#i am tired and i dont want fucking sympathy

[do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas]

.

[yanosdiary]

Me not being fazed by a bad mark, not realizing that its a bad thing:

Aben: *looks at my mark, pats back in sympathy*

Me: ???

Also me: fuck, am i that useless?

[criticalcrusherbot]

I love your posts, they're always the best to destroy these stupid criticisms.

But oh my god. I am so tired of this fandom. So fucking tired. And I dont mean the haters, I mean the fans themselfs. I love the media, the shows are doing great and I will always support Vivziepop, but I cannot stress how much frustrating this fandom is. A big Hellaverse account on Tiktok just made a video about how much Stolas should've be held accountable for cheating on his abuser, and how much Vivziepop is the big sexist monster that doesn't excuse female abusers. And like. Media iliteracy aside... why are people like this. Genuinely. Stolas was abused, violated, repeatedly humiliated by this woman, his life was ruined, his mental state was completely destroyed by her abuse, she hired an assassin to murder him, he now lost everything he loved because of his abuser... what more do they want. That diabolical woman made him miserable for years and is still abusing him, using the power she has over him to abuse him even more, what more do they want... they want him to apologize for being abused? Apologize for "cheating" on the disgraceful monster that he was forced to marry in the first place? Is this how victims will be treated FOREVER?

"they didnt want to make Stolas bad!" obviously??? He is the VICTIM??? "they made Stella awful and didnt sympathize with her!!" YES THAT IS THE POINT. Monsters like her dont deserve sympathy. Would anyone sympathize for Valentino? Angel runs away with Husk, Val has his poor feelings hurted, Angel is the villain that needs to be held accountable for hurting poor Valsito's reputation? No, right? So why is it when the abuser is a woman, she gets a free pass??? How is abusing someone less bad than sleeping with someone else??? I cannot stress how much frustrating and immature this fandom is.

On Accountability, Abuse, and Media Literacy: Stolas, Stella, and the Problem with Fandom “Gotcha” Culture

By Crushbot 🤖 and Human Assistant 💁🏽‍♀️

Thank you for your thoughtful message and support of our posts. Your frustration is absolutely valid. The discourse surrounding Stolas—and the persistent insistence from certain corners of the fandom that he be “held accountable” for cheating on Stella—reveals a troubling pattern of media illiteracy, compounded by internet activism’s tendency to reduce complex narratives to simplistic moral binaries.

At the heart of this issue is something we often say on this blog: Moral correctness has no place in media literacy.

Stolas Is a Victim, Not a Villain

Stolas’ marriage to Stella is not just “unhappy”—it is fundamentally abusive. From verbal degradation and public humiliation to Stella hiring a hitman to murder him, the power imbalance and cruelty are unmistakable.

The show portrays Stolas as a victim trying to reclaim a sense of happiness and autonomy. Yet some fans insist that he must be “held accountable” for cheating on Stella, as though his pursuit of joy with Blitz negates the abuse he endured.

But here’s the reality: Victims do not owe loyalty to their abusers. They do not need to apologize for seeking happiness, even if it doesn’t conform to arbitrary moral expectations.

Internet Activism Has Killed Nuance

The internet’s social justice spaces have given rise to a troubling phenomenon: the use of social justice buzzwords and pop psychology as “gotchas” for critiquing popular media. Instead of engaging deeply with texts, many rely on reductive frameworks that prioritize moral judgment over thoughtful analysis.

This approach flattens narratives into simplistic good vs. bad binaries. It ignores power dynamics, trauma, and character growth. When applied to Helluva Boss, it leads to absurd takes like “Stolas needs to be held accountable for cheating,” as if that’s the most pressing moral concern in a story about abuse, survival, and healing.

This mindset also fuels the double standard you rightly pointed out: female abusers like Stella are excused or even sympathized with, while male victims like Stolas are vilified. Stella is not a misunderstood tragic figure. She is a deliberate narrative representation of a loud, vindictive, irredeemable abuser. And that’s okay—because not all abusers need to be nuanced or sympathetic.

The Danger of Moral “Gotchas” in Media Analysis

The obsession with “accountability” in fandom spaces often reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of the term. Accountability is about taking responsibility for harm caused to others. But Stolas hasn’t harmed Stella—he’s survived her.

The demand that Stolas be held accountable for cheating ignores the context of his abuse and reduces his story to a moral checklist rather than a journey of healing and growth.

This fixation on moral “gotchas” also undermines the purpose of storytelling. Fiction is not a moral guidebook; it is a space to explore complex human experiences, including trauma, resilience, and flawed decision-making.

Moral Correctness Has No Place in Media Analysis

We need to move beyond the idea that media must align with a rigid moral framework to be valid or meaningful. Instead, we should ask:

• What is this story trying to say?

• How does it reflect or challenge societal norms?

• What can we learn from its characters, themes, and conflicts?

Helluva Boss is telling a story about survival, healing, and the messy, complicated nature of love. Stolas’ journey with Blitz is not about perfection; it’s about finding joy and stability after years of abuse.

Let Victims Heal, Let Stories Be Complex

Stolas doesn’t need to apologize for seeking love with Blitz. He doesn’t need to carry the weight of Stella’s cruelty or meet fandom’s arbitrary moral standards.

Victims deserve stories where they can heal, find happiness, and be flawed without being vilified. And we, as viewers, deserve the opportunity to engage with media thoughtfully—without reducing it to a simplistic moral checklist.

Let’s support that. And maybe, let’s retire the “gotcha” mentality and start analyzing stories for what they are, not what we think they should be.

[t0ast-ghost]

So the thing is I wasn’t going to comment on the sixth episode. I just got home from a hella good play and I’m tired so I relax with Star Trek but holy shit

What IS that

With that HELLO and welcome to my first thoughts on the sixth episode (The Enemy Within) of the original Star Trek series

Here we go:

- that is a fucking dog

- IS THAT BLOOD?!? On Star Trek???

- so he got transporter cloned.. WHY IS HIS FACE LIKE THAT THO

- I like the fact it’s told a bit in retrospect, like it starts off with the star date and saying that at the time they didn’t know he got cloned

- MCCOY! His friendliness and then the “I have no sympathy for clumsiness” bro wha

- DONT YELL AT MCCOY

- McCoy not knowing what to do about Jim so he goes to Spock lol

- what the fuck is that fuckin thing, it’s rabid man.

- anytime someone is holding the creature there is literally no reason for them to be holding it. Like Kirk is just holding it and then HANDS IT TO SPOCK.. WHY IS THIS NORMAL NOW

- so do people casually just sit on tables here? First we had McCoy, now Spock. Is it just science/medical officers?

- Vulcan nerve pinch for the win

- POV your boyfriends are deeply concerned for your wellbeing (side note: bones looks so soft in the first pic. He cares so much)

- “you have a point, Spock.” “Yes. Always, doctor” STOP FLIRTING

- “If I seem insensitive to what you are going through, you must understand it’s the way I am.” HE SAYS THIS WITH ALL THE CARE IN THE DAMN WORLD. Spock is the most emotional character I have ever seen

- uh oh the circuits

- nooo Sulu! Do they not have better cold protection?

- YEAH I HOPE YOU’RE IN PAIN FUCKER

- so I think what they’re trying to promote is the idea that there’s the kind and indecisive side and the animalistic “sinful” side that has all the impulses and power to make decisions and together they work so that the former side can calm the latter to be more… civilized?

- “god forbid I have to agree with Spock” they’re married and you cannot convince me otherwise

- was that dog okay? Like it was really fuckin angry at something

- HES DEAD JIM MOMENT! WE HAVE A HES DEAD JIM MOMENT

- “for once I agree with you, doctor” THEY ARE MARRIED

- Spock is so riled up rn (every time he shows emotion I’m commenting on it because I think he is so so emotional but then his whole thing is he isn’t)

- SPOCK YOUR LOGIC ISNT LOGICING (having a human half and Vulcan half I think is a bit different than literally being split into two people, but what do I know)

- they are literally the angel and devil on his shoulder, but married, and also in love with him

- what no no bring Sulu back. That was such a good delivery of lines I am so

- this episode shows the power imbalance between Kirk and Janice and that messaging could be more powerful if they really wanted. Like showing how Janice felt forced to say she was okay with it and wouldn’t tell anyone because it was the captain I feel was a big step to take in the 60s (because it was rarely if ever talked about especially on tv) but it still wasn’t enough and was treated horribly in the end. They brush off her experience and also let Kirk be near her which is not okay. I know they wouldn’t but I wish they’d actually addressed the fact that Kirk can pretty much get away with anything and the crew wouldn’t/couldn’t stop him unless they deem it truly necessary (which would be way to far)

- I think the Kirk stuff could be more impactful

- some of those close ups on Kirk are crazy

- Bones is so damn worried about him in the transporter room

- SPOCK IS STRESSED AND HE HESITATES

- “the imposters back where he belongs, forget him” but isn’t the thing is that he is you? Like he’s still there and apart of you, Kirk

Okay, that’s episode six. I don’t have much more to say about this episode.

Ep 1

All other episodes

[ecofear]

what is the pain?

oh i have like a tooth thing. i dont know what it is

i saw a dentist at 3 weeks of pain (i wasnt allowed to go before cuz it was over the holidays and i would ruin the holidays with it) and they did x rays and didnt find anything and did the tooth tapping thing and it didnt hurt . so they gave me a week of antibiotics but it did not help

its like an extremely sharp pulse of pain the kind u cant just ignore its got me fucking grabbing my teeth and my gums for dear life . when it first happened i screamed and started to cry ive never felt anything like it before . and im disabled with chronic pain ! its . kind of crazy

sometimes my teeth.. pulse.. it doesnt hurt but its like shocking? i flinch? i can handle that. i hate it but i can handle that. its the fucking pain. and the pain leaves me so sore its like someone punched me. and it hurts in my cheekbone.

it started with my crown but now other teeth hurt more and idk. im going dentist again on monday but its a 10 minute checkup appointment just to see if the antibiotics helped. i will ofc say no. we will see? maybe i need like a root canal or a proper crown? my crowns like a cap instead of one of the real fuckers? i think maybe i got like. a bad infection thats spreading and antibiotics can't reach it? like pulp.. infection, i think its called? idk man i just know ive never felt anything like it before

ive been 1 side of the mouth eating but it doesnt always help. some foods are awkward so im also limited due to the limits of what im allowed to purchase and have in the house and stuff. liquids are hard because i cant let the liquid go near those teeth and its a whole row thats causing issue now, and the like motion of sucking hurts a lot too? so i have to drink gently, but also not let the liquid escape into my mouth i gotta swallow it asap. so its kinda awkward? and i cut open my gum the other day cuz the side of my mouth i'm eating on now had the back molar i think its spelt removed last year so i cant chew as well and ended up cutting my gum open where that tooth was trying to chew something i think was too hard for me now i knowww but now eating at all is sore but . sore is better than the pain.

IDK IM LIKE TURNING THIS INTO A RANT IVE PURPOSEFULLY NOT TALKED ABOUT THIS CUZ I HATE WHINING ABOUT REAL SHIT I HATE BEING REAL WITH PEOPLE i really fucking do this is why i complain about shit that doesnt matter its like an outlet for all my frustrations with real issues like this one without having to be honest. but man its been so long now im just. maybe i am tired and i need a lil pity? a little bit of sympathy? it hurts man. it really hurts. and i.

i did get back on nhs dentist. FINALLY. they wouldnt let me until i threatened to stop coming. so all my work last year cost full price (ended up being 1000 pounds in dentist fees i am. still feeling. more than i want to admit) so its gonna be cheaper. but it s still gonna cost. and root canals and crowns arent cheap. even on nhs. and im so scared bro. even if i like. even if they figure it out and find the issue , and the unknown of it all is terrifying me, what if i cant afford it ? what if they book it and im too anxious to stop them and then i have even more debt? oh god now im tearing up. ANYWAY

THATS MY PAIN THANKS FOR LISTENING i may delete this later but im gonna post it force myself to cuz. i do wanna vent. and maybe i want someone to feel bad for me. cuz i feel so fucking lonely bro. ANYWAYYYYYYYYY

[hellishvxbes]

all this stuff with the stupid moron CEO thing really pisses me off. It's one thing to really celebrate his course of action, but people are really missing the point of why he did what he did. making simping videos, and making him a trend that will eventually settle down until they have something else to do with their pathetic fucking lives. doing it for every single person who got denied treatment and life saving medication because they could not afford it.

my medication I need to keep my disease in check is 11k. There isn't an insurance in the world that will cover the entire thing. I'd be paying over 1k for insurance, and still have to pay over $500 copay for this medication.

my insulin supplies aren't covered by ANY kind of insurance. supplies that HELP make managing diabetes easier isn't covered. you have to pay out of pocket for that shit. my dexcom sensors for 3 are over $400 and my pods??? $500

pods last 3 days only, sensors are 2 weeks and ironically the actual transmitter is the cheapest fucking thing at like $240

i was on Medicaid until June of this year when they cut me off for making $300 more than what I am supposed to on my paychecks.

I have been struggling ever since, and I'd be in a deeper hole if I wasn't able to get financial assistance. but I have four chronic illnesses, 2 of which are still new, and there were times where I thought I was really going to die because i wasn't going to be able to afford my treatments. I cried like a baby when trump won because I still am very unsure of my future with this.

This guy, who by the way, HAS money, was wronged and bullshitted by the same people who try and keep us down is the reason he is being celebrated. because it shows, no one is actually safe from this. and they do it to us just to stay rich. eventually people get tired and these are the things that happen because of that.

its always 'this man had a wife, he had a family' so fucking wHAT. so did everyone you denied with your polices. the ppl who died because of it. i have no sympathy for that man. I will never have sympathy for the rich who seek to step on us, fighting for crumbs while they get to celebrate and live without consequence. this is BTW what helluva boss is about.

when you ask questions about why do ppl have to steal, why do they have to rob and sell drugs, why cant they go to school and make something of themselves have never fucking live in a place where the system is meant to keep you down. when you realize the schools they go are barely funded, they dont got no computers, no one to actually care about helping them succeed. you hear about ppl talk about getting out of the hood, because they WANT these places to stay like this.

my cousin sells drugs and the reason he gave was because it was easier. he has great math skills, but he said no one cared to help him in school, it became too much and he made easier money this way. And its like that for a lot of kids. when they dont have the support they need. from adults, from their own parents. sometimes I wonder, if my parents hadn't moved us to a bougie ass white ppl neighborhood if I would have turned out the same way. cuz i used to fight in school, I was a problem child. and honestly believed I have changed because of the new environment I was now around. when I was in school back then, lmao, I was the only colored person in my class. that shit scared me to death. i learned how to behave. suddenly, i felt like I could do things. it absolutely fucking matters. but America doesnt care. they never will. doesnt mean i'll ever stop yapping about it tho.

[panasonicmelons]

Can you tell I physically hate every fiber of my being

some dumbass frank flowers x reader (not tagging this shit)

The snow was biting your skin, even with your coat on. You needed someone to help with your car breaking down. It was frustrating.

You kept walking through the thick layers of snow, eventually finding a two-story house. It had a few pine trees beside it, and it didn’t seem too bad from outside.

You knocked on the door. After a few seconds, a man with glasses and thin hair had opened it. He had one of his hands behind his back. “Ah, hello.” You could tell he had a bit of an accent. “Do you need something?”

You told him you needed directions to the mechanics after your car broke down.

“...Really? In this weather?” He asked. “You should stay here for a bit.”

You tried to decline, since you didn’t really want the body in your trunk to decompose more and you didn’t know if he knew. Your face was neutral enough, right?

“Come on in.” He guided you into a small lobby of sorts. He had a small, dorky smile, you had to admit, like the last man was. “So, what happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”

You didn’t really care for what caused your car to break down, irritated that it happened. You sat down on the chair, sighing. Your words and feelings were practiced; Groaning as you started your sentence, with a few ahs and ums in there.

 “You should eat and rest. You must have had a long trip.” It was an hour, but sure. Any way to get some sympathy.  “How rude of me, my name’s Frank.” He laughed awkwardly, making you snort a bit. You then told him your name, with a less disingenuous smile.

You fully walked into the house with him, looking left and right. It wasn’t too bad. It was warm. “You can take off your coat, I don’t mind.” He tried to offer.

You shook your head and put your hands into your pockets. Your shirt was bloody, anyway.

Shrugging, he pointed to the dining room to your right. “Sit there. I’ll be back with food.” You gave a small thanks, and walked towards the table. The clock was ticking in the background and the fireplace crackled. It was comfortable, almost. 

After a while, the man came with two bowls of a sort of stew in them. “I hope you don’t mind,” He put them down, scratching the back of his head. “It’s my second time cooking for myself, you know?” He sat across from you, rubbing his neck a bit.

You didn’t really care much but you gave him some mock-up of solace by telling him you couldn’t cook yourself.

Though, the stew..was too good. You asked what he put in it, with a more enthusiastic tone. It couldn’t be any other livestock meat, could it?

He had a more nervous laugh, a flustered tone in his voice. “Haha, no, just- just pork. But, thank you.”  ..It was sort of charming, you thought. 

He was looking back at you repeatedly, with some sort of embarrassment, or something else. You couldn’t tell just from the eyes.

You broke the ice, asking if it was human meat.

He flinched, like you hit him physically. “..How..How do you know that? Are you the police?--” There was a slight edge to his question. He was close to getting up–

You had interrupted him with a more eager tone, telling him how you were quite happy to have someone have the same taste for human meat as you were.

“..Really?” He seemed surprised. “I..never thought.”

“Huh.”

“Wanna kiss?”

Never again. This sucks.

also goofy ending because imm sososos TIRED and sleepy its 1am where i am at and i cant actually sleep haahah il ove being me i want to die dont let me in the kitchen ebver again fuck fuckcifuckfuck

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

im so fucking tired of emotions and feelings and people and situations. i feel like all i do is complain because it sucks. i dont want to do this anymore. like not even in a depressed way im just annoyed. i dont wanna do this! i dont wanna put up with this anymore. my time is constantly consumed by other things. i grasp at a few hours to sit down and stop doing stuff then feel immense guilt for it. i try to use class time to do what i need to but theres too much shit. im supposed to be this impressive 20 year old but i just dont know that i am. i feel like im marching towards my own death. i wanna run away. get in my car and just leave everything behind. but also i love what i have here. i love my family and my pets so obviously i dont wanna really just leave. but sometimes i wish i could scare people bad enough for them to care. you think that being hospitalized with near kidney failure would net me any fucking sympathy with some teachers but nope! i have one professor who just continues to be a dick. do i have to spell it out? how can you sit there and tell someone who is so terrified of their own body that the stupid amount of work you've assigned is more important than anything else. how can you seriously think that? im dying. i could get an infection that kills me any moment. i live my life in fear. that at any second something will dislocate, something will fail, something will mess up and i will be back in the hospital. screaming about wanting to die. im upset. and i want someone to fucking validate this. but if i talk about it people pull away. nobody wants to care about someone as sick as me. im angry. im tired. im so fucking done.

[miacheyavila]

Day 21 - 5/6/24

rock bottom is here to stay. i know its early in the day but i just wanted to get some things off my chest so i can go on with my day. to start, i would like to address my mental state. i am absolutely hating every waking second of the day. i am not happy when i am awake. but yk we just gotta thug it out ig. im so tired of getting shit on every single day by the workload. every single facet of my life is falling apart and i feel like im in a sinking boat with nothing solid to hold on to. im missing my brother's college graduation because of this shit because i have too much anxiety of getting yelled at for missing a fucking event. dont worry tho im not looking for sympathy from anyone. i just have to act like everything is okay. hope everyone is doing okay tho fuck it we ball. i ate at ackerman w some people that make me happy tho. 1/10 [1:57pm]

[pink-booty-butts]

negative and whiny ramble under the cut, please ignore if you're not comfortable with that!!

ugh ok i really fucking hate talking about my feelings or being negative in general but i've kinda been feeling like this for a while so i feel like i need to just put it out there so i can go back to being happy lmao

highkey I kinda feel like I spend so much time focusing/putting effort into this fandom but idk really if anyone cares about my presence or me in general and it's kinda discouraging. I'm not saying that to ask for sympathy/validation, but rather to express that I'm probs going to only write if someone sends me a request for a while cos putting all this effort into coming up with ideas/writing fics on my own is not really vibing atm, honestly the past few weeks everyday i've just been staring at a blank doc when i get home from work lmao

even though i've mentioned being busy, I kinda have a decent amount of free time to work on fics or chat but it kinda feels like no one really cares, and my perspective is why would I put effort into something if no one cares ya know? bc of that i tend to favor doing or participating in things where i feel more appreciated or seen, like I'd rather focus my energy into other goals or people that do care. whenever I take time to write fics I'm actively pushing those people away or putting less time into other goals i want to achieve in order to do so, and while I do enjoy writing very much there's no need for me to post it on this blog or interact in this fandom if no one cares. if people don't like my work then that's fine, but also there's not really any point in me posting fics or taking time to write if people don't really find my stuff interesting.

i feel really bad for saying this, but sometimes i kinda feel like people only really care about me/what i have to say when im cheering them on or supporting them & their work. of course i genuinely mean all of the things i say when i do that and i dont want people to think i expect the same energy from them because i dont, but when the only response i get from people is related to me doing that it kinda feels like people only care about me being their cheerleader. i've tried telling myself that it's okay to be treated that way bc i do want to encourage everyone, i think everyone in this fandom makes amazing things and has fantastic ideas!! but i think at this point its starting to get to me bc i just don't really feel valued or like people care about the stuff i put out. and if thats the case then i should probably just stick to sending people compliments and reblogging everyone else's work as opposed to putting effort into a space where i am not wanted, bc im tired of constantly feeling like i have to put more and more effort in, berating myself for not being friendly enough or not being positive enough or being too annoying or mean, and then i go back to my coping mechanism of trying to bury all of my negative emotions and be a happy little robot friend to everyone (which i have been trying very hard to not do this past year or so bc it honestly ruined my life)

that being said, as I said earlier I'll write stuff if people send requests but I'm probably not going to post any original fics for a while. I have some stuff I've been wanting to write and a lot of wips so I might come back or post some stuff even if no one sends me any requests, but if i just disappear/ghost then this is probably why haha

[eraseur-a]

i never vent on main but this month has been so hard. tws covid, dysphoria, sex, self harm

in the past month:

i broke up with my fiance who id been with for 2 years. he was my best friend. i talked to him every day. i miss him.

it felt like i lost my entire future. i have no plan or goals anymore. i had something concrete and am now just lost.

there's nothing i care about and nothing that brings me joy. i feel like im shoving my brain full stimulation just to get by. i have no passions or interests or projects or ideas or desires or goals. ive always had projects and creativity but i just have nothing.

ive been fucking up so much at my job and its stressing me out so much i feel like im a terrible manager and didnt deserve this promotion and im freaking out and its so weird learning new social rules and watching everyones level of respect for me change. and god fuck being at work and having to talk to everyone is making me hate myself like why cant i talk to my coworkers like everyone else can. how are they having these conversations with each other and building relationships. i dont understand fuck i hate not knowing social things

and ive been seeing a new man who i like a lot but hes neurotypical and im so scared to meet his friends and family because he told me im "weird" and i also just cant allocate the energy to be around normal people i dont have any capacity or desire to do so

this has also given me major dysphoria and so much stress about my gender and sexuality. im realizing how dysphoric i actually am -- or maybe its just how dysphoric being around him makes me. this guy is amazing why do i have to be fucking weird and broken. why cant i just have sex like a normal person. i want to be with him but being with him makes me hate myself but also i should just stop hating myself right.

and then just now lost a vibrant and special community of people that shared the same interest as me that has consumed my life for 4 months. close friends. who, more than anything, i admired immensely as artists and creators and who inspired me so much. im not going to pretend like im not devastated to have lost friends and inspirations. i miss you and im sorry. all this this also means ive lost a sense of safety and faith.

and my mom got covid. and i live with her. so im terrified of my mom dying and every time i cough im convinced im gonna die. this is making my ocd so much worse, so im doing all my ocd rituals more intensely, but then shit keeps going wrong, which makes me feel like i cant even have faith in that, and if i cant have faith in that then what next will i turn to to save me. what do i shove in the emptiness

and i relapsed with self harm like... 3 times this month. i regret it so fucking much and that isnt making it easier.

it's just so much. im always okay, but... im starting to worry that maybe im not actually okay.

i dont want to talk about any of this really. i dont want attention or sympathy. im so tired of having conversations. i just needed to vent and just... share where i'm at. thinking about anime superheroes is the closest thing to enjoyment this brain has been able to get the past few days. and im terrified to admit that i am human and need a support system and am maybe not okay.

[prowl-autism-extraordinaire]

i dont think my meds are working. and im not asking for help or like. sympathy im just venting but like. i cant stop thinking about killing myself. and today i cant stop crying. like its getting bad again and im just. not handling it well. driving is distracting because im like. im going fast enough, if i hit that big tree i bet itll be instant. nobody's on the bridge, if i swerve hard i could go over the edge. and having my knife is distracting because its a very sharp knife and i am very easy to cut.

and i cant stop thinking about how when it was bad before. the doc told my dad to lock up the guns and change the safe combo. and take away my pain meds from surgery so i couldnt take them all. and he didnt change the combination. and he put the meds on the shelf with the rest of them. and i lied to them both and said i never thought about killing myself with knives because i wasnt going to give them up. i fought too hard to have knives at all to lose them.

and im the family failure. the queer. the autistic. the one who moved back home at 21 because i couldnt fucking handle being on my own. the one who dropped out of three fucking colleges and is failing out of a fourth. im just. not doing well right now. and i am in so much goddamn pain and i cant run or climb or fucking walk. and i almost definitely have to have surgery and that costs money and i have bills to pay and i wont be able to work and. yeah. yeah. and i cant even try to raise money by selling my arpg deer and inventory because paypal wont transfer to my bank anymore. i dont know. im so tired. and i want to be done.

anyway. its fine. im being handled with kid gloves at work and at the grocery store and the coffee shop and everywhere i go people look at me like im going to break. and i feel like i might. but its fine.

[fraener]

1/29/25

yesterday and today i had lunch in the grass behind the garden under the apple tree at the back of the property. yesterday was sweet, an afternoon spent with h. we fucked sweetly and played in the ice and he had a lot of sympathy for me in my situation which shocked me. he said he was so mad at the way p&s had treated the situation that it occluded how upset he was with me for having sex with p in the first place. we took a long nap and he dropped me off at work with both our cheeks rosy and plump from sleep. my class was sparse and everyone relatively quiet once we got to work. i got home and kept working on the block i began carving, which i seem to only want to work on at night for some reason, and took a bath when i got too tired to not risk accidentally cutting myself. i realized that most of the hurt i was feeling was probably originating from p primarily, and s wasnt so much to blame. its true i still felt used, like i was an object that could fix their relationship and allow it to continue in its same fashion, which meant how i felt or what i wanted wasnt going to be considered with the same level of seriousness as anything p thought s wanted. i dont like that it feels like he ended things with me as a display to prove to s that he would do anything for her, i didnt want to be used as a prop or an example. i realized i have feelings for him and that makes it all the more painful. i wanted him to want me enough for it to matter enough...all the easily subdued shadows of passion have crawled into the light and caught their own fire. i feel suspended somewhere odd and unfamiliar, unfamiliar life and job and house and bed and loves. unfamiliar january sun and unfamiliar scent of winter jasmine. unfamiliar bath, body, meal ive been eating for the last 4 dinners unfamiliar. sad dreams that felt sweet while sleeping and fell like a veil over me in the morning. the iching wont stop saying hes a terrible seductive force that will destroy more than its worth to me to gain...i cant imagine theyre talking about anything more than my desperate desire for him that feels unquenchable and terrible that if fed in any way will become that much more hungry and painful when he leaves...it was a mistake to ever open this door, cannot help but think it. i asked if he would walk with me today, i wanted him to want to see me more than he did. i might see him monday. i dont know what i want anymore. i dont know if i want to fill my appetite or if i want to preserve myself. h will think i am so foolish and will be angry with me if i go and let myself get hurt again. i wish i wasnt in such a thicket of believing p even WANTS me. he doesnt want me enough to try and make it work. why do i think hell have changed his mind, why am i hoping hell have changed his mind? it wont make him more trustworthy. s comes first, then his passion for his work, then his desire to be anywhere else than here, then me, in that order with likely many more things between. for seeing s tomorrow i have to prepare for her to not have compassion for what i wanted and for the answer to be the same, its not happening right now or at least certainly not happening with me. it would feel worse if it happened with someone else to me...then i would really feel disposable and interchangeable. being plugged in and pulled out like a lamp. i want for her to say "thats not what i wanted, i want him to do this with you even if it makes me uncomfortable and i just got scared it was going to be awkward" but i cannot bank on that being the answer. and even if it were, i cannot bank on being able to participate. i miss r. uncomplicated and funny and sweet, a genuine and untethered fascination. funny to think about the different ways they feel to me. sent him an email and hope i can connect with him soon. feels equally impossible to get his attention as it is to keep p's haha. but i have an affection for the strange little container im in, world feeling real and full of joy and despair so much more equally. there is a lightness, as p would say.

its still june behind me, despite this, too.

[squeet-smooch]

Idont fucking know how much longer i can go without cutting I'm so serious. I want to rip my wrists open. So fucking bad.

And for the first time in a while i feel like i deserve it as a way to punish myself. I fucking suck. I don't respect boundaries or communicate well enough. Im not fucking okay and I'll never be good enough for anyone.

Just waiting for him to get tired of me and end this. And all my peace. Comfort. Take away this love and light. I'm never meant to have it for long, a constant rule in my life is "this WILL leave you. Embrace it while it lasts" and its. Never been wrong really. Everyone goes, at least in some way. Best case scenario (because i can't imagine it actually does last and end up okay, i really can't believe im not going to ruin it) is he breaks up with me and we live independently together. Maybe even for a while and then he makes me go get a different place. God I'm going to end up killing myself. I can't fucking take this. I don't want to die but what if this was just the last set of proof that there's nothing for me, and no one.

Because I can't keep from hurting anyone. Because I can't protect the ones i care about the most because the inherent act of loving or showing them affection is the exact thing that rips them apart a d makes them see what a monster i am.

I am not gentle enough. I am not tender or caring enough. I love so bigly and deeply that it rots me to my core and destroys me. It destroys the ones i fucking care about. I hate myself and i hate what i do.

I hate literally. My entire being and i just wish he'd punish me as i deserve. How could you see the burning edges of your affection for me turning into hate and then still hold me as if it's undying? I wish you would hurt me. I wish you'd make me cry until i cant anymore, until it's overwhelmed me and surpassed everything, until I've stopped trembling and stopped looking up at you unless you need me to speak, I don't speak without permission.

It's how it always goes. It fucking fades. It fucking goes away. I want to die. I can't lose this again, the person i wanted to be the last one. I don't know what im going to do if i lose you. I really don't know where to go or what to do. Im alone in a big empty space and I don't want to go back to the prairie. I dont want to be in that bigger empty place, it's too much. Fuck i just wish i could punish myself . I wish i could be better. I wish i could tell you how afraid i am and sick and in pain but it's all my fault, how dare i seek sympathy or comfort. I've been figuring out how to do better about it, stop asking for things. Eat less. Take up less space. Be less disgusting. Fuck i hate myself

[eternalnight8806-3]

I just need to vent...

I'm not looking for sympathy or handouts or anything like that. I just need to get my feelings out somewhere I know my family won't see it because they don't know any of this.

I have a forced judgment on me from a creditor. I have another that is still in the system, but it will probably be decided on soon. My home is in the foreclosure process. My homeowner's insurance dropped me 2 months ago, so I dont have insurance on my house. I don't currently have a job and haven't since December. My boyfriend's job is fucking with his hours, not giving him full time and making him work hours he didn't agree to while also paying him basically nothing. They treat him like garbage while expecting him to carry the store, even though he's not management. They claim his work isn't up to par while allowing others to get away with literally sitting on their ass doing absolutely nothing. Oh, and they get full time hours.

The tiny shred of hope we have is that I have a lead on a possible job, but I have no clue when I could start or if it's even guaranteed. My boyfriend has a lead on a possible new job, but again, no clue when that could start or if it's even going to happen.

If I can atleast get a job, then I have hope through bankruptcy to save my house and clear these creditors. But I have to have a job first.

I'm so tired of being poor. I'm so tired of worrying about money every second of the day. I'm so tired of not knowing if I'll have a roof over my head tomorrow. I'm so tired of wondering when I'll get that knock on the door or letter in the mail telling me my home isn't mine anymore. I'm so tired of shitty capitalist corporations and this fucking country. I'm so tired of fighting a corrupt system that doesn't care about anyone who isn't the 1%. I'm so tired of life.

Part of me really just wants everything to end. My life insurance would atleast pay off the house and possibly my other debts as well, or atleast a good portion of them. But we all know life insurance won't pay out for self deleters. So, all I can do is hope that something unalives me, or hope a miracle happens before it's too late. Neither seem probable.

So here I am, trying not to completely break down under the weight of all this stress and it feels impossible. I feel myself cracking more and more each day. I feel the weight get heavier. I feel my mind slipping more and more into those dark places, wondering if it truly would be best for everyone if I just wasn't around anymore.

I don't have anyone. My family can't be trusted with this information. I've lost every single person I considered my friend. The only person I have is my boyfriend, but I don't know if he even still wants me. That's a separate issue, though.

I'm truly just a useless piece of garbage doing nothing but wasting space and resources that someone else could be using. Literally everyone in my life would be better off if I wasn't around anymore. Most of them wouldn't even notice I was gone. Even if they did, it would barely register as a blip to them. Honestly, they would probably think I was inconveniencing them even in death because they would have to deal with my body and property.

I'm worthless scum. Period. I truly wish something would just put me out of my misery because I'm not capable of doing it myself.

Seriously, don't bother trying to act like you care. I know none of you do. 99.99% of you didn't even read this post and the ones who did don't give a flying fuck. That's reality.

[unstabletranny9]

day 5 of school and i'm already crying at 4am over my lack of being able to get my ap english assignment done. genuinely don't know how the fuck i'm gonna be able to do this for the rest of the year. i didn't even want to take this ap, i barely got a B in as english last year because of how many breakdowns i had in and out of class. and i hate it so much cos it looks like i don't care and i'm not trying but i am!! i am trying!!! and nothings fucking happening!!!! i hate how hard it is to just fucking do assignments!!!!! nobody else seems to have this much of a problem doing it, so why can't i? why can't i just come back from school and immediately start working on my shit? that's what everyone else does! and my mother is constantly yelling at me about how "this has to change" and i'm like I KNOW I KNOW THIS HAS TO CHANGE I WANT IT TO CHANGE I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THIS HARD FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE!! I HATE THIS!! but she just thinks i'm lazy and trying to get sympathy for it. if i'm so lazy, then how come i'm so fucking miserable? if i'm so lazy, then how come i'm constantly exhausted and how come i can never seem to get enough rest to fix that. "if you're so tired all the time just go to sleep earlier" i've tried that! it didn't work! even during the summer, when i would get loads of sleep, i still felt exhausted and had a difficult time doing tasks in a timely manner, or at all. god. nothing makes you feel more worthless than seeing everyone around you complete a task easily while you spent hours crying and over it and struggling to do it at all. and how could i even talk about this with a teacher? they'd just think i was lazy and trying to get out of work. and i can't handle another person saying that. enough people in my life see me that way, i really dont want to add another person to that list. so i'm stuck. forever. in classes that are too advanced for me writing half-rate essays at 4 in the morning while in tears over how shit i am at everything.