#i am so angry and tired and i wish people would fucking shut up

[idlestxrs]

Casual (Part 1 of 2) - Max Verstappen x Male!Reader

angst, toxic situationship, mentions of sex for like 3 seconds i wanted to fujoshi the fuck out

Max walked out of the garage enraged. Why did the media have to try to dig into his business like that? Into your business? Of course he denied all the rumors and questions you were both anything more than friends, because you weren’t. However,  he probably would have worded it better than his knee jerk response that flew out of his mouth that, in turn, made you feel like shit. He tried everyday to convince himself that’s all he viewed you as anyway. 

You were only supposed to be his teammate, then you both became friends that led to things going beyond a point of doing things people that only considered each other friends would do. 

The multiple times both of you were caught checking each other out by the other person that led to this entire mess. All the hugs, kisses, slow and rough sex. Things Max tried convincing himself meant nothing but to fill a void. He knew deep down though, that every single thing meant something. Especially when he held you snugly in his arms at night and you were asleep with your head against his chest. 

You on the other hand had known you’d fallen for him and you didn’t fight it at first, but now you wish you could start all over and stop yourself while you were ahead. 

Everything started feeling like just a casual, one call away when he felt lonely type of relationship. If you even wanted to call it one. It was a general understanding that Max didn’t want to come out like you had because of his reputation, but the fact he seemed to come and go as he pleased made everything feel so one sided.

Enough was enough. You were angry and hurt. You knew you deserved better no matter how much you loved him. Tears welled up in your eyes as you stormed after him. 

“Why the hell would you say it like that? Am I that repulsive to you? Because you don’t act like it when you’re desperate for someone to give you attention at night.” Your tears went away for now, being replaced by pent up anger not just from today, but for the months this had been going on. 

Max froze realizing you were shouting this where people could hear that probably shouldn’t. “Y/N. I understand you’re really upset with me, but please, let’s talk about this somewhere else. You know-” Max tried to calm you down, but you cut him off. “Yes I know. Let’s just go then.” You yelled as you stormed off to your car, glaring at him as he got into his. Not a single word was said the whole walk to his front door, but as soon as that door shut, everything picked right back up. “Why the hell did you say it? Why would your response to being asked if we were more than friends be what you said. Go ahead. Repeat it.” You crossed your arms and practically scolded him. “I’m sorry Y/N. What I said was beyond stupid, okay? I’m sorry that I said even if I was gay that I wouldn’t date you because you aren’t my type at all. I realized after I said that, it would hurt your feelings.” He sighed, mentally scolding himself in the process for being such an idiot. “Do you realize how shitty that makes me feel? I’m so tired of how you treat me so differently around different crowds of people. It makes no sense to me. To the press I’m the ass of all of your jokes. To your friends I’m just something casual so you can understand your sexuality better.” You began to get choked up on your words. You didn’t even realize how badly he’d hurt you until everything you’d been feeling was being spoken straight to his face. “When we’re alone or with your family though. I see a different side of you. You tell your parents I’m your best friend. Your mom adores me. Then, when we’re alone at night and we’ve been making out or we’ve had sex, you hold me like I’m your entire world. Whenever the sun comes up you’re gone. You completely change and act awkward around me until you’re wanting something.” Tears began falling from your eyes as the anger seeped out of your mouth with them. Max winced at your words. They stung because he knew everything you said was true. He treated you like shit. All because he was insecure inside about feeling the way he felt about you. He’d fallen harder than you could’ve even imagined and he was hating himself for it. 

“Y/N, you’re not someone I’m using to figure out my sexuality. I’m just telling my friends that because I’m not ready for them to know the true extent of what we have, just in case something slips. Neither do I want the public having any ideas. I don’t want to lose my dream or sponsors or anything like that. Is that so wrong of me?” Max became extremely defensive all due to you being able to leave him feeling so guilty for how he’d been treating you. “It’s crazy that we’re racing for the same team, with most of the same sponsors, and I’m out. I’m not saying you have to come out. That’s something you should only do when you’re ready, but dammit Max your reputation should not come at the expense of my heart being stabbed every time you get scared that your feelings are getting too deep.” You took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. “If this isn’t going to go anywhere serious, we just need to cut it out. It’s killing me. This would be one thing if we were actually together and you were trying to cover it up until you were ready, but the fact you’ve said to my face, while we’re alone, that this is all just something casual, makes me feel like everything you’re telling me right now is bullshit. ” Max felt his heart drop. He didn’t want any of this to end, but he was horrified of his public image changing at all. He was feeling ashamed of himself for being so selfish. 

  “It’s just easier to say we’re casual. I’m not sure what I feel, but nothing I’ve said is a lie.” Max snapped. He didn’t like that you were so onto how he felt. He didn’t even understand why he was so scared for you to know he had fallen for you. He just couldn’t accept the fact he’d fallen for, not just any guy, but his teammate. “Easier to be casual when you hold me the way you do? You really want me to sit here and believe that’s the truth? And even if it is, why the fuck would you lead me on like this? I can’t do this shit anymore.” You stormed out, slamming the door behind you. As soon as you heard the bang of the door, tears poured down your face as you booked it to your car. Max stood there realizing how badly he’d fucked up. Something about the door slamming and hearing you cry from outside knocked something into him that probably came a second too late. 

“Fuck!” Max punched the wall after you’d left. He tried to call you but it just went straight to voicemail. He deserved it, and he knew you deserved better than what he’d put you through. It didn’t change the fact that he was crying in on his sofa all alone, wishing he could change things. He only had himself to blame now that you were gone, and knew when he saw you in the Red Bull garage again you’d do everything to ignore him. He stared at the ceiling until he got snapped out of his thoughts by a notification on his phone. A text from you. 

“You won’t have to deal with being around me and fighting your internal feelings anymore. I just gave up my Red Bull seat to Checo. I’m done with F1. I hope you continue to be successful in your career. Respectfully, I’m blocking your number after this. I don’t want to be around you anymore. It’s killing me every time we kiss to know we’ll never be anything more than casual. I need to move on.” He read the text and attempted to respond by telling you to wait before you blocked him. To give him the chance to fix it, but it was already too late. You blocked him as soon as you sent the message, he figured. Max hoped you would change your mind by the time he woke up tomorrow and he’d still get to see you at the next race in the Red Bull garage. He hoped he'd somehow get the chance to explain to you that everything the two of you did together meant everything and more to him. He tossed and turned in bed that night, feeling sick to his stomach/ The only reason Max even went to sleep was from how exhausted he was.  

What he didn’t expect was to open Instagram when he first woke up like he usually did and be greeted by a post stating that you were leaving Red Bull Racing, and Formula 1 in general.  “Red Bull Racing, Max Verstappen, thanks for being a great team for the past two years and Formula 1 for being some of the most fun I’ve had. I’m onto other things now, and I hope all the people who love and support me will follow me to my new career path. Checo, give them hell on the track for me. Love, your shining star, Y/N.” Tears stung Max’s eyes as he read the caption that was paired with some nostalgic pictures. Images of your first race, first podium and first win all shared with Max, and some other photos, old and new that evoked Max to cry.

Through his vision blurred by his tears, Max left a comment. “Thank you for being the best teammate I’ve ever had. If you ever need anything, you know where to find me. I’ll be rooting for you in whatever you choose to do with your future.” He finished it off with a heart emoji. He turned his phone off and hoped for a notification from you that he knew he’d most likely never get.

[notmorbid]

cuckoo.

dialogue prompts from cuckoo by gretchen felker-martin.

i've never liked my daughter.

something in my life, in my home, is very wrong.

are you going to cry now?

can i do anything to make it up to you?

you have every right not to trust me.

i just want to stop hurting you.

it's okay if you can't believe me.

it's so easy not to trust success when we've grown used to failure.

our hearts want what's familiar.

you think i'm that shallow?

you weren't supposed to follow me.

am i dead? did i have a stroke?

i bet you're pretty angry right now.

this is something that happens in horror movies.

you don't want to try so you won't be able to fail.

i don't want to have to be brave.

my grandma says i don't know when to shut up. i guess she's right.

i hope that bite gets infected.

you're like a cat. you only want what you can't have.

you think the world owes you something just for waking up.

there's something cold between my mother and me. something ugly.

___ doesn't love me. doesn't love any of us.

hey, you okay?

what, are you gonna narc?

this is real. it really happened.

something's really wrong. i'm not crazy.

i wish i looked like you.

have you been having nightmares?

i don't know how, but we have to get out.

something bad is happening. something is wrong.

it was nice to forget, for a minute.

what do you know about surviving on your own?

hoping for anything better is just daydreaming.

i'm going to become someone you can be proud of.

what happened to you out there?

i'll give you my address. we can keep in touch.

being tough doesn't mean shit. it won't save you.

you'll never be alone again.

am i dead? is this hell?

take a walk.

this seems like a sad place.

this is how people die in horror movies.

it feels like someone is watching me.

it felt like the kind of thing good people were supposed to do.

you said i'm brave, so i must be brave.

i want to be nailed to a cross and burned. and i want everyone to think how beautiful i look, and how sorry they are.

don't worry. i'll show you how i like it,

are you here with me? is this real?

i'm here with you. i'm here.

everything feels like it's moving too fast.

living means making sense of what happened.

you're the tom cruise of fucking up.

i would have done anything. believed anything.

what would you do with my face? my life?

aren't you tired of being afraid?

go. i'm right behind you.

aren't you tired of being so strong for everyone?

i told you i wasn't lying.

nothing will ever feel normal again.

it felt like you were with me.

if you don't have anything useful to say, just shut up.

can you do anything but run your mouth?

are you going to finish that?

i can practically hear you blushing.

do you like me? i honestly can't tell.

i'm sorry i couldn't protect you.

what did they do to you?

feels like you don't want to see me.

do you have a lot of thoughts like that?

you have me confused with someone else.

fuck you. i've got my own problems.

it wasn't a dream. i can't pretend anymore.

you're not going to hurt me. we're the same.

do you even care how i feel?

are you going to start crying now?

trouble in pussy paradise?

you look like a movie star.

you look so different.

what if the drugs don't work?

smoking is a dirty habit.

nobody cares. no one is coming.

you really haven't changed that much, have you?

i didn't want to come, and i still don't want to be here.

how did you do this alone for so long?

no credit cards. we can't leave a trail.

it's like picking glass out of bathwater.

i'm so sorry. for everything.

do you think we have a chance?

would you ever try again? with me?

i keep thinking of you. i'm always thinking of you.

if i die, no one will miss me.

we bring out the best in each other, when we aren't ruining each other's lives.

i'm so scared, i'm not even angry anymore.

people are dead because of me.

we're all going to die, aren't we?

i can feel it. they're close now.

it wants us alive.

let's start some fires.

i love you. be good.

i'll take you home, if that's what you want.

i can't sleep in the city.

[ourladyofmaplemurder]

Riverdale is Bad and I’m So Smart

So, I was going to make a response video to Friendly Space Ninja's video on the finale...but honestly, there are just other things I'd rather do with my time...

I did, however, write a script for the video. You can read that here if you wish.

The short version is that people who talk about art the way he does are fucking idiots and I'm tired of being nice about it. If you don't know what you're talking about, either figure it out or shut the fuck up. **And let me clarify: There is a big difference from expressing a personal opinion to friends and standing on authority with a huge platform to provide "critique". Huge difference. Not understanding or not liking the finale is totally valid, (It wasn't necessarily what I would have done with the final season) but what makes me angry about this guy in particular is that he positions himself as an authority on media criticism and analysis. He then provides the shittiest fucking examples of both. I can't stand it.

Hi. So. Our dear friend Friendly Space Ninja put out another video about Riverdale. This time, he took it upon himself to discuss the finale. Anything for a click, right, buddy?

Well, he made all sorts of claims about the finale and the final season. He gave his thoughts on the show as a whole. And all of it, dear viewer is entirely worthless. Strong statement, I know, but hear me out.

He didn’t watch the latter half of season 5, nor season 6 at all. He didn’t even watch all of season 7. He watched the first few episodes with specific expectations and when those were not met, he skipped to the end only to be baffled by its conclusion, claiming that it was all meaningless and even going as far as to “explain” quote unquote that Angel Tabitha’s rework of the timelines erases the other shows that Roberto Agurrie Sacasa has made. This, by the way, demonstrates such a lack of understanding of the surface level plot, that I can’t even respond to it.

For these reasons, I will not be refuting his assertions as I did in my last video response to him. It’s simply not worth it. His video is so deeply stupid that picking it apart would be giving it more credit than it deserves.

I was very diplomatic in my last response video, but I really don’t wish to be this time. I really don’t think it’s worth it.

However, I would like to say a few things, just to give you a sense of why I am so fucking angry.

Firstly, I’d like to talk about the work of Barnett Newman. In particular, I’d like to talk about Who’s Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue III. The first time I saw this painting, or even just paintings like it, I scoffed and said, “Why is something like this in a museum? It’s stupid. It’s just red, yellow, and blue. Is this even art?” Years later, however, I learned an interesting story about this painting.

In 1986 the painting was vandalized in an anti-Semitic attack. Daniel Goldreyer attempted to restore the painting in 1991. Should be easy, right? I mean, it’s just three colors.

However, the effort proved utterly unsuccessful as the depth of the color was incredibly difficult to replicate. The skill required to create this painting was far more than the untrained eye could perceive.

The first time I saw this painting, I did not understand it and condemned it as stupid because I was an arrogant prick.

And I’m sure hundreds of thousands of people who also don’t understand painting would agree with such a dismissive sentiment.

But just because I have millions of people agreeing with me doesn’t mean I know anything. It just means a lot of people don’t understand painting. That’s it.

Friendly Space Ninja’s video on Riverdale is the equivalent of someone looking at this painting and calling it stupid without understanding anything about abstract expressionism, painting techniques, and the works of Neoplasticism that this series was responding to.

It is watching Sunset Boulevard and complaining there is no color.  

It is the equivalent of an incel giving you dating advice.

But let me address Mr. Space Ninja directly and I won’t use any metaphors because I want this to be understood.

More than making a stupid response to Riverdale, your crime, Mr. Space Ninja, is arrogance. You look at a piece of art, you are utterly baffled by it, as you yourself say in the video, and you assume that the art must be the stupid one. It couldn’t be that it’s going over your head. No. It must be meaningless because you can’t grasp its meaning.

This is very troubling and also quite sad.

Though, I suspect you have no interest in providing useful insight into the works you discuss. It’s far more lucrative to provide inflammatory confirmation bias and, at the end of the day, that’s all you’re really doing. And to be clear, that is an insult. Wouldn’t want you to miss that. <3

Now, I also watched Alex Meyer’s video on the finale as well out of curiosity, as he also has a large platform. I haven’t watched his other videos because they seemed overtly negative about the show and I figured they wouldn’t be even remotely enjoyable. Curiosity won out though and honestly, though the sacred cow he is mocking is mine and thus, I disagree…I can’t fault him for this. There was a lot of care and thought that went into this. Even if he thinks the show is silly (and it certainly is) there’s a clear affection for it.

Not only that, but towards the end of the video he says this: “Time will be kind to your show. And all the chucklefucks like me with our kneejerk reactions? That's all going to fade away."

He also acknowledges the fact that there might be more to it than just the silliness. He doesn’t talk about it because he prefers to joke about the show rather than analyze it. He’s a jester, not a scholar. I could never fault him for that.

But I also don’t think anyone in their right mind would consider this critique. This is a comedy bit. And I’m not saying that comedy is less important or valuable than analysis. Not at all. It’s just different.

Anyway. Friendly Space Ninja. Fuck you.

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[dekusleftsock]

I think if hori wrote toga better more people would like her but he hardly gives a shit about her so her story and personality and thoughts are messy (as in badly written) and nonsensical. I wanna like her but you have to do a lot of leg work to make her interesting and worth the time and love, Hori doesnt love her enough to but a lot of effort into her, unlike the other two male villains who he wont shut up about. Togas always just been (for me personally) an underutilized, underdeveloped waste of what could have been a cool idea. The Anti-toga people are not unfounded in most of their criticisms (MOST), shes the only seemingly queer person and of course shes a lustful blood sucking pervert psycho murderer with no real depth.

(btw you are more than welcome to both ignore this and LOVE toga I am not saying for you shes not worth the time or energy, this is just me reflecting on her and how hori has treated her, i appreciate and value fanon and the effort fans will put into loving her, thats so cool and based, im glad you can find joy in something like that, for people who like her- I wish she was cared for by her writer 💕)

Uh… what I see or believe isn’t fanon broski.

Look Horikoshi has always had a problem of pushing aside the women in his series, the worst of this case has ALWAYS been ochako. Do I think that’s because he wanted to write a gay love story? Yeah, I do. Does that make it okay? Absolutely not. I will be the first person to shout from the rooftops that horikoshi does not write women as well as he should. He has fan service abundant, he makes crude jokes using women that really aren’t all that funny, he’s pushed aside his women and their moments in order to forward bkdk’s development.

But you can absolutely not come into my ask to tell me that she is an, “underdeveloped wasted idea”. Because she’s just fucking not.

People think toga is just “the blood sucking bisexual who likes animals too”, but she’s just fucking not. That’s never been her defining trait or character.

Toga is a subversion of the yandere trope. That sadly means there will always be misogynistic rhetoric because that’s what the trope is. At least BEFORE the subversion happens, which is now! Where Ochako DOESNT FIND HER CREEPY!

She’s going to be creepy and weird and have issues because she’s a villain. She’s a queer villain. Her entire story is one that defies the tragedy of carmilla and refuses to let her identity be anything but “Himiko Toga”. She has always been a character about identity. She’s never been “possessive” or “jealous” over Izuku for this purpose. It’s the reason why she’s bisexual, why she just “has an attraction to blood”. It’s a queer story wrapped in metaphor and it always has been. Why is THIS monster/villain queer story any worse than, idfk, the joker and Batman. I haven’t found a single person able to genuinely voice that to me in a way that is convincing! Horror and unconventional ways of love and ESPECIALLY blood has always always ALWAYS been a part of queer coded stories for a LONG TIME. We are the unconventional. We always have been. And that’s not me “bending over backwards” HER PARENTS LITERALLY CALL HER A DEVIANT AND SHE ASKS WHY NO ONE ELSE STRUGGLES WITH THE URGES SHE DOES.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll fucking say it again, Toga is horikoshi’s most well written and thought out female character. Ochako got kicked over and over again, same with momo, Tsu, Mina, and whoever the fuck else.

And I’m sorry, but writing a queer villain inspired by the lesbian vampire trope isn’t homophobic or bad writing.

She’s HAD depth. Idk if you read her backstory or her feelings on Ochako, twice, hawks, or even Izuku but she’s HAD depth. And I’m tired of pretending she hasn’t.

Normally I wouldn’t engage with shit like this but you reached out to me DIRECTLY. So let me make this clear: you can have whatever opinions you want on toga, and I will not get angry or express anger in any sort of way. But this account? This is not your fucking space and I will ABSOLUTELY meme on you for it.

[valyrra]

Hi! Anon 🐈‍⬛ here, I need some advice, I'm going insane. I live in an opressive family, they behave like I'm not a person and they love to shut me up all the time when I have to say anything and even then they don't listen to what I have to say. They say that's because I don't have a job... (They love mentioning I'm jobless even though they KNOW about my state of mind)

I'm extremely depressed and scared to meet other people because of negative experiences. They conditioned me to stay silent and listen, but after years of silence I got sick of it and got more argumentative. For example: father (who is so obsessed with eating healthy that he made it everyone's problem) today made so much drama because we drank a sweet drink. He told us that it's deadly and told mother that she is the worst mother and started insulting her. It is not the first time he's doing this, he and her (sometimes) make us feel bad about eating something ("You will get cancer from it", "It's deadly", "You're going to get even more fat"), essentially shaming us for eating the food. We are not rich, we can't afford the "healthy" food and we live in a country that has food standards, we can't die from eating food or drinking a drink.

It was a lime flavoured powder that dissolves in water that you drink. It was a looooooooong time since we drank anything like that. He was very agressive about it and I'm on my second day of period so guess what happened. I got angry and told him what his problem is (we have been eating tasteless food for years because of his "Salt is death" (his words), he's obsessed with nutrients, TikTok recipes, and shoving his opinion on food and politics down everyone's throat) and mother and brother started shouting at me (brother insulted me as well) while he ate his lunch at peace. It's a constant cycle that never stops, he starts drama and threatening abuse, I intervene sick of his behaviour, they insult me, shut me up and it is peaceful until this cycle begins again for YEARS...

It was always like that, but since COVID it's getting worse and worse (there were times I almost k*lled myself from the stress), I have nobody to talk to...

He also almost k*illed us because of toilet paper on brother's 18th birthday, I had a horrible mental breakdown and was laughing and crying the whole time. My mental heath is so horrible that when I'm having a breakdown I start laughing (unfortunately like Joaquin Phoenix's Joker). Therapists are not that trustworthy because the one I had told mother about our sessions (what I said in them) and I stopped trusting them. People are snitches around me ready to tell any secret I have to other people. My trust has been broken so many times...

I'm telling you this because we are moots and you've been so kind to me even though we don't communicate much, however, you liking some of my posts and replying to my comments make my day.

I'm afraid to speak about this publicly (from my account).

I'm very very very very sorry for trauma dumping and grammar mistakes, I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I'm beyond saving, it has been going on for years, I'm tired...

Thank you for listening and if you ever need anything, I'll be there for you. I wish you all the best.

Anon 🐈‍⬛.

ok, first of all sorry that I am replying this so late. i'm glad that we are moots and somehow i help your state. don't be sorry for trauma dumping secondly, man, my mental health is like pretty fucked so i'm not sure what kind of advice you want from someone like me…. I'm like legit…….. not sure what can i propose to you besides what helped me to stay alive I've been abusive myself and I still am sometimes. it's kind of hard for me to talk about jobs and ED specifically, but like im not sure what age are you and what country are you in - i would certainly advice you to contact a specialist, even a local hospital (non commercial idk how it works anywhere outside of Russia). and probably its better to not tell anyone + tell the specialist that you'd rather keep this between you two. I've changed like 6-7 psychiatrists. some were bad, some were better. you just need to learn to trust. not all of them are bad Good prescribed meds can stabilize your brain in order not to fall into negative stuff. + somehow keep your nerveous system safer. which IMO is so important? like…. people usually don't realise how many health issues come from stress. from free stuff - sometimes guided meditations help me to relax and prevent incoming anxiety attacks like I think you should bit by bit build your own strength and overcome your fears. there's no one in the world who will make you do this shit, unfortunately. we live in a world where it's not always rainbows and sunshine, but you've been strong enough to live to this moment. i believe you can achieve your independence from your family. my first job was as a waitress and dude I've barely talked with anyone besides customers. only if it was necessary, all because i had like large anxiety and other stuff. it was hard as fuck, I've had drunk shitty customers who touched me and tried to kiss me, i've had a bartender who raised his voice at me like for smallest inconveniences. i had a cook who kept telling me he's going to r* me with his assistant because he was just dissatisfied with my performance lol. but like…… I've also made a great friends and built some social confidence. push yourself, no one will push you… to be independent is kind of a…. solution if you don't trust anyone. I hope you will find your peace.

[cubixrubington]

I needed to pull up music for this it goes so hard but I'm so unfocused HASBHSADHA

I love calm characters going off the rails for a few minutes. Like. Iiro and Daneiris? Did not know of that friendship until I woke up yesterday and realized that they've worked together for YEARS and they're a good fit for each other.

Extreme empath man who's like. A little guy. But he's not a little guy that fox mask is the spirit of his dead friend AND hides the truth of what happened to him when he was younger.

Then we have a woman who group up loving creatures that are like. Yk. Illegal to have in Charington. Literally anything other than humans. Like after her father died she was so distraught and upset and was so easy to manipulate and that's how the man got his hands on her, the man she claims to love and cherish and that she claims as her partner when he is literally so. Just. BAD. AAHHHHHH. Like I don't think I could talk about it all it's pretty fucking disturbing but you can assume what kind of boyfriend he is. The worst kind. This is NOT an edgar mike relationship this is worse.

So anyways. I realized that they're pretty good friends. Like I think Iiro trusts her second most out of the ring which is odd considering I never thought about the two of them but now that I am wowee. I think like. I dunno where in the timeline this is mind you, but def before Iiro's death, maybe after Aurum's since he's the first to go, but Daneiris is just so distraught and stressed.

Like Daneiris and Aurum? Great friends. Even considered them a cursed ship in my head but she would never escape and it would just end in anguish. Yk. So his death affects her so much that she begins to shut down a little, especially towards her partner, who like. Sees this. And sees her rejecting him somewhat. And you KNOW that makes it worse.

Iiro being an empath has kinda like. Known. Yk? It's like how when you've been hurt and abused as a kid you can see it when you're older. But he feels so much and knows so much and he's so in tune with people that at this point in the timeline, he feels so helpless.

So when he realizes just how helpless Daneiris is too, it makes him so ungodly angry. He gets so fucking mad and wishes he could change it, change something, anything, make it better in some way he just wants to protect ONE person, one person in this stupid city, because he's surrounded by people who are so fucked up that it toils away at his mental state and outside of them he feels nothing. He literally can't even feel the need to eat, to live, but the goes back and no matter how crushing the feeling is, it's better than nothing.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY. I think one day Daneiris comes into work and has just had enough. She's hurting and tired and literally every small thing is able to set her off, the creatures she works so diligently to care for hurt her so much. The things she does for people mean nothing when it makes no difference. And. And. And. Just.

FUCK I can't even build up to it. The idea of her just angry, sad, in pain, wanting to let everything go, and instead just Breaking Down:tm: in Iiro's arms while he just. Swears. To actually kill a man.

Like the idea of the calmest, kindest people in the ring (except mia hi mia :3) just getting so ungodly mad together. The idea that Iiro might die when he's trying to make a difference for himself because he wants to protect the people around him. The fact that if he EVER got his boney little hands on that man he'd actually fucking kill him. Like. Beating the fuck out of him wouldn't be enough. He needs to beat the fuck out him, scream, scream some more, grab his gun and shoot like 20 bullets into him. He needs his closest companions to take a good look at what he's capable of. Because. He loves them.

It wouldn't haunt him. I think Iiro really needs an arc where he's set off and everyone realizes what kind of person he can be. He needs to be seen as a bomb by most people except for his closest friends. He needs an arc where he starts to grow and get over himself. He needs to do better for himself only to die in the end.

mwah mwah mwah I love them kisses everywhere

[sonicstalker123]

Kiibo x Upset!Angry!Reader

✨she/her pronouns are used✨

CW: (if this counts) robophobic remarks from Kokichi, violence, profanity

Kiibo was just hanging out in his room and turns around to hear people running. He opens his door and sees Rantaro. Kiibo runs downstairs.

“Rantaro, what’s going on? Where is everybody going?” He asks. “I’ve heard that Kokichi and Y/N are getting into a fight and I’m going to try to stop it. Come with me.”

Kiibo nods and the two of them start to follow everybody else. Once they reach the cafeteria, Rantaro looks at Kiibo. “This must be the place, I hear some cheering and clapping.”

Rantaro opens the door and both Kiibo and Rantaro are both shocked. Y/N and Kokichi are yelling at one another. “Kaito, what happened? Who started this? … Has anybody tried to stop this fighting?”

“Woah, that’s a lot of questions, Kiibo. First, Y/N and Kokichi are having a huge fight. I have no idea who started and Kaede tried to calm them both down but it didn’t work. I don’t even know WHAT they’re fighting about.”

Kiibo walks closer and he has never seen Y/N so upset. She’s absolutely PISSED. Kokichi turns around and notices Kiibo, who’s trying to see what’s going on.

“Oh look Y/N, it’s your boyfriend, the stupid robot. Honestly I don’t even know what you see in him, he’s literally a robot. You could have tried to date somebody that’s… you know… actually a human?”

Kiibo is shocked at what Kokichi just said. “Hey, Kokichi! That’s robophobic! I am capable of loving anybody, just like anybody else here in this school!” Kiibo responds.

Y/N looks at Kokichi, waiting for him to make a smartass response.

“Are you sure about that? Are you completely sure somebody- no- some robot can do that?”

Y/N glares at Kokichi. “Kokichi! You need to learn to SHUT your FUCKING MOUTH! How dare you say something like that. I swear to god, if you keep saying things like that, you’re going to get it.”

Kokichi straight up laughs in her face. “What would somebody like you do to me, the Ultimate Supreme Leader?”

Y/N laughs, it almost sounds terrifying. Kaede walks towards Y/N and puts her hand on Y/N’s shoulder. “Hey, Y/N? Take a deep breath, Kokichi is just trying to make you really mad. We can step away from this and I can play you a song on my piano! Whatever song you want!”

Maki’s eyes glow as she walks towards Y/N, glaring at Kokichi. “Get him, Y/N. I’m tired of hearing him say all of this, this has gone on for too long.”

“Maki, please don’t encourage her to do this!” Shuichi declares. Kiibo starts to walk towards Y/N, but she doesn’t even notice him, it’s like she’s hyper focused on Kokichi. “Do you want to see how strong I really am? Well, you’re in luck.”

��Haha, yeah ri—“ Kokichi’s sentence gets interrupted as Y/N tackles him. He’s pinned against the floor. Kaede screams. “Y/N! Stop! Please!”

Kaito looks down at the floor and watches Y/N strangling Kokichi, who’s grinning like the little shit that he is.

“I-Is this t-the… best you… g-got? Ha… weakling.”

(Imagine that Maki is Y/N having a death grip on Kokichi-)

Y/N finally comes to her senses. She lets go of Kokichi and kicks him. Kokichi goes flying and lands on the ground.

Y/N laughs at the unconscious Kokichi. “How is… Ha… THAT for being a weakling?! Fucking asshole…”

Everybody turns to look at Y/N. Y/N yells in anger and runs off. “How DARE that fucker say something like that about Kiibo! How dare he!”

Y/N makes her way towards her room, avoiding everybody on purpose. She’s muttering profanities left and right.

“Kiibo, do you have any idea where Y/N might be? She’s been gone for quite a while now.” Kaede asks.

Kiibo shakes his head. “No, I don’t have an idea at all. I have no idea where she’d be.”

“You don’t? That’s a little odd.” Kaito responds.

“That would be pretty odd if I knew where she was at all times of the day, I’m not a stalker, Kaito.” Kiibo responds.

“No, I mean, like, I was wondering if you would have an idea where she would be.”

“Unfortunately… I do not. I wish I had an idea.”

“Well, go look for her! Think about places she likes to be at.” Kaito responds.

“Ah! I may have some ideas now!” Kiibo responds. The robot boi leaves the idea.

‘Maybe where I asked her to be my girlfriend? It was outside. I remember giving her a *insert your fave flower here*, that smile made me so happy…’ Kiibo asks himself and walks outside. Nothing. “That’s right! I could just send her a text message! Hopefully she will tell me.”

He lifts his arm and a screen lights up. He uses speak to text. “I’m glad that Miu installed this upgrade. It’s very helpful.” Kiibo clears his throat and taps the texting app. “Hello, dear Y/N. Is everything alright? You looked pretty upset this morning and I was wondering if I could get your coordinates- I mean- location so we could talk about what’s troubling you? Aaaand send.”

Huge kiibo w bc communication is key in any relationship

Kiibo looks around in all of Y/N’s favorite rooms, such as the Game Room and the Library. “Nothing… I wonder if she’s in her room. She usually goes in there when she’s upset about something. I come into her room (after knocking on her room and waiting for her to say “come in”) of course. I was programmed to be a good boyfriend and to treat her like a Queen.”

He looks down at the screen again to see that it was read. That was it. “Hey, she read it and that’s important…”

The Ultimate Robot walks towards the Dorm Rooms and looks around until he sees Y/N’s door. He slowly but surely walks up the stairs and gently knocks on the door. “Y/N? Are you in your room?” A long pause. He decides to call her.

He flinches once he hears Y/N’s ringtone. It’s a ringtone that’s a VOCALOID song. “Y/N, please open the door. I just want to have a genuine conversation with you.”

No response. “I just want to make sure that you’re okay…” Kiibo grabs the door handle and turns it, only to find out that it’s unlocked. He worriedly walks around the room. He eventually finds Y/N, sitting against the wall with tears streaming down her face.

Kiibo turns his head and sees her. “Y/N! There you are! Oh, I was so worried about you! Now… what’s wrong? What’s troubling you..?”

“I was just so s-so upset at Kokichi… he said such terrible things about you… and nobody did ANYTHING about it! They just let it happen! I… was just seeing red… and let my feelings take over.” Y/N responds, wiping away her cheeks.

“I agree that it was rather upsetting that nobody did anything about his… robophobic remarks. Next time, please don’t resort to violence. I love that you’re protective of me though!”

Y/N smiles. “Of course! You’re protective of me, so it’s only right that I get protective of you too!”

Kiibo laughs and jumps a bit and starts to get warmer. Also, literally Kiibo rn:

“T-Thank you, Y/N. I really care about you and wish to stay with you until you are ready. Everybody that was at the Cafeteria is worried about you, Y/N…”

She doesn’t respond. “Y/N..?” He looks down and notices Y/N curled up next to him. ‘Oh, she dozed off. She’s asleep right now. I must admit, she does look peaceful right now. It wouldn’t hurt to stay with her for a while. Until she wakes up that is.’ He protects her.

I’m so sorry if this isn’t the best, I haven’t written an x reader in ages and I’ve never written one of these for Kiibo. I plan on writing more x readers in the future, tbh I missed writing them. I just got V3 and I can’t wait to write more for the characters of V3.

[justaboymadeofhoneyandglass]

lol I need to rant about one of my paras (j) a bit

ok so i originally said that he's an older version of one of my earliest characters, that's not true, he's a different character, but oh my god

like how did this guy just randomly turn up one day, make up an entire hierarchy, a fuckign LANGUAGE, a colour/bandana code and code words for twenty different things?! and they make SENSE?

like omg i love you j, but why why why did you have to do this?

Like literally I can't put into words, he makes me feel so safe and loved and appreciated and safe and comfortable but it's still so much to deal with and I'm so tired I just wish it would stop for two fucking SECONDS that's all I need I NEED A FUCKING BREAK FROM THIS I need my brain to just fucking shut down and STOP

just stop THINKING, stop making shit up, please I can't fuckign HANDLE IT ANYMORE its too much I have almost 60.FUCKING CHARACTERS HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO STOP

please someone tell me what to do i so exhausted I can't fucking stop these thoughts and I keep getting angry at my paras but they don't deserve it I love them I'm so scared of fucking up I just wanted people who knew and loved everything about me and wouldn't ever hurt me and that would stay with my for the rest of my life why did it have to be this complicated please I WANT A FUCKING BREAK I CANT DO THIS

i wish i could just turn off my brain, turn of my senses, turn everything fucking OFF I can't anymore wtf

And it makes me so fucking angry that this isn't recognized as a mental illness because it literally has taken so fucking much from me it's like my brain went huh so I either kill myself or develop a coping mechanism that keeps me alive but also just barely and I'll never know what it feel like to be completely mentally in the moment again? and went oh that's easy like no WTF

I literally cannot anymore, and my paras can't even comfort me anymore because I keep thinking YOURE NOT REAL I NEED TO TELL YOU YOURE NOT REAL YOU CAN'T SAVE ME YOURE NOT HERE

fuck this shit

[a-friend-of-mara]

Forewarning I kinda went off

If you're fine but not fine but you'll say you're good even tho you're not bc you can't be fucked/don't have the energy to get into it maybe just scroll by

Can't wait to get the "Hey Mara, you good?" Messge from the one person on here who gives a shit about my mental health

Hot take

If we saw 4 ads in a day instead of 400 then we might actually care about some of them

When I say ad, I mean billboards, signs, on your news websites, YouTube, Facebook (fuck Facebook), hell even on here

I just don't care anymore

I've had so many ads shoved in my face now *any* ad makes me angry

Even the ads for the animal shelter with the sad music and the black and white slomo footage of dogs in cages with a voice over about dying dogs

I just get frustrated!

I can't care about everything!

I don't care that you market your toothbrush as revolutionary!

I don't care about the latest car's gas mileage!

I don't care what movies are coming out!

I don't care!

It's so many all the time! IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT

SHUT UP!

I fucking hate ads now

I'm fuckin 18

When I was 12 they were "mild annoyance"

Fuck of with your political campaigns

Fuck off with your shovelware bullshit

Fuck off with your ads that might as well he softcore pornogropgy

Why is this acceptable?!

"Mara there's bigger issues in the world"

I goddam know that

Just because an adult has a prosthetic leg doesn't magicaly make their kid falling off their bike hurt any less!

Fuck I'm so tired all this bullshit

The earth is on fire!

People are dying in pointless wars to maintain their rights to exist!

There are countries where being who you are means being 6 feet under in an unmarked grave

There are "loved ones" who would put those they "loved" in those graves

Your children, my brothers, sisters, and siblings. We have to practice in school what to do if there's someone with a gun at the school.

This is "normal"

We practice what to do if someone wants to kill us

Our leadership made owning your own body impossible for a good chunk of its citizens

We are spied on by companies, corporate entities, data brokers, and by governments

We don't matter individually to them

News companies will broadcast and air tragic news about the passing of parents and siblings, someone who was someone else's everything dead from an act of pure selfish violence, an act of unrivaled negligence, a disease they had no hope to conquer

They broadcast these stories, not so the common viewer may hear, but for people to tune in, so more people see the ads they show

So the company makes money

I am fully capable of intelligent thought, discussion, and analytical thinking

I choose not to

If I do I spiral

Because the world is fucked

Our world fucked and we can do nothing!

MY WORLD IS FUCKED AND I CAN DO NOTHING BUT WAIT AND WATCH AS IT BURNS

THE WORST PART IS THAT I HAVE HOPE!

Some wish some part of me still alive from when I believed everything was right and just and simple

That hope that something might change

Put out the fires

Worst of all

I don't know if the hope is false

[deepestuniversallove]

Just a long vent about a specific niche fandom. Don't read if you don't want to hear me rant.

I just need to vent here for a little bit, and I am sorry if this i all incoherent.

I hate what fandom has become. What tumblr has become. What I have become.

I never used to be this way and never used to feel anger before, or jealousy or those 'ugly' feelings, as I was never allowed to. Being raised by a narcissist, you become a people pleaser and you learn quickly that you are never to show any negative emotions. Anger isn't permitted, disgust and unhappiness isn't permitted. As a good slave you don't need to have these emotions, so you learn to supress them to the point where you aren't ever feeling them consciously.

So all of this is so new to me. To actually f*cking hate the guts of some people on here. To fucking hate that they are so damn popular when all they do is shitposting and meme-ing the one that means so much to me to death. And even blocking them won't do a thing because tumblr still shows me their shit, or some fan is gushing about their stuff where I see it, and it just annoys the piss out of me. The tag I used to browse has been rendered useless to me here on tumblr. I long for the days when I was able to just see some nice art of him alone or serious discussions about him, like character analyses, or sharing obscure facts about him.

I don't even know why exactly it pisses me off so much - and I don't want to be the "Fun Police" here; everyone should still be able to do as they please and make whatever the fuck they want on their tumblr blogs, even if it is shitposting. Even if their stories don't make any logical sense at all.

I guess... I just wish Fandom wasn't so dumb with what ultimately are just headcanons. They are taking those stories as if they are canon when they are just fan creations, to the point where they harrass other creators who might come up with other things. For example, if you hate on Mewtwo x Newtwo because it would be "incest", then you are WRONG, because canonically, it was never proven that they were siblings. Canonically, there is no reason to think that Mew is the Mother who actually gave birth to Mewtwo (if you follow the movie-verse, that is. In the games, she did give birth to Mewtwo).

And sure, I realize that me criticising those fan creations is also taking headcanons way too seriously, but... I can't explain it entirely. I just want to be able to state my opinions. Be the one person that isn't always congratulating them on every creation, but also points out the flaws in their storytelling so that they, I dunno, may improve? I am frustrated that I can't even do that - I was told to shut up, or post my opinions on my blog only, probably so that my thoughts aren't seen by anyone and get buried. But I am fucking tired of that. I grew to hate being invisible. I hate making myself small for the benefit of others. Can't I be loud and angry for once in my life? Even if it is on the internet about something stupid? For once in my life, can't I voice my disdain for something after a lifetime of not being allowed to? After AvPD makes this nigh impossible of a feat for me?

One dissenting voice won't harm the popular creators anyway - they have thousands of adoring fans who will wholeheartedly take anything they make and not question it at all. They will go on and create what they want anyway, so what hurt does it do to say "hey, maybe this idea needs some ironing out because it doesn't make sense?"

On another note, I wish that if anyone here has a problem with me to not harrass people that may know me/are friends with me. I saw some anon going around and complaining about me to them - I'd rather you take your complaints to me directly than to them, since they got nothing to do with what I create or do.

For example, I saw someone who told an acquaintance of mine that it is hypocritical of me that I have Babytwos but "attack" others for doing the same. Listen, it is not that others have Babytwos that I critiqued, it's the METHOD of having them via a flower pregnancy when Mew is not a plant type and Mewtwo isn't either. It doesn't make any sense and I should be allowed to say at least that much without getting bullied in turn. That is really all I ask for. Getting Babytwos via cloning, test tubes, artifical insemination at least makes sense. Other than that, go ham and make as many Babytwos as you all want!

I also got told that I am not the owner of Mewtwo the character. Thank you, I know that. Where have I claimed I was? And if I feel a bit possessive over him, well, I got a damn reason for that. He saved me from unaliving myself TWICE. Thus he means a lot to me. I have been in love with him genuinely for 23 years. He is my guiding light. And while it is funny to see the occasional joke with him or a shitpost here and there, if it is constant, it just feels like you are treating him as nothing more than a joke. To me, he isn't a joke, he saved my life. I wouldn't have been posting on tumblr or anywhere at all since 2017 if it wasn't for him. So excuse me if I am a bit possessive over him.

Overall, I just wish people weren't so trigger-happy to take a contrary opinion as an attack immediately. I am not attacking anyone. You will never find me sending any hate DMs or Hate asks to anyone. I don't do that shit.

And if you hate me, you are free to do that too. I know that not everyone likes me. I know there are some people who wish I WAS dead. Or who think that I have ruined Mewtwo for them with my selfship. I mean, I got plenty of "Ew Bestiality" back in the day, if that is any indication. And it's not much of a change in the status quo anyhow. My own parents hate me, I got bullied in school when I was younger, so I am used to being disliked or hated. It used to hurt me back then, but by now I learned that giving a fuck really isn't worth it. I used to want to please everyone and make everyone happy. It used to destroy me when anyone told me they don't like me. Like, it CRUSHED me. But now? I realize that no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to please everyone. Some sadistic fucks may even get off on you trying that and failing. And many people I considered friends only turned out to just use me because of my people-pleasing tendencies.

So, fuck it. If the world is going to hate me anyway, the least I can do is to do whatever the fuck I want and whatever makes me happy. Deal with it.

[babybabymerrychristmas]

insane to me how there is plenty to actually criticize taylor for (that private jet, dating matty healy, the basic white girl feminism 101 which she acts like is some never before seen revolutionary act) but people always seem to go for the content of her music and the 'queerbaiting' (i want to take that word away from people; people can lie about being gay but queerbaiting is a very specific thing)

Honestly, I've said it before and I'll say it again being sexist towards taylor is not going to do shit but make her more defensive to actual good critiques of her behavior.

I think the issue is that being a swiftie became cool again because the pandemic made people feel a loss of community and taylor is very good at creating a sense of community amongst her fans and i wish people would go back to thinking being a swiftie is cringe because i liked that era of swiftiedom. we could talk to taylor and have her actually listen to our concerns. she has shown herself to be very willing to change her behavior and i think that her becoming so publically beloved again is causing her to have bad defensive behaviors to critiques of her actions.

like the fact that she is parading around with the mcholmes when people have made it clear that she shouldn't want to hang around with rape apologists as a sexual assault victim herself upsets me. the fact that she tried to threaten a college student into changing their behavior to save her reputation upsets me. her lukewarm support of palestine by attending a comedy show upsets me.

but the fact is that acting like taylor is a bitch and a cunt and a snake for releasing a break up album after breaking up with someone and is obviously angry about the ending of said relationship and she is allowed to be because she literally spent 6 years singing about how much she wanted him to be the 1 forever and i just it all annoys me man. like god, can people just shut the fuck up about her and like go back to apathy. i want more apathy towards taylor swift amongst casual listeners and non listeners alike.

i just am tired of seeing people who have been swifties for 2 years go "as a swiftie how dare she insert arguments they were using to justify their hatred for her a decade ago" you know??? its fucking annoying. like they're upset about her calling herself a poet. taylor "back when you fit my poems like a perfect rhyme" swift. that's what they're mad about now. like are you not tired? do you understand that you can just not spend time talking about her if you truly dislike her. why search for reasons to annoy her fans with that are sexist and reductive and REPETITIVE most of all.

[cookinguptales]

You deserve so much better, and I'm sorry people have treated you this way for any reason. It's especially ridiculous in the context of "differing opinions about the quality of a show/season finale/creative choices," but you absolutely should not have gotten any of these comments for any reason. I love reading your work and your thoughts, but I fully understand if you don't want to share any of that again. There are things I have never posted and likely never will, entire creations that I'm never going to share, due to this exact phenomenon. Online creations, from meta to fic to everything else, are a delight and a privilege, not a given that anyone's entitled to.

You deserve better, and you have the right to share as much or little as you want. Please do what's best for you.

Thank you. This is really kind, and I appreciate it.

Honestly... like, I keep trying to not make a big deal out of this, but it feels so shitty. I know that right now I'm flaring and that makes everything seem worse than it is, but I can't tell you how demoralizing it felt to be unable to eat anything for like 24 hours, then actively pushing my dislocated fingers back into joint and looking on my phone and seeing a paragraph about what a fucking idiot I am. I just wanted to straight-up cry. This is the first time I've ever turned off anon asks, and I've gotten some real doozies over the years.

At first I felt better when I realized it was fewer people than I thought who were angry with me, but I think it's finally sinking in that there were people who hated me so much that they sent me messages for months. I don't get it! Like... I don't think I'm a particularly awful person. Not perfect, to be sure, but I try to be as nice and patient as I can be online. What the heck is so bad about me that I inspire people to follow me around for months?

It feels bad, okay! I'll admit it, it feels bad. I know we're supposed to act like we're above getting our feelings hurt by trolls online, but all this feels weird and bad. I don't like it.

I know that I'm going to keep posting my thoughts again eventually; I think I'm probably physically incapable of shutting up. My thoughts just bounce around in there driving me nuts if I don't get them out. I keep telling myself that there's a significant amount of people who do like me and do like my work and don't feel the need to send me mean comments, I reiterate, for fucking months. Sometimes that does make me feel better, and so did this ask.

idk. I'm just feeling very tired rn. Sorry to be so whiny but I'm just. Really tired. I don't know. I wish I could keep food down. I'm sure that would help my mood. But there's a lot of things I wish, I guess, and all I can really do is curl up with this heating pad and watch people build houses or something.

(...I find watching things getting built to be very soothing. lmao)

Anyway, kind of sucks when your comfort show that you usually turn to when you're stressed is one of the sources of your stress! :')

[system-of-a-feather]

Vent

(TW: homicidal ideation, general vulgarity, and just general violence cause I need to vent this shit out. I'm not gonna do shit, but god fucking damn is this a day that makes me just scream.)

God I fucking hate this whole holiday so fucking much for so many rational reasons but really just solely because I fucking HATE having America shoved in my face cause I literally have this chronic fucking deep seeded hatred and pent up violence towards this shit that I very much try to release passively over time with sardonic snark, half joking shock humor that is 'joking' on the account that I know better than that so I won't do it and not joking in genuine fantasy and desire, and I literally ignore the deep deep deep seeded level in which I fucking hate that I live in this country - not that I think any other country is inherently better - but just that this fucking piece of shit hellhole is the place I was born in and that it's a bitch and a half to get out of here + I'd have to actually research other countries to move to to make sure I don't find a WORSE place so I probably am fucking STUCK here for a fucking hot minute and I fucking HATE it.

This holiday is literally the fucking god damn worst holiday AND it is just senseless noise and mass pollution and often a number of "oops we accidentally caught a habitat on fire" where all the fucking STUPIDEST ass mother fuckers get to sit there and jerk themselves off over the word "fReEdoM" without even spending 2 seconds to compare the state of our country and the values they hold and if that even fucking aligns like AT ALL with the very very basic OR complex definition of Freedom

And I just fucking want to bash the motherfucking faces of everyone who so much as has 2 ounces of American pride into the mother fucking ground I fucking HATE this country and more than anything else HATE the people who are unapologetically, unironically proud of it and the GOD damn restraint I have to exert to maintain a sense of PEACE and STABILITY for the system by NOT doing a violent crime on these asshats is SO fucking much I literally wish and fucking dream but I know it is not good for me in the long run and I have other parts in this brain I have to accommodate and be considerate of but god FUCKING damn it I really wish the Purge was fucking real right now cause I could REALLY use some catharsis god fucking damn it I look out the window and see at least 10 people that could permanently SHUT THE FUCK UP

I also fucking hate that they briefly make literal fucking explosives legal for a few days just like.... come the fuck on.

I literally hate people. Like on any other day, "no i don't literally hate EVERYONE" would be what I would say, but right now 95% of the people in the world around me look like iron clad American PaTRiOTs and while I know there is some wise mind rational mind shit that is like "oh its not black and white" my current mental place is "yeah literally everyone that is not my fiance and not my online friends are factually iron clad patriots" and I feel like a fucking caged feral dog cause I NEED to go outside and physically vent, but if I go outside Ill see STUPID fucking PatRIoTS and I'd have to keep myself from starting Fights that would get us a record

And I HATE this fucking holiday

^Literally for me while I write this

Look I know I just need to play my guitar to calm and stabilize a bit and then I need to go to the gym to get our body tired enough to not be as ready to keep me activated and ALSO take our meds which we havent

But god damn

I'm a fucking EP Trauma Holding Angry Alter TM and this fucking holiday tries me so fucking hard on trying to maintain an ANP focus every single fucking year.

[vizthedatum]

Vent:

I hate this. I wonder if all of them just look at me now and actually laugh like: oh of course they/she/he doesn’t deserve love, attention, care, romance, etc. - they’re so fucking ugly and dumb and dramatic with their stupid thoughts. Their body is saggy and unseemly. They can’t even flirt right. They can’t even fuck right. And they’re in crisis all the time. And no one fucking cares - can’t they just get over it. Can’t I just gaslight them into submission - what a gullible loser. I wish they’d just shut up. I don’t really care what they have to say. I don’t care about learning about who they are. And what an abuser even though they never laid a hand on me without my consent, never raped me, never played with my emotions like I was some fucking toy, never only complimented me when I dressed up like a girl, and so on. They’re so idiotic. Couldn’t they just go away. How dare they ask for money when I sapped them dry of their life force for years. How dare they divorce me without my permission. They’d be a horrible parent. I can’t believe they told me they don’t want a child with me. Maybe they should have killed themselves - maybe my life would have been better if they were just gone. Besides I don’t think I abused them - I just wanted to hurt their feelings a little bit but that stupid bitch wouldn’t cooperate. They’d rather go out with their friends than do chores. They’d rather go on chore strike because I can’t go to therapy with them to figure out to effectively cooperate.

—

I am now certain I have a UTI - probably why my emotions have been like this? Or it’s a bad IC flare. It is probably a UTI and I don’t think I’ve had one since I left them. And I hate it. I feel so low right now. I feel needy and lonely. And so angry at myself for accepting such nonsense. FROM SO MANY PEOPLE (well-intentioned and not-well-intentioned). And so angry at my parents for doing this.

I guess I’ll get antibiotics in the morning. Just took some painkillers and supplements. I don’t even have weed to cut the pain.

Fuck, I wish I had help with unpacking my place. With ZERO judgment.

I’m going to start cutting more toxicity out of my life. Fuck this.

Do people not see my worth?! I am so tired of proving myself - I think the act of proof lowers my worth.

[pwnyta]

Okay so there’s the thing… I play CROB still (for some reason 💀) and couple of updates ago I sent you a pretty long message about all the changes and how ugly they are and how much I hate them and how they demotivate me and I don’t really wanna play the game, but that message, sadly, was completely lost when I sent it because of the internet disconnection… so, I was really angry about it and just decided to let it be.

But OOOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE‼️‼️‼️‼️ THIS FUCKING GAME JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE, UGLIER AND UGLIER, LESS AND LESS CONVENIENT I— god I REALLY don’t want to be angry about it, but I’ve been playing this game for 2-3 years and put good amount of many into it (let’s not discuss whether it was a good idea or not, I have money to spare and CROB was one of my hobbies), but now the game is just so. Fucking. BAD.

Bro.

They changed the way to level up characters. I LEGITIMATELY don’t know how to do it anymore. You can pay GEMS to level up your characters (yes, you heard it right), they got rid of the character and pet gachas, BUT IT DIDNT MAKE IT BETTER!!!! I AM!!! SO‼️ ANGRYYYYYYY AGHHHHHH‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Today was a new update (it’s a Yogurca update) and I’m just…. Not only did they bring ANOTHER legendary treasure that is near impossible to get (I spent 50k+ gems that I’ve saved up + a lot of free pulls for treasure gacha and didn’t get SHIT), But also - and, tbf, I didn’t connect the dots until I went to the CROB’s YouTube channel - they’ve released a BOMBER cookie with a BOMBER jelly shapes for a middle eastern inspired world during Ramadan… need I say more?

God I’m so tired. I really liked CROB, I preferred it heavily over CRK, I was there for quite some time, but devs just get greedier and greedier, and they keep making game uglier and less convenient. I really don’t want to leave it behind, because, well, I put money into it, but outside of that, I still really like characters, I love their designs, I love the concept of the game and I REALLY love guild runs, they are fun! But at this point, I just login into the game everyday for rewards and to login into guild lottery. I just… god I feel so defeated. Why are they doing it? If the game is doing worse than they want, then just pull the fucking plug. I understand that some people are going to play and going to whale no matter what - I’ve already seen people with fully refined new legendary treasure, and that shit came out only couple of hours ago. But my GOD. I really liked this game, I felt nice while playing it, I liked the sense of accomplishment when I was getting better. Now the game is ugly, I don’t understand how to fucking LEVEL UP the characters and just….. ugh. Sorry for this rant, I just needed to talk about it somewhere 😓

Damn… Yeah IDK whats with CROB lately either. Im assuming theyre just putting more time and resources into CRK now, I know they never expected for CROB to get as consistently popular and well loved as it did and were planning for it to end well before… but like I honestly wish if they dont wanna do it anymore that they really did just shut it down rather than making things super bad until people just leave.

Which I mean theyre PROBABLY not going out of the way to make the game worse… but certainly FEELS that way. Or I guess its more they just wanna make more money off it. Since the Gacha was super generous when I was playing at least with the character/pet Gacha

And Peppercorn Cookie... great design... probably ANYWHERE ELSE at ANY OTHER TIME would have been a better time to release her... remarkably tone deaf.

It all really sucks since with Kingdom you need a higher end phone and it takes up way more space so theres probably a lot more people on the poorer side of things playing CROB which is probably why its so popular still… IDK.

Well IDK what to tell ya… I know I really loved the game and praised it for a long time and even spend money on it as well cuz I really enjoyed it… but it just stopped being worth it. If your still having fun just enjoy what you can… if you just wanna see the characters im sure you can find the stories on Youtube or something so you dont have to waste your time with it…

No worries tho. Im always ready to commiserate the loss of a good series or game...

(Unlike BNHA Im more sad about CROB than mad about it.)