#i am so unbearably lonely
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God, I really don’t know what to do with myself.
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i wish i had people who needed me as much as i need them..
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#hey real talk#dating apps suck#it is insane to me that i am unable to find anyone that i am#1. attracted to physically#2. seems interesting#and 3. i could actually see myself in a relationship with them#and the annoying part is seeing people that seem fucking perfect??????#but then never seeing them again bc theyre not interested in you#i really do not know what the fuck im supposed to do anymore#i am so unbearably lonely#it is really starting to affect my mentla health#like yeah i do enjoy being single and independant#but even a fwb or something#my coworkers from Spencer's were into me but they just werent my type#and i feel bad bc im nice to them and dont want to say no so i always just allowed their advancements and it mightve just fucked me over#i just want to be fucking happy and not sad#i want to have someone to talk to every day and to love unconditionally again#but it seems like im being fucking punished#like this is all just a cruel joke#like im on multiple apps and just no one i like likes me back#and the people that do like me are just not my type#and i hate saying that bc it makes me sound shallow#but im allowed to have prefernces???#its just insane to me that every seemingly good match i find just falls through#i get ghosted or just ignored and nothing goes anywhere#im tired of this man#im sick of feeling like i wont ever find love again#im sick of all these fucking stupid emotions that make me sad and upset#whatever#this too shall pass
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I've been hit with some Big Sads 3 days out of the last 6. I'm so not okay with this.
It's not even seasonal depression cause the season hasn't changed yet, get your shit together
#I want to feel loved so badly it's eating me alive#I feel unbearably lonely. I am absolutely starved for affection and softness#he had me hold his hand briefly to steady myself on the skateboard a couple days ago and I can still feel the sensation#I'm so fucking touch starved that's not normal#you shouldn't want to cry because your friend held your hand for a practical reason for all of 3 seconds#I need a hug#simi speaks#sad boy stuff#:((((((
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on one hand completely ignoring your emotions is soo good for my mental stability and productivity but man i miss staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on loop
#idk if depression is the right word but yeah that author was right you become comfortable in your sadness you start loving it because#it becomes such a defining part of you#if i don't engage in any bad habits throughout the day i start to feel so uncomfortable and wrong and unfamiliar#that i crash and do something old me would've done again :(#the bounce back time has significantly improved tho so that's a relief#also lol who am i kidding pms will come soon im sure#but anyway#i physically can't listen to waiting room rn i listened to the opening notes and it was like#like a dam about to burst#so i just closed the gate very fast#i can't be sad rn because then i will feel lonely and then i will miss people and they won't miss me and ill cry the gasping for breath#i don't know what to do with this emptiness in the middle of my chest crying#man i hope this doesn't have any long term consequences#also i hope one day being good feels like me again and rotting in bed becomes unbearable again#i used to be so active like not physically but idk just like engaged with life more#curiously excitedly#well there's no going back now but i do hope i find a good balance#i was reading normal people and kinda rerealised that woah this sadness will always be a huge part of me. you only get#one childhood and. welp it got too real too relatable#i hope i don't turn out like her every self help book ive read says kids follow in their parents footsteps but god i hope not#this is why boys will always be so scary to me#future seems so bleak sometimes like not my 20s they'll be fire im sure but after that. am i even capable of being loved long term?#if the person who knew me the most well can move on from me in a flash. well then. i don't have anything more to give this is all#what has this post even become oh god. whatever. ill keep trying to be smarter first interesting second hopefully lovable will follow
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starting 2 finish up research and move into trying to create some sort of plan and. this r is sooo. oh my. he is the loneliest girl in the world but like actually this time. he is so very. he needs a hug so terribly much he is such a sock in need of darning he needs a little kiss he needs. even just one single friend
#r in an au is often sooo crazy because it’s like imagine the guy that this friendless + melancholy boy would become if#instead of making friends 4 life at age eleven he simply continued to be friendless + melancholy for his entire adolescence#he needs. he soo desperately needs someone who is not his mother to grab him by the shoulders and go hello i like you i like spending time#with you i think the things you have to say are interesting and i would consider you my friend. or he might die.........#still need to give this thing a . fucking title huh. i have one in the works but i dont like it all that much. usually the title is the#first thing i come up with this is. crazy 4 me what even is this thing if it doesnt have a pretentious nonsense little titular phrase#anyway r he is so. he loves his home so fiercely he doesnt feel like its his he never wants to leave he thinks if he doesnt get out#he might die his home is everything 2 him he wants to turn his home into something that does not make him so unbearably sad and#lonely and like a stranger or he will not be able to stay here he. wants his dad to like him as well as loving him he wants the things he#loves to love him back he wants. a friend. well dont worry i am going to give him a pretty boy to. hold hands with justhold on babygirl...#pride au
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[I have an urge to delete this account…not out of spite or hatred, but simply because I cannot tolerate being perceived by so many at the same time. It’s not exactly a big fuss - after all, this isn’t my first time disappearing completely from the radius of a fandom, with all of my posts inaccessible to a major extent. But since my things are reblogged so often, people can undoubtedly still see it. It’s so hard to explain my apprehension for it. A room full of strangers, occasionally looking in at your works, not even saying anything. Strangers. I’m fearful of strangers, not the acquaintances I met on this blog. It must sound so absurd and even cruel to say such things, even to myself. I appreciate everyone being so patient with me when I don’t deserve such positive treatment.]
[I do have two solid reasons to not delete this account just yet: I need to fulfill that initial quota of drawing a lot of Sayaka until the end of the year 2023. That was the only reason tttpoi even exists on Tumblr again; it was my New Year resolution! My gallery must be complete. Second reason is because all my Greener Grass Awaits stuff would be gone, and I really don’t want that.]
#ttpoilog#it was a good choice to not participate talking with#others in the community much#I am lonely but having some familiar people speak to me#from time to time was nice#if this account does get deleted#I wonder when I will pop up again#wherever the breeze takes me#because I don’t heed anyone’s whims or requests#I’ve been so upset with my thoughts lately#intrusive thoughts yesterday were unbearable#I’m not well you see#so who knows
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me tonight remembering how deeply and painfully lonely i am irl lol
#it’s pathetic how lonely and touch starved i am#been trying to shut up about it bc i’m sure it’s annoying every time i complain about it#but it hurts so bad when i suddenly remember that other ppl have friends and partners irl they can physically touch#physically spend time with and do things together in the real world#it’s not gonna happen for me is it#i don’t know what to try any more#i wanna give up but i don’t want to be alone forever it’s unbearable#but im becoming too weird and burdensome to ever be someone ppl want to be friend with#what would they even get out of it#whatever i need to accept it already and move on and get used to being alone forever
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lol it’s not getting better it’s getting worse! I am lonely and in pain! teehee!
#it’s seems like the only ppl who would miss me when I’m gone are three or four ppl on the internet that I’ve never met irl!#cause nobody irl seems to think I’m worth having around! heehee!#I am so fucking lonely it hurts!! and internet chat is hard bc I’m so empty inside I don’t know what to say!#you can’t just chill in silence on the internet unless you’re in a video/voice call and I don’t wanna do that!#my own family can’t stand me lol! I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to be treated like this!#if it isn’t loathing it’s outright apathy to me. even ppl I considered close are dropping me. I don’t know what I did and nobody will help!#I cried until my nose bled and I got a migraine yesterday#left a cartoon sized puddle w my tears lmao. was wailing amd hyperventilating and nobody even looked at me.#I wasn’t alone in the house and the walls aren’t that thick I know they heard me. they just didn’t feel like confronting it#I’m more close to killing myself than I have ever been and that’s fucking saying something considering how many times I’ve actually attempte#I really just want this to end. I wish it did t have to be like this bc I don’t necessarily want to die#I want to be there for my cat and I want to experience the world#but the agony in my chest is unbearable.
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i just had the weirdest breakdown
#- girl who's still going through it#how can megan scratching me so bad to the point where she makes me bleed from different places in both of my hands and arms#end up making me cry about how unbearably lonely and unlovable i am#who knows#i'm just really stressed#and really sad#so excuse me if i don't reply to any messages for a while#txt
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#another tag vent session#ivebeen lonely my entire life but sometimes it feels like its swallowed me whole and rn is one of those moment sahah#no ones ever stuck with me for longer than 2 years the only person that did was a friend of 5 years and then one day they told me they#wanted a 'break' from me and said theyd talk again soon and i never heard from fhem again 😁#ican try and forget abt it but god it creeps up on me all ghe time how tf am i supposed to have any semblance of self love when its been#proven to me over and over again how truly impossible it is for. ppl to even tolerate me for extended periods of time#idk what im doing that makes me so unbearable i feel like throwing up#ive always beenand will always remain nothing to ppl and idk how much longer i can keep up the fromt that im content with that#i dont even see the point in trying anymore yknow like theres something fundamentally wrong with me im just doing everyone a favour if i#stay afraid of everything and everyone now#im so cooland awesome everyone love s me 😁
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when i'm having an insane time but i'm sober so i'm just like alone at my house on a friday night drinking a little seltzer & sitting here with my computer with the following tabs open: sex & the city (paused) on hbo max; criterion channel 1937 film fifth avenue girl (paused); google search "fred astaire"; tumblr dot com; google search "prayer hands emoji"; wikipedia entry the misfits 1961 film
#sigh. it just DOES get tiring to be living in a new city & not have so many friends. i had to cancel plans yesterday due to a MIGRAINE#and i have plans on Sunday & i am doing my best out here but a bitch gets LONELY. (gf is out w/ a friend rn plus anyway it's one thing to b#dating someone it's another to have an actual consistent friend group that you can see every day like sorry i NEED THAT IN MY LIFE grrrrrrr#sorry also it's unbearable to complain about being sober but i have to do it SOMETIMES & i'd rather do it on tumblr dot com than to another#human being i actually know irl
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#I am so fucking lonely#like it’s honestly getting to be unbearable#and I don’t know what to do#fuck#personal
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:^]
#im starting to get unbearably jealous that one of my best friends is hanging out with other ppl#and its embarassing#idk if im jealous bc i wanna be hanging w him or bc ive hung out w his other friends a few times and i think theyre cool so i wanna hang too#its probably definitely both#and also bc i am incredibly lonely and have nonody else to hang w and am obsessed w the fact that i am friendless#and have been geberally friendless for years other than these 2 ppl#and one of them lives in another city and constantly drops off the face of the earth and the other one is this shordy#but i think the very root of this is the fact that its really picking at the I Want To Be Invited Too scab thats been festering since hs#so this is generally a very unpleasant feeling#hes posting on his story like every day hanging w ppl or just like being Out and im like hmm i should kms maybe 🫡#im very good at immediately stopping those thoughts but im sick and stressed atm so it hits harder eughh#n i just had a convo w him about it like how im lonely n how id like to hang more + its def not his fault at all + my schedules crazy atm#so i know i need to chillax but god. am i lonely.#i wish ppl wanted me around :^)#gommywords
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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What hurts the most about bad days is that I literally don’t have anyone I could go crying to when they happen
#like. I don’t go crying to anyone when shit is actually serious. there’s no one irl I trust enough for that#no one who I’m that close to#what am I supposed to say when the reason is this stupid?#‘my escapism fantasy abt being part of a hot rich milf’s harem rubbed me the wrong way so now I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone’#???#never mind that I’m not out as aroace to anyone. not like they’d ever get it#well.. at least now I know why I latched onto my interpretation of malina so quickly. I’m also unbearably lonely#but unlike her there’s no way for me to rectify that#and there I go again. making myself feel worse#maybe I should just turn in for the night
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