#i am so sorry for how awkward i was during this era of my life

[energydeficient]

lol guess who's not dead (i am not back) (i am just here to shout into the void that i am in fact still alive) (and miss my old friends) (hope all of u have been doing well since i dipped off the face of the earth lol) ok thats all from me have a good night 🫡🫡

[beyondbinaries]

I'm posting this a bit early in case the 12th isn't a good mental health day. And I'm sorry if the random tag is annoying or if this post takes up too much space on dash.

On Oct 12 2016, I made a coincedental decision that has changed my life as a whole. A choice that has led me to so much pain but also so many happy memories and irreplcable friends. I made my pfp on Quotev a Genis Sage picture and somehow ended up involved in a Symphonia rp group 💕.

I had loved Genis as a character since I was a child watching my sister play at my Nanny's (my cousin would always delete her save before we even reached triet) and when we got a copy of the game when I was around 11/12 I had him on my team for the most part. It was my fascination with half elves and the mysterious Kharlan War Era that led to the creation of Mana, Oracle, Lee, 3rd, and Sunny. But those were all just childish writing in a notebook I hid from the world. Im sure lil me would die on the spot to hear that they are charas so many people know. I always knew that I loved to write but it was for charas like Sherlotta who were niche and not from a series as big as Tales so I never wrote Genis. Well until that day, I was too awkward to tell them I wasnt an rp blog and fully committed to it.

And look where that has led me. Here to you all. This journey may have been long and filled with things I'd never wish on anyone but I'm happy. So many of you have encouraged me and been there for me. I love and appreciate you all. Under the cut imma try to have things for a lot of you all word wise as gratitude. But thank you all so much, there are no amount of words or tangible sentences to express how much you all mean to me. And a happy birthday to my Genis interp who I wish i still wrote

@pyonpyonpyon ; Yuki youve been around since I started on here and damn time sure does fly. Thank you for always sticking around and plotting some of the most insane relations w/ me (Moe and Yuuri family) and dealing with tye silly kyubey meming I did back in 2017 (its been that long)

@mermaus ; sobs you know how much i lov and appreciate you but I will reiterate here... Lena you have stood by me for so much, have made my day so many times, etc. You are one of the most talented people on this website and in general? You are funny, kind, brave, strong, amazing. Im forever thankful to have met you and to be in your life. I am so eagerly awaiting the day we can meet and I can hug you irl.

@strebcr ; Pineapple !!! I am so so glad to have reconected with you! You are truly an amazing person and i am forever blessed to be considered your friend.

@in-sum ; Puyo !! Sobs I am so glad we were able to reconnect again, you are an amazing friend and you are always there for me. Youve stood in my corner when I was going through some of my worst times and I am forever grateful. You are talented and kindhearted and you stand up for what you believe is right.

@malusrecord / @constellationcrowned ; Kala!!!!!! It goes without saying how amazing of a writer and person you are. You bring so much life to your characters and it truly shows. I always find myself reading and rereading your posts when I am active on dash. You deserve all the good things in the world. And thank you so much for being my fren, I will always enjoy our dms and learning more about series i never thought I'd enjoy.

@ervaurem ; Shai!! I appreciate ypu so heckin much, you are such a kind and thoughtful person. I adore your presence on my dash and i adore the bonds between our characters. You've been there for me for such a long time now and I cant ever thank you enough..

@ofstarsandskies , @mathcs , @altosk , @cataclysmus , @talesofourworlds , and @broadswordandpistol ; a big catch all for all the wonderful people I met during festitales, despite how rough i am forever thankful for the oppurtunity I was given to force others into my point and click dm style of adventure. I have so much I cam say to each n every one of you 🥺

@solivcgant ; Mochi Mochi!! I am so sorry for the crimes Mana has committed against food and Eiji's mental health (eggbear eggs painge). I enjoy your presence and dog memes so much. You are so cool amd amazing aaa.

@twinklesofhope ; Ringo!! You are so talented and seeing you around makes me so happy.

@canidgrit / @nickitsden ; Fox!!! Hi we don't write together often but you are such a joy to see on my dash.

@biisutoarm ; Red!!! Hewwo hewwo, i love your Elfman so much he is such a treat and seeing him on dash always brightens my day. You are such a talented writer !

@osovereign ; Rinni! Hi hello, you are such an amazing and wonderful person. I have a lot of fun dming and writing with you. Its so nice to write with you again (I found a draft from like Jan 2017 on an old blog for you and i had to stop and stare at it lol--). I appreciate you so much and I hope to keep expanding Kratos' collection of poor Mana art.

@ednaeflowers ; Jenny!! Hi!! I know we aren't all that close or anything but you are such a delight to see on my dash. The Eizen and Edna thread we have is near and dear to my heart. I also really appreciate Mana and Edna's little friendship thing. I just really love your Edna interp 🥺, you are so talented and I appreciate you.

And to anyone else who read this far down, I love and appreciate you so much. Even if we don't speak or really write together. I genuinely believe each and every person I follow are talented individuals.

[slayter-kinney]

i've been trying to formulate how i feel about wad and this era of phandom since i finally got the chance to watch wad all the way through with my girlfriend last night and after sobbing violently following the smash mouth credits i think i have some semblance of a train of thought. long ramble incoming after the read more hehe

for context, i've been watching dnp for about 10 years, which for some of you is an extremely long time and for others is piddly. regardless, a decade of my life has been spent in varying amounts watching dan and phil and interacting with the phandom. and part of what i was trying to express to my gf after watching the show was that it really is a sense of pride to see the sad clown poster child for being, well, sad, to open up about his mental health struggles, to coming out, to making we're all doomed. i think this is a very similar reaction to the pride a lot of us feel for dan.

for me too, though, it's been the phandom (hi guys lol). I was really active in the phandom from like 2014ish-2017 (at which point i still watched videos as they were posted but i also just wasn't on tumblr as much and i had ~college~ to focus on), but that time was very formative teenage years for me during which i was going through similar mental health struggles, struggling with sexuality, regular ol' teenage demons, etc. and this sort of phandom revival has been making me feel this ridiculous nostalgia for those teenage years (even tho i was fighting for my life the whole time lol). i can sooo distinctly remember where i was when certain videos were uploaded, the feeling of being curled up in my bed at midnight in the summer with my iphone 5c catching up on the previous years' videos, making subpar edits on my phannie instagram while i was on a plane for my family's summer vacation.

having both the boys and the phandom (more) active again gives me that nostalgic feeling but with the feeling that everything feels So Much Better Now. i get the same excitement and rush watching new videos, sharing around edits and gifs, being insane with you all, but with the knowledge that i am older and i am better now. in a lot of personal ways i'm literally living the life i so desperately wanted when i was a teen and now i get to live it but with the same things that brought me joy when i was a sad 15 year old. despite the nostalgia, i dont think i would choose to go back to that time, but getting to look back on it now, and watch videos where dan and phil are unapologetically gay and happy and soulmate-y, see dan living his theatre kid dreams and is so so proud of his work, and to have this community of you all where we're all old(er) and queer and so proud of our dads (sorry). it's indescribable despite my best efforts to describe it. and yes i know i don't actually talk to a lot of you that's cause im awkward and bad at replying but if you've made it this far this is your open invite to start a convo with me in dms/ask box. anyways. i love you all. i love our boys. im grateful to be here with all of you.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Greece anon here

Thank you for what you said about the eras tour rant I went on, it's really helped to calm some of my nerves.

Also good news! We didn't sell the tickets to strangers but to someone my mum works with and they will probably be able to grab the merch we want when they go to their show if we give them money for them so I probably won't have to worry about merch lines at all which is good. But if the lines are short when we go we might go anyway just to see what's left yk.

I have got the loop experience 2 earplugs because I saw a bunch of people recommending them but I'm really scared I'll be able to hear my voice really loudly in my head. I'll see when I get there whether the noise is bad enough to have to wear them.

It is almost only 10 days away and i am freaking out!!!! There is no way I am seeing Taylor swift in 10 days that's not real. She's literally my favourite person in the world and I'm going to see her in real life I am so EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

How did you organise your bracelets? I want to put the ones I get from other people on my wrists and keep the ones I've made separate but I just found out that wembley don't allow metal carabiners inside so I am trying to come up with a new way to hold them. My bag has a bunch of compartments (because I like to organise) so I might just have them loose in one of the big compartments lol

I'm going out with my friends on Wednesday (including the one I'm going to the eras tour with) and I'm going to be yapping about it so much they're going to be sick of me but I don't care because I'M GOING TO THE ERAS TOUR!!!!

I'm trying to get everything that I need to get done over summer break done before my show so after I can just lay and think "oh my god that was amazing I'm so sad it's over" but I tried to open the book I have to read yesterday and I just kind of stared at it for a while, not a lot of reading happened... But I opened it!!! And that counts as progress 😌

I'm so happy I'm actually going to the eras tour!

I got my tickets over a year ago (11th July 2023) and I have been waiting so patiently I can hardly control myself anymore. Like on the 16th August I am going to be AT THE ERAS TOUR!!!!! it's crazy I can't believe it. I watch a livestream of every single show (yes, every. Single. One. I know it's excessive but I just love it so much) and soon it will be MY show. I have seen it through over 100 grainy livestreams at like 2am and during classes and MY SHOW is so close I am so excited I could throw up, my stomach hurts if I think about it for too long.

This was long and it was mostly me rambling but once I get talking about it it's hard for me to stop so sorry but hey it could have been worse! How are you? I hope you're doing well, summer sucks sometimes cause of the heat but sometimes it's great, and I hope it's going great for you!

Hi!!! Ahhh, I'm so excited for you! You have to update me on how it goes, okay?

I organized my bracelets where I had my inappropriate ones on one arm and my g-rated ones on the other lol. Because I knew kids would be there. TBH my biggest regret of the show was that I didn't trade a lot though! I'm super socially awkward irl so I was scared to go up to people, so I only got a few trades done, so don't do what I did! Luckily when I went to the movie later on I was braver, but I still have like ten of my own bracelets left :(

I'm doing pretty good, my summer is going well! I can't wait to hear about how amazing your show is! <3

[lady-of-the-silver-lakeatron]

Bridgerton Season 3 Episode 3 Initial Reactions

No one asked, but here it is late as per usual.

Not Colin having a harlequin novel style wet dream in 1815? And he is supposed to be a rake??

"My entire thoughts consumed by our kiss"- like we must admit the boy needed 1 (one) kiss and he has gone off into the stratosphere.

Nicola is killing her acting like I am getting into this!

Hyacinth going for Colin's jugular unintentionally 10/10 moment.

“Penelope is quite fortunate to have you as a friend” "Yes an acquaintance". Boy bye.

Not the Queen literally hand picking men for Fran and throwing them away.

Featherington scenes are now just a comedic and terrifying window into how terrible sex education was during this time. I shall refer to them as SexEd the Featherinton way.

Omg Eloise-Pen confrontation! I swear they are so down bad for each other "you can come in... for books if you like". GIRLLLLLLS just bust out some alcohol and talk this out!

Colin and Pen meeting after their scandalous kiss try not to be awkward challenge.

"I assure you nothing of the kind will ever happen again." Penelope bb girl I think this man is besotted and is ready to be on the ground kneeling to have the chance for THAT to happen again.

Every line said here is acted with the utmost panic and adorable awkwardness.

Lord Debling! Interesting love interest has arrived.

Be gone Cressida do not hurt this sweet man with your childish games.

Omg this blue dress on Pen? Is it supposed to be showing that she is leaning to the Bridgerton blue pallet? O.O

Poor Francesca having to suffer another match by the queen.

Violet "because it is easier " may sound harsh but I too would be worried on who this girl would chose with the attitude she has had so far.

Omg MRS. and MR.Mondreitch came to stunt on all these hoes

Benedict panicking to avoid the debutants by socializing with Lady Danbury pfft

Also why is he running so hard from this cute girl? Just announce you are not searching for a wife this season and simply help your sisters!!??  

Ooh Penelope x Debling conversation. They are bantering!!

Never would I have been happy to hear a man say I don't read except when he says "I don't read Lady Whistledown"

Y'all he is being so kind and is clearly into our girl. Giving her all this confidence.

Colin is also being JEALOUS

That's right Eloise tell her Pen can fight dirty.

Okay something to get onto is the "most importantly my choice" for Cressida. Is it really a choice if you are being steered to the man?  

Ah more SexEd the Featherington way I am cackling.

I hope they do something with the Featherinton girl's husbands because they seem very clueless and jolly all the time and to be comedic relief but I know there is something.

Ooh is Pen wearing blue brocade for her dress? While Colin is thirsting over her?

A note on Colin, sir you are in public control yourself!

Okay Lord Debling and Cressida relating on wanting to be away from family is something.

The look of betrayal form Pen to Eloise after she helps Cressida- P:"How dare you" E:"I know I'm sorry "

Is the inheritance of the Kent title story line going to involve social commentary on the constraints of high society and socioeconomic commentary?

I fear we can already see who Benedict will be involved with this season.

Lord Samardagni no hate respectfully but you are not John Stirling.

Violet living vicariously through her kids love lives, mood.

"I love grass" is the new "I hate sand"

Colin being Jelous af at Pen talking to a man when she is literally fighting for her life is a hilarious parallel.

Prudence's husband being down bad and an utter simp for her is cute. But why is Prudence so awkward? I want to explore this (mainly because this man has Kenergy)

Yes, Colin spring into action and save Pen!

Points to the Debling for jumping after Pen!

I am not endeared but Cressida is actually so unhinged and funny

I'm so sorry but I cannot listen seriously to Cheap Thrills after the 2010s tumblr fandom era. Nope.

"No" - Portia Featherington 1815, so rich ppl

Gasp not wearing clothes more than once!

Okay the costume designers are killing it but what in the balloon sleeve monstrosity.

Eloise it’s okay I would run away from marriage talk too.

Francesca: I want a little peace Local Man: I want like 8 kids in fact we need more

OMG Lady Danbury Brother!! What backstory is there? He must be the foreboding visitor. Also, Lady Violet were you flirting?

Fran meeting an appreciator of the quiet!! Is this him?

Do you see her face? She is so shook and excited. That is truly the spark of love!

Benedict getting himself a cougar? A widow? Okay let him have a little treat.

Luke T when they give you a glow up the world will not be prepared like he already looks like that what more can they do??!!

As a middle-class person it is wild how they disdain any form of work, even working to run a respectable business. This is wild.

Colin is simping so hard he keeps longingly staring at Pen. Also Pen's fits  they are blue!!

OMG Penelope's little speech to Debling is so cute and sincere.

Debling is so sweet look how happy he is that he got to know the real Penelope.

Totally forgot he just abandoned Cressida. I know she is sad but I cannot take her seriously with these sleaves.

"The best foundation for great love is friendship" bro how did you know this beforehand, and you didn't once in three years consider "hmmm ... maybe?"

Lord this scene he looks like a man starved. The mutual longing the pining. Oh tasty little treat for sure.

Honestly Colin deserves getting cockblocked let that boy suffer.

SexEd the Featherington way? Like damn that was quick okay.

Yess suffer my boy PII.

This was a fun episode. I will say I'm a bit confused what Benedict's arc will be he seems to get sidelined often and not have that deep of a ploy point. The Kent inheritance story line is starting to make sense, the introduction for it is building up. But most importantly Penelope slowly wearing blue gowns that become lighter in tone!! Ahhh. This is cinema right here. Okay onto the next.

[lillefromsiberia]

Leaving The Gaylor Community

When I started to listen to Taylor Swift, I was so excited. Her voice and her lyrics were a comfort to me. I would fall asleep to her music, I would do my chores to it, it was my obsession and for a person who usually just simply enjoys things it was new and exciting to be so bewitched by something.

I soon realised that some of her songs didn't make sense to me, and while I was researching on what could she mean by some of her lyrics I stumbled upon gaylor theory, and everything made sense. So much sense that I was speechless. All I could do was read countless posts and watch presentations over and over again, because the analysis of her lyrics was SO GOOD and it made SO MUCH SENSE.

I began to feel this spiritual bond with Taylor, as a closeted queer person. I felt like I knew her, and she knew me, even though we have never met and will never meet, but we understood each other. I didn't feel alone.

And, honestly, I also was invested in the drama and the secrets of it all. We all love to gossip, very human (and sometimes very useful) thing to do, so I wanted to talk about it with someone, I wanted to be up to date with gaylor lore, I wanted to read what people think, so I joined Tumblr. And I was not dissapointed.

The humor, the analysis, the theories - all of it was amazing.

And then the drama with the NYT article happened.

At first I was FUMING. I was so annoyed that I even deleted some of what I wrote because I posted some not so chill takes. It was intense. I was intense.

I calmed down in a day, of course, but the conversation was still going, and going... and I started to become curious about what people were saying. I mean, I knew what I agreed with, but what kind of points are they making against that article? Are they all slightly to moderate homophobic, or are there actual valid takes that I haven't seen yet? I wanted to know.

So, yesterday I watched a video by a queer person who was angry about the article. I've read some comments under that video.

I don't remember any arguments/points, but I saw how triggered people were, it stuck with me and I honestly felt bad. They were hurt, scared, angry, frustrated, they lashed out - I mean, everything I did. I know how that feels.

I fell asleep thinking about it all. Their perspective, my perspective, and the questionable importance of me holding on to something that at the end of the day doesn't change anything in my life.

And the truth is that I don't feel okay being a part of this community anymore when I saw how much pain it was causing to queer people. I can't ignore the truth of their emotional experience. Maybe it causes the same pain to Taylor. I don't know and will never know, but the thought of it haunts me and I feel bad.

Also, I realised that I lost control a little bit and started to become delusional at some point. I actually forgot that I don't know her. I grew too confident about my opinions and I began to view them as facts.

So, I choose to leave. This was a wonderful experience that I'll never forget, I've never been a part of a fandom like that. It was awesome.

I feel awkward right now. A lot of you followed me because I was active in the gaylor community. I don't know what I am going to do with this account.

But I know that I will not be a part of the swiftie fandom at all, starting now. If there's a chance that she's straight (and there is, because at the end of the day we don't know for sure) her behaviour during Lover era was not okay and I don't feel comfortable supporting her in this way.

Anyway, feel free to unfollow me, and I am sorry. I know that this post will upset some people who I like on here, and I hope they'll understand that it's just a decision that makes me feel comfortable and at peace. I don't want you to think that I am trying to make a point, I am just updating and explaining my decision because it felt weird and rude to just disappear.

I strongly believe that we all should always decide for ourselves and do what feels right. Keep doing what you think is right for you, babes, I fully support you.

Thank you for being so amazing, kind and smart. I wish you all the best, my darlings.

I loved being a part of this little world with you.

[a-wandering-ghoulette]

While everyone is going wild about the end of this era, here I am, watching, eating my best popcorn. 🍿

More seriously, I'm at peace with seeing Copia moving away. I loved Copia, yet I was already prepared for his "retirement" at the end of the Prequelle era. It's crazy when I think that I followed all of this since 2018. 5 years... So much happened in 5 years in my life, punctuated by Ghost.

Prequelle brought me to Ghost. I remember the discourse amongst fans (and non-fans ofc) about how Ghost was changing too much, wasn't dark anymore and stuff. Meanwhile, I was enjoying that "everything's dark, we're all gonna die, so let's embrace it and dance ~ 🪩✨" vibe the band gave us. Very danse macabre, indeed~ That was exactly what I needed at that time. This album accompanied me during the end of my studies. It got released during my internship in that hell of a firm, bringing the creativity I needed to keep being creative and effective myself. I graduated and got my degree partly thanks to this album (my final project was about Ghost and it was one hell of a project). I saw them live in Nantes in 2019, I had such a blast that I think I got drunk purely out of joy.

Prequelle brought me so much. I was thrilled to know Copia will stay some more time, will become Papa. I was blown by his look. Made some designs I sent to global merch. Then I let time pass...

Impera came in a more awkward time for me. I was confident I would like how it will sound and I was highly intrigued by the concept behind it. On paper, I should have loved this album. Well, I do love it, but something didn't hit home. I think I was just a too deeply affected by life frenchy at that time. The rise and fall of empires. That sounded both ironic and... Not quite accurate (it may sounds a bit harsh, I'm sorry. Idk how to express it better). So the album didn't fully resonate in me for purely personal reasons. Tobias did an awesome job, no doubt about that. With time, I liked the album more and more. Then I fully fell for it when I saw the band in Nice this year.

I'm looking forward to what we'll get next. I'm so curious to see who will replace Copia. We'll get new ghouls look too ?! And a new album~

[thefanficmonster]

Bouquet

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: FLUFF, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having come clean about being single for a very long time now and considering herself completely out of the dating scene, Y/N’s confession is taken and responded to with a ton of kindness, especially from a special someone...

Requested by Anon. Hi hun! Thank you so much for your lovely request, it was such a joy to write! I’m so sorry for the long wait you had to go through but the fic is finally here and I hope you enjoy reading it! Love, Vy ❤

I roll out of bed with little to no desire to start my day. We haven’t got a scheduled stream for today and the clouds glooming in the sky seem to be promising rain so really what do I have to get up for except that it’s a rule society installed?

Just kidding, I’m basically stalling and that’s all.

So what happened was the streamer gang and I were playing Among Us last night and our conversation during the pause between rounds somehow swerved into relationship territory. I stayed quiet the majority of if not all the time because I had no valid input to offer. 

If you know me you know I’m not one of the performers on the dating scene. I have never really confirmed it with my fans - well, until last night, that is - but I bet they have picked up on that fact considering I’ve been on YouTube for around a decade and have never had a partner. That being said, I’d have to also mention that I have in fact dated but someone but it was before my YouTube era started. Me choosing this career path, which back then was just a hobby, had nothing to do with the relationship ending but it still motivated me to not to actively look for a relationship while I’m still focused on my career. It’s too much work, too much stress and requires a lot of balance I most certainly either don’t have or I don’t have the energy to put in balancing my romantic and professional lives. Luckily, no one’s ever pressured me into finding a significant other, not yet at least, so no societal pressure for me!

But I gotta admit I felt real awkward admitting all this last night.

“Hey Y/N what do you think? You’ve been awfully quiet?“ Rae asks, causing me to jolt in my seat from where I’ve been reading my chat for the past five minutes, my mic muted.

I quickly unmute to reply, blushing ever so slightly, “Um, sorry I was reading my chat. What do I think about what?”

“The gesture of giving flowers to your significant other, is it romantic or a waste of money and plant murder?“ Rae explains, still managing to catch me off-guard with her question.

I ponder what my response should be for a little bit before deciding to level it to a neutral level where I almost sound indifferent, “It is in fact plant murder basically and artificial flowers would definitely be a better gift - plus they’ll last longer.”

“Mhmm yeah that’s true.“ Poki agrees with me, “But there’s still the question of whether it’s a romantic gesture or not. I personally don’t think it’s overrated or cheesy, I actually quite like it. What about you, Y/N?“

And now she’s got me in a real trap that I can’t wiggle out of without speaking my truth. I don’t know where this sudden anxiety around the subject came from but it now resides within me rent free and makes me feel self-conscious and embarrassed of the confession I’m inevitably make.

“Um, I wouldn’t know for certain, I’ve never received flowers myself...“ I say sheepishly, cringing at the sound of my own voice, “It’s not like I’ve dated plenty of people and the one guy I did date wasn’t really romantic or anything, I mean - we were teenagers, after all. But when I think about it in theory I think I’d like the gesture: it’s thoughtful, plus you get a temporary but beautiful piece of décor out of it.“

I’m gonna hope I didn’t sound too pitiful or desperate. Of course I’m not gonna check afterward on the stream cause I’d rather live in the illusion of having sounded humorous rather than be given the confirmation that I didn’t.

“Wait, wait, wait, did you date your last boyfriend like a decade ago?“ Corpse is now the one talking and that makes me feel even more anxious. This is not the impression one would want to give to their crush, is it? Oh well, no turning back now.

“Correct.“ I reply with a laugh that I hope didn’t sound as nervous as it was.

“And you’ve never, like in your whole life, received flowers from someone?“ He sounds astonished which sort of makes me want to shrink up in my shell like a turtle. Too bad I don’t have a shell though. I’m genuinely thinking of the option to rip the router out of the outlet right now to save me the troubles but I’m not that immature. I’m surprised I’m even reacting this way - this topic doesn’t usually bother me at all but now for some reason I’m red as a tomato and shrinking in my chair. 

I know what the obvious answer is but I’d rather die than admit to it.

“Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds bad but I really don’t care.“ I make an attempt at changing the subject, swerving it back to the main topic rather than my lack of a love life, “I do, in fact, find the gesture sweet - it adds vibrancy to the relationship just like the flowers would add vibrancy and color to the space they’re put in.“

“Oh my gosh, that’s such a cool analogy!“ Rae gushes, “You’re totally right, it might be an old trick, but it’s aged like fine wine.“

Phew, God bless you Rae.

“Exactly, exactly.“ Corpse agrees as well but I don’t think he’s fully heard what Rae said since he sounds to have fallen in deep thought.

At least I got away with it with only making a SLIGHT nervous wreck of myself.

Yikes, was that horrible, though I don’t people will remember it for long. Sure, my fans have sent me thousands of lovely messages and pictures of bouquets and will maybe continue sending them for another day or two - which I highly appreciate, don’t get me wrong. I’m severely touched by this gesture of theirs and it almost makes me glad I finally ‘came clean’ about my romance-less life - however, it’ll fade overtime. I mean, who the heck cares if I’m single or not?

As I pour the milk over my cheerios which I’ve been snacking on dry for the past half hour as I rifled through the many notifications clogging up my lock screen, I hear the doorbell ring. I’m understandably puzzled by this, seeing as how I never get visitors so that doorbell rings only when I’ve ordered something, be it takeout or a random item off Amazon. However, I can’t remember ordering anything, at least not anything that should be arriving at the moment or even anytime soon - that glow-in-the dark curtain isn’t supposed to arrive until next week.  I make my way to the door, unbothered by the fact I’m still in my pajamas, and take a look through the peephole.

It’s a delivery guy...and he happens to be holding a huge-ass bouquet.

“What the...“ I mutter to myself as I unlock and swing open the door in the blink of an eye, “Hi?“

“Hi there, are you Y/N L/N?“ The delivery guy, who I’ve seen many times before and who I’m on pretty friendly terms with, asks me jokingly, sending a wink my way.

“I sure am.“ I reply, my gaze fixated on the breathtaking flowers he’s holding, “But those can’t be for me, that’s for sure.“

He fishes looks at his clipboard one more time, nodding before he looks back at me, “I double and triple checked, Y/N, they’re for you. Here, have a look if you don’t believe me.” He turns the clipboard  for me to see and he is actually telling the truth. I mean, I doubt he’d have any reason to lie to me but mix-ups happen all the time.

“Um, ok thanks. Sorry for the halt, it’s just...I’d hate to be the recipient of the flowers meant for another girl.” I apologize as I take the bouquet for him, still in awe of the fact I’m the one it was made and meant for and sent to.

I say a quick ‘bye’ to the delivery guy before practically running inside to inspect this bouquet for a card from the sender. I have my guesses: it has to be someone who was present during the stream last night and someone who knows my address. Hopefully it’s someone from my friend group and not a fan who watched the stream and just happens to know my address. I’d still appreciate the gesture, but I’d also install security cameras if that was the case.

Something about the color scheme of the flowers - pink and black - gives me Rae vibes since she constantly teases me about my aesthetics contradicting each other. But then again, Poki does it too so it could be her as well....

Oh...OH GOD IT’S NEITHER OF THEM

                                                               ~ ~ ~

I’ve been sitting here, keeping myself a safe distance from my phone so I’m not the first one to send her a text. So I don’t ask if she got what I sent her. So I don’t ask what she thought of it, how the bouquet looks in her living room, how it smells, how it makes her feel. I have so many questions so that phone is best off at a major distance from me. I’m the one who’s better off with such a huge distance between me and the device, to be perfectly honest.

Was it a bad idea? Should I have slept on it - or just thought about it longer cause sleep and I don’t get along? Should I have at least waited a day or two? Should I-

My phone vibrates with a notification and I practically fly to it from across the room, grabbing it and unlocking it asap. My heart sinks and takes off like a rocket simultaneously when I see I’ve been tagged in Y/N’s Instagram story. I nervously tap the notification that sends me to the picture of the bouquet I sent her with some text written over it.

“Thank you, Romeo ;)“

Somehow that one sentence answers all those aforementioned questions.

Is this what people refer to as butterflies in one’s stomach? Cause it feels significantly more like a crush...oh wait.

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[district2001]

Boyfriend & Bestfriend

Seventeen AU: 14th member

Jangmi x Vernon, Jangmi x NCT Dream

Recap: Jangmi wakes up at an ungodly hour to see a boy she loves, plus her best friend.

Words: 1.2k

AN: Requests are OPEN:

This was meant to be released during Hot Sauce era, but girlie was a bit unorganised and only finished it this week. Also I’ve got my life together so expect weekly oneshots :)

Also also appreciate the numerous NCT song references, and BOYFRIEND REVEAL

Jangmi’s Masterlist

Jangmi slowly closed her shared bedroom door before quietly tip-toeing down the corridor. Her phones torch being used as a guide to not trip over the random jumble of shoes, Lego kits and packages cluttering the hallway.

She turned on the living room light, trying to make as little noise as possible.

“Kim Jangmi”

Her phone dropped from her grasp, and she winced as it hit the hard marble floor.

“What the fuck Vernon” Jangmi whisper shouted, as she bent down to pick up her phone and check for scratches.

Vernon leaned over the kitchen counter, to blow out the candle. He raised his eyebrows as he checked out her outfit. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but that jumper looks familiar?”

Jangmi smirked, as she grabbed a stray black bucket hat which was placed on the tv stand. “Leave it in the bathroom- and it’s mine.” She paused. “Should I be concerned that you’re eating in the dark?”

“Should I be concerned that you’re leaving the dorm at 4:32 in the morning, looking like you’re gonna rob a bank.” Vernon asked, munching on his corn flakes. “Also, I have the candle light. Better for the planet and our wallets”

She laughed sarcastically as she strutted to the kitchen and filled her water bottle with hot water. “What gave it away? The black-on-black outfit or the massive sunnies which cover half my face.”

“I’d rather you sneak out to see your boyfriend, and not that. I don’t think I make enough to bail you out.”

Jangmi reached over and grabbed a spoonful of cereal. “Guess you need to produce more songs then.”

Vernon grabbed his spoon back before handing over one of the reusable masks which were on the counter. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Yeah I know. I know.” Jangmi sighed, putting her mask on. “Go to bed soon. Unless you’re planning on seeing sunrise.”

Vernon muttered something under his breath as she closed the door behind her.

She hopped into Seungcheols’ brother’s old car (which he had gifted for her birthday this year) and popped a piece of chewing gum in her mouth as she drove down the streets of Seoul.

Once she arrived 2 blocks from her destination, she parked her car before whipping out her phone and began typing out a message saying that she’d arrived.

That was until she was rudely interrupted by knocking on the window.

Jangmi scoffed and unlocked the car, letting the two masked figures in the car.

“We have about 5 minutes till the others get here.”

“Could’ve had more but someone arrived a bit late.”

Jangmi turned around so she was facing the back seat. “Oh Fuck off Mark. There was a line at Maccas”

Mark lowered his mask before leaning over to the front and stealing a sip from her chocolate frappe.

She swatted his arm, before offering some of her drink to the boy in the passenger seat who was putting on his seatbelt despite the car being parked.

“Want some?”

“I’d rather kiss you.” And with that comment, Jangmi’s mask was quickly pulled down as her boyfriend gave her a quick peck.

“Listen guys, I know we’re all best friends here but like I’d prefer not sitting at the back when y’all are both sucking face.”

“One kiss Mark. One kiss.” Jangmi laughed, before grabbing her boyfriends’ hand, and placing it on her lap. “I know you’re jealous you’re not getting some but stop ruining the moment.”

“You would be getting some if you went on the blind date I set you up with.”

“Listen, I love you honey. But she was such a horrible pair for Mark. They’re both so busy, they would never find time for each other.”

“Yet he still has time to third wheel our dates…” Her boyfriend mumbled as he began adjusting the review mirror so he could fix up his hair.

“He’s my best friend, what do you expect.” Mark held out his hand for a fist bump, and Jangmi happily obliged. Ignoring the whine from her boyfriend for letting go of his hand. “Canada line for life!”

“You’re not even Canadian!”

“I basically made that groupchat what it is today.”

“Still not as elite as the 2000-line group chat.”

“Do I also need to remind you, I am also apart of that.”

“What’s up with you and joining groupchats you’re not apart of. Honestly.”

Mark reached over to grab another sip of the drink. “Do you both act coupley in that aswell? Cos Jaemin says you both are completely normal.”

Her boyfriend laughed before placing his hoodie over his hair again. “Only you get to see our romance in action.”

“I’d rather not.” Mark grumbled before clapping his hands. “We need to decide what we’re gonna do this weekend.”

“Should we do a movie night?” Jangmi suggested, squeezing her boyfriend’s thigh. “You wanted to watch the ‘To all the boy I loved series’.”

He nodded in confirmation. “Our dorm or yours?”

“Jeno said he wanted to watch it as well” Mark added. “So I think we can do ours?”

“Perfect! I’ll bring the snacks. And definitely some hot sauce.” Jangmi chuckled at her wordplay.

Her boyfriend smiled fondly at her, before pushing some strands of hair out of her face. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“And you’re lucky I love Chenle. That boy is so talented. Do one of you think he would go on a date with me?” She gushed, holding both her hands to her chest.

Her boyfriend grabbed her hands, before peppering them with kisses. “Still love him?” Jangmi couldn’t hold back her smile, her heart overflowing with warmness.

She looked into her lovers eyes, and subconsciously leaned over, with him mirroring her actions. Just when their lips grazed each other, Mark interrupted them by clearing his throat.

“I’m not sorry for interrupting this shit, but the rest of the guys have arrived.” He leaned forward, pushing his groupmate back, and gave Jangmi a very awkward car hug.

“Later loser.” Mark exited the car, giving her a casual salute.

Jangmi watched as he got into the NCT Dream van. Switching the drink to his right hand, as he opened the car door.

“Wait. My Chocolate frappe!” She shrieked, just realising that her drink had gotten stolen.

Her boyfriend laughed, before pecking her lip. “Vote for us today?”

Jangmi went in for another kiss. “When don’t I?”

“Can we call tonight?” He asked, rubbing his thumb up and down her hand.

She nodded, “I think we’re filming a dance practise video. I’ll try my best.”

He pouted before leaning in for another kiss. This one softer and longer than the rest.

Jangmi pulls away, taking a moment to appreciate her boyfriend. She parted his hair to have a clearer view of his sparkling eyes. Her favourite feature.

“Go before they horn us again.” She chuckled. “Also tell Mark he’s an asshole.”

“I don’t understand how you both are best friends” He muttered under his breath, as he unbuckled his seatbelt and readjusted the review mirror back into its original position.

He gave her one last kiss, pulled his hood down over his face and got out of the car.

Jangmi rolled down the passenger window, so he could rest his elbows the window frame.

“I love you Kim Rydel.” He whispered.

Jangmi smiled, before leaning over as far as she could towards the window.

“I love you too. Lee Donghyuck.”

[cheri-translates]

One-shot: When you meet your ideal type at a blind date

Original author: 八重垂樱 (ba zhong chui ying)

Original title: 相亲对象遇到理想型怎么办 (source)

🍒 Warning: Slightly suggestive! 🍒

1.

I’m going on a blind date.

-

2.

Why am I going on a blind date? Why else? Because of my mom.

My mom is someone who doesn’t have lofty aspirations. Ever since she retired, her life goal has been to watch me walk down the aisle. I can’t fathom why she’s so certain that I’d remain single for life without her help. Anyway, this is how conversations typically unfold in my household:

Mom: Auntie Zhang and Uncle Zhang from next door are watching a movie over the weekend.

Me: Which movie do you and Dad want to watch? I’ll order the tickets.

Mom: That’s not the main point.

Me: Huh?

Mom: When are you bringing someone to the movies?

Me: ...

Mom: Whether they’re male or female doesn’t matter. You should know that our family isn’t conservative.

Me: Fine, fine.

-

3.

I just don’t understand - what’s so good about being married? Are games not fun enough? Are variety shows not interesting enough?

Also, I’m still working hard to save up for an apartment. The earlier I move out, the less I have to watch my parents being all gooey and affectionate with each other.

Spending time on someone who has nothing to do with me - isn’t that silly?

-

4. 

During the New Year celebration, my mom went into a frenzy after my cousin brought her boyfriend home.

During the Qingming Festival, another cousin brought her boyfriend home.

I asked, “Who in the world brings their partner to meet the family during the Qingming Festival?”

[Trivia] Qingming Festival is also known as “Tomb Sweeping Day” - a traditional Chinese festival where people sweep tombs and commemorate their ancestors

Anyway, my mom gave me an ultimatum after the Qingming Festival. I could either go on a blind date, or move out and rent an apartment by myself. 

She knew exactly where to strike where it hurt most.

When I tapped open the calculator app on my phone, I quickly realised just how far the funds in my bank account were from getting an apartment.

Fine, a blind date it shall be. I’d just treat it as though I’m meeting an online friend.

As long as I didn’t feel awkward, it’d be fine.

-

5. 

I never expected the other party to be so handsome!

How should I put it... 

When I first saw him, the phrases from novels I read over the past twenty years seemed to spring up like bamboo shoots after a spring rain. 

Phrases like “sculpted brows”, “eyes reminiscent of stars”, “magnificent looks”, “extraordinary poise”, “a vast sky full of stars reflected on a lake”...

Hang on, the last one isn't correct, sorry.

It’s definitely not because my emotions are akin to an undulating lake with endless ripples.

-

6.

He’s a police officer.

Police officers are great - they uphold virtue and condemn evil, remain steadfast to justice, look tempting in uniforms...

Stop!

So here’s where the questions flood in.

With such an appearance and occupation, he doesn’t seem like someone who would be lacking in pursuers. It’d be as easy as throwing a basketball into a university classroom - he’d definitely hit at least three targets with ease.

Excusing myself to touch up on my makeup, I head into the washroom, splashing some cold water on my face. Then, I pinch myself on the arm.

I’m not dreaming. 

Why would he be on a blind date?

I’m utterly confused.

Oh yes, his name is Gavin.

Even his name sounds nice.

From head to toe, he’s my ideal type.

-

7.

As for why I haven’t found a partner, the reason is pretty simple.

It’s probably due to the “poison” I imbibed since young, which took the form of romance novels, shoujo manga and otome games. They framed my unrealistic expectations of love that there was definitely one person on earth who was 100% born just for me.

The so-called “destined romance”.

If I can’t find Mr 100%, why would I settle for anyone else? Instead, I should work hard and strive to be financially stable.

In this era, marriage isn’t a necessity.

What about Gavin then?

Why doesn’t he have a girlfriend?

-

8.

While ruminating on the puzzle of Gavin’s unmarried status, I whip out my makeup tools, being only ten times more meticulous than before. Walking back with a strange sense of anticipation, my mind is filled with potential conversation topics with Gavin...

I didn’t expect for reality to whack me on the face the moment I returned.

A slender sized man is standing beside Gavin, his head lowered as he speaks into Gavin’s ear. He looks pretty suspicious. As though sensing something, Gavin lifts his head suddenly, his gaze landing on me from across several tables. The other man follows suit, the paper bag in his hand plopping onto the table, knocking over a glass of water.

I know this person.

He’s the ex-classmate who sat beside me in high school, and traded ten cups of milk tea with my homework so he could copy it.

Minor.

-

9.

Gavin: ...

Minor: [stuttering] O-old classmate, long time no see. I... Bro Gavin... we...

I pat him on the shoulder with force, giving him a knowing smile. “It’s okay, there’s no need to explain. I understand completely.”

It couldn’t have been clearer.

It thoroughly explains why Gavin hasn’t had a girlfriend, why Minor would appear during the blind date, and why the both of them look as though they have a guilty conscience.

After staring at Gavin for half a minute, the tips of his ears start to turn red, a hint of indignation flashing in his amber eyes.

Tsk tsk tsk.

At a fiery speed, a tragic play writes itself in my mind. Lovers whose romance was not tolerated by society. One was forced to go on a blind date, and the other watched on in the restaurant secretly, yearning for a love that he couldn’t let go of...

-

10.

Minor: H-hello... old classmate? Old classmate, why are you in a daze?

I return to my senses from Episode 17 of the tragic play.

Minor: Let me explain. This isn’t what you think...

Me: No need, I understand.

I glance at him, then glance at Gavin. He’s painstakingly handsome. His cold expression makes him even more charming.

I lament in my heart. “Classmate Minor, on account of those cups of milk tea from back then, I’ll help you out!”

It might have been my misperception, but when I mentioned milk tea, Gavin’s expression was a little strange.

-

11.

Since we aren’t on a proper blind date, there’s no need to eat expensive French cuisine. 

Gavin insists on giving me a treat. After thinking about it, I offer a suggestion. “Let’s go to Lynn’s Kitchen near high school. I haven’t been there in a while, and it isn't far from here.”

Gavin probably doesn’t know of that noodle shop, so I explain. “Minor and I used to go there often when we were in school. The noodles there are really good. There won’t be any left if we’re late.”

Gavin: I know.

Me: Huh?

Gavin: There’s a row of ginkgo trees along the street outside the noodle shop. The falling leaves in autumn are really beautiful. Stray cats often appear at the roadside, and would roll around. When it rains...

“Bro Gavin is two years our senior... I mentioned him a lot back then!” Minor interrupts with a mumble.

He did? I probe my memories, and seem to have some recollection of it. But my memories of high school have been consumed by test questions and novels. Back then, Minor would spout nonsense beside me, his words entering my right ear before leaving through the left.

Have he and Gavin been together since high school?

What a heart-wrenching romance...

-

12.

To express my amicableness, I hook an arm with Gavin, intending to hook the other with Minor next.

Before I can even reach Minor, Gavin tugs me on the arm, pulling me towards him.

Whoa, so he’s the only one who can touch Minor?

How possessive.

Outside the shop, a question suddenly occurs to me. What if my mom was hiding in a corner and observing this blind date?

Me: Gavin, play along with me. My mom might be nearby.

Gavin arches his brows, strangely cooperative as he places his hand on my shoulder. He lowers his head and leans towards my ear, the warmth of his breath twirling the stray hairs at my ear. It’s a little ticklish.

“No problem. Anytime.”

-

13.

You can’t blame me. I’m an ordinary salaried worker who has never dated in over twenty years.

If an electrocardiogram was measuring my heart rate, the data would have leapt out of the screen when Gavin spoke into my ear. If I could just pretend that I never saw Minor, I’d have a talk with Gavin about our marriage, which house to buy, whether we should adopt a cat or a dog, and how many kids we should have.

But that’s wrong.

Minor’s my good classmate. I need to be loyal to our friendship.

-

14. 

The boss of Lynn’s Kitchen actually recognised Gavin, which makes me wonder if I suffered from memory loss.

Wait. Since I could still recognise Minor, that shouldn’t be the case.

I heard that Gavin was a famous figure back in high school.

What was I doing at that time?

Probably reading books with a goal to earn big bucks.

Ugh. Why didn’t I know Gavin before Minor did?

-

15.

Gavin says something to the boss, and the latter returns to the kitchen. While I’m still waiting for him to take my order, the noodles are served.

A bowl of my favourite tomato and pig intestine noodles is placed before me. Gavin has a bowl of spicy beef noodles, and Minor... Minor is just having plain noodles served in a simple broth?

Is this meant to maintain his figure?

Hang on, how does Gavin know that I like pig intestine noodles? Could this be the instincts of a police officer? That’s amazing!

-

16.

When I lift my eyes, my gaze happens to meet Gavin’s. His eyes brighten, the flowing light in them akin to a galaxy submerged in the ocean.

His lips, which have chilli oil on them, look really nice.

His fingers, which are holding the chopsticks, look really nice.

His Adams’ apple, which bobs as he swallows, looks really nice too.

...

No way, I have principles.

If I were to continue dwelling on this, the watch on my wrist might automatically call the ambulance if my heart beats too quickly.

-

17.

“Cough.”

I wipe my mouth clean, take a sip of water, clear my throat, and embark on the long speech I prepared. “My mum has always been pushing me to go on blind dates. But I really don’t have the time nor emotional capacity to date right now.”

Unless the other party is you, I add silently.

Me: I understand the situation the two of you are in. Gavin, you were probably pressured by your family to come for this blind date too, weren’t you?

Gavin glances at me, not expressing an opinion.

Me: Here’s what I’m thinking. Since we both need a partner as a cover up, why don’t we collaborate? We’ll treat this as a successful blind date. From today onwards, Gavin will be my boyfriend, and I’ll be your girlfriend. In name only, of course. We just need to fend off our families.

Gavin: Hm.

Me: Don’t laugh. I’m serious.

Minor is about to say something. But after receiving a glance from Gavin, all he does is mumble, “I’m buying milk tea” before vanishing.

That’s good. Without him around, I’d feel more at ease. After all, I’m “borrowing” his boyfriend.

-

18.

Me: I know that you fancy someone.

Gavin: You do?

MC: Even a blind person can tell.

Gavin: Really?

Me: Don’t beat around the bush. I’ll get straight to the point. I’m pretty low maintenance, so I won’t trouble you unnecessarily. At most, I’ll invite you over to my house for meals, to watch movies, and things like that.

Gavin: Are you sure?

MC: I’m 100% sure!

Gavin gives me a meaningful glance.

-

19.

Wait, my response seemed a little odd.

-

20.

By the time Minor returns with three cups of milk tea, Gavin and I have already reached a mutual understanding. I won’t probe into his personal love life, and I’d simply be his girlfriend in name.

To be honest, I’m not happy about it.

The breeze of early summer courses past, and the honeysuckles bloom vibrantly.

Music drifts over from someone’s house.

“The sun’s a little hot, and it might have gone to my head

My heart is beating quickly, and I can’t stop it from dancing

As I accidentally fall into your gentle trap...”

I want to fall in love.

-

21.

Gavin is a perfect boyfriend.

He’s handsome, has a good figure, personality, hobbies, income, incredible chemistry... as well as double standards.

Quoting from his colleague, “Captain Gavin’s a completely different person when he’s with Sis-in-law.”

I think to myself, your “Sis-in-law” is someone else. And Gavin’s just an astounding actor. Next time, I’ll vote for him as the “Best Actor in the Police Industry”.

If someone was truly willing to place me at the top of his heart, and would treat me differently from how he treats everyone else - what a blessing that would be. 

Especially if that person was Gavin.

Today is a day in which I almost feel like murdering Minor from envy.

-

22.

If I had to find a flaw of Gavin, it’d be how he’s overly affectionate. When we’re together, he's so sweet that it’s as though all the strawberry ice-cream in the world turned into pink coloured bubbles, exploding into tiny honey fireworks, sweet mist pouring all over him. Who could resist that!

Whenever he sends me home after a date, I’d find myself lamenting. Minor must have saved the galaxy in his past life in order to have such luck.

I have to admit - Minor’s been really cooperative. Ever since Gavin and I agreed to pretend to be a couple, he’s rarely appeared in front of us. Gavin even seems to spend less time with Minor than with me.

I must be overthinking.

-

23.

Actually, I don’t get to see Gavin much because of work. Sometimes, we won’t meet for a month. When we arrange for a meal, we have to fix a date weeks in advance.

However, we still manage to go through all the motions of what dating couples do: eat, watch movies, spend the holidays together.

He’s met my parents and had a discussion about marriage with them. He’s obtained full marks in terms of work ethic and honouring his word.

Anyway, they can discuss it as extensively as they want, but whether we end up tying the knot is a decision left to us.

They couldn’t possibility take our household registers and force us to get married.

-

24.

They really can’t take our household registers and force us to get married?

-

25.

Once, I couldn’t help but ask, “Why do you like Minor?”

He glanced at me from the side, and I quickly continued. “I’m not saying that it’s wrong. I’m just curious.”

He curled his index finger and tapped it against my forehead. Then, he stuffed the candy floss he just bought into my hand. “Let’s go. I want to ride the Small Airplanes.”

Me: Weren’t we going to queue for the carousel?

Gavin: I want to ride the Small Airplanes.

Me ...can I suggest a different opinion?

Gavin: Nope.

Tsk. If he didn’t want to tell me, then so be it.

The lanterns were strung up, and the colourful bulbs in the amusement park twinkled in the hazy glow. I took a fierce bite out of the wolf-shaped candy floss, the other hand pulling on the hem of his clothes as I usually did.

Why did I feel as though he was laughing at me in secret?

-

26.

Also, why did he take the pink rabbit-shaped candy floss and give me the wolf-shaped candy floss instead?

-

27.

Over the New Year, I bring Gavin over to my house for reunion dinner. Hearing the news, my aunts, uncles and cousins come over with several bottles of white spirit. I’m sitting at the side anxiously, afraid that he’d expose the truth about us while in a drunken stupor. 

Seeing a red hue surfacing on Gavin’s face, I hastily tug on his arm.

Me: Stop drinking. Your face is all red.

Gavin: It’s polite to drink with the elders. I’m not drunk, don’t worry.

Me: People who are drunk never think they’re drunk. I’ll drink this cup on your behalf.

My relatives start hollering. “Dearie, you’re already siding with Little Gav even before marriage. Truly, girls leave the nest completely once they’re married.”

With this, Gavin’s face turns even redder. It’s clear from a glance that he’s definitely drunk despite what he said. I grumble, snatching the cup of white spirit and downing it myself, thinking it’d just be slightly stronger than beer.

Ack, it’s awful!

A hand pats my back gently, and a cup of warm water is brought to my lips. Amid the laughter from my relatives and my teary eyes, I hear Gavin’s voice.

It’s very soft, and brings with it a smile.

“Silly.”

-

28.

I walk Gavin out.

Winter evenings are incredibly cold. Our breaths form wisps of white mist, just like magic.

Me: Are you okay?

Gavin: Nope.

Me: Huh?

Gavin takes a step towards me, bending down and leaning his forehead against mine.

Gavin: I drank too much. Let me stay like this for a while.

Hey, Gavin. It’s fine to use me as a crutch, but is this position really necessary?

The scent of alcohol seeps from the open neckline of his coat, gradually encasing me within it. Both of our breaths intertwine, and the atmosphere is subtle.

I feel my face growing warm, almost bursting into flames.

It must be the white spirit’s fault.

Fine, this position isn’t that bad.

-

29.

When gorgeous fireworks explode in the sky above us, Gavin lifts his head, leaving a kiss on my forehead.

“Happy New Year, my... girlfriend.” 

-

30.

At 3am, I give Willow a call.

“What does a forehead kiss mean?”

“Familial love, friendliness, affection - just pick one.” She yawns.

“I don’t want any of those.”

“Okay. Bye.”

-

31.

I just can’t fall asleep. The more I think about what happened in the evening, the faster my heart beats.

I grab my phone, making another call.

Me: Can I snatch Gavin away from Minor?

Willow: You can.

Me: Really?

Willow: I’m absolutely sure.

Me: How do I take action? Any suggestions?

Willow: Ask him out, press him onto the bed, then sleep with him.

“I’m being serious!” I shout, slightly irritated. “I genuinely want him to be my boyfriend, and not just to act in front of parents.”

Willow: Miss, if you’re genuine, you should take action! What’s the time now... It’s 5.27am, and you’ve been perplexed about this for two hours on the phone. Why not use this time to knock on his door and confess your feelings? You can still make it in time to share the first meal of the new year together.

Me: I don’t want do that.

Willow: In that case, I’ll call him for you. Give me his number. You’re welcome. Since we’re close friends, just treat me to ten meals of hotpot and a month of milk tea.

Me: Get lost!

-

32.

I did think of knocking on Gavin’s door.

But what if I see Minor when the door opens?

Come to think of it, it’s been a long time since either of us mentioned him.

Flipping through the yearbook bright and early on the first day of the new year, I discover that Gavin appeared countless times in the photos from my time in Year 1..

The library, basketball court, music room, rooftop...

He’s always in an inconspicuous spot in the background, and I never noticed.

-

33.

Once a person thinks about love, they will feel lovesick.

-

34.

After the Spring Festival, what comes next is Valentine’s Day.

Gavin told me since a while ago that his bureau was conducting team building activities over Valentine’s Day at a hot spring resort in the outskirts, and asked me to go with him.

Even though I don’t understand why there’d be team building activities during Valentine’s Day, a hot spring resort sounds very tempting.

Furthermore, I’d get to see how a certain person looks half naked...

I’ll never admit the sheer number of mental images I conjured.

Hang on. Is Gavin secretly bringing Minor along and using me as a cover?

That doesn’t seem to be an impossibility.

Just as I’m holding up a few swimsuits and hesitating on which one to purchase, my phone rings.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

It’s Minor.

-

35.

Minor: Sis... old classmate.

Me: [cautious] What’s up?

Minor: Let’s meet for a meal at Lynn’s Kitchen.

Me: What’s this about? I’m pretty busy these days, so we might have to pick another day.

Minor: It’s about you. I’ll see you at 12pm.

-

36.

This is the first time I’m applying makeup to meet Minor.

A smokey eye coupled with an appropriate shade of lipstick. Suitable for meeting a love rival.

It’s been half a year since we last met. Minor looks the same as always, albeit a little guilty.

Shouldn’t I be the one feeling guilty?

Harbouring our own ulterior motives, we finish our noodles. After giving it some thought, I decide to initiate the showdown.

Me: I’m going to a hot spring resort with Gavin tomorrow.

Minor: I know.

I’m taken aback. Gavin told him about it? My confidence wanes.

Me: Are you going?

Minor: Why would I be going?

Me: ...then why’d you ask me out?

Minor: [stuttering] If I lied to you about something, would you beat me up?

Me: Do I look like I have the ability to beat you up?

Minor: You could ask Bro Gavin to do it.

Me: He can’t bear to.

Minor hesitates. Then, he sighs. “Anyway, if you ever realise that I’ve lied to you, you have to forgive me. I really didn’t mean to do it. I was forced.”

-

37.

Mulling over it afterwards, the expression in Minor’s eyes from earlier gave me the impression that he was dealing with two fools.

I take out my phone and send a message: What could Minor possibly lie to me about?

Before Willow replies, my mom pushes open the door to my room and asks if I prefer amber walnuts or salted walnuts.

“Amber. Definitely amber.”

While spacing out, I send another message: Do you think it’d work if I bribe Eli and the others to lock Gavin and I in a room then toss the key away?

While munching on a walnut, two new notifications appear on my phone.

Willow: Nobody knows that Minor is thinking. Don’t mind him. Instead, think of how to handle your boyfriend tomorrow.

Gavin: There’s no need for Eli and the others. I could give it a try.

! ! !

My fingers slipped earlier!

-

38.

I’m doomed.

-

39.

Can I change my mind about going to the hot spring resort?

-

40.

I can’t.

Which is why I’m currently seated on a tatami in the Japanese-styled room, watching as a certain officer sticks the key into the doorknob, locking us in from the outside with a dead serious expression. Then, he opens the window and tosses the key out.

It’s not a good idea to throw things so haphazardly. What if it hits a child? Even if it doesn’t hit a child, the flowers and grass would feel pain too.

Ooh... now’s not the time to worry about such things.

The smile on Gavin’s face has a tinge of slyness in it, and it reminds me of the cartoon I watched in my childhood - how the Big Bad Wolf successfully devoured the Little Red Riding Hood after much effort.

It finally dawns on me that in hindsight, things have been odd since the very beginning.

Me: Gavin...

Gavin: Hm?

Me: Is there something you want to tell me? About the blind date from a year ago, and Minor?

Gavin: There’s no hurry.

He walks over to the door, hand resting on the light switch.

“The door’s locked from the outside. The key has been tossed out. We have an entire night.”

The light turns off.

-

41.

I used to be curious about how it feels to be touched by skin which was calluses from long-term wielding of guns.

Now, I’m no longer curious.

-

42.

Gavin actually prepared protection beforehand.

Saying that he planned this from the start doesn't count as maligning him.

I’ll settle the score with him eventually. And with Minor too!

-

43.

During a break in the middle:

Me: So you’ve been serious since the start?

Gavin: Yes.

Me: I was mistaken all this time? Why didn’t either of you tell me! Senior Gavin, that’s so unreasonable! 

Gavin: You were really nervous when we first met, and you only relaxed after the misunderstanding happened. To me, that wasn’t a bad thing. We could date naturally, and wouldn’t have to treat each other as people who were forced together by a blind date.

Thinking about how I’ve always been averse to blind dates, what he said makes sense.

Me: It’s still wrong to lie! Police officers can’t lie!

Gavin: I didn’t lie. I just...

He flips me over, leaning close to my earlobe and giving it a nibble.

“I just didn’t tell you that your guess was wrong.”

It’s true that he never admitted to dating Minor, and I simply took his silence as tacit agreement. As expected of Officer Gavin!

-

44.

“The last question!” I struggle to stop Gavin’s hands from roaming further. “Why was Minor at the restaurant that day?”

“Minor has always been giving me ideas on how to pursue you. Since high school.”

Gavin bites my finger, then gives it a kiss. The room is pitch-black, but his eyes are as bright as a midsummer starry sky, filled with a gentle smile.

“Before you even knew who I was, I already liked you.”

-

45.

I’m getting married.

Marriage is pretty nice. It’s true.

I don’t know if this is my destined romance, but that person is Gavin.

And that’s enough.

More original and translated writings: here

-

[ Permission to Translate ]

八重垂樱: Sure, thank you for liking it

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

Stories I haven’t read yet, but clearly need to put on my ever-expanding List.

~*~

Welcome back queen [Thank you, it’s so lovely to be back!] if ur still doing follower recs I gotta recommend I would wait for a thousand years by bleuett it’s soooooooo good

[This one was actually recced to me by two different people, the other of whom said, “ Maybe I'm crying a little so I feel like a should recommend ‘I would wait for a thousand years’ by bleuett on ao3.”]... it’s def. on my List!

I would wait for a thousand years

by bleuett (T, 10k, wangxian)

Summary:  During the worst of winter, a traveler comes to stay at Lan Wangji's inn. He wears a red ribbon in his hair.

“Do you see the rabbit?” Wei Ying asks and points at the moon. “That’s the moon rabbit, he helps make Chang’e more immortality elixir. He keeps Chang’e company.”

“I do not wish the rabbit for company,” Lan Wangji says tightly. “You are the one I want by my side.”

“And I’m here, Lan Zhan. If you go to the moon, I’ll follow you, I’ll always be here now.”

~*~

I just read a great fic by aisthuu "every love story is a ghost story", didn't see it in your recs so wanted to recommend it! LWJ is a guqin composer and teacher, buys a cheap guqin off eBay which ends up being attached to WWX's spirit from canon era. It's bittersweet, LWJ deals with Lan's homophobia (implicit in a Lan way) and his feelings towards the ghost. This is author's only ao3 fic and honestly I don't remember how I stumbled upon it, but I'm happy I did and hope you will enjoy it too!  [I’ve recently read this one, and loved it!]

every love story is a ghost story

by aisthuu (M, 59k, wangxian, my bookmark)

Summary:  The man is in Lan Zhan’s bed. Did they—he begins to wonder, eyes trailing to where the man’s body lies under the blanket. Had Lan Zhan—?

Then the sleep-fog clears and Lan Zhan realizes that the young man isn’t quite opaque around the edges.

“You’re a spirit.”

The spirit narrows its eyes. “I’m so much more than that.”

(Lan Zhan buys a guqin off eBay for a suspiciously low price, only to find that it’s haunted. And now there’s a ghost in his bed.)

~*~

Ok so I absolutely have to rec "see you yesterday" by glyphic. It's a wip, but it's currently at 101k so there's a whole lot there, and it's terrible and wonderful and beautiful all at once. The way the backstory of canon events is adapted to the modern-with-cultivation setting is brilliant, and then there's the amnesia, and then there's the time loop. This fic lives permanently rent-free in my brain.

see you yesterday

by glyphic (M, 101k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  

Wei Ying 21:09 hey lan zhan what’s the weirdest way youve died

Lan Zhan 21:11 Falling encyclopedias.

Wei Ying 21:12 omg no way that’s so rude turning books against you???

Lan Zhan 21:13 A betrayal I will never forget.

On Halloween night, an exiled demonic cultivator and a Lan disciple get stuck in a time-loop, find each other, and try to figure it all out.

~*~

If you are looking for recs for yourself I absolutely love (the complete!) story Just as the Snow Melts by draechali on AO3. It's a canon divergence where everyone lives, even WWX! ~ @airmidcelt

Just as the Snow Melts

by draechaeli (T, 67k, wangxian)

Summary:  Like a snowy mountain top in spring the residents of the Burial Mounds trickled down the mountain and joined the flow of society.

“I went to the Burial Mounds,” Lan WangJi said.

“Ah, yeah… I’m sorry Lan Zhan,” replied Wei WuXian, “I hadn’t thought anyone would come to visit. I am still not sure how it happened; I brought A-Yuan to Yiling to play by the river and then ended up somehow teaching a bunch of children swimming and writing along with him.”

~*~

Hello! It's come to my attention that you have not as yet read Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation! Please do! It's the only thing that gave me joy during 2020 😆 like proper belly laughs and disney villain style cackling. It is a wip, and it is long but so so worth it!! The author has reworked the entire canon through these message crystals and still conveys complex characters despite the tricky format. It's just so good!! Highly highly recommend it! ❤ ~ @theladypeartree  [Oh!  I’ve been subscribed to this one, and know that @swaglexander-the-great is a reliable provider of Hilarity, so I’m excited for it to be finished!]

Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation 

by Hades_the_Blingking (T, 49k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  The Untamed universe is exactly the same, except everybody has magical crystals that have a suspiciously familiar messaging system. The story is pretty much the same as the show, except everyone lives!! (so minor changes).

or in which Wei WuXian tries his darndest to date Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng possibly has a aneurysm, Jin ZiXuan is still the most awkward human alive, and Xue Yang makes me write some VERY cursed things. Written in chatfic format! :3

~*~

Chomrafy on AO3 deserves love and encouragement; she’s written a body of compact, poetic, and eloquent shortfics each of which can stand alone, but that comprise an intricately cross-referential and mostly internally-consistent universe. They’re grouped as chapters in works according to theme; for example, “in cupped hands” focuses upon Jin Ling and his second-generation baggage; “Departure in Autumn” portrays the last years of WWX’s first life. Follow the tag “Chomrafy’s MDZS shortfics.” [I don’t see this tag?]

in cupped hands

by chomrafy (G, 2k, wangxian)

Summary:  Of secrets, of futures, of love. A Jin Ling-centric collection of 200-word fics.

Ch.1: Jin Ling repays a debt (JL, JC, & WWX). Ch.2: Jin Ling and a ghost in the mirror. (JL & JYL) Ch.3: A matter of friends (JL & the other kids) Ch.4: In this house we don't keep dogs (JC & WWX) Ch.5: In the end, he remains silent (JL & uncles) Ch.6: A first night hunt, of sorts (JL & the other kids) Ch.7: Jin Ling, forgiving, forgetting (JL & LXC & JGY) Ch.8: Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling argue (JL, JC, & WWX) Ch.9: Jin Ling and his father (JL & JC) Ch.10: Jin Ling speaks up (JL, JC, & WWX) Ch.11: Jin Ling and a piece of home (JL, JC, & WWX)

Departure in Autumn

by chomrafy (not rated, 6k)

Summary:  Four perspectives. A steady march to the end.

Ch.1: Because if anything happens to them, Wen Qing would never be able to heal with these hands again. Ch.2: As long as this is still home, Jiang Yanli will wait as long as she needs to. Ch.3: Five times Jiang Cheng reaches for Wei Wuxian, one time he turns away. Ch.4: Whether the road is broad or narrow, bright or dark, they would have to keep walking. Wei Wuxian digs Wen Qing's grave.

~*~

Hello, hope all is going well. I don't have an ask, by I do have a recommendation. I read this fic a while ago and found it again. I just wanted to recommend this for everyone. Let me know what you think please. Thank you. [Oh!  This one’s in my To Read list, but  I’d forgotten about it.  Mmmm, fox!wwx and dragon!lwj.]

Ten miles of Lotus Flowers

by Yukirin_Snow

M, 274k, wangxian

Summary:  He was a mischievous fox spirit, wreaking havoc where he went, about to depart on a journey that would span centuries.

He was a heavenly prince, a proud dragon destined to ascend the throne to become emperor.

Neither expected their paths to collide over the span of three lives.

~*~

I forgot if it was your blog 😥 that recommended “Bestseller” (when Wei Wuxian writes the Xianxia cut-sleeve equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, based entirely on his experiences with Lan Wangji, he doesn’t expect it to become the next big hit) (https://archiveofourown.org/works/21528316/chapters/51318766)

But OMG IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! I LOVED IT!! And if it wasn’t your blog, I’m so sorry for how weird this sounds 😭😭😭😭 I just loved this fic so much that I have to tell it to someone 😢 [It’s on my List, but I haven’t read it yet!]

Bestseller

by pupeez4eva

M, 8k, wangxian

Summary:  He had written the book to prove a point. It was never supposed to be a big thing, and he certainly never intended for everyone — Jiang Cheng, Zewu-Jun, the Juniors, literally everyone— to be reading about his sex life.

Oh God, he definitely needed to make sure Lan Zhan didn’t find out about this.

(Or, when Wei Wuxian writes the Xianxia cut-sleeve equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, based entirely on his experiences with Lan Wangji, he doesn’t expect it to become the next big hit).

~*~

I’d like to rec On Your Marks, Get Set, Bake! by @blackwiresgrowonherhead

It’s one of my absolute favorites and I laughed out loud so many times when reading it

on your marks, get set, bake!

by BlackWiresOnHerHead

G, 41k, wei wuxian & juniors

Summary:  Jin Ling resumes thumping on the door to room 721, and the small collection of freshmen starts chanting “Senior Wei! Senior Wei! Senior Wei!” with increasing volume until finally Wei Wuxian opens the door.

“Yes?” he says with his widest, most innocent eyes.

“Senior Wei!” demands Lan Jingyi, shoving himself to the front of the group. “Why didn’t you tell us you’re a contestant on this year’s season of The Great Gusu Bake Off?!?��

--

Several months ago, college student Wei Wuxian secretly competed in the most popular reality show in the country. The show starts airing in the fall. The freshmen in his dorm collectively lose their minds.

~*~

If you're in the mood for v. short ridiculous fun fic, may I suggest My chain hits my chest/When I'm bangin' on the radio by x_los It's 2k modern cultivators AU, featuring WWX calling LWJ's sword Bitchin' [omg I’m laughing so hard] and I think it's more fun going in blind?

My chain hits my chest/When I'm bangin' on the radio

by x_los

T, 2k, wangxian

Summary:  Lan Wangji finds he doesn't even need to call for help for Wei Wuxian to come running.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

 -you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality. 

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime. 

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that. 

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances. 

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted. 

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile. 

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy. 

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche. 

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed. 

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms). 

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him. 

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does. 

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene: 

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff. 

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention. 

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?

[ourloveisforthelovely]

HP A Working Progress (one shot)

Harry Potter Marauders Era 

Request Fic from @vacantpage0910

a regulus one shot where he’s paired with this other slytherin girl in class and she’s very friendly and inviting, but he keeps his cold demeanor the whole time. (Inside he’s melting as times goes on though) regardless of his hard exterior and his seemingly annoyed stature, once they’re done being partners he seeks her company out (totally by “accident” and not precise planning or memorizing her time table 😉) and the rest is up to you. I would like a fluff ending though. Maybe she could be a Potter too?

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader 

Rating: T 

_______

“This day!”

You snapped before throwing your bookbag on the table in front of you and plopping down across from your best friend. Winter looked up curiously from the books that she was hovering over.

“Rough day?”

Winter questioned as you looked up. You made a muffled “umhm” sound before looking up. Winter smiled, hoping to ease whatever tensions that you had.

“What’s wrong?”

You glanced over your shoulder in the direction that Regulus Black had stalked off in before turning back to your friends.

“McGonagall paired me up with Regulus Black for a project.”

Winter frowned.

“I thought that you fancied him.”

You laughed. There was no “thought” to it. You were simping for Regulus Black hard. That didn’t mean that he liked you, however.

“I do but he thinks that I am the most annoying creature known to wizardkind. Like he genuinely hates me.”

Winter gave you an amused smile. She had known about your cute little crush on Regulus Black since 2nd year.  

“He doesn’t hate you. Regulus just doesn’t know how to show any emotion other than loathing. If you had a mother like him, you would be a miserable git too. Lucky your mother is so charming.”

You had to agree with that one Euphemia Potter had to be the most wonderful mother ever! Granted, she was older than most of your friend’s mothers but that didn’t matter. You contributed that her age helped with her “mothering” style.  

Walburga Black was no source of secrecy for you. After Sirius moved in over the summer, you learned all about that “charming” woman. Regulus’ sullen and moody disposition suddenly made sense.

“He sure has a funny way of showing that he doesn’t hate me.”

You grumbled, taking a sip of the water that Winter pushed across the table. Winter smiled.

“Tell me what he said to you before you explode.”

You groaned.

“Well, there I was just minding my own business being my super friendly self when McGonagall paired me with him. He didn’t say one word when he sat down. He acted like I had some kind of cooties or something. His only words to me were you better not let me fail, I don’t like your chattering, and why do you talk so much? Tell me how that is nice? If that is nice then I must be like some kind of deity for not smiting him. Look, I get that I am a chatterbox but that’s my appeal...go ask my brother. When I stop talking that’s when he knows that there is a problem.”

Winter had to agree with James Potter on that one (what a rare occurrence). You were the girl that could sit and be nice to anyone about anything. When Winter first met you, she couldn’t help but wonder how in the hell you had been sorted into Slytherin. You seemed more like a Hufflepuff yet here you were dressed in green and silver. It didn’t take Winter long to be over the moon for you. When she had a nasty letter from home or something else was bothering her in the slightest, you were the person to go to.

“You are not a chatterbox.”

“Come on, Winter. This is me that we are talking about.”

Winter rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, smart mouth. I was simply saying that you are an enjoyable person to talk to. You have a very nice refreshing outlook compared to the rest of us in this house. Yes, you're sassy but that adds to your appeal. What did you say to him?”

You scowled over at Regulus who was talking to Evan Rosier about something. Neither boy looked in your direction for a moment. It was Evan that turned to you first. You quickly turned back to Winter. The last thing that you wanted was for Evan to think that you were looking at him. That boy’s head was big enough as it was. He didn't need any help from you.

“I just muttered rude under my breath. Now I am stuck with him for the next two weeks.”

Winter smiled.

“Just go snog him and get it over with. I see how he looks at you.”

You started dying laughing at that. Winter sat looking at you with a look of contempt as you continued to laugh so hard tears streamed down your cheeks.

“Are you done?”

You shook your head as Regulus walked over. Winter smirked as you continued to laugh hysterically.

“What did you do to her, Winter?”

Regulus questioned as your laughter suddenly stopped. Your face reminded Regulus of a little strawberry as you turned to look at him before turning back to your friend. He was feeling a bit guilty about being such a dick in transfiguration. It wasn’t like you were being rude or obnoxious. Regulus simply didn’t know how to deal with people asking him questions or his opinion on something. He was the one that most people ignored and forgot was there.

“If that is what you think, Winter then that makes me an astronaut.”

“I’m not joking. Hi, Regulus. Do you need something?”

Winter continued, for the moment ignoring Regulus who was clearly trying to put everything together.

“Yeah, Y/n, we need to start working on that project.”

You scooted over to give him enough room to sit down. Winter stood to pick her books up.

“I have to get to potions. See you later, Y/n.”

You nodded before turning to face Regulus. His dark eyes were focused on the table in front of him. This was going to be an awkward project if you were going to be the one doing all of the talking.

“What days do you want to work on this?”

You questioned as Regulus looked up finally. Why was being nice so freaking difficult? Regulus wasn’t for sure why he had to be so snotty toward you. Maybe it had to do with James being your brother? It wasn’t your fault that James Potter was your brother. Just like it wasn’t his fault that Sirius was his older brother.

“Most of my afternoons are free. I have quidditch in the evenings during the week. Would you meet me in the library?”

You nodded in agreement. The inner girl in you was thrilled with the prospect of spending your afternoons with the boy that you had a crush on. If you could get him to talk things would be even better.

“That sounds fine to me.”

Regulus took a breath before turning back to face you. You reminded him of James (just a James that he didn’t want to smack.)

“About earlier...I’m sorry….I was kind of a jerk. Apparently, I’m not much of a morning person.”

Regulus was relieved when you smiled.  

She’s smiling because of me. Merlin, I made a girl smile...I can do it!”

Regulus couldn’t help the thoughts going through his mind. Other than Ambrosia Parkinson, who only liked him for his family name, no other girl looked at him like that.

“You’re in luck to have me for a partner. I can make dandy coffee.”

Regulus smirked.

“Will it take the paint off of the walls?”

You liked “this” side of Regulus. This boy seemed happy.  

“If that is what you want.”

Over the following week and a half, the two of you spent every free moment together. Regulus wasn’t for sure when it happened but he realized that he was falling for you hopelessly.

I need to stop...I have to stop. It wouldn’t work. My parents would never agree to this...but I don’t care. Today is the last day of the project. I have to talk to her today. If I don’t do it then I will spend the rest of my life regretting being a chicken. What if she doesn’t like me? She’s sweet to everyone...what if she is just being nice to get through this project?

Regulus thought as you put the finish touches on the project. He watched as your nose scrunched up as you looked everything over once more.

“Regulus?”

You saying his name didn’t get Regulus’ attention right away. Turning away from the paper, you turned to look at the boy beside you. Regulus’ eyes were locked on the table in front of him. Over the past few weeks, you had gotten used to Regulus’ hard exterior but had found ways to break through it leaving you with the boy that you liked the most. It didn’t happen often but when you did it felt like a small victory.

Reaching out, you snapped your fingers in front of his face. Regulus blinked a few times before quickly grabbing your hand. Whether it be the shock of him moving so fast or the fact that he was holding your hand, you sat staring at him as Regulus smirked.

Neither of you was ready to admit that there was clear chemistry going on. If Regulus kissed you in this particular moment, you wouldn’t have fought back.

Come on, kiss me….be nice...do something...please

You screamed in your head as Regulus continued to hold your hand in his.

“You think that you are clever, don't you?”  

You grinned.

“I would like to think so. Considering that we are in 5th year and I never have had to hex anyone...I think that I am doing downright nifty.”

Regulus didn’t want to but he slowly let your hand go.

“I’ve actually had a nice time working with you on this.”

He commented. That was the first compliment that he had let slip the whole time. You couldn’t help but be flattered.

Regulus, meanwhile, watched as the strawberry hue returned to your cheeks. He was going to miss seeing you blush over something that he said or when you knew that his eyes were on you.

I’m going to miss this.

As the next week began and life returned to normal, Regulus found himself missing spending every afternoon with you in the library. He had returned to his normal “life” of tagging after Evan and not trying to murder Barty Crouch Jr but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t matter how many stupid “dad” jokes that Evan came up with, none of them were funny as the silly childish ones that you could come up with a moments notice.

“Why don’t you go talk to her already?”

Regulus looked up from the breakfast that he was pretending to eat. He had been pushing food items around for the past half an hour and finally caught Evan’s attention.

“Who?”

Regulus questioned as Evan rolled his eyes.

“Potter. You’ve been acting like a heartbroken 19040’s housewife since that project ended.”

Regulus rolled his eyes.

“A 1940’s housewife?”

He questioned. Evan nodded. Over the past week, he had caught Regulus looking in your direction with a sad look on his face. It didn’t take Evan long to figure out just what was bothering his best friend.

“Yeah that or a stalker. You have been watching every move that girl makes and if it makes you feel better she is doing the same thing to you in return. She has had you wrapped around her finger from the day McGonagall set that essay. You may want to write her a thankyou note.”

Regulus’ frown deepened. Had he really missed you liking him in return? Was he that clueless that he missed everything?

“She probably thinks that I’m a jerk. I wasn’t all that friendly.”

Evan closed his book then focused his attention back to Regulus.

“What does she do at 12:30 every day?

“Goes to the lake.”

Regulus commented before his mouth dropped. How did he know this? Had he been watching you this closely?

“And you aren’t watching her.”

Evan muttered as Regulus stood up.

(meanwhile)

You sat by the lake focusing on a novel that Winter had given you to read. Typically, you weren’t one for romance novels but this one was too crappy. It seemed the closest that you were ever going to get to a romance was by reading these shitty books.

Someone sitting down across from you pulled you away from the story. Looking up, your mouth nearly dropped seeing Regulus sitting across from you.

“Hi, Regulus.”

You said with a smile. This had been the first time that the two of you had spoken since the essay ended.

“Hi, Y/n.”

You quickly reached down in your bookbag and pulled out the essay.

“Guess who got the highest scores in our class?”

Regulus smirked. He didn’t doubt that the two of you would have the best scores. It always seemed like it was the two of you trying to outdo each other when it came to grades.

“I’m guessing us.”

Regulus commented. You nodded as he looked at the book on your lap.

“Why do you read those things? My mother reads them.”

You blushed.

“Well, it's the closest to a relationship that I think that I will ever get. I know that real relationships are nothing like these books but...it's nice.”

Regulus was going on pure adrenaline at that particular moment. Where this sudden surge of bravery came from was yet to be determined.

“Stand up.”

You slowly did as you were told. Regulus stood up and took his place in front of you.

“Those books can be right...you just have to find the right person. Let me guess this is some story about a princess looking for a prince charming that doesn’t know what the hell that he’s doing?”

“Something like that.”

You muttered. Something was different in Regulus’ eyes as he looked into yours. The moment that his mouth was on yours, you didn’t know how to react. When he pulled away you stood looking at him with wide eyes.

“Whoa. Can you do that again?”

Regulus shook his head.

“In a minute, I need to tell you something first. First, I’m sorry if I was a jerk to you at all over the past few weeks. You’re a really nice girl and I have really grown to like you. I just don’t know how to do all of this love stuff…”

Wrapping your arms around his shoulders, you smiled.

“Kissing me again would be a great place to start.”

________

@amelie-black @truly-insatiable @realgaytrash @spiderxalmighty @acciosiriusblack @quuenofblacks @fandomsxxregulus @jessyballet @knreidy1 @whymyparentscheckmyphone @hazncalsgal @bennyberry @criminalyetminimal @lucasfilms77 @exhsle @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @fandom-trash-worth-it @hankypranky @summer-novak @shaylybaby2032 @emiwrites3reads @li0nh34rt @tas898 @marichromatic @maggioli-m @stuckinsaudi1 @shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @knight-of-gleefulness @untoldshortsofthefandoms @sprnaturallover @deanwherescas @shitfaceddaniel @wontlookaway @mycuddlycorner @rubyroscoe1

[has-gilgamesh-doneanythingwrong]

Okay, so. First of all, hi. Second of all, we all know of Gil's unsavoury part of his rebellious past, right?

What are your opinions if Gil, either Cas or Arch, would meet his child? Either a son or a daughter? Would he prefer the one over the other? Would he shelter them with treasures or would he let them grow into their own person? Thank you and I really love your content!

Hello anon, I hope you're doing well too. Thank you for complimenting my content, that is very kind of you!! ^^

Lmao sadly yeah...the more unsavory aspects of Gilgamesh's past still make me feel awkward to this day. He really gave the Uruk citizens a horrendous time during his rebellious years.

That's a great question. I'm going to answer this based on my own opinion and knowledge, so there may be gaps in my line of interpretation and understanding!!

Please take this with a pinch of salt.

I believe that the first important factor as to how Gilgamesh would regard said child depends on the background of the kid themselves. If he birthed them officially (e.g., political marriage, a ceremony, love marriage (?) etc.), then I would presume that he will certainly make the effort to meet this child himself, as they would be endowed with a certain amount of status and prestige.

(most of my knowledge of the historical Ur-Nungal/ Ur-Lugal is from other posts so I honestly am unsure about the history aspects, sorry.)

However, if his kid was born from the time in Gilgamesh's past; in which he forced many women against their will-then I believe that this is where Archer and Caster's responses will differ.

- I believe that Archer may not pay any public attention to the kid at all. He may not even know they exist. However, I do also think that there may be a possibility that he'd maybe anonymously finance them. I am not sure that he would contact this child at all. Although he is aware of his past misdeeds and failings, would he extend such acknowledgment to his child(ren) as well? I have no idea.

- However, as Caster; he has become a fully-fledged king who knows all there is to know about their citizens. He celebrates their birthdays, has acute awareness of the personal lives of each and every one of them; and pays attention to his people's wellbeing. As a Caster, he will definitely acknowledge the existence of these children. Though it is debatable as to whether he'll alert the kid as to the truth behind their birth, I believe that he will definitely do his utmost to make sure that they are safe and healthy!!

As to the gender of the child, I feel like if they're a son he will train them more to become an heir; but may not impart the exact same teachings onto his daughter. However, I really do think that he would raise a kid to be financially independent leader, regardless of their status or gender. Due to traditionally held beliefs about men ruling in his era, he may spoil a son a bit more. However, I do think that if he is willing to devote some time to them, he will do his best to ensure that they are happy. He'll be soft on them on some occasions, however he wouldn't hesitate to discipline them either.

Not with violence though. I think he'll discipline them with restrictions and teachings instead; like if a kid wants to do something stupid like steal something, he'll most likely depart some wise advice onto their shoulders, or punish them by implementing changes to their lifestyle, that forces the child to learn themselves about the consequences of their actions. He seems like the kind of father who is more likely to give their child a shove in the right direction instead of severely controlling them.

There's a lot of contrasting points in my opinion here XD I just feel like one cannot be too sure with Gilgamesh. It really depends on the specific circumstances in regards to the kid's background, their personality, and the amount of interest he has in them.

As for your last question, I feel like although he will spoil the children with treasures; he will also make sure that they live life in their own individual way. Gilgamesh may likely be the sort of father who helps his children to grow into their own forms instead of dominating them. However, I think he will also be very overprotective of said children against any threats!

Well, that's all I have got for now. I wish you a good day, anon!

[nethandrake]

i'll wait in line (always).

stevetony. mcu. rated t. blind dates. 8.8k words.

(written for @mkyujji for the 2020 Cap-Iron Man Holiday Exchange event that was hosted by @cap-ironman.)

also on ao3.

*****

“Absolutely not.”

Protesting groans fill the common room.

“Why not?” Clint whines.

Steve scowls, placing his hands on his hips. “What do you mean ‘why not’?”

“I mean, it isn’t going to kill him. It’s harmless.”

“How is that—”

Thor nods solemnly, grabbing a bite from his Pop-Tart. “I dare say, I must agree with Clinton—”

“Please don’t call me Clint—”

“Why not? ‘Tis a fine name!”

“Yeah, but—”

“Aside from that,” Thor continues, changing the subject, “I do not see the harm of—”

“There’s a lot of harm!” Steve insists. “A lot of harm in—”

“Harm to Tony?” Natasha says coolly. She barely spares any of them a glance, taking a long sip from her mug of hot chocolate. “Or harm to you?”

Steve stills, his heart leaping in his chest. “This has nothing to do with me.”

“Uh-huh. Sure it doesn't,” Clint drawls, propping his legs on top of the coffee table. Bruce immediately nudges it off. “Us thinking of setting up the guy you’ve been pining—”

“I’m not—”

“And there’s the denial,” Natasha says dryly at the same time Clint continues, “—for with someone who isn't you doesn’t piss you off.”

“How am I—”

Four pairs of eyes stare right back in blatant judgment.

Finally, Steve lets out the sigh he’s been holding back since they started this meeting.

It’s already bad enough that he was rouse from his sleep at two, three in the morning for this. It’s too early to deal with this. Or well, ever.

“Fine. Bruce and I—”

Bruce has the audacity to flash him a sheepish smile. “Sorry, Cap.”

Steve groans. “Seriously? You too? Am I the only one that thinks this is just—just—”

“Come on, Cap,” Clint says. “We all know Tony needs some pick-me-up. Locking himself up and moping over his last breakup isn’t healthy.”

“He’s not—”

“He was crying last Movie Night. And you know he hardly cries during Movie Night.”

“I mean, if the movie's—”

“We were watching Inception.”

“Inception has—”

“He was crying during the fight scenes. And for half of the movie.”

Well… Well.

Steve hadn’t been there for that, having been on a mission for SHIELD. It’s hard for him to figure out whether Clint’s lying, considering everyone else is murmuring in agreement.

He gets Natasha, Thor even. But for Bruce to agree with Clint without any hesitation is just unheard of.

Steve exhales, holding his hands up in surrender. “Fine. You guys do whatever want. It’s not like you planned on even listening—”

“No, we weren’t.”

Steve scowls, Natasha brightening in return.

He’d think that being Captain America and the leader of the Avengers, he’d have some form of respect and authority over them. But no, he’s just a leader to a bunch of stubborn kids. Teenagers.

Sometimes he wonders what he did wrong to land himself in this situation, in this era. Not wholeheartedly because the thought of not meeting Tony is just ab—

“You know he’s going to hate this, right?”

  ***** 

 “I think it’s a great idea.”

Steve does a double-take at that. In fact, everyone’s staring at Tony in puzzlement. Except for Natasha but that's hardly surprising. Nothing fazes her.

What's surprising is Tony's reaction. The Tony in front of them can’t be the same Tony who has to be dragged or hauled out of his workshop for meals or gatherings, let alone galas and big parties. For him to willingly agree to be set up on blind dates by his friends is a huge breakthrough.

A breakthrough Steve hates but a breakthrough nonetheless.

Tony cocks an eyebrow, setting his screwdriver down. “What? Why’re you all staring at me like that? I agreed to it. Isn’t that what you guys want?”

Clint smacks his lips together. “Well, yeah. But—”

“We do not mean to insult your intelligence, my friend,” Thor replies. “We assumed you will not be amenable to our proposition.”

“Well, Winghead wasn’t,” Natasha cuts in.

“Still isn’t,” Clint pipes up.

Steve makes a mental note to double their drills during the next training session.

“I just thought you wouldn’t like it,” he explains when Tony trains his curious gaze on him. “Going on blind dates, I mean.”

“It’ll be a nice distraction,” Tony says after a beat. “It’s pretty overdue, anyway. Probably good for me to get into the dating game again and try to—”

“I don’t know. Isn’t it too soon?”

“It’s never too soon to date,” Tony counters. “Sides’, Pepper and I broke up... What? Seven months ago? I think it’s high time I get back into things. Go out. Have some fun.”

“And being around m—us isn’t fun?”

Once again, all eyes are on him. A snicker fills the awkward pause. Steve makes another note to triple the drills for Clint.

“I think Tony meant a different kind of fun,” Bruce offers.

Tony directs his screwdriver in his direction, grinning. “Right on the money. I’m not saying you guys aren’t fun to be around because you are—”

“We love you too.”

“Sure you do, birdbrain. But yeah. You guys are fun and all but it’ll be nice to go out and have a nice time in a less platonic setting, you know? Have some little flirting going on—”

But I flirt with you all the time, Steve grumbles.

Sure, they always go unnoticed every single goddamn time but it’s flirting all the same. If Tony wants someone to flirt with him, Steve’s his guy. In fact, he could—

“—and maybe fall in love—”

“Fall in love?”

Steve almost claps his hand over his mouth as once again, several pairs of eyes zero in on him, most of them in mirth.

He really, really hates himself sometimes.

Tony raises his eyebrows. “You seem pretty adamant of me staying single for the rest of my life.”

“Yeah, Cap,” Clint adds, smirking. “Why’re you so— Ow!”

Natasha might get her drills halved for that.

“I’m not trying to stop you from—from falling in love,” Steve says, the words heavy on his tongue. “I just— Well, I— You know—”

Tony frowns, his eyes roving around Steve’s face before softening. “Alright, guys,” he says, clapping his hands. “Clear the room. Steve and I are gonna have a lovely chat alone.”

Their friends move to vacate the room, not without protests from Clint. As soon as the door closes shut behind them, Tony shifts his attention to Steve, crossing his arms.

Steve feels like he’s being put on trial.

“It’s been months, Steve.”

“I know—”

“You know I’ve moved on—”

“I know. I just… I just...”

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

God, there are so, so many things he wants to say. All the words and sentences clash in his head, swirling around in a whirlpool of anxiety, hope, and fear.

I think you’re making a mistake in agreeing to this.

I think our friends aren’t thinking things through.

I think you deserve better than blind dates.

I think you should date me.

“No. Nothing at all.”

Steve swears there’s a flicker of disappointment that crosses Tony’s face before it vanishes.

“Don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours,” he says, poking Steve in the ribs. “I’m a big boy. I know how to handle a little date. Nothing I can't handle.”

“Four dates.”

Tony's eyebrows arch. “You’re not giving it a go?”

Steve shakes his head. “Don’t really know anyone who’d be interested,” he lies.

Tony gasps, clutching his heart. “How dare them? I am a catch.”

“Uh-huh. Sure you are.”

“I am, you asshole. FYI, I was voted Sexiest Man Alive thrice.”

“Good for you,” Steve says dryly.

“Asshole,” Tony mutters, spinning on his heel. “Fine. Be like that. Whatever. Good talk. Now shoo. I have—”

“Oh no, you don’t,” Steve interrupts, resting his hand on Tony’s shoulder. Years ago, Tony would’ve shrugged him off. Now, Steve’s glad Tony’s willing to let Steve touch him, let alone hand him things. “We’re having breakfast. Bruce's making breakfast tacos and you are going to join us.”

“But I have—” Tony scowls. “Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“The puppy dog eyes. You know I hate—” Steve flutters his eyelashes. “Ugh, fuck you, Steven.”

Steve couldn’t help but cackle as Tony storms out, striding to hurry after him.

If he hasn’t been savoring his time with Tony, well, he’s going to savor it so much more now. His borrowed time with Tony might be shortened very soon.

*****

read the rest on ao3.

[isolemnlyswearpevensie]

He Decided Purple Just Wasn’t For Him | Sirius Black x Reader

Warnings: HARD ANGST without a happy ending, death, mourning, drugs and drug abuse, dark themes

Time/Era: Marauders era

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: After James and Lily die, Y/N watches Sirius fall into insanity. 

Request: Hey could you possibly write young!Sirius Black x reader imagine based on song Colours by Halsey? Thanks a lot xx

A/N: I’m sorry in advance. Sirius doesn’t go to Azkaban in this.

masterlist | read on ao3

Sirius was the most vibrant soul Y/N had ever met. Everything down to his smile was full of color. She absolutely adored him. Sirius could touch her arm or look in her direction, and her dark blue soul would turn into a light lilac.

 Y/N came from a family very similar to Sirius’; she was the heir of a very strict pureblood family, and she was expected to follow her family’s expectations. She had lived up to the expectations perfectly until she hit the ripe old age of eleven. She was sorted into Gryffindor alongside Sirius and suddenly the Noble House of L/N had no daughter. You are no daughter of mine. A howler was sent on the second day of school. The red envelope twisted into the hideous face of Y/N’s mother and filled the entire Great Haul with her shrewd voice. You are an embarrassment to the name L/N. I have never been more disappointed. Y/N felt her cheeks heat up and tears well up in her eyes. This was the most embarrassed she had ever been. That was until a young boy sitting down the table opened his howler. How despicable. I knew you were a problem child but I never thought you would betray your only family like this. The entire Slytherin table snickered at this. The woman’s voice was very similar to Y/n’s mother’s. It was thin and nasally but it spoke with a keen sharpness. When you return home don’t expect to be welcomed with open arms. The young boy looked over at Y/N with a matching sorrowful expression. 

When it came to leave the Great Hall, Sirius came over and spoke to Y/N. She was a good few inches taller than him at this point and he had to raise his head to look her in her eyes. “I’m sorry about that,” He spoke as he rocked back and forth on his heels. “What happened, I mean.” Y/N smiled with half of her mouth, making one of her cheeks puff. “Me too, but hey, at least we can get murdered together.” This made a small smile grace the boy’s face. For some reason, it made Y/N feel warm. 

Sirius’s hair covered his eyes and curled in perfect spirals over his forehead. And no matter how sad he was in the moment, he still had a brilliant sparkle in his eye. Y/N had heard a lot about the Black family as Sirius and Y/N’s parents were friends. She knew that they were one of the most regal families within the wizarding world. Y/N didn’t have the biggest expectations for meeting Sirius. 

Sirius had also heard a ton about Y/N’s family in passing; they were known for owning part of and sponsoring Gringotts bank. Her father was rumored to be in special talk with some of the goblins, thus making the family name worth millions. Sirius didn’t have the best first impression of Y/N, but seeing what happened in the Great Hall, his hopes of friendship rose. Finally, maybe someone would be able to understand some of the deep thoughts whirling inside his head. “I’m Sirius Black.”

“I’m Y/N L/N, nice to meet you.” ~ 

“Do you think he likes me?” Y/N asked Sirius one night during their fifth year. The boy had been picking feathers out of a pillow in the common room, but his fingers stopped immediately at the sound of his companion’s voice. 

Y/N couldn’t help but admire how he looked in this moment. It was 4 am on a Tuesday; the fire was mere ashes in the fireplace and the half-moon shone through the common room window. A moonbeam reflected across Sirius’ features and cast a deep shadow across the bridge of his nose. The low light defined the dark bun on the back of his head and the various fly away hairs that framed his face. He was effortlessly beautiful, even in his striped boxers and ratty Beatles t-shirt. Especially, even. 

Something about the picture in front of Y/N made her feel safe. Sirius sat upright with one leg lazily draped over the arm of the couch, pillow in his lap. Maybe the casual deminer of her best friend comforted her, or maybe it was the lack of school uniform. She didn’t know. Sirius’ head lifted and he made direct eye contact with his best friend. 

“Does who like you? The giant squid?” Y/N grew bashful and twisted in her chair a bit. 

“No, love, Moony.” Y/N’s cheeks dusted a light rose color, which was only intensified as Sirius remained silent. A deep hatred for Remus Lupin filled his stomach.

“No,” Sirius spat, throwing the pillow onto the cushion next to him. “He doesn’t.”

Y/N is taken aback by the sudden aggression towards her. She crosses her arms and sits back in the chair. “Why not? I mean, he keeps walking me to class, he gave me some candy, he-”

“No, he doesn’t. Honestly, Y/N/N, he’s just being friendly.”

“Are you sure?” Y/N’s face twisted in disappointment. “He hasn’t really done those things for any other girl.” “I know him better than you do, Y/N. Trust me.” Y/N couldn’t describe it, but her beautiful, colorful Sirius turned to gray at the moment. 

Remus and Y/N ended up dating for the majority of their 5th year. It was sickenly sweet; the two complimented each other perfectly. Remus loved her with all of his heart, and she loved his company.

 This was around the time Sirius started to distance himself from Y/N. She had no idea what she did wrong. One moment the two of them were staying up late in the common room just to talk, the next moment he wouldn’t even meet her eye. “It’s something at home, it’s not you,” Remus had assured her. That’s the thing, though. He would always tell her about his home life. 

Y/N began to feel empty without Sirius in her life. She would see him in the common room or hanging out with James, and her stomach would rise to her throat. After a while, this began to impact her relationship with Remus. It started off small, but soon escalated into large arguments. 

“Can you stop staring at him? You’re here with me,” Remus said one afternoon as they ate at The Three Broomsticks. They were out celebrating their seven-month anniversary and Sirius just happened to be on a date with a Ravenclaw girl. The two sat four booths away from Remus and Y/N, and they were in Y/N’s direct line of vision. The girl was chatting animately while Sirius pretended to listen. Y/N turned to look at her boyfriend. 

“I’m not staring at him, love, I’m just thinking.”

“Yeah, thinking about him. Come on, give me a break. It’s our anniversary.” 

“I am not thinking of him, Rem. I’m just daydreaming.” Remus pressed his back into the booth and covered his face with one of his large hands. Y/N loved his hands, but they were poor in comparison to Sirius’. 

“I don’t deserve this,” Remus said, gripping the edge of the table and pulling himself to a standing position. “I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them. And you love Sirius.” 

Y/N stood up too. “I don’t love Sirius, I love you.”

Remus lets out a single, harsh laugh. “Listen, Y/N, you deserve happiness and it’s very obvious I can’t give that to you,” He looks over to Sirius’ table to see the boy’s gaze fixed on him. “But he can. Please, save me the additional heartbreak and just get on with it. For the love of Merlin.”

“Does that mean you’re breaking up with me?” Y/N sniffled. Remus had been her first boyfriend, and to have it end so badly was a shame. She couldn’t lie and say that she wasn’t expecting it, but it still stung. 

“Think of it more like...setting you free.” Remus leaned down and kissed her cheek before walking out the door. Y/N now knew what it felt to be gray.

~

As time went on, Y/N’s gray soul started to morph back into dark blue. She thought a lot about what Remus had told her, setting you free. Maybe he was right, she didn’t exactly know. Y/N spent a lot of time at the lake. There was an old, splintered bench near the shore that had an excellent view of the water. Especially at night. The moon would reflect against the water and make the surface look like liquid silver; sparkling, and swirling against the dark depths. 

“Hey,” A familiar voice said one night. His voice was smooth and silky like he had just finished drinking a warm cup of tea. Y/N could sit and listen to him talk for hours. 

“Hi, Sirius.” Y/N responded, pulling her knee to her chest and tucking it under her chin. She suddenly felt insecure under the gaze she once felt most comfortable. 

“I heard you and Moony broke up,” He said casually, as if he was discussing what he had for dinner. 

“Yeah, you watched it happen.”

An awkward silence fell over the two.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. Y/N sucked in a harsh breath. “Yeah, why did you do that?” There was a pause. 

“I don’t know, Y/N.”

“Yes, you do. Don’t lie to me.” She turned her head to look at him. The moon was casting a dark shadow over his nose, like that night in the common room. Y/N observed how it danced across his skin as his head moved. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and Y/n could see a hint of the colorful boy she had known for years. 

“It’s embarrassing to admit if I’m being frank,” His fingers fidgeted with a loose thread on his shirt. “I guess I was a bit jealous of Remus.” “You, Sirius Black, was jealous of Remus?” She couldn’t believe his words. 

“I know, it’s stupid.” His back slouched against the splintering wood. It pressed into his skin through his clothing but he didn’t want to move and disrupt the still atmosphere. 

“It’s not stupid, love. I just missed you. Besides, my relationship wasn’t exactly the best, there was nothing to be jealous of.” 

“What do you mean?” His eyes met Y/N’s for the first time since he sat down. 

“I don’t know, I think the entire time I was wishing it was someone else? Every time we kissed I wanted it to be someone else. Every time he called me “baby” or “love” or “darling,” I wanted it to be someone else.” Y/N looked directly into Sirius’ eyes. “Every time we fucked I wanted it to be someone else.” Sirius’ eyes grew dark. 

“Who did you want it to be, Y/N?” She scooted closer to the boy and turned so her body was facing his straight on. She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek, her thumb running against his lower lip. “I think you know the answer to that question,” “Say it, I need to hear you say it.” “You, Sirius. I wanted it to be you.” 

The look in Sirius’ eyes was the most colorful look Y/N had ever seen. 

~

“I think it’s him,” Sirius paced across the floor of his and Y/N’s bedroom. “Remus has to be the spy.”

Y/N placed a gentle hand on her boyfriend’s shoulder and led him to their shared bed. He was wearing all black clothes, having just returned from an Order mission with James. Y/N wondered if Lily was dealing with the same sort of conspiracy from her husband. She thought of Lily bouncing baby Harry on her hip while James paced across their living room floor.

“Remus is not the spy, darling,” Y/N ran a comforting hand across Sirius’ back. His muscles were tensed into tight knots. 

“It has to be someone close to us, and we haven’t even heard from him in weeks. He’s out to get our godson because James didn’t choose him. Or maybe he was manipulated by the werewolves. Completely brainwashed.” “It’s not Remus, end of conversation.” Y/N glanced out the window at all of the Halloween decorations. She loved this time of year. The colors were gorgeous, the atmosphere was spooky, and the weather was amazing. 

“Prongs said him, Lily and Harry are going into hiding,” Sirius said. He took hold of Y/N’s hand and began playing with her ring-clad fingers. Still not the ring she yearned for, but she was more than patient. 

“Hiding? What do you mean?”

“Apparently, You-Know-Who is planning on killing Harry.” Sirius looked solemn. “They asked me to be secret keeper, you know. I couldn’t do it.” “Kill Harry? Why him out of everyone? He’s just a baby…”

“I guess there was some prophecy that included a boy born in July, and it matches with Harry perfectly. The Longbottom’s kid, too.” Sirius let his back hit the mattress and his hands ran down his face. How Y/N loved his hands. 

“Who’s the secret keeper if it’s not you?” 

“I’m not sure. James picked someone,” Sirius lied. “It’s not all bad, I guess. Keeps the spotlight off of you. Us.”

“It doesn’t matter if the spotlight is on me or not, you know that. I would happily die for any one of you.” 

“That’s what I’m afraid of, love.”

~

Sirius was with Y/N on Halloween night. He insisted that the two of them hit the hay early that night as he had been awake for almost 72 hours due to a particularly hard mission. He never spoke to Y/N about his missions, but she knew that this one would take a long time for him to process. Sirius had fallen asleep at such an early hour, that Y/N hadn’t even eaten dinner yet. Still, she tucked him into their bed, kissed his forehead, and turned out the light.He had only been asleep for almost four hours when the doorbell rang. Y/N was finishing a cup of tea in the kitchen when it happened. Puzzled, she grabbed her wand and opened the door. “Ms. Y/L/N,” Albus Dumbledore greeted, pushing his way into the small house. “May I help you?” Y/N had never been particularly fond of the old professor, and his presence made an uncomfortable feeling overwhelm her senses. 

“I actually come baring some unfortunate news.” The way he talked made Y/N uneasy. Why was he so casual about it? “May I ask where Mr. Black is?”

“He’s asleep upstairs, I am sure I can handle the news by myself.” “As you wish,” The old man takes a deep breath. “The Potters have been ambushed…”

~

“Babe, you have to eat something.” Y/N said, pushing a bowl of cereal towards Sirius. It had been six months since James and Lily were murdered. While it was hard for Y/N, it was devastating for Sirius. His smoking had taken on a mind of his own, acting as a gateway drug. He had attempted to hide his activity from Y/N, but that proved to be difficult when he started using every single day. Whether that was alcohol or drugs, he was just happy to be sedated and numb. 

More times than not, he would lash out at Y/N. He blamed her for Lily and James’ death, saying that she should have talked him out of rejecting the secret keeper job. And when she would find him on the bathroom floor, eyes bloodshot with his head in the toilet, he blamed her for not taking care of him.

The thing Sirius didn’t seem to understand was that Y/N was mourning just as much as he was. Similar to his situation with James, Lily had taken Y/N into her wing and added her to the family. It felt like a knife being stabbed through her heart when Albus Dumbledore had declared Lily dead. Sweet Lily Evans with the quick mouth and heart of gold. Lily Potter, the woman who dropped everything to protect her son and loved her husband more than anything, was dead. Even just the thought made Y/N’s stomach twist in knots. 

All of the color within Sirius and Y/N’s lives had vanished. Any beauty had been ripped from their brains and replaced with deep feelings of regret, guilt, and depression. At month four, Y/N decided to visit a therapist to reorganize her brain. She had tried to get Sirius to come with her, but he wouldn’t move off of their sofa. 

“Stop bossing me around,” Sirius responded, pushing the bowl away from his body. His mind seemed to be clearer today, but his skin still had a sickly yellow hue and his eyes were sunken in. Somehow, she had managed to convince him to shower the day prior, so he did not reek of body odor. 

“Sirius, please. You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning.” Y/N was trying to cope as well as she could. Not only was she mourning her best friends, but she was also trying to watch over Sirius. Between therapist visits and tending to her lover, she had taken up journaling and meditation. It wasn’t a cure, but it sure did help. 

“You know what? I’m tired of you acting like you’re so much better than me, with your fancy therapist visits and mental health bullshit. You’re not better than me, Y/N.” His voice was loud, but she knew it was just his sick mind talking. She tried to take everything he said with a grain of salt.

“I don’t think I’m better than you, baby. What I do think, though, is you need to eat your cereal.” She pushed the bowl closer to him and he snatches the spoon from inside the bowl. 

He shoves multiple heaping spoonfuls into his mouth. “Fine, if it will make you get off my back.” Small bits of chewed cereal spray all over the table as he spoke. 

~

“Y/N, I think I need help,” Sirius said one evening, an empty bottle of vodka in his hand. His cheek was laying on her shoulder and his drool was dripping down her shirt. He was dressed in striped boxers and a raggedy Beatles t-shirt, but this time, the fabric had various stains and burn marks. Y/N wiped some of the sweat-soaked hair off of his forehead. 

“Help with what, babe?” 

He lifts the bottle in response. “I want to be happy again.”

The following day, Y/N contacted a drug rehab center. When they arrived, Y/N kissed Sirius’ cheek. 

“I’m proud of you for getting help,” She whispered so only he could hear. Sirius looked as if he couldn’t understand what Y/N was saying. 

“I don’t want to be here, Y/N. Please don’t make me.” His voice came out as a whimper, making Y/N’s eyes grow damp. 

“I know, my love, but this place is going to help you.” Y/N wiped a tear from her cheek. “I love you.”

~

Sirius stayed in rehab for three months before he was released. 

The first time Y/N saw him was magical; his hair was cut short, he had shaven his beard, his skin was back to its normal color and his eyes had regained their sparkle. He seemed to get his colors back. When Y/N ran to hug him, though, he didn’t hug back.

“Sirius! You look so good!” Y/N exclaimed, taking in the new look of her boyfriend. 

“Thank you, you do too.” His voice was monotone and flat, his eyes landing on anything but hers. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I think we need to talk, Y/N,” He led her to sit down on a bench outside of the rehabilitation center. He took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve had a lot of time to think, and a lot of time to talk to different professionals. I don’t want you to take offense to what I’m about to say because it is anything but your fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, my therapists said I need to take a break from things that are bringing me distress so I can move on and heal.” He looked down at his hands. “And that’s James and Lily’s death. Y/N, every time I look at you I’m reminded of them and the good times we had. I think about how we’re Harry’s godparents. I think about how James always used to kiss your cheek to make me jealous. I think about you and them, Y/N.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Y/N felt her entire world begin to collapse. 

“I think we need time to heal separately, to deal with this in our own ways. I love you so much and I am so grateful for what you’ve done for me, but I need a break.”

Y/N felt her chest close and her shoulders shake with a sob. She got up from the bench quickly, pushing past Sirius and towards the parking structure. 

She was no longer purple or even blue; she was the color of a thunderstorm. She was the color of a bad day, of paying taxes and skinning your knee. Y/N was the color of pain and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be purple again.