#i am still unable to speak
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Surgery Recovery Update
Day 4
My blood sugar won’t stay up. I’m constantly on the cusp of a low BECAUSE I CAN’T EAT ANYTHING WITH ENOUGH ACTUAL CARBS. Eating is painful, nothing tastes the way it should, and I can’t eat anything of actual substance. I am exhausted. There are ten more days of recovery. I have school next week.
I want to fight God over this shit.
#surgery recovery#tonsillectomy#I’m ready to fight god or become him rn#give me BACON PLEASE#i am still unable to speak
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So, Kinich's character teaser...
#moth.art#genshin impact#k'uhul ajaw#ajaw#genshin ajaw#low effort “i am the lorax and i speak for the trees” meme while i'm still recovering because i've been unable to unsee it all day
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vibrating Vampires
#thanks seafoam for that fun fic#genuinely its fantastic#my brain realllllly wants to dwell in vampire land#but it also knows i have other projects going on and is just staring at the gates of vampire land longingly#i am unable to focus tonight but perhaps tomorrow i can get something done to relieve the metaphorical pressure XD#mmmmm#too many stories#(love you shatterproof but that art is taking up my shatterproof bandwidth)#(hopefully yall will like it though)#(trying to get that done before august... and also artfight... and writing olympics stuff.... and my goal is still marvelous misadventures)#(help)#i speak from the coffin
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www chapter 7... we are almost there....
#sophie speaks#once again unable to tell if this is any good#anybody hoping that dick and reader are going to come to any sort of understanding i apologise#that is definitely not happening#but it IS going to make dick more curious#'what the fuck is wrong with this girl' *gets text* 'what the FUCK is wrong with this girl'#im still not entirely sure how i want to write him... hope i get it okay at least#hes a mother of four chaotic children and also a manipulator and a murderer and doing horribly and the best at all times#i am going to write him snap btw. it will probably even be early on the story lmao#'im going to be very nice' to 'i am going to forcibly insert myself into her life' pipeline is shockingly short
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just saw a fic tagged both as a #fix-it fic (for the noncanon gay pair) and as #widowed character (implying the character's beloved canonical wife died somehow). motherfucker, spousal death is NOT a fix-it! STOP fridging women just bc you find them inconvenient for their husbands' relationship statuses!! give me lavender marriages, infidelity, miscommunication, polycules, or any other form of complex dynamic but for the love of GOD stop killing them off for the combined benefit of avoiding unconventional and/or uncomfortable dynamics and also allowing you to focus on that sweet sweet man pain in your shitty fic. the next person to do this owes every wife on earth $500
#i'm a silm fan i understand the concept of schrödinger's wife and as long as she isn't central to his character i am fine with writing her#out or ignoring an unnamed and/or entirely irrelevant cardboard cutout written by a male author who didn't care to flesh her out BUT idk if#she's unnamed or has screentime - if she literally haunts the narrative to the point that her picture is one of the last shots of the film#and the mc can't even bear to speak of missing her due to grief - SHE'S PRETTY IMPORTANT!!!#also wanna clarify i am not and will never be a wife but i feel like people who do this needs to pay whatever $500 times 2.6 billion is to#every affected woman. my calculations didn't include data on how many married women on earth married each other so wlw get a bonus i guess#len speaks#god. i really need to go get drunk and smoke one million cigarettes bc i'm so fucking agitated over a fic summary. hypomania makes me such#a mean cunt. in addition to me spending too much money being stupidly hypersexual and being unable to concentrate on literally everything i#really want to throw down. and even knowing that i'm STILL ANNOYED. but hey i've literally never left a mean comment on a bad fic so i'd#rather preemptively block and vent here. more like ramble here apparently god i need to take a shot#delete later
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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Me, before going to the store: “Are we buying milk? We’re out.”
My dad: “nah, we dont have any money”
Me: “Its fine, I got it”
Meanwhile, my dad: *spending at least 70$ worth of guitar stuff he wont even use (because he plays guitar m ONCE A MONTH IF THAT).*
#IM GOING FUCKING BONKERS. I AM ACTUALLY GOING FUCKING BONKERS.#We cant even afford basic necessities and he SPENDS HIS MONEY ON ‘TOYS’#literally went ‘oh my new toy is here!’ when the delivery guy came#I hate him I HATE HIM#its nice to buy yourself stuff. i get that.#but when I have to but our food w/ foodstamps and have to scrounge up change for cat food#thats just. ENOUGH. THATS ENOUGH#‘well its my money :\’ MY GUY YOU HAVE A FAMILY OF FOUR#YOU HAVE TWO UNEMPLOYED CHILDREN AND ONE OF THEM IS UNABLE TO WORK.#He used to get so pressed when my brother and i would refer to my mom as the breadwinner and head of household#my guy. My mom STILL makes the most money AND she does 90% of the fucking chores#‘im getting old’ THATS NOT AN EXCUSE MY MOM IS FUCKING DISABLED#SHE WAS DISABLED WHEN SHE WAS RAISING US AS KIDS#LONG BEFORE HE WAS ‘GETTING OLD’#I just. I wish I had a fucking job. Then maybe we would have the money to survive comfortably#vent#anger vent#vent cw#cw vent#vent tw#personal vent#vent post#vent posting#<- I include all of those in case they’re blocked for anyone#the bugz speak
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Someone asked me why BTS haven't made an official statement and I-
My brothers, sisters, and pals in kpop hell, the SK military and government are besties with the US and Israel. Like SK solders could train in Israel and vice versa if both governments wanted. Also while all 7 are starting or in military service, they'll be monitored by a government who's had beef with them for 10 years and no protection from UN security on top of not being together 24/7 like they've been
Like I genuinely don't blame them for not making individual/a group statement (nor really any SK citizen who identifies as he/him and will do/are doing/just recently finished required military service) for their recent silence (they have like 10 years of making it clear + have a history of doing donations privately that get leaked) given the circumstances; especially after that one bitch pretended to be military medical staff & "vaccinated" Jin. Plus there's like 3+ decades of using SK celebrities being used as scapegoats by the SK government. There's socio-economic & political history around BTS & kpop as a whole that I don't expect locals and 70% of the international kpop community (who really only came about post Gangnam Style) to know because of the SK media propaganda + twitters downfall destroying access to 2 decades of it
Then you gotta remember BTS are a special case because they were invited to the White House to meet genocidal Joe & are still very much hated by the English speaking music industry- whatever they say can cost people across the industry their mf jobs; they, their lawyers, staff, and BH need to be all together & not under mandatory government surveillance to say something at the end of the day- and that's gonna take a while. This isn't a 1:1 situation of untouchable US citizens like Beyoncé, Rihanna, & Taylor Swift who can do stuff freely because of monetary protection & choose not too, SK plays by different rules.
The real question we should all should be asking is which SK celebrities/idols/infulencers have completed their requirements, have no ties to the SK government tourism division's money, and aren't in a unit who must wait for the rest to finish their requirements that are being silent? Those are the folks you should be actively not giving money nor supporting anymore.
I'm calling it now, BTS probably donated a fuck ton in secret like they did BLM and we won't find out until a leak happens or after all of them are done with their military service time.
#mun post#it's a valid question but it's super obvious why certain nations and certain celebrities are being quiet around the world#here in TX you literally can be denied work and i am constantly taking a risk with every tag post and share#and there's rumors the US will implement a law to start monitoring people like they used to right after 9/11 happened to basically track al#pro Palestinian US citizens and inhabitants#and this post doesn't just apply to the guys- this applies to 50% of the sk celebrities unfortunately#it's the they/them and she/her celebrities in SK who haven't said shit or their labels got them unable to say shit that angers me#especially the over 18 ones- most of the famous minors are under management's strict rules and probably can't speak up for safety reasons#i wish the rules on autonomy as celebrities was more like the US but kpop idols in particular got some INSANE SHIT in their contracts#the original big 3 still got a portion of these famous adults in some crippling debt and BH normalized paying 50% - nuance is necessary
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i guess the reason so many books featuring trans characters have them able to go stealth and make it so other characters don't know they're trans unless they say something is because that's an escapist fantasy for many trans authors who don't get that and want to imagine what it's like to live in a world where you don't get misgendered on sight every single day, and because they don't want to write about the latter (very fair)
but also when these are YA books it depends on the characters being able to medically transition at like 14 and i have literally never in my life met a single person who was able to do that (partly because I live in the UK where you can't and also I am old enough that for people my age, coming out as a preteen would've been way harder and rarer than it would be for current teen-aged protagonists)
so idk. i would like to read a book with trans characters who feel like real people living in the real world occasionally. it's hard to walk a path when you never get to see other people do it first and never get to witness it safely in fiction before you experience it IRL, and only ever seeing people walk roads that don't even exist in your reality doesn't really help at all tbh
#i have mostly only read fantasy and historical adult books with trans protags#aside from Confessions of the Fox i guess. which is still 50% historical#but i never come across contemporary-set adult books with trans protagonists#compared to the growing contemporary trans YA scene#this may be that i am looking in the wrong places#but i can more easily find historical trans romance than a novel with a relatable 20 or 30something transmasc protag#oh i did read detransition baby i guess. but it didn't really speak to me for various reasons#(most of them to do with me being trans in a different direction but not all of them)#anyway idk. i read a lot of YA because a lot of my friends write YA and it is easy for me to find things#but even though i am glad there are trans YA books now I can't relate to them at all#i guess because I didn't know i was trans as a teenager#so the trans teenager experience is always inherently one i did not have#i am looking for something that will never be what i need it to be#i want coming of age and self discovery and all that because I don't feel like I've DONE it yet in gender terms#that's why i want the YA vibes but. i guess as a 27yo still trying to do that I'm not going to find it there. not meaningfully#so i need novels about adults coming of age and figuring shit out and being newborn baby trans adults i guess. where are those#and nobody is allowed to be cool in those books because i am unable to continue reading about cool people sorry#néide has opinions about books
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Me: *literally just minding my own business*
Brain: hey guess what time it is?
Me:….
Brain: *grinning sinisterly* guess what time it is??
Me: please no
Brain: *grin impossibly big, looking more and more ominous by the second* Guess. What. Time. It. Is.
Me:…
Brain: 😈
Me: *sighs*….anger spiral ti—
Brain: ANGER SPIRAL TIME!!!
#executive dysfunction my beloathed#Anger Spiral is right up there w the RSD for me in terms of Worst Possible Mental/Emotional Experiences#i just. could we please not???#esp. bc i am always so very aware this this is a pointlessly minor thing to be spiralling about all while I’m still nonetheless spiralling#about it and unable to shake myself out of it#ugh#it speaks
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It´s always kinda sad if a hyperfixation fades away but it gets more bearable with a new one right around the corner. But sometimes they disappear and there is nothing to fill the void with so you ... focus on actual everday-stuff (like ... more than you normally would. You know, going to work and stuff, these are things you do anyways, hyerfixation or not).
It´s so weird to feel normal for a few weeks or months before the next hyperfixation comes.
#I am slipping right in the next fandom right now so it´s pretty exciting#but also sad because I enjoyed WHA so much#absolutely sweet fandom!#but I am unable to hold more than one hyperfixation at once#So I will post the fanart-stuff I still have on my ipad and then draw for the new fandom#but knowing myself I will come back to WHA after a while (speaking of 1-2 years propably)#and I try to still interact with the fandom#sharing art and stuff#just won´t contribute much to it anymore
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I need Nanami kento (not in a dilf way but like actually as a father figure because wtf lmao)
#the reason why I’ll never find him sexy is because he’s just#like idk😭 16 year old me decided he’a the father figure I needed and so here we are at 18 still unable to sexualise him😭😭😭#I’m fucked in the head am I but hehe anyways#✨—rome speaks a lot??
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one day into 2023 and my body just pulled a giant prank on me by giving me the most painful infection on the planet earth
#oakley speaks#also i’m still sick and i am inconveniently unable to do anything about it#delete later
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@biomic need you to know how very nearly fatal this was for me
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unexpected kindness after unintended vulnerability. yeah.
#this isn't even like a Trope Post KJDLFH I WAS JUST REFLECTING BC#was at a grad student conference as the . probably least qualified person to be attending and everyone was super cool and networking and i#sat there for the entire day 8 am to 5 pm with the biggest anxiety freeze i've ever had KJLHDFGK#could not move could not speak etc etc#the person who invited me to go was one of the presenters but had to leave early but they emailed me kind of reassuring and offering kind#words bc they knew i was having a Not Very Comfortable Time and nervous#and i'm just. idk. not used to people offering that kind of consideration in academia#like not at all#like i still feel super dumb for having been so so anxiety ridden and unable to do all the networking and all that stuff others were#but it means a lot to get the reassurance especially when i hadn't asked for it?#but mmm#just reflecting#things have been slowly building up to being really rough lately so it means a lot to get that kindness idk?#i also miss my friends KJLHDFGKL not because i haven't seen them but#i haven't been particularly honest about quite how bad anxiety and stuff have been lately with. kind of anyone except#mahal so i haven't really had. i guess. reassurance? from friends or family n stuff#tldr someone was kind and i forgot how much kindness can mean when you're teetering on the edge and too scared to ask for it#mano.mindtalk
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Okay this is crazy, but
I actually drew things
#artists on tumblr#artblr#tradicional art#fanart#hollow knight fanart#silksong fanart#the hollow knight#the knight#little ghost#hornet#lace#two languages i can fluently speak both with several words yet i am unable to verbally describe how much i love these bugs#literally on my knees#the scrunkly#i love them so much#i cannot believe that i actually posted something i drew tho#absolutely unfathomable#theyre certainly not perfect but theyre satisfying little doodles#mainly im still just learning how to draw thk's and hornet's heads#honestly theres a lot of ways to stylize hk characters so im still figuring that out#i think they look pretty okay though!#anyways#heres some more tags#hk hollow#hk ghost#hk hornet#silksong hornet#silksong lace#hollow knight#silksong
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