#but even a fwb or something
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#hey real talk#dating apps suck#it is insane to me that i am unable to find anyone that i am#1. attracted to physically#2. seems interesting#and 3. i could actually see myself in a relationship with them#and the annoying part is seeing people that seem fucking perfect??????#but then never seeing them again bc theyre not interested in you#i really do not know what the fuck im supposed to do anymore#i am so unbearably lonely#it is really starting to affect my mentla health#like yeah i do enjoy being single and independant#but even a fwb or something#my coworkers from Spencer's were into me but they just werent my type#and i feel bad bc im nice to them and dont want to say no so i always just allowed their advancements and it mightve just fucked me over#i just want to be fucking happy and not sad#i want to have someone to talk to every day and to love unconditionally again#but it seems like im being fucking punished#like this is all just a cruel joke#like im on multiple apps and just no one i like likes me back#and the people that do like me are just not my type#and i hate saying that bc it makes me sound shallow#but im allowed to have prefernces???#its just insane to me that every seemingly good match i find just falls through#i get ghosted or just ignored and nothing goes anywhere#im tired of this man#im sick of feeling like i wont ever find love again#im sick of all these fucking stupid emotions that make me sad and upset#whatever#this too shall pass
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day thirty something thinking about the fact that apparently lou negotiated to take the first kissing scene from full on make out to something gentle since it's more in character for how he plays tommy
because lou finds tommy gentle and considerate because tommy never got to have that applied to himself
because lou wants tommy to adore buck how buck deserves to be adored and not have lust steer the direction bucktommy are going together
because even lou knows tommy was seeking for permanence and while he was super into buck he was never going to push buck into anything he wasn't ready for
because tommy is the reliable and steady one, the one who knows you can't built anything long lasting on a whim or uncertainty or dishonesty
and when buck is honest about not knowing what he wants but wanting whatever it is with tommy, tommy says yes
because buck is gentle with him back, buck is considerate and seeking for permanence, too
just, you know, thinking about them
#bucktommy#tommy kinard#evan buckley#911 abc#and when I say lust isn't the steering element in their relationship I still mean it even with the daddy kink scene#I truly hope for them that lust is in fact a big factor in their relationship but it's not what drives them#this isn't a prolonged one night stand or fuck buddies or fwb situationship#it was implied from the start that it would be something heavier never mind it being buck's first relationship with a man#it's one of those when you know you know things and they know#even bobby knows
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*rattles the bars of my cage* WHERE are the good samwena fics???
#supernatural#sam winchester#rowena macleod#ok ik my standards are so different from other peoples but likeeee#I don’t want to read them as a side pairing#I don’t want to read sabrisamwena or whatever the hell it’s called#I want something exploring their canon dynamic that isn’t just smut#the smut is appreciated don’t get me wrong#but whereeee is my fluffy angsty romance :(#or even just fluffy angsty platonic stuff#or fluffy angsty fwb plzzzz
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t90s canon ships + my favorite kisses
#that 90s show#that '90s show#otp: i missed you. leia you have no idea.#otp: it's gonna suck even more if we don't try.#ship: one more for the road? waitin' on you cowboy.#jeia#runckson#cowen#niknate#het ships#jay x leia#cole x gwen#nikki x nate#my gifs#my stuff#the niknate one is absolutely my fave#the way they just pounce onto one another and just sloppily kiss each other#their fwb arc is just something else
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Idk if im aroallo but i agree with their beliefs
#sexuality is a fucking enigma. im probably acespec? i do think men are hot and i do fuck them but idk if im actually sexually attracted to#them i just think its fun#casual sex and fwbs are great. having sex is just something some friends do sometimes. the wider aspec community is really weird abt sex w/o#romance. hell society as a whole is but idk its so easy for people to default to aro = aroace. which rubs me the wrong way#even if im not necessarily aroallo i am Just Aro and people automatically assuming that im ace is. not great#i also just. really like hearing the perspectives of other aro people. theres that layer of nuisance when you know what amatonormativity is#yknow?#like even if i dont id as aroallo or lovequeer or loveless or aplatonic i like hearing abt it. other perspectives on aromanticism help me#to recognize facets of aroness i hadnt considered before and better understand myself#and it makes me feel more like im in a community :]#anyway its aroposting time im gonna go read some aro posts now#sev rambles
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Thoughts on getohime? Is it realistic or too much or a crackship? (I personally find it strange lol)
0/10 but I’m a geto glazer and constantly sucking his dick so perhaps this is a teeny tiny bit biased
#okay but uh idk ship what u want but it doesn’t appeal to me 😭 geto/shoko makes more sense to me even#.𖥔 summy answerz .ᐟ ๋࣭ ⭑#anon! ♡‧₊˚#maybe if they were hatefucking or something#fwbs but…without the friends part LOL and 0 attachment
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think when shri’iia experiences Romance for the first time - and Romance from someone who actually likes her and she knows it’s genuine attraction - she’d implode, maybe. mostly because shri’iia never knew romantic gestures were an option especially outside sex. like I don’t think she’s even given a hug before, and her way of consoling someone is literally saying get over it/stop being sad because she thinks that’s helpful and she doesn’t know a more kind and gentler approach because she’s never experienced it, let alone seen it since she lived in menzoberranzan before all this. so the moment someone holds her hand, or hugs her, or even kisses her outside of sex - intimate gestures (both platonic and romantic) I think she’ll just freeze up because she wouldn’t know what to do. and the moment she feels that exhilaration or thrill from experiencing something romantic (actually the word im thinking of is nakikilig and that’s like the closest translation of it I think) she’d actually get spooked by it because it’s new. it catches her off guard. and it’s not like she doesn’t like it - I think she’ll learn that she very much does eventually - it’s just that it’s new and she’s never been treated with a loving hand before that she’d actually get uncomfortable by it at first.
#when the hag romance turns from fwb -> to actual genuine attraction but now astarion has to learn how to be gentle bc this woman has never#been sincerely loved before all the while learning how HE wants to be loved himself and vice versa. it’s a learning process for the both of#them 🥰🥰🤭🤭 and they learn what they both like and not like. and the deceit turning into something that’s so genuine and real and the trust#being built by brick. two extremely callous and selfish people learning how to live in a selfless and genuine way what if I just ended it#all MAYBE..!!!!!!!#but imagine astarion kissing her for the first time she’d be like ???? 🧍♀️#actually have this mini comic i doodled from them where they’re having a Moment in act 2#before his romance scene where he’s expecting she’s gonna kiss him but she doesn’t she kinda looks at him like ???#she hasn’t kissed anyone outside of sex before. idt she’s even been kissed until she got dropped off in the surface#bc she surely is NOT getting anything from her matriarch#like shri’iia not knowing how to give affection and it’s less she doesn’t want it but more she never knew it was something you can give#is so 😭😭😭😭😭😭 my loser wife….
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another day another part of a discussion w/an asexual lens making me think of billions, starting with the articulated normative concept (which is clearly part of an assumption billions' material works off of & expects the viewer to work off of to interpret that material) that for men sex is a matter of fact need whereas for women sex (that they might Seek themselves, beyond dutifully providing it in the face of a man's Need) is an indulgence, like lol imagining billions being like yeah i mean cmon is [woman] supposed to pretend she doesn't have a body with needs :/ while it's like prince taking advantage of women & wags looking for another Young Woman Body to use as thing that gives him His Progeny & it's like aw it's great actually that you have Wants, that's so empowered of you guys
obviously thinking of winston in that mix & what creation &/or leveraging of increased vulnerability is also taken as matter of fact or empowering indulgence or something, rather than analyzed re: power dynamics....& then was thinking that like yeah billions assumes winston is a man but makes him the engaging site of Doing Things Wrong that it doesn't even Partly, With Many Limits, engage with critically as it does re: introducing taylor as someone who "does things wrong," (but not too much. stop that) or then, like, rian in the same vein, but what a surprise that in often already putting up these limits on of what & how much taylor's character can actually fundamentally put things taken as "normal (unquestionable) & correct" into a critical context, amazing that rian's character as supposedly another level of [taylor] added to that actually gets reined in immediately like "oh you can't actually be That abnormal, for Real" (then also immediately treated as yeah true i'm a normal i'm a paragon what the hell am i doing Leaving here i Do belong here. you've never seen me with a hat) & after billions doesn't have [rian serves the purpose of taylor having dialogue at someone. or alleged but largely insubstantial nonmeaningful conflicts Or resolutions] or [rian, ofc assumed woman, serves the woman purpose of "keeper of body man uses to have sex" for a plotline as or more insubstantial & antimeaningful (besides the substance & meaning of all the preexisting normative perspectives on gender/sexuality & power dynamics) as anything has ever been] or even [rian, just zany enough to be abusive to winston in ways beyond doing your best to filter out / deny that he exists] like oh None of that's relevant? rian is completely some background rando who just goes "yeah what he said" to background randos like dollar bill & victor or just stands in for those roles here & there, indistinguishably except whoa hey didn't you notice she's a girlboss version of these rando assholes
but like back to how winston is "wrong" in a way that cannot be questioned or question the "right"ness in that paradigm (flipping the script, rejecting the premise. of course that winston was "wrong" to do that is Factual), or ofc if you did it would be a joke with no meaning that could Really be considered to be "real" questionability of the assumptions that dictate what winston Factually Is (wrong)....that ofc sex isn't a "need" for some particular created Class of people, but it's the hierarchal elevation of that class (i.e. patriarchy) that can frame it as a "need" that ofc in actuality isn't about anyone dropping dead but as an Entitlement that one can Expect to have fulfilled, indeed supposedly "matter of fact" when the "fact" is that the concept here is that a man will have sex if he wants it, so what's to distinguish it from fulfilling a need he can Expect to have met b/c he will literally die without it? meanwhile whether a woman "wants" sex is beside the point when her body is a component of [men's fulfilled need for sex] & thus that question of "want" is an "extra" matter that is only relevant if a woman seems to be engaging in sexual activity in a way not fully contained by the concept of [fulfilling a man's need] wherein it's like the idea of oh this woman Wants sex is "useful" in ways that would reinforce patriarchy: sex work happens in an socioeconomic context that doesn't start & end in the domain of Individual Men? call that "wanting sex" to be like, yeah i assume i'll have sex in the future according to what i'm traded for it, not according to the enshrined Need Of A Man(tm)....& then to just accept the same premises, women don't Need Sex (i.e. aren't entitled to get it from men, independent of whether the man wants that at all or from them specifically, the way it is re: men "needing" sex from women) & their "wanting" it is something Extra to their status as fulfillers of men's sexual needs, but what if instead of that "want" being Bad, we saw it as Good? like hell yeah that's Empowered of you? feminism wins, done & dusted
back to winston for real like he is a role seen as Wanting things, And That's Bad. he wants things all the other characters are here wanting, like to have relationships of various kinds, get validation & be re/affirmed, get to partake in the activities that others are by virtue of Being There, such as "communicating," but it's more "well, of course. they're only human" for others & it's Pathetic of winston & offputting & arrogant in the ways that he seeks getting these wants met, or meeting them by doing [xyz] in the first place, like Being Present b/c he wants to be, & he is Out Of Line in doing so b/c others are supposed to be superior, which is meaningful insofar as they have authority over him for it, thus he Ought to have his "extra" "wanting" denied as much as possible b/c hm turns out Superior Authorities aren't just such benevolent omniscient shepherds of the inferior that it's all harmonious & there's not as much extraction in a situation of greatest precarity as possible....prince a sicko for seeing things that way, wendy is correct for seeing herself that way though, & anyone who lashes out at winston on sight for whatever reason is correct for it too, b/c call it a generous benefaction of ABA
anyway people "needing" all this stuff, can't go without it, how could you expect them to??? which is to say ofc it's not a "need" like they would be able to point to themselves dying without it, but it's something that can always be Expected to be accessed / obtained due to an Entitlement to it (backed up by power leverage). if it's not happening in that context, it's back to being a "want" that someone would be arrogant to Expect or out of line to Seek, including by "demanding" it which would be asking or arguing for it beyond what is heroically charitably given in a way that does not threaten the elevated superiority of the giver who has taken pity thusly....winston being put in a queer context unbeknownst to billions for being assumed a man but "wrong" at it (while billions also doesn't think about how it saddles the other quant with the demands of a cishet context, two sides same coin going on there in the "right" vs "wrong" quant duo) & unlike True Men he is not entitled to sex, thus, it's something he Wants b/c the [he can Never Have It, that would be wrong] is incompatible with being that alleged Need that of course these other men just "have to" pursue & obtain with all their bonus power leverages, i.e. they Are Going To, vs winston Not going to, "obviously," even as it isn't obvious at all b/c why would it be? he even gets to implicitly have had sex ever Just for the purposes of how "factually" wrong it is, imagine Learning anything about sex or not being born with the Right Body, no question that those "ideals" are undeniable reality, emphasis on the "undeniable," hey if the eugenics is still systemically entrenched who's to "question" it lol? those targeted? same as "how can Women question that Men need sex"? it's god or nature that dictates this gender binary, insofar as i don't Need to convince anyone of it to be enforcing it. force of nature. as is the "need" of a man to have sex. as is whatever the abusive party feels like doing at any given time, if you're the abused stuck in that situation. May As Well Be, so
all that to say like winston has this "extra" "want" for Everything b/c billions thinks he is a punching bag nonperson who ultimately anyone deserves to violate & assault however to whatever extent (where any restraint is just the assumed bounds of what would be too "unseemly" in the context of the broader situation, which is pretty arbitrary & just changes upon whenever billions decides "oh actually this violent action is Serious" like dollar bill was good to go the whole time, wags was, wendy is just creating Fun if she puts on a performance of this eruption of violence in the office the same ep she yells & slams some phone around after putting the tmcers in front of the people who are assaulting them but it's not That Serious....the entire idea that "of course" there are these absolute concrete boundaries based on what's "too much" that you would just Feel at the time such that you couldn't possibly find yourself in the wrong b/c you would have preempted Doing that inappropriate act; the entire idea that "oh yeah Some people are less of real people than me but i'd Know when i went Too Far" as though "too far" isn't mostly bounded by what you can get away with &/or is rewarded for how it plays into this hierarchy as is of who is inferior vs superior. dehumanization? don't mind if i do, b/c i'm against it, except like, you don't have to "be against dehumanization" to be against dehumanization, right? your inner sense of The Vibes would make sure you never "really" did that, same as Everything Else ostensibly based on principles that don't actually need to be exercised "on principle"....don't Really have a problem with in group / out group so long as i'm in the out group. it's not bad for anyone to do something to someone, it's bad to be anyone someone could do something to. and winston is definitely someone that anyone could do anything to :) what's more shocking than this: victim blaming being completely the Norm, abuse being the Norm, the Norm comfortably containing all the violence that it already does & able to obfuscate & deflect actual questioning of it b/c it can so far just keep doing it one way or another, may as well Need to be this way, may as well be the only possible way b/c it arises out of these assumed beliefs that are just Universally Human, thus would happen no matter what & it can only be this way. the autistic rando Would be treated like this in every universe :) as another way of believing it Unquestionable, b/c it is surely inherently Inviolable
bringing it back around from whatever might have been the thread there: also Lol Lmao (dire) that part of what makes winston's sexuality so cringefail is that he doesn't consider himself "entitled" to have sex w/any particular woman, such as his crush, As He Should if he were a man in the Right ways, i.e. "truly," i.e. he is more like a woman, i.e. inferior, which is absolutely what we see in how winston treats him, like a woman he doesn't "need" sex (is entitled to it) & so he "wants" sex & this is suddenly not Empowered of him b/c why would billions go "oh right, uh, feminism win" when it doesn't see him as "really" a woman, just a man who is too Like one, thus not bestowed with the ostensible Girlboss lens on every single woman on billions ever, feminism win again, a Boyemployee out here fr to be Humorously Abused by one of those girlbosses, with we the viewers assumed to assume that girlboss recognizes the fact that winston's sexuality is a repulsive deviant intrusion trying to disrupt the Natural Order (nothing to question in that, am i right? my cishet agenda'd men who would never research anything about having sex & can Sense what kind of bodies everyone has b/c well isn't it always so obvious? if it weren't, that in & of itself would be Too much of a turnoff. i would never be Really attracted to "wrong" bodies, i would preemptively be correctly repulsed, i would never be Really abusive to "wrong" "people," i would preemptive by correctly repulsed by True moral transgression) like. stunning that billions' idea of an encapsulating sendoff for riawin is rian hanging back shit talking winston, being in charge of winston's actually friendly coworker & ABA telling him that being Known to support winston is wrong, obviously no reflection on rian being abusive other than to tell us billions thinks it was a graciously charitable kindness of Attention he didn't deserve, rian then talking to him like aw i'll kind of miss this piece of property i'm throwing out (oh wait i forgot he exists. oh wait yes i'll help you kill him. oh wait i'm not interested in the followup & winston will never get to talk to me about it including when he materializes back into the office once more later) but like it's just:
(cont.) so above & beyond stunning for billions to spell out winston as an Exception in no negative shift in his treatment of her & then saying this treatment has always been "pathetic & slavish" (like........) / this lack of a negative shift in his treatment of her is itself Negative, "truly," rian is just too sentimental towards him as she has been all this time in becoming like the one person whose abusiveness towards him is most varied, most frequent, and most intimate (winston isn't friends or even seatmates with anyone else who does this kind of shit / other kinds of shit, award for rian not being seen physically assaulting winston) like um lol imagine not being Entitled to this woman, hence the "joke" that was winston's crush the whole time which was so actually not relevant that there'd be no reason to assume in s7 he still Particularly "wanted" (boooo hissss, like a woman?? a woman who is a slut??? or empowered if you accept the same premises but suppose a "positive" framing is doing the Opposite in any way that actual threatens the premises, which it doesn't much, which is preferable to analyzing the power dynamics within which people "need" or "want" or "have" sex or don't....don't mind billions' preoccupation with winston's body (with a sexual context) or sex drive (also sexual context. nothing Matter Of Fact about that, it's gross, thanks) or any expression of pursuit of sex with a specific person, so Pathetic as to assume it might not happen b/c that person has agency he doesn't want to steamroll (or can't anyway? like a loser) rather than Knowing He Is Entitled & a girlboss would correctly recognize his Real Man right to have sex with her, why Wouldn't she want to have sex with him anyway? which is a question you can just say to yourself rhetorically as you write that happening for a hollow gesture at [power dynamics?] that goes "well, but of course men need sex, which is simple fact. & women want it, if they're empowered, which is okay" i.e. it is "correct" to assume any given correct woman (all of them, on billions) will fulfill your entitlement to i mean need for sex, ofc it's up to the Wrong kind of men to Not assume as much, or even leverage [negative treatment] to their advantage, just Positive (& neutral) treatment in case a woman is down b/c that's All They Have, like a loser, unlike winners who have their power to leverage. cue mafee getting a pat on the head by wendy about the "aw gee i guess i kind of have a crush but i know it's never gonna go anywhere" like oh pathetic but you get that pat on the head b/c we don't hate you as much as winston, same as the Went Nowhere Fast thread of his liking lauren, well but she's not even single so it's not Necessarily as personal an [of course not?] but like also lol of course not, well but we didn't make sure to laugh at another [never gonna happen] moment in the end. but what else is the point of winston, & we have so much fun Indulging in it, we sure do Want to, & it's an epic fun n games Want & Indulgence when we do it. not when winston does it
tl;dr billions is like "smh winston's a slut for everything" and Lol Lmao the "don't be so fucking needy" b/c his wanting is Needing & our wanting is needing but in a correct way; uh oh is the way billions lashes out at winston a Reflection on the assumptions & actions behind that? that winston is introduced (as supposedly only to appear in that episode) as being too liable to Defensively Lash Out, which is done in a scene where all the other characters are defensively lashing out at him & that was Correct? can you imagine if some characters felt entitled to have various "needs" met & to be able to create negative consequence if they weren't, no, it's the quant we targeted for being autistic & who is irritated about this, & about his boss shitting on him in the meantime, & is daring to Say Anything about it or in general, who is creating such a hassle for everyone & demanding so much with his feelings at any given time. episode WDE really showing how so much of the ultimate fantasy re: winston is to force a mirror up to him (surely the purest power trip is forcing that "nooo, my inferiority, & truly your superiority" despairing acknowledgment Affirmation &/or simply the exercise of superiority i.e. authority that is just doing whatever you want to someone. both happening to winston, they only don't also literally kill him b/c billions just doesn't really do that in general) & but then that episode actually being that clearest mirror to / reflection of billions & its assumptions & perspective & limits it sets in Analyzing Power or anything else & what it even wants to do more generally, whoops! & you know that even if you got a degree of "maybe any of that was out of line in any Real way" it'd be about the victim blaming perspex of [i mean is the real problem Doing Xyz To Anyone or Having Xyz Done To You? (that's right, it's the latter)] like couldn't be done to him if he wasn't a loser anyway, real winners can dictate what can happen to them & do whatever they want, just as we always knew winston was a loser b/c he Might Not have sex w/a woman he likes, & they Might Not (lol. Will not. but he thinks "might not" b/c he's pathetic & Doesn't Get It b/c if he did he'd have been born better or kill himself for not having done so, one supposes) b/c winston is a loser, who can only "want" sex & anything else, vs what other characters "need" to have, like control of his existence & sometimes also taylor's
#winston billions#it's only the belief that as a loser no winner (which incl All Women) would have sex with him / he is obv Not Entitled To Sex that has it#such that we couldn't get the scenario that rian plans to hook up with him; makes sure they're both high before propositioning this#(as is unquestioned in canon like. why is this in here. you didn't even use it to suggest it was relevant to rian's judgment?)#(plausibly as a cue to us abt prince but tfw billions expects us to break out Not That Bad in defense of the existing power dynamics; so)#& then has it like a ''you're welcome'' + ''i know you like me; so'' + ''you're Human & A Man so ofc you want sex'' + ''you're a loser so#how else are you going to have sex'' + ''i feel well-meaning'' rape apologia / whole basis of a mostly offscreen fwb type situation#billions would sure not have that kind of scenario happen to Be Questioned at all. couldn't even manage it when having a Winner Very Young#Woman be taken advantage of with a way greater power difference as a several episode thread so like. lol.#with reassurances that actually in this case it's not Bad to have been a victim (?) whereas yknow it's comedy if we flip the normative#i.e. wow suddenly aware of Power Difference if a woman takes advantage of a man & it's comedy b/c imagine. what a loser#whereas the power difference even in [we exist in a patriarchy] is regarded as completely neutral. just Normal Stuff going on here#would have to really be something ''extra'' to be ''out of line'' & we would All just Sense it if we're inherently abstractly Good enough
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I HAVE A THOUGHT ☝️☝️ academic rivals who become fwb to “sabotage” the other
#it’s 3 am but i’m thinking thoughts#academic rivals to lovers#ensue the war of trying to distract the other the most#wearing something to an exam/test you Know will make them think of That One Night or otherwise drive them mad#keeping them from being able to study (but accidentally being unable yourself)#rough sex. enough said i fear#“i totally am not really enjoying myself and reveling in your touch and attention and maybe even flickers of affection#“why are you here rn we have no academics going on “oh yeah i forgot#quizzing each other during sex and trying to fuck the other stupid#endless possibilities. i am going MAD#i can’t decide with who but i may NEED to write this#reggie? barty?#if this is a common trope i haven’t seen pls drop reccs#academic rivals to fwb with reggie
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I guess I never mattered at all in your life and it shows.
#what a horrible feeling#and after all the back and forth and in between#your mixed emotions and wish washy demeanor#I still can’t help but think it was my fault#even though it wasn’t me at all :( you just refused to ever believe that you felt something for me out of fear#and I never knew you liked me in that way because you never told me I assumed we were just fwb#and because of the lack of communication on your end and you clearly being too busy to ever hang out#or even talk to me (you can be busy nbd but when you’re making nothing but excuses everytime)#it’s just ridiculous and your feelings are crystal clear at that point#I don’t understand you and I wish I did I wish you had opened up to me and I wish we could discuss ALL of it#because if we aren’t going to be anything other than friends I want to be friends at the very least instead of losing you.#but you clearly don’t want that or like me at all you clearly NEVER liked me period looking back at all that occurred between us
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thinking about my stupid horny fucks (finnley and chase)
#mostly thinking about the fact that finnley letting chase top him had some Significance actually#finn already had top surgery and was on his first months of t when they officially became fwbs but didn't had bottom surgery yet#he was slightly scared tbh even if that was something he really really wanted. anyway; he did fine topping other people at that time#but his dysphoria got severely triggered at the thought of him being the one who got penetrated. so you can guess that#for him to actually be comfortable being the bottom that meant a shitton of trust put on the other person#and he did trusted chase to that level lol. in fact he was the only one allowed to top him before he got bottom surgery when he was 24 or s#to this day he still prefers topping bc that's just his role preference. but bottoming is not an issue now like it used to be#and certainly does not require the level of trust he used to have in chase#so yeah. it was something.#nsft#oc talk
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im like such an idiot highkey like damn
#3.txt#like my dumb ass cought feelings for my situationship and like he doesnt want me obviously#and like im so confused where i stand w him and like everyone keeps asking abt it and like its just so humiliating#cuz like i was talking to one of his friends and he was like so whats gong on between u 2#and i was pike oh you know jist like fwb nothing serious#and hes like oh why so#and its like im not gonna say its bcs he doesnt fucking like me or want me so i had to just pathetically mumble something out#like fuck me#its like im so stupid and desperate for attention like why did i do this to myslef#and like im so into him it crazy and hes not a bad guy in any way#hes really amaizng its just that im that dumb bitch that cought feelings like fuck meee#i need to find like an actual bf or somwthing and end this shit cuz i cant go on like this#like i dont ever know where i stand w that guy and like#somethimes well be chilling and it will be like were just friends like nothing extra and when we leave ill go in for a hug and hell go for#a handshake but other times ill leave and hell go in for a fucking kiss so like how am i supposed to keep up#like sometimes well hang out and heel be all love dovey other times its like im not even there#like if he just wants to be firends thats fine w me i just wish i had some clarity#cuz like i never know how to act around him#whatever fuck all life i should just kms
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could you make a part 2 for ignite please? it was so good omggg
yeah! it’s already a wip called fuel to the flames 😌 here's a snippet
"Mm, you touch yourself tonight?"
Your breath catches in your throat at the question. This is a safe place. It's just him, right? "Needed to after what you said. Couldn't stop thinking about you." The words are expected to feel like busted glass, sharp and jagged – a knife's edge as they leave your mouth. Instead, it's nothing but heat, a desire that you've been trying to cage up, now slowly unfurling and slipping through the cracks.
His eyes are piercing; they cut through even the inky blackness of his room. Johnny's voice is molten, ragged and washed with barely-contained restraint as he groans at your confession. "Did it help?"
"No," you admit, swallowing thickly. Raw honesty. "Now that I know what you feel like against me, I want the real thing."
#johnny mactavish x reader#i'm glad you liked it friend!#johnny is so down bad for the reader in this fic#and reader is like??? me too i think??#i promise these aren't spoilers#BUT LIKE#because of the mutual pining#after you read this second part you'll realize they're fucking stupid and would be in a FWB and get married for housing benefits#then probably accidentally get knocked up so now they're literally like in a committed relationship#but they're both like oi nah we're just friends even though we fuck on a reg basis and are married and have a kid#they're the type to do it#it was just a thought i had lmao because if it happened#THEY WOULD#unfortunately i am in my ghost era rn lmaoooo#working on something called Lifeline and it's so??? angsty??#❈inbox: answered
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Idek if there's a word for what we are, I'm just glad to have you
#fr in my own slow burn fwb to lovers arc and im already beyond the acceptance phase#he's also just obviously given up hiding his affection and its honestly even more endearing#im not used to someone caring about me so openly its making me soft#im not rushing into a relationship tho and ik he isnt either and honestly#idk if i can handle something more rn and he knows that too
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as "let's see if will roland's birthday prompts any billions production clues from posts castmates may make about it" continues to yield "no one's posting about it, while some castmates post about other people's birthdays," already having more thoughts abt [i'm sure he'll show up in at least one episode even if only to be written out] type things like:
a) would be insulting if winston is fired to serve a subplot about philip and taylor having some difficulty in finding their footing re: working together as coheads, like, we're good at anticassandraing things and have gone "lol what if philip & taylor disagreed abt quants in that philip preferred winston. which he feasibly could," so what if instead it's philip arguing that winston should be fired to streamline things or because everyone who's not taylor will want him gone b/c they dislike him, and in learning how to successfully work together, taylor's like well alright. like, don't pit these elements against each other the insult is instead just Anyone, higher ups or lower downs, wanting winston gone b/c they dislike him, so he's fired
b) winston getting bullied by anyone or everyone is seen as him distracting them &/or provoking it with his presence, so he's fired winston being friends w/tuk is seen as a bad influence of loserdom on the latter (or distraction, or annoying, or w/e) so he's fired some Problem that needs solving or otherwise some need to fire Some people that really doesn't have much to do with him gets him fired anyways. like 5x05 all over again, isn't it always. or even if he's particularly involved in some problem you know it'd be something other people could get away with just fine. see:
c) what's even "a problem" like that despite everyone being in a hostile workplace, winston is especially, and we're so graced with dollar bill back on the premises who has already harassed and threatened and assaulted him (not only limiting the lattermost to something like "did he hit you, and like, closed fist, and i mean pretty hard. well that's just what he's like, you're fine." or the way like sabotaging a toilet is just epic pranks and only a problem if something looks bad to theoretical investors and we should talk about what tmc people might be doing to deserve it) while rian has been holding down the fort bullying and using winston. perfectly in line with everything if this kind of thing prompting any hostility in turn is like, nobody blinks at the other stuff, wherein if anything everyone keeps trying to fix dollar bill's feelings for him and talk about how who he's being awful to needs to appease him asap, and rian simply Wanting to use winston as a chew toy is just taken in stride while separately people have already been motivated by theoretically looking out for her / supporting her in various ways as well. whereas if winston Acts like he regards her as a hostile party, which she is, rather than seeming to operate in good faith that they can have regular constructive basic respect interactions, which he does while those decent interactions seem to come through rarely and unreliably, then i'm sure he'd be seen as mean / starting shit / out of line / etc, especially when it seems him Disrespecting the Rules & Social Hierarchy that should disallow him from like, speaking unless it's to self-flagellate, means people see him as aggressive or whatever. basically the classic scenario like, kid's bullied at school, they're supposed to just ignore it or it's otherwise "not that bad" / stuff gotten away with, even if supposedly it's like well just tell an authority figure here, that won't/doesn't work, any resulting obvious tension/dislike between the kid and whoever is like "uh oh, a Both Sides problem" at best, same if there's a physical fight or something or else it's like well That was unacceptable and if it was initiated by Your reaction to all other kinds of terrible treatment for however long, you're the problem. not that i expect winston to throw a punch about it, but, figuratively / parallel to this scenario
d) winston is sick of his deluxe hostile environment, doesn't actually like whatever coheading changes, sick of rian and/or dollar bill specifically, and/or doesn't appreciate some other goings-on, like one that results in him even being threatened with firing, and gets to just quit as has regularly seemed like something he might want to do anyways since 4x11 and intermittently on
e) not really another Way to imagine they kick him out but was thinking how like, Is a reason we're shown that taylor and rian hugging in the middle of an office was seen by i guess winston alone gonna be further relevant at all and about him making anything of it, which, he really couldn't possibly be wrong about any inferences. but going :/ at the taylor and rian dynamic just as a spontaneous, contained event would be self-explanatory too. but had the thought of like, maybe it's all "well taylor's been here 5 seasons and is in a more prominent position than last season, throw a PR problem at them for the first time for real, just as a shakeup / something that throws them off" wherein like winston wouldn't even have to be there to be cited in something like yeah i was fired or quit or whatever else and my former boss is dating an employee i think. or seems to have a real personal preference for them if not personal somethingship. which is true lmfao like? even if winston ""wrongly"" assumes they're dating like "oh sorry these claims are ridiculous, i only proposed as much to this employee who i already was informally mentoring and do favor such that she was promoted offscreen after like half a season to be able to make trades and this only came up when her using that capacity to do some shit she could've been fired for had me like 'but i'll take the heat for it' b/c any feeling that i'd wanna fire you is worth working through as a personal problem, and that employee turned me down not only just b/c apparently dating through work is too much (but not hooking up through work) but because she's afraid of how much she could love me, and now we're further personal somethings or who even knows what's ever been going on and so who can say if we were supposed to have fully closed the door on dating or not, even." wherein like....someone then doing further research consulting with every named tmc employee, in this hypothetical (and ignoring any hypothetical new, named/dialogued hires) scenario all now Former employees except rian who clearly won't have been firedor quit at the start of season 7, b/c yknow god forbid lmao....like, oh i'm taylor's best friend so no comment except that when i'm mad at them i'll apparently say that i always thought they inhumanly don't have feelings and all, very helpful. then there's like, oh yeah i was taylor's employee and dated them until business misalignments lead to a less than ideal breakup, and then kind of an aftershock of that for fun i guess. and then yeah i was also taylor's employee and knew they were dating another employee and i disapproved if only b/c i told them it could look bad but then also one of the reasons leading up to my quitting was having difficulty getting in touch with them while the other employee lived with them at least part of the time and i didn't seem to be a fan of that bonus access re: discussing business getting in the way of the formal structure / chain of command or whatever at work as well which is part of what i was already there to file a complaint over, so....even just the "it does look bad / people do think you leverage status for access to sex through employees" like no but that's My boss though. but also just that yeah taylor has at least tried to date employees twice, and their personal preference does affect professional matters, though that's also just like, pick any place of work and any slice of it, may not be a meritocracy after all versus how much it matters that some people are popular and/or liked by the right people while others can be recognized as Good Employees on paper but be left where they are or antagonized by peers or higher ups b/c of "failing" at the popularity contest aspect. and this could just be some new Kind of problem for taylor, and/or their just having to question themself more. or else go "ugh leave it to winston" and shrug it off once whatever's smoothed over.
f) winston isn't fully written off but rather it's something zany like, the twist is dollar bill coming back (god forbid he didn't either) while mafee, who evidently sees taylor outside work despite it all, is like eh we'll get dinners sometimes too, and does not likewise return despite saying he's the one who'd consider it. winston, being fired, or having quit, or just being unhappy w/things enough to consider it, is like well you're kind of regular at me sometimes and can't yell at me abt loyalty to taylor if neither of us work for them and you have weird confusing ideas about how they should be loyal to you if anything, and i can do the work of 50 phds, and i know you don't know shit abt the math and quanting but if you just leave it up to me entirely, that's pretty much been my work experience thus far anyways. then he'd be filming on different sets, possibly more rarely, and also dan soder has been likewise elusive but is also on site on the two even vaguely or implicitly [s7 production] related pics will's turned up in.
g) idk billions feel free to prank us where once again between seasons we worry winston could be written off but then he isn't, but elusivity paired with suddenly now castmates w/no mention of him for [march 5th] and [we are doing any bday acknowledgments] overlaps that otherwise get posts, especially. weird even if he Was written out in ep one but okay then
#winston billions#maybe he'd feel petty after being disposed of; maybe someone's doing really specific investigative journalism lol....#although also the idea that lauren's known one ep return last season was like. will This be an unfriendly ex gf/employee using insider info#and if winston were to be fired or quit; no matter the specific reason behind that it's like. how would he have only the fondest memories#he's been here for taylor & i imagine it can be inferred he hopes his Skills being valued are a shot at also being valued as a person#but if it seems like he was only ever begrudgingly kept around & given that [useful tool] status while other employees got more personal &#preferential treatment; which like everyone save sara kinda but she at least got to have substantial & frequent enough exchanges w/taylor#while here's a quant peer he even likes & does keep trying to be amicable with but she also regards & treats him as usable & disposable#while taylor at least ignores & allows this while v much preferring & Would Be dating this employee like. probably could be pissed abt that#and just to go off the shits lol like oh Petty Ex Employee behavior But....add in tayston fwb history lmaooo Like. oof#with some end of s3 into s4 timeline especially like where maybe winston wants a personal somethingship w/them as well but instead the#whole fwbship (& any undiscussed / not directly acknowledged somethingship along with it) was dropped when taylor dated lauren#like yes add in nonzero petty ex something as well lol. or Wish i could be a petty ex but got burned by the implication that like#no taylor doesn't not date employees as a rule nor even seem to worry abt it much personally; On Paper especially re propositioning rian#but also combining [dated lauren] and [dated oscar] stats it's like yeah they Ought to consider winston a romantic candidate as well lol#he Does get [autistic character] different negative / diminishing treatment all round from all elements so like. grievances lol#and of course taylor could choose to be petty ex employer/something as well like great so we're fighting now#and if winston's sharing the other trivia he's not sharing His personal history w/them. and taylor could threaten to but isn't gonna share#that b/c it'd make them look worse too (i am aware of the gfy proximity at this point yes lmfao girl help) but Can throw it in his face#can go after knowing he had that personal somethingship with them; the closest gfy esque thing here would be if taylor was also a bit too#clueless like well that is just hypocritical of you to take issue w/it Or take advantage of it when it suits you....w/o realizing that#element of like yeah i'm jealous actually?? remember when you dumped me to date someone else when [why didn't you date Me]....#or be Aware like well you're jealous actually. and winston can be like Yeah? I Am? lmao. we both know why we're fighting....#impossible to tell if taylor didn't infer winston might like rian or else just ignored it but they could throw that at him too#i don't really imagine winston still Likes rian crushwise by the end of s6 for sure but. might also be annoyed they even get an affinity#like man don't worry their dynamic really isn't convincingly that good or enjoyable b/w them....missing out on what.#then the most gfy similar thing to do would be like don't take it out on me just b/c nobody would wanna date you#a move that could range from [merely laughably stock pettiness] to [surprisingly genuinely cutting] depending on specific execution ig#anyways whether he's still filming or not; if any cast members were to remember will exists & give us Any info w/acknowledgments we might#expect based on precedent. that it's Axe; Dollar Bill; and Rian who are most firmly established as [will be present] via ppl's posts. Great
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Sorry I gotta rant in the tags like a maniac because we have nobody to talk to about this without risking our closest friendship. Nobody is required to read and honestly I'd encourage ignoring it
#fuck we are falling apart and need to not be the person they lean on for a while because things cant keep going on like this#we broke up for a REASON. a big fucking reason. were obviously better as friends#it wasnt even a problem when we were fwbs we could just exist under the knowledge that it was Just Sex and nothing more so WHY now that it's#also ended are we constantly fighting feelings for them and having so many intrusive thoughts about getting back with them. its not fair to#them. theyve JUST been through a really shitty breakup and we are NOT a good enough person for them. and god help us if they somehow find#out or work it out or we get too drunk or high and say something. i think they'd feel betrayed.#and if they do find out then what about the concert in march. how the fuck would we be meant to spend that long together if they're#uncomfortable being around us. just throw over 200 down the drain? sell our ticket to someone they can actually stand being around?#theyve been so nice and sweet and soft with us all weekend and we cant stop overthinking it. i hate the thoughts of 'what if they still like#us that way too?' its not fair. its not fair to them its not fair to us#havent we been through enough without losing our closest friend AGAIN? i don't know which is worse#at least when 🟢 died we knew she didnt hate us. we can mourn her without looking pathetic. if they hate us and feel betrayed that weve#started falling for them again then we can't even mourn. we'll look like a creep. a predator. i cant stand any of this.#like was it not enough that we already failed them once so badly that we hate ourselves? now this? we turned off our ability to feel love#YEARS AGO. why is it back#why is it fucking our entire life up AGAIN.#theres nobody we can talk to. we're not entirely sure who we even are right now. just so many of us under so much pressure. i cant begin to#even count who's stuck up front with me and the host
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