scarletiris

[scarletiris]

can you stop?

like holy fuck i seriously fucking hate the feeling you been giving me? i visited you over a month ago, LITERALLY yes to hang out with you one more time bbefore we all go back to our busy schedule but ever fucking since i left you have literally fuckin ignored me. you really have and you cant f ucking deny it, i went from sorrow to confused to denial to just now fucking absolute anger and frustration, WHAT do you want to tell me? can you truthfully just admit it to me? i know you dont want to hurt me or let me down, but just say it.. this way hurts me literally so much more. look at the difference in how ive typed in my previous blogs. this is straight fucking frustration now and im so close to just fuckin being a total bitch and assuming the worst because right now this might as well feel like it. what the fuck did i do or what changed? really, what fucking changed? you said you would be there for me, was it overwhelming that i  took your word for it? was it actually fucking too much that i actually trusted you MORE than anyone i have ever put faith into? too much to handle so you just bounce right.,? oh yeah i forgot im probably just the distant fun summer time cousin. whatever fuck it. if you ever read this ashley dont ever fuckin apologize, i just want you to know how it made me feel, maybe you can live with that but i just want to understand what the fuck i did you know? and stop giving me that bullshit that nothing is wrong CLEARLY evidently theres fucking silence in the air., all it does is build up so much tension. it really does.,asldkasd fuck it you know? we are both adults, we can make the decision for ourselves and clearly fucking youve made yours. youre right, we shouldbnt be arguing as if we are in a relationship so why are you treating me as some ex then? hella fucking distancing yourself from me, ive felt this feeling before and i dont get how the fuck it even happened.ashley if there was ever a time i needed you to drop this game it would be now, it would really be now, we planned japan, trips, moving, and everything together i just need you to feel how im feeling right now, all these plans and promises and suddenly the person whose in it with me just vanishes. just understand that. its total fucking confusion and anger, and every day ive been just beating myself up over it. ive even moved past trying to ask whats the issue, to simply even trying to talk to you again, yeah even pretend there was no distant from us. but you dont see it cause all you ever do is push me aside. actually you cant even push me aside let me rephrase that, you just ignore me and pretend as if im not existant, whatefver. could honestly care less.

[scarletiris]

feelingless.

is it bad to feel numb at this point in my life? like im not sad, its just i realized i pushed away two important people in my life, and with my sister off to college, and me realizing i fucked up so bad in school its just taking a mental toll on me. Im sort of living life in the motion now, i have no idea how that happened, i really dont, to be honest i dont even remember how the fuck i started using tumblr again. i just been catching myself write a whole ton more lately. like i just have way too much on my mind you know? i mean i guess thats what it is. ever since Ash basically distanced herself from me the one person i needed most, i felt this disguisting feel in my stomach that no one would want to hear from me, maybe thats why im numb, because i have no one to talk to, now i know i know, youre all but theres alot of people to talk to right? no, truthfully there isnt. i lost that idea of having someone close to comfort you and vice versa. i know its my fault i did something to push her away, just wish she would admit it, i promise it would feel more assuring knowing she admitted something i did was off that caused this distance. and as for you Lane, i think about it more and more every day not as i count down my time here, how i wish we could have remained close in a sense, even though we wouldnt have been in a relationship, remember what you wrote me? “just to get that comforting assuring hug you give me when i was younger, to know everything will be okay.” yeah, i need one of those right now. but the future is so cold. its sort of as if im just destined to move the motion and just let it consume me. i have felt this way ever since i landed back in cali from KC, i dont know where my joyous spontaneous attitude went, i returned home more distant from everything than ever. the once small things that brought joy upon me now become a grey bland object that i stare at as if it were a statue, a piece of history. every day im just feeling more alone in this world that i have given up trying to take advantage of it and remembering how great life is. i know its there, i know life is great, i havent slipped completely, a part of me still believes in happiness. i just dont know where to find it, because i lost it within myself. the food i eat, the music i listen to, the activities i do, its all the same redundant feeling. and no i dont need to see a psychologist or along those lines. im fine. i really am. maybe i really am just fine and im over thinking it. but dont get me started on me being an overthinker. i still cant believe you Ash. just tell me what i fucking did so i can close that chapter. i want to run away from everything again. i want to hide, and have everyone forget about me. im losing grip of everything i was once so confident at. my patience, my temper, my emotion, i cant tell the difference between any of it. my family, my friends, my dogs, my hobbies, i cant feel any of the joy it brings me anymore. help? no. i dont need help. i need someone to listen, someone to hear my cry, because im trapped in this thing i. call a body, my mind and spirit is losing itself, and slowly ill just be a walking carcass. so someone. someone that was there for me, please remind me how life feels like.this isnt depression. its my life.

[scarletiris]

closure?

im not sure what caused me to spontaneously dig through my spam email and find your email and all the letters you wrote me, was heartwarming. ish. until i stumbled upon one i havent actually read. did i really hurt you? well wtf kinda question was that, duh i hurt you. but i thought i should have at least explained why. like everything i told you in that long and confusing jumbled essay i wrote, it basically explained everything i did and how i was back with you, i dont deny it Lane, for the sake to remain annoynomous if i ever refer to you in my blogs, you will be Lane, but im sure you know who you are. anyways i just thought i should give closure, at least for me, whether you wanted it or not. for so many years ive just been held with a burden on how much i want to tell you how much you mean to me, but for the sake of moving on i simply could not. lets be real, had i done anything sooner, so many mixed feelings and emotions would have happened. but i mean i felt i deserved it to myself to let it out finally, i mean who knows, maybe you wont even get it, maybe that email address i sent it to, you dont use anymore. a small part of me hopes so. so that we can continue living the way we do, but man Lane, i sure do miss you. 4am August 21st 2017. a little over 5 years since our break up. i do miss you every day, there hasnt been one day i have felt any less love for you since the day i met you, it was so pleasant, and innocent that night, the first time i went over to your house and we were just kids you know? that feeling was unlike any other, it was at that moment that i knew i would always love you forever. fuck. ill stop before i get too emotional, take care Lane. if somehow you feel like you need someone to talk to, ill be there, always.

[scarletiris]

you are right 100% i am wrong 100%

thats just how it goes. no, really, the more i think about it. you are right in the situation. i probably am over thinking, BUT what i am going to stand my ground as is i dont think you should have ignored me you know? i mean im trying to understand it a little bit more, but i know in some way or form, you show you care about me enough Ash. maybe i am just overthinking it and creating a problem when there was not one to start. or maybe me showing this level of platonic intimacy to you have driven you apart and is too much for you. ooh, yeah thats what i admire about writing, sometimes words just come to your mind. thats what i think this is, im so attracted to the person you are, it has nothing to do with anything sexual. its 100% platonic. like i admire your ambitions, nature, attitude, and just simply who you are as a person. how you can never be knocked down. and youll always bring other people up. I mean it still super sucks im being ignored, but i mean ill have to understand it, and understand you need to finish school and you cant find room to put me in your life. in the end, family is family no matter what and i know we will, i mean i will bounce back from this. stay strong Ash, hang in there, ill be more optimistic from here, get through school. you can do it. if you ever feel youll slip or feel like giving up. dont sweat it, ill be here for you. always. <3.

[scarletiris]

yes its about you.

i have no idea how my return to tumblr would be all about you, my cousin from KC. i just have no idea. but maybe what you said REALLY REALLY left me in a ditch after what you said. its like we really legit dont feel close anymore, am i overthinking? i really just want you to call me and tell me HEY, DUMBO. YOURE OVERTHINKING. but even if im overthinking, who would ever EVER ignore someone in a time of need? did you know ever since you told me you wouldnt drop everything when i need you to be here ive dreamt about you 4 nights in a row? its not even good dreams, its literally the same scenario. we would just be hanging out at a beach, or eating, and then i turn around, and you just disappear, i try to call, and look for you. but nope.. silence. then a couple days later i see somewhere that youre with other people having fun. its like im really a virus or something that you have to stay away from. thats how i feel you know? A L O N E. like i literally put my trust in you and you just distant yourself from me. so does that mean trust is a lie? i refuse to believe that. “then if you refuse to believe that stfu then” is what you would probably tell me, and hey to an extent it might be right. but what im still so literally in pain about is. how could you or anyone for that matter just ignore someone, especially family, even a friend in need? maybe its bc u havent known me that long. i see. that has to be it, anyone else you would drop what youre doing and just be there for me, I MEAN AT LEAST FUCKING SEE A MISSED CALL FROM ME, and be like hey you called? or call back? nope. legit fucking ignore. idk how many days im gonna blog about you, but its really pissing me off. im really fuckin upset, hurt, lied, betrayed. like. its the whole package A. the fact ive had nightmares 4 nights in a. row literally about you is the shittiest part. i just really enjoy knowing how your day is going. like your day, not mine or anyone elses. i enjoy being there for ya. but fuck its like you dont want me around, JUST SAY IT THEN. MAKE ME JUST STOP GUESSING. you know? because before we started catching up again, which was in 2016 by the way, i havent heard from you since like 2013 you know? after you visited cali? I WAS THERE FOR YOU. you came for me right? so i came for you, like sure i have family out in KC, but i really came just to hang out with you one time before school started, because i mean 1 night in vegas was super fun, but i just wanted to end my summer hanging out and catching up with you you know? like not just oh lets dance do drugs and stuff, but i guess my overthinking is getting to me, im just a fun cousin to you, not a serious one. just there for the fun and when its any real emotional attachment its deuces.. just within the next 10 months prove me wrong A.. let me believe you. let me still believe youre that super close person to me that actually is interested in my day, whats going on with me, and trusts me to let me know whats going on with you. thats why im in pain right now. i feel like you just threw me aside. 

[scarletiris]

distance is nothing but a number..

“im 3 days away from entering the hardest year of my program and im one F away from being dropped. it is selfish of me but im sorry if i cant be as sympathetic or caring for you as you need me to. im not thinking about anything else but trying to graduate.” yeah. i know. i get it. best of luck to you A, you dont even need luck with how talented you are. you just need to understand how much that hurt me. funny how being 1700ish miles away i felt like you were like across the room from me, i can go to you and open it and youd always welcome me, ever since i visited it feels 100x further than 1700 miles now.. im really. fucking. aching. and. sad. as of right now. is this your true color? did you seriously only keep me around until it was time to go back to school? like a fun passtime? “welp that was fun but schools starting. time to ignore you until schools over and having fun fucking with your heart and brain and emotions again until Ado. i wanna tell you how i feel about it so bad, like how i even last night had the shittiest fuckin nitemare and i literally woke u p seeing my arms try to reach for you at the end of my dreams, i was legit in a fucking motion of trying to reach for you before you faded away. fuck that sucks.. im not asking for an apology, just the truth, who am i to you? i tried asking, calling, and you would just ignore. fuck it. till next time i guess. “maybe if i ignore him long enough ill just forget about him.” see these thoughts? idk what youre thinking, but i know what im feeling. and its pain. a shit fucking ton of it.

[scarletiris]

confusion is also a deadly torture.

1:58 oh gee what a coincidence, it seems this number always pops up whenever something is wrong or like idk. like idk man i get it 158 i literally see it WAY too much. on anything. i get it. 158. ha ha. means 1-5-08 as in January 5th 2008. fuck. anyways its 1:58AM and i cant sleep, im like so fucking lost right now on how to be an adult. like just to jot some ideas down.. part of me wants to own a business, part of me wants to go to school, part of me wants to move, but lets centralize on the moving fact. im moving because i want to be independant, well THATS true, sort of? if i admit to myself that i want to move . because starting life over would be an option, that would be more accurate. you know, just rebrand yourself, away from the city you made a name for yourself, away from home. with just that one person who has your back, which im still so fucking confused by the way if you actually are there for me, or if i discovered your true colors and you are slowly pushing me away. like is that what it is? like when the dilemmas are put on you, you will run from it? even me? your fuckin cousin? like again, i am hurt. not as hurt as my first breakup when i realized it was over, but similar.. and the funny part is we aren't together like how am i feeling this same similar torture again? i want you to be there for me, but i dont want to say i want you there for me, i just want that natural chemistry we had to come back again, now everytime i try to do something it feels forced. like at this point. just be blunt just say “nah cousin, youre just a distant cousin, i come to you when i feel down but thats about it, all these plans we had, all these cute little things we do for each other to try to show we are close, its all just an act, cause once school starts and i figure out my life and who i am, i dont need you! im happy here in KC” like is that what u think of me? just a side cousin? like i didnt, i really treated you as close to me as my own family. because thats who you are to me, but at an even greater level, bc family ill always put first, bc their family, but youre also my friend. so that is what ill never fuckin understand. how how how how how how how what what what what what did i fuckin do?! you know? the agonizing fear, pain, anger, confusion that i go through? you have no current idea how im feeling right now. and thats what pisses me off, you just dont give a fuck, im a mess to you and youll avoid me until im “fixed”. im fuckin pissed at you, A. like why to me? sdlkfjsdl;kfnasdlkfnasd;lfkansd;fdlknsd

[scarletiris]

silence is the deadliest form of torture.

the title says it all doesn't it? like i mean i had a day to figure out what i did wrong, like i know you said theres nothing between us and you are not mad at me, but then why do i feel so distant from you? I know what i did wrong and every time i just want to pick up the phone and call you or text you but i know you need space, which is funny because you say theres nothing going on between us. So lets start from square one right? the part where i mentioned even though you are my blood cousin, i always considered you my actual definition of a best friend. You were always there for me in my lowest moments, seen my darkest times, and helped me actually be the sole reason why im able to smile again. All from being roughly 1700 miles away. So i guess when i admitted that to you and i started having such nervous conversations around you and i did notice you were quiet around me, ignoring my calls, like come on be real. like, obviously if you see a miss call and you dont respond to it or even text me back thats ignoring. like theres no way around it, A! thats why im a bit hurt you know? i know what i did was selfish. to assume that you were always going to be there for me when in reality, fuck it right? i mean we havent even known each other for too long, what, like 5 years if anything? you probably just see me as the “fun” california cousin and whatnot. but like, really. what. the. fuck? i was ALWAYS there for you and how i was raised WAS different yes? that no matter what the situation was no matter what problems went on, i would drop anything for you just to make sure you have someone to talk to and feel better, but when i needed you you tell me you cant be there for me and you should focus on yourself? like i understand it and all, but WHAT THE FUCK? is this your true color? is this the true you? you get where im coming from though? like if this is really you, its a nightmare you know? someone that i finally for the first time in my life put my absolute trust into, doesn't feel the same. now again, let me clarify that i know i fucked up. i was being a petty little bitch who kept pouring problems and scenarios where it doesn't involve you into them. I never once thought it might be too much for you and to be completely honest, i never thought it could ever be enough. I mean thats the idea right? of having someone as close as you? would you understand how i felt when you said that though? you knew i was more sentimental than you, i guess thats just the natural sexist persona though, males aren't suppose to have any feelings, they are supposed to always be strong and its a one way street when the girl vents to the guy right? if thats how it is really supposed to be then ill go back to it, to keep quiet to myself and just let it fade. But just know that really hurt, A. and whats worse is theres nothing from you anymore, just silence. no snaps, texts, calls, asking how im doing or if im up. and it really makes me mad. im just gonna be blunt bc i have so much disarray in my thoughts right now. like fuck man it really did hurt me and im mad and sad and upset and just confused. like where is it supposed to go from here? you see what the outcome was when you said that to me? its like, do you want me to move? are you waiting 10 months to find a good excuse to push me away and not have me move? are you trying to just cut me off completely and just finding the right words? i get it right? we are family, so word will get around and you dont want to be the reason you hurt me, but you dont know how else to say it right? so by just giving me the silent treatment and just disappearing from my life you want me to grow apart from you with my own hatred forming in my heart. NO. i dont believe that, i dont believe that you are a bad person, through anything. you have way too much passion in your heart to do that to me. What do i do then A? guide me. i need guidance, im not asking you to hold my hand, im asking for just a sign, a sign to show we truly are as you say on the same page and still close. because i dont feel it anymore and the lingering effect it has on me, with so many scenarios and outcomes replaying over and over are dismantling my very core of my belief in you. Not even just my belief in you, my belief in humanity, how when the going gets tough its ok to just bounce? and never be heard from again? LIKE again dude. i get it, pharmacy school and being 1 F away from failing the program is such a huge task, but did i ever say im gonna distant myself from you so you can pursue it? no, what did i say? i said NO MATTER WHAT, ill always be there for you. family is more important than a career, at least to me. i will never ever hate you if i lose my career to be there for you. thats why im mad, confused, sad, and clueless why you believe that your idea is correct. “it sounds selfish but im sorry if i cant be sympathetic or caring as you want me to be, i need to focus on myself” that stung, almost as much as “i dont feel comfortable weighing in on your important life decisions” like THE FUCK? do you know how much things stick to me? i cant just brush it off and forget it like you can. i cant just go oh okay see ya around next time. ill dwell on it, let the worst thoughts eat me up inside, and honestly its justifiable to dwell on that situation. like DUDE, my or at least IN MY EYES, the only person i can really call my cousin/bestfriend/hero just says no thanks? not interested.? how do you think that makes me feel A,? better yet how do you think im gonna react to it?>> everytime i see and hear from you i get really happy. just remember that, if we grow apart, ill never forget you A,. hopefully i really am just overthinking all this, see you soon, and hopefully i dont just waste my time and drag you down.. i just wish you were able to see my fear and be here for me. im sorry for being a brat about it. but i only want you to somehow see this and dont push me away like some ugly monster, but to just let me be a brat and let me hold onto ya for a bit. weird as fuck because im a guy and your a girl and its strange to know that a guy needs your help? is that why youre mad? idk. just know i need you here for me, and its antagonizing know you dont want to be..

[scarletiris]

#scarletiris #corinthans #love #art #life #morale

[scarletiris]

Intangibles.

well hello there people. if somehow anyone ever finds this, welcome back to another episode of scarletirisdrama. tonights episode discusses to myself what the fuck is the reason im being avoided? like okay so like before i went on the trip everything was perfectly fine you know? like i mean i had a relative/best friend i could always talk to, rely on, and idk just make me happy. even more happy than my ex has ever shown me, partly the reason is because well, we are family and we cant ever fuck that up, right? at least i think im right.. so anyways during the vacation and even after the vacation i KNOW, like i fucking KNOW there is some avoidance as if something is being hidden, with the exception of the last day and man, that was perfect. i finally seen her smile and be herself around me and not fear me or think of me as a burden to carry around. it was truly the best friend i knew and felt. however after i leave i just hear nothing. its all gone. nothing. nada. zip. like legit fucking silence. like i mean im replaying every scenario in my head, did ONE fucking trip to visit someone i care so much about ruin it all? like we had all these plans, japan, moving, school, life, having each others backs, like hold up hold up. lemme tell you guys something. just the other fucking day i was having a. bad day bc something went wrong and i couldn't get registered for classes, i got hella mad and just threw a random stack of paper in my drawers down, and on top fell a note she wrote to me, basically saying she’s so glad to have met me and so glad we are family, how she can come to me for anything and know that i always got her back. it was again, one of the happiest moments i ever felt. now i know where you guys are going, if you see it from a distance, you're all just going to be dude, youre like in love with her, and the answer is FUCK NO, thats gross as fuck. i hate hate hate hate incest, but she really does have something no other women in my life has had, just this natural happy, ecstatic confident energy/feeling in me. like you know that song idk uhm i think “Bubbly” Collie Colliat? or something like that? yea, thats how i feel around her and hearing from her you know? but nah the attraction i have toward her isnt intimate or sexual cause fucking ew. its more like, this passionate one of a kind feeling that i cant get with anyone else. that im always gonna fall on a cloud when things are feeling down and not flat on my ass on some concrete. but where did that all go? its gone, i feel it. i feel nothing anymore, as if i did some horrible crime and she has this metaphorical restraining order on me. was it something i. said? something i. did? the anxiety kills me to like sit here and wonder what the actual fuck happened? like theres NO fucking way she could have been THAT mad over me visiting her right? i mean she has been there for me in so many ways that she doesnt even know shes been there for me sometimes. Like i said and ill repeat what i said, this attraction i have toward my second cousin is not infatuated or lust or romantic cause omg ew. no, ill emphasize it again, its mental, spiritual, and invigorating to know someone has been there for me and i truly fully trust this person. being a relative age similar to mine, she is the first person i ever EVER opened my problems up to, i cant really open up to my siblings or relatives in cali bc being the oldest i want to show no signs of weakness. dumb yeah i know, but seriously its just that like wtf you want me to do? cry or vent or be sad to my brother or baby sister? like uhh. no. and its also the fact we are roughly 1700 miles apart and i feel closer to her than some of my closest friends here. thats why she gets that spot, she deserves it in such a small period of time, she deserves me to see her as my sole best friend. now i never ever believed in “best friend” but she is, and when she is basically that, and already family. she is literally my kansas city twin. that ill actually get mad when anything happens to her, that whether she likes it or not, ill be that overprotective cousin/friend who will stand up for her no matter what the stakes are.. but its like, what did i do you know? its gone, that feeling, i just get total silence when i try to talk to her, or i just get the strongest vibe that she just wants to stay as far away as possible to me, im pretty sure she doesnt even want me around her nor to move to KC or wherever she goes. if this is a lie, and im just overthinking it, then holy shit this agony is so sharp, now keep in mind i dont have clinical depression or anything im way too strong for that shit, but its like.. i do tend to overthink, but i dont think im. overthinking, this tangible idea t hat my best friend might hate me for something i did keeps dwelling at all angles of my brain. my very cells in my body shake from how distance we have quickly grown, AND FOR WHAT? like really? fucking for what? WHAT DID I DO IS THE QUESTION I FUCKING REPLAY. OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER. like if this was anyone else i would not give a fuck, its w/e but why her? why my cousin? like im tired of using the official title “second cousin” because shes so close to me i dont really give a fuck what that shit means but why is she avoiding me? like is it me or is it her or what like i reread my entire ENTIRE phone texts, and fb msgs from the very first time we talked too and it was all fine but now its like total silence, or itd be short quick texts none of this knowing how each others days went or whats on our mind. i cant even directly ask her because itll just make me look crazy if its overreaction but i think she truly has no. idea how painful it is to just like avoid me, if she just told me the reason even if its harsh as fuck and even to the point like “dont ever talk to. me look me up call me or mention me again dont even think of. coming to kc” you know, some fuckin crazy shit like that, ill cry you know? ill break down. but hey. at least i know the truth instead of always wondering the WHY question? Ash if you ever see this or somehow, if its recently you somehow see this, just be up front with me, if its the future and you see this down the road.. if we are still as close as i think we are, then lol my bad i just told you, i love to write when i feel down and have stuff on my mind. But.. if we arent close anymore by the time you ever see this, whatever i did, or whatever you might eventually tell me, i am sorry for it, i dont ever want to jeopardize my relationship and bond i have with you. youre my true other half that i dont literally have to be with as in together, cause 1 like i said thats so gross, and 2, i wouldnt ever wanna be more because youre already everything to me. i look up to you so much you know? youre the cloud cushion to my ass when i fall, and youre the ray of light when its nothing but darkness. youre the paradise to a place as beautiful as california. just know this time right now, August  13th, 2017 at 1:24AM pacific, ( 3:24AM your time) im hurting a bit. i just want to know the truth thats all. whatever youre hiding or even if its nothing at all! just i want my best friend back, and i want that euphoric feeling again...

[scarletiris]

happiness isnt what you spend it on, its who you spend it with.

[scarletiris]

welcomeback.

Shortly after returning home from the absolute most amazing experience i have ever had with a vacation in Kansas City MO, instantly my mom just yells about life and how my dad is a piece of shit etc etc. i never thought i would use tumblr again because my life has been going so much better, oh by the way, Ashley, you will never see this because i make my tumblr pretty private, its kind of a place where i just vent to myself and holy shit i havent used this in years, but yeah Ashh, thanks for the weekend again. I know youre sick of hearing it but really, not just the week in KC, but just the moment we knew we existed. You’ve done so much for me and the funniest part is i know you will never understand how much of a positive force you are to me. I dont think ive ever had anyone impact me the way you have, nope. Not my ex, not my family, not my friends, wait oops. you are family.. haha. but you are so much more than that. You are the true definition of a genuine hero. If i had to name one superhero, in a corny way, it would be you. i look up to you, err down physically bc youre small but i look up to you in so many ways. I know youre there for me, and i know that you know im there for you. But anyways, its too soon to already tell you about my problems the second i landed in California. Its like i really really tried you know? i really fucking tried to open up to my mom about how i felt, the exact way i opened up to you. you know? how i was like “oh hey ashley, this is how i feel, im sorry if like it might be kind of on the spot, but this is how i feel and i wanted to talk about it,” with my parents, its like every fucking time i ever try to let them know how i feel its always fucking about them instead, thats why i have to act the way i am, how my literal bones were reinforced with just this barricade of isolation and self defensive mechanics. i hate opening up to people, even my closest friends. Thats why you were the first in a LONG time, probably i have vented bits here and there, but you were the actual first person i just spilled my “girly” emotions as you would call it to, i dont like letting people know im soft, i feel it makes me weak, but with you im comfortable doing so, idk. its just cool to know youll laugh, but at the same time, i feel secure, i feel.. safe, wanted, you know? that i have a shoulder to lean on. thats why im so “sentimental” toward you, because i can never show you enough how grateful i am to have had you in my life. But yeah.. thats why im trying so hard to get the fuck out of this city, its not all beaches and palm trees. I cant take it anymore, ew gross. that sounded pretty emo, but as ive stated, im not an emo. im just fucking sick and tired of never having anyone to talk to, its such a mentally draining task to every day just be the hero the siblings try to look for. that i have no hero, i have no one to look up to, i have no one to go to when im weak, alone, scared, confused. you know? i had to learn this all myself. its funny, because as much as ive loved my ex, i realized maybe it didnt work about because i never fully trusted her. i never just let her know how i felt. never took fear and showed her so that she can possibly recreate fear into love. anyways, i might use this more often. just making a journal for you as well as getting away from this place made me realize how often i write as a way of clarification and remedy. Till next time ok? Take care Ashh. like i said you wont see this, but it feels good to just pretend as if you seen this. <3 10 more months. promise. and i dont break promises.

[scarletiris]

September 23, 2015.

how did i end up back on tumblr. holy shit i want to vomit. but.. i hope all is well with you. we just cant ever see each other again. maybe its just me. but i rather just not. i cant have you dwelling back into the past when youre clearly happy now. i guess you can say im fine with life, if you somehow ever do wonder about me. im doing fine. well.. take it easy. see you whenever the times right. maybe never.

[scarletiris]

Mind over "it shouldnt" matter.

Well, Its obvious no fucks are given about me. I can tell by the way the events are going. Cold tears only rust a steel heart. I mean, i worked so hard to earn the privilege of spending nights holding you and falling asleep. And for you to do the same. Yet you allowed him to sooner than i ever worked for. Not that you care, if you are ever bored, take time to guess how i feel. Like shit. I just want to move on now. Youre a horrible fucking person.

[scarletiris]

Discover.

Hey, Been a while. Maybe something i need to get off my mind. Is it wrong to dream about it all still? Consistently its just about what if i told you how i felt? What if i told you how afraid i was to lose you? How i was too afraid to admit to you that i love you, that it would have been a big step for you to really settle down with me. Idk. What if one day we layed down and i was just like hey, how are you? How do you feel about everything? Is everything allright? Im here for you. And remind you that id always be here. Instead of being a little bitch and js running from you.. I cant express my anger because you didnt help, but at the same time i cant express sorrow because i didnt let you know, to this day, that no one replaces you. That i have a wild theory... But it wont happen. Its too long, almost a year without you. How i wish i could just wake up one day next to you and hug you, that warmth we used to give each other. They say you dont know what you had until its gone. But problem is, i did know what i had, you still walked away. I made one fatal mistake of letting someone pick you up at your lowest, sulking in empathy i turned the other way. Shame, head down, i couldnt bear to see what was the inevitable. Im sorry. Im sorry i wasnt good enough. I should have done better. I should have just told you i loved you. Idk why i wanted you to say it first. It was my ego. I wanted to be reassured the person i was in love with felt the same way. By the way, if i was just a passing thing.. Feel free to disregard this, i would rather not know how you truly felt about me than to hear you go, yeah, its true andrewdo, you were a highschool relationship. Its been a while, im not over you. I cant be over what i fell for. I fell which means im on the ground, i cant be over you. I can move on. But im my dream is the closest i can get to talking to you. Sharing the same laughter or expressing the same anger. Im not emo, im fine. Just.. Continue to be happy. Since the day i met you i wanted nothing but to see you happy, proud to live a life you deserve. To stop feeling hopeless. To know life is good and better of what you make it. To bring that free spirit out of you. No matter how many guys were replaced from me. Which was alot.. Everytime we fought some other guy would be in your life.. But point is. I, I admit. I let you go. I broke your heart. So that it can be fixed. Just hope the best for you. And tell that kid hes a lying ass bitch. And he better not hurt you. Because youre special. You really are. And will continue to express the radiance. Iloveyou. I really do. More than him. More than anyone. But if you dont, id rather i never know. Id rather not discover what lies beneath anger and sorrow. A secret hidden memorable foundation of happiness and joy you brought me.

[scarletiris]

Its hard to forgive you.

Everyday a piece of me wants to forgive you, but then so many flashbacks make me realize how horrible of a girlfriend you were to me. I want to just pull the plug and forget you even existed, but i know deep down the girl i met is still in there. You make so many mistakes, so many decisions where i wished you would learn not to decide again, yet you constantly keep doing it. Its far too late to be back together, im just trying to forgive you, either way, i hope somewhere along your lifetime, you realize the glorious kinship we had. Thats all, i just want you to get back on your two feet. And snap out of the dream which you feel is a reality. I know you are smarter than that. But i also know that i can never trust you again. Yet, i think of you sometimes, wondering if you really are happy... Not my business though. Because logically i would be hurting myself to allow you a 4th chance of not hurting me. 1) junior prom. 2) incident. 3) masquerade ball. 4) my fears and nitemares.. Those were all moments when i needed you most and you said fuck off. Anyways, hope you are doing dandy.

[scarletiris]

You're right.

We cant be friends. I dont want to be, and i was hurting this long because i wanted to know whether it was safe. But no, you really are a fucked up person. You really are a bitch. I tried to see good in you, but no. You really are a fucking bitch. I lost so many friends defending you. I dont care anymore. You really are just a twisted demented person. After seeing what i just saw, you think thats okay? You fucking think thats okay to do? You. I . Fuck it. You really arent worth it. I should have took in what you told me that you cant change a hoe. I should have believed you when you said you were just a hoe and it cant be changed. You kept me away from the good, because there was NOTHING good about you.