#but I am unable to hold more than one hyperfixation at once

[pentragonart]

It´s always kinda sad if a hyperfixation fades away but it gets more bearable with a new one right around the corner. But sometimes they disappear and there is nothing to fill the void with so you ... focus on actual everday-stuff (like ... more than you normally would. You know, going to work and stuff, these are things you do anyways, hyerfixation or not).

It´s so weird to feel normal for a few weeks or months before the next hyperfixation comes.

[a-lil-perspective]

70 Encouragements/Tips For The Writer:

A/N: Rules don’t exist. These are real and personal and stem from a deteriorating, exhausted Writer who is here to tell you (and herself) that you are amazing and keep going. I hope you find some encouragement within.

Your mental health comes first and foremost.

Indulge and embrace your creative writing pieces when they come (and when they don’t). Especially when they don’t.

Suffering from Writer’s Block or fluctuating hyperfixation? Me too. So is your favorite author. Welcome to the Writer’s Block Party (all my uwus if you see the pun).

Did you spend five hours on this one segment, forget the last time you ate, develop chapped lips, dry eyes, and a stiff back (time to get up and move), bang your head on the wall, laugh, cry, fidget, take your ADHD meds, deviate to watch YouTube, have an epiphany, curse in frustration and wonder why the hell you do this to yourself? Congratulations, you’re a Writer.

Embrace all the not-so-glamorous sides of writing, and accept the fact they’re going to happen time over again.

When you say “just one more line” and it’s 2:00 AM, I’ll be here to remind you to “go to sleep” (because I’m also depriving myself lol).

Actually, sleeping helps your mind feel refreshed, and it’s good for your health. If you’re struggling with a particular segment, one of the best things you can do is just put a cap on it for the time being, put in a placeholder, and get some shut eye. I know you don’t want to. But you will feel so much better and have more clarity and energy to continue when you wake. Trust me.

More often than not, those words you “just didn’t write down fast enough and now forgot” end up revealing themselves to you later in a much more profound way. Give the words time to get ready. They’re just spiffing up before coming to visit. :)

Be proud of yourself and your prose. Writing is an amazing part of who you are.

That trope has been written 1000 times before? Make it 1001.

You’ve already written this scenario? Write it again.

You’ve just written a single sentence. Now sit back for moment and think: you just wrote something brand new, never before seen. Nobody out there will ever write that sentence or formulate those thoughts the exact same way. You are a unique, mind-blowing, awe-inspiring human being.

Bask in the excitement that comes with a completed piece. Reflect on what you learned throughout and celebrate the little victories.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback, but also understand that you might not always get it, and that is OK.

Please re-read your work. Be gentle with yourself. You had to write that very first piece to get to where you are now. Love the process.

Your personal writing success is not based off of kudos or likes or reblogs.

There is no right or wrong way to write.

There is no such thing as “good” writing.

Improvement is becoming of everyone so get comfy, strap in. The journey of a Writer is a lifelong one. Here’s to many more works ahead.

Don’t mourn the words you did or didn’t write. Celebrate the ones you will.

One day, you’ll read a piece that will blow you away—and it will be yours.

There is nothing “shameful” about reblogging your own writing works.

I promise you’ll find your “wow” piece—either in something you’ve already written, or something yet to come.

Baby. Please don’t write out of spite. You’re better than that.

You are just as valid/deserving as the next Writer. And you do belong.

If you feel sad/unworthy when sharing your works or interacting with others’, get to the root of why. Writing should be fun, rewarding, and relaxing. Not shameful, embarrassing, or a chore.

Writing (fanfiction, specifically) is labeled as “transformative works”. Self-explanatory, right? However, if you notice the transformative part begin to have a personal effect on you—a negative one—it’s time to take a step back.

Right now, I can name a single quality you possess: diligence. How do I know? Because you’re a Writer, and the two go hand-in-hand.

Got that single scene in your head but you haven’t completed or even began all the chapters preceding? Bruh. Jot that down right now. You don’t need 20k words beforehand.

Embrace your writing mood swings. The stray, sweet and condensed blurbie. The ideal, bridging drabble. The solid, substantial oneshot. The hefty, elaborate 10k word chapter. Appreciate everything in-between, and that you are capable of all of it.

Nobody remembers that extra word or typo or stray speech mark back all the way back in chapter 3. Tell the little monster in your head to go to hell.

You’re not a weirdo for making facial expressions and mulling through your dialogue aloud. You. Are. A. Writer.

It’s OK if the Readers can’t always see exactly what you envisioned in your head, or the full extent of the picture you painted. We all see colors differently.

Don’t be afraid to experiment with your writing.

In fact, challenge yourself to dabble into a new plot/trope/concept every day, even if only for a few minutes. You may discover you love writing it.

There’s no rush to finish/begin any written work. If you take your time, you will make your mark. You’re not falling behind or running late. Slow down and wait for it. :)

Three cheers for hiatus.

Listen to your body and mind, know your limits and when it’s time to take a break.

Actually take a break. :)

If you feel like you’re falling stagnant in creativity, looking to/revisiting other forms of creative media can help encourage the flow.

Ask for encouragement, and be at peace with asking.

Take shelter in fellow writers. Uplift each other always.

You are/will be someone’s favorite author. :)

You don’t have anything to prove. You have something to share.

Someone is thinking about your work right now.

Someone started a series because they drew inspiration from you.

Personal writing style can reflect a lot on the state of one’s mental health. Try to always be attentive to that of your own.

Self-validation must be cultivated early on or nothing will ever work.

Freestyle every once in a while. Write a snippet, timed, and go—without editing. Write the first thing that comes to mind and go from there. Do it all the way through the set time. When it stops, you’ll find yourself unable to. 3,800 words here we come. :)

Not everything needs an outline. :)

It is completely normal to write your story out of order.

Create guidelines for yourself. If they aren’t working, toss ‘em.

Word vomiting can help you feel better (it’s just how it sounds). By clearing all those jumbled thoughts and scattered concepts, you achieve a clearer objective. Try it sometime.

A rough draft is supposed to be rough.

Sometimes the words come to you quicker than others. Be patient. That is merely the construct of a Writer’s mind. You’re a beautiful enigma.

A sentence written is a story progressing.

Writing is an endurance sport. You must pace yourself and exercise it daily.

You are still a Writer even when the words aren’t on the actual page.

You’re not obligated to a writing/posting schedule.

As you progress in your journey and gain more awareness, don’t sacrifice your style. Those beginning works are what define you. Hold onto them and don’t ever let them go.

You’re the only one cringing—

Remember that sometimes words are elusive and you don’t always have control over them, and that is OK. Sometimes they write themselves. Sometimes your characters come to life and break out into dance across your page. Dance with them. You can wrangle them back when the music stops. :)

There is nothing condemning or embarrassing about asking for a beta. Allow someone to help carry the load.

Allow people to cheer you on—even if they don’t read your work.

It’s OK if your writing style isn’t someone else’s preference.

Be your biggest cheerleader. Sometimes you are all you have.

You don’t need anyone’s approval except your own.

You love that trope/concept/story you just wrote? That’s all that matters. The end.

You will never write good. You will write you. And that is good.

Above all else: remember to write for you.🤍

[the-scandalorian]

Tempered Glass: Chapter 7

Pairing: Din Djarin x Female Reader Rating: M (will become explicit) Word Count: 5.5k Warnings: slow burn, canon-typical violence, cursing, pining, Din in suspenders, fluff Summary: Din takes a job with his old crew, and you and the kid wait for him on Arvala-7. Notes: Sorry this took me forever!

Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter

Image from The Art of Star Wars: The Mandalorian

After you left the atmosphere of Tatooine and jumped into hyperspace, Din swiveled his chair around to face you in the copilot’s seat.

“I should take a job. Everything we made went to Peli, and I don’t like being low on credits. There’s a crew I used to run with...I can reach out to them...” he hesitated then added, “but you and the kid can’t come with me.”

“What do you mean I can’t come with you?”

He sighed, shoulders dropping. “I mean, I don’t trust them enough for you and the kid to come.”

“If you don’t trust them, wouldn’t it be better to have backup?”

“I just—,” he looked away, “I don’t want them to know either of you exist.”

“If you don’t trust them, should you be taking a job with them?”

“We don’t have a lot of options.”

“I could get work somewhere. We could go somewhere safe enough for a few weeks. There are some places where I have contacts, and non-bounty hunting work is usually less conspicuous.”

“I don’t think we should stay anywhere that long right now.”

“But—”

“I’ll feel better if you and the kid are safe together.”

“I—”

When he bowed his head in a silent appeal, your determination crumbled.

“Ugh, fine.”

He sighed in relief, reaching out to rest his hand on your knee briefly. His touch was reassuring.

“But, just so you know, this is only going to work once, so don’t think that my staying back with the kid is going to be a regular thing.”

He removed his hand and turned back around to face the viewport.

“I am taking your silence as tacit agreement,” you said to the back of his helmet.

He chose to ignore that, fiddling with the controls instead.

***

Now that you’d both admitted you wanted to stay together, abandoning the pretense of strategy and convenience all together, things were a little off between you and Din. Neither of you were used to being vulnerable, so conversations were slightly stunted again. You found yourself being overly polite, and Din was doing the same.

That first night back on the Crest, he offered you his bunk.

“I’m not taking your bed. You need it to take off your helmet.”

Besides the unshakable lingering chill of the hull, sleeping there wasn’t that bad. You usually slept with every sweater you owned on and that kept you warm enough.

“Use it when I’m not. You shouldn't have to sleep on the floor.”

“Sure, thanks,” you agreed, knowing you’d never take him up on that. You didn’t want to be on a different sleep schedule than he and the kid.

You did try to nap with the kid in Din’s bunk the next day because there wasn’t all that much to do in hyperspace. As soon as you lay down, though, you knew it was a mistake. First of all, it was crazy uncomfortable (somehow not better than the literal floor and the close walls made it slightly claustrophobic), and second—and far more importantly—it smelled overwhelmingly like Din. It smelled like his pine-y soap and beskar and blaster residue and leather and whatever else made up his infuriatingly good scent. It conjured images of crackling fires and golden skin and warm embraces and taut muscles.

Shit.

There was no chance you were going to be able to fall sleep when all you could think about was him.

The kid, on the other hand, was snoozing contentedly beside you. When you’d fully given up on napping, you edged your way out the bunk carefully, doing your best not to wake him.

Din was sitting in the hull on a long crate against the wall, cleaning his blaster, the pieces spread out next to him. Usually, when you were in the hull at the same time, you’d find a place across from him. Instead, you purposefully sat next to him, drawing your knees up to your chest and leaning against the wall.

You decided you were going to push through this awkward phase and make things not weird right there, right then. And you were going to do that the best way you knew how.

He tilted his helmet toward you momentarily then refocused on the blaster in his hand.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes,” he said, running a rag along the barrel.

“How does one develop a catchphrase? Does it happen organically or is there an iterative brainstorming process?”

Din paused, sighing dramatically, set his blaster and the rag down next to him, and pushed himself back until he was also leaning against the metal wall. His helmet clunked slightly as he relaxed it back. “This is the way is not a catchphrase. It’s a tenet of the Creed.”

“And ‘I can bring you in warm or I can bring you in cold’ is also a tenet of the Creed?”

He lolled his helmet to the side, looking down at you. “Okay, fine, that one isn’t,” he conceded.

“So you admit it—you have at least one catchphrase that you regularly use on bounties.” You smirked up at him.

Without missing a beat, Din fixed you with that unreadable visor and quipped: “I’ve been told I have a sexy voice. I’m just giving the people what they want.”

Your jaw dropped, a shocked laugh echoing through the hull. You had planned on teasing him and had not expected him to turn it around on you so smoothly.

“Uh... I was sort of hoping we’d stick to our unspoken agreement to not bring up the stupid things I said when I was drunk.” You looked down at your hands, suddenly unable to meet his gaze.

“Oh, definitely not.”

You looked back up. “Alright, well then in the name of fairness, we’re going to have to get you really drunk the next time the opportunity presents itself, so we can see what embarrassing things you say.”

He paused for a moment, considering, then said, “Does that mean you’ll carry me home?”

You cracked a smile, nodding vigorously. “Of course. That would only be fair.”

A warm laugh rasped through the modulator. You crossed your ankles in front of you, letting your knee rest against the cold beskar on this thigh.

“I feel skeptical of that promise.” He dropped a gloved hand to your knee.

“Okay, okay I can’t promise to carry you home, but I can promise to tie your shoe if needed.”

“My boots don’t have laces.” He lifted a foot off the ground to show you.

You shrugged playfully: “Well, that’s not my fault.”

“This doesn’t sound like a very good deal for me. I tied your shoe and carried you home.”

“To be fair, both were against my will.”

“But necessary.”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Okay, okay, I can’t carry you, and I can’t tie your shoe... so I’ll...,” you bit your lip as you fished around for something else to offer, “...hold your hand? And not let anyone tickle you.”

He huffed and rubbed his thumb over your knee: “I’m not ticklish.”

You pursed your lips. “Right, sure, of course not. My mistake.”

He harrumphed. “Can I ask you something now?”

“I’ll allow it,” you intoned seriously.

“Where are you actually from?”

“Naboo. Most of my back story was true—I just left out the one major detail.”

“Your favorite color?” he deadpanned.

You laughed. “Yes, exactly. What about you? Where are you from?”

“Aq Vetina.”

You waited, hoping he’d elaborate.

“When my parents died there, I was rescued by the Mandalorians and raised in the Fighting Corps.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, placing your hand over his and squeezing gently. “That sounds like a tough life for a child.”

“It was all I knew,” he explained, shifting slightly.

“Still, that can’t have been easy. It makes sense that you couldn’t leave the kid.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly, solemnly. There was a tension in his shoulders that hadn’t been there moments ago.

“Less serious question,” you replied, changing the subject to something lighter.

“Okay.” He relaxed a little.

“Why don’t you ever use a straw to drink with your helmet on?”

“These are the things you think about?” he laughed. His laugh was usually a quiet, muffled sound through the modulator, but it was getting easier to pick up on it. “There’s a seal on the helmet, otherwise the filters wouldn’t work,” he tapped the release on the side of his head. “So a straw isn’t a possibility, unfortunately.”

“Mmm,” you responded, “that is disappointing.”

He gripped your thigh lightly, turning toward you. “I, uh, heard back about the job... while you were asleep. It’s a go.”

“Ah... great. I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t hear back.”

“I know. It will be fine.”

“Okay... So, any ideas for where the kid and I should stay?”

To your surprise, Din explained that he had a trusted friend on Arvala-7. When you agreed to the plan, he disappeared to the cockpit to set the nav—a two-day trip.

***

That same evening, you discovered a new favorite activity on the Crest. Before bed, the kid was being particularly fussy, so you pulled out your data pad and downloaded the first children’s book you could find. It worked liked a charm.

From then on, it became a daily routine: you’d read to him until his eyelids drooped before his nap and before bedtime. Regardless of his mood, listening to you read seemed to soothe him. You’d pull him into your lap and settle onto your stack of blankets against the wall. He’d watch your face, enraptured, as you relayed story after story to him. His favorite—the story that elicited the most chirps and grabby motions and ear wiggles—centered on a family of frogs. You revisited that one at least once a day, sometimes more if he was grouchy.

You weren’t sure how to feel about his hyperfixation on that particular story given his appetite for frogs.

At this rate, your digital library was going to be largely children’s books. You didn’t mind.

You noticed that Din would find something to do in the hull while you read. The first couple times, he sat and cleaned one of his many weapons or sewed a hole in his flight suit. Very quickly, he stopped bothering with an ostensible task and would just sit and listen.

When you were still 15 hours out from Arvala-7, Din was seated on his usual crate in the hull, the one next to the weapons cabinet, as you finished the final page of a particularly thrilling story about a snail. The kid was snoring softly in your arms, so you clicked off your datapad, and got up to settle him in his hammock for his mid-day nap.

“You’re good with him.” Din was leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.

“I guess,” you shrugged, snapping the door to Din’s bunk shut and turning back to him. “I just think about what I liked as a kid. I loved when my parents would read to me.”

He nodded, helmet trained on the floor between his boots.

“I’m sorry—” you started, realizing how that must have sounded to Din.

He looked up and cut you off. “Don’t be. It’s nice for him to have some normal kid experiences.”

“You know what he’d really love?”

“What?”

“If you read to him.”

He dipped his helmet slightly in acknowledgement, rolling his shoulders back at the same time like he was uncomfortable agreeing with that.

Several hours later, you pulled Din down next to you in your normal pre-bedtime story time spot. He had the kid in his arms. You switched on your datapad and toggled through the catalog of books you’d downloaded, all of which had colorful covers and silly, whimsical titles, until you found the frog book.

“Here,” you offered, passing it over to him.

You leaned your head back against the wall and closed your eyes, listening to Din’s serious, even voice narrate the heartwarming hijinks of a family of frogs. The kid cooed and babbled along.

To your (and the kid’s) utter delight, Din’s rendition slowly evolved into a full-on dramatic reading, complete with sound effects and slightly different voices for each character, as he leaned into whatever prompted the most enthusiastic responses from the kid. You kept your eyes closed and said nothing, worried that if you drew attention to this new development, he’d get self-conscious and stop. You couldn’t help from smiling a little though.

When the story came to its conclusion, you opened your eyes. Din was scrolling through the library of options, browsing for the next book. “What do you think? Which one next?” You looked at him, but he wasn’t asking you. The kid let out a string of gibberish, pointing with a teeny finger. Din read out the titles of several options, selecting the one that triggered the most animated trill.

As Din began the story, he shifted until his body was flush with yours. The places where his beskar made contact with you were cold, even through the fabric of your clothes, but you didn’t mind.

By the time Din finished the second book, the kid was displaying the telltale signs—drooping ears and unfocused eyes—that bedtime had arrived.

Din handed you the datapad and stood to tuck the kid into bed.

As he shut the door to his bunk, you said, “I think you just put me out of a job.”

He scoffed, but you could tell he was pleased.

***

As you got more comfortable around each other, Din took to walking around without his armor—beside his helmet—on. Most of the time, he’d even leave his gloves off. He wore either a flight suit that zipped up the middle or a black shirt and pants...with suspenders. The first few times, it was jarring to see him like that, without his armor. He looked wrong. It was like seeing a turtle without its shell... but if turtles were sexy.

The first time he emerged from his bunk with the suspenders hanging loosely by his sides, you stopped dead, mouth hanging open. He tilted his helmet sharply at you: “What?”

“You sometimes wear suspenders under your armor?”

“...Yes?”

You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you and the goofy grin that spread across your face.

“What?” he prompted again, shoulders pulling up toward his neck.

“I just really wasn’t expecting that,” you laughed.

“What were you expecting?” The playful note in his voice left you flustered. He took a step closer, much more relaxed now that he was the one doing the teasing. He was getting too good at flipping things on you.

Instead of answering—because you were not about to address the fact that you had absolutely thought about what he wore under his armor—you strode up to him and pulled the suspenders over his shoulders. He stood uncomfortably still, arms hanging awkwardly by his sides.

“What are you doing?” He looked down at his shirt then back up at you.

“I just want to get the full picture.” You looked him up and down.

“Thought about this a lot, have you?” He quirked his helmet down at you suggestively. It was only the second time you’d gotten that particular flavor of head tilt, and you...didn’t hate it. It made your neck feel hot. You disregarded the intense desire to grab him by the suspenders and jerk him toward you.

Instead, you narrowed your eyes at him, enjoying this new bold flirtation. Without looking away from his visor, you hooked a finger through one of the suspenders and pulled it out a couple inches, letting it snap back against him.

“Ow.” He stated it so matter-of-factly that it obviously hadn’t hurt, but for dramatic effect, he rubbed the spot on his chest where it hit him.

“You’ll survive,” you assured him, patting his shoulder and brushing past him to climb the ladder to the cockpit. When you sat down in the pilot’s seat and kicked your feet up to rest on the console, you still had a smile on your face.

***

A few hours later, you were seated in the copilot seat with the child held tightly in your lap as the Razor Crest descended through the atmosphere of Arvala-7. On the way, Din shared how he’d met this friend—he had helped Din when he was originally tracking down the child months ago.

However, when you asked what his friend’s name was, Din said he didn’t know. Honestly, you weren’t even that surprised. Just exasperated.

Din told you the details of when he tracked down the child, including the assassin droid he'd crossed paths with. He explained how he’d teamed up with IG-11, but in the end, he had to destroy the droid to protect the kid. The anger in his voice was raw when he described watching IG-11 point his blaster at the child.

As the dusty, cracked surface of the planet came into view, you asked, “Is that what caused your thing with droids?”

“What thing?”

“Din.”

He was silent for a long moment.

“Droids destroyed my home planet, killed my parents. They’re the reason I was a foundling as a child.”

His words washed over you, and your heart dropped. You leaned forward in your seat to put a hand on his shoulder. He stayed perfectly still, helmet trained on the controls in front of him.

“I’m sorry.”

He nodded stiffly and reached up to squeeze your hand briefly.

“We’re about to land.”

You took that as a cue to drop the subject for now.

***

You and Din, the kid in his arms, approached a small collection of low structures. You swept your eyes across the uniform landscape—all was dry and sienna and flat. The Ugnaught’s homestead was the only sign of habitation in sight. The buildings were brown and domed, and windmills creaked slowly in the warm breeze. Three blurrgs in a large corral watched you balefully.

“Mandalorian!” the Ugnaught greeted, emerging from the door of his low home.

“Ugnaught,” Din replied with a nod.

“I did not think I would see you here again. What business brings you back to Arvala-7?”

“I was hoping that my friends could stay with you for a couple nights—I’ll pay you for the lodging.”

Of course he'd refer to me and a literal infant as his "friends."

You introduced yourself, offering your hand.

The Ugnaught bowed his head slightly as he clasped your hand: “It is nice to make your acquaintance. I am Kuill.”

At least Din knows his name now.

Kuill turned back to Din. “The child remains in your care,” he observed.

“Yes,” said Din, offering no explanation. He set the child down on the ground, and he toddled his way slowly over to Kuill.

Kuill scooped up the baby, and he chirruped happily, reaching toward his whiskery mustache.

“It hasn’t grown much.”

“I think it might be a Strand-Cast.”

You shot Din a skeptical look. He’d never shared this particular theory of his with you.

“I don’t think it was engineered. I’ve worked in the gene farms. This one looks evolved. Too ugly,” mused Kuill.

You raised your eyebrows at the frankness of his statement. He is not ugly.

“Your friends are welcome to stay with me. No payment will be necessary. I have spoken.” Kuill turned and headed back inside without so much as a backward glance.

“I insist,” Din said to his back.

Kuill disappeared into his home.

Din turned to you: “He does that. Just ends a conversation like that.”

“I understand why the two of you get along so well. Men of few words.” You raised an eyebrow at him.

Din nodded, reinforcing your point inadvertently.

You and Din stepped closer to each other at the same time. For the first time, you let the concern you were feeling color your features.

“I’ll be back in three days, if not sooner.”

He was padding his timeline in response to the worry that was etched across your face. You knew Din could defend himself—that wasn’t your fear. It was that, whether he liked to admit it or not, he occasionally let trust blind him. The irony of that wasn’t lost on you, considering how long it had taken for him to trust you. This was the trademark paradox of Din. He was loath to fully let people in, but he had a tendency to take people at face value and assume they would keep their word—because he always kept his word. He had a surprisingly generous worldview for someone with such a violent profession and brutal past.

Din reached down to grab something small that was tucked in his belt—the metal ball from one of the controls in the cockpit that the kid loved to play with. He occasionally pretended to be irritated whenever he wanted to play with it, but you knew he found it endearing.

He handed it to you. “He’ll want that.”

You smiled and nodded, looking at the sphere in your palm. Din raised a hand to your chin and tilted your face back up to his.

Do we... hug? He doesn’t seem like a hugger.

So instead, you offered, “Be careful, okay?”

“I will,” he promised. He stayed there for a moment longer, looking at you and rubbing his thumb along your cheek. Before you could decide if you should also try to hug him, he turned abruptly to walk back to the Crest.

You stayed and watched him as he walked the distance back to the ship and disappeared up the ramp. You stayed and watched as the Razor Crest rumbled to life and took off. You stayed and watched as it ascended through the atmosphere and vanished from view.

***

It was a relief to be off the ship for a few days—even if Arvala-7 wasn’t exactly your ideal planet. It would be a treat to eat real food, instead of shelf-stable ration packs, and to have more than the limited space of the ship to move around in... not to mention an actual bed.

Kuill was a kind and welcoming host. He offered you his spare room, where you placed your things, and you sat down for tea together in his small kitchen.

“How did you come to be in the company of the Mandalorian and the child?”

“I guess he has a soft spot for people who are wanted by the Empire?” you chuckled, and Kuill nodded somberly. “Now, we’re just helping each other out.” You weren’t really sure how else to explain it.

Kuill didn’t press you anymore than that, nodding sagely. Instead, while you sipped your tea with the kid on your lap, he told you about his background—decades of indentured servitude to the Empire before he worked off his debt and bought his freedom—in the solemn, frugal way that was clearly characteristic of the Ugnaught. You understood why Din trusted him: he was forthright, calm, wise.

“What can I help you with while I’m here?” you asked, already anxious to find something to occupy your time.

“You are my guest. You do not need to do any work.”

“I would be happy to,” you insisted. “I would rather be busy. I can help with cleaning or repairs—whatever you need. My formal training was in programming, but I’ve picked up general skills along the way.”

Kuill nodded and said, “Come.”

He turned and walked out of his house. You set down your tea on the table and followed him, the child tucked in the crook of your elbow, happily clutching the silver ball. Kuill stopped in front of the workstation that was a short distance from his doorway. Tools and wiring and various speeder parts were arranged on and around a long workbench and a collection of smaller tables and shelves. The circular backdrop of the workbench was the repurposed window of a TIE fighter.

An assassin droid was laid across the tabletop.

“Is this the droid that Mando shot?”

“I believe so, yes. It was left behind, in the Mandalorian’s wake of destruction. I found it lying where it fell—devoid of all life. I recovered the flotsam and staked it as my own in accordance with the Charter of the New Republic. Little remains of its neural harness. Reconstruction will be quite difficult.”

“What are your plans for it?”

“To convert it from an assassin droid to something more useful: a protocol and nurse droid.”

You nodded. “Handy.”

“I will have to reconstruct the neural harness, and then it will have to relearn every function from scratch. It will be a blank slate on which to program something nurturing instead of destructive. You may help me restore him if you would like.”

“Of course.”

The two of you got to work.

***

That night, when you lay down to sleep, you tossed and turned. The child was snuggled in a makeshift crib next to your bed. You found yourself sitting up periodically to check on him. Every time you checked on him, he was sleeping soundly.

Eventually, you slipped out of your bed, tiptoed quietly through the house, and walked out into the cold, clear night. You walked aimlessly for a while, circling the corral of blurrgs. They were asleep, eyes shut tight, standing in a close clump. Then you turned to head out across the open plain and watch the stars through the thin veil of clouds that dusted the sky.

You were starting to regret that you hadn’t pushed harder to go with Din. He was with a whole team of people who sounded untrustworthy at best, malicious at worst. You couldn’t help but think of all the things you should have said to him before he left. You hadn’t even hugged him.

It was freaking you out a little just how attached you were to a man who you’d known for a couple months.

You walked until the chill of the night air became too much, then turned back.

In the morning, you sat at Kuill’s kitchen table again, feeding the child. Kuill moved around the small food prep area, pulling together breakfast and making tea.

You followed Kuill as he went about his daily jobs, caring for the blurrgs, doing routine maintenance, and continuing the work on IG-11.

You were sweating in the sun, hands covered in grease, concentrating on refitting a damaged arm joint when Kuill’s calm voice brought you out of your train of thought.

“It is curious that the Mandalorian elected to keep the child.”

You looked up at him. “He secretly has a soft heart,” you said, smiling to yourself.

“Yes, that much is clear, but he is also set in his beliefs, and this choice went against the Guild Code. What is curious is that such a small being could inspire a change of heart in such a rigid person.”

You considered his words.

“I... think he was just waiting to find a greater purpose than hunting, to find someone to love, you know? It comes naturally to him, but I don’t think he’d ever had the chance.”

Kuill hummed thoughtfully. “Is that not what we are all doing—looking for a greater purpose?”

“I guess?” You shrugged.

“And have you?”

“Have I what?” you asked, wiping a bead of sweat off your forehead.

“Have you found the greater purpose you were looking for?”

You considered for a moment then said, “Well... I found a purpose a long time ago, when I joined the Alliance, and since then, I’ve been too busy trying to escape the wrath of the Empire to really think about what’s next in the larger sense... Staying alive has been the main priority.”

Kuill hummed again, glancing over at the kid. “You weren’t looking for something greater, but it appears to have found you.”

“I...,” you started. You watched the child, who was siting on the hard ground admiring the silver ball clutched in his hand. “I’m not sure.”

“I have spoken,” said Kuill, bowing his head, and he lapsed back into silence.

You watched the kid as he dropped the ball and staggered to his feet, squealing excitedly as he chased a lizard that darted past him. You wondered where Din was at this exact moment, and your heart squeezed in a familiar way.

***

The second night was much like the first. You walked outside for some time, thinking of all the awful things that could be happening to Din.

What if they turn on him?

What if another hunter finds him?

What if he doesn’t come back?

It wasn't a crazy thought. You were used to people not coming back.

Until that moment, you hadn't considered that you'd be the sole guardian of the kid if Din didn't return. For a split second, you felt the crushing weight of responsibility for the life and safety and happiness of the tiny green child that Din must feel at all times.

Eventually you fell into a fitful sleep, waking early, and the day dawned bright and cold. As the sun climbed, the chill rapidly dissipated, making way for a dry heat that seemed to be the only weather condition on Arvala-7.

You spent the morning helping Kuill continue the repairs on IG-11. You did your best to not count the hours that slipped by. He’d said it could take three days, so there was no reason to be concerned yet.

But... did he mean he would return ON the third day? Or the fourth day?

And for that matter... did the day he left count as day one? Or was yesterday day one?

Did he mean seventy-two hours from the time he left? Or that he’d be back at the start of the third day?

How did I not clarify this before he left??

That evening, you were in deep in discussion about artificial intelligence when Kuill said, “I believe your Mandalorian has returned to you.” He pointed behind you, and you whipped around to see the Crest touching down in a cloud of dust in the distance.

“Will you—?” you asked, turning back to Kuill.

“I will watch the child.” He seemed vaguely amused by your enthusiasm.

You sprang to your feet and walked as fast as you could toward the Crest. You briefly considered running, but that felt dramatic. He’d only been gone a couple days.

Why did he land so fucking far away?

You’d made it about half the distance when the ramp of the Crest finally began to lower with a hiss. Your resolve snapped, and you started to jog. Din descended the ramp, and you were so relieved to see him that you weren’t even embarrassed anymore that you were literally running to him.

Din cocked his head—a curious head tilt—when he saw you sprinting at him across the dusty ground. He paused at the bottom of the ramp.

“Are you—?” he started to say as you crashed into his chest and wrapped your arms around him. He barely budged upon impact.

His shoulders relaxed immediately, and he pulled you tight against him.

Well, if he wasn’t a hugger before, he is now.

“I’m okay,” he reassured you.

“Good,” you said into the fabric bunched around his neck.

After a moment, you released him and stepped back, the steadying weight of his hands remaining on your arms. He looked like he was in one piece, but the slight heaviness in his shoulders told you that the job had taken a toll on him.

“I, uh, missed you too,” he said, a little awkwardly.

You smiled at him and took his gloved hand in yours to walk back towards Kuill’s home. You felt slightly giddy that you were casually holding the Mandalorian’s hand. He seemed taken by it too, his helmet tilted down to where your fingers were intertwined.

“The kid?” he asked, looking up to your face.

“He’s good. Misses you, I think. Ate several frogs. And one lizard. The usual. He is disgusting,” you laughed.

Din made a sound that you would almost swear was a snort. “Yeah, he is,” he agreed fondly.

Kuill was waiting outside his home, the child in his arms. When you and Din were close, Kuill set him down, and the baby tottered over to wrap his tiny arms around Din’s calf.

You watched as Din bent stiffly, slowly to pick up the kid.

“You’re hurt,” you realized.

“I'm fine,” he said.

You felt sure that wasn’t true, but you let it be for the moment.

“Thank you,” Din addressed Kuill. He reached into the pouch of his belt for credits.

“I will not accept payment,” Kuill insisted, shaking his head. “In fact, your friend here helped me make great progress on my current project.” Kuill raised his eyebrows at you.

“Very well,” Din acquiesced.

You gathered your things and said your thank yous and goodbyes, returning to the Crest, which—with a jolt—you realized was already starting to feel like home.

***

Chapter 8

***

Taglist: @bbdoyouloveme @beskarhearts @bookloverfilmoholic @elinedjarin @eury-dice3 @dincrypt @dunderr @honey-hi @jagi-yaaa @just-me-and-my-obsessions00 @mbpokemonrulez @red-leaders @speakerforthedead0 @tuskens-mando @spideysimpossiblegirl @theflightytemptressadventure @ubri812 @zoemariefit

If you want to be added or removed, let me know!

[primergon]

Hi! I love your blog and would like to ask for idw or tfa matchup :3

I'm 19 female, asexual demiromantic, INTP, 5'7

I am very pale, with long dark hair, and my style varies from punk to soft

I adore mythology and everything mystical, write poetry and love creative writing, draw and design (I am fashion and jewelry design student). People around me often see me as creepy and somehow arrogant, but in fact I am a very simple and friendly person. I have problems with social skills and emotional understanding and have some history of depression.

I am quite calm and straightforward (and absolutely unable to read the atmosphere, which is why I can say something unnecessary), and also very talkative, if someone mentions my hyperfixations, it will be impossible to shut me up :'D I may unconsciously be rude, but I try to keep track of it, and then I am always ashamed. I'm also the kind of person who shows affection by trolling, and all my humor is built on sarcasm.

I value honesty and respect for personal boundaries, both mine and others. Stingy with the expression of emotions and prefer to express affection in the form of care and attention, but my emotional dryness and sarcastic nature often goes sideways to me despite this

I apologize for the mistakes, English is not my first language. Wish you a good day✨

A/N: Hi Anon! Don't worry, your message is clear and I can understand you fine. I'm a non-native English speaker too and I think you speak so well! Also, I received your message on TFA, it's alright! I'll pair you up with IDW Skids and IDW Megatron!

IDW SKIDS

01 | Skids is curious by nature. He likes to learn and ask questions, so when arrived above the Lost Light he was immediately drawn to you. Skids know how to hold a conversation so he's definitely the kind of mech to approach you at Swerves. Not only will he listen to your interests but he'll also engage in the conversation, asking questions here and there and letting you know that he's paying attention. He is also very opinionated, making it hard for the conversation to turn dull. It's one of the reasons why you grew emotionally closer and eventually turned romantic.

02| Because Skids has a way with words and wit that others find intriguing, he's a social butterfly that often attracts a crowd. You'd often find him with team Rodimus laughing together. He'll always be more than happy to invite you to join them. Even if you struggle with social cues and skills, Skids is more than happy to assure you and help you read the room. He loves how friendly you are once you open up, admiring you with what Whirl calls " goo-goo eyes."

03| While your straightforwardness may come off rude to others, Skids himself is very rational. Therefore he doesn't mind your bluntness at much, but if it does upset him, he's not afraid to tell you either. Which was a win-win situation because communication becomes very easy between the two of you. Albeit, Skids can sometimes be too argumentative, but he respects your personal space, knowing you need some time alone. You and Skids enjoy exchanging sarcastic remarks, both your humor seems to align, making occasional playful banter affectionate and fun.

04| He likes to watch you work. Skids find it exciting that you're a fashion and jewelry design student. While Skids is known to be the type to get bored easily, he never gets tired of watching you sketch out designs. It calms him, distracting him from the fact that he can't remember most of his past. Skids may be somewhat emotionally dense but he always knows when you're down. He'll start telling you mythical stories from Cybertron to take your minds off things. It's nice, he thinks, to be able to comfort you the way you've comfort him.

IDW MEGATRON

01| Megatron is direct and logical with his behavior. Although tends to avoid displays of emotion and may be perceived as cold in certain situations, he is a big old sap. That's why the moment you told him you enjoyed poetry he was already thinking about asking you out for dinner in the mess hall. Although it took time for him to open up and actually fall for you, Megatron was more than happy to take things slow, letting your friendship and emotional connection develop over time before inviting you into a romantic relationship.

02| Your personalities complement one another. While Megatron enjoys taking charge and encouraging growth from those around them, he needs someone calm and straightforward to keep him on track. You work well as a pair because there were no issues with communication, especially when your honesty encourages him to be more direct. He finds it easy to talk to you about anything, even things outside of work. It allowed Megatron to open up to you about his past and you were able to comfort him by sharing your story too. You both make a well-oiled, logical, forward-thinking team that keeps the ship running.

03| He likes listening to you talk. You could go on and on for hours and he'll still be listening, eyes deep in thought with a smile across his lips. He'll ask questions and add opinions of his own, gravitating towards the same topics you like considering that he is quite the poetic mech. Knowing that you need your personal space, he would sometimes invite you to read together. He would give you data pads filled with Cybertronian myths for you to share with him over dinner. He's also open to hearing your original works, praising you earnestly.

04| He understands that your sarcasm is merely a form of affection, and if you sometimes come off as rude it's purely unintentional. Megatron doesn't hold it against you when you fail to read the room, but he will not shy away from advising you as well. This works well because you won't hesitate to tell Megatron when he's being too demanding to his crewmates too. Although arguments may arise it's nothing you both can't handle. He finds your subtle show of affection endearing, when it comes to Megatron it's the thought that counts. But you don't miss the way he beams whenever you take care of him. Even through your little pranks Megatron can feel your love for him. And he's more than thankful to have you by his side.

I hope you enjoy this anon ! xx

[words-writ-in-starlight]

What’s the difference between autism and adhd ? I’m going through you adhd tag and now I’m trying to guess whenever I have adhd or if autism + c-ptsd are wrecking my focus.

Hey anon, I feel you very hard!  With the caveat that I am not a doctor and even self-diagnosis shouldn’t depend on taking the word of a random dude on the internet, here is my broad assessment, as a person with ADHD and C-PTSD but probably not autism:

All three feature a lot of overlap, both between the three and between individual pairs.  For example, PTSD and ADHD can both present with focusing difficulties, memory problems, and hypervigilant behavior.  ADHD and autism are highly comorbid--meaning, they appear together a lot, and one can easily mask the other because diagnostic tests aren’t always designed to separate them. More to the point, they share a lot of traits--hyperfixations and special interests are functionally the same thing, we both tend to stim a lot, we both have that once I start talking I can’t fucking stop thing.  All of them share a big list of symptoms, including rejection sensitivity, difficulty in social situations, difficulty regulating emotions, sleep problems, the works.  This can make it hard to parse the things that are characterized by “shared” symptoms--in this case, difficulty regulating your focus.

The things ADHD has that are not typical of autism or PTSD include:

Hyperactive behavior: this is different from stimming because it’s not attached to an actual sensation.  I just can’t sit the hell down and hold still, at all, ever.  It makes me feel like ants are crawling on my skin, and then it makes me frustrated, and then it makes me panicky, and then it makes me angry, and it pretty much goes downhill from there.  Not everyone with ADHD has this symptom (I recommend looking up the distinction between Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined ADHD; I have combined type), but it’s still worth mentioning.

Short attention span: focus is the ability to dedicate your energy to a task; attention is the ability to keep your brain on that task at all.  If I’m having a bad day or I forget my meds, I’ll just wind up staring at a wall or flipping through papers on my desk or something whenever my brain decides it’s done thinking about something.  This is your classic Inattentive ADHD symptom.  It is also why I have a list of every single minute task I need to do every day, because if my attention span ends before I’m expecting it to, I’ll forget everything I’m doing.

Poor sense of danger: not just a lack of impulse control, but your brain genuinely not telling you something is dangerous until you’ve already done it.  One time I submerged my arm almost to the shoulder in 175 F water and the only reason I didn’t have to go to the hospital was because pain reflexes don’t have to report to your brain.  I’m very delicately wired for threat responses, I’ll jump out of my skin if you drop a pencil, but if I had a dollar for every time I had to have my girlfriend bark DON’T TOUCH THAT right before I grabbed a hot pan, I’d be paying our Brooklyn rent.

Time blindness: ADHD means that I live at the mercy of the alarms on my phone.  I have absolutely no sense of how long it’s been since I did anything, nor how long I have until I need to do something else.  Have I been awake for an hour or four?  How long has it been since I ate?  If I have an appointment tomorrow, it basically doesn’t exist, right?  You know how everyone started talking about how it seems like the only time that exists is Right Now since the start of the pandemic?  That’s what ADHD feels like, all the time.

Interest-driven motivation: general executive dysfunction is one thing, but ADHD is characterized by a total lack of motivation for things that aren’t interesting.  I essentially have to have someone physically in the room watching me the entire time if I’m going to clean my room.  This is also because people with ADHD often also have trouble planning, which is such a related problem in my experience that I’m going to put it here.  I can’t parse what parts of “cleaning my room” need to happen in what order, and also, my brain hates it, so if I try to do it alone, I just end up a little puddle of overwhelmed, understimulated despair on the floor.

Understimulation: this is, in my experience, the big one.  ADHD is basically your brain being unable to provide a minimum level of stimulus to keep itself happy.  That means that when people with ADHD get understimulated, we get depressed.  If I sit in a waiting room with nothing to do for an hour before an appointment, I’m going to be on the verge of a meltdown by the time I’m done.  I’ve developed an endless list of “time filling” activities to keep my brain from dropping into the black void of boredom.  I’ve experienced a lot of emotions in my day and Nothing To Do is probably in the top three worst feelings I’ve ever felt.  Personally PTSD tends to manifest as my brain not caring about stimulation anymore, probably because PTSD is plenty of simulation all by itself--if I’m sitting quietly in a dark room, something has gone horribly wrong.

Anyway, that’s what I can think of offhand.  If you’re more of a visual thinker, this Venn diagram is a great TL;DR of this post.  Obviously, plenty of people have atypical presentations of other disorders that might share traits listed here, but these are the things that, in my experience, are more characteristic of ADHD than PTSD or autism.  

As ever, if you’re really struggling and you feel like you need help and you have the option, I recommend a professional opinion over Some Guy Online, but this guy online thinks you’re doing great.  Be gentle with yourself--the slow creep of worldwide trauma created by the pandemic means that a lot of people are struggling to keep their footing, psychologically speaking.  That very frequently manifests as focusing problems, especially for those of us with pre-existing disorders.  Don’t rush to a diagnosis in the middle of a worldwide disaster, but also, take yourself seriously.  The name of the disorder is secondary to the fact that you’re having a hard time, so don’t forget to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

[tarysande]

Some things I’m learning on this personal ADHD-diagnosis journey:

Some doctors will dismiss you when you admit that, yes, you got straight As in school and were never a classroom disturbance. 

But that doesn’t erase the truth:

I got straight As because I liked school, liked learning, and wasn’t bored.

When I was bored in the classroom, I wrote novels instead of paying attention; that was quiet. I daydreamed all the time; so quiet. After being caught at this once or twice, my ADHD-sensitivity to criticism (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) clicked in and I realized if I answered a question at the beginning of class, the teacher would ignore me for the rest and never put me on the spot. I slipped headphones under my long hair and listened to CDs. Do you know how many times I listened to Tori Amos’s “Winter” on repeat in math class? How many times I invented “Student Council business” to get out of a class that was boring me to rage or tears? Do they care that, even though you got straight As, you missed more than a month of school days in your senior year because you just couldn’t deal with it anymore?

(Absences, I learned, mean nothing if you have straight As. Lies about how you spend your time mean nothing. Listening to the same song over and over and over to drown out the boredom means nothing.)

They don’t ask if all those papers and assignments that got those good grades were completed in a panic the night before after breaking down crying because how could I be so stupid, I knew this was going to happen, why can’t I stop procrastinating, why can’t I just have more willpower, why I am I such a failure? They don’t ask if you can’t finish work without a deadline, and that if the deadline is too vague or far away it means nothing except that you have longer to procrastinate until you panic. They don’t ask how many times you’ve started something and been unable to finish even though you want to, you really really want to. But you can’t. You know it doesn’t make sense. Knowing changes nothing.

Did you get bad grades? Were you a classroom disturbance? What were your report cards like?

They don’t ask if you’re living up to your potential. They don’t ask if knowing you’re not living up to your potential is the slow poison that taints every other aspect of your life.

#

Some doctors will say, “ADHD involves impulsivity. Were you promiscuous, did you have problems with drugs or alcohol?” And you will say, “No.” They will dismiss you.

They will not ask if you have a history of overspending, of impulse buying even when your brain says, “Sweetheart, you know you can’t afford that.” They won’t ask if you’re able to be patient when you want attention or feedback or praise. They won’t ask if you’ve pretended that some new piece of clothing was older, or bought second-hand. They won’t ask how much of those university loans you spent not on tuition, but on feeding the pleasure center of your brain that just wants more. More pretty dresses, more video games, more chocolate.

They will not ask how much time you spend on the internet, refreshing pages because you just can’t focus on anything else, and refreshing pages is easy, and might mean a little dopamine hit. They will not ask about the intensity of your interests. When you say the word “hyperfixation” they look uncomfortable, like you know a word you’re not supposed to know. Like they might have to take you seriously.

They’ll still dismiss you, though. You got good grades, you’re put together, you’re not fidgeting.

#

Some doctors will interrupt you when you’re trying to explain something, and yes, your explanation involves 23 diversions because you’re trying to really explain it. Really explain it so they understand. They will hold up a hand. They will snap, “Stop talking,” and your rejection-sensitive dysphoria will cripple you. You will want to vomit. You will start to cry and pretend you’re not crying. They will say, “I think you have anxiety, take these drugs. They will say, you are depressed, take these ones.” They will not listen when you say, “But the anxiety and depression have a common root; why won’t you listen to me?” They will not listen when you say, “Why are you treating the symptoms but not the underlying cause?”

#

Some doctors will treat you like you’re a drug-seeker, especially if you come in with too much knowledge (because you like learning, because you’ve always liked learning, because maybe you can’t control much of anything but you can read, read, read and cling to that knowledge like a lifeline; you can always be clever. You can always be smart. Less rejection that way.). They may narrow their eyes like you want medication for a nefarious purpose when all you really want is to be able to turn the key in the ignition and start the car. The car is good; there’s nothing mechanically wrong. The tank is full. But without a key, you cannot turn the damn thing on. And because your brain is not always your ally in these things, it whispers, “You’re imagining this. You have the key. It’s in your pocket. Just take it out.” But you don’t have a pocket. You don’t have a key. Telling yourself you do, you just need to find it, just need to manufacture it out of thin air does not make it true.

I’ve learned that to get help, the right kind of help, you sometimes have to turn yourself inside out. You have to somehow accomplish the things your condition makes most difficult: you must accept rejection, you must persevere beyond what you think possible, you must stand up for yourself over and over and get used to disagreeing with people trying to dismiss you, you must not let yourself be silenced.

I have a doctor who is listening to me now. It’s slow-going. It’s frustrating. It’s hard. The last year--more--of trying to make myself understood has been exhausting. But then, hasn’t my whole life been exhausting? Of course it has. I got good grades, I wasn’t a classroom disturbance. No one knew I was suffering. I slipped through the cracks.

The car’s been sitting idle a long time. I’ve probably done some damage to the clutch. But maybe I have a key. Maybe the car will shudder to life when I turn it.

[luque-moreau]

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

ye

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

[robuttsinyourthighs]

Starscream telling Arcee and the Autobots he killed Cliffjumper cause Cliff killed Star’s trine with an explosion and Bumblebee sadly admits that it’s true and Star tearfully says that Skywarp and Thundercracker were the last of his loved ones after losing Vos... "I lost everyone... At least you still have Jack and your fellow Autobots!" 💔

I kind of took the idea of this and went on a bender. I’ve been writing this on my phone for... well, however long this ask has been in my inbox! I’ll also be posting this on my AO3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27387250

Please ENJOY~!

---------------------------------------

He was backed into a corner yet again. That blasted femme always had it out for him, even after all this struggle and strife to hop on board the Autobot goody-two-shoes-train. He always had to prove himself, even when he wasn't up to something he was never fully trusted and especially not by her. He just wanted a ration, that was all, and Ratchet had sanctioned it and Bumblebee offered to go as his chaperone but it didn't stop Arcee's pent up frustration and mistrust from tailing the seeker and exploding at him.

"I've been with you lot for nearly a year and you STILL want to badger me?" The seeker cracked open the corner of his cube right there in the storage room, not wanting to give the two-wheeler enough time to make him lose his appetite by stalking him to his hab-suite as well.

"It's not badgering, it's questioning. I deserve answers, and the team deserves to know what you REALLY are." The former Con-turned-Not-quite-Autobot sneered.

"And what am I, exactly?" He leaned over her, a common intimidation tactic he used when on occasion he was taller than the other person in the room. "I would so LOVE for you to tell me."

Bumblebee tried to fit between the two somewhat, hands held up while buzzing and beeping his concern and warning Arcee to move back. The blue and pink motorcycle refused, clenching her fists and fighting to not transform out her blasters.

"You are a sick monster who has killed more Cybertronians than any Autobot or 'Con! You killed Cliffjumper in cold blood!" The jet sucked his teeth in irritation and leaned back from her space, folding an arm over his torso and resting his elbow on the back of his hand.

"Oh this old song and dance again? Please, find something new to hyperfixate on," he sneered dismissively, 'We've all lost someone in this war, you're not SPECIAL. Look at your scout, he's always sunshine and fluttering doors despite what Megatron did to his vocalizer." The seeker flicked his wings irritably and his plating flared around his collar and sides, a sign he was more upset than he was letting on. Arcee read him well enough to not want to back down yet, even with Bumblebee between them and actually having to put his servos on her shoulders to keep her back.

"You're nothing but an emotionless, unfeeling   BEAST! You're unfit to call yourself a Cybertronian!" The seeker curled his lip in a snarl at that, wings rattling and giving the femme the justification she wanted to finally ping the entire base to assist.

Bee could only keep Arcee back for so long, but he'd be nearly helpless to stop an attack from Starscream. The two wheeler scoffed at the display and took a couple of steps back from the amount of force Bumblebee was putting against the femme.

"Look at you, Screamer. You're NOTHING. No wonder you don't care about the pain and suffering you dish out. You've never known what it's like to lose someone. Who would care about a sparkless THING like YOU??" Arcee didn't have time to flinch when the cube of energon was smashed into her face, the liquid splashing out and covering Bumblebee's chest and arms. The room exploded with movement, Optimus and Bulkhead bursting into the storage room and grabbing both of Starscream's arms and pinning them back and under his wings, Ratchet closely following with the stasis cuffs needed restrain his hands and wings.

On the other side of the spat Arcee was thrashing against Bumblebee until Wheeljack jogged in and promptly bear-hugged her from behind, lifting her off her pedes and trying to get her to stop yelling and listen. Smokescreen stood at the door, watching the chaos unfold and unable to tell what was happening before they'd arrived to the shouting pair smothered in wasted energon.

"Let me at him! Let me go!! He deserves to pay for what he did!!" Arcee nearly got an arm loose to transform it but Bee caught it in time, beeping and pinging her desperately to stop.

Starscream was forced to the ground rather quickly, pinned while the bots bound his wrists and wings.

"Told ya it was a matter of time before Starscream tried something," Wheeljack called over. "Better get on disarming him quick, doc, before 'Cee does it for us." The scout finally had enough. He revved his engine so loudly the whole room was filled with the vibrations of it. When it stopped Arcee was still, though venting heavily from her struggling, and Starscream was seething quietly.

::Arcee started it!:: Bumblebee group-commed them, including Starscream so he knew he wasn't going to just let this go by without all sides knowing exactly how this went down.

That certainly changed the perspective of things a little. Wheeljack flattened his mouth into one of thin annoyance since he looked like an aft for accusing Starscream of being the root of this predicament. Bulkhead and Optimus helped him up and kept him steady on his feet.

"Starscream, can you tell us what happened? Why would you resort to violence?" Optimus started, wanting to open a dialog where the seeker could be heard.

"That's all he knows, Optimus! He only knows how to destroy and kill!" Arcee shouted past the Autobot leader. Starscream's heckles raised again, wings clattering in their confines even as Optimus began to admonish Arcee.

"HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED!!" He shouted over the Prime's voice. "Did it HURT, Arcee?! Did you feel his spark GUTTER?!! Did it HURT?! DID HE TAKE PART OF YOUR SPARK WITH HIM?!" Starscream's voice was strong, unwavering and profoundly pained. "I can only hope so! I hope I gave him just one ounce of the pain he put in mevwhen he slaughtered MY TRINE!!"

The two wheeler opened her mouth to argue back initially but couldn't process what she was hearing right away. She was immediately skeptical of his claim. "How? Your what??"

"My bonded!" Starscream stamped his pede in frustration, bending forward and wanting to just collapse but the sturdy Autobots on either side of him holding onto his arms prevented that. "He ripped them away from me! He tore their wings off and made them watch each other while they were TORTURED!!" He tried to lunge forwardn in his hurt and fury, Optimus and Bulkhead changing stances to hold him back more easily.

"He wouldn't do that!" Arcee bit back, though the bite in her voice was ebbing into confusion.

"You don't believe that, do you?" Starscream looked up at her, coolant having flooded down his face in his grief. "You were his partner. You know he delighted in torturing the enemy, don't you?"

"Starscream," Optimus spoke up. "Autobots do not condone unnecessary torture of prisoners. If what you're saying is true, please understand it was never under any order to do so. I am sorry for your loss."

Following Optimus' lead, Bulkhead gave a light pat to the jet's shoulder. "Its messed up that that happened to you... I'm sorry." Bee gave a small whirring noise of sympathy to the seeker, knowing his words wouldn't be enough to help his ache.

The jet was finally settling into his footing and standing properly and very still. A calm came over him as he shoved his hurt and pain deep down. Something finally clicked in Arcee's mind while she watched the jet mask his emotions and lift his helm with pride. The way he brought his snarkiness back into his voice so effortlessly and pretended there were no wet streaks on his cheeks from the tears that were streaming just a moment ago.

This was what she always saw as his facade- his ability to just LIE and feign emotion he couldn't actually feel, the remorseless way he would dupe others into helping him and then stab them in the back without batting an optic, but her perspective had shifted.

His raw emotion, his unhinged E.M. field lashing out just moments before would be a tremendous feat to fake. His shift into calm was not a lack of actual emotion, but it was his defense. How often did he have to do this? To be this convincing? How long had he developed this skill to just HIDE his pain?? How much trauma... His bonded... To lose such an integral part of your spark not once but twice at the same time? Bots wouldn't normally survive that without going insane, which she thought he was up until this point.

He was untrusting, angry, bitter, and always plotting for his own survival, none of that changed. The only new ingredient was the WHY. He wasn't cruel for cruelty's sake. He was just another victim of this ridiculous war, and he was acting out of revenge against Cliffjumper.

In spite of everything he had still joined the Autobots, coming to them scarred and broken almost beyond repair, all at the hands of the Decepticon warlord he never fully obeyed. Everything made so much sense but made it so much harder for Arcee to feel steady.

Her beliefs were upended and in an instant it was as if she didn't know anything anymore.. Who could she be angry with? Who was the real victim here? Who was the monster? She had no focus, she had no real motive if she didn't know?? The clawed servo on her helm startled her from her thoughts and she looked up to see Starscream's calm, vermilion optics gazing down into hers.

"Ground yourself, Arcee. Be proud that you've come so far." What was he saying?? Was he mocking her? A small wave of regret trickled from his field against hers. "Let's clean you up. It's only fair I start taking care of the messes I create." She pulled herself back from his touch and Wheeljack eased his hold on her when he was sure she wasn't going to go on the offensive.

The two wheeler realized she'd been covered in thrown energon and he was offering to make amends. After everything, all these years, he was sorry without actually saying it. She understood him more clearly now, though it would have been easier to just keep hating him senselessly. Jack would be pretty disappointed if she went about like that.

He had already expressed concerns for her before due to her conduct when it came to Starscream and Airachnid. She heaved a sigh and turned on her heel to follow the jet as he began to walk.

"Fine. Let's put this behind us." She sounded stiff and unsure. "No funny business."

Starscream scoffed. "Please, you're hardly my type." The jet brushed his wing against Wheeljack's door as he moved past him, startling the wrecker into turning to give them room to go by and catching the suggestive stare the jet gave. Smokescreen had a front row seat to the show and his jaw dropped in shock, not hiding his entertained he was at all.

Arcee hadn't missed it either and grinned to the explosives expert. "Uh oh, better watch out Wheeljack, I think somebody's got eyes for you," the two wheeler teased in passing.

The rest of the Autobots were left in a mix of relief and amusement, save for Wheeljack's open confusion and concern. "Wait what?? Wait-!!" Bumblebee and Bulkhead broke into laughter, Smokescreen clapping Wheeljack on the back and congratulating him. "Was that serious?! He wasn't being serious!"

Optimus let out a cycle of air he didn't know he was holding, relaxing his shoulders just a little at the progress his team seemed to be making. Ratchet's troubled field got his attention and he looked to the medic.

"Something has you worried?" He inquired down to him. Ratchet tisked and propped his hands on his hips.

"They're going to be unstoppable, you know, now that they're getting buddy-buddy. Who else do you know that can get Wheeljack FLUSTERED like that??" Optimus looked back over to the team laughing at the fretting Wrecker. The smile the Prime made was undetectable behind his mask, but highly evident in his soft and amused tone.

"I don't believe it is entirely bad if Wheeljack is on the receiving end of some teasing once in a while."

The medic gaped up at the Autobot leader. "Optimus!" He scolded but the Prime was already heading out to attend to other duties. The medic scrubbed his hand down his face.

"Out of one mess and into another."

[sir-silly]

TWDG S4 First Playthrough

E1 - Ohh how I’ve missed these characters. S4 isn’t flawless, but I love it so freaking much. The collectables are one of my favorite parts, tbh. I’m such a simp for Louis and that’s never gonna change, ngl. He’s so cute and caring and ugh. I need me one of those. Clem is so damn lucky.

Unsurprisingly, I’m the worst at controlling this season in particular. I’m not used to the mouse sensitivity being so high with the camera when you’re walking around but I can’t change it because then it’ll be different when I’m picking choices and stuff. I freaking suck at all of the kill walker scenes, I seriously died like 5 times clearing them out to help the hunting party. I’m concerned about when I have to help James at his camp lol.

The confrontation with Marlon at the end is so damn good. I just always find it so perfect and well done. Also, Louis helping AJ up when he gets pushed down is so fucking sweet. I love him so much. Appealing to him really hit hard and seeing that “Your relationship with Louis has changed” is just oof. I know what CJ has been talking about all this time now lol.

E2 - All of the cuts when Clem and AJ are talking at the beginning are freaking gorgeous. Like, with them standing in the same exact position with the background flashing are just MMMMM. That was really, really well done.

Fuck Lilly. Fuck her trying to help Clementine stand up. She makes me so damn angry. And Abel twisting AJ’s arm and Clem begging for him to stop just breaks my heart. It makes me wonder how much of these interactions Violet and Louis saw, because they would have known to turn around the second they heart that first gunshot. Like, while they were sneaking up, what all did they hear? I told Vi to shoot Lilly because, once again, fuck her.

I’m still so damn bad at the walker killing scenes. It’s honestly sad how terrible I am at them, like, I don’t know why I struggle so much. I think a part of it is that in previous seasons, it would only be like 2 or 3 walkers, meanwhile in S4, it’s like 5 or 6. It’s also probably the fact that we have to control both the camera and Clem’s movements. I just can’t do both.

James is cute. I love him. He’s a sweet boi. Louis carrying AJ in is cute. I love him. He’s a sweet boi. When they get upstairs and AJ calls for Clem, he just sounds so scared and it hurts me. He’s still just a little kid and I couldn’t imagine my cousins that are his age going through these kinds of things.

The banter between Clem, Ruby and Mitch at the greenhouse is so cute and wholesome. Like, Ruby saying that condensation is a big word for Mitch and him daring Clementine to drink whatever is in the vials with her saying “not in a million years.” It’s just so sweet and so similar to modern jokes between friends, it just makes me so happy.

Also, Mitch is one strong boi. Like, Clem is strong, don’t get me wrong. She fuckin chops down trees and pushes adults off of balconies, but she couldn’t get that damn propane tank to budge, meanwhile Mitch comes over and picks it up with one hand. It reminds me of Peeta in The Hunger Games with how he could throw bags of flour over his shoulders super easily.

Another also, the way Mitch says propane annoys me lol. He puts the emphasis on the O instead of the A, so it’s prOpane instead of propAne. It’s just always bothered me and I had to complain about it lmao. Ruby is cute. I love her. She’s a sweet gorl.

AJ asking to sleep in Clem’s bed, her saying she’s still little, and him saying he slept better with her are just so damn cute. I freaking love their relationship so damn much. They’re just so sweet together and I can’t help but gush over them.

Louis talking about Marlon while shooting arrows is just a great scene to me, no matter how short it is. I don’t understand how people can still hate him so much when he explains how close they were and how guilty he feels, not just about kicking Clem and AJ out, but his role in Marlon’s death.

In the previous seasons, I think players became really desensitized to a character losing someone. 1 was honestly pretty good with Kenny’s loss of Duck and Katjaa with his anger and hyperfixations, 2 was a mess with Luke losing literally everyone he knows and being like “meh”, and 3 was also really bad with how Mari, Gabe and David can all die and three days later, Kate’ll still be like “let’s start a family uwu.” I think because of all this, people were really hard on Louis when he reacted like a normal human being over Marlon, which really sucks.

During the card game, when Louis reassures AJ about not being there for the old world and he and Clem kinda nod at her, is so ffffucking cute. I’ll never get over that. They shared a similar look their first night when he gave AJ the rest of his soup even though he was clearly super hungry. I cherish these looks between them and for once, it almost seems unbalanced with Violet lol. Like, I don’t feel like you get those looks with Violet no matter what you choose like you do with Louis those first two episodes. And Louis teasing Aasim about Ruby is really adorable.

And of course, helping him tune the piano is just UGH. He’s so damn cute and I can’t get over it. The scene has some of my favorite interactions between him and Clem. One, where he’s like “How do you feel about our imminent deaths?” and she doesn’t say anything and he says, “You know I’m here for you.” and it’s so CUTE. Two, he has her blow on the strings, she says “I can’t believe I fell for that.” while laughing and he goes, “It’s good to see you like this.” Like, how damn sweet is this boy? He sees that she puts on just as much of a cold exterior as he does with a humorous one, realizing that they both let their guards down around each other. Three, Clem calling Louis a weirdo and him saying that she likes that so in reality, they’re both weird.

Another thing I’ll never get over is Mitch’s death. It makes me hella salty and just grrrr. LOOK HOW THEY MASSACRED MY BOY!!!!

E3 - Willy crying over Mitch’s body is oof. Louis holding Clem’s hand is oof. I wish there was a third option during Abel’s interrogation where you could tell AJ that you don’t want him to watch rather than saying he doesn’t have to.

Again, unsurprisingly, I sucked at James’ camp with the walkers. I had to kill some of them because I literally couldn’t stay alive, so that made me angry. I also missed some of the collectables at James’ barn which also made me mad. AJ and Clem’s interactions with the salt lick are super cute. Talking to James about walkers is much more of an oof when you actually let Lee turn.

So, here’s my thing about the scene in the barn with the walkers and the chimes. No, I don’t think there’s anything more inside of walkers and I agree completely with the dialogue choice that it sounds like hell if that’s true. So James is saying they’re at peace when you go in and touch the times, but that isn’t accurate. They walk up to the chimes because it’s noise. You can’t hear them growling and moaning because the audio switches to music to try and make it more meaningful. James then proceeds to say that when walkers are alone, they’re innocent and harmless which is so inaccurate it hurts. What about Sandra in Clem’s house almost killing Lee? What about the walker that bit Duck? What about the one that bit Lee? Or the one in the shed while Clem stitched her arm? The one that dragged Luke to the bottom of the lake? It’s bullshit.

Louis’ date with Clem makes me hella salty only because he doesn’t get to give her anything like Vi gives her a pin. That’s also bullshit. He’s fucking cute though with being unable to light the matches and saying, “Have you met you?” and shit. Ngl, the first time he said he saw some magazines in the headmaster’s office, I was like LOUIS NO, but they were just about dating so it’s ok lmao. AJ and Clem with the ball and the “I love you” are so fucking adorable.

The hootenanny is cute. Ruby is cute. Louis saying “a woman after my heart” is cute. Him saying leprechauns are too hard to explain to AJ is cute. It’s all cute. Clem tells Ruby that purple was her dad’s favorite color, but it also was her favorite color in S1. If you stand around her and Katjaa for long enough, she’ll tell her that it’s her favorite. So, it’s apparently changed, and it makes me wonder what it is now.

I don’t believe Willy’s reason for getting sent to Ericson. I think that the real reason he was sent was really upsetting, so he never told anyone why he was actually sent there. So, when he learned about masturbation, he thought it was funny and used that excuse instead to make it funny.

I know that the shit with Louis’ parents really hurt him, but I always laugh so hard over the meme that’s like, “violet: my grandma killed herself in front of me 😔. louis: my parents got me the wrong gucci flipflops 😭😭😭.” It’s really tempting to say the dialogue option “worst party ever” but I never do lol.

The dream sequence with Lee always gets to me. Specifically, when we hear “Hey, sweetpea” and Clem looks up in shock, when she runs to hug him, when he’s like “Just look at you,” and when he leaves saying, “It’s time to go. There’s people that need you.” And goddammit, wHERE IS MY OPTION TO TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM??!?!?!!! I DON’T JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I MISS HIM!!!!!! I WANT IT ALL!!!!

I’m not even going to get into all of my problems with Violet’s scene in the cell because it makes me too salty and mad. There were some issues with Louis’, too, but not nearly as many. Just grrrrr.

I suck at the fighting sequences as well lol. Like, I got Clem punched so many times lmao. Also, where is my option to be like, “Hey AJ give me the gun” so Clem kills Lilly. Because I want her dead and I want James alive, but I don’t want him to be the one pulling that trigger again. Angery. Where are my choices, choice based game?

E4 - AJ’s talking for the previously on TWD gives me chills when he’s like, “But I remember all the rules. And the first one...is never go alone.” So good. If you can give me chills with just audio and screencaps, you did a good job. Y’all, everyone’s gotta be so damn sore after that explosion. Like, they running around a limber and shit but nah, everything’s going to hurt. And Clem’s climbing all over all this metal with fire literally right next to it, that shit would be so damn hot you’d burn your hands.

Fuck Lilly and her trying to make you feel bad as she’s getting away on the raft. Fuck the fact that you can’t shoot her afterwards. I make the choice three damn times to shoot her, and you still don’t let me have my choice. Bullshit. I hope she eats shit and dies.

Louis and Clem hugging on land is so cute. Violet getting blinded is dumb. It’s like they had to even the levels since Louis got his tongue cut out, which is just stupid. If they wanted to have them both hurt, they should have just set that they pulled out her eye or something instead of her getting blinded after the fact. I find it really dumb. I can’t even tell you how many times I died on the damn beach trying to get through the walkers. It shouldn’t be this hard to control your game.

As much as I hate James’ character flip in the cave, I do love that scene and I prefer it over the one without him. AJ really does have a lot of problems and if I didn’t know that not trusting him would kill Louis, I would have picked that. But I love Louis too damn much for that. He’s still so young and none of these are choices that he should have to make. And the fact that he chose to shoot Tenn in the neck adds to that. He doesn’t know to aim for a non-kill shot to stop someone like Clementine does, so his first real friend ended up dead. And his perspective on things after the game is still messed up, which you can tell by the “What Clem taught me” segment at the end.

The reunion with Louis is adorable. Him saying “longest damn minute of my life” is adorable. Him talking about his skylight and the house they’re going to build is adorable. I love all of it. I always have a hard time with the final touch, because I love that he wants a new piano, the nostalgia of a treehouse, and the dialogue “Thanks dad” for the skylight lol. Tenn’s face when Louis tells him he can help with painting is so fucking cute.

Minnie coming up to the bridge is so well done. It’s so ominous (I think the French version is the creepiest) and the look Louis and Clem share is just like “wtf, do you hear that too?” I died a million times during their fight scene as well because I can’t play this game for shit. I don’t know why, but I find Louis jumping the gap really attractive lol. Like, our boi woulda killed it in long jump lmao.

Y’all got an axe. You shoulda broke the damn lock off that gate. Smh.

As always, the whole process of Clem getting bit and her talking with AJ in the barn is heartbreaking. It gets to me every damn time, just like her and Lee’s does. It’s honestly hard for me to decide which one is sadder because while Clementine raised AJ his whole life, Lee became her family so quick and was cut so short. I prefer the choice of killing Clem just because you get more dialogue between her and AJ before he cuts her leg off, but I didn’t have it in me to tell him that, so I told him to leave her.

I have mixed feelings about the placement of the flashback to McCarroll Ranch. Part of me thinks it belongs in a different episode, but another likes it where it is. It just doesn’t seem to fit well where it was placed.

Much like 9 year old Clem being able to drag an unconscious Lee into the jewelry store, it would be impossible for 5 year old AJ to get her thicc ass into that wheelbarrow and push her to the school. I enjoy the headcanon that James arrived not too long after the amputation and helped get her back, but decided to stay in the woods because he didn’t want anyone to see him.

I missed another collectable in the damn shed which I’m salty as hell about. I love the reuse of Take Us Back, as many of us do. I just had to bring it up because it makes me emotional. Clem pushing AJ on the swing is adorable. The dinner scene is adorable. Violet’s voice is adorable. Louis kissing Clem on the cheek is adorable. It’s all adorable.

When Clem asks if she did a good job, I will always and forever pick the “Is she crazy?!” option because everything she did was incredible. She never had to take care of AJ. She wasn’t stuck with him. She could have left him behind so many times, but she never did. And like Javier said, not everyone is like her, not everyone wants to take care of a baby. And she fought like hell for him day after day, no matter what.

And you can see, especially in the cave scene when AJ brings up the fact that she’s still just a kid too, that she still has so much bottled up inside. She grew up so damn fast and became a goddamn powerhouse. Anyone that got in the way of her and AJ was going to end up dead. She never knew what it meant to be a parent before the world ended. She didn’t get to the age where you understand the choices parents make when raising their kids. And yet, she still raised a child all while raising herself in the middle of an apocalypse.

Clementine, you did a better job than anyone else ever could have.

[twiceblackvelvet]

hi

forgive me for the long post, i’m still trying to gather my thoughts on this situation but i’m going to do my best to address the most common issues people bring to me because clearly my intentions are being misconstrued, have become confused for some of you and people attempted to put a lot of words into my mouth last night that i never stated.

i’m also not the best at explaining myself at times but i am going to do my best to offer my own perspective as well as insight into my thinking, so if anyone is confused by anything detailed here, you can simply ask me in a polite manner and i will talk about it with you.

tw // mentions of anxiety, transphobia, self harm, suicide, harassment

i have for a long time discussed my dislike of this community when i first joined it. i thought that the big accounts were all in cliques together, not willing to help anyone and that they just never really cared about much except issues regarding themselves. i’ve also talked about how i personally did not want to be like that as i am unable to just simply “ignore” things i see happening, in fact, i struggle to let go of them as i do tend to hyperfixate on negative situations where i’ve felt like my feelings have been hurt which is very easy for me to feel like has happened even if someone wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. i have felt this for a large part of my life which never really became clear to me until i realised it’s also a part of adhd or more specifically rejection sensitive dysphoria.

i feel my emotions incredibly intensely and whether someone intended to upset me or not, i will in the majority of situations i’m in convince myself that they meant to hurt me and then i’ll put myself down because of that. it’s a lot harder for me through a screen to decipher people’s intentions but i try my best not to let it bother me too much, which isn’t easy whatsoever.

i also have anxiety which makes it hard for me to deal with certain situations where increased hate is thrown around so casually because i will start to panic. it also makes it hard for me to approach others particularly when i’m already in a state of anxiety which is kind of a cruel, twisted joke by the universe when you think about it.

however, i do find issues within this community incredibly important to discuss so that people can see how others have had to deal with such things as transphobia and make people realise we can all do better to protect others or make certain changes to try and stop it from happening. so, i always try my best to do what i think is right. people are free to disagree with my methods if they wish but i don’t believe you can stamp out some of these problems by talking about it behind closed doors as no one will ever know what your thoughts on it are, you have no way of educating others and it can come across as unsupportive instead.

when i first decided to use my voice back in May to talk about what in my opinion was one of the bigger accounts within this community, i figured that i had opened the floor for conversations that needed to be discussed about cis-het people in lgbt+ spaces. instead i was met with anonymous messages telling me to harm myself, i received lesbophobic slurs and even someone attacking me based on the fact i had pronouns in my bio who assumed i was trans. this was an incredibly difficult situation for me and caused me to almost be “afraid” of my own account for months. i only began to feel comfortable again when the issue with that same person arose just a few months ago which resulted in them deactivating.

i’m aware there are people out there who are upset with me and others for what they feel is us “bullying” this person off the platform, but what i see is that lgbt+ people/accounts finally decided to keep our spaces safe and i see that people are far more comfortable now with that person gone, whether you like it or not, that is the truth of the matter. they made people feel invalidated, they encouraged violence against lgbt+ people and felt like everything they did was fine. it was not. it never was.

for some reason afterward, people began coming to me to tell me about other people within this community who perhaps didn’t address something or had been friends with that person. i personally struggle to talk to anyone who was friends with them because i know some of them saw the original issue back in May and could have spoken up to at least try and stop people sending death threats, but they didn’t. however, i don’t think these issues have a time limit for people to speak up nor do i think people should instantly go to hate anyone who doesn’t but rather ask them “hey did you see x problem, what are your thoughts?” and then base what happens next on their answer.

but i want to make something very clear, sending messages to people telling them to harm themselves etc. is never the answer. it only causes more pain and takes away the opportunity to have an educational conversation with that person to perhaps make them see that their views may be problematic.

i’m only one person, you know? do i believe that i have this “power” that anons keep telling me i do? no. i think that this community has for a long time been silent on important matters and thus me and a few other blogs being outspoken on some of the bigger accounts who either once were or still are in the community has shaken a lot of things up for people and some don’t like that. i think when addressing such issues as transphobia and reblogging posts from those who have to go through it everyday who maybe detail things they experience, some people have realised they too hold the same beliefs as those who are being called out and by default they feel called out also.

but please don’t ever compare something as dangerous, life-threatening and harmful as transphobia to me not mentioning another creator in an ask. those two are in no way comparable and dilutes the issue of transphobia massively when it has real-life consequences that i’ve personally talked about a situation close to me but also happens every single day unfortunately and we all can do far more/better to protect people who are trans.

i’ve since brought up situations where other creators have either said or done something that i feel is wrong and again, if they’re willing to share opinions that are transphobic or mocking being n/b-phobic publicly, i also think other creators around them have the right to call them out publicly. i won’t apologise for this because again, it can’t be solved behind closed doors as that furthers the silence people previously relied on in this community to avoid helping or supporting others. i think anyone who does believe these things should be discussed privately after the person made it a public issue should reflect on that a little.

as for me not mentioning a specific creator in an ask. it genuinely was not my intention to hurt them or anyone else by not mentioning them, i genuinely just don’t like to talk about people on others’ blogs but especially not if i don’t know the person and they don’t know me. i understand now how that looks bad on me, but i still stand by my choice as i genuinely do not see why it caused such a huge uproar after i had explained myself multiple times.

i have apologised to that creator personally and unfortunately there are other complications there which have made it hard for me to let this issue go, through no fault of their own but rather i just am very aware of how i have now fixated on this and i have to get myself out of that ultimately. but i want to reiterate here that there is no problem on my side toward them, i genuinely just do not like to talk about others that i don’t know. i never have liked that as i’ve had it happen to me but there’s nothing more i can do about it now. i hope they’re able to see i meant no harm whatsoever as i hope the rest of you can but i understand if not.

i’m very aware that at least one of the anons from last night is someone who has previously attacked me on multiple occasions (same language etc.) and it does scare me a little bit that there is someone essentially just watching my account and waiting for me to do or say anything so they can strike and attack me but again there’s nothing i can do about that other than block them from sending asks (tried it) but if they continue to persist i don’t know what more i can do to protect myself from that.

i’ve opened myself up a lot here and i’m very proud of that because it’s something i struggle with, however, i’m also aware people can now use those things against me. but to see that someone mentioned my own relationship last night hurt me deeply because whilst i don’t mind talking about it, i also don’t wish for anyone to feel like they’re close enough to our relationship that they have the right to bring it up so casually as a way to try and hurt either of us or that any of you are entitled to an opinion on it because none of you truly know either of us or how our relationship works, nor will you ever from me at least. ultimately, no one has that right to mention our relationship but the both of us is my point. so don’t try and pull that with me, you won’t like the outcome.

i want to end this by saying that i’m fine and reassure you all that i’ve been able to let all of this go but the truth is i’m not fine right now. i always try to find a “fix” for any problems people have because i want to help everyone but i struggle to do so when it comes to my own ultimately and i also don’t believe there is a “fix” for this but rather i just have to come to terms with the fact that my values in wanting to stand up for others (which i will continue to do) or not wanting to talk about people who i don’t know have ultimately hurt others so i have to figure out a way to bring this back to a positive state for myself. i’m just unsure how currently but i’ll figure it out.

i apologise again for not mentioning a-nxny in that ask, it was not an intentional thing and i honestly did not think or believe anyone would find offense in it and had i known i wouldn’t have done that, but i do hope people can at least see this from my perspective a little bit and then it’s up to you whether you agree or disagree, again there’s no fix for this.

i am begging all of you who read this who maybe has sent hurtful things either recently or previously to please reconsider as that is never the answer and i do not condone anything of that nature whatsoever. if in future you see me talking about certain issues or if another creator does something problematic, don’t then go and harass them with asks wishing them harm. instead either approach them from an educational point of view or dont approach them at all. i am someone who this has happened with and had to get myself out of suicidal thoughts because of people doing this back in May, so don’t do it to someone else, please.

[thattimdrakeguy]

I am very sorry for what you are going through, think that in adittion to that unpleasant people who attack you, there are also many more who enjoy, respect and follow your content, and want the best for you. I really like your reviews and opinions, and although I do not always agree with you, I respect and validate your opinion as much as anyone's because that is to be respectful with others and have common sense.--

--You should not take into account what people who are unable to respect another human being like them say, that they cannot even separate reality from fiction, all for a simple opinion different from theirs about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER, you cannot even take them seriously. If those people need to insult, despise and make someone feel less for a reason like that, it simply speaks of how miserable they are as humans on and off the internet.--

Please don't take into account what these people say, listen to those who appreciate you and show respect. I hope you feel better and I am sorry for what is happening in your life, but you can always forward with your will and the people around you.(Hugs)

I only read these ones this morning, or afternoon more accurately cause I have a very bad sleep schedule for weeks cause I been playing video games too late into the day, but I’m slowly working on it. I’m just really bad at it.

And all I can really say to accurately give my reaction to it, was that it was something I definitely needed to read first thing in the morning. If it wasn’t for those messages yesterday, and a friend helping me out I may not have even been calmed down enough to go to bed at all. I could’ve easily not gone to sleep literally at all and had been even worse today because of it to the point of having another meltdown of a day.

Like I don’t wanna make myself sound too good, because if I did, I’d feel like I was lying, because my mind feels like a bloody nose filled up with tissue paper, if that even makes a darling lick of comprehension.

I find it so entirely weird, and patronizing, and frustrating how the fandom can be, if not worse. Like I say something unpopular, I do it a lot, probably with literally every freaking character. Even Tim, because I know that quite a few Tim fans don’t like me either.

I don’t read every comic and go “Oh this must just be how it works”, because that’s not how my brain is wired. I’m Autistic, I go in-depth, I do a lot of research, that is how I am wired when I get a hyperfixation, I want to know everything. So I say a lot of unpopular stuff because I don’t just accept things, because I don’t work that way.

But it goes like this when it comes to people just being miserable, they have to make me out to either be a bigot or bias, they either don’t even read what I say, or just don’t acknowledge what I say.

My biggest point they will leave out completely to focus on other things that are either completely irrelevant and just there to make me look bad even though it doesn’t really make sense what it has to do anything once you think about it a lick more, or just make me look straight up like a crappy person.

I got really ranty and rambly after this, and I try not to take up people’s dashboards as much. So I’ll put this here. If it’ll work, cause one time I don’t think it did, and it made me panic once cause I felt really bad. But it just would not show up.

Because trying to make a bad face out of a real life living person isn’t that bad, compared to the horrors of having to acknowledge the arcs and actions that their favorite character been through evidentially.

Sorry to say and everything, but I don’t see how on Earth Tim cheating on Ariana has anything to do with a literal whole other arc of Steph being abusive and doing really horrible things, or all those “teases” that were actually flirts that were making Tim genuinely uncomfortable to the point of sexual harassment, and told her not to do, which she didn’t actually always listen to sometimes, surprisingly to some. I also don’t see why it’s so hard to comprehend that Tim kissing Steph just because he got ahead of himself because he was euphoric he was about to die, yet it was made clear he didn’t do sexually or romantically, isn’t as bad (comparatively because it’s still insanely inappropriate and weird, but I wouldn’t call him a pervert over it) to me as Steph literally pinning Tim down during a gun fight to kiss him against his will, or taking advantage of Tim believing she was dead and giving her CPR to do it again. Like I don’t really see why saying “Just read the comics” has to do with anything, because I don’t have the art skills to just make all those panels up like that. Which by the way, I don’t give a single fuck about what bad thing Steph has done. I don’t like her because a lot of her stories are badly written, and a lot of her fans are straight up assholes. Which they conveniently ignore, because I must be villainized, because they can’t handle me acknowledging something that isn’t their idealized image. But let me also state that there are assholes in literally every fandom, I just have certain ones that decide to be assholes to me. And I don’t remember the part where I said teasing was bullying either. I can’t find that on my list of thoughts in my brain. Almost like they don’t actually know how I think or what I meant. 

And I don’t know why on Earth Tim not trusting Damian to the point of being kind of scummy has much to do with Damian doing horrid things in comics they like as well. They’re their own separate people ya know? I’m not comparing characters, because I’m not actually trying to shit on the characters you should realize. Not every negative thing is formed out of toxicity. Toxic positivity where people act like not just enjoying everything is so bad is actually a thing. And I see it quite often in fandoms, and it comes from a good place, but my goodness, just let people express themselves sometimes. It’s not going to hurt anybody as long as they’re not actually an asshole or you just have a fragile ego.

It seems pretty irrelevant to me. Implying that I hate the characters because of these actions is also pretty dumb to me as well, because that’s not the case nor how it works. They keep acting like me not acknowledging the bad thing Tim does in the same posts is some showing of my bias, but no, I just view it as fucking irrelevant, because I do bring up when Tim does something bad when ever it is relevant. It is that simple. I think the only time I’ve ever even could truly come across as trying to baby and defend Tim was me saying Tim cheating on Ari with Steph was out of character, which I still hold that opinion too, but I don’t simply make shit up, I just notice how rushed it was, and how it goes against how Tim is about morals, Steph, and his literal stance on cheating. Stuff that you would actually judge what’s in or out of character on.

I just give everything the same standard. I’ve never denied Tim wasn’t passive aggressive or conscending to anyone, or has violated privacy, or was immature. If I had it was probably me caught up in the moment, and pretty weird, because I’ve actively talked about it before.

And I’m referencing stuff in the past with these oddly specific examples, that hasn’t bugged me truly in a while, but when I find a new example of stuff, I can’t help but have it come back to mind and make me question how people got to just be shivery little jerks over things like made-up characters.

I’ve acknowledged the fact that my blog was too anti-Steph plenty of times, even as it was happening, because it was mostly through anons and not me. Some of which I defended Steph on. I just had too much anxiety not responding to them, because I’d feel a sense of guilt for ignoring someone. Which I’m over and past.

I’m not going to be held down by stuff I already corrected about myself.

It’s been so heavily implied to me before, that groups just talk mad shit about me, and made up this horrendous little reputation for me among themselves, and it is so disheartening, considering I’m just this baby faced geek that read too many comics, simply explaining stuff that had happened in actual comics without actual bias. I don’t run DC Comics. I’m just a blogger that they really really don’t like, and take it as a personal attack of some kind, at least going off of how they act.

Maybe it’s what I get for expecting people to treat fiction as fiction and not a big freaking deal when I say something or don’t say something, because they’d understand the context I’m trying to explain literal events in comics as they are, and other things that happened in other situations have no relevance to what I’m saying, because I’m not making a bashing piece like they seem to think.

I know I take fiction very seriously, because I just really want good content again. But I don’t make real life people’s lives miserable. Do ya think I talk shit about Bendis all the time? Not really. I’ve genuinely probably sang his praises more than otherwise. I think Tynion’s the closest example of when I could’ve, but that was years ago at this point. I’ve made it so much more clearer it’s about the comics than them, because simply I’ve realized how scummy it is to mock an actual person, who’s probably actually a really cool guy to know. Do I fuck that up sometimes, probably. But I’m definitely not telling him to kill himself.

If they can’t acknowledge what I actually say, and continue to just try to make me look bad. I don’t personally view myself as the bad one. That’d be utterly redundant.

It always boils down to that I just acknowledge stuff they refuse to, and they just play ignorant about, and pretend they just can’t possibly understand why anyone would say it. I didn’t pull the stuff out of my ass, I have the panels. I didn’t skip anything out. At most I just don’t find the excuses they have to be freaking relevant or over power the action at hand or sometimes the literal motivation she/he had going into it.

And it’s 100% okay, but even though this is a space on the internet, and I’m practically a loser shut in. I still live in the real world and when I’m not having a bad anxiety attack or whatever else, I try to be as reasonable as possible.

I just look at it, look at the context and past contexts, look at the motivations, judge it for what I see, and move on. And never consider it a big deal until someone else makes a big deal about it.

I don’t even view every person that does it against me to be a bad person, some of them most definitely are because they go too far with it, but some of them literally have no idea proper context anymore, or they’re just very very insecure.

It’s very difficult to outright go ‘THEY’RE ALL EVIL’, but when there’s so many that are just putrid humans that want me to take my own life, it’s a wee bit overwhelming, and understandably so, yeah?

People sometimes just don’t properly process what they’re doing, because they’re so caught up in their insecurity, or possibly even a mild ego, but there’s others that will do it because they’re so quick to anger and hatred over fucking nothing.

Welcome to reality. It’s a lot like taking a train ride through a diseased rectum sometimes. But other times it’s like taking a trolley though a nice field. It’s a mixed bag, but it’s a ride that never stops but once.

An important thing I do wanna say though, is that I have everyone who supports me in my heart. I may lose my sight of that when I’m going through an episode I’m having a heckuva lot of trouble controlling, but I’d be in a much worse spot without them. Some of them are so dang respectful, and some are just so legitimately sweet and kind that it’s a blessing to have ever had an interaction of any kind or level with them.

I don’t take any of you for granted even if sometimes I seem ignorant of it during a terrible depressive episode.

You often don’t agree with me and can make it very clear, but it’s the respect you give me nonetheless that I take as precious, because it’s some of the best stuff to receive when all else seems so bleak and lifeless. It’s not an honor everyone sadly receives, so I treasure that a lot. And when I’m feeling so down and out, it sometimes can be the one thing that keeps me even near level, and that’s such an honor that even if it’s such a small amount, because obviously it’s a Tumblr blog I’m always aware of that, it just does mean a lot to me, because it genuinely is an honor to me.

I love you guys a lot. I hope that’s always obvious even when I’m making a mess out of myself. You guys are some of my favorite people on this planet.

[trans-l-lawliet]

Trans boy Mello and trans boy L hanging out with each other? Please?

Catch me answering something that has probably been sitting for around a year in my inbox. I’m very, very sorry. I’m still in a very tight lock-down from one of my other hyperfixations… It’s a bit on the short side, but I hope this is any good nonetheless!

L visited the house when the teen was about thirteen. He did so under the fake identity of Professor Douglas Parker, a criminal profiling expert from a random university in the US. What he actually went there to do, however, was to check on the top three students at Wammy’s.

Despite what anyone might think, L involved himself in many cases. He had always been a decent actor and an excellent liar. He wore his hair tied up in a bun, a brown suit that was a bit too big to fit properly, and the hardest part of the outfit, that made his skin crawl if he thought too much about it: black socks and Oxford shoes. 

After the lecture and the round of questions he received from the kids, everyone promptly left the room. Everyone except a blonde student, the Number Two student at Wammy’s, who came up to him once alone, and stayed in front of him for a minute, not making eye contact. Before he could say anything, the teen finally looked at him and spoke up.

“Professor Parker… You’re like me, right?” This caught L off guard, unable to react other than blinking in surprise. The kid was quick to clarify. “You weren’t born a boy.”

“Oh.” For a couple seconds, that was the only answer he was able to offer. He was aware of many things inside the house, but this particular detail was something he, or anyone at Wammy’s, seemed to have noticed. He cleared his throat. “Well, that’s not a very polite thing to ask, I believe.”

“I don’t know if there’s a right way to ask.” Was the defensive reply.

“Touche. I suppose there isn’t.” He conceded. He moved away for a moment, locking the case he was carrying around as part of the disguise, and then went near the door. “Would you join me for a walk? Maybe to the roof, somewhere we can talk.”

The kid seemed dumbfounded by the request, but recovered after a couple seconds, nodding and leading ‘Douglas’ upstairs, sneaking into the roof with surprising lock-picking skills. L helped blocking the door by using a cinder block nearby. Then, he closed the distance to the edge, holding onto the tall fence that he got them to install after…

“Professor?” The teen’s voice brought him back to reality, tearing him away from thoughts about the past. About his mistakes, and regrets. He turned around and looked at the kid, silent for a long time.

“Let’s sit down.” He finally said, letting himself gently drop to the floor, resting his back on the fence and hugging his knees. The teen approached him and sat down by him in the same manner.

For a couple minutes, all they could hear was the rustling of the trees and the joyous laughter of children in the distance. Neither dared to break the silence, and L was grateful for this. He needed to gather his thoughts. Yes, he could talk about this.

“So, to answer your question…” He started, then stopped for a split second. Then sighed. “Yes, you’re right. I am transgender.” L decided it wasn’t worth going around in circles about it. The student was too smart for that.

“How did you know?” The teen asked, the usually energetic voice now barely a whisper.

“Well…” He pondered for a moment. “There’s not a foolproof way to know. Each person is different. For me, I started to be perceived as a man when I was about seventeen, and feeling so good about it made me question why it felt so right.” The teen took the words in, processing them for a good minute.

“I do get that feeling sometimes.” The kid explained, looking away, not meeting L’s eyes. “I even have a name picked. I just really hate when I people think I’m a girl. It makes my skin crawl.” A shiver, almost as if the mere mention of the idea was already triggering a physical reaction. “But I’m not sure being a boy is right.”

“Maybe you’re neither.” At this, the teen turned around, blue iris fixated on him. “Some people don’t feel a connection to either, or fluctuates, or are partially connected to both.” L shrugged, biting his thumb. “But you have time to figure it out.” A thought occurred to him. “I was informed you kids use aliases. You can try different names and pronouns with that.”

The teen seemed to perk up at these words, intensely staring at him, as if trying to detect a lie or a trick. L turned to look at the kid straight in the eye. Hesitantly, he smiled, trying to make it as reassuring as it was possible for him. It didn’t last for too long, but enough for the kid to see such rare happenstance. Not that anyone knew it was rare, but it did feel foreign on his face.

“If you want, I can talk to some colleagues from the department, tell them to request to hold conferences. I’m sure you’d benefit from them, and probably other children too.”

“Would you do that? Really?” The kid got up in a jump, seemingly excited at the prospect of having more information readily available. L got up as well, grabbing the case from the floor.

“Of course. I will also advise to make some books available in the librar-” He got cut off by the teen quickly hugging him, just to let go immediately after, looking away, a pink tint on the cheeks.

“Thank you. That would be great.” L couldn’t help but feel certain kinship with the kid. If someone had done the same for him when he was trying to figure it out, he probably would’ve reacted in a similar way. Minus the hug, though.

They headed for the door and he helped moving the cinder block away again, but before they left the roof, he stopped the teen by the shoulder, turning the student around so they could look at each other.

“One more thing…“ He extended his hand. “What would that new name be?” The teen stared at the offer, then took it with a strong grip, shaking on it with the biggest of grins.

“Call me Mello, Professor!” 

[rubberduckyrye]

Sorry that it took me a while to get to these; I’ve been very low energy and am still low energy so apologies for that!

As for Marie, her real name is Olivia (her stage name is Marie Annette) and yes, it’s a pun, because she is the Ultimate Marionettist. You can ask more about her @aroseandapen since she is L’s muse.

However, Marie’s plot wasn’t created so she could run away from the consequences of her actions--in actuality, they’re much more sinister. You see, the basic idea we have right now is that a certain someone knew about the chapter 3 blackened before they murdered the second victim, but was being blackmailed into silence--because they had a secret they would rather die for than let get loose. However, this lead to Marie’s friend/lover/family/whatever idk we haven’t decided that part yet, get killed as the second victim. After learning about that person’s involvement, Marie gets furious and blames them, but everyone pretty much forgives them once they understand. All but Jaden, who while he does understand their motives, also understands that Marie is still hurt by them and it did cause the death of someone else, and at least had mixed feelings about it and made the mistake of expressing this to Marie.

That was a huge mistake, because Marie then decided that everyone but Jaden should live, and then she was presented with the opportunity to force Jaden into a blackened role. She then makes sure he couldn’t communicate the fact that he was he blackened (as he tried to leave evidence in the form of his glasses at the crime scene, but Marie figured him out quickly and ordered him not to be sneaky about it and not let anyone know) and yeah. Marie basically made Jaden into a blackened not to escape from punishment, but to punish everyone (including herself) and let Jaden go free.

This, of course, backfires, but that’s probably why Marie had Jaden kill that specific classmate. Because at least that person would be dead if her plan failed.

The worst part is that Marie is a pretty good person before this, too, which makes the betrayal so much more impactful.

I can give you a little backstory on Adrian, Jaden, and Irene if you like! I have those written out, so;

Adrian Blanc, the Ultimate Dilettante;

Adrian’s life was pretty mundane and average. They grew up in the middle class, had a normal life with their normal family and normal friends. There was nothing extra ordinary about them, nothing to report. The only thing that caught anyone’s attention, in fact, was how intelligent and sharp Adrian was.

Adrian has the Ultimate Analysis ability, and with their ADHD, tend to hyperfixate on different subjects of all kinds (I.E. Art, music, writing, math, science, mechanics, you name it)  but before they could master any skill, Adrian would always give up, claiming that they had grown too bored of the trade to continue. Adrian became known in their little town as “the renaissance child” or “the jack of all trades,” and would often take on small jobs and favors from neighbors to complete a mundane task. However, they were never talented enough to get a stable job from professionals of the craft, being told that their mediocre skills weren’t enough to qualify for anything.

One day, Adrian’s popularity in their hometown got out to the bigger name cities, and they were asked to star on a talk show and display their many mediocre talents.

Impressed by their wide array of skills, the American Ultimate Initiative contacted Adrian to ask them if they wanted to attend the American Hope’s Peak Academy as “The Ultimate Dilettante.” Hesitantly, Adrian agreed, though is uncomfortable with their title.

Adrian is insecure over their lack of mastering any single talent, and feels as if their “Ultimate Title” can feel like someone was mocking them for it. After all, in the modern professional world, a “Jack of all trades” was pretty useless.

Jaden Holland, the Ultimate Digital Artist;

The Holland family is a black, progressive family that consists of Jaden’s mother (Agatha), Jaden’s elder sister (Jayleen), Jaden’s elder brother (Glenn) and Jaden himself, and a small dog named Juniper. (You can ask L more about Jayleen and Glenn)

Jaden’s father left their family when Jaden was just born, so his mother and his elder sister were the ones who mostly raised Glenn and Jaden. With Agatha working in the police force and their overall family ideals being liberal, Jaden grew up more socially aware and expressive early on. However, when he was a young child, Jaden was attacked by a large mixed breed stray dog, which left grotesque scars on his neck and unable to use his vocal chords. Ever since, he has been wearing high-collared shirts and turtle necks to hide them, embarrassed and ashamed of the scars. He also found that whispering could be painful at times, so he and his family learned sign language.

Aside from that traumatic event, Jaden lived a relatively calm life, and he took interest in digital art soon after the attack. He begged his mother for a pen tablet, and kick started his talent in the digital arts. Jaden has posted over one-thousand pieces of art under the user “Silenced-Arts.” He became quite a popular artist over time, and soon, he was written about in newspapers and online articles as “the boy who can paint a photo,” which was a reference to Jaden’s typical art style being hyper-realistic paintings of surreal scenes that people often would often mistake as photos or edited photos. This caused a bit of controversy until Jaden learned how to use Hypercam and other screen-recording software, and posted various drawing videos that immediately made him an even more popular artist on youtube and all over the web.

Jaden expanded his skills to different forms of digital art, such as 3D modeling and 2D/3D animation. However, he is most comfortable and skilled with painting and drawing.

His skills and talent grew until finally, just before his second year of high school, Jaden was scouted by the American Hopes Peak Academy as the Ultimate Digital Artist for a student film that was all animated but was 100% painted and hyper realistic.

Jaden has a special pair of gloves made by “A friend of a friend” (hint: It Miu) that has special sensors that can translate his signing to American English, and has a speaker that projects a voice resting in his breast pocket. This idea is loosely based off of this amazing keyboard “glove” where each unique hand gesture represents a unique letter. It relies on the same principle, except using ASL gestures and a blue tooth “text to speech” speaker. The speaker sounds as fluid and human as K1-B0’s voice, and the gloves have sensors to change the “tone” of his voice and mimic the emotion he wants to convey. (Jaden has the bonus of being able to manually select an emotion with gestures that are unique but do not mean anything in ASL, such as double tapping your thumb and index finger together... well unless that is a thing in sign language, I’m not sure.)

Jaden’s older brother, Glenn, is a member of D.I.C.E. as a fire dancer.

Irene Foster, the Ultimate Street Fighter;

Irene was a runaway orphan, originally born into a wealthy family. Her parents were always busy with work, so Irene was typically left to her own devices or kept busy with random lessons that varied from piano lessons to fencing. However, her parents were assassinated due to her father’s business company making enemies in the wrong places. The assassin didn’t kill Irene, only because of the guilt that he pretty much just made this girl into an orphan. (He wasn’t very good at being an assassin.)

Irene then ran away from Britain to New York City by stowing away on an airplane, and ran away from foster homes that took her in until she started getting into fights. Eventually, underground criminal rings for street fighting took an interest in her, and this earned her access to an underground street fighting ring. She was a natural fighter (though often feeling like she was fighting for her very life) and quickly earned a living off of her matches.

Eventually, she came across a house just outside of the city that had caught on fire. Among the flames was a little girl named Erin Rider, holding a teddy bear in one hand and a lighter in the other. After a little prying, Irene learned that Erin was a victim of constant abuse from her parents, and she thought she could burn the house down and run away. Erin is unaware that she killed her parents in the house fire and assumes they thought she died and never looked for her. Irene never had the heart to tell Erin that she killed her own parents, and instead, decided to take care of the little girl as her own sister. She decided it would be a secret she took with her to her grave.

With another mouth to feed, however, Irene had to take on more challenges to earn money enough for both her and Erin to eat, and eventually, Irene became known in the underground ring as “The Girl of Iron.” This caught the attention of the American Ultimate Initiative, and Irene earned her title as the “Ultimate Street Fighter.”

Now just for you, I’ll go ahead and type out Leah’s back story to the best of my ability because why not:

Leah Welsh, the Ultimate Hunter/Huntress;

Leah was disowned by her parents at the age of 13, once she finally confessed to them that their son, Orlando, didn’t exist anymore and wanted to be a girl named Leah. The transphobic backlash from her parents came as a genuine, horrifying shock to Leah, and she immediately ran away to her grandfather Orrin’s house to explain what happened. Being a far more open minded man and far more liberal, he disowned his own child and took Leah in as his own, and decided to move from Ireland to the United States to further distance them from the horrible people that were Leah’s parents.

Orrin was a skilled hunter, and not being able to leave a young Leah by herself, he decided to take her with him. Leah took an interest in hunting, and Orrin started teaching her--and much to his surprise, Leah took the lessons extremely well, and within just a few years, was a master hunter that surpassed even his own skills. They even traveled to Australia and Africa for some legal hunting.

However, Orrin was old, and he eventually passed away from old age when Leah was sixteen. Saddened but not discouraged, Leah started hunting game to make a profit as a survival tactic.

Eventually, Leah was called by a secret service of the government and taken into custody to be given an offer. A huge sum of money for using her hunting skills for an assassination--a very corrupt man who dealt with human trafficking, terrorism, and other criminal activities that made him too dangerous. However, every previous assassination attempt lead to failure due to the men and woman being official government figures and there being a rat in the government. They needed someone who could pull off the assassination who was unsuspecting and didn’t have a face int he underground criminal ring. Leah hesitantly accepted the offer.

She was sent to Australia for her target, since he was on a vacation there with his family. It was a very simple job, in actuality, and she used a sniper rifle in the wilderness to kill her target when he was having a picnic break with his family after stalking him for several nights. Unfortunately, Leah may have mentally prepared for his death and telling herself he deserved it for being such a monster, but she didn’t mentally prepare herself for the family’s reaction to his assassination. Leah went home that very same night with the screams still ringing in her ears.

A few months later, Leah learned that the wife of the corrupted man had killed her two children and then herself. As much as Leah tried, she couldn’t get the incident out of her head, and she decided to hunt some deer to distract herself from it, only to shoot a deer and it’s cry immediately triggering her. Immediately after the incident with the deer, Leah realized all at once that she was ending lives, killing creatures with families and futures that she stole away, and in her grief and trauma, Leah became completely vegan and vouched to never hunt again, nor kill any living, breathing creature.

A month later, Leah received an invitation from the American Hope’s Peak to be “The Ultimate Hunter”. With no job or any way to make money, Leah had no choice but to accept, but the title was more like a huge slap in the face than an honor to have.

[sunlitpeony]

entry #16 || experimental

for prompt #16 || “ jitter ”

They regret offering her the mug almost immediately.

Lady Borel has only ever taken tea since she arrived at the manor that very first evening. On special occasions, often those social engagements that take her away from the Borel estate and out into Ishgardian high society, she of course accepts wines and spirits and apéritifs, but home behind her own doors, entertaining her own quiet, intimate company, the tried and true cast-iron kettle sways above the fire to prepare for the familiar sweet and milky tea loved throughout the Holy See. The staff had naturally offered her alternatives over the years and in her polite nature she had consented to sample them all -- she did have quite a difficult time saying no, especially when the cook or his wife had taken the time to craft her something special they hoped she would find to her tastes -- but tea was always what she returned to in her leisure.

So when she hovers nearby to the coffee pot when they brew an especially strong batch and says she would like to try just a little if they would not mind her intrusion, they leap at the chance to introduce her to something new. They exchange amused looks as she sniffs it daintily, as she tentatively takes a sip and a full-force shiver tears through her body -- how bitter! she exclaims with a nervous laugh, but now they are all watching her, and she feels obligated to finish the portion they’ve poured for her... and watch they do, eventually in horror, as she knocks back the entire contents of the mug in one gritted go.

It doesn’t take long for the effects of the caffeine to take hold of their lady, and soon enough she is zipping about the manor with a manic sort of energy that has them giving one another worried glances. Unable to sit still for more than a blink of an eye she scuttles around seeing to the various chores, hyperfixating on the task at hand before flitting off to fold the laundry, now to air the linens, then to sort the china -- where they duly intervene seeing how her hands shake and hearing the cups rattle against their saucers. Oh, I am quite all right, she tells them, I have not felt so invigorated in quite some time! We know, they tell her, cautiously fishing the delicate trinkets from her grasp, we can tell. We just wish to help you, why don’t you take a rest in the parlor with something light to eat and a glass of water? But she’s off again before they hardly get two words out, insisting that she make herself useful while she has the energy to help them with all there is to be done!

It’s with a sigh of relief they find her dozing on the sitting room chaise but an hour later, out like a light and returning the manor to peace once more.

They’ll be sure to warn Aymeric not to allow her such an indulgence again.

[starfaring-princelotor]

Allura.... Allura is fucking racist how did I not even think about this before??? I mean, I get it, they destroyed her planet and her kingdom her father all of that, but she pins the actions of a single man with a group of followers on an entire fucking race. Like, Keith revealed to be galra? Nothing about him has changed except some new info arrived, but that has always been there, just unknown. I honestly cant stand allura....

Rather annoying, is it not? I wonder why she gets easily overlooked for her racist tendencies? Everyone is a little racist in the show, but DW doesn’t sugar coat her acts towards the Galra. Either through Keith, the BOM, and myself included, it is pretty obvious she holds us in something worse than contempt. Canon is simply a mess, but allow me to share with you a way Allura could have changed for the better. Let me see. Who else had the biggest influence on her in regards to the Galra and someone who she looked up to for the majority of her life?

King Alfor.

Before I continue, I should caution those who are hardcore Allura stans, whether fanon or canon, that you may not like what you read if you wish to continue. Especially if you view Allura as perfect and who grew for the better, for this talks more into exposing her flaws and criticizing DW for coding her as racist.

Also, big thank you to @legendofcarl for beta reading this. 

Many times throughout the earlier seasons, she states over and over again how her father sought peace and was a virtuous, intelligent leader. She was mostly riding his coattails and name dropping, though that does not mean she was wrong to be inspired by him or reignite hope in others with his title alone. In fact, it is a good thing to have a mentor.

Allura knows he messed up, as his AI even stated, and she understands that his mistake cost many lives. She put a lot of effort to fix her father’s mistake, an honorable goal and, ultimately, done out of revenge, too. A huge responsibility was placed on her shoulders as a Princess, daughter of King Alfor, the “last” living Altean of the universe.

However, let us take a step back and look at King Alfor from a larger point of view.

Coran explains the history of Voltron. He first starts out with a very important fact:

“In the beginning, the paladins were just five leaders, who despite coming from cultures which were vastly divergent, and in some cases, had been warring for generations managed to look past their differences in an effort to protect their common interests.”

The critical take away from this is that they were not initially allies. Some fought each other. Brutally. Now, the degree of fighting and number of death tolls may vary, but understand that they did have wars. Take note that they all joined together BEFORE Voltron was even created. This is a mutual agreement that turned into friendship, where all agreed to fight off those who wish to bring harm upon their solar system.

I will say this again. This is BEFORE Voltron was created, before Zarkon became poisoned by quintessence, before Honerva became obsessed with the Rift.

Why is this an important fact? The comet, the Rift, and the creation of Voltron is what started the friction between the group. I wholeheartedly believe that Allura first started seeing Galra as the “bad” guys when she first woke up from her slumber. Not before King Alfor used magic to knock her unconscious. There, she still had a young mind in the concerns of war. Much of her virtues were the same from S1-S3. Defeat Zarkon and everything will be a-okay.

However, when she awakes, her one-track sight transitions from hating Zarkon to hating everything and everyone who are under his Empire, who even look like a Galra, because Altea is gone, everyone she grew up with is gone. She had no chance to save them thanks to her father’s final decision. Altea was obliterated from the universe by Zarkon’s will. Perhaps if King Alfor had succeeded in fighting against Emperor Zarkon, she would have had more time to understand the true meaning behind the Galra ruler’s attack because I highly doubt Allura’s father explained every, single important detail to her.

You can see this by the way Shiro insists that Coran and Allura share the historic knowledge of Zarkon, Alfor, and Voltron.

“I know this is painful to talk about, but if we’re going to stop Lotor, it’s time we heard the rest of the story.”

But why didn’t Alfor explain all this to Allura? Why didn’t Alfor’s AI memory say anything? Is it because parents have an uncanny ability to shelter their children from their own past mistakes? Or was Allura so grief-stricken with the fact that Altea was gone, she hyperfixed on the past? Maybe Allura knew this history, but decided to keep it stored away as something irrelevant to the present circumstances? Was she purposely hiding information from the Paladins?

For whatever reason, let us say Allura did not know the entire history.

Yes, Alfor admitted that hiding the lions was a mistake, though if he explained why Zarkon was still alive, why Zarkon wants the lions, why his best friend went mad with power, then she would have a better understanding of how to take him down or, best route, not hold vengeful prejudice views of the Galra as a whole and instead see that the destruction of Altea was both Zarkon AND Alfor’s fault. Not because Alfor didn’t fight back, but because, as he said, it was too late. Zarkon has been given too much power for Alfor to fight against.

I am stating this: Alfor never saw Zarkon as this “evil Galra.” He saw him as a legitimate friend who became sick with quintessence until it led to his demise, despite the signs being glaringly obvious from the beginning. Alfor and Zarkon insisted on continuing the Rift and quintessence research for the greater good. They say this clear as day to each other.

Zarkon: Endlessly powerful ships for the Galra Empire.

Alfor: And an endless source of clean energy for the entire system.

Yes, King Alfor insisted they close the Rift after the initial creature came through, but there is a key point to take from their post conversation. Both of them knew what they were getting into and Alfor, albeit reluctantly, still supported Zarkon’s decision.

Zarkon: Your ships are the most powerful machines ever created. Who knows what else may be discovered if we continue working?

Alfor: You would risk your entire planet, the entire solar system, for what? For more power?

Zarkon: You know it’s more than that.

The discovery of quintessence, other realities, this was a dream come true for Alfor and Honerva. Alfor knew when to stop, but did not know HOW to stop his friends. He was not only fearful of the power of quintessence and the Rift, but also how it affected the minds of his allies. Was Alfor right in turning his back to his sick friends? No, but he did so anyways, and risked destruction on Daibazaal and his allies.

Alfor knew Zarkon was too obsessed, knew Honerva was too sick, and left them.

Then, Zarkon does realize the error of his ways when Honerva fell ill. The good old “I will do anything for the one I love, even lie to my friends” trick. Tragic, but it works, and we all know how that story ended. Both Zarkon and Honerva became overexposed to quintessence, which changed them completely. Apparently, Honerva transitioned into Haggar and lost part of her memories. Zarkon, however, seemed to still retain his past, for he became focused on obtaining Voltron.

For what reason? The show keeps saying it is because he wanted to rule the universe and Voltron was the only one able to stop him. Voltron was the only way he could rule the other realities, as well. Personally, I do not believe either of these options, but that is another story for another time.

One thing I would like to point out is that, while Zarkon was unable to rule Daibazaal, Alfor still sought to save the population by evacuating them to Altea and other planets in their solar system. Alfor still cared enough for Zarkon as a royal friend. He understood that all the grief which happened between Voltron, the comet, the realities, the quintessence, the paladins, it not only affected them, but the people who trusted them to rule as well. Alfor sought to save the Galra by any means possible, even if it meant destroying their home in HOPES to close the Rift, too.

The scary thing to understand from Alfor’s reckless decision to obliterate the planet? He could not have anticipated Zarkon’s recovery and powerful, vengeful strength once hearing Daibazaal had been destroyed. His home, the one he was unable to protect, the people he was unable to help, the wife who became someone else entirely, all resulted from his time being “dead.” I also find it personally disturbing that, whether or not Zarkon knew there were Galra ON Altea and other planets, he still only focused on ending Alfor’s life, despite the oncoming casualties from his own people.

Here is something many overlook. Zarkon does not blame all of Altea as a race for the destruction of Daibazaal. He solely blames King Alfor. His race was not mentioned at all, therefore he lashed out at someone he thought was his friend.

But why is it important to know all this? Ever heard of the famous saying “those who do not learn from history tend to repeat it?”

Who else was unable to rule due to being otherwise incapacitated for a long time? Who else woke to the knowledge that their home was gone? And who else immediately sought out to kill the person that purposely destroyed everything they knew?

That’s right. Allura. She has more of the same history as Zarkon which is why I truly understand she would be a ruthless ruler who would enslave planets like the Empress mentioned in the Altean AU.

Yes, in the canon AU, part of her righteous goal was to free planets from Zarkon’s hold, end the war, but you can not convince me that Alfor’s death, Altea’s death, her culture’s death, did not partake in her decision to take him down. In the very first episode of Voltron, Zarkon states “I shall wipe that foul race from the universe…” and, yes, this is a very racist claim. But you may be asking, why does he say this? Is it because he had years to cultivate the prejudice that Alfor, someone he considered his friend, turned on him? I believe that Zarkon’s degrading mind slowly began hating not just him, but Alteans as well, even if he already reaped his revenge on billions of innocent lives.

The same thought process happens with Allura as Voltron slowly saves worlds. Perhaps initially, when she awakens, she understands that Zarkon is the cause of this war. But over time, while freeing other planets under the hold of Galra bases and fighting Galra face to face, she began associating all of them to be a “blood thirsty, murderous race.” This is a terrible, terrible path to go down and, oh, if only there was SOMEONE she looked up to that could explain that lumping together an entire ethnicity based on prejudice views will only cloud her judgement in every decision she makes.

If only Alfor told Allura that Zarkon was his friend first and foremost. I am a firm believer that the best friendships form from common interest, not common race, and DW showed this clearly with the first paladins of Voltron. It is too bad they did not keep to it throughout the entire show.

Let’s examine Allura’s first encounter with the Galra outside of the Empire: Ulaz. Shiro vouched for Ulaz, claimed over and over again that this “evil” Galra helped him escape from Zarkon’s clutches. Ultimately, I believe that without Ulaz’s help, Voltron would not have been found and the storyline of the entire show would not have progressed. What is the first thing Allura says to Shiro once he mentions that Ulaz is a Galra?

“You know you cannot trust them.”

Allura takes on a very close-minded view of him, despite the fact that he has not done anything to HER directly. She says that the Galra can not be trusted more than twice during this episode and obviously does not hide the fact she intensely hates them at first glance, no matter who helped or aided her friends in the war. More often than not, she openly states her own opinions before thinking twice about her words.

Remember their conversation?

Allura: I will not have some quiznak-ing Galra soldier on the bridge of my ship!

Ulaz: If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead already.

Allura: Are your Galra threats supposed to win my trust?

Ulaz: I’m not trying to win your trust. I’m trying to win a war.

And yet, we clearly see her prejudice misconception already clouding her judgement, making her spit out venom to a man who saved Shiro’s life. Who saved the BLACK PALADIN’S life. Allura is so adamant about protecting the universe and the paladins that she purposely avoided telling them the small bit of history she knows about her father and Zarkon. She claims that “I wanted to protect you from the dark history of the paladins so that you would have a chance to bond with your lions on your own.”

I do not know about you guys, but knowing all the history of war is vitally important so miscommunications do not lead to irreversible decisions. The Princess hiding this information, as well placed as her heart is, means trouble when her misguided views of the Galra once again rear its ugly head. When news that Zarkon’s robobeast is headed to their location in the crystal clusters, who does she immediately accuse?

Ulaz. And again, “I knew he cannot be trusted!”

And once more, when Ulaz “fled.”

“I knew we should never trust a Galra!”

My biggest issue here is that she changed from “I cannot trust the Galra” to “WE cannot trust the Galra.” She is unconsciously imposing her views on the other Paladins. Right after Ulaz sacrificed himself, I half-expected the Princess to apologize to Shiro for doubting him. Yet, it was Keith who apologized to him after recognizing that Ulaz, despite being a Galra, rescued them from destruction.

What does Allura say when Shiro is grieving over Ulaz and the question of how Zarkon tracked them floats in the air?

Keith: Do you really think Zarkon is tracking us?

Allura: We cannot know for sure. Only Ulaz knew our whereabouts.

Shiro: You don’t really think Ulaz gave us up? After he sacrificed himself?

Keith: Yeah! Maybe Zarkon found out about this place on his own. He’s probably been searching for the Blade of Marmora.”

Allura: It’s clear the loss of Ulaz has caused you great concern, but, regardless of how Zarkon located us, we cannot stay here any longer. It isn’t safe.”

This scene rubbed me the wrong way completely. Not only does Allura brush off Ulaz’s sacrifice and Shiro’s grief like a flippant “Oh, he was just another Galra,” she does little to nothing to honor him because of how strongly she clings to her views that “I should never trust the Galra.” She refuses to see that it is not just the universe that are suffering under Zarkon’s rule, but the Galra who are actively fighting AGAINST him as well.

At this stage, she can’t differentiate that there are good and bad Galras, and keeps to holding them in the “never trust” side like it is their responsibility to make her trust them in the first place. It is very disgusting to view an entire race as “I don’t trust you, so good luck changing that!” because of ONE Galra’s actions that directly affected her. Is she right to be angry at Zarkon? Yes. The rest of the Galra? No.

She lacks the empathy for the Galra race as a whole and on the individual scale.

This leads to her first magical self-growth dealing with Keith, which you can read all about at @legendofcarl’s meta here. So, yes, she changed for the better, learned her mistakes and admitted she was wrong. I will be honest, her entire attitude towards Keith during his own personal self-discovery was probably the most off-putting aspects about her character. Friends are supposed to support you in times of difficulties, but here she does not hide nor try to reason at first that her actions towards Keith are very improper and rude.

Which is odd coming from a person who claims diplomacy first, but only to races she does not discriminate against.

I was glad she “saw the light” with Keith, but then, disappointed once more when she reluctantly accepted the Blade of Marmora’s help in fighting Zarkon. She jeopardizes the mission and throws in their face that it is THEIR fault for holding back. Allura does not understand the struggles BoM went through over 10,000 years of war and, perhaps, people may see her me-first command not racist at all.

Kolivan: We need to abort the mission immediately.Allura: Abort? No! We cannot back away now.Kolivan: The Blade of Marmora does not take chances.It’s how we’ve survived for so long. Allura: It’s held you back. Your caution is the reason Zarkon is still in power.Kolivan: We would rather wait than jeopardize everything.

Allura clearly did not think things through at all when arguing with Kolivan, nor did she watch was she was saying. Not only was she disrespectful, but she also decided on her own how to handle plans that the BoM carefully laid out. Speaking over Kolivan like this and undermining his work was completely unnecessary on Allura’s part. Does his race have anything to do with it? I would think, yes, because if Kolivan was any other leader of any other race, she would not have rudely stepped into his leadership role. She is not being diplomatic here, she is being controlling.

Lastly, let us examine the final “battle” Allura faces with racism. Yours truly, Lotor.

It is already established that Allura views Alteans in a more pure light, “can do no harm” despite her father’s ONE fuck-up that cost many lives. Not just Altean lives, but Galra and every other race in the universe. And yet, when she discovers that it was an Altean working with Zarkon, she never once looked back and thought, “Huh, that’s troubling. I should probably look into that since I thought I was the LAST living Altean in the universe.”

Even in “Hole in the Sky,” the alternate universe where Empress Allura stops the Galra Uprising, she does not once think that it was problematic to bestow “justice” on the Galra. The show does a good job of leaving details out in the open and many are wondering if the Galra race in this alternate reality are eradicated from history or enslaved. Though, I am more inclined to believe that Empress Allura enslaved the Galra from the uprising rather than kill them.

Why did I come to this conclusion? The hoktril. Throughout the entire episode, it was clear to the audience that a race’s freewill was forcefully being taken from them. Of course, Princess Allura does not immediately see it that way. She first sees that Alteans are alive and flourishing. She first recognizes them before understanding that these Alteans have enslaved their universe. The storyline basically paints Empress Allura as Emperor Zarkon, or rather, what WOULD have happened if Allura had succeeded in taking down Zarkon.

Even Keith tried to reason with her, yet Allura kept her focus on the fact that Alteans were The Best.

Keith: Maybe you should think about this, Allura. It wasn’t that long ago that we thought all Galra were bad. Maybe things aren’t as black and white as she’s making them out to be.Allura: Keith, these are my people, and they may be the strongest allies we have in this war.

One thing I would like to point out is that both Emperor Zarkon and Empress Allura took their hate out on race as a whole, not just against the ones who did them wrong. Both were deluded with their own views of conquering the universe. Empress Allura through spreading “peace” and Emperor Zarkon through endless war. Both took on this view because of a great loss they were forced to endure.

When it comes to a certain Prince, Allura’s “Alteans first” mentality really rears its hideousness once again. At first meet, she blatantly groups me with the Galra by stating I was the “leader of the most bloodthirsty race of murderers this universe has ever known.” I will always bring this back because, after knowing her own Altean race in the alternate reality were not good by her standards, she still sees that their progress had “the best intentions in mind.” Yet, with myself and the Galra, she does not give us the same benefit of doubt at all.

It takes patricide for Allura to even see me as different. It takes the knowledge that my mother was Altean, therefore making me half-Altean, for Allura to trust me a bit more. It takes me crossing the universe, giving her magical powers that I have been searching and studying for centuries, just to have Allura’s smidgen of approval. And, sad to say, it was not even an approval for my Galra side! It was an approval that I was less of a “bad” Galra and more of a “good” Altean!

Do I really need to point out how wrong it is to think of anyone in such a way?

She fell in love with her own ideals of Alteans and pretty much viewed only that side of myself, despite the fact that I am a mix of two races. Allura clung to my “good” side, regardless of clear evidence showing that not all Alteans are righteous and not all Galra are war-mongers. I doubt she really understood my struggles over the span of 10,000 years and that I am not just the child raised in war. I mean living as a half-Altean, half-Galra child coming to terms about myself and the stereotypes of both ethnicities.

I may have accepted my heritage, but Allura did not. That already points to red flags.

The bigger issue with this is that, when shit hit the fan, Allura listened to an Altean over myself. This entire scene reminded me again of Hira and the Altean AU where she listened to her people first and foremost. Does she not view me as someone who is also part of “her” people? Why? Because I am of mixed races? Because I am not a full Altean like Romelle? Because I do not look Altean? It seems like when “full-blooded” Alteans are presented before Allura, she completely throws out all of her morals for the sake of “her” people.

Yet, in the face of Galra, all that prejudice and stereotypes come rushing back. When Zarkon destroyed her home world, she blames the entire Galra race. When Hira, ONE Altean, said Allura was no Empress, she specifically said “You’re no Altean.” Yet, when Romelle, a stranger, an Altean from her reality, appears and accuses myself, the half-Atlean man she supposedly harbors feelings for, of murder? Again, Allura shows she can not differentiate between race and individuals.

Then she purposely used her hatred for the Galra and for Zarkon to insult me directly. It is no wonder I immediately reacted and compared her to King Alfor, the man who failed to protect his own people. I hurt her where she hurt me the most and, no, I was not thinking about “Allura is Altean, so is King Alfor. This is a perfect jab at her!” If I hold any contempt to Alteans and the Galra, it is not at the same racist level as Allura.

Both of us grew up in different environments, but I am less racist than Allura. Being ostracized from the Galra is not the same as Allura hating the Galra as a whole because of Zarkon’s will. Zarkon did not specifically say “Hey, loyal subjects, once you see Allura, just spit on her. Hate on her as much as you can. Make her life of 10,000 years totally awful.”

Facing such prejudice from the Galra is one reason which, I believe, is why I open up to Allura. Unbeknownst to her, I already met and spoke with Alteans from the colony and somewhat felt accepted by them. Maybe I even saw that there were good Alteans in the universe, aside from the only other Altean I grew up with: my mother who neglected me from birth. Perhaps I thought Allura would be just as kind and understanding like those from the Colony.

Nope. Allura proved to me that there are bad Alteans in the existence, not just Haggerva.

But let us analyze the friendship between Alfor and Zarkon, since DW enjoys comparing them to Allura and I respectively in the show far too often. Both are kings of their planet, respected by their culture, and care deeply for the safety of their people. Both kings used the power of the comet for their own need and, initially, both were careless with the miraculous capabilities of quintessence. Yes, one can argue that Honerva was the one who pushed Zarkon towards the tipping point, but it was Alfor who started it all and Alfor who turned his back on them when his leader needed them the most.  

This is not to say it is completely his fault. The main point to take from this is that King Alfor nor Emperor Zarkon saw each other by their race. They saw each other as allies with the same goal in mind. If only Allura and I could have worked the same way, moreso on Allura’s part since her racist views started the moment she woke up from her 10,000 years of slumber.

From all of this, I can wholeheartedly conclude that I am more like King Alfor and Allura is more like Emperor Zarkon. I do mean that in a literal sense, too. Take it like this: I helped empower her with magic that will aid her in the long run, we both worked closely to learn about quintessence, both sought to defend the universe in some way, yet when plans went awry and I tried to reason with her, she used her power to take control of the situation.

However, whereas Alfor saved Zarkon while he was in the Rift, despite his second betrayal to the team, Allura and the Paladins abandoned me to my fate over one accusation that had no grounds of proof or evidence. I suppose we were never really allies or friends if trust could so easily be broken like this, regardless of what the show made the audience believe. I truly wish DW was more inclined to start off the alliance between the Paladins and I with friendship. Friendship with all of them, not just romance with Allura, because it only enforced terrible tropes when a major plot movement was involved. Even worse that they involved racial discrimination between Allura and I.

TLDR; Allura is racist and has actually degraded as a character thanks to DW’s lack of insight.

[sage-nebula]

How long have you known you have ADD and what clued you in that you have it?

MMM, this is kind of a tough question.

First, as a disclaimer: This is one of two disorders I’m 99% sure I have but haven’t been officially diagnosed with, the other being delayed sleep phase disorder. I’ve been officially diagnosed with C-PTSD, chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in math, but I have not been officially diagnosed with attention deficit disorder or delayed sleep phase disorder (the former of which because I’ve never brought it up with a doctor, and the latter of which because I’ve yet to find a doctor who believes me). That said, though, I was very sure that I had C-PTSD, chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in math before I was ever diagnosed with any of those, so while I’m not officially diagnosed with ADD or DSPD at this point in time, the fact that I hit pretty much every symptom checkbox for both makes me feel just as sure about those two as I do all the rest. (And honestly, I would have a diagnosis for DSPD if only anyone would BELIEVE ME, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, to answer your question . . .

I honestly first started suspecting it back when I was in high school. There were commercials on TV for medication to help with “adult ADD,” and the symptoms described in those commercials (difficulty focusing, difficulty keeping track of time, procrastinating, etc) all sounded like me. Of course I wasn’t an adult at the time, but I also wasn’t a young child, like the typical person you see diagnosed with ADHD. Furthermore, the symptoms sounded very different from what I’d always been led to believe ADHD was (hyperactive, bouncing off the walls, et cetera), so I thought that I might have “adult ADD,” as was described in the commercials. That said, I never brought it up with my parents because they didn’t even believe me when I said was burnt out junior year and that was why I failed math, and instead just decided that I was lazy and unwilling to try, so. I figured there was no point in bringing it up with them.

I kind of forgot about it in the years that followed until, funnily enough, I saw some posts on tumblr where people talked about some less commonly known symptoms that fit me perfectly. I think the one that stood out to me the most (though I can’t find it now) was a post about being unable to sit in a chair properly. I’m going to level with you: I cannot sit in a chair with both feet on the floor for more than two or three minutes to save my life. It is so uncomfortable. Ever since I was a kid I always pulled my feet up onto my chair, and I never sit in one position for too long. Sometimes I sit cross-legged, other times it’s with both feet on the chair and my knees drawn up, sometimes it’s one knee up and the other cross-legged, and so on and so forth. I shift position and squirm around constantly, not because I’m hyper, but because I just can’t sit in one position for too long without feeling massively uncomfortable. There was a post here on tumblr about how that inability to sit still and properly in chairs is a lesser known symptom of ADD in women, and that made me start wondering if perhaps my high school curiosity about whether I could have ADD or not had some merit to it after all. (Of course, no online symptom sites list “can’t sit in chairs properly” as a symptom, but you know. These things happen.)

So I started to do more research online, going to different websites to see what I could find. And what I found is that Inattentive-Type ADD fits me perfectly. As a brief rundown:

Missing details and becoming distracted easily: I can be detail oriented if it’s something I’m very interested in (or something I’m trying very hard to focus on), but otherwise I do have a tendency to blaze through and skim things, taking shortcuts because I assume I already know the thing even if I actually don’t. As for distractions? Oh boy. At my old job in particular I had to have headphones and music on if I was to focus on work orders / e-mails because otherwise the noise around me was so much of a distraction I couldn’t focus on any one thing. But even then, it could not be any music with lyrics, because the lyrics would distract me and send me into daydreams before I realized what was happening! I also tend to get distracted in the sense that I can be doing one task and get distracted by another task, or can have my thoughts jump around a lot as I leap from tangent to tangent . . . that’s less noticeable in writing, but that’s part of why I prefer to communicate in writing. It’s easier to keep my thoughts organized if I have time to sort them out first.

Trouble focusing on the task at hand: Talked about this above, but yeah, unless it’s something super interesting to me, keeping my focus on one thing can feel like an insurmountable task. Like I said before, at my previous job the only way I could knock out a bunch of work orders or support e-mails at once was if I had headphones on. Otherwise? My attention would flit from conversation to conversation while I mindlessly played with my phone or went from tab to tab (without really looking at anything) on my laptop, because my attention just could not hold because it was pulled in too many different directions. It was hell. (My new job is much quieter, which is a big relief.)

Becoming bored quickly: Hahaaaa, oh my god. You might have noticed, but I’m “in” about ten different fandoms at once, usually. And this is because it’s so, so hard to hold my interest on any one thing! Like I do have some life-long interests, such as Pokémon, but even then I also have so many other things that I’m like and that I find to entertain myself with because I cannot handle boredom, and that includes being unable to handle doing the same thing over, and over, and over. Believe it or not, that was the worst part of retail for me. It wasn’t dealing with the coworkers that I hated the most, oh no. It was the sheer monotony of having to do the same goddamn thing over and over again for eight bloody hours in a row. I distinctly remember at my last retail job feeling like my brain was actually, physically rotting, and like it would have been a mercy to scrape it out with a windshield ice scraper than to continue doing that job. At least when customers screamed at me it gave me something new to say and do. When it was just another routine day at the Barnes & Noble? That’s when I wished for sweet, merciful death (and a swift one, unlike the slow one that boredom inflicts). I should also mention that at this point I have gotten up from my seat no less than five times purely because I felt distracted and wanted to walk around a bit.

Daydreaming frequently: I have trouble with long movies because I will get distracted by something inane in the movie, get taken away on a daydream trip, and then come back sometime later only to realize I no longer have any idea what’s going on in the movie. I daydream while I’m driving (though don’t worry, I can still pay attention to the road; when it comes to driving I can multitask this). I daydream in the shower, I daydream at work, I daydream while falling asleep, I’m almost never not goddamn daydreaming. Ffs, I will be having a conversation with someone and as they’re talking to me my attention will snap to something else and I’ll go off on a thought tangent / daydream. I guess that could also fit under “easily distracted” but you get the gist. My whole life has been nothing but daydreams. There are baby pictures of me where I look like I was sedated by my parents, but actually I was probably just daydreaming even then. It’s been my perpetual state as long as I can remember.

Executive dysfunction: I have trouble keeping organized, and I procrastinate everything, even things I want to do. I will want to play a video game, but instead of turning on the game I will sit here and flip mindlessly through different internet tabs because I just cannot bring myself to start the task. And again, I do this with everything! Writing, doing chores, eating, going to bed, waking up---you name it, I procrastinate it, and this is on top of not being able to keep things organized despite how much I vastly prefer it when things are neat and tidy. I had to buy myself a schedule book just so I could try to remember when my bills are due and when my appointments are (and it does help, when I remember to use it). But honestly, I could have a terrible headache, and yet actually getting up to take medicine---or just reaching over to grab the bottle that’s conveniently within reach---feels like a task I just cannot start. It’s absurd, and yet I’ve always been like this. (Ofc if you ask my parents I’m just lazy, but again, this is even with things I want to do, like video games, or getting out of my car when I get home instead of messing with my phone for ten minutes first. It’s like the gears of my brain get stuck and I just cannot get them to move.)

 Hyperfocusing: While I am incredibly easily distracted at times, at the same time when I get into something, I get really into it, and sometimes this kicks my brain into a hyperfocused state (which I didn’t even realize until recently was a hyperfocused state) where I cannot do anything else other than that task, including sleeping, eating, or otherwise taking care of myself. This usually happens with cleaning, but it can also happen with video games, with show binging, or other similar activities. Once I’m in the zone, I’m in the zone and I don’t come out of that zone until my brain has decided it has had enough / the thing is done. (Similarly, I get hyperfixations where I’m SUPER INTO one thing for a while, often churning out tons of content and such for it until it runs its course through my system. This is also when my attention to detail actually returns to me and I can remember minute details of things I love.)

And so on and so forth, you get the idea. I’ve taken a few different online tests as well, such as one I just now took that said a score of 51% or higher means that you should see a mental health professional for a diagnosis, and I scored 75%. Of course, online checklists and self-tests aren’t surefire diagnoses, but at the same time these are often very similar to the worksheets that doctors hand you in their offices. It’s not a diagnosis, but it’s something that indicates that there is something going on that you (or in this case, I) should probably have checked out.

So all in all, researching ADD and reading about the different types and how different symptoms present in different people makes me think I have it. It’s not something I thought about or fully realized until well into my adult years, but hey, at least I’ve got an idea now. (And tbh I think I have sort of a combined type going on due to the chair and fidgeting thing, as well as how fast I talk and how my mouth often has trouble keeping up with my thoughts, but still.) It also explains a lot about my childhood, adolescence, and even adult years, just like the mathematics learning disability did. It’s a missing piece to help me understand why my brain has always been like . . . this. 

At any rate, hope this sates your curiosity, anon. And if you’re looking into this for yourself, I wish you the best of luck!