#for whether itll give me energy or make me more tired

[drew-seri]

Having both adhd and chronic fatigue is a trip cause it's like what do you mean I have too much energy and not enough energy at the same time. God strike me dead

[naturenaruto]

a way ive started to think of it is this happens to prevent further enjoyment.

its like:

>something zaps the joy out of you

>lose interest

>stop doing The Thing

so ive started to look at it like the whole entire point......is to make me Not Do The Thing™️

whether its bc i get mad or sad or frustrated or too tired or lose interest or just dont feel the hype anymore, its not so much about what im feeling as much as its about the end result

which is to make me stop doing the thing

its something thats working against you to prevent future fun and happiness,

like feeling suddenly really down before going to a movie and theres a time limit and it stresses you out bc ur not ready yet and u get exhausted and you just might as well not even go right?

thats what it wants

it wants you to not go to the movies, not keep watching that show, not hangout with your friends, not do that school work thats due tomorow, not get up out of bed in time, not do what you want, not do what you need to get done its all happening to slow ur life down and to derail it to the point where you just give up.

maybe they used to call this demons getting inside your head, right now its called mental illness, maybe in the future theyll say its aliens fucking with your mind, but regardless of who or what, the entire point is to deflate you to the extent where you end up not even being able to get out of bed even though you need to go to the bathroom and eat and clean and try to find a new job bc you lost ur last one and rent is due next week.

it wants to take away your energy to do things you enjoy and to get things done.

not everyone can be the 'suffer thru regardless' type but something thats helped me is that when i start feeling the disinterest set in, i keep doing it anyways, even if its not Technically Fun anymore

bc i know the entire point is to make me just sit there and stare at the wall and rot my life away so if i just trudge thru ,

at the very least.....itll be one more show ive watched (which will absolutly add something to my mind), one more time i got out of bed for work (which is need in order to live independently), one more time i choose to go out to a place instead of sitting in my room staring at my phone (which eventually helps to break up masses of time and the memories of where you went and what you did help you to want to keep doing things in the future)

honestly the worst thing about adhd for me is that a new hobby or hyperfixation is one of the greatest sources of joy, but its always haunted by the knowledge that it won’t last and i don’t get to decide or even know how long. I can’t count on being interested in anything long term.

it feels like theres a clock ticking above my head and i cant see how much longer i get to enjoy something. i can’t start big projects for fear of never finishing them. i have to hold myself back from anything that requires long-term commitments or consistency because i can’t rely on future-me to follow through.*

when i pace myself and try to casually keep up with something after the hyperfixation ends it just isn’t the same, the joy is gone. when i say fuck it and just let myself run, i end up trying to cram years of a hobby into weeks or months. i bite off way more than i can chew, burn out spectacularly, and spend the next month feeling guilty every time i look at the pile of expensive, unused materials that i sat down one day and never picked back up.

Theres a toll that years of it takes on your self-trust, it compromises your ability to make decisions without second guessing the most basic things. “What will I want?” and “what will I like?” aren’t any less opaque at six months from now than six years. I can’t count on what I want. In a way, I can’t count on myself and there’s a grief that comes along with that.

i see so much about dealing with adhd shame, but i dont think i’ve heard more than one person express the grief that comes with losing something you really love, not because it leaves you, but because your body simply decides without your permission to stop loving it.

[pirate-kid2k19-blog]

How i can stay up for 48 hours so easily (dont reccommend, you might start hearing things or seeing things and you might drink an unhealthy amount of coffee or energy drinks, and u will make more stupid decisions):

After the first 24 hours is up, itll be easier to stay awake longer

Its hard to sleep when ur on cocaine 👀👀😂

Im scene and my name is kyle so obviously if i can i drink monster but if i really need energy then i drink a bang

I eat more. Food gives you energy, no matter what, even if its a small amount of energy, its still something. Without sleep, your body will absorb the food's energy instead of getting energy from sleep bc ur not sleeping.

I listen to fast pace music or metal. Music only makes me sleepy if its a song ive heard like 60 times already. Or if its spa music or sumn. So my favorite songs to keep me awake are listed by band here.

I keep moving around if i can. Whether its just fidgeting, cleaning, or simply moving my fingers a lot by typing quicker, i try to move more to keep my blood and energy flowing so i can stay awake easier

Keeping at least one bright light on or facing or using a light that is not white or offwhite. The brighter the better. If u have those decorative light strip things on ur ceiling or the top of ur wall or whatever, blue purple and red keep me awake the easiest. Or rainbow flashing (if you dont like flashing or itll give u a seizure or sumn then there should be a fade option i think. I had a rainbow party bulb that had a fade option. And im gonna get another one friday or saturday, whenever i get my allowance and a trip to walmart or home depot lol. But the fade is easier on the eyes than flashing) and make sure youre exposed to white or offwhite light at least every hour or so bc the color light will temporarily affect your vision if u r in it or look at it for too long.

Stay on your phone, tablet, or computer a lil if you can. The screen will keep u up. But dont stay on it for too long especially in the dark it can fuck up your vision and hurt your eyes. So be careful.

Strong scents. Sniff a strong perfume or if you have it a really strong candle or incense. The stronger, the better. Itll open yyour senses a bit.

Stretch your body or like move or shake a part of it every now and then to tell your body it needs to not fall asleep

I try to do as little as possible during the day to keep the energy for the night, unless i have to go do something important or tiring that day. If i have to do ssomething important or tiring and i know it i try to at least get about 4-6 hours of sleep. But this is abt pulling multiple all nighters in a row lol

If its obvious you didnt sleep at all and people are going to be asking you, heres some excuses:"i think i may be about to start my period or something maybe" "i just woke up tired idk" "i was up a little late last night because i couldnt sleep, and i also kept waking up a lot." "Idk why im so tired to be honest" "my (insert pet) kept me up all night" "i tried to sleep but my phone was blowing up all night and i was too tired to get up snd turn it or the notifications off" "(insert friend) kept me up all night" "i was watching youtube and got distracted, i didnt realize what time it was til it was nearly 3 in the morning" and those are some of the ones i use/have used/think might work

I try and have a lot of caffeine, but not too much. I drink like a cup of coffee, and have soda or smth with or between my meals. I still drink water and stuff, but i drink stuff with caffeine in it when i feel like im about to pass out or something.

Ive got insomnia anyways so i mean... (its undiagnosed but i literally have all the signs/symptoms, so we all feel theres no need to get the doctor to diagnose me since we already know for certain)

I sometimes do drugs yall sorry i failed at being sxe like i was b4 i was 8 😳👊

I talk to my friends if theyre awake. Some live on the other side of the world in like russia n shit so normally its daytime for them lol

I think ive gotten most of it. However if yyou need to stay up to like finish a project or sumn hmu, my dms and asks are open if you need more tips.

[rpkpopmemes]

stray kids i am not album

triggers: blood/depression/suicide mention

NOT!

“why does it feel like we’re all the same ??” “they expect perfection.” “the truth had been hidden away from us.” “i feel even more trapped.” “where am i ?? who am i ??” “i am not myself.” “why was i asleep for all this time ??” “i’m trying to find something that’s vague.” “i’m opening my eyes now.”

DISTRICT9

“people talk too much.” “all the nagging and cursing- please stop.” “whether i do well or not i’ll take care of myself.” “i’m always worrying.” “give me an answer- a clear answer, please.” “if you can’t then please stop interfering.” “in here we move according to our own rules.” “put away your negativity.” “back off.” “i don’t even know myself so why are you acting like you know me.” “better watch out.” “when others see us, we’re a bunch of delinquents.” “changing that view isn’t an easy solution.” “but we can’t lose energy.” “our duty is to prove who we really are.” “being different isn’t being wrong.” “soon the time will come when people get jealous.” “in the end it’ll be everyone’s refuge.” “please close your mouth and shh.” “the studio floor is red with our blood sweat.” “we ran like crazy, all night.”

MIRROR

“i am not me.” “when did it start ??” “it’s homework that no one ever assigned me.” “i had no chance to decide on what answer to give.” “i’m just running.” “i’m just following.” “i’ll get even more lost once i grow up.” “do you know ??” “you make me cry.” “you’re looking at me.” “where can i find it ??” “for once i wish i could see myself.” “i keep looking for it.” “i’m so different from the me i used to know.” “i don’t even know how i feel.” “the situation ends with either a question mark or three dots.” “i can’t touch it.” “i just did as i was told in the memories.” “what is the path i must go on ??” “don’t ask, just run.” “maybe i need to find a different mirror.” “how much more do i have to wander ??” “i don’t even know who i am.”

AWAKEN

“i don’t feel good.” “there’s something wrong.” “i threw the question out there.” “wake up.” “who was i for all this time ??” “i didn’t know until now.” “so what’s the problem ??” “i don’t know how to figure this out.” “i realized i wasn’t being myself” “a riot is happening inside me.” “i’m afraid.” “there’s a voice ringing in my head.” “it’s even scarier that i’m awake now.” “the fear scolds me.” “i’m tired of the same life.” “i used to have the same way of thinking as everyone else.” “i’m getting scared.” “someone answer me.” “i was always filled with questions.” “what’s the use ??” “but the answer is the same every day so I have nothing to say.”

ROCK

“you know me.” “that’s not me man.” “i don’t know. i’m upset.” “i’m so frustrated.” “hide carefully, i might see you.” “if you keep chasing your tail you’ll find nothing.” “you’re so boring and irritable.” “i wanna go so i keep repeating this all day.” “if it’s gonna be done poorly, better to not do it at all.” “it’s so hard.” “there are no worries when you’re unconscious.” “that actually might be better.” “humans with thoughts might be too much for me.” “how about I go back ??” “it’ll probably be better than right now.” “i don’t wanna do anything.” “i just wanna dream of being a rock.” “i just wanna sleep.”

GROW UP

"you fell down for a moment.” “it’s okay.” “i’ll help you get up.” “did you worry a lot ??” “it’s still your first time.” “everybody has been through this.” “adults had it too when they were young.” “we’ve still got lots of things ahead of us.” “we’ll grow going through them.” “don’t cry.” “when we fall behind we can take a break.” “you’re doing good.” “get up and roll up your sleeves.” “don’t give up.” “just hang in there.” “i’ll be by your side.” “you’re doing good.” “you gotta take your time.” “you can do it well.” “why is it so hard for me ??” “stop thinking about these stupid thoughts.” “the end is up to you. where is your destination ??” “the fact that you’re running towards your dream means you’re doing good.” “you’re doing good for sure.” “you’re doing your best as far as i know.” “just keep it at your own pace.” “don’t be so anxious.” “believe in yourself and rely on yourself.” “don’t give up even though it’s hard and you’re tired.” “you’re just a bit clumsy.”

3RD EYE

“show me what you want.” “i don’t know what’s right.” “will I be able to awaken it ??” “i know there is a part of me that i don’t know ??” “but i don’t know what that is.” “i wanna find my keys.” “i’ll give it a short kiss.” “i don’t want to be standing.” “i want to check myself.” “please don’t shut the door.” “i know but i can’t see.”

[scarletiris]

Intangibles.

well hello there people. if somehow anyone ever finds this, welcome back to another episode of scarletirisdrama. tonights episode discusses to myself what the fuck is the reason im being avoided? like okay so like before i went on the trip everything was perfectly fine you know? like i mean i had a relative/best friend i could always talk to, rely on, and idk just make me happy. even more happy than my ex has ever shown me, partly the reason is because well, we are family and we cant ever fuck that up, right? at least i think im right.. so anyways during the vacation and even after the vacation i KNOW, like i fucking KNOW there is some avoidance as if something is being hidden, with the exception of the last day and man, that was perfect. i finally seen her smile and be herself around me and not fear me or think of me as a burden to carry around. it was truly the best friend i knew and felt. however after i leave i just hear nothing. its all gone. nothing. nada. zip. like legit fucking silence. like i mean im replaying every scenario in my head, did ONE fucking trip to visit someone i care so much about ruin it all? like we had all these plans, japan, moving, school, life, having each others backs, like hold up hold up. lemme tell you guys something. just the other fucking day i was having a. bad day bc something went wrong and i couldn't get registered for classes, i got hella mad and just threw a random stack of paper in my drawers down, and on top fell a note she wrote to me, basically saying she’s so glad to have met me and so glad we are family, how she can come to me for anything and know that i always got her back. it was again, one of the happiest moments i ever felt. now i know where you guys are going, if you see it from a distance, you're all just going to be dude, youre like in love with her, and the answer is FUCK NO, thats gross as fuck. i hate hate hate hate incest, but she really does have something no other women in my life has had, just this natural happy, ecstatic confident energy/feeling in me. like you know that song idk uhm i think “Bubbly” Collie Colliat? or something like that? yea, thats how i feel around her and hearing from her you know? but nah the attraction i have toward her isnt intimate or sexual cause fucking ew. its more like, this passionate one of a kind feeling that i cant get with anyone else. that im always gonna fall on a cloud when things are feeling down and not flat on my ass on some concrete. but where did that all go? its gone, i feel it. i feel nothing anymore, as if i did some horrible crime and she has this metaphorical restraining order on me. was it something i. said? something i. did? the anxiety kills me to like sit here and wonder what the actual fuck happened? like theres NO fucking way she could have been THAT mad over me visiting her right? i mean she has been there for me in so many ways that she doesnt even know shes been there for me sometimes. Like i said and ill repeat what i said, this attraction i have toward my second cousin is not infatuated or lust or romantic cause omg ew. no, ill emphasize it again, its mental, spiritual, and invigorating to know someone has been there for me and i truly fully trust this person. being a relative age similar to mine, she is the first person i ever EVER opened my problems up to, i cant really open up to my siblings or relatives in cali bc being the oldest i want to show no signs of weakness. dumb yeah i know, but seriously its just that like wtf you want me to do? cry or vent or be sad to my brother or baby sister? like uhh. no. and its also the fact we are roughly 1700 miles apart and i feel closer to her than some of my closest friends here. thats why she gets that spot, she deserves it in such a small period of time, she deserves me to see her as my sole best friend. now i never ever believed in “best friend” but she is, and when she is basically that, and already family. she is literally my kansas city twin. that ill actually get mad when anything happens to her, that whether she likes it or not, ill be that overprotective cousin/friend who will stand up for her no matter what the stakes are.. but its like, what did i do you know? its gone, that feeling, i just get total silence when i try to talk to her, or i just get the strongest vibe that she just wants to stay as far away as possible to me, im pretty sure she doesnt even want me around her nor to move to KC or wherever she goes. if this is a lie, and im just overthinking it, then holy shit this agony is so sharp, now keep in mind i dont have clinical depression or anything im way too strong for that shit, but its like.. i do tend to overthink, but i dont think im. overthinking, this tangible idea t hat my best friend might hate me for something i did keeps dwelling at all angles of my brain. my very cells in my body shake from how distance we have quickly grown, AND FOR WHAT? like really? fucking for what? WHAT DID I DO IS THE QUESTION I FUCKING REPLAY. OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER. like if this was anyone else i would not give a fuck, its w/e but why her? why my cousin? like im tired of using the official title “second cousin” because shes so close to me i dont really give a fuck what that shit means but why is she avoiding me? like is it me or is it her or what like i reread my entire ENTIRE phone texts, and fb msgs from the very first time we talked too and it was all fine but now its like total silence, or itd be short quick texts none of this knowing how each others days went or whats on our mind. i cant even directly ask her because itll just make me look crazy if its overreaction but i think she truly has no. idea how painful it is to just like avoid me, if she just told me the reason even if its harsh as fuck and even to the point like “dont ever talk to. me look me up call me or mention me again dont even think of. coming to kc” you know, some fuckin crazy shit like that, ill cry you know? ill break down. but hey. at least i know the truth instead of always wondering the WHY question? Ash if you ever see this or somehow, if its recently you somehow see this, just be up front with me, if its the future and you see this down the road.. if we are still as close as i think we are, then lol my bad i just told you, i love to write when i feel down and have stuff on my mind. But.. if we arent close anymore by the time you ever see this, whatever i did, or whatever you might eventually tell me, i am sorry for it, i dont ever want to jeopardize my relationship and bond i have with you. youre my true other half that i dont literally have to be with as in together, cause 1 like i said thats so gross, and 2, i wouldnt ever wanna be more because youre already everything to me. i look up to you so much you know? youre the cloud cushion to my ass when i fall, and youre the ray of light when its nothing but darkness. youre the paradise to a place as beautiful as california. just know this time right now, August  13th, 2017 at 1:24AM pacific, ( 3:24AM your time) im hurting a bit. i just want to know the truth thats all. whatever youre hiding or even if its nothing at all! just i want my best friend back, and i want that euphoric feeling again...