#i am sorry if this is god awful!

[techtalksfics]

If I had known... (Tech x f!reader)

Summary: The reader finds out that the boys had headed off treasure hunting with Phee. Jealousy, a shame spiral and soft confessions ensue.

Warnings: a little soft, fluffy love, some drinking (I swear not all of my future stories will involve drunken stupidity), some anxiety vibes.

Author's note: sorry that this was delayed, between the illness and the job applications, it's been a busy week! I hope this is not awful!

Word Count: 5.7K (oops)

Now Available: Part Two

After your shift ended, you wandered towards Cid's, bag over your shoulder, expecting to find your favourite clones relaxing between missions. That is where they had told you they would be.

Yet, when you arrived, you found the bar to deserted. Looking very much like it did in the days before the Bad Batch came crashing into your world. Why was the bar empty?

You put your bag behind the bar, out of sight and frowned. You checked your comm device for messages - the screen lit up with no new messages. No messages meant they hadn't been sent off on another mission. You walked towards the back office, hoping Cid could shed some light. Perhaps they had left for a mission in a hurry, you pondered. They normally tell you when they are heading off world. 'There is enough time between the planning and supply runs, to keep you apprised of our whereabouts', as Tech had told you. You thought they certainly would have told you tonight, particularly when you had made plans for dinner with Tech.

"Hey Cid," you sighed as her door opened. She was behind her desk, holoscreen open and was highlighting her worst features. She closed it suddenly as you entered her office. She really needed to remind you lot of manners and how not to get too comfortable in her bar. "Have you seen the guys? I was supposed to see Tech this evening."

Now that Cid thought about it, she really should've seen this coming. They'd all left in such a hurry and you were really not going to like her answer.

"They've headed off world searching for some kind of treasure," she rolled her eyes and stood. "Typical, that they'd scarper just as a new mission came in." As she walked around her desk toward you, she sighed and gave you the piece of information you were missing, "they went off with Phee earlier this afternoon." Your whole body stilled at that.

"With Phee?!" You couldn't help that her name left your throat with almost loth-cat screech. You weren't the type to get jealous, particularly when you knew Tech wasn't even your boyfriend. He was just your friend but there was still something about her unashamed flirting with him on their first encounter that continued to rub you the through way. All these many, many months later.

"Come on, kid," you felt the sharp edge of Cid's clawed fingers wrap around your shoulder, "I get the feeling, you could use a drink around about now."

Three very strong drinks in, you found yourself with your head resting on your knuckles and slightly propped up by the pillar beside you. It was as if all of your muscle had gone into your complaining and the walls presence was the only thing keeping you in your seat. "-and it's not even like he's my boyfriend or anything. He doesn't have to tell me where he's going or who he's going with." You sighed, lifting the almost empty glass to your lips. After take a sip, you continued your tirade, "it's just way she calls him brown eyes." You did your best to imitate her unique accent, which caused Cid to roll her eyes. The way she had the first time she'd heard the nickname. "They all have brown eyes," you continued, trying to ignore the onslaught of looks you were getting from Cid as you talked and talked. "Yes, his eyes are phenotypically normal for a clone but there is something so distinct in the way his eyes express what he is saying and thinking. It's the fact that she sees that too."

"Kid," Cid's voice was stern and your head snapped up to look at her once more, "face it, you've got it bad. So instead of whining at me about it, why don't you actually do something about it. Tell Goggles how you feel."

"I can't tell him how I feel!" You retorted. Cid let out an exasperated, 'oh brother.' "I'm just this little nobody who grew up on Ord Mantell, because her parents didn't want her and he's..."

"A clone?" She finished for you. "That's all he has ever known how to be. Try to remember that, kid, okay?" You shook your head and asked for another drink. She put another in front of you, though she wasn't convinced that she had made the right decision in doing so. She shook her head and walked away, mumbling something about 'there not being enough credits in galaxy for her to deal with this'.

None of what she said stopped you from downing several more drinks and seeking out Bolo and Ketch, who were playing Dejarik in the far corner of the room. Truthfully, if you'd asked them, they would say with absolute certainty that they were trying to not get involved in your chatter. But you just drunk enough to not care about that. You sat, hugging the backwards chair, legs spread across its frame and mumbling on about Phee and Tech as they continued their match. "It's not as they wouldn't make sense together," you continued where your thoughts had been left with Cid, "the mercenary and the pilot. The fact and the fiction. They'd be like a perfectly..." you burped out the bubbles from your drink in the most unladylike manner and continued, "a perfectly balanced knife of intergalactic trouble."

Bolo and Ketch simply looked at each other in utter confusion and then looked up at you, completely perplexed and unable to utter one useful word to you. This was well outside their area of expertise. You sighed. Again.

"Alright," Cid's voice came booming into the room as she re-entered the main bar from her office, "you've had enough." You must have been on your sixth drink by this point. "Come on, up you get," she'd already grabbed your bag from behind the bar and was ushering you towards the door, "go home, sober up," she pointed her finger at you with a stern glare set in her eyes, "and don't come back until you've fixed this 'woe is me' attitude. You're bringing down my clientele."

As you stumbled up the steps, you placed your hand on the hall and sighed. God this was a new low, you whined to yourself.

------------------

Omega was the first to stop you at the end of the alley. As soon as you had seen them, you had frozen in space. They had returned and the boys were clearly en route to Cid's with Phee. Visions of the last night you had been in there came flooding back to your mind. Oh god, you panicked, what if Cid told Tech about what had happened?

You wouldn't exactly put that past her.

You looked at Phee with despair in your eyes, she had her arm around a rather tense looking Sergeant. She was rambling off about something, her other arm was above her head and she exclaimed something you couldn't quite hear. Her voice certainly does travel and it certainly kept you routed in your spot.

Tech was walking just behind them and you weren't convinced he was listening to Phee talk in any shape or form. He was tinkering away on his comm device. You knew, right then, you had been a complete and utter fool. A completely smitten, idiotic fool.

Yet, you couldn't move. You couldn't convince yourself to move towards them, to shout out or make yourself known in any way. You couldn't face them.

Omega called out your name and, in the horror of seeing Tech's neck snap up to look for you, you instantly turned on your heel and ran back around the corner of the building. You could barely breathe, as those brown eyes flittered through your mind. Those beautiful, intelligent brown eyes. They were unique - no matter what he said. They were so wonderfully, uniquely Tech.

"Omega - WAIT!" You heard Hunter's stern yell. She was running after you and here you were, hiding and clutching your chest, unable to breathe. How were you going to explain this one, you groaned to yourself internally.

You heard Omega closing in on your as she called out your name again. She reached the corner and spotted you, almost jolting back as she saw you. Concern instantly washed over her features and she saw you in a thousand pieces in front of her. "Wh-what's wrong?" She questioned almost immediately and you knew you couldn't tell her the truth.

Oh, I just saw Tech and Phee and my heart just completely faltered in a stupid agony. Yeah, no - you definitely couldn't say that.

"Nothing, Omega, I'm okay. Honest," you thought you'd try.

"No, you're not."

"N-no, I'm not." You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself enough to get yourself out of this mess. You realised that the easiest way out of this was to run right through it, with your partner in crime, Omega. "Hey, do you reckon Hunter would let you run off with me for a bit? I could use some air."

"We are outside," she said with a delightfully innocent chuckle, "there's quite a lot of air out here."

"Heh -" was the only sound that left your throat, "doesn't feel like it." Reaching your hand up to your forehead, you wiped the sweat that drenched your brow. You were a mess. An utter, idiotic mess. "Let's go get some better air, Omega."

In that moment, it was clear that Omega knew you needed something, she just wasn't quite sure what that was. She played along - as she always did. You took another deep breath as Omega ran back towards Hunter at the other end of the alley. You assumed she went to explain where she was going and you heard his deep baritone announce 'alright, but don't be long'. You imagined him pointing his finger at her, fatherly fashion activated.

You took another deep breath.

But then you heard it. You heard Tech speak softly to Omega and you tried so hard not to listen. 'Is she okay?' You heard, 'does she require medical assistance?'

Oh Tech, you silly fool, you quipped to yourself. You didn't hear Omega's response but before long, she reappeared at your side, offering you her dainty hand. She asked where you were going. With a smile, you took her hand and said "let's go check out the best view in Ord Mantell."

You headed out towards the docking yard together. The Marauder sat neatly alongside a handful of other ships, currently being refuelled.

Heading over to the wall, you started to climb ladder after ladder until you reached the top landing pad. You sat yourself down, with Omega at your side. There was a gentle breeze settling in around you as the sun began to set over Ord Mantell. The orange and purple haze of the distant sunset bore across your skin as you settled down. Breathe in and breathe out. That's all you had to do.

Neither of you spoke right away, though you could tell that Omega had a lot of questions about what she had just seen in that alleyway. You close your eyes, simply enjoying the breeze.

"Are you gonna -" You smile, and cut her off.

"I'll tell you Omega," you lolled your head to the side and looked down at her. "But you cannot, and I mean cannot, repeat what you hear to the others. Deal?"

"Why would I tell the others? Are you in danger?" She queried.

"Do we have a deal?" You quirked your eyebrow at her, raising your hand towards her, for dramatic effect. As she shook it, you nodded your head decisively at her. "I..." you started and then sighed. You had found yourself sighing a lot in recent days. "I like Tech. A lot. Cid told me you lot had been off with Phee and I acted stupid and jealous about it. Drank a bit too much, talked a bit too much. So when I saw you lot, I guess I was, well, embarrassed... to say the least."

"You...like..." Omega began to process the information, repeating it in almost the exact tone it had been said. Poor child, you had just dumped far too much information on her. "Tech?"

"Yes."

"So... you hid." She queried.

"Yep."

"Even though you knew he'd seen you."

"Yes again."

"Even though that probably drew more attention than doing nothing."

"Yes. That is about the size of it, yes." You chuckled as she looked at you in confusion. "Hey, I said you couldn't tell them. I didn't say any of it would make sense."

There was a wonderfully natural laughter that settled between the two of you and you felt your cheeks heat up from the sheer embarrassment of the whole situation. She asked you why you felt the need to hide. "Because, all of a sudden, I felt my entire body collapse at the mere sight of a man and that terrified me. It all terrified me." You prayed she didn't ask you why.

"But why?"

Damn it, you internally cursed. You should've remembered her inquisitive nature was destined to be a nightmare here. When you didn't speak and instead settled your gaze back on the sunset, she continued, "you've never had a problem around Tech before. You're really the only person he takes an interest in outside of us lot." Kids got a point, you thought. "Besides, we all know that Tech likes you!"

As if hit by a sudden bolt of lightning, Omega was on her feet and was smiling in glee.

This did not bode well for you. Where the hell is she going now?!

"Omega, wait -" You found yourself yelling after her, just as Hunter had done earlier. She really did move too fast. "Omega," you called as you groaned to your feet. She'd already reached the first ladder by the time you stood. "Omega, where are you going? You're going to get me in trouble with Hunter." It was almost a beg, you realised.

It was of no use, regardless, she was already two ladders down by the time you'd gotten a foot onto the first one. By the time you'd make it half way down, she'd probably be in Cid's bar already. Before you could even stop her.

What if she was going to tell Tech. Oh, hell no. This was going to backfire so badly.

You started to climb as fast as you could, calling out her name as you went. She didn't respond. So you continued to climb down, down and down...and quickly.

Hunter's going to kill me, you groaned to yourself as your feet touched the dirt. Your older bones were not designed for chasing children around Ord Mantell.

Luckily, and much to your surprise, she had stopped at the Marauder. She was stood at the entrance, hands on her hips, waiting for you. Her face still shone with glee. Your body was still in a panic so you ran across to her, only stopping when you were within about 4 feet of her. You panted, trying to catch your breath.

Shaking your head, you asked, "okay, so, what are we doing on here?" She grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the bunks. You suddenly felt like you were invading the private mental space of your favourite clones. It was an uncomfortable level of familiarity that you had been granted, without their knowlegde.

"It's your turn to make a deal with me." She bounced on her toes, and she held out her hand. As you shook it, she nodded her head at you, mimicking your action from earlier. With a chuckle, you shook your head at her. "Tech," she began sheepishly, "wouldn't exactly like to know that I do this. I don't even know if he would want you to know."

"If he wouldn't -"

"But you need it and right now, you come first." As your curiosity piqued, you folded your arms across your chest and nodded your head, urging her on. She was going to tell you anyway. "Sometimes, I use his tablet when mine is out of battery and he isn't using it. Look -" Grabbing the device, she lit the screen and showed it to you.

Your heart had certainly stopped. You were so convinced it had.

There, in pixelated form, was the photo you had taken together after you'd stolen his goggles. Donning a silly grin, you still had the goggles on. Your head was against Tech's shoulder and his arm was around your waist. As you remembered this tender moment, you could almost feel his hand on your hip still. After all this time. His eyes were squinting in the photo, but he had a small, proud smile quirked on his lips. Almost prideful as he stood next to you.

You had never even asked to see the photo after it was taken and now, you had just wished you had. You loved it.

Well, you thought, this was certainly a new development.

---------------

When you walked into Cid's with Omega, you tried so hard to keep your head held high after earlier. But between Cid's soft squint, Omega's smirk, Hunter's titled head and Tech's sudden rise to his feet as he saw you, you felt yourself retreating inside yourself once again.

You tried to smile at Tech but the moment your eyes caught his, you immediately heard brown eyes in your head and made a beeline for the nearest bar stool instead. Phee looked between everybody, completely perplexed by the strange silence that had settled.

A drink was placed in front of you almost immediately.

"No repeats of last week's antics, kid, you got it?" Cid pointed her long, taloned finger at you and you held your hands up in defence, mumbling some form of an apology.

"What happened last week?" Hunter enunciated each word with a careful look in your direction. When you didn't look at him, he looked to Cid. Cid looked at Bolo and Ketch. Nobody said a word.

However, from the corner of your mouth, you noticed Bolo about to open his mouth. In a panic, you pulled a small hydrospanner from your pocket and threw it across the room at him, hitting him just below his shoulder. With an uproarious 'OW', Bolo grabbed his arm and looked at you stunned.

"Nothing." You side-eyed Bolo, squinting your not-so subtle point across the room, "nothing happened, isn't that right?"

"No," he repeated quickly, "n-nothing happened last week. Perfectly normal week." He affirmed and turned back around to face Ketch. He stared into his drink and the room fell silent once more.

Omega looked at you, jaw slackened. She hadn't expected you to get quite so, well, violent, in your decision to hide your emotions from Tech.

For the first time since you'd met her, you were actually glad to see Phee. An easy, long distraction is just what we need, you thought.

"So, Phee," you quickly turned to face her with a small smile, "what fool's errand were you running this time?"

And with that, question time about the previous week had expired. Phee launched into her latest bold tale, arms waiving in front of her, exaggerating each foe, each near death encounter and the bravery of her treasure hunter partner, Omega. You couldn't help but smile at that part. It was certainly a long play by play of everything that had happened during the time that they had not been around you.

As you trained all of your focus on Phee and her antics, you didn't notice Tech watching you from the pillar by the bar. His knee was bouncing absentmindedly as he rested his head on his first. He was studying you intently and unashamedly. Something certainly had happened whilst we were away, Tech mused to himself, and it was something that all of the women in the room seemed privy too. With that in mind, he decided that perhaps he would not wish to know. There was always something so terrifying about women in cahoots with one another.

With that, Tech stood, drink in hand and moved across the room to sit with Wrecker and Omega. Phee's voice was certainly less loud in that corner of the room. It was also dark enough that he could simply watch you, quietly studying the soft features of your face.

As things began to wind down for the evening, Omega had given you a gentle, knowing hug and headed out into the night with Hunter. Wrecker was snoring softly in the corner, his Lula under his arm. Guess he's spending the night snoring away in Cid's, you determined as you looked him. You went to grab your bag when the familiar voice came from behind you, causing you to jump slightly.

"May I walk you back to your domicile?" Tech asked, pulling you back to the reality of it all. He pushed his goggles back up his nose and softly cleared his throat. Those were the first words he had said to you all evening. Though you hadn't given him much chance to say anything else.

You opened your mouth, as if to protest but Tech beat you to it, "it is late, and we are both fully aware that this part of Ord Mantell is hardly safe at this time of night." You assumed this may have been Tech's way of saying he was concerned about you safety.

"Sure, thanks Tech," you smiled gratefully as he offered you his hand to jump down off the stool. Chivalrous too. Heat pooled in your stomach as you walked behind him out of the door and back up the steps outside Cid's establishment. You stepped out into the night together and you became overcome with that familiarity that settled between the two of you.

Neither of you said anything until you reached the corner of the street, well out of the ear shot of the others. Not that anybody would have been listening, really.

"I wanted to ask you about earlier this evening." Of course he did. "When you hid behind that wall." His finger lazily pointed towards the wall as you walked past it. He cleared his throat before continuing on, "I was going to discuss it with you earlier but something told me it wasn't the prudent moment to raise the issue."

"No, it wouldn't have been." You affirmed for him, he hadn't asked but you could guess that his statement was more question than statement.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine Tech." You managed to sneak a look at the clone, he was already looking at you and so your eyes danced together in confusion as you walked. You looked away, and sighed, you offered a simple explanation, "I was in a shame spiral. Omega sorta helped with it earlier. That's where we went."

"A shame spiral?" He repeated, clearly processing this phrase for the first time. "I am unfamiliar with that term."

"I would probably be more surprised if you knew it."

"And what would you be spiralling over?" He wondered aloud, slowing down to match your newly reduced speed. You were approaching your home now. Hopefully, you could sneak inside without having to explain too much.

"Phee," you muttered, "I was shame spiralling over my jealousy of Phee." You cleared your throat, suddenly feeling all of the air escaping your lungs. He didn't say another word and for that, you were so very, very glad.

However, the reason Tech was not querying you came down to one simple thing: he couldn't fathom a question nor a statement in his mind that would even begin to cover the insanity of the statement you had just made. There was no what, why, who or how that seemed to end in a plausible, logical solution. He was perplexed. Women, and their emotions, were clearly not his expertise. He had already known that. As you noticed his gaze falling forward with a slight squint, you could almost see the cogs turning in his head and in fear of the question finally falling from his lips, you decided to change the subject just enough to bring him back to Ord Mantell and out of the deep recesses of his mind. You questioned how much of the story Phee had told was true.

"Well, as is usual with Phee, certain details, including her own heroism, were greatly embellished, but I suppose for the most part, the story was correct."

That was oddly concise for Tech. He was still thing about what you had said.

"Well, it sounds like you had a wild week then," you chuckled and scratched at the back of your neck.

You'd reached the main door to the grubby looking block of flats you lived in. You had almost expected Tech to stop here and say goodnight. But he was still so wrapped up in the questions swimming through his mind that he seemed to follow you up three flights of stairs without even thinking about it and, as you finally reached your front door, he asked the question you had dreaded, "I do not understand. Why would you be jealous of Phee?"

As you unlocked your front door, you turned and sighed in his direction. His eyes began searching yours for any kind of logical explanation, but all he could find was fear, weariness and an uncomfortable uncertainty. None of those were things he wished to find in the eyes he considered to be the most beautiful in the galaxy. You leant into the door frame, crossing your arms over your chest and finally decided to simply say it, "because of how she is with you, Tech."

"That is absurd." That statement had sort of slipped off his tongue before he had given it any real thought or appraisal and boy, did he wish he had thought that one through. Before you could say anything further, justify anything further, you simply mumbled a 'yeah, well, goodnight Tech' and tapped the comm panel to close the door.

You rested your head against the door, convincing yourself that Tech would have walked away and your heart dropped. That had not exactly gone how you thought it would or even should have.

But then you could hear the muffled sound of Tech clearing his throat.

"Phee tells inconsistent stories. She talks, constantly, yet does not seem to actually anything of import. It's maddening," you smiled softly at that, "not to mention the fact we were in another life threatening situation as a result of her desire for treasure. She is often greedy, convoluted and she calls me brown eyes despite me reminding her that brown in the phenotypic eye colour of all clones. It is not distinct to me." You turned and rested your back against the door as he spoke. He began to talk through it all, through his thoughts of Phee, through their most recent exploit. You felt like you could be standing there listening to him talk about Phee for a long time. He seemed to letting loose a babble of information that had been hidden within his cool interior for so long.

Truthfully, Tech was terrified in this moment and that was why he was babbling. He wasn't even sure if you were still listening. You'd shut the door, almost onto his face.

Perhaps it was the notion that you weren't listening that was giving him the courage to carry on talking in this moment, "you have nothing to fear of Phee. Not one thing to be jealous of, cyar'ika." The final word dripped from his tongue like honey, so sweet and smooth that you were convinced you must have heard him incorrectly.

You said nothing. How could you? You'd just shut the front door to your home in his face and he was just talking at you. He hadn't said anything you didn't already know. Deep down you knew Tech didn't like Phee. That was why you had spiralled. You were being 100 per cent ridiculous, even now.

"Most importantly, she is not the person I-" You heard him clear his throat again. He was so afraid of what he needed to say to you, to make you understand. "She is not the person I think of in the early hours of the morning when the ship is silent, nor the person I think of in the gentle hue of the evening when I should be fixing the Marauder. You are maddening to me too."

You smiled again, turning back to rest your hand and forehead on the door. He was resting his forehead on the door too, simply to ensure that the softness of his voice carried through to you.

"I am maddened because I cannot shift you from my thoughts. Your smile, your stories and the fact that you always seem to listen to the information I try so hard to share with the others. It is as if you really care about what I have to say and that, that is not something I feel very often. Not even with my own brothers." There was a painful silence for a moment, Tech was listening for any sign that you were still listening to him.

"I will admit I did try to not think of you. But you are all of I want to think of." He ran his index finger down the centre of your door, almost longingly wishing you would open the door for him. "I think of what it would feel like to simply hold you, or kiss you. To be with you in every way my brain can even conceive. Please, cyar'ika, open the door."

And so, you did.

When you looked up at him, it was evident that he hadn't actually expected you to open the door. His right hand was gripping the top of the door frame above him, his weight resting lazily upon it. He smiled and comically lowered the finger he had been using to trace across your door.

He stood slightly and searched your eyes once more, "naturally, I have always credited myself on being of exceptional intelligence, due to my enhanced genetics." He looked deep into your eyes, searching for any sign that he should stop talking. He couldn't find anything but adoration and that began to startle him a little. "I am intelligent about everything, except you. Perhaps I would also extend that to include the female psyche generally in that category," you smirked at him, crossing your arms again, "of all the things that I had thought had harmed you or upset you this evening, I did not expect an interest," he tested the word in front you, to be sure he wasn't wrong, "in me, to be the reason. If I had known you felt that way about Phee, about me, then I would have -"

That was enough. He had said enough now.

Before he could continue talking, you grabbed him by his chest plate and pulled him through the threshold of your home. Guiding him by his armour, you moved Tech towards the grey arm chair closest to you. He was somehow still talking, though the sentences were now uncertain and broken. Your heart was beating so loud that you could no longer even hear what he was saying.

With an 'oof', Tech had collided with the chair, his knees buckling at the contact. His hands found your waist with a sweet uncertainty. He softly grabbed at the fabric of your dress, wishing he was not wearing his gloves. You deliberating lowered your face towards him and he froze. Unable to speak as he studied the beautiful features that were before him. You hair cascaded around your shoulders, gravity pulling it towards him as you straddled his narrow waist. You finally spoke, "I was jealous because was able to say the things to you that I wanted to say, to do the things the things that I wanted to do," you clarified and with one final smirk, you whispered "brown eyes."

You felt the groan build in his stomach as you said it. A blush had crept up his neck and over his cheeks at the statement. You simply sat and looked at him as his lips hung slightly open. The nickname hit him differently as it slipped from your lips, smooth and loving. Tasting of honey and home.

Slowly, but surely, you finally lowered your lips to his.

Almost instinctually, one of his hands raised to the side of your chin, guiding your lips to his. His lips were softer than you'd expected. You'd assumed the rugged clones would be just that - rugged. But, as you often were with Tech, you found yourself pleasantly surprised and you felt the force with which he kissed you.

There was a tenderness to his movement, as if he had waited for this as long as you had. As if he wanted the moment to continue on forever, just as you did.

You even enjoyed the sensation of his cool goggles against your cheekbones, sure to leave a little mark when you pull away. You simply enjoyed the taste of Tech, the way his lips seemed to meld so perfectly with yours.

As you pulled back from him for the first time, you could him smiling so genuinely and sweetly and, in that moment, you knew. You knew he would never look at Phee the way he was looking at you right now. You had stopped the cogs of Tech's overactive mind and in its place, left a lusty, cocky male, who simply wanted nothing more than to kiss you and hold you for the rest of his life.

He led your lips back towards yours by the hand at your chin and he tipped his head towards yours. You felt the arm around your waist tighten as your lips made contact. Without thinking, you found yourself grinding once upon his lap, gasping at the friction. He groaned into the kiss before pulling away.

"If I had but known..." he breathed as his head pulled back from yours, resting on the back of the sofa. His breath was heavy in his chest and he looked up at you with a soft smile.

"If you but known how much I wanted you..." you whispered back, as you rested your head against his shoulder. Your breath soft against his ear.

[ducktracy]

there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love

[lovely-v]

Me before completing the forest temple: okay I get that ocarina of time is fun and nostalgic for people but it’s a bit of a stretch to call it one of the greatest video games of all time

Me after completing the forest temple: By revealing that Link is not a Kokiri, but a Hylian, the game effectively strips him of his humble origins amongst a group of people that already fail to recognize him in his adult form. Thus, kokiri village instantly becomes a location that is no longer Link’s home in any sense, exacerbated by the fact that the game now loads up in the temple of time instead of Link’s bedroom— he is a stranger in the only place that has ever been familiar to him and he is depressingly reduced to his destiny alone. However, the subsequent introduction of the time travel mechanic, which allows the player to travel from the horrific apocalyptic future back to the idyllic past of Link’s childhood, gives new meaning to the idea of this “destiny”. In effect, Link is not a stock “chosen one”, but a protagonist who consciously decides to fight onwards. Link’s dual existence as a child who knows the grim future and as an adult who was powerless to stop disaster gives a sort of desperation to his character, because while it brings the player relief to revisit the Castle Town that is populated by cheerful villagers instead of lurking zombies, the story can only be progressed through the acknowledgement of reality — the decision to make those seven years pass again. Therefore, both the player and Link as a character must be proactive in their heroism and make the conscious choice to struggle onwards despite the darkness that permeates—

[crowkip]

ouguugh,, womnen

[the-kipsabian]

saw a take so fucking rancid on twitter i almost deleted the entire app from my phone jesus fucking christ

first of all ao3 is an archive site. this is like going to the library and saying "oh i dont like this" on every piece of media you find that you dislike and thinking they should be stamped with some sort of a marker just cause you didnt like it

you can always click back and leave. fic writers owe you nothing to explain themselves and their creations. if they have mistagged or miscategorized fics, then i understand, however there are report tools for that instead of yelling at the artist tbh

im not saying free works arent necessarily above criticism. but this is just. fucking wild. its common courtesy to just enjoy stuff (or fucking leave if you dont, the back button is free) and if the artist specifically asks for critiques, then give one - constructive that is, shitting all over someones work is not proper criticism, mind you

i just find it fucking wild people are treating art and archive sites as social media these days like this and everything needs to be policed and ~catered to the algorithm~ like. no. ao3 doesnt have an algorithm. you should be able to fucking tell what you like and what you dont like and steer away from that kind of content and let people fucking be with their art. they dont owe you anything (except trigger warnings i'd argue, but i know some people disagree with that as well for some reason), and imagine how much more energy you'd have if you only engaged with things you liked and spent time looking at instead of going to places where you dont enjoy yourself. let alone spending time telling other people you dont enjoy what they enjoy. what a fucking life

[laurrelise]

guys unfortunately i’m still seriously struggling to understand how people ship five and lila and im spiraling into insanity !!!!1!1!1!!!!!!1!1!!!!

[unluckyprime]

GOD YOU GUYS . WHAT AN EPISODE !!!!!

[basilpaste]

i got an anon ask like forever ago now that said something along the lines of 'hi ive been following you for a while and sometimes youll rb posts that arent overly negative to narcissists and as someone with npd i really appreciate it thank you'. and every time i see any post about npd nowadays i see that ask in my brain and its like.

thats the bar???? thats where the bar is???? the bar is not overly negative? how the fuck did we let the bar get that low!

[aroarachnid]

all the people who r like : "its fine to play hogwarts legacy, just pirate it!! ^-^" "donate to trans charities!"

im sorry but if u want to play antisemitism: the game i don't care whether u pirate it or not i dont fucking trust you

also donating to a trans charity is nice but unfortunately wont undo transphobes taking away our rights

jkr is massively influential and her actions have and continue to directly harm trans people. i, as a trans man in the uk, have personally experienced the effects of this but im not comfortable going into detail here.

excerpts from Wikipedia of jkr directly affecting laws and societal views on trans people:

In October 2022, Rowling voiced opposition to the Scottish Gender Recognition Reform Bill aimed at expanding the rights of transgender people, calling Nicola Sturgeon a "destroyer of women's rights".[125]

May 2022, Rowling criticised an incident where a student was hounded out of her school after questioning a speaker about what defines women.[123] The writer called the treatment of the schoolgirl "utterly shameful", adding, "The girl's crime? Saying 'sex exists'." Education secretary Nadhim Zahawi called the incident "hugely concerning" and "unacceptable".[124]

In June 2020, the Equality Act was blocked in the U.S. Senate. Republican senator James Lankford cited Rowling's essay as part of his reasoning for opposing the bill.[97]

im sure theres more but. im tired.

the antisemitism in this game is absolutely abhorrent. heres a discussion of some of its awful tropes.

harry potter has already been criticised for its antisemitism, so to have this plot is ABSOLUTELY INTENTIONAL. not to mention the game being made by an alt right figure, so you can shut up about "oh but jkr has no creative infulence so its fine!! i wanna support the devs!!"

the hp franchise also has a long history of racism, and support of slavery. the treatment of the very few people of colour is offensivley stereotypical.

if you still want to play this game after knowing all this, i want nothing to do with you. if youre a content creator of any kind, i will unfollow you if you play this game. no exceptions.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

VIORONICA OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE

[heldenherzchen]

thursday, august 10 day 4: last minute confession (@benthan-week-forever)

Benji sat in front of his laptop, tears streaming down his face.

He had just heard Ethan confess his love for him over the coms - and then the line went dead. Dead. Like Ethan, he thought.

The blonde was beside himself with grief.

He tried and tried and tried to get a hold of the other one, but there was no response. Benji was consumed with worry and fear, not knowing what had happened to the man he loved.

As he sat there, lost in his thoughts, memories of Ethan flooded his mind. He remembered the way the brunette looked at him, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. He realized how much he loved Ethan, and how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

Benji sat there for what felt like hours, waiting for any news about his partner..

Finally, the coms line crackled to life, and Ethan's voice came through.

"Benji, are you there?" he said, his voice rough.

Benji was overjoyed to hear his voice, bursting into tears once again.

"Ethan, I thought you were dead," he said, his voice choked with emotion.

"I'm okay, Benji," Ethan replied, "I made it out alive, thanks to you."

[witchinatree]

making a list of my favorite quote/ones that stuck with me from each season 1 episode because i feel like it

(i'm starting this after episode 4 but it will be a WHILE before i post it)

episode 1: "bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk" - alice

i love this one because it's a great introduction to alice i think. also it radiates spiral so i hope we get avatar alice not dead alice (isnt there a podcast called alice isnt dead?)

episode 2: "If I wanted to clear the canvas, I would have used turpentine." - statement

this one was just fucking powerful and caught me so off guard like 😶

episode 3: "What would I do without her?" - statement

the norris statement <3 it feels like martin asking what he would do without jon which makes mag200 a lot sadder and i love them

episode 4: "Perhaps you shall prove a stronger will than I, and will yet find it within yourself to destroy this hungry thing of wood and cat-gut." - statement

augustus sighting #1 and we immediately get jonah magnus expressing that it may be possible for gwen bouchard unknown family member to overcome the eye's hunger spooky violin

episode 5: "Voyeur needs to be seen to be believed." - statement

i feel like this one is pretty reflective of how the seasons gonna go? like if you explain the events of tma (mag200 specifically) no one's gonna believe you, it must be seen to be believed!! and also seen!! like the eye!!!

episode 6: "Not sca- This isn’t some poxy blood test, some little pinprick, this is hundreds, thousands of razor sharp points pushing into your flesh." - needles

i love needles so much and i thought this was really funny because it was like "you dont find me scary!! what the fuck!!!" just kind of toddler michael energy

episode 7: "It’s not like we’re wrestling with tape recorders and manila folders." - celia

STOP IT. celia you can't say that you just cannot!!!!!! you Know™ too much maam i cant with you

episode 8: "Pleasure to meet you both. I’m Gerry!"

RAGHHHHH OH MY GOD GERRY!!!! i love him so much and idk how to handle him being alive in the tmagp universe!! gertrude too but idk we got so much of her in tma and not nearly enough of gerry

episode 9: "And honestly, it’s kind of compelling by this point." - sam

they got him 😔😔 the horrors got sam 😔😔 also i found this to be an interesting contrast to jon's heavy resistance in season 1 like he was being compelled but he wasn't going to let anyone know that vs sam "its kinda compelling to trauma dump on this paperwork :]" how is he somehow even more victim material

episode 10: "Gosh you’re sexy, here’s a twenty for your trouble.” - alice

does this count as a quote if shes also quoting what she thinks sam should say? idk anyway i love her i would say that to her if given the chance and it was very silly. i will not be addressing bonzo i am scared.

episode 11: "...Thank you, Alice" - gwen

dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard. okay also, the way she CRUMBLED at the idea of anyone doing anything nice for her please someone give her a hug and let it be ME. this series is tossing me back and forth between sam & alice (what is their ship name) and dyhard but this put me back to dyhard

episode 12: "You know it's rude to have absolutely no game?" - alice

she's so fucking funny i need her to be okay so badly!!!! i don't think even tim made me laugh as much as she makes me chuckle and this one really got me. it's hard to write such a comedic character in a podcast since you only have the voice but they really nailed it i adore her

episode 13: "Is it my fault?" - gwen

each of these episodes just reveal a little bit more about how loving and soft gwen is and idk i love her so unbelievably much so seeing that she felt guilt about the bonzo stuff just made her so much more real :(

episode 14: "Christ, they’re in the walls…" - statement

theyre in the walls!!! theyre in the goddamn walls!!!!! anyway that got me because i realized the hole before the statement said it. made more sad than scared tbh

episode 15: "Babies are cool!" - alice this entire interaction between her and sam & celia was so awkward, she is so obvious and i love her anyway

episode 16: "It’s not like I was holding doors open for Mr Bonzo or anything." - gwen my wife is so so so stupid but i adore her AND this gives room for character development. i wish she did not do that though. i love when characters are flawed and have depth but i struggled to get past THIS flaw of hers

episode 17: "Thanks, I guess. Not exactly the same, though, is it?" - celia shes talking TO JON IN THE COMPUTER. SHE KNOWS. i lost my damn mind i love her i love her. get the gay people out of the puter please queen

episode 18: "Why would I need to talk to you? Your work is satisfactory. Unless you have a work-related issue I could assist you with?" - lena solidified my opinion that lena is the best boss to ever have, i adore her and i would want to work for her if she wasn't the boss of Creepy Establishment #1

episode 19: "You’re going to throw it in the fishtank, aren’t you?" - alice colin's behavior is like really worrying BUT i'm glad he's back. i was not convinced he was still alive

episode 20: "I suppose it’s too late for remorse, isn’t it? And why should I be sorry? This is what I deserve!" - ink5oul/statement they reminded me of jon a lot, like especially his season 3/4 transformation when he doesn't quite know everything but he knows he isn't who he was in season 1 anymore, i hope we see more of their life and they can be helped :(

episode 21: [Tape Recorder Bites Ink5oul] - audio description i know it's not technically a quote but this is just so fucking funny. why does it have teeth. what does this mean for the lore. holy shit.

episode 22: "Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood" - celia. knawing at the walls of my enclosure i am so not okay. i'm not okay. wtf. wtf. wtf. they're real. wtf.

episode 23: "I had a favorite mug. It said “love you, bitch” and had a picture of a drunk dog on it." - alice. okay i just love this entire interaction because gwen got to open up a little bit and my dyhard heart is so full

episode 24: "I am told that children like me, and I’ve always held the opinion that the world would be a better place if everyone just thought more." - basira. once again this whole interaction was so fun but like idk i loved hearing basira somewhat happy and in a safe place :] my wife <3

episode 25: " I am trying to help, to save us from this goddamned fucking nightmare machine!" - colin. MAN I REALLY WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!!! I WAS SO CONFIDENT YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE!!!! it's over

episode 26: "I was worrying for a moment that you were Magnussing." - alice. MAGNUSSING BEING CANON MADE ME SAY IT EVEN MORE I'VE SAID IT LIKE TWICE ALREADY

episode 27: "You didn’t tell me the room was labelled, “Archivist.”" - celia. oooooh somebody's got TRAUMAAAAA LMAO

episode 28: "So you’re telling me you know nothing about an OIAR external contract being found with the bodies of two tattooed thugs who met rather grisly ends?" - TREVOR HERBERT???? anyway. ink5oul mention!!!!! i hope they stop killing people it's really rude

episode 29: "Alice, er… we’ve got to talk. It’s important." - teddy. i knew it was over for him but i didn't think it was gonna be THIS bad??? bye babe i guess??? 😭

episode 30: how do i even pick. the whole fucking episode. i can't. i am in a state of shock. i need to lay down for 30 years.

[hauntingofhouses]

i know I've mentioned my interpretation of mizu's gender a million times on here but i don't think i ever fully elaborated on it.

so on that note i just wanna ramble about that for a bit. basically, it's my reading of the show that mizu is nonbinary, so let me dig into that.

putting the rest under the cut because it ended up being pretty long lol. also here have a cute mizu pic of her being happy and most at ease with herself, symbolised by her letting her hair down. <3 ok let's proceed.

thus, when i refer to mizu as nonbinary, i am interpreting mizu as a woman, but not ONLY a woman. not strictly a woman. she is also a man. she is also neither of these things, she is something in between, while at the same time she is none of these at all. i've said as much many times, but i just don't want people to think that when i say nonbinary, it inherently means a "third androgynous gender" that essentially turns the gender binary into a gender trinary. not only is that going against what the term nonbinary was crafted for (to go against rigid boxes and categorisation of gender identities), but also, not all nonbinary people fall under that category or definition, and that's definitely not the way i interpret mizu.

okay before i go deeper i'd just like to address some important things. first of all, this post is an analysis of canon, and thus everything i am arguing for is about my own interpretation of the show, and not some baseless projected headcanon i am projecting onto the character. please remember there is a difference between an interpretation (subjective; interpretations will differ from viewer to viewer, but ultimately it is firmly rooted in evidence taken from the source material) VS a headcanon (unrelated and often even contrary to what is presented in canon; opinions wildly differ and they cannot be argued for because there is no canonical evidence to back it up).

ALSO please note that nonbinary is an umbrella term. this means that it applies to a vast range of gender identities. other identities that fall under the nonbinary umbrella include agender, bigender, genderfluid, and so on. however, it's my personal preference to use the term nonbinary as it is, simply because i'm not a fan of microlabels (more power to you if you do like them and find they suit you more though!).

also, before anyone fights me on this, let me clarify further that gender means something different to everyone. it's not your biological sex or physical characteristics. but at the same time, gender is not mere presentation. you can be a trans woman and still present masculine—either because you're closeted and forced to, or because you just want to—and either way, that doesn't take away from your identity as a woman. same goes for trans men. if you're a trans man but you wear skirts and don't bind or don't get top surgery, that doesn't make you any less of a man. because gender non-conformity exists, and does not only apply to cis people! some lesbians are nonbinary and prefer using he/him pronouns while dressing masculinely, but that doesn't mean they're a man, or that they're any less of a lesbian. neither does this mean that they're a cis woman.

the thing about queer identities in general is that, like i said, they mean something different to everyone, because how you identify—regardless of your biological attributes and fashion or pronouns—is an extremely personal experience. so a nonbinary person and a gnc cis woman's experiences might have plenty of overlap, but what distinguishes between the two is up to the individual. there's no set requirements to distinguish you as one or the other, but it's up to you to decide what you identify as, based on what you feel. either way, by simply identifying yourself as anything under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, you are already communicating to the world that you are not what a conservative, cisheteronormative society wants you to be.

which is why i find all this queer infighting on labels to be so ridiculous. because we're all fighting the same fight; the common enemy is a societal structure that divides us into set roles and expectations purely based on our biological parts. that's why biological essentialism in the queer community is a fucking disease. because by arguing that women are inherently weak and fragile and soft and gentle and must be protected from evil ugly men, while men are inherently strong and angry and violent and exploitative of women, these people are advocating for the same fucked up system that marginalises and abuses women as well as effeminate and/or gay men.

anyway. i'm going on a tangent. this was meant to be a blue eye samurai post. so yeah back to that— the point i'm trying to make is that there's no singular way to identify as anything, as everyone's views on gender, especially their own, is specific and personal to the individual.

so with that being said, yes you can definitely interpret mizu as a gnc cis woman and that's a totally valid reading of the text. however, interpreting her as nonbinary or transmasc also doesn't take away from her experiences with misogyny and female oppression, because nonbinary and transmasc folks also experience these things.

me, personally, i view her as nonbinary but not necessarily or not always transmasc because i still believe femininity and womanhood is a very inherent part of who mizu is. for example, from what we've seen, she does not like binding. it does not give her gender euphoria, but is instead very uncomfortable for her both physically and mentally, and represents her suppressing her true self. which is why when she "invites the whole" of herself, she stands completely bare in front of the fire, breasts unbound and hair untied. when she is on the ship heading to a new land in the ending scene, she is no longer hiding her neck and the lack of an adam's apple. we can thus infer that mizu does not have body dysmorphia. she is, in fact, comfortable in her body, and relies on it extremely, because her body is a weapon. instead, what mizu hates about herself is her face—her blue eyes. she hates herself for her hybridised racial identity, hates herself for being a racial Other. hates that she has no home in her homeland. thus it is important to note that these are not queer or feminist themes, but postcolonial ones.*

* and as a tiny aside on this subject, i really do wish more of the fandom discussion would talk about this more. it's just such an essential part to reading her character. like someone who's read homi k bhabha's location of culture and has watched this show, PLEASE talk to me so we can ramble all about how the show is all about home and alienation from community. please. okay anyway—

nevertheless, queer and feminist themes (which are not mutually exclusive by the way!) are still prevalent in her story, though they are not the main issue that she is struggling with. but she does struggle with it to some extent, and we see this especially during her marriage with mikio, where we see her struggle in women's domestic spaces.

on the other hand, though, she finds no trouble or discomfort in being a man or being around other men—even naked ones—and does not seem stifled by living as one, does not seem all that bothered or uncomfortable navigating through men's spaces. contrast this to something like disney's mulan (1998), where we do see mulan struggle in navigating through men's spaces, as she feels uncomfortable being around so many men, always feeling like she doesn't belong and that she's inherently different from them. mizu has no such experiences like this, as her very personality and approach to life is what can be categorised as typically "masculine". she is straightforward and blunt. her first meeting with mikio, she tells him straight to his face that he's old while frowning and raising a brow at him. she approaches problems with her muscles and fists (or swords), rather than with her words or mind. compare this with mulan, who, while well-trained by the end of the movie, still uses her sharp wits rather than brute strength. this is a typically "feminine" approach. it's also the approach akemi relies on throughout the show—through her intelligence and persuasive tongue, she navigates the brothel with ease. mizu, in contrast to someone like mulan and akemi, struggles with womanhood and femininity, and feels detached from it.

thus, in my opinion, mizu is not simply a man, nor is she simply a woman. she is both. man and woman. masculine and feminine. she has to accept both, rather than suppress one or the other. her name means water. fluid.

as a side note, while i do believe mizu is nonbinary, i also primarily use she/her pronouns for her, but this is a personal preference. i find it's easier to use in fanfic (singular they is confusing to write stories with, but again, that's just my feelings on it, and this is coming from someone who uses they/they pronouns). i also lean towards she/her because it's what the creators and all the official promotional copywriting of the show uses. and even though i am a "death to the author" enjoyer, i feel that when interpreting things that are left open-ended, it does help to look at the creators' take on things. also because, in general, being nonbinary simply doesn't necessitate the use of they/them pronouns. nonbinary is not just a third gender. it's about breaking the binary, in any which way, and that's exactly what mizu does, constantly.

also, i'd also like to mention that one of show's head of story even referred to her with the term "nonbinary", rather than simply "androgynous" (see pic below). and it's possible this could be a slip up on his part, in which he believes the terms are interchangeable (they're not btw), but regardless i find it a very interesting word choice, and one that supports my argument.

so anyway yeah that's my incredibly long rambling post.

TL;DR nonbinary mizu rights 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 congrats if you reached the end of this btw. also ily. unless you're a TERF in which case fuck off. ok i'm done.

[justbackgroundnoise]

To the PWHL’s Boston Fleet, if I ever said anything bad about your name I sincerely apologize because at least it’s way better than the new NWSL team’s name…what the hell is BOS Nation FC? Are they suuuure they want to stick with this? There might still be time to reconsider 🤞😅

[bleedingballpoint]

can’t get my head over how the hell adam was supposed to get out of the bathroom. having a key knocked down the drain from the very start just seems soo. so impossible to me. and like if he was sat there long enough he would’ve had to have right ?? i just can’t. wrap my head around it (i need to rewatch but oughh it makes my chest ACHE)

idk but imagining Lawrence knowing that if Adam doesn’t saw his foot off, he’s not getting out. there’s no scenario where he’s going to be able to get help, he knows a man like jigsaw wouldn’t let someone get out if he didn’t feel like they didn’t deserve it / fight for it enough. thinking about Lawrence begging him to do it

thinking about Lawrence snapping and wanting to do it himself

[crustyfloor]

thinking about how Ivan is so strict and tedious with his schedule because he probably likes having that one consistency and bit of control in his life