so tired but im SO awake#and i have a meeting at 10am and need to start getting ready at 8:30 so im wondering is it even worth??? pretending to sleep at this point?#im going to cry i just want to sleep whyyyyyyy is this happeningggggg to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee#anyway hope everyone is having a good morning or good night or good whatever time it is#may you all be well rested bc lord knows im not#personal
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ranking running fuel that i've tried so far
Maurten gel 100/caf 100 . this stuff is crazy like I did NOT believe the guy when he told me he only took 3 gels during a marathon and at my pace that is not feasable but like. Best gel I've tried. Mild flavor, good (more solid but not really) consistency, and both an immidiate and a lasting energy boost.
Maurten gel 160. again perfect combo of flavor, consistency, and boost, but no caffeine. I've only tried this 1x otherwise it might be No1. Only major L is these r both PRICY.
Gu (w/ caf or w/out). Gu is the first sports gel I did cuz my dad does them and I don't mind them tbh. I like the flavor variety though I'm not the hugest fan of some of them... Consistency doesn't usually bother me. 100cal so a little smaller than the no caf maurten. I feel like they have a good energy hit to them... Classic for a reason?
Random chew I got given at my last race. I don't usually like chews but this one kept me from cramping and tasted good. I think it was a european brand. Tougher than other chews I had but in a good way. This is really unhelpful isn't it. Might convince me to try some more chews if I can, you know, find them. Also I got mad bored with my gels on my long run today even though they were all different flavors.
Hammer Nutrition gel. I remember really liking the flavor - maybe it was huckleberry? - but then I couldn't find it again and then I gave up. Other than that, I must have thought it was about the same
Gu Rocktane. I've only done this one once (during my marathon) and I think it was the green one. Seemed good? All these caffeine ones I never know if I'm quite using right but they don't bother me as long as I don't have a crazy amount. Only 1 or max 2 with caf if I mess up what I bring anyway.
Science in Sport gel. GOOD OTHER THAN THE ORANGE FLAVOR. I HATE THE ORANGE FLAVOR. I thought I hated these but I'd just tried orange first and unfortunatly I have like 3more orange flavor bc i bought a BOX. my current ranking is pineapple, apple, berry (?), probably every flavor I've never tried, and then orange. I also really don't like the consistency but it's fine. Tolerable. Probably the best if I had to take one without water?
Honey stinger chews. I feel like i liked these and they were a good size and not too much chewing. Good for slower intake?? I didn't feel like they did much except make me look forward to having a little round chewy thing.
Honey stinger stroopwafel. I love a stroopwafel but I don't really know why they are an energy thing. The taste is great. Probably #1 on this list in taste. However there are CRUMBS. I hate chewing things with crumbs WHILE RUNNING because I'm convinced I'm going to inhale and choke.
Applesauce? Like the kids ones? I actually kind of loved the flavor and got a little boost but it didn't feel like it lasted. I also don't LOVE the consistency while running. Almost a little too liquid?
Cliff bar. I like a cliff bar and they don't have the crumb issue. But also they are a cliff bar... They are so heavy. But they'll do in a pinch. I actually miss cliff bars...
Candy rings this guy I was running with shared. Too sweet and I had to chew. Bonus would be they are super cheap. Maybe if I was running way further I'd eat more candy.
Honey stinger gel. I've only done this one once and I was convinced it did nothing. I think i also thought it was too sweet. This was like, two years ago take this with a grain of salt.
Nature valley bar. Only when desperate. I don't want to choke to death. Probably my go-to granola bar otherwise tho. Good before or after.
Turron bar. HORRIBLE. not only mediocre on taste but also i was convinced I was going to inhale almond bits and die. Why a nut candy bar was marketed for sports... I don't know. So. Much. Chewing. I didn't know what this was before trying to eat it while running. L.
#I need to find another running store the last one had like. Nothing#Clearly I haven't tried that many brands... I just kinda try whatever#As a kid i was obsessed with the gu jelly beans but I've never had them while running#I usually do my first gel at like mile 7-8 and then try to do every 3-4 mi after that. So today I ran 21mi and did 4#Idk. I'm not that good at nutrition while running I think but I'm not that BAD at it either#But I also used to be able to run like 30min after eating and I can't do that anymore so maybe I'll get more sensitive#I also neeeeeed to get more chews or smth cuz today was the first time I was like wow i am actually kinda tired of these.#But it's cuz i rlly don't like the SIS ones and I had three of those#Tetrapod runs#Posts for NO ONE#Well actually posts cuz i had caffeine at like 3pm and now can't sleep
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#free housing#free utilities#housing#housing crisis#homeless#polls#just wondering#i am tired and i need caffeine
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Having both adhd and chronic fatigue is a trip cause it's like what do you mean I have too much energy and not enough energy at the same time. God strike me dead
#im laying in bed too exhausted to actually do anything but also stimming at the same time??#feeling the need to stim means i have excess energy right? so why cant i actually like. feel that energy??#if i believed in god then id be convinced that he has a personal grudge against me and this is my punishment#also this makes it so drinking caffeine is a gamble every time#for whether itll give me energy or make me more tired#how am i meant to live laugh love in these conditions......#drew-jupiter is typing#adhd#chronic fatigue
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good morning y’all regrettably it seems that i have woken up against my will ONCE AGAIN……..
#and w a migraineheadache ewwwww#i started getting it last night before bed but i was like eh it’ll go away#but then i woke up at like 8am to my cat doing some bullshit and the headache was still there but like more prominent?#i was tired tho so i went back to bed n here i am awake at 1130 n my head huuuurrrts#i’m forcing myself to eat these lil mini chocolate rice cake things then imma go make coffee#caffeine is good for headaches btw#also my dads like ‘we need to take ur storage boxes to the storage place’ n im like uhh i literally just woke up w a migraine no#also i had a bad day yesterday n no one cared abt me to check on me#n ik that’s dramatic cuz like i didn’t even leave my room but try explaining that to my inner irrational child who wants to be comforted#wike a whiny wittle baby lol#anyways i’m gonna b less dramatic today than i was last night sooooo sorry to anyone who witnessed that lmaoooooooooo#shut up cianna
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Ok so it turns out that maybe it's not just that I was sick and kinda fuzzy but I think the burn out finally won gang
#I basically get up to walk and then lie down again. I had to watch the fnaf movie in two parts bc I had to go lie down (I was sitting#comfortably at my desk)#like. I think I really overdid it last month bc of all the dr appointments and it finally caught up to me#I'm hoping it eases up in a few days. at least enough I can chip away at drawings bc I miss it ;;#I'm just too tired to do it. I am soo tired man#I might also try to do a caffeine detox. see if that helps a little (sometimes it does)#sunny with clouds#or maybe it is the sickness and now the antibiotic is also making me exhausted?? I hope so#idk#if you're reading this uh don't forget to hydrate n take care of yourself and rest when you need to 💙
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Not dad trying to tell me about some big fallout news he heard about from some work colleague 😂 oh what the poor man just subjected himself too.
#it was about that leak from weeks ago. dad got quite the details about it. he walked right into that one.#and that dear sir is why we do not try to bring news about the hyperfixation. i will know about it and you will hear about it.#dude even got the history of fallout 3 as a bonus. since that was the one he mentioned 😂#he also got a very veeeery long version about why i would necessarily get so excited about the leaks.#you know age of the document. the whole company sale thing. how much the time line clearly has already gone to shit. etc etc etc.#yeah... yeah i think he really came to regret that one 😅#listen i have only slept 5 hours. am high on caffeine and painkillers- almost had a migraine ok.#which means i have like 0 filter rn and am quite brain tired. i will not realise how long i am going on for once i get started rn.#the info dump has started and it will end when i brain says so. i sure af won't notice I am doing it cause I'm just excited to share#not until i manage to like finish my long ass story do i realise i went on for like a good 20-30 minutes... oops.#and that may just be a generous estimate cause i got really going on the infodump ok. it was a blast. ngl.#i am very passionate about fallout ok. this is what happens when you fall asleep to fallout lore most days of the week.#yes i lost the plot ages ago about this hyperfixation. it makes me very happy. so i don't even care. i will keep doing it.#til the hyperfixation dies and bring great sadness to the lands... til we find something else. god knows when that is though.#i am very ok if fallout hyperfixation just... doesn't go away actually. i like hyperfixation. brings many a solution when upsetty.#.... i really need to stfu up now. hi. 👋 why are you still reading this??? these ramblings of a madman. 😂#ryder speaking#i got this far before i realised i did not in fact write wouldn't get excited... well i aint fixing it now 🙃
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hm
did the whole 'close eyes even if just to rest' thing, did manage to fall asleep at some point enough to get woken up by my six fifteen alarm
turned my alarm off, did what felt like the equivalent of blinking, opened my eyes again, and suddenly it was an hour later
i mean, luckily i'm working from home today, so i just have to decide when i'm opening up my work computer and that's when my workday starts, but it was extremely bizarre to just... lose an hour like that
#also i am very tired but i expected that#don't think i need to do anything today aside from be available for work#next thing i know i'm doing is tomorrow afternoon#so hopefully i can just get caffeine and sleep tonight and all should be good
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i tried an energy drink today to see if it would do anything and. well. it didn't. it made me fucking tired is all. and now i'm mad that i'm tired, bc i have a paper to do and i STILL CAN'T FOCUS ENOUGH TO DO IT
#screams cries rends clothes etc#like. jokes aside i need to write this goddamn paper. its not due Soon but it has to be started bc im working this week and the next#and i know that fucks w my ability to do school work real bad#i was kind of hoping the caffeine either wouldnt do anything or would actually make it easier to focus. nope. just tired#levi.txt#just. i only have 2wks left to school. this is my only paper#its ALWAYS a struggle to do things at the end of the semester anyway but this worries me#bc while this semester has been rough bc im so off my game#im just. terrified for next semester. when im taking 4 english courses at once#i dont know how im gonna do it. im petrified ill go and nuke my gpa bc all that work is gonna be nigh impossible to manage#i dont know why i let myself get talked into doing honours i am not good enough at school to do honours like this#not that im not smart enough! i think i am!#but i cannot focus enough to do this. and i cant get any help
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someone get my tinnitus to shut up please
#it's so loud today :( it's because i drank caffeine isn't it. well i needed the morning coffee today :(#i am so bone tired :(#personal
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Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*
#and don’t say take your medication#fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you#we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere#between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no#where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T#THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS#I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing#AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN#I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn#i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy#with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices#but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it#no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop#I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England#Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by#the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now#every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I#feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning#and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and#Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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